The playful spirit of summer has been a necessary antidote to the uncertainty of life. August has brought the reminder that danger lives alongside us. That things can turn in an instant. I’ve been reminded to practice presence. To trust myself and my ability to handle the challenges life gives me. That I’m capable and resilient. That I have a responsibility to myself and my loved ones to show up every day. And so, within life’s big waves, I’m tending to the things that keep me anchored in healing myself daily and bringing in as much joy in as possible. For me, that’s food and family; elevating my life at home with beauty and love.

Simón turned two earlier this month. He and I made a beautiful olive oil cake with fig leaf whipped cream, thanks to the garden. Recipes below. The cake was such a hit, Jason made it again for his grandmother’s birthday the following week, and then for a client this past week. It’s quick and simple, and of course, my biggest qualifier for a hit cake: it can be had for breakfast the next day with no guilt.

We had gotten a bit off track with our bean consumption, but we’re back. Lentils, pintos, black beans, garbanzos, and my all time favorite, white lima beans. Thank god for beans. I’ve been boiling kale and garlic cloves for 15 mins, draining it, and cooking another ten in lots of olive oil, salt and a little chili flake. (Thanks to Jason + Clare De Boer.) The kale becomes almost buttery it’s so soft. The garlic totally dissolves. That with the white limas and some crusty bread, perfect.

Alright, here’s the cake, straight from my notes app, so pls excuse the brevity. I didn’t get a photo :( If you’re going to make the whipped cream, start it one day ahead.

Olive Oil Cake

1.5 cups AP Flour

.5 cup almond flour

1.5 tsp salt

.5 tsp baking soda

.5 tsp baking powder

1.5 cup brown sugar

1 1/3 cup good extra virgin olive oil

1.25 cup milk

3 eggs

Lemon zest (1.5 lemons)

2-3 tablespoons lemon juice

350 oven. 9 inch springform pan (2.5 inches deep). Oil pan and line bottom with parchment paper.

Whisk together dry ingredients in one bowl.

Whisk together wet ingredients in a separate bowl.

Add dry to wet. Stir until just combined. Don’t overmix.

Bake 50 to 60 mins until toothpick comes out clean. Let cool 30 mins. Run knife along edge and transfer cake out of pan to cooling rack.

Fig Leaf Whipped Cream

8 fig leaves

3/4 of a pint of heavy cream

A few spoonfuls crème fraîche

A few spoonfuls of maple syrup

Wash fig leaves, devein and dry. Heat oven to 300 and toast for 3-5 minutes.

Heat cream until steaming, not boiling. Add leaves and take off the heat. Cover for 3 hours. Strain and chill cream overnight.

Make whipped cream by mixing the cold infused cream with crème fraiche, maple syrup and a pinch of salt to taste.

Serve a dollop on the side of the cake. Or, cover the top of cake with cream.

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I read a quote this morning that spoke so deeply, it weaved through me as I stepped out into the world.

We parked at a particularly close spot to the farmers’ market and walked by a bake sale. An anti-fascist sign on the side of a table hosted by some sweet old ladies with homemade treats, donating to select causes in Minneapolis. We got to talking as they filled a box with blondies and cookies. My eyes welled up as I thanked the women for their work. One woman said it was helping her create hope. I shared the quote I had read in Dr. Mindy Nettifee’s beautiful piece The Soul Gets Louder and Brighter, Breaking Through the Noise -

“I am beginning to despair

and can see only two choices:

either go crazy or turn holy.”

—from Adelia Prado’s “Serenade”

As we drove home, the sun shone on the bright green hills. Jason held my hand. My mom sat in the back, making Simón laugh hysterically. Stevie Wonder’s Love’s in Need of Love Today played -

“Good morn or evening friends
Here's your friendly announcer
I have serious news to pass on to everybody

What I'm about to say
Could mean the world's disaster
Could change your joy and laughter to tears and pain

It's that, love's in need of love today
Don't delay, send yours in right away
Hate's goin' round breaking many hearts
Stop it please, before it's gone too far

The force of evil plans
To make you its possession
And it will if we let it destroy everybody

We all must take precautionary measures
If love and peace you treasure
Then you'll hear me when I say

That love's in need of love today…”

I have been leaning in heavily to long prayers and meditations for the last several months, in order to raise my vibrational field. It has helped significantly in my healing and ability to create more presence, and within that presence, I can see joy, peace and love building a foundation within myself that is repairing fractures that had existed. I not only see these things but am actively embodying them, becoming them on a deeper level. So much so, that in the moment, I can see my patterns and default behaviors, and actually make conscious decisions to behave differently. To soften edges and transform them through love instead of conflict. And, in that transformation, everything I touch is beginning to alchemize; my relationships, my judgments, my acceptance, my clarity.

It has become clear to me that we are in dire need of shining our light. With all the pain and unbelievable suffering that exists in our world, it can be so easy to dismiss our creative pursuits; to think they are petty, insignificant or selfish. But, please know, it is your light, your dedication to your wellbeing, your children, your community, your art, your plants, your animals that will not only save your own soul but the collective. The two pieces of art above connected me so deeply when they were shared this morning. The present moment of life cut through me so intensely, I could hardly believe it was real.

It is through love that we shine our light. Through deep deep love that we connect. Love is not an energy that wants to be contained. Let it pour out of you and into the streets.

“From all this, my friends, there arises an insight which the poet must learn through other people. There is no insurmountable solitude. All paths lead to the same goal : to convey to others what we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence, in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song—but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human and of believing in a common destiny.”

Toward the Splendid City: Nobel Lecture by Pablo Neruda

So, please, share your art. Share others’ art! Share your lemons. Use your voice. Lead with love. Shine your light.

