• Stroll through Paris at any time and you’ll see the terraces filled with people

• Go out for dinner with the French, and nobody skips dessert

• You colleagues will eat MacDo (the nickname for McDonalds) for lunch more regularly than a salad

Compared to this Calvinist Dutch coming along:

• Not wanting to leave work early nor stay out too late and wake up with a hangover (aka no terrace pour moi)

• Going for dinner but politely declining dessert (because sugar tax!)

• Bringing my (sad, very sad) homemade salad box to the office every day

You get the drift. None of it screams Joie de Vivre, because none of it was.

Since, I have (luckily) grown, and realize I missed out. Now, I look back at my time in France with such an awe to the French and love incorporating their lifestyle to my own.

Thereby an ode to the ways the French do it better, plus what it takes to do the same.

1) Eat exactly what you feel like

Talking about the French means talking about food. Good food is part of the country’s DNA and you will not find a French who doesn’t have it in their top priorities. It means no foods are off-limits (good luck on a gluten and dairy free diet) and all food is enjoyed. The French eat what they feel like. And that is precisely the reason they can. As eating what you feel like also means not eating when you don’t really feel it. In practice this looks like: really quitting eating when you are satisfied, not eating “because you have to” (like when you didn’t eat all day), and only eating food that genuinely brings joy.

In all the ways the French live, I think this concept is one of the hardest. With our huge portion sizes and forced nutrition seeking, we are so out of touch with our bodies that it’s hard to recognize the signals. However, once you master this concept, you’ll never need another food rule in your life again.

2) Always have dessert

When writing about the French it only makes sense to have two points about food. Voilà.

I have pretty much never encountered a French who didn’t have dessert. Literally every office lunch and dinner was closed with it. Since, I have become such a fan of this concept, but only if executed in the way the French do it.

1. Dessert sizes are normal (or to be considered small in our disoriented portion size world)

2. Dessert is not always a sugar bomb. Fruit or (sweetened) yoghurt counts as well

This concept works for various reasons. It limits your portion size of the main food, as you have something else to look forward to. Related to that is that it properly closes a meal, so you feel satisfied when it is done. Lastly, it gets rid of that sweet tooth directly. No craving a cookie, then eating 4 “healthy snacks” to eventually take the cookie anyway. Take desert, have a reasonable size, enjoy it, and get it over with.

3) Wear what you’re comfortable in and don’t overthink it

The French are masters of style. Chanel, Hermes, Louis V, Saint Laurent, the list goes on. That being said, I don’t think the French are constantly busy with what they are wearing. Of course there are exceptions, but I am talking the average Josephine going to the office. She’ll look good, but not super polished or refined. The clothes are pulled together and somehow match, but it doesn’t feel like she is following a Pinterest board with the outfit she has on.

It’s the je ne sais quoi that ultimately is the French style. She doesn’t know why she looks great, she just does. The golden rule? Being comfortable with what she has on:

• No too tight jeans

• No heels when not feeling it

• Feminine because she loves it

• Practical because it fits the day

In all cases: comfortable to wear what she feels like, not because somebody told her. That’s the way to go.

4) Consider that you are right BUT discuss it openly

Obviously the French are known for their pride, and often it is seen as a bad thing. I have observed this pride being engrained on a personal level and feel like it is thereby shown nationally. But to be clear: I don’t think this is a bad thing.

I don’t know enough about the French school system to substantially write about it. However, I do know that a large focus is placed on explaining your thoughts. I have noticed this in practice in the way the French are not afraid to share their opinions and be open to defend them. Never done in a demeaning way, but by carefully laying out each arguments. They take up space by feeling like they deserve is, by believing that what they say counts.

Perhaps it is just me, but I often feel like others know so much more than I do. Generally I think this is a good starting point, but it also has its downsides. Not wanting to push your opinions or being afraid to be bored? Acting like the French as a counter is really admiring.

BUT there is a big caveat - and frankly this point only works as a positive with this big caveat- you must be willing to have an open discussion about your opinions.

• Be ready to discuss it, and don’t get offended when others don’t share the same feelings

• Honestly give and take in the discussion

• Don’t make the discussion personal; it can’t get in the way of your relationships. Equally good friends when sharing different opinions.

5) Un moment en famille

Aka family time. My direct encounter with this concept was during the spring and summer. When the days become hotter, all Parisians inevitably flee their small (very small, teeny-tiny, old but cozy) apartments to find fresh air in the city’s parks. During these days, families do the same. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, kids, everyone gathers for a picnic. Each brings blankets, foods and drinks. It is a highly relaxed atmosphere, where the kids can run free and the parents can relax, as all adults share the responsibility by keeping an eye out. Other than other highly scheduled and planned (family) dates, where you most likely leave more stressed than when you came, this afternoon actually fills your cup. It doesn’t all have to be so perfect. Less planning, more doing.

Call your family and friends and repeat: “We all meet at XYZ at this time, everyone brings some food and drinks, and everyone promises to keep an eye out over all the kids. Doesn’t have to be perfect, easy does it”. Ta-da.

6) Kids don’t go to bed at 7pm

Related to the previous point, in case the picnic extends to the dinner, and otherwise a perfect point in itself. Don’t worry so much about your kids’ bedtime.

As written by HERE, there is a lot less stress about kid's bedtime than in Northern European countries, the US and UK. I was perfectly reminded about this aspect when on holiday in France this summer. Kids crowded the restaurants at 21:00. They were eating, playing or or running around (not in an annoying way)*. Nobody was nervous about the wake windows or “over tiredness”. The adults enjoyed their dinners.

There is nothing more stress evoking than worrying about your child’s sleep (I remember my first 6 months, until luckily, I was able to let it go). And one thing is certain: feeling like your baby should be sleeping, takes a whole lot of joy away from the current moment you are in, EVEN when your baby is doing absolutely fine.

Letting go of that stress and enjoying where you are opens room for spontaneity. And thus beautiful moments that don’t happen on the couch in your living room. Why not stay in the park? Why not go for dinner at a friends? Perhaps grab some food outdoors? The French do it that way, and their kids seem to be doing perfectly fine. (another interesting article by HERE that shows we are perhaps a bit too obsessive about our kids’ sleep?).

*funny side note is that when we were out for dinner we didn’t see A SINGLE ipad / iphone on the table either. no judgements, we all do us, but it is very interesting also in relation to this point.. perhaps tbwrittenabout.

7) Giving is getting

I’ve never worked in an office with more generous colleagues than when working in Paris. People brought croissants daily just because they felt like one themselves. It seemed like nobody would bake a cake and not bring some for the co-workers. And all returns from business trips were accompanied by a local treat next to the coffee machine. To be clear: none of these were company expanses and all were on own costs.

This generosity and care for others created a very warm environment. Not only the joy that giving over getting creates, but also because it created opportunities for bonding. People soften by generosity, and it creates generosity in return.

Call to action to all of us. Where can we share more?

• Perhaps bringing a batch of your home-made cookies to your family and friends

• Buying a surprise coffee to go when meeting a friend for a walk

• Inviting for dinner, genuinely cooking with love and care, doggy-bag with leftovers

Generosity doesn’t have to cost much but creates a familiarity that is priceless.

C’est ca. There we have it. The ways the French do it better and the simple ways to incorporate it in your own life. Because frankly, really looking at the list, it is not that hard. Considering each point, it is merely a way of living that is truer to yourself. Whether it is about what you eat, wear, think & speak, it is about what you feel is right without any striving after perfectionism or principles.

👀I would love to hear from your experiences with the French culture and if you have other things that should be added to the list. Or perhaps, following through on point of discussion, you see points you completely disagree with? Comment!

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The thing is having another baby. Where for some the decision for a second one comes slower, with doubts, questions, and determining the “right time”, for me it came directly. I think my son was a mere few weeks old, when I started proclaiming I was ready for the rest of my football team. Since, I’ve turned it down slightly (11 seems excessive to me too now), but nothing is more clear than the wish to hold another of my babies in my arms. Soon.

My son is turning 1.5 this week. To some that might sounds early. But, to me this timing sounds exactly right. Unfortunately it’s not possible to place an order, and it’s the magic of nature that needs to do its job.

This is where it becomes hard. Because, the nature I need is getting my period back. For some a burden, for others a blessing. And as annoying as it is, it is necessary for this dear wish of mine. It’s just that mine doesn’t appear to be anywhere close.

My son is still breastfeeding daily. More than I expected at this age. He is also still nursed to sleep, and “needs” me at least twice per night. Unfortunately, I think this beautiful relationship is the reason that I am still not there. Supposedly breastfeeding is nature’s way to prevent another child too soon. Some women get their period back while still breastfeeding, even while breastfeeding exclusively, but I have understood, it is more likely for the period to stay away while breastfeeding often.

With all of this, I can’t help but wonder (Carrie, at it again): is my fertility ultimately my own ability to let go of breastfeeding?

In practice, it would mean weaning my son. Something I am absolutely not ready for. Not only do I believe breastfeeding provides him with a dose of literal and physical comfort, I also don’t want to give up the precious moments we share together. Gone from first smiles and face-touching to having inside jokes and a mass of giggles.

Besides the emotional part, is the practical part. Because a 1.5-year-old son, makes 1.5 year of broken sleep. To say I am tired is an understatement. At this point, one night of sleeping through won’t cut it. I’d need at least 4 weeks to get close to base again. Anyway, this means that when my son wakes up mumbling in the night, I go for the easy option. I can’t even phantom the idea of standing anything more than 20 minutes to 1 hour (or more?), trying to sooth him by means other than what is going to get us back to sleep fastest.

This leaves me in a conundrum. I am so ready for a second baby, but am not ready to let go of my first one yet.

Sometimes I step out in the wild world of the internet. I will google stories about women who got pregnant while breastfeeding. They never expected it. They were already 20 weeks along. It just happened. It gives me a sparkle of hope, but truly nothing to count for.

Another way has happened too. When the slightest bulge of nausea hits me, I will actively search for the early signs of pregnancy, catching them in my body and holding onto them for a couple of days until, inevitably, the bubble bursts.

It is clear to me that I don’t want to sacrifice the experience with the baby in arms for the baby in the future. That comes with accepting the consequences it brings. Which is humbling to the spoiled beings we have become. I choose to see that as a good thing*. In this day and age, where we can can get anything we want whenever we want it, how amazing is it to have a few remaining natural rules we are forced to obey. Where we have to let nature run its course and accept that what is meant to be will be. The instances where we can’t plan and adjust every aspect of our lives to make it fit the perfect picture in our head are perhaps the most beautiful. In the end, it’s those that make us realize how precious life really is.

*Please don’t mistake this newsletter as one to get pity from. Because, writing all of this, I know I can count my blessings. I have a beautiful son, we have a beautiful journey, he is still so young, and there a people who have actual grief to process. I know, and no ounce of me is complaining. If anything, it makes me feel so much love for those who try or have tried for so much longer than me, and seeing and recognizing their bravery and unspoken pain.

I would love to hear from you if you have gone through the same experience, or have opinions and thoughts to share 🫶

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From my camera roll

Being back at Substack makes me so happy, and my camera roll has equally started to become more crowded again. Good moments of writing featuring chocolate nuts, to funny NYT Cartoons (always a favorite).

Huge shoutout to the toeslippers. I have always said, that at one point in my life I WILL start wearing those toe-shoes. They just seem too incredibly comfortable to me. At this point, I am still a little too vain unfortunately. However, seeing these toeslippers might just be my opportunity to starting tiptoeing (yes I did it) into this urge at home…

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It's 11pm on a Thursday evening. I am writing on my phone, and know this is probably the dumbest thing to do. I am teaching tomorrow morning, and the amount of blue light will send me spiraling until 2am minimum.

BUT but, I am back. After having neglected my Substack for the summer, a small tickle popped up. It started by opening the app, then went to reading my favorite writers, and finally to re-engaging with notes. Although it was nice to let go of the constant pull, it is even nicer to give in again.

Quitting Substack went like most of my decisions: from one day to the next. I was getting annoyed with the amount of 'complaining' articles to which I couldn't relate. Not saying complaining is not allowed, nor that we can't share our feelings, but somehow it felt like there was a "dramafication" of regular situations, in order to draw in readers. Every day moments became life-changing or challenging. I normally enjoy when my partner is gone for an evening or two (girl dinner works perfect with a child) and traveling solo with my son is tiring, but I don't need a 15-point list of ways to manage.

Besides that, I felt the Linkedin effect. The one where people like & comment for likes & comments (remember the like4like?). Sure there is sincere commenting, but I started to doubt it whenever someone would engage with my content.

No other platform has made me feel as insecure as Substack has. Funny, because simultaneously, no other platform has made me feel so connected with women across the globe to whom I could relate so hard. That being said, writing is an absolute love of mine and the amount of people that just write so GOOD is overwhelming. Funny, sassy, serious, a blend of everything you'd want to get on paper.  Most importantly, these writers are consistent. Able to post weekly, with not only great content but also an editiorial style out of the books that makes you click the article without thinking twice.

I want to do the same, yet I have excuses for myself why it's not possible for me. Being stay at home, there is no time to write during the day. Unlike other powerful creatures, I normally crash around 8pm and find the way to my bed by 9.  My time to shine is the morning, but unfortunately so is my son's, and it has become a hopeless endeavour to set my alarm early enough to catch some time for myself. I inevitably end up playing Noah's arc at 6am instead.

