This is what I called my friend Brennan Carley to ask six-or-so years ago, when Anna had been assigned to profile a client. I’d met Brennan while he was editing a profile of that same client, and while it certainly always made the job easier when the journalist was someone I enjoyed liaising with, becoming friends was never a requirement. Brennan and I simply formed a friendship on our own, in a very organic way that just-so-happened to start in the workplace.

“We LOVE her,” Brennan said, before going on for minutes on end about all the reasons he knew I’d come to love her, too.

Six-or-so years later, now that I’ve been lucky enough to call Anna a friend of my own, I could easily do the same. Anna is not only one of the smartest people I know, she’s also one of the kindest. Her capacity for empathy and compassion, coupled with an ability to maintain her almost unparalleled sense of rationality, is what makes her one of the best at what she does.

After Brennan’s glowing review, I called Anna myself to get to know her a bit better, and what was supposed to be a 15-minute chat lasted over an hour. One of those reasons was our shared love for reality TV. Anna’s Bravo opinions alone were enough for me to know I could trust her judgment almost immediately. Prior to that call, I’d just caught up on the most recent season of Love Island UK, so publishing her Love Island-themed Guest Loving Lately List now feels like a particularly cosmic full-circle moment, because Anna’s book, Enter the Villa: The (Unauthorized) Reality Behind Love Island, was published earlier this year!

So! Anna and I thought that it would be fun and appropriate if her Guest List was Love Island-themed, in honor of the Love Island USA Reunion airing tonight. While she quite literally wrote the book on Love Island, I’ve included her official bio below for those of you who find yourselves beholden to society’s markers for credibility (you’re always welcome here, but if methinks you might be on the wrong Substack if this is the case, luv):

Anna Peele is a contributing editor at Vanity Fair, where she has written cover stories on Charli xcx and Harry and Meghan. Her work has also been featured in New York Magazine and The New York Times Magazine. In 2016, Anna was given the ASME Next Award at the National Magazine Awards. Enter the Villa: The (Unauthorized) Reality Behind Love Island, was published by Atria in May.

And if you’ve been here with me on this journey from the beginning, then you know I don’t subscribe to the traditional bio format, so I’ve asked her to include her answer to my icebreaker question below :)

If you could own any prop from any movie, what would it be & why? If I could have any movie prop, it would be the hand-painted wallpaper in Richie Tenenbaum’s room. Let me be a wistful little boy on an adventure.

Finally, what would an introduction to Anna be without a few words from the very person who introduced us? Luckily, you don’t have to find out! Here are a few last words on Anna, courtesy of the third member of our group chat trio, Brennan:

“Anna is a genius in every sense of the word. If she has a take on something, she’ll share it ten toes down, and she’s always right. I find myself constantly in awe of her talent, her voice, and her growth as a person and a journalist. I was a fan of her work before I got to call myself one of her friends, and I remain a dedicated fan. Whenever Anna writes a piece, you can be confident the finished product will be thoughtful, insightful, and singular. Hers is a POV and a dedication to the craft nearly unparalleled. She’s also deeply funny, incredibly curious (especially when it comes to the absolutely brain-rotted content Megan and I send her in our group chat), and one of the kindest human beings I’ve ever known. Enter the Villa is a masterpiece of reporting and writing, and to think that it’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all things Anna makes it even that more remarkable.”

—Brennan Carley, Entertainment Director at The Infatuation, husband of national treasure Nolan Feeney, and friend of Megan and Anna

Finally FINALLY, Anna’s Vanity Fair profile of thee Ariana Madix, Emmy-nominated host of Love Island USA, ran earlier today! Read it here!

Without further ado, I am delighted to share Anna Peele’s Loving Lately List: Love Island Edition! Enjoy!!!

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While reporting Enter the Villa, I did nearly 100 interviews with cast members and the people who make the show. This gave me some insight into what Islanders do to prep, from undergoing cosmetic dermatological work to getting multiple sets of press ons from their nail techs. This is not a list of things that will help you look like an Islander, because you can’t. These are the items that would help you get through your time in the Villa with slightly more ease, so you can relax and focus on the dozens of cameras documenting you and millions of people voting on whether they like you or not.

Beauty of Joseon’s Relief Sun Rice + Probiotics SPF 50+ sunscreen

I am fanatical about my skin to an almost Anne Hathaway degree. If the UV index is over 2 and I am outside, I am protected. So when my best friend saw a sign in a shop that simply said, “The best sunscreen ever,” she bought me a tube. The sign was accurate. It smells like nothing. It feels like nothing. It has no white cast or greasy appearance. While sunscreen use on Love Island is compulsory and product is provided, I would use this if I were reapplying 4+ times a day.

Lumify

If you are on Love Island, you are probably going to cry. You’re tired, you’re emotional, the producers are constantly trying to dysregulate you en route to you (god willing) learning how to be an adult human capable of a romantic relationship, and you’re likely wearing a lot of eye makeup. Your eyes will be red, and that looks terrible on camera. Most eyedrops produce a rebound effect, where blood vessels get even larger than they originally were after the vasoconstrictor wears off. Lumify doesn’t do that. So go ahead and use as many drops as you want, baby.

Babyfoot Original Exfoliation Lavender Scented Foot Peel

Get your feet right, because they could be in someone’s mouth. Babyfoot makes all of your dead skin fall off in sheets, which sounds (and is) disgusting but is also satisfying and effective. TWO IMPORTANT CAVEATS FOR USE: Soak your feet in warm water for an hour and pumice them before putting on the booties full of chemicals, and allow at least one week for your feet to be unsightly.

Happy Ears Ocean Plastics Green Discovery Pack

You’re basically sleeping in a luxury hostel, replete with the attendant snoring and sloppy makeout sounds that arrangement entails. These earplugs are reusable, made of recycled plastic that was fished out of the ocean, and truly block everything out.

Garden of Life Dr. Formulated Once Daily Women’s Probiotics

You’re sitting in the sun all day, sweating. Many of the challenges involve goo, and you’re not allowed to change immediately afterward. Most of you are hooking up at night. The underwear they provide is not made of natural fibers. Ladies of Love Island must do everything they can to stave off yeast infection.

Sinutab

I happened to be on Mallorca, where Love Island UK is filmed, during the week of the finale. It turns out that paradise — at least this particular paradise — is often visited by Saharan dust clouds, which settle over the island and will clog up your sinuses and give you a throbbing headache. I was given the British decongestant Sinutab, and within an hour, I felt completely better. It is immeasurably better than Sudafed. I cannot even imagine the quality of meth you could make with this.

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What you’ll find in this Loving Lately List: A one-two punch of life-changing lip care and a life-changing nail polish for my at-home manis, a variety of no-skip watch recos plus a few more book recos to cap off the summer, some of my favorite current internet whimsy finds, one recipe that has saved me hours and another that has saved me millions, my current fave thing on Bravo, and more.

Enjoy!

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Dolly Parton, all

We lost The Good One this month, y’all. Dolly Parton was a real life earth angel who gave a shit about people. She took her power seriously—and did incredible things with it—but not herself. Even though Dolly’s death was a very sad day, I’m grateful that it was the day I learned that there is a Pitbull cover of 9 to 5 called “Powerful Women,” on which Dolly has a rap verse in which she extends gratitude to Pitbull for being a feminist. And that’s really important to me. VIVA DOLLY!!!

Dr. Orna, all

I finally got around to watching the latest season of one of my favorite shows, Couples Therapy, and I just…I would follow Dr. Orna off a cliff. My friend Alex said it perfectly: “I love her insights and I love her tiny little braids.” If I had one wish, it would be to have Dr. Orna carry me around in a baby bjorn for a day. I just think experiencing that would solve a lot of things for me.

Chanty Beluga, all

As an overly curious person, there’s something positively euphoric about finding an internet trend outrageously funny without feeling any need to explain or examine why it’s so funny. It just is!!! And that’s beautiful!

Romy and Michele, all

Romy and Michele 2: A reason to keep going. No further elaboration needed.

My new prized possession, this Widow’s Bay sweatshirt

Shoutout to Phile 13 Club member Lauran Huff for generously gifting me with what is now my prized possession. Just goes to show ya that when you make a show your entire personality for like, a month, you WILL be rewarded!!!

This easy, delicious salmon salad recipe

I’ve cooked Yasmin Fahr’s salmon salad thrice in the last month, because it’s both delicious and almost deceptively easy to make. Takes 30 minutes flat. I cannot recommend it enough!!

Reminiscing on the period of time when Tom Hanks was very active on Instagram and would sign off every caption with “Hanx.”

Remember when Tom Hanks always used to post random things he’d find on the street and sign off every caption with “Hanx.”? We used to be a proper country!!!

Anne Hathaway’s open-toe kitten wedges and the big ol’ worm in The End of Oak Street

When I say my jaw was quite literally on the theater floor for the last 20-ish minutes of this movie, I’m not exaggerating. While I personally would’ve loved to see them turn up the weird, like, 10% more overall (especially with the score, no disrespect to Michael Giacchino, who is a genius), I’m glad it was made and I had a lot of fun watching it in a packed theater. And I think it’s so freakin’ rad that my Calma Queen Anne Hathaway decided to do this movie. I especially think it’s so freakin’ rad that her character spent the first half of the film in an open-toed kitten wedge. She just rules.

My second favorite character in the film is a creature whom my friend Jake and I now refer to as BPW (Big Prehistoric Worm). Without spoiling anything, we have now created our own mythology about BPW, one that says that essentially, he is just really misunderstood. When I asked Jake if he thought the other dinosaurs let BPW hang out with them, he said they definitely don’t. And that made me really sad. As someone who has WAY too much Aquarius in her birth chart to ever be comfortable in any sense of normalcy, I have had to work hard to put up boundaries with my compassion towards the lone BPW.

The viral book about salt

Speaking of salt, is anyone else reading the book about Salt that’s recently gone viral? Well I am, and I need to talk to someone about it. I’m only 40 pages in and I’ve already exclaimed “WHAT?!” aloud like, six times. Comment if you’d be game to start a Club Chat about it! Also, it has recently come to my attention that the author looks like Geppetto from Pinocchio, so that adds an extra layer of fun to the reading experience.

When my dog Fitz eats carrots

Is there anything better than the sound of a smol dog chomping down on a piece of carrot, one that’s been cut down so his smol body can attempt to digest it? No!

Law Roach on Ziwe

Once in a blue moon, two unstoppable forces link up for a meeting of the ages. This is one of those times. Law Roach, as mentioned in Brennan Carley’s Loving Lately List, is “tart and funny and the right level of mean…capital-t Television.” One could say the same for Ziwe, which makes this one of this year’s defining battle of wits.

Naturally, I was sending the group chat my live reactions as I watched; not even one minute after I said, “Watching this feels like being a young boy who has just watched the ‘98 Bulls play for the first time" they brought up the ‘98 Chicago Bulls in the actual video. And what I’m trying to say to you by including this anecdote is that this particular Ziwe interview is a delicious gift from our spirit guides. So please honor them accordingly.

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What’s below the paywall: A one-two punch of life-changing lip care, life-changing nail polish for my at-home manis, one last reading reco to cap off the summer, some of my favorite current internet whimsy finds, a recipe hack that has already saved me millions, Bravo recos, and more.

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Upon reflection, though, I realized that that tension was exactly why I needed to write about this.

And when I say “write about this,” what I’m not going to do is turn someone else’s tragedy into material or entertainment. I’m not going to litigate an already very public, very upsetting criminal case. I’m not going to speculate about a marriage that I wasn’t inside of, and I’m not going to diagnose someone I’ve never met. I don’t have the authority to diagnose anyone, because I’m not a licensed professional.

What I do have the authority on, however, is my lived experience as a victim of emotional abuse.

I don’t know what happened in their marriage, so I’m not going to try to determine whether the details about their marriage that are being testified upon constitute emotional abuse. And I’m certainly not going to use Lindsay’s story as proof of my own theories.

What I am going to do, though, is talk about things that were presented publicly in testimony—but only in the context of my reaction to them and what this case has made me recognize about my own experience.

I can’t tell you what happened to Lindsay in the months leading up to the horrific incident she’s now on trial for, but I can tell you what happened in my body when I heard specific details in the testimony. While I’ve done years of extensive therapy to heal from my own experience with abuse, all the therapy in the world can’t change the way my neck tightens when I feel that something isn’t right. And certain testimonies in this trial have made my neck instantly tighten, triggering an immediate recognition in my body.

What I recognized was someone who was begging for help and got continuously neglected and dismissed. And I recognized the feeling of immense isolation that comes from that kind of neglect, dismissal, and traumatic invalidation. Because of my own experience, I recognized patterns that I associate with manipulation and coercive control. And I recognized what it feels like when the person who’s supposed to make you feel safe instead becomes part of the reason you stop trusting yourself and your own perception of what’s happening to you.

One of the moments in the testimony that has really stayed with me was a text message Lindsay sent to her mother: “Mom, will you please come up and stay with me for a bit? I’m really sick. Something is wrong. I had horrible insomnia all night, and I just don’t know how I am going to get through the day. I started taking the medicine my doctor prescribed for anxiety and I think it’s made things worse. It’s just really scary and I don’t want to be alone.” I immediately recognized something I know intimately: what it feels like to know that something is wrong without necessarily having the language to explain exactly what it is. You can know you’re scared, you can know that you need someone, and you can even ask for help. You can know all of those things without being able to fully understand what’s happening to you or what kind of help you need.

We put an enormous amount of pressure on people—especially women—in crisis to communicate what exactly is wrong before they even know what’s wrong. Oftentimes, though, the most a woman in crisis is able to communicate is: Something is wrong, I’m scared, and I don’t want to be alone. That should be enough to make us all urgently rethink how we build systems, develop language, and respond to suffering. Because women should not have to become experts in their own crises in order to be taken seriously or receive help.

Recognition isn’t proof, but it’s not meaningless. How can I honor my own recognition without confusing it for evidence in an already messy public discourse? I don’t know if there’s a perfect solution, but I’ve done my best to try to approach that distinction with as much consideration and care as I can here.

I don’t know if there’s a perfect way to have this conversation, but I think that when we’re unwilling to engage with difficult subjects simply because we’re afraid of getting it wrong, nothing will ever change. So, even if no one ever reads this—or if someone does and thinks there’s something wrong with the way I’ve tried to have this conversation—making the effort is still worth it to me. I’m not claiming that Lindsay endured emotional abuse, but I am hoping to use the insight I’ve gained from my lived experience to add something useful to the conversation about what experiences of isolation can look like for women, and why we urgently need better language for them.

Women experience childbirth, postpartum suffering, emotional abuse, coercive control, and other forms of profound distress every day. Yet so many of them suffer in silence or have their suffering dismissed. But that is not a failure on their part. It a failure of the environments our society has created around them, environments that too often make people prove that they are suffering before we make it safe for them to get the help they truly need.

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What It Takes For a Woman to Be Believed

There are two things that were essential to my healing from emotional abuse. The first was others believing my suffering, since so much of it was done in isolation prior to leaving the relationship. The second was finding the vocabulary that helped me to name my experience in order to serve my own recovery. With that lens, I want to write about what the public discourse around this case has revealed to me about credibility, privacy, and the way we decide whether someone’s suffering is “legitimate.”

Because so much of what I personally experienced had happened in isolation, and because the abuse itself had caused me to question my own perception, knowing that others believed my suffering without knowing the full details was essential for me to be able to begin to heal. (Before I go any further, I just want to explicitly say that no one should need the full, or any, details to believe someone who says they are suffering.)

But our society complicates belief. In our society, believing a woman who claims she’s suffering often comes with the unspoken condition that she has to be able to present her suffering in a way that makes it not only easy to believe, but more importantly, comfortable for others. It’s true of abuse, it’s true of postpartum, it’s true of grief, the list could go on.

People are much more comfortable believing someone when they behave exactly as we think a victim should behave, especially if that victim is a woman. She should be able to understand exactly what’s happening to her and immediately identify what’s happening as abuse. When she ask for help, she should communicate it perfectly so outsiders can easily understand her, and she should remain consistently calm. The expectation of so many women is to be a perfect victim, but the reality is that these women are real human beings. And real human beings in these kinds of situations can contradict themselves, get angry, make mistakes, try to make things better, communicate imperfectly, don’t fully know what is happening to them, minimize things to protect the person hurting them, and ask for help in ways that aren’t totally legible to outsiders.

I also think our society has a particularly complicated relationship with the women who have always been “the one we never needed to worry about.” These women are capable, responsible, reliable, good communicators, the ones who get things done and take care of everyone else. There’s nothing wrong with having any of those qualities; where it becomes a problem is when those qualities are treated as evidence that someone is fine. When I was enduring emotional abuse, I was extremely high-functioning; I know firsthand that sometimes these traits are actually evidence of how someone is not good, they’ve just become really good at functioning.

And that can become especially dangerous when a woman who has always been perceived as capable finds herself in a situation where she can no longer manage everything on her own. Our culture has a huge problem with being largely unable to recognize distress in women whose distress doesn’t look exactly how we expect it to. The very qualities that make a high-functioning woman seem like the least likely person to need help are often the reason we don’t realize how badly they actually need it. And that is not a problem for those women to solve alone.

Abuse, postpartum, or another mental health condition—or all three at once—can be extremely destabilizing. This can, and often does, cause chaos; not just for the one suffering from it directly, but for the people around them. Any of these experiences can destabilize a woman enough to make her behave in ways that are irrational, inappropriate, contradictory, or even hurtful to the feelings of those around her. But that should not mean that she is no longer a human beings who deserves and needs compassion, care, and help.

Even while isolation and manipulation caused me to develop my own lack of self-trust and severely destabilized me, I was still trying desperately to communicate what was happening to me. Before I was eventually able to say that what I was experiencing was abuse, I knew what was happening was wrong. While I was working to understand my needs so I could ask for help clearly, I was doing my best to hold myself accountable by trying to distinguish my own actions from my reactions to the abuse I was enduring. That was incredibly confusing, frustrating, scary, and isolating, so I know firsthand how complicated it can be to ask for help while you’re simultaneously trying to understand what is happening to you.

We tell people to speak up when something is wrong. But we also need to be telling people is how difficult it is to speak clearly while you’re still inside of the thing that’s wrong.

According to the testimonies, Lindsay did everything she was “supposed to do” by society’s definition when we feel something is wrong. She went to the doctor. She told her family that she was scared. She asked for help. She admitted herself to the hospital (and she even drove herself there). In all the evidence that’s been presented about Lindsay’s communication about what she was going through, I haven’t seen one thing that doesn’t point to her trying to speak up when she felt something was wrong. From what I’ve seen, it’s clear that this woman was earnestly trying to hold herself accountable, and she followed the steps of what we’re all told to do if we need help. And she still wasn’t necessarily understood.

For example, testimony established that a doctor characterized Lindsay’s postpartum suffering as “baby blues,” and I think that alone is worth sitting with. It should make us want to examine what happens when someone does exactly what we tell them to do and the professional they turn to still doesn’t validate the severity of what they’re experiencing. And it should certainly tell us something about the way our society asks women to communicate their suffering.

What happens when a woman does everything we’re telling her to do and still doesn’t receive the help she needs? Sadly, I think we’re seeing it play out right now. And it’s for that reason that I feel it’s necessary for me to attempt to add some nuance to the larger cultural conversation.

In isolating experiences like emotional abuse and postpartum, no one should have to be expected to communicate why something that’s happening to them is wrong for others to believe that something is wrong. In those cases, language isn’t just descriptive; it can be legitimizing.

I completely understand why people are trying to make sense of a case that feels incomprehensible. As I waded further into the larger cultural conversation surrounding this case, I recognized a woman desperately searching for a language that I once desperately needed for myself. Now, I’m trying to figure out what I can do responsibly with that recognition. Because I experienced emotional abuse that was severely harmful and impacted every single facet of my life, the majority of which, I was doing so in silence.

I don’t know what happened inside Lindsay’s marriage and whether those dynamics explain what happened in that horrific incident. What I do know is that the dynamics I recognized in the testimonies–regardless of what they’ll ultimately mean in the context of this case–deserve more attention from our culture.