My grandmother made persimmon pudding with hard sauce every year for the holidays, which I absolutely loved, and started making after she passed. Last year, when Simón was four months, he couldn’t have dairy. I was breastfeeding him, which meant I couldn’t have dairy either. So, I started playing around with seasonal teacake recipes, which I look at as more of a bread. They’re the perfect breakfast or afternoon snack. This teacake was the first thing S and I baked together. We continued the tradition this year. As you can see in the photo below, S was very excited to try the bread.

In the winter, bright orange persimmons hang from trees around Los Angeles. Southern CA dates and walnuts add texture to the custardy fruit. As always, I highly recommend doing as much shopping as possible at your local farmers’ market.

Happy New Year, all!

persimmon, walnut & date teacake

2 cups AP flour

3/4 tsp salt

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp ground cinnamon

1/2 tsp allspice

4-6 very ripe persimmons - I use Fuyu but any variety will do. You will need 255 grams of pulp (see step 3).

1 cup olive oil

1 cup packed brown or coconut sugar

3 eggs

3 or 4 dates, pitted and torn

handful of toasted walnuts, coarsely chopped

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour a 9 inch loaf pan. Set aside.

2. In a bowl, whisk to combine the flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon and allspice. Set aside.

3. Peel persimmons and scoop the pulp into a separate bowl, weighing it to 255 grams of pulp. Mash with your hands or a fork.

4. Whisk together the persimmon pulp, olive oil, and sugar until well-combined. Add in the eggs one at a time, whisking well after each addition. Gradually add the dry ingredients, stirring just until combined. Do not over mix.

5. Pour batter into loaf pan. Add the dates and walnuts to the top. Bake 60 to 90 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out cleanly or it temps between 195-200 F.

5. Remove from oven and let cool for 10 minutes before removing from the pan. Let the cake cool completely on a wire rack.

It will keep for a few days on the counter, wrapped in plastic wrap.

When my son was born, one of the first things I noticed was the most perfect curl on the back of his head. I thought of the Fibonacci spiral. In the first few days of my postpartum, I saw my son’s wrinkly face in everything: the stretched skin on my belly, the bark of a tree, my face in the mirror - everything resembled him. Forms blurred, and I fully experienced the connection between all things.

The Divine Proportion, or the golden ratio, is a mathematical ratio that can be applied to many things to create harmony and beauty. It marries with the Fibonacci Sequence - as the sequence grows, it gets closer to the golden ratio 1.618. Drawn out, it creates a spiral. The spiral shows up in the natural world over and over, as well as in art, architecture, photography and mathematics. We see it in the nautilus shell, the layout of tree branches, the leaves of an artichoke.

I was listening to Kening Zhu’s podcast Botanical Studies of Internet Magic. She was talking about her non-linear journey to career success, and how much the algorithms didn’t serve her. She looked at her path like a labyrinth, with some roads leading to dead ends, but if she kept exploring, she would eventually come to her center. That will look different for everyone and your center may change over your life, but it can be an interesting way to see your patterning and what you keep coming back to. “Spiraling into your changing center” she called it.

I thought about spiraling, and how the negative connotations with it - you get triggered by something and start spiraling - could be reframed to be something really helpful to us. If the spiral leads towards our center, to something we desire or need, we might be misunderstanding what is being communicated to us. It doesn’t have to be a doom-spiral but could actually be really useful information.

I’m finally reading ’s On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good. It is hitting hard on every note, but I especially think of the chapter on Envy, in terms of spiraling. So many think of envy as being a negative thing. What gives them the right to have that thing and not me? But if we reframe it, see it as a way to show us what we want, and how it’s possible for us to have it too, then we can work with that information. It provides clues to our desires and our connection with one another. Elise writes, “Accepting envy as essential, we can open the door to every possibility and invite our wanting to enter.”

I’m trying to create momentum in my life to learn how to exist in these uncomfortable times. Here are some things that have been helping me spiral back into my center:

*Read the book I’ve been wanting to for years.

*Write. Just keep writing. About anything.

*Zhuzh up your website.

*Cook!

*Take photos again.

*Meet up with that person you connected with at the dog park.

*Ask for help when you need it!

Because I’ve been experiencing so much stagnation, anything slightly different in my day that feeds my center is a huge welcome. I’ve already begun to see the ripples of it shaking things loose. And with that, a remarkable amount of synchronicities are showing up - even a newsletter last week from psychotherapist and Carl Jung scholar titled The Reason You’re Experiencing More Synchronicity Than Usual. In it, she quotes the archetypal cosmologist and astrologer Richard Tarnas, “Synchronicity plays a role in spiritual orientation, a sense of nourishment by the care of the universe instead of just feeling like you’re out there, a stranger in a strange land…

[S]omething seems to be paying attention to my life… I seem to be a center of meaning that is being constelated around me as if I’m not alone, as if there’s some larger awareness, or, consciousness, intelligence, that cares. That can be quite transformational emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.” She goes on to say that “Jung expressed many times that it is in periods of personal and collective crisis that the unconscious breaks through most readily into conscious awareness.

This occurs through synchronicity… .” It’s not lost on me that my newsletter directly prior to this one was about an exhaustive amount of personal crisis. Not to mention the state of the world.

On my walk later, I stopped to take a photo of the wet markings the rain had left on a wall. I almost didn’t, thinking, why do I need to take this photo? I made myself. When I stopped, the teeny-tiniest snail shell I’ve ever seen was there; its spiral shining from the damp air.

The spiral that keeps showing up, reflected in nature and our lives, is asking for our attention. It serves as a reminder. And, what if its purpose is to lead us back to ourselves, to our core, our center? What happens when we start listening? The cool thing is, is we don’t really know where it’s taking us. But, it makes the journey so much richer, filled with magic and support at every turn.

