A few minutes later, while the study was going on, the Holy Spirit told me to apologise.

I didn't want to
I was ashamed

Then I found the opportunity to run away.
I had to get one of my old journals from my room to check for something we'd once studied.
So, I hurriedly went to my room.

I found my journal much quicker than I'd have liked.
I didn't want to go back to face them.
I wanted to stay in my room and tell them I'd see them the next day and hopefully by then things would have blown over.

I was scared because I'd hurt someone's feelings.
I felt like the apology wouldn't make a difference.
The damage had already been done.
There was no going back.

Then I heard it clearly:

You don't apologise to go back and turn the hands of time; you do so, so that you can move forward.

I sat with that for a while.

I contemplated a lot of things.
One of them was simply apologising privately to the one person I'd hurt but that was wrong.
I'd hurt her in front of the others, it was cowardly to apologise privately.

And after what seemed like hours but was really just 10 minutes, I rejoined the fellowship.
I asked Mirabel, who was the one leading that day, to give me a minute.

Then I apologised.

I said I was sorry for yelling and that I should have seen things from her point of view.
And she accepted my apology.
A few other apologies flew by and we were able to move on.

After the fellowship was over, Amanda and I stayed back with Onyii and we had a nice, lengthy and beautiful conversation.
We got to know each other better.

That day, I learnt something so valuable.

I was so worried that we wouldn't be able to go back to the way things were before the disagreement.
I felt like I'd fractured our relationship and it could not be fixed.
Our relationship wouldn't remain the same.

That last part was true but not in the way I thought.
If I'd never apologised, I'd have gone on to feel guilty for a long time.
Maybe I'd have been able to suppress it after a few days but a part of me would have been shut off from my friend.

And even if she had forgiven me and even forgotten that it had happened, I probably would remember it once in a while and it would be this huge stumbling block in our relationship.

Thank God I apologised.

It's okay to apologise.
It's more than okay.

Disagreements and arguments are allowed to happen in relationships.
It's what you do after them that really matters.

I'm sure there's a moral in this story.
I pray you get it.

I used to be so fundamentally sad and confused and maybe even angry.

But now, I'm not.

I've searched deep down looking for that familiar feeling that was in my chest for more than half of my teenage years but I can't find it.

It's not there.
Someone took it out.
Gradually
Piece by piece
Until all of it was gone.

No. It wasn't a human someone.
Though He used a few human someones to carry out His plan...

Yes. It's the Someone who's coming to your mind now.

I know.
It sounds cliché and you've probably seen and heard it somewhere else.

But it's actually true.

God took all of that deep sadness and sense of rejection and turned it around.
He took my desire for love and human validation and He made me understand that I already have all that I could ever need.

It didn't happen magically.
But it was very intentional and super transformational.

And He's still in that business today.

The testimony of Jesus is the Spirit of prophecy.
That means what He did for another, He can do again.

So, maybe you have that tight feeling in your chest that I once had and you're wondering if it'll ever go away.

There's hope.

All you have to do is hand it over to Him and let Him replace it with His everlasting Joy and Peace that passes all understanding.

I wondered why I couldn't be both.
But for some reason, I started to believe that I had to choose one.
And for a long time, I chose K-dramas.

I'd always had a different taste in music, even before I'd chosen Christ.
I'd disliked songs that didn't have good lyrical content so I didn't like listening to Nigerian songs, especially the popular ones.

And I remember how I would get teased and laughed at when I told people.
So, I stopped telling them and tried listening to some Nigerian artists.

This makes me wonder how many more things I'd fundamentally and genuinely liked but had made myself believe that I didn't like.
I wonder how much of ourselves we have shrunk and chiseled and chipped away at to fit into a mold designed by other people.

How much have you squeezed to fit in?
Do you even know who you really are?

Do you like that outfit or are you wearing it because it's what's trending?
Is that song really your favourite or is it what's reigning?
And what about that artist? Is he really your fave?

Do you know how God sees you?
Do you know how He intends for you to be?

I really think that we should all take some time to really discover who we are outside of the mold and ideas of society.
We need to go back to the Manufacturer and ask Him what His plan is.

What was His thought process when He moulded us?
What was in His mind while He was forming us?