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What I Know Because I’ve Lived It, and What I Know Because I’m Willing to Listen

I don’t know what it’s like to have postpartum, but I don’t have to have experienced it to recognize that our culture is in dire need of better education, vocabulary, support, and intervention around it.

Because women endure postpartum and emotional abuse all the time, the need for a better language for both of these experiences is urgent, and that responsibility lies with all of us. Because while lived experience is one form of knowledge, empathy and actively listening is another. And I personally want to figure out how to do more with both.

The conversation is understandably veering towards “good vs. bad.” But in the context of the larger point I’m making here, that’s irrelevant at this stage. And from what I’ve seen writ large, it’s not helpful. The collective desire for moral clarity that’s playing out right now is completely understandable, but I’d like to invite anyone reading this to consider whether morality is relevant here.

As I have to remind myself often, two things can be true at once. In this context, solidarity matters, and the cultural pressure for us to visibly demonstrate that we’re on the “right side” can quickly become its own form of moral performance. In cases like this where there is so much confusion and speculation, people tend to subconsciously try to prove that they’re “good” before asking what would actually be helpful. The desire to be good is worth preserving, but the desire to look good is not. Because sometimes, the desire to visibly prove that we’re good interferes with actually helping.

When I was a Hollywood publicist, I saw a version of this firsthand during the Time’s Up moment at the Golden Globes. The Friday night before the ceremony, a client called me in a panic: everyone attending the ceremony had just been told to either wear black or a Time’s Up pin to show solidarity. In theory, there was nothing wrong with that. But the ceremony was in less than 48 hours, and not only had Time’s Up pins run out of pins, but the client was wearing dark blue. Understandably, this client was worried that others might interpret the outfit, which was chosen well in advance, as a lack of support for the cause.

I remember telling this client something along the lines of: If some media outlet actually runs a list of every single person who didn’t wear black, we’ll deal with it. But you know how you live your life. You know what you believe, and you know that the way you live is consistent with that. There’s nothing else you can do in the next 48 hours to prove it, and that’s okay.

That instance has always stayed with me—I think because it serves as a reminder of how quickly true solidarity can get overtaken by the pressures for someone to publicly prove they were on the right side of history. That they were “good.”

“Good vs. bad” asks us to identify the right person. “Humane vs. inhumane” asks us to examine the conditions, and that is what feels the most urgent to me in this conversation.

Right now, most of the online discourse I’ve seen surrounding this trial is: “Who is good? Who is bad? Who is responsible?” I’m not here to claim that those questions (especially the last one) aren’t important. Instead, I’m here to examine the most important question to me: “What is humane for a person to endure?”

Whether a woman is enduring emotional abuse or postpartum suffering (or both), isolation, dismissal, lack of support, and the inability to communicate perfectly—which, in unsafe spaces, can directly lead to their loss of credibility and agency—are far too common for us not to be talking about these experiences and examining them with more nuance and urgency.

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What Does Protection Actually Mean?

One of the reasons I got interested in this trial was because I heard Lindsay’s lawyer, Kevin Reddington, say that he was “very protective of her.” It got me thinking, what does it mean to protect someone who is vulnerable?

Healthy protection should create safety, preserve the agency of the person suffering, truly listen to that person and help them access resources.

It sure as shit shouldn’t require them to surrender their autonomy, especially when they’ve been begging for help–for protection–already.

“Protection” can become problematic when it becomes synonymous with control. That looks different in every single situation. It can look like someone else deciding what the suffering person can handle. It can look like someone else speaking for the suffering person rather than listening, because the suffering person hasn’t been able to communicate clearly enough. Oftentimes, the protection of a person becomes the protection of the reputation of an institution or relationship.

And that last distinction matters when we bring the healthcare system into this conversation. A system can be full of people who genuinely want to help others and still fail to make someone feel safe. A woman experiencing postpartum suffering can ask for help, communicate that something is wrong, identify and seek out the appropriate professional care, and still encounter a system that isn’t equipped to recognize what she’s trying to communicate (or requires her to articulate her suffering in a way that makes it legible for that particular healthcare provider before she can even begin to receive the help she actually needs).

This case has been so hard to watch across the board, but the more the testimonies have shown how she was treated by the medical professionals who were responsible for providing her with safe spaces in which she should’ve been cared for in the ways she needed, the more disturbed I’ve become. What does protection mean if the institutions we’re meant to rely on for protection at aren’t recognizing and effectively treating a woman who is asking for it, especially one who is in an exquisitely vulnerable state such as postpartum?

To state the obvious, the mere existence of resources is not synonymous with access to resources. It’s easy to say that someone could’ve called a doctor, gone to the hospital, reached out to family or others in their support system. But when a woman is already overwhelmed, isolated, confused, and struggling to articulate what’s happening to her, the distance between knowing a resource exists and being able to successfully access it can be—and usually is—enormous. We have to make it easier for people to find, recognize, ask for, and actually receive the help they need. Especially women who are in isolated, vulnerable positions. And that cannot just be a conversation we have after the crisis.

We need to be talking about these things long before someone reaches a crisis point. We need to be creating more safe spaces for all of us to learn more about what coercive control can look like, what postpartum suffering can look like, how people try to communicate distress when they don’t yet have the language for it, and learning how we can better support them through that process even when their behavior doesn’t fit our idea of what a woman in crisis looks like. We have to find a way to form a language that helps us recognize these things earlier and know how to respond before someone reaches the point where accessing resources becomes an emergency.

In any case, there’s something genuinely healing to me about watching a cis white, powerful man be truly protective of a vulnerable woman. Not because protection should require a cis white, powerful man to stand up for a vulnerable woman, but because cis white, powerful men are the group that our society was built to ensure the comfort of. Historically, our society has given men like Kevin Reddington enormous power to shape the conditions around them, but they often choose to do that shaping in ways that preserve their own comfort or control. So it’s moving when one of them uses his power to create safety for others, especially a woman who never got the help she was begging for. That is what protection means to me.

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Emotion Isn’t the Problem

When I initially told my therapist I wanted to talk about my reactions to this trial, I said that I wanted to try to remove my own emotions from the conversation. After we talked through that a bit more, I realized that what I actually meant was that I didn’t want to project my own experience as a victim of emotional abuse onto Lindsay’s story. After that, my therapist asked me if I was sure I wanted to remove the emotion from my reaction to this case. I said no, because not only is removing emotion impossible for anyone with a beating heart, but I also think our emotions have a place here.

So I’m not asking you to remove emotion from this conversation. In fact, I hope you don’t, because we have the opportunity to collectively examine the question I asked earlier: “What is humane for a person to endure?”

What I’m asking you to do here is join me in continuing to interrogate what our emotions are telling us as we watch this trial unfold, and what they’re revealing about the way we understand suffering, credibility, and protection on an individual and societal level.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know whether my interpretation is going to be useful. But I do know what it’s like to be a person who once desperately needed someone outside of myself to recognize that something about what I was experiencing was wrong. We don’t need to solve this case to know that there are things about how we respond to suffering, particularly women’s suffering, that have to change.

I feel an unavoidable sense of responsibility to speak up here because of my lived experience. But that responsibility shouldn’t—and can’t—require a specific experience in order for someone to feel a responsibility to speak up, too.

When I worked in PR, one of the most valuable forms of marketing was word-of-mouth: one person organically telling another person about a film they connected with. Studios spent enormous amounts of money on PR and marketing to get people to pay attention to their films, but once a film opened, there was arguably nothing more valuable than organic word-of-mouth. There will always be a unique kind of power in telling another person, “This resonated with me, and I think you should know about it.”

I think that, albeit in a very different context where the stakes are objectively different, that’s part of what I’m trying to do in writing this. I’m not under any sort of illusion that one essay is going to solve any of these problems. I’m simply trying to add to a conversation I wish people were having more on an individual level by passing along what I know about what emotional abuse can look like. Because while I haven’t experienced postpartum suffering, I recognized a lot of overlapping feelings that come from being a woman in isolation. And I don’t want anyone else to have to experience that isolation while believing they have no way out. It can be unbearably difficult to ask for help while you’re still trying to understand what is currently happening to you, and it can become even harder to carry when the one suffering has spent her entire life being “the one we never needed to worry about.”

Maybe this is just my version of word-of-mouth. I recognized something here because of what I’ve lived through, and this is my earnest attempt to provide the language I once needed.

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Resources via Shit You Should Care About:

“Suicide and homicide are leading causes of death for pregnant and postpartum women in the United States, and this administration has cut Medicaid, slashed maternal health funding, and continues to dismantle the infrastructure that struggling mothers depend on.

American motherhood is desperately broken; I’m just not sure if the Reddit threads are going to fix it.

If you’re a new mother or supporting one and something feels wrong, please reach out. The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is available at 1-833-TLC-MAMA. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available by call or text.”

When I started this Substack, I knew I wanted to dedicate a Love Letter to this album, which found me at the exact right moment I needed it. But I wasn’t properly summoned to the woods, if you will, until a few years after its initial release. So when I saw that this year would mark this album’s sixth anniversary, it felt kismet, because traditionally, the sixth anniversary gift is wood.

On-the-nose metaphor incoming: Trees don’t grow by replacing their previous selves; rather, they simply add another ring. In the case of my journey with folklore, this was an album I initially misunderstood. To be clear, I admired the songwriting, I appreciated and respected the huge sonic departure. I just wasn’t able to recognize myself inside it yet.

A big part of why I started this Substack was to try to unlearn the tendency to treat first impressions as final judgments. Writing these Love Letters twice a month has proven to me time and time again that our convictions aren’t proof of our consistency. More often than not, they’re just snapshots that show us where we stood when we formed our opinions.

To sum it all up, folklore didn’t change—I did. And now I’m here to pay my respects!

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Fiction as a Form of Truth

To me, folklore is an album about looking backward and asking: What changes about a story when we retell it?

My friend Monica introduced me to folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions, which is a documentary of Taylor, Aaron Dessner, and Jack Antonoff discussing the album’s creation and recording process. While I don’t think art needs to peel back the curtain for us to be able to fully appreciate it always, watching this gave me an entirely new appreciation for the album. Hearing Taylor and her collaborators dissect each track on the album, I was struck by how intentional they were in using the concept of distance as a tool to explore feelings through different perspectives.

Before folklore, Taylor Swift’s songs inspired widespread public speculation about her love life. But she drew a clear line with this album: the emotional truths still lived in the lyrics, but the private details were no longer ours to access. This isn’t to say that she was denying the personal nature of her writing—if anything, the emotions in this album actually feel more exposed than ever, which deeply resonates with me—but I think folklore symbolized that her feelings could still become art without the people involved becoming characters in a public investigation.

“Gossip and legend. Someone’s secrets written in folklore and passed down.” The fictional distance didn’t make the album less personal, it made it more universal. By deliberately stepping outside herself, Taylor left even more space for her listeners to find themselves.

Stories give us a great gift in giving us an opportunity to revisit experiences with different eyes. A story changes with every teller, every passing year, and every new truth we uncover about ourselves. In the best cases, a story can reveal how our understanding of the past evolves with us. This is something that’s been top of mind as I’ve been writing these Love Letters, especially in my recent essay about What Famesick and Yesteryear Got Right About Fame, From a Former Hollywood Publicist. Our relationship to a piece of art changes because our relationship to ourselves changes. I think this is why I needed time before I could fully appreciate folklore. I didn’t need to learn more about Taylor Swift; I needed to learn how to revisit the past without being trapped inside of it.

Taylor’s post upon the album’s release actually gives us the blueprint for this entire idea. She describes someone’s secrets becoming folklore as they’re rewritten and passed down. To me, that’s what folklore is ultimately interested in: the strange distance between what happened, what we remember, and the story that survives after we’ve told it so many times.

The folklore Trilogy: Three Stories, Three Truths

folklore isn’t just an album about heartbreak. It’s an album about how perspective transforms our understanding of heartbreak.

It is commonly understood among the Swiftie community that three songs on folklore—cardigan, august, and betty—are connected, forming what has become known by Swifties as the folklore love triangle. What fascinates me and ultimately resonated with me the most about these three songs as a group is that the point isn’t actually the love triangle itself. The point is the perspective.

In her statement announcing folklore, Taylor Swift described the album as an escape for her imagination, with characters who existed outside her direct experience. She expands upon this in The Long Pond Studio Sessions, explaining how this teenage love triangle trilogy explores one event through three different lenses: the one who caused the hurt, the hopeful romantic, and the one looking back years later.

That’s what makes the songs in the folklore love triangle so compelling to me, because we get to hear the same story through three very different perspectives. The result is deeply humanizing: there are no true villains in this story, just three young people making choices they can’t fully grasp just yet.

What I especially love is that Taylor never attacks the credibility of these young people simply because they’re young. She grants them the dignity of being complex, flawed, and fully capable of both inflicting hurt and enduring it.

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What you’ll find in this Loving Lately List: One of my favorite summer reads (from a summer of VERY stiff competition) plus three more of my reading recs that have hit the jackpot with friends this summer, my favorite moment from the unexpectedly (for ME) very good new Spider-Man movie, Ann Patchett’s whole roasted cauliflower, watch recos, a Spotify playlist and a card game that help me calma, some of my favorite recent moments courtesy of gorgeous gay people on the internet, a shoutout to a staple of an L.A. staple, and more! Enjoy!

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Having Linnethia Leakes back on my screen in any capacity

There is no Real Housewives without Nene Leakes. Hell, there aren’t memes at all without Nene Leakes! And yet, why don’t I see any national holidays in her honor? We have something called BARN DAY, but we can’t dedicate a holiday to Nene Leakes, first of her name? Guess what? Not anymore. August 13, it’s Nene Leakes day. Get on the table and dance for Andy (celebrate her) NOW!!!

When Emily & Gina call Vicki “Victoria” on RHOC

While I don’t know Vicki Gunvalson personally, I think my fellow Housewives connoisseurs would agree that we have more than enough evidence that points to her being a horrible person. Unfortunately, this often means you make for an incredible Housewife. Even more unfortunately, Vicki being back on my screen does feel like home. I’m sorry! But everything she does makes me laugh! I mean, is the below not one of the funniest Housewives scenes we got from the golden age?!

Anyway, nothing makes me laugh more than when Emily and Gina address Vicki as “Victoria.”

P.S. Can I just take a second to give a shoutout to Gina’s hair journey over the years? As a wise woman named Fleabag once said, “Hair is everything, Anthony.” And I genuinely believe that the hair journey of one Gina Kirschenheiter should be in the running for the eighth wonder of the world, because it’s nothing short of remarkable. Good for her!

John Cena, all

One of the ways I love spending quality time with my mom is by watching episodes of Good Hang with Amy Poehler on YouTube. And let me tell you, the John Cena episode? Color us both BESOTTED!!! Not only did he show up in a bespoke suit, but he also spit no less than eighteen separate home truths that made us both turn to each other and go, “Okay, John Cena!!!” LOVE. Fan for life.

P.S. My favorite part of Barbie with Greta Gerwig Director’s Commentary—which is 114 minutes of sheer heaven—is when she pronounces his name “John Senna.”

Slayyyter, all

The formula for an artist I’ll always root for is as follows: authenticity + audacity + the ability to craft a feeling of accessibility (notice I did not say they need to be accessible, because what human beings want to share about their personal lives is and always will be their right) + incredible hair. Enter Slayyyter.

She has more than earned her rise to stardom, and I found her last album WOR$T GIRL IN AMERICA to be endlessly inspiring—and, crucially, full of no-skips bangers. I love how genre-less her music feels while remaining so true to her vision as an artist, and I’m excited to keep rooting for her!

For anyone in need of an immediate buzz, please enjoy her entire Lollapalooza set:

Getting to talk to a ton of Boston people about The Town and Joe Mazzulla at the Dodgers game

After writing The Head Coach of the Boston Celtics and His Public, Passionate Relationship with The Town (2010), my love affair with Boston was all but complete. The only thing left to do was host my friend Katie—who very graciously gave me some quotes for that very story—at a Dodgers vs. Red Sox game. We had the best time. I got to talk to a bunch of Red Sox fans about The Town and Joe Mazzulla’s particular brand of crazy (complimentary), and a charmingly intoxicated woman tapped Katie on the shoulder and asked “Do you know Karen Read?” simply because Katie was wearing a Red Sox hat. But the cherry on top of the night was the moment we met Chappie (pictured below).

When Chappie attempted to heckle Katie for her choice in hat, I quickly sprung to her defense. From there, he and I engaged in a quick, lighthearted, raised-voice exchange of words. As Katie and I were leaving the stadium, we ran into Chappie and struck up a delightful conversation, which lasted honestly way longer than either of us expected it to. When he told us that he was from the San Fernando Valley, I simply replied, “But spiritually, Chappie, you’re from Boston.” And even though he’s a lifelong Dodgers fan, he seemed to be open to considering this!

The affordability of flowers from Trader Joe’s

Arranging flowers has become one of my favorite ways to practice mindfulness these days. Obviously, I do this at the most amateur of levels…but I don’t do it to be good! I do it because it makes me feel good! And I think this entire bouquet cost me less than $20 total!

Furious

I’ll admit that for the first 20 minutes or so, I was a bit trepidacious; “If you’re gunna do Promising Young Woman, just do it” being the primary thought in my mind. But by the end of that episode, I was hooked—which is an impressive feat for any show! It takes a lot to set up the world, introduce the characters, establish stakes, and the lot, and I applaud the team behind this show for a job well done from the jump. Shoutout to my friend Will, because I don’t think I would’ve come around to this show as early as I did without a loving push from him!

As for the subject matter, Inkoo Kang said it best for The New Yorker: "After a conventional start, “Furious” comes to feel alive and delightfully contradictory: at once cerebral and pulpy, compassionate and unhinged. Catherine’s story line evokes a feverish what-if scenario in which a survivor musters the requisite recklessness, talent for murder, and wig collection to mete out retribution. The season is streaked with mordant humor, and the show’s greatest achievement is its balance of genre-savvy thrills and seriousness of purpose.”

As for the life experience I’m bringing to it as a viewer: Detangling oneself from an abusive relationship can be messy, complex, confusing, scary, devastating, and liberating. Sometimes all at once. And there is a look that Emmy Rossum delivers in Episode 3 that somehow encapsulates every single one of these emotions all at once. It felt instantly recognizable, and it gave me full body chills to watch. This is all to say that while parts of this show are tough on my nervous system, I feel respected as a viewer for how it’s being handled by the creative team behind it. I’m taking it slow, but I’m totally invested and genuinely excited to see where they take this story.

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Below the paywall: One of my favorite summer reads (from a summer of VERY stiff competition) plus three more of my reading recs that have hit the jackpot with friends this summer, my favorite moment from the unexpectedly (for ME) very good new Spider-Man movie, Ann Patchett’s whole roasted cauliflower, watch recos, a Spotify playlist and a card game that help me calma, some of my favorite recent moments courtesy of gorgeous gay people on the internet, a shoutout to a staple of an L.A. staple, thee splinter saver, and more!

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The Feast of Transfiguration celebrates transformation, revelation, and the meeting of the human and the divine. These are the very themes Rosalía explores throughout Lux—both the album and the tour—via Catholic hagiography, feminine mysticism, and spiritual ascent. So, as I was noodling on the topic for my next Love Letter and saw that this holiday was coming up, I thought, what better day to celebrate the artistic transfiguration of ?!

This isn’t a theological essay by any means. It’s a celebration of what art can do, and what this particular artist has done for me. I’m don’t consider myself a religious person, but for the last several months, I’ve worshipped at the altar of Rosalía: which is why I’m dedicating the eighth Phile 13 Love Letter to her, my patron saint!

Rosalía The Shapeshifter

Lux is Rosalía’s most ambitious work to date. It’s an album that traces heartbreak, desire, forgiveness, and renewal through the imagery of female saints, mystical writings, and centuries of Catholic symbolism. With this album, Rosalía explores transformation through pop music.

