Starting strong, i wish to be vainful, I wish that this weird pressure of performing my best is taken up from my shoulders, its a fantasy, really, I seriously can't afford to rot in beds for days end and do nothing in particular, I am expected to show up, to perform, to be productive, like an efficient machine, firstly, I hate his productivity wword used for humans, as if we're nothing more than a factory machine getting its stats checked on its efficiency, as if layers and layers of your being, are just reduced to the output, you give.

Well, there could be two meanings for ‘vain’,

Firstly, useless and secondly, self obsessed or arrogant even,

Yes! Useless, that's what I want to be, I want to see how everyone would react once they see me just fixating over nothing and rotting on my bed all day, it kinda reminds of Gregor from metamorphosis.

Deep down I know, I haven't really failed in my life so bad that it forces me to look at the mirror and go numb, sure there have been moments where I was at real low, but I know the rock bottom is still way deeper,

I haven't really relaxed in quite a while, everytime I try to ease up theres always a voice in the back of my head, saying that some kid from kota is working twice as hard just for the same damn seat, I never feel at ease because my head's always pounding from sleep deprivation because I am up till 2, solving questions knowing I have classes at 9

And then there’s a test every week, and I never truly get to relax, I know I'll get a crazy burn out soon if I dont loosen up, and thats why I fantasize about being a vained bitch who doesn't give a damn about a future thats not even promised, im so dead tired from being anxious about exams and backlogs,

They say the more intelligent the person, the more repressed, shoutout to TSH (my current read), as if was saying, fantasising about letting go everything go down the drain for once and for all, ruminating over the idea of being dead weight and doing absolutely nothing,

But no, I cant still let go of control, my biggest fantasy is to live without thinking, yet as I write this, I have a to do list with at least 4 different things and the timer in front of me showing that my break is about to end in 5 minutes and then I'll have to go back to studying,

It's a misery of its own, if I'm being fair to my feelings, to not want to think yet my head would remind of every thing that needs to be done before I pass out from exhaustion,

I can rant about how unfair it feels, yet I'll keep doing this like a mule, and i wait for the tag when im finally too tired to get up from the bed because only then can I physically not open my textbooks,

Indulgence and restrictions, i walk on a tightrope between, craving the former yet wanting the results that thr latter promises,

On concluding, I'd wish to be the bug, Gregor turned into, knowing everyone would hate me, as if they don't already, yet I dont want to throw away a promising future, and balancing everything, I'll be one insane bitch soon🤡

Until next time

……..

💋

All i wanna do is retreat back into my pretty, girl room and rot on the floor,

Its almost 2 in the morning,

I know i should sleep,

But this feels sacred, to do nothing and simply exist in the present for once,

Reading some hot or heartbreaking article on substack,

Or doomscrolling Pinterest,

It feels perfect,

Id never want to sleep,

But my eyes grow heavier,

Senses more duller and brain now mushy,

And this is how I girlblog!

I actually would prefer the former than the latter, because if you have to leave make it crystal clear that I am not wanted by you anymore, make me hate you if you have to leave because if you dont I'll always chase the ghosts of what ifs, I'll chase the ghost of your presence, finding it in people with similar faces and same names, and then you'll come back in my dreams, so please, make me despise you before you go for the good.

The former gives you a closure, a wound that is sealed, a chapter never to be revisited, a person to never let myself romanticise about with what ifs, it gives a closure to never open that door again,

But the latter feeds my doubt and delusion, people outgrow each other, I know that, but actually accepting it? Thats a big ask now, it never gives a clean closure so I revisit the memory, I open the door again and again, I pierce and open the wound again and again, and that's what hurts,

There's this Cognitive dissonance where i writhe with desire to be with you again and listen you laugh, see you smile at me in person, and be the girl you bring in me again,

and there's the other part, the more rational one, which knows you've changed, which knows if we meet again there'd be this slight awkwardness because we dont have much in common anymore, which knows you dont hate me, hate’s a strong word, but what we had has truly faded into a dull, aching memory of the past,

I dream of a closure sometimes, you admitting .. but exactly what? What kind of closure do we talk about when I can't even fanthom a future that you wouldn't be a part of, but damn, that's really my reality, I guess?

