welcome back to PSV, sorry its been a long long time since i posted, but istg i will be more consistent!!

How have you been?
Have you been eating well?
I hope you have been doing well, if you're not, my dms are always open for you vent. No matter what it is, if you just want someone to listen, or just to sit quietly with someone, i hope you know that I'm here for you, and I WANT TO listen to you. I’m incredibly proud of you, and i hope you start any day fresh, anew. Love you loads, DRINK WATER ALSO

Anyways, Here's what’s up with me.

Basically April was exams and bullshit like that tbh
May and June, Internships, and majorly trying to find the will to live in this society tbh. I worked at a government hospital for a month; not technically work, mostly observationship and shadowing a doctor, and omg i could write a whole another article about it. Anyways, I've been having fun lately, exhausted in all the good ways, and worried sometimes about my future and the kind of time I'm putting into things that i love, i feel like i could chill out a little bit, but who are we kidding, I'm the last person to chill out 🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Anyways, I'm not sure how i feel about these past few weeks actually
I kept held onto something that i must’ve let go of 8 months ago, ended after 2hrs 59mins 42secs. I don’t know anything for certain. I don't know if that is for the best or if it will haunt me. What i do know is that, it ended.
I believe that sometimes you have to let go of things, on order to find who you truly are. I mean the parties included in this, including me, believe that it's total bullshit. But if i wanna make mistakes, go bungee jumping, or even do things that i, cannot mention here, i don't wanna think about anything. Oh you might think that its all accountability, shit like that, but for me, it's learning still. It might sound stupid, but its about me stopping to care what people think, as a people pleaser myself, i keep craving validation from others.

It's like a needy little girl wearing a red hood during Halloween pretending to be little red riding hood because she cannot let people notice that she's broke, homeless, dirty, starving, sleep deprived, trying to make her ends meet, gathering candy that could sustain her till the end of the month, and return to polishing shoes, and making ugly paintings on the walls. But all she gets to hear is “Oh, please find help”, “Sit and figure it out”, when they don't have the GUTS to admit that it is not her fault for trying to make her ends meet nor the fact that she's having to make bad art. Oh but who is to blame?
She will grow up one day, illiterate of her own life, history, culture, her own mistakes. She keeps making bad decisions one after the other, while the people around her age thrive on billboards and magazines that she doesn’t know how to read. Everyone seems to be thriving in and around the world but she is scared, because her courage was downplayed, and people humiliate her, and get disgusted by her presence in the room. well, what room? because she wasn’t invited to any.

In the end you're just the wolf pretending to the grandma, unaware that you're going to be killed, or not. what do we know.

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Sound familiar? No? Good for you, I'm glad that it doesn’t

Anyways, my point is, I did not work so hard on myself and pick up bits and pieces of my life for everyone to just ask me to buckle up and heal. If it were that easy, I'd be thriving right now, trust. I'm awfully sad that i can no longer hold on. I will miss it very much, so much so. I hope they know that, “goodbye” was never enough.

It was my decision. I know. But I'm not any less worthy of grieving it.
you noticed it. you noticed how my voice cracked, and when i was about to cry. But what you said hurt me too. I'd rather be whacked in the head than let someone think that i wasn't going to be there for them. But i apologize still that it had made you feel this way. I don’t want to go through it all over again. and i don’t want YOU to hold onto it either. You'll always be in my prayers, and i hope you find the strength to do everything that you wanna do in life.

If the pretend red riding hood, resonated with you, or any part of the newsletter, or wannna talk about literally anything!! here's a small vent box that you can vent out to

VENT BOX!!!!

It's completely anonymous, and you can leave out your email ID/ Social Media if you wanna connect through text.

With love,
V

I hope you are doing well.

There is so much in this world, many scary, many beautiful.
I found myself doomscrolling on instagram, looking at someone's change, someone's love, someone's grief, and someone's happiness, art, nature, and so much more.

I felt quite emotional at the time. (i almost sobbed)
I opened the group chat at 2am in the morning on 11th June, typing the following paragraphs, I fell in love with the world, again, it's art, hope, and how much it has to offer and how much yet there is to explore.
I thought you would like reading it, so here it goes-

I love being alive so much there is so much art
Colour
Beauty
Kindness
Everywhere

Oh my god i cannot wait to see the world, explore
Places
Cuisines
Languages
Dances
Music
symbols of love.
And so muchh more

I wanna know about the world
So bad
So bad
So bad
It’s so beautiful out there

The very existence of universe is so immaculate,
how lucky am I to know this feeling,
how lucky am I to be able to gain so much knowledge,
how lucky am I to be able to feel so many emotions
to feel alive
to feel upset
to feel content
to feel empty
to feel sad
to feel fulfilled
to feel angry
Oh, how lucky am I

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How beautiful it is to have things that make you feel these things
How wonderful the world is
Perfectly placed pieces of puzzle
Perfectly aligned to make you, to make me, to make us
Exist.

How wonderfully the world has been crafted
How beautiful is the spectrum of visible light,
and how exciting it is that there is so much more that we can’t see but exists
How beautiful it is to be able to know that there is so much more,
beyond this universe
The galaxy
The stars
The moon
Black holes
Plasma
And so many possibilities
That exists just for you
How amazing it is to experience this second right now,
To be able to feel through your senses, how the air flows, how you feel when it goes through your body
Every movement of your body is so intricate, that runs free.

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So many more organisms exist, so beautifully fallen in place
How beautifully nature contradicts itself
How beautiful it is when its cold and foggy
How beautiful it is to be at the beach in the hot sun.
To be able to see how we evolved,
how beautiful,
how beautiful

I hope I live to see as much as I can before i become one with nature
Perishing bit by bit while being alive.
I know I will always exist,
in memory,
in hearts,
in notebooks,
in space,
in nature,
a part of time;
In this vessel I call my body.

For I’ll exist even if my form perishes
For I am a part of the universe,
and the universe, a part of me.

I hope this makes you as warm, fuzzy and excited as I felt while writing it

Cheers to you, the universe and existence <3

See you soon!

With all the love from within, and the universe,
V.

Mother
1
[noun] : a woman who is thought of as being like a mother

2
[verb]: to be or act as mother to (someone) : to care for or protect (someone) like a mother

Source: The Britannica Dictionary

I particularly like these definitions because they don't build walls referring to bondage based on biological connection. It is very abstract and shows how deeply it is connected to one another.
The first definition, especially shows mother in the perspective of the person being mothered, and the other shows the mother themselves.

My first love for art, the first human who taught me things, my first heartbreak, it has always originated from the place i was taught to call my house/home; From my mother who birthed me, to my sister, to my grandparents, aunts, and every close relative. Everyone had something to teach, something to learn from, and you know what they all had in common? They all cared. About one another.

I am writing this article as a testament to all the gratitude to all the people who have nurtured me throughout the years. From my family to the house helps, from strangers to the closest friends, from teachers to professors; to everyone who has come to my life.

To all the poets and artists I’ve met when I was 14

Storytime, I was 14 when i first entered the poetry community in instagram. I had a very promising account, amazing poet friends who were all older than me. I used to be excited to make new friends, and they found me when i was in a very rough patch in life. No one ever considered me very close in the beginning, but, slowly and steadily, i got closer to few amazing poets who are still my best friends.

Poetry always found its way to me. Through creeks of the roads, giggles of kids in the park, rustling leaves, sound of concrete mixing, and at the ripe age of 14, through Instagram, in the community. I have realized over the years how conversations with all these incredible poets had made me better at not only how i hold conversations but also how i empathize with people. There is something so deep and intricate about poetry when you know the person behind the pen. Every woman i have known there, has nothing but been kind to me, my experiences, and respected me as an equal. and i appreciate it so incredibly much. I miss them very much and i don’t think they know how grateful i am, to have met them in this life. Everything from their stories, to their comments, to their kindness, to their poetry. I have seen how kind a person can be, and how beautiful humans can become, and how beautiful You as a person can become, despite the hardships, and wrongdoings.

They have taught me how to be kind. If not taught, I modelled them, i learnt. I am so glad to have come across such amazing humans, I wish all of them, from the bottom of my heart, a very happy mothers day. I hope you have amazing life ahead, I hope a part of you will always remember me, and i hope my prayers always reach you, no matter how far away you are geographically.
I am 20 now, and i hope i am at least half as kind as you were to me when you were in your 20s.

I am the fruit of what has nurtured me so far. It was not only sunny clear skies and the dribble rain, but it was also resistance to the storms, adaption to the changes, and the courage to grow. Who am i without the storms, and who i would have been if it weren’t for small ray of hope that i sought?

To my dearest mother,

Despite the cries in our bedrooms, despite the few misunderstandings that we have, i hope you know that i am very very grateful to have you as my mother. All the sacrifices that you have made for your children, for everything you have done for us that no one else knows about. I hope you know that I am so full of gratitude for everything you provide, and for the struggle you go through to provide for us. I love you, and i hope you know that i always will.
Thank you for always choosing us, over and over again, even when the responsibility felt like too much. I deeply care for you.
I love how resilient you are, and how you kept on going even when life was hard on you. I love that you never give up, not only when it comes to your family, but everywhere else in life. You are such an amazing amazing human, i can’t even begin to tell you about it. I love your cooking and how much of a perfectionist you are. You are brave, confident, resilient, caring, and loving, There are not enough adjectives to describe how amazing of a human you are. I hope you see that, and i hope you know that there is always someone who believes in you, the way you believe in me, without doubt.

To all the teachers, lecturers, and profs,

I have read once in my boarding school’s hostel, it says, “Parents are your first teachers, and teachers are your second parents.” I was awestruck by this quote. It was something that describes this, comfortable feeling of being able to rely on your teachers, for help or anything. From the hostel warden to my current profs, many teachers have always believed in me, and have always guided me. They are amazing people who cared of many, and nurtured each of us differently, based on our needs. Even when they had their own personal life problems to deal with they were always there, no matter how much many hated them at the moment they have all acted as mother figures to all of us at some point. Thank you for everything.

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To my close & extended family,

Being in an environment where love and support first comes through your family, there was so much one has to teach and so much there is that one can learn. From the tiniest gestures to how you react, Everything comes from a place that holds you together, I value the kind of figures you have been to me, and how you taught me how to live courageously.

To my sister, and seniors,

Thank you for always quietly pushing me and encouraging me to go beyond what i believe i could do. Thank you for all the times when you quietly had my back, for all the times i could lean on you, for always lifting my calls and for always being there for me. Thank you for always letting me be vulnerable around you. You have inspired me, and showed me that mistakes happen, and that it is a part of life. You showed me that it's okay to me weak, that it means that you have room for growth, and how to be brave a these times. I appreciate every single thing that you have always guided me with, We grow together, and there is nothing more that i would want more.

To every woman who pours endlessly into others,

You are strong,
You are brave,
You are kind,
You are human.

There is no other person in this universe who is as strong and resilient, wether you know it or not, you might have consciously or subconsciously have impacted any ones life in a positive light, i hope you are protected, and safe. Thank you for all the unseen sacrifices. Your tenderness and resilience make the world a better place.

To the women who have lost their mothers or children, I send you love, comfort, and strength

May everyone who have ever mothered, may you feel honored, appreciated, and cherished, everyday, not just on mothers day.

Thank you. Happy mothers day

With love and support,
V.

I hope you are doing great! (if not, you can always talk to me)

AHhhhh I am late, again, for march postcard. I’m honesyly quite upset as to how im so stupidly late again after saying “OH OMG I’M GOING TO TRANSFORM INTO THE PUREST FORM OF DICIPLINE, THE EPITOME OF CONSISTENCY” Yea, its not happening. I have become an incredibly slow reader again. I started 2 books last month, both of which i have only read one-thirds of. I have been thinking of things to do and how to spark the learning interest, to explore and to live and so on, but it is surprisingly taking time; and I’m learning to be patient too.

anyways.

Here are few things about March 2026

I went on my first ever trek!!

Omg how exciting is thattt!!!! I’ve gone for my first ever trek! I first wanted to go for a trek during highschool, because many of my friends were going, but i couldnt because lol reasons, anyways, that aside, I WENT ON MY FIRST EVER TREK AND IT WAS SO SO SO AWESOME. I went with our club and we got to learn about observation and so many fun facts about nature. It was incredibly awesome, i loved it so so much.

Went to the beach/ boat riding

Oh my god. trust me when i say this but i love love love absolutely love the beach, AND I GOT TO SWIM IN THE OCEAN WITH MY CUTIE PATOOTIE FRIENDS AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND I LOVE ALL OF THEM, AND THEY ARE SO NICE AD THEY ARE SUPER AWESOME AND- uhum clears throat so yea, i went to the beach with them and found awesome rocks, I went on the boat and it was so exciting.
I got back to the house 6 shades darker, with tangled and salty hair, sandy shoes and pockets, and a heart full of memories (ew corny, but i love)

Wrote my first ever Penpal letter

So, the bookclub that im a part of in college, as our flagship event, we exchange letters with a stranger for 4 weeks anonymously, last year it was exam szn hence i did not participate, but right now, i am because hehe it is such a cute concept. I did very little help with all the backend stuff, not alot but enough to say that i worked.

College- coursework

I’ve been loving our Indian and Transpersonal Psychology classes, and i love the fact that it introduces me to so much philosophy. Most ideas and concepts in the subject brings me down to thinking so much about life itself. I’m even trying to be brave and ask stupid questions, because I truly believe that you learn when you question and understand. AH. I LOVE I LOVE LEARNING. But i realize that i can ever put it to good use when i actually start acting upon the curiosity that is building up. Anyways.

EXAMS

Plis, there were so many assignments and exams, i hated everything, god it was so exhausting for me to be there sit still in one place and trying my level best to start studying without getting distracted. Oh my god. This month is going to be horrid. I am not looking forward for this.

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Seniors

It hasn’t properly hit me yet, that it is april already, and MANY PEOPLE who i love and spent time with in college are going to leave. Many people who I have spent alot of time with, people who taught me so many things, including how to survive in college. Everyone is hosting farewells, none of which I am going to/ planned. Don’t get me wrong. I love everyone, everyone who i know is leaving. Farewell makes it more real doesn't it? I will miss them incredibly alot. i wish they were not leaving ever. :(( but such is life. I hope they remember me and whatnot. imma go cry T-T

Media consumption

• I read one thirds of 2 books- Soldier Sailor, and Why The Poor Don't Kill Us.

• Read 3 substack articles

• Explored 2 concepts in philosophy - primarily through youtube

• Listening to Submarine album by The Mairas
  (Plissss looking at the band with 3 boys and 1 amazing female lead singer, reminded me of Trapnest from NANA, LMFAO I CANNOTTT)

Anyways. This is all i have for this month, see you again in April's post card.

Love you guys very much.

If you ever need anyone to talk to always remember that i am here for you. I am one message away. Please do not hesitate to reachout for help. You are not alone, i hope you remember that.

With all the love in the world,
V.

i hope life has been treating you well!!

Right now I’m doing quite well actually. I’m actually doing pretty good. I’ve finished exams, and I’m like, thank GOD OMG. It has been so exhausting, but it passed really soon.

Here are few things from feb from your beloved :P

BOOKS!!

I’ve underwhelmingly read only 3 books this month (I say “only” because I've read twice as much in the past month).

Life? Feelings?

This month has surprisingly well balanced when it came to emotional regulation and expression, as in- i cried when i wanted to, i was happy, i was upset, i was glad, i was disappointed, and i was satisfied.

this month was pretty good if you ask me

and I've also been trying to journal more consistently- which is NOT happening because i keep forgetting. send help plis.

We are humans

And the thing i understood the most is that none of us are good people, neither bad, we exist. although i have known this in theory in my head. I think i never applied it to myself. I beat myself up for making mistakes that hurt people even in the slightest of ways, I’ve been learning to accept apology, and understand to forgive myself when i make a mistake. I mean, mistakes cannot be undone, but i will give my best to make amends. I have done that before and i will still do it.

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Mistakes

Another thing I’ve realized over time is that I constantly put myself on a pedestal, again, i know in theory that we are all humans and we make mistakes, and the important thing is to learn from these mistakes, instead of accepting the wrongdoing and continuing the same mistake over and over again. I hope that i will remember this by heart and work on myself to get better everyday. I hope that i make mistakes, learn from them, and change, for the better. To be someone, who i could look up to.

Poetry account/ consistency

i have started posting in my poetry account again, pretty consistent if you ask me I’m posting at least once or twice a week, hhehehehhe.
I’m pretty proud of this actually. I need to start posting again, i will be able to this. I’ve been able to remember my academic goals again recently, and our professors asking us- “what more are you doing outside of academia, beyond syllabus?” is giving me this itch to start working on things more. and I’m learning to work on things I want to do in academia. To simply put it, working towards my career, one step at a time, slowly and steadily.
I hope I do get more consistent, and build discipline to achieve what i want to achieve. February has been really exhausting, full of exams, assignments, emotionally overwhelming parts in life.

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also feb is such a cute month this year perfect 4 weeks, i loveee

So, I end this month's review here, and i hope you guys are doing good, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m always here, just one dm/call away (a very bad and inconsistent replier, but i will reply hehe)
Thank you for reading, love y’all

with all the love and support,
Your V.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN??? I hope life has been kind to you!!

The first month of 2026 is ending, and it is nothing as what i expected it to be, trust me when i say this but, i have gone through so many sorts of emotions in this one small week, from being numb to being realllllyyyyy sad (cannot describe, haha) to being ignorant to letting everything effect me.

When i hit the big sad (simply put, extended sadness with existential crisis?) i really thought i will not be able to get out of it, There was a lot going on in terms of people around me, i understood that i keep putting myself on a pedestal, and that accountability goes both ways, because no matter how much i wanna resolve a conflict and misunderstanding, i will not be able to do it until the other person realizes and wants to talk about it. anyways.

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Jan was in a way, unsettling, uncomfortable but it was necessary, there were conversations, uncomfortable ones, breakdowns, feeling of misunderstanding, losing self and most importantly not understanding what was going on around me. My perception of time has gotten faster, mostly because of the repeated schedule, and the desperate plead to let this go by really fast.

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This month there were few new things that i have done-

Had lunch alone for the first time

This might not be that special but for me it kinda is because, in the beginning of college (mind you college, not the year) i swore to myself that i will never have lunch alone. Because at that time, the last thing i wanted to do was to be alone, and having lunch means, sharing jokes, food, laughter, if not, even eat in silence when you're upset, a feeling that you are not alone. This happened unconsciously, i was really hungry, and i was watching saikiK, so i just started eating, later i realised that there was no one else in the room, i did not mind it, but is surely was a little upsetting, i felt uncomfortable and happy.

Read 8 books this month!!!!!

WAAOOAAHAHH, I AM SO INCREDIBLY SURPRISED AT HOW MANY I FINISHED. They were not necessarily all big fat books, but I’m so incredibly proud of myself, because in 2025, and 2024, i have only read 4 books in total, and in 2023 i read 8 books, this is my first time reading so many books in such a short while!!!
I hope that i keep this up and develop this as a habit, because i love reading and learning, and i want to be able to express more freely

not keeping up with my goals

Honestly, i saw this coming, I haven't been productive at all and i feel like I'm getting lazier day by day, and i keep underestimating my potential. I want to take up more personal projects, and keep up with my goals, because that is also a component, for me to be able to feel truly free, happy, and creative.
Although, I am keeping up with expression, because expression becomes alot easier for me when accompanied by emotions, which i have been feeling alot of this month.

went on a trip with my family

It was fun honestly, it was during this trip that i have read most of the books haha! We visited temples and played games all night, it was fun. I was worried about people, hoping that they were doing well. I collected pretty seashells and so much more, in a way, i needed the break. Right after the trip i showered and went to college feeling so fresh, it was awesome

That is pretty much it, i do wanna yap more, but I dont think i have anything more to yap about.

SOOOOOOOOOOO, how has it been for you ?? i hope life is treating you nicely (if not tell me, we both can gang up and beat up life, jk) if you ever need someone to talk im always here for you, take care of yourselves. and i hope for the best, for you for me, and everyone else.

I hope you find the strength to wake up even on bad days and realize how amazing you are, and work on yourself. You can do THISSSS

toodles till the next postcard!

with love,
V.

Life has been so eventful lately, and I'm begging the universe to calm things around me so that i can take a breather, and oh my god, the things that have been happening! Quite exhausting tbh, but its okay because, this shall too, pass soon.

I've been trying to stay strong, and my sister told me about how emails have AI Summary, and that's so sad for me, because, i pour so much love into alll these long notes, believing that you read them, ahhhh. Its okay

I’ve been ruining things lately, for myself mostly, and for people around me. I hurt people, people started hating me (understandably so), I've been accused of things i havent done, caught in up in between bonds and self, and i’ve been quite selfish, and i believe that i still am.

2026 did not for sure have a great beginning, There is already alot of crying to sleep, introspection, contemplation, guilt, sadness, but there was also relief, care, affection, hope, and letting go
Wot the hell vai, its only been 9 days and you’re already yapping about things blah blah blah
SUSH. Let me be, i know it sounds absurd, you should listen to what has been going on in my life, because, honestly, wth??? It’s okay guys, we never learn, so its quite okay

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I feel like a wannabe blogger when i write this, i often contemplate if i should’ve just made this anonymous and just yap into the void, but then, it is what it is, i don’t even know if people are reading this anymore, because quite honestly, i personally wouldn’t read about an avg “just - turned - 20 - year old’s - im - still- figuring - it- out” newsletter

I’ve been feeling quite demotivated when i think of all these people that i was close to… Did i tell y’all about how half the people in my life who know me, just hate me because of the decisions i make?? And most of them hate me, many say that i market myself to seem like a good person, ouch. anyways

I'm thinking of joining our Block’s bookclub, i think that it will push me to start reading books, and achieve my awesome goal of finishing at least 5 books this year! quite ambitious i believe, because last year it was 10, and i couldn't even finish 5, although i did start reading 10 books, not at a time obviously.

I also started reading Frankenstein, and i have gotten so many incredible spoiler offers, very thoughtful but pleaassseeeee n0.
I'm also reading no longer human, I'm quite enjoying reading it actually
I’m excited to finish them heheheh.

I made preparations for this year, to calculate my progress and improvement, to change into a better person, for myself, and for people who are always with me, supporting me (forever grateful for them)

I wanted to do many things for the first week of 2026, but my past life decisions and discussions about the decisions, led me to not do it anymore, but its okay, better late than never ;)

That was it for this time, I’ll update y'all soon, till then, please take care of yourselves and be safe

hugs and kisses.xx
V.

I hope life has been well for you, mine has been pretty great! I hope you are having an amazing end of the year!
I’m doing pretty great because writing this postcard is the first thing that I'm doing after getting my laptop repaired hehehe (I’m sad about the never ending assignments tho, but i sure am exited to start personal projects!)

CROCHET! 🧶

Speaking of personal projects! I've learnt how to crochet, and so far i’ve been making hearts, and sunflowers! and i finished my first big project after so long!!!! I MADE A WHOLE SCARF!! I gave it to a close friend as a gift, it was fun making it, i cannot wait to make more! (and sell to get pocketmoney, BAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH- no actually, i wanna do this for da friends 😔)

20TH BIRTHDAY!

Again, i don’t like birthdays, but this year it was so fun, i really loved aahhhshhhhahahhhhhhh, I love my friends so so so freaking much they are the awesomest people in this whole universe, I’m so happy to have them in my life. I’m glad i entered 20 with these amazing people who are so close to me, they will always be in my prayers, and cross my mind every time i buy a souvenir.

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On the small day, I spontaneously decided to go on a heritage walk conducted by the history department, and i loved it so much omg, we walked around and explored places with my friends and classmates, the places were so beautiful, and we got to learn brief history of each place, and it was beautiful!

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2026

I’m honestly not that excited for new year because i don’t think i have done enough this year that was worth noting (my friends would say otherwise) but i kind of start working on myself better, i dont believe in the concept of starting anew every year, but i use new year as a checkpoint on how much progress I've made, physical health wise, mental health, social, academic, etc. Observing the last 2 years this time i decided to make half yearly check points, where i check progress every 6 months, out of 25 things, and habits i wanted to build in 2025, i have successfully finished 11 of them, and i’m proud of myself for that, now is time for reflection and improvement about this, vision boards never work for me because im not a very visual imagination person, so i find ways in which i can push myself in achieving my goals. I was over ambitious, but this time lets see how everything goes, im excited for the planning part heheheh

PSYCHOLOGY

Academics! we have fun professors this sem and we are diving deep into the subject, AKHHGDHGJAGAJFDGMFHN IM SO SO SO SOOOO EXCITED TO LEARN SO MANY MORE STUFF AAHHAHHHHHH. I sadly have not performed well in my 3rd sem, but its okay, we'll come around, and i need to work on myself too!

LIFE

I hope life is kinder to you, me, and everyone else, grief comes every now and then, but i hope that you always find the strength to come back up, and if you ever need anything i hope you do not hesitate to reach out for help. I’m proud of everything you have done this year, and i hope you come back stronger in 2026, I wish you well.

i hope you have an amazing weekend, and i wish you a very merry Christmas 🎄❄️🎁

With love,
your V.

i missed writing here so much. believe it or not, i have 4 pending drafts that i’ve wanted to post since august, and my personal life constantly let me down to the point where i had to stop everything for peace of mind.

and there were many posts that i stopped writing, many of which i never thought would be a reason for me to stop writing.

anyways…!

i hope life has been kind to you.
if it wasn’t, and if you wanna talk, you can always reach out to me, and i’ll be here to listen or stay with you in silence. <3

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anyways, i’m turning 20 soon BAHAHAHAHAHAH.

i’m excited because wth was 2025. hating on 2025. as a child, i loved my birthdays, and one day in 2016, i noticed how shitty each birthday was, and i started hating it.

and i’m excited for this one cuz finally, after so many days, i will get to spend it however i want (after college classes, ofc). but still, i don’t know why, but i’m excited for my birthday this year.

i used to desperately try to pass through it as soon as possible, but idk… i feel better about myself these days. i’m excited for it not because i was born that day, but just as any other day. isn’t it cute? idk, this feeling is so hard to explain.

the more i type, the more contemplative i get about my excitement, because i’m not excited for the day itself, but i’m excited about the kind of new experiences that i will allow myself to experience.

no more teenage dream and whatnot, lmfao.

i am excited about what the aftermath holds because 20 feels like a lot of responsibility, and idk what to do about it. and this uncertainty is exciting.

i have not done anything significant in these past years, but there is definitely a lot that i learnt about myself. and i feel like that is so awesome, because the more time progresses, the more experience i get. the more experience, the more reflection and introspection. and i feel like that is so beautiful.

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here are a few things i have NOT done:

i’m almost 20 and i didn’t hit more than half of my life goals
i’m almost 20 and i never learnt how to make chai
i’m almost 20 and i haven’t even read 25 books my whole life
i’m almost 20 and i don’t know how to drive a car
i’m almost 20 and i’ve never been out of this country
i’m almost 20 and i haven’t mastered any kind of skill
i’m almost 20??!???!?!?!!!!?!?!?!?!??? like omg WHAAAATTTTTTT

i hope that 20 is full of curiosity, expression, and ALOT of learning and art

here is something that i did do before turning 20:

very cliché, but i TRIED learning how to live, and i feel like i have made pretty good progress.
i know myself better, better and better each day.
i’m proud of myself for coming so far.
definitely not proud of the things that could’ve been under my control but i chose to ignore. cuz i’m stupid, but its okay, ill learn hehe

anyways! Tell me about you! how is life for you?
tell me about something that you found interesting, or literally anything, you reach out to me on substack or my poetry account “helenepoetry” on instagram
I know i have promised that i will be consistent, but lmfao
with another promise/ hope that i start getting more consistent, TOODLESSSS

with so much love,
your V.

how have you been? I hope you have been doing well.
i hope life is treating you well.

I know i have been inactive, but man, i didn't know what is going on with my life, I hope i stay consistent from now on lol. anyways, last few months have been hectic, quite honestly, i love the chaos my life and my decisions give to me. I’ve been thinking so much about my decisions and where i am right now, and the more I think about it, the more I feel like I’m making bad decisions, that includes, leaving the space you once called home (I’m sure irl people must be tired of hearing this) and not finding a place where it is adventurous, a place where you can learn, and grow. College life has been stagnant for awhile, same old events, same old excel sheets, “meeting at 4”, marketing reel shoots, etc.
Not one day in this whole semester have i enjoyed the classes i’m un for the degree i fought for 5 years to get into. Not even my favorite subject excites me anymore. I miss looking forward for an event, I miss not being able to romanticize things that i do. It was pretty exciting at first, but it feels like its been diminished the moment i steped into it. ykwim? I took a break from all the clubs that im in, its been half a month, and I still do not feel least bit motivated. I left few places, stepped down from positions, and quite honestly, rotting?

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This stupidly sad stuff aside, here are few things that made me quite happy

• A friend read one of my substack posts and said that im a great writer, and that i should do this often

• I got back into reading! (i finally picked up Norwegian Wood, and decided to finish i, i finished reading metamorphosis)

• I decided to start writing again

I know that im not a very great person with alot of achievements and commitments, but i also know that it is okay to not committing something. it only makes me feel bad because, when everyone has mo problem going through with it, why am i the only one contemplating?
I’m not the best at anything. But im trying to be.
but what can i do when everyone is just letting me slip away, while im trying to find atleast one reason to stay. Am i not valued enough for the place, that they let me go, or did they believe that its the right decision for me to leave?
And i know that it's selfish of me to think that people would value me, while i make decisions that force them to let me slip away.

anywayssss, sory for making y’all feel like I’ve been depressed, no. I’m. not, I’m just bored of stability, i wanna do fun stuff, hehehh, also ive been watching Dr stone with my bsf, and also suits, and oouuu its fun. Me being depressed, feeling guilty and, even being scared is helping me realise how precious my past is for me, and how loved i am too, for that matter. And i find it intresting how we believe that our lives are a reflection of what we are feeling in the present. in the gist, we forget how wonderful past experiences are and how wondrous each one can be. and i hope i grow up to be a person who'll help people find the feeling, the feeling that youre truly living.

Tomorrow's a monday, and ughhh i dont wanna go to college, nor stay in the house, i just wanna sleep, while hugging my fav plushie, that my sister keeps stealing :((

Now I'm going to go to youtube and see videos that might motivate me to go to college. hopefully, somehting that will excite to go and start studying too.

heres things that i wanna do this week (realistic)-

• Learn atleast a bit about poster-making

• finish my biodiversity record

• finish reading the book that i started (Norwegian wood)

See you guys next week, love yall, also, what's up with your lifeeee?? lmkk!!

P.S- next post will be about events that took place, like outtings, anoll, im excited to make that post, cuz, such cute pictures heheheh

love love,
V.

I'm never telling them anything about my life except the major stuff.
They don't need to know. Even if they did, they wouldn't understand.
The shallow mind of human dimensions fails to understand complex matters of things that aren't their own.
I deprive my child of love merely because of anger, a child full of love that only exists in my dream. For I could never bring a child into this world that is so vast yet so shallow. For I was raised wrong, and I'm afraid I'll pass it on. Every day is a new day, full of uncertainty and terror of what the future holds.
I will not bring my child into a world where worth is defined by pieces of paper that can be printed in a neighborhood print shop. For I am made of the blood of people who don't understand me. The blood of misunderstanding flowed to my brain; it says that it doesn't get me. Sound familiar, eh?
My hatred blooms a beautiful flower with toxins running through its veins.
I wasn't born out of love; I was born as an obligation, a subject to portray the "proper family" people tend to pursue.
I was never normal. And nothing extraordinary either. I'm an existence. A novice to the real world. Never enough for things.
I was not born out of love. How does a child hear of love when they don't witness it between walls that we are forced to call a home? A house without love can never become a home.
I start life as a noble pursuit, begging the universe to make it stop, and let it change. It did. Only for the price of going back to the four-walled cage every day.

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An obligatory child can never become something. The world keeps collapsing right in front of them. Making a mere attempt to save it sabotages what they built so far. Take "a brave leap," you might say? How many times? The child tries again and again only to see itself at rock bottom while the destruction only gets worse.
Oh my child! Perhaps I'll tell you what it is that you're doing wrong. How does it feel when I say that your mere existence is a blunder?
I smile when I say that; the euphoric feeling rushes through my brain, the dopamine of being right all the time. Especially when it comes to myself.
An obligatory child can never be good enough to survive. Unless they leave the dark place that destroys their comfort. But is there any such place in the world that could save you? oh my dear obligatory child, it's okay to be sad.
you’re not special. and that might be okay, as long as you fulfill the obligations of people who wear masks of love and say that they are doing it for you. and i’ll smile the mere act of you digging through the generations of human mind to understand what made you this way. No matter what. I will still love you. my obligatory child. I will look at the mirror and see you cry. And this time, maybe I won’t smile. Maybe I won’t feel anything at all.
Perhaps I should go get a coffee.
Would you like some too?

with love,
the obligatory child.

How has life been??

For me, this week has been full of ups and mostly downs

Monday did go quite well, I talked to the professor, and somehow that became something that's almost a therapy session.

This week has been confusing. I did not know what I was doing with my life and no matter what I do, I never seem to be satisfied, I always wish, i only wish, it feels as if I'm doing these things to please someone. But it's not. I'm surrounded with amazing people, and it's an intrinsic feeling, to be at the same level as them, and every decision i take right now seems like a mistake.

I'm so delved into the present that I'm feeling incapable of doing things and considering the future. There is so much I want to learn, so little time, and being confused, and being open to emotions feels like a privilege that I can't afford right now.

Everybody has their own pace
Okay, i know that they do, but why does mine seem slower? Not only comparetively, but realistically.

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Anyways,
I applied to be the vice president of the nature club, after alot of practical thinking and understanding, and as it goes, I think I did not get in, I'll have my rejection pastry today in my college. What's rejection pastry you might ask? I buy myself a pastry everytime I get rejected in a position/job. I did that once when I was rejected to be a receptionist in a 4 star hotel, and I was considered to be "first class with distinction" student. And ever since then, I never got a position that I wanted, not a title, not a job, and not even an unpaid internship lol, I'm kinda looking forward for that.

And there has been alot of crying throughout the week. And it felt foreign because, emotions never came easily to me, and feeling so many emotions instantly felt new.

Nothing seems as exciting as it used to be anymore. I don't feel like I'm enough of a friend, I don't feel like a good daughter.

My moral scale is fluctuating, and everything seems new. I don't understand what's happening to me, and it's been so hard to figure out why. I know I will be okay. But being this way feels like ciggerates after a long day, a nicotine addiction, one that's hard to get rid of. Pain is part of life. But for me, once it arrives, it sticks to me like an addiction
I cannot help but feel like I'm relapsing everytime I get sad.

Pain was once my home. And I've fallen in love with how beautiful it is
We can't really pay bills if we enjoy being in pain innit?

So, in short the week has been very draining, and exhausting except for the beach view every morningg

To hopefully a better week, cheers 🥂

see you guys next week <3

With love,
V

how have y’all been?? sorry for the late ahh postcard
I’ve been great, but as i am typing this right after a linkedin scroll, not so much.
LinkedIn will be the death of me, not even the cute way, the gruesome blood-sucking way. ahhh i hate it so much.

There was alot that i wanted to start during this academic year, but i kind of forgot most of them? hehe? but here are few things that i did try out, and failed at times, but i still tried to work it through, and planning to try harder this upcoming week-

• Make my own lunch

• exercise

I know its not alot but this week felt very long idk why

My first day of coming back to college wasn't as exciting, somehow, the weather was gloomy, and it was raining, and i didn’t know if our college bus is coming or not, it was chaos basically. I decided that I'll start studying for my upcoming exams from the online degree, but I met a friend we talked about possible career options, colleges, opportunities, and all. Talking to him felt relieving, as if it was okay to be confused. but i do wish i wasn’t confused tho.
hence, altough i did not study, it was productive in some way xD

The classes were kind of boring, all the lectures were about introductions about the teacher and the student and intro to the subject.

Right then boom, magically all classes began from the 2nd day. and i already found it draining. i kind of still did not start liking my classes yet, and my memory problem is definitely not helping me with my academia. its like my brain just decided to clear the white board, like i forgot operant conditioning. like who forgets that. i literally wrote about it like in 2 exams, and few quizes, like wth?!?!??!?!??! Anyways, i must utilize this weekend to revise old concepts so that i don’t look like a fool while the professor is teaching. Spoiler alert, i did not do the studying.

and i did start reading a book, Norwegian Wood by Murakami, so far, i like it, im planning to re read picture of Dorian grey, but i forgot who i lent it to :”(

anywaysss, college apart from classes has been fun! few of my friends are also in the committee that i joined in college!! I was so excited, there was also this one international student, who was soooo prettyyy, like, her skin was glowing, ahhhhh, it was so nice to be acquainted with her, ehhehehe

there was also this one formal photo shoot thingy, my hair was all over the place, i hate it so much ahhhhh
and it somehow always rains when i wear formals to college?

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speaking of rain, i loved Thursday's rains so much, it was a sunny shower, and the droplets falling on the pond was soooooo pretty, i love it soooo much.

I met my friends, I felt relieved, i missed them, alot, our hangouts, every single thing. I’m super grateful to have them.

This week i am planning to figure out what im going to do, as in career and, further plans

i feel lost and i hope i can figure out what to do this week, so that i can feel better about myself in the coming week, and maybe be slightly more productive.

Speaking of friends, we downloaded this endless quiz game and lmfao, we made teams and we played, lol it was fun.

So overall, i’d give this week a solid 7.5/10 cuz lol, idk, i think the world is ruining my life

anyways!! i’d love to hear about yalls week

see yall in the next issue, love you guys loadss

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also CAN YOU BELIEVE. THAT. OVER 150 PEOPLE GET MY POSTCARDS IN THEIR MAILS BAHAHAHAHAHHAAHH

love yall, i will make a post about lizard trauma, singing also, heheheheh see you there if i post it hheheheheh
TOODLESSSS

Love love
v

how have you been?
Recently, I was looking through pictures and ran across pictures of certain people whom I met two years ago. There was familiarity, but it felt surreal.

Sometimes parts of my memory just seem like dreams. Not even the past—even the present. It feels like I've fallen into a void where I see familiar names and faces, joyful giggles and sorrow, and it feels foreign to know that.

As time goes by, parts of my identity are clouding up to a point where I don't even trust my own memory. The past feels like a familiar illusion, a home you even forgot you've been in.

There's this uncertainty of what kind of feelings build up by a certain memory.
What if I'm making all this up?

Maybe I'm creating a void that I could call home, and come back to. Maybe all my "made-up" memories are to soothe me, to remind me that I'm real. That I'm human.

How does a person make up fake memories that last for a year?
There are certifications that prove that these memories exist.
Oh lord, what have I become?
I've come to an extent where I need pictures and videos to believe I've lived them.
Maybe I took it too seriously when someone told me to "live in the present", took it to an extent where I forget things that I've ever done.

My memories never call out for me, hoping I'd replay them. They get foggy behind a huge wall. Unfamiliarity fills me up until the moment someone points it out to me that it's real.
What if I only believe that I exist, and I don't actually do?

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When René Descartes said "I think therefore I am"—what if I'm a hallucination my brain created, and my memories are made-up stories that I tell myself to believe that I am?

What is it to be real?

I'm in a void that tells me familiar stories that I've never heard of before—as if I did them, when I have zero traces of my memory saying that I did.

Maybe I'm so sociable only because that's the only time I feel real—without the burden of thinking of past memories. That's the only way I wouldn't fall into a void.

What if I forget about you too?
What if you also become the unfamiliar void, with familiar stories? The thought gives me chills.

I partly love who I am, with myself and with people, because I try. I try knowing I'll fail.
I'll lose a sense of self if I lose the presence of people around me.
I need them to bring me back down to reality.

The void speaks to me once every few months when I'm too free. It tells me that it'll end, not the sadness and unfamiliarity. It tells me that I'll forget this, about everything I've ever done, and everything I've ever achieved. It tells me that people will leave, and that this will repeat.

Again and again and again and again.
I will lose myself.
Or did I even have the sense of self to begin with?

Because a person with no good memory power only relies on the present that they see. And once it's gone, they'll start to lose their sense of self.

Looking through memories feels like you've lived through multiple lives, a familiar feeling about something you have no memory of.

Like
   sand
  f
a
l
l
     i
      n
       g   off from the g a p s of your fingertips.

i hope i carry my memories with me not in a way of unfamiliarity, but with love and gratitude.

How do you feel when you look through old pictures??

till next time «33
love love.
V

i randomly remembered this one story from kindergarten lol, i wanted to share, although its childish this memory has been a part of me while growing up

I was in kindergarten when it happened. I had reached school early. Even the teachers hadn’t arrived yet. I wandered into the garden, where our principal had planted a wide variety of flowers. So many of them had bloomed, prettier than ever. I think I fell in love with them.
Pink, yellow, orange, white — I wanted to keep one. “Raise it,” my three-year-old self would say.

I skipped around the park, stuffing my pockets with small amla from the tree. I always collected them for my mom and sister. We’d eat them while watching Tom and Jerry. Since I came early that day, I’d hit a fortune. I took as many as I could. Hehe.

Then a girl from my class arrived. I don’t remember her name or face. Just that she wore small pigtails and had skin like milk chocolate. I thought we might become friends. I took her to the amla tree and showed her the flowerbed. She spotted the white flowers, there were two of them, and said she loved how they looked.

I was excited. Someone else who felt the same.

I suggested we each take one, as a gift for our parents. She agreed. We plucked both. My day was beautiful and happy. Until the principal noticed the missing flowers.

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She was enraged, like a tiger hunting prey. The girl got caught first. The principal twisted her ear and dragged her into our classroom. Then she shouted- “Tell who it is!” The girl with pigtails didn’t hesitate. “It was her,” she said, pointing at me, hoping to lessen her punishment. The principal stormed out, eyes blazing. She demanded I hand over my bag. I froze. She grabbed it, opened it, and there it was, the flower lying beside my notes.

She pulled me out of the chair, dragged me to the front of the class, and slapped me. Once. Twice. Three times. My face stung. My eyes welled up. “Why?” she shouted. I whispered through my tears, “I wanted to gift it to my mom.” she hit me harder this time.

The class stared. I stood humiliated, broken. I wished I had never spoken to that girl. I wished I never had the idea at all. She grabbed my shoulders, still furious. “I’ll remove your clothes in front of everyone,” she threatened.

I panicked. I begged. she pushed me down. She yanked me back up. It hurt.

Then she reached for the zipper of my uniform. A white shirt and a plaid frock. She unzipped it, pulled down the right sleeve. I resisted as much as i could, but she hit me again. I didn’t understand. why would she do that?

She ordered me to stay like that for an hour. I cried. I don’t remember much after that. Just the pain. Just the shame. All for a flower. The girl who told on me sat in silence, watching.