When Rosalía first released the official video for Berghain, it left me feeling indescribably inspired. I’d never seen anything like it; reverent yet deliberately confrontational, it felt less like a music video than an invitation to partake in an entirely new artistic language. It was such a huge statement, a confident one at that, because Lux is such a dramatic departure from her last album, Motomami.

In retrospect, though, this album was the perfect next step in her artistic journey, because Rosalía has always been a shapeshifter; transformation is the persisting throughline of her career.

Rolling Stone said: “Through a certain lens, Lux can land as a pedantic and even pretentious project, with its dozen languages and nods to spiritual saints and divine texts. Yet the live experience softens the edges, adding splashes of pop and sexiness and mischief to a profoundly transformative set–and it’s a balance no artist strikes quite as well as Rosalía.”

That’s exactly why Lux is so inspiring to me. On paper, it’s almost impossibly cerebral: sung in thirteen languages, paying homage to saints, theology, and mysticism. But none of it feels academic to listen to—which was only reaffirmed in the tour. Why? Before Lux made me think, it made me feel.

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Without further adeux, here’s Loving Lately List: July 2026, Folie à Deux. Enjoy!

The renewed perspective on life that my stomach bug gave me

I had a nasty stomach bug earlier this month (and no, it wasn’t the vegetables diarrhea one, you sickos!!!). It was sheer misery—but the thing about misery is that it always yields a helpful perspective for those with eyes to see it. In this case, I got the fresh perspective through a lens of gratitude for the ability to do the most basic daily tasks—walking short distances, sitting up, being even 10% present mentally, eating anything that isn’t a popsicle—without being overcome by nausea. Thanks, universe!

The Odyssey (all), but specifically the last 45min

If I didn’t make it abundantly clear in the latest Love Letter, I had a freakin’ blast watching The Odyssey; I was both in awe of and inspired by the filmmaking on all levels. If I listed every thing I loved, it would take up way too much space, so I’ll just say that the last 45min made me feel like I was levitating. And at one point, I quite literally did: Athena’s last scene moved me to a place of standing up in the theater, in a similar fashion to how Fleabag did at the Quaker meeting.

Shoutout to my dear pal (and Phile 13 Club member) Himesh Patel, who plays Eurylochus!!! I know Himesh to be kind, compassionate, considerate, supportive, gentle, and funny; so I nearly jumped out of my seat when he sliced open some dude’s neck with a bronze sword during the takeover of Troy!!! Go sports!

The fact that I was finally able to watch Survivor: Australia vs World thanks to my stomach bug

My friend Jake, my Survivor companion, has been telling me to watch this for months now. And thanks to my stomach bug, I was finally able to! moves at a breakneck pace that makes it easy to lock in—I believe I said to Jake that watching a show that feels like a fever dream whilst having a fever is a unique experience—but the real treat is getting to watch Parvati and Cirie reunite. I love their friendship because it transcends the nature of the game entirely; in an environment that is quite literally designed to make people backstab and deceive each other, they’ve each become Survivor legends without ever betraying their genuine bond. Women!!!!

Whistler by Ann Patchett

I absolutely adored this book. It’s quite moving how a story with such a simple premise can be utterly engaging to the point where I refused to put it down. A beautiful story about impermanence with a profoundly beautiful take on how someone can impact your life even if they’re not in it for long. I miss reading it! Women!

The accidental ab workout when one tries to sing the songs on Olivia Rodrigo’s latest album in the car

I’m convinced that this young lady surely has a third lung, because whenever I scream-sing this album in the car (every day), I cannot get through any of the choruses without feeling like I’m going to pass out. Women!

Tracie Morrissey’s expert take on The Valley patriarchy while Danny enacts patriarchy, Nia maintains it

This is the only time I’m ever going to break the “lovers only” rule on this Substack, and anyone who watches The Valley will agree that it’s for good reason: I believe that we should be having a serious collective conversation about bringing back tarring and feathering as a means of publicly punishing Danny Booko for his toxic, damaging, and abusive pattern of behavior. Now, if your immediate question after reading that sentence was, “Why would anyone want to watch that?”, look no further than Tracie Morrissey's expert take on the whole enchilada, which is about how the show is “a field study in how gender roles are performed, negotiated, reinforced, challenged, and defended in real time.”

As someone with a semblance of a conscience and a basic understanding of what it means to co-exist with other human beings, I ask myself this question all the time, and this analysis puts all of my exact feelings into words better than I could. I first came across Tracie’s take via TikTok, and lemme tell you, I was seated the minute I heard her utter the words, “While Danny enacts patriarchy, Nia maintains it.” (LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, PLEASE!!!) Once I found out she communicated her take in written form via this lovely site, that was an instant subscribe for me! Grateful to Tracie for eloquently and thoughtfully adding to the long overdue cultural conversation that’s been gaining traction as the season unfolds.

The results of my DIY lampshade project

The latest iteration in my “DIY because girl, the economy” series is the pair of lampshades in my room, which I pleated using a fabric I bought on Etsy and some fabric glue. They’re not perfect, but they’re not supposed to be!!! And a fun surprise was that the pleating made the pattern on the fabric look intentionally squiggly, which I love. It makes me feel good whenever I look at them, which is every day!

The AMC employee who put a smiley face on my pre-ordered snack for The Odyssey

I knew I’d be cutting it close on time for my screening of The Odyssey, so I pre-ordered my movie snack ahead of time. Thank you to the AMC employee who made sure I went into my screening with a smile!

Below the paywall: my thoughts on the new Charli album, my movie club’s most recent pick courtesy of a very niche holiday, my mythology book club’s latest read, the show that is never not thrilling to revisit anytime a friend is watching it for the first time, my new favorite app thanks to my friend Carly, a perfectly-timed moment of hope courtesy of an aura reading, internet moments that made me smile, a book I never would’ve read had it not been for my book club, an excerpt I loved from a book I didn’t love, and more.

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‘Tis my Plato’s Cave.

A carrier bag is a container, a vessel, a thing that holds something else. Le Guin’s theory argues that fiction should act as a carrier bag that holds the mundane, collaborative, and life-sustaining aspects of the human experience instead of prioritizing and celebrating aggressive, hero-centric narratives. The way Le Guin challenged traditional hero narratives in her essay felt much more authentic to my experience; those stories have never resonated with me because I never truly saw myself in them.

When Le Guin wrote, “With or before the tool that forces energy outward, we made the tool that brings energy home,” I interpreted it to mean that before humans were hunters, we were gatherers. Not only did this idea become the philosophy that guided my own healing after trauma, but it became the lens through which I view the world now, how I understand stories, memory, and connection.

While I’ve been a fan of Christopher Nolan’s films, The Odyssey changed how I understood his entire filmography. While a clear throughline in his work is his exploration of how memory, time, and trauma have always been intertwined, this is the first of his films I’ve watched since experiencing a traumatic event in my own life.

(My trauma did not come from war, so I’ll never know what it feels like to carry the burdens that Odysseus had to. But storytelling creates paths to experiences we’ll never fully understand, which allows us to recognize pieces of ourselves in stories that are different from our own. And isn’t that a big point of our time on this spinning rock, to find ways of relating to experiences beyond our own?!)

I used to think that healing wouldn’t happen until I could move on from the past, but what my own trauma taught me is that it’s about moving forward. In my case, before I could move forward, I had to go backwards—not through past events, but to return home to myself and remember who I’ve always been at my core. A crucial homecoming!

Because The Odyssey is an adaptation of one of our foundational heroic myths, I expected the film to celebrate the archetypal hero’s journey. And it does. But I was surprised to learn that more than anything else, Nolan’s adaptation has much more in common with Le Guin’s vision than I ever could’ve anticipated. By the time the end credits rolled, I was in awe of how much it embodied the same ideas from Le Guin’s essay, the ones that transformed how I saw the world.

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“The lotus clouds the mind, saps the will, but doesn't change who you are."

In Tragedy, The Greeks, And Us, Simon Critchley wrote, “We might think we are through with the past, but the past isn’t through with us.” It’s a powerful sentiment about memory, one that Christopher Nolan has explored in every single one of his films.

The lotus flower in The Odyssey was an impactful representation of the very human temptation to forget trauma. When we forget, we lose the parts of ourselves that were shaped by surviving trauma, and to believe that forgetting is the only way to stop carrying painful memories is to participate in an illusion. While emptying the vessel of our memory might allow us to survive, it doesn’t allow us to truly live.

Immediately following my own traumatic experience, what I desired more than anything else was the feeling of control: over things in my daily life and over my memories. But reading Le Guin reminded me that control is a hunter’s mentality.

I thought healing required me to conquer the impossible task of fully letting go of the past, but in order to truly heal, I had to learn how to carry painful memories without allowing them to carry me. Acceptance was what finally carried me forward. Not because what happened to me was acceptable, but because I stopped measuring my healing by how close I could get to a version of the story in which everything could be explained.

_{Me before I learned how to carry painful memories without allowing them to carry me:}

Nolan understands that memory itself is a messy sort of carrier bag. It acts more like an editor than an archive, in that it gathers fragments of our experiences and reorganizes them in a way that causes us to remember meaning more than facts.

It’s why Nolan’s choice to revisit images we’ve already seen earlier in The Odyssey is such a powerful device. In doing so, he’s inviting the audience to experience them in a new way: through the filter of everything we’ve experienced in the meantime. When we first see the takeover of Troy, for example, it seems quite straightforward, especially because our culture is so familiarized with the story of the Trojan Horse. When the image returns later in the film, though, it returns to us as a memory whose meaning has changed, because we—the audience and Odysseus—have undergone a transformation. With more context and experience, we’re empowered to view the same image through an entirely different lens, making the revelation about Athena’s role in the story so impactful at the end of the film.

In a recent Time Magazine interview, Nolan made the important distinction between reconstruction and speculation: “For Interstellar, you’re looking at, ‘What is the best speculation of the future?’ When you’re looking at the ancient past, it’s actually the same thing. ‘What is the best speculation and how can I use that to create a world?’” In other words, with The Odyssey, he’s approaching this world in the same way that our memory approaches the past: not by reconstructing it per se, but by imagining it in the most emotionally truthful way.

How that truth is defined is unique to every individual audience member. What’s so beautiful and moving about film as a storytelling medium is that many separate individuals end up walking away with a lot of the same universal takeaways. In the case of The Odyssey, rather than preserving the past, Nolan is keeping the meaningful parts of it alive for the audience. It’s a powerful reminder that what’s ancient and modern aren’t actually that far apart.

“Did you hear the story of the horse? Did you hear it from the inside?”

On the surface, Nolan’s The Odyssey looks like the ultimate hero’s journey home. But similar to the Trojan Horse, it’s a spectacle that carries something even more meaningful than what it appears to be.

Friedrich Nietzsche’s interpretation of the Trojan Horse suggests ideas often enter culture disguised as familiar stories. In using the Trojan Horse as a metaphor for culture itself, Nietzsche reminds us that truly revolutionary and transformative ideas rarely arrive announcing themselves as such. Rather, they’re disguised as familiar stories so our culture welcomes them, and only then do they begin quietly reshaping civilization. This was one of The Odyssey’s greatest surprises for me. I expected spectacle, and I got it, but there was much more meaning inside of this carrier bag of a film that resonated with me.

Christopher Nolan could’ve made a version of this story that was all spectacle, and it still would’ve been miraculous. He could’ve made a version of this story that celebrated conquest as the ultimate victory, and because of his abilities as a filmmaker, audiences would’ve embraced it. Instead, he uses spectacle as a vehicle for us to refocus our attention on the things that conquest threatens to destroy. I have a lot of respect for the approach he took, because The Odyssey is less of a monument to the hero’s journey than a container that introduces modern audiences to questions about memory, identity, trauma, and humanity’s relationship to the past. It’s an ancient story, but these themes have never felt more contemporary.

By returning again and again to Zeus’ Law, Nolan makes it the moral foundation of The Odyssey. Through that lens, he’s inviting the audience to reconsider every act of conquest by weighing it against its human cost. This allows him to deliver a crucial reminder: civilizations might be won through conquest, but they can only survive by participating in the things that make communal life possible in the first place. When we lose sight of the obligations we have to one another as human beings, we’re threatening the foundations that allow civilizations to endure.

Why do myths survive? Because the Trojan Horse continues to find new forms, and audiences continue to pry them open. Myths are carrier bags that are never sealed; they remain meaningful because audiences continue to participate in reinterpreting them. The Odyssey is simply another participant, albeit a near-magical one, in an ongoing conversation that’s stretched from Homer through Plato and Shakespeare and Emily Wilson, and now through Christopher Nolan.

Our culture recognizes the Trojan Horse as a symbol of conquest, but that meaning completely changes when it’s experienced from the perspective of those hidden within it. Trauma often works the same way.

From the outside, it’s easy to reduce a person’s traumatic experience to their most visibly obvious elements, looking at it like an event that can be summarized neatly with a clear before and after. From the inside, though, it’s a much more complex, mixed (carrier) bag full of memories, fears, contradictions, and attempts to make sense of what was lost, all of which continue to evolve long after the event itself has ended.

The perspective from the inside is where meaning truly lives. For me, I find more meaning when I’m prioritizing community over conquest. The hunter mindset asks what can be conquered, won, or controlled. The gatherer mindset asks us what we can preserve, carry forward, and understand about ourselves and each other, and that distinction continues to shape the way I move through life.

I recently joked with my sister that I don’t argue to be right, but to be understood. Like most jokes, there was truth in that. I want to be understood; equally, I want to understand others. Because I want to experience human connection more than I want to experience victory, I believe that others do too. And this gives me hope in a world that’s increasingly making it harder for all of us to hold onto it.

“The structure is nothing without people’s respect for its meaning.”

Much like Odysseus returning home to Ithaca, reading The Carrier Bag Theory of Fiction for the first time was a certain kind of homecoming for me, because Le Guin’s rejection of the traditional hero’s journey in particular made me feel seen and understood. In The Odyssey, Nolan captures this tension with Circe’s scene.

When she says, “Go back to your disguises,” the disguises in question represent the versions of ourselves that we build when our survival requires us to hide. While our disguises can protect us when it’s needed, they can become our burdens if we forget that they were never meant to be permanent.

To survive, Odysseus created several versions of himself; but he could only return home once he remembered who he was beneath them all and returned to the values that make true community possible in the first place. Similarly, what I learned through my own healing process was that coming home to myself required me to remove my own disguises through practicing true vulnerability with myself and with others.

None of us are immune to experiencing pain, it is one of life’s only certainties. To become unaffected by the pain we experience is not possible, and trying to do so will only make a person drift further from their true self. What’s most important is to learn how to no longer feel the need to hide from our pain. And while time alone is crucial, I believe that community is the only way we can truly do that; because if pain is certain for all of us, wouldn’t it be better if we learned how to carry it side by side rather than trying to do it alone?

With the opening frame of The Odyssey, Nolan isn’t celebrating the Trojan Horse as a strategic conquest of war. Instead, that victory is reframed through the lens of what was lost when Zeus’ Law was broken. And by repeatedly returning to Zeus’ Law throughout the film, Nolan successfully empowers the audience to reinterpret one of our culture’s most well-known symbols.

Le Guin argues that it’s stories, not objective facts, that preserve the human experience. Likewise, Nolan’s adaptation carries the emotional, psychological truths that live within Homer’s epic and their evolving meanings into the present. This story continually gathers new meanings from every generation that retells it; it’s endured because it’s always functioned as a carrier bag, even when it gets mistaken for a traditional hero’s journey.

Nolan’s reinterpretation of an old story reminded me why humans told stories in the first place, and why we continue to tell them. The film demonstrates an understanding of an idea Simon Critchley wrote about in Tragedy, The Greeks, And Us: “When the ancients speak, they do not merely tell us about themselves. They tell us about us.”

According to Le Guin, the carrier bag’s purpose “is neither resolution nor stasis but continuing process.” The same can be said for making art. What makes Christopher Nolan a singular filmmaker is that he’s found a way to carry out this same purpose while also achieving commercial success. And as someone who left the industry more-or-less disenchanted by it all, it’s quite inspiring to see!

“Give up the fight, give up control, and live.”

The recurring emphasis on Zeus’ Law in the film isn’t just an ethical code to explain morality to the audience; it’s the container that holds true gatherer values. It reminds us that civilizations depend on hospitality, shared responsibility, and community. Odysseus’ Trojan Horse violated those values, which he is able to acknowledge by the end of the film: “We left them a gift, an offering of peace that they took into their home. We violated all that’s ever sacred between people. It turned a fight into a hunt. To burn the walls of Troy was to burn the world entire. Including his home.”

After a traumatic experience, a person becomes a carrier bag, gathering fragments of stories and reinterpreting them before choosing what to carry forward. Le Guin and Nolan’s works reminded me that life has the most meaning when we approach these choices from a gatherer mindset as opposed to a hunter’s mindset.

To give up the fight does not mean to surrender entirely, just like releasing control doesn’t mean giving up entirely. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what happened to me, and that’s okay, because the most important lesson I learned since then was that learning to carry the past differently is what allows me to truly live, not just survive.

The reason I return to Le Guin’s essay so often is because, like Plato’s Cave, it changed the shape of reality itself for me in ways that allowed me to live a life more aligned with my emotional truth. It didn’t erase what I experienced, and I wouldn’t want it to, because what I gathered from it turned out to be so much more meaningful. Leaving the cave wasn’t about discovering that everything I once believed to be true was all a lie; it was about realizing and ultimately accepting that reality contains more layers of truth than I initially understood.

Stories matter because they remind us what is worth carrying forward. Zeus’ Law carries hospitality, myths carry memory, stories carry emotional truth, and communities carry responsibility to one another. And much like Le Guin’s carrier bag, the value of these stories is determined by what they preserve.

Perhaps our survival has never depended on the strongest heroes, but on our willingness to carry what matters for ourselves and for one another.

Brennan can engage with a Zendaya is Meechee reference just as easily as he can pull a Drag Race clip from yesteryear out of thin air when all you’ve said is, “What’s that one where…?” He is a voracious reader, and he’s the only person I know who still manages to stay optimistic every time a trailer for the upcoming season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills—which is like a bad situationship in the form of a TV show, in that it’s never not disappointing me—is released.

He is the proud owner of many Snoopy’s, including one in tattoo form. He is the one who introduced me to Ariana Grande’s 7 rings when we first met on a photo shoot lifetimes ago, and since then, he’s kept up that “you’ve gotta listen because this is gunna be the next big thing in music” streak in our group chat.

When the Indiana Jones boulder went flying last year, Brennan was the first person I thought of (complimentary), because he is the one who valiantly shepherded me and his perfect husband Nolan (they are truly the New York media power couple if there ever was one) around Disneyland for a day. It’s one of my favorite days in the last few years, because I did not have to think one single thought the entire day, because Brennan already knew exactly where to go, exactly where the variety of food offerings were located, because he knows everything. But he never makes me feel condescended to—always cared for. Because we both believe that no one should be made to feel inferior for not having encountered something before, my friendship with Brennan has been filled with much learning, curiosity, and fun.

I could go on, or I could hand it over to a far more eloquent wordsmith. So here are a few more words on Brennan, courtesy of the third member of our group chat trio, Anna Peele:

“Brennan is a pop culture enthusiast, equally as excited traveling to another continent to see a reality star lip sync as the opening act to a long-disbanded girl group I’ve never heard of as he is going to a private party at the personal invitation of one of the biggest pop stars in the world. And yet, he is also one of my most discerning friends. I often rate his opinion over my own, reevaluating my initial assessment to realize, yes, Brennan is right again. 

Likewise, in the group chat, he endelssly soothes and affirms the most tattered nerves during the craziest spirals but also, via text, puts a firm hand on your shoulder and tells you, “Do not do [TERRIBLE THING YOU WERE PLANNING TO DO]” in a way that never makes you feel bad that it was your instinct in the first place.” 

