We decided to drive to Gatlinburg, and along the way, we stopped in Pigeon Forge to visit Dollywood.

Truthfully, I would have rather gone to Graceland in Memphis. I did not like country music, and I certainly did not connect with Dolly Parton, much less her music.

But that trip to Dollywood opened my eyes.

And by “opened my eyes,” I mean that something about the place created an unexpected sense of awareness and emotion that connected me to her life, her story, and eventually her music.

Of course, there were the familiar songs: “9 to 5,” “Jolene,” and “I Will Always Love You.” But Dollywood was so much more than that. There seemed to be an attraction everywhere you turned—some of the best Southern cuisine I had ever eaten, petting zoos, souvenir shops, storytellers, rides, music, and pieces of Appalachian history woven throughout the park.

Dolly had made it more than a fun theme park. It was every bit as much about history and heritage as it was entertainment.

Now, as she reached the twilight of her life and passed away this past week at the age of 80, I find myself thinking back on that experience.

And I am reminded of three things I came to appreciate about her—some through personal experience and others through the stories I encountered over the years.

I’ll frame each one through her own words, using three of her personal quotes, and then draw out the lesson I’ve taken from each.

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1. “It’s been wishy-washy ever since.”

This one always struck me as humorous. But if you ever heard Dolly speak or watched her in an interview, you knew she was naturally funny. Her marriage was no exception.

Her love story began, fittingly enough, at a laundromat, where she met Carl Dean.

There is something wonderfully ironic about that. Dolly became famous for the sparkling clothes, towering hair, high heels, and glamorous persona. Her look was unmistakably her own. She famously said, “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”

Yet Carl met her at a laundromat.

Maybe there is something beautiful about finding someone who loves you before the world fully knows who you are, someone who sees you without needing the stage.

Their marriage lasted nearly 59 years, until Carl died on March 3, 2025. Shortly afterward, Dolly released “If You Hadn’t Been There” in tribute to him.

But for nearly six decades, we rarely heard much from Carl.

He did not seek the limelight. He avoided red carpets and public interviews and remained almost completely outside the celebrity world surrounding his wife.

Dolly was one of the most recognizable women on earth.

Carl seemed perfectly content simply being her husband.

2. “As long as I’ve got something to sing about, I’ll keep on singing.”

For me, this is less about Dolly’s famous singles and more about something I came to appreciate later: her ability to sing with people.

Her harmonies were incredible.

If you have a chance, listen to “Butterfly” with Zac Brown Band, “There Was Jesus” with Zach Williams, or go back to the remarkable three-part harmonies she created with Emmylou Harris and Linda Ronstadt.

And, of course, there were her performances with her goddaughter, Miley Cyrus.

Her range was remarkable. She could push into that unmistakable soprano, settle into a lower register, dial everything back to complement another singer, or belt out rock & roll—as she demonstrated after her induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

She knew how to take the spotlight.

But she also knew how to stand beside someone else who had it.

That may be one of the more overlooked qualities of a truly gifted person. Some people are extraordinarily talented when everyone is watching them. It takes another kind of confidence to use that talent to make someone else sound better.

Later in life, she was not always chasing another “Jolene,” “9 to 5,” or “I Will Always Love You.” Instead, you increasingly heard her collaborating, harmonizing, and appearing alongside other artists.

She made being the backup cool.

3. “It’s a good feeling to have no makeup, no wig, no high heels, just my little stubby self.”

I first encountered this sentiment in her memoir when I was a teenager—14 years old, to be exact.

She was flamboyant then, just as she remained throughout her life. And I would not have been surprised if she had wanted to be buried in all the glitz and glamour.

But something about that quote reveals the woman behind the entertainment.

For all the makeup, wigs, rhinestones, and carefully constructed public image, Dolly seemed remarkably comfortable laughing at herself. There was a confidence underneath the costume.

She seemed to understand the difference between image and identity.

And while she certainly had her convictions, she also demonstrated an unusual ability to empathize with people who struggled with identity, belonging, and fitting in. Her public life reflected a consistent willingness to show kindness to people who did not necessarily look, think, or live like she did.

It reminds me, strangely enough, of some of the professional wrestlers of old.

Inside the ring, they could be loud, obnoxious, crass, larger than life, and sometimes downright ominous.

But away from the ring, many were humanitarians, kind, generous, and surprisingly down-to-earth. The persona was part of the performance.

It was not necessarily the person.

And maybe that was part of Dolly’s genius.

She knew exactly when and why she was wearing the wig.

When I think back to being 25 years old, I realize my first real connection to Dolly Parton was completely accidental.

I was looking for Elvis Presley.

Somehow, I ended up finding Dolly.

And over the years, I became increasingly drawn not simply to the performer but to the story behind her.

In the end, what stays with me most is not the rhinestones, the records, the movies, the awards, or even Dollywood.

It is what seemed to happen when the spotlight was not on her:

• Her fidelity to Carl Dean.

• Her willingness to sing beautiful harmonies beside someone else.

• Her ability to accept and empathize with others.

Perhaps that is a little unfair to her legacy because it hardly begins to capture the enormity of her accomplishments.

But I am grateful for that trip in 2005 and for the years afterward in which I slowly came to know her music and her story.

Dolly Parton certainly understood how to entertain people. But she also seemed to understand people.

And perhaps that is what I ultimately learned from her:

Ash, J. (2026, August 30). Dolly Parton’s most iconic “Dolly-isms” on beauty, wigs, Botox and living life on her own terms. Fox News.

Dollywood. (n.d.). Dollywood Parks & Resorts.

Fauria, K. (2026, August 27). In Dolly Parton’s theology, God and acceptance shared the same stage. Associated Press.

Parton, D. (1994). Dolly: My life and other unfinished business. HarperCollins.

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2016). Crossway. (Original work published 2001)

Williams, A. (2026, August 28). The grain of her voice. Alan’s Substack.

Servantship: Axiom One - Not to be Served, but to Serve - Mark 10:45, Matthew 20:28

Servantship: Axiom Two: Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant - Matthew 25:14-30

I can recount many times whether in grade school, middle school, or high school, when I wanted positions of authority and stature.

In grade school, whenever we played “Around the World” in math class, I wanted to win. Two students competed head-to-head to solve a flash-card problem first. The winner moved on to compete against the student at the next desk, while the loser sat down. The goal was to be the first person to make it all the way around the room and return to your own desk.

Not that I’m keeping score or anything, but I did win.

Quite a bit, actually.

Then there was the annual spelling bee. I still remember my final year of eligibility, before I could no longer participate in sixth grade. I misspelled the word “influenza” and finished in second place. I became my school’s alternate representative for the district spelling bee.

I wanted so badly to make it to the state and national spelling bees. I also remember hearing my peers say, “Second place is the first loser.”

In soccer, tennis, track, basketball, and other sports, I always wanted to be chosen first. I also understood the painful feeling of being chosen last. When it came to kickball, football, and other sports with which I was less familiar, I was often one of the last people selected.

I remember how terrible that felt.

Then came other honors: serving as president of the National Honor Society, becoming captain of the Brain Bowl team, and receiving awards in music and band. Being chosen by my teachers to represent my class, my school, and my family produced such a wonderful feeling.

It was as though an inner confetti cannon had gone off, and I stood beneath a downpour of praise, applause, and adulation.

However, the greatest seat of honor came when I asked my wife to marry me. When she said yes, my heart exploded with joy. Then the parade began as everyone showered us with gifts.

At our wedding reception, I sat in the place of honor at the head table. I was surrounded by my own Knights of the Round Table, my closest friends, with family seated all around us.

These were the intense emotions I experienced in both kinds of circumstances. They arose either from the achievements and relationships I enjoyed or from their absence.

So, when I read this passage, all those emotions and experiences rise to the surface.

And I am left confused by what Jesus is saying.

Is this axiom asking me to embrace an ideal diametrically opposed to the emotions and experiences attached to the positions I have attained and the relationships I have gained or failed to gain?

I will answer this question at the conclusion of this axiom.

This passage, like the one before it, is a parable. The Greek word parabolē (παραβολή) comes from two words: para, meaning “beside,” and ballō, meaning “to throw” or “to place.” Put together, the word conveys the idea of placing one thing beside another to make a comparison.

A parable often takes the form of a fictional story used to teach a lesson through comparison. We commonly relate to this kind of storytelling through works such as Aesop’s fables.

How many of us remember stories such as “The Tortoise and the Hare,” “The Ant and the Grasshopper,” or “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”?

However, the parables Jesus tells contain deep spiritual truths. Although they often have practical applications, their greatest value is spiritual—typically revealing something about His kingdom, His work, and His purpose.

Before examining the heart of this parable, there are several details to notice in the context of the passage, particularly in verses 1–6.

• The Sabbath: There is no doubt in my mind that this day was chosen intentionally. First, Sabbath meals were typically prepared beforehand because cooking and other forms of work were restricted on the Sabbath. Second, strict rules surrounded the observance of the Sabbath. Anything Jesus did or might potentially do, would therefore be watched closely. (See also Mark 1:21–28, 29–31; 3:1–6; Luke 13:10–17; John 5:1–18; 9:1–16.)

• The Charlatans: The Pharisees were suspicious of Jesus and knew they might have an opportunity to trap Him. Their purpose was not merely religious fellowship. They acted deceptively, trying to outthink Jesus. Yet Jesus saw through them. They were pretenders. If they were not ready to arrest Jesus then, they would at least have evidence they could use to accuse Him of violating Sabbath law. The end of verse 1 provides a clue about their intentions: “They were watching him carefully.” (See also Matthew 12:10; Mark 3:2; Luke 11:53–54.)

• The Setup: It is apparent that other people were present. Then the sick man enters the scene. He was hydropikos (ὑδρωπικός)—suffering from a condition commonly translated as dropsy or edema. The Pharisees watched to see what Jesus would do, but His response disarmed their trap.

Jesus, being socially aware, recognized that He was surrounded by lawyers and Pharisees. Perhaps they were already grumbling among themselves.

So Jesus asked,

“Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath, or not?” (Luke 14:3).

Silence.

Jesus went on to heal the man. Then He asked the Pharisees and lawyers another question:

“Which of you, having a son or an ox that has fallen into a well on a Sabbath day, will not immediately pull him out?” (Luke 14:5).

Silence again.

This provides the setting: the angst in the atmosphere, the tension in the eyes fixed upon Him, and the anger of the religious leaders, all held within a space where Jesus was regarded as rebellious and rogue rather than Savior and Messiah.

As you enter this parable, keep that angst and tension in mind, hold that emotional weight.

Can you feel it?

I do.

I don’t know if you remember, but a big moment occurred this year on July 7 in Fort Worth, Texas. You probably would not have guessed it, but that was the first day the temperature reached 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

Around that time, I began almost religiously parking my car as far away as necessary from any store or restaurant—all so I could park beneath a tree or in the shade. I even took pictures of trees casting shadows and asked ChatGPT or Gemini to show me where those shadows would fall three hours later.

You might wonder, Why did I do that?

First, I did not want my car to bake in the heat. Extreme heat can cause machinery and technology to perform below their optimal levels. Even a ten-degree difference can significantly affect a vehicle and its functionality.

Second, my seats, steering wheel, and gearshift become extremely hot. When that happens, I cannot drive away immediately. I have to wait for the air conditioning to lower the temperature, which means the system must work twice as hard to cool the car.

All that to say, I have convinced myself that if I can walk around a supermarket for an hour while shopping, I can also walk the extra two hundred meters from the store’s exit to my car.

Little did I know that I am not the only person who does this. At this time of year, those shaded spots are premium parking spaces.

Jesus’ parable presents a real-life parallel.

While dining at the home of a ruler of the Pharisees, He connected what He observed there to the experience of those invited to a wedding feast.

And you know that the reception dinner following a wedding is by invitation only. If you have a seat at the table, you are significant. You are connected to the wedding party as a family member, close friend, or trusted confidant.

A seat at the wedding feast was like a premium parking space on a 100-degree summer day in Fort Worth, Texas.

The parable unfolds in two contrasting scenes, followed by Jesus’ guiding principle: a place of shame, a place of honor, and a principle of humility.

A Place of Shame (vv. 8–9)

“When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not sit down in a place of honor, lest someone more distinguished than you be invited by him, and he who invited you both will come and say to you, ‘Give your place to this person,’ and then you will begin with shame to take the lowest place.”

First, Jesus discourages His listeners from sitting in a place of honor. The Greek word used here is protoklisia (πρωτοκλισία), a combination of protos, meaning “first,” and klisia, meaning “place of reclining.”

It refers to the chief seat—the place of highest honor.

A first-century Jewish wedding did not typically have the kind of formal, assigned seating chart common at many Western weddings today. Instead, the reception often followed a hierarchical open-seating arrangement. After the family had taken its place, social rank determined where the remaining guests sat.

Jesus openly criticizes those who hastily and selfishly take the chief seats, only to discover that someone more “distinguished” has also been invited by the host or groom. Their impulsive choice reveals the selfishness of their hearts. Then they are told to surrender their seats and move to the lowest place—the seat no one else desired.

As a result, they are publicly embarrassed and put to shame.

In Chinese and broader Asian cultures, we might call this “losing face.”

A Place of Honor (v. 10)

“But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when your host comes he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at table with you.”

Second, Jesus encourages His listeners to sit in the lowest place. The Greek phrase used here is ton eschaton topon (τὸν ἔσχατον τόπον), meaning “the last place.”

You may be familiar with the word eschaton because it is the root of eschatology, the study of the end times. The emphasis here is on the word “end” or “last.”

The idea is that when the host arrives and sees your humility, he may invite you to move higher. Because you initially chose the lowest place, you are recognized as someone respectful—someone willing to leave the better seats for others who may be considered more distinguished.

As a result, you are honored in the presence of everyone seated at the table rather than publicly shamed and left alone in a seat no one desired. The word translated as “honored” can also refer to praise, glory, or esteem.

In Chinese and broader Asian cultures, we might call this “gaining face.”

But whether we are speaking of Chinese customs or Western ideals, this kind of humility is uncommon. Those who are highly esteemed and respected typically receive the greatest honor and the highest seats.

Those considered the least important, whether because they are the youngest in the family or hold the lowest social status are often given the lowest seats.

A Principle of Humility (v. 11)

“For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Finally, both places culminate in this guiding principle: The prideful will be brought low, and the humble will be lifted up.

What, then, defines the prideful and the humble? This passage gives us several clues.

First, The prideful are represented by the Pharisees—the charlatans who, instead of seeing and caring for the man suffering from edema, viewed him through the lens of suspicion and legalism.

Rather than responding with care and compassion, they were filled with bitterness and self-righteousness.

Second, by contrast, Jesus points toward the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. He says:

“And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you” (Luke 14:14).

In this analogy, we must ask:

Who are the poor and the sick, and why should they be invited to the wedding feast?

A significant clue appears earlier in Luke 5:29–32, during a great feast at the home of Levi, an influential tax collector:

“And Levi made him a great feast in his house, and there was a large company of tax collectors and others reclining at table with them. And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, ‘Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?’ And Jesus answered them, ‘Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.’”

There is more to this passage than simply consulting Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and identifying those who occupy the lowest tier of financial or social status within a community.

On the one hand, He speaks with compassion, helping the broader community understand that the poor and marginalized will not be left behind in His kingdom.

On the other hand, He speaks with correction, confronting the self-righteousness of the Pharisees, who placed adherence to the law above caring for those who were hurting.

Ignorance is not bliss.

Jesus is calling sinners to repentance.

His posture remains deeply corrective. He desires a change of heart, and that change begins with those who realize they are sick. They do not live in denial; they live in defeat.

Jesus said it best Himself,

“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” - Luke 19:10

Jesus’ lesson magnifies the problem of self-righteousness: the arrogance of the self-righteous has blinded them to their own ignorance.

Instead of showing deep emotion, compassion, and care for the hurting, marginalized, sick, and dying, their arrogance rises to the surface. What we see is their pride and hatred toward Jesus and their lack of compassion for the suffering right in front of them.

This is truly a sin of a different kind.

It is arrogance packaged with anger and hatred, infused with a blindness that is both repulsive and seemingly impenetrable. Jesus sees through the self-righteous Pharisees, and one of two things happens:

Either He becomes a thorn in their side, someone they need to get rid of or He becomes, as Paul describes, a thorn meant “to keep [him] from pride” (2 Corinthians 12:7).

As I reflect on my own story, I recognize how I chased effusive praise and the highest positions and postures of leadership. My heart longed to occupy those places. I wanted the authority, achievement, and glory that came with them, so I openly and aggressively pursued them.

And to what end?

In a similar fashion, I chased the American dream: a wife, a home, two children, a padded résumé, and jobs that added credentials rather than Christlikeness.

I have truly experienced firsthand that “whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

Merriam-Webster defines a humble person as one who does not brag or act superior, even after achieving great success. As an adjective, “humble” describes someone who is modest, unpretentious, and not proud.

Jesus displayed humility in Philippians 2:8:

“And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

So, you might ask, does this mean I must give up all the achievements and accolades I have earned or currently possess?

The quick answer is no.

Jesus does not ask you to abandon your achievements or accolades.

Humility does not mean becoming lazy and resting solely on what you have already accomplished. Nor does it mean worshiping your accomplishments, as though everything you are and everything you hope to become depends on the continued pursuit of recognition and success.

The problem is self-exaltation—the pride and self-righteousness that can grow out of these achievements.

It is a spiritually rooted problem: a sin the Pharisees could not see and one into which self-righteous Christians can easily fall if they are not careful.

In all your pursuits, ask these questions of someone you love and trust, someone who can offer compassionate but corrective counsel.

Then be open to listening. This can be a time of healing for you.

• Has my pursuit of lofty things contributed to the well-being of those around me?

• Has my desire for great achievement created opportunities for the gospel to reach the hurting, marginalized, and sick?

• Do others see humility in me, or do they primarily notice my pride?

• Do I tend to treat others with care and compassion, or am I overly critical and self-absorbed in the way I speak about them?

Finally, pray and ask the Lord to give you a heart that serves according to His will. Ask Him to break your prideful spirit and give you Christlike humility—a humility that yearns to care deeply rather than criticize.

Aesop. (1867). Three hundred Aesop’s fables (G. F. Townsend, Trans.). George Routledge and Sons. (Original work composed ca. sixth century BCE)

Murray, A. (1895). Humility: The beauty of holiness. Fleming H. Revell Company.

The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2001). Crossway.

Keathley, H., IV. (2004, August 17). 9. The seats of honor. Bible.org.

Utley, B. (2012, November 15). Luke 14. Bible.org.

China Highlights. (n.d.). Seating arrangements for a Chinese banquet.

Logos. (n.d.). Logos Bible study platform.

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Humble. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved August 16, 2026.

Servantship: Axiom One - Not to be Served, but to Serve - Mark 10:45, Matthew 20:28

My parents were immigrants.

What I have learned through the years is that both roads were hard.

Through the years, I have been gathering information like a sleuth at each visit. As these visits are getting fewer, I am soaking up more.

My Mom

My mother’s story began in Shanghai and then moved toward Hong Kong. She was educated in both metropolitan cities, but she learned and absorbed Cantonese as her heart language. She was also the oldest child, bearing a lot of responsibility for the family until her two younger brothers came of age.

Typically, in Chinese culture, the oldest son bore most of the responsibility for carrying the family when the parents grew too old to support the family financially or physically.

But, my mom, like an oldest son, took on the responsibility for carrying the family when her parents became too old. And having barely finished Form 8 (the eighth-grade equivalent in the States), moved to the United States to work, provide for, and support her family.

She tried to be faithful with the little she had but could barely make ends meet. So, she met a young cook in Brooklyn, New York, and combined forces. This is where they began their story and marriage.

My Dad

My dad’s story began in Nanjing who also over time made his way to Hong Kong. And then my dad and his brother was able to make it to New York and start a business together. Like my mom, a lot of what my dad made financially was sent to Nanjing to help his parents.

There is a lot of history in my dad’s story, but he lived a roller coaster of a life before he met my mom. There are still new things I am discovering about his life.

He, too, did his best with how he used his money but fell under a lot of pressure from personal demons, his own flesh, and the consequences of sin.

But stewardship was a new concept for my family. In many ways, both of them struggled in America because their own parents had a lot taken away in China during the Cultural Revolution.

Living in China during the 1950s was hard. There were massive closures of universities, many urban youths were sent back to rural villages, and there was economic strain as the currency was in flux.

Both of my parents lived through some of this; they were called the “lost generation.”

However, in the United Sates, if you were born during this decade you were known as the Boomer generation. It was just the opposite of China. There were opportunities and freedoms for many Americans.

As Parents

As immigrants, my parents had limited resources, and even when help was available, they often did not know how to access it. They relied on an incredible work ethic to make it through that difficult season of life.

With very little to their name, they learned to fight, persevere, and scrape together a living.

They both believed that having money would prevent them from living in poverty. However, even with the good work ethic, they struggled in every other facet of life.

Spiritually, they were bankrupt. Physically and mentally, they struggled to maintain their sanity. Emotionally, they bottled up their pain, or they kept it inside and drank themselves into a stupor to drown their sorrows.

I grew up enduring through much of my parents’ early struggles, witnessing a lot of heartbreak, and living through physical and mental trauma. There is a lot of their story that influences how I look at this second axiom.

But first, consider how context helps you in understanding this passage and aids in the way the second axiom of Servantship is viewed.

There are many Christian authors and entrepreneurs who view this passage as a blueprint for success and stewardship.

• Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University uses this passage to present a foundational biblical framework, teaching believers that they are not the owners of their resources but managers.

• Life Church, led by Craig Groeschel, draws on this parable to teach modern leadership skills and organizational excellence.

• At least one TED Talk by Irene Ang, delivered at an event in Singapore, also uses this passage as a measure of success: those who take risks double their potential, while those who hide their potential lose everything.

I do not have an ax to grind. I appreciate frameworks that draw from Jesus’ words and, for practical purposes, apply them toward good ends.

On the other hand, we need to understand what Jesus said and the context in which He said it.

Was Jesus really offering a lesson on finances, leadership, or success?

I do not believe so.

I believe that viewing this through these lenses hampers a proper understanding of the historical context and of how the disciples and many others may have related to the parable and to Jesus.

Here are some reasons:

• Jesus was a reject and was rejected. (Isaiah 53:1–3)

• Jesus traveled on foot daily, often stopping to teach on mountainsides and lakeshores. (Matt. 5:1–2; 13:1–2; Mark 4:37–38; Luke 6:12; etc.)

• Jesus was a carpenter, several disciples were fishermen, and during their ministry they often relied on the hospitality and financial support of others. (Matt. 4:18–22; Mark 1:16–18; Luke 5:1–11; John 21:2–3)

• Jesus’ miracles often involved multiplying scarce food or obtaining a coin from a fish to pay a tax. He had very little. Following Jesus required sacrifice in lifestyle and in life choices. (Matt. 14:17–21; 17:27; Mark 6:37–44; Luke 9:13–18; John 6:5–13; etc.)

I put it this way: when it came to Jesus and the twelve disciples, their bottom line was quite literally the bottom line.

Jesus did not have much, and His followers did not have much either.

Furthermore, the disciples were not necessarily influential, nor were they particularly persuasive.

In fact, many of them had more shortcomings than successes.

On top of that Jesus elevated servantship, speaking more than a hundred times about the heart of a servant.

His aphorisms run directly counter to secular measures of leadership:

• “The first will be last, and the last first.” (Matt. 20:16)

• “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” (Matt. 20:26)

• “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” (Matt. 23:12)

It would seem, then, that this parable is about far more than social status, influence, financial investment, or the lack thereof.

This parable reveals two essential ingredients of servantship: faithfulness and goodness.

In Matthew 24, the preceding chapter, Jesus began this teaching while sitting with His disciples on the Mount of Olives, overlooking Jerusalem. Much, if not most, of the Olivet Discourse concerns eschatology and the coming end times.

In the parables that follow, Jesus speaks about readiness and final judgment. The Parable of the Ten Virgins and the account of the Sheep and the Goats bookend the Parable of the Talents, and all three emphasize preparing for what is to come:

• The Parable of the Ten Virgins (vv. 1–13)

• The Parable of the Talents (vv. 14–30)

• The Sheep and the Goats (vv. 31–46)

If you pay close attention, Jesus’ form of preparation is very different from that of today’s wealthy people, who prepare for an apocalyptic end by building “doomsday” bunkers stocked with years’ worth of food and equipped with electricity, swimming pools, and other comforts and necessities.

I do not want to expound fully on the other two accounts, but I do want to focus on a few things when it comes to how Jesus prepared for the end. Jesus’ pattern of readiness and His preparation of the disciples for final judgment center on three primary facets:

• He compares two distinct groups.

  • The wise virgins and the foolish virgins

  • The faithful servants and the lazy servant

  • The sheep and the goats

• He focuses on preparation and stewardship. These are perhaps two characteristics that every follower of Jesus must possess in a spiritual sense. In all three examples their hearts waited expectantly for their bridegroom, master, and shepherd.

• He distinguishes between those who are actively faithful and good and those who are not. This distinction involves more than physical actions; a person’s character, motives, and heart are revealed through those actions. Those who were prepared brought oil, doubled their talents, or cared for the needy. Those who were unprepared were foolish or lazy and neglected their responsibilities.

There is one more thing to notice. Unlike many twentieth-century doomsayers, Jesus did not focus merely on “the end.”

You may have seen the familiar image on the streets or in editorial cartoons: a protester, street preacher, or cult member waving a sign that reads, “The end is near.”

However, in all three parables, the central event is this: JESUS IS COMING.

• Verse 6: “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’”

• Verse 19: “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them.”

• Verse 31: “When the Son of Man comes in His glory and all the angels with Him, He will sit on His glorious throne.”

This is not about preparing worldly comforts to meet our needs at the end of days. Jesus is revealing to us the heart of a wise servant, one who looks forward to His coming and invests everything, including wealth, health, mind, heart, and emotions, in the Savior who will come and redeem the soul.

The consequences of sin will kill and destroy.

Nothing in this world will be preserved, but the soul we entrust to Jesus will be.

This is why Jesus said:

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

- Matthew 6:19-21

As you begin reading the parable, four distinct parts emerge:

1. The characters (vv. 14–15)

2. The talents (vv. 16–18)

3. The return (v. 19)

4. The responses (vv. 20–30)

First, the Characters (vv. 14–15)

Jesus is straightforward: there is a master, and there are three servants.

The master goes on a journey. However, unlike the famous phrase from the musical The Phantom of the Opera, this is not a journey of no return. It is a journey from which the master will return.

Just as the bridegroom returns for his bride in the Parable of the Virgins, the master will return for his servants. Jesus is the master.

Then there are the servants. The Greek word commonly used here is doulos (δοῦλος) translated as servant, which refers to someone bound to a master. Culturally, a servant would occupy one of the lowest positions in a household. Yet although these servants may have held a low social status, the master certainly did not treat them as insignificant.

The servants were entrusted with the master’s property and given talents according to their abilities. There is clear evidence that the master knew each servant. He also trusted them, since he placed so much in their hands.

How do I know? That leads to the next part.