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The word exist comes from the Latin exsistere, meaning to stand (sistere) out (ex), arise, emerge.

When I was wrapping up my work for House Play with a client I had for over a year, I remember her asking what I was going to do with the work, with myself. I had just moved back to the States from Mexico. My mental state was fragile; I had no idea what was going on in my life, and she was my only client. Without her, what was the work? “I’m going to try and find a way to exist in this world,” I replied.

It broke my heart hearing myself say that. But, it was true. I felt so isolated. The work I was doing felt really pivotal to me. But it didn’t seem to appeal to a wide audience, and I certainly didn’t have the marketing skills (or capacity) to promote it. And so, it fluttered away, morphed into Pls Try, so I could sell something tangible. I tried to find work in between, but nothing was landing.

The immense amount of stripping that I’ve faced in the last 3 years has brought me to my knees. How do you exist with despair weighing you down so heavily? How do you emerge from it? Arise anew, or at all. You keep trying. Every damn day. I pray the sediment will clear. I see joy in specs that carry me into the next moment. A thin thread of faith, but a thread nonetheless.

In a lot of ways, I created this stripping. I was curious where it would lead me, whether I was fully conscious of it or not. I certainly didn’t think it would take me this far into it, but it has. Unsure how to exist; how to stay true to myself, take care of myself, while living in this society. What would happen if I tried working for myself? If I got off social media? If I said no to jobs that I knew weren’t right for me? How do you stand out in a world that disregards other? That copies profusely, saying this is the only way. How do you work when the jobs don’t align with your core needs and desires? And, how do you live in our society if you don’t have a job? Because, if you don’t have a job, then you most likely don’t have money. I clearly am not quite sure, but I am still here. I am still alive and living and loving. Most days are even pretty good, filled with laughter and so much love, I could explode. It’s super odd. To be immensely rich in some areas of my life and so poor in others.

What is left when so much has been stripped away? My dedication to my son. My love and gratitude for my family. My connection with nature and animals. My curiosity to learn and heal. My belief in beauty and quality.

I’m tired, yes. Impatient, for sure. Frustrated, omg. But, there is something here that is demanding my attention. And, what do I love more than a deep dive into the psyche and pain of it all? I do have faith in that; my wonder with the lessons weaved into the struggles, and to respect my need for a life that might look very different from others. Faith in my ability to heal, my capacity to grow, to learn, to love, and to exist through it all.

Some news:

I’ve added more prints to my website. A series of doors, with lots of chipped paint and long shadows. These are some of my favorites.

Check out Window Seats Diner, where Jason and Erika create the most special dining experience you can have in LA right now.

I made the famous Chocolate Nemesis cake from River Cafe for my husband’s birthday earlier this month. It was a huge hit.

In August, I met with Carla Schwiderski who has been helping me on my healing journey. I am leaning into long meditations and prayers, treating everything as a sacred ritual, and resting my body to guide me in my process. I highly recommend working with her.

The weather cooled down in LA for like a day. We are heading to Northern CA this weekend, where it will actually feel like Fall. All I want to wear are comfy jeans, crew neck sweatshirts, cozy socks, and my Gramma’s jewelry.

The Saipua newsletter is something I look forward to every week. Sarah is basically living my dream life. I love the way her mind works and what she shares.

I’ve had 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez on my reading list for far too long. I recently finished the adaptation on Netflix. It was visually stunning. The set and costume designs were superb.

Not lately, but upcoming: Jason and his business partner Erika are essentially opening a restaurant. They have been hosting private dinners in a super cool mid-century home in the hills of North Hollywood. Beginning next month, limited reservations are available to the public, three nights a week. There are also special events, including a Bonsai cutting and dinner, with artist and author Ben Sanders, which I’ll be signing up for. You can make reservations and learn more here.

I was reminded by two different podcasts this morning of the power of gossip, complaining and judging - this applies to ourselves as much as others, things, places, etc. It is a low vibration of energy and affects us and our surroundings as such. Let’s bring in more light and stop ourselves when we want to speak this way. Let me know what happens.

We all go through phases. I’d gotten so bored of meditating that it wasn’t making me happy thinking about doing it. Then I was feeling guilty for not doing it. We shouldn’t feel forced or guilty at the thought of not wanting to do something that’s beneficial for our wellbeing. It should bring us joy! I was reminded that meditation isn’t the only thing that creates space and healing in myself. Many other methods do too, like the simple act of making tea. Going for a walk. Writing. Cooking. Taking photos. Taking a bath. Oddly enough, when I leaned into these other methods, I found myself craving meditation and dropping right in.

My mind has a fear that I will run out of things to write about. But, our source does not dry up. We do, however, have a responsibility to connect with it - whatever way that might be. When we are connected to source, the wellspring flows. Inspiration, ideas, downloads, healing, connection, channeling - many experience it in different ways. It’s always available to us, we just need to connect. But, we also have to trust it. It’s not necessarily a blind faith. But, it is different. It takes faith in yourself. A trust that when you tend to the well, it will get filled. It is a co-creation, a relationship, and all relationships require some sort of effort and participation. But what if that effort were enjoyable? What if it were beautiful? What if it were filled with ease? A sort of dance. Where everything becomes a meditation of its own.

I know that life gets messy. But, we do have control over our reaction to the external. How we respond to life when it happens. So, if we are more balanced, in general, maybe the messiness won’t affect us as much; or at least will affect us differently. If our well were dry and we got hit with horrible news, it’d take a different toll than if our well were already full, no?

I drink an insane amount of water. I love it. But lately I’ve been feeling like I need deep hydration. Herbal infusions are supposed to help with that, as your body can more easily absorb the nutrients of the plants when prepared that way, especially the long brews. Most of us aren’t drinking water from a spring filled with all the minerals our bodies need, and soils are so devoid of nutrients - that’s why eating from regenerative farms is so important. I think my need for hydration physically is stemming from this need to fill myself spiritually.

