Stocked inside, books.

Human written books.

How curious?

A rabbit peeks from its burrow as light pours from the ground, creeping along the forest floor.

There’s a rattle, then a creak, then silence as the fairy nabs one and scurries away.

These are the books that I would stock:

• Silver in the Wood - Emily Tesh

A short book, around 100 pages, but the sort of story that makes you want to wonder into the forest at night with no shoes on. Like faeries, our main character is tethered to magical trees. I think the faeries would have more empathy for humans after reading this.

“A long time, whispered the low rustle of the breeze in the leaves outside. A long time, sang the drip-drip-drip of rainwater, softly, while Tobias sat clear-eyed and sleepless in the dark, listening to the wood.”

• Servant of Earth - Sarah Hawley

For the more mature faeries who want something dark and sensual. This is hunger games, but for faeries who thrive in autumn and love the colour burgundy. This has the power to inspire women to revolt.

“That was the way of some men. Their tongues wagged in an imitation of love while their fists dealt pain. I stroked the dagger’s outline at my thigh, thinking about what it might be like to live in a world where women didn’t have to depend on people they feared for safety.”

• Upstream - Mary Oliver

The sort of author fairies would go on a pilgrimage to visit. Read her poems and you will see. Here is a beautiful excerpt. I cry every time I read ‘packets of violets.’

“Sometimes the desire to be lost again, as long ago, comes over me like a vapor. With growth into adulthood, responsibilities claimed me, so many heavy coats. I didn’t choose them, I don’t fault them, but it took time to reject them. Now in the spring I kneel, I put my face into the packets of violets, the dampness, the freshness, the sense of ever-ness. Something is wrong, I know it, if I don’t keep my attention on eternity. May I be the tiniest nail in the house of the universe, tiny but useful. May I stay forever in the stream. May I look down upon the windflower and the bull thistle and the coreopsis with the greatest respect.”

• Shady Hollow - Juneau Black

One should read this beside a fire, with a cup of mint tea. Or perhaps with your legs swinging from a dock. It’s a mystery series where the characters are woodland creatures - the very animals these fairies live beside.

“What does such a place look like? you wonder. First of all, a beautiful river winds through the town. Burbling cheerfully in the summer months, the river slows to a statelier pace in autumn. It freezes over in winter, and the residents of Shady Hollow host skating parties and build snow critters all along the banks. Even the creatures prone to hibernation cannot resist the lure of such icy enchantments in this place! And in spring, the river rushes back to life, nearly overflowing its banks after swelling with snowmelt and seasonal rains.”

• A River enchanted - Rebecca Ross

An island of missing children. The only hope, a bard whose songs heal the withering land.

Elemental magic is my favourite, y’know, soft magic like protection spells woven into armour, or gossip being sung through the winds. Ancient witchcraft, really. Rebecca Ross does it so well.

“I imagine what it would be like to be immortal, to hold no fear of death. To dance and burn for an endless era. And I think how dull such an existence would be. That one would do anything to feel the sharp edge of life again..”

• Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries - Heather Fawcett

A professor of dryadology heads to small town in the far north to conduct research on the fae that live there. I imagine the faeries would read this and giggle with mirth at Emily’s adventures.

“The Folk were of another world, with its own rules and customs—and to a child who always felt ill-suited to her own world, the lure was irresistible.”

• Frankenstein - Mary Shelley

A horror, for a fairy, I’d say. They would gasp, at the treatment of the monster. Would shrink in despair, at the catastrophes that occur when man flies too close to the sun. Perhaps they would use this as a manual on how ^not to behave? I’d like to think so.

“Even broken in spirit as he is, no one can feel more deeply than he does the beauties of nature. The starry sky, the sea, and every sight afforded by these wonderful regions, seems still to have the power of elevating his soul from earth. Such a man has a double existence: he may suffer misery, and be overwhelmed by disappointments; yet, when he has retired into himself, he will be like a celestial spirit that has a halo around him, within whose circle no grief or folly ventures.”

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Recommendations welcome ⋆˚꩜｡⋆

Don’t worry, I’m not here to tell you that doomscrolling is actually okay. I’m just here to provide you with some easy crafting ideas that feel so satisfying, the urge to scroll won't even cross your tired mind.

To be completely transparent, some of my recent notes have received a lot of positive attention, which is mostly why I wanted to write this. I’ve had a few people ask for tutorials on how I made certain bits, so I decided to put together a list of some fun DIY gifts - either for yourself or someone else. Enjoy!

Cross-stitch bookmarks

Money has been pretty tight for me lately, which meant I had to get crafty with christmas gifts last year. I have a big family so I spent ages trying to think of something I could buy in bulk -for cheap- that would still feel thoughtful. Then, ✨whilst doomscrolling✨, I stumbled across an Instagram post by the username @thebakerandtheboys (click here) and quite literally ran to Hobbycraft.

Unfortunately, these bookmarks aren’t a quick DIY project. They require thought, time, and patience - something that may be frustrating at first (especially since we’re so accustomed to five second highs). All I can promise is that these are surprisingly addictive to make once you get the hang of it. Plus, it feels very refreshing to build something from scratch with your hands.

Here’s what you’ll need:

• Aida cloth

• Embroidery needle

• Three embroidery threads (green, grey, and a colour of choice for the flower/border)

• Felt to match your chosen flower colour

• Beads

• Fabric glue

Method:
(steps also pictured below)

1. Cut the aida cloth into a small rectangle.

2. Stitch a border about 0.5cm inside the rectangle using grey floss and your chosen coloured floss.

3. Once the double border has been stitched, find the centre and stitch the plant stem in a straight line, adding leaves afterwards.

4. After this is complete, move onto the flower pattern using the coloured floss, keeping the design simple and easily repeatable.

5. Once the pattern is fully complete, glue the stitched aida cloth onto felt using a small amount of fabric glue.

6. Finally, blanket stitch around the edge to secure the two layers together.

Optional - add a tassel made from spare floss and beads to act as a proper bookmark string.

Now your bookmark is complete!

If you find the blanket stitch too complicated, just make a simple border like I did with the blue bookmark below (this was my first attempt).

Again, if you’re really considering trying this, I suggest first checking out @thebakerandtheboys on Instagram, as she posts full videos of the bookmarks being made.

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Blind date with a book bundle

If you’re looking for a quicker way to get creative, this one definitely ticks that box. I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily cheap to buy all of the ‘ingredients’, but once you’ve got them, you’ll be able to recreate these again and again. I was even lucky enough to sell some of these and make a profit, so that’s something to consider as-well!

Here’s what you’ll need for the blind date with a book:

• A cheap book

• Brown wrapping paper

• String of choice (I used brown twine and a floral one)

• Embellishments (e.g. the wooden lady bugs pictured above)

• Stickers

• Coloured paper (to make the mini envelope)

• Patterned paper

• Letter stamps (or pen to name the genre)

• Glue

How to make it:

1. Find a cheap book (any second-hand bookstore will do).

2. Wrap the book neatly in plain brown paper.

3. Arrange your design cover based on the book theme. For romance; think pink tones, floral stickers, and pretty lettering stating the genre (I stamped black letters onto patterned paper and cut them into stamp sized squares).

4. Make a small envelope to go with the design - I literally googled ‘how to make an envelope’, and tucked a few stickers inside as a surprise.

5. Stick everything down and tie your string to finish.

If you want to add an additional gift bag, here’s what I used:

• Drawstring pouch

• Hot chocolate sachet

• Bookmark

• Sweet treat (Lotus biscuits and/or chocolate bar)

• Stickers

• Fruity tea bag

• Pencil

• Bookmark

And voila, cute bookish gift complete!

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Fabric-backed picture frame

This probably isn’t anything new, since I’ve seen it on Pinterest about a thousand times. But I can confirm that it’s popular for a reason, because this one is SUPER easy and cheap to make.

The majority of the items needed for this can be found at the thrift store. The only extra thing you might need is a photo booth strip, but you could easily put any kind of photo in here - old, or new.

The items you will need to make this are:

• Photo frame (I thrifted mine)

• Fabric (thrifted again)

• Double sided tape

• Photo of choice

Method:

1. Start by carefully removing the glass from the photo frame.

2. Measure your fabric to the size of the frames’ cardboard backing, and cut it out leaving about 1cm extra around the sides.

3. Use double sided tape to stick down the 1cm fabric edges so the cardboard is neatly covered.

4. Once complete, stick your chosen photo onto the middle of the fabric using double sided tape.

5. Then put the glass back in place and you’re done!

Here’s a quick tip - if you go to a passport photo booth, they usually have a fun strip option too.

In future, I plan to give personalised photo frames to anyone in my life who gets married, as a thoughtful wedding present. Equally, this would work really well as a valentines gift for your partner.

Prayer tin

I wouldn’t call myself religious, but I’m definitely someone who believes in a higher something. In moments of desperation, sometimes all we can do is pray. So this is perfect for those moments - when words aren’t enough and we can’t help but BEG the universe for help.

I feel like a prayer tin is the perfect gift for someone who may be going through a hard time. However, I understand that this might not be for everyone, so you could always make a ‘manifestation tin’, or ‘inspirational quote tin’ instead - both would work equally well.

What you’ll need:

• Silver tin (you could use an Altoids tin)

• Hot glue gun

• Fabric

• Letter beads

• Stickers

• Paper

How to make it:

1. Measure out your fabric so it fits inside of the tin, then stick it in place with hot glue.

2. Grab your beads and find your required letters so you can glue them down.

3. Add fun stickers around the wording to make the design extra cute. I used mini golden stars and gemstones.

4. Fill the tin with paper so you have somewhere to write your prayers.

Simple as that!

Wrapping paper

We’re going to need something to wrap the presents in, right? So why not get creative and design your own paper - using supplies you probably already have from previous DIY projects.

This one really needs no explanation. Grab some plain brown paper, add cute stickers, tie everything together with string, and call it done <3

DIY gift guide complete!

Please do let me know if you have any questions <3

How do I put this? January arrived with a sense of impending doom. The overwhelming possibilities of the New Year caused me to shrink a little inside myself. BUT somehow, we made it through the month unscathed. I’m happy to say that I’ve arrived in February with a fresh sense of purpose, and these were the books that helped me find the way.

So, welcome dear reader, to the first instalment of my monthly reading wrap-up series. I read two great books this month, and two others. That’s not to say that the latter weren’t good in their own right, but you can’t win them all…

In no particular order, here are the books I read in January:

1. Daisy Jones & The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid

   Rating: ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

I may or may not have watched the TV show adaptation of Daisy Jones & The Six before reading the actual book…and before you click off, I understand that’s technically a sin. But hear me out.

Taylor Jenkins Reid is well known for writing fantastic books. Before getting to Daisy Jones, I’d already read Malibu Rising, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, and Atmosphere. All of which were pretty much six star reads for me. Therefore, when faced with the crippling decision of choosing a new show to watch, I didn’t think twice about choosing Daisy Jones before reading the book. I had an inkling that the story would have the classic TJR feel that I was craving, plus it was a way to get my non-reader fiancé to see what the fuss was about (spoiler alert - he said it’s one of the best shows he’s ever seen).

Daisy Jones & The Six is about a fictional band in the seventies and their rise to becoming one of the biggest acts in the world. The story is told in interview format, with the band now in their forties, reminiscing on their glory days. We follow two main characters in particular, solo musician Daisy Jones herself, and Billy Dunne of The Six. Despite both having their own ideas of where they want their music to go, Billy and Daisy are pushed together by their manager to become one, thus becoming Daisy Jones & The Six.

The pairing comes with unthinkable highs and gut wrenching lows. This is about addiction, forbidden love, and how our decisions impact who we are meant to be. If you’re into rock and roll, the hippy culture, or seventies/eighties nostalgia, this one is definitely for you.

A bit of lore for you as-well, Reid was actually inspired by, “A few fiery glances between Fleetwood Mac’s Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham during a 1997 live performance of Landslide.” If you watch the performance (link), the tension between Nicks and Buckingham is palpable - and this is the exact way this book feels.

Also, due to this becoming a TV show, this story actually has a soundtrack (listen here). The Fleetwood Mac influence is very apparent.

2. My Friends by Fredrik Backman
   Rating: ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

Every month, my bookclub uses a name generator to determine whose pick it will be. I’d been waiting for my choice for MONTHS, and thankfully, last time I got lucky! If it’s not already clear, I chose My friends for the book club, and I wish you could’ve heard my scream when ‘Jasmine’ finally popped up on the screen.

My Friends is a story about art, or more so, a story that frames human connection as art. We follow a group of kids who find true love in each other one summer, and the unlikely orphan who infiltrates their lives twenty-five years later.

There are so many visceral moments from this book that have solidified into my mind. The kids jumping into the sea, the hilarious train ride, the gallery heist, and so many moments I want to lock away forever. Despite the intense themes of neglect and abuse, I came away from this book inspired and so hopeful. My Friends is about finding your people and clinging to them for dear life. Experiencing home for the first time by hearing the words, ‘I love you and I believe in you.’ And never giving up faith that good will prevail.

After finishing My Friends, I watched an interview with Backman to try and unpick his mind. He mentioned that at one stage, he wasn’t sure if this book would ever get published. That he had given an initial first draft to ‘the people who make money from him,’ but that it was rejected for being too dark. He didn’t know how to cope with this at the time, but reflecting on the novel now, it feels clear that Backman’s way of coping was to place that feeling inside each of his characters. Through them, he shows how dark moments can be endured, shared, and ultimately overcome. In doing so, Backman drives home a powerful message: art isn’t only what the creator produces, it’s how the artist got there, and who they got there with.

If you’ve ever felt like your heart is too big for this world, My Friends is must read. Empathy a superpower, never forget it.

3. The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway
   Rating: ☆ ☆ ☆

It feels like a crime to rate a classic three stars, but some books hit home, and some books just don’t. Perhaps I was overly optimistic when picking this one up, but I was just expecting ✨more✨.