So then what is it, pulling me back?

It's literally the, almost childish, joy of creating my own piece of the internet. And actually feeling like it’s possible. Because when I am reading back my notes, I can't help but chuckle, and the discourse on my articles makes me feel proud. If I can’t do it just for myself, why do it at all?

Accepting my typos. Not dramatizing for likes. My take as a mother and Pilates teacher. The beautiful things I encounter and crazy situations I end up in.

Ultimately I think that's why we are all here. Claiming our spots, and celebrating others who do the same. Because it is FUN to read about other women and have the take of others like you about the ultimate gift-guide, travel tips, or things they have been loving and it feels so WHOLE to meet women across the globe, going through similar experiences as you.

At least I think so, and if you’re here, I guess you do too.

Have you felt the same, and what makes you keep going? It would be so nice to hear from you!

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I am writing this with my sleeping baby on top of me. He is moving to one nap a day, and I have noticed that he often needs a “re-settle” after his first stretch and in order to be able to continue to sleep for a longer time. The same today, but this time he doesn’t let me put him down again. Even though I was in the middle of a Pilates class and I have a nice Caesar salad waiting for me, I am choosing to finish this contact nap. The poor guy has been in so much pain from getting his teeth and I prefer him getting a good amount of sleep over myself today. Instead of getting annoyed about this, I try to think about what really matters in the grand scheme of things. When I am 85 years old, this is where I’ll be returning to (not the Pilates class I just missed, coming at you as a Pilates teacher).

Whirlwind of emotions in Paris

Last week I was in Paris for my farewell lunch and dinner. My exquisite (now) ex-employer arranged that my son and partner could join, so I would be able to stay over night (and actually enjoy the dinner).

I had expected the day to be emotional, but had not foreseen the doubt that followed being back in the office and meeting my colleagues. Of course everything was blurred by the veil of time, but not only was I questioning my decision to quit working, my partner and I even felt like we could move back (we did not love LOVE Paris, like many others do, so this was surprising!).

Back home, with a teething baby, I am reminiscing, and the two things I can conclude is that 1) I had a great employer + workplace + job and 2) there is no place I would rather be than soothing my sick baby, without any other obligations, this random Friday afternoon.

Saving Jimmy

Since 2 months my son has a favorite stuffed doll: Jimmy. Gotten from his grandparents, Jimmy has been a success from the first moment. That is, until last week.

Back to Paris: my son was sick during our time there, and this mom was a little bit stressed about the fever + traveling with this fever. Of course Jimmy was there during the though times, but, due to the stress, the poor guy got lost between the pillows and sheets.

I realized the loss when we were at the airport and my son started crying when the suitcase disappeared at the bag drop-off. Sh*t.

The Jimmy doll is still for sale, but somehow it doesn’t feel the same. Perhaps I have just become a real weakling, but I can’t shake the feeling that the poor original Jimmy should be returned. Even if the price of sending the “original” equals 3 “new” Jimmies. Motherhood, and all rationality is out of the window.

What I read this week

Especially after this week, I feel like the questions about ambition and motherhood are so up in my mind. Reading the essay by Elena is really interesting. It is paid, but I can definitely recommend it (and her account in general).

MOTHERHOOD UNTIL YESTERDAY

The Particular Struggle of Being An Ambitious Mother

I am ambitious. There’s no doubt about it…

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3 months ago · 104 likes · 37 comments · Elena Bridgers

With the eating disorder crisis we have been in, I am so appalled by the normalized use of Ozympic. It feels like celebrities are skinnier than ever, and beauty standards are following suit.

Why am I bleeding?

Ozempification of modern society has arrived - and it's very very bad

Like many eating disorder survivors, I’ve been nervously waiting for the post-Ozempic tide of anorexia that will inevitably crush our already besieged mental health services. Now there’s signs it’s getting disturbingly close…

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3 months ago · 781 likes · 117 comments · Eve Simmons

I love this series in general, but this particular piece was very moving. The comparison of a mother going through a lovely postpartum period vs. having a depression is really eye-opening.

Mama’s Boy

The 24-Hour Diaries: Zoloft Saved My Life.

A little about me: Hi, I’m Molly Moran. I’m eight weeks postpartum with my second baby. My two daughters were born 2 years apart, almost to the day. This is 24 hours with me now, versus what 24 hours looked like with my first baby in 2024…

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3 months ago · 24 likes · 10 comments · Leah Hamilton

Very fitting to my feelings this week, the choices we make as mothers, and when those still fit and when they start to feel like they don’t belong to you anymore

Savoring Each Season

Issue #10: The Martyrdom I Once Wore Proudly No Longer Fits

Almost nine years ago, when I delivered my daughter, I stepped into motherhood with the belief that spending more time with her was always better. I actually thought it was best for both of us. I didn’t give much thought to how it felt for me, because from that moment on, I believed it wasn’t…

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a year ago · 39 likes · 25 comments · Amelia Larsen

That’s it!

Writing these little brain dumps are so much fun. I hope you enjoy reading them just as much.

Much love.

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While I am writing this, I am sitting on the beach. It is beautiful weather in Amsterdam and I have the luck of a family beach cottage. My son in sleeping in my arms, my dad is sleeping in his chair. We have a fridge full of delicious food and the holiday feeling is real. As Drake said it best: blessings on blessings on blessings.

Being at home with my parents makes me feel a type of way. There is immense love. Seeing my parents be the grandparents they always wished to be, and care for my son in the way that made my childhood filled with joy and safety, is something that makes my heart explode. At the same time, there is a certain grief as we live miles apart, across borders, and ‘only’ see each other once a month (lucky as we are). How different both our lives could have been had we been closer.

Your girl got engaged!!!

Fair, now almost already 2 weeks ago, but I haven't been able to share it yet. Somehow, when I have good news, I want to keep it to myself, a sacred gift that needs protecting. Anyway, here we go. On a Mother's day weekend, I didn't get the Ninja Icecream Machine I had been longing for. Instead, I got something much better.

With our family, we spend a night in a "trädgård": a Swedish castle hotel. My now fiance had picked the perfect moment, and then to think I was close to ruining it. Before the trip, I had a slight feeling something was up.

Whether it was my boyfriend's hesitation when I asked him if he had gold in his bag, so heavy it was, or just the general setting. Either way, nothing happened initially. We took a nice lunch, beautiful walk, romantic dinner (to the extent it can be with a 1-year old rubbing banana all over the table), yet...nothing. The next morning, we enjoyed our slow breakfast and took another beautiful walk. Again: nothing. Towards the end of the walk I wanted to bring up that I thought he would propose to me that day, but luckily kept myself quiet. Because then, while admiring a nice river, he went down to his knees.

A big big yes to what I know won't change anything to the life we are building together, but is still the most beautiful gesture.

Listening to your body's needs

Last week I finalized my education, and am taking it slow this week. It has been a busy period, with practice and teaching, so my body deserves some rest. That being said, I want to make use of the opportunities given by having my parents close and waking up on the beach. Not forcing myself in any way, but I can imagine that I will get a tickle tomorrow morning to take an early hour for myself and get some practice in.

I stand strongly for listening to your body. This doesn't only count for when to take a rest, but also when to honor the urge for activity. However, often it is easier said than done, and also very different per person. For some people, the urge to take a rest is stronger than to move. Especially, after longer periods of rest, you need to start again before getting into it.

At the same time, the urge to move can come from different places. Sometimes it is a real urge, as I have written about before, starting as a small tickle to want more. Other times it can be driven by discipline and obsession. Asking yourself the question as to why you don't or do feel the urge to do something is the first step. Honoring it will be a continuous process.

What I read

I won’t get over the amount of talented and insightful writers can be found on Substack. Daily I am confronted with new insights or recognition. These articles made me feel some type of way.

“Ambitious” women who’s priorities started changing when becoming a mother was something I didn’t recognize when I didn’t have kids yet. Because, like the quote of the article: “Everyone wants this”. But what if it is not what you want anymore?

Both&

“Don’t be ridiculous, Andrea. Everybody wants this.”

I love to read, and since college I’ve always alternated between fiction and nonfiction — with most of the nonfiction being business books. Books written by very “successful” people who had built mas…

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4 months ago · 29 likes · 17 comments · Kaleana Quibell

That voice we, as women, are all too familiar with. A very revealing and honest piece that made me recognize how I have talked to myself and (re-)opened my eyes to be gentle with our bodies day in and day out.

Kindred Mothering

From Controlling My Body to Belonging to Myself

This essay explores body image and self-criticism. Please take care of yourself as you read if these themes feel tender for you 🤍…

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4 months ago · 10 likes · 5 comments · Angelie Wallace, MA

This was so interesting and juicy to read!!! Isn’t this something we all wished we would have done (at least I would have liked to go back in time). It’s awesome that the writer did, and most importantly the big lesson she pulled out of it.

If you’re like me, and loved the memoire Strangers, and equally devour any other piece written about Belle’s story, this one is for you. Financial decisions are so key, and having a financial advisor observe the actions of the characters is a whole other way to look at the book.

Finance That Feels

The Most Interesting Thing About Strangers Isn’t the Marriage

Finance That Feels explores the psychology and mindset behind our financial decisions—asking why we are the way we are with money—and offers tools to help you align your money with your biggest dreams and deepest values. For more regular updates, follow…

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4 months ago · 161 likes · 36 comments · emilie dayan hill, cfa

That’s it!

A little braindump never hurt nobody! At least not in my world. Would love to hear from you, your experiences, thoughts, and as always, reading tips!

With love.

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Not working out cleared up time and mind space. Not only did I gain hours, otherwise spent on a workout routine, I could also let go of the “administration” and scheduling when to work out and which workout to do.

This new way of living felt completely right, and I started to wonder if I would ever work out again. Frankly, why would I?

It opened my eyes to the space exercising had taken in my life. But not only that. I also lacked any significant downsides, and faced the truth that I was not missing any return of investment I was promised to gain by exercising*.

* I think there is a big caveat to this: 1) I was still very active with daily walks, never failing to take stairs, and having a general sense of activity throughout the days. 2) I was pregnant, and thereby my body was changing in the most beautiful way, countering any loss of muscle/gaining of weight, I otherwise could have been bothered by.

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That was until 6 months into my pregnancy, when the itch popped up again. It was like an old friend inviting me. The walks didn’t leave me satisfied and I longed for more. I wanted to move my body. Cautious of wanting to maintain the calmness I was experiencing, I tipped a small toe into a 20-minute slow movement session. This 20-minutes per week became 20-minutes per day.

This time, the return on investment was clear: my body was less tight, I focussed on my breathing, and enjoyed the concentration on myself and my body.

Not only did I feel very well in the last months of my pregnancy, I also believe this form of exercises made my birth smooth (almost too smooth - read HERE), and helped with a speedy recovery after birth.

I know many women have different experiences, but I prepared a lot for my postpartum period. Besides making sure I had everything I would need in terms of comforting food and clothes, I was also very careful to not burn unnecessary energy and resisted movement. As much as possible, I tried to stay in bed 10 days, and when forced up, I moved with extreme care. After 10 days, I started with a 10 minute walk, which gradually increased every day. The wiggle when standing up of the couch (IYKYK) disappeared and my body was healing. Then, after 2 months, the friendly itch popped up again. This time I told it to keep patient. I wanted to stay free of exercise for the first 3 months after birth and stayed disciplined. Modern society disregards women’s bodies in general, and specifically by not acknowledging the physical and emotional impact of birth. I wanted to stay respectful of mine.

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When the 3-month postpartum mark passed, I went ahead, but with big changes to the way I exercised. Prior to my pregnancy, I used to combine different forms of exercise. Although I loved Pilates, I was always afraid it would not be enough. Thereby I combined different types of training, including running and weights. Yet, I never built real strength nor was ever “happy” with my body.

Perhaps the hormones, perhaps the experience during my pregnancy, I’m not sure what made me decide to go as I did. But after pregnancy, I decided the only routine I would follow was classical Pilates. Besides that, I took the liberty to completely listen to my body in terms of giving it rest when needed. Especially in the first months of working out again, this was more often than I’d imagined.

What happened was amazing. The routine engaging my mind and my muscles delivered. One year after giving birth, I am the strongest and most confident I have ever been.

This feeling is what inspires me to continue to learn, and share my knowledge with other mothers and women. Perhaps the workouts that make us feel better are also the ones that are possible to do. Perhaps we don’t need to always push ourselves to achieve results, and is less really more.

I think this is especially important for mothers to realize, because the “burden” of working out on top of everything else is just completely unfair. At the same time, I do believe that strengthening your body is extremely important. Not only in this time in our lives, carrying and caring, also in ever day we grow older.

My vision is to make this possible, in a way that is accessible to all. No intimidating studios or strict routines. Rather workouts that are achievable, and able to do in a park or at home. The first step is taken, the next steps are to come 👀👀👀.