Maybe the reason you don't feel like you’re fitting in where you are right now is because you were never meant to be there in the first place.

Or should I say, you were always meant to stand out?

Who'd have thought it'd be our last?
Of course, before now, I'd had moments when I'd wanted to leave the relationship. Especially during moments where we'd have arguments and uncomfortable conversations- because as much as I hate to admit it, I have the tendency to run away when things get uncomfortable- and, just in general.😅

But this wasn't one of those moments.

The past weekend was good, and our relationship was a good one.
There was some external controversy and drama, but we worked well together.

We involved God in our relationship.
We loved each other, but we both strived to love God even more.
We'd pray and study our Bible together.
We asked God for His will for the relationship and followed it as best as we could.
Now I'm not saying we were perfect.
But we were good.

So you can imagine how gut-wrenching and heartbreaking it was when I got that knowing.
If you walk with and follow the Holy Spirit, you know what I'm talking about.
That leading and nudge you get.
Where you just know that He's asking you to do something, embrace something or let something go.

And so I did. I let him go.

It wasn't easy. We struggled, but we both knew it had to be done.
In the beginning, I really tried to trust His plan even though I didn't understand it.
I went along with it. He said go, and I went.
I obeyed without questioning Him.

But as the days went by, I got so angry and so sad, and I didn't get it.
Why did I have to let go of the man who I finally worked with?
Why did I have to go through this heartbreak again?
We did everything right. At least I think we did.
Why did I have to let go of the good and godly relationship?
Why would He ask me to sacrifice this?

Then one day, just before my seminar presentation, I finally let myself cry.

I asked Him all these questions out loud.
I remember walking to my hostel, the tears blurring my eyes.
Caring, but not really caring about who saw me.
I remember going into my bunk, and just crying and talking to Him.

I don't remember clearly how or when He gave me an answer, but I remember the answer:

I Peter 2:20 NKJV
For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God.

And I began to gradually understand and see things from His point of view.

I needed to be able to hand over even the good things to Him. To not just be okay with being "beaten for my faults" but to be willing to give Him the things I believe are good and trust that He knows what He's doing and He is incapable of mismanaging my life.

God gave me so much comfort through this scripture, and every day since that day, I understand more and more.

And yes, I sometimes get a little sad, and I want to go back…
But then I remember that I am clay in the potter's hand being moulded carefully, deliberately, and I take it patiently.

Trusting and Obeying.

Every time I get a notification that I have a new subscriber, follower or like.
I get this insane urge to go and check how many she has.
And often I have found myself wanting to compare my progress with hers.
I want to weigh our profiles against each other and see who is doing better.
I want to be sure that I'm growing at a steady pace... a pace that is faster than hers.
Like we're in a competition, and I have to get to the finish line before her or at least be a close second.

I don't like admitting this.
I want to conceal this and pretend that the feeling isn't there.

But it is.

And through this I'm learning that comparison is a fool's errand and life isn't a competition.

We're each running our own race, on completely different tracks and though they might be similar, it's not the same.

I'm also learning that it's better to talk about things like this than to pretend that they don't exist.
Because sin thrives in secrecy.

So today, I'm coming clean.
And choosing every day to not look at my progress or even the lack thereof as something to compare against another person's.

I'm choosing to be grateful that we're both still running the race, still fighting the good fight, still keeping the faith.

I see a God who liked me because I was His and loved me despite all my shortcomings.
I see how much I have grown and metamorphosed.
How I have gone from chasing the feeling of love to knowing and seeing myself as the beloved of Christ.
How writing is now no longer just an escape but a ministry.


I have always been The Lord's Scribe.

It is such an honour, privilege and pleasure that I get to wield His pen.
Glory to God!

I Samuel 15:22 NKJV
So Samuel said: “Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, As in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, And to heed than the fat of rams.

The last sentence of this scripture is one that a few of us might have heard quoted before or even read ourselves.

The Lord had given King Saul explicit instructions through the prophet Samuel and King Saul figured he could bypass the instructions and then offer sacrifices unto God to "placate" Him. But he was wrong.

God didn't want the empty sacrifice.
He doesn't want the grandiose performances.
He is especially pleased when you obey.

When He asks you to do something, you do it.
Without hesitation.