To give a preface, I love books about the sea, especially lyrical writing that makes the ocean feel like its own character. Think Wild Dark Shore by Charlotte McConaghy for example. An atmospheric book that gives the sea her own heartbeat. I crave books like that, which is why I gravitated to this one by Hemingway.

The Old Man and The Sea follows an ageing fisherman who’s had a long streak of bad luck. Determined to prove that all is not lost, the senior sailor ventures alone into open waters in pursuit of a great catch. After many gruelling days at sea, he hauls in the fish of a lifetime - only fate has other plans. Ultimately, this is a story about obsession, perseverance, and how far man will go despite ourselves.

I often feel bad for writing negative-leaning reviews. If you’re anything like me, you’ll know how much stress it takes to try to write a book, let alone manage to publish one that becomes a classic. However, I’d rather be honest. Frankly, the moral of the story was so in your face that the book should have been called ‘The Consequences of Insane Passion’. It is so simple in its form that I really struggled to find my own meaning in it at all - and I’m not the only one. I’ve discovered that this book is like marmite, some people think that the story is groundbreaking, others think it’s completely boring. For me, it was just okay.

My favourite quote was this:

“He always thought of the sea as 'la mar' which is what people call her in Spanish when they love her. Sometimes those who love her say bad things of her but they are always said as though she were a woman.”

It’s only my favourite because the old man describes the ocean as female.

4. Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare
   Rating: ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

During a recent book slump, I decided to raid my nan’s bookshelf to find some inspiration (I wrote an article about it if you’re interested). During said raid, I randomly picked up City of Bones by Cassandra Clare, completely unaware that this was part of a 17 book interconnected series called the Shadowhunters Chronicles! Nevertheless, I was hooked -still am hooked- and have been binging the series ever since.

All of which brings me to Clockwork Angel, the first book in Clare’s second Shadowhunter series (bit of a tongue twister!) It’s actually a prequel set in the late Victorian era where we follow a girl named Tessa who is summoned to England by her older brother. Upon arrival, Tessa is captured by a pair of Warlocks who intend to prepare her for an arranged marriage. We watch as she discovers a secret world hidden inside of herself - all whilst realising that her brother may not be the person he claims to be.

I loved this book primarily because it provides so much lore for things I adored in the first series. I won’t bore you with too many details, but the main characters here are essentially the great-grandparents of the characters in City of Bones. As such, it was incredibly satisfying to meet them and see the parallels - especially because this series is set in London rather than New York. I got to watch Shadowhunters fight villains on London Bridge, talk with British accents, and witness the magic system play out in a city so close to my heart.

The Shadowhunter books perfect if you enjoy unique magic systems, love triangles, and a healthy cup of teen angst.

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So, there we have it! Those were the four books I read in January.

The options for my February ‘to read’ list are as follows:

Stick around to see which ones I get to!

Thank you for reading <3

There’s something so cool about that.

Something so delightful that I’m surprised more people aren’t doing it.

I realise I’m a bit late to the party with this one (seeing as we’re already nearing the end of January), but I’m of the opinion that it’s never too late to start a reading journal. If you’re unsure what that is, it’s simply a creative (and fun) way to keep track of your reading habits throughout the year.

Most people prepare their journals for the start of January, and by the time December comes around, they have a notebook packed with fabulous collages and endless notes on books they’ve read each month.

Here are some examples of journal entries I like…

In comparison, I’d say my journal this year is a mixture of all of these put together. More stark in contrast perhaps, yet simple.

I have five main pages:

1. Books I want to read this year

2. Monthly favourites

3. Book bingo

4. Alphabet bingo

5. Reading log

Then afterwards, I’ll use the leftover pages to write full written reviews.

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I understand that this may feel somewhat excessive to some…

Why make such a song and dance about reading?

I totally get that.

But I also really enjoy filling it in, and that’s the point.

So, I thought that some of you may benefit from a quick recap on what I used to create my pages. Because I think that you should have a go at making one too!

As someone who doesn’t really have the space (or money) to buy a full printer, I decided to get one of these portable mini printers instead. I was worried the journal wouldn’t look as good because it only prints in black&white, but actually, it forced me to get creative with the colourful backgrounds.

I began by researching all of the books on my ‘to read’ list, then prioritised the favourites to print out. It was a bit fiddly with getting the sizing right for the page, but once we got there, it was just a case of cutting and sticking.

As you can see, I’ve already finished two books on the page, so I used a fine line black pen to fill out my star ratings.

For all of the next designs, I cut out some black card and used it as a backdrop instead of the lined pages of my journal. I then stuck the card down with glue and cemented it in place with washi tape, which worked as a pretty border.

For this one, I spent a long time considering how to incorporate Jan/Feb/Mar etc… onto the page. Since I already owned a letter stamper, I thought it would be neat to simply stamp the initial of each month onto mini rectangles. That way, I could just print the book cover of my favourite read at the end of each month and stick it in.

I also recently purchased these woodland creature stickers, which looked sweet alongside the polka dot washi tape. I wanted to keep a simple blue colour scheme here, since the previous page was very vibrant.

This design was particularly fun because I thrifted a bunny hole punch, and managed to incorporate some of the confetti. Once again, I used black card and washi tape for the border to hide any blank space. Then, I looked online for book bingo inspo and printed the ideas I liked the most. I’ll stick a gold star in the corner of any that I complete.

I’ve already managed to tick one off by reading Daisy Jones & The Six, which turned into a TV series.

I decided that a theme to match the botanical washi tape would be best for this design, so I stuck with yellow and green cut-outs. Again, I used stamps to spell out the letters of the alphabet. It was quicker than writing them out.

Of course, once I finish a book I’ll add a small picture of the cover onto each letter, just like I have with Clockwork Angel and Daisy Jones.

Every time I’ve made a reading journal in the past, the log has been my favourite page to fill in. So, I decided to go all out this time by using beads as the main focus. I’ll stick in a pink smiley bead for any physical books I read, a blue for any e-books, and a green for any audiobooks.

I started this page in the same way as the ones previously mentioned, laying out the black card and washi tape first. Then, I used a hot glue gun to put the beads in place. Simple as that!

FYI - I purchased the hot glue gun from Hobbycraft for £5.00 which was very affordable. Standard glue won’t keep the beads in place unfortunately, so I’m afraid it’s a must.

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And there we have it…my reading journal flick through is complete!

Perhaps at the end of 2026 I’ll post an update of my finished journal?

Let me know your thoughts <3

And what is it about that thought that sinks its teeth in so deep?

And why is tomorrow or in five years not ok…?

It seems like I’m asking a lot of questions, but doesn’t it boil down to the fact that we need to do things now, incase we die tomorrow? Incase in five years we don’t feel like doing them anymore, and the potential we had is lost.

We could’ve made it already, if only we had started five years ago.

Everything would’ve been perfect, if only we had started yesterday.

So we must start now to make up for lost time, right?

Because who the fuck are we if we aren’t achieving right now.

I’ve written a few drafts of various books over the years. None of them are finished and none of them are good enough, objectively. And every time I think about the characters in my books, I feel a deep sense of panic. They are being wasted, sitting on a laptop rather than in someone else’s hands. Nobody will ever get to love them like I do, if I don’t publish as soon as possible. I then scramble, frantically pick up my laptop and re-read what I’ve written. Realize I wish I had kept going before, that’s it’s actually not as bad as I remember, and become so overwhelmed with regret that I shut the laptop and don’t come back until the same cycle repeats.

But the cause of that isn’t that I don’t want to write a book, is it? It’s that I have too much on my mind already. And fuck me, I can barely get through the day as it is. Why am I forcing something that isn’t right for me at this moment in time? Just so I can become successful sooner, earn better money, and become less stressed? To prove that I can do it? So in five years, I may have amounted to something. Well, in that case, it looks like I’m in it for the wrong reasons. I’m sure I’ll still amount to something in five years no matter what. And I’m not going to give myself more back pain right now to get there.

I think we live in speed 1.5 these days, which causes our natural instincts to heighten so much that they become our demise. We need to constantly strive for more to survive, like our Neanderthal cousins did. But now, we aren’t running away from grizzly bears, we’re running away from debt and invisibility. So deep inside of us, we want to do what everyone else is doing, and better. We need to do that, because having a full time job isn’t enough. Now, we must reach the top of the food chain on our own, because we don’t have a pack to support us.

We simply will not survive if not.

And that’s why we feel we must earn something for our time, whether that’s money, an applause, or validation. Because otherwise, it’s not worth it. We will fall behind in the race.

Writing poetry isn’t enough if it doesn’t win a competition.

Crocheting a top isn’t enough if it doesn’t sell for a tenner on Vinted.

Nothing is fucking enough if you don’t fucking show it off.

Quietly enjoying a hobby simply is NOT enough.

But when did stillness become so embarrassing?

So, back to me again (sorry). I just don’t think that writing a book right now is something I can do. And I’m finally ready to admit that. Because the story will still be there in five years, and if it isn’t? If I’m dead (hope not), or uninterested? So be it. It wasn’t right for me in the first place. I had fun writing when it felt right, and that’s what matters. I didn’t do it to spoon-feed the itch that tells me I need to or I’ll die.

And just maybe I’m putting this out there as a reminder to myself that nothing else in life needs to be rushed, either. I don’t have to pump out ten articles a month just to get subscribers. If there’s a time in my life where I have the capacity to do that, and the right people get fulfilment out of my words, then great. If not, it wasn’t meant for me. And yes, naturally I worry that this sounds defeatist, the cycle of what ifs are burning a hole in my head as we speak, but isn’t that the fucking point?

Nothing good can come from living in a constant state of overworked blob!

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I remember watching this self help video a while ago, and one of the things the narrator said was, “you don’t have to be things you like.” For some reason, that line really stuck with me. Every time I read a good book or watch a good movie, I think, wow, if only I had made that. If only I had stopped fucking around and made that. And there it is again, regret turned into self hatred, turned into nothingness.

I haven’t achieved anything because I haven’t achieved that.

But just because you’ve enjoyed a good book or article, doesn’t mean you have to write one too. You can simply enjoy it and that’s it. You don’t have to earn the things that bring you pleasure. You can write for yourself and nobody else, and that’s ok. You don’t need to win a subscriber for your thoughts!

So, I write this as a reminder to you, overtired diva. Writing is NOT running away from you. It will still be there tomorrow, and it’s ok to give yourself a break if you can’t make it work today.

There’s a sort of freedom in being unmarketable.

It’s time we let that sink in.

When I get like this, I’m a hard person to talk to. Most of the time, I’m utterly consumed -not actually there- wondering who I am, who I want to be. How I come across. Whether I’m a good enough friend. Whether I’ve said the wrong thing. Whether so and so likes me. What my future plans are. Whether those plans will work out. If I’m making the right decisions. If my life is heading in the right direction. How the people around me see me. Whether I’m too much. Whether I’m not enough. Whether I’m too awkward. Whether my personality is off-putting. Whether my face is too bitchy. Why my words never come out right.

Why I find it so hard to feel normal.

It gets to a point that I become so self absorbed, so burnt out, that my priorities become a checklist. Fun things and future events become chores that I’m unable to enjoy because I’m so stressed about doing the right thing, being the right person. And nothing feels rewarding at that point because I know that I can never get it right. And in that case, I ought to just do nothing because it’s better for the people I love, than probably letting them down. And so I might as well just curl into a ball and sink into the absurd…

It’s a paradoxical, self sabotaging loop. One that I’m determined to fix.

I recently read a substack post which said, “you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.” A simple mantra that set my world alight. It’s like my pulse slowed down in that moment, because isn’t that the core of all my concerns? Making sure that I’m saying the right things, doing the right things, being the right person? Isn’t that why I feel so disconnected? Because life has become a performance. One where my self worth is based on reactions - based on tiny glimpses of successful ‘rightness’.

And is that why I feel so unfulfilled? Because I haven’t allowed myself the freedom to just be. Space to think about what really matters, and feeling like total dog shite every time an important event comes around, and I’m too much of a mess to have prepared in the most perfect way. Because that’s what matters, right? Being prepared? Being on top of things, being organized, being the best.

Being.

Being.

Being.

But when did my self worth become how I am, rather than who I am?

And is there something there? Can this mantra apply to the rest of life?

Perhaps, you can’t do the wrong thing with the right intentions?

Perhaps you can’t be wrong for the right person?

And doesn’t that solve everything?

And don’t I have space to think now!

So what actually matters? Being someone who loves authentically sounds a fair place to start. And there’s no place for overthinking there, because if you offer love to the right person, then they will accept it with open arms.

So, let’s apply this to my fiancés birthday…in a blurry haze, the idea of it became too overwhelming to consider. I didn’t know how to make it perfect, so I didn’t think about it at all. Deep down, I forgot what mattered. Simply making sure that he feels celebrated and loved. Simply thinking about him rather than myself. Simply allowing my love to be enough, no grandiose gestures required.

And once the tirade of perfectionist thoughts ceased, I became creative. Yes, I may not have enough money, but I can lay the table with homemade confetti. I can DIY brown wrapping paper with sequins like someone had on Pinterest. I can bake his favourite cookies and cut them into the shape of maple leaves. I can peacefully craft a day that makes him shine from the rooftops, one that doesn’t have to be stressful. Doesn’t have to be loaded with guilt that I haven’t done enough. Haven’t spent enough. Because I can’t do the wrong thing, for the right person.

And I’m afraid it’s as simple as that.

I’m afraid I am enough without the glitz and glamor. I can give enough if it comes from the heart.

And I’m at peace now. At peace with the knowledge that rightness is a facade, and me-ness isn’t.

It was a pleasant journey. On the train, I listened to the soundtrack of Daisy Jones & the Six, and almost cried when the song Regret You came on (a knot just formed in my throat thinking about it). I found myself wishing I had a book to read, and suddenly, as the train pulled up to London Bridge, an idea formed in my head…

It was late when I finally arrived, and as usual -much to the delight of the neighbours- our dog heard the knock first. Strangely, his bark seems to have gotten louder in old age. He’s always been defiant like that.