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The dogmatic: “You are sacrificing yourself”

This dogmatic saying is one I have used too. When still under the spell of “corporate success” I could simply not fathom the fact that someone could dream of being anything less than CEO, especially if they were having corporate success. How different I feel now. Although I understand and respect that some parents feel different, time away from the most precious growth period of my son feels more like a sacrifice than giving up my career ever could.

Besides that, is the question of money. Not being in the standard workforce means not earning in the same way. It almost always means being dependent on someone else, and that is scary. At the same time, taking it fully rationally: would it not be my partner sacrificing himself for the fact that I am giving up my job, as he continues going to the office while I am “off”?

What I am trying to show is that the worry of “sacrifice” is multi-edged. It always corresponds with someone going against societal norms, but what holds value remains different per person. Someone can value career over time with children, joy over money, and financial independence can be achieved in different ways. As with everything, only you can decide what is worth most and what sacrifice means.

The one of trusts: “You are so smart; if you think this is the right the decision, it must be“

If I was not blessed with the most amazing manager, I don’t know. This was literally his reaction to me explaining that I no longer felt like it was the right choice for me to continue working.

This answers was one of trust and responsibility. On the one hand the trust, that only you know what is best for you. On the other hand, the responsibility of not being able to blame anyone else for following your own decision.

The boundaries of these two, is where growth happens. This is the main lesson I will take away from working with my manager. People placing faith in you, is a great stimulator to take the step forward. When that step becomes succesful, having full responsibility over it, creates confidence to continue doing so.

In the past, it benefitted me by growing personally and see my team grow. In the future, I hope to apply it to my son and let him spread his wings with trust and confidence.

The closed-ended: “Think about your mortgage“

I don’t even want to spend much time on this one, because no sh*t sherlock. As if taking a decision like this would be done lightly and, “whoopsie daisy”, we would forget to think about something small like our mortgage.

All jokes aside, an “advice” like this is an uninterested one, without real regard to what someone is going through. It is an example of a closed answer, and applies to many situations.

It doesn’t mean that someone can not be opposed to an idea or share their worries. It is the best when people do. But it should be done with a genuine interest into the matter at hand, to be really worth something.

In this case, asking how we would do it with the mortgage, would have made a world of difference, and allowed for useful discussion and tips how to handle the economy when half of the income dissappears.

The one who feels the same: “You are an inspiration“

It was a woman and a play-location for kids who told me this. She was approaching one year parental leave, meaning her husband would soon take over. It is beautiful that the standard in Sweden is to share the long parental leave between both parents. At the same time it ‘forces’ some moms back to work earlier (or at all), because the father does not want to give up his parental leave.

This was the case at hand, and the mother opposite me had hard time with it. Speaking, her voice loaded with emotion and she was holding back tears. It reminded me of myself, bursting into tears when discussing with my partner what he would do when he would be off. Not being there for baby swim broke my heart.

Since being open with my decision of wanting to be with my son full time, I have met many women who feel the same. It really opened my eyes to what is expected of mothers in today’s Western society, and that going back to work is not only a matter of policy and childcare, but also one of feelings. Even if everything is arranged for a mother to go back to work, she might not want to. And that should be equally respected.

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It has been so interesting to be open in my decision taking (first timer for this clam shell), and receiving different reactions. Some reactions fare better than others. That has nothing to do with the content of the reaction. It is all about the intention. As long as there is a genuine interest, doubtful or not, it works.

These reactions show the complexity of decisions and multitude of feelings.

In my opinion the only no-go, besides clear offensive reactions obviously, are the one-dimensional, closed-ended, parroted lines. It’s really that simple.

By Sanne DK

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By Sanne DK

As I have written about before, Sweden is a great (great great great) country for having kids. Parents get 480 days of (paid!!!) parental leave, of which 60 days can be shared. My partner and I used these “dubbeldagar” to take not one, but two big trips.

The first trip was a roadtrip to the US east-coast. We started in NYC, then drove via Providence and Mystic to Boston. We were excited to be in NYC, but after 4 days were very happy to leave. Out of all the places (big surprise), NYC was the least kid-friendly. Boston, on the other hand, turned out to be a great city for kids with a library so beautiful and fun, it made me want to move there.

The second trip was to Italy, this time traveling by train. Starting in Rome, we went via Parma to Milan. Italy was a great country to visit with our son. Not only were all restaurants and sites well equipped for children, i.e. availability of a high chairs and changing tables, Italians were also extremely sweet with our son. It was like being surrounded by grandparents, of all ages, wherever you went.

Doing these trips did teach us a lot about traveling with our half-baby-half toddler. Although I fully realize every child is different, and what works for us might not work for anyone else, the lessons we learned might still be interesting for anyone planning a trip with their little one.

The lessons

1. Don’t forget diapers - yes we really did. We had to laugh so hard because it was the first thing we realized we forgot on our second trip after raving about making a list of lessons of our first trip. Anyway - checklist #1: do you have diapers?

2. No need for all the baby towels - I packed so many musclin towels and bibs but in the end hardly used them. Most restaurants have large (cloth) napkins, which can be perfectly used around the neck and to clean up. For bath time, the hotel (/Airbnb) towels were perfectly fine too.

3. You don’t need changing tables to change your baby - this is something I already fully embrace at home, but even more so on holiday. Changing a diaper can be done in a stroller or on a bench. Not every country is as accessible with changing tables (Italy wins big time over the US) and being flexible with it can take away some stress.

   

4. Your baby can get sick or hurt, be prepared - we felt like total teenagers when our baby got sick during the holidays, because getting sick or hurt is nothing we ever thought about priory when traveling. Unfortunately we got a double whammy: not only caught our son the winter stomach flu (it got to the point we were worried for dehydration), he also got hurt as we fell with the carrying bag (luckily he only got a scratch, but it still gives me nightmares to think about what could have happened). In any case, two important lessons that we are now the adults in the room and should be the ones prepared for any situation. These are the specific lessons we learned:

   1. Making sure we have our insurance figured out (especially when going outside of the EU)

      

   2. Bringing a first-aid kit, including at least:

      1. imodium

      2. ORS

      3. Wound cleanser

      4. Baby-painkiller

   3. Laundry counts double when you’re not at home, so if your baby is very sick and throws up multiple times, don’t change the clothes every time. Instead, you can hold them in a towel until they are close to sleeping and then change. We didn’t do this and went through all bodies in one evening, making my son become a walking GAP commercial for the rest of the holidays.

5. If doing multiple stops, book something with a laundry machine mid-way - writing this makes me wonder if parenthood is just about doing laundry? Anyway, a kid needs so many clothes and I would have loved a chance to do laundry midway our trip instead of bringing his entire closet with.

6. Be strategic with food - this obviously depends on the “rules” you have set for your child in terms of food. Ours is that whatever is on the table is allowed to be eaten. That being said, I do prefer when my son eats his protein and iron rich food prior to any bread, and would rather that he doesn’t eat any / too much sugar. In order to achieve this, we figured out some tricks:

   • We always asked to wait with the bread until after our son had finished the nutritious part of his meal. Then he could go loose on all the bread on the table.

   • Having a banana or fruit pouch with, so in case we took ice cream, we could fill an extra cup with fruit puree. This way, it seemed like we all enjoyed “the same” food and little did my son know his “ice cream” was a lot healthier than mom’s and dad’s.

7. Holiday can still mean kid-friendly activities

   1. Utilize the local activities - almost all libraries offer kid’s programming, and there are a lot of (kids) museums, kids cafes, zoos, or bookstores with playing opportunities.

   

   1. Hit the playgrounds - another fun activity for kids are playgrounds. Of course the weather needs to play ball here, but starting the day with a playground was a great way for our son to get in his playing and to interact with other kids. Besides the fun for your child, is the fun for you interacting with parents in another culture and learning about the differences and similarities.

   

   1. Restaurants with booths - having a restaurant with a booth allowed our son to stretch his leg during longer lunches and dinners, and gave mom and dad some free time.

8. Paper straws over sippy-cups - we brought our son’s sippy-cup with, to only realize we don’t have a dishwasher to clean it in (duh). Once it was dirtied, we bought paper straws and this turned out to be super convenient. Our son thought it was very cool to drink out of a real cup or bottle, and there were no dishes afterwards.

How we managed the basics

Not lessons per se, but perhaps interesting and inspiring to read. Our philosophy is to keep everything as simple as possible. This is how we covered the basics:

• Sleeping - this is of course very personal, but as we co-sleep with our son, we didn’t bother bringing a camping bed and just let him sleep in our bed from the first sleep in the evening. Luckily he is a heavy sleeper, and once he was asleep my partner and I could read and watch TV. My son’s naps were a combination of in the hotel room and on the go. We tried to be diligent about this combination, to make sure not all naps were on the go. During the hotel naps, my partner and I were able to take a slow morning or afternoon, which was actually a very nice break during a busy city trip.

• Food - we kept breakfast in the hotel room, as a consistent routine. Other than that, all meals were in restaurants. Food became a combination of eating what mom was having, small cups of (greek) yoghurt, hummus, fruit pouches and bread. It was a little bit camping-style, but allowed our son to get nutritious food regardless of where we were eating. Prior to my son actually eating I was more concerned with the nutritions. However, now that he eats more and more, I am mainly enjoying letting him taste different types of foods. This exploration of foods is extra fun when abroad! His favorite is Cacio e Pepe pasta, which I can very much approve of. I do want to note that I am still breastfeeding, which obviously releases some pressure on the food intake. However, in both the US and Italy, regular supermarkets had a large range of ecological baby food, that could be a good option to take with to restaurants too.

• Bathing - not all of our hotels had bath tubs, and we mainly relied on showering. Although my son loves bathing, showering became a fun activity too and was an easy solution for all of us.

• Sightseeing - we didn’t lower the amount of sightseeing now that it was not the two of us anymore, but were more thoughtful about when we planned it. We mainly aimed to do it after the (first) nap, meaning our son normally would have had breakfast in the hotel room and played. Then we would use the front-leaning carrying bag for the sightseeing, so that it was more engaging and fun for our son. Afterwards we would hit a restaurant or coffee bar (ideally with a booth, as said) where he could stretch his legs. Though he can’t talk, it seemed like my son actually enjoyed the sightseeing as much as we did!

• Flying - as I am living abroad, we have flown many times with our son in order to visit my family, and luckily it is something he really enjoys. Generally, I have noticed that during travel it is mainly the parents who are stressed, rather than the kids. My lessons would be to lean in: a travel day is off-schedule, full of bacteria, without super nutritious food, and inevitably with inconvenient diaper changes. It is also only one day! Relax, go with the flow, bring toys (or be creative), and stay positive. Your energy transpires.

  

• Jet-lag - our trip to the US included a time difference of 6 hours. Traveling to the US was no problem at all. We woke our son from his afternoon nap, so he didn’t think it was his “night-sleep”. Obviously he woke up a little scruffy, but we managed to keep him awake until well past 19:00. At that point, he was so tired that he slept through the night. The jetlag on the way back gave me a little bit more nerves. Luckily, our return flight was overnight, and my strategy was to “pretend” it was night the moment we got onto the plane. It worked! My son and I both slept for a good amount of hours on the plane, and when we arrived at 07:00am we kept going like it was a normal day with 2 naps. Again, he was so tired in the evening that he fell directly into the rhythm. Kids are so adjustable.

• Tantrums - I would lie to pretend it was all sunshine & roses. We too, experienced moments of over-tiredness and meltdowns because pepper&salt trays were not allowed to be played with. What can I say? Those moments were hard. Sometimes I felt like I was asking too much from my son and wondering why we were doing what we were doing. But then came the good moments again; the broad smiles of us all being together, wide eyes looking at sightseeing sites, and playing with new “friends” in restaurants. In that way holiday is like every other day in motherhood, where bad moments come but the good moments make us forget those moments very quickly again.

• Pilates - my newsletter wouldn’t be called “Mom does Pilates”, if I didn’t include some international exercise. What I love about Pilates is that it can be done anywhere and anytime. During the trips, this meant using every opportunity where I was up early or when our son took a nap in the hotel. Even though I forgot my mat on our first trip, I still managed to do Pilates, using hotel towels on the floor. Its adaptability is one of the reasons I love this workout and why I won’t stop recommending it, especially to mothers.

Conclusion

Take that trip!!!! I feel like traveling with kids is made so complicated, but honestly really isn’t. Of course there is more planning involved, and there is more responsibility on your shoulders. But other than that? Choosing easy solutions and including some activities for your child will make a world of difference. There might be bad days, but so are there at home. Overall, there is really nothing more special than sharing new experiences as a family together.

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No. I am coming to you more as your friend, a regular mother and woman, trying to find her way through the woods of advice, to feel in optima forma today and tomorrow.

Along the way, I have picked up certain rituals and habits, that just hit the spot and actually make a difference. At the same time, I have those which I somehow still do, but frankly don’t notice much difference from other than in my wallet.

It will be interesting to go through this list, and also to hear your experiences. Perhaps they are the same, perhaps different. Let’s go!!