Abraham is a beautiful example of a man who trusted God enough to obey Him.
When he was instructed to leave all that he had ever known, he didn't try to figure it out, didn't plot a course for the journey.
He simply packed up all that he owned and moved.

I have come to understand over time in my walk with God that the sacrifice He actually requires of me is my Obedience.
And each time I obeyed, something new and beautiful and exciting and challenging was opened up to me.
I have never once regretted obeying Him.

So to answer the question, it is very important that you trust in God but a true test, complement and proof of your trust in Him, is that you obey.

Just as the hymn says...
Trust and Obey for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to Trust and Obey.


P.S: Examine yourself, go back to your old journals if need be. There is probably something the Lord has instructed you to do and you're still trying to figure out how it is you'll do it.
Stop trying to figure it out and just do it!
Trust Him enough to Obey.

I had known it before now and it stood out to me but recently it stood out even more. The words just wouldn't leave my head.

Truth is, I've been very scared.

I just finished school. I've done sign out, thanksgiving, Chapel handover, the only thing left is Convocation and Induction.

And right now it feels like I'm in limbo. Unsure of what to do, how to do it and where to go to be able to do it.

Then this scripture came.

As I was meditating on it, I was reminded of two other verse; He has not given us the Spirit of fear…(2 Tim 1:7) and Perfect love casts out fear…(1 John 4: 18).

And I started to ask myself if it was that I didn't love Him enough or that I haven’t let myself receive the full extent of His love.

I'm too busy fearfully trying to figure things out by myself.
Too busy worrying about the right next steps to follow.
Too busy comparing myself to friends who seem like they have everything perfectly planned out.
Too busy...drifting.


I wish there was a climax to this article and a point where I say things have turned around.

But there isn't...not yet.

Right now, all I'm doing is choosing to trust in God who is my light, strength and salvation.

And in time, the fears will dissipate.

Subscribe now

I just joined Substack. I've heard of it before. 2 of my friends have been on it for a while.

And since I joined, I've been seeing all sorts of notes and articles.


"Please don't become like Twitter"
"Substack is like Twitter, minus the toxic people"
"Maybe Substack isn't for everyone. Some people just need a diary"
"Don't make Substack a trend"


And for someone who's had a lot of doubts and fears about posting my writing, they've made me second guess myself even more.


Maybe I shouldn't have joined.

Maybe I should go back to leaving the stuff I write in my notes app, and learning to be okay when they disappear after I change my phone all over again, because I simply can't learn how to do a Samsung backup.😂

I should just stick to posting them on my WhatsApp status every once in a while. I have more views there anyways...


Omoo.

But maybe just maybe…
Substack isn't becoming a trend.

Maybe writers who once doubted themselves, thought it'd be okay to try putting themselves out there.

Maybe readers who have been in a rut decided to come on here and alleviate their brain rot.

And so what if it becomes a trend?

Just like any good trend, after the buzz is over, all the "fakers" will be gone and the ones who actually like the thing will stay.
(My friend still says "mad oh" sometimes.😂)

And let the scary Twitter people come, some of them might still be redeemable.


I know you've had your Substack for a long time, and like a beautiful song that you discovered before anyone else knew or loved it, you want to keep her to yourself.


But just because more people like the song now, doesn't make it any less special to you.

If anything, there's more love to go around.

So let go. Don't be the reason someone second- guesses themselves.

And I started to remember all the other times we'd prayed together in this same spot.
Times where we'd held hands and cried our hearts out before God.
Times where we'd jumped and screamed and praised Him.
Times where they'd showed me a few dance steps because I'm a terrible dancer.
I remembered the first online prayer charge the Chapel hosted and how they'd wake me up every night. We'd gather in our hostel compound, praying, making sure no one fell asleep mid prayer.😂

I realized that we'd bonded over prayers.

That our prayer times were not just communion with God but also communion with each other.
It broke my heart to realize it was coming to an end.

Then the tears came. During that regular Friday prayer meeting.

And no it wasn't the pretty kind where a single tear just rolls down your cheeks. It was a full-on-sob, shoulders shaking, nose running, mucus and all.😂

I was sad but I was also joyful that we'd had the great privilege of communion.


I'll always be grateful for my Remilekun and Nosa who even though were growing themselves, held my hands and pulled me up with them.❤️