Second, the Talents (vv. 16–18)

I tried to do as much research as I could on the Greek word talanta (τάλαντα), translated as “talents.” Some English translations use the phrase “bags of gold,” but that description seems vague to me.

Still, it helps convey the immense value involved.

Commentaries explain that a talent was typically a unit of weight—approximately seventy-five pounds. Whether the metal was gold, silver, or bronze, a talent would represent an enormous sum. Another commentary estimated its value at approximately six thousand denarii. One denarius was about a day’s wage.

Therefore, one talent represented nearly twenty years of wages. In modern economic terms, one talent could be worth upward of a million dollars, depending on how the calculation is made.

Each servant, including the last, was given an amount equivalent to many years of wages. Collectively, the five talents, the two talents, and the one talent totaled eight talents.

If you do the math, that represents roughly 160 years of wages for the laborers combined, far beyond a single person’s lifetime, assuming that person did not die young.

This leads to the next part.

Third, the Return (v. 19)

After a long time, the master returned and settled accounts with his servants. Several details matter as we consider what happened next.

First, all three servants had been given far more than they would need to live for the next few years. The master had not only provided for their financial needs but had also entrusted them with his household and property, which included the basic necessities of life.

Second, this parable goes beyond financial metrics. Each servant still possessed at least what he had begun with.

According to Warren Buffett, his first rule is, “Never lose money.” Rule number two is, “Never forget rule number one.” This is the financial principle of capital preservation: the primary objective is to protect your baseline.

The first two servants doubled what they had been given, but the last servant produced no return. Yet, financially, it would seem all the servants still had more than enough.

So there must be more at stake.

Finally, the Responses (vv. 20–30)

I love this section, particularly the master’s response to the first two servants.

The first two servants had been given five talents and two talents, respectively, and both responded by doubling what they had received.

Both times, the master replied,

“You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.”

- Matthew 25:21; 23

Notice that the servants’ status did not change. The master remained the master, and each servant remained a servant. There was no ladder to climb and no position to chase.

Also notice that the talents and the returns on those investments were given back to the master and the servants were content.

This brings us to the last servant. At first, his response sounds reasonable:

“You are a harsh man, reaping where you did not sow and gathering where you scattered no seed. So I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here, you have what is yours.”

- Matthew 25:24–25

However, the master responded:

“You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

- Matthew 25:26-30

After calling the servant wicked and slothful, the master’s question sounds sharp, almost incredulous: “Did you really know that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Really?!?”

At least, that is how I hear it.
**As a side note, the master appears to be a hardworking and successful farmer also.

Additionally, the final imperative, “Cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness” appears to describe his complete removal from the master’s household. The servant who hid his talent, whom the master called wicked and slothful, ultimately lost everything.

Servantship is on clear display here.

The master is Jesus, and the servants are those entrusted with stewarding His words—specifically, the disciples to whom Jesus is speaking. The meaning of the talents, however, is somewhat more difficult to discern.

However, a great clue is found in Matthew 13:10–12:

“Then the disciples came and said to Him, ‘Why do You speak to them in parables?’ And He answered them, ‘To you it has been given to know the secrets of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given. For to the one who has, more will be given, and he will have an abundance; but from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.’”

The talents, then, represent the secrets of the kingdom of heaven. This means more than possessing intellectual knowledge of the gospel, the glory of Christ, or His message. It involves a heart that embodies Jesus that deeply believes, loves and values what the Master has entrusted to His disciples.

But the final servant squandered what had been entrusted to him. In many ways, the last servant directly reflects Judas Iscariot.

Judas failed to recognize the worth of the One with whom he walked with daily and the value of the work he had been given to do.

The final servant represents the heart of the unbeliever.

Jesus expresses this clearly in John 6:35–36 when addressing the crowd, who sought Him because of His signs and wonders:

“Jesus said to them, ‘I am the bread of life; whoever comes to Me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in Me shall never thirst. But I said to you that you have seen Me and yet do not believe.’”

What, then, makes a servant “good” and “faithful”?

This is a great question.

Let us consider four indicators that reveal the beauty of knowing Christ and the heart of one who deeply desires Him.

1. A good and faithful servant is striving to enter rest.

“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”

- Hebrews 4:11-2

1. A good and faithful servant is seeking in preparation for Christ’s return.

“And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.” Then I fell down at his feet to worship him, but he said to me, “You must not do that! I am a fellow servant with you and your brothers who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God.” For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.”

- Revelations 9:9-10

1. A good and faithful servant is stewarding the mystery of God so that others may benefit from the master’s gift.

“This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful.” They are found faithful, not only because God has found us faithful, but because others notice the difference.”

- 1 Corinthians 4:1-2

1. A good and faithful servant is serving the Lord Christ by serving others.

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

- Colossians 3:23-24

The next time you have an opportunity to sit and reflect, ask your heart these questions and ponder them deeply:

• How am I striving to enter His rest?

• How am I seeking Christ as I prepare for His return?

• How am I stewarding the mysteries of God so that others may benefit from the Master’s gifts?

• How am I serving the Lord Christ by serving others?

The heart of a good and faithful servant abides in Christ. In turn, his or her life is not consumed by the pursuit of idle or idol things that compete for the heart’s devotion.

Instead, it is a life marked by striving after Christ, seeking Christ, stewarding what Christ has entrusted, and serving Christ.

This is the heart of the good and faithful servant: Christ is not merely part of life, He is the pursuit.

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2001). Crossway.

TEDx Talks. (2014, January 5). The parable of the talents: Irene Ang at TEDxSingaporeWomen 2013 [Video]. YouTube.

Groeschel, C. (2024, February 20). Your one-word goal. Inspiration Ministries.

Allgood, M. (2024, June 3). Financial stewardship: The parable of the talents and modern investing. LinkedIn.

Ekremet, K. S. (2025, October 12). The parable of the talents: A blueprint for modern leadership and organizational excellence. LinkedIn.

Dolan, B. (2026, February 22). Warren Buffett’s investing rules: Essential tips for success. Investopedia.

2002 was a memorable year for me. Alot happened that year.

Brazil dominated the World Cup defeating Germany 2-0, the release of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake were among the few known for moments of infamy, Harry Potter continues to be mega viral and I played Yu-Gi-Oh! (That was big for Asian kids)

However, it was the same year I experienced my first long dating relationship, I had learned to travel to multiple places on my own and was going through inwardly a transformation of sorts.

A big part of me wanted to start taking authority by the horns. I was ambitious and wanted to aim high in my pursuits and my relationships.

But it was at the same time a hard year. I had also experienced my first breakup, I had also experienced being rejected for lucrative job(s), I had also been wrestling with giving up my Engineering degree, website designing and technological opportunities to potentially open the door and step through to serve the Lord full time.

Although, I had already been thinking about full time ministry extensively since the first year of college and have been involved in church, other youth programs, mentoring and discipleship, missionary assistant and other roles, it never occurred to me how natural it was to be in ministry.

But instead of humility, I approached it with hubris and a pompous attitude that I would make a great leader.

And that mentality began to unnaturally shift, but slowly. Yet, I remember this is where it began.

I wanted to meet all the qualifications for a leader but felt unfulfilled, unable to meet expectations, felt the tension of others being better, more able, and more successful.

And for the first time that year, I noticed something in my heart needed to change.

This passage became tantamount for my growth and maturity.

“The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many.”

- Matthew 20:28, Mark 10:45

This is an ambitious passage. Yet, it is ironic.

There is nothing ambitious about its meaning.

Rather, maybe just the opposite, it is about the incarnation—God, from His highest position, coming down to the lowly estate of mankind. The King became a servant.

Not very ambitious of Him.

So, I am going to take this verse in three parts.
*If you want to jump to the section you can click on each one and skip to the section.

1. The Son of Man came…

2. …not to be served, but to serve…

3. …And to give His life as a ransom for many

First, the Son of Man came. (Mark 10:45a, Matthew 20:28a)

It would interesting Jesus used this title. He could have been called King, Christ (The Anointed One), the Most High, Lord or even Son of God. However, He took on the title, Son of Man.

To use a modern comparison, would you rather be the son of Odin, Thor (a son of a god) or would you rather be a son of mine (a son of human flesh)?

Most people would choose the former.

Here are two reason why Jesus may have preferred the title Son of Man:

• It was personal.

When you examine the Gospels, Jesus refers to Himself as the Son of Man more than eighty times—approximately thirty times in Matthew, fourteen in Mark, twenty-five in Luke, and more than ten in John. In many ways, this was His preferred self-designation.

Jesus wanted to relate to us. The Apostle Paul put it best when he wrote about His mental space,

“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” -Phil. 2:5-8

He wanted to relate to us personally.

• It was purposeful.

Perhaps this can be closely connected to being personal, but there is a distinction. Being personal is relational and internal—it connects Him to us. Being purposeful is missional and external—it carries His name beyond us.

For Jesus’ message to echo from the present into eternity future and eternity past, the coming of the Son of Man must mean more than merely “the now.”

Isaiah 53:11 said it best,

“Out of the anguish of His soul He shall see and be satisfied; by His knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous and He shall bear their iniquities.”

His title, Son of Man, must mean more than merely a passing death. It must point to an atoning death.

Just as the Apostle Paul said,

“...He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross”

- Philippians 2:8

Jesus fully embraced His humanity. He was punished and suffered, bore our griefs and sins, and paid the penalty for our sin.

Second, [The Son of Man came] not to be served, but to serve (Mark 10:45b; Matthew 20:28b).

First, it was prophesied that Jesus would be a servant. There are at least four “Servant Songs” in the book of Isaiah describing Him as the Servant of the Lord, the last of which ties them all together like the perfect slipknot.

They are in this order:

• Isaiah 42:1–9

• Isaiah 49:1–13

• Isaiah 50:4–11

• Isaiah 52:13–53:12

All of this then culminates in Isaiah 52-3, where it explicitly describes Jesus as the Suffering Servant.

Second, serving was His posture and position. Yet there are two parts to this section. There were instances in which Jesus was “served.”

So, does that make the first part untrue? Let’s look at a few of these.

• Jesus was served after His temptation in the wilderness. Scripture says the angels ministered to Him. He was also ministered to by an angel during His prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane before He went to the cross (Matthew 4; Luke 22).

• Jesus was served meals. This is true not only of Mary and Martha, but Jesus was also a welcome guest in many homes (Luke 10:38–42; Luke 19:1–10; Luke 7:36–50; Matthew 9:10–17; and other Lukan accounts).

• Jesus was served by Mary of Bethany, who wiped His feet with her hair (John 12:1–8).

However, context is key.

At first glance, it may seem that Jesus sought to be served. However, that is not the case.

Here are a couple of reasons:

1. First, whenever Jesus entered a home, He had already been serving others. Many, if not all, of those families expressed their gratitude by providing Him with a meal and perhaps a place to lay His head and rest. At no point did Jesus have the mentality or carried the aura of a pompous, selfish king lavishly being fed by peasants.

2. Second, Jesus used many teachable moments or perhaps better stated, teaching moments. In the narrative of Mary and Martha, Jesus used the occasion to teach Martha. In other settings, He shared truth through parables and revealed wisdom through aphorisms.

Being a servant was not only prophesied, but it was also His posture and position.

Third, [The Son of Man came, not to be served but to serve] and to give His life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45c; Matthew 20:28c).

Circle the word ransom here. I want to camp out on it for a bit.

The Greek word for ransom is lutron. It is recorded in two places and is written almost identically in Matthew 20:28 and Mark 10:45.

It is a combination of two words:

• The first part of the word is luo. It is the verb meaning “to release” or “to loosen.”

• The second part of the word is tron. This is the word for “a tool.”

The illustration I often use is the claw of a hammer.

That is the U-shaped ridge on the back of a hammer that, when placed under a nail and pulled, releases or removes a nail that has been driven into a wooden slab.

In much the same way, the tool—Jesus’ life given in payment for the penalty of sin—loosened or released mankind from paying the consequence of sin.

Jesus paid the price.

Yet Scripture says there is a limitation—not in the sufficiency of Christ’s death and atonement, but in its efficacy.

Salvation is a two-sided reality.

Christ has accomplished everything necessary for redemption through His perfect life, sacrificial death, and victorious resurrection. Yet Scripture also calls people to respond in faith. And not all will believe.

Servantship builds on Christ’s example.

It is inherently incarnational, reflecting the reality that God became man in the person of Christ. It is further refined through teachable moments of humility and obedience, as demonstrated by Christ, who came not to be served but to serve.

In review:

• “For the Son of Man came…”

The title Son of Man was deeply personal because it connected His humanity with ours. But it was also profoundly purposeful because His physical death accomplished so much.

• “…Not to be served, but to serve…”

Servantship began at the incarnation and continued through teachable and teaching moments, expressed in His aphorisms, parables, and daily interactions.

• “And to give His life as a ransom for many.”

Ultimately, servantship culminated in sacrifice, finding its fullest expression in Christ’s willingness to lay down His life and die in our place.

Yet, there is a tension that resides in servantship that you may relate to.

Take, for example, the familiar act of helping an elderly woman across the street.

One person might watch as you assist her and say, “He’s just seeking attention,” or, “He’s only trying to make himself look good.” Such perceptions of hubris and self-exaltation are common in our day, especially in the social media age, where a tripod and an iPhone camera are never far away.

It is not difficult to stage a moment, capture a selfie, and appear compassionate while being completely disingenuous.

One major takeaway is this:

Rather than becoming distracted by selfish desires for recognition or the opinions of others, every opportunity to serve should become a teachable moment that God uses as a tool for sanctification.

In essence, something deeply personal becomes purposeful.

And something purposeful becomes the discovery of a posture and position God has been cultivating within us all along.

Each time we behold and know Christ, pride and prejudice ebbs away, and the posture of servantship rises to the surface as we abide in Him more deeply each day.

Servantship: Axiom Two - Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant - Matthew 25:14-30

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2016). English Standard Version Bible Crossway. (Original work published 2001)

Desiring God. (n.d.). The Son of Man came to serve. https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/the-son-of-man-came-to-serve

Desiring God. (n.d.). Why is Jesus called Son of Man? https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/why-is-jesus-called-son-of-man

Galindo, B. (2022, June 2). This is what the world was like in 2002. BuzzFeed. https://www.buzzfeed.com/briangalindo/this-is-what-the-world-was-like-in-2002

Got Questions Ministries. (n.d.). Why did Jesus refer to Himself as the Son of Man? https://www.gotquestions.org/Jesus-Son-of-Man.html

Precious Seed. (n.d.). A word for today: The price of release—Ransom (GK. lutron).https://www.preciousseed.org/articles/a-word-for-today-price-of-release-ransom-gk-lutron/

Taylor, J. (n.d.). Jesus Christ, Son of Man. The Gospel Coalition. https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/essay/jesus-christ-son-man/

Among the books I have engaged are:

• The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership

• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

• Lead Like Jesus

• The Next Generation Leader

• How Successful People Lead

• The Pastor as CEO

• The Pastor as Leader

• The 10 Key Roles of a Pastor

• Purpose Driven Church

If I were to summarize the collective emphasis of these works, they focus heavily on administrative giftedness, vision casting, mission development, and strategic execution.

Churches often seek visionary leaders—individuals with charisma, influence, and the capacity to carry the torch of growth. The objective is not merely to increase the size of the congregation, but to expand programs, influence, visibility, and organizational presence.

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Alongside this emphasis on growth is the model of attraction that has become commonplace in many modern churches. Leaders have increasingly assumed the responsibility of remaining culturally relevant, investing significant amounts of time, treasure, and talent into cultivating the right atmosphere, experience, and culture.

Beginning around 2020, several research organizations and commentators, including Baptist New Global, Churchfront, Pew Research, and Carey Nieuwhof, have noted a growing trend within contemporary church culture.

Architecture has become as much a character in the narrative as the message itself. Aesthetics have increasingly contributed to a “model of attraction” that often resembles the corporate world: minimalist design, stadium-style environments, front-and-center live bands, immersive sound production, and highly curated worship experiences.

Production value has become a central feature of the gathering. Many leaders, convinced through their gifts of vision casting, strategy, and influence, have argued that the more seamless the experience and the fewer the distractions, the easier it becomes for attendees to sense the presence of God.

Yet this paradigm operates primarily from the top down. It has become the prevailing norm. We emphasize and magnify the modern leader—the strategist, the visionary, the culture creator. The required skill sets are extensive and nuanced, ranging from content creation and event planning to organizational development and program management.

These leaders are articulate, engaging, culturally aware, and often highly persuasive. They possess a pragmatic voice, know how to command an audience, communicate with confidence, and capture attention.

All the while, whether the pastor functions as a CEO, attracts large crowds, creates win-win organizational structures, delivers cutting-edge presentations, or successfully develops emerging leaders, I have noticed a recurring pattern throughout much of the literature.

There is a great deal written about leading, but comparatively little written about serving. There is much discussion of influence, effectiveness, growth, and success in the name of Christendom, yet far less attention given to the heart of a servant.

My intention is not to dismantle leadership theories or dismiss leadership principles. Many of the books I have read emphasize character-driven leadership, encourage sanctification, and advocate virtues such as commitment, community, and collaboration.

The same can be said of small churches, as they are equally capable of adopting the very same models and paradigms.

Church size, in itself, has little bearing on the leadership culture or organizational framework that ultimately shapes the institution. Whether large or small, churches can fall prey to the same leadership patterns, assumptions, and structural dynamics.

It is not my intention to critique contemporary leadership models, ministry trends, or debate the effectiveness of megachurches in advancing the work of the Lord. Rather, I acknowledge that these leadership dynamics and organizational structures are often most visible and readily observed within larger church institutions.

I would be remiss, however, if I failed to acknowledge the significant role many megachurches play in reaching people with the gospel. Their attractional models and engaging styles of ministry have drawn many to "come and see" the message of Christ.

In their own ways, many have been effective in proclaiming the gospel and reaching audiences that might not otherwise step into a church.

However, I have discovered very few who have dedicated significant attention to servantship.

First, servantship is not formally recognized as a word. It does not appear in Cambridge, Merriam-Webster’s or the Oxford Dictionary, nor has it received meaningful treatment in popular discourse. Consequently, the concept itself requires definition.

While doulos (δοῦλος) appears more than 100 times in the New Testament and is typically translated as “slave,” it is also rendered as “servant” in many contexts. Its verb form, douleuō (δουλεύω), appears at least 25 times and is commonly translated as “to serve” or “to yield in obedience.”

Another important term is diakonos (διάκονος), which appears approximately 29 times in the New Testament and is commonly translated as “deacon,” “servant,” or “minister.” The term conveys the idea of a helper or one who serves others. Additionally, its verb form, diakoneō (διακονέω), occurs more than 30 times and consistently carries the meaning “to serve,” “to minister,” or “to care for others.”

To avoid circulus in definiendo (circular definition):

Second, servantship is one of the most prominent characteristics of Jesus. Aside from the crowds calling Him Teacher, the disciples addressing Him as Rabbi, and others referring to Him as Lord, there is remarkably little emphasis in Scripture on Jesus being identified primarily as a leader. Let it be clear: I am not opposed to leadership, but I am convinced that Scripture places a greater emphasis on servantship. And in writing this I will purposefully and intentionally overemphasize being a servant over being a leader.

Third, I will explore this concept through the aphorisms of Jesus—His lessons communicated through metaphor, contrast, irony, parable, and story. Seven of these lessons will serve as illustrations of servantship in practice.

For example, we often say that a leader should practice humility and lead with a quiet, humble spirit. We even joke that no leader should ever ask the question, “Am I a humble leader?”

I would argue that a servant’s humility is not merely a virtue to be cultivated; it is embedded within the very concept of servantship itself.

While a leader may choose to exercise humility as a character trait, humility is intrinsic to the identity of a servant. It is not simply an attribute added to servantship; it is baked into the word itself. Just as a straight spine is essential for one who walks upright, so a humble spirit is essential for one who serves well.

Finally, this study will draw heavily from a single text to which I will repeatedly return. That text is found in Matthew 20:28 and its parallel account in Mark 10:45:

“For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.”

This statement serves as both the foundation and the framework for understanding servantship as the defining characteristic of Christ and, consequently, the defining posture of those who follow Him.

Here are the seven axioms:

1. “The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve.” (Matthew 20:28, Mark 10:45)

2. “Well done, good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:21, 23)

3. “Everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 14:11)

4. “Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.” (John 13:16)

5. “The greatest among you shall be your servant.” (Matthew 23:11)

6. “The last will be first, and the first last.” (Matthew 20:16)

7. “No one can serve two masters.” (Matthew 6:24)

I usually start with a story, but this time I’ll end with one.

Growing up, I was accustomed to watching older teenagers and young adults, typically in their twenties and thirties, set up and take down tables each week after the worship service at the Chinese church I attended.

I remember talking with a couple of my mentors one day and asking, “Why are so many young people willing to set up the tables, clean them, and then put everything away after a large fellowship meal?”

The purpose of the meal each week was to ensure that immigrants from China, college students, high school students, families, and those serving in the nursery all had an opportunity to mingle. People who otherwise had very little in common except their shared culture would sit together and talk about family, food, and their upbringing.

I found out that I had a lot that was uncommon. You read that correctly—not “in common,” but uncommon — the things, characteristics, and life circumstances I do not share with a particular people group, yet still experience and live through.

I hardly spoke the language. I could not relate to their lifestyles in Hong Kong or Xi’an, China. Even culturally, it was difficult because our congregation was predominantly composed of people from diverse backgrounds, including Central and South America (e.g., Jamaican Chinese, Brazilian Taiwanese, and many other cultural blends), along with other Asian communities. Some were fluent in three languages—Portuguese, Spanish, and Chinese.

I hardly understood the culture. Because of all the differences and everything I found uncommon, I had to dig deeper to develop meaningful relationships. My English was also average. I grew up in a home where Cantonese was predominantly spoken.

So not only was it difficult to understand American English, but hearing English mixed with Spanish, along with Chinese accents in Mandarin, Taiwanese, and Cantonese, made the constant cultural and linguistic flux even more challenging.

I hardly grasped the look. I could never adjust to being culturally relevant because I could never fully embrace the culture. Between language barriers, generational gaps, and the constant cultural flux around me, it was difficult to feel like I belonged. My family often wore hand-me-downs, and because we lived with a scarcity mentality, we rarely had many new clothes to wear.

Personally, I found it difficult to serve. What was in it for me? What did I stand to gain?

But I digress.

Going back to my question, my mentors replied,

It was the first time I learned about serving by first watching and then asking.

I witnessed servants of God intentionally teaching and passing down a legacy of serving others.

A little later, I learned about the Pareto Principle, often called the 80/20 rule. This concept comes from the Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto, who observed that 20 percent of the pea pods in his garden produced 80 percent of the harvest. He developed this observation through agricultural production, but over time the principle has often been applied to many other areas, including the modern church, where it is commonly said that 20 percent of the people do 80 percent of the work.

That observation says a great deal about productivity, but what does it say about servantship?

How do we cultivate a culture in which everyone serves one another?

Servantship cannot simply be reduced to the character trait. It has to be something more.

My hope is that through this analysis I can discover what that “more” is.

How can I uncover the heart of a servant through Christ?

Hopefully, through the way He lived and, ultimately, through the way He loved.

Servantship: Axiom One - Not to be Served, but to Serve - Mark 10:45, Matthew 20:28

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Covey, S. R. (2020). The 7 habits of highly effective people (30th anniversary ed.). Simon & Schuster.

Hybels, B., & Hodges, P. (2005). Lead like Jesus: Lessons from the greatest leadership role model of all time. Thomas Nelson.

Lawless, C. (2017). The pastor as leader: Principles and practices for connecting preaching and leadership. Kregel Academic.

Maxwell, J. C. (1998). The 21 irrefutable laws of leadership: Follow them and people will follow you. Thomas Nelson.

Maxwell, J. C. (2007). The 21 irrefutable laws of leadership (Rev. & updated ed.). Thomas Nelson.

Maxwell, J. C. (2009). The 10 key roles of a pastor. Thomas Nelson.

Maxwell, J. C. (2011). The next generation leader: 5 essentials for those who will shape the future. Thomas Nelson.

Maxwell, J. C. (2014). How successful people lead: Taking your influence to the next level. Center Street.

Neuwhof, C. (n.d.). 7 things the church needs to stop doing (that aren’t in the Bible). https://careynieuwhof.com/5-stupid-things-the-church-needs-to-stop-doing-to-make-progress/

Neuwhof, C. (2020). 6 disruptive church trends that will rule 2020. https://careynieuwhof.com/6-disruptive-church-trends-that-will-rule-2020/

Neuwhof, C. (2025). 5 disruptive church trends that will rule 2025. https://careynieuwhof.com/church-trends-2025/

Rick Warren. (1995). The purpose driven church: Growth without compromising your message & mission. Zondervan.

Shaw, J. (n.d.). I asked people why they’re leaving Christianity, and here’s what I heard. Baptist News Global. https://baptistnews.com/article/i-asked-people-why-theyre-leaving-christianity-and-heres-what-i-heard/

Surma, K. (n.d.). Understanding the Pareto principle (the 80/20 rule). BetterExplained. https://betterexplained.com/articles/understanding-the-pareto-principle-the-8020-rule/

Sweet, L. (2019). The pastor as CEO: The business of ministry. Wipf & Stock.

Part 2: Formation of Anger - Origins and Triggers - Genesis 4

Part 3: Interpretation of Anger - Moral and Behavioral Processing - 2 Samuel 10-11

If this were a class, this would be the final session.

If this were a book, this would be the last chapter.

Yet this final section addresses some of the most difficult questions of all—emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Therapists, both Christian and secular, often debate these issues from different perspectives:

• Should we reconcile?

• Should we restore the relationship?

• Is forgiveness enough, or is something more required?

One of the most powerful stories of forgiveness in recent years took place in 2019. Dallas police officer Amber Guyger entered the apartment of Botham Jean, mistakenly believing it was her own apartment and that he was an intruder. According to her testimony, she acted under that mistaken belief and fatally shot him.

During the trial, many believed she deserved to spend the rest of her life in prison. Ultimately, she was sentenced to ten years in prison and became eligible for parole after five years.

What happened in that courtroom, however, continues to echo through conversations about forgiveness. During the sentencing phase, the victim’s eighteen-year-old brother, Brandt Jean, asked the judge for permission to hug Guyger.

Before embracing her, he said:

Share

In the midst of grief, anger, and every temptation toward revenge, Brandt chose forgiveness. Through that embrace, he demonstrated that mercy could coexist with justice, and that forgiveness does not require denying the reality of pain.

I want to use this opportunity to explore some personal and biblical reflections on forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration.

Before doing so, however, I want to acknowledge a few important realities.

First, I am not the arbiter or final authority on what forgiveness should look like in every circumstance. Second, my goal is not to measure which sins are “bad enough” to withhold forgiveness or “small enough” to grant it easily. The conviction of the human heart ultimately belongs to the work of the Holy Spirit. Finally, I want to acknowledge that trauma is real.

Deep wounds affect people differently, and healing is often far more complex than simple answers allow.

As we begin, many of the phrases and questions we will discuss are ones we have heard or perhaps even spoken ourselves—in relationships with the people we love most.