The rituals I do, but which don’t actually make me feel any different

(and I should probably drop? TBD)

1. Veggies first thing before eating anything else

Here comes the Glucose Goddess. I loved the reels she created, showing a comparison in glucose levels after eating similar things. For example: plain wheat pasta vs. chickpea pasta, or gelato vs. sorbet. However, the ones she is mostly known for are the ones comparing the glucose spike after eating X food vs. eating veggies and thén eating X food. The moral of her story is to eat veggies first, in order to reduce the glucose spike. I have been doing this for all my meals where veggies are involved, and it makes me feel good mentally. It’s like I am giving myself a little pat on my shoulder for taking care of my health. But physically, I don’t really notice any difference in how I feel after the meal (no less of a sugar crash or food coma).

The same goes for her tip of having a savory breakfast and absolutely no oatmeal and fruit in the morning, in order to reduce cravings. Well, I have found that eating what I actually feel like reduces cravings the most.. But who am I?

2. Drinking a tablespoon of vinegar a day

I don’t know where I picked this up, but I read that drinking a tablespoon of vinegar a day is good for your metabolism. Especially when you take it approximately 30 minutes before any carb-heavy dinner. I have been doing this for a while, also because I like the taste of this drink (a little Kombucha-y). Besides the pleasurable taste, I can’t list one benefit I have actually encountered. I will probably continue with this, but more as an alternative drink than anything else. (I don’t know if it is me being weird with vinegar drinks, but I also love vinegar with hot water + honey + sea salt. This is supposed to be an energetic Aryuvedic drink, but mainly just very good in my opinion).

3. Supplementing creatine

So yeah, creatine is all the hype. As it was one of those supplements every other influencer started taking, I was wary of it. However, when one of my close friends started taking it and reported feeling a lot better, especially in terms of improved clarity and concentration, I started to get intrigued. Because improved clarity and concentration, are some things my mother brain can definitely benefit from. So, I decided to give it a try. Truth be told, I have only been taking creatine for 2 weeks, but for now, I really don’t notice any difference. As one does, I researched the best creatine-form and brand and bought a big pot. It would be a waste not to finish this, but if there continues to be no sign of improvement in my cognitive function, I might just drop it. Let’s see. (Side note - my partner started taking creatine at the same time as me, and also doesn’t notice any difference. We know 〰“it is the supplement most researched blahblah”〰, but our theory is that the hype is coming from people who started working out more + taking creatine, and thereby enjoy all the benefits of working out but link it to creatine instead).

4. Omega 3 fish oil

Ugh, turns out I am such a sucker for supplements! Or just every marketeer’s dream. Anyway, Omega 3 fish oil, is another one that I got hooked one without any clear benefits. I started taking this during pregnancy, as advised for your child’s brain development. Now, I do think I have a very smart child, but I don’t know what part is my mother’s rose-colored glasses vs. the Omega 3 fish oil I diligently consumed during pregnancy. After birth I continued taking the fish oil. Especially as I am sleep deprived and still breastfeeding, I need all the support I can get. However, I can’t really pinpoint if there is a difference. Let’s see if I dare to drop this, notwithstanding all the recommendations telling me otherwise, and actually make a comparison. Will report back.

5. Electrolytes

I am starting to see a pattern… Perhaps I was only drinking electrolytes for the tasty flavor, because after buying the unflavored sticks, I have a lot harder time to actually keep up with this habit. Even so, I don’t really notice any difference whether I take electrolytes or not. I do take electrolytes consistently when I fly, because I think that just makes sense in terms of the amount of water required to counter the low humidity and cabin pressure. Other than that, I am having an increasingly hard time making the case for someone who doesn’t do any intense workout and who’s last time sweating was during the postpartum hot flashes (really- we should prepare all new moms for this), to be requiring these expensive supplements. .

The rituals I love and which actually make me feel better

Time for the good stuff!

1. 20 minutes of legs up

This one is my favorite. I got it via writer and radiohost Tinx, and after trying it once, have been hooked. The concept is easy: put your legs up for 20 minutes, to reduce stress levels and improve blood flow. This one has been especially great after becoming a mother, as you are just on your legs so much during the day. It gives those legs a proper break and just feels great. I didn’t do it during pregnancy, as there are some different opinions about whether this is beneficial or not, and I did not want to take any risks, but am now fully back at it again! It is something I start craving in the evening, and normally just do when I am reading before bed. Yes, the first few times my partner could do nothing but laugh and roll his eyes, but once you get over that part the pros outweigh anything that is weird about it.

2. Quit drinking coffee

A big one!!! While I was pregnant, I didn’t want to drink caffeine. While 2 cups per day are generally considered safe, there is also no real consensus about what caffeine does to the uterus and fetus. Anyway, I didn’t want to risk it and swapped coffee to tea (it was one very tough week, and then I turned to being human again). When my baby was born, I liked being without caffeine, but I fell back to my addiction after caving and buying an iced matcha on a hot day. Having lattes all the time is not my thing, and I swapped back from matcha to my beloved filter coffee (in Swedish: Bryggkaffe). But lo and behold, after doing so I started to have a very weird stressed feeling in my body whenever I had drunk coffee, as well as nightly wake-ups in ADDITION to my baby waking me up. With him still waking up around 4 times per night, that added up to very little sleep.

Trust me, I hate being this person, because I love coffee (my gelato order is coffee and chocolate), but having been without coffee I could really compare what the rapid caffeine dose did to my body. It literally made me feel stressed and hyped up all the time. So much so, that I am wondering if the sense of calmness I started to feel when I was pregnant (see full story here), didn’t actually come from me becoming a zen mother, but actually came from me dropping caffeine. So now, as much as I love coffee, I don’t drink it anymore other than on very special occasions. The ones you love can hurt the most.

3. Oil pulling

Perhaps known to some but not to others, oil pulling is the concept of using a base oil (often coconut) and rinsing your mouth with it first thing in the morning. Normally it is recommended to do it for 20 minutes, but as a mother I tend to be happy with 5-10 minutes. The oil pulls bacteria from your mouth, so after having it in your mouth, you don’t swallow the oil, but spit it out and rinse your mouth with water. Mouth hygiene is deeply underrated from a health perspective, and I really believe oil pulling is not only a good ritual for your own hygiene, but that it is also important for your overall wellbeing. It’s almost that I can’t get out of the house without doing this, comparable for people who use tooth picks, and tend to buy coconut oil when on a trip. Besides, brushing your teeth after oil pulling is just *minty perfection*.

4. Walking

Long before the 10K-steps-a-day hype, I have been walking a lot. As the only Dutch person who doesn’t like biking, and generally not a big fan of public transport, walking has been my way of transportation for as long as I can remember. If I have days that don’t “require” me to walk, I will make sure to plan something in. This didn’t change when I was pregnant and after having a baby. Even a couple of hours before my son was born, I felt the need to walk and circled the parking lot of our apartment (see the full story here). Walking is a superpower. It clears your head, gets your blood flowing, and is also a great way to get some fresh air. Though I never track the amount of steps I take, walking a sufficient amount (you will feel per day what that is) makes me feel so much better in my body! It is one of my most sacred rituals, and one I am sure I won’t drop.

5. Luxury hair products

Finally something where I spent money on that actually makes me feel better!! Even if it is for something that could be considered vain, I think it is one many (postpartum) women can relate to.

Two years ago, prior to pregnancy, I went through a period of extreme hair loss. I think most women can recognize hair loss as a major source of insecurity. So it was for me. Having tried many solutions, supplements, diet changes, etc., I started researching hair serums. This is how I came to Sisley hair products, especially the Revitalizing serum for hair loss, and decided to give it a try. Although not very convinced initially, I found that the product actually delivered big time. Baby hairs started to grow rapidly. I’ve been using the serum again after my postpartum hair loss (I didn’t use it during pregnancy and waited while breastfeeding, considering its main component of sage). Besides the serum, I also use the hair oil, and don’t dare to go without the two anymore. I use the serum twice per week (after a one-month intense treatment) and the hair oil daily. Although the stuff is really expensive, it does hold well: I have been using the same bottle of hair oil since April 2024 (!!) and have used the serum since that time too with a 12month break in between. There is an expiration date on beauty products too, but I normally just continue to try them and see if they still smell/feel good and deliver. If so, I wisely ignore anyone telling me not to use it anymore.

As someone who has many rituals, this was so much fun to write!

I have a lot of rituals and habits. I strongly related to Wolfs’ comparison of the beauty industry to religion in her The Beauty Myth, but also to Norton’s The Ritual Effect, in which he makes a positive case for rituals in terms of creating a better lifestyle. As usual, everything is double-sided.

It was great to double click on which of my rituals and habits actually make sense. Clearly, 80% of what makes me feel better doesn’t cost anything. On the other hand, all rituals that don’t have a clear impact are bought supplements without any proof of their function (for me). Food for thought, food for thought.

For now, I will continue with my sacred rituals and probably quit those that don’t really do anything. They can join the list of other rituals I have tried and dropped (now that’s a long post to get to!).

Wondering if you feel the same or have any game-changer to share?

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Mother-daughter relationships can be complicated. More than complicated. Tangled balls of love, grievance, humor, annoyance, comfort; an ongoing list of feelings that capture the relationship with the one who is supposed to know you best, as a woman, as a mother.

There can be detrimental effects of a mother’s behavior onto her daughter. Your mother is the first one you look up to. How she moves through life, talks to others, but mostly to herself, often becomes your own voice, consciously or not.

The older I get, the more I am in awe of my own mother. Sure, there are parts where we are different: aspects where she would have liked me to chose a different path, or where I would have liked more understanding. However, overall she is a source of inspiration I am so blessed to have grown up with.

Recently one of her lessons went viral on Substack. Not only did that make me feel like a celebrity for my moment of fame, it also made me think. Because that lesson was not even close to the other lessons she gifted me with.

Thereby in a tribute to my mother, 5 lessons I learned from her and hope to pass on myself too.

1. Worrying is just negative daydreaming

A major one, for someone who is prone to be in her head and worry about everything that could go wrong. After another spiral, my mom told me this, and from that moment it clicked. Because, as worrying is just imagining future scenarios that could potentially happen, how is it different from daydreaming? For example, in the way that dreaming of a Ferrari seems unrealistic (for most of us at least), so should worrying about your car breaking down be. Whenever I notice myself going down the negative path, I am able to use this lesson to snap out of it.

2. Don’t own a scale

Another major one, especially for women born before the 2000s. Without knowing it, I now realize I have been so blessed with a mother who never dieted, let alone owned a scale. The principle is simple and twofold:

1. The number on the scale literally doesn’t matter, it can change every day based on water retention, stool, period, and whatnot.

2. Regardless of how great you feel in your body, you will fixate on the number on the scale and wish it was lower. Why purposefully bring that negativity into your day?

Instead notice how you feel in your clothes and your body, and base your actions on that.

3. Don’t have too strict principles

My mom doesn’t drink and doesn’t eat meat. At the same time, she will have the occasional glass of bubbles or eat a steak. Why? Because she feels like it or her body tells her she needs it. Life is not only short, it is also not 100% black and white. Of course this might apply differently for people struggling with addiction, but you can choose to limit certain actions because of how it makes you feel or based on moral grounds, but nothing will happen if you very occasionally dip back in.

4. No limits on candy

My brother and I grew up in the kids’ dream household where there was no limit on candy. In fact, the candy jar was positioned at a level for us to grab from it independently whenever we pleased, and we were allowed to do so too. The twist is: we almost never did. To this day, we are not the biggest snackers and won’t squeeze a bar into our mouth just because we get the opportunity. Making candy a non-issue, took away the magic. It is not only a literal lesson I will try to follow with my own son, it is also a more symbolic lesson that no foods are off limits. If you can indulge in whatever you want, whenever you want, chances are, you won’t be bothered with constant cravings and feelings of guilt when you enjoy any treat.

5. Your body changes, you better accept it and chose to wear what makes you feel beautiful in every phase of your life

The stories about people, mainly women, who would wait to buy clothes until they were a smaller size or keep “those jeans” in the closet, never resonated with me. The older I get, the more I realize this is because of my mother. Especially as we are now at an age where we can talk about it woman-to-woman, we have been able to put words to our bodies changing, even though our routines and diets stay the same. Conclusion: it is called being a woman with an insane amount of hormonal changes throughout our lifetime.

Instead of feeling down about this and starting strict regimes to maintain a certain size, my mom has a different approach. She donates (often to her very eager daughter) or sells the clothes that don’t fit well anymore. Following that, she will buy outfits that fit her new body and make her feel good again. It puts a stop to any “mourning” of your previous body (ugh - that feeling of trying to squeeze yourself into something that doesn’t fit anymore) and gives a confidence boost by making you feel pretty in your new outfit. All of this makes it so much easier to accept any new phase our bodies go through, beautiful in their own ways.

There we have it. The lessons I was blessed to have, from the mother I am blessed to have.

To end this article a picture of my beautiful mother with me, when she was the same age I am now, and I am the same age my son is now.

Oh yeah - she has great style too.

Substack is so much more than a newsletter platform- It is a network of beautiful and smart individuals, sharing our experiences.

My experiences come from being a woman and a mother, who writes about changing her corporate life to staying home with her son, while studying foundational Pilates.

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What are your experiences? Lessons you would love to share? Something that resonated with you?

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Surely, my own age, forehead wrinkles, crow’s feet and changing mom-bod, have something to do with it. I am changing. My body is changing. And with this change, the effort to keep up with beauty standards is becoming larger and larger.