I believe my nan’s first words to me were, “oh, you must get to bed darling, it’s so late.” Typical nan-ish behaviour. But there was something I had to do first. Something I’d been dreaming about since my last visit.

It wasn’t the distinct smell of my sister’s horse riding gear, which wafted towards my nose the minute I stepped in.

It wasn’t the numerous tea-lights sitting on various bits of old, crackling furniture, casting a glittery butter yellow around the front room (though I do enjoy that).

It was the bookshelf.

The bookshelf.

To give some context, I was raised by my nan, so this bookshelf is like my own personal time-capsule. Some of the stories have been collecting dust since I was a baby, and even before that which is funny to imagine. It’s a carnival of books in that cabinet; school books (various generations), anthologies, picture books, classics, my teen favourites—she’s got it all!

Anyway, nan’s supply has somewhat dwindled over the years. Some slipped through the cracks of time, but most have been given away through her own selfless deeds. Even so, she’s managed to keep some of her favourites. The ones that matter. It’s like a family archive in there now. So every time I visit, I like to browse and see if anything takes my fancy.

I guess you could call this part one, because these are only a small fraction of the treasures that I found:

Old books

I find it utterly remarkable that books my nan used to read at school are now considered rare vintage collectables. I wonder if Winnie the Witch or Funnybones will one day become sought out by historians. When I’m old and grey, and the 50’s have become neanderthal territory to the new Gen youngsters, will they find flicking through those books as interesting as I did? Will my grandchildren cackle at how ancient the writing sounds? Bug me with questions about what life was like in the early 2000’s? I’m already nostalgic for that time, I wonder what I’ll feel like then…

This book was published in the late 19th century (wow). It’s a religious magazine edited by Reverend Charles Bullock, which contains advice, stories, and parish news. Where my nan found this, I do not know (she’s not religious).

I was particularly drawn to this illustration of a lighthouse, and the pretty poem beneath.

“Far in the bosom of the deep
O’er these wild shelves my watch I keep
A ruddy gem of changeful light
Bound on the dusky brow of Night
The Seaman bids my lustre hail
And scorns to strike his tim’rous sail”

-The Pharos Loquitur, written by Sir Walter Scott on his visit to the Bell Rock

Nan’s nostalgia

Oh to be a Lancashire University student in the seventies…

Did you know that pretty much every old school band you’ve ever heard of (exaggeration much) played at Lancashire University between the years 1969 and 1985? I’m talking The Smiths, Pixies, The Cure, Dire Straits, The Clash, and even Bob Marley and The Wailers! Over this time period, the University’s Great Hall became a ‘must play’ venue for rock bands—how insane is that?

Anyway, of course nan had to buy When Rock Went to College because she was cool enough to go to Lancashire herself!!!

Read about it here.

There are multiple books on my nan’s shelf that have mysteriously lost their covers…it’s best not to ask.

After doing a bit of research, I found that The Box of Delights was turned into a popular BBC tv series. You can still watch it now (link below), however I could only stand the first ten minutes before I had to shut it off. I find there’s a distinct eeriness in British shows made in the early eighties…am I the only one?

The Box of Delights BBC Link

My nostalgia

These tomes (yes, I’m calling them that) were my pride and joy as a pre-teen. I’m not sure what came first, my love for history, or the purchasing of these books. Anyway, they go hand in hand.

I spent many hours flicking through these delicately crafted pages, and made it my mission to collect them all - Dragonology, Wizardology, Pirateology, Knightology. Sadly, I grew out of them before I achieved that goal.

I’ll admit that the major selling point was that these books are interactive. In Mythology, there’s even a section where you can open Pandoras Box. That used to scare me quite a bit as a kid.

Three noteworthy school reads above ^

I have a distinct memory of my year 10 English Teacher doing the best readings (performances) of The Graveyard Book. The main character is called Bod which is a fantastic name. But even better, he lives in a graveyard, and is raised by ghosts!!! This was a great first introduction to Neil Gaiman—one that I still think about often.

Shoutout to Never Let Me Go for preparing me well in advance for the Posthumanism module that would later come on my University course. Thankfully, I was well versed in the ethics of androids, and Dolly the Sheep.

(And come on, it would be wrong for me not to mention how great Tom Cruise was in The War of the Worlds.)

THESE BOOKS WERE MY SHIT! (pardon the language)

I think I fell in love with reading for the first time when I discovered book one of this series, Wolf Brother. I loved these books so much that I would read all day, and force my nan to read them to me as I drifted off to sleep too. I sincerely urge you to gift this to a young family member, preferable one who is addicted to their iPad. I believe it may just be the antidote.

“Six thousand years ago. Evil stalks the land. Only twelve-year-old Torak and his wolf-cub companion can defeat it. Their journey together takes them through deep forests, across giant glaciers, and into dangers they never imagined.

In this page-turning, original, and spectacularly told adventure story, Torak and Wolf are joined by an incredible cast of characters as they battle to save their world, in this first book in the Chronicles of Ancient Darkness.” - Goodreads description.

If you didn’t read these books when you were 16, I dont even want to know what you were doing instead. If you also didn’t own a copy of Wreck This Journal, then I’m afraid we cannot be friends.

Let me just leave you with the famous line from The Fault in Our Stars -

“It’s a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the power to do its killing.”

-Says the boy who poses with cigarettes, rather than ever lighting them, to his friend who has lung cancer.

I’m including these here so I always have a way to remember them, because they are just too iconic to forget. The way my jaw plopped onto the floor when I found these hidden at the back of my nans shelf. They deserve to be framed, honestly (stern words were had)!

Dare I say I had a favourite author at the age of 7? Martina Selway, you have my heart sis. (p.s I just looked online and Don’t Forget to Write is selling used on Amazon for £31.00 - maybe these are rare collectables already????)

Books that look like they’ve been through a shredder

I don’t know who hurt these books, but this might as well be the first edition of the Bible, it’s so beat up. Let me just preface this by saying that my nan is not a Bible basher, contrary to what the circumstances may present!!!

A Discovery of Witches? More like A Discovery of Stitches…(never allow me on the internet again). Anyway, this might just be the next book that I pick from nans shelf because I keep hearing such glowing reviews.

Finally, the book I picked to read on the train home < 3

Yes, my nan has the whole Shadowhunters series on her bookshelf. She’s not a normal nan, she’s a cool nan…have you not learnt that by now?

So, the idea I had on the train as I pulled up to London Bridge was picking a book from nan’s shelf for the way home. Prior to this, I had been in a book slump, lacking inspiration and desperate for something new. Whilst rummaging through her shelf this book called to me, and on a whim, I decided to pick it as my next read. And guess what? I am SO thrilled that it did, because City of Bones was exactly the form of angsty-teen-fantasy-escapism I didn’t know I needed!

Due to this endeavour, I have entered a new era, picking books that speak to me in the moment, rather than hopping on what’s trending at the minute. Thanks to nan, I feel invigorated in my reading journal, and will definitely pop back home anytime I’m slumping. Obviously, there’s plenty to choose from…

So there we have it, a collection of books from my nan’s wonderful cabinet, for your perusal. If you would like a part two of this, please do let me know. If it’s not already evident, I enjoyed this so much that I had to write about it.

So far in 2025 I have stumbled across a few fantastic reads, and some great audio listens too. Here are the best books I’ve consumed this year, so far:

Books:

1. Servant of Earth - Sarah Hawley
   Genre - Adult Fantasy

   

   This was a spontaneous find—a book I’d never seen before but felt drawn to. Yes, it might’ve been solely down to the cover, but can you blame me? It’s show-stopping!
   If you’re a fan of elemental magic then you will DEFINITELY enjoy this one. We have an underground fae realm which is split into houses, six deadly trials, an enchanted blade -my favourite addition to fantasy books- and even a seductive romance sprinkled in. You know that feeling you get when you know you’re reading a new favourite book, that’s how I felt whilst reading this. I hope I have convinced you!

1. Binding 13 - Chloe Walsh

   Genre - Mature Romance

   

   This book has been raved about non-stop for the past few years. For some reason, I just assumed that it was some type of dystopian sci-fi based on the cover and was never interested, but after seeing so many five star reviews, I decided to give it a go.
   We follow young Shannon Lynch who is forced to move to a new school due to incessant bullying. There, she meets rising rugby star, Johnny Kavanagh, and they form an unlikely companionship. If I had to describe the vibe of this book, it would be Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging but for a grown up audience. The themes in this book are much MUCH darker, but it’s still in a high school setting, and overall made me giddy in the same way that Angus did. I would highly recommend this book if you’re looking for a heartfelt story that you won’t be able to put down. P.s. the full series is on Kindle Unlimited!

2. Out on a Limb - Hannah Bonam-Young

   Genre - Romance

   

   Like Binding 13, prior to reading this book I had seen it EVERYWHERE. So, when I received it in a mystery book package, I was…slightly underwhelmed? It had never really intrigued me, and I probably wouldn’t have picked it up on my own. Well, that just goes to show how life can take such funny turns because this is now one of my favourite romances ever, and it worries me that could’ve easily bypassed it! I didn’t go into this with any knowledge of the story, other than a ‘nerdy’ male main character who plays D&D and loves record players. I suggest that you also go into this without reading the description, so I won’t give anything away just in case.
   Just know that this is an incredibly honest and endearing story, that will leave you wanting to read more by Bonam-Young immediately.

3. The Bridge Kingdom - Danielle L. Jensen

   Genre - Romantasy

   

The Bridge Kingdom was such a surprising joy for me. I picked this up after falling into a fantasy book slump, and it definitely did the job of pulling me out of it. Yes, this has lots of the tropes we know and love -enemies to lovers, forced proximity, a misunderstood royal- but I thought the setting for this allowed it to feel extremely refreshing. Think, Pirates of the Caribbean x ACOTAR (I know you’re intrigued now).

Audiobooks:

1. Shady Hollow - Juneau Black

   Genre - Cozy Mystery

   

   I randomly bought Shady hollow after reading a Goodreads review that said its “Agatha Christie meets Wind in the Willows.” It’s safe to say that I was immediately sold, and thank the Book Gods for that!
   This is a cozy mystery series where all of the characters are woodland creatures. We have a moose called Joe who runs the local cafe, a raven librarian, and a journalist called Vera who is the foxy main character. I actually read the first book physically but continued it on audio at the start of the year. The narrator does the best voices for each animal, and really, these are just great to listen to if you’re doing laundry, going for a walk, or painting—low stakes books to enjoy during peaceful activities…

2. Quicksilver - Callie Hart
   Genre - Romantasy

   

By this point, I think we’ve all seen a copy of Quicksilver somewhere. Whether that’s in the bookstore, on the front of Audible recommendations, or simply a review on bookstagram, this cover seems to be here to stay. For some reason, I avoided this book for the longest time, worrying that it would be a carbon copy of other romantasy books on the market that are also hyped. Actually though, I would say that this might be one of the best book listening experiences I’ve had. Yes, I don’t think that the story was groundbreaking, but it was just a fantastic narration by Stella Bloom and Anthony Palmini. It was immersive, sexy, exciting, and had me giggling at the banter! It’s definitely worth a go if you enjoy fae, broody main characters, and fierce FMC’s—the audiobook certainly has character.

Current read:

The Atlas Six - Olivie Blake
Genre - Dark Academia / Fantasy

The Atlas Six has been on my book cart for two years…TWO YEARS! Today, I decided I couldn’t allow it to sit unread for any longer and reached about twenty pages before continuing to write this article (how meta). So far, it’s great. There’s lots of talk of archives, knowledge, academic rivals, and research, which, as a genealogist myself, are themes that are right up my street. I already have a feeling that I’m going to love this, so don’t be surprised if you hear me talking about it again once I’ve finished. Perhaps it will be on the updated version of this list, who knows?!

—

If you have reached this far, thank you for reading my list of recommendations! If you have any favourites of your own, please don’t be shy and send them my way. 🧚🏼

Links:

Bookstagram ☆

GoodReads ☆

YouTube ☆

After a much-needed catch-up, I’ve discovered a few new gems, as well as refreshed my poor memory on the genre. This list is a mix of the most intriguing fantasy books I hope to read this year—some yet to be released, and some that have been on my radar for a while! For ease, I’ve separated the books into categories and have provided a one-line synopsis for each.

Hope you enjoy! 🧚🏼

New Releases:

1. Wild Reverence by Rebecca Ross
   Release date: Expected 2 Sep 25
   Genre: Lyrical Romantasy

   A love story between a young goddess and the strange mortal who stalks her dreams.

   If you liked the Divine Rivals duology, I have some very important news for you—this book is set in the same world! In this one, it looks like we have a world full of warring Gods, and letters that travel through realms—what more could we want?!

   

2. Rose in Chains by Julie Soto
   Release Date: Expected 3 Jul 25
   Genre: Adult Romantasy

   A princess who is auctioned off to the highest bidder, and the fight to survive against her intriguing captor.

   You might recognise this author’s name, for Soto has become popular in the book world for viral romances like Not Another Love Song and Forget Me Not. This, however, is her first fantasy novel! After doing some research, it turns out that this might be a Dramione fan-fic adaptation! (Harry Potter lovers, keep your eyes peeled)

   

3. Alchemy of Secrets by Stephanie Garber
   Release date: Expected 30 Sep 25
   Genre: Folklore/Historical Fiction

   A graduate student determined to solve infamous old Hollywood deaths, and the devilish magical world she finds instead.

   Stephanie Garber is best known for her whimsical YA fairytales, which is why I was surprised to see this book listed as the start of an adult folklore series. It looks like Alchemy of Secrets follows a graduate student who gets mixed up with some dangerous men, so it will be interesting to see Garber step into a darker, historical fiction style-narrative.