Over the last few years, I’ve been getting the message to fully commit to my wellbeing, my spirituality. In the process, I’ve learned a lot. The things I keep coming back to are the importance of presence and utilizing the power within us at all times. That’s not only how we cultivate more presence, how we heal, but also how we shine.

There’s a beautiful herbal infusion by Moon Canyon called Fill the Well that is super grounding and supportive. I’ve been making my own infusions at home. Concocting them brings me a lot of pleasure. I feel like I’m making a potion. And drinking them is super nourishing and hydrating. It’s things like this that connect me with presence and joy in the everyday. I make certain ones for Simón, too. He likes having lots of different options for staying hydrated, and these are great since there’s no sugar (I’ve noted below which ones I give to him). I love this podcast episode about herbal infusions in Mexico by my friend Chava. And, Lacy Phillips has a great piece on them with a few recipes and way more info about their benefits.

I talk a lot about the tools I’ve created for myself to manage my anxiety and depression. And, not only mange but actually heal. Water holds an immense amount of power. You can bless the water you’re using: say a prayer to it and ask for the healing you want transferred into your body from drinking it. These rituals are simple but can deeply connect you with the plants you’re using and your body. That’s why it’s important, as always, to use high quality ingredients and to work with intention and presence.

Here are a few infusions I make for myself, store in the fridge and drink daily. Feel free to adjust the measurements to your liking. I buy everything organic and dried from Mountain Rose Herbs or from the farmers’ market and dry it myself. Or, if you can, grow them yourself!

Grounding Infusion (long, cold brew)

makes 3 cups

1 tbsp Stinging Nettles

1 tbsp Red Raspberry Leaf

1 tbsp Tulsi

1 tbsp Rose Buds

1 tbsp Oat Straw

1 tbsp Marshmallow Root

Put ingredients in a 24 oz glass jar. Fill jar with room temperature or hot (not boiling) water, cover with lid, and let steep overnight. I put mine in the fridge, as sometimes they’ve fermented! Strain and serve chilled or heat on medium, removing from heat before it comes to a boil.

Morning Blend (hot, quick brew)

makes 2 cups

2 tbsp Lemongrass

1 tbsp Mint

1 small Cinnamon stick, or splinter a large one into pieces

Put ingredients in a teapot or glass measuring cup and set aside. Bring 2 cups water to a boil, let it cool for a moment, then pour over the ingredients. Let it steep for 5-7 minutes. Strain and serve hot, or store in the fridge and serve chilled. I share this one with Simón at room temp or chilled.

Baby Brew (hot, quick brew)

makes 2 cups

1 tbsp Chamomile

2 tsp Fennel Seeds

1 tsp Cumin Seeds

1 small Cinnamon Stick

Put ingredients in a teapot or glass measuring cup and set aside. Bring 2 cups water to a boil, let it cool for a moment, then pour over the ingredients. Let it steep for 7-10 minutes. Strain and serve hot, or store in the fridge and serve chilled. I share this one within Simón at room temp or chilled.

Jason is always shocked when I say I was the first one to make this soup. He claims it was him. Whoever it was, we have now been making it for years, and our son devours it.

I don’t always love squash. Maybe it’s the texture? But Jason has this thing where he always buys foods I don’t like and forces me to eat them.

One summer when we were living in NYC, Jason was splitting time out east working, and I was doing most of the cooking. We had an abundance of summer squash, and I needed to do something with it. So, what better way to get rid of a texture you don’t like? Put it in a blender and make soup. Summer squash becomes super creamy. It can be served hot or chilled and can easily be made vegan by subbing the chicken stock with veggie stock or water. I had a couple ears of corn I cut off the cob and threw in with the garlic. Feel free to improvise!

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Apple usually wakes around 6 or 6:30am for breakfast. Jason gets up to feed her. Lately, Simón has been sleeping in, so I wait for him to wake up. We call it our little island of love. All four of us in bed.

Apple eats raw food. Mostly meat, some ground bones, and a bit of fruits and vegetables. I did an insane amount of research on what to feed her. This seemed like the best option. She is full of energy and nutrient rich foods.

I nurse S and get him dressed. Ideally, I change now too, or else I’ll stay in PJs for way too long. Make the bed while he takes all his sweaters out of a basket my friend sent him from Oaxaca. We brush our teeth. He mostly just sucks on his toothbrush or throws it on the ground. One year old. Wowee. The longest and shortest, most densely packed year of my life. With nothing to do except be with him, which is everything to do. You think, oh, what am I going to do with all this time? But, changing a diaper, getting dressed, making sure you’re fed, he’s fed, taking a walk, doing the dishes if you’re lucky, and all of a sudden, it’s time for bed again and you’re completely exhausted and have absolutely no idea how you made it through. The days were lonely, long and quick, confusing, funny, scary, and some of the best I have ever had. It was a total mind fuck to be productive in such different ways than I was used to. Or not at all, and being okay with that. This is work I’m not getting paid for, that no one sees but me, that doesn’t always result in a tidy house and a delicious dinner. But, I have a very happy son, who beams out light from within, and that is so much more than I could ever ask for. I quickly spritz on some Serotoner and moisturizer. We head into the kitchen.

Jason is making coffee and breakfast. I go back and forth between coffee and tea. Right now, I’m on coffee. Oat milk until S can have dairy. I cut out all dairy when he was about 3 months old; he couldn’t digest it. Slowly bringing it back into my diet to see if he can handle it now. If I’m off coffee, but still want caffeine, it’s yerba mate and rosebuds. Plus honey and oat milk when I want a treat. If I’m totally off of caffeine, it’s tulsi and rose or an infusion I’ve made. I have a draft of infusion recipes for you. It has been sitting there for months! I will publish it soon. My body tells me when I need to take a break from caffeine. Right now, there is no other way to get through the day, so coffee it is. I’m trying to remember to have water with lemon and sea salt first thing. Today, I did. I can’t have coffee on an empty stomach but am also starving as soon as I wake up, so I usually eat some fruit or a batched smoothie I’ve made that’s in the fridge. I love smoothies. Do you want a recipe for that, too? I’ve started batching them because, baby. We usually have eggs, some sort of veg, and bread or tortillas for breakfast. Jason bakes bread each week, or we get a fresh loaf from a local bakery. Tortillas are a staple, of course. We’ve been eating a lot of flour tortillas since moving to LA. They just seem to be better than the corn ones we’ve tried. We get as much food as possible at the farmers’ market each week. Breakfast is typically Spanish tortillas, menemen, huevos a la mexicana, or fried rice. I’ve mashed some plum, banana and almond butter for S. He eats a bit. He’s more of a savory guy.

Jason walks Apple in the morning. He usually takes S, too. I either come along or have some time at home.

I put Simón down for a nap. He sleeps on my breast. I write or fuck around on my phone. I try not to be on it while he’s up, so this is my time to do whatever I need to do on there. He thinks a phone is for playing music, which I love. When he sees one, he starts singing and shakes his hips. Bad Bunny is a big hit. Doechii, too.

We get up, and it’s lunch time. If Jason is home, I am lucky, because he makes sure we are all fed properly. If it’s just me, then ideally there are leftovers or else I’m drinking my smoothie all day long. S has a great appetite, and he wants to try everything. I am paralyzed in fear of him choking, so I need more baby steps when it comes to his eating. For now, everything is mush. I can’t handle giving him spears of this or that. The anxiety is not worth it. He will learn how to eat a cooked whole carrot at some point, I am sure. He eats a lot of rice with fish or meat, beans, and veggie soups. Jason makes a great squash soup that Simón devours and insists on picking up the bowl to drink. I tried this salmon and rice bowl the other night, that everyone loved. And my mom made a pesto pasta the other night, so I used some of the pesto in Simón’s rice. He shoveled it into his mouth. I’m trying to teach him about smaller bites or else he gags; I have a small heart attack with a calm face, explaining how to spit out your food. He does pretty well with a spoon. I didn’t realize how complicated it would be to feed a baby solid food. It is filled with psychological challenges I had no idea I was embarking on. But, we are getting better. Apple is always close behind to pick up his mess.

We moved in with my mom recently. Since then, Simón has been spending a lot of time on her balcony watering the plants. When we come inside, all he wants to do is vacuum or use the dust pan. I think my compulsion for cleaning is rubbing off on him.

It’s been too hot to walk in the afternoons, so we play inside or run some errands until nap time rolls around again. I’ve been drawing lately, once he’s down, if my right hand is free. Daydreaming about some future plans and sketching them out.

He wakes around 4:30pm. Nana is home from work, and S is very excited. He jumps out of my arms into hers. We all rotate cooking dinner and watching S. The evenings are my turn to walk A. Sometimes, we all go out together, to get some air and walk off the meal.

Tonight, we’re going to a friend’s, and Jason is making fried chicken. I’ll bring some rice for S, and he’ll have it with some curry that Jason is also making, with some fish from last night. Buen provecho, then back to our little island.

The etymology of consciousness comes from the Latin word conscientia, which meant joint knowledge; a shared awareness. Yes, the hero’s journey starts with you; I believe that we must begin with ourselves if we want to facilitate change in the world. But, this also isn’t just about you or me, the individual. It’s about all of us. And, if we all look within, we realize that we share the same truth. We are all connected. We are all divine. We are all one.

I try my best to practice conscious consumerism; being super mindful with what I buy and bring into my home. Understanding where an object comes from, who makes it, how it impacts their community and the planet. It all matters. When putting together our baby registry, I really tried to only ask for essentials, little to no plastic, and buying secondhand when I could. We did well. Our home didn’t get bombarded with a bunch of baby gear. We used everything and everything had a purpose. But, what I noticed was that so many of the things companies were trying to sell me were to replace human connection and the importance of community.

Postpartum, my husband had paternity leave, and I was lucky that he was cooking for us, walking the dog, and taking care of my son and I however he could. My mom lived close and would come over a few times a week to help me with the baby. Our friends and family chipped in and supported us. And even with that, no one had a moment to themselves; everyone was constantly working.

I think about how other cultures live. I think about how important community is, and how disconnected we have become from one another. From birth, our society tells us to train our newborn to be independent: don’t nurse to sleep, don’t co-sleep, don’t nurse after your baby is X old, let them cry it out on their own. And, it continues as we get older: get a job as soon as you can, go away for school so you don’t come home on the weekends, don’t move back in after college.

But, our babies need us. And, college kids need us. And, adults need us. We all need each other. You can’t replace community resources with some plastic contraptions you find on Amazon. The lack of support from our government bleeds into the next sellable item to keep the cycle going. But, it’s not working. Our society is sick. We are tired. We are lonely.

I don’t know what the answer is, but if it’s not going to come from the top down, it has to come from us, the bottom up. We have to build the foundation to create the change and support we all deserve and need. This extends far beyond childcare. It’s needed across the world. The elderly, the people in Gaza, immigrants. What do we do? How do you do support your community? Please share so we can be informed and inspired to help.

The goal of the hero trip

down to the jewel point

is to find those levels in the psyche

that open, open, open,

and finally open to the mystery

of your Self being

Buddha Consciousness

or the Christ.

That’s the journey.