Later, my class teacher zipped up my frock and told me to sit. I was still crying. I just wanted to disappear. I just wanted to sleep.

That day, the amla I was saving, the ones I was so excited to share didn’t seem as exciting anymore. But when I got home, my mom was happy to see me. She asked me what happened. I don’t remember what I told her.

But I do remember sitting by the stairs, waiting for my sister to return, sharing amla with my mom, slowly, silently, trying to forget, the pretty flower that plucked out.

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AHHH, i wish she told me nicely and not humiliate me, but she did, it is what it is ig.

see yall in the next issue!
till then, toodlesssss stay safeee

love love
V.

its been awhile since i posted an update post, hehe.
here it issss
so there is not much ive been doing this summer (may-june)
it was all “GOOODDDDDD PLEASE GET ME THIS INTERNSHIP”
and “MOMM DADDDD PLEASE LET ME GO SOMEWHERE THIS SUMMER”
and more of existential crisis (plural) and what not, let me divide this article by sub headers-

Internships

i thought summer would be productive but lol, life said no. i applied for over 30 internships, in which i got calls from 5 of them, and turns out it was all a scam hiring where they do mass recruitment and terminate their contract once they should be paying the interns. anyways I’ve been intern-less, i know failure move (i know life doesn’t revolve around internships, yada yada bullshit, but it made me sad, let me be sad) i mean i had amazing plans, ill do internships/volunteer work through the summer in a different field, but no one recruits, i think its my fault for having so much faith in myself. anyways.

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Friends whom i couldn’t meet up with

i thought ill meetup with my old friends, go out, catch up, have fun, but its all bull. no one cares atp, i talk to people, i tell i miss talking to them and their only response is “oh, go hang out with your new friends, youve become so busy, you dont have time for us anymore” and i wasnt even mad at them for saying this. i was upset. because they did not feel like it was okay for me to reach out now. as if it was too late. i cried my eyes out for weeks straight. i hoped that they’d understand, i got busy with course work and club work. i didn’t feel nice. okay i understand that i should’ve made time for people, but is it not selfish? for you to expect things from someone which you wouldnt do?
i have never misunderstood when you were busy. i know it is faulty from both of our sides. but why are you not letting me fix it? I value what we have, and i dont wanna lose yall with a mere “oh, as time passed by we talked lesser and lesser, and we lost contact” i dont want that to happen to us.
i might just be another friend from high school to you, but i wish, i only wished. i might as well, keep wishing for things that arent bound to happen…like me getting an internship ( no one likes me, not the companies, not irl people )
ahhh i lost control for a moment anyways.

hangouts that did happen

I met up with diya and rishabh, and saw yash for awhile (ahhh i missed them all so much) these people are soo chaotic, fun and adorable, love yall, and i cant wait for college to start, and rishabh, see you during your convocation ;)
I also met up with, rishabh’s friends too!! i had alot of fun, sadly i did not get the pictures yet :P

that other degree (i’m cheating on bba with psychology)

my other degree’s assignments are due in exaxxaaattlllyyyyy……..24 days, i have 6 assignments, each of 2400 words, so 2400*6= 14,400 words, and god knows how im going to finish it before college starts, which is in 11 days, hahahahaah, im digging my own grave, i should start making them *cries*
this summer i also realised that ill be finishing my first degree by this time next year (i hope that i can go to the convocation… and for that to happen i must submit these assignments T-T. anyways

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what I’m trying to do in these 11 days

i’m trying to read more books and im trying to get back into writing and start posting on my ever changing algorithm account again.
next, im planning to finish atleast 2 assignments by tomorrow so that i can put my mentor at ease, ill start working on the posts for my poetry page after this. heheh, im looking forward for that!!! anyways

ONE PIECEEEE and other anime

i also started to catch up on one piece, i started at ep 765 and now i also started wano BAHAHAHAHAHA (ep 890), wano is so beautiful istg, i missed watching one pieceee ahhhhhhhh, i love them so much
fav one piece arc update- i still love dressrosa, very much so, and i think doflamingo is an incredibly written villain. i thought (spoiler alert), after watching sanjis story, id fall in love with that arc, but what i do love about the whole cake island is the fight between luffy and Katakuri, and pudding’s last tears, sadly dressrosa still has my heart as my fav arc, ahhhh i love dressrosa smmmm!!!!! and i lovveeeee Katakuri!!!
and i also watched dr. stone s1 and im starting s2 tomorrow, hehehehe. anyways theres so much more I'd love to yap about, but ill free you guys lmfaoo

so hence, my summer was not as great as i thought it would be, and i hate having to do nothing while i have so much free time (altough i need to prepare my assignments, this doesnt count) anyways

ill start making my assignments
tooodllllesssss byyyyessss

love love,
V

I don’t like reading sad stuff by authors I know I can talk to. (this does not stop me from reading gut wrenching and throat strangling poetry and prose)

Imagine this.
You read something that stings your heart, breaks it into a million pieces.
I crumble down as I read each piece of work.

I wanna know why.
Who did that to you?
I want to help- but the more I run towards you, hoping you’d want to talk,
the further away you go.
The more I hope to help you,
the harder reality hits me.

I know we’re not friends.
Co-writers on a platform, at most.

How can someone expect me to be alright after reading such a gut-wrenching piece of work?
Of course, no one does.
So how can you expect me to not do anything after reading a piece that shattered me?
And not think of the author who wrote it?

I have this intrinsic feeling of reaching out to help.
Whether I help you or not,
I want to try.
I want to listen.
I wanna understand you.
What makes you you.
Why you do what you do.

How can one read a gut-wrenching piece and not wonder what the author went through while writing it?
I wonder…
Out of all the 14 comments under that piece-
did anyone ask you if you're okay?
Is it not selfish of a person to say “relatable” under a post,
especially when they know for a fact
that the author is going through this hardship alone?

I weep at the mere thought of someone struggling alone.

I'm not your friend —
I wish I was.
I wish I could help.
I wish I was brave enough to ask if you're doing okay.

I know you might be reading this,
and I hope you know that
it saddens me to see you writing gut-wrenching pieces.

I hope you heal.
Really, I hope you do.
Because I want to learn.
How to write happy.
And I know it’ll be the best
when I learn it from you.

I hope you write a happy piece.
And I hope you heal.

It's because it overwhelms me.
I know how you feel.

I know how it feels to drown while you're caged at the bottom of the ocean.
You try to swim up, but you suffocate.
You chase air bubbles that escape your throat,
not knowing whether to use your last breath to call for help,
or to whisper your final wishes to the ones you love.

I hope no one reaches out to me.
I cannot share this sadness.
I'd rather hold it down in the ocean
and let it suffocate me.

But I would never let this suffocate you.

It saddens me to see you here,
at the bottom of the ocean,
struggling, just as I am.

If I told you that I would take away all your sadness
at a price that requires you to write happy poems
will you do it?

Because I would.
I would take away every ounce of your sadness just to make you happy.

I'm happy to go out of my way to help you heal.
And I hope you'll let me do it…

Because the only thing that can heal me, is you-
seeing you happy.

I wish you wrote more happy stuff.
Maybe I’d learn.
Maybe that’s how I’ll heal too…
by watching you choose joy,
and choosing to believe
I can, too.

with love,
a coward,
V.