   

4. A Witch's Guide to Magical Innkeeping by Sangu Mandanna
   Release Date: Expected 15 Jul 25
   Genre: Cozy Magical Romance

A powerful witch who loses her magic, and the broody historian who has no interest in helping her get it back.

I’m sure you probably recognise Mandanna’s popular novel, The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches, which is a heartwarming love story about a lonely witch who finds a new family. This new release seems to have the same vibe, but the setting sounds even more intriguing—an enchanted inn run by the main character’s aunt, which is home to a talking fox!

Series I want to start:

1. Heartless Hunter by Kristen Ciccarelli
   Series Name: The Crimson Moth
   Genre: Romantasy

   “The thrilling start to a romantic fantasy duology where the only thing more treacherous than being a witch is falling in love.”

   Heartless Hunter has been on my radar since it was published at the start of last year. Kendare Blake describes this as, "A steamy game of cat and mouse between witch and witch-hunter,” so it sounds like a sure win for any spice lovers! I am very much a sucker for enemies-to-lovers, so can’t wait to indulge in this one.

   

2. An Ember in the Ashes by Sabaa Tahir
   Series Name: An Ember in the Ashes
   Genre: YA Dystopian Romantasy

   A slave turned spy who finds an unlikely ally in the empire’s finest ranking soldier.

   This series has been constantly showing up on my feed lately, I think in part due to the newly released covers. An Ember in the Ashes promises a high-stakes romance and a fierce female lead determined to do whatever it takes save her brother—get me involved! (p.s, I just discovered that it is actually inspired by Ancient Rome, how cool is that?!)

   

3. Servant of Earth by Sarah Hawley
   Series Name: The Shards of Magic
   Genre: Adult Romantasy

   “In the underground Fae realm, only the strongest and most ruthless have power—but a young human woman forced into a life of servitude is about to change everything.”

   This book is my most recent purchase, and I wont deny that I picked it up purely based on the stunning cover! Servant of Earth includes an underground fae world, six deadly trials, and unforgettable spice that is said to leave you gasping—can you blame me for putting this on my list?

   

4. Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb
   Series Name: The Farseer Trilogy
   Genre: Epic Fantasy

A Royal bastard with a secret magical link to animals trains to become a lethal assassin.

I have seen SoOo many people review this series over the past year, and really, I just need to know what the fuss is about. When the front cover holds a quote from Mr. George R. R. Martin, I think it’s wise to assume that this one is worth the read!

Books in series I want to continue:
(Spoiler Free)

1. The Traitor Queen by Danielle L. Jensen
   Genre: Romantasy
   Series: Book two in The Bridge Kingdom

Series Overview: “A warrior princess trained in isolation, Lara is driven by two certainties. The first is that King Aren of the Bridge Kingdom is her enemy. And the second is that she’ll be the one to bring him to his knees.”

I am currently reading the first book in this series, and can feel a five star rating brewing. The atmosphere and tension in Jensen’s writing are just phenomenal, and I can totally see myself binging all the books in one go. If you’re looking for a spicy fantasy that will leave you feeling VERY giddy, don’t sleep on The Bridge Kingdom!

2. Brigands & Breadknives by Travis Baldree
   Release date: Expected 11 Nov 25
   Genre: Slow Fantasy
   Series: Book two in Legends & Lattes

   In this series you will meet a retired Orc warrior who opens coffee shop, and a grumpy rattkin whose bookshop needs a restoration.

   This is the kind of cozy, low-stakes fantasy series that is desperate to be read by a fireplace! Baldree knows exactly how to curate a slow yet exciting story with the most wholesome characters, so he’s definitely on my auto-buy list. I recommend listening to his books on audible, as they are narrated by Baldree himself—he does such a great job!

   

3. Emily Wilde's Compendium of Lost Tales by Heather Fawcett
   Release date: Expected 11 Feb 25
   Genre: Folkstyle
   Series: Book three in Emily Wilde

   In this series we follow a professor who specialises in Faerie studies, and the charming, yet aloof, companion who follows along on her journeys.

   I am absolutely buzzing to see my favourite characters again in the Emily Wilde series. It’s the perfect blend of old school academia and folklore— spooky and bleak at times, yet also snug and romantic. I wont lie, parts of the story felt somewhat like fever dream, but I am very intrigued to see everything wrapped up in the final book.

   

4. Fearless by Lauren Roberts
   Release date: Expected 8 Apr 25
   Genre: Romantasy
   Series: Book three in The Powerless Trilogy

   “She is the very thing he’s spent his whole life hunting.
   He is the very thing she’s spent her whole life pretending to be.”

   I have such mixed emotions about this series because (imo) book one heavily ripped off The Hunger Games. HOWEVER, I read the first few books with my book club, so can’t help but feel invested in the final installment!
   The Powerless Trilogy is definitely the kind of series that’s great to recommend to people who don’t usually read fantasy, if you want to get them into the genre. It is easy, full of the tropes we know and love, and has a juicy love triangle!

Books on my physical TBR:

1. The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern
   Genre: Fantasy

   “A timeless love story set in a secret underground world—a place of pirates, painters, lovers, liars, and ships that sail upon a starless sea.”

   The Starless Sea has been sitting on my physical TBR for two years now, and I’m determined to get to it this year. It’s by the same author as The Night Circus, but unfortunately I haven’t yet picked that up yet either. It seems that Morgenstern’s writing has a magical realism feel and an air of whimsy, which is always welcome in my books (pardon the pun).

   

2. Masters of Death by Olivie Blake
   Genre: Paranormal Fantasy

   “Viola Marek is a struggling real estate agent, and a vampire. But her biggest problem currently is that the house she needs to sell is haunted.”

   If you’re in the book world, you’ve probably heard of Olivie Blake for works like The Atlas Six and One For My Enemy. I am yet to read anything by Blake, but picked up the purple sprayed edge edition of this one because the cover was so beautiful. I love the premise of this one because death supposedly becomes a full character. It’s apparently chock-full of dark humour, and philosophical probings that make you question morality!

   

3. Immortal Dark by Tigest Girma
   Genre: Dark Academia Fantasy

   “A lost heiress must infiltrate an arcane society and live with the vampire she suspects killed her family and kidnapped her sister.”

   A friend gave me this book for my birthday and the premise couldn’t sound more me! We have vampires in a school setting, enemies-to-lovers, and a heroine hell bent on revenge—sounds like a whacking good time!

4. The House in the Cerulean Sea by T.J. Klune
   Genre: Fantasy/Fiction

“When Linus Baker is unexpectedly summoned, he's given a curious and highly classified assignment: travel to Marsyas Island Orphanage, where six dangerous children reside: a gnome, a sprite, a wyvern, an unidentifiable green blob, a were-Pomeranian, and the Antichrist.”

This book stood out to me whilst I was browsing a second hand bookstore, but has unfortunately been sitting on my shelf ever since. I’ve heard that this includes a charming found family that is set to pull at your heartstrings. Plus, according to Gail Carriger, it’s “1984 meets The Umbrella Academy with a pinch of Douglas Adams thrown in"—right up my alley!

There we have it!

Isn’t this year is looking better already? Curiosity did not kill the cat in this instance, because now we have a fully researched list of fantasy options for the year—romantasy, paranormal, folkstyle, and epic—something for any mood!

If you’re interested in hearing my thoughts, I aim to post a reading wrap-up at the end of each month which will include reviews of every book that I read. Make sure to subscribe to be notified!

If you have any fantasy book recommendations, I would love to hear them.🧚🏼

There was no energy to me. There hadn’t been for a while. It was the sort of depression that slowly crept up, and clung to my limbs like tree sap. Unwilling to wash away no matter how many showers I put it through. Leaving me in an idle state - being and nothingness, all at once.

I sometimes joked that I felt like an alien, trapped inside of my own body. It was never that funny, and the words sounded awkward as they fell out. Frantic, even. An attempt to relate to a world I was envious of.

A world that I was no longer in.

You can imagine what I have might've looked like on that train carriage. Perhaps withdrawn, perhaps unkempt, and perhaps frightened of my reflection in the window. The look of detachment was probably noticeable to passers by. Or would have been, if there had been any.

I recall a strange feeling creeping over me, as I sat on that mucky blue train seat. Despite it being around seven o’clock, the compartment was completely empty. There wasn’t a single person standing by the door waiting to depart, and no sound other than train tracks could be heard. (I know this because in my haze, I opted to journey without headphones)

I distinctly remember, in that moment, feeling more alone than I had ever noticed. It was a realisation that came gently and uncomfortably, like the lick of a cat’s tongue.

I wondered if I would ever feel better again, but was too desensitised to fully process that thought. All I could manage was a teardrop, alongside a groan.

And then something strange happened. Something that, I believe, changed the course of my life. Something too magnetic to be a coincidence. Something unthinkable, that shook me out of my self-obsessed turmoil.

This leaflet flew beneath my shoes.

I wasn’t lying when I said that the train was empty. Which is why I startled when something whipped below me. That sound, I will remember forever. It was like the shuffling of a stack of playing cards. A swoop almost. And it wanted to be heard.

For a moment I ignored it, afraid. It was as if someone had quickly shoved a note under my feet, and then vanished into thin air. Like sliding an anonymous letter underneath a door - sinister yet charming.

I peered down to inspect the floor, only to read the bold words above: “When You Feel You Cannot Go On.”

Words that perfectly described my unfeeling.

Words that were crafted just for me.

I struggled to remain still for the first time in months.

Moments like that, are few and far between. Moments that strike you so totally, that there has to be some deeper explanation. Like when you randomly think of a word, then someone on the TV says it at exactly the same time. Or when a podcast starts talking about ladybirds, and then one immediately lands on you. Little coincidences that halt you for a second. Wondering why time aligned that way.

Seeing that leaflet was one of those instances, but eerily vivid. Just when I had finally accepted that all hope was lost, something flew beneath my feet stating, “Have you ever felt like you can no longer go on?” Words meant for a person struggling.

I’m not technically religious, but I have always believed in something. Yes, the wind could have blown the thing towards me at just the right time, but even so, my intuition tells me that this was a message. Someone or something looking out for me. Divine Guidance, if you will.

It would have been easy for me to ignore the leaflet, thinking myself unworthy of whatever the universe was trying to tell me, but I didn’t. Even in my lunacy, I didn’t. I accepted it as a sign that there was more to the world than myself. And whatever that more was, wanted me to know.

And you know what? Looking back, the answer I was searching for couldn’t have been found within. Faith needed to arrive through something outside of myself, and perhaps the leaflet’s purpose was just that.

Recently, I again experienced some sort of Divine Intervention in the form of a book, which kept showing up in my life. Strangely enough, one of the quotes from the book states:

“Maybe when you scream in silence the help arrives silently too. Maybe the universe was listening. Maybe the signal was picked up. I dont know. But something very certainly happened. And the timing was impeccable.”

The Life Impossible - Matt Haig

I read that line today and my mouth popped open—it was uncanny.

Divine Intervention could be a guardian slipping something into your view, or Angels walking amongst us, pulling us this way and that. It could be a song that keeps popping up, or an unusual interaction that resonated for some strange reason. Don’t ignore the signs, you are more special than you know.

Have you ever experienced something that led you on a new path?

But in the words of Fredrik Backman,“We need to be allowed to convince ourselves that we're more than the mistakes we made yesterday.” It’s so easy to punish ourselves when we fail, feeling like it’s game over and that we’ll never recover. But that isn’t true. A rocky start doesn’t have to determine the finish. We can make small, progressive decisions that shape a new tomorrow. We can rest in the knowledge that all is not lost.

So, lately I’ve discovered a few little tricks that have helped me build a new frame of mind, and I’ve put together a list just for you. I know we’re all tired of hearing the same advice about getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and exercising, so I thought I’d share an unconventional line-up of ten actions you can take, that might boost your morale.

In no particular order:

1. Treat yourself to some nice home decor

   I can hear it now, “Ugh, she needs material items to feel good…” and actually yes, sometimes that is true. Recently, I saw a pretty red vase and didn’t allow myself to buy it because, “we’re moving back to the uk in 6 months, so it’s just another item to ship home.” The idea for this post actually came from this little moment, because I realised that this has been my attitude for a while now. I’ve been continuously restricting my small pleasures, which are so vital for our mental health. As such, our apartment is pretty bare and clinical, and I have a suspicion that this has been a factor in my gloomy state of mind.

   January already carries a sombre mood. After the magic of christmas fades and we pack away our sparkly decorations, it’s hard not to feel a sense of longing for what was. The sudden shift to a bare home can amplify that feeling, especially when we remove the twinkly lights (I mean, who doesn't love twinkly lights?). So, when I “sensibly” decided against buying that beautiful vase, I didn’t realise how much I would have benefitted from its simple presence in my home. In fact, there’s research to back this up. According to Tuan, the concept of "place" is closely tied to personal identity. When we curate our living spaces, we create a sense of belonging and attachment, which can enhance our self-esteem and emotional well-being. Thus, when we don’t update our space to reflect our personality, it is easy to feel a loss of identity.
   
   This brought me to an important realisation: there’s a fine line between being sensible and being detrimental. Constantly saying no to sprucing up your home can have a knock on effect to your overall mood. An act of self care can be as simple as buying yourself something that makes the space around you feel brighter and more you. So, why not make it a tradition to buy yourself a small piece of decor when you find yourself in a lull? You never know, the sight of a new door mat might unexpectedly cheer you up each time you leave the house. It's not about overspending or turning your home into a fancy showroom, but about creating a space that feels loved.

   Consider this your sign to head to the thrift store or your favourite local market. Find something that gives you a pep in your step—a painting, a pretty plate, or even a $10 set of second-hand mixing bowls! And the next time you tell yourself you don’t “need” something, ask yourself, is that really true? Perhaps your heart simply wants it, and that’s enough justification.

   
   (p.s I went back and brought the vase!)

2. Sign up for a solo class or volunteer program

   The main part about this is the solo aspect. Before moving to Canada, I would never have signed up to do something alone. But being in a city with no friends meant that I had no other option. At the start of my journey here, I fell into a dark spell of isolation, since I work fully remotely. After a while, I realised that part of the reason I felt so awful was because I was lonely, and lacking new connections.
   
   As such, I had to force myself to get involved in various solo activities like yoga, kayaking and pottery classes, book-club meetings, and volunteer days at my local museum. And believe me, I can’t even begin to describe how nervous I was to try all of these things. Most times, I wanted to turn back before I arrived, but I promise you, the apprehension only ever lasted for a maximum of ten minutes! Better yet, I usually came home grinning, proud of myself for being so uncharacteristically outgoing.

   For the past few months, I had settled into a groove of comfortability and stopped doing these things. Looking back, it’s clear that this contributed significantly to my mental slump, since when I started regularly participating in solo activities again, I finally started feeling better! So, when I say that this is important for getting out of a funk, I mean it. Our emotional well-being vastly improves when we choose to embark on solo ventures. Evidence shows that there is actually a part of our brain (aMCC) which grows when we make a scary decision like attending a new class, or ‘basically anything where you catch yourself thinking, “Ugh I don’t feel like doing it” but you know it’s something you should do.’ Whenever we decide to that leap, it builds our confidence and makes it easier for us the next time.
   
   As much as it might feel daunting in the moment, stepping out of your comfort zone can be so rejuvenating. When I lost my sense of purpose, all I needed was to get involved in something nerve wracking again, purely to realise that I was capable of doing it. Now, even when I move back to England and have people around me, I will still make an effort to do solo activities because of how crucial it is for my sanity. And the plus? It doesn’t even have to cost money! You can find library book clubs, wildlife volunteer groups, and so many other free events in your local area if you just search online.

3. Try out new tea flavours

   I know this might sound like a strange way to climb out of a slump, but hear me out. There’s just something about trying new things—no matter how small—that has a way of lifting your mood. For example, my aunt sent me a tea selection box a while back, and I turned it into a silly game where I’d randomly pick a new brew each day. Would it be dramatic to say this endeavour gave me a new lease on life? Maybe, but it definitely sparked some joy.
   

   Anyway, as of recent times, I’ve again found trialling new tea flavours to be helpful, but in a different way. At the start of the new year, my health anxiety skyrocketed. I became hyper-focused on nutrition, and everyday I’d make endless lists of foods and vitamins I thought I needed to be consuming. Instead of helping, it became this all-consuming fixation that left me paralyzed, unable to take any positive action.
   

   Then, I stumbled across an Instagram post which praised the benefits of turmeric tea, and suddenly, a wave of relaxation washed over me. I started researching herbal blends and learnt that I could do something positive with little effort—I could focus on getting vital nutrients via tea, whilst also having the fun mystery of experimenting new tastes. Now, I start my mornings with a ginger, lemon, or turmeric tea, and end my evenings with chamomile, chai, or soursop (decaf, of course). I also make an effort to try unique options when I’m at a cafe or restaurant, and make a tally of all of my favourites.
   

   Sometimes, turning something stressful into a playful game can make it feel less daunting. This simple “tea routine” pulled me out of my overwhelmed panic, and I now feel at peace, knowing that these small choices are making a massive difference. And the bonus? Hot beverages have a natural calming effect, so it’s a win-win! But, it doesn’t even have to be tea, you could try this with anything that evokes curiosity. It could be a selection box of mochi, mini bags of sweets, or unique coffee syrups. If food isn’t your thing, try mystery packs of Pokémon cards, Calico Critters, or even puzzles and games you can borrow from the library—set a rule like one per week. Whatever it is, enjoy yourself as you step into something new. That might just be what you need to reset and recharge.

4. Write a review for something you have recently enjoyed (or hated)

   One thing about us humans is that we all have opinions, yet we often have to keep them to ourselves. And if you’re an over thinker like me, you will know how overwhelming it is to have so much swimming around in your head. But what if you were to put some of those thoughts down somewhere? We’re told to journal when we feel crappy, but sometimes that just makes us hyper-fixate on our problems. Instead, I find it far more cathartic to spend an hour passionately scribbling down my unhinged thoughts about something else.

   Personally, I have an Instagram account where I share book reviews. But if books aren’t your thing, don’t worry, I’ve got a different suggestion for you: Google Maps reviews.
   
   Hear me out! Download the Google Maps app, click “Contribute,” and voilà! Here you have an easy platform to review all of the places you visit, food you eat, and experiences you have. Just upload a pic or two, jot down your thoughts, and post. It’s a fun way to document your life and, if you stick with it, you might even become a Local Guide like me (yes, I have no shame). I guarantee that if you look through your camera roll right now, you probably have at least five reviews just waiting to be written. Whether that’s about your latest post office visit, that frustrating time your food order came out wrong, or your trip to the beach, I’m sure you have something interesting or useful to say. And the best part? It’s a small task that makes you feel productive!
   

   Take this as your sign to give it a go. Connect to the things bring you joy, or even the things that get on your nerves (which is even more as therapeutic). If you’re lucky, you might even want to do it again!

5. Plan a zoom quiz night

   I live nine hours away from my family (by plane), and for the first year of being here, I felt incredibly homesick. With the time difference and everyone’s busy schedules, I often went without properly speaking to people for months! That’s when I started setting up family Zoom quiz nights, as a way to ‘kill two birds with one stone’. Rather than having small interactions with one person at a time, an hour long quiz meant that I could meaningfully engage with everyone together—what a revelation!

   Now, I know this might sound like a Covid-esque activity, but honestly, it’s a lifesaver for long-distance relationships. I also know that, “talk to your family,” sounds like obvious advice when you’re feeling down, but adding the quiz element makes it more low-stakes and wholesome. When you’re in a rut, meeting up with people can often feel super overwhelming. A game, however, takes the pressure off by focusing on something lighthearted.
   

   I also find that creating the quiz can be a great way to take your mind off your worries. Coming up with topics and questions shifts your focus outward, and you can even make a PowerPoint for an extra element of creativity. Sometimes I even incorporate family memories, adding old photos and asking things like, “Who can guess what year this was taken?” It might sound silly, but I reckon that this simple activity will brighten your mood. Not only does it give you something to look forward to, but it also helps you reflect on the people you miss. Sometimes that’s just what you need to remind you of what really matters. Plus, who doesn’t love curating a funny selection of quiz questions?

6. Watch day-time tv shows you have forgotten about

   This is a random one, but lately I’ve been watching re-runs of nostalgic UK game shows. I didn’t actively plan to do so, but noticed one on my Youtube recommended page and I couldn’t help but click. Since I now live in Canada, watching shows like Would I Lie to You? and Mock The Week have really helped in moments where I’ve felt disconnected from home. There is just something so calming about the unserious, familiar shows you used to watch in your childhood. Something so relaxing about local telly. Even just making a list of the shows you loved as a child can be a fun way to engage your mind!

   And, let’s be real, you don’t always need to watch shows with intense plots or movies filled with gore. The predictability and humour of shows like The Big Fat Quiz of the Year and Bake off can offer lighthearted entertainment instead. Reconnecting with these random programmes has been vital in getting me out of this recent slump, so I urge you to give it a go—it might stir up some cozy memories of your youth.

7. Allow yourself to consume mindless media

   This idea ties back to the previous one—embracing laid-back content without feeling guilty. It might sound counterproductive, but it’s not! I often feel frustrated when I don’t think I’m using my free time in a ‘productive enough’ way. If I’m not listening to a podcast about astronomy, and instead, I’m watching what some people consider ‘trash,’ I feel a deep sense of panic as though I’m not achieving enough. Really, it’s a paradox—you’re essentially punishing yourself for something that’s meant to be relaxing!
   

   After a while, when you remove all forms of escapism in an attempt to be ‘present,’ it tends to backfire. If heavy topics are all that you consume, you may become more susceptible to fear-mongering, and just plain panic. Actually, I find that my brain works better when I have a balance between intellectual pursuits and laughing over celebrity gossip. It’s important to remember that neither one is good nor bad—everything in moderation!
   
   So, if you find yourself avoiding things that you consider a ‘guilty pleasure,’ maybe just ask yourself why. If you’ve had a bad day, sometimes all you need is to sit on the sofa with a cookie, and watch a low-stakes show like Love Island or TOWIE. Please don’t beat yourself up over it!

8. Buy a disposable camera

   Let’s be honest, it can often feel awkward to pull out a camera or phone in public. Whether you're out with new friends or at a restaurant, sometimes it’s easy to hesitate and miss the moment entirely. That’s where disposable cameras come in! When I moved to Canada, I wanted to make sure that I didn't miss the chance to capture special occasions, so I picked up a disposable and brought it everywhere with me. I can safely say that it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made! Dramatic much?

   Anyway, one of the things I’d been putting off recently was getting the pictures developed. I had no motivation to get out of the house, especially knowing I would have to do it again once the pictures were ready. But actually, when I finally decided to make the effort, I felt a surge of anticipation at the prospect of reliving the moments I’d forgotten I’d captured. In fact, I instantly brought a new disposable, and felt sad to have been neglecting the joyous hobby. And you’ll never guess what? The prospect of new photo opportunities actually led me to arrange some future plans, and I hadn’t even thought about doing that for weeks!

   As I said before, sometimes you just need something to be excited about—something that makes the future seem a bit less daunting—and this was one of those things for me. So, if you’re feeling stuck or unmotivated, purchasing a disposable camera could be a great way to spark enthusiasm or get you moving. For example, you could even set a goal to take one photo at every social event you go to. You might say, “I could do that on a phone”, but the fact you have to wait for the roll to develop adds a layer of fun, and might inspire you to get out more. Plus, it’s always a conversation starter to pull out a disposable camera!

   But if you’re not keen on spending money, here’s a similar alternative which might help you get out of a rut—a “colour walk.” The idea is simple, you go on a walk and choose a colour, then take a mental note of every instance you notice that colour. It helps you stay present and less stressed out because there is a goal to stick to, and also reminds you to see the beauty in everyday life (very important when you feel lost in life). Both options—whether with a disposable camera or just your mind—are creative ways to reconnect with the world, and might just give you a new sense of ambition.

9. Ask AI for help! (Okay, hear me out on this one)
   Sometimes when you’re in the midst of a panic attack, you convince yourself that you will never feel better again. This thought can be extremely panic inducing, which isn’t very helpful when you’re already panicking! Well, this happened to me the other night, at 2am in fact… I was lying in bed, wishing I had someone to talk to, when I finally decided enough is enough! I picked up my phone and started typing out all of the thoughts I was having. Then, in an act of desperation, I asked an AI bot for advice.
   
   Let me just preface this by saying that I have never done this before. I only ever ask AI questions like, ‘do you think robots will take over one day?’ and test it’s sentience. But in this moment, I had a more pressing issue at hand. So, I made a list of all of the worries that were bugging my brain and sent it into the ether. Then I asked, ‘can you please list some breathing exercises that might help me right now?’ Now, I know it might sound weird to do this, but it was honestly so relieving to simply purge my demons without the fear of being judged. I got an immediate response and it felt like I was actually being listened to (strangely enough). I even said, “This is what I’m feeling; are there any recommended techniques I could use right now?” And to my surprise, the advice actually helped me fall asleep. (Turns out AI isn’t all bad, lol!)
   

   Maybe take this one with a pinch of salt, because AI isn’t a substitute for therapy. However, if you need immediate attention or feel overwhelmed, it might be worth a shot. Plus, it takes away the pressure of talking to a human, if that’s something you find uncomfortable!

10. Put on your baggy sweats and go for a walk

    I know this one is somewhat conventional, but I’m focussing on the ‘baggy sweats’ part. Sometimes when you feel dreadful, finding motivation to get out of the house can be a monumental effort. It’s so tempting to avoid the world altogether, but eventually you’ll realise that stepping outside might be exactly what you need. I hate to say it, but hibernation can’t go on forever. Movement really does make the world go round!
    

    One of the reasons I got into a slump at the start of this year, is because I set myself a strict exercise goal, and immediately failed as I found it too overwhelming. For a week straight, I told myself that I needed to do something and didn’t. Then another week went by without me doing anything at all, because I kept putting it off. I just felt this intense pressure to be ten steps ahead, and fell so far behind that I couldn’t see the start line. I didn’t even want to leave the house because I felt so disappointed in myself, which just turned into a negative cycle.
    

    That’s when I realised I needed to strip away the pressure and go back to basics. I threw on my comfiest, baggiest joggers and went for a walk. I didn’t set a time goal, I didn’t plan out a route, I just decided to let my feet take me wherever I wanted to go. Usually, I’d be stressing about looking too scruffy, feeling like I need to get glammed up for a neighbourhood walk. But that day, I let it go, and it turned into one of the most relaxing afternoons I’d had in a while. I focused on my mind rather than my appearance, and realised that it wasn’t so hard after all. This walk felt like a turning point in my rut, and I have felt better ever since. It just proves that baby steps can be the catalyst for great change.

There we have it!

If you are going through a rough patch right now, please just know you are not alone. If I can give one piece of advice, it’s to focus on the small wins and try to take the pressure off yourself. I’ll admit that I feel like a bit of a hypocrite saying this because I’m still working on taking my own advice, but one of the biggest things you can do is stop comparing yourself to others.

In this modern age, it’s so easy it is to be bombarded by everyone else’s achievements. Social media makes it feel like other people are living an easier life, and when you’re stuck in a rut, that kind of comparison can feel like the final straw. But as the saying goes, comparison really is the thief of joy. Most of the time, the images we compare ourselves to aren’t based on reality, so why let them dictate our self worth? The majority of people you know are likely dealing with their own struggles—stressful thoughts that also keep them up at night. Even the people who seem the most “put together” fall into ruts, so just be yourself and try to find a routine that suits your life.

The steps above might not seem like the most productive, but it’s an honest list of some things that have been working for me. Try writing your own list of little things that make you happy, and try to lean into them. Sometimes, trying unconventional methods can help work just as well as the tried-and-true!

All in all, just do the best that you can, and know that that’s enough. Focus on the tiny things that bring you joy, celebrate a smile, and remind yourself that being on a different path to someone else is ok. Your individuality is something to be proud of, never ever something to be ashamed of!

I will end this with another quote by Fredrik Backman (you’re welcome!): “The truth of course, is that if people really were as happy as they look on the Internet, they wouldn’t spend so much damn time on the Internet, because no one who’s having a really good day spends half of it taking pictures of themselves. Anyone can nurture a myth about their life if they have enough manure, so if the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, that’s probably because it’s full of shit.”

Mic drop.

Number One: 🏆
A River Enchanted by Rebecca Ross

This stands as my favourite read of all time (what a sweeping statement that is), so how could I not put it at the top of this list! I actually found this book in January, so it’s safe to say that the year started out very promising.

SYNOPSIS

A River Enchanted is a lyrical fantasy, heavily steeped in Scottish folklore. The narrative follows four compelling individuals who each share a complex pull to the magical island they live on, where they find themselves intertwined by no mere coincidence. Jack and Adaira have been distant for many years, but due to a call of fate, end up finding themselves in each other. Torin and Sidra, on the other hand, have long found themselves bound by convenience, but due to creepy circumstances which threaten to splinter their family unit, become inseparable by choice. This is a tender story about the importance of what (or whom) we call ‘home’ in the face of uncertainty.

REVIEW

I’ll begin by saying that I was extremely apprehensive to start this, coming from reading Ross’ Divine Rivals duology, the year prior. I was reluctant to believe that any other series from this author could compare, and didn’t want to risk tarnishing the pedestal I’d placed her on. Oh, how wrong I was!

A River Enchanted is truly a masterpiece in magical story telling, one that left me feeling inspired and full of awe. I have never been someone who gravitates towards mysteries, however I enjoyed this one because playing detective felt so gentle. The story begins with the unfortunate news of some missing children, and step by step we discover that the enchanted island itself might have a role to play. We gradually uncover lore through folk fables, which allows the reader to slowly and naturally figure out clues at the same time as each character. There are parts of this where you feel so immersed, like you’re genuinely listening to an old wives tale in front of a fire. The writing pulls you in so deeply that you experience every step and heartbeat of the cast. When they’re out of breath, you feel it too. When they’re brimming with wonder, it seeps into you. There’s just something so cozy when a book can evoke such a visceral reaction.

But there’s more!

A River Enchanted is such an interesting story because it heavily focuses on ordinary things having the power to become extraordinary. For instance; music can bring forth elemental spirits, herbs have the ability to heal, protection can be weaved into clothes— the simple things that we usually take for granted are that which can become the most magical in this world. Ross truly knows how to reinvent the mundane parts of the human experience, and I found myself sobbing at parts— joy and wonderment. All in all, the writing felt original, the magic system was fascinating, and the characters and their love stories were well thought out. Ultimately, I just found this unbelievably comforting.

I recently wrote a newsletter about how my book taste has changed, and really, I think this book was the catalyst for that. Rather than the high-stakes fantasy books I had previously been reading, this introduced me to a soft, folklore style narrative. The type that makes you feel like you’re being pulled along a stream by a fairy. Needless to say, I immediately fell in love.

Side note: I adored this so much that I took part in a writing course called Magical Echoes: Worldbuilding that Supports Character Arc, taught by Rebecca Ross herself. If you are considering, or have already begun writing a fantasy book, I would very much recommend checking out this course.

Number Two:
Beartown by Fredrik Backman

You know that feeling you get in the middle of your chest when you think back on a fond memory? That’s the kind of warmth that flutters through me every time I'm reminded of the characters in this book. I probably think about Beartown once per day, and even though the term ‘altered my brain chemistry’ is wildly overused, that would be the best way to describe the effect it has had on me.

Funnily enough, I kept seeing posts about Beartown on bookstagram before I picked it up, but for some reason didn't think it would be for me. It wasn’t even a ‘judging a book by its cover' kind of situation, because I actually liked the artwork. It was more that I had convinced myself that this was about a polar bear, and kept imagining The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman (which gave me nightmares as a kid)???

Oh well, we all make mistakes.

SYNOPSIS

Beartown lives and breathes hockey. It’s the one thing keeping the community alive. The only source of funding goes into the arena, and the only source of happiness comes from the sport. There isn’t one person in this town who isn’t affected by it, and boy do we come to realise how dangerous that is. This book follows several characters who get caught up in a tragedy, and we watch as the aftermath ripples through a community so intimately linked. In the end, you’re not just rooting for one person; you’re left rooting for the whole town.

REVIEW

The best part about this book is Backman’s ability to write humans so well. He has this way of drawing you into a character’s life so intricately, that you can almost predict their actions. In true Backman fashion however, you can never guess what’s about to happen. He gradually raises the stakes, hint by hint, until the tension becomes so unbearable that you can’t help but fly through the book. In Beartown, for example, we are leading up to a pivotal hockey match that has the power to alter the course of history. You become so invested, as if you’re truly part of the community. You want the characters to win so bad because you understand how much there is to lose. Only a remarkable writer can achieve that kind of commitment to a fake world, and I wish to have but an inkling of that talent one day.

I think part of the reason Backman’s storytelling works so nicely is because he is genuine in his writing, and you can feel it. In an interview he states, “I think my breakthrough came when I realised that I wasn't special…When you’re young you want to write something that no-one has ever done before, and you try to be something you’re not. My breakthrough came when I realised that i’m a normal person.” And that is why his stories are so great. Yes, they are fiction, but he is so true to himself that it leads to real, profound insights. He isn’t afraid to draw excruciating parallels to every-day life because that is what he knows. In Beartown for example, he discusses alcoholism, loneliness, people committing shameful acts, panic attacks, the unjust society we live in—so much so, that it feels like a commentary on all of the complex facets of humanity. It’s as if he’s pulled bits and pieces from his own life and cooked them into a tale, to open your eyes to reality.

But his stories aren’t all depressing, because they still maintain an inviting sense of humour whilst tugging at your heart strings. A clear theme in Beartown is hope, and kindness, and community. Weaved into this book are characters who are flawed but still make good decisions, despite the odds turning against them. The characters will remind you of how beautiful this world can be. That there will always be people who are brave enough to initiate a fight for justice. That everything will resolve itself in time, if you have the courage to wait.

So, if you’re looking for a book that makes you cry from relief because someone finally gets it, read this one. If you want a book thats going to make you text your loved ones that you miss them, read this one. If you want to be blown away by the divine power of words, THEN READ THIS ONE! If it’s not already obvious, I think you should pick this up. But check the trigger warnings beforehand if that’s something you need to do!

p.s - this is a trilogy!!!

Number Three:
Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt

At this point, I feel like we’ve all seen this cover. And yes, it’s definitely worth the hype. Since it’s the season for holiday gift-guides, I want to offer this book as a suggestion. Remarkably Bright Creatures would be a great present for anyone in your life, reader or no—especially octopus lovers (my favourite animal)!

SYNOPSIS

Tova Sullivan is a very ‘peculiar’ old woman. After mysteriously losing her only son, she is riddled with the belief that there is something more to the story. Tova has spent years doing what she can to cope, but is finally ready to move away from the small seaside town that she is so tightly tethered to. However, when Tova befriends Cameron Cassmore - a deeply restless young man - and Marcellus the octopus - a cunning, puzzle-solving sea creature - she discovers that it might not be in her best interest to leave just yet.

REVIEW

Remarkably Bright Creatures is an incredible debut novel. There is an immensely cosy feel to this story, perhaps due to the fact it’s based on a woman in her seventies. Tova is the type of woman who ‘just gets on with it,’ and has a solution to everyone’s problems but her own. She is a kind, wise sweetheart who wont accept help for love nor money. In an interview, Van Pelt shares that Tova is based on her grandmother who was, “always in motion.” Truthfully, I think part of Tova’s appeal is that we all know someone like her—that selfless figure in your life that just deserves something good to happen to them for once! What’s so uplifting about this novel is witnessing someone like Tova finally receiving the happy ending they’ve long earned. And the delightful twist? Her unexpected salvation comes from forming a unique friendship with an octopus at her local aquarium!

This isn’t just about a woman who befriends an octopus though. We meet Cameron early on and throughout the book, the reader is trying to figure out how his storyline relates to Tova’s. Cameron was abandoned at a young age, and feels like his life is a series of unfortunate events. I resonated with Cameron’s story, having never had a relationship with my parents either. I know the identity crisis that comes with it, and the deep yearning to know why they left but never feeing ready to figure it out. This book speaks to the human need to know yourself, and how scary but important that is to face.

But back to the main event—Marcellus the octopus! He holds the title for my favourite character of 2024. Van Pelt likens him to, “the grumpy uncle sitting in a recliner who has opinions about everything,” and truly, I couldn’t agree more. Marcellus is so deeply introspective of humans, watching them through his captivity tank, studying their behaviours and finger prints like a detective. You can’t help but smile at his observations, they’re witty and clever - just the kind you would expect from a wise old sea creature.

At its heart, Remarkably Bright Creatures is so much more than just ‘that octopus book’. It is a story about loneliness, unlikely friendships, hope, and perseverance. Of course, the mystery element will keep your heart racing, but it’s more so a comforting, beautifully nostalgic read—like slipping into a warm bed on a misty evening.

Number Four:
The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley

This was one of those rare books that I wanted to re-read immediately after finishing. Not only was the plot absolutely fascinating, but the writing was also immaculate. Before I continue, please do not be thrown off by the fact that this is labelled as Sci-fi, because it doesn’t read like that. Kaliane Bradley herself described this as a, “time travel romance about bureaucracy, empire, and cigarettes,” which sums it up much better!

SYNOPSIS

The British government have discovered time travel. Their daring initiative involves bringing people from the past into the present, to see if they can adapt to the 21st century. Each “ex-pat” is assigned a civil servant as their handler, who helps them ease into modern day Britain. In this tragi-comedy, we follow along as our unusual narrater acclimatises to living with a victorian, and vice versa. However, as their bond deepens, it becomes clear that the time-travel project is far more complicated—and perhaps sinister—than initially pictured.

REVIEW

I’ve always been fascinated by people from history—imagining what they would think of modern society and technology. How might a neanderthal react to a mobile phone? How might language and understanding differ through time? This book gives you a glimpse of what that might look like. Our main character, Commander Graham Gore, has been plucked from 1847, and we watch as he settles into a world in which all of the people he once knew are dead. Though a sad premise, the reader is effortlessly entertained as Gore busies himself riding bicycles, cooking pho, and learning how to use Spotify—all things completely alien to a British man pulled from the 19th century. If you can’t tell already, it is very funny! Despite being of a previous era, Gore is just like the rest of us, with likes and dislikes—some rational, some not. The reader, along with our unnamed narrator, is constantly surprised by his reaction to the modern age, and it makes for an overwhelmingly charming story!

A really cool fact about this book is that Gore is based on a real person. Yes, you read that right!!! The Commander was an artic explorer, part of a doomed 1845 expedition in which 2 ships and 129 men vanished. Bradley immediately fixated on Gore, fascinated by his documented demeanour because it didn’t seem to fit that of the time. She thought that his unusual story was worth telling, and couldn’t help but bring him back to life. And one of the things I love about this book is just that! Bradley refuses to reduce the ex-pats to caricatures of their time. They each subvert expectation and you can’t help but marvel at the thought and intention behind each word and action. In an interview, Bradley explains that she wanted to, “draw attention to the idea of history as a narrative. We narrate and decide what history actually means, when in fact, the individuals that lived in it will defy expectations.” The authors’ portrayal of the ex-pats reflects this perspective, presenting each of them as more complex and unconventional than their home era might suggest.

There is also a more serious, underlying theme to this story. Something to be said about forced immigration, and living as the ‘other’ in society. Both the main characters deal with this in their own individual ways. Our narrator is British-Cambodian and part of a refugee family, so her experience draws parallels to the ex-pats, who have been pulled from history and essentially have no choice but to assimilate, as if they should feel thankful that they have been ‘saved.’ They understand each other in some ways—but of course, remain worlds apart in others. This sparks an eye-opening discussion about identity and ‘otherness’.

Before we move on, it would be wrong for me to not mention the romance, however I don’t want to spoil it, so just know that it made me weak at the knees. Overall, I did not expect this sci-fi novel to be so slow, sultry, and sad, but here we are. What a delightful surprise!

Number Five:
Anxious People by Fredrik Backman

Are we surprised that Backman has two books in my top five? Absolutely not.

Anxious People was chosen on a whim, as a random Libby hold that came through at just the right time. It was the first Backman book that I had been vaguely intrigued by, so I sat back on the sofa and read a few pages to see what the fuss was about. Let’s just say that I didn’t get up from the sofa for the next four hours, and was already crying by chapter 3.

SYNOPSIS

I’d say this book primarily focuses on the complexities of living with trauma, but should be categorised as a dark comedy. Anxious People is about a bank robbery gone wrong, and a group of ‘idiots’ that get mixed up in it. It is a closed-door mystery, where we follow various characters, and slowly discover how their lives bizarrely connect to the hostage situation. But truthfully, this novel shouldn’t be reduced to merely a comedic mystery. Because we realise that the ‘idiots’ in this story aren’t very idiotic at all. They’re just humans trying to get by in their own human ways, and each of them has a story worth telling.

REVIEW

The title Anxious People almost made me hesitate. I wasn’t sure if I was in the right headspace for a book that might hit too close to home, but I’m so thankful I gave it a chance. Similarly, you might think, “Why would I want to read about a hostage situation?” And honestly, I would’ve thought the same had I not gone into this blind. Even Backman himself admitted he was worried that “nobody was going to get it, that it was too weird. That I’ve gone too far.” But this is so much more than a book about a terror incident. This is a story about anxiety in its many forms—old, young, grieving, desperate, alone. About the unknown internal battles that people face, and how close we can get to the edge without falling. The whole point of the hostage situation is to put strangers in a room together and force them to share their deepest darkest thoughts.. Their struggles and reactions to each other are so silly and human—they make you feel seen in ways that are both uncomfortable and soothing.

As Backman explained, he didn’t want to write about the “anxiety of exceptional people, but every-day people instead.” And like Beartown, that’s what works so well here. He is the kind of writer that has the ability to describe things about people that most would never know how to put into words. It’s magnificent, the way that Backman is able to show how one event can leave a lasting impact in ways that are unknown or unobvious. How one event can alter the course of your life, to the point that you lose the very essence of yourself. It’s the stark reality of it all, the existential dread that many people find excruciating, that he writes so perfectly. It’s deep, sincere, and simple - in the most gripping way.

But that isn’t the point of this story! Hope is, really. For our characters, the bank robbery isn’t what breaks them, it’s that which renews their life for the better. This is a book about second chances and being kind to strangers. About redemption and human connection. It reminds you to never give up, because as unpredictable as life can be, there’s beauty to be found in the chaos. I was left completely stunned by the twists and turns, and had to pause and reflect over and over again. Moments like that are my favourite. This was just such a clever book, and I will never stop singing its praise!

The quote below is one of my favourite ever, and has stuck in my brain since the first time I laid eyes on it. If you know what a panic attack feels like, you will understand how powerful those last two lines are.

And that’s a wrap!

If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you scrolled down to the bottom without finishing, thank you for being here also. If you can’t tell, I had an absolutely wonderful reading year, and I hope you can see that from this first annual bookish wrap up!

Let me know if we have any books in common, or if you have any suggestions you think I would like. Any form of bookish discussion is always, always welcome!☆

p.s, I do apologise that this was so long, but I am nothing if not a passionate woman.

But there was also something else. I didn’t think I was capable. The mere thought of a plane was enough to make me curl into myself like a shy dog. My rationale was: if I already struggle at home, how the hell am I going to cope in an alien land? I knew this was a pathetic way to live, so each time his suitcase rolled out of the door, I was left sulking on the sofa.

Unsurprisingly, last month when my boyfriend posed the idea of New York, I initially said no. One of the conditions would be spending a full day by myself whilst he was at a conference, and you can imagine my first reaction—I didn’t think I could do it.

But then something shifted. I decided that I wasn’t going to let my thoughts clutch the upper hand anymore. The trip would be far less expensive because his work was paying for the hotel, and it’s New York in December—I mean, come on?

Hesitantly, I agreed. (I know that sounds like a spoilt brat thing to say, but really, I have very little self confidence)

One of the things that bribed me was thinking of all of the bookstores in NYC. Yes, we’re getting to the point now. I began to imagine myself as Indiana Jones on an expedition, navigating the cold streets of New York in search of the wildest bookstores I could find. The image captivated me, filling me with just enough courage to push past my doubts. Suddenly, I couldn’t wait to get on the plane.

I’m a woman who likes a plan—so that’s what I made. I created a stop-by-stop bookshop crawl, which included all of the places I wished to visit. I dove into research and planned the trip to a T, and this very act calmed my nerves completely! Spending the day alone in New York was a scary idea, but the knowledge that bookstores were there to guide me, gave me some much needed reassurance.

Here are some of the bookstores I went to—and spoiler alert, this has a happy ending:

📍 McNally Jackson

This was by far my favourite bookstore of all. In fact, I liked it so much that I went twice— once alone, and once with my begrudging boyfriend. The first time around, I arrived ten minutes before opening (some might call that overly keen). I felt hesitant at first, assuming that the staff would treat me like a spider caught under a glass, being the first and only person in store. But really, they took no notice. I walked around the place in utter bliss. It was peaceful and tidy, and there was even a staff dog trotting about. This was the first stop on my solo bookshop crawl, and the memory of the exhilarating walk there causes me to beam with pride.

This particular branch is in the centre of Manhattan, right by the famous Rockefeller Christmas Tree. It has two floors: downstairs, you can look through a curated selection of stationery, large displays of bestsellers, and genres like Health, Memoir, or 20th Century History. Upstairs, you’ll find Romance, Fantasy, Sci-fi, and literature from authors all around the globe—American, Nordic, French, Spanish, Irish, English—you name it!

Here, I purchased the tenth-anniversary edition of A Man Called Ove, as well as a sprayed-edge edition of If We Were Villains. I’ll include a picture of my overall haul at the end. Oh, and I picked up a tote bag, of course!

Recommended places nearby: Gurumé (Korean Tapas), Magnolia Bakery (make sure to get the banana pudding), and PIQ— you can find Sonny Angels in there.

📍 Albertine

If it’s not already evident, Albertine is absolutely remarkable and full to the brim with treasures. It is right next to Central Park, so I enjoyed a lovely long stroll on my way there from Times Square.

Albertine is entirely devoted to books written in French and English. Located inside the historic Payne Whitney mansion, it boasts a regal feel as soon as you step through the door. If you head upstairs, you can find the famous celestial blue tapestry on the ceiling. But what strikes you first is the grand white lobby, which feels fit for a palace!

They even hold some first-edition Jacques Derrida texts! Having studied this French philosopher at University, it’s not surprising that I went positively giddy. I was delighted to spend some time staring at the papers through the glass.

Fun facts I learned from the Albertine website:

• The ceiling was inspired by the music room at Villa Stuck in Munich.

• The entrance features a replica of Michelangelo’s Young Archer.

Book lovers, this is a must-visit if you head to New York.

Recommended places nearby: Central Park, Italian restaurant Serafina, and Glace (look out for the famous hot chocolate).

📍 Barnes & Noble

Most ‘bookish’ people have probably heard of Barnes & Noble—the equivalent of Waterstones in the UK, as far as chain bookstores go. I’m not too proud to admit that I was very excited to enter this establishment for the first time (you can see that from picture one in this carousel).

I was immediately wowed by the sheer scale of the place—this branch is actually the biggest bookstore in Manhattan, offering four floors of heaven! I had a whale of a time getting lost between the shelves, and truly mean it when I say I could’ve spent all day in there. It goes without saying that they have sections for pretty much every genre!

I actually went here with my boyfriend once his work stuff was finito. He collects vinyls, so was thrilled to find the If You're Reading This It's Too Late mixtape. Top tip: if your partner isn’t a reader, leave them in the music section while you check out the books (they’re less likely to tell you to hurry up).

The one thing to note is that this store felt somewhat run-down, like the sole of a ballerina’s shoe. I believe some TLC is due, because the upper floors felt a bit dingy and unloved, despite hosting such a magnificent array of literature.

Recommended places nearby: Harry Potter store, Cha Cha Matcha, and Union Square Market (consult Google for the schedule).

📍 Drama Book Shop

This bookstore wasn’t even on my to do list. I stumbled across it, actually, and what a pleasure it was to find! Drama Book Shop focuses on theatrical works, “with over 8,000 plays regularly in stock.” If you’re looking for Shakespeare, or books about Film, Television, Theatre or Directing— this is the place for you!

If it's not already clear from the pictures, this venue holds some show-stopping decor, with an incredible snake-like structure of books looping around the ceiling. There is even a Café and working space, where I ordered a hot chocolate and people watched for a while. If you’re interested, they stock Drama Book Shop merch here, like t-shirts, hats, notepads and mugs. This is one of those places that I would call, a hidden gem.

Recommended places nearby: Kinokuniya Books (I walked here after my hot chocolate), Rough Trade Records, and Bryant Park Holiday Market.

📍 Shakespeare and Co.

I think Shakespeare and Co. let me down the most. If I’m being truthful, it was rather bland and somewhat dusty. The website promises a Café, but this had been shut down by the time I had arrived. I was somewhat put out by this, what with it being so cold outside.

This location is quite a narrow joint, so I was glad to notice steps leading to a floor below. Unfortunately, the downstairs felt more like a warehouse, only offering art supplies and Hunter College campus apparel. That said, I enjoyed seeing the quintessential moving book ladder, and a stand displaying $10 classics on the upper floor. I purchased More Days at the Morisaki Bookshop, and felt very smug that I nabbed the final copy. But since I wasn’t overly impressed, I left quite promptly.

This is in the same area as Albertine and The Corner Bookstore, so is worth a visit if you head to the Upper East Side.

So, there we have it!

Not long ago, the idea of spending a day alone in a city like New York would’ve been laughable. Merely leaving my apartment used to be a challenge, so never in a million years would I have thought that this could be possible. I know I probably sound like a right twat, but I’m being very honest with you here. Nervousness has been the culprit of many of my shameful decisions, and over the past year, I have been working on changing that.

So, this trip to New York was a big leap in terms of progress. I fucking did it! I traversed the streets of an unfamiliar city all on my own, and lived to tell the tale! More to the point, I had such a fun time that I would do it again. I am even considering going to Chicago with my love in a few months, because now I know that if I’m ever overseas and alone, books can guide the way.

If you take anything from this (aside from the fact that NYC has great bookstores), let it be a reminder that you are capable. It’s okay to turn things down if they make you uncomfortable, but just remember that sometimes your thoughts are overly protective. Trust your instincts—you might actually enjoy yourself, God forbid!

If I was to recommend three bookstores in New York City, visit McNally Jackson, Albertine, and Drama Book Shop!

-MY BOOKISH NEW YORK HAUL-

I was infatuated, immediately. Frightened to even try other genres. I was addicted to the escape that magical worlds offered, and barely looked in the direction of anything else.

You see, my mind has always been a fragile thing. I resonate most with the term nervous illness, because anxiety just doesn’t seem to cut it. I often find myself scrolling past things that might bring up bad memories, and do what I can to avoid thinking too deeply.

So back then, when it came to books, I built up a cage. I latched onto the idea that a depressing story might make me spiral. If I chose the wrong one— game over. If it felt too real, things might get bad again.

For genres like Self-help and Literary Fiction, I said forget it. Fantasy reignited my sense of wonder, and I felt safe in new worlds. The books often had satisfying endings that made me feel hopeful, so why venture beyond that comfort zone?

I’ll admit that it stayed like that for a while, but as of recent times, I’ve seen an unexpected shift. Fairytales don’t seem to soothe me quite like they used to, and I’ve been attempting to analyse why.

How did we get here?

Some of my fondest memories are snuggled in bed as a child, listening to my Nan narrate a story as she sent me into my dreams. Back then, I cherished books heavily steeped in magic and wonder, like The Enchanted Wood and The Chronicles of Narnia.

The all time favourite was Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and I vividly remember her reading it to me one evening when I was about five. It was the scene where Ron picks up Harry in the blue flying car that had me jumping up and squealing; “A flying car! Is that even possible, Nan?” My jaw officially hit the floor when she told me there was a film.

But it wasn’t just the concept of potential wizards hiding in the streets that blew my little mind. Reading about a child who also didn’t have parents was comforting, even if I didn’t realise it at the time. In this book series, the boy lives despite all odds. The power of love is enough to defeat the darkest wizard of all time, and that was exactly the kind of wondrous world that I needed to be exposed to.

That memory stands out not only as one of my favourite reading experiences, but as a defining moment of my childhood.

Unfortunately, however, I lost interest in reading as a teen and only rediscovered the art during University. Whilst taking a Philosophy and Literature module, I was tasked to read one novel per week, and was surprised to find myself flying through the set list. If you’re interested, the choices included texts like Bluets, The Plague, Nausea, The Second Sex, and Othello.

I truly enjoyed the variation of feminist literature, dizzying existentialist tales, and classics. I found myself buzzing in anticipation before each seminar- so beyond excited to hear everyone’s thoughts on the reads. But the problem at Uni was just that. The syllabus was strict and we had to form nuanced opinions on each book, then write essays about them. Some were fantastic, but others were dreary and bleak. It was draining sometimes. Most of the books followed, “characters plagued by once-familiar problems and just living their lives as best they can.” They were too stark. Too relatable.

Then things changed.

On top of my other University work, reading for personal pleasure wasn’t in the realm of possibility. I kept thinking to myself, I can’t wait to pick whichever book I want. But if I’m being honest, that didn’t happen for a while after graduating. Let’s just say that finding BookTube was a humble new beginning.

You won’t be surprised to hear that I started with the ‘basics’ like Call Me By Your Name and The Song of Achilles. I also became obsessed with popular author, Haruki Murakami, and consecutively made my way through a number of his novels.

I always find myself thinking back fondly to reading Murakami’s Norwegian Wood on my old commute to work. At that time, London Waterloo rush hour was mentally a no-go. Instead, I opted to take a much earlier, longer train route that meant less changeovers. Every single morning during that summer, I would read for forty minutes straight. I tell this story because there was this girl I would see every morning, who would also always have a book in hand. We would notice each other and it felt like there was an unwritten connection between us. I’ll never forget the day she boarded the carriage, holding the same red book as I - Norwegian Wood.

I wonder where she is now.

Then came Winter.

My sweet nan still insists on making a stocking for me every year, so I decided to scour the internet to find books to put on my Christmas list. I randomly added Dance of Thieves because I liked the cover. It was chosen without much thought, and little did I know the greater effect it would have on my life.

Dance of Thieves is about a pickpocket and a Prince who are kidnapped by bandits. They eventually manage to escape, but there’s one problem- they hate each other’s guts, and are still chained together! The genre is romantic fantasy, and needless to say, I fell in love with the enemies to lovers trope. I instantly felt a sense of home— desperate to read more like it.

But really, it was so much more than that.

I cherished the sense of escape that fantasy offered. Death by sword was much more manageable for me than the downbeat ‘scholarly’ texts I had been reading at Uni. There was something comforting in the way the characters faced the same things as us, despite being in far away worlds. That there was comparable politics. That the characters fall in love, fight and debate ethics, too. It was a portal to becoming someone electric. Rather than reflecting on the complex ills of our past and present, I was able to become a badass heroine, dealing with similar issues but in a metaphorical way. And, with magic!