• “That was forever ago. Why are we still talking about it?”

• “You just need to move on already.”

• “Can’t you just let it go?”

• “I already apologized. What else do you want from me?”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “I didn’t mean it.”

• “You always make everything a bigger deal than it is.”

• “Why can’t we just go back to normal?”

• “You’re still holding onto that?”

• “I said I was sorry, can you stop bringing it up?”

Even if forgiveness is ultimately extended, phrases like these can reflect ignorance and insensitivity toward the depth of another person’s hurt. Forgiveness is not something that can be demanded on command, nor should the Bible be wielded as a trump card to end difficult conversations.

God’s Word is meant to bring healing, conviction, and restoration—not to be used as a weapon against those who are hurting.

That being said, this section will have four questions to answer.
**Each one has a link so you can jump straight to the question with a click.

1. Why does my anger often wound the very people I claim to love most?

2. After harsh words, public outbursts, passive aggression, or emotional shutdowns, how do I begin rebuilding trust in damaged relationships?

3. In a culture that says “forgive and forget,” what does biblical forgiveness actually require—and does forgiveness always mean forgetting?

4. As Christians navigating toxic dynamics, church hurt, family fractures, and broken trust, when does reconciliation become wise, possible, or even necessary?

Why does my anger often wound the very people I claim to love most?

The simple answer is that, over time, the people closest to us see not only our best qualities but also our worst. They witness our failures, weaknesses, and imperfections. Yet because of the bond we share with them, those relationships are often far more difficult to sever than others.

In some ways, a kind of desensitization takes place.

It is the same reason you can put your feet up on a chair, burp out loud, or pass gas around family members without anyone batting an eye. They have learned, for better or worse, to “put up with you.”

More importantly, however, love lowers our defenses. It exposes our insecurities, frustrations, fears, and unmet expectations.

The closer someone gets to us, the more vulnerable we become. And the more vulnerable we are, the greater the potential for hurt. As a result, the people we love most often possess the greatest ability to wound us—not because they always intend to, but because they have been given access to the deepest parts of our hearts.

Be wary of relational patterns that emerge when familiarity turns into contempt, disrespect, or emotional carelessness.

Some common warning signs include:

• Excessive sarcasm disguised as “just joking”

• Belittling comments or manipulative flattery

• Constant teasing, mocking, or humiliation

• Repeatedly reopening unresolved emotional wounds

• Cycles of negativity, criticism, or escalation

• Rapid, intense, or consistently raised speech during conflict

• Falling back into recognizable unhealthy relational patterns

• Disregarding emotional, physical, or conversational boundaries

• Dismissing concerns or shifting blame instead of taking responsibility

• Gaslighting, minimizing, or causing someone to question their own reality

These behaviors are often normalized over time, especially within close relationships, friendships, families, churches, and marriages. Yet repeated exposure to such patterns can slowly erode trust, emotional safety, and healthy communication.

Over time, these warning signs can become indicators of an abusive relationship.

Statistically, women are more likely than men to remain in abusive relationships, whether in marriage or in a serious, committed dating relationship. In some Christian communities, the social stigma surrounding separation and divorce can create additional barriers for those seeking help, when what is most needed is support, protection, and care for the hurting spouse.

Furthermore, if a woman decides to separate from an abusive husband, she may find little support from others within more traditional circles. At times, Scripture is misapplied in ways that pressure her to remain in harmful situations. She may be told to continue supporting a verbally or physically abusive husband or to submit to his leadership despite ongoing mistreatment.

In all of these cases, this is not the kind of love God intends for her. Many remain in abusive relationships out of fear—fear of threats against their children, fear of public shame, fear of giving up on their spouse, or fear that they themselves are somehow to blame. Some begin to believe that if they simply tried harder or changed more, the abuse would stop.

This reflects a dangerous form of desensitization. It is among the deepest kinds of wounds a person can experience. Abuse breaks trust, damages hearts, and causes psychological, physical, emotional, and spiritual harm. Most importantly, it is never acceptable.

Those who know me understand that I am not an advocate for divorce. Yet neither am I an advocate for excusing abuse or forcing someone to endure ongoing harm in the name of preserving a marriage.

One passage frequently cited in these discussions is Malachi 2:14–16:

“Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. ‘For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘covers his garment with violence,’ says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”

More clearly in the New Living Translation: “For I [God] hate divorce.”

However, the primary concern of Malachi’s prophecy is covenant faithfulness. The prophet confronts husbands who were betraying their wives through both spiritual and marital unfaithfulness. God’s command is to guard one’s spirit against faithlessness and to honor the covenant relationship He established.

When a husband consistently violates that covenant through abuse, intimidation, violence, cruelty, or persistent unrepentant sin, he is already acting faithlessly toward both his wife and the Lord. The covenant is not honored merely by remaining legally married; it is honored through love, sacrifice, protection, fidelity, and care.

For that reason, there are circumstances in which separation may be necessary for safety, protection, and healing.

While divorce should never be pursued lightly, neither should Scripture be used to compel a spouse to remain in a situation that causes ongoing harm and violates God’s design for marriage.

After harsh words, public outbursts, passive aggression, or emotional shutdowns, how do I begin rebuilding trust in damaged relationships?

If these acts are still ongoing, you don’t.

I do not believe there is a place where rampant verbal, physical and spiritual abuse is ongoing and you remain in a place where you are constantly hurting, wounded and torn down. This is not a place of safety and belonging.

You need to leave.

However if you are in a predicament with a friend, spouse or family member where there is mutual interest and vulnerability to confront the past and present for a better future, then there is potential to rebuild trust, slowly.

And by slowly, I use the illustration for a baby’s crawl.

I recall the first time my oldest daughter learned to crawl. At first, she was spending months from her back to roll to her front. And then she spend a few more weeks rolling from her back to the front and then to the low plank position where her elbows propped her up. Then it took a few more days to figure out she can use the sticky part of her thighs and knees to proper her forward.

All this took 4-6 weeks and if you take starting from birth it took almost ten months.

Simple routine skills as an adult took weeks and months to learn. But these are noticeable skills that lock into muscle memory after being used over and over again.

The emotional muscle, the mind, takes longer to adapt to developing new skills.

But not just new skills, but rewiring. It is having alot to do with healing from old wounds, moving from self-blame and into baby skills that become new found memory skills. But that does not remove the mental hurdles and trauma from being triggered over and over and over again.

In the National Board for Certified Counselors, there is a statement that is profound:

“Previous relational trauma, including abuse in all forms—psychological, physical, sexual—that is unhealed, can cause trust issues. Where there is complex developmental trauma, multiple traumatic experiences at the hands of different people early in life, the struggle to regulate emotions and respond thoughtfully often is compromised.

Two common fears that emerge from these experiences are a fear of abandonment and a fear of inadequacy. Abandonment fears can lead to anxious pursuing relational behavior, while inadequacy fears can lead to avoidant withdrawing behavior. Often, these become problematic relationship behaviors and cycles that cause relationship distress.” - Dr. Cashwell

There is so much here to unpack from challenges from your youth to painful memories and hardship from your friends and family.

But even in a secular sense, the word “unhealed” is a difficult word to quantify or qualify.

In essence, how and when do you know you are truly healed?

In many ways, you don’t.

I would walk with utmost care. It would be good to always assume everyone you come across walks with unhealed trauma, a hard past or dealing with the consequences of painful sin.

If you desire to rebuild trust, trust the Lord that He would heal slowly and carefully always knowing that your loved ones and yourself may not or never be fully healed on this earthly side of the heaven.

And learn fully well as mentioned earlier,

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” - James 1:19

In a culture that says “forgive and forget,” what does biblical forgiveness actually require—and does forgiveness always mean forgetting?

Matthew 18:15–22 is one of the most frequently cited passages on forgiveness, primarily because it carries significant weight. Jesus is speaking directly to His disciples, and these are not merely the words of a teacher, but of God incarnate.

What is noteworthy, however, is that Jesus does not begin with “forgetting.” Rather, He emphasizes the importance of personal confrontation.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” (v. 15a)

Both parts of this verse are conditional. The second half reveals the desired outcome of confrontation—a mutual acknowledgment that wrongdoing has occurred.

“If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” (v. 15b)

In other words, the brother has been confronted, he has heard the concern, and he agrees that he has sinned against you.

Verse 16 addresses the alternative.

“But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” (v. 16)

Just as in the previous verse, there are two possible responses: either he listens and agrees, or he refuses to do so. If there is still no acknowledgment of wrongdoing, Jesus instructs His followers to proceed to the next step. In verse 17, the church becomes involved in the matter.

Peter then raises a sincere question:

“Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”

Jesus responds,

“I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (vv. 21–22)

Peter asks about the limits of forgiveness, and Jesus responds by removing any numerical limit altogether. Forgiveness, in principle, is not meant to be measured or rationed.

However, while forgiveness may be limitless, relationships are not without boundaries. Forgiveness does not require a person to remain in an abusive environment or continually expose themselves to ongoing harm. Healthy boundaries are both wise and necessary.

Furthermore, the human mind is powerful. Not only does it remember pain, but when trauma has not been fully processed, it often remembers moments of danger with remarkable clarity. Wounds require time to heal, and even then, some scars remain.

One of the most important realities to recognize is that healing takes time.

Forgiveness may be offered in a moment, but rebuilding trust, restoring safety, and repairing a relationship often require much longer. In some situations, complete restoration may never be possible.

In this passage, Jesus emphasizes the importance of confronting sin and carefully addressing wrongdoing. He also teaches that forgiveness should be limitless. Yet He does not command people to forget, nor does He require them to immediately restore trust or ignore wisdom.

As noted earlier, when genuine confrontation occurs and there is a willingness to pursue repentance and restoration, both parties can begin working toward redemption together. But that process takes time, and it is important to allow those who have been hurt the space they need to heal and process their pain.

For that reason, we should be cautious of statements such as:

• “You must forgive me—that’s what the Bible says.”

• “If you were a real Christian, you would have already forgiven me.”

• “You are not a Christian because you haven’t forgiven me.” (A misapplication of Matthew 18:35.)

• “Why can’t you just let it go?”

• “I already said I’m sorry. What more do you want?”

• “Can’t we just go back to the way things were?”

• “You need to stop bringing up the past.”

• “You’re being bitter.”

• “You’re making this into a bigger deal than it really was.”

• “The Bible says love keeps no record of wrongs.”

• “You just need to extend grace.”

• “The fact that you’re still holding a grudge proves you haven’t forgiven me.”

• “Forgiveness means reconciliation.”

By contrast, responses like these often demonstrate humility, empathy, and genuine repentance:

• “I realize forgiveness is a process. Take the time you need.”

• “It will take time to rebuild trust because I broke it.”

• “What I did caused real harm, and I deeply hurt you.”

• “I respect your boundaries.”

• “I am committed to demonstrating repentance through my actions, not merely asking for forgiveness.”

• “My heart breaks over my sin. I take full responsibility for my actions and for the hurt I have caused you.”

Forgiveness may be offered freely, but trust must be rebuilt faithfully. Reconciliation is not achieved through pressure, manipulation, or demands. It grows through repentance, consistency, humility, accountability, and time.

As Christians navigating toxic dynamics, church hurt, family fractures, and broken trust, when does reconciliation become wise, possible, or even necessary?

There are three cases in Scripture where horrifying examples of infidelity, incest, and betrayal are recorded and examined. Although these are certainly not the only examples, I want to mention them here:

• The pursuit of Hosea for Gomer to return home—a story of infidelity, yet also a promise of a God who restores and redeems. (Hosea)

• The discipline of a man sleeping with his father’s wife—a severe case of incest that led Paul to command church discipline, followed by restoration upon repentance. (1 Cor. 5; 2 Cor. 2)

• The prodigal son and his “never give up, never let you down” father. This is the story of a loving father who eagerly waits for and welcomes his repentant son without hesitation. (Luke 15:11–32)

I believe each of these accounts speaks to the very issues we wrestle with today when it comes to toxic dynamics.

Kenneth Gangel, an experienced leader in the field of Christian education, has written, “The dynamics of toxicity include the creation of fear and guilt, manipulation, abuse, [and] authoritarian leadership...”

And in many, if not all, of these cases, there is a sense of narcissism, an abuse of power, and a lack of desire to pursue reconciliation or restoration for the sake of the relationship.

Unfortunately, Scripture gives clear guidelines that when these things happen, you cannot simply ignore the problem or hope that it will disappear.

• Case 1: Hosea and Gomer

The relationship between Hosea and Gomer serves as a reflection of the relationship between God and Israel. It is a typological study, with Hosea representing God through his willingness to receive and restore Gomer as his wife.

Gomer, in turn, represents Israel—a nation that repeatedly betrayed her Husband, acted faithlessly, pursued other lovers, and continually rejected His covenant love.

Some scholars have suggested that the children mentioned in chapter one may not have been Hosea’s biological children. What is clear, however, is that the Lord commanded Hosea to marry a woman with a history of unfaithfulness. (Hosea 1:2, 4, 6, and 8)

What is remarkable is that throughout their marriage, Hosea appears to remain faithful. He continued to care for Gomer even as she persisted in her infidelity.

Hosea provided her with a home, food, clothing, and even resources that ultimately benefited both her and her lovers. Yet she refused to acknowledge him. Eventually, Hosea reached a point where he was prepared to let her go, much as God would allow Israel to experience the consequences of her unfaithfulness.

Yet by the end of the book, Israel is called to return to the Lord, and Hosea 14:4–7 provides a beautiful picture of restoration:

“I will heal their apostasy;
I will love them freely,
for my anger has turned from them.
I will be like the dew to Israel;
he shall blossom like the lily;
he shall take root like the trees of Lebanon;
his shoots shall spread out;
his beauty shall be like the olive,
and his fragrance like Lebanon.
They shall return and dwell beneath my shadow;
they shall flourish like the grain;
they shall blossom like the vine;
their fame shall be like the wine of Lebanon.”

It is evident throughout Hosea that the central theme is faithfulness versus faithlessness. The relationship between Hosea and Gomer mirrors the relationship between the Lord and Israel, highlighting both Israel’s rebellion and God’s steadfast love.

So why did this marriage work in the end?

From a human perspective, it seemed doomed from the start.

Furthermore, one could argue that Hosea appears almost like a doormat. He continually endured Gomer’s mistreatment, appeared passive at times, and may even seem to some readers to be enabling destructive behavior.

However, this is a unique case in which God was actively directing, speaking into, and guiding the relationship. There was a greater prophetic purpose behind the marriage that extended far beyond Hosea and Gomer themselves.

The story ultimately demonstrates that God’s faithfulness knows no limits. His love remains steadfast even toward Israel, the continually “unfaithful wife.”

Would I recommend Hosea and Gomer as a direct model for every marriage struggling with infidelity today? Yes and no.

• Yes, because it demonstrates that God can redeem even the most broken and difficult marriages. No marriage is beyond His power to restore.

• No, because unfaithfulness and infidelity are serious covenant violations, and no spouse should assume that enduring ongoing betrayal is their only biblical option. Scripture never requires a husband or wife to remain indefinitely in a destructive situation simply because Hosea did.

Instead, consider the narrative in its entirety.

Above all else, it is a display of God’s faithfulness reflected through Hosea. God used this relationship to proclaim that even those who consider themselves beyond saving—those who see themselves as unsalvageable, broken, or hopeless like Gomer—can still be pursued by a faithful Redeemer.

For those of us mired in guilt, fear, sin, and shame, the message of Hosea remains the same:

God still redeems.

God still restores.

God remains faithful even when His people have been faithless.

• Case 2: A Man and his Father’s Wife

This is a case of incest. When I teach on church discipline and restoration, I often use this example as a “worst-case scenario.”

“It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife.” — 1 Corinthians 5:1

Immediately, Paul does not soften the charge. There is incest and sexual immorality within the church.

Yet Paul tells the church that they should be mourning and grieving over what this sin has done to the body of Christ. Furthermore, in verse two, he instructs them to remove this brother from among them.
Paul becomes even more direct regarding the consequences in verse five:

“You are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.” — 1 Corinthians 5:5

This man is not only found out; he is called out and sent out.

Some interpret this as excommunication—the removal of an unrepentant sinner from the fellowship of the church. However, the purpose of such discipline is not punishment for punishment’s sake. Rather, it is intended to bring the sinner to repentance so that he might eventually be restored.

After all, this is a horrifying and deeply embarrassing case of sexual sin. Nearly every aspect of this relationship is toxic and destructive.

There is broken trust between a father and son. There is humiliation for the woman involved and for the family within the community. There are legitimate grounds for the father to separate from his wife. The son has brought shame upon himself and his family. Not to mention the legal and social consequences that would likely accompany such a situation.

Yet this story takes a remarkable turn toward restoration.

“Now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure—not to put it too severely—to all of you. For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.

So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything. Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.” — 2 Corinthians 2:5–11

This passage in 2 Corinthians has often been connected to the man mentioned in 1 Corinthians 5. If that connection is correct, then the man not only repented and received forgiveness, but he was also welcomed back into the fellowship of the church.

Once again, we see a case in which discipline ultimately leads to reconciliation and restoration. The goal was never merely removal. The goal was repentance, forgiveness, and the reaffirmation of love.

This serves as an important reminder that biblical discipline and biblical restoration are not opposing ideas. When carried out rightly, discipline is one of the means God uses to bring about repentance, healing, and eventual reconciliation.

• Case 3: The Prodigal Son and the Faithful Father

This story is unlike the others. It does not involve promiscuity in the same direct sense, and at first glance it may seem easier to conclude that reconciliation and restoration are possible.

However, I do not believe the situation is as simple as it appears on the surface. The relationship is deeply fractured from the beginning. First, the son asks for his share of the property and inheritance before his father’s death. The implication can easily be understood as, “I wish you were dead so I could have what belongs to me.” Second, he proceeds to squander the inheritance that his father had worked a lifetime to accumulate.

The son wanted his father’s wealth, but he did not want his father’s wisdom.

To borrow a line from Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings: “Fool of a Took!” Gandalf famously shouted this at Pippin after he accidentally knocked a skull into a deep well in the Mines of Moria, alerting the orcs to their presence.

In many ways, the prodigal son displays a similar recklessness. He acts without considering the consequences of his decisions until the damage has already been done.

Furthermore, when the prodigal son ran out of money and food because a severe famine arose in the land, he did not immediately return to his father for help. Instead, he hired himself out to a citizen of that country to feed pigs.

His circumstances became so desperate that he longed to eat the very food he was feeding them.

“So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.” — Luke 15:15–16

Eventually, however, he came to his senses. He remembered what he had left behind and realized that even the hired servants in his father’s household lived better than he did. Returning home as a servant seemed preferable to remaining where he was.

Yet the faithful father did far more than the son expected. He did not merely tolerate his return. He felt compassion, ran to meet him, embraced him, and welcomed him home.

“For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.” — Luke 15:24

Although the story ends beautifully, it still contains the underpinnings of a deeply dysfunctional relationship. The father extends mercy without first demanding proof that his son will never repeat his mistakes. There is no guarantee that the son will not return to his former lifestyle.

Furthermore, the older brother provides additional details about his brother’s behavior: (see v. 30)

• He devoured his father’s property.

• He squandered his inheritance.

• He spent his wealth on prostitutes.

From a human perspective, there were many reasons for skepticism and caution.

Yet the father chose compassion over resentment. He saw beyond his son’s failures and welcomed him back into the family. His actions reflect the heart of God toward repentant sinners. The focus of the parable is not the greatness of the son’s rebellion, but the greatness of the father’s love.

In the end, the father’s willingness to receive his son was rooted in love, mercy, and the joy that accompanies genuine repentance.

The son who had been lost had returned.

The last part of the final question needs to be addressed before we close:

“When does reconciliation become wise, possible, or even necessary?”

In all of these cases, there was eventually a mutual desire for repentance and reconciliation.

However, in the short term, reconciliation may never feel wise, possible, or even necessary. Whatever you choose to call it—tough love, accepting consequences, allowing time to heal wounds, or something else—reconciliation can happen, but it cannot be demanded.

In each of these accounts, God’s limitless love and righteous judgment were intertwined within the relationship. Whether it was Gomer’s infidelity, the man’s incest, or the prodigal son’s lasciviousness, restoration ultimately came because of God’s mercy.

There is no biblical trump card that can force reconciliation.

It cannot be coerced.

You cannot be manipulated, gaslighted, dismissed, or ignored into genuine forgiveness and restoration.

Repeated offenses of abuse and neglect are not laughing matters, nor are they issues that can be easily brushed aside. If you recognize these patterns in yourself or in someone you love, do not hesitate to seek help.

Biblical principles point us to the hope that is found in God because He is good, righteous, and trustworthy.

For those who are working through these issues and who acknowledge their own weaknesses, their role in the abuse, their struggles with anger, or their desire to control others, understand that change takes time.

You will not change overnight.

Allow the Holy Spirit to work in your life. Seek out the right tools and resources. Pursue help from qualified, God-fearing Christian counselors and therapists. Look for godly mentors and pastors who genuinely care about both you and your significant other and who are committed to truth rather than taking sides.

Your relationships depends on it.

Come and Reason Ministries. (n.d.). Hosea and Gomer: An object lesson. https://comeandreason.com/hosea-and-gomer-an-object-lesson/

Focus on the Family. (n.d.). Domestic violence. For Your Marriage. https://www.foryourmarriage.org/domestic-violence/

Grace and Peace Joanne. (2020, February 21). Minor prophets: Gomer leaves Hosea. https://graceandpeacejoanne.com/2020/02/21/minor-prophets-gomer-leaves-hosea/

Institute for Family Studies. (2017, November 20). Eight reasons women stay in abusive relationships. https://ifstudies.org/blog/eight-reasons-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships

Ligonier Ministries. (n.d.). Delivering a sinner to Satan. https://learn.ligonier.org/devotionals/delivering-a-sinner-to-satan

McCullough, J. (2019, October 3). Amber Guyger was hugged by her victim's brother and a judge, igniting a debate about forgiveness and race. The Texas Tribune.

National Board for Certified Counselors. (n.d.). Building trust after trauma. NBCC Foundation Newsletter.

Scholar Leaders International. (n.d.). Virtuous leadership: Overcoming toxic leadership. https://www.scholarleaders.org/virtuous-leadership-overcoming/

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2016). English Standard Version Bible.
Crossway. (Original work published 2001)

Wellesley Centers for Women. (n.d.). Battered women: What goes into the stay/leave decision?https://www.wcwonline.org/Past-years/battered-women-what-goes-into-the-stay-leave-decision

Part 2: Formation of Anger - Origins and Triggers - Genesis 4

There was yet another failed assassination attempt on the President of the United States.

The host said, with a mix of sarcasm and seriousness, “If you see yourself writing a manifesto, perhaps it’s best to stop and rethink your life priorities.”

Cole Thomas Allen reportedly had an arsenal ranging from a pump-action shotgun to knives. In his manifesto, he allegedly referred to himself as the “Friendly Federal Assassin.”

The obvious is clear through the rancor. He expressed sadness and even claimed to feel awful. Yet his processing, despite convictions that may have seemed rooted in defending the oppressed or confronting horrific atrocities done against them, ultimately led him to justify violence.

What went wrong?

This is not the first time someone with seemingly good intentions has acted with destructive outcomes. It brings to mind the account of David, Bathsheba, and Uriah. That story is marked by fatal attraction, adultery, abuse of power, conspiracy, covetousness, and premeditated murder (see 2 Samuel 11–12).

Much of life’s failure—sinful actions and reactions—flows from an inability to properly process and interpret anger.

How often have you been told by a close friend, a teammate, a parent, a sibling, or even your spouse, “Tone down your voice—you’re getting angry”?

And your typical responses may be:

• “I’m not angry.”

• “I’m just being stern—direct.”

• “I’m not raising my voice.”

• “You’re not listening to me.”

• “I’m calm—you’re making it a big deal.”

• “I wouldn’t be like this if you didn’t keep bothering me.”

• “I’m fine.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

Instead of assessing your behavior, slowing your breathing, or creating space to de-escalate, you become defensive, dismissive and blind to your own rage.

What I want to accomplish with this third part is two things:

1. Slow things down.

2. Make space for honest processing.

And by slowing things down and knowing your place in a negative cycle can really be a good beginning to process.

This section will have four questions to answer.
**Each one has a link so you can jump straight to the question with a click.

1. Is suppressing anger better than expressing it?

2. What is the difference between being “slow to anger” and avoiding conflict altogether?

3. Is passive-aggressiveness a form of anger?

4. Is it possible to be angry at sin without being angry at people?

Additionally, I will weave in the story of David and Bathsheba, but moreso the prophet Nathan’s reaction upon hearing from the Lord what David had done. But really focus on what Nathan did in order to “slow things down” and get David to a point where he can “acknowledge his sin.” But focus more on the deeper emotional response - the grief, the remorse and the change of heart.

Is suppressing anger better than expressing it?

I’ve heard this questions in at least three different ways:

• Is it better to be the “ticking time bomb” or be “explosive”?

• Is it better to blow up or bottle up?

• Is it better to be a hothead or be a silent simmer?

If there is a spectrum for measuring anger, these would perhaps represent two extreme ends of it. There are, of course, temperaments that strike a good balance between the two, or perhaps hybrids that lean heavily one way or the other.

But as we all know, when it comes to public displays, people rarely want to put their anger out there. Airing dirty laundry, such as anger, in a social media-driven culture almost makes one type, the pressure cooker or the hothead—more rare.

And when it does happen, it is often embarrassing.

For others who deal with anger like a pressure cooker, or for those whose anger takes time to simmer, it can be just as harmful as those who are reactive and explosive. Either way, if there is no processing or contemplation regarding the outcome of immediate anger or delayed anger, both can lead to the same end: damage and harm.

However, I do advocate more for being honest upfront by communicating what you are feeling. For example, if you are angry, it would be understandable and expected to say, “I feel angry at you,” or, “I am boiling and seething underneath.” Even more so, in both instances, it may be wise to personally excuse yourself from their presence in order to prevent further harm.

So, what happens if they “don’t want to stay angry at you,” or for those who would rather deal with the problem right away rather than put it off?

First, as I mentioned earlier, if the atmosphere or situation lacks safety and there is reason to walk away rather than confront, then it is better to leave. Someone has to be the wiser person, take the step, and walk away, while also being able to cool down and later express things appropriately. If it is dangerous, then, of course, leave immediately. But if there is an inclination toward calm and one can walk away peacefully, then do so.

Second, for mutual benefit, if both individuals are capable of discourse and dialogue, even while in a temperamental state, they should mutually agree to take a break from the argument or put it off. A mutual agreement means that both take responsibility for their volatile condition, understanding that very little can be resolved in a heated state.

Between the death of Uriah and King David taking Uriah’s wife as his own, several months had passed. David had not only sinned by orchestrating the murder of Uriah, but he also took advantage of the situation by taking Bathsheba as his wife, and later she bore him a son. In 2 Samuel 11:27c, the verse explicitly says,

“The thing that David had done displeased the Lord.”