But why should I feel bad about it? Isn’t getting older the whole point? It feels like we have collectively decided, we shouldn’t grow up. And frankly, I am done with this delusion.

The reality

“Bye!! I am out meeting the girls”, I shout before giving my partner a kiss and leaving through the front door. Mind you, “the girls” in question are my group of friends, all well-established mothers over the age of 30. Weird.

According to the Webster Dictionary, this way of addressing my friends is factually not incorrect. “Girl” can be used as an informal way to address a woman or a friend. Yet, when looking this up, I also discovered that “girl” is a dated way of addressing a “female servant or enslaved woman” and a “female domesticated animal”. Somehow I think this is relevant for this discussion.

The use of the word “girl” to address our friends might not be problematic, but how about addressing a co-worker or a caissière of your own age? Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable using the word “woman”? So often, I have introduced someone as “a girl, well a woman, I think she is XX age”. Somehow it just feels awkward to use the word “woman” to describe someone of my own age. Perhaps because that would mean that I, a 32-year-old mother, would be a woman too?

Beauty in growing older

While writing this article, I am reading “The Beauty Myth”, by Naomi Wolf. On a side note, a definite recommendation for anyone interested in how our beauty obsession might be shaped by advertising dollars after the housewives started going to work. What is especially interesting about this book, is the fact that it was written in 1990, and thus pre-social media. Reading it with the knowledge that social media has amplified everything described is just, plainly, very very sad.

Anyway, the beauty myth otherwise known as the “obsession with physical perfection that traps the modern woman”, is by definition also about not growing older. Being young falls within the Venn diagram of being beautiful.

We are the first generation that has grown up with mass media and was constantly reminded of what ‘beauty’ looks like. Whether in the form of advertisements in magazines, billboards or TV shows. Really, who could have thought that America’s Next Top Model or 10 Years Younger, were in any way not harmful for girls and women?

Besides being pushed in the face what beauty looked like, it was the commonly known fact that older actresses and anchors, would at a certain point be replaced. Growing old was not allowed.

Without going into this more deeply, again highly recommending “The Beauty Myth”, it is clear that our generation has been conditioned to believe that in order to stay relevant we must by all means not age. The fear of aging is well ingrained, and the beauty industry is now reaping the benefits.

Big business

We are collectively spending record amounts on skincare, skin tools, and skin procedures. No longer is Botox reserved for the aging actress in order to stay relevant, it has now also made its way as a “preventive” measure for 20-year olds.

The skincare industry is expected to approximately double between 2020 and 2030, with one-third / HALF(!) of this market related to anti-aging

2020 ███████████████ (~135B)

2023 ██████████████████ (~154B)

2025 ████████████████████ (~170–190B)

2030 ████████████████████████ (~210–236B)1

All of these massive amounts exclude treatments.

Looking at treatments, would really rock the boat. The expected growth of injectables is 3x in the upcoming 10 years, meaning a 10%-12% growth per year, This means it is increasing faster than the skincare industry itself2.

On the note of its popularity, I would also like to remind you that Botox is one of the most poisonous toxins known to mankind, and a bare 0.00007mg would be enough to kill a 70kg person3. No, that was not a typo, this stuff is mind-blowingly lethal.

Age appropriate behavior

I think what is confusing, is that we have also grown up feeling like “adults” knew how to adult, yet when actually growing older most of us still have no clue what we are actually doing.

Partially I think this has been true forever, and adults and parents have always just done their best. Another part of me feels like we are stuck chasing irrelevant actions. Like the ones related to our beauty routines in order to remain young.

I am too, guilty as charged. An example. While my mom produced multiple photobooks per year (as a great souvenir), I am still finalizing the single book created for 2024. However, I have gua sha’d my face every evening for 5 minutes. Whether this is taking appropriate time for myself, which my mom perhaps missed, or if it is spending time on the wrong priorities is a question I don’t have the answer to.

Looking back

Remember that trend where all of Instagram was filled with pictures from 2016? Most likely the joy of the images shared also came with a feeling of loss: the loss of how you looked and the fact that you did not celebrate it enough at that time. Instead you were probably chasing other beauty ideals, or like me nervous about every calorie put in my mouth. A great read on this here

Putting this reflection into this article, only leads me to one conclusion: I don’t want to have that same feeling again at 40, then at 50, and eventually at (minimum) 120.

Back to addressing my girls

Although I often get frustrated about how “change starts with us” inevitably puts the responsibility on women (as per usual, and normally for situations that are literally forced upon us), there is a truth to it.

If I can’t fathom nor respect the fact that women of my age are women, then how can I expect others not to expect me to be a girl? This time, “girl” must have the dated meaning of a female domesticated animal or servant [to the beauty industry].

So from now on, I will address myself, my friends, and all unknown sisters, as women. In the end, the sooner I (you, we) can recognize that aging is inevitable and embrace the looks of it, the sooner we can enjoy the gift that it really is.

Thanks for reading my words. Believing Substack guru’s my niche should be 1) Pilates, 2) Motherhood, and 3) Starting over mid-life, but sometimes I just can’t help myself writing about issues women encounter in our society. Intrigued? Have thoughts? Agree?

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It was a cold February day when my son made his way into the world. His arrival was a grand one. Our birth, as son and a mother, did not follow the contemporary standards and was nothing more than intuition as the strongest force on earth.

As a Dutch mother, home birthing is, although in recent years less and less, generally a common tradition. I was born at home myself, and know countless others who were born or gave birth the same way as my mom and I did. It was also something I had always imagined myself doing. It was almost a natural concept to me, as something ‘we did’, like the way each family makes their sandwich and folds the laundry.

That being said, the Netherlands is not where I live. My partner, a Swede, and I moved to Stockholm in the fall of 2023. Our son would be a blend of Dutch and Swedish, but my pregnancy followed the Swedish traditions. Where the Dutch way is more personal with one nurse following your pregnancy and birth, often in natural ways, the Swedish way separated midwives and doctors, and centered more around medical intervention.

This was something that didn’t bother me per se. Although nothing has made me more aware of cultural differences than becoming a mother (your inner lioness can be loud when someone goes against your “normal”!), I was able to give over to the health rituals of the country I was living, considering they were generally good and babies were born healthy here too.

This is also the reason why I didn’t go the route of home birthing. It is not (at all) supported in Sweden and I didn’t want to go off the conventional path. Something like “when in Rome, eat like the Romans do” but different. That doesn’t mean I was completely at ease with the process of giving birth at the hospital. The main point that haunted me was the question of how to know when it was time to actually go into the hospital?

Each mother has her own way to prepare for birth, and mine was the Ostrich technique. I didn’t want to hear stories, didn’t want to know the different options, and absolutely did not want to know about ways it could go wrong. So when my partner and I went to a birthing seminar at the hospital at 8 months pregnant, it was eye-opening. I didn’t know about the different stages of labour, had no idea that often it doesn’t happen on the back but could be on the side, knees or kneeling, and that “emergencies” are often portrayed as emergencies in movies but in reality normally are not as stressful. The only missing explanation was the one that kept going unanswered: when to actually go to the hospital? Regardless of my insisting questions, the doctors did not want to give any guidelines in terms of contraction intervals or others, and I left as confused as I was prior.

Looking back, my feelings about labour were quite correct. Here I do want to acknowledge that they were correct for me, as I know everyone has different bodies, minds, experiences and complications.

My conviction is that birth is our body functioning in optima forma; muscles, mind, hormones aligned. It is something those becoming mothers must undergo, with as little intervention as possible. For me this meant that I absolutely did not want to take any pain medication and had a very high confidence in my body’s ability to handle whatever my labour would bring. Perhaps a bit too high.

Like most babies, my son didn’t make his appearance on his due date. I now understand this date is more an indication than anything else, but at the time I was highly anticipating him. It would take another 8 days before he showed up. These were days I now look back on very fondly. My parents had come over from Amsterdam for two months, and each day of waiting was filled with long walks and Swedish fika.

Then something (finally) happened. During the night I had gone to the bathroom. Sleepy as I was, I didn’t register the feeling of a bucket emptying, but waking up I realized I probably should check it out. It was the mucus plug that had left my body. After monitoring, the doctor expected my labour would start within ~72hrs.

The day that followed might be one of my favorites. It was cold. We had another Swedish fika with my parents, until my nerves started brewing and my partner and I went home. It dawned upon us that yes we will become parents, and we had such a beautiful sense of bonding. I felt like an athlete prior to the most important competition of my life, without knowing when it would begin.

We watched some Netflix, and I, having been religious about walking during my pregnancy, wanted to move my body. My partner had a call and refused to let me go alone. Stubborn as I am, I spent 20 minutes circling the parking lot alone with my thoughts. Still, not much was happening on the baby front. We ordered Vietnamese, my first Bo Bun forever drenched in memories, and went to bed.

Around 02:00 I woke up from a contraction. Though the nurses had told me to not track, I started taking screenshots when they came:

02:12

02:30

02:39

In hindsight, this should have been the moment to go to the hospital, but instead I decided to not wake my partner and close my eyes in meditation.

Besides breathing, there were two things that made me manage the contractions. First of all, I didn’t fight them. In fact, I used the mantra “I accept this contraction and let it go” whenever I was flooded with pain. The second was viewing contractions like waves in the ocean that brush the beach and then inevitably return.

Somehow I dozed off and let my contractions be. Around 03:00 I started taking the time again:

03:25

03:30

03:37

It was at this moment that I decided to call the hospital. The nurse on the phone was calm, and as she heard that I had not yet woken up my partner and was managing well she told me it was not yet time. “It should really become unbearable” she told me. This is the first big lesson from my labour: don’t let anyone tell you your pain is not legitimate.

However, at that moment I was calmed by the nurse and continued with my mantra and vision of the ocean with every contraction that came.

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At around 06:30, I felt the contractions getting worse. It was at this time I woke my partner. So far into my meditation and occupied by pain, I had a hard time speaking and it was him who called the hospital. Lesson number 2: it should always be the mother who speaks on the phone. Again the nurse told him it was not yet time, and advised taking a shower or a massage. This time though, I was not calmed by her words and I finally realized that she was wrong. It was time to get to the hospital. As my partner called my father to pick us up and make me a tea, I would get up and start getting dressed.

“HE IS COMING!!!” was all I could scream when I got up, heard the water break and felt an unbelievable burn (IYKYK). “HE IS COMING!!!”. And he was. I lay back on the bed, was shaking uncontrollably and the only sound I could make was raw natural screams whenever I felt the urge to push. My mother had told me to only push when the doctor told me so, and I listened to my trusted source of reference even in this moment.

First calling the hospital and then the ambulance to come to the rescue. It was 07:11 and it took approximately 20 minutes for them to arrive. Meanwhile there was a three-way call with the hospital, ambulance and our home where we were asked if we could see the head. We did. “Keep calm and breathe”.

When the ambulance crew finally arrived, I immediately felt a sense of relief. So far I had held my pushes, but now I finally felt like I could let go. There came an urge to push, I screamed and did. “On the next push, turn your scream into strength” was what I was told, and on the next push my son came out perfect and healthy. He didn’t cry, and simply looked us in the eyes with the same serious, enquiring face he can still pull. It is all a bit blurry, but we expect them to have arrived at 07:30 and my son was recorded to have been born at 07:35.

We were rushed to the hospital and investigated. Both mother and baby were doing perfectly fine and without any complications. The only remaining aspect was the placenta, which, as I didn’t want the Oxytocin shot, took longer to come. In the end, it required a catheter and a final push that felt like nothing compared to an hour earlier.

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During the course of the day nurses came in to check on us and hear the story. Our labour was something that did not happen often. Most of them wondered one thing: how were we coping with the panic and perhaps even trauma?

In general, I think the hospital grossly misjudged the situation and acted wrongly. It horrifies me to think of how it could have ended differently. However, it didn’t and that aspect makes me look back on the experience positively. There is no trauma at all. Instead, my labour has given me a sense of power and showcased exactly the strength I imagined women to have. It fills me with pride me how I was able to manage the situation but also remain humbled by the force of nature only experienced in situations where you’re left without control. Overall, I think my preference was home birthing, and somehow my body made me do it. Perhaps I should have just listened.

As I have often written about, becoming a mother has been my greatest gift. It has changed me in profound ways and the only place I absolutely love to be every day is with my son. Sometimes I wonder if our birth has had a hand in this. From the moment the contractions started, it was just us riding the waves. I didn’t want or need anybody else to get me through it. In a way, that has also given me such an understanding of the magical creatures women are. The ability to sacrifice, from our bodies changing to bearing unimaginable pain, is the largest power in this universe. I remember once I walked out of the hospital, I looked at each mother with awe. “You went through it too”. No wonder we have been feared for centuries.

Back to the cold day in February. After 24hrs at the hospital, I was so ready to go home. During my pregnancy I had been convinced that once I got back from the hospital I had to eat a “Princess cake”. Though I never tasted this cake before, and am generally not into cream and marzipan combinations, it became a symbol for me. My father (being the father I am blessed to have) made sure there was a Princess cake waiting for me when I arrived, and I devoured pieces for days. It was contrary to anything prescribed in my holistic postpartum books, yet I felt absolutely great in my body, digestion and energy. I know it is probably nonsense, but passing my experience onwards, I tell every pregnant woman to eat Princess cake after labour as if there is science behind it.