But even if I accept it, what good a closure would bring to me? At the end, if i dont sit with myself and the uncomfortable emptiness of you, I'd never really get over it, even if I didnt see your face again, if im content that you were just a phase even though I wanted you forever, that's what real closure might look like,

Because you can't really bring me any good, even with a sweet apology and actual guilt after months and months of silence, so I guess, I'll endure it, because you dont owe me a closure, frankly you really dont owe me shit, and ive seen, that you know that well, so I'll start again to rebuild the wreckage you've left behind, waiting for someone new to come by and praying profusely that they cradle what you've left…

I'm not angry anymore, just tired and cornered to accept that it is what it is, this is maybe what is life really, and at the end even when you come back, please make me hate you before you leave again, for only you can really stop me from wishing to your ghost to stay longer…

Until next time

…..

💋

At places where people sit together and laugh, I sit alone with radiating awkwardness as i fix my shirt to make sure I still look perfect,

But what for?

I can still feel like 13 again, still feel the English teacher asking why am I sitting alone, i have no words other than a stiff, fake chuckle as i repeat, again that I prefer it like that, alone, as if i dont want to whisper and giggle with someone in between the class, as if i chose to be alone and weird all the time, as if i dont pretend to notice those stiffled smirks of kids around, probably making some inside joke about me again,

I still feel 9, and see no one wants to partner with me, a group of kids, laughing and shoving me around as if im some rotten specimen while they're the superior, perfect pieces of humanity,

And then you ask me what happened to my self esteem?

As if a decade long of seclusion and shunning and being a pushover hasn't made me into something unfriendable, as if my presence alone was too much and never enough at once?

Now, im 16 and still most days I dont sit beside many people, I barely care who sit beside me now anyways, because maybe at some point, I stopped caring, because whats the point of spending so much mental capital just to watch them leave for someone better, someone who knows how friendships work and conversations flow, and in all this I feel like the most forgettable kid, like my presence nor my absence makes a difference to anyone,

Maybe to someone with sense and maturity would call it liberating, but I call it humiliating, being me has been a series of humiliation rituals for as long as I remember, from social interactions to being alone, from sitting across strangers to people ive known for a decade, everything just feels heavy

As if no matter how good it gets, all roads lead back to the loneliness i felt as a child, and maybe i did not had the worst childhood ever, but my stupid head makes the slightest things ten times worse and suddenly, I feel that all ive ever been and felt is awful, and yeah, it kinda messed up hoe I see myself with everyone,

Half of the days im an avoidant bitch and the rest half im clinging to the temporary person in front of me like oxygen,

And maybe things will go downhill even more, maybe they could spiral upwards too, but to be honest, all of this made me able to detach from everything quite easy, yet deep in me, I still carry terrible nostalgia of what ifs and people who left, and yeah, most days I look fine but honestly, my head is still conjured by the empty seat beside me, which only feels like a verdict that no matter who comes along, this is all i’ve ever started with and this is all I'll ever end with…

Until next time

…..

💋

In the first quarter of the year, I doubted my abilities to even pass the 10th boards but I nailed it fr, the easiest of the questions made me freeze and give up, but now I stand at a weird point where I can't even pretend that I dont have it in me, because the numbers on the paper so otherwise and I can't negotiate with cold, hard numbers, they are the undeniable proof that I can do it, and having self belief is so important, slowly but surely, im rebuilding my way to the person that I want to be.

Another thing, I'd like to point is that I've finally joined a sport, well badminton, because team sports are something that would make me only more stressed, so yeah back to it, ive been consistently going to the academy for now 4 months and I've lost around 9 pounds, and maybe they're not some ozempic level kind of result, but mean so much to me, after years, must I add, I'm actually feeling beautiful in my own skin, I like how clothes feel a bit different, how my tummy doesn't really bulge out anymore when I sit and so much more, I genuinely feel pretty, and at peace..