God used the prophet Nathan to carefully approach David. In the following chapter, David’s anger was stirred through an illustration—a story used to reveal his sin. David’s myriad of sins had been covered up so thoroughly that it took the prophet Nathan using a story to uncover them and reveal David’s shame.

Obviously, these events stirred the anger of God’s judgment. However, in His mercy, He waited. This story perhaps puts God’s temperate character on display.

“The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.”
— Psalm 103:8

He not only waited, but also took time to help David see his own sin, feel remorse, and later repent. God gives a model for how to handle a sinful heart given over to anger among other sins.

At the end of the day, both suppressing anger and expressing anger have their benefits, but also their flaws. Without acknowledging the heart of the matter, both can end in significant harm and sin.

One can bottle up anger and eventually blow up. Likewise, someone with reactive, explosive anger can leave behind a visible trail of carnage. There is no easy or perfect way to handle anger, as both expressing it and suppressing it can be easily mishandled.

It would be best to first resolve the heart, communicate how you feel in the situation, walk away to calm down and process, and then, if and when there is an opportunity, circle back to resolve and reconcile.

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”
—Romans 12:18

What is the difference between being “slow to anger” and avoiding conflict altogether?

Both of these seem like good traits to have. However, I would personally argue that one of these is better than the other.

The authors of The Upside of Your Dark Side said this:

“It’s a mistake to presume that kindness, compassion, love, and fairness line up on one side of a continuum, and anger, rage, and dislike on another side. Positivity alone is insufficient to the task of helping us navigate social interactions and relationships. A healthy society is not an anger-free society.” — Kashdan and Biswas-Diener

Avoiding conflict often gives the perception of walking away from, or running away from, hard emotions like anger. It also connects to the previous discussion regarding the repression or suppression of anger.

And the inevitability is that eventually you will blow up. Anger, even in the midst of avoiding conflict, will eventually creep to the surface.

Psychology Today gives several descriptions regarding responses to conflict:

• Agree with the other person and say nothing — Conflict Avoidant

• Ignore the other person completely — Conflict Avoidant

• Yell back equivalent insults at your critic — Aggressive

• Calmly and evenly convey your point of view while doing what you believe is right — Assertive

Perhaps there is a passive-aggressive response somewhere in that mix as well. But nevertheless, being conflict avoidant often causes more issues.

In other words, one can be confident and assertive while also being slow to anger. This reminds me of the passage in James 1:19-20:

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

What do you notice here aside from being slow to anger?

Hopefully, you see that alongside being “slow to anger,” one is also quick to listen and slow to speak. Someone who is slow to anger is often a great listener and a wise speaker.

There is something profound about speaking less while saying more. A great listener controls both his anger and his tongue.

Be slow to anger, but try your best not to become conflict avoidant unless that alternative is necessary for your safety or protection in a dangerous situation.

Is passive-aggressiveness a form of anger?

Let’s define some terms. Like blowing up and bottling up, being passive and aggressive seem to sit on two opposite ends of a spectrum.

Passive-aggressiveness, then is the behavior that places itself somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

Passive anger is defined as anger that stews privately and inwardly. However, without the idea of “getting even” or “getting revenge,” it can become something that slowly eats away at a person internally, where that anger is turned inward on oneself—causing mental trauma and potentially self harm. Often, passive anger leads to never feeling “good” enough, blaming problems on personal issues and becoming a doormat.

On the other hand, aggressive anger, or aggression is expressed publicly and outward. As categorized by Healthline, aggressive anger is any act or behavior that damages physical property or harms another person. It includes acts of physical violence, verbal shouting, cursing, and insults.

Thus, passive-aggression expresses itself through different points on the middle some of it leaning more passive and some more aggressive such as the silent treatment, sarcasm, deliberate procrastination, or getting back at someone in a way that embarrasses them.

It typically has very aggressive outcomes. Typically, hinged on vengeance, combining both manipulation and deception to get even.

Instead of communicating or expressing feelings of anger directly and healthily, it is revealed through coercion, scheming, backhanded compliments intended to embarrass or tear down, and causing immense damage and hurt such as slashing tires, damaging property without the victim knowing, or at worst, physically hurting or injuring them.

David’s story in 2 Samuel 11 outlines patterns of passive-aggressive behavior.

First, after sleeping with Bathsheba, Uriah’s wife, David immediately began putting into motion ways to manipulate the situation. Bathsheba was already pregnant, and instead of confronting his own sin and admitting it to Uriah, David decided to bring Uriah back from the battlefield and send him home to make it appear as though the baby were his. David attempted this twice: once while Uriah was sober and a second time while he was drunk (vv. 6–13).

Both times, Uriah remained faithful to his duty. David’s tactics to cover up his sin did not work.

Second, perhaps frustrated and desperate, David requested a report of the battle. Upon discovering where the fighting was most intense and violent, he placed Uriah there.

“When the men of the city came out and fought against Joab, some of the men in David’s army fell; moreover, Uriah the Hittite died.”
— 2 Samuel 11:17

This time, David not only covered up his sin, but he also eliminated the root of the problem. With Uriah out of the way, he could now “rightfully” marry Bathsheba and raise the child.

David acted with moral blindness. He was so consumed by his own anger, desire, and sin that he justified his actions by taking them out on someone else.

He got what he wanted, but at what cost?

Passive-aggressive behavior further distorts the mind and thoughts. It removes healthy expressions of anger, desensitizes the conscience to sin, and damages any necessary processing of genuine emotions within the heart.

Is it possible to be angry at sin without being angry at people?

I hear this in Christian circles alot.

It may come out like “hate the sin, love the sinner.”

I have more poignantly have heard this in dealing with homosexual behavior, the transgender issue and other polarizing social, cultural issues.

However, aside from this being a Christian cultural idea and popular in many such circles, is this actually a biblical statement?

What did Jesus say to the woman caught in adultery and then bout to be stoned? Her sin was called out by the Pharisees. (John 8:1-8)

How did Jesus respond? In the ever popular response,

He said, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” (v.7)

All those who initially caused her harm, dropped their stone and even better, dropped their accusations and walked away.

That leaves Jesus as the only one who could stone her. Scripture says that Jesus, God in the flesh, was “left alone” with the woman standing before Him. (v.9)

Jesus loved the sinner. But He also makes a remarkable profound statement,

“Go and from now on sin no more.” (v.11b)

Evidence shows that His “love” is not tolerating sin.

Here is another example. I often pondered the type of anger Jesus expressed at some of the religious elites whether it was the Pharisees, Saduccees or scribes.

Notice what Jesus does in Matthew 23, specifically verses 2-3.

“The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses’ seat, so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice.”

First of all, Jesus does not tell the crowd to avoid them. Jesus is not conflict avoidant.

Second, He tells the crowd to still “do and observe” whatever they tell you. But, do not observe their works as an example of godly living.

However, Jesus is very specific about the “works they do.” They talk a good talk, but they don’t walk a good walk.

The Christian walks a fine line of compassion and conviction.

We all can talk a good talk, but can we live out godliness with conviction? And when we act ungodly, can we learn to wrestle with it by confronting it, so that the heart does not become self-righteous, indignant, and foolhardy?

So, the problem is not so much the secular world that does sinful things, but those who say they are Christian that lead in “Christian” ways that do unChristian things.

Jesus tells his followers,

“[Do not observe or do] the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice.”

Is it possible to be angry at sin but not at the person? Yes. But even in the case with Jesus, it is hard to not blur the lines. He calls them whitewashed tombs, brood of vipers that deserve to be sentenced to hell.

It is possible to be angry at sin and the sinner.

Returning to the account of King David, he sought to conceal his affair with Bathsheba by orchestrating the covert death of her husband.

But his sin was ultimately exposed, and the judgment that followed is a tragic story of unbridled and unrighteous anger. So severe were the consequences of David’s decisions that his family would never fully escape them and violence remained within his household.

This is how anger destroys.

Be “righteously” angry at the abuses of anger.

Hate it.

When this type of anger is allowed to remain in the home, every generation that follows—if and when it is not continually confronted, fought against, and prayed over—will eventually be consumed by it, leaving a trail of broken friendships, wounded marriages, and fractured families.

There is a lot covered here.

• Is it better to blow up or bottle up?

• Is there a difference between being slow to anger and avoiding conflict?

• Is passive-aggressive behavior a form of anger?

• Is it possible to be angry at sin but not angry at the person?

Each of these questions dances around finding the middle ground when it comes to expressing anger. But much like beauty being in the eye of the beholder, anger is often interpreted through the eyes of the beholder as well.

And yes, some of it depends on the perception of the person experiencing your anger, but much of it also rests in how God views your heart while you are angry.

As a result, my hope is that two things are accomplished.

• First, that we learn the importance of slowing things down. The ability to diffuse and de-escalate a situation can prevent tremendous harm.

• Second, that we learn to make space to process. Though it requires intentionality and initiative, processing helps us evaluate our situation clearly, grants us permission to express emotion honestly, and ultimately allows us to let go, heal, and grow.

Here are some good questions to ask when you are able to step away and take time to process your anger alone:

• What exactly am I angry about?

• Am I angry about what happened, or am I angry at someone?

• Did they actually intend to hurt me, or am I assuming motives?

• Is this anger proportionate to the situation?

• What else is beneath the “anger iceberg”—disappointment, rejection, hurt, fear, embarrassment? Can I pinpoint my true feelings?

• Is this an isolated incident, or do I have a pattern of anger?

• Will confronting this right now or unloading my anger actually fix the problem?

• Am I seeking to truly understand the person who hurt me, or am I seeking an apology, revenge, or validation?

• What part of this situation do I need to release and let go of?

• How will I feel tomorrow about how I respond today?

• Am I willing to listen to their side, or have I already made premeditated judgments?

• What would repentance and maturity look like right now?

• How can I offer an apology that genuinely reconciles and restores?

Then end with this prayer:

O Lord, be gracious to me.

Train my heart where it is restless.

Quiet my appetites where they are loud.
Strengthen my will where it is weak.

Do not let my desires rule over me,
but let Your Spirit govern my thoughts and affections.

When anger rises, make me slow to speak.
When temptation presses, make me watchful.
When excess seems satisfying, remind me to pursue holiness.

When I am scattered by selfish desire, gather me back through Your presence.

Teach me temperance.

In Christ alone,
Amen.

Part 4: Consequences of Anger - Impact and Restoration - Matthew 18:15-22

Biswas-Diener, Robert, and Todd Kashdan. The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self—Not Just Your “Good” Self—Drives Success and Fulfillment. New York: Hudson Street Press, 2014.

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016.

Healthline. “Aggressive Behavior: Signs, Causes, and Treatment.” Accessed May 27, 2026. Healthline

Masonheimer, Phylicia. “Hate the Sin?” Accessed May 27, 2026. Phylicia Masonheimer.

Psychology Today. “Conflict Avoidance: Temporary Peacemaker or…” Accessed May 27, 2026.

Psychology Today. “The Conflict-Avoidant: Two Distinct Types.” Accessed May 27, 2026.

Sinclair Broadcast Group. “Read Accused Gunman’s Manifesto Sent Before Dinner Attack.” FOX 11 Online. Accessed May 27, 2026.

I am thankful for a few of you who have asked thoughtful questions about my past. I am also grateful for the counselors, therapists, doctors, and pastors who have taken a genuine interest in my life over these seasons, years, and decades.

I recall growing up and seeing a comic drawing of a figure who was vividly green, massive, and filled with rage. I was drawn to this hulking “person.” Hulk first appeared in May 1962, created by Stan Lee and illustrated by Jack Kirby.

Remarkably, the character eventually received a television series in 1977, portrayed by Lou Ferrigno. As the 2000s unfolded, the Marvel Cinematic Universe began to take shape, including films featuring the Hulk. This momentum culminated in the first phase of Marvel films, bringing together multiple standalone superhero stories into one collective narrative—The Avengers.

It was in The Avengers that a memorable exchange about anger took place between Captain America and Bruce Banner. Facing an overwhelming invasion, Captain America says, “Now might be a really good time for you to get angry.”

Banner responds, “That’s my secret, Cap—I’m always angry.”

In that moment, he transforms, unleashing immense strength to strike down the massive airborne threat before him.

Typically, society uses the phrase “green with envy” to describe jealousy or covetousness. In this case, however, the color green represents something different—not envy, but seething fury.

What is most striking about the Hulk both in the comics and in film is the visible progression from the mild-mannered Bruce Banner to the enraged behemoth, the Hulk.

His anger is not only heard in his thunderous voice or seen in his monstrous form; it unfolds step by step, revealing a clear and undeniable transformation.

This is the approach I want to take, working through these questions not in isolation, but along a deliberate progression, framed within three categories.

I want to take advantage of these groupings to address more specifically questions about anger.

I do not intend for this to be exhaustive, but rather focused and purposeful.

• The formation of anger (origins and triggers)

• The interpretation of anger (moral and behavioral processing)

• The consequences of anger (impact and restoration)

Across these sections, I will address twelve total questions.

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In this first part, I will focus on the formation of anger.

And in this section there are three questions. Here they are as follows:
**Each one has a link so you can jump straight to the question with a click.

1. How does family history shape how we express anger?

2. Is anger a result of nature or nurture?

3. What are the early warning signs that anger is about to take control?

How does family history shape how we express anger?

I addressed anger as sin at length in a previous article, so I will not revisit that discussion here. However, I do want to acknowledge, first and foremost, that anger can be sin.

I do not believe there is ever an easy way to fully understand anger in this light. At times, we may justify it so thoroughly that we convince, perhaps, even deceive ourselves that it is righteous when more often than it is not.

If you are someone who struggles with anger, my prayer is that you would approach understanding your anger with open hands, ready to receive grace, but even more so, correction.

It was the Lord’s reminder to Cain, prior to the murder of his brother,

“Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” - Genesis 4:6-7

Anger was in the first family. Anger was in Cain and consumed him.

Now, with that being said, how then does family history shape how we express anger? By “family,” I mean the influence of one’s upbringing and the patterns passed down across generations—whether understood as inherited sin or, at the very least, as learned tendencies and behaviors that are adopted and shared from one generation to the next.

Perhaps a better way to put it is this:

Can anger run in families?

Although this article will not address these issues in depth, I would be remiss not to mention that depression, bipolar disorder, and other impulse-control or explosive disorders may be connected to mental health challenges, which can, in part, stem from a family’s medical history.

I do not want to proverbially throw out the baby with the bathwater by overlooking the role mental health can play in why anger is such a persistent struggle.

That being said, there are several ways in which family history can shape and influence anger.

First, there is modeling.

There was a popular phrase in my youth that I heard over and over again: “monkey see, monkey do.” There is a lot of truth in that.

When I was young, I have many memories of family members losing control—consumed by blind, enraged anger. Children model their parents. When they observe behavior, they often imitate it.

In a study conducted by Albert Bandura at Stanford University from 1961–1963, known as the Bobo doll experiment, researchers discovered that children who watched adults kick and strike an inflatable doll were more likely to believe that aggressive behavior toward it was acceptable.

I grew up with alcoholic parents, which only intensified these patterns. And while Asian culture is often perceived as passive and calm, my experience was quite different. I witnessed firsthand how outward expressions of physical anger can deeply hurt and damage a child.

I was also a highly receptive child. Over time, I convinced myself that it was acceptable to scream and yell as well. My family environment was intense, combative, and competitive in many ways. Alongside that, high blood pressure, vertigo, shaking, and sweating were all manifestations of hyper-reactivity and an inability to control rage.

Second, there is validation.

Have you ever heard of a temper tantrum? Most likely, you have. As a child, I often used it as my ace card. On the other side, as parents, if you are unaware, distracted, or inclined toward people-pleasing, it becomes easy to give in.

You can probably recognize these phrases:

• I want it now!

• It’s not fair!

• You never let me do anything!

• I hate you!

• You’re so mean!

• Why can’t I have it?!

• I’m not listening to you!

• I don’t care!

• Whatever!

• You never let me do anything!

• But everyone else gets to!

In the short term, appeasing a child or reinforcing negative behavior, may seem effective. However, it often creates long-term habits and patterns that become much more difficult to break over time.

Third, there are squandered teachable moments.

It is difficult to capture this with a single word like the previous two categories, but in this case, it refers to the many moments lost in time when children wished, “my parents had said something.”

In many ways, this is not just the longing of a child toward a parent. It is also a shared aspiration among many young boys and girls from immigrant families, under-resourced educational backgrounds, lower-income neighborhoods, and those raised amid incarceration, gang influence, single-parent households, and broken homes.

These phrases, in many ways, reflect my own childhood:

• I wish my parents had spoken up for me.

• I wanted their voice in that moment.

• I needed direction but received silence instead.

• I wish they had cared enough to say something.

In my memories and perhaps in yours as well—there is the lingering image of sitting alone, seething in the quiet corner of a room, knowing you must return to school and face the conflict, the person, even your own inner struggles, by yourself.

That is a heavy burden for a child to carry.

Thus, whether you were shaped through modeling or learned the patterns of emotional outbursts, it becomes clear how deeply your environment and family history have influenced you. They shape how you respond to conflict, how you seek control, and even how you attempt to protect yourself or withdraw when overwhelmed.

In summary, family history plays a significant role in shaping how anger is expressed. Older family members: parents, mentors, coaches, and others—model what anger looks like, and their repeated approval or normalization of it reinforces those patterns over time.

As a result, moments of temper tantrums, public embarrassment, and manipulation are not isolated incidents—they become learned responses.

And in the quiet reflection that follows, a question often lingers: What if?

• What if those who cared for me had not squandered those teachable moments?

• What if, instead of losing their temper, they had taught me temperance and self-control?

These questions alone reveals just how powerful those moments and their absence can be and have been.

Is anger a result of nature or nurture?

This is a compelling question to consider. If anger is rooted in nature, then we must ask:

• Why would God design it into us?

• Would that make Him responsible for embedding anger into our very being?

The best answer I know is that God created humans with capacity for moral emotion, including anger, as part of bearing His image (see Genesis 1:27).

Anger, in its pure form, is a response to injustice, evil, or violation of what is good.

However, what we often experience is distorted anger—selfish, explosive, or vengeful, which is attributed not to God’s design but to the fallenness of humanity after sin entered the world.

God gave us the capacity for anger, but He is not responsible for its corruption.

Anger is part of our nature, but it is also shaped by nurture. As noted earlier through various stories and examples, anger is formed and developed through environment and experience.

So, could it be that anger is an amalgamation of both nature and nurture, rather than either or?

Outside of Scripture, secular scientists and writers still find it difficult to determine the precise role genetic wiring plays in human behavior.

As Michael Roizen notes,

“Our DNA is like a genie in a bottle. In the field of epigenetics, many of our individual genes are like light switches, turning on and off in response to environmental stimuli.”

Similarly, Michael Greenberg observes,

“What we found is, in a sense, amazing. In response to visual stimulation, virtually every cell in the visual cortex responds in a different way.”

He later adds,

“Experience and environmental stimuli appear to almost constantly affect gene expression and function throughout the brain.”

As one article aptly summarizes, anger is not simply a result of nature or nurture.

Rather, it is nature via nurture.

One might even argue, from a theological perspective, that it is nurture shaped through a fallen (sinful) nature.

Returning to Genesis 4, specifically verse 6—God does not directly command Cain, “Do not be angry.” Instead,

He asks, “Why are you angry?”

This distinction is important.

Cain’s anger appears to be twofold.

1. He was angry because God favored his brother’s offering over his own.

2. He was angry with his brother, to the point that violence began to take root in his heart.

His intentions were further noted in 1 John 3:12,

“We should not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own deeds were evil and his brother’s righteous.”

Cain’s anger became a matter of the heart. As sin took root and grew within him, so did his anger. Ultimately, in a moment of blind rage, he killed his brother.

God warned Cain of the conditions and consequences if he did not “do what is right.” Thus, anger must be handled rightly and used with restraint. Cain failed to do so.

In this case, his sinful nature became the driving force behind his actions.

The author of the book of James puts it this way,

“Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death.” -James 1:15

Furthermore, James encourages later in that chapter,

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

Anger can be a learned behavior, shaped by environmental and experiential influences. Yet it is also deeply rooted in our sinful nature.

No child needs to be taught to throw tantrums, snatch toys from others, or manipulate parents out of anger.

The nature of sin is perhaps best captured by Robert Robinson, who, after hearing a sermon by George Whitefield on “The Wrath to Come,” penned these words in the hymn Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;

This is nurture via [sin] nature.

What are early warning signs that anger is about to take control?

This is an important question, and it must be approached in two parts: first, what are the early warning signs, and second, what does it look like when anger takes control?

Early Warning Signs

In some ways, I experienced early warning signs when I began to feel the desire to become angry. My body would react—shaking and sweating, my blood pressure rising. The world around me would begin to wobble (vertigo), my heart rate would increase, my skin would turn red, and the fine hairs on my neck and arms would stand up.

In an article on Anger and Irritability Management Skills, four categories are identified as helpful descriptions of warning signs: behavioral, cognitive, emotional, and physical.

• Behavioral signs can include clenched fists, rapid pacing, yelling, moving objects, or slamming doors.

• Cognitive signs may involve harmful thoughts—such as wanting to hurt someone, “teach them a lesson,” being intentionally rude, or plotting revenge.

• Emotional signs include feelings of humiliation, guilt, insecurity, rejection, abandonment, or fear.

• Physical signs include many of the symptoms already mentioned: tightness in the jaw, headaches, an upset stomach, muscle tension, and rapid breathing.

Much of this connects to what was discussed in the previous article—the idea that anger is often a surface emotion, covering deeper feelings beneath the surface, like an iceberg.

When “fight or flight” is activated, it becomes difficult to recognize and acknowledge what we are truly feeling. The emotions listed above are still present, but anger often suppresses and conceals them.

This is where family history plays a significant role in shaping how we process emotions. You may have been taught to dismiss or ignore deeper feelings. You may have learned to dissociate in order to avoid feeling altogether. Some may have even experienced gaslighting.

You can likely recall hearing phrases from parents, coaches, or mentors such as:

• Man up, stop crying.

• Toughen up—it’s no big deal.

• You’re fine, stop being dramatic.

• Don’t cry.

• Crying is for sissies.

• Real men don’t get upset like that.

• Suck it up and move on.

• You are embarrassing me.

• Why are you so sensitive?

• Just ignore it.

For those of you who were taught this, I am sorry. This is harmful advice. Do not dissociate, dismiss, or gaslight yourself. Instead, recognize that deeper emotions are necessary and valid. They are essential in helping you learn how to regulate yourself and remain grounded.

And in a far more important way, learn to anchor your heart, your thoughts, and your body in Christ.

When Anger Takes Control

Perhaps a better way to approach this question is: What should someone do at the peak of anger when they recognize it is taking control and how can they regulate themselves in that moment?

This is a difficult question because of its complexity. If there were a rating scale for anger, it is often easier, in the moment, to dismiss that you are angry than to acknowledge how angry you truly are. Is your heart regulated enough to recognize the heat rising within you?

This is where I would say, “I do not know you—but you must know yourself.”

1. First, there must be a strong sense of self-awareness.

There are several ways to cultivate this, but one practice that has helped me in recent years is mapping my negative cycle. This means I operate with the expectation that I will get angry at times, rather than living in denial or convincing myself and others that I will not.

So what do I do?

I recognize the early signs. The first thing I notice is heat—my temperature rises, I begin to sweat, and I feel a deep sense of humiliation. Next, I begin to pace. My speech becomes disjointed; my words no longer form clear, coherent thoughts. Finally, I feel the urge to grab something, drink water, and avoid any personal interaction or ongoing conversation.

If I do not ground myself or disengage, the intensity escalates. My voice rises, my demeanor becomes aggressive and incoherent. Deep down, I often feel like crying—there is a tremor in my voice—but I tend to suppress the fear and anguish. I retreat to the surface of the iceberg: anger is all I feel, and anger is all others see.

When I reach this point, agitated and approaching rage, if I am lucid enough, I will respectfully ask to step out of the room. I have learned that it is extremely difficult to de-escalate when everything around me feels chaotic. And if I am not in control of my temper, then no one else will be.

2. Second, there must be a decision to circle back after you have regulated.

Anger is an emotion, but it must not be an emotion that leads to destruction. As mentioned earlier, emotions are signals that call for regulation. To dismiss or dissociate from them is unhealthy.

After stepping away and for me, that may take an hour or more—I return. Often, I begin by asking for forgiveness. More often than not, my anger is not righteous. If I recognize that I brought harm or instability into the room, then it is my responsibility to restore what was disrupted.

3. Third, establish ground rules for when you are angry.

For me, these include:

1. Avoid physical misbehavior. No one gets hurt. I do not lash out with my body or use objects as weapons.

2. Avoid insults and vulgarity. No matter the situation, I do not insult my wife, my children, friends, or anyone else. Regardless of what is said to me, no one deserves to be degraded through name-calling, racial remarks, or profanity.

3. Avoid slamming objects. Slamming books, hands, or doors is often learned behavior, but it is still a form of a temper tantrum. If I act like a child, I should not be surprised if I am treated like one.

These ground rules do not make my anger righteous.

I can still raise my voice, yell, manipulate, or use sarcasm and malice.

The apostle Paul in Ephesians reminds us,

“In your anger do not sin” -Ephesians 4:26a

1. Be self-aware. Just as we use life maps, spiritual gift assessments, and strength evaluations, we must also understand our tendencies and patterns in anger. Take time to map your cycle, or seek help from a counselor or therapist.

2. Learn to walk away—but return. Once you have cooled down and are no longer reactive, come back and reconnect. Ask, “Can we finish this conversation now that I’ve had time to calm down?”

3. Set clear ground rules. For me, avoiding physical aggression, insults, vulgarity, and destructive behavior helps ensure that I do not harm others or myself. Even in anger, the goal should be to do the most good for those around you.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

-Romans 12:18

Part 3: Interpretation of Anger - Moral and Behavioral Processing - 2 Samuel 10-11

Part 4: Consequences of Anger - Impact and Restoration - Matthew 18:15-22

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2001). Crossway.

Bandura, A. (1961). Bobo doll experiment. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/bobo-doll.html

CBN News. (n.d.). New science of epigenetics proves DNA is not destiny. https://cbn.com/news/news/new-science-epigenetics-proves-dna-not-destiny

Enhymn. (n.d.). Come Thou Fount hymn history. https://www.enhymn.com/come-thou-fount-hymn-history/

Harvard Medical School. (n.d.). Nature, meet nurture. https://hms.harvard.edu/news/nature-meet-nurture

The Incredible Hulk #1. (1962, May). Marvel Comics.

Jeffrey Rex, J. (2012). Review: Marvel’s The Avengers (2012). https://imjeffreyrex.com/television-literature-and-film/reviews/2012-2/review-marvels-the-avengers-2012/

Plugged In. (n.d.). The Incredible Hulk. https://www.pluggedin.com/movie-reviews/incrediblehulk/

13th Dimension. (n.d.). Lou Ferrigno: When I was the Incredible Hulk. https://13thdimension.com/lou-ferrigno-when-i-was-the-incredible-hulk/

Verywell Mind. (n.d.). Anger management strategies. https://www.verywellmind.com/anger-management-strategies-4178870

It has been almost 54 years since that trip.

