like when I sit at my assigned chair at the table without you facing my glair,

that I realize how things between us are not the same way,

not how it used to be like when we were young and I would bring flowers to your doorstep.

when I hurt myself and my brain need to hear your magical healing words,

when I need opinions on wether or not we should live in New Jersey or London away from the past factors.

sometime i lay in bed gripping the pillow softly on my chest because of the past habits I had of gently holding your head,

sometime it is when I see the stars brightened by the moonlight,

other times it is simply when I rush to do things and I hear your soft firm voice telling me to put finesse in my tasks.

what’s intriguing about my mind thinking about you is that my brain rather land on the positive moments that we shared than the nights where you left me lonely diving in nightmares.

I wish I could tell you that I am finally getting my drivers license this time around and i can now navigate alone downtown,

that I have a better diet than the one I used to have in college when I was depressed with a vessel trapped in a ghost town.

I have not heard your voice in months,

a good thing for my fragile heart,

like a light bulb attracting moths,

a sweet spicy cinnamon on my tongue,

you would succeed to invade my thoughts,

that you already partially own.

in the next life if we ever meet,

I hope we can gravitate toward the same perspective,

I hope you will be ready to fight for our destiny,

like I have been in every karmic,

so we can finally fulfill the prophecy,

run away together and live our happy ending.

every time my heart wants to cry,

that swallow my tears or at least try,

in order to not make my feelings rewind in souvenir of past crimes.

i stand in the morning august glare,

with ghosts of twenty-one me still standing there,

i mourn the innocent who thought they knew end,

and wonder where the golden hours went.

a timestamp tells me it was couple of years back,

before the train of my innocence ran off track.

is it how we spend the rest of our lives?

wondering what if we didn't choose the wrong side, what if everything went right or do we carry those tales as lessons for another lifetime?

bury the past memories of our youth,

forget the would’ve, should've, could be you for the cost of a new future covered in wounds?

if i am already this melancholic in my twenties,

by the time i turned 40 there will be nostalgic rivers circulating in my bloodstream,

songs of the past dominating my mainstream playlists.

this is such a rainy long ride but I guess life is not fair, right…

it’s true that when i look back at all the time I hit rock bottom and got back up i am proud of that;

I just wonder how many more trials,

sharp goodbyes,

dreams of New York city archived,

the universe got until I finally walk into the paradise I see in my dreams at night.

it strangely pushes me more toward refusing to give up on my fairy tale and believe that along the line,

I will be grateful for every time I lost my spark instead of trying to figure out how I could have changed then past.

mother told me to keep my eyes on the light,

follow the stars and everything is going to be fine,

so for now,

I am going to keep breathing in and out and drive on this bumpy ride,

because at the end of the day,

who am i to fight the inevitable experiences of life?

after a night out in one of those bar in Paris,

i found myself starring at the full moon,

like at a Da Vinci art in the Louvre.

i stood there,

listening to the whispers of the sphere,

suddenly,

silence.

no additional texts,

just variant of shades,

dispersed in infinite space,

evaporating from the core of my chest.

Then,

all of a sudden,

there is a spark in my eyes,

a rejuvenation in my aura,

a bandage on my deepest scars.

i don’t feel any pain,

no more voices in my head torturing me,

no more feelings of being obsolete.

for the past couple days, I thought I was going to give up and faint.

with no delay, I got lifted up and saved by the saints.

It is a feeling I never saw coming,

during all those days drowning in glimpse,

grey rainy clouds on my mind pouring,

covering the sight of my clarity.

I feel whole again,

buried away the past shame,

ready to meet up my upcoming fame.

you are probably somewhere,

wasting your time with someone else,

not fully aware,

that together,

we will build an unshakeable tower.

i will love you not as one loves a flower,

beautiful as all the seasons,

but as a fish in the sea,

as Adam blindly trusting Eve,

to eat the apple hanging on the tree,

as a protecting divinity,

a devil who refuses to flee.

For what is romance,

if not the courage,

to think that with you my heart is safe,

protected by cleansing sage,

even if I am uncertain and afraid?

I will still trust you,

for a love untouched by longing,

never wonder,

of having seen another soul,

and claiming it to be home.