~ Joseph Campbell

I am no stranger to victimhood. I’m not talking about being in a dangerous situation - I am talking about self-inflicted victim mentality. It’s a tough space to dwell, because there is usually an entitlement attached to it, which creates a lot of delusion. And when there is delusion, it’s like you’re stuck in the mud.

You know I’m a huge fan of Joseph Campbell. He writes about the hero’s journey a lot. That’s our life - we are the hero of our own journey. Or, not. We could also choose to be the victim or the villain. By now, you also know I love Elise Loehnen. She had Melissa Febos on her podcast recently, and Melissa was talking about studying herself in relationships to get to the root of why they weren’t working. One fascinating thing she discovered was that she was outsourcing her power and self-esteem by luring people in and feeding off of their attention. It was this quick, unsustainable rush. And she realized she wasn’t acting like the hero of her own love stories, which she had so often told herself. That really clicked with me. I haven’t been acting like the hero! I have been sitting around wallowing, expecting something to just fall into my lap.

It’s so hard to change our thought patterns. It is so hard. The mind is powerful. But it is the mind that creates separateness, unworthiness. Lately, when I’m met with frustration in my head about not being where I want to be, I remember that I am the hero of my journey. Heroes go through countless struggles; they are constantly met with obstacles. But, they endure. They keep trying.

It can be easy to complain, to wish things were different than they are. But, this is our life. Right now. Even in these increasingly difficult times. It is a gift to be alive and experiencing the world through this body. Remind yourself of that. As often as you need to. As Taryn Toomey would say, “What if it were all a love story?” Fight for it. With love.

Last week, I wrote about the 5 Phases coming up for me again. When I first started them, I knew they were much bigger than myself. They were too much for me to contain. Today, I want to talk about how I’ve been working on raising my energetic vibration, in order to hold enough space for them.

When discussing energy, I think it makes much more sense to look at the connection of all things, and how one thing affects another. If I want to rise up to my highest self, I need to listen to what’s being communicated to me, and then take aligned action.

But first, we must take responsibility for ourselves - our wellbeing, our freedom, our peace, our joy. We have to participate in the process. No one will do it for us. The process will be more easeful with humility, patience and simplicity. But it is not necessarily easy. It takes dedication, but the work can actually be really enjoyable once you find what works for you.

Carve out space in order to get very quiet, to sift through the noise, and listen to what’s true deep within. The body plays a massive role in this process, because it is constantly communicating with us. I’ve had to cut out alcohol because my body cannot handle even the smallest amount anymore. I don’t sleep well, I feel awful the next day, I get anxious, I get lightheaded. Becoming a mother has helped me greatly with this. My body was telling to me for years that I was abusing my alcohol intake. But I needed help from something outside of myself to actually make the change. I wasn’t in a place where I was going to do it for myself alone. Caffeine has been harder for me, but I have significantly cut back. It was causing anxiety and digestive issues. Sugar, another one. I have a big sweet tooth, but lately I can feel it affecting me more, in similar ways to jitters from caffeine intake. Okay, body, I hear you. Thank you for letting me know. I’m not perfect. I don’t always take the aligned action. But, it’s good to know what happens when I do and when I don’t: learning balance and moderation, healthy relationships, listening to yourself, and seeing how one thing affects another. The body communicates in so many different ways. Start to take notice of when things are out of balance and need adjusting. Ask questions: why are my shoulders tight; why are my sinuses clogged; why aren’t I sleeping well? What happens if I cut back on this?

It doesn’t have to be all serious. This isn’t about perfection, it’s about experimentation - playing, learning, growing. I weave pleasure and beauty into my day, so that taking care of myself becomes a sacred ritual that brings me joy. It’s exciting and something I look forward to. Like, taking care of my skin. I’ve always been obsessed with skincare, so I love washing my face and applying different products. Or cooking. Going to the farmers’ market and preparing a fresh meal, from food I trust, truly lights me up. It’s fun for my family and keeps us all healthy.

I’m a big believer that we have all the tools and answers within us, but sometimes we need outside help in order to see our power. Here are some resources I use when I need support:

Alexis Smart Flower Remedies: Alexis makes remedies for animals, kids and adults. I’m currently taking Safe & Sound, and I have our pup on First Aid Kit. Both are good for anxiety, transitions, and seeing the joy in life.

ReSynch with Carissa: last Friday of every month for a collective check-in and spiritual realignment.

Carla Schwiderski of AuraCare: I have a session with her in August and am really looking forward to it. This Q&A is excellent and totally blew me away. Her & her family’s gifts are astounding.

Acupuncture: this is a great way to understand what your body might be communicating. Traditional Chinese Medicine looks at the body holistically and can connect the dots as to what unseen effects might be having on you.

CAP Beauty: for all my skincare needs & beyond.

You know when you go out, and you forget your phone at home? The agony and anxiety it creates! Time passes, and you are finally reunited with it to see all the calls and texts that you’ve missed. That reunion is always a bit of a let down, because most of the time, you haven’t missed a single thing. Not of any importance.

This morning, I felt a real need to breathe very deeply - I lay with my son while he naps, and I usually try and meditate for a bit, but it has been boring me lately. But, today, there was a strong surrendering to it. My lungs needed to be filled and stretched widely. I needed to clean them. So, I laid and breathed.

Clear messages of needing to learn to RECEIVE have been coming through. I flipped my palms up towards the sky to signal my openness to receiving. (Palms flipped down are for grounding.) In my receiving, the 5 Phases came up.

Not in order, because they technically don’t exist in any order; they come whenever they come, feeding one another, existing simultaneously. Fill the well, I’ve been hearing. HEAL.

The urge to open my eyes and look at my phone was coming through strongly. I put so much hope that my phone will bring my savior. That I will miraculously get a message on there that will change the trajectory of my life, and all my problems will be solved.

I stayed in my meditation. LET GO.

I was reading last night that grief comes whenever any sort of change takes place. I think I have been going through a massive inner transformation over the past 5-6 years, more intensely over the last 4. And over that time, I have needed to grieve my former life. Such a big part of my identity was someone who drank, who loved going out. Would my friends still like me if I didn’t do those things? (Yes.) But, I realized last night that I am still having a very difficult time letting go of my attachment to the external. My mind relies so much on something outside of myself to change my life; hoping that there’s something coming to save me - not fully giving into my own power and capacity. Not fully recognizing that I hold all the answers within me. Not fully being in TRUST.

In 2020 and 2021, I channeled the 5 Phases over the course of about 8 months.

TRUST / LET GO / HEAL / RECEIVE / WHOLENESS

I had become obsessed with Feng Shui and wanted to study the deep roots and meanings of it, not the superstitions. What I discovered was an uncovering of the power we hold within and how to play around with the Universe to understand subtleties, the mundane, different forms of communication, healing, and a real nurturing of self and our life. It was so profound, so heady, much bigger than I.

Yeshua says that your vibration must be higher than that of your vehicle’s, otherwise you cannot sustain or manage it.

I tried selling the 5 Phases. Packaging it in a suitable way. It sustained me financially for a bit, but over time I didn’t know how to keep it going. So, I dropped it. Lately, its teachings have been coming back, wanting to be shared. So, I’ve been working on raising my vibration.

We begin again.

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In college, I loved 19th century British literature. As an English major, we would dissect these novels, and I would constantly be looking up words because the language was so different. I found this fascinating. The writing was direct and yet multifaceted. Each sentence had so much depth to it; every word chosen with intention. But, it could be interpreted differently based on one’s perspective and understanding of the words. The classes felt like an investigation into something.

When I wrote about serving through joy, the original title was “my service”, but that didn’t feel right. And, no wonder - the etymology of service comes from servus which meant slave. I was triggered by that word, and seemingly for good reason. So, what if we use offering in place of service. Offer comes from the Latin word offerre which meant to bestow or present. And, interestingly in ecclesiastical Latin, it was used to offer to God. Which in the context of that piece makes perfect sense. If you are connected to source and give your output to the world, you are sharing a co-created manifestation of your spirit. An offering of the Divine speaking through you. A reflection of God within self.

I studied yoga to understand it deeply. Its purpose is to prepare the body through poses, so you can sit comfortably in meditation, to then clear the mind. If you prepare yourself well, you are able to be in the present with more ease. One leads to the other, yet they exist within one another.

I studied food around the world to understand it in different cultures. What growing, gathering, cooking. and sitting down for a meal means to different people. How growing practices, the health of the soil and animals affect our planet, our health, our wellbeing and joy. Foods grown in nutrient rich soil are full of vitamins and minerals. Food grown in soil that has withstood years of chemicals and mono-cropping contains significantly less health benefits and has the chemical treatment within it, which you then consume. One thing affects another and the impact ripples out.

I studied Feng Shui to get beyond the superficial superstitions and see its original intent. That took me on a dive into various branches of Traditional Chinese Medicine, philosophy, art and urban planning. The most important thing I learned was from The Web That Has No Weaver by Ted Kaptchuk; he says that chi (also referred to as energy), is more so the thought that everything is connected. This was a huge influence for me writing the 5 Phases of House Play, which was inspired by the Chinese philosophy Wuxing; how one thing affects another. I applied this to the way in which I lived and did a deep self-study through my connection with everything. If one thing affects another, then everything is connected, and if everything is connected, then everything matters.

I love diving into subjects, getting to their core, absorbing them, then letting them go to understand them in the context of my own life. I think that’s why I don’t subscribe to dogmatic religion - there’s no room for perspective, for other. I went to religious schools for 13 years growing up, but as I got older, I realized it wasn’t for me. It’s always been interesting to me, the people that lose their religion when they go to study it deeper. I think that’s why I have such an interest in Joseph Campbell. He brings a beautiful interpretation of scripture, one that makes far more sense to me. There’s a fascinating episode on Elise Loehnen’s podcast Pulling the Thread, where she talks with Bible scholar Dan McClellan, PhD, about what the Bible does and doesn’t say, and how religion has distorted it from its origins over time.

What is true? In its original form, truth meant reliable or faithful; it didn’t have anything to do with being factual. Right vs Wrong. It was more about Trust. How can you prove truth when discussing something that is faith-based? Is there not enough room for my truth and for yours; for my faith and for yours? Can they both be true at the same time? Just packaged differently? For some, it’s religion, for others, maybe it’s found in meditation, nature, movement, art.

For the last couple years, I seem to be curious in studying what the deep meaning of God is. To put it simply, I believe that God is the connection of all things. And the interesting thing is, I learned the same thing with yoga, with food, and Feng Shui. And in studying all those other areas is actually what helped me understand God, in my own way. One led to the other. Everything is connected. I think at their core, a lot of religions say the same thing as one another. It’s sad to me that this can’t be seen and is used as an excuse for conflict, oppression, hierarchy, violence, war.

We start within, with ourselves. If everything is connected, then my tending to my wellbeing, my truth, will ripple out into the world as a simple offering.

Follow the things you find fascinating, even if you have no idea why you’re drawn to them. You never know where they might lead.

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CONSTANT (Constant Nieuwenhuys), Femme Oiseau (Bird Woman), 1949

I was first introduced to the concept that everything is a mirror, in my mid-twenties. But, I could not wrap my head around it; it didn’t compute. With time and a lot of self-reflection, I can see it now, but it’s still difficult! And it usually takes some more time and space and reflection, on any given situation.

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As a kid, I was bullied for years. She claimed she was my best friend. I was terrified of her.

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When switching over to Substack, I said that I’d been writing to some of you for 15 years. I haven’t really gotten over that. When I started writing regularly, it was a simple blog to explore my interests. I had no idea I’d be doing a similar vein of it today.

I’ve been thinking lately about the paths that brought me where I am. The major things that have shaped the way I live. The expectations I placed on some of them, the disappointment that came because of that, and the gratitude in hindsight.

Yoga was the first thing that really started connecting the dots for me of how one thing affects another: the mind-body-soul connection; our relationship to food; the importance and responsibility of our wellbeing; the power of meditation and the breath. I remember one day during my teacher training, I was in a state of bliss after a meditation, thought I’d figured it all out. If I could just stay in this little bubble in Bali, meditate, do yoga, eat well, I’d be happy. I could avoid all my problems back home and remain in this state. Later that day, I was reading Desikachar, and he said, “Yoga is not passive. We have to participate in life. To do this well we can work on ourselves.” I laughed. Of course. I couldn’t avoid the world and think all of my problems would be solved. We must interact with it, engage in it. Participate. What does that look like? When life happens, how do we respond? As they say, it’s never the issue itself but how we relate to the issue.

I took this in Ubud, Bali in 2011 during my yoga teacher training. That trip planted a seed for taking photos and seeing that I might have an eye for it.

When I got home from that training, I was at a place where I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do for work. I knew I needed to do something that I was passionate about. I narrowed down my interests and tried intersecting them: food, travel, writing and some sort of service component.

I started developing the Shade Market Project. In 2015, Jason and I studied cultures through their foodways around the world. It didn’t at all turn out how I’d thought. At one point we were talking with a network to make our project into a TV show. In another moment, I was home and back working at my old job. It felt like nothing had changed, even though everything had. It was extremely depressing and confusing coming home. Many of our well-intentioned plans for the project didn’t work out. But, I did gain a lot of incredible knowledge that I still lean on almost daily. Those experiences informed the way I eat, the way I travel, the way I live. I was writing and taking hundreds of photos almost daily.

Morning market, Luang Probang, Laos, 2015

I look at House Play. Work I was so captivated by. I thought I’d found it - my calling, my passion - my success was just around the corner! I had channeled that work! How could it not be it? It was a creative process I had never experienced before. But it didn’t take off. What it did do was completely shape the way in which I write today. That work had me exploring life from a lens of beauty, of connection, the Unseen, healing, devotion to your whole being - things I am totally immersed in that have helped heal and shape me into who I am.

In Oaxaca, where I put House Play into form, 2021.

I think for a long time I subdued the things I really wanted. Or tried packaging them in a way that made some sort of commercial sense, which led to me doing a lot of things I actually didn’t want to do. Even though I’ve done some incredible things! I am constantly blown away by the programming embedded in us that says we have to do things a certain way. I have spent a lot of my life trying to do things differently, but even then I wasn’t fully listening to myself - I didn’t know how. It takes a lot of dedication to listen to yourself and develop that trust.

This voice inside of me, it’s quiet but it’s clear; it tells me when I need to do something. I’m trying to be a better listener. I don’t know where I am heading, but I’m trying to trust that all roads have led me here and will continue to lead me on my path. I thought I had excavated a lot of my layers but lately things seem to be coming to light more and more. Which, I hope to be sharing here.

It’s a different way of living. It’s a different way of listening. It requires patience and letting go of control which is hard. It requires trust and taking responsibility. But there is a freedom in it that feels exciting. I have asked myself this before, and it’s time to ask again: What would my life look like if I were to really listen?

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Very soon I will have some of my photos available for sale. They look incredible in large format. The first series will be out later this week, with more coming soon. Keep an eye on your inbox for details.

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The etymology of my name comes from the word page, which referred to a young male servant in a noble household. I love my name, but this always felt a bit disappointing to me. Maybe subconsciously it kept me in servitude longer than I would have liked.

At 15 years old, I proudly got a job working at a wonderful market and restaurant that I still love today. I learned a lot about food, and it greatly influenced my career and how I cook. I went on to work at incredible restaurants and held high positions among some of the best in the industry. And even though I can look back with appreciation, I do think our society has an incredibly unhealthy relationship with work. The service industry is not known to be an easy one, but what I’m talking about is certainly not exclusive to it.

By my late twenties, I was so burned out, I never wanted to work again. I’m not a lazy person. If I am passionate about something, I give it my all. But I had a hard time getting out of jobs that weren’t right for me; jobs where I was providing a service and was suffering from it. I haven’t been able to hold a job in years because of this. It hurts my whole being to be working in a way that doesn’t light me up. But how do you survive in our society if you aren’t working?

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The past few years have held profound transformations in my life. I went from living in Mexico, being the happiest I have ever been, the closest to living my dreams actualized; to moving to LA feeling the most stuck, confused, isolated and broke.

I can’t help but wonder if it is my relationship with the Divine that has sparked these odd years. Before moving here, I read The Freedom Transmissions channeled by Carissa Schumacher. Carissa is a psychic, medium and channel for Yeshua. I would describe Yeshua as the avatar for who we know as Jesus, but maybe better seen as a representative of the Divine. The Freedom Transmissions spoke deeply to me. It connected the dots of my understanding of so many things.

I feel the need to state that I am not religious. Spiritual, yes. I have struggled to mention God in my writings at all, because of my own complex relationship to the word, as well as others. I love Joseph Campbell and Carl Jung, and exploring the God within Self. My spiritual path is very prominent in my life, and something immensely important to me and my development. It’s something I’ve been writing about for years but not as overtly.

When I got to LA, I noticed that certain things started becoming increasingly difficult for me. I couldn’t find a way to make money. Jobs weren’t the right fit or were unavailable, and my own work wasn’t taking off.

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