Much has now been known about the project to the moon. The first Artemis flight in 2022 was an uncrewed flight test of the rocket with the Orion capsule. Four years later, four astronauts would be part of the crew, a manned flight. The commander was Reid Wiseman, the pilot, Victor Glover, and two specialists, Christina Koch (pronounced “cook”) and Jeremy Hansen (the lone Canadian).

The purpose of this trip was to make sure of a successful flight in the Orion capsule, a trip scouting the surface of the moon, and to put together a map and plan of a space base that can launch them to Mars one day. Artemis III is to test docking capabilities between the Orion and SpaceX. Then the final plan in Artemis IV is landing a new group of astronauts at the lunar South Pole and creating a gateway station to go further and beyond what was ever thought possible.

But moving to a more theological space. This got me thinking through the week. Why would those who architected, engineered, and built the Tower of Babel be given such a short leash, so much so that when the “Lord came down to see the city…” He confused their language so that they would not be able to understand each other, but also be unable to build the city?

As a result, they were dispersed and stopped building. (Genesis 11:1–9)

But buildings have since grown taller, airplanes have broken through the atmosphere and flown long distances, and shuttles have reached space with many having reached the moon.

Mankind has done more than the builders of the Tower of Babel ever did.

So, what gives? Why has mankind been allowed to do so much more, to build so much higher than Babel without consequence?

I am going to unpack the tension into two categories: ascending without God and advancing under grace.

There is so much blessing to start Genesis 11.

Here is a list:

1. The group at Babel had not only a common language, but also a common speech. Not only was there some written comprehension, a matter of linguistics of what is a noun, pronoun, verb, etc.—but also how that is communicated. (v.2)

2. Additionally, there is also growth, intellectual growth, that is included with their migration eastward. (v.2)

3. Furthermore, they are skilled stone masons, home builders, and engineers, so much so that they can build cities and towers that reach to the “heavens.” (v.4)

But I think it is important to notice that God does not stop their abilities to build. He simply stalls this project.

Different languages are birthed from this, and what was a migration eastward, it seems like they eventually “dispersed,” as God allowed, “over the face of the whole earth.” (vv.8–11)

What was supposed to be a great achievement on the earth is halted.

Some good questions about this have come up in my reading:

• Is God against a unified people group with one language?

• At the time, did God not allow for human advancement?

At first glance, it looks the answer to both question is “yes”.

However, let’s look at some context and go back a couple chapters. Genesis 9:1–3 is very similar to Genesis 1:28–30.

The command God gave Adam and Eve, He also gave to Noah and his family post-Flood. This is the command to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth. However, when Adam and Eve sinned, it was Satan’s deception that caused Eve to disobey and then Adam to follow suit.

Satan’s words echo into Genesis 11. In his words, he deceptively says,

“For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

- Genesis 3:5

And at first glance, to be like God is enticing, so much so that to disobey Him was worth the exchange.

In Genesis 11:4, the people of Babel wanted to build a city to the heavens so that “we may make a name for ourselves.” And that distinction is no different than “being like God.” Their pride was no different than before the flood.

Instead of lifting up the name of the Lord, as Seth’s son Enosh did,

“…At that time people began to call on the name of the Lord,”

- Genesis 4:26

The people of Babel only called and made a name for themselves and neglected the Lord.

Their ascent was driven by self-exaltation, not devotion to the Lord.

They wanted to ascend without God.

There’s a lot to be said about advancement since Babel. Consequently, dispersion, or the “scattering” during Babel, stopped the building of the city, but it did not stop advancement.

Eventually, as history shows, even amid cultural conflict and conquest, humanity was still able to advance.

And, I know in part by referencing this passage, I will be robbing it from its actual context for a little bit. For those who are textual expositors and faithful to the biblical text, this is going to feel like the proverbial fingernails on a chalkboard.

However, in John 14:12, as Jesus had just finished telling His disciples to “believe in God, believe also in Me,” because He is the “way, the truth, and the life,” He adds these words in verse 12:

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in Me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father.”

In this, you can deduce that because of Jesus’ limited time on the earth—three years of ministry, culminating in His death and resurrection by the age of thirty-three—His work and ministry were, in a sense, limited.

Furthermore, you cannot only conclude that His time was limited, but that His area of influence and work was also limited. His central impact, the epicenter of His influence, was in and around Galilee and Jerusalem proper.

Thus, there seems to be some grace in how not just the efficiency, but the efficacy, of how His work continues to expand through other believers.

Men in the first millennium, like John Philoponus, Bede the Venerable, and Hermannus Contractus, expanded our understanding of light, stars, ocean tides, geometry, and mathematics.

What followed in the second millennium were more men like Roger Bacon, Jean Buridan, Nicolaus Copernicus, Johannes Kepler, and Galileo Galilei, who continued to expand on planetary science, mathematics, and science. Furthermore, genuises like Isaac Newton and Lord Kelvin also continued to merge their faith into science, never dubiously disconnecting the two, but integrating both their belief in Christ with the natural world.

It is no wonder we are where we are today.

As I continue to be enamored by Artemis II and its crew, I agree with the pilot, Victor Glover, when he said,

“We need Jesus, whether on earth or circling the moon… Christ said, in response to what was the greatest command, that it was to love God with all that you are. And He also, being a great teacher, said the second is equal to it, and that is to love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

But I believe the Gospel is uniquely tied to discovery.

And although it may read or sound like advancement conflicts with Babel, it does not.

What we are now perceiving and seeing is advancement under grace. And hopefully, there will not be another time where we forget our Creator and let our past haste, hubris, and mistakes force exploration to wait another half-century.

I know that God is sovereign, and what He has allowed is under His grace.

My hope is that advancement brings a greater knowledge of God’s unseen glory and, furthermore, brings people to put their belief and trust in Christ as Savior and Lord.

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.”

– Colossians 3:15-18

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2001). The Holy Bible, English Standard Version Crossway.

National Aeronautics and Space Administration. (n.d.). Artemis II mission overview Retrieved April 12, 2026.

Lunar and Planetary Institute. (n.d.). Apollo 17 mission overview Retrieved April 12, 2026.

Wallace, J. W. (n.d.). The rich historic roll call of great Christian thinkers and scientists Retrieved April 12, 2026.

Brown, E. (2026, April 7). From Artemis II, Astronaut Victor Glover Shared a Faith-Filled Reminder. Relevant Magazine.

“And Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who sold and bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons. He said to them, “It is written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer,’ but you make it a den of robbers.”
- Matthew 21:12-13

Contextually, this does not look like your typical daytime walk through your local mall today. It was not quiet or uncrowded. The text goes on to reveal that there were crowds ahead of Him on the road toward Jerusalem (see vv. 8–9). In addition to the busyness and the loud noises, the following verses reveal a city that was “stirred” or “abuzz” with activity.

This is akin to a walkthrough of Taylor Swift at one of her concerts or a championship parade through a city that has just won a college championship, the World Cup, the World Series, the Super Bowl, or the Stanley Cup.

Jesus was the darling of any social media platform back then.

And perhaps, in His claim to infamy, He is pictured with adrenaline, focus, and ferocity. He drives out buyers and sellers, overturns tables and benches, and with great authority—along with a form of temperance, as the Greek words may suggest—with great audacity and lucidity says, “My house will be called a house of prayer, and you are making it a den of robbers.”

Did Jesus sin? Or did He set an example for how one is to emulate a form of anger righteously?

As I continue to learn and grow, I am discovering that I have a trigger (yes, like a gun has a trigger).

This can lead to anger—”not the protective, guarding against evil” kind, but the kind where the hair stands up on the back of my neck, my face turns red, and it feels explosive. It is the kind of anger that does not want to be bothered—the kind that turns a deaf ear to logic, reason, and emotion.

The American Psychological Association defines anger as an emotion characterized by tension and hostility arising from frustration, real or imagined injury by another, or perceived injustice. It can manifest itself in behaviors designed to remove the object of the anger (e.g., determined action) or behaviors designed merely to express the emotion (e.g., swearing).

Anger is distinct from, but a significant activator of, aggression, which is behavior intended to harm someone or something. Despite their mutually influential relationship, anger is neither necessary nor sufficient for aggression to occur.

Unprocessed anger is as blinding as it is deafening. And it hurts and destroys.

Whether it was not getting what I wanted as a child—slamming a tray of food on the ground and demanding my parents give me what I needed—or losing my cool in a competitive game and getting into an in-game fight, anger is a heat-seeking bullet that can kill and destroy. It leaves behind a trail of burning embers, destroying everything along its path.

According to counseling statistics today, the average adult experiences anger about 14 times a week. Thirty percent of adults report having trouble controlling their anger, and more than sixty percent of teenagers and young adults, ages 14 to 21, experience unbridled, uncontrolled anger.

And Wellbeing Mind studies have popularized the idea of the emotional iceberg. The point on the top represents protective emotions that hide the other half of the iceberg beneath the water.

And guess what emotion is on top of that iceberg?

If you guessed anger, you are correct. Anger clouds and covers the true emotions beneath—fear, sadness, hurt, loneliness, etc.

Over the years, as a pastor and one who has frequently served in leadership positions, it has been difficult to hold back anger in tough situations. What can typically be classified as being “upset” can be perceived by others as unrighteous anger. But being unapproachable is the least of my problems. Being able to identify the source of the anger has been the real challenge.

• Did I know what was beneath the iceberg?

• What was the deeper emotion I was feeling?

Or, as my counselor and mentors regularly remind me, “Know my part in the cycle.” And self-awareness is the key. It is so much better than what I dealt with in my youth and young adulthood—self-denial.

So what are some key indicators that help the Christian put handles on anger so that self-awareness is awakened and not self-denial?

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

- Ephesians 4:26–27

What do you notice here? Paul recognizes that anger is often felt. We don’t need statistics to tell us that we experience anger 14 times a week; anger is seen, felt, and often heard. So much so, Paul warns us not to let anger become a “prolonged” feeling—“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…”

Because what happens is that Satan and his cohort of demonic oppressors salivate at the idea of an angry Christian crippling his life, his family, his ministry, and most importantly, his relationships with others and with his Lord.

And often, the advice given to spouses in marriage is that you should avoid going to bed angry at one another. Why?

• One article put it this way: “The thought is that unresolved anger will fester overnight, and you’ll wake up feeling worse or more disconnected. And sure, in some cases, letting problems linger indefinitely can create distance.”

• Another said, “Part of what is difficult about going to bed angry is that it makes getting to sleep difficult. You toss and turn thinking about how the other person has wronged you.”

• Still another listed several additional reasons: “Bricks are added to the wall that divides you as a couple. Thus, it is hard to have a fresh start in the morning; there is less sleep, unresolved conflict, and impeded sexual intimacy.”

Yet this is the difficulty of taking a biblical text literally. Is Paul asserting that we must resolve conflict before bed?

However, I would attest that conflict isn’t the problem. How you handle it is.

There are a myriad of issues that one must confront before even coming back together with a spouse. The most important thing is that forcing a resolution—forcefully and argumentatively—creates a very unhealthy space; this makes even the bed a place of unrest (note the irony).

Added to this, there are two brains in fight-or-flight mode. Then there is fatigue. Those involved in emotionally triggered spaces are more likely to escalate than de-escalate, and sleep deprivation only worsens it.

Here are some quick thoughts:

1. Immediately be self-aware and address your personal emotion prior to trying and assessing what your spouse is feeling.

2. Without de-escalation and a regulated emotional state, there will be no resolution.

3. There must be an agreement to put the proverbial sword down, take a break, notice “your part in the cycle,” self-awareness and decide to return after rest, with a regulated and healthy space to resolve.

4. And remember, there are no hidden, unwritten rules that demand fixing it now. The more important emphasis should be “…and do not sin.”

5. And if a peaceful pause is a way to disarm and regulate, then it is better to turn down the anger before attempting to resolve the conflict.

Remember, conflict isn’t the problem. How you handle it is.

Let’s go back to Jesus.

• First, did Jesus sin?

As mentioned in Ephesians 4:26–27, there is an anger that does not sin. That means there must be a defined parameter for what makes anger righteous.

A key phrase near the end of that passage needs to be a point of focus.

What is a den of robbers? He is stating that something devious is happening here—a form of thievery, a kleptomaniac’s paradise.

This is not a five-star Better Business Bureau meeting taking place at the temple in Jerusalem.

That means the intent of the temple was not being used for righteous purposes.

Isaiah 56:7 speaks of the exiles returning to God’s house, and it would be called a house of prayer… “for all nations.” That means there will be a day when the temple will be a place where Jew, Greek, and Gentile will gather to worship and pray to the Lord.

Furthermore, the Matthew text, specifically 21:14, shows that once the area has been temporarily cleansed, Jesus brings the blind and the lame there, just as the temple was intended for, and heals them. A place where the sick, the lame, and the fallen could not make it up to the temple steps—Jesus brings them up to care for them.

So, instead of people being taken advantage of the temple, Jesus, in regulated and controlled anger, rids the temple of abuse and those exploiting God’s holy place, and returns it to a dignified house of prayer, healing, and restoration.

Jesus did not sin in anger.

• Second, did Jesus reveal a form of righteous anger?

Meaning, does this give reason for us as Christians to exhibit this type of “driving out” and “flipping over” of those who deserve it?

The answer to this question is razor-thin. However, I want to note that Jesus did provide other examples of righteous anger.

• Jesus tells Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man” (Matthew 16:23).

• Jesus scolds the scribes and Pharisees, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel across sea and land to make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves” (Matthew 23:15; there are eight woes).

• Jesus heals the man with a withered hand, and the passage reveals, “And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ He stretched it out, and his hand was restored” (Mark 3:5).

Perhaps the most proper and vivid form of Jesus’ anger is displayed not only through action, but also through words spoken with authority.

Jesus focused on obeying and honoring God’s name. Jesus also spoke with authority as the Son of God, Savior, and Messiah, meaning He was filled with truth.

And furthermore, Jesus’ compassion was equal to—if not greater than—His righteous anger. By denouncing sinners and confronting the hardening and legalism of the Pharisees, He revealed that utilizing anger righteously, to compassionately aid and bring an unhindered Gospel to the hurting, dying, and sick, served a divine purpose.

So, I say it carefully:

• His anger is not our anger.

• Whereas our anger and sin can often be indistinguishable, in His anger there is no sin.

Authority must be weighed carefully, and for many of us, that cannot give permission to exercise anger without discernment—even if we claim it to be righteous. It must not come at the expense of others and must carry a high value for compassion’s sake and their benefit with the hope that the Gospel might take root in their lives.

Thus, I carefully lean towards answering, “No”.

Jesus did not give us a modality of righteous anger to copy and paste.

This text reveals Jesus ability to exercise His authority over abuses done to His father’s house.

For it is always better to exercise calmness and self-control with Christlikeness in heated occasions.

“To the contrary, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.””

- Romans 12:20

Part 2: Formation of Anger - Origins and Triggers - Genesis 4

Part 3: Interpretation of Anger - Moral and Behavioral Processing - 2 Samuel 10-11

Part 4: Consequences of Anger - Impact and Restoration - Matthew 18:15-22

American Psychological Association. (2003, March). Advances in anger research.

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Anger.

Centerpoint Counseling. (n.d.). Anger and its effects on mental health.

Crown Counseling. (2024, September 19). Anger statistics: In the workplace, impacts in 2024.

GotQuestions.org. (2026, January 21). What does the Bible say about anger?

Heartfelt Counseling. (2020, January 30). Marriage myth: Don’t go to bed angry.

Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2001). The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Crossway.

Kara Tritschler. (2025). The fallacy of “never go to bed angry” marriage advice.

The Marriage and Family Clinic. (n.d.). The “never go to bed angry” fallacy.

First, Jesus never used His return as a justification for aggression or war.

Yet this distortion has appeared repeatedly throughout history. It surfaced, if not as a primary cause, then certainly as a secondary or tertiary influence, during the Crusades in Western Europe, during the Spanish Inquisition, and in various movements throughout modern history.

Scripture gives no indication that human action can hasten His return.

“But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only. For as were the days of Noah, so will be the coming of the Son of Man… Therefore, you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect.”

— Matthew 24:36–37, 44

Scripture clearly states that no one knows the time or the hour.

There may indeed be signs, perhaps even signals, but the central emphasis of the text is readiness.

That readiness is not political or militant in nature. It is spiritual. It means ensuring that your trust in Christ is firm and that your salvation is clear. And not only yours, but also that of those around you.

Do not become distracted or lose sight of Christ’s return by attaching it to the wrong agenda.

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Second, the timing and full realization of Christ’s return were kept hidden for a reason.

Mature disciples recognize the urgency present throughout Scripture—an urgency that calls believers to evangelism, to active faithfulness, and to the continual pursuit of sanctification, while persuading others of the depth and necessity of knowing Christ as Savior.

“Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world.”

– Hebrews 1:1-2

There is a clear sense of urgency. The author speaks of “these last days,” emphasizing that God has spoken and continues to speak to us, through His Son. The death and resurrection of Christ are presented as the means of our salvation.

Then, in chapter 2 of the same book, the audience is exhorted to “pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it,” so that we do not neglect so great a salvation.

The message of Christ is the hope we hold in Him—the promise that we will one day leave this physical life, with all its sufferings and tragedies, and be united with Him.

Yet there is not only urgency in this message, but also a sober sense of terror.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5:11-12a,

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others.”

There is a fear of the Lord that reminds us we will one day stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For this reason, we should be cautious about hastily wishing for Christ’s return in its immediacy, not because we do not long for His coming, but because of the urgency of the mission before us.

There is still the vital work of striving so that others may hear the gospel, believe, and be saved before the final judgment, so that they do not face the wrath of God.

Therefore, there is a call to remain urgent, remembering that faith in Christ and in His finished work must remain the priority in the midst of widespread unbelief.

“The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life and he who wins souls is wise.”

– Proverbs 11:30

Third, this has ushered in an unusual convergence between Christianity and political ideology, one that often feels distasteful, particularly as it is amplified through popular media.

Many Christians have become caught up in reactionary political commentary and heated rhetoric, at times expressing aspirations that resemble a kind of theocratic vision, an attempt to establish “heaven on earth” through political power.

In some cases, this rhetoric goes so far as to use the language to eliminate and eradicate others call for imprisonment those who simply hold opposing views. Such impulses raise serious questions about how Christian witness is being shaped by political fervor rather than by the character and teachings of Christ.

Not all Christians think this way, but if the political agenda usurps and affects our character, virtue and desire to love our enemies, be kind and show forth the goodness of God, I don’t want it.

And neither should you.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

– Matthew 5:43-44

Fourth, as much as I value ethnic traditions, there can be no separation in how we love Israelites and Iranians.

To become swept up in the political fervor and cheer for the death of our enemies is tragically misplaced. Even God Himself does not delight in the death of the wicked.

“For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord GOD; so turn, and live.”

– Ezekiel 18:32

“Say to them, As I live, declares the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live; turn back, turn back from your evil ways, for why will you die, O house of Israel?”

– Ezekiel 33:11

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

– 2 Peter 3:9

No one is inherently better or worse, or more worthy of favor than another.

1. First of all, acknowledge the consequences, fear and pain from war and conflict.

As I mentioned before, we should not, must not take pride in the fatalities of war or use them to advance personal agendas.

Conflict and war bring real pain, loss, and hardship. Yet in the political sphere, discussions about these realities are often shaped by roundtables, podcasts, and media voices that carry biased perspectives or agendas.

Conversations that begin in these spaces can quickly escalate, becoming divisive and even toxic.

For this reason, it is important to recognize and acknowledge the immediate and surface-level emotions that arise when people read about, hear about, or watch war and conflict unfold. These reactions often reflect deep grief, fear, anger, or confusion. Human responses to suffering that should be met with care and compassion rather than exploitation or hostility.

2. Second, grieve losses on both sides.

Yes, even those on the extremes, those labeled as terrorists, enemies of the state, or murderers. My hope has always been that Christ may reveal Himself even to the most vile.

No Christian should wish hell or the final separation from God upon anyone.

3. Third, moments like these can become a springboard for difficult and meaningful conversations about the Gospel.

Often, it seems that Christians can become more polarizing, taking harder political stances or holding stronger convictions in public discussions. We must be careful and I include myself in this, not to let strong opinions cause us to lose sight of the greater picture.

Be aware of powerful emotions, especially when they grow intense. When emotions escalate, the perception can quickly become that you are raging, overwhelmed, or irrational. In such moments, learn to ground your emotions.

Acknowledge that you have strong convictions, but also learn how to diffuse and de-escalate. Strong feelings are not inherently wrong; they often reflect deep passion or intensity. However, they must be managed carefully so that you do not harm your witness.

4. Fourth, seize the moment to stop and pray through the conversation.

There is always reason to believe that beneath the surface there is anxiety, fear, and deep hurt. Believe it or not, there is no limit to how much you should and can pray for one another.

• Young men have been thrust into war, becoming casualties on all sides without fully understanding the forces shaping their fate. Powerful leaders make decisions that demand immediate response, and countless lives are affected in an instant.

• Young women have also suffered. Most recently, a mother who was just two days away from returning home died in a missile attack in Kuwait.

• So far, statistics suggest that at least a thousand civilians have died. Many homes have been destroyed, families displaced, and entire communities left to face uncertain futures. Countries brace for reactionary responses from the Islamic Revolutionary Guard, while many people in neighboring regions remain in underground bunkers, wondering when the violence will end.

5. Finally, keep your ears open and listen deeply.

We must empathize with the hurt around us and demonstrate Christlikeness through both our presence and our words, so that others not only hear what we say, but believe our hearts because they see that we truly care.

I do not want a pass. If the moment of the rapture were to come, I would choose to remain.

I do not want the easy way out. I also do not want those in unbelief to miss the hope that I have found in Christ.

In essence, I desire the heart of Paul:

“I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it through the Holy Spirit— I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my people, those of my own race.”

- Romans 9:2-3

I long for the opportunity for all people to come to know Christ as He truly is, and to discover the hope that He offers through saving faith.

Wouldn’t you?

English Standard Version Bible. (2016). The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Crossway.

More than 1,000 civilians killed in U.S.-Israeli bombing of Iran, rights group says. (2026, March 4). TIME. https://time.com/7382536/iran-civilians-killed-girls-school/

Moore, R. (2025, June 18). Don’t blame Bible prophecy for a war with Iran. Christianity Today. https://www.christianitytoday.com/2025/06/bible-prophecy-war-iran-apocalypse-russell-moore/

Marriage Matters - Part 2

Marriage Matters - Part 3

Marriage Matters - Part 4

Marriage Matters - Part 5

Marriage Matters - Part 6

Marriage Matters - Part 7

This will be the most current installment in the Marriage Matters series. I will probably add a couple more, but with my children now in their late teens—and one already having turned twenty—grand parenting will likely be the next challenge.

Still, some time needs to pass before Parts 9 and 10.

For the time being, however, there has been significant personal growth over the past six years.

I finished my last post by sharing my decision to become a church residency director. This is akin to a medical residency, where doctors work with residents who are in the final stages of their training and have committed to a medical track at a hospital for further specialization before becoming full-fledged M.D.s (medical doctors).

In this case, the portrait or end goal of a church residency is full-time vocational ministry. Now, this can look different for each person. One may be trained in various areas of ministry: pastoral care, women’s ministry, youth ministry, worship ministry, administration, discipleship, and more. In many ways, the (church) world is your oyster.

However, I do believe this was one of the most intensified seasons in which my marriage and ministry were truly tested.

Mixed with a growing sense of financial stability, this was also one of the first times I wrestled deeply with the question:

• Was I married to the ministry, or was I married to my wife (and family)?

• Was there, in reading between the lines, a kind of unfaithfulness, where ministry had subtly become my mistress?

I heard it put this way once:

But one of the euphoric feelings of ministry is the goals it creates and the success that comes from achieving them. The daily grind of reaching those metrics becomes the fuel. It is highly combustible, both internally and externally.

When goals are missed, there is a need to double down and try harder. When metrics fall short and more pruning is required, there is again a push to double down and try harder. When standards are not met and greater measurement is demanded in order to become “the leader,” there is yet another call to double down and try even harder. This is an endless cycle.

It is no wonder that when I saw the book The 10 Key Roles of a Pastor by Gary McIntosh, I shrank back in fear. You are cast into one of eleven roles: the speaker, the pioneer, the coach, the captain, the executive, and so on. The list continues without end.

And so this is one of the hidden dangers, as I have begun to see the uglier side of the institutional church. This is where the church has become corporate and is governed heavily by policy.

The language towards support and accountability has increasingly shifted outside the church through paid counseling and therapy, yet there is rarely a comparable emphasis inside the church when it comes to accountability, honoring the Sabbath, and proper prioritization of the home (and where it belongs in the balance of ministry responsibility and one’s relationship with God).

Thom S. Rainer, author of Simple Church and Autopsy of a Deceased Church, identifies “Seven Warning Signs of Affairs for Pastors and Other Church Staff.”

Drawing from his experience and observations, he notes that many pastors and ministry leaders quietly struggle in their marriages, often overlooking early indicators that can lead to serious relational breakdown.

He stated that the top two responses from men who described ministry as a “deceitful mistress” were:

1. “I neglected my family”

2. “I had no system of accountability.”

And this is tragic.

It took me a long time to process this.

And I am still healing from some of the wounds I have experienced.

I say all this because, for much of my life, I never despised a church for exhibiting toxic traits. I often heard it said and even convinced myself that “I should stay. No church is perfect. Every church is struggling with something. Choose to remain and be the change you want to see.”

A healthy church is sustained by strong, thriving marriages. Among all God-ordained institutions, marriages should display marks and visible indicators of spiritual health and holiness.

Conversely, an unhealthy church reflects the opposite reality. When marriages are suffering, when relationships are breaking down, and when mistresses, whether in ministry or in personal life, are being pursued, there is sufficient reason to believe that many of the metrics and standards centered on personality, gifting, leadership skills, competency, ability, and talent often come at the expense of relationships, the strengthening of marriages, and the faithful stewardship of raising a godly family.

Furthermore, this is substantiated through Scripture:

1. First, marriage is built heavily at its foundation in the Old Testament.

2. Second, it is protected by the teachings of Jesus.

3. Finally, implied through the pastoral epistles and applied specifically throughout most of all the other of Paul’s general epistles.

Old Testament

Starting from the book of Genesis, God spoke of the leaving and cleaving of the husband and wife. The idea and concept of “one flesh” were applied to the marriage covenant (Genesis 2:24).

And as that first covenant was outlined, future passages were written to protect that ordinance. (select passages)

• Exodus 20:14: Speaks of the severity of the consequences for those who commit adultery.

• Song of Songs: An entire book is devoted to the beauty of attraction, faithfulness, and sexual intimacy within marriage.

• Proverbs 5:15–23; 6:27–32: Expound on the joy of covenant marriage, but also the consequences for the fool who commits infidelity.

• Malachi 2:14–16: Highlights the strength that comes from the marriage covenant of one’s youth.

• Hosea 1–3: God uses Hosea’s commitment to marriage with Gomer (who commits infidelity) as an illustration of God’s covenant faithfulness to Israel (who are unfaithful).