—Anna Peele, contributing editor at Vanity Fair, author of Enter the Villa: The (Unauthorized) Reality Behind Love Island, and friend of Megan and Brennan

By now, you should have a good understanding for why I jumped to say yes when Brennan asked if I’d ever consider publishing someone else’s Loving Lately List. If you find yourself beholden to society’s markers for credibility (you’re welcome here, but I think you might be on the wrong Substack, luv), Brennan’s bio reads as follows:

Brennan Carley is the Entertainment Director at The Infatuation. His work can also be found in The New York Times, Vulture, Vogue, Bustle, Vice, Esquire, Elle, GQ, Cosmopolitan, Entertainment Weekly, Service95, New York Magazine, and more.

If you’ve been here with me on this journey from the beginning, then you know I don’t subscribe to the traditional bio format, so I’ve asked him to include his answer to my icebreaker question below :)

If you could own any prop from any movie, what would it be & why? This is 100% inspired by the tour of the Walt Disney Studios in Burbank I went on last summer, but I would pay an ungodly amount of money for the children's stacking blocks from the Mary Poppins "A Spoonful of Sugar" sequence. The magic of that practical effect blew my mind the first time I watched it, and continues to blow my mind to this day. Seeing them up close and personal (behind bulletproof glass, naturally) at the studio made me covet them even more. Gimme!

Without further ado, I am tickled to share Brennan Carley’s Loving Lately List, which was as fun for me to read as the Guardians of the Galaxy ride at Disneyland is for him! Enjoy!!!

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Ikkimel

Sometimes, your TikTok algorithm really sees you for you are. Last week, I (alongside, I assume, a million other gay, pop-loving basics) was served a German morning television show performance by a rapper named Ikkimel, who it turns out is my long-lost mother, even if she’s legally much younger than me. Although I don’t understand a lick of the language, it’s the attitude and the constant “can you believe they booked me for an 8:28am performance” giggles from this immediate superstar that sold me. I’m also so drawn to the horrified crowd (Ikkimel they do NOT deserve you, diva). I’ve spent the last week doing a deep dive into her catalogue and I’m infatuated. In the words of Trinity the Tuck: “I don’t know what the f—k she’s saying but girl I am living.”

Steamed Rainbow by D.S. & Durga

I have typically been a one scent kind of guy, switching between fragrances only when I’ve kicked a bottle. Recently and heavily thanks to my husband’s ongoing “fragrance journey” (ask him about the Canva he’s created about everything he’s tried),2 I’ve loved opening up my shelf space to whatever sparks joy whenever I smell it. Recently, I tried D.S. & Durga’s Steamed Rainbow, described by the brand as “ROYGBIV reflections on soft weightless water steaming upwards forever fresh.” Top notes include mandarin and orange; I smell Disney water ride (complimentary), laundry drying on a clothesline by the sea, and bubbles. Signature scent: unlocked, methinks!

Lala Kent on The Valley

I really thought The Valley might not come back from the brink, even with this season’s banishment of Jax Taylor, an oozing sore that won’t respond to antibiotics. I balked even harder when we learned Vanderpump Rules vets Tom Schwartz and Lala Kent would be joining the cast. But still she rises!

I never should have doubted Lala, a seasoned (if polarizing) reality TV icon who always comes out some form of on top, even when she’s on the wrong side of history. Lala’s a woman who learns and adapts and still manages to be both evolved and small-screen gold, unafraid to push storylines and drama forward. This season it’s been a joy watching her step up to the show’s disgusting brothers (Jesse and Danny). I also loved her quiet support of Janet in their conversation about sexual assault and trauma. Give them Lala!

X-Men '97

Once a comic book nerd, always a comic book nerd is what I always say. In the past year or two, I’ve dug deep into what makes me happy, including pop culture I consumed as a kid. I don’t know why I abandoned so much of what made me me (such is life in this hellscape I guess!) but it’s been so nice to revisit my roots.3 That’s everything from horror books (thanks, Goosebumps!) to my long-lasting X-Men love. As a pre-teen I used to go to my local library and take out stacks of X-Men novels (yes, they exist!), so having X-Men ’97 on Disney+ has felt like a wonderful, healing, full-circle moment for me. Not only is the animation superb, but the storytelling and voice acting are some of the most compelling across any modern live-action and animated TV series. You will laugh. You might cry (I did, which is really hard on my SSRIs!). You will fall in love with more than just the X-Men you think you know. 100 seasons please!

Law Roach (all)

You don’t need me to tell you why Law Roach is one of our greatest personalities, but you do need me to tell you to tune in to his incredible, wicked critiques on RuPaul’s Drag Race (regular + All Stars) and Project Runway (bad season so far, perfect judge). He’s tart and funny and the right level of mean. I know a lot of people think he’s too much of a bitch, but do you really want boring critiques from boring judges, or do you want capital-t Television? You also don’t need me to tell you how brilliant Law is when it comes to styling Zendaya, but a moment for The Odyssey press tour outfits, please, especially the grand finale, wings-and-all extravaganza. Put Law on The View!

Icona Pop

If you want my honest opinion, Meghan Trainor canceling her tour this summer was probably the best possible outcome for opening act Icona Pop, who now get to focus all their attention on the rollout of their new album. “Butterfly Feelings” is not only one of the best songs they’ve ever put out (high praise coming from me, a stan) but it’s also one of the best songs of 2026, and I will die on that hill. A little bonus shoutout to their incredible run on the Swedish reality show Så mycket bättre, where a bunch of artists convene for an artistic retreat to cover each other’s songs. Icona Pop’s covers are so revelatory they feel like originals, especially “They’re Building Walls Around Us.”

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If you’re new here: Loving Lately Lists are normally for paid subscribers only, but it’s important to me that more of you have the proper chance to get a sense of what we do here. Which is why I’ve ALSO lifted the paywall on my last few Love Letters, for a few days only:

To everyone who has been investing in a paid subscription: thank you so much for believing in my work while I’m still in this growth stage and for understanding that sometimes, you’ve gotta open the door a bit wider if you want to welcome new people in! Your support means the world to me, truly. It me helps give me the freedom to keep creating and building a more meaningful life, and I am so incredibly grateful. Thank you!!!

Okay! Now back to our regular scheduled programming.

What you’ll find in this Loving Lately List: Thee Rosalía Lux Tour nun hoodie, Joan content to brighten up your life, an expert demonstration gentle parenting on Love Island, neighborhood whimsy, my favorite face sunscreen, the beautiful irony of an up-and-coming Bravo star, a few of my favorite niche Substack follows, Minions & Monsters, celebrating recipes that are easy and delicious, a few of my favorite press day moments of the summer, Tom Holland’s NA beer, and a girl who uses her powers for good (making prank calls with her killer Mickey Mouse impression). Enjoy!

P.S. Stay tuned for a VERY special Loving Lately List next week :)

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My Rosalía Lux Tour merch

I will be writing an entire essay about what she did with this tour, but for now, please enjoy this nun hoodie, which is the only thing I cared about for the months leading up to the concert.

Getting to spend QT with my girl Joan

While I was devastated to not be able to attend my dear friend Sarina’s wedding in Italy due to This Economy, I was honored to have been entrusted with her pride and joy: Joan. Behold!!!

Mara on Love Island UK gentle parenting a man as a way of holding him accountable

This should go down in not only The Love Island Hall of Fame, but the Reality TV Hall of Fame. Nay, the Rock & Roll Hall of fame. It should be taught in schools. It should be required viewing before every flight, along with the safety video. This man-boy led her on only to promptly discard her, and instead of blowing up at him, this absolute queen gentle-parented him. It’s remarkable. She was in that villa for not even 24 hours and made this impact, proof that we should NEVER let anyone make the “quantity over quality” argument blindly. And yes, I WILL be adding her to my upcoming Love Letter to The Love Island Bombshell!

Minions & Monsters

This movie is kinda the eighth wonder of the world? I stood up & cheered at the OPENING credits, if that’s any indicator! A love letter to creation and, crucially, to COLLABORATION in film. Surprisingly had a TON of crossover with my latest Love Letter. This film pays homage to so many classics and tropes in ways you can only do if you truly love film and filmmaking. And, most importantly, it’s a movie that understands the answer to everything is always witchcraft.

I’d only dock one star for the robot storyline. While I understood what they were doing there and I appreciate the sentiment, the vehicle with which it was carried out was perhaps not the best for this particular time we’re in?

Super fun time at the movies. What it lacks in some second act pacing issues it makes up for with heart and authenticity! And I’ll take those over imperfect pacing every day of the week.

My slide whistle

One of the shows I recommended in my last Loving Lately List reminded me that I had this slide whistle. Here’s a video I sent to my friends on April Fool’s Day. I’m not really sure what I thought I was going to do with it, but it’s been fun to play in front of the dogs and watch the confusion and curiosity wash over them.

The Szilveszter Makó shoot for British Vogue

Those of you who have been here since the beginning know I ride HARD for the Emma Thompson Sense & Sensibility. (Seriously, read the book of her diary entries from production and watch your life change for the better). While that statement might lead one to correctly assume that I’m, shall we say, weary about the latest film adaption, I’m ALSO a believer that to be a true fan is to engage with the work honestly. That goes for the original source material as well as adaptations.

Personally, I have more work to do in the “this adaptation will NEVER be Emma Thompson!” department, however sound an argument that may be. That work starts with me making an earnest effort to receive this film’s press tour with an open mind instead of a judgmental one. Luckily for me, this photo shoot for British Vogue by Szilveszter Makó did a lot of that work for me. However hesitant I may be about [redacted, because…let’s wait to see the actual film first], this creative vision served as a soothing balm.

James Cameron’s presence and choice of shirt in the Jaws documentary

I just love him and I love that he wore this shirt to sit for the Jaws Documentary. I couldn’t find a better photo online, sorry! But it’s the logo of a racing company, or something? I just liked that the shirt was so casual and had nothing to do with anything. And I like imagining that the producers of the doc had to get the logo cleared after his interview.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this doc! It’s hard to find new tidbits of information or insight about Jaws at this point, but I felt like I learned things! And if nothing else, Steven Spielberg says “scuttlebutt” in the first ten minutes. Which tickled me!

(If you haven’t read my Love Letter to the surprising feminism of James Cameron, you can do so here! Paywall lifted on this one for a very limited time!)

Serendipity courtesy of Little Free Library

About a week after I watched the Jaws doc, I came across this bad boy in a Little Free Library! I’ve never read it, so I’m excited to get a new entry point into the film from this perspective.

Georgia from Next Gen NYC endeavoring to start a cleaning brand

From the moment I watched this young woman used the phrase “My body, my choice” to justify why she doesn’t wash her hands, I knew I was watching reality TV greatness in the making. And she has not disappointed me yet. Her latest endeavor to start a cleaning brand called “Yuck!” is a stunning act of capitalizing on one’s own irony. (Whether she’s in on the joke or not remains to be seen, but I hope she laughs all the way to the bank either way.)

July 4th with Mr. United States

My dear pal Monica made the Ina Garten Fourth of July cake, and it was PERFECT. Speaking of perfect, please enjoy this photo of her son Parker accidentally looking like the Statue of Liberty as he learns how to correctly use a sparkler.

This spray-on face sunscreen

This is my go-to sunscreen when I’m running late (often) and I’m halfway out the door and then I go, “GASP! I forgot to put on face sunscreen!” Because of my unique experience with sunscreen application, what I can tell you is that this sits really well over makeup. FYI—it does smell like a hint of summer, which I quite like, but I know that isn’t for everyone!

The feeling of running a pool cleaner through a pool

There’s just something about running a pool cleaner through a pool that makes me feel like a monk. Or maybe just a practicing Buddhist…a shaved head wouldn’t suit me. Anyway, doing this really soothes me!

Matt Damon on Good Hang

Amy Poehler’s latest podcast episode with Matt Damon is one of my faves she’s ever done. He shared a lot of incredible filmmaking stories—his Robin Williams ones in particular were amazing. He clearly has a wealth of knowledge about making movies, yet somehow, no visible ego to show for it. Imagine? While I don’t know him personally, I do believe he is presenting his authentic self—the fact that he has a running joke with the PAs on The Odyssey tells me a lot (positive).

I also loved that Amy gave Chris Nolan’s wife and producing partner Dame Emma Thomas her due at the top of this episode. My one grievance was that Amy never asked him about “I live inside my own heart, Matt Damon.” Although, perhaps it’s better that this perfect anecdote just exists as it is forever.

BERO, Tom Holland’s NA Beer

I root for this young man so much, so I’m delighted to report that Tom Holland’s NA beer is good, y’all! And the design is chic! He’s also got a shandy, which he says he made because Zendaya doesn’t like beer. I mean…to inspire a man to the point of making an entire product for you? These boys on Love Island could learn a thing or two!!!

This fairy door I saw in someone’s front garden

I think this is really lovely. Maybe I’ll do this for my next pottery painting project. I like imagining little fairies (or elves?) shuffling in and out of it at night.

These NYT recipes that were easy and yummy

Pierre Franey’s Chicken Breasts with Lemon is one of the easiest chicken recipes I’ve ever made, and it was delicious. I don’t understand? I put next-to-zero effort in? David Tanis’ Summer Pasta With Zucchini, Ricotta and Basil took a BIT more effort, but honestly, this one was so easy, too! And the payoff was incredible, because it yielded leftovers for days. And yes, I ate it cold.

A few fun follows on Substack

I know there’s a ‘Recommendations’ feature on Substack, but honestly, I’ve gotten so much feedback about how un-user-friendly this app is (I agree, I’m still figuring out how it all works myself, but still I rise), I felt like simply listing a few of my favorite recent follows was easiest.

• : My graphic designer Shannon showed me this account, and I’ve really been enjoying it! I really liked their post about Pixar’s Believable People.

• : I know I just slandered Substack’s user features, but what I WON’T slander is its algorithm, which served me this account. This woman posts lovely wildlife photos, but the piece de resistance for me is, of course, her snake content. She posts helpful tips, but more importantly, photos of snakes doing cute things. Like wearing a little knit cap.

• : I believe this account has the makings to become Substack’s BaldAnnDowd. Great follow.

• ’s airport dispatches: I mean. It’s a Fritz Bernaise.

Jack Edwards’ use of his time with talent on press days

These press days can be SUCH slogs. They can get to a point where it instantly sucks the energy out of the room anytime a journalist begins to cycle through the exact same questions with the exact same answers the talent have given to every other journalist before them. While talking points are important to get across to different markets, whenever that happens, it’s just not fun for anyone involved. Which is why I just love what this young man has chosen to do with his allotted press day time by giving personal book recommendations to talent. It’s such a unique approach, one that only works because it’s—say it with me—authentic!!! Bibliophiles rise!!!

Putting Downy Wrinkle Release spray on my sheets to feel like I’m the guest on a superyacht

I watch all iterations of Below Deck, obviously. Whenever the deck stewards are changing the sheets, I see them spray this wrinkle release spray on them as a little cherry on top. So, I tried it, and not only does it make your sheets release their wrinkles, but it also gives it an extra fresh smell!

This girl who does a perfect Mickey Mouse impression and uses her powers for good

This girl’s Mickey Mouse impression (and Minnie AND Donald Duck) is unmatched. This video of her calling a Mickey Mouse impersonator, who goes along with the prank? Also unmatched. She also has a video where she calls pest control as Mickey Mouse to accuse them of exterminating Mickey’s family. Very Good Internet!

One more Joan for the road?

I spent a decade working in Hollywood, the majority of which I spent doing PR for celebrities. To provide context for everything that follows, I felt it was necessary to begin with my own definition of fame: Fame is a form of heightened visibility that creates the pressure to perform an identity by testing whether a person can remain truthful to how they define themselves while confronting others’ newfound definitions of them.

One of the recurring themes I observed over the course of that decade was how visibility tests our authenticity. In Hollywood, people fall victim to the Icarus syndrome all the time, achieving rapid “success” by the industry’s standards (awards, popularity, or anything that leads to a sudden rise in visibility) only to end up straining the foundation of the soul because they’re blind to their own personal limits.

The second was how storytelling can not only empower our integrity, but more crucially, erode it. As Martha Beck wrote in The Way of Integrity, “Not being ourselves comes at a true cost. Pretending makes us ill.” In Hollywood, there is a disturbing dissonance between performative goodness and private conduct. This disconnect isn’t limited to celebrities; it’s a systemic hypocrisy that permeates the entire industry, from agents and managers to studio executives and the media.

Whether it was personal publicity or awards campaigns, a huge part of my job was to help shape how stories were received by the public. What I found most fulfilling about working as a publicist was using PR as a tool to help creatives continue to make the things they wanted to make. But, like anything worth wanting, there are costs to that.

The spotlight amplifies your strengths, but it also magnifies your insecurities. Fame can be a spotlight, but more crucially, it can be a mirror; to be properly equipped for it, you need to be willing and able to confront the projections of others. If you aspire to have any sort of proximity to fame without having the capacity and the courage to frequently look in the mirror, you’ll find that losing a part of your soul is often the cost. That works for a lot of people, it just doesn’t work for me (I love storytelling, but only when it’s rooted in truth), so it was only a matter of time before I finally got to a point of “not my circus, not my monkeys.”

Since I left the industry a few years ago, I’ve spent time distilling my observations into lessons. One of my biggest takeaways was the importance of grounding one’s worth in truth and substance, not the superficial rewards of the spotlight or the instant gratification cycle of fame.

We live in a society that worships fame without considering what fame does to the human soul. Instead of praising fame, we should be telling the truth about it. 's Famesick and ’s Yesteryear do just that. While these two books are completely different genres—the former an extremely candid and personal memoir, the latter a fictional novel following a “tradwife” influencer that’s equal parts social satire and psychological thriller—both explore a few of the same inherent truths about fame, which is why I’m dedicating the sixth Phile 13 Love Letter to them.

The central question both Famesick and Yesteryear are asking, and the one I’m going to add my own insight as I explore further here, is: How do we maintain our humanity in a world of projection?

Quick note before we begin! As a homage to the following meme shared by Burke, which served as the catalyst for this essay, I’ve used a few of my favorite lines from Yesteryear as the titles for the three subsequent sections:

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“Sometimes the love of strangers is much more terrifying than the hate.”

One of the things I admired most about Famesick was how open and honest Dunham was about her own journey with fame. More specifically, how honest she was about the illusion of likability. While many saw her as someone who marched to the beat of her own drum, she admits she spent years doing what she thought others wanted her to do. She suffered the consequences of that, but she was ultimately able to build a fulfilling life for herself. While I don’t know her personally, I’d venture to guess that this was possible because she possesses a core sense of self.

On the flip side, what was so fascinating and well-observed about Yesteryear was how Burke used “tradwife” influencer Natalie as the unreliable narrator. It wasn’t that she was unreliable because she was lying about cold, hard facts (i.e. when she got married, when she had kids, etc.). Natalie was unreliable as a narrator because she knew she completely lacked a sense of self and she was okay with it, because she was exactly who she wanted to appear to be. Natalie knew what her goal was: to be perceived as good at that lifestyle.

Natalie possessed self-awareness, but not self-knowledge. Unlike Dunham, who finally had the courage and self-compassion to look in the mirror and re-evaluate where she was performing in her own life, Natalie was aware she was performing the entire time. Her internal dialogue—specifically the moments when she’d catch her mask slipping and recalibrate to respond not with authenticity, but with what she knew would be received best—felt disturbingly familiar to me.

Working in Hollywood, I frequently watched people do the same thing in real time, out loud. Oftentimes, they didn’t even know they were doing it. I saw firsthand how dangerous that kind of constant recalibration can be. If you constantly monitor yourself through how you’re perceived, the performance will become automatic until, eventually, you’ll stop noticing the gap between who you are and who you’ve learned to perform.

In an earlier Love Letter, I noted how “religion promises certainty” because we fear the unknown. It promises stability, but the idea of eternal stability is ultimately a delusion. That’s why Yesteryear works as such a brilliant commentary on how “tradwife” culture has mutated into a form of performance with real consequences. It understands that tradition and religion often get conflated—not because they’re the the same, but because both can hold a similar kind of power over people.

To be clear: I do not think there is anything inherently wrong with tradition or religion in their purest forms. The problem arises when they become substitutes for one’s identity altogether.

I completely understand the draw of tradition and religion; both offer the promise of stability, identity, and belonging. Who doesn’t want those things? These kinds of promises can be attractive because we’re all desperate for meaning, but if they’re embraced as a way to avoid uncertainty rather than accept it, that stability, identity, and belonging will just morph into another type of performance.

The same can be said for awards in Hollywood. While I had personal clients, I also specialized in awards campaigns. There is something genuinely meaningful about helping an artist get recognized for their work, but recognition and freedom often don’t go hand in hand in showbiz. If you’re not in the industry, you’d understandably assume that winning an Oscar guarantees career longevity. Sometimes it does, but that’s never certain.

Instead, the much more frequent outcome is that the award-winner will be confronted with a whole new set of expectations. They become associated with a certain level of prestige, kind of work, or particular version of themselves that the industry and audiences expect them to perform. Indefinitely. And, in the more severe cases, the award itself becomes the thing they’re pursuing, shifting the focus from the filmmaking process to chasing the high from winning again, which is impossible to ever recreate in the exact same way. Next thing you know, the work is guided by what might be rewarded instead of creative expression.

In Hollywood, recognition can open doors, but it can also become a kind of prison. For me, it got to a point where the paradox of awards campaigns became one of the things I found impossible to compartmentalize. The moment I asked myself, “When does it stop being art?” was the moment I knew it was no longer healthy for me to continue in that line of work.

It’s human to be afraid of the unknown, but that humanity can erode if you don’t do the hard work to try to develop a sense of self that’s sturdy enough for you to be able to live with uncertainty. If you’re not able to do that, you’ll find yourself wanting the feeling of identity, belonging, and stability without having to make sacrifices, challenge the status quo, or sit in the uncomfortableness of ambiguity—or, in the case of fame, anonymity. That kind of life works for many people, but it’s not fulfilling enough to me to make the sacrifices that would be necessary to maintain that lifestyle.

In Yesteryear, Burke wrote: “Do you honestly think there are no consequences to performance?” Natalie’s story is a cautionary tale in that way: she never develops an authentic sense of self, she just becomes really good at performing one. And to me, there is no consequence more bone-chilling than losing oneself completely.

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“People aren’t so different from pigs, apparently.”

In a therapy session once, I compared fame to the Ring in The Lord of the Rings—or, more specifically, to Gollum’s obsession with “My Precious.” The Lord of the Rings is a story about many enduring themes, addiction being one of them. Fame can become a form of addiction, as well. And addiction is an illness. And just like Sam couldn’t carry the Ring for Frodo, no one can carry the burden of fame for you. And if you’re not careful to surround yourself with the right people, it’s shockingly easy how quickly you can end up like Natalie did in Yesteryear, with a heart that’s “a wet, dead thing in [your] chest.”

In the decade I spent in proximity to fame and celebrity, I saw what it did to others, and I felt what it did to me whenever I ignored my body’s signals. I watched one too many fully-grown adults throw public temper tantrums because they weren’t thanked in an awards show speech, for example. To be clear, though, it is possible to maintain one’s authenticity and humanity whilst building an image; it’s once that brand is established where the real test begins. In many ways, the women at the center of these two books represent opposite outcomes of their struggles with being in the spotlight.

I’ve heard Lena Dunham talk about “Spoiled Pig Syndrome” before. The idea is quite simple: if you give pigs a treat without asking them to do a trick for their treat, they become spoiled. To me, celebrity functions the same way. There are a million temptations to seek validation, attention, and approval every day for all of us, but especially in an industry where likability is a form of currency. If you have it, you’ll be given treats without being asked to do a trick, and that instant gratification is addictive.

If you enter the industry because you dream of making the art you believe in, you imagine success will eventually afford you the freedom to do exactly that. But once you reach the top, assuming you’ve managed to maintain a soul on the way up, you’ll be disheartened to learn that kind of freedom is often an illusion. Not always, but often.

The expectation then becomes: “Make more of whatever made you likable in the first place.” Or worse: “Make something likable,” and when you ask what they mean by likable, they simply say, “Uh…something everyone likes?”1 Before long, the people and the art begin to drift further and further from authenticity.

When one’s celebrity outpaces their self-knowledge, it’s inevitable that their sense of identity will become fragile. As Burke writes in Yesteryear: “People aren’t so different from pigs, apparently. Once they learn a rotten thing can be eaten, they will eat it, and then they will become addicted to it. They will let it drive them mad.”

What I found to be so moving about Famesick is that Dunham seems to have found a way to resist this. Her writing reflects someone who has fought to preserve her selfhood despite living in a world built on projection.

People love to say, “This is what they signed up for,” when they’re talking about celebrities without any context or nuance. Yet those same people continue to speculate, monitor, and engage with several aspects of their lives—which, because of social media, is often done without consent. I still have those impulses, too, and sometimes I get swept up in them, but I stop myself whenever I realize I’m doing it. Because I know what it feels like to try having an intimate meal while strangers are zooming in on you with their phones, making it impossible to stay present in the conversation because the restaurant suddenly feels more like a zoo—and, surprise, you’re the animals! And if you’re the one sitting with the zoo animals, there’s nothing you can do to stop them from feeling violated, because our social media culture makes it so that asking the phone-zoomers to stop isn’t worth the risk. So, while I can understand the “this is what they signed up for” of it all, I will always challenge it when I hear someone say that. Because the truth is, none of us fully know what we’re signing up for until we’re living it.

Society treats fame as a privilege. While there are undoubtedly privileges that come with it, the patterns I observed over my decade in Hollywood suggest the opposite. Further, our culture still has a ways to go in terms of readily accepting that a woman can still experience pain once she’s become successful by society’s standards. When our culture is encountered with a successful woman who claims to be in pain, it asks the questions famously sung by Britney Spears in Lucky:2

“She is so lucky, but why does she cry?
If there is nothing missing in her life
Why do tears come at night?”

Uh, have you tried listening to her, or not judging her while she’s trying to articulate a pain she’s never felt before and thus does not have the right words for yet? In the case of Lena Dunham’s very long journey of trying to articulate her very personal pain during a time in her life that was perceived as the ultimate privilege, the answer to that question was, for a long time, no.

By contrast, Natalie justifies her continued suppression of her own humanity by clinging to the story of Lot’s wife in the Bible. To her, the story confirms that looking back on one’s past is a moral failure. And because that narrative enables her to continue performing a sense of self, she never re-evaluates it.

In my case, looking back on the time I spent in Hollywood was anything but a failure. It became a necessary act of recognition, which then empowered me to re-examine what the world demands of celebrity with newfound clarity. Sure enough, as Dunham so perfectly put it: “A little taste of fame makes us all sick.”

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“America hates women. What a comfort.”

I’m currently reading The Many Lives of Marilyn Monroe by Sarah Churchwell for my mythology book club. This was a conscious decision on my book club’s part—we all agreed that myths aren’t just ancient stories, they can also be the narratives we build around people. Churchwell writes that “the icon is a trademark of itself, a person turned into a brand.” Marilyn Monroe participated in creating her own image, then spent the rest of her life trying—and failing—to escape it, because “the stereotype proved far stronger than she.”

That passage brought me back to Britney Spears’ memoir, which came out around the same time that I left the industry. I’d gone to Europe to do some solo soul-searching, and I remember walking the streets of Amsterdam crying as I listened to Michelle Williams narrate it. What struck me was how quickly a woman can become an image—or, in the case of celebrity, a brand—and how resistant our culture is to letting her ever become a person again. The culture around fame can turn people into myths that are, as we’ve seen in both Marilyn’s and Britney’s cases, near impossible to escape. While criticism—when given and received with integrity—is vital to the makeup of our society, what Britney Spears faced was relentless scrutiny that gave her little-to-no space to grow or recover herself.

I became curious about older reviews of Britney’s albums, so I looked through a few. In one, a critic called her “hardly the first not-terribly bright teenager to approach self-knowledge via the words of others,” and the closed-mindedness of that observation made me sad. Not just for Britney, but for the critic, because the irony seemed so obvious to me. We all revert to a version of our teenage selves in our hardest moments. Often, it’s through the words of others that we find solace, or language for experiences we haven’t been able to articulate ourselves. So why should a pop star with a pop song be taken any less seriously?

That question reminded me of my years in celebrity PR, which is another female-dominated profession that’s routinely underestimated. In Hollywood, everyone dismisses PR until there’s a crisis. A thankless job dripping in irony, publicists are simultaneously the first ones to be demeaned and the first ones to be called.

To be an effective publicist, you have to understand that perception functions much like gravity does: once an image or a brand has been built, it begins to pull reality toward itself. This fascinated me about the work in the first place, and ultimately, it’s what made me leave it.

There’s a saying that “all press is good press.” In my experience, that saying is deeply untruthful. I used tell my clients that what you say “no” to is just as important as what you say “yes” to, and what Yesteryear and Famesick reminded me is that the same is true of identity.

We’re brought up by a society that has conditioned us to believe women deserve less. Our culture is riddled with signals discouraging women to say no, telling them they need to be accommodating, likable, and available. Which in turn stuffs them into stereotypes before they can fully form frontal lobes that would give them a fighting chance at building their own sense of self. (Insert America Ferrera’s Barbie monologue here).

We all have internalized misogyny that’s deeply rooted enough to take our entire lifetimes to completely unlearn. Whether you consciously believe all those messages isn’t the point. Whether someone chooses to do the work to continue trying to unlearn it is what I’m interested in.

Dunham writes “pain is personal.” Someone’s truth is also personal. When you’re not aligned with your truth, you know it; sometimes, your body knows it before your mind can catch up. In Lena Dunham’s case, that resulted in physical symptoms she tried to ignore until she couldn’t anymore. Ultimately, she was able to heal in her own ways, whereas Natalie felt it, continued to ignore it, and suffered the ultimate consequences. Interestingly, both of these women represent stereotypes that our culture loves to underestimate and isolate: in Yesteryear, it’s the “tradwife”; in Famesick, it’s Lena Dunham’s name, which became a brand in itself at the height of a show she was making in her twenties.

I believe that if we resist participating in a performance that isn’t aligned with our personal truth, then we can protect the human soul underneath it. Therefore, if America does indeed hate women like Natalie suggests it does, then perhaps a woman’s pain isn’t evidence that something is wrong with her. Perhaps it’s evidence that she refused to disappear into an image. Or a brand. Or a stereotype. While this can be disheartening to think about from a societal perspective, on a personal level, achieving that kind of self-knowledge can be quite a comfort.

When stories become stereotypes, when human beings get hardened into brands, it can become a prison of sorts. Luckily, the stories that can help us to recognize and recover ourselves are the ones that can offer us a path to freedom. That’s what storytelling rooted in truth does. It makes you look within and reflect. And hopefully, that reflection allows you to recognize yourself before you wake up one day to find you’re trapped inside a story that isn’t yours. As I reflected on my complicated relationship with fame, it was through the words of others—Famesick, Yesteryear, and, crucially, Britney Spears’ Lucky—that I was given the opportunity to approach my own self-knowledge. And I, for one, am so grateful!

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Happy Endings

While many parts of Famesick made me sad, I found its ending to be genuinely hopeful. I was particularly moved when reading the following:

“I have found a way to do this job I love. Hollywood's culture has always been permissive toward everything but human frailty. Cruelty in the name of achievement was considered justified, but stopping in the name of grief or pain or simply fatigue was not. I finally started to believe that being honest, kind, and passionate was enough, and that I was allowed to ask for what I needed that I could make things and still survive. If someone responds with judgment or mounts new demands because of my limitations, I know to move with purpose in the other direction."

One of the most resonant themes of Famesick for me was that it’s about freedom. For Lena Dunham, freedom is the ability to continue to create in much healthier ways. Her dream job. And that gave me a lot of hope, because I’ve had the jobs “a million girls would kill for,” the dream jobs. And while the recurring themes I observed over my decade in the industry contributed to why I ultimately stepped away from it, I wouldn’t take any of those experiences back. Because without that decade in my rearview, I wouldn’t have been able to reflect in a way that’s allowed me to develop the language for how I define my dream, which has always had little to do with achieving “success” by society’s standards.

For me, freedom is the dream. Freedom to create in ways that serve the soul while honoring my limitations. Freedom from thinking about perception in the unhealthy ways demanded by the industry. Freedom to create the space I need to think clearly. Freedom to make room for play and surround myself with people who understand its importance. Freedom to be perceived without fear of being misunderstood. Freedom to maintain my own humanity by continuing to stay porous, make mistakes, learn from them, and try to give myself and others grace along the way. Freedom to just exist.

The ending of Yesteryear had a different yet equally moving message about freedom. As the novel had been told entirely through Natalie’s POV, it took me by surprise to learn that the ending was written in the voice of her daughter, Mary.3 Because of Natalie’s unreliability as a narrator—by that point, any shred of her credibility had been expertly upended by Burke—and because of what the book had to say about how performance can erode one’s humanity, this was a perfect ending. A disturbingly traumatic experience reclaimed and put to rest with love:

“There’s a lot about our life that makes me sad, but do you know what makes me the saddest, Mama? How much beauty you’ve missed. Because it really is beautiful: this future you prayed we would never get the chance to see. But that’s something I’ve learned in the years since I left the ranch: You cannot change people who refuse to be changed. You can only love them. So here it is, all the love I have to give, pressed into the pages of this book. I hope you read this book one day, all the way to the end, because as it turns out, the place where your life ends is exactly where mine begins: the moment when I saw the world and wanted every part of it.”

Though I have a completely different life experience to Mary, reading those words felt like I was reading my own inner dialogue from times I’ve reflected on some of my past experiences in showbiz, ones that exposed the darker side of human behavior. It makes me sad to think about the people who continually choose to miss out on all the true beauty life has to offer, because the higher priority for them is to continue getting on the list for after parties where the person talking to you isn’t actually talking to you, but rather, always looking past you to see who else is in the room.

While plenty of famous people use their platforms and influence for good, our culture needs to learn to talk about that with more nuance. Otherwise, in Hollywood’s case, those who started out with goals of simply partaking in the process of creating will continue to get swallowed by an industry full of people with results-driven goals of attaining status, recognition, awards, or power. That’s what I’ve seen get people time and time again. And that will always be sad to me, but I’ve learned how to stop that sadness from overwhelming me to a point where being present in my own life isn’t possible.

Still, I try not to say “what really matters,” because at the end of the day…capitalism. Paying rent matters. Putting food on the table matters. Learning how systems work matters. But economic realities aren’t an excuse to consciously repeat patterns that harm others. That’s not “showbiz, baby.” It’s lazy, it’s inconsiderate, it’s cowardly, and it’s a failure to put in the effort to find better solutions.

The point isn’t to reject the world. The point is to learn how to move through it without sacrificing our humanity. For me, that started with re-examining what I chose to celebrate, and how those choices were reinforcing outdated beliefs that went against my inherent personal values. Whether it’s celebrity, traditions that uphold outdated patriarchal values, or systems that define power in all the wrong ways, I believe we’re overdue for a collective regroup on what our culture chooses to celebrate. This is what I mean when I say we need to stop praising fame and start telling the truth about it, because what we celebrate communicates a lot to us about our identities and values.

You can choose to begin building a life that aligns more with your core values at any point. If you’ve lost parts of your identity, they can be recovered. It’s not going to be easy, but it will probably be the best thing you ever do for yourself, because as Toni Morrison once wrote, “You are your best thing.” The day you wake up and say to yourself, “My idea of a meaningful life looks very different to what others prioritize, and that’s okay. I’m willing to walk into the unknown, even though it scares me, because the alternative of never exploring it scares me even more. I know this may change how people see me, but their perception of me is neither something I can control nor something I want to.” That’s the day you’re free.

Not my farm, not my pigs.

What you’ll find in this Loving Lately List: TV recos (one that made me nearly pop an eye vessel from laughing so hard, and one that remains one of my favorite shows I’ve watched in the last year), friends doing Very Important things (having fun with life), Very Important Progress my dad made on his tomatoes, an all-timer of a Jeff Goldblum interview, DIY successes that have made me feel like Girl Who Is Going To Be Okay [in this economy], my new go-to summer PJs courtesy of Paige DeSorbo, and more. Enjoy!

My dad’s tomato progress

A few months ago, I was watching This Is a Gardening Show in my parents’ living room. My dad happened to walk by as I was watching a scene in which a woman was teaching Zach Galifianakis a great trick to growing tomatoes. I don’t remember what the trick was, because that wasn’t the important takeaway from that moment. The important takeaway was that my dad, a man from a certain generation, took what this woman said seriously, went outside, and adjusted his own tomato garden accordingly. This week, his first tomato came in. It was both delicious and hearty! Look what happens when men drop their egos and listen to women!!! Proud of you, Dad!

As evidenced above: when I asked him for a photo of the tomato for my Substack, in typical Zehmer fashion, he went above what was asked of him. In this case, that was photographing said tomato next to an egg, for scale.

My olive manicure

What I love about free will is you can give yourself a manicure to make your nails look like olives whenever you please!

My friend Brandon’s baking Instagram account

My friend Brandon Boyd is a cis hetero male with an Instagram account solely dedicated to sharing his self-taught baking journey, and I think that’s freakin’ rad. It is such a delight anytime I see a new post on my feed—I was particularly jazzed when he first introduced donuts to his repertoire!

One of the many things I love about this account is that he shows vulnerability and honesty when detailing his learning experiences, because to me, that demonstrates the right kind of values. While I can appreciate a beautiful bake (of which there are many on this account), I find it so much easier to connect with and feel invested in things like this when it feels like there’s an actual human being on the other end. Boyd, you’re real mensch!!!

My friends at Mamma Mia! The Party

One of the things I absolutely have to do before my spirit leaves this body is go to Mamma Mia! The Party—which is exactly what it sounds like: an immersive live dinner theater with an ABBA-scored story. It’s crucial that you go to Mamma Mia! The Party with the right people. You can’t just go with anyone. The people you go to Mamma Mia! The Party with have to really get it—“it” being the genius of all things ABBA—and they have to be down to dance. In slide 3, you’ll find a video of my friends dancing at their recent trip to Mamma Mia! The Party. I’m not even jealous when I watch it, because it makes me very happy that they did it right.

Below the paywall: the show that made me nearly laugh myself into a coma, a sweet trailer for a movie I’m excited about, an all-timer of a Jeff Goldblum interview, DIY successes that have made me feel like Girl Who Is Going To Be Okay [in this economy], my new go-to summer PJs courtesy of Paige DeSorbo, and more!

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What you’ll find in this Loving Lately List: Good Capitalism (aka The Odyssey popcorn buckets), my unhinged film club’s latest pick, my favorite Harrison Ford press interview to rewatch whenever I need a mood boost, my new favorite meditation app, my favorite Bravo recap podcast, a Miss Piggy-inspired license plate, Very Important Investigative Journalism by way of the quest to find London’s coldest martini, Love Island UK’s unapologetic feminist, an update on my journey with daily Snapple Facts, and more.

Multiple Phile 13 Club Member shoutout’s in this one! Enjoy!

Alison Hammond’s This Morning interview with Harrison Ford and Ryan Gosling

It’s years old, but I return to this video about once a month, usually during the week leading up to my period during which I enter a brief but powerful psychosis. The Phile 13 Club Instagram follows exactly 13 accounts, one of them being a Harrison Ford fan page. That’s how much I love this man. There’s simply nothing better than a curmudgeonly Harrison Ford…until you hear his laugh in this.

These press junkets are long slogs of days, sometimes weeks of saying the same talking points over and over again, and the fact that he happened to hit that inevitable moment of delirium in the presence of our lord and savior Alison Hammond? It’s a gift to us all!

The Odyssey popcorn buckets

These are an example of Good Capitalism, of which there aren’t many. So let’s just enjoy it, shall we? And everyone go see The Odyssey—IN IMAX, MAMA—first and foremost because it stars a Phile 13 Club Member, Himesh Patel! Slay queen!!!

Also, how amazing is this video? Christopher Nolan showing the IMAX popcorn bucket to his cinematographer, Hoyt van Hoytema.

This video of Ludwig Göransson explaining how he scored The Odyssey

I just don’t think there’s anyone cooler than Ludwig Göransson, I really don’t. He talks about how he had to get out of his comfort zone for this one, which is an approach that always opens up such unbelievable possibilities when making art. I watched a TON of videos like this when Sinners came out, and I just really appreciate how he tapped into the historical elements of the time periods for each of these films. I mean, he used an aulos and a lyre for The Odyssey. That freakin’ rules.

Also, the video of him breaking down how they figured out how to live record one particular piece of music in Oppenheimer is SICKENING, dolls!!!

My unhinged film club, which we named after the video in which Anne Hathaway is telling a swarm of Italian fans and paparazzi to “calma”

I started a film club with a few friends. We always do our meetings at my friend Erica’s house. When I walked into her house for our very first meeting, her two corgis gave me a very prolonged, very vocal greeting. So, I responded like any normal person would: I told them to “calma.” Erica had no idea what I was referring to. So, I showed her the sensational video of Anne Hathaway—whom I love—telling a swarm of Italian fans and paparazzi to “calma.” Naturally, when deciding what our club would be called, we merged two cultural canon moments; one being that video, the other being the famous Nicole Kidman AMC ad where she says “we come to this place for magic.” So, our club is called We Come To This Place For Calma.

Ahead of each meeting, we always choose a theme. Every member comes prepared with their personal submissions adhering to the theme, which we discuss before making our decision. Life isn’t about winning, and neither is this club, but this was the first time I won, aka my submission got selected. And we had a BLAST watching The Emperor’s New Groove through this lens, lemme tell ya! And yes, it does say “I dreamed a dream of time gone bi” next to Les Mis.

I might make this the final Phile 13 Club Chat prompt for Pride Month?

The fact that Anne Hathaway is starring in the film adaptation of Yesteryear, by Caro Claire Burke

While I’m not done with this book yet, the fact that my calma queen Anne Hathaway is starring in the film adaptation has added a really fascinating layer to my reading experience. I didn’t actually realize ’s Yesteryear2 was the book she’d optioned until I was about 20 pages in—and once I did, I was instantly more engaged. This is not to say that the writing isn’t good—Burke is extremely gifted in writing descriptive prose, in particular—but the subject matter isn’t breezy!

In an attempt to avoid spoilers, I’ve stayed away from the discourse online about this; but I’m aware it’s happening. From what I’ve gathered, people seem to be frustrated that none of the characters are very likable? Even though I haven’t actually finished the book yet, it seems quite clear to me that that’s…the…point? And, if I may add, is it not a testament to the author’s abilities as a writer that I’m halfway through and thoroughly engaged with a story that doesn’t have “likable” characters?

Anyway, Yesteryear was a big swing on Caro Claire Burke’s part, and she has my respect for that alone. It’s an excellent premise, and one that could’ve easily gone wrong in a lesser writer’s hands. She has a clear control of her voice—the injections of humor throughout are still managing to give me a pleasant shock—and I’m enjoying the payoff of getting to the first “twist,” if you will, because the pace hasn’t stopped since. I really can’t wait to see how they adapt this.

Locksmith Girl of NYC

When I was in NYC last month, I spent a weekend upstate with a group of girls celebrating my dear pal M.E.’s birthday. While I knew a few of them already, I made a lot of new friends, many of which are now paid subscribers!!! (If that’s not girlhood, idk what is!)

While the weekend itself was cup-filling, what’s been a lovely perk has been the maintenance of the group chat, which has continued through the last month. One day, Jazzi—one of the girls in the group chat and new Phile 13 Club member—shared her very good experience with Locksmith Girl, who I immediately recognized from TikTok. While I would’ve shared this anyway, it was important to me to do so above the paywall, since I have a good chunk of NYC subscribers that deserve to have awareness of this queen!

Here’s what her website says:

Founded by Sahar, Locksmith Girl was built with one goal in mind: making people feel safe and comfortable when they need help the most. After working in the locksmith industry for years, Sahar noticed that many women felt uncomfortable calling male technicians late at night or inviting strangers into their homes during vulnerable situations. Locksmith Girl was created to change that.

We love!!!

Below the paywall: a shoutout to one of my favorite scenes in a non-Widow’s Bay TV show this year, an update on my journey with daily Snapple Facts, my new favorite meditation app, my favorite World Cup news from this week, a Miss Piggy-inspired license plate, a sensational Miss Piggy-inspired YouTube compilation, Love Island UK’s unapologetic feminist, my favorite Bravo recap podcast, Very Important Investigative Journalism by way of the quest to find London’s coldest martini, latest Trader Joe’s reco, and more.

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"When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.”1

What made this joke always stick out in my mind was the audience’s reaction. Everyone in that room seemed shocked—not at the information about this famous director’s character that was being presented, but shocked that she said it. Even before I began working in Hollywood, watching this moment immediately communicated to me that this was a pretty well-known open secret amongst those in the industry.

I never really cared to learn more about him after that. Fast forward thirteen years, as I began to outline this Love Letter, I had to remind myself that the central question here was not: Is James Cameron an asshole?

Not long into my research, I was surprised to find myself completely captivated by the sheer volume of fascinating info about Jimmy C. Realizing this could easily get away from me if I didn’t focus, and quick, I narrowed my options down to two main sources.

The first was a conversation from Variety’s Directors on Directors series between him and Greta Gerwig, which they did while she was promoting Barbie. Typically, both people are in the same room for these conversations—but James Cameron isn’t typical. He called in from the sea.2

The second was a physical copy of an issue of Cinefex Magazine from December 1997, which I stumbled upon one day in a bookstore I’d gone into just to browse around. I’d been familiar with the magazine from my years doing awards PR, specifically for “below the line”3 categories, so when I saw that Cinefex—a quarterly journal that covered visual effects in film—had dedicated an entire issue to Titanic, I had to have it.

I’d heard the stories about how Cameron had made twelve dives down to the actual Titanic and convinced the studio to build an entirely new studio facility from the ground up to accommodate the production’s massive scale—which, if you get around to it, is an utterly enthralling story, complete with respect and understanding of the necessity of good publicity to a film’s success. So, I thought, You know what? Let me see what else this crazy little girl got up to.

To state the obvious: the film I’ve chosen to center this little ditty around is Titanic (1997). While James Cameron’s filmography is extensive, a recent rewatch of that specific movie served as the catalyst for this Love Letter in the first place.

So, much like Jack had to die in order for Rose to live out the fullest life she could—don’t worry, I am not engaging in any door debates here—it was really the only option.

I’ve seen Titanic more times than I can count, but I suppose I was meant to experience what I can only describe as divine intervention on that specific rewatch on that specific day. It was as though God herself dropped a question directly into my brain, one I’d never even come close to considering before: Is James Cameron a…feminist?

Listen, it shocked me, too. Rest assured, though, my exploration of this question was taken with a titanic pinch of salt water.

Welcome aboard Love Letter #5, which I’ve dedicated to the fifth most significant JC in human history (after Jesus Christ, Jennifer Coolidge, Julius Caesar, and JC Chasez): my favorite crazy little girl,4 James Cameron.

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Crazy Little Girl JC

Before he made Titanic, James Cameron was known as the sci-fi guy. Already with Aliens and the first two installments of The Terminator under his belt, his films were ones society would firmly file under “movies for boys.”5

Titanic is a cinematic marvel in every sense of the word. Its technical achievements cannot be understated—which is typically a qualifier assigned to “movies for boys.” But it is also a very romantic movie—which is typically a qualifier assigned to “movies for girls.” In fact, the perception of this film in particular began to slowly erode only when it became clear how much Titanic meant to girls—but I’ll get to that in a bit.

Given how technical of a magazine Cinefex was, I was pleasantly surprised to see Cameron’s initial vision for telling the story of Titanic laid out on the very first page:

“I figured the best way to get in touch with the emotion of the event would be to take one set of characters and tell the story as a love story—because only by telling it as a love story can you appreciate the loss of separation and the loss caused by death. To me, what happened to the Titanic is inherently romantic in the darkest sense of the word. Certainly it’s not the greatest tragedy of the twentieth century, but it’s one that has a great effect upon us because of its emotionality, its poignancy. So I came up with the idea of an ill-fated love story.”

While this feels like a no-brainer now, it was a massive risk for Cameron to pitch this film as a “Romeo and Juliet on that ship.” This was the right intuition—because the disaster was so large in scale and historical impact, it needed an emotional anchor (I swear that pun is not intended). But, as I’ve learned firsthand, getting a studio to give you money to take a real artistic risk is about as rare as the Heart of the Ocean.

Like, can you guys believe Greta Gerwig had to fight as hard as she did to keep the park bench scene Barbie? IT’S THE TITULAR ROLE. (Unfortunately, I can.)

Greta Gerwig pulled off a similarly-sized risk with Barbie—perhaps the most widely-accepted “movie for girls”6 ever made. I was pleasantly surprised by how generous—in a seemingly-genuine, non-performative way—James Cameron was with Greta Gerwig when discussing this. At one moment, he outright asks her, “Do people see Barbie for the risk that it was?”

But here’s the real kicker. After that, James Cameron does something quite crazy: he actually listens and doesn’t interrupt her. And this curious behavior continued throughout the rest of the conversation. Imagine!

Strong Female Characters

The phrase “strong female characters” always makes me ever-so-slightly cringe whenever I encounter it. While this trope was initially established as a reaction to sexist typecasting, it’s only evolved into becoming another shallow, limiting trope. “Strong female character” conflates “strength” with physical dominance, and it does so without nuance—which, to me, is not very feminist.

When I was doing research for this Love Letter, James Cameron’s “strong female characters” were brought up a lot in his interviews. But much to my surprise, the more I saw how he addressed the trope in his answers, the less I reacted with my usual knee-jerk cringe-when-you-hear-it.

In his Directors on Directors conversation with Greta Gerwig, he posited:

“In your films, they’re not overtly, or at least initially, strong people apparently. They find an inner strength as they go along. They’re wanting to be heard and they’re not heard. This is true across all three films, and they ultimately settle into their authentic life by the end. And that’s a strength that I think certainly women, everybody should be able to relate to that. But certainly I think women relate to that.”

While neither of them actually said the words “feminine mystique” in that moment, it resonated immediately for me with the foundational themes of Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique: the illusion is deconstructed through a messy, fluid process of un-learning self-actualization. It’s an ongoing transformation about a human with delusions—which, to me, is much more representative of authentic strength.

In Titanic, the first time Jack meets Rose is when she’s trying to die; over the course of the film, she evolves into someone who, when faced with certain death, fights to live. In Barbie and Ladybird, both protagonists’ stories are bookended in similarly poignant ways: Ladybird quite literally flings herself out of a car to get away from her mother, who is the first person she calls at the end of the film; Barbie ultimately chooses to give up her perfectly static life to become a flawed, mortal human. All of these characters found the inner strength as they went along, versus obtaining one set goal—which are the kinds of journeys that tend to resonate more with me.

When it comes to storytelling devices, I strongly prefer the feminine mystique over the hero’s journey. But I’d never been able to exactly articulate this until I read The Carrier Bag Theory of Fiction by Ursula K. Le Guin. The way Le Guin addressed the concept of the hero’s journey felt like the first time I’d seen my exact feelings about this topic articulated onto the page:

“Maybe the restless ones who didn’t have a baby around to enliven their life, or skill in making or cooking or singing, or very interesting thoughts to think, decided to slope off and hunt mammoths. The skillful hunters then would come staggering back with a load of meat, a lot of ivory and a story. It wasn’t the meat that made the difference. It was the story…That story not only has Action, it has a Hero. Heroes are powerful. Before you know it, the men and women in the wild-oat patch and their kids and the skills of the makers and the thoughts of the thoughtful and the songs of the singers are all part of it, have all been pressed into service in the tale of the Hero. But it isn’t their story. It’s his.”

At this point in the Directors on Directors conversation, I was pretty confident that both filmmakers shared my strong preference in storytelling devices as well. Sure enough, moments later, Gerwig outright mentioned the hero’s journey, how it’s about “getting something”:

“But the truth is, it’s about how the hero is changed, not about getting the thing. What you get is the change. And I think I’m always looking for what those moments of transformation are in different guises. I’m interested in women, but I’m just interested in the process of change that occurs when you undertake what seems to be an impossible endeavor.”

What I’m not trying to do here is slander the hero’s journey entirely (Lord of the Rings, I love you forever). What I’m trying to do is slander the patriarchy. I’m a mouse. Duh.

In reading Le Guin, I also learned the first cultural tool was not a weapon, as we’ve come to assume from the earliest cave paintings, but rather, a carrier bag—a vessel for people to bring things they’d gathered back to their villages. Before people became hunters, we were gatherers, instinctually using vessels to nourish each other instead of weapons to, like, bash each other’s heads in, or whatever.

And what’s the most famous vessel? (DON’T say the poop cruise).

THE TITANIC!!! She’s a mouse! Duh!

A Rose by any other name

Titanic is known as a great romantic epic. However, to me, Jack and Rose’s undeniable love story serves as a supporting element to the main arc: Rose’s journey to freedom.

The film effectively cuts between the tension building in Rose’s personal life and the tension building for what the audience knows will be the ship’s fate. What Cameron accomplishes here is a beautiful use of the Trojan Horse—another famous vessel. He knew audiences would go into this with one of two expectations: those who knew his filmography would expect it to be a “boy movie,” and those who were the target audience for romance marketing would expect it to be a “girl movie.” It’s both of those things7—but at its true core, this is a coming-of-age story, which is a compassionate lens through which to see a disaster movie.

As I mentioned earlier, when Rose is finally about to die is the moment she finally wants to live, which is quite a powerful evolution from the Rose we meet at the start. In the beginning, Rose is a caged bird, trapped in her own life with no way out. Like the famous monologue given by America Ferrera in Barbie says,

“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.”

Without Jack, Rose’s arc doesn’t progress. Jack—who is, crucially, a stranger—is the one who sees Rose for her fullness for the first time. He was necessary to the heart of this film, and to Rose’s arc to living her fullest life.

James Cameron agrees. In fact, he agrees so strongly—and was sick and tired of listening to all of this bitchin’ and moanin’—that he commissioned a test to end this debate once and for all. And I, for one, LOVE stunt queen!!!

Like James Cameron in this door debate, Rose never gives up. But, honestly, I don’t think Jack truly does either. Sure, he literally lets go, but he lives his life fully through to the end. She does the same, she just needed more time to do that in the context of her own life.

And it’s what Rose chose to do with her newly-found freedom from her old life that makes this such an epic tale. She could’ve been an eternal victim, but instead, she truly, truly lived. Which is pretty heroic to me.

The Cameron Mystique

Like I mentioned earlier, James Cameron did some crazy things to get Titanic made.

But none of us can say he didn’t care about it.

I mean, he really, really, freakin’ cared about the filmmaking. It’s probably what prompted the infamous “psychadelic chowder” prank on set, but it’s also why his conversation with Greta Gerwig was such a delight to watch—they’re two filmmakers who care about the craft equally as much as they care about the humanity of it all.

Now—does caring a lot about the craft give you an excuse to treat people badly? NEVER.

But, from the accounts I’ve encountered about the filmmaking process on Titanic, it doesn’t seem like he discriminated against a certain gender when he was treating people not…as well as he could’ve. Allegedly.

There was, however, still respect and honor to be doled out by the captain of that set. What became abundantly clear to me quite early on in this process was the fact that James Cameron’s priority throughout the duration of making Titanic was consistent: to respect and honor the passengers.

In the Cinefex issue, Cameron details his second dive down to explore the Titanic—the first was a bust:

“We completed the dive and went back to the ship. I debriefed and did all the technical stuff I had to do, then I went to my room to rest. A wave of sadness swept over me—sadness for the ship and sadness for the people who were on it. Before that day, the Titanic had been abstract for me. It had been a story. It had been a movie. But to actually be there and see the ship and to know from my research the people involved—the ones who survived and the ones who did not—and to have the curse of a vivid imagination,8 it was a pretty overwhelming feeling. I don’t mind admitting that I cried.

After that, I wasn’t quite so gung-ho about charging around and getting shots. In a sense, I felt a little more respectful of the wreck. It sounds goofy, but that’s how I felt…Before that, my sole motivation was a filmmaker’s motivation. But now it was more like, I just want to capture this. I just want to get this on film somehow. And that sort of stayed with me through the whole movie, when we were on the set and reproducing events. My goal was always to capture the spirit of the Titanic.”

This goal is evidence of another very impressive element of Rose’s character development: Cameron was able to accomplish her arc without sacrificing the integrity of not only Rose, but the other characters—most importantly, the real people who were onboard. This is symbolized quite beautifully in the scene where she chucks that thang into the sea, a poignant final gesture to honor her relationship with Jack through to the very end.

This is also symbolized quite beautifully in the film’s depiction of the actual wreck, in which the film does a masterful job of giving Rose and the passengers respect in equal measure. Nearly everyone on board who died was poor, and the film does not sugar coat that just to make it more comfortable for the audience—which, I suppose, does make it a “film for girls,” who bleed out of our vaginas every month and are still expected to look and act completely normal. Titanic demands its audience to pay attention to how everyone on this boat is feeling, giving them dignity instead of leaning on them just to service Rose’s arc.

Did James Cameron take his goal to “capture the spirit of the Titanic” a little too far in practice? While it sounds like the answer is an unequivocal yes, I can understand what drove his Crazy Little Girl-ness, if you will.

And, to his credit, my research produced quite a few instances in which he takes accountability for that publicly. In his conversation with Gerwig, for example, he said,

“I’m a lot more collaborative than I was when I started out because when I started out I had these myths of what my role was. The myth of the auteur—I had the misapprehension of directing being a solo venture.”

From the sounds of it, this does seem to line up with his post-Titanic actions—at least when it came to making Billie Eilish – Hit Me Hard and Soft: The Tour (Live in 3D), which he co-directed with Eilish…which is also not nothing. In talking about that filmmaking process, he said,

“I made a deal with [Billie] and I made a deal with myself that I would never try to prevail in an argument. I would state my case, but I would never seek to use my reputation or whatever to prevail. Because if something was important enough to [Billie] to push back on, it was important for me to understand it…So I made myself this pact that I would always step back from being the top decision-maker.”

And! There’s at least one pretty significant example from the making of Titanic that proves JC’s ability and willingness to change his mind: the greatest song ever written, performed, and used in a film, My Heart Will Go On—the song that almost didn’t happen. He didn’t want a pop song in his film, and Our Lord and Savior Celine Dion had no interest in doing it. To both of their credit, each reconsidered their initial stances, and thank Our Lord and Savior Celine that they did.

(I’d be remiss not to point out that while it took JC twelve trips to the bottom of the sea to get what he needed, she only had to sing it once. One time. Because she’s God.)

While Titanic is a movie for everyone, James Cameron embraces and, crucially, respects the “movie for girls” label. Upon its release, Titanic was taken extremely seriously, treated as the miraculous cinematic achievement that it is. It was the highest-grossing film of its time, with people of all genders and ages part of its audiences. However, once it became clear that one specific demographic, teenage girls, had been driving its repeat viewership, the public discourse around the film began to shift.

As we all experienced with Barbie, when something is heavily associated with teenage girls, people are quick to dismiss its artistic merit and culturally devalue it. Which is, excuse my French, fucking bullshit. This, again, calls Le Guin’s words to mind:

“Maybe the restless ones who didn’t have a baby around to enliven their life, or skill in making or cooking or singing, or very interesting thoughts to think, decided to slope off and hunt mammoths. The skillful hunters then would come staggering back with a load of meat, a lot of ivory and a story. It wasn’t the meat that made the difference. It was the story.”

As someone who spent too many years catering to the egos of powerful filmmakers, most of whom were men, I’ve gotta give him credit where it’s due: at least he’s standing on business in that regard. And always has. He has always embraced this film for what it is, and a huge part of its identity is that it’s a “movie for girls.”

This isn’t to say he doesn’t have an ego—when it comes to his long-rumored intensity on set, he at least seems to be trying to evolve there. This is only to say that I’ve seen a lot of his peers abandon their vision the moment it is challenged or mocked. And when it comes to “movies for girls” in particular, when a respected man is the one doing the standing, that’s not nothing. Because, patriarchy.

One of my favorite anecdotes from the height of the Titanic phenomenon is the story about this little girl in Italy who watched the movie in theaters more than fifty times. It got to a point where the theater just stopped charging her for tickets. James Cameron embodies a lot of that enthusiasm in his filmmaking as well. He’s just in it for the love of the game!!! And the game is to CREATE and FEEL SOMETHING HUMAN!!! And, I think, to GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA!!!

The Verdict

Is James Cameron a feminist? I have no idea, girl! I don’t know him!

On one hand, his relationship history doesn’t look great. On the other, he’s got a pretty compelling list of things that point to yes: including truly strong female characters and evidence of the great lengths he’s gone to protect their integrity, and seemingly-sincere efforts on his part to evolve in the right ways.

As we know, feminism is not “women are better than men.” Feminism is, simply, “equality for all genders.”

A well-known symbol of equality is the zodiac sign Libra. James Cameron has both his Venus and Neptune in Libra in the 12th House. And yeah, you better believe I RAN to look up this crazy little girl’s birth chart!!!

Do his Libra placements mean he’s a feminist? Absolutely not. Do they offer a bit more insight into his obsession with romantic illusions in both his personal and professional endeavors, as well as his obsession with deep-sea exploration? Perhaps.

But at the end of the day, James Cameron respects Celine, and he respects the sea. And that’s good enough for me.

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What you’ll find in this Loving Lately List: More Widow’s Bay love (because I can!), Isabella Rossellini’s relationship with farm animals, perhaps the greatest Apple iPhone feature since autofilling a security code, Cher’s ice cream line, a community that gives a whole new meaning to the “I look like a pencil” line in Fleabag, the Big Three of Love Island UK’s big booking (which reminded me of Shakira’s iconic rant in Season 12), Mother Hubbard’s best Summer House reunion moment, the greatest Sephora employee of all time and the products she used to change my life for good, the new Olivia Rodrigo album, and more!

The Land and Its People by David Sedaris

David Sedaris has long been one of my favorite humorists. I really enjoy his observational style, and the way he weaves it into his writing in ways that make you forget about what he’s observing until you reach the punch line. His new book was no different—honestly, it might de-throne Me Talk Pretty One Day as my favorite of his?! There’s a chapter in which he details his Duolingo experience that made me laugh aloud nearly every other sentence, and another that was such an unexpectedly beautiful meditation on grief that made me cry (shocker). It’s gorge!

The Big Three hosting the newly-rebooted Love Island UK recap podcast

My gorgeous, gorgeous girls stay winning!!! For anyone who has not had the great pleasure of experiencing Love Island UK’s twelfth season yet, these three outstanding women—Shakira, Toni, and Yasmin, also known as “The Big Three”—were the clear breakout stars because of their authenticity and loyal friendships to one another. The trials and tribulations these women endured in the villa that season would’ve broken most people, but their enduring support for each other ensured that they’d only come out stronger—and more popular—than ever. The below video is one of my favorite scenes that encapsulates their special friendship: while it physically hurts me to see Shakira upset, she still manages to deliver perhaps the funniest line of the season. Because she’s a STAR.

Stay tuned for my upcoming Love Letter dedicated to the Love Island Bombshell, which will heavily feature my queen Yasmin!

These flowers that have finally begun to re-emerge in my neighbor’s front yard

I always stop in front of my neighbor’s house to smell these flowers on my daily walks whenever they’re in bloom. I’ve always called them ‘plumerias’, but apparently, the more common name is ‘frangipani.’ I like the way that word sounds much better. It makes me think of something Cher’s dad in Moonstruck would say during an angry rant. I like how the small one in this photo is in a lovely little spiral.

Widow’s Bay getting renewed for a second season

I know that’s FREAKIN’ right!!!!!!

Also, I have had a few people reach out to say that they wanted more people to talk to about this show, so reminder that I started a subscriber chat to kick us off!

So far, I’m the only participant, lol—but rest assured I will keep sending messages there regardless. It’s nice for me to have a place to keep track of all the info. I can’t stress enough how much I don’t know what the HECK is going on with this show—I think it’s about grief and community and…anxiety?—but I don’t think it matters, because hot DAMN, am I loving the ride! Did anyone watch the finale yet?!?!?

This is a space where we do not shame people for not knowing things, this is only a space for celebration!!! I personally would really love to read more interviews with the costume designer, composer, production designer/set dec, cinematographer…really, anything and everything about how they made this show and why they made the decisions they made. I am obsessed. It’s all I care about, and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

ADDITIONALLY! For everyone/anyone who wants to participate, but especially my neurodivergent club members: I’ve started this Google Sheet to track the loose ends—ones we TRUST and KNOW they will tie up—and unanswered questions, etc. Because I have free will and an overactive imagination!1 Shoutout to my friend Taylor (girl, I don’t know how to tag you, but once I learn, I will!) who was the conceptual catalyst. All are welcome to join and NO theory is stupid, except probably some of mine :)

Below the paywall: Cher’s ice cream line, a community brought together by an unlikely source, the greatest Sephora employee of all time and the products she changed my life with, Lindsay Hubbard’s best Summer House reunion moment, Isabella Rossellini’s relationship with farm animals, perhaps the greatest Apple iPhone feature since autofilling a security code, the new Olivia Rodrigo album, and more!

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While these Loving Lately Lists are for paid subscribers, I’m lifting the paywall on this one for two reasons:

1. As Jennifer Garner so poignantly put it in 13 Going on 30, “we NEED to put life back into this magazine!”

2. Like Sandra Bullock declared in Miss Congeniality, “world peace.”

(Zohran Mamdani’s) New York (Mariska Hargitay’s) Knicks

Over the course of the NBA Finals, I’ve SO enjoyed watching Knicks fans remind all of us why NYC is the greatest city in the world. Ironically, a quote by Spurs president Gregg Popovich perfectly sums up why this California girlie just had to dedicate a massive chunk of this list to the Knicks fandom:

"Being able to enjoy someone else's success is a huge thing."

I love seeing my friends happy—but in these tryin’ times? I am ADDICTED to seeing human beings getting so lit up with hope, because good grief, do we all need it!!! And what better city to carry that torch, especially in the year of our Lord Mariska Hargitay’s 2026, than Zohran Mamdani’s New York City?

Without further ado, let’s get celebrating:1

I mean, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, much?

Mariska Hargitay’s New York Knicks

Mariska Hargitay did her one woman show—which I’ve seen, and she is doing CARDIO during the whole thing, ok!!!—then proceeded to sprint to MSG for Game 4. And she made it, because she’s Mariska Freakin’ Hargitay.

Brief aside: In the decade that I’ve known my friend Morgan, Law & Order: SVU has always been her favorite show. She cares about Olivia Benson the way Mariska Hargitay cares about Jalen Brunson. So when she told me that she was going to be on Mariska’s PR team, I almost cried tears of joy for her. That’s all!

This ESPN post-game interview

This made my parents and I belly laugh. How could it not? Dontcha just love when life gives you framing that’s worthy of a network sitcom in the 2010’s?

A reminder that men can be witches, too!

There IS nothing like a love letter!

This incredible homage to Miranda Priestly

In my About page, I noted that I feel the traditional “About the Author” bio format is ineffective at conveying humanity or personality—a good icebreaker to get a more authentic snapshot of someone’s character. My favorite icebreaker question to ask others is, “If you could own any prop from any movie, what would it be?”; and my answer to this question wouldn’t be complete without the cerulean belts from The Devil Wears Prada.

This genius pays an incredible homage to that Miranda Priestly monologue:

Great Scot!

Next up: some very lovable World Cup coverage of Scottish people. They have taken over The Town, aka Joe Mazzulla’s Boston. And it’s beautiful.

The Scots have discovered Sweet Caroline…

…and, perhaps most importantly, the Boston cop slide!

Not in Boston, but still Scotland! And still amazing!

While the entire point of this Substack is to try to change my own mind, there are two things in life I know to be true. First, the ability to laugh at oneself is the key to success. Second, never make a joke if you’re a powerful manifester.

This young lad managed to do both, and went viral because of it. That’s why I’m nominating these two videos for the Excellence in Humor and Irony Award.

Brief context! Since Ireland failed to qualify for the World Cup, this Irish pub in Scotland called Biddy Mulligans made a joke video saying they’d just turn their flags upside down to become an Ivory Coast bar instead, because the Ivory Coast’s flag is the same design as the Ireland flag…just in reverse. This is exactly my kinda joke—which is to say that it is the exact kind of ridiculously stupid (complimentary) joke that accidentally becomes reality once you speak it into existence.

Shot:

Chaser:

This legendary Mexican + Korean linkup

Something that always stuck with me from U.S. history classes was how many times they tried to beat into our skulls that America is “one big melting pot.” And it is!

But! America is, crucially, not the center of the world.2 To support that point, I’m pleased to present: a bunch of videos of Koreans and Mexicans partying together in the streets!

South Korean fans being embraced by Mexican crowds

South Koreans celebrating important elements of another culture…

…and Mexicans doing the same!

Plus, this wholesome father-son video…who’s cutting onions?!?

And, of course, Merlin the Mexican duck

This Japanese man’s ode to free chips and salsa

A Japanese man has has discovered a U.S. staple: bottomless chips and salsa. He wrote about his experience on Twitter,3 and it’s delightful. Here’s what he had to say:

USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving.

Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free.

I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these."

"They just come with the table, man."

They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. bligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner.

This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat.

I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared.

"Did we…?"

"Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless."

Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined.

My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude."

Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man.

I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy.

Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived.

I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most.

Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.

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What you’ll find in this Loving Lately List: More Widow’s Bay love, Knicks fans trolling Elmo, Knicks fans with their pope (Spike Lee), a hilarious new video courtesy of my pope (Keke Palmer), fabulous Tony Awards things, a couple new watch recos, lovely things I’ve seen around my neighborhood, Phile 13 Club Chat love—which is truly, truly making my day every time someone else enters the chat—and more!

Learning that the creator of Widow’s Bay is the same person who tweeted perhaps one of the best tweets to ever twit

This makes literally everything about that show make sense (extremely complimentary). And if you still aren’t convinced to watch the show after learning this? I don’t really know what to say, mama!

Patricia on Widow’s Bay

I simply won’t shut up about this show! You can take the girl out of PR, etc.!!

To me, Patricia—played spectacularly by Kate O’Flynn—is easily the best TV character of the year. Without spoiling anything, there is a very specific moment/cut in Episode 8 that made me positively ROAR with laughter (my mom can corroborate, she was in the other room and heard it). Also shoutout to Betty Gilpin, who’s been one of our greatest actresses and gives us such a gift with her performance in A Bottle Episode That’s Actually Good And Necessary.

Patricia 4ever!!!

This selfie my dad took with Fitz

Fitz1 likes to be up high whenever possible so he can see what we see. And I think that’s fair!

Bob The Drag Queen’s Criterion Closet video

Incredible taste, incredible knit. One of my faves in recent memory!

Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyers

I always forget they have these! But a Trader Joe’s in NYC had a “newsstand” at the entrance, so I picked one up, and I loved how its description was written:

“The Fearless Flyer doesn’t fit neatly into just one category. Is it a newsletter? A catalog? A comic-book? Yes, yes, and perhaps even yes!”

And honestly? Same! Je suis!!!

SNL UK

I finally had a chance to catch up on a few episodes of SNL UK, and I’m really loving it! The cast—which includes the wonderful Emma Sidi, for any real ones aka Starstruck fans out there—is fantastic, fresh, fun, and, crucially, funny. It’s great to have a woman in the Weekend Update chair again…I just feel like it opens up a lot more possibilities that make it even more dynamic to watch!

Historically, my favorite SNL sketches are the ones that skew towards satirizing something about the universal human experience or cultural canon instead of current headlines. So it’s no surprise that this sketch in the Aimee Lou Wood episode has been my favorite so far…and the below comment on the YouTube video only further solidified its ranking:

Cole Escola’s look for the Tony Awards

Tony Award winner Cole Escola’s IMPECCABLE look for this year’s ceremony, where Cats: The Jellicle Ball went home with three trophies. I know that’s right!!!

Cole Escola’s look for Chanel’s Tribeca Festival Arts Dinner

“I mean, it’s a Fritz Bernaise.”

Whitney Leavitt, the star of Love Letter #4 AND The 2026 Tony Awards!!!

Beyoncé once sang, “You know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation.” Never has that been more true for someone than it was for Whitney Leavitt the first 3 seasons of SLOMW.

With her song Flawless, Beyoncé also famously sampled Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TEDxTalk, in which the author said: “We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise you will threaten the man.’”

While this message rings true now more than ever, one couple has become the expectation: Whitney and Connor Leavitt. And I, for one, LOVE that for them.

Pink being 30 Rock at the Tony Awards

Everything is 30 Rock these days. But once in a blue moon, that’s actually not a bad thing. This is a good example of that.

The Phile 13 Club Chat dedicated to Gay Excellence

I feel like I should just start making all of my chats dedicated to a specific element of gay excellence, because this thread has genuinely been giving me life. Thank you to everyone who submitted so far, and if you’re in line to add your two cents to the latest thread, STAY IN LINE!!!2

Below the paywall line: Knicks fans bullying Elmo, Knicks fans with their Pope (Spike Lee), my Pope (Keke Palmer), my favorite microwave button, my go-to Google Maps hack as a gift to Future Me’s, a watch reco for those who want a lighter lift mentally, and more.

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The below includes my takeaways on that absolute killer of a Hacks series finale, Alicia’s Pizza Mamma presentation on RHORI, gay excellence in the form of a few Broadway show recos, proud friend moments, a few joyfully surprising follow-ups to things included in past Loving Lately Lists, some of my fave recent internet finds, and more. Enjoy!!!

Enter the Villa by Anna Peele!!!

Personal bias aside, as someone who has seen every episode of Love Island UK and the last few seasons of US, this was such a fun and informative read! The way she described Camilla of UK Season 3 (an all-timer up there with UK Season 5, one of the best seasons of television ever made, and that includes The Sopranos) made me laugh aloud on a plane. Plus, when you’ve worked in the entertainment industry for long enough, it’s hard to be surprised, yet I learned a bunch of new and interesting things!

But what impressed me the most (yet didn’t surprise me, because I know her) was how none of this felt exploitative in the least. Anna’s perspective was empathetic and the compassion was injected in exactly the right places. You can buy it here!

Personalized awards for pals

For many years, I’ve had the pleasure of being part of a particularly pop-culture-focused group chat with Published Author Anna Peele and our friend Brennan. A tradition we started a few years back was to have our very own annual awards ceremony, in which I hold them hostage via Zoom (1-2 hours) during the holiday break to run through every single nominee in every single category for the entire year.

What started as a running gag for shits-n-gigs has become a beloved staple in our GC’s lore, so to celebrate Anna’s book launch, Brennan and I had an actual award made for her. Watching her open it was easily a 2026 highlight. BTW, getting it made was not only easily accessible, but it was not as expensive as it could’ve been! And that’s New York City, baby!!!

My dog’s joy when I let him sit on my lap so he could put his head out of the car window on the way to the airport

The supportive supporting women on the Summer House Reunion

I’m loving what I’m seeing so far, ladies!!! Lindsay speaking in a language West can understand by calling him “a pathy,” Bailey giving me a reason to incorporate “jackass” back into my repertoire, Dara’s monologue in which she read West DOWN with POISE, Mia saying “I mean, yeah, it’s embarrassing.”

Well done, girls! You were all raised by Lindsay Hubbard!

P.S.!! Since many of you joined the Phile 13 Club after I launched, check out my first Love Letter, which I dedicated to Ciara Miller.

Levi of Summer House having a sense of humor about herself without losing her self-respect or becoming jealous of her best friend

While this wasn’t at the reunion, I’d like to give a special shoutout to Levi of Summer House, who has been living out the inspo for this very Substack by deploying her own irony with an impressive combo of humor and grace.

I also understand that she’s a gamer? Which is…so cool?

And she…isn’t jealous of her bestie Bailey, another cast member on the show who happens to have gotten a lot more air time? Imagine! Love to see girl’s girls—girls who understand it’s not a zero sum game and actually support each other in ways that aren’t performative—winning alongside each other!

Receiving live updates to this Very Important List made by my friend Jordan, who is currently catching up on Summer House in its entirety

It’s never too late to change your life. And it’s never too late to start Summer House! Just look at my friend Jordan. He started the series a mere 5 weeks ago and now has this glorious list—which could only have been made with the knowledge brought on by the very unfortunate yet addictive scandal that’s currently playing out. Never give up on your dreams…but maybe do give up on a failing marriage that, frank(batula)ly,1 should’ve never happened in the first place.

Gay Excellence—Cats: The Jellicle Ball

As mentioned in Love Letter #4, I found Cats (2019) to be an affront to mankind. Luckily, Cats: The Jellicle Ball on Broadway undid all that trauma and then some. Cats competing on the runway of underground Ballroom culture instead of…whatever James Corden was doing…is the only way this show should be seen?! It was one of the most fun nights I’ve had in quite some time—and I’ve been having fun lately—but also very moving! There’s a gorgeous tribute that pays appropriate respects (tons) to the Black, Latino, LGBTQ+ people who paved the way to make Ballroom culture a historically safe community when it first started in Harlem. The only two things I said to my friends during the show were: “I’m going to pass out” (positive); and, “Wait, I get Cats now!”

Suffice it to say that I simply cannot recommend this show enough!!

Gay Excellence—Titanique

I also got to see Titanique, the fever dream of a jukebox musical that parodies Titanic by retelling it through the lens of Celine Dion, who, famously, was not there. I don’t really know what else to say besides telling you that my friend Annie and I were laughing manically the whole time. To be crystal clear, we laughed with the show, not at the show—which opens with I’m Alive. Need I say more? Well, I can’t right now. But watch this space, because I’ll probably find the words by the time I publish my upcoming Love Letter dedicated to James Cameron, a man who respects Celine and the sea in equal measure.

Gay Excellence To Come—the Phile 13 Club Chat thread regarding our favorite examples of Gay Excellence in Culture and Media and Miscellaneous

Speaking of Gay Excellence, I am currently the only person contributing to the Phile 13 Club Chat thread in which I proposed the below. This isn’t me shaming you, this is simply me saying, “in this house, we support gay rights AND wrongs, and what you’re doing is wrong, but I support it.” When I launched this, I said I’d happily have convos with myself in the GC, and I meant it! So I’ll keep submitting!!!

Mariska Hargitay’s lack of acknowledgement of her SVU credits in her playbill bio for Every Brilliant Thing

I also had the opportunity to see Mariska Hargitay in the sweet, lovely Every Brilliant Thing. This is her exact bio from the show’s Playbill. To me, what she’s saying by omitting SVU completely here is essentially, “I don’t even need to say it. You know who I am. I’m that girl.” And she’s right!!!

Another great show that’s worthy of catching if you’re in NYC. A quick 80min straight through—and, conceptually, not not the vision for these Loving Lately Lists!2

Susan Boyle’s new bob

In the words of Charli xcx: I don’t care! I love it!

When my friend Sarina didn’t give me The Hook for reading the lyrics to the Vanderpump Rules theme song at her bachelorette

True to how deeply my pal Sarina is cherished by her friends, there was an abundance of people wanting to toast her at her bachelorette. Much like the Quaker scene in Fleabag, the spirit moved me to stand before I knew what I’d say. What came out was the lyrics to the Vanderpump Rules theme song, which I had to quickly Google and read once I was already standing. Nonetheless, it was received with warmth and love.

Madison from Love on the Spectrum’s bracelets!!!

After alluding to this in an earlier Loving Lately List, I thought, what am I waiting for?! So, I exercised my free will and purchased a few of Madison’s bracelets from her business! I chose red, as it’s her favorite color and I thought she’d like making it, but she’s got plenty more choose from. And they came with this handwritten card!!! :’)

The final episode of Hacks, the best finale of any comedy series (that I’ve seen) in at least a decade

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Much like the experience I had whilst sitting through the movie Cats (2019), watching that TikTok video left me in a state of prolonged shock and horror. Needless to say, I didn’t find myself particularly drawn to Whitney during SLOMW’s first season.

My own personal feelings aside, it was widely agreed upon amongst viewers that the villain of Season One was Whitney. But over the course of the next two seasons, something had changed within me: I grew immensely fond of her. My initial disdain had blossomed into a fondness so strong that before I’d even launched this Substack, I already knew I wanted to dedicate one of the first Phile 13 Love Letters to her.

From the outside looking in, SLOMW feels a bit like a car crash you just can’t look away from; even as an early adopter of “the more cringe, the better” philosophy, even I view the show with a morbid fascination. But beneath the absurdity, there are moments in which their deeply human vulnerabilities shine through, and I can’t help but feel a sense of genuine pity and affection for these women anytime it happens.

The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is one of our defining shows about gender roles, which holds true regardless of whether you dismiss the show without considering this angle or not. Ironically, though, while the women of MomTok claim to be dismantling the patriarchy, their actions tend to uphold it more often than not. But I don’t think it would be entirely fair to blame them for this—after all, the Mormon culture in which they were raised was designed to perpetuate this exact behavior.

Aside from her undeniable star power, what makes Whitney so compelling to me is that she spent the first two seasons of SLOMW in complete denial of the fact that she is one of our greatest living ironists. Which is understandable, given that she spent those seasons working overtime to defend herself against a group of women who seemed to be committed to misunderstanding her—and she really didn’t do herself any favors by doing things like leaving MomTok (hilarious), spending the entire subsequent season trying to come back to the group (also hilarious), only to leave again (hilarious!).

But she has grown leaps and bounds since filming that obscene TikTok from the NICU, and the Mormon wife who now holds the firmest grasp of MomTok’s true mission is actually Whitney. From where I’m sitting, Whitney seems to have the most clear understanding of the group’s initial founding principles, making her highly adept at calling out the blatant hypocrisy of her fellow MomTok members’ actions.

Exhausted from trying and failing to be heard by her fellow MomTok-ians (-ers?), Whitney had no plans to return for Season Three. But that all changed once she heard that Dancing With The Stars would be casting one of the girls from SLOMW. Having danced for years, competing on DWTS was always Whitney’s dream, so this potential opportunity was the reason she returned to SLOMW for Season Three. Despite the persistent and unwarranted flack Whitney received from the other members of MomTok, who criticized her for having the wrong motives for returning, she was always completely upfront about why she was there.

Once she finally did make her return to screen, though, Whitney truly stepped into her own. And by ‘stepped,’ I mean ‘kicked down the door like the Kool-Aid Man’ (complimentary).

That’s why I’ve decided to dedicate Love Letter #4 to Whitney Leavitt, perhaps our greatest ironist since Friedrich Nietzsche.

It’s Whitney, Bitch

When she showed up to film her first scene of Season Three with the rest of MomTok, Whitney wore a shirt that read, “I feel like 2007 Britney.” In doing so, she displayed a true mastery of her own irony that, I believe, earned her a place in history alongside the philosopher and famously great ironist, Friedrich Nietzsche.

While 2007 proved to be a notoriously tragic year for Britney, it’s worth noting that Blackout, the album she released that year, is still her favorite album that she’s ever made. According to Danja, one of the producers behind Blackout, Britney “wanted to stay away from being personal. It’s fun, it’s basic, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s about feeling good, celebrating womanhood.”

There are a lot of parallels to be drawn here with the Whitney we see in Season Three of SLOMW. Her choosing to show up for her first group scene wearing that shirt was a harbinger of the woman Whitney would prove herself to be as the season continued: someone who was in control of her own irony and, after spending two long seasons defending herself, finally at peace with being misunderstood.

Nietzsche once wrote, “When you are being misunderstood as a whole, it is impossible to completely correct being misunderstood in any particular instance. We have to recognize that in order not to squander excess energy in our defense.” In getting to a place where she was able to truly accept her new reality without abandoning her ambition, Whitney Leavitt has slowly but surely evolved into the best kind of villain: the one who is having fun.

I’m Mrs. “Oh My God, That Whitney’s Shameless”

While she’s seen much success (in society’s terms) since filming Season Three—a place on DWTS, which parlayed into her starring as Roxie Hart in Chicago on Broadway, as well as starring in a rom-com and leaving SLOMW to launch a production company—the true victory for Whitney was her transcendence from the influences that bogged her down in those early seasons of the show.

The central conflict in the case of Whitney Leavitt vs. Everyone Else can, I believe, be boiled down to two A-words: accountability and ambition.

As you can see from the above video, ‘accountability’ is MomTok’s favorite word to deploy (mostly incorrectly) their arguments against The Defendant in the case of Whitney Leavitt vs. Everyone Else. Ironically, though, aside from Whitney, I have not seen anyone else in MomTok actually be able to accurately define this word—either verbally or through their actions—as clearly as she is able to do.

When the other women accuse Whitney of never taking accountability, I think what they really mean is that they’re offended by her unapologetic display and ownership of her own ambition. This is because, at its core, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is a show about what patriarchy does to women—and men—and their families. So once SLOMW became a big hit, it was only a matter of time before ambition became the driving force of the group’s evolution.

The most fascinating theme for me to watch unfold over the course of the series has been ambition, a theme for which Whitney seems to be the chosen vessel. The most apt reference for me to make the following analogy is Reese Witherspoon’s character Tracy Flick from Election, the 1999 film which I experience as a psychological thriller that just so happens to be funny. Wherever you land on its genre, though, Election is about ambition.

In the film, Tracy is the polarizing antagonist whose desperate yet complex ambition is constantly (and exhaustingly) met with patriarchal opposition. Sound familiar?

Much like I’m attempting to do over the course of my year writing these Love Letters, I’d invite anyone who has a strong adverse reaction to Tracy Flick to take a good, hard look in the mirror and consider how their social conditioning might’ve impacted how they view this character—and ambitious women in general.

What I’m not going to do here, though, is bring this back around to place full blame on the women of MomTok, because their limited perspective on this matter is primarily a function of their Mormon upbringing. (It’s also relevant to note that most, if not all, of MomTok had babies before their frontal lobes could fully develop.)

To me, MomTok’s collective and consistent projection onto Whitney is a symptomatic response to their early conditioning more than anything else. Like Nietzsche said, “One runs to his neighbor because he is looking for himself, and another one does so because he is looking for himself, and another one does so because he wants to lose himself. Your bad love for yourselves turns solitude into a prison for you.”

So, as they reacted to the onslaught of overnight fame, the other members of MomTok toiled away in their self-imposed prisons.1 But where did this leave Our Lady of Irony?

The most clear turning point in Whitney’s trajectory towards superstardom was her showing at the Season Two reunion wearing a tiara. After growing weary of watching Whitney try and fail to resist and escape misunderstanding, I saw this as an expertly ironic gesture. While this clear acknowledgement of her own irony seemed to fall on blind eyes—not sure if that’s a saying, but the “deaf ears” one didn’t seem to make sense in this context—as Shakespeare once wrote, “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.”

There are certain personalities that repeatedly find themselves at the intersection of controversy, projection, admiration, and misunderstanding. It’s an inconvenient fate, but not an entirely doomed one—because if you can find a way to learn how to wield the sword of irony, your potential becomes endless. In showing up in a tiara, Whitney proved she could not only survive the projections placed upon her, but she could also weaponize them. From there, her ascent was inevitable.

Her Loneliness Ain’t Killin’ Whit-ney No More!!!

By the start of Season Three, Whitney was grappling in real time with various forms of exile: literal social exile from MomTok (albeit leaving the group chat on her own accord was indeed self-inflicted—and hilarious), as well as the kind of isolation that comes with very sudden fame. That kind of attention is disorienting at best, so it can be an easy thing to lose yourself to if you don’t have the proper support system in place. But with her husband Connor by her side, it’s not hard to see how Whitney has been able to maintain a pretty solid understanding of the machinery of fame without getting sucked into it entirely.

As Nietzsche said, “A good marriage rests on the talent for friendship.” And while most of Whitney’s friendships with MomTok have deteriorated, her relationship with Connor is easily the healthiest and most emotionally evolved partnership in the group.

In comparison to the other members of DadTok, the genuinely demonic husbands of MomTok, Whitney and Connor’s dynamic is striking. Once MomTok took off and made the Mormon wives the primary breadwinners, the husbands in DadTok began to devote most of their energy to reasserting patriarchal power dynamics in their own marriages. In contrast, Connor has consistently shown up for Whitney as an emotionally present and, crucially, secure partner.

From the jump, Connor seemed to be entirely comfortable with the reversal of traditional gender roles in his own marriage, and has since supported Whitney’s success without a moment’s hesitation or visible resentment. DadTok could never—so, honestly, if I were watching that dynamic whilst trapped in a marriage to one of those bozos, I’d probably feel jealous, too! But no one in MomTok seems to be capable of admitting this to themselves, or to Whitney—and therein lies the issue. To me, the stark contrast between Connor and the rest of DadTok is a huge reason Whitney became such an easy target for MomTok’s collective projection of their own issues.

In Beyond Good and Evil, Nietzsche wrote that “the enormous expectation placed on sexual love and the shame attached to this expectation ruins any sense of perspective for women from the very start.” While the other women on the show repeatedly seem trapped inside that cycle in their respective marriages, Whitney seems to be actively transcending it, something that would be a lot more difficult to achieve without her relationship with Connor.

She’s So Whitney, She’s a Star

In Nietzsche’s Untimely Meditations, he notes that “the philosophers’ task is to provide their contemporaries with a new picture of life; and it is precisely by establishing these new values and by erecting this ‘new image of man’ that a philosopher ‘educates’ others. He does not, however, accomplish these things primarily by what he writes in his books or the doctrines he propounds in his system, but rather by the example of his own life.”2

Whitney Leavitt often acted with audacity, but over the course of her time on SLOMW, she became the only woman in MomTok whose life wasn’t structured in a way that upheld the very patriarchy they all claim to be fighting. And once Whitney learned how to reclaim her inherently provocative nature, she was finally able to step into her role as one of our greatest living ironists. After all, what is provocation if not another form of influence?

By the end of SLOMW’s third season, Whitney was one of the only women on the show willing to acknowledge her own complexity without demanding total absolution from the rest of MomTok, which is practically a quantum leap from the defensive version of herself we met two seasons prior. And I, for one, am excited to see how she continues to evolve, because I know she’ll continue to do so while giving us the ol’ razzle dazzle.

The name on everybody’s lips has been, and will continue to be: WHITNEY.

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Ruth Negga shutting DOWN La Croisette

Once in a blue moon, someone comes along who is equally beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside. For me, that someone is Mademoiselle Ruth Negga—Oscar, Tony, Emmy nominee AND Phile 13 Club member (honors that are all equal in value).

In the four years that I’ve had the immense privilege of calling her a friend, Ruth has added an incredible amount of compassion, kindness, generosity, and just plain FUN to my life. Much like Katharine Hepburn in The Philadelphia Story, I would describe her as someone who is lit from within; the fact that she just happens to also be one of the most strikingly beautiful women is a crazy bonus for mankind. And a member of the Cannes jury this year, where she’s absolutely blowing every single look out of the water—and making water come from my eyes (my tears).

The Sheep Detectives

Nicolas Braun’s attempted accent aside, I loved this movie. The main sheep, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, looks a lot like my family dog Penny, so this was just a lot for me—shocker, I cried—but it would’ve been anyway. The way they employ the animals is really sweet and Babe-esque, while still managing to make it feel original. It’s a fresh take on the whodunnit that’s funny in all the right moments, but be warned: if you have a beating heart, you will cry.

The sell that got my butt into the theater seat was that this movie was written by the writer of Chernobyl and directed by the director of the Minions movies.

BUT! When I saw Lindsay Doran’s name in the end credits, it made me a little bummed she wasn’t included in this pitch, because it would’ve gotten me to the theater even faster. Lindsay is the producer who recognized Emma Thompson’s singular voice/wit—from a sketch, no less—as the writer who could successfully conquer a Jane Austen adaptation. Lindsay Doran is the one who approached Emma Thompson to write Sense and Sensibility, for which she won an Oscar!!! As a writer!!! SO LET’S SAY HER NAME, TOO!!!

Emma Thompson’s Sense and Sensibility Diaries

Funnily enough, I’d originally slotted this into the first Loving Lately post for the month, but I bumped it in lieu of a more timely book. As it turns out, that served a higher purpose anyway, given the above!

I return to this book often—usually just opening up a random page and seeing what treasure it beholds. Because every single page beholds a treasure, as it’s the complete collection of every single diary entry Emma Thompson wrote whilst making the film. It’s also got a forward written by Lindsay Doran!

A couple jewels:

• “Kate [Winslet] tells me her first note from Ang [Lee] was, ‘You’ll get better.’ I shrieked.”

• “Had a bop with Ang. Very good dancer. Home at 3.30 a.m. in a taxi, arseholed.”

• Many iterations of “hilarity reigned, good humour prevails.”

• “I’m in a very bad temper. Didn’t sleep. Had three breakfasts to make up for it.”

• “Sense and Sensibility is about love and money. Perhaps its main question is, can love survive without money? A pithy question. Romantic codes teach us that love conquers all. Elinor disagrees.”

Remarkably Bright Creatures

Sally Field is one of our greatest living actresses, equally as precious as she is formidable. This was such a sweet movie. The effects done on the octopus were truly nothing short of remarkable, and it really made me itch to get back to the PNW for a visit. Also, Alfred Molina voiced the octopus—dontcha just love when actors have fun like that?!

Most importantly, though, a handful of my pals and Phile 13 Club members had a tentacle in this one: lovely, lovely Katie on the Netflix PR team, Season Kent aka the best music supervisor in the biz (and it’s not even close, mama), and my dear pal Biz on the Netflix marketing team. Biz and I have experienced some very quintessentially this-only-happens-in-your-20’s moments together, and it just fills me with pride to see friends I’ve been so, so stupid with begin to step into their inner girlboss. I’m super proud of her!!!

My friend Bex’s new drilling skills

I look up to my friend Bex in a lot of ways, but perhaps none more so than her newly acquired drilling skills, which she used to put up these blinds in her bathroom! Although she lives in London, I feel like I’ve been on the long journey with her as she’s been renovating her flat—which she purchased by herself—thanks to her periodic updates. As with anything that’s truly worth earning, her Renovation Road has been paved with a lot of up’s and down’s, but she has treated herself with a kind of intentional grace that you wish everyone could be able to extend to themselves every once in a while. When she sent me this photo the other day, I quite literally shed a tear. While it’s not the first progress photo by any means, for whatever reason, this one made it all feel the most real. I’m so proud of her!

Feeling seen and understood by my friends’ Pixar-related birthday gifts

One morning, I woke up to the kindest text from my friend Monica, telling me how much she looks forward to Phile 13 posts. Monica is a rare breed of person who I suppose can only be described as an earth angel—for the 25+ years I’ve known her, she has always been exceptionally considerate and giving towards her loved ones, expecting absolutely nothing in return. It’s remarkable. Obviously, she picked up on my not-so-subtle hinting about the Alien plush journal I came across while writing Love Letter #2, and she got it for me for my birthday. She also included a school photo of her darling son Parker, who is my favorite person, so I quite literally almost threw up from excitement.

My friend Chelsea, another earth angel, got me a birthday gift that will absolutely be going in my will: a stuffed Ratatouille doll that has a magnet on the bottom to allow for its owner to put it on their shoulder and just…walk around like that! It’s sensational—but more than that, it just feels so good to be seen and understood by your friends!1

Widow’s Bay

To quote Leah from Love Island USA, “you guys did your big one,” because this show freakin’ rules. I’m not typically one to run to anything that’s categorized as a horror/thriller, though I’m really starting to come around on the genre in a big way (stay tuned for that Love Letter). But I will at least try anything that the always-excellent Matthew Rhys does. And I’m so glad I did.

If you’re like me, don’t let the genre deter you—it’s created by Katie Dippold, who wrote The Heat and Parks & Recreation. How cool is that?! Apparently, this was born from a spec script she wrote years ago to land a job in the Parks & Rec writers room; and while it’s undoubtedly been restructured quite a bit since then, the roots of that spec script are undeniably present—because this show is funny. And the director of the pilot is Hiro Murai (one of my favorite filmmakers working today, special shoutout to the perfect Station Eleven, which stars Phile 13 member Himesh Patel!! slay queen!!), who also EP’s the series—making for a totally singular blend of comedy and horror.

Their consistent control of the tone is a masterful tightrope-walking routine that makes this show really—for lack of a better word—thrilling to watch. Every single detail feels considered, even down to the episode descriptions, which read as though they’re written by the town’s tourist board (something I tried to attempt with the wedding website I made announcing this Substack, to much less success!).

When discussing the show with my friend (and genius writer/director of what’s soon-to-be the next talk of the town thriller movie) said, “Do we, as a society, deserve Stephen root? I think not. But we got him!”; and I think that’s the perfect way to describe the entire supporting cast, which includes a stellar Kate O’Flynn and Emmy WINNER, Jeff Hiller!2

To make anything these days is a miracle, but the fact that this was made by people breaking out of the boxes they were put in? Let us not take advantage of this, please! Kudos to all involved—can’t wait to keep watching. During the daytime. Because you make me laugh but you still scare me (complimentary).

The penis headbands Elle Fanning and Michelle Pfeiffer wore on Margo’s Got Money Troubles

To quote Bridesmaids, “I mean…it’s a Fritz Bernaise.” Aren’t these just divine?

I’m really enjoying this show! Elle Fanning can truly do anything, Nick Offerman is perfectly cast in his role and crushing it, and who wouldn’t feel energized by watching Michelle Pfeiffer lighting up a cig on their screen??? Also, they use a Robyn song for the wonderful opening title sequence, which should really be the only thing needed to sell you on this. But, it’s a great premise that blends three things that are never-not-coexisting-and-impacting-eachother: sex, violence, and patriarchy.

Learning about the existence of Forehand Strike

Cazzie David came up with a genius theory that posits every single man can be summarized by the following formula: superhero + sport, which has been a fun point of discussion with several groups of friends. After I published Love Letter #3, Phile 13 Club member Annie Keating posed this incredible question about the undefinable enigma that is Joe Mazzulla.

While I was sure he’s a Batman (Ben Affleck’s Batman, to be exact), trying to find a sport to fit the Celtics head coach proved to be quite the puzzle. The following day, though, the luck of the Irish was on my side. A UK friend who was here on holiday told me about a sport he learned about whilst watching ESPN in his hotel room: forehand strike. Essentially, it’s tennis—not with a racket, but your hand. Just your hand. Which feels like a fair category to assign to a person who once said, completely seriously, “If we ever decided to rob Fenway, I was like, ‘We could probably really get away with this.’ How could you not go to Fenway and think you couldn’t rob it?”

The Phile 13 Group Chat

I have been having a rip-roarin’ good time in the Phile 13 Group Chat. No, seriously, sometimes it’s just me having a conversation with myself. But I’ve never been left on delivered for too long, and while the participation isn’t quite at the dream level yet (I get it, because this app really, really has work to do to become more user-friendly), it’s made every interaction extra special.

Thanks to everyone who has weighed in on my streams of consciousness so far—it genuinely makes my day anytime a chat notification pops up, and I’ve learned things about people I’ve known for YEARS because of it! I really do want this to become a safe community of sorts, and I really do want every subscriber to feel like they’re getting the most value. I definitely want to keep improving that on the Group Chat front in particular, so please leave comments or sent me a message with whatever your heart desires that you’re wanting to see more of!

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