Now, 1 year later I have eaten days of Princess Cake again, and will continue to do so every year in celebration of my son, myself and women in general.

THE LESSONS

1. Birth is nothing like they show on TV, nor is it similar for anyone. Follow your own intuition on how you want to prepare, and be open about this. Take the route that is safe for you and your family, but do follow your heart. Doing so, most likely, will make the experience more endurable.

2. Do think about pain medication. I have now spoken with many women going into labour unsure of what they would like, ending up getting medication and not being happy with it afterwards or taking it too late and thus suffering unnecessary pain. Having a clear Yes or No provides clarity and, in my view and based on stories, make the experience a lot more pleasant.

3. I believe in the power of mantras, especially in order to get through something tough. Having a mantra and a visual ) can be extremely helpful in bringing you to a meditative state. Mine were “I accept this contraction and let it go” and the ocean reaching the shore.

4. Your pain is legitimate. Don’t ever think that you are not yet in enough pain to call the hospital, if it feels like you are at that stage. Not only is nobody’s pain tolerance similar, our ways of expressing pain is also different. Having a one-size fits all, doesn’t make sense in this regard.

5. Do track your contractions, and take action when they come often. This is something I didn’t do (on advice of the hospital) and it brought us in a dangerous situation I wouldn’t recommend to anyone.

6. Put a water resistant tarp in your bed a month before your due date. Just a precaution we took, as my mom’s water broke in the bed, but what ended up saving our beloved boxspring. Whether it is the water breaking or birth in bed (or neither), I am sure you won’t regret this.

7. It should be the mother speaking with the hospital, not the partner or anyone else. If the mother is not able too, it seems clear to me based on my experiences it is time to get going (probably you already should have).

8. Eat princess cake. Perhaps not literally, but definitely metaphorically. Let yourself be treated like a princess after birth. You just performed life’s (literal) most important job, and don’t let anyone feel like you’d deserve anything less.

Thanks for reading my words. If you enjoyed what you read, were touched by it, could reasonate, or simply shared a laugh, please show your support 🫶 .

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In my early days on Substack I wrote a note about this:

Though the note didn’t get a lot of traction, the question forever haunts my mind, like one of those unsolvable riddles. I know the answer must lie somewhere between “strategic incompetence” and “perfectionism”, but putting my finger on it is difficult.

As my partner and I used to have equally busy jobs, we always tried to divide the household chores equally as well. That being said, I clearly held the role of Judge Judy in terms of how the chores were done. Where it was “wrongly” folded laundry, “sloppy” vacuuming or a (too) quick pasta, according to me, it was well done by my partner. Sometimes I could hold myself from doing double work, but more often I did fold those towels again and generally took on more tasks than necessary for the sake of having the right execution.

All of this replicated in new chores when our son was born. Changing the diaper went smoother and caused less leak-through when I did it, so I did. I was afraid my partner did not sterilize pacifiers sufficiently, so I did not want to outsource that task. I decided on a particular way the bed should be made, and as it was hard to explain I just did it myself. The outfits chosen by my partner didn’t match my fashion style, so I made the selection. Breastfeeding started off slow and my son required cluster feeding, so there too I monopolized the privilege. The list of examples can go on.

The initial plan of my maternity leave was to stay home for 9 months. This seemed long enough and I considered it important for my partner to also find his role. However, it didn’t take long for me to extend my leave with every month that passed. During my leave, I naturally took on all the household tasks. This only made sense, as my partner was at the office and I was at home anyway with the time and ability to do what had to be done. The reality is that, completely unforeseen by either of us, we moved more into a traditional role division with every month that passed.

This is where the situation becomes grey, because none of the household and baby “chores” feel like a burden. I feel blessed every day to spend so much time with our son, from waking up to changing diapers and rocking him to sleep. Besides that, it leaves me deeply satisfied to care for our family and home with love and attention to detail. I have investigated the best bath-time rituals, poison-free cleaning detergents and am trying a new recipe every week. With all the care for our son falling on my shoulders, I benefit from so many precious moments otherwise missed. Yet, sometimes I can’t help but wonder (IYKYK): am I truly happy taking on these tasks, or am I simply happy to keep control?

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My mother was a stay at home mother, and when I shared my feelings of joy of being at home with her, she could completely resonate. She never regretted spending time with her children, was happy that she could be there for every milestone and had the undivided attention for all small and big acts in life. However, there was one thing she felt she could have done differently: to sometimes let go of control to do something for herself. Whoops, busted.

The difficult part is listening to the brain vs. the heart. Frankly, there is no place I would rather be than at home with our son, even if it comes at the burden of taking on household tasks that are not necessarily mine. This, like a catalyst, feeds the “controlism” which grows with each day that it has full rein: the more you are set in the way tasks are done, the more you are unwilling to outsource. I know that the way we are setting up our household would mean that I would probably continue doing most of the work there. At the same time, today I am happy to be in this position.

I used to quote Sheryl Sandberg, that if the father puts on the diaper the wrong way we should let him do it; the important point is that he does something. How different I feel today. Yes, Sheryl Sandberg would probably roll her eyes at everything I am writing, but I only have my own feelings to count for. When speaking about this with friends, one with child and one childfree, they were worried I was making a sacrifice by putting myself in this situation. Yet, that couldn’t feel further from the truth. Sacrificing would mean giving up something with a higher value, and it really doesn’t feel that way. There is no place I would rather be. It does show how we view the role of mothers in our society (essay incoming) and the fact that we as women are not homogenized in our experiences of motherhood.

Besides leaving my son, another part of being hesitant to work in the 9-5 timeframe is that the tranquility we have found in our home would be lost, yet I think it has so much to count for. Perhaps two truths can hold at the same time, like being inherently happy as the main caretaker of the family, even if that means the burden of control falls on your shoulders. I won’t change my ways for the perception of others, but do want to be mindful of the lessons of others. For example, by listening to my mother and taking care to not efface myself in the urge of keeping control, and by staying in touch with my friends about the values the acts of my life hold.

For anyone worried about my partner being a lazy slob or having any hand it my choices, please rest assured. Besides being the best support I could wish for, he is also very happy to help out when he can. Mostly it is me not needing him to, but if I do need him, I can count on him 200% (ok and then maybe I do swallow my criticism).

As someone not educated in anatomy, I never second-guessed any Pilates teacher who referred to “Lower Abs”, but it turns out I should have. We don’t have separate lower abdominals and this reference is often incorrectly made when trying to target the lower stomach. What is actually meant is engagement of the transverse abdominals, which are the deep abdominal muscles. These muscles run around the stomach and are the ones responsible for “flattening” the area below the belly button when being engaged. The transverse abdominals are like a “corset”, and you can feel them using lateral breathing: inhale to widen your ribs and exhale with an S-sound through the mouth.

Check my post on Pilates breath for more.

2. The Neutral Spine is not an endpoint

Another term that is often used in Pilates and other core-work classes is of the “Neutral Spine”. The neutral spine refers to the spine in its original position without any muscle engagement to keep it in place. This doesn’t mean a straight spine, as the spine naturally curves (i.e. your neck curves forward and your lower back curves outward with an S-shape throughout). You can find your neutral spine by lying down on the mat with your pelvis level, which you can see by having your hipbones and pubic bone parallel. What is key to remember, is that the neutral spine is not a goal in itself. Pilates is a movement system, and the neutral spine is only a reference to move in and out of, not a static position to hold.

3. “Let your back touch the mat” is an incorrect instruction

Take any popular “Pilates-like-core-class” and it would seem like “let your back touch the mat” is a synonym for engaging your abdominals. However, the reality is that for most people correct abdominal engagement does not equal having a flat back on the mat. Our spines are meant to have curves, and although engaging your deep abdominals gives a sense of “flattening” the stomach, it depends on each individual’s spine structure whether that results in the back being flat on the mat. So, whatever the result of engaging your abs, having your back on the mat should never be the intention. The intention should be correct abdominal engagement, and the spine will follow.

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4. Strengthening tops Stretching

Although “Stretching” is also one of the four principles in the school of Romana Kryzanowska’s Pilates, it is second to “Strength” (the other two principles are “Stability” and “Stamina”). This means that when doing an exercise that requires both stretching and strengthening, it is better to decrease the stretch in order to strengthen correctly. Doing otherwise would mean not being able to engage the muscles accordingly, and thereby increasing the risks of injuries and decreasing the ability to gain strength.

5. Work from the center out

In other words: don’t worry about reaching your legs to the end of the room if you are not able to engage your core muscles (yet). The starting point should always be to have strength and stability in your center. If that is not yet available in the full expression of the exercise it is better to modify. Modifications are done accordingly: moving the “levers” closer to the body (i.e. arms and legs bent in instead of extended out) and increasing the surface area of your body on the floor (i.e. feet placed on the floor).

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The joy of doing what you love

This course was the first time I was away from my son for a full day. And that three days in a row! It caused me a lot of nervousness, with a corresponding fear of not being able to enjoy the days in the way I would have otherwise. I was dreading the first day of the course, and when the time came to leave it was hard to close the door. Yet, when arriving at the studio I was able to leave my broken mother heart at the door, and was able to fully enjoy the experience. Of course my son was in my thoughts, and yes I did run home from the metro at the end of the day, but the fact that I was truly able to enjoy the day was a confirmation that I was making the right choice in following my passion.

At the same time, notwithstanding the joy I got from the course, at the end of the second day I felt like I had been away from my son long enough. Another day of “separation” felt like too much, not on a needy level but in the way that I was really looking forward to spending time with him again. The last day of the course was still very informative and I had fun, but oh how happy I was making that final sprint home that weekend. This too was a confirmation: hanging out with my son really is one of my favorite activities, no matter the other options.

What a blessing to be able to do what I love.

Becoming a mother has always been a life-altering experience. Your hormones have changed, your brain has changed and your body has changed. You have just delivered one of the most intense physical achievements often compared to running a marathon, resulting in a little human’s full dependence on you. This little human’s day-night rhythm is not yet set and you are expected to function with little to no sleep.

Could it get worse? Yes. Society placing unrealistic expectations on mothers and social media showing examples and tips on how to achieve these. Mothers are left with an unachievable to-do list and the constant feeling of being behind.

Unrealistic expectations all around

In his book “Four Thousand Weeks”, Oliver Burkeman describes the newborn period as a rare opportunity in our current society when one can live without a clock (imagine, our medieval ancestor lived without the concept of “time”). Instead of embracing this gift of letting go of time, our society has filled the newborn period with all the schedules possible. Sleeping schedules, feeding schedules, changing schedules… the list goes on. Instead of wondering if the wake window activities, besides (breast)feeding, changing a diaper and rocking, for a newborn are realistic, most moms will question themselves. Nobody wonders about a kitten’s sleeping schedule or a puppy’s wake window, but as our society is running on the clock, we feel the need to start our babies early on.

The same sense of regime is placed on women who have gone through pregnancy. The amount of people telling me that breastfeeding was great for losing the baby weight outnumbered those mentioning the benefits for my child. It is beside the point that either should be telling me what would be best for me or my child, but it is a telling example. Social media is filled with videos showing how to lose the mommy pouch or get your waist “back” with corresponding images of 2, 4, or 6 months postpartum. Instead of questioning the need to go back to the pre-pregnancy body (why can’t we wear our pregnancy souvenirs with pride?), we question the time it should take. Although it is not always outspoken, the timeline associated with a woman fitting into her pre-pregnancy jeans is clear: the faster the better.

On top of the ‘useful’ schedules and the rush to get in shape, is the pressure coming from the ‘picture perfect’ momfluencers. We don’t see the mess behind their camera, the people helping out, their own demons and the tears they cried. Instead we see a perfect image, creating unrealistic standards that mothers start holding themselves to and are being held to. It is a perfect catalyst for getting out of touch with ourselves.

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Why slow movement matters

With the unrealistic images and expectations, mothers are in a constant rush. It is about keeping to-do-lists in order to score on all different levels. As everything is expected to be hard work, movement is no different. Instead of it being a moment of peace and relaxation, it follows the same pattern of discipline and depletion. Even walking has been compromised and is now only sufficient if we hit 10K steps a day.

While slow movement can feel counter intuitive to this, by feeling less productive and as a break in the speed required to make it through the day, it can also be an act of radicalism. It is going against the lies (I said it!) that motherhood has uncovered for many of us: that we must be busy to be satisfied, that going to your edge equals doing your best, and that we should work for tomorrow instead of enjoying today.

This is not to say that slow movement is easy. On the contrary. Not rushing means actually feeling every (uncomfortable) sensation, and quality over quantity requires full concentration. This is precisely why slow movement has such revolutionary benefits; it teaches us to be present in the moment and to take control of our own mind.

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Act of rebellion

Rebellion is the act of resisting, opposing, or rising up against authority, control, or accepted norms. Completely cutting out movement would be an overcorrection as there are undeniable benefits to moving our bodies. Allowing yourself to enjoy slow movement, on the other hand, can be seen as a small act of rebellion against the noise telling you to go faster. It is fighting for the normalization of building trust instead of discipline and strength without depletion.