New Testament

In Matthew, Jesus begins with intensity, speaking about fidelity and how it must be pursued not only with external purity but also with internal purity (Matthew 5:27–28).

And the marriage covenant continues to be emphasized, affirming not only the grounds for strong marriages but also the qualifications for ministry. (select passages)

• Matthew 19:4–6: Marriage is God-joined and intended for permanence.

• 1 Corinthians 6:18–20; 7:2–5: Run from, avoid, and flee sexual sin committed against the body.

• Ephesians 5:25–33; Colossians 3:18–19: Marriage is a reflection of Christ’s love for His church.

• 1 Timothy 3; Titus 1: The qualifications of elders revolve around a committed marriage and a well-managed household.

• Hebrews 13:4: Marriage must be honored and kept undefiled.

• Revelation 19:7–9: The final marriage supper of the Lamb, Christ as the Groom and believers as His bride, comes together.

These texts drive home the emphasis on marriage.

And the last text is the most important. If there is no comprehension and application of Christ as the Groom and the church as His bride, then the failure falls on a church that does not know how to be the bride.

Over the past few years, I have come to understand marriage differently. I will offer a few reflections as I have stepped away from church staff, taken a sabbatical of sorts, and had ample time to reflect.

1. First, it does not matter what I say at home; it matters what I prioritize and do.

In a healthy and holy family, actions truly speak louder than words. My wife and my children know and feel when I am present and when I am genuinely prioritizing them.

2. Second, it is okay when ministry production falters, when an appointment is missed, and when certain “ministry-minded” responsibilities are postponed for the sake of a healthy marriage and being an ever-present parent at home.

When you have built a healthy ministry that genuinely pursues holiness, I have discovered that people are incredibly forgiving—especially those who serve alongside you.

3. Third, effectiveness in anything, including relationships, demands time.

Metrics show that working a forty-hour week is fairly normal. I even read an article that felt as though it was gaslighting ministers who prioritize their wives and children, suggesting, “You cannot spend every waking hour with your wife and kids—that’s idolizing them.”

But consider this: divided among your wife and children, do you even spend forty hours with them combined? If your ministry demands a forty-hour workweek, do you actually spend equal or more with those who are most important to you and your future?

You reap what you sow.

4. Fourth, your reactions, often driven by high anxiety and the pressure of ministry results or the expectations of others, can be telling.

They may be a red flag revealing how you have positioned yourself as a stranger in your own home. Over time, I have noticed that my emotional triggers have functioned as a defensive mechanism against my marriage and family rather than as traits that diffuse tension or lower fight-or-flight responses.

Being trained to focus on metrics and visible success has placed a strain on what is healthy and holy in my marriage.

5. Finally, spiritually forming and caring for a marriage must be felt.

A hand near a warm fire, a heavy blanket on a cold day, those who love you know when you truly love and care for them. Perhaps this has been one of the hardest lessons for me. When warmth is absent at home, something is amiss.

Carey Nieuwhof put it well:

“Pastors talk all the time about reaching new families. Perhaps it’s also time to stop sacrificing them by making them so busy with activities that they don’t have time actually to be a family.”

And this is the greatest lesson of all.

I want it back, a vibrant marriage and family life that is truly together. The beginning of the next chapter rests on a road well traveled.

And hopefully, much more is redeemable as God’s mercy allows.

Carey Nieuwhof. (2023, October 4). 10 telltale signs of bad church leadership (Guest post). Dave Kraft: Blog.https://davekraft.org/2023/10/04/10-telltale-signs-of-bad-church-leadership/

Dan Foster. (2025, n.d.). The problem with megachurches. Medium. https://medium.com/backyard-theology/the-problem-with-megachurches-48c5cd10f619

David Kraft. (2023, October 4). 10 telltale signs of bad church leadership. https://davekraft.org/2023/10/04/10-telltale-signs-of-bad-church-leadership/

Keller, T. (Author). (1988). The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the complexities of commitment with the wisdom of God.Dutton. (This is the standard APA citation for Tim Keller’s book; adjust edition if needed.)

McIntosh, G. L. (1995). The 10 Key Roles of a Pastor. Baker Books.

Rainer, T. S. (2014, January 29). Seven warning signs of affairs for pastors and other church staff. Church Answers.https://churchanswers.com/blog/seven-warning-signs-of-affairs-for-pastors-and-other-church-staff/

Roys, J. (2022, April 7). Tim Keller: Megachurches are “poor places for formation” & have “addictive dependence” on founders. The Roys Report. https://julieroys.com/tim-keller-megachurches-poor-places-formation/

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2001). ESV® (Standard ed.). Crossway. (Use the actual publication year of the edition you reference; 2001 is the original ESV publication year.)

For example:

• Why is Ilia Malinin’s (men’s figure skater) backflip allowed, but worth zero points, yet if he falls on it he is deducted points?

• Why does curling have nothing to do with curling anything, but rather involve a broom and a heavy rock?

• What does skeleton have to do with a rider going down an ice slide like the luge and bobsleigh, but headfirst, hands in and face down.

But the question I saw the most and the one I was most intrigued by was Lindsey Vonn’s attempt at alpine downhill skiing, to become the oldest Olympic medalist, while skiing on a completely torn left ACL.

• Wouldn’t it be wiser for her and for the team, to place someone in her spot who is both healthier and more able to help the team?

I immediately thought about similar sentiments I had with Jackie Chan when he performed stunts that nearly cost him his life. While filming Armour of God in 1986, he had a fall that fractured his skull, and a bone fragment stabbed into his brain.

The year before, he filmed Police Story, where he slid down live electric Christmas lights through a glass roof for five stories. He suffered electrical burns, a dislocated pelvis, and spinal injuries.

Would we tell Jackie Chan to stop acting, to stop making live-action, stunt-driven martial arts movies?

No, that would be absurd.

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One article said this of Chan’s craft:

“He was fully aware that he couldn’t spend his entire career doing nothing but dispatching bad guys, so he decided to channel his love of classic silent comedy and slapstick to inject his self-choreographed sequences with a light-hearted sense of humour.”

And he did all this at the expense of broken bones, coughing up blood, and near-death experiences.

He did not want to be an invulnerable one-man army. He wanted his viewers to see him hurt, to feel his pain. He wanted everyone to relate to him as the average Joe. Being human was a big part of his attraction.

Perhaps, in light of competition, Lindsey Vonn could have made a better decision—to think of the team above personal bravado and achievement. But on the other hand, it was not as if she did not earn it.

The Winter Olympics happens once every four years. To give up would not only mean giving up her position, but giving up competing forever. That is the price to pay for being at the top of your sport at a late age.

She wrestled with and lived out the tension as Eleanor Roosevelt put it: “

Do what you feel in your heart to be right—for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.”

On the other hand, I’ve heard the argument that her choice was to the detriment of the team. Competing as an injured athlete means that a healthy one in her place might be far better.

• Is a 70% Lindsey Vonn more competitive than another participant at 100%?

No one will ever know.

She was wrapped up in a no-win situation where every possible choice led to consequence and criticism.

When I think of all the achievements of Lindsey Vonn: 82 World Cup wins, four World Cup championships, and three Olympic medals, she is one of the most decorated Winter Olympians at age 41.

Jackie Chan is no small feat either, having committed to over 150 films, setting the Guinness World Record for most stunts by a living actor, receiving an honorary Academy Award, a star on the Walk of Fame, the Avenue of Stars—the list goes on and on.

One great film, one great Olympic achievement, would be enough for a lifetime, so why commit to more?

There’s not too much to discover on the relational end either. She had been married before and has had a handful of dating relationships, including Tiger Woods and P.K. Subban. All were short-lived and amounted to heartbreak and breakups.

The same goes for Jackie Chan. He has been married, but his extramarital affair and estranged children have left him on an island. He is often known for his martial arts endeavors, but not much is known about his marriage.

So what is the motivation? A final shot at gold? Proving the critics wrong? Rewriting the narrative about strained relationships or past failures?

Perhaps it is something deeper.

Perhaps it is the pursuit of greatness.

But the pursuit of greatness in this world comes at a great cost.

Giving up this life, the grandeur of achievement and accolades and effusive praise from others, is hard.

The highlights and the bright lights seem so good.

And to some, it feels right.

Jesus taught a principle to His disciples, and in very much the same vein, when it comes to following Jesus, it is either all in or all out.

Matthew 16:24–26:

“Then Jesus told his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?’”

When it comes to logic and reason, sometimes you are given two premises and told to choose between the two and only those two.

It is an either-or proposition.

But it is easy to look at these verses Jesus presents and wonder, “What about a both-and proposition?” Why can we not have everything in this world and everything in the next?

The pursuit of power and pleasure in this world is so alluring that it can replace our desire for God and the call to live for Him. There is no both-and: either you love the things of this world, or you pursue Christ.

However, what it does not mean is that you cannot have any pursuits. Lindsey Vonn can still ski for the gold, and Jackie can still break bones.

Greatness in the eyes of men can still be a measurable, even livable standard. Albeit, sometimes it can be harder to live up to those standards than the standards God has set.

The response of men toward failure is brutal, ostracizing, and at times unforgiving. God, on the other hand, though He is perfect, is not fatal toward failure and is at all times forgiving.

So, what lessons do we learn in an either-or proposition?

1. First, in following Jesus there will be a sacrifice.

“If anyone would come after me, (then) let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” (v. 24)

Following Jesus, the things of Christ, the values and worth found only in Jesus, like I said earlier is an all-in proposition. Jesus wants your life, your livelihood, your vanity, your virtue, and everything most valuable to you.

Denying yourself is not denying who you are, removing your identity, or erasing your story. Denying yourself is deciding to give up pursuing the standards and values of this world and carrying His cross daily. It is to take on suffering and hardship as valuable, rather than self-preservation and hubris.

James says it best in James 1:9–11:

“Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away.”

There is hidden character embedded in the boasting of lowliness.

2. Second, by following Jesus there is a “1-up”.

“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (v. 25)

I grew up playing video games, and in Super Mario Brothers there was the golden green mushroom. Or in shoot-’em-up games like Contra, there was a cheat code that gave unlimited lives. (Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.)

Jesus is a literal cheat code for this life and the next. If you continue to live and decide to “play” in this world, win prizes, and seek achievement in this world, then there is no 1-up.

There is no extra life. The life you live now is all there is.

As a famous Mossimo T-shirt once said:

“He who dies with the most toys still dies.”

Jesus does not only call us to follow Him, but to believe in Him.

But believe in what?

When Jesus spoke to His disciples in John 14, He said explicitly,

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” (v. 1)

He goes on to describe His plan, His purpose, His path. So much so that He emphasizes that He is “the way, the truth, and the life, and no man comes to the Father but through Him.” (v. 6)

This poignant verse explains that if you want life and life more abundantly, believe in Him for this life and the next.

3. Finally, with following Jesus there must be an exchange.

“For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?” (v. 26)

There is a return for gaining the whole world: the forfeiture of the soul. But then what about the one who forfeits the whole world? Truly, what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

C.S. Lewis called it the “Magician’s Bargain.”

“Give up our soul, get power in return. But once our souls, that is, ourselves, have been given up, the power thus conferred will not belong to us. We shall in fact be the slaves and puppets of that to which we have given our souls.”

—C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man

Invest in this world, and the text explains that it will cost you your soul, the spiritual being.

Invest in the promise that Christ is the better return; it will cost you your physical life, but it will be exchanged for a new life.

“The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life… But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”

—C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

• But what does this say about the conundrum Lindsey Vonn faced?

• Should she have skied on a torn ACL or given up that spot to someone much healthier and more viable to win a medal?

Knowing the injury, I would be open to the idea of giving up the spot on the team. At the same time, knowing her age, she may not reach the Olympics again. But the debate over whether she would be in good health and able to ski at age 45 is a huge conjecture. She can only focus on the here and now. But knowing the extent of her second injury, a complex tibia fracture that required an additional four surgeries (and potentially more after she returned to the U.S.) and now, still being unable to stand or walk a week later, hindsight can only suggest that perhaps giving up the spot may have been the preferable option.

Who really knows? I only pray and hope she recovers and is not inhibited from living the next chapter of her life fully and well.

But, here’s a thought:

And He too, ambitious, risk-taker, gave up His life, faced a murderer’s death, to give us an opportunity to new life. Not for gold. Not for glory. Not for applause.

But for you in this life and the next.

English Standard Version Bible. Crossway. (Original work published 2001)

Lewis, C. S. (1943). The abolition of man. Oxford University Press.

Lewis, C. S. (1952). Mere Christianity. Geoffrey Bles.

People Staff. (2023). All about Jackie Chan’s children. People. https://people.com/all-about-jackie-chan-children-7557609

Sharma, A. (2024). Jackie Chan married Joan Lin Feng-Jiao, son Jaycee jailed for drugs, extramarital affair with Elaine Ng Yi-Lei. BollywoodShaadis. https://www.bollywoodshaadis.com/articles/jackie-chan-married-joan-lin-feng-jiao-son-joycee-jailed-drugs-extramarital-affair-elaine-ng-yi-lei-70955

The Times. (n.d.). Lindsey Vonn crash injury ACL. The Times. https://www.thetimes.com/sport/winter-olympics/article/lindsey-vonn-crash-injury-acl-q758nxcf8

Marriage Matters - Part 2

Marriage Matters - Part 3

Marriage Matters - Part 4

Marriage Matters - Part 5

Marriage Matters - Part 6

I worked five years at Southwestern under the department of research and assessment, stretching my abilities in engineering and database organization. I had to learn how to develop charts and graphs and set in statistics for the seminary for accreditation annually, as well as a major accreditation cycle every five years. Twice, I had to learn how to implement quality enhancement protocols. That meant I had to churn out data and forecast ahead what the school’s student body would look like one year, two years, three years, and up to five years in advance.

After that position, I was elevated to executive assistant to the School of Theology. This was incredibly new for me. It gave me the opportunity to work for a department and a group of men I respected and loved. It also gave me the opportunity to hire a team, develop them, and put together an administrative process that would function well within the department.

Not to mention, I also had the opportunity to put together bits and pieces of Charles Spurgeon’s old sermons. Although I did not ever get to read through them extensively, even being in proximity to them was exciting.

I got to go to work every day and study theology alongside giants of the faith.

However, these years were more than just work. I was pursuing a doctorate over the next five years, specifically from 2011 to 2017. Mired in the mix of everything I was doing in my career, I also took on another task my wife carefully asked me to consider, teach overseas.

During a missions week one Friday, there was a man by the name of Lonnie Diggs who had a heart for Southeast Asia, and more specifically, the underground church. For years, I had been highly resistant to working with Asians.

Remember one of the qualities I mentioned earlier. I can easily become hyper focused. I did not want to commit to something if I could not see it through to completion.

But I prayed.
And I listened.
The Lord said go, and I went.

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That meeting opened the door to new opportunities outside of the seminary. For the first time, I heard the goal of this endeavor from Lonnie Diggs. He gave me two words: reproducibility and sustainability.

If I tagged along and traveled with him, I would be bringing material and sound biblical training that would be both reproducible and sustainable.

Sustainable meant that I would be equipping committed and teachable students who wanted to carry forth the discipleship flame. They not only wanted to learn the craft, but they wanted to teach the craft for a long time.

Reproducible meant that the material and strategies used would be able to be replicated and would make new disciples in the process. It is the idea of teachers making disciples, and disciples making teachers.

On top of that, I took on two additional challenges during these years, alongside working for the School of Theology, finishing my doctorate, traveling overseas, and pastoring two churches.

The first church was larger in scale. It was a church rejuvenation project where I stepped in as the lead pastor for two years in Aledo, Texas. The second project was smaller in scale and involved taking an assistant English pastorate position at a Chinese church in Arlington, Texas.

Both of these stretched me. Again, keep in mind my tendency toward hyper focus. You should be asking and pondering,

• “Why is he taking on so much with such limited time?”

• “What does this mean for the time he will be spending with his family?”

• “How will he accomplish all of this within such limited capacity?”

Without extended hours, I had forty hours of work, plus preaching, church business meetings, leadership development courses, and overseas travel.

That meant I made the decision to give my family morsels of my time. This became a season of discovery:

• “What are my limits?”

• “What are my priorities?”

There was a lot that unfolded during these next few years, as the waning years at the seminary meant we needed to seriously consider what came next. For one, we had to start thinking about moving. Once I was done with classes and working for Southwestern, we would need to change locations. Second, the kids were still homeschooled; however, their extracurricular activities demanded much more of them.

My oldest daughter was increasingly getting closer to her black belt in Taekwondo. She was also approaching the point where she would need a job and begin looking at colleges.

My son was gradually winning competitions in men’s gymnastics. He was the outlier on his club team, and consistency was beginning to breed excellence. He was not only good at what he did, but he exercised the right moxie and maturity to handle the stress of the sport and his faith.

Lastly, my daughter also began to excel. Her mastery in music placed her at another level in orchestra and music competitions.

• As all eyes were on them, were all eyes also on my wife and I?

• And how was our marriage being perceived as everything began to swirl around us and constant change became the new normal?

I honestly was facing more questions than answers.

This brings me to 2017, when I finally walked across the stage one last time in Southwestern Seminary’s doctoral program and finished. I had also traveled and taught at many schools throughout Central and Southeast Asia. The final chapters at the churches I had served also began to close.

And as I looked back and saw the changes, the image and the outcome of who I had become started to grow clearer. I was different, but the investment was not in my marriage; it was in my calling and ministry.

The irony of all this was that the work and the accolades did not result in a more anchored or grounded marriage. Instead, it revealed and opened up many of the weaknesses that had often been ignored.

Here are at least four things I learned about myself during this season:

1. First, I am often inclined to focus on achievement.

Personally, through years of leadership training and development, most assessments focus on certain skills, attributes, or values that set one up for success. However, they rarely hone in on weakness. Often, you are told to avoid weakness and neglect it altogether.

The biblical paradox is that God’s grace is sufficient for us because His power is made perfect in weakness. Furthermore, Paul asserts,

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

- 2 Cor. 12:9–10

Accepting your weakness is when you are ready to allow God to step in.

2. Second, I often disregarded the importance of the things at home and my wife.

Over these years, I taught myself this bad habit.

I was once reminded of the hidden skills and habits you can teach your kids. For example, when I come home from work, sit on my recliner, and watch television for the next two hours, what have I just inadvertently taught my kids?

I just taught them that vegging out for two hours after work and watching television is an acceptable skill. Regardless of context, whether I am tired or not or whether I “deserve” that time, the condition is set, and I have trained and hardwired my children to think this way.

In the same way, whether my circumstances gave me permission or not, the mere fact that I purposefully disregarded the responsibilities and relationships that mattered most made it hard for my wife, even when I was home. I became another child to take care of, often discovered as a shell of a responsible adult.

Ignoring minor details can cause major problems. I could not assume the family ran on its own.

Learning to be an available dad and husband matters, because no calling outranks the people who call you home.

3. Third, I delayed my responses to my family in an attempt to soften the blow when I had a hard time telling the truth or righting wrongs.

There are many moments I recall where I tried to skirt responsibility or avoid truth telling because facing reality was difficult. Sometimes, a lie formed from an imaginative virtuality felt easier than the truth that could potentially complicate reality.

Proverbs 12:22 is straightforward:

“The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in people who are trustworthy.”

It sounds black and white, but in my youth, my fight or flight responses were trained to avoid, evade, and lie. You do not know what you do not know [or care to know].

However, as Billy Graham once notably said, “Integrity means our outward life is consistent with our inner convictions.”

Righting wrongs always comes with brutal honesty.

4. And finally, I noticed I have a hard time focusing on mental and emotional stress, often leading me to replay negative tapes about my value, such as “I am worthless,” “I can never do anything right,” “I am unlovable,” and “I deserve to be alone.” This causes me to fall into a negative cycle about my surroundings, such as taking control, raising my temperature, and assuming the worst.

And when fight or flight takes place, I often run away.

Perhaps mental stress and emotional strength tests are needed daily. I often studied how engineers determine how much stress certain materials can handle.

This is called a tensile strength test, or a tension test. This occurs when a material, like a dog bone, is pushed, squeezed, and pulled until it breaks and snaps. From the results, crucial properties such as yield strength and elongation are measured to determine how much stress the material can endure.

In much the same way, the human mind and emotions are stressed, pushed, and pulled throughout life. Each person has a certain amount they can endure. The worst part over the years was hearing those who did not understand my upbringing or stress. There was often belittling and dismissiveness of my thoughts.

For example:

• Back in my day, we did not call in sick for mental health days.

• Back in my day, we walked uphill both ways to school and back home.

• Back in my day, we did not have participation trophies.

• Back in my day, we did not complain about working more than fifty hours.

• Back in my day, if you did not like it, you sucked it up and ate everything on your plate.

• Back in my day, we did not complain about hardship; it built character.

• Back in my day, if you did not like it, tough.

• Back in my day, we did not read ingredient labels, and we turned out just fine.

And so labels scarred the following generation, because they were seen as pansies, weak, and mentally soft.

The frightening part is not that this was only done to me, but that it is the very lens through which I sometimes see this younger generation and the future.

The mental and emotional scarring disrupts any potential for developing relational empathy or wisdom, both for helping myself and for guiding others.

Proverbs 23:6–7 says,

“Do not eat the bread of a man who is stingy; do not desire his delicacies, for he is like one who is inwardly calculating. ‘Eat and drink!’ he says to you, but his heart is not with you.”

In essence, one translation says,

“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he” (v. 7a).

A miser, even when he gives, requires a return because he is greedy. He does not understand another’s need, because avarice rules within him. He can only think of himself.

Empowerment is not only knowing someone’s struggle, but acknowledging when to hold and when to fold.

Trusting God to hold space even when it is complex or difficult, to recognize another’s suffering even when it seems light to you, and to journey with them through it is the epitome of faith-full-ness.

And so, through my thirties I have learned these four things:

1. Accepting your weakness is when you are ready to allow God to step in.

2. Learning to be an available dad and husband matters, because no calling outranks the people who call you home.

3. Righting wrongs always comes with brutal honesty.

4. Trusting God to hold space even when it is complex or difficult, to recognize another’s suffering even when it seems light to you, and to journey with them through it is the epitome of faith-full-ness.

And my hope is that you yearn for this in your life, because godly living in a Christ filled marriage and family, demands you die to yourself.

Marriage Matters - Part 8

Crossway Bibles. (2001). The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Crossway.

You heard that right—thirty years.

It also cost about sixty-one million dollars to make. This is right around the cheaper end, or as Hollywood media would say, cost-effective.

One of my favorite movies of 2023 was Godzilla Minus One, and that one cost about ten million dollars. For movies moving forward, based on quality and cost, Godzilla Minus One is my standard that more money does not mean a better movie.

So, based on that, David cost three times as much, but would it be able to produce the same quality or better when it comes to character and plot development?

And I give it an astounding yes!

The animation was high quality, and the music was even better. I’ll give some spoilers here, so if you have not watched it yet, I would stop reading here.

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Otherwise, I’ll divide this into two categories: character development and plot progression. And then give you an overall summary of the movie and how it connected the dots with Scripture.

There were several notable characters throughout the movie. However, I would note that the animation and uniqueness of the drawings reminded me of Mulan and The Emperor’s New Groove.

David’s brothers reminded me of Ling and Shang from Mulan. They had similar features, and their mannerisms were very similar. There were two distinct brothers that were featured, and when facing Goliath, their distinct support of and resistance against David was seen visibly.

Eliab and Abinadab

Eliab was the warrior, older brother, often in contention with David. His arc was clearly seen, moving from highly resistant to David to finally supporting David at the end.

Abinadab was the passive-aggressive one toward Eliab. He fought alongside the Israelite army with Eliab but often acted on the side of David. There was at least one scene I remember where he supported David in opposition to Eliab.

Jesse and Rebecca

The mother and father were a pleasant surprise. Disney notably does not feature character development of parents. Quite often, one parent dies while the protagonists are left progressing the story with little or no parental advice.

This is not the case here. Angel studios bucks against the Disney trend and writes a beautiful story arc with David’s parents.

The parents reminded me of Fa Zhou and Hua Li from Mulan. The reason for the connection was their caring nature and their desire to wrestle with the tension of knowing God’s plan for David, letting him go and grow, and realizing and living through the consequences that come with that.

Rebecca was David’s mom and had several big musical numbers, most notably Tapestry. The lyrics, draw heavily on Psalms 121 and 139.

So lift your eyes above the hills
higher up and higher still
If you could see from heaven’s view
All the plans drawn out for you
Like the way we work the loom
He knits you from inside the womb
Every string is used in His design

Furthermore, you see sequences where she trusts the Lord and His anointing on David—from facing the Philistines and Goliath (there’s a song for that too) to reaping the consequences of David leaving a Philistine encampment open for the Amalekites to capture.

Although the father was not featured as much, Jesse does his best to listen to the prophet Samuel, bringing out all his sons in the beginning to see who was anointed. However, a different take, at least for me, sees a dad who puts the charge of the flock to David as one of the wisest things he does.

The cattle were the very thing that brought income and a way of life for the family. And to leave that task to someone so young seems to reveal that there was deep trust in Jesse to pass that responsibility on to David.

Albeit the movie seems to portray that David was forgotten, I see it as Jesse not wanting Samuel to take David—the son probably groomed to take over the family business and who was the most dependable and reliable son.

Nevertheless, I was thankful that the mother and father were very much a part of David’s life.

Other characters worth mentioning are King Achish, Goliath, the Amalekites, King Saul, and Jonathan.

King Achish and Goliath

King Achish reminded me most of Emperor Kuzco in The Emperor’s New Groove. He had similar mannerisms and facial features. And the fault was that he was too similar to Kuzco. I could not take him seriously at all. And he was the one character I was not convinced was maniacal enough to earn the trust of his warriors.

Goliath on the other hand was the opposite. He was brutish, large and gruesome. However, this leads to the greatest critique I have for the movie. The Philistine army looked far too much like Greek and Roman soldiers, and I do not believe that should have been the case. Although they had armor and weaponry that potentially could have been far more advanced than the Israelites’, they did not have the technology of the Romans, much less the Greeks.

The Amalekites

On the other hand, the Amalekites and the imagery behind them were also a little questionable. Supposedly, they were seen as nomadic tribes and the epitome and embodiment of evil that opposed everything good about God. I think that was the perception, but they felt too much like the Huns in Mulan - oversized and awkward.

The look did not fit, as it was such a bizarre contrast to everything else.

King Saul and Jonathan

That being said, King Saul was handled well. The bravado and the neglect to listen to God were portrayed well in the scenes.

However, Jonathan, I felt, lacked full treatment in his character. He seemed more like a loyal soldier to Saul rather than wrestling with the tension of being David’s best friend and Saul’s son. The one scene I felt was missing and needed was from 1 Samuel 20.

There is the iconic scene of Jonathan shooting arrows either to send David to safety or to tell David he is safe with King Saul. Jonathan speaks with a young boy to gather the arrows and says a specific phrase to David in the field where the arrows land, communicating the heart and current state of mind of King Saul.