The child inside of me bubbled to the surface, and I was thrilled to find stories entirely pleasurable again.

So, for the past few years, if you'd asked me what my favourite genre was, I would’ve said fantasy before you’d even finished the sentence.

I hardly deviated from the genre.

Picking books used to feel easy. I would ask myself if I wanted dragons, fairies, vampires or witches, then something would fall into my lap.

But for the later part of this year, that hasn't quite been the case.

I think the great change started when I fell in love with a new author, Fredrik Backman- bestseller of Beartown, Anxious People, and A Man Called Ove. Such books itched my brain in a different kind of way.

Backman’s writing revolves around people that behave idiotically. Towns full of the ‘every-day’ person and ordinary mundane life. He exposes raw truths about the human experience in unsettling ways, and nothing quite goes to plan because people aren’t destined to be anything special. He portrays real life issues, like the effects of alcoholism on children, and the class divide. Some of his characters are abused. Some turn a blind eye to injustice, to remain comfortable.

It felt invigorating to read something more reminiscent of reality again. Where I could find comfort in the common human, not the epic warrior.

I found myself thinking about Boys Don’t Cry by Fíona Scarlett, and remembering how moving the story was. It’s about two brothers who live in Ireland, one of which is terminally ill. It touches on pressing issues that persist in Dublin today, and is consequently a devastating read. It was hard to get through, but in reality, the experience was more comforting in the long run than some fantasy books that I have enjoyed more. I appreciated the pain because it was grounded in so much reality.

So, I haven’t felt like picking up a fantasy book much lately, and notice a profound change happening in my book-taste. Now, when I’m sad, I crave slow, sombre, and hauntingly relatable writing, as opposed to something exciting and fast paced.

This led to the question, if in need of comfort in future, which genre will I turn to?

I guess it’s a silly question because I can pick either—whichever suits me best in the moment. There are so many sub-genres within each, so to narrow it down feels somewhat reductive and pointless. Truthfully though, I have been asking myself this question a lot lately, so I thought it was worth writing about.

So, the answer?

I see myself opting for general fiction more in dark times.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are plenty of fantasy books that are gut wrenching, I have certainly read my fair share. I also know that there are many general fiction books that wouldn't even make an impression on me. That probably ‘stink’ in comparison. But I think that fundamentally, there is something different in the kind of comfort they can provide.

Yes, it’s true that in both, you are put in someone else’s shoes—and there’s an aspect of escape in that. But one grips you to the Earth, and the other allows you to fly to the stars.

I will still read fantasy books by the dozen each year. In fact, one of my all—time favourites is A River Enchanted by Rebecca Ross, which is a folklore style narrative where magic is weaved into the pages. On a cold winters day when I don’t feel great, I see myself picking this one up again. I wouldn’t be surprised if I re-read this many times in my lifetime, because it’s just that good. It is the perfect balance between distance from the real world and satisfying relatability. A River Enchanted was able to heal something in me at the time and I have been actively looking for similar books like it since, but not to find a source of comfort.

…

The very essence of fantasy is imagining things that in real life are unrealistic or impossible, and that kind of escapism is so important for our species. There is something so reassuring about picking up a fantasy book and knowing that you are about to embark on an epic journey with unimaginable twists and turns. But I don’t think I want to read books like that all of the time. I don’t think I’m the kind of person that likes to escape so much anymore.

I want to read books that undress me when I’m sad. That make me feel naked. That are rough, raw and even depressing sometimes. That are open ended and leave me feeling untethered.

Rather than being transported to a make believe world, I want my soul to be licked clean.

In the end, there isn’t a clear answer. Comfort doesn’t have to come from just one place. And that’s simply the beauty of reading—it reflects life in all its complexity. When in need of solace, I’ll continue to ask myself: Do I need to escape, or do I need to relate? And I’m sure that in whichever book I choose, there will be something that deeply resonates.

When in need of solace, do you prefer to escape or relate?

It was dark, and I could see that my sister was under a lot of stress. She was standing beside a car, wearing a grey hoodie that covered her face. I asked her what was wrong, and she seemed reluctant to tell me but eventually opened up.

“I got a tattoo on my face, Jas, and it was done really shit,” she said, flicking something from her nail.

My little sister had gotten her first tattoo, and the realisation almost made me weep on the spot. I gripped onto my cardigan as she turned around to show me the botched job.

It was like venom. Black ink crawling up the left side of her face. Unfinished, and totally unsuitable for a young woman so pretty.

“Oh no Lil, what the hell is that?!”

At this point she started to rub it away with haste, and strangely enough, the ink began to fall away like pencil shavings.

“Why didn't you just do that in the first place?” I asked, crossing my arms. And I’ve forgotten what happened next. I think I was transported to a beach, where a really big wave nearly took me under as I fiercely gripped onto the sea wall. But that’s a tale for another day.

Anyway, I woke up and found this dream exciting because I was able to piece together how I had conjured it up. The night before whilst doing yoga, I noticed a large complex vein on my thigh, just above the knee. Our LED lamp was shining pink, so it illuminated the blood vividly. If I had to describe it, it was like looking at an egg under torch light.

The sight of the vein struck me, because it instantly made me think of my nan (weird, but stick with me). As a child, I was always fascinated by the turquoise lines dotted along on her skin. The blood vessels looked like snowflakes. Sometimes they would be small and purple, sometimes sky-blue and large. Her skin was never without them. I used to wonder why I didn’t have them, and deep down I think I wished we were matching. But I accepted that it was just a sign of old age (sorry nan), and that my time would come.

So yesterday, when I noticed the thing on my leg, I thought to myself, you’re getting on now, aren’t you? And that thought scared me somewhat- enough for me to contemplate it whilst asleep.

There we go then, that solves the vein aspect of the dream, but one thought still remains: why did my mind take me to my childhood home again? Come to think of it, why do I only ever dream of this house when sleep-me thinks of home?

Let’s unravel

Growing up, I lived with my grandmother. She took me in and offered me love when my mum wasn’t fit anymore. I remember once, before I had moved in, I caught my mum drinking again, so I ran all the way to my nan’s house. I was young and all alone, but even then, I knew the way home.

The town felt more like a village back then- easier to navigate and safer. There was a sense of magic about the place. Like the mystical bush by the narrow bridge which, “might just take you to Narnia, if you’re lucky.” And the roads, filled with happy locals and theirs pets coming home from school on scooters and bikes. It felt like that house was untouchable, and all that surrounded it was too.

Any problem could be solved, the house would always allow for that.

My nan used to have to read me to sleep every night. I was a strange child and had two phobias that were somewhat explainable: zombies and The Boy in Striped Pyjamas (I just shivered even writing the name). If you really want to know, zombies were because my uncle forced me to watch Shawn of the Dead when I was young. Being the proxy older brother, it was inevitable that he would cause some sort of trauma (I love him dearly to this day). The other phobia was because my mums ex boyfriend was bald, and it scared me.

All this to say, the things that frightened me as a child were extinguished whilst in that house. My mum and dad couldn’t cause me any heartbreak whilst I lay beside my nan in that little bedroom.

She was a much better parent than they could ever be- I knew that back then.

The zombies climbing up the walls couldn’t get in through the windows - the glass was too strong.

I think that house is still my safe space to this day. But another family lives there now, so a part of me will always feel a bit lost. I keep thinking that if I win the lottery, I’ll ask the new owners for it back. Never mind that they’re probably making their own memories now- that house will always belong to my family.

Sometimes I wake up crying

The other day I slept on the sofa, and when I opened my eyes I thought I was in my old bedroom. White ceilings, a bed facing a large window that took up half of one wall- where else could I be?

It didn’t take me long to realise that I was actually in an apartment on the other side of the world.

My heart broke again.

Sadly, I never got the chance to say goodbye to the house. I was at University when it sold. I was writing my dissertation when the movers came.

I was too busy to bid farewell.

I told myself that I didn’t care. I told myself that the house had “too many bad memories,” and that it was good for us to change. That the neighbourhood was too quiet, and that it took too long to walk to the nearest supermarket. I told myself that we would all be relieved to see the house gone. And now i’m crying, as I write this in a busy café, regretting how stupid that was.

That home was my friend.

As much a part of the family as me.

So why do I always dream about this bloody house?

Because nothing will ever compare.

Yes, the garden was completely bizarre- so long and thin, with the end basically a pile of rubbish. But it was still home.

My grandpa used to have ferrets and a shed down there, but after he died, it became a useless space that nobody wanted to touch. But it was still home.

There was a cherry tree and a plum tree. And yes, you would always step into slush when the rotten ones would fall. But it was still home.

The garage might not have had windows, but it was still one of the most mysterious places in the world. I would pretend I was an archeologist searching for beasts, hiding behind the random tools that took up far too much space. I remember begging my nan to let me tidy it up for her, just so I could look through all of the things my grandpa had collected over the years.

And that front room! We would light the fireplace in December every year and send letters up the chimney for Santa. And on Christmas morning, I would slide onto the carpet to get to my filled-up stocking.

In another world, I’m still able to go into the front room.

In my dreams, I still can

I now understand why people become so patriotic to their hometowns. It’s ride or die for me, at this point. I will protect that little English village with all I’ve got, because it’s the only part left of my childhood that’s still mine.

In a weird way, I wanted nothing to do with it for a while. I moved as far away as possible (Canada), and thought I would never want to come back. I said, ‘good riddance’ and left on my merry way.

But my dreams led be back.

My veins didn't let me forget.

I think that’s what happens when you get older. You want to shed all of the things about you that no longer serve a purpose. You lose sight of what really matters, until one day you wake up sobbing, just wanting the chance to go back to how it was before you ever wanted things to change.

Playing in the snow outside of my childhood home, aged six.

Let’s cut to the chase

Picture this: you’re 21, a student living through a global pandemic. All of the libraries, shops and restaurants are closed. You are limited to one walk per day. University is solely online. You are sitting alone in a cramped apartment, trying to write 20,000 words on the absurdity of existence. Your only friends are Nietzsche, Sartre, Beauvoir and Camus. You hear about this thing called “losing yourself in the void”- and feel it happening to you in real time. You start having an existential crisis. The type that keeps you up at night. You feel like you’re drifting through space, untethered and meaningless. Your inquisitive mind becomes a burden that you can’t escape. Panic creeps in.

The void swallows you up.

How did we get here?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been super inquisitive. (Blah blah blah, I know - what child isn’t?) But truly, one of my first memories is lifting up a rock to inspect the woodlice crawling beneath it. My friends and I were role-playing Harry Potter at the time, but I wandered off into a bush at the back of the school playground instead. I remember staring down at the creepy crawlies in fascination, counting them one by one. I was more interested in the pursuit of bug knowledge than a silly game. (I guess since I was Hermione, the shoe fit)

Another time, I was using a stick to dig up mud beside a tree near my house and accidentally swallowed a comically large piece of bubblegum. I felt my eyes pop out of my head in terror, but luckily I didn’t choke. Rather, I started to imagine it going through my body as an alien object taking over. I vividly remember being terrified that the pink thing was growing legs inside me. I became obsessed with the idea that I would be no more in the morning.

I couldn’t sleep for days.

I was six.

Looking back, it’s clear that I have always been an over-thinker. And who could I turn to that would understand? The first time I stepped into a philosophy class and laid eyes on the wacky teacher, it felt like finding a guru I didn’t know I’d been searching for.

I was immediately hooked, and even raised my hand to answer the ‘impossible’ question he posed at the end of class.

‘See, that’s the beauty, there is no right answer,’ he said with a smile.

I felt an ember wink into existence inside of me.

So is it hard to believe that I chose to specialise in existentialism for my thesis?

*yikes*

Is regret the right word?

No.

Regret probably isn’t the right word. People say you should never regret things, but is regret really the same as wishing things had turned out differently?

Perhaps it would’ve been better if I wasn’t hit so hard with dread, and yes, things might have been easier for me mentally if I’d specialised in something else. But ultimately, I can appreciate what this chaotic experience taught me.

As I look back, I realise I was just afraid.

Rather than looking at the absurdity in awe, I viewed it as endless suffering. Yes, the complexity of existence might be overwhelming, but it is also glorious!

There’s no meaning? Fuck it, I’ll make my own!

Things feel frivolous? There are ways to find the extraordinary in the mundane!

I’ll admit that yes, I haven’t really been able to look at philosophy for the past few years. I still find it too much, and cringe knowing that Sartre would say I’m not living authentically - that I’m living in bad faith in my persistent avoidance. But allowing myself to ignore these thoughts was pivotal in my self discovery. Distance allowed me to see clearly.

I now understand that it’s a privilege to be able to think so much, and wouldn’t change it even if I could. To have the freedom to create meaning fills me with hope, not horror. So truthfully, I don’t regret studying existentialism. Because it allowed me to see life for what it really is- a chance to rise and fall and recover, continuously until the end.

We humans are majestic creatures, aren’t we?

Isn’t it funny that in the hardest times, we somehow manage to find enough strength to claw our way to the finish line?

You’ll be happy to know that I was able to complete my dissertation- and came out with flying colours. Thankfully, I found success in the disorder and can reluctantly say that I’m grateful for my momentary insanity. It might not seem like a big deal, but the fact I have been able to write this without breaking down feels like a massive step.

Since University, I’ve accepted that pondering the void isn’t something that allows me to thrive. New passions have found their way to my heart and I look to the future with warm anticipation. I don’t know where I would be without philosophy and I am fine with that. Not knowing is pretty much the point, right?

…

Hopefully you have found something of use in this babble.

Thank you for reading! ☆

Disclaimer: Don’t let this scare you away from studying philosophy. It is an incredibly beautiful movement that will undoubtedly knock your socks off.

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