How have you been? I hope you’re doing well.
If I may ask, what is the first thing that you truly enjoyed doing?

For me, it was drawing.
As a child, I loved to draw. I always told my parents that I’d become an artist. I was so determined.

I remember when I was little, my parents suggested that it’s good if I become a doctor or an engineer when I grow up, and I was like, “but i wanna be an artist.”
Then the next day at school, I asked my friends what they wanted to be when they grow up. I got 3 responses:

• doctor

• engineer

• business people

Hence, I came back to the house with full determination and confidence that a 5 y/o could have and said that I’ll be an artist—because if everyone became a doctor or an engineer, who will be the artist?
And I decided that it would be me.

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As a child, I’ve always loved:

• patterns

• numbers ending with 0s

• new alphabets (from different languages)

• repeated patterns

I truly enjoyed them because I never felt the urge to make it “pretty.” I was satisfied with whatever I did.

They taught us the typical scenery drawing, with the mountains, pond, and a sun in the corner.
Oh god, I used to draw the same thing on every piece of paper, although there was no improvement xD.

Then in 5th grade, we learnt how to draw a monitor, keyboard, and all for the exams.
WHEN I TELL YOU. It was the same as when I learnt how to draw the scenery- lmfao.

Then I joined boarding school. I was a self-proclaimed artist.
Life was not good in boarding school.

One fine day I was lying on my bed staring out the door, and I was looking at the scribbles on the wall. I was making faces, dogs, and so many more patterns on the wall.
I had watched a YouTube video back then that said, “an artist can see art even in scribbles,” and that brought me joy.

But the very next moment, I started to wonder why I never was able to draw from memory like an actual artist.

Then I met this amazing artist in our room—she was making a drawing for the notice board.
AND. LET. ME. TELL. YOU.
GODDDD. Her skills were magnificent. The strokes—none wasteful—everything came together. She creates masterpieces.

I wished to be like her.
Amazing. Talented. Skillful.

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I attempted to learn:

• every day

• all the time

• improve, create, learn

But I failed again and again and again.
I wondered what I was doing wrong.

I couldn’t draw without a reference.
I couldn’t paint because I did not understand color theory.

That is when my spirit to be an amazing artist started to faint.
Lower and lower, day by day, all the time.

calligraphy

Then I discovered calligraphy:

• pretty

• doesn’t need memory

• practice makes perfect

I learnt it. I was proud of it. It felt amazing.
I used it everywhere, used to write quotes, explore more writing styles—and it was a hit.
I mean, I calligraphied my school projects and everyone thought it was awesome. i would love to show you pictures, but i couldn’t find my calligraphy book :”) but you might find it in the scrap journalling section

sketching

I still never gave up drawing.

Drawing helps me clear my mind.
I use a reference and draw.
I don’t mind—because I’m doing it for myself, right?
I love drawing, doesnt matter for me if it takes hours to finish one picture, what matters is that i do it, because i enjoy it

scrap journalling

Then I slowly started getting into scrap journalling:
cutting paper, throwing them all in a book, collecting paper scraps and all hehe. i still do this once in awhile when i want to clear my mind, i love doing this the most, i have a dried leaf collection and pressed flowers who become my main subject, or sometimes even pictures from old magazines, these look pretty because ig they are not much scrap but mostly pictures, but, my recent stuff, ive made with actual scrap, hehe.

digital art

I also did digital art for a while in 2021-2022
I used the Autodesk Sketchbook app, I used to trace and experiment, and try out new stuff.
I enjoyed it for quite awhile, then my tablet started having old-age issues (battery problems), and then my stylus broke, so i had to stop, but i do try to do it with my fingers but it never as good :”(

presentt

And now I do a little bit of everything.
I started drawing random stuff on paper hoping that it would become something, a part of me, to call myself an artist, i started drawing like a child, many failed attempts, but ill try again and again and again, just to reach my standard of being an artist.

I do art, but not enough to call myself an artist.
I am not an artist, and that’s okay.

what about you? do you make art?? if yes, i would love to check it out!!!!

love love,
your fav annoying kid- V.

i hope life is treating you kindly, mine is not, I’m doing so much laundry, I feel like i live there now :0

everyone's travelling the world, while my days go by as i go to the laundry room to my bed room.

I hate doing laundry.
You must know the feeling—when you finally decide to do the laundry, and then your mom barges into your room and says, “Go do the laundry,” in that mom-ic tone. It almost sounds like a request when it's most definitely not.

Dirty laundry piles up more and more, day by day, and I never stop looking for that one moment—I bring up the pile and shove it all into the washing machine.
I wish to romanticize laundry, but all I get after that is, “Arey, I told you a million times to put that white bedsheet.”
Okay, I get it. You make me do the laundry only because I seem free.

I like to do my laundry at midnight or early morning, when no one yaps. I love every moment of my alone time. Maybe I’d talk to a friend while folding the fresh load of laundry.

I know the laundry is piling up.
You don’t have to tell me I need to do it.
I will do it.
I just need you to trust me.
Is that too much to ask for?

This time, I’m going to put on my headphones, play my favorite playlist, sing along, and unload the washing machine.
Laundry isn’t hard.
What’s hard is being expected to be available, all the time, just because you're home.

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Let me demonstrate how doing laundry is for me:

• I’d be lying on my bed, reading Substack comments or doomscrolling through Instagram, or in a state of existential dread, hoping I do something productive.

• My mom comes in and asks me to do the laundry that I had already planned to do at night, when no one would disturb me.

• I look at the dirty pile of clothes, weirded out by the sight. I think to myself, why does no one do their own laundry?

• I shove them all in at once- clearly prioritizing my clothes, because I’m doing the laundry.

• I hate the smell of detergent.
  Too fragrant for my taste.

• I turn on the washing machine and leave the sight.
  It feels almost like I’ve just cleaned up a bloodbath.

• I rest for a while. And then I hear—almost 30 times—that I need to put the warm laundry out to dry in the sun.

• I decide to do it at my own pace, in my own time, and finally get to it later at midnight, right when I’m about to have another existential crisis.

• Then, this repeats.

• There are times when my mom gets quite annoyed and does it herself, which kinda hurts… but it iz wat it iz

SONG RECCC- This song literally feels like doing laundry in a cloudy day

peace, thank you for reading, i have to go do laundry now.
toodlessss see yall in the next issue <3

xoxo.
V.

It sucks, doesn’t it?
having no one else to blame.
you can’t blame yourself, nor the rose for being this way.

How can I do it when I cannot reach out for its thorns.
how can the rose expect me to hold it by its dearest stem,
knowing it hurts?

How can I do it again when my hand is painted purple and red?
how can I reach out for it knowing I’ll bleed again?
This time maybe darker than the petals,
Maybe in a scarlet shade?

I cannot blame the rose for having thorns.
Nor can I blame myself for being scared.
Or… maybe I can.

I’m not brave enough to hold the rose the way it wishes to be held.
I’m no florist.
I cannot remove its thorns like it’s nothing.

I don’t know how to love the rose
Even when it tells me
That it’s enough to admire its petals.

But what is loving a rose
If you don’t accept both petals and thorns?
Would you even call it loving a rose,
If you don’t love the thorns?

because to love a rose, is to loving its thorns too.

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i hope roses know that they are not alone.
and maybe i will become a florist.

see yall in the next post card!

love love,
V.