Please be careful,

I will see you soon!

I got up in a museum with painting on the walls,

The arts are familiar and lined,

The background is going back in time,

Every painting is me with scary scars.

Some show me as a child,

Some show me old, alone in the dark.

Others depict version that never existed:

A king, a firefighter, a magician with powers manifested,

Many characters from the one imagined and those I requested.

A sign hangs above the first wall saying:

“Every person you could have been is stored here.”

As i wander through the hall, The paintings are whispering.

The whispers get louder as i move my feet:

“Why weren’t you me?”

“Why did you choose that life of sin”

Then they start making accusations.

“You killed us every time you made a decision”

“Every choice wounded an incision”

I run through corridor after corridor,

Until i reach the only room that has a door.

There is only one painting.

It is empty.

A plaque beneath it reads:

“The person you actually are.”

I stare into the blank canvas,

Shut the whispers and close my eyes:

My body is back in my bed laid down,

Now that i see the versions defining me,

It is my choice to keep or change my wall of paintings.

when suddenly,

I felt a breeze on my skin,

Blowing away all my fears.

It happened rapidly,

Yet felt like eternity,

I can still feel the shift,

A new essence of healing,

Entering the depth of my spirit,

Circulating in my body.

It is a brand new feeling,

That I never thought I would be witnessing,

After years of being,

Yoked by torment slavery.

I can see the effects on my body,

Strongly,

Shining,

Announcing new beginnings,

Of an angel rising.

Lately,

I have been enjoying being lonely,

But I love when you come to visit me,

At times where the world is sleeping.

When I feel you near,

My eyes start rolling,

My body shivering,

My heart racing,

The air gets erotic,

I can’t stop biting my lip,

So intensely,

It starts to bleed,

Red liquid pouring on my chin,

Leaving stain on my sheets.

I start to imagine you breathing on me,

Your touch on my skin,

Our souls bonding,

Into one powerful being.

If you say pretty please,

Promise not to hurt me,

My energy can be the bliss,

Of your long desired fantasy.

While on walk yesterday evening,

When the wind was moving quietly,

I heard a noise coming from the west side,

The voice of a woman,

Divine and calm,

Smooth like the dawn,

Whispering in the back of my sight,

Telling me to lift my arms,

And fly toward,

The rays above the clouds.

Now that I think about it,

I was never crazy,

Maybe lost in between,

Blessings and sins,

Not dancing to the right beat,

But deep within me,

Her voice was always there seating,

Suffocated by the voices of the scene,

Trying to tell me,

That I have the strength to reach,

For the light over my hills.

Hopeless empathetic,

Stuck in exquisite agony,

Mastermind travelling,

Step foot into the pit of the Abyss.

Time seems hyper real here,

The wind is a rewind hologram,

Only safe for tormented maniacs,

But for a second, it felt like my palace.

I am just a visitor,

Entering to save my anchor,

I once lost in a roster,

Clouded and sinister,

Trapped by demon hunters.

I see my body in the dark,

With my hands I reach for my scalp,

Ferociously get me out,

Suddenly, the atmosphere gets filled with clouds,

Our faces targeted by ruthless cannibals.

We must run to the portal,

Strategically and fast,

To save my life.

Long hands grab my waistline,

I look up and reach for my arc,

Behind us the wolves are running,

I can hear their teeth gnashing,

A loud voice yell “Eat the sheep entirely.”

At the right timing,

We jumped and flee,

Away from the bloody beasts,

Then I woke up with my skin giggling,

Scared, but feeling a sense of victory.

Every time I close my eyes,

During the hours after midnight,

When I travel in the astral,

I can somehow visualize,

A world that glows in the dark,

Somewhere in the after life.

Every time I close my eyes,

I see a sphere filled with stars,

A sacred garden with flowers all around,

Shining all over the realm,

After a long time,

Of being buried in the ground.

Trust me, it’s not a lie!

Maybe you should try.

I promise you will be surprised,

To see how fast,

You can float very far.

When storms unweave,

Darkening my fragile days,

And shadows stretch their long parade,

Resilience whispers in quiet ways:

“You are strong, not afraid,”

Implanting courage in my brain,

Strengthening the rise of my faith.