I know that NEET prep is no joke, and most days i do feel miserable when I see the lowest grades i’ve ever seen in my life, but its just a part of growing up, me from 6 months ago would have literally fainted at the physics questions I can solve without some help, well at least, I'm progressing towards something, and I can't wait for more blessings that this year has for me.

And also, I have 75 subscribers here, and its honestly so exciting because I never thought that there'd be so many people who'd actually even read this or actually subscribe, but im so grateful since this is the only social media I use if we arent counting Pinterest. A big thank you for everyone here🌸

I cant wait for more awesome things from this year!🤞💕

Until next time

……

💋

And I'm kinda tired of all this faking, like im missing out in probable teenage experiences, like i got no man, no smoke or alcohol on me, and my parents look so damn.. proud that i dont? And that pisses me off, im low-key scared that this way I'll grow up in some incompetent woman who doesn't even know how basic stuff or money works, who has not much of real core memories and well, has been bitchless since birth, and i know, all this scares me at the moment because all I want is to sneak out, do some powder or smoke or fucking anything for God's sake, I'm sick of being perceived as some naive hoe who is so well ‘sanskari’ if i must add, yeah that word makes me physically recoil!

Anyways, with all seriousness, I know its not really possible to be able to live your fullest when youre preparing for some competitive exam like in my case, but I promise that i am not holding back once I got into college, and that's quite a bit of expectations, but a girl can only hope🥀🥀

Often times when I disappoint someone, it do sting, I do feel defensive to explain my self and apologise but there's a big ass part of me, that actually loves that disappointment, the face when someone makes when I shatter a piece of perception of who they believe i am, because Bae, trust me you dont, most people in my life, barely know a few fragments of lines from a couple of chapters only, while im the one who knows the whole book about myself, like sybau, sweetie🥀, I'll always know myself better than anyone else will ever do, I am aware of my wants and needs and things that I find attractive, and stuff that makes me sad or happy or angry, and most of people around dont know shit, and same goes for you too! Like youre the one who knows yourself better than anybody else ever can!

So back on perceptions, for a long time ive tried to keep up with everyone, I wanted them to understand me, love me the way I wanted and show up in ways that mattered to me, but to be fair, i wasnt the best at communicating either but it doesn't mean ive never its just that after a point ive stopped doing so altogether for most people, like why the hell would I even care what the fck you think of me? And seeing that most perceptions that people have of you are so different from who you believe you are is staggering, and breaking a piece of it feels so good because yeah, I mean no good and im not some mature individual you should look up to or expect to handle everything in life!

Still most of the times, I still feel a heavy pit in my stomach doing this but as I said, its exhilarating, believe me, to care less of what someone has to say about me and actually wonder if I even have something nice to say about myself after hollowing myself out for people who'd never appreciate it.

For conclusion, I just wanted to admit that being kind is free and so is being a bitch, you just gotta switch between the two at right times, and stop letting fucking drag you down, I promise the silence that comes after actually protecting your peace, no matter how boring it actually is, is infinity way better than entertaining lovers who hate themselves..

Until next time

….

💋

And its a weird thing, to have no self-esteem but the highest grade, to have everyone text you for notes but never to hang out, to be the floater friend who is invisible when not in range of your vision, and god, it had eroded so much of me, and i was never like this, seriously, but a decade long of exposure getting picked at just for my body, for things I wasnt the best at is an awful experience it made me nervous and tensed doing things that I was actually good at, and soon, I started hating everyone, because ive been settling for the bare minimum for so long that I resented everyone and distance myself and at the end of the day, it was just me picking up pieces of someone I used to be long ago.

And now, with my hormones wrecked, caffeine in my veins and practically no sleep, I am high on emotions and nostalgia, typing this furiously to make sense of this jumbled ache between my chest, I want to be the life of the party but I probably dont even want to come, I want to hangout with new people but I wouldn't even want to leave my room most days, I want to talk and talk and laugh and giggle and squeal and be breathless while talking to someone but I want to go full non-verbal, i dont understand anymore, what the fuck do i even want? I kinda do want to be an extrovert because that who i was before I crawled back into an empty shell of my own body, but people exhaust me, and its not some trauma response, because more than 2 people talking to me at the same time and I'll throw a chair at someone.

But I also want to experience a big friend group, where i am not some invisible entity, and have crushes and boyfriends and ahhhahha! The whole teenage experience but yeah, some of us are not privileged enough because what do you mean I have to crack an entrance exam which more than 2 million appear for every year, and i have like what 2 years?! Okay, so in my last essay i did say that I realized that I was a stupid bitch for being mean to myself for years over grades but yeah, blud, i said i realized, i am self aware but ain't no way im changing that anytime soon, well, I technically cant, so back on the main topic, look i do love my solitude more than making small talk with random ass folks i dont care about, but I hate being perceived as someone shy and quiet and timid, like whenever some says that ive been the smart one my whole life, it doesn't feel as a compliment anymore but rather like something now i take offense to secretly, because is that it…? Nothing else? Just someone buried in books all day? Look, I love being under books but I dont know why im not really loving the idea of people repeating that to me always, like im sick of hearing it.

So, to conclude this jumbled mixture of alphabets, I still dont know what tf is wrong with me? But I'm tired of always being called the smart, always being dismissed as some bookworm and I know i probably come across just like that but yeah, maybe I'm just tired of being the same thing for so long after all, doesn't mean I'm putting down the book, but it feels good to rant about something🌷

Until next time

……

💋

For the longest time, ive convinced myself that I am just unlovable, like a devastating truth etched on my very being, I have always felt that just like my presence, my absence too doesn't really affect anyone, it may be something liberating for some adults but damn, it sucks so bad when youre 16 and got like a friend or two at most, so this year I moved to class 11th which means that I also gave my 10th boards this year, and I've got a percentage I didn't even think was possible for me, because 90 something was what I expected but I got a whooping 98.4%, which to most would seem quite insignificant because after all it is just marks and a piece of paper that too of 10th class, but ive been doubting my everything for so long that looking at those marks made something in me click, like i am capable..? Yet I sabotage everything with fear like i cant help but be restless even after being the best, at one point I didnt opened my textbooks for 3 days in the exam month because I used to get so scared of seeing everything new and feeling hopeless after each wrong question, and I just wonder, just how many times has this fear clutched me back from my potential?!

I remember I skipped most school events because I genuinely believed that i didnt deserve to be happy unless I get a certain grade, and I am even exaggerating, I was so deadpan serious back then that I laugh now thinking about it all, but mostly I also feel quite sad of how horrifyingly I've betrayed myself, in times when people doubted me, I had joined them and doubted and judged myself, peeling each layer of insecurity and frustration, all on my self, ive been especially cruel to me, and others dont really matter, do they?

It was me who abandoned myself for a goal so insignificant and meaningless that when I actually sat with that feeling of seeing those straight As on the CBSE website, I felt really happy and then.. nothing? Really, I just felt stupid and hollow and like yeah, so what? The goal post just moved again, champ, get up and start running again, and I felt this very tiredness inside myself because I had declined countless offers to social events and hangouts with my friends, and now I've got it, the feeling of grandeur I expected never came?

Where's my damn academic validation?!!

Turns out I only ever busted my ass for everything was because my parents wanted this result, I couldn't have cared less honestly, and it felt so bad when they looked me in the eye, after pretending to be proud for a day, and told me to get back to my NEET prep and to not let it get to my head.. like tf-?! I just felt so stupid to have gave up so much only to have a half ass congrats when I was starving like a hound near to death, like please, i know its silly but I just want to hear it so damn much and these words have been heaving on my heart for months now and I write this now because it felt like im still carrying so much resentment over things nobody seems to understand.

Mainly, I feel so fucking sorry for ever doubting my capabilities and intellect, I seriously dont understand why im so insecure about my academics most times when I've had quite a bright past, like i cant seem to just let go of this anxiety often that i’ll just fuck this all up, when i’ve damn well not, but rather quite the opposite.

So well, I still dont know how to really trust myself to let go and just trust myself or anyone at this point, I am not even sure how to get rid of this anxiety or this crippling need to hear someone say they're proud of me, it sickens me, to be honest, to actually admit all this and even write it about, because I reread these tangible words and I realize just how real and fucked up I kinda am, like there's no way to hide when I'm being this damn straight forward with my own bullshit.

Finally, the conclusion is that i’ve definitely sinned gravely, to deny myself simple joys, to abandon all my self worth that was rooted intrinsically and then to go on and to attach it to a number on a piece of paper, to deny myself rest and peace, fuck it, I feel so damn bad when I actually think of it, but I dont want to continue like this (Rich coming from a girl going to bust her ass for 2 years that's going to leak anyways), but at least im aware that was kinda fucked up really, and that's progress, microscopic, I know, but progress is progress, come on

And lots of love to anyone still reading this, my next essay would be probably on about the opposite of this with a sickening, alarming level of optimism!🌀

Until next time

……….

💋

I'll skip the romantic ones well because I got nothing to say..? (Btchless since forever), starting strong with due to the lack of no actual love interest all I had was to turn to kids my age and trust them that they'll be nice, but lol, what do you expect from middle schoolers who see a fugly kid stammering and anxious, wanting to just be friends? I won't lie most of the kids i saw as my friends back then were especially cruel, like it sickens me that I find myself sometimes missing them over a good memory or two while overlooking the hundreds where I was shoved aside and mocked at, but things got marginally better when I was grade 9 and 10 then, I only spent my time with kids who actually treated me like a human and not a punching bag, but then too I had this gut wrenching feeling that all of this is still so fucking temporary and we won't even speak after school ends, and too much of the disappointment of my younger self from 1-2 years ago, I really dont speak to most of the people from school, like 3, yeah just 3, she would've freaked out so bad because what do you mean that there were so many people who were ‘friends’ and now they arent..? Like just a hollow space there instead of them, on good days I dont really miss anyone but like everyone, when those bad days come and even the basics tasks takes humongous will power, my mind do this vicious thing of remembering and reminiscing, and then again remembering and reminiscing and all of it all over again, until I realize that i had been crying over the past, something I should've gotten over as everyone claims, which is fair, it has been months but im still so lonely that it hurts, I just wanted to have a solid friend group, people who checked in but God, I know im asking for too much from kids who are now preparing for NEET, JEE and CA, but yeah, it would sound ridiculous to anyone reading this but you won't get my desperation for having my people, I know it sounds a bit cliché maybe even a little weird..

I do have a great friend out of the three people i talk to and she is amazing and we are like homegirls, even best friends (though none of us is a fan of that word), and I can't be any more grateful, I want to pour in the relief i have for having her in my life but words arent enough to describe the loss of anxiety, the disappearance of my crippling need for company and only if distance and NEET prep hasn't been nerfing our time together, i know im asking for too much with this but a girl can only hope, after all.

Okay, so finally words on something related to the title, I've always been kind of the floater friend in most friendship dynamics like youre just there, have a great chat with everyone and just go back.. home? Like most days we wouldn't call or chat on the phone after school, but i always expected so much and everyone seemed to just see past through me, and its not like I haven't tried, god, I was the most chalant person, with multiple I have tried but most times the efforts felt one-sided and well, I just gave up on trying and then radio silence, and I was pondering on a bus ride by the window today, about what was my share in the problem here and honestly I came up with a few- maybe I looked too desperate? I knew most my school life i looked chopped af, maybe it was about looks too? Or just maybe it wasnt meant for me or for them?

And the last question, was i expecting too much? I've craved deep relations in my life, where you've been together for decades (coming from someone who hasn't even seen her second decade yet), and maybe I've come across as too intense for someone who just wanted to chat, and in my defense, I can hold up decent conversations while not being too icky or desperate but man, I just wanted most of them for a longer time in my life, but yeah, shit happens and suddenly you guys haven't spoken for like half an year now.