My preferred form of slow movement is Pilates (who would have guessed?). It has been such a powerful reset for me in terms of finding my boundaries and building confidence. It has taught me to focus on what I can control and accept the rest. No longer do I punish myself for what is beyond my current reach and instead respect myself for what I can do.

Perhaps this can be an inspiration for your movement today or tomorrow, no matter what your preferred form of movement is. And yes, doing house chores with a baby on your arm counts!

“After months of contemplating what to do, I am now just starting. There are so many ideas in my mind, but none of them are complete, some are too hard to achieve and overall there are too many to make any choice which one to start with. In a way, it is like being lost in a forest of creative ideas and deciding to stop moving altogether, making it impossible to know what would be on the other side”.

A quote from my diary (yes, very old school but that’s just the girl I am), when I decided to go ahead and start Mom Does Pilates. What I wrote, no matter how poetic, is true however. Over the years there have been many side-projects and hobbies I have wanted to pursue, from creating T-shirts to writing a book and starting a fitness course. However, never did I have the time to do so. Not having time was not an excuse - it was the reality with a demanding international job and myself, my partner and my family in three different countries. Between working and traveling, there was no time for anything else. Of course I know that “having time” for something ultimately is a matter of priority and this is exactly where becoming a mother changed everything.

The List

As long as I can remember I have been an ambitious girl. Never did my parents have to chase me for homework, I organized international exchanges and internships, including housing and visa, without any support, and understood the diligence and accountability necessary in professional settings. From a very young age, I was laser focused on achieving a “satisfying” life when I was older. This was a vision built on having financial freedom with hopefully a partner to enjoy it with (funnily enough kids were never part of my dream and now it is the best thing that ever happened to me).

Once I started working, keeping efficiency in mind, I created a “priority list” in order to distribute my time in accordance with my future goals.

The list of priorities to achieve the “satisfying life” I had in mind (The List):

1. Corporate career

2. Love

3. Family

4. Sports

5. Friends

6. Personal development

As you can imagine, this list did not lead to many spontaneous parties, a warm house for friends to come over to or any strange hobbies. However, it did lead to climbing the corporate ladder, being financially free and able to travel and visit my family once a month, and buying a house with my partner. At the same time, it also led to spending my 30th birthday alone in a hotel room while on a business trip, living in a studio with four bare walls because buying anything nice would just be a bother moving again, and not doing anything publicly because of the fear my colleagues or clients finding out. Yet, whenever there was discomfort between how these experiences felt and The List, I would simply look at my “wins” and lose any argument on the count of my feelings.

Becoming a mother: the moment that changed everything

When l I became a mother something inside of me changed. It started to broom the moment I discovered that I was pregnant. Perhaps this feeling was exaggerated as I discovered my pregnancy by total accident, but I walked into the gynecologist worrying about my next meeting and walked out with a sense of calmness I had never felt before. This feeling continued to develop during my blissfully good pregnancy and it was the first time I felt so secure in my body and had trust in ~nature~ and its ability to handle this job. In my actual job (i.e. my entire life), my stress-levels went down too and I could let go of things that normally would have haunted me. It was a period I really enjoyed and thought would last, even if the moment would come that (of course!) I would continue life as it was before, once my pregnancy was over. What I didn’t know was that a second revolution would come over me the day my son was born.

Little big teacher

Although he was nothing more than a little bundle of rosy skin and fragile bones, with his eyes still primitive, my son was a teacher like most babies are as they are, ruling by their intuition. With my new mentor, I learned to let go of time, gave in to biological truths over popular opinion and started to follow my intuition over rationale like he did. Yet, the biggest lesson he taught me, the moment he arrived, was that life is finite. In a way, though I really don’t want to be disrespectful, I feel like the sensation I felt could almost be compared to that of people with ‘near-death’ experiences. Comparing birth to a near death experience might be a first, but I hope you get the point; it is about how one day to the next life changes 180 degrees and it is impossible to ever go back to how it was before. It was an eye-opener that I am alive now, and one day I will die. (violin music)

This realization made me question how I had spent my life until this very moment and every minute I had allocated in accordance with The List, even when that didn’t feel right. Initially it was a very negative feeling. My professional title did no longer ring with pride of achievement but made me question the overtime hours I had spent on “emergencies” while clearly not working in a hospital and saving lives. The minutes spent traveling felt like a run from settling in one place. My life abroad did not longer sound exciting but made me grieve the countless birthdays, dinners and national holidays I would never get back. The shame to act on ambitions that felt “out of reach” made place for lost time and opportunity to do what I really wanted to do. Most importantly, I felt that in the past ten years I had dedicated my time to others and not to myself. Where The List had succeeded in the goal to create a superficially satisfying life, it had left me personally empty.

Though after having this realization came the inevitable doubt. What if this feeling was only fueled by the hormonal changes I was going through? What if the place I was in now was actually much better than it would have been had I made other choices? What if I was not honoring how blessed I was and would lose it all? What if these What ifs were a protective mechanism of my brain stopping me from taking a risk, and What if they were not?

Finding answers

Lost in questions, one truth stood clear: the priority I had followed in the allocation of my time in the past ten years had brought me according to where it should. After all, the areas of my life I had dedicated my time to had flourished. Thereby, no matter the doubting questions I couldn’t answer, it was only rational to conclude that the priority in which I should spend my time in the upcoming ten years would lead me to the corresponding destination. The only question I really had left to answer was where I saw myself in ten years.

I could write about how answering that question “sounded easier than it was”, “was more difficult than anticipated” or another lie to hide the fact that it was abundantly clear what I had in mind. Pregnancy and motherhood had opened my eyes sufficiently to know that in ten years, I didn’t see myself sitting full-time, with square-eye-blue-light 10+ hours of the day, and spending half my time on a plane. But most importantly: I would no longer appreciate others’ urgencies more than my own. With this clear vision, the only thing left to do was to allocate my time in accordance with my dreams.

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Choosing myself (Pilates)

Where my son taught me to start respecting my time, I hope to teach him to follow what his heart is telling him. In my case it means (finally) following my passion for Pilates. I can’t wait to start working with women, especially mothers and mothers-to-be. We are all so wise in our own ways. Combining that with this form of movement, creates a control over body and mind that provides a sense of confidence in yourself (internally and externally), your abilities and actions. It is the revolutionary way in which you can become more present, aware and able to act upon what you know to be right. It will make you feel more able to handle whatever life (or a not-napping baby, tantrumming toddler, or rude teenager) throws at you. And although I pledged to never allocate my time in accordance with a list again, I know I will be spending a lot of time transferring my excitement for Pilates and hopefully moving together.

My experience

We are back in Stockholm after spending the holidays with my family in Amsterdam. It was a special holiday period as it was the first time spending it as a mother. This first brought a lot of joy but also made me finally understand why some feel like the holidays are moments of stress rather than relaxation.

First and foremost having a child during the holiday period provides an extra dimension to it. For example, never before did I feel the internal urge to decorate my apartment and create a Christmas feeling (I was never there anyway and the money could also be spent on a nice dinner), nor did I ever intentionally do the Christmas rituals with a sense of tradition (every year was different and most likely my partner and I were not even in the same place). However, this year was of another kind. Somehow the stereotypes came naturally, and I found myself decorating the house with red ribbons and a tree, and was very eager to have certain outfits and mugs on Christmas morning. It was a beautiful start to family Christmas time and one that I look forward to improving year after year.

That being said, besides this Christmas magic was another feeling ruling the days: stress. In fact, on the 2nd of January I had to check with my partner if it was just me, or if he also felt like the holidays did nowhere near feel as relaxing and recharging as they had done all previous years.

Perhaps it was the fact that as an international couple we were not only celebrating the holidays between two families, but also between two countries. Even though for years our Christmas morning on the 25th has been spent on an airplane, having to do this with a baby prior to another dinner with a baby (in Sweden Christmas is celebrated on the 24th) definitely was different. And that was only the second day. After that came 6 more days of family-time and holidays (in the Netherlands we tend to extend Christmas until the 1st of January).

To celebrate Christmas with a little one required attention we normally would have spent on… well, attention we would normally rather “not have spend” by taking everything just a little bit more slowly. It was the difference between having long evenings at the table or slow mornings in bed and at breakfast. Unlimited conversations with family members became split-minded conversations, keeping 50% of the brain focused on the conversation and 50% on watching whoever was holding the little one, making sure they were not putting something weird in his mouth or in front of his face (moms you know what I am talking about).

Besides the differences that come with a little maestro requiring a routine you can afford to not have without children, there is something that I have always struggled with by having family far away: wanting to spend every second with my family (realizing I am blessed to feel this way about my family) while also needing time for myself. Time for myself = my Pilates routine. It is my ritual of keeping calm and collected, and is what leaves me energized for whatever the day brings. The holiday baby challenges multiplied this need, yet it also divided the time available for it. As a result, I am back in Sweden and not feeling as energized to take on the new year as I would like to feel.

Anyway, enough about me

Perhaps your experiences were different. Mothers of children in different ages have different stressors, others might have a family where tensions rise high, and again for others grief or loss might have made the period difficult. No matter what your memories of the holidays are, it is likely they left you feeling tired instead of recharged. What I hope to share, is that if this is the case you are not alone.

This does not take anything away from how blessed the same holidays might have made you feel (I know I can certainly need a multitude of hands to count them). Being blessed over your holiday period is not mutually exclusive to being happy the days are over. Is it not the beauty of being human to have a multitude of emotions that can be present at the same time?

What to do about it?

We’re two weeks into the year and I can imagine, like me, that you want to shake the feeling of being tired. Perhaps on some days you could “snap out of it” but if that is not the case today, please know that you are not alone (hiii it’s me!). These are the tips I use to beat this feeling and that could be useful for you too:

• A sound space creates a sound mind. Perhaps you have already taken away the Christmas decorations, perhaps not. In any case, it doesn’t hurt to have a look around and see where clutter can be taken away. A tip for the moms with spoiled children: you know the concept of “new clothes, old clothes out”? The same can apply to toys: “new toys in, old toys out”. Depending on the age of your child you can make a ritual out of it. If possible the toys can of course be donated or brought to a second-hand store.

• Most likely, the tiredness you feel is mental and not physical. If that’s the case you could be more prone to the dopamine kicks your phone provides. Often this results in too many minutes (hours🤫) scrolling without any actual benefit. Frankly, this behavior only increases the tiredness. Try to keep your phone locked in a cupboard in the moments you would normally reach for it and try instead to do something active during this time. For example, my weak spots are whenever I put my baby to nap. However, taking my phone means lazing on the couch with a useless ‘consumption’ of social media, online stores or the news. Doing a small workout, some tidying, cleaning or an activity you have been putting off, makes a big difference in your energy levels.

• Put on a song and dance! Yes, this is one of ~those~ pieces of advice but I can speak from experience that it actually works! I used to travel a lot for work (like a lot a lot), and was not unknown to multiple 4am/5am wake-ups per week. My strategy to make it manageable was putting on a song and dancing while getting ready. Even on days where I am feeling meh, I still do it and it has never failed to provide me an energy boost. Have a baby at hand? Dancing with a baby multiplies the benefits (no sources on this but I am 100% sure it is true).

• One of the principles taught by Joseph Pilates is that movement creates energy. But how to get into movement when you are lacking the energy to even think about it? My tip: trick yourself into moving again by the following two steps: 1. Choose a workout that is slow enough to feel like a relaxation, yet strong enough to get your muscles active; 2. Make sure the workout is not too long, in order for your body to start craving more instead of wishing for it to end. If you’re worried this is not enough after the holidays, remember that taking care of your body is a marathon not a sprint. It is better to ease into working out and then inherently want to keep going, than to start like a blowtorch to only die out after a couple of “forced-through” workouts.

“A body in motion stays in motion”

In writing these tips, I purposefully left out any mundane tips like going to bed early and eating healthy food. Of course those actions are important, and anyone would be wise to incorporate them into their lifestyle, but more specific tips can have a double effect. Not only is it the effect of the tip itself, but it is also the mindset with which you are doing it. Performing the action with an intention or a mantra will create a catalyzing effect. My mantra is “a body in motion stays in motion”. It reminds me to mindfully be ✨energized✨ in whatever I am doing and pushes me to keep going.

Whether my mantra speaks to you or you have another one that better fits your needs, I hope these tips will help you beat the January blues. The comments are all yours with perhaps sharing of holiday experiences, your fall-back-on tips or how you incorporated my tips in your day-to-day. Hearing back from you would really make my…is it too early to say year?

Much love ❤️

“Since we cannot live without breathing it is tragically deplorable to contemplate the millions and millions who have never learned to master the art of correct breathing...one often wonders how so many millions continue to live as long as they do under this tremendous handicap of longevity”.

Breathing is a key part of the Pilates method and considered as one of the aspects that must be mastered in order to achieve physical and mental wellbeing. Notwithstanding the more contemporary teachings around breathing (more on this later), the “basic” Pilates breathing principle is to completely exhale all air out of the lungs and consequently inhale a sufficient amount to fill the lungs again.

As is the case with many (most?!) Pilates exercises, this sounds more simple than it is.

Firstly, to exhale all the air out of the lungs means to literally breathe out as much and as long as possible. When focusing on this, you will most likely notice that it is contrary to the way of breathing we have gotten ourselves used to. More likely is that we are short on our exhales or even stop our breaths for seconds at a time. To do as Joseph Pilates said, to “”squeeze” every atom of impure air from your lungs in much the same manner that you would wring every drop of water from a wet cloth.” requires a lot of attention and conscious action. Even when doing so for a couple of rounds, it is easy to fall in the trap of old habits again. Just imagining mastering the Pilates breath subconsciously (the joy is in the ride, not the destination🙃).

Once all air has been exhaled from the lungs, the idea is that the lungs will naturally cause a complete inhale to fully fill the lungs with fresh air. This fresh air will be full of oxygen and will revigorate the blood flow, the blood pumped to the heart and consequently the muscle activity.

“The lungs will completely refill themselves with fresh air...this in turn supplies the bloodstream with vitally necessary life-giving oxygen”. “It also stimulates all muscles into greater activity”

This concept of breathing is further important in the Pilates method as a means to clean the body of “old air”. In the writings of Joseph Pilates, this old air is considered to be a container of germs and it must leave the body. Figuratively speaking Joseph Pilates said that not doing so, i.e. “lazy breathing”, would leave the lungs as a “cemetery of the deposition of diseased, dying and dead germs”, while breathing correctly can be compared to an “internal shower”.

Now what about breathing through the nose vs. breathing through the mouth? There was no specification made about this in the writings of Joseph Pilates. Based on the information, the advice on mouth breathing vs. nasal breathing is double. On the one hand, Joseph Pilates created the “Breath-a-cizer”, a literal machine to work on your breathing, where the inhale was through the nose and the exhale through the mouth. (Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that the man created a machine to improve breathing? The art of intentional movement to the T!). Even though the Breath-a-cizer lets you breath out through your mouth, the common teaching is to use nasal breathing when doing the Pilates exercises. So, perhaps the answer about nose vs. mouth breathing is not straightforward; when practicing your breath you might breath through your mouth, while your breath can be via your nose during your Pilates practice itself.

Contemporary Pilates teachers often include “Lateral side breathing” into their practice. Even though this is not grounded in the original writings of Joseph Pilates, it is a useful breathing technique that can enhance your Pilates practice. Lateral side breathing means using your inhale to breathe into your ribs, to ‘widen’ your ribs so to say, and using the exhale to contract your abs, figuratively to ‘close’ your stomach. Try Lateral side breathing with the following steps:

1. Breathe in through your nose, then breathe out slowly through your mouth or through your nose (I would make a distinction whether performing the breathing as a ‘practice’ - then breathe out through your mouth vs. during your Pilates routine - then breathe out through your nose).

2. As you inhale, let your ribs and diaphragm move outwards to the sides. At the same time, keep your stomach relaxed and your core lightly engaged so that your stomach does not push forward.

3. As you exhale, gently draw in the deep abdominal muscles to support the exhale of breath from the bottom of your stomach (top of your pubic bone). Visualize a zipper which runs from the lowest part of your abdominals and closes with the air leaving your body.

“Breathing is the first act of life and the last. Our very life depends on it”

“Breathing is the first act of life and the last. Our very life depends on it” is the well known quote of Joseph Pilates. Straightforwardly, this is nothing but the truth, however, even though it is the ‘act’ we perform the most during our lifetime, most of us don’t breathe consciously, let alone in accordance with the Pilates principles.

The main Pilates breathing principle is to fully exhale all the air out of the lungs and consequently inhale a full breath of air. The benefit? A a steady blood flow with ‘clean’ oxygen in your body. Besides this principle, is the more contemporary breathing technique of Lateral side breathing that will be supportive in your core work.

Besides the physical benefits of correct breathing is the mental benefit: paying attention to the act of breathing ripples through to other acts in your life. It provides a sense of calmness and control, making you able to move through your day with in the same way. Even as the benefit of correct breathing might be one of the largest, its execution is also one of the most difficult. Luckily, the practice might be one of the most available.

For me too, even though I am studying Pilates every day, correct breathing remains challenging. In order to continue to improve and extend the periods of correct breathing, I try to get back to the breath whenever there is a moment of stillness or stress. For example, when I am breastfeeding (moment of stillness) or when I feel like I am rushing (moment of stress). It takes a milli-second to reset and to use the breath to connect to your body, but the effect is immediately noticeable. Besides grounding you in the moment, it is another repetition of the most important act of our lives, bringing you closer to the subconscious correct way of breathing. Bringing control to your breath brings control to your life. Trust me, you want to give this a try.

Video explanation & exercises 👇👇👇

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These phrases must sound familiar to anyone who has ever taken part in a modern fitness class. The goal is to push as much as possible because, after all, what is a workout that doesn’t make you sweat? A workout doesn’t count if you’re able to walk the next day, and the amount of muscle pain is seen as equal to physical gains.

This attitude is increasingly common, not only in HIIT classes, boot camps, and gym workouts, but even in movements that would originally have been considered slower. Yoga and sculpt classes (aka “Pilates” 👀) are becoming more fitness-oriented and the same tone rings throughout.

Now, what if I told you that excessive repetition of exercises and creating a “burn” is foreign to the original Pilates method? That the concept of working out too much exists? And that relaxation is a key part of achieving your physical and mental results?

In the creation of his method, Joseph Pilates placed an important focus on not unnecessarily straining the heart and lungs. This is partially reflected in his principles for breathing and increasing the blood flow. By exhaling all the air of the lungs two major benefits are achieved: the body will naturally be cleaned of toxins and the optimal amount of oxygen taken in with the next inhalation. From correct breathing, heart control should follow, meaning “reducing heart strain, purification of blood and development of the lungs”. Additionally, by performing the exercises lying down and with slow movements there is no “unnecessary pounding or throbbing of the heart”.

Besides the minor detail of the functioning of the major organs, is the aspect of developing the entire body, meaning large and small muscles, equally. Contrary to the outcome of most fitness routines, in the Pilates method large muscles should not be taking center stage. In fact, it is not only important to not ignore the development of small muscles for the brain functioning (more HERE) but also to make sure that the large muscles won’t “take over” and consequently hinder the further development of the small muscles.

“Constantly keep in mind the fact that you are not interested in merely developing bulging muscles but rather flexible ones...overdeveloped muscles interfere with the proper development of the under-developed ones”

Making sure all muscles are developed equally also means that there is no bulking of larger muscles. Whether visible or not, overdeveloped muscles mean other muscles are underdeveloped and as Joseph Pilates noted that comes with the result of “loss of grace and suppleness”

The Pilates method comes with clear directions, including the amount of repetitions. Contrary to what modern-day shape classes make us believe (reps to make you burn!), the prescribed amount of repetitions is between 3-12. Yes, you did read that right. 3-12 repetitions in total or per leg. Joseph Pilates even calls it the most important advice and direction.

“However, be sure never to repeat the selected exercises more than the prescribed number of times since more harm will result than good by your unwittingly or intentionally disregarding this most important advice and direction. Why? Because this infraction creates muscular fatigue - poison. There is no need for tired muscles.”

This means, that following the original Pilates method should never result in muscle pain, no matter how often your teacher might have chanted that no pain means no gain (it’s a lie!!).

In his studies to find the optimal routine, Joseph Pilates did not only study various types of exercises, he also drew inspiration from animals, particularly cats. Joseph Pilates notes how cats use all back muscles in combination with stretching and relaxing when getting up. Besides being active, cats can be completely relaxed and sleep in any way possible. It is a symbol of how “Contrology exercises emphasize the need for this constant stretching and relaxing”.

We live in a world, that celebrates quantity over quality and where everything comes at a price. This counts equal for physical achievements. Measurement of physical “success” is in the amount of repetitions and the corresponding muscle pain. This is why the principles of the original Pilates method, in terms of reps, stretching and relaxing, can feel so foreign to us.

Personally too, I can admit that until I started to broaden my knowledge of the foundational Pilates method, I would resent workouts that were “too slow” and thereby “not sufficient”. It could feel like a wasted hour compared to the HOT HIIT BURN classes that would make it impossible to walk the day after. To be fully honest, this ingrained feeling of needing to sweat during a workout was what held me back for a long time to fully engage in the Pilates method. Yet, when I broadened my studies and decided to fully surrender myself (/ “taking the risk”) to the Pilates method with limiting my repetitions and taking relaxation and stretching as serious as pulsing, the benefits in my body and mind started to accumulate.

Hopefully, by sharing my experience and learnings, I can invite you to join in the Pilates method too. Perhaps, you are even willing to take the “risk” of letting go of what a “good workout” should look like and surrender to quality over quantity as practiced in the Pilates method. If so, I am hopeful (and confident) that you too can start experiencing the benefits yourself.

*Contrology is the term Joseph Pilates used for his method

In practical terms, it means using your brain to connect to the muscles you want to use and really feel the muscles working for you. A practical example is lying on the floor and lifting your leg. This can be done on automatic pilot, with it not taking much effort but it also happening sloppy and without control. On the other hand, it can be done in a deliberate way by really using your brain to contract each muscle to lift the leg; this requires more effort but will make the leg lift tightly and controlled.

Now what do most people get wrong about the mind-body connection?

That it is all about the mind (, stupid!)

Too often, the mind-body connection is referred upon as a tool to contract your muscles in a better way and thereby enhance the results. When used like that, it is often about a tightening [XXX] (fill in the blank a society influenced area of insecurity of choice🤌) or with better intentioned strengthening certain muscles. However, it nonetheless completely misses the point that Joseph Pilates was making for the mind-body connection.

As outlined in a previous essay, a large part of Joseph Pilates’ creation of his routine was to improve mental wellbeing, as much as physical wellbeing. The mind-body connection plays a major part in this. Joseph Pilates saw that as humans we too often move unconsciously. Clearly not pleased with this, noted by the all-caps used in his book, Joseph wrote: “IDEALLY OUR MUSCLES SHOULD OBEY OUR WILL”. In the view of Joseph, exercising in the wrong way deteriorates the mind, while exercising in the right way elevates the mind. This is where it gets important. By engaging your brain actively in the movement of your body, you start developing your mind. The idea is that by being aware of the muscles that need to be engaged, the corresponding braincells need to be engaged. In doing so often and actively, muscles that were not being used are called upon and the corresponding dormant braincells need to reactivate too. In other words: activating new muscles lead to activating new areas of the brain, which leads to further stimulation of the mind. According to Joseph Pilates, this reinvigoration of the mind will produce “a sensation of uplift” and persons to feel “truly awakened”.

Perhaps as a Pilates student, you can recognize this sensation. I know I do and it is a major part why I love the practice. Especially as mothers, our life tends to get hectic (let’s all raise our hands here). Often it can feel like there is literally not enough space in the brain to keep track of all the things to do and remember, let alone to have some space for anything else! By performing Pilates, however, a sense of clarity is created, with a sensation of lightness that makes the load feel manageable again.

Besides the literal growing of your brain by channeling the mind-body connection and activating the full set of muscles and thereby your full brain, there is another benefit of the mind-body connection: taking control of our actions to prevent the stress generated in our day-to-day lives.

In order to explain this, I will refer to one of my favorite symbols used by Joseph. He compares two different car rides. The first one is a smooth one, executed by a great driver who accelerates and decelerates smoothly, takes turns as intended and has a car that is running well. The other ride is a bumpy one, with a driver whose starts and stops are jerky and sudden, scares the hell out of you with every turn and has a car that clearly needs a check-up. Everyone would agree the first drive would be more pleasurable. Now compare this to yourself in life. When we are not moving consciously through life, with examples of walking too fast, being sloppy in the kitchen or not finishing our actions, there is a stress generated.

Again, I wonder how many of you can relate to such a negative feeling. Again, I know I do. The problem is about functioning on automatic pilot and not consciously engaging your muscles, leading to sloppy and uncontrolled movements. Consciously engaging your muscles, on the other hand, creates controlled movements, which translates to a feeling of control. In the symbol of the drive, it means having a smooth driver in a well functioning car and thereby having a smooth experience (and even being able to enjoy the view 🙃).

This ability to control your movements is especially relevant for moms of young children. Picking up, carrying and feeding your ever heavier baby should not be underestimated (proven by the muscles you have surely gained). At the same time, your days are chaotic, busy and never follow a schedule. That being said, consciously engaging your muscles creates a sense of control and thereby reduces stress you may otherwise experience. A practical example many of us can probably relate to is when doing something stressed and having “everything go wrong”. But when you take a moment to relax, breathe out, and consciously continue with your actions, somehow everything goes better.

The mind-body connection should not be diminished to being only relevant for engaging certain muscles. Of course that is also important, but the main benefits from the mind-body connection are gained by the mind. By engaging all your muscles, you engage dormant braincells and thereby expand the mind. You will feel this in having more brain space to keep track of all those lists, chores, birthdays etc. etc. you are “just” expected to remember as a mom. Besides, consciously engaging your muscles does not only put you in control of your movements, it also puts you in control of your day.

Therefore important advice from Joseph Pilates for everyone who wants have more clarity and less stress in their daily lives: “Keep your mind wholly concentrated on the purpose of the exercises as you perform them”. I know I do, will continue to practice this, and hope to continue reaping the benefits too 🍇!