Hope is the lantern on the hill,

Flickering yet refusing to die,

An energy that hums, soft and still,

A song that climbs beyond my grey sky.

Joy dances in the smallest sparks,

The laugh, the tear, the morning light,

It thrives in wounds of defeated trials,

Turning despair into delight.

I used to believe,

There is no power within me,

Until I smelled a new breeze,

Changing my core beliefs,

Hidden deep in my shield.

So, carry on, through night and flame,

With heart unbound, with a spirit free,

For life is not to be trapped in shame,

Nor fear, when happiness is yours to feel.

Can you hold me tight,

Tell me you will always be right by my side,

Dry my tears every time I cry,

Protect me during the fights,

Hide me from the crowd,

Not let my soul breakdown,

Get me back up when my knees bow,

Run away with me far,

From the demons hunting the town?

I need you to hold me for my sake,

When my reflection in the mirror fade,

When I am drowning in a lake,

Filled with emotional waves,

Slowly making me lose my fate,

Of ever coming back in the race.

In my bubble I feel a bliss,

That comes quietly,

Fiercely,

Making me safe to be lonely,

Far away from doubt and fear.

Here,

I can navigate through my dreams,

Have an unshakeable peace,

Sense my power within,

Feel good in my skin,

Without the need of belonging,

In a world that does not understand me.

We walk in a world,

Where people hurt others with no remorse,

Couple get together for the worse,

Social media make people wish,

Delusion and material things,

Instead of building communities,

To get out of the suffering they live in.

Today while walking,

I started wondering,

Who is going to save the kids?

We all need to come in unity,

To warn about the reality,

Teach about chasing dreams,

Prosperity,

Consistency,

To the ones who will soon lead,

Help them to build,

A world filled with more peace.

While everyone was sleeping,

I saw a white bird from my balcony,

Flying around freely,

With long, majestic wings.

The scene felt unique and angelic,

Reminded me that beauty,

Appears when you decide to find it,

In the small random things.

Some memories that seems to not go,

Walks at night in the streets that seem hollow,

Regrets in my head that feel sorrow.

Sometime I wish I could do things again,

Go back to some decisions and change,

Give my naive youth a chance,

To find wisdom and break the tormenting chains.

One thing I understand,

The past cannot be changed,

The present is where I remain,

Able to choose my future with a different brain.

God is good all the time,

When you feel like he is far,

That he is done bringing you forward,

He comes up with a new surprise.

When you think it’s over for your light,

Your hopes are covered in the dark,

Here comes a new bright path.

I always thought that life,

Would be boring on the other side,

Truth is that my spirit always belonged in the sky,

Which is why I never felt safe outside.

Beyoncé once said “Find your way back”,

In one of my favourite tracks of all time,

I never forgot this advice and applied it to my life.

I now walk with a full mind,

I fixed all the cracks,

I won’t stop to love, spread joy, being kind,

help people on the path,

my spirit no longer seeks the physical or the abstract,

but crave values that will bring me far.

Keep your eyes above the water,

Shower yourself in flowers,

Shake off the noises of the world,

You have the authority and power,

A blood inside your vein to conquer.

The secret is you are stronger,

You master the laws of power,

Your soul can fly higher,

Your worries cannot crush your tower,

When behind you stand an army of soldiers.

You can make it happen,

Long as you do right to others,

Keep a mind of a believer.

I look through the boat window’s shade,

Busy sky with colours that fade,

The ocean’s view goes away,

Whenever I blink my eyes to escape.

I must try to go and navigate,

Bring my body in the waves,

They might drown me in vain,

What would it change anyway.

I have tasted the flavour of pain,

Experienced the curse of shame,

At this point, there is nothing I am scared to face.

This is the State of Grace,

My last chance to prove my faith,

I might slip but I will get up again,

This time, winning is the only way.

Am i supposed to think you forgot,

All the memories we build during the storms

While we went on a trip on the North?

Maybe one day you will realize,

That we had an opportunity of a lifetime,

We could have stand together in the fight,

If only you gave me the chance,

To fix the voices inside your head,

I promise we would have stand,

In the worst times of despair.