So, that's the conclusion, I guess, as I mentioned earlier, I got a really great best friend and I wouldn't trade her for literally anyone from my past, but sometimes as i said, I remember and reminisce about what could've been, and that question and all those possibilities haunts me on nights like tonight, when ive got classes at 8 and its past 12 already, and I'm still up ranting about literal teenagers being jerks, okay, maybe the title is kinda misleading because I wandered off topic mostly but yeah, i only write when I'm an overflowing ball of feelings that i cant quite understand, so I just like write everything down, check up for grammar mistakes, add some funky ass images and hit the post button🤷‍♀️

So for that standard, i guess im writing pretty decently, i probably plan to write on something about a bit hope core because yeah, i need a change of essays here and lol, if anyone is still reading this thing, please drop some ideas on what I can write about or even better just give me some open ended questions so I can think and write on that, thank you really for reading this🫂

(I cant believe this is like a 1000 word essay😭😭)

Until next time

💋

Why would you rather spend most of your day scrolling on Instagram when im just right next to you? And you dont even listen to me when I speak, I dont understand, you gave me everything and so much but youre always, emotionally in some whole another multiverse,

I'm sorry but I won't stay here for long anyways, in a few years I'll move out for college and then have a whole new life and so much and we wouldn't even see each other often, please just look at me then, you act as if its burden to spend time with me and sometimes things dont fix when you throw bills at it!

I know you told me to go to my room and study because I always have exams almost every week, but they always come and it doesn't matter as much as you do! I know you told me to go and study but here I am trash talking about you on the internwt, while you've given me so much more than you ever had but I really just wanna be next to you, I know I probably sound like a very, ungrateful brat right now and maybe I am, fuck it, I actually am one!

But all I want is to spend my days off with you and mom but you're always busy or away at work or with your buddies, and im scared because when I'll move out would you even miss me? What is the point even? You say you'd cry when I'd leave but can't we just not really spend time when im still here, is it really important to just miss me when im finally gone from most of your life?!

Fucking crine, i know that but I remember mom always tell at family gatherings how you'd be the one to look after me when I couldn't sleep when I was a little girl, she once saw you sitting with me just watching advertisements on the TV because i just wouldn't sleep and it was past midnight and you had work tomorrow and gosh, I am not telling you do that again but is it that hard to look at me and not see that girl?

I am so dead ass tired of nagging you to spend some time with me and all that, and gosh, everytime I have to fake cry just to make you get off your phone, I am so sick of this, I haven't seen much of life but love was meant to flow easily and now ive to force it or you'll always be sitting with your phone, doomscrolling till your phone battery dies, and I wish I had the courage to say all this at your face but I'm sorry that I'm a coward and suck at communicating (got that from you anyways)

(To whoever reading this, thank you for reading my sob story of the day and do ignore if this isn't that well written, im using my crappy phone while ugly wailing writing this)

……..

Until next time

💋

Its quite depressing, honestly, I read this essay last month about the intimacy of never speaking again and yes, it resonates with me so much, because lol I kinda care (a crime in this age), in these moments i mostly wonder if you all miss me too sometimes, if some random, silly things makes you see me in them? If my name even appears in your conversations anymore or if im just a ghost of your past? I used to imagine plans for our future trips or hangouts and now that the school, the one thing tying us together, is over- i dont even get a back call anymore?!

The problem is, I saw this coming, I felt this churning realization in my gut always when he hung around last year, but i thought we'd be fine, but jokes on me, we are definitely not fine.

And this is the problem with gradual fallouts, it's not a sudden moment of betrayal or anger but a slow erosion of the relationship we built, and you can't even point to the exact time when things started spiralling downwards because it is that painfully slow, and I resent you all and me alike because now we're parter and I can't even get a call back anymore, but also a part of me feels this nervous excitement of moving away from places from your formative years, because I was low-key so chopped and awkward too🥀, and that's why it's a bit difficult to actually make friends in this new place,

I dont want any of you in my life back, because lol im so done with this but i- well i just dont want to be some ghost of your past too, at the same damn time, even in some small, silly things I want you to see me and remember my birthday and maybe just think about me in these random moments when I think about you too, for i want to leave a dent in your heart so you remember who i was once and everything that we had.

And well i dont really have a conclusion here because my feelings are still a mess and im still hurting (when am I not?), but it's sad feeling to part ways from people that you thought would be with you forever…

Until next time

💋

He made my doll heart light up with joy

Oh, dear diary, we fell apart

Welcome to the life of Electra Heart💔

So, initially i planned to write this way later but ha, shit happens, it always do.

I've had a crush on him for 3 times in a span of a year, first 2 times when we were in the same tuition and the last time when we both left the tuition and met again at my badminton academy (Work of fate, i know), i still remember seeing him at the reception and literally combusting and I scurried into the court area, and he called after me, oh my god! I've never felt my heart race so freaking fast, we small talked and then he asked that I should come to the morning batches because it's less crowded at that time and I could feel my heart exploding, this was the guy I had an actual crush on,

And mind you, I don't just trip in crushes herea and there, this was the first time I told my best friend because I am always insecure about these things, I look conventionally decent, but it's not really enough, is it??

Well, long story short, he went on for a month long trip, promised he'd join back in June and well now it's July, no sign of him, conveniently my best friend goes to the same institute as him and she reports if he's still single or not and yeah basic stuff ( work of fate.. again, I know)

Well, guess what? During our daily hours long call, she told me that he's probably seeing someone…

AHAHAHAHAH!!!!! I KNEW THIS WAS INEVITABLE BUT THIS HURTS LIKE FUCK??!!😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I need to calm down but how the fck can I?? I have like zero romantic experiences well for reasons I'll write soon about, but seriously I'm only getting more heartbroken rather than mad, and it's not really about the guy too! It never is!

I always have believed that I'm basically unlovable since childhood just because I wasn't the most conventionally attractive and always had some extra pounds (the American one), but i genuinely thought this was my shot at experiencing teenage love because well I've never really..?

Its damn embarrassing, and i wanna cry because i think im missing onto something important and crucial, and I thought maybe even for a few months I could feel more like a dumb, broke high-school kid for once and not some study machine, but well fate.. I guess??

I still think im missing out on something very important and I don't know, why this is happening to me?

And shit like this always happens when I have an exam coming up in 2 days, like babe, gimme a damn break😭😭

And well, I feel like crying, not because of that guy specifically because of what he represented to me, a shot at having a teenage love, of being loved and seen and god.. so much more,

And maybe, or even probably im just thinking too much and he's just a guy after all and im way better off without someone like him, but reason went outta that door when I saw his stupid face and awkward, crooked and cute smile with his little quirks,

Gosh.. im going to be soooo doomed for a while now😮‍💨😮‍💨

Until next time

💋

This is my first time writing here or for the matter of fact, ever online, so yeah, I'm kinda sorry already if this isn't really coherent (if anyone reads this?)

This is more for me, because i guess I'm already tired of pretending i didnt wanted to do this since a long time now.

So, for a formal introduction, I'm a.. girl(is it wasnt obvious), well I'm 16 and I got to know about subtack from Instagram (ah, how unique😮‍💨), I'm in grade 11 and recently I've been on the verge crashing out because the physics questions are strangling me at this point and then I got to know about this platform, I loved the whole vibe and how everyone was just posting, so I did too, firstly it was just random photos from my day or from Pinterest that are always buried in my gallery, well it still is but I am feeling this urge to write too.

So, here I am, instead of writing in my journal I'll probably write here more often, it's going to be personal🤷‍♀️, and I know it's kinda boring rn, but I swear I've so much to write , which I'll try to do sooner.

This is a freaking big deal for me because even though I've always loved doing creative things, my creative spirit is being squished down by NEET modules and PYQs, so this is my little escape, maybe a rebellion too? I can't express how damn happy I am write now!!

Even though no one might read this, at the end this is for me too!

So.. I guess that's enough for the first one,

Until next time

💋