Jonathan tells this to David:

“And I will shoot three arrows to the side of it, as though I shot at a mark. And behold, I will send the boy, saying, ‘Go, find the arrows.’ If I say to the boy, ‘Look, the arrows are on this side of you, take them,’ then you are to come, for, as the Lord lives, it is safe for you and there is no danger. But if I say to the youth, ‘Look, the arrows are beyond you,’ then go, for the Lord has sent you away.”
— 1 Samuel 20:20–22

However, while there was a scene that showed the closeness of the men, I felt it missed this pivotal moment.

David and God

Next comes the main characters: David and God. It is easy to miss, in Christian movies especially over the past few decades, God’s hand in the stories. Too often, writers and producers fall either into mishandling history and aligning it as myth, or they fall into hero worship, increasing the gravitas of the character while decreasing the glory of the Lord.

I felt this was not the case here. David’s blunders were clearly seen—from the first scene of stumbling and bumbling around with the sheep to the tension of either going back to save his family from the Amalekites versus jumping into battle with Saul and Jonathan against the Philistines.

Additionally, it was comforting to know that God received the credit, even in the defeat of Goliath. The very lines in the lyrics display that:

You are the One who brings me victory
You are the One who watches over me
You’re my joy,
Lord, You’re my peace
You’re the reason I live

The last song is the best evidence for this, quoting directly from Psalm 8:

When I consider the wonders Your hands have made
The sun, moon, and stars, all Your glory on full display
Who am I that You know me and love me and call me by name?
Lord, I can’t help but lift up my hands and sing out Your praise
Oh, Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name
In all the earth, You deserve all the glory and the praise
We sing
Halle’, halle’
Halle’, halle’, hallelujah
We’re giving all our praise to You

Honorable Mention

Finally, the last two characters I’ll mention stole the show for me, and that is the interplay between David’s sister, Zeruiah, and David’s faithful sheep and friend, Tali.

David is not only a good brother to Zeruiah; he is also a faithful, kind shepherd to Tali. Although Tali is a young lamb at the beginning, by the end of the movie she is fully grown. The character of David grew during the times he interacted with both of them.

The beginning of the movie actually walks through two stories that are very common to David’s beginnings.

David fights the lion and the bear in 1 Samuel 17:34–36, and David’s anointing with Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:1–13. I personally thought the interchange between the two was done very well.

David’s reluctance to wanting to receive the anointing, and realizing that King Saul also received the anointing, was a great tension that was wrestled with by David throughout the movie.

The plot then moves to 1 Samuel 16:14–23, talking about David playing the harp to Saul while an evil spirit troubled him. The fact that there were many musicians who tried to entertain Saul was hilarious. When David finally got inside to play, I liked the fact that he played a worship song on a borrowed harp (he did not bring his own instrument). However, I was irked by the fact that all the other musicians waiting in line joined him and actually played as a band. This was obviously added to the story, as well as the song titled Shalom.

David and the group successfully tame the king, and then the plot moves forward to David delivering food to his brothers and fighting Goliath. This is now literally taking place through the entirety of 1 Samuel 17.

The tension between King Saul and the ruler of the Philistines, King Achish, was well played. And Goliath, very pale-skinned, large, and muscular, is the champion the Philistine army deserved. His mockery of not just David, but the God of Israel, was interesting.

His desire to fight and find a worthy champion moved from insulting Israel for sending a child like David to praising Israel for allowing him to fight a god. This was a great plot twist, and I enjoyed that tension.

From then on came David, marching through the city, garnering all the praise. His mother, Rebecca, weaves a beautiful tapestry of David slaying Goliath. However, King Saul’s fatal character flaw appears. He continues to think the worst of David.

All the while, Jonathan, son of King Saul, grows in his relationship with David. As mentioned earlier, there is an interplay between David and Jonathan that shows their friendship through locking arms, linking up in an angled high five, and a shoulder embrace.

Yet King Saul’s anger grows, so much so that he launches an internal military campaign against David, his family, and his followers. There is even a scene dedicated to 1 Samuel 18, where David’s music no longer calms Saul, and in anger he throws a spear at David.

The next few scenes play out with David trying to escape. Interestingly enough, he tries to hide in the temple and even hides in the outer area. When he flees from there, he runs into his brothers Eliab and Abinadab. Eliab, loyal to King Saul, tries to prevent him from fleeing. Abinadab lets David go.

Fast forward almost six chapters to 1 Samuel 24. In the movie, David is found in a desert by a nomadic traveler trying to steal his shoes, only to discover the traveller was part of David’s family and followers who escaped.

From there, the escapees take David to a cave, marked by a waterfall and a single tree blooming at its center. David hides here from King Saul and his men, who are still pursuing them in order to kill them. Later on, he discovers that Saul’s men have also stopped there, and King Saul walks in, sits down, and takes a break.

There, David cuts off a piece of Saul’s robe.

David tells his men and King Saul that he is not out to kill him or take his throne. Hilariously enough, in 1 Samuel 24:2, the area is known as Wildgoats’ Rocks. Saul goes back home, but the movie here takes a different turn, with Saul still harboring anger toward David.

However, this is where the biblical version deviates, as the conversation carries more optimism, with David swearing not to cut off Saul’s offspring or remove his name. (vv. 16–21)

The last scenes vacillated between three chapters, 1 Samuel 29–31. There is an interaction where David and his men were embedded in the armies of the Philistines, trying to destroy them before they destroyed Israel, King Saul, and his son. This tension is not in the biblical text; however, the way it was shown in the movie increased the tension David had to wrestle with.

David discovers that the Amalekites had raided Ziklag and burned the city down. David now has to decide: Do I go back to Ziklag and save his people, or march forward to destroy the Philistines with Saul and Jonathan?

David goes back to save his family and followers from the Amalekites. However, King Saul and Jonathan perish in their fight against the Philistines.

The movie ends here, with David singing Psalm 8, giving the praise and glory back to God. And he tops this off by cutting off a piece of his own robe in solidarity with Saul, recognizing that God is sovereign and ruler, and that he only plays a small part in His greater tapestry.

In retrospect, the animated movie does a great job weaving all these stories that took place from 1 Samuel 16 through chapter 31 in just under two hours.

Obviously, because this is the American film industry, there are always liberties taken in how to move the story along so that a modern audience can understand it.

Very much like The Prince of Egypt by Disney, it keeps the story as faithful to the biblical text as they allow it. And just as there is tension among the brothers, Moses and the Pharaoh of Egypt, in that movie, there is tension here between two kings God anointed: King Saul and David.

Furthermore, you will hear little of the Hebrew accents or language, aside from a few songs here or there. It also does not capture the essence of the Philistines or Amalekites. That is common among Western movies, where they simply, just for the sake of reaching modern audiences, ignore or replace those details to make it more relateable.

This also applies to mannerisms and appearances. Because of the animation and style, there is much that adapts to Westernized audiences, from the chiseled, rugged, and boyish good looks to how, in some scenes, it looks more modern than it does like events that took place before Christ.

But on the other hand, this modern adaptation also makes it worthwhile to watch and listen to. The director kept the old way of storytelling that made classic Disney stories so memorable.

“The usual hero adventure begins with someone from whom something has been taken, or who feels there is something lacking in the normal experience available or permitted to the members of society. The person then takes off on a series of adventures beyond the ordinary, either to recover what has been lost or to discover some life-giving elixir. It’s usually a cycle, a coming and a returning.”

— Joseph Campbell

And this is what you see. There is captivating storytelling, strong relational elements between parents, children, and family, an attempt to stay true to the original story, and bright, positive, and catchy music that can be listened to, memorized, and replayed time and time again.

I’ll finish with this:

Near the end of the film, there is a scene where David is hung on a tree, presumably to give his life to set his family free. This scene, more than any other, seems to have been added by the writers and producers to show that there would be One coming from David’s line who would do just that—die for the sins of mankind.

This is an intentional foreshadowing, and the writers and producers were not skittish about including it.

And for that reason alone, this is a film worth watching.

PluggedIn. (n.d.). Movie review: Mulan [Film review]. PluggedIn. https://www.pluggedin.com/movie-reviews/mulan/

PluggedIn. (n.d.). Movie review: The Emperor’s New Groove [Film review]. PluggedIn. https://www.pluggedin.com/movie-reviews/emperorsnewgroove/

The Walt Disney Family Museum. (2015, July 20). What makes Disney stories so memorable? The Disney storytelling formula. https://www.waltdisney.org/blog/disney-storytelling-formula

ESV Bible. (2001). English Standard Version. Crossway Bibles.

As you begin, slowly process your thoughts while you read through each of these cases.

• Case A: An eight-year affair while married for fifty years

• Case B: An extramarital affair, a divorce, and then another confessed affair.

• Case C: An extramarital affair and a case of child abuse of a twelve-year-old.

• Case D: Serial infidelity, a wrecked marriage, and abusive drug use.

• Case E: An adulterous affair for five years while married for forty years.

How does this make you feel? (e.g. outraged, betrayed, sad, grieved, overwhelmed)

What do you notice they all have in common? (e.g. a moment of weakness, adultery, emotional abuse, trauma)

How does culture view sexual immorality (rejecting morality by living contrary to it—wicked) or perhaps sexual amorality (apathy plus morality—I do not care what morality I need to live by—reckless evil)? (e.g. ignorance, accepted, expected, hardened, inconceivable)

Furthermore, more questions arise—more important ones—when it comes to real pain and real hurt that has been done to real people.

• How is the wife?

• How are the children?

• How are the other friends and family reacting to this

There must be an inexplicable pain, a profound sorrow rooted in grief and betrayal.

If this was Hollywood, you would brush it off easily. Most Hollywood marriages fail. Infidelity is the norm—not to mention other sexual acts and sins run rampant that are not even appropriate to address or talk about here.

If this was your typical office, business relationship, there have been cases where it has damaged the image of the business. But more often or not, business carries on. See the example recently of ex-CEO Andy Byron and ex-head of HR Kristin Cabot of Astronomer. And in this case, the lives of the two are left shattered, broken shards all over the proverbial ground. (See story of Kristin Cabot)

If this was a political relationship, you wouldn’t bat an eye. This is not uncommon, especially with past and present presidential cycles, nothing out of the ordinary. Infidelity is anticipated, even expected in the highest position of the land.

These were or are seen as “godly” influential leaders. Each one of these labels represent lead pastors, worship pastors, Christian authors, and writers. They have extensive credentials, having traveled the world, preached to thousands, worshiped with millions, and affected more through their books, sermons, and songs.

That was difficult to type. It is hard not to cry for the victims and those hurt by their poor choices. Even harder to leave these cases in anonymity. For further research, you can look at the end of this article for each story and their confessions.

My heart breaks over the families, but more so for the wives and children who now bear a weight of hurt and pain that is almost indescribable.

As one author put it in response to one of those individuals:

“I’m sorry it ended this way. I’ll pray for you. I’m not praying it will all end well for you; that is unlikely. I’m not praying that everything will be all right and that people will show you magnanimity; such a result might not benefit your soul. I am praying that, whatever journey you’re on from this point on, will remit what you need to purify your heart. I’m praying that the pain you are enduring now and will endure till your life’s end will cleanse your inner being so that—when you come into the presence of God—there will somehing of you left that can bear witness to the glory of it [Him]. - Wendy Murray

In essence, I want to answer a question that has long eluded me—one I have wrestled with for years but have been constrained in fully addressing by the limits of my own life experience.

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What does it mean to love deeply, to love well, love faithfully, and endure in lasting marital commitment?

• And what about our concentrated and focused prayers—what are they truly aimed at? Is it my kingdom come, or His kingdom come?

• Are we in Christian ministry and servanthood for ourselves, or do we live as Christ lived?

“even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matt. 20:28)?

There must be truthful pruning—a deep, heart-piercing examination of godly men of influence—and how men must exhibit qualities that must not be controversial, but confessional; must not be in conflict, but with clarity, with overwhelming accountability and honesty.

So, here are five essential desires I thought of, from the only person I believe can push men, both young and old, to live faithfully unto the Lord. And this is not something preventive, but rather a priority. This person and pursuit is Jesus.

For some of you, this might be a realignment of your virtues. For others, it may be a reawakening of a tired, exhausted, Spirit-filled life.

But hopefully, for all of you, this is nothing new.

1. Desire a quiet life (1 Thessalonians 4:10b-12)

“Yet we urge you, brothers and sisters, to do so more and more, and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”

It is poignant to note that in verse 3 of that same chapter it says:

“It is God’s will that you be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.”

Do not give the perception to those around you—who know about you and care for you—that you live like a pagan.

A quiet life, in a social media–driven society where “likes” and “follows” are a social norm, seems taboo now. Telling others to make that an ambition, a goal for their life, is countercultural.

However, I encourage the best “quiet” life you can live. I do not encourage a form of asceticism or pious extremism that leads to a life of legalism and a list of do’s and don’ts.

I do not believe this is what Paul is purporting.

Yet it is essential that, while pursuing a quiet life, these pursuits become your focus. You are in the world, but not of the world, seeking to know God.

• Sanctification – a pursuit of holiness (v.3)

• Morality – a pursuit of sexual dignity and value (v.3)

• Self-control – a pursuit of temperance and prudence (v.3)

• Integrity – a pursuit of a life that honors others in the way you live, built on a godly work ethic and a family that honors Him (vv. 10b–12)

2. Desire a humble life (James 4:10)

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

It is poignant to note that in verse 4 that same chapter says:

“You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.”

If He—God—lifts you up, then in reality you are fallen down. The Lord is clear about the consequence of sin and the power of sin over us. It kills, and it lures. Do not fall prey to it. And truly, do not let bad theology convince you that you are impervious to the effects and power of sin.

It is no wonder Paul encourages the churches of Corinth and Timothy in the pastoral letters to “flee from sexual immorality… flee from youthful lusts…” (1 Cor. 6:18; 2 Tim. 2:22).

The humble life is knowing two truths:

• You are fallen. To think of yourself otherwise is arrogance and ignorance at its worst. As Romans 12:3 reminds us, “…[Do] not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but think in a way that results in sound judgment, as God distributed a measure of faith to each of you.” Know your place.

• You need help. The ideal of the Western world is independence: “I can do it all if I try hard enough. Follow your dreams.” This cannot be further from the truth. There is a humble dependence on the Lord that goes beyond the physical. God wants you to live the humble life, but in that life you need help. Psalm 121:1–2 says, “I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.” Get help.

3. Desire a confessed life. (Proverbs 28:13)

“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

Considering that King Solomon and his father, David, both lived lives affected by sexual sin should communicate to you that even giants of the faith can be entangled in webs of lust.

But facts are facts. Do not conceal sin. Confession may begin in a safe place and with safe people, but confession must confront correction and endure criticism.

There is a self-discipline and a Spirit-filled discipline that comes from confession. I believe it is not practiced often because it is awkward. Who wants to tell everyone their personal, dirty laundry?

“[However], confessing sin to another believer rips off the mask of hypocrisy so we can breathe in the air of honesty. Confession humbles us, which by nature uproots the pride that keeps immorality alive and attractive to our souls.” —Garrett Kell

James 5:16 states, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

Here are some tools: (on top of honest hard conversations involving your family)

• Find a small circle of trusted friends—those who are straightforward and take you seriously. By “small,” keep it to no more than five. They should exhibit traits of trustworthiness and accountability.

• Find a challenging group of friends. They are safe, but they approach correction with courageous action. These are friends unafraid to push you to grow toward Jesus.

• Find an earnest group of interceding, praying friends. They are Spirit-driven, Spirit-filled, and Spirit-led. Each moment of confession is filtered through concentrated minutes of deep, unfiltered prayer.

4. Desire a life of accountability. (Galatians 6:1-5)

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.”

Paul speaks to the Christians of Galatia with strong language.

Look at verse 3: “For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.”

This should be a strong reminder not to think of yourself more highly than you ought, or higher than you truly are.

Restoration begins with those who are willing to walk with you, holding you accountable with a spirit of gentleness, bearing burdens together, and following the heart and work of Christ.

As you read through this, you are probably noticing that these desires begin to cross over and intersect—forming concentric circles that overlap. You are right. An accountable life strives to find others who confess honestly and humbly, and a quiet life exhibits these traits ad infinitum.

5. Desire a life of Christ. (Ephesians 5:1-2)

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

There is always a question of whether or not Christ was tempted in such a way. And there are reported incidents in Scripture where He openly spoke with women, which broke Jewish cultural norms, yet He did not let that stop Him. Jesus valued the women around Him. He held space, respected them but also honored His role as Savior, Lord and man.

• In John 4, He spoke with the Samaritan woman at the well.

• He spoke with the bleeding woman (Mark 5).

• He also addressed the woman caught in adultery. (John 8)

• And approached the widow of Nain (Luke 7).

• He communed with the sisters, Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38–42).

• And His feet were anointed with perfume by Mary of Bethany (John 12).

However difficult the social norms or cultural image, He still interacted with women, He was often seen in public with them, and if He was in a home with them, there was communication and accountability among others.

Jesus held Himself above reproach and held others to that same standard. Jesus gave His life, served others, and was careful about what He said and how He said it.

I must, you must, we must yearn to put on Christ and put off the old self.

In review, What does it mean to love deeply, to love well, love faithfully, and endure in lasting marital commitment?

Desire these things:

• Desire (to live) a quiet life (1 Thessalonians 4:10b–12)

• Desire (to live) a humble life (James 4:10)

• Desire (to live) a confessed life (Proverbs 28:13)

• Desire (to live) a life of accountability (Galatians 6:1–5)

• Desire (to live) a life of Christ (Ephesians 5:1–2)

Remember, our battle is more than just our flesh. What wars in our hearts is enmity against God. As Tim Keller once reminded me, “Unless you’re willing to admit you’re at war with God, you will never know how to surrender” (Rom. 5:10).

Fight the good fight.

But do not fight this fight alone.

Belz, E. (2026, January 6). Author Philip Yancey confesses affair, withdraws from ministry. Christianity Today.
https://www.christianitytoday.com/2026/01/author-philip-yancey-confesses-affair-withdraws-from-ministry/

Baikovicius, J. (2016, March 21). Tullian Tchividjian confesses second affair concealed by Coral Ridge elders. Christianity Today.
https://www.christianitytoday.com/2016/03/tullian-tchividjian-confesses-second-affair-coral-ridge/

English Standard Version Bible. (2016). Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Crossway.

Kell, G. (2021, July 14). Walk in the light: How God uses our confession to others. The Gospel Coalition.
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/confession-others-sin/

Keller, T., & Keller, K. (2011). The meaning of marriage: Facing the complexities of commitment with the wisdom of God. Dutton.

Kramer McGinnis, K. (2025, July 17). Newsboys scandals show Christian music has few moral guardrails. Christianity Today.
https://www.christianitytoday.com/2025/07/newsboys-scandal-michael-tait-ccm-accountability-moral-guardrails/

Lawson, S. (2025, March 13). Steve Lawson’s official confession. The Aquila Report.
https://theaquilareport.com/steve-lawsons-official-confession/

New York Times. (2025, December 18). Coldplay concert kiss-cam moment sparks public scrutiny. The New York Times.
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/12/18/style/coldplay-concert-couple-kiss-cam-woman.html

Murray, Wendy. Substack. (n.d.). Inbox post [Subscriber-only post]. Substack.
https://substack.com/inbox/post/183961592

The Dallas Morning News. (2025, March 12). A timeline of Robert Morris, Gateway Church, and the child sex abuse scandal.
https://www.dallasnews.com/news/faith/2025/03/12/a-timeline-of-robert-morris-gateway-church-and-the-child-sex-abuse-scandal-2/

In this case, as a Christian and a pastor, I want to advise against watching this. This is not only because I am a pastor or a Christian, but because I had every intention as a watcher to make sure I had, mentally, my filters and my boundaries turned on. That means I wanted to be mindful of the abhorrent cussing, sexual content, horror, and killing scenes. Additionally, if you have VidAngel, a great app, it helps in avoiding some of the unnecessary words and scenes I could avoid, pause, and skip.

But I cannot say this enough, make sure you know what your values are and do not allow yourself to compromise those values. Otherwise, without these filters and boundaries, I advise skipping this series.

For a deeper read on how to glorify God while engaging entertainment, click here.

That being said, here begins my overview.
**Disclaimer: There are spoilers. I do not want to ruin the series for you, so I would take great precautions in reading this.

When it comes to each season, I would keep in mind that there are a few deaths, but the deaths that do happen are incredibly impactful.

As I debated writing over the past ten years of this show, I wanted to make sure that there was plenty of thought and virtue placed into the “why and how” I watched it, not just what I watched. Over the past score of years, I have really challenged myself when it comes to watching television series and movies. I love space epics such as Star Trek and Stargate: Atlantis, but I also enjoy a good rom-com (romantic comedy) like The Princess Bride, You’ve Got Mail, or The Wedding Date.

So, my range is pretty broad. However, I am not a pure aesthetic by any means. I do not avoid secular films in favor of only faith-based films.

I believe that mature Christians can and should venture into secular movies if they desire to transform and make a difference, and not simply conform. I am all about impact, not about avoidance, while still upholding Christian character and virtue in light of the darkest places in and of this world.

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That being said, the Stranger Things phenomenon, particularly in season 1, really pulled me in. The scintillating landscape and the storytelling were, bar none, some of the best I have seen in movies that involve suspense. Most naturally, the horrific side of things was not aggressively apparent until season 2. By then, the introduction of demogorgons, demodogs, and the Mind Flayer was seen. There is not much left to the imagination. The monsters were incredibly scary — there were tendrils, teeth, and lots of deaths. So, if you are not for blood and gore, I would avoid this entirely. This show, after season 1, really increases the scare factor.

Additionally, the slow development of the plot really added to the suspense. However, after the first few seasons; I would say up until season 3 and maybe half of season 4 was done really well.

Until this final season, big plot holes started to appear. This made season 5 underwhelming. And I think most viewers were affected by “second screen viewing.” “This is Netflix’s attempt to appeal to those who are on their smartphones while watching television series.” Thus, movie studios are now "telling with more exposition rather than showing the progression of the story.”

The description is best put this way: “Some people are doing laundry, homework, or just scrolling on their phone while watching. This is second screen viewing… Because Netflix knows a certain target audience will be ‘second-screening’ these series, the streamer wants the show’s writing to facilitate this practice.”

Personally, the ending was like driving a car at fifty miles per hour through a football field’s length of speed bumps separated by mere inches. It was incredibly bumpy, with too many threads needing exposition to connect and tie down. In the end, it just became too convoluted.

Nevertheless, in brevity to not elongate this, I want to get to the point.

Here are ten things I learned and processed after the last episode, final season.

• Unrestrained, unbridled raw rage hurts and shatters relationships. (Ps. 37:8; Prov. 29:22; Col. 3:8; James 1:19–20; Eph. 4:26)

  • Billy Hargrove (toward everyone in his way, Season 3)

  • Dustin Henderson (toward Steve, Season 5)

  • Eleven / Jane (toward Angela, Season 4)
    

• Redemption arcs are legitimate if you trust the journey. (Eph. 1:8; 1 Pet. 1:18–19)

  • Jim Hopper with Eleven (Season 3)

  • Billy Hargrove (fighting the Mind Flayer, Season 3)

  • Max Mayfield (Season 4)

  • Dr. Martin Brenner, “Papa” (Season 4)
    

• Living with trauma is hard; misunderstood trauma is even harder. (Ps. 56:8; Ps. 107:13–14; Rev. 21:4)

  • Joyce Byers (Season 1; death of Bob Newby, Season 2)

  • Billy Hargrove (Seasons 3–4)

  • Will Byers (Season 1)

  • Nancy Wheeler (Season 1)

  • Jim Hopper (Seasons 1 and 3)

  • Dustin Henderson (death of Eddie, Season 4)

  • All the children in Dr. Brenner’s lab (Seasons 1–4)
    

• Christian tropes were clearly seen.

  • Rom. 12:21; 1 Cor. 15:55–57 — Good triumphs over evil
    (Eleven stopping the Mind Flayer, Season 3; Will stopping the Demogorgons; Vecna and the Mind Flayer defeated, Season 5)

  • 1 Cor. 13:4–7; Rom. 8:37–38 — Love wins, often
    (Dustin and Suzie, “NeverEnding Story,” Season 3; Steve and Dustin, Season 5; Will and Joyce, Season 1)

  • Rom. 5:3–5; James 1:2–3 — Hope in the midst of suffering
    (Max, Seasons 4–5; Holly, Season 5)
    

• Judge a book by its content, not by its cover. (1 Sam. 16:7; John 7:24; 2 Cor. 10:7)

  • Max Mayfield (Seasons 3–5)

  • Karen Wheeler (Seasons 3–5)

  • Bob Newby (Season 2)

  • Suzie Bingham (Season 3)
    

• Say what you mean, and mean what you say. (Matt. 12:34; Luke 6:45)

  • Mike Wheeler to Holly Wheeler (Season 5)

  • Jim Hopper to Eleven (Season 3)

  • Will Byers to Joyce Byers (Season 1)

  • Neil Hargrove to Billy (Season 4)
    

• Honesty and transparency were and are always necessary. (Matt. 7:16; Col. 3:9; Eph. 4:25; 2 Tim. 2:15)

  • Will Byers to the group (Season 5)

  • Robin Buckley and Steve Harrington (Season 3)

  • Jonathan Byers and Nancy Wheeler (Season 5)
    

• Marriage requires and demands hard work. (Eph. 5:21–33; 1 Cor. 7)

  • Karen and Ted Wheeler (Seasons 3 and 5)
    

• Untimely deaths can lead to timely good. (Eccl. 7:1–2; Isa. 57:1–2; Phil. 1:21)

  • Barb Holland (Season 1)

  • Eddie Munson (Season 4)

  • Bob Newby (Season 2)

  • Dr. Martin Brenner (Season 4)
    

• There is meaning and purpose to this life. (Eccl. 12:13; Prov. 16:4; Matt. 5:16; Eph. 2:10)

  • Jim Hopper and Eleven (Season 5 — “the plan”)

  • Max Mayfield in Vecna’s mindscape (Seasons 4–5)

  • Holly Wheeler, Derek Turnbow, and all the children in Vecna’s mindscape (Season 5)

  • Lucas Sinclair and Max Mayfield (Seasons 4–5)

At the end of the day, I hope those who have an invested interest in episodic television shows realize the impact these shows make on culture. The patterns shape the way we think and view the world around us. In a very similar vein, I saw my childhood in many ways. I experienced the bullying, the incessant cussing, and the taboo nature of how same-sex relationships were treated.

I was also surprised, in some ways, at how little impact Christians made in this series. Other than a few images of churches and some mentions of God and Jesus Christ used in vulgarity, there was not much visibility of, or about, the Christian faith. (Perhaps I need to give Jim Hopper some credit. When he answered, while imprisoned in Russia, that he believed he was left on this earth for a reason. To which his comrade Antonov replied, “You almost sound religious, American.”)

I also noticed how nerds and misfits received more screen time, while jocks and others were in a separate tier, for better or for worse.

As a child of the 80s, growing up in a private Christian school, a lot of these tropes were seen and felt — either personally or around me. And in many ways, while watching I grew in empathy toward those who not only picked on me, but also toward those who were picked on.

Stranger Things put the spotlight heavily on those who struggled with emotional trauma, whether at home or among their peers. It also revealed the reality of many kids who were dismissed easily, called names, and insulted. Even though they themselves just wanted a space of belonging, they ended up being ostracized and categorized.

At the end of the day, although evil often seems to prevail throughout much of the series — and despite the trivial struggle of constantly having to prove one’s worth amid the existential tension between the Upside Down and the world right-side up — there remained a deeper reality we must not overlook: the genuine pain and hardship of those who have lived as misfits, searching for hope in what often felt like a profoundly hopeless world.

P.S. I believe…

ESV Bible. (2001). English Standard Version Bible. Crossway Bibles.

Guardian News & Media. (2025, January 17). ‘Not second screen enough’: Is Netflix deliberately dumbing down TV so people can watch while scrolling? The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2025/jan/17/not-second-screen-enough-is-netflix-deliberately-dumbing-down-tv-so-people-can-watch-while-scrolling The Guardian

Ho, K. (2025, December 21). Stop second screen viewing. The Panther Press. https://shpantherpress.com/stop-second-screen-viewing/ The Panther Press

Idiz, D. R. (2025, February 17). Too distracted to watch? Netflix’s ‘second-screen’ shows may be perfect for you. The Conversation. (Summarized from news sources; original article accessed online.) NZ Herald

Tabletalk Magazine. (2017, July). Glorifying God and engaging entertainment. https://tabletalkmagazine.com/article/2017/07/glorifying-god-and-engaging-entertainment/

A forthcoming film starring Elizabeth Olsen titled Eternity reportedly wrestles with the nature of the afterlife. One of its central questions explores whether, in heaven, a person who has been married more than once would choose which spouse to be with for eternity. While framed relationally rather than doctrinally, the question presses into a deeper concern: what eternity ultimately means for human relationships in life after death.

A similar line of inquiry surfaced recently when Kirk Cameron discussed, on a podcast with his son, his ongoing wrestling with the nature of hell—specifically whether Scripture teaches eternal conscious torment or eventual annihilation. Cameron raised the question of whether hell involves unending torment and “gnashing of teeth,” or whether the final fate of the wicked is complete destruction, with death and hell themselves ultimately thrown into the lake of fire. He suggested that annihilationism may align more closely with God’s mercy, arguing that eternal conscious torment can appear incompatible with a merciful and just God. This raises a pressing theological question:

Does infinite punishment for finite humans truly align with divine justice and mercy?

Such a claim demands careful and honest scriptural examination.
**For definitions, see the discussion of annihilationism and the traditional view of eternal torment further down this section.

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A parallel reflection emerged in popular media during an episode of Hot Ones, when actress Kristin Bell was posed an existential question by host Sean Evans: would she prefer an eternity marked by boredom, or a finite life filled with meaning and purpose? Bell chose the latter—a theme she has explored repeatedly in The Good Place, a series that thoughtfully engages questions of eternity, moral formation, and the human longing for purpose.

Bell explained her answer this way:

“Finite [life] with purpose, without question. I recently read Man’s Search for Meaning. Viktor Frankl was all about finding what gives your life meaning, and that purpose can be your driving force. I feel that deeply, especially in parenting. Parenting can be turbulent and can hurt my feelings a lot because I love my kids so much. But I understand it best this way: I don’t have to drive them to the orthodontist—I get to drive them to the orthodontist. Changing that verbage reframes my entire day with gratitude and happiness. I let my driving force return to optimism.”

Taken together, these theological debates and cultural reflections reveal a shared concern: how eternity—whether understood in terms of judgment or glory—coheres with God’s justice, mercy, and the human search for meaning.

They invite deeper reflection on what Scripture teaches and why these questions continue to resonate so powerfully, not only within theology, but also within the broader popular imagination.

INITIAL RESPONSE

I want to begin with Kristin Bell’s answer, but more specifically with Sean Evans’s question. He asked, “Would she prefer an eternity marked by boredom or a finite life filled with purpose?”

This is a good example of a false binary. There are other possible answers.
Here are just a few:

1. An eternity filled with purpose; a finite life marked by boredom.

2. An eternity marked by boredom; a finite life filled with purpose.

3. Both eternity and finite life filled with purpose.

4. Both eternity and finite life marked by boredom.
   **For a definition of boredom, I defined it as a life without meaning and purpose.

However, there are many challenges to address. I want to take this in two parts:

• What does Scripture say about this finite life?

• And what does Scripture say about eternity, both in heaven and in hell?

First, the Scriptures reveal a distinct purpose for mankind in creation. Mankind was perfect, without sin, and there was clarity in its desires and motivation.

“Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.’

So God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’” - Genesis 1:26-28

• Mankind was to have dominion over all the animals.

• Mankind was to be fruitful and multiply through childbirth.

Second, Scripture shows a change after sin entered mankind. The finite life became a search for meaning. Man and woman had to go in search of purpose. The distinct purpose before sin was very different. After sin, Genesis 3:14–19 reveals the consequence of sin.

Pain entered the world through childbirth. There would be enmity between husband and wife. Furthermore, thorns and thistles, suffering and toil, sweat and death were brought into the world through sin. The perfect life became a finite life.

Third, as a result, Scripture mentions over thirty-eight times, specifically in the book of Ecclesiastes, that “all is vanity, a striving after wind.” In some translations, “all is meaningless.” Ecclesiastes 1:14 says,

“I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.”

The Qoheleth, the speaker of the text, presents a paradox: even in the pursuit of achievement, meaning, and purpose, there is no guarantee that the benefactor will have the same rooted purpose and meaning in life.

Therefore, a finite life with purpose is a vain pursuit. There is toil and there is suffering. It would seem that only these two answers would fit:

1. An eternity filled with purpose; a finite life marked by boredom.

2. Both eternity and finite life marked by boredom.

HELL

I believe Kirk Cameron’s podcast with his son tackles this in parts, at least the parts about hell. Here are his definitions.

• Annihilationism (often referred to as conditional immortality) holds that the punishment of the wicked and unbelieving culminates in total destruction rather than endless conscious suffering. According to this view, immortality is conditional upon salvation, and the final judgment results in cessation of existence, not perpetual torment.

• By contrast, the traditional view maintains that Scripture teaches eternal conscious torment, in which the unrighteous experience ongoing, conscious punishment without end. Proponents argue that this position best accounts for the biblical language of eternity, judgment, and divine justice.

Yet Cameron asks a very good question within the first part of his podcast series:

Does infinite punishment for finite humans truly align with divine justice and mercy?

In this question, the deeper conundrum is more about God’s attributes. In his case, Cameron does not take time to delineate differences between other religious views of the afterlife or eternity. He is very specific that this is about heaven and hell in respect to the nature of the Biblical God.

Cameron also does not question whether or not there is justice or mercy. Rather, he asks whether mercy and justice align with God’s attributes, consequently after death. And death is the punishment for sin, both the first death — a physical punishment — and the second death — a spiritual punishment. So then, the natural question that comes from this is,

“What is the purpose of eternal torment in hell?”

“…and the devil who had deceived them was thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur where the beast and the false prophet were, and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever.” — Revelation 20:10

• And does this align with a benevolent, good God?

“Then Death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death, the lake of fire. And if anyone’s name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.” — Revelation 20:14–15

• Or is annihilationism a better understanding of the second death?

HEAVEN

Then this leads to eternity in heaven. What is the purpose of heaven? And, to address Elizabeth Olsen in her movie Eternity, what happens if you die late in life having had more than one spouse? Which spouse, then, would you choose in eternity?

Which begs the question,

“What is the purpose of eternity in heaven?”

Is there more to heaven than just a gold-filled destination, a place of happiness, and pomp and trumpet blasts? There is a component that needs to be addressed in finding the answer, and it has to do with what has been addressed, asked, and asserted. It is the idea of purpose.

“In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.” - John 14:2-3

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” - 1 Peter 1:3-5

In both these passages, we see Jesus as being present in heaven. In the 1 Peter passage, you see Christ as the living hope who is guarding your inheritance—an inheritance that saves your soul, an inheritance that invites you into full, uninhibited relationship with Christ, and an inheritance that is untarnished and undefiled by the consequences and effects of sin. It is a perfect inheritance. It is a perfect relationship with the God of the universe.

Whether you side with eternal torment or annihilationism on the issue of “purpose in hell,” there is quite the opposite.

1. There is no inheritance. If hell is marked by death, then there is no legacy to pass down and no ownership. Everyone who receives this consequence has chosen pain and suffering.

2. There is no life. The two passages I mentioned earlier in Revelation reveal that the second death is filled with sorrow and torment. This is not evidence of life. Whether you hold to eternal torment or annihilation, you cannot enjoy life, because there is nothing and no one who gives it. Simply put, God is not there.

3. There is no purpose. The author of Ecclesiastes is certain about the vain pursuit of earthly glory under the sun. Because of sin, even the greatest achievement and pursuit is “vanity of vanities.” And far worse is hell.

If there is a fighting for purpose and meaning on this earth, and there is clearly none in hell because of either eternal torment or annihilation, then the breakdown must be shifted a little. Eternity must be understood as purpose-filled in heaven and purposeless in hell. And this finite life must be wrought and fought for in order to discover some form of purpose—whether physical or spiritual. But even then, there is vanity, as the author of Ecclesiastes defines.

Therefore, eternity in heaven is purpose-filled because of a relationship of love with the God of the universe, while eternity in hell is purposeless because God is not present. It is wrought with pain, torment, and death. Furthermore, the finite life is filled with vanity—fleeting in purpose, yet not empty of the person of Christ, who can give meaning to a finite life.

So, what about Elizabeth Olsen’s complex question about spouses in heaven?

This question was tackled by Jesus when the Sadducees confronted this very issue.

“‘If a man dies having no children, his brother must marry the widow and raise up offspring for his brother.’ Now there were seven brothers among us. The first married and died, and having no offspring left his wife to his brother. So too the second and third, down to the seventh. After them all, the woman died. In the resurrection, therefore, of the seven, whose wife will she be? For they all had her.’” - Matthew 22:24–28

Jesus answers,

“You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.” (vv. 29–30)

At first glance, Jesus’ answer sounds sad and may even cause a sense of resistance, perhaps even strong disagreement.

The idea is not that a relationship with your spouse, or a spouse, is bad, and therefore there is no marriage. Rather, there is marriage — but a better one. The human version is far more limited than the marriage to come in our resurrected state. Jesus speaks about the marriage between Christ and His bride in Ephesians 5:26–27 and Revelation 19:7–9.

One commentator put it this way:

“The completeness and intimacy that believers will experience in this union with Him will completely supersede and nullify any need for union with another human being.”

A sinful, lustful, and at times sexual desire in marriage does not satisfy — not even on this earth. It is a love that is rooted in constant trying and constant trial.

And I am reminded by a wise mentor that as you age, the physical goes away. With growing earlobes and graying eyebrows, the physical gives way to the spiritual. An elderly woman lying on her deathbed only yearns for the loving hand of her husband in hers. This is not the romantic physical love of sexual affection; this is traded for the abiding love of Spirit-filled presence.

In heaven, this is the marriage of Christ’s presence — an eternal, enduring, perfect love of His marriage with us, an experience we will fully know when we are in eternity.

Whether you hold to eternal torment or annihilationism, wrestle with the doubt of eternal boredom or purpose in this finite life, or perhaps wonder whether there is still covenant marriage with your spouse in heaven, hold to the fact that there is a relationship in heaven filled with purpose.

This [physical] life is not promised, and it does not guarantee purpose for every person — and far worse, in hell, there is none.

However, a life with Jesus in heaven is.

Perhaps, the best answer (my answer) is:

1. Both eternity and finite life filled with purpose.

Scripture reveals with confidence that there is purpose in both. Therefore, pursue with purpose a relationship with Christ—at the helm and in your heart—and one day in eternity in heaven with Him.

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version (2001). Crossway Bibles.

First We Feast. (2025, December 18). Kristen Bell Gets Festive on the Hot Ones Holiday Extravaganza [Video]. YouTube.

Kirk Cameron. (2025, December 3). Are We Wrong About Hell? | The Kirk Cameron Show Ep 86 [Video]. YouTube.

Kirk Cameron. (2025). Did I Change My Mind? | The Kirk Cameron Show Ep 90 [Video]. YouTube.

Eternity Official Trailer [Video]. (2025). YouTube.

Marriage Matters - Part 2

Marriage Matters - Part 3

Marriage Matters - Part 4

Marriage Matters - Part 5

My kids know of my first competitive triathlon. It was 2010, and I competed in an indoor swim sprint triathlon. A little about my personality: I am a hardwired perfectionist. That means if I cannot do something with a reachable objective and goal, I will not attempt it. When this is mixed with my competitive spirit—which I mentioned in the last article—it can become either super dangerous through hyperfocus or super awkward through an easy-to-give-up attitude.

This was the third year of intentionally changing the way I ate, slept, and valued my health. I had reached the lightest weight I had been in quite some time and was attempting this race for the first time while feeling relatively healthy.

There were a couple of hurdles to climb over—or perhaps corners to cut. The first was that I could not swim well. I learned to float and be swim-safe when I was four years old, but attempting an indoor swim in a 50-yard lane pool—and doing it eight times—was outside my skill set and deeply intimidating. For the first time, I genuinely felt like I could drown.

The race came and went. There were many memories—some not-so-fond and some fond.

The not-so-fond memories came from each part of the triathlon. During most of the swim, I was gasping and grasping for air. Anxiety and fear kicked in, leaving me grabbing onto the buoys and asking for help. I managed to pull myself along one section of the buoys and swim to the end of that portion. But I remember vividly how much fear I carried and how much chlorinated water I swallowed.

Second came the adjustment to the bike portion. It was a searing thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit. That is right—it was literally freezing. I remember how difficult it was to get my body to warm up in such a skin-tight tri-suit. I mounted the bike and tried to get into the sun as quickly as possible. But my legs were already burning from the cold layered on top of the cold water from the swim. It felt like a thousand knives carving into my skin from head to toe.

Third, the next not-so-fond memory came during the dismount off the bike. I had noodle legs—also called jelly legs. Since this was my first-ever race, the sensation of weakness and instability from my legs being compressed for the past hour was overwhelming. Running was hard and awkward.

My lungs were burning. My stomach was churning from the chlorinated water sitting in a nearly empty stomach. My skin felt shredded, and I had noodles for legs. I wanted to give up. Surely there was more to life than this misery—running through searing pain.

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Finally, came one of the fondest memories of my life. Just over the hill, I saw three kids running toward me near the finish line. I guess I was not so tired after all. My wife had taken a picture of me holding the youngest while the other two clawed and hugged my legs. Suddenly, I no longer felt the pain, soreness, or fatigue. I wanted to finish the race—not just for me, but for them, for us.

The next two years were filled with a great deal of training, both physical and spiritual. I fondly remember races ranging from triathlons to the hardest half marathon in Texas, the Baylor Half in Waco. I also remember participating in biathlons, swimming challenges, and full-court basketball games.

But there was one thing my family often reminded me of. When it came to sports, art, or the complexity of any challenge, I was a lone ranger. I did not like doing things in groups unless the group was highly competitive. Even then, those groups were usually younger and stronger than I was. That left me as the slower, older one—and often I was left behind.

I frequently found myself caught between two groups: those who were not adamant, serious, or passionate about what they were doing, and those who were overly adamant—almost too serious. Often, I found myself stuck in the lonely middle.

This translated into my not fully recognizing how deep loneliness can be. I felt alone not because my environment or the people around me did not want me present, but because I stayed so hyper-focused and fixated on a certain way of doing things that I removed myself from spaces where core memories were being built—memories that mattered, memories my kids would remember, and memories my wife worked hard to foster.

I graduated and walked with my master’s degree in 2012. I fondly remember my cheering crew—my wife, my kids, and friends—bringing noisemakers as I walked in celebration of a job well done.

Over the next year, I contemplated what to do next:

• Would I take a pastorate?

• Start traveling overseas as a missionary?

• Consider moving back to my wife’s hometown?

A lot transpired during those years.

My job at the seminary carried us not only into being debt-free but also out of survival mode. For the first time, we realized we had savings. It was too difficult to pass up the pursuit of a doctorate. Yet even though I knew my wife and children would faithfully follow my accomplishments, deep down, the root of our relationships continued to struggle.

It was hard to be a present father. Honestly, reaching deeply into the lives of my wife, my daughters, and my son—and intentionally crafting healthy relationships—felt nearly impossible.

I did not know how. I knew how to accomplish goals, learn new habits and skills, and even lead others to do the same. But I still lacked emotional awareness and awareness of others—what was needed to foster healthy relationships where emotions are shared rather than dismissed, logic is connected with deep thinking and processing, and heart-to-heart connection—something like the Vulcan mind-meld from Star Trek—could actually happen.

But, there were tremendous life lessons learned along the way.

Having a doctorate in theology and pastoral ministry is good, but it offered little benefit for marriage or parenting. Transferable biblical principles was caught not taught. And placed in the crucible of the fires of marriage and parenting, I realized that I had not even graduated with a high school–level understanding of how to love my family well.

• What were their likes and dislikes?

• How did they like to spend time together?

• Was it simply reading stories and devotionals, or was it “dad the preacher”?

• Did I truly hear my wife, or did I immediately try to remedy the problem by fixing everything?

The school of hard knocks hit hard. Here are some nuggets of truth gathered from these years.

I remember the first time I tasted star anise, bitter melon in Chinese cuisine, durian fruit, or even Dr Pepper.

Let me explain. If there is anything I carry negative memories of, it is tasting awful things. I remember once reading as a child that there was hair on the tongue. Later, I learned about receptor cells—microvilli—that tell your brain whether something is sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and so on.

As I grew older, I learned that some flavors—bitter, sour, or salty—do not produce the immediate positive response that sweetness does. When I first tasted bitter melon or durian, the flavors and smells were pungent and overwhelming. I developed a love-hate relationship with them.

Over time, I discovered transferable lessons between that bittersweet relationship with food and how I learned to love my family through my personal struggles.

1. First, endure the outrageous, unexplainable smell and unpleasant texture at the beginning. Often, the first taste, the first smell, the first touch causes the food to be spat out. It needs time to marinate. The initial smell and harsh taste eventually disperse, and the deeper flavors emerge—but only if you wait. With durian in particular, it starts pungent and bitter, but slowly becomes sweet. With enough time, once ripened, it develops an attractive flavor. I have even developed a taste for it as a frozen popsicle.

In a similar way, relationships—particularly in marriage and parenting—are often curated on the surface with suffering and hardship. When I wake up, I am often unpleasant. My breath stinks, and my attitude can be worse. My young kids, however, wake up pleasant and ready to take on the day. Thus, a personality clash.

In a way, in every encounter they tasting the proverbial durian when they encounter me, hoping the bitter will turn sweet.

“If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small.” —Proverbs 24:10

2. Second, supplement each bite by mixing it with other foods. Earlier, I mentioned that star anise supplements sauces. It enhances flavor, making it more complex and enjoyable. The same is true of bitter melon—my wife prepares it with meats, mixing bitter with salty. A similar idea appears in Mexican paletas, which combine spicy chili with the sweetness of ripe mango. While the mixture overwhelms the tongue at first, given time, it becomes a tasteful delight.

I see this in my marriage. Salty and spicy moments often mix with bitter and sweet ones. It allows me to say, “Even when you are pouting, sad, or grouchy, you are still as beautiful as the day we met.” Or, “I love your face when you are angry”—though I am keenly aware of how thin the line is between a compliment and patronizing. Still, the point remains: most moments mix bitter, salty, spicy, and sweet.

How you respond in times of conflict matters. One of the most important values I have applied over time is this: never insult, and never resort to name-calling. No matter how rage-filled or upset you are, a person’s identity and personhood in Christ must never be defamed or destroyed. Name the emotion—anger, frustration—but do not become vengeful or hateful.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” —Proverbs 18:21

3. Lastly, although these foods are not particularly hard to grow, they are distinct and require careful cultivation. Durian grows through harsh seasons and develops a thorny exterior. Bitter melon is pungent and ferments as it matures. Star anise, with its eight-pointed, reddish-brown fruit, carries a strong licorice scent.

Relationships—especially within families—are far from ordinary. There is no cookie-cutter approach. Growing up, I imagined relationships as neatly packaged, like they appear in movies: a date, holding hands, a kiss. But then comes the first conflict. The first real fight. Memories flood back of early arguments with my wife and children. Sometimes conflict becomes familiar and predictable; other times, it never fully resolves.

Preparation is key. I learned to call ahead, to check the emotional landscape before walking into the house after a hard day. To understand how my wife is truly feeling, what my kids endured that day, and to sit with difficult conversations before stepping through the door.

“Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house.” —Proverbs 24:27

In the end, this is not a be-all, end-all solution. But approaching relationships with endurance—learning to withstand hardship and understanding how suffering can complement love—allows relationships to grow. Ultimately, knowing what lies ahead and preparing for the long run teaches us, over time, how to engage daily difficulties with greater maturity and grace.

P.S. You might be wondering why I never mentioned my journey with Dr Pepper.

I was nine years old, sitting in a Burger King, when I first tasted the original Dr Pepper. It was the first time I had ever encountered a flavor that felt both fruity and complex, with a subtle spiciness, almost like licorice mixed with vanilla. I could not quite name it. I only remember that I did not like it at all and promptly spit it out.

Years later, in college, a friend offered me a Dr Pepper in good company. This time, it was different. I grew to enjoy it, especially with a hint of cherry and bubbling with some Blue Bell ice cream and the taste became tied not just to the drink itself, but to the friendship.

That is how I’ve come to associate the flavor: with good memories, shared laughter, and a friendship that turned an acquired taste into a treasured relationship.

Marriage Matters - Part 7

Crossway Bibles. (2001). The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Crossway.

Keller, T. (2013). Walking with God through suffering and pain. Dutton.

Marriage Matters - Part 2

Marriage Matters - Part 3

Marriage Matters - Part 4

Sports defined my life. It really did. I still remember as a kid, six and seven years old trying to emulate Greg Maddux, Orel Hershiser, Doc Gooden, Bert Blyleven and some of the greats growing up.

I was standing in the middle, like the Israelites facing the parted Red Sea during the Exodus. I created a makeshift mound and my brother, in my mind, was Gary Carter from the New York Mets and I was the Big Unit, Randy Johnson at the other end of the hallway.

And here I was standing in between the tables and booths of my dad’s restaurant, and I threw a rising fastball with a squishy ball.

And I loudly yelled, “Sssttrikkee!”

By third grade, being eight years old, I have tried out for soccer and baseball. I was not a great baseball player. I typically stood in right field and was told that was no-man’s land in kids baseball leagues.

In essence, how do you tell a kid they’re not very good, by not telling them they’re not very good? Put them in right field.

My best friend’s dad was my soccer coach. He was incredibly uplifting. He was the man I first was confident enough to call coach and mentor. He not only taught me drills, but I learned how to handle, dribble and shoot the ball with his instruction.

From there if my memory serves me correctly, I played every sport imaginable from volleyball, ping pong, tennis, cross country, football, basketball, ultimate frisbee and the list goes on. I didn’t want to just learn how to play, I wanted to have some form of mastery. Not to mention, I was quite good at sports trivia.

Sports gave me a chip on my shoulder. Growing up, I often felt bullied and picked on, so I turned to sports to become bigger, faster, and stronger. As my skill grew and I started getting noticed, my confidence grew as well. But that confidence didn’t always translate into healthy relationships.

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For every opportunity I had to show kindness, I also had a chance to compete—and I almost always chose to compete. Losing felt personal. I hated it. I rarely used sports as a platform to share my faith because I was too scared—and I had a temper.

That chip on my shoulder grew like the wildflowers of Central Texas during a mild and rainy spring. I was the epitome of haste makes mistakes. I cut corners, loved being cheap, and prided myself on being thrifty. I learned to take advantage when I could.

This was a hideous exterior. To some, I could do no wrong. I was seen as one of the spiritual leaders in my youth group. Every year, my best friend and I alternated receiving the “Christian Witness” award at my alma mater. I played the game well—the Christian game. Yet deep down, the spirit of religiosity had taken root. The rule-abiding follower, the one who appeared to have great faith, actually had very little faith at all.

It was all show, but no substance.

Marriage with three kids revealed a very big chip that embedded inches away from my heart. It was killing my Spirit-filled heart, moving its way to damming up the “streams of water” the psalmist aptly talks about in Psalm 1.

My tree was no longer yielding fruit; the leaves were withering, and the trunk was drying up. My independent nature and absentee tendencies were being written, unintentionally, on my children’s hearts. My youngest daughter was born in 2009, just two years into seminary. I had already completed two years of theological training, and yet all my children had received was a more religious father, not a more loving one.

All three of my kids have said at some point, “My dad has a preacher voice.” When I lectured, I sounded more like a “preacher man.” Not that every stern talk came with three points and an application, but my voice boomed in their ears. They tried, in their own way, to tell me I was frighteningly angry, without saying I was angry.

They did their best to warn me about my triggers, but they were not equipped to deal with emotional trauma.

That same year, I went in for a physical health check and, by God’s providence, met a man at the gym who was in the military and preparing to move. His vacated position in the Registrar’s office was opening up, and he referred me for the role. I got the job, which relieved our family’s financial strain and set us on the path to being debt-free.

Yet even with financial stability, I was still indebted to the spirit of rage. Outwardly, it looked like I was planted by streams of water but internally, I was parched and fruitless.

The divorce conversation lingered in my heart for weeks. I wrestled with questions like:

• Why did I say it?

• Was there something in me that no longer wanted to be married?

• Was I infatuated with the status of being married or did I truly want to leave my wife?

• Did I even love her anymore?

That season pruned my heart deeply. We needed help, I needed help.

I used to deny the need for emotional or mental health support. I even scoffed at the idea of counseling. Righteousness and pride filled me to the brim. I believed that being religious, attending church, and being trained in seminary made counseling unnecessary.

I did not desire, nor want to desire, to change the parts of me that needed confronting. I convinced myself, as many peers and mentors did, that “Jesus is enough.”

In those early seminary years, culminating in my Master’s graduation in 2012, I felt as if a great weight had lifted. For the first time, we were financially free, owned a car, served in ministry, and could provide for our family. It felt like a milestone in adulting. Spiritually, I believed I was finally growing in biblical manhood. But I ignored my wife’s consistent plea to seek counseling.

I am a firm believer that just because you see a counselor or therapist does not mean your life will automatically change. However, investing in emotional and mental health, just like investing in physical health, produces something deep, good and virtuous.

Despite all that, what I truly did was just clean up the room by tossing all the toys into the closet. Outwardly, everything looked in order, but it was all a façade.

Yet, I say this with all my heart - strong, healthy families are the foundation for strong churches. Good, healthy theology must be grounded in an understanding of how God designed families to function: husbands love your wives, wives honor your husbands, and children obey your parents—for this is right.

For my first four years in seminary, I gained immense biblical knowledge and theological understanding. I was a Master’s-level student in matters of faith, but only an infant in loving my wife and children.

How can learning Scripture and gaining spiritual knowledge be of any good if it does not help you love your wife better, engage your children’s hearts, and push you toward godliness?

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2001). ESV Study Bible. Crossway.