I’m a fifth year medical student and to be honest, medicine is a lot. Lots of ups and downs, lots of doubt and tears intertwined with lots of happy moments.

One thing this course has given me is a genuine love for myself - body and mind. I look into the mirror and I smile, I look at my shadow while walking at night and I raise my shoulders a little bit higher and move my hips with a little more vigor, I look at my face at every mirror and even at the stages where I know I’m going through a lot academically I smile, I thank my mom and dad subconsciously and just continue with my journey. I’m happy with what I see and what I embody. That’s something I’ll always be grateful to med school for.

Would I say it’s because I’ve learnt about the body in the past five years and so I’ve learnt to appreciate it more ? Maybe. But then learning about the body so deeply has its pros and cons. You get to know the many ways you’ve maltreated your body, the many ways you don’t actually care for your body, the many things you could do differently. You also see the many things other people do and you get annoyed, it also makes me more annoyed at my country and the people at the top of food chain because so many health challenges can be solved, reduced and overcome by them just realizing the main reasons they have those positions. There are so many cons that come with studying the human body so detailedly.

And there are so many pros. The main pro in this newsletter is that I’ve come to appreciate my body more. I’ve come to know, appreciate and love the body I was born with, the strength I have, the wisdom and the fluidity I have, the sharpness and wit I possess, the versatility and the overwhelming urge to be better. Medical school, the smartest and dumbest decision I have made in my years on earth.

I started this medical school journey with so many complaints about my body, so many things I would have loved to tweak and change. In the process of gaining admission, showing up for myself and others and taking professional exams I’ve lost those complaints, gotten new ones, fallen in love with the complaints, adapted and ultimately gotten happy with what I see in the mirror.

Even if I have complaints at the end of this journey, I won’t forget who I was at the beginning and who I am now. I won’t forget the wins and now I’m not talking about passing the exams or the positions I’ve been privileged to have or even the people I’ve been able to help and influence. I’m talking about the growth and the love that has developed because of this journey.

I won’t forget the girl that started it because I never thought a time would come where I’ll be so appreciative of my features, they’ve brought me thus far and surely they need to be embraced and appreciated.

Thank you mummy and daddy, thank you med school. It’s been one hell of a journey and I can’t wait to see what I’ll look like and who I’ll be when I’m finally done.✨

Same perfume, similar scents… Or is it the environment they live in? After all, the environment affects us more than we imagine, so maybe that’s the reason why -even if you’re using Valentino, Kayla, or Club de Nuit- you still smell the same.

Or maybe it’s all just in my head—the same way I’ve always seen or heard potential even before speaking to a person. The same way I see success and the ability to do more written on your forehead, even from a mile away.

Maybe I’m just weird, but then weird is the new normal, so I guess that’s okay.

The similar scents don’t remind me of anyone, though. It just comforts me and makes me believe that, in one way or another, we’re still connected and entwined a little. I miss being able to differentiate people by their scents, though. I’ve always had a sharp nose - sniffing perfumes, scents, and body odors from a distance - but never the bad traits and red flags.

What can I say? My sharp nose goes as blind as my short-sighted eyes on some days. Really crazy, isn’t it?

Now I have to look for other ways to differentiate people. The scents are all jumbled up in my brain, so I guess looking hard at their foreheads will just have to do. Hopefully, this time, I’ll be able to notice red flags and crazy traits earlier than before.

Happy new month ✨

‎I'm entirely focused on what I need to do, that's it. Or maybe I'm just distracted, this letter should have been completed weeks ago but I just can't focus, on some days it's like that. ‎I'm focusing on so many things at once, stretching my mind and body into so many fragments, and I guess that's good; neuroplasticity and all of that stuff.

‎I turn 20 today. I've never been one to be sad about growing older, I've always imagined the life I would have, how far I would have gone and how much access I would have as I get older. The truth is I honestly thought 20 would be so far away, at some point I forgot this was my birth month. I had to remind myself over and over again that I'm actually growing older. Wasn't I just in secondary school?? I saw one of my juniors from when I was in secondary school, he was in jss2 when I was graduating. I saw him in the University looking all grown up most likely in his second year. That was when it hit me, I'm actually growing old. I'm getting older and the world is actually spinning. My junior siblings are in university and senior secondary school so I guess I'm actually growing.

‎This past year has been crazy, crazy good, crazy bad but crazy and I don't think I would change any part of it. I'm kidding, there are parts I would love to change but then who would I be without those days that made me cry and made me want to bang my head. Who am I without my stories, the tears I shed and the ones I didn't. Who am I without the sad days and the good days I had last year. So no, I wouldn't want to change any part. I'm grateful for it all. Those things contributed to who I am now. Those things contributed to the girl who's writing this, to the girl we all see, talk to and love. I am who I am because of the things that happened to me.

‎I've grown, grown from the shy, timid, insecure girl I once was. One thing still remains, I still talk without punctuation on most days. But now it's not because I'm shy and hurrying to leave the platform, it's because I have so much to say about the topic and I need to say all I know and hear your thoughts. I'm not insecure about my body anymore, I've grown to appreciate the body that has brought me through so much. The body that has held me up and helped me look in order even when my mind wasn't. I look in the mirror and I'm happy, contrary to Hamilton's 'you can never be satisfied', I'm actually satisfied. I'm happy with what I see in the mirror, I tell myself everyday that I'm beautiful and that is huge because there was once a time I despised mirrors. Now people tell me I'm so obsessed with my face, of course I am, have you seen this face !?

‎I'm grateful for relationships. The relationships I've lost along the way either because of my fake busyness or the real one, the ones I made because of the said busyness. I'm grateful for the people that genuinely wanted to connect with me, grateful for the people that saw me when I wasn't seeing myself and are still seeing me.

‎I'm grateful for family. My sweet daddy and mummy. My siblings and cousins. Y'all are so beautiful and needed in the world.

‎I'm grateful for God. My strength and my rock. The one who sees me and loves me unconditionally, the one who keeps his promises, the one who is faithful even in my unfaithfulness, the one who is always present, the one who beautifies me and provides always. God is beautiful.

‎I'm grateful for 19 year old me who decided to be that girl and show up on LinkedIn, in real life and every platform that came to mind. 19 year old me decided to go for events, to talk to people, to shake hands and be confident. I won't be forgetting 19 year old me in a hurry. 10 year old me would be so proud, 15 year old me who wanted to prove that she could actually study medicine would be so proud of 20 year old me. 13 year old me who was insecure about everything would be proud of me.

‎I'm 20 now, 20 and thriving, 20 and showing up, 20 and being my own safe hands, 20 and loving myself, 20 and discovering what I'm capable of more and more, 20 and navigating my fifth year of medical school, 20 and happy.

‎This is 20 and in this year I meet every situation with thanksgiving.

‎Happy birthday to me. ✨

‎My art is not a distraction or better still I’m not distracted.

‎I’m entirely focused on what I need to do, that’s it. Or maybe I’m just distracted, this letter should have been completed weeks ago but I just can’t focus, on some days it’s like that. ‎I’m focusing on so many things at once, stretching my mind and body into so many fragments, and I guess that’s good; neuroplasticity and all of that stuff.

‎I turn 20 today. I’ve never been one to be sad about growing older, I’ve always imagined the life I would have, how far I would have gone and how much access I would have as I get older. The truth is I honestly thought 20 would be so far away, at some point I forgot this was my birth month. I had to remind myself over and over again that I’m actually growing older. Wasn’t I just in secondary school?? I saw one of my juniors from when I was in secondary school, he was in jss2 when I was graduating. I saw him in the University looking all grown up most likely in his second year. That was when it hit me, I’m actually growing old. I’m getting older and the world is actually spinning. My junior siblings are in university and senior secondary school so I guess I’m actually growing.

‎This past year has been crazy, crazy good, crazy bad but crazy and I don’t think I would change any part of it. I’m kidding, there are parts I would love to change but then who would I be without those days that made me cry and made me want to bang my head. Who am I without my stories, the tears I shed and the ones I didn’t. Who am I without the sad days and the good days I had last year. So no, I wouldn’t want to change any part. I’m grateful for it all. Those things contributed to who I am now. Those things contributed to the girl who’s writing this, to the girl we all see, talk to and love. I am who I am because of the things that happened to me.

‎I’ve grown, grown from the shy, timid, insecure girl I once was. One thing still remains, I still talk without punctuation on most days. But now it’s not because I’m shy and hurrying to leave the platform, it’s because I have so much to say about the topic and I need to say all I know and hear your thoughts. I’m not insecure about my body anymore, I’ve grown to appreciate the body that has brought me through so much. The body that has held me up and helped me look in order even when my mind wasn’t. I look in the mirror and I’m happy, contrary to Hamilton’s ‘you can never be satisfied’, I’m actually satisfied. I’m happy with what I see in the mirror, I tell myself everyday that I’m beautiful and that is huge because there was once a time I despised mirrors. Now people tell me I’m so obsessed with my face, of course I am, have you seen this face !?

‎I’m grateful for relationships. The relationships I’ve lost along the way either because of my fake busyness or the real one, the ones I made because of the said busyness. I’m grateful for the people that genuinely wanted to connect with me, grateful for the people that saw me when I wasn’t seeing myself and are still seeing me.

‎I’m grateful for family. My sweet daddy and mummy. My siblings and cousins. Y’all are so beautiful and needed in the world.

‎I’m grateful for God. My strength and my rock. The one who sees me and loves me unconditionally, the one who keeps his promises, the one who is faithful even in my unfaithfulness, the one who is always present, the one who beautifies me and provides always. God is beautiful.

‎I’m grateful for 19 year old me who decided to be that girl and show up on LinkedIn, in real life and every platform that came to mind. 19 year old me decided to go for events, to talk to people, to shake hands and be confident. I won’t be forgetting 19 year old me in a hurry. 10 year old me would be so proud, 15 year old me who wanted to prove that she could actually study medicine would be so proud of 20 year old me. 13 year old me who was insecure about everything would be proud of me.

‎I’m 20 now, 20 and thriving, 20 and showing up, 20 and being my own safe hands, 20 and loving myself, 20 and discovering what I’m capable of more and more, 20 and navigating my fifth year of medical school, 20 and happy.

‎This is 20 and in this year I meet every situation with thanksgiving.

‎Happy birthday to me. ✨

“Love is a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion, and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection, and trust.”

For the longest time, I felt I didn’t know what love was, or how it felt, or even how to love.
Maybe that’s because I always associated love with something so big, so grand, so beyond me.

We’ve always been told about how God loves us. He’s so magnificent, and there are so many people in the world that it confuses me how He remembers every little detail about us.
I think that’s partly where my problem started. I thought love had to be that big. I forgot that loving—or being in love—can live in the littlest of things too.

It could be in buying me a black pen because I only write with them.
It could be in me getting you your favorite drink. It could be in me showing up for you when you need me.

It could simply be in the smallest gestures.

What is love to me? What does love mean to me?

For someone who claims to love deeply and to be in love, I’ve had a hard time finding the words to describe it.

Ever since I listened to Lana that day, I knew I was in love, with her voice, with the music, with the flow.
Love’s crazy because I can tell exactly how I feel for one thing, yet struggle to explain it for another.

I know I love the smell of dust; not the dirty kind, but the kind that comes from a place that hasn’t been used in a long time. The kind that isn’t stale.
I love lip gloss and lip combos.
I love perfumes.
I love music—it’s warm and friendly.

I know I love my dad, the way I smile whenever he calls me his beloved daughter.
I love my mom, the way she says my name is engraved in my head, the way we gist about everything.
I love my siblings too, they’re the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me.

Love, to me, is peaceful. It’s calm.

Before now, I used to think it had to be crazy and tumultuous to be real. But there’s someone in my life now who’s slowly teaching me otherwise.

Love is waking up in the morning already thinking of how to be better, for yourself and for the people around you.
It’s going out of your way to make those you care about happy, while still putting yourself first.
Because the goal is never to lose yourself. If you’re losing yourself, I’m convinced it isn’t love.

The person you love will make you want to grow. They’ll find ways to help you grow.
Love is choosing to help and to stay.
It’s not just in the moments of staring at each other; it’s in the moments of anger and hurt, too—when you look for ways to make things better.

It’s in choosing.
It’s in yearning.
It’s in loving.

You can’t fully be in love with someone without being in love with yourself.
You have to love and know you first; to know your triggers, your hurts, your pain, and still try to be better.

Love is knowing your worth.
It’s choosing yourself every step of the way and being happy.
Because when you’re truly in love, your happiness is intertwined—with theirs, and with your own.

PS: Tobe’s love is not a capcut edit inspired this post🌚

Subscribe now

These days, it’s all it does.

For someone that doesn’t like thinking, I sure do it a lot.

I think, I reminisce, I remember.

I remember it all,

Maybe not all, but the important moments that made me feel.

I do love feeling.

Feeling things deeply may be a bad thing for some people,

but most times I revel in it,

loving how I can feel and still try to implement logic despite it all.

Overwhelmed.

A feeling I know too well.

Overstimulated.

May be attached to my middle name now.

And yet, despite it all — life goes on.

Because that’s what life does.

It life’s.

And we just have to keep pushing.

I love.

Always been the passionate one,

at least that’s how I see myself.

Dedicating myself deeply to the course and all I decide.

But then you came along.

Life feels lighter.

I guess that’s something the rain also does,

it falls, washing our minds and maybe our sins with it,

offering us a little peace and quiet,

a little time for ourselves,

and an excuse for the cancelled plans.

As much as I love the rain, maybe it’s time to go.

Maybe it’s time for the sun to stay out longer than three hours.

Maybe it’s time to show your spark to the world,

to be happier a little longer,

to be calmer and more regulated,

and maybe to breathe deep and smile.

You deserve to smile.

You deserve calm.

I remember how you called my name.

Or is it how you looked at me?

Maybe I confused it.

I do remember how I feel,

or is it how I felt?

Or maybe how I continue to feel.

Like a gentle caress,

just like a little raindrop

that sticks to your skin and hair

despite the umbrella over your head.

“You don’t have to write me a letter 🎶

I’ll always be right here,

closer to you than your next breath, my dear 🎶”

To me and to you,

to always listen and to be there.

My babies, God bless them.

I need to read.

Subscribe now

a doctor died,

a girl died,

i met a guy,

all these and september just started.

I’ve always been one to yap about impact and the need to do more, always been the one to talk about how i need to be outside more and how i need to meet more people because it gives me the chance to meet said people of impact, always been the one to talk about i need to impact people positively. well safe to say that this year i have slept less, done more, been more tired and burnt out than ever, the thing is that i actually feel a little more fulfilled, like i have a little direction in life and that maybe life could be better but let me say something, i still have so many answered questions, i’m confused like 20% of the time, almost in tears like 40% of the time and in control 35% of the time, the remaining 5% i just wing it, i scream rubber duck and then i let the wind direct me. 70% of that 5% i spend it asking myself why i do things this way but in the end life happens.

i remember the first day of september very well, it was a monday, i dread mondays so much like where did my weekend go, how’s it a new week already. everyone already had their happy new month message ready, ready to unleash it to the many people on their contact list, i’ve never been one to do that, i just wish my daddy and then i’m okay for the rest of the day. this month was different, i didn’t see the usual happy new month messages, just people asking God how and trying to understand how we’ve lost another doctor again. this one hit close to home a little too much, i mean i had just seen a picture of the doctor some days back, he was smiling and he looked healthy. i never met him, i never met the doctor, you know how people have a list of people they’d like to meet some day, he was on my list because i couldn’t understand how you could do so much for many people and still live your life fully for yourself.

i don’t know if i should curse out the medical system, i’ve done that like three million times since i started this course. it takes and takes and takes, kind of how your jealous lover keeps on taking things from you but you plaster a smile on your face saying that it’ll get better. i remember one time i was in the hospital, one pretty doctor asked what class i was in, i told her i was in my fourth year and she told me it wasn’t too late to run away, i was like i’m in my fourth year not second year and she just laughed. taking my sleep and joy on some days is okay but taking the people we love, taking the people that have devoted so many hours and years of their lives to save people, taking them away from the people that love them!!? there should be a line honestly. and to

my beloved medical superiors and consultants, the ones that are always quick to say that they did it in their time and we’re just lazy and that’s why we’re dying. i have a simple question, what’s with the suffer olympics in this country, it’s like there’s a price for the person that suffers more, for the person that worked till they almost died or in this case for the person that died on the job. what’s going on, what happened to just making the system a little more accommodating, a little more accepting. i really don’t think it’s that hard, it’ll also be very dumb of me to think it’s that simple but can we at least agree that there’s a problem and try to do something. now the doctor’s dead, buried, what next, we move on and life continues? just like that? life’s a very crazy thing.

i was talking to someone and he said that things like this just gives him more reasons to actually not practice. i know i’m going to practice so what’s going to happen, i’m going to practice in the system i’ve bashed multiple times?? very funny stuff. someone else told me that at least i can always travel (japa) and i didn’t know what to respond to that. what happens to the ones that can’t travel, the ones that have to stay here and struggle to build a name for themselves, what’s going to happen to them. i personally feel like that’s one of the issues we have in this country, everyone keeps on saying that ‘at least they’ll soon leave Nigeria’ and other crap like that, the countries we want to run to was built by the people in them but okay oh, we can all be travelling and our country will continue to crumble, good healthcare will continue to be for only those that can afford it, good schools will only be for the rich and even the basic amenities will be hard to afford but yes lets ‘japa’, i agree with y’all. to be honest i have thought and thought since that monday, i have called my mom almost in tears to rant and i still have unanswered questions but life goes on right!? another doctor will still be overworked and then we’ll thank God that at least he didn’t die and we’ll be fine.

yesterday i saw another burial flyer, oh God what’s happening in september, something must be in the air, *quickly runs to get my nose mask*. the girl had lupus, i know that early in the year when i was having junior medicine posting we had a lecture on lupus, i don't remember anything from that time. i remember that there are celebrities living with lupus, putting out music and pictures but this babe!? she’s just gone just like that. life's crazy mehn.

and the guy i'm talking to, * puts hair behind ears shyly*, we'll just have to see how it goes *laughs shyly*.

i'm currently on a 21day LinkedIn challenge ( i already skipped a day, don’t tell anyone) so i'm going to end this newsletter like i would have ended my post there ( i haven’t posted something for today). cherish the time you have with your loved ones, appreciate them always, love as hard as you can, love yourself, be yourself and then try your best to be something to the people around you and to yourself too. life's way too short to just exist.

Subscribe now

I haven't been the most active person on this app, I don't open it as much as I would like to. Life has been lifing, school has been schooling. I have questioned my career path so much in the past month. I have thought and thought. The thing is that I don't see myself anywhere else, I don't see myself learning any other thing or working in any other place, I walked past a unit in the hospital recently and I had a huge smile on my face, like I knew I would eventually walk down those halls, I just needed to strive, needed to read a little more, needed to be a little more and that's the thing. I'll always have to do more, always have to be more, what happens on the days I want to be nothing, can I even afford to want to be nothing!? I mean people are counting on me, I'm counting on me, how can I want to be nothing, how can I want to rest and so I put a huge smile on my face and tell myself it's going to be okay, sometimes the smile feels like I just put a faulty bandage over my heart and head. On some days it's enough and on some days it isn't but you know what, I keep pushing because that's what life is about

.

Before today I couldn't remember the last time in the past month I slept without an alarm, without telling someone to wake me up in the next thirty minutes, it's been one exam after the other, week by week, every single time. I can't for the life of me figure out how people went through this class, passed at once and became doctors because damn. Every time I see a doctor now I have maximum respect because it isn't easy, I want to give them a big hug because I know how hard it must have been, how much they had to sacrifice and how much I would have to sacrifice.

July was so crazy, the days ran into each other, the weeks came fast and before you know the month was over because what do you mean that this is the ninth of August, damn the year is almost over. I'm very sure I almost lost my mind in the past month. I saw strength I never knew I had because what do you mean I'm reading for this long and I'm not tired!!. People saw me more than they used to because your girl was outside every night reading to dawn, asides from reading I was also coming out because of someone but that's besides the point. You know how motivational speakers always tell us to keep on going and do it even when tired, that was me to myself almost every day in the past month. If someone can show up in excess, that would have been me this past month. In all my duties, elder sister duties, student duties, class senator duties and everything. Most times things would come up and I'll have to remind myself that I am first a student and that my mom would give me a knock if I flunk this class because of some things

.

I lost my mind, fixed it and got back up many times this past month but some months are like that. I doubted myself, the contentment that I always hold so closely, I feel like I dropped it under my bed and walked around on some days. I wanted so much and when those days came, I could hear my mom's voice, I could hear her telling me to be calm and that everyone isn't on the same path, I'm so glad I listen to her; so that could be your take away from this rant of mine, ‘we’re not all on the same path, your time will soon be here’, well as long as you're not sitting down and folding your hands like something's going to fall from the sky, you'll be fine.

One other thing I realized this month is that some people never change, not everyone should have your benefit of the doubt because my dearrr, you'll most likely not benefit from that doubt (did y'all see what I just did). Use your heads and let your discernment be higher than ever.

Live life, be happy and one thing I learnt from Aaron Burr while watching Hamilton, smile more and talk less. I'm a chronic talkative that smiles a lot so maybe that could be a lesson for me and someone else out there.

So you that's reading this, how was July to you, did it caress you and give you roses or it bit you so hard in the ass maybe even injured your ass crack, let me know 🌚.

Lest I forget, music is bae. Couldn't have survived last month without Spotify. Long live Spotify!

!

Till next time, muah💕

My art is not a distraction, my art is not a distraction, my art is not a distraction.

I chant to myself for the tenth time since I got up from my bed this morning.

The thing is that, I've been saying it, saying it to myself consistently but yet I haven't opened my books. I haven't read anything, I haven't done the dishes, they've been looking at me for the past three days, I'm sure flies would soon come around.

I've been looking at the blinking cursor, going on and off. I can't think of anything to write, I can't think of anything to say, my mouth is shut, my brain is quiet and my body is tired. Along the line I had an epiphany, oh yes, something just flashed in my mind, it's flowing, let me note it down.

Your art is not a distraction, it's a dimension of who you are.

It is something I heard from a call/webinar session I joined recently.

So the thing is that, my art is a distraction. Maybe my art is distraction or distraction in itself it's my art.

This art that I possess, the art that I don't know if I possess, I don't even think I possess it. It's something I feel and so it's alive, I feel it flowing in my veins, its throbbing and it's beginning for a release. I don't know what is going to be released and so I just open my notes app or even my substack app, there has to be a way to release this from my chest. Instead the first thing that comes out is a complaint, me complaining about something I saw or just generally how bad my week was.

I'm digressing, something I've noticed I do so well, but this art distracts me. The art of so many people distract them. They have no balance, we have no balance, balance is an illusion and so one thing fails, the other flourishes and on somedays they both fail. You get tired and feel like giving up.

Saying that the art is a dimension of me simply implies that it is a part of me, just like how my leg is part of my body and I can't just abandon it somewhere and go about my daily activities. Somedays I want to drop it, I want the noise in my head to go shhhh, I want the peace that this art doesn't give me on some days. As much as it is a dimension of me and so I should let it flourish to a way that it becomes an extension of me, some days I want to drop it under my bed and move on with life.

On the topic of distraction, I should be sleeping but I'm here trying to express the art I doubt so much on some days. I should be reading but this has been buzzing in my head since morning and I couldn't get anything done. So maybe it's not a distraction, your art will open doors for you, it'll speak for you and on somedays it'll speak even before you enter the room. On other days it'll distract you from your potential, it'll close your eyes, you'll see only the art and forget the other things you have to do.

So is it a distraction!?

Is it a dimension?!

Is it both.

A study picture I feel is aesthetic because I just ranted to you guys and I'm going to sleep now.

Muah 😚✨

If I’ve been given a dollar for everytime I’ve been asked what my favorite movie was and I responded with ‘Friends with Benefits’, I’d probably be so rich. Just joking guys, I’ve probably been asked that question only five times in my entire lifetime but i guess that’s not the point for today.

I watched the movie maybe in my JSS3, that’s like in 2017 or 2018. Before today I wouldn’t have been able to say anything about the movie, I only remembered one scene - where Dylan took Jamie to his parents house, I didn’t even remember anything from that scene; only the fact that it was at his parents house. And so it’s crazy, how can i say it’s my favorite movie when i can’t give you the intricate details of the movie. Well I finally wrote my chemical pathology and pharmacology tests this week and since wednesday I’ve been sleeping, trying to get myself back because I know another set of tests are coming soon. I’m not a movie person but I saw myself thinking about what movie to watch and then I remembered this movie, I kicked my legs happily, covered myself with my blanket and then got to it. I smiled so hard, I remembered all my expressions from the past years, I remembered how sad I was and then I gave myself a mental knock because after all my four years of medical school I can’t still point out the pathophysiology of alzheimer’s disease.

Friends with benefits, that was the first time Justin Timberlake was showing on my screen, I thought he was cute then, watching it again I’m grateful he has gained a little weight, he looks better now, at least that’s what I think. One question i have is that are people still practicing such, like full on friends with benefits ship.? I think I’ve been in such a situation before and all I can say is never againnnn. I eventually fought with the guy’s girlfriend, yes he was in a relationship, she walked to where i was and gave me a hot slap then I slapped her back and the fight started, it was a messy thing. The emotional baggage that comes with a friends with benefits ship is so scary. Dylan and Jamie eventually fought, Dylan was too proud to figure out what he said that made her angry. His dad that had alzheimer’s told him something that stuck with me, life’s too short, if you feel that something or someone is the one for you, fix it.

Life is short, it’s almost annoying how short it is. Infact it’s crazily annoying how short it is. This week a footballer died alongside his brother, they were just 28 and 26. the 28 year old just got married the past week. They had an accident, I saw the pictures and I could hardly recognize the lambo they were driving. It was even worse because he played for my club, he made me smile, made me blush, him and the whole club made me sad on some days but that’s what football is about. He wore the number 20 jersey and we just won our 20th trophy. I can’t even begin to describe how cold I felt when i heard the news and then i began to wonder how his wife and family were feeling. I didn’t even know him personally and yet i was so sad and devastated. Why do people die, why can’t we all live happily forever. Ever since I started watching football only people like Maradona and Pepe have died, they were old, they had retired and i understood that they were old and maybe it was their time but I can’t understand this. I don’t understand this, I don’t understand how it fits into God’s huge and mighty plan. I’m not trying to question God, I’m not even demanding clarity, I know he doesn’t work that way but it’s just so sad

.

Lest I digress, life is short. you and partner are having another silly fight !? sit your asses down and fix it. Your career isn’t bringing you joy anymore?? sit and think about what you want to do next. You feel like you aren’t doing enough?? well think about what enough means to you. Think about how to bring joy to your life and to those around you, think about how happy you want to be and then actively start trying to be happy. You want to make a difference in the world?? what’s stopping you?

There’s no time. Life isn’t waiting for any of us. Start living, start going out, start smiling again, reconcile with that friend, call your mom and check on her, call your dad and gossip. Get your life together and start living. If you're ever scared about what your next step may be, I’ll leave you with my favourite quote - as you start to walk on the way, the way appears. Start living, especially for yourself ✨

.

My dear country, I've never been fluent in things related to this place, anything asides from making and talking about plans to leave this place, I don't think I know how to talk about it. But recently I find myself thinking, I read think pieces, I watch videos and everytime, I remember the many times my father has told me that I never met a good Nigeria. Honestly I can't even argue because my mom always tells me that when she was in university, a plate of food was thirty naira. Thirty naira. Fifty naira can't even get you anything reasonable in present day Nigeria.

Now I don't think I'm just talking about finances and how bad the naira has depreciated, if that was the main point of this write up I'm sure we won't see the end of this.

Recently I've watched videos from the past, videos with people of old Nigeria talking and honestly I’m in awe, I'm always in awe. I read a comment one day saying that people back then used to sound like the British, polished and all of that stuff. I'm not going to sound like the old people presently that make it look like the teenagers in this generation aren't mentally sound or breaking boundaries, you'll never hear me say that because most of the things we face in this generation, they never saw it coming. What I would say is that maybe the quality of education or the mind of the people being educated has deteriorated, because many people now can't put sentences together, when you try to put your diction together and sound like someone that spends a lot on their school fees they'll try to make you feel like you're pretending or trying to impress them. Why would I try to impress someone that can't put a sentence together??

I was scrolling on TikTok while in class, don't blame me the lecturer wasn't teaching what we were supposed to be learning- I don't know how to explain that to you guys 😂, but while I was scrolling I came across a creator, she focuses on those big crime stories that haunted us as a child. She talked about ‘Otokoto’ and many others. I vaguely remember hearing Otokoto when I was a child, something along the lines of ‘don't go out at night oh if not otokoto will get you’. I'm not going to talk about the horrid things but one thing that stood out was a system that was almost completely working. A system that saw crime, saw things that weren't working, saw things that needed to be put right and actually did those things, a system that actually tried to fix things. The government saw crimes and then the police and army were willing to get the criminals, sure corruption runs deep in this country and some criminals got away but surely I was wowed that people were actually doing their job.

In present day Nigeria we're so used to doing things haphazardly, not doing things the way they should be, bypassing system that are put in place for a reason, the people in power doing what they shouldn't do-I mean we put you in power for a reason. Politics is crazy but it's something we should actively try to be involved in because complacency isn't cute and neutrality isn't it. Lest I digress, things were maybe working then. I added the word ‘maybe’ because I wasn't alive then and I feel like I haven't asked all the right questions.

I've seen houses that were built in those days, structures that were in place and really; I never knew that those things were existing in Nigeria then. The thought that went into the structures, the skills?? Truly we're a blessed nation, a nation with so many educated people and so I wonder why, what happened, what's currently happening. Surely I'm not the only one that has these thoughts sometimes.

I want a Nigeria where I'll be happy, a Nigeria where I won't always think about leaving. When I first got into the university, leaving the country wasn't a top priority, I remember a conversation I had with someone when I was in my penultimate year of secondary school, I told that person that leaving the country wasn't on my mind then and that if everyone left the country who will build it. The guy laughed in my face and totally disagreed, that's the idea I've always had but now!? Someone asked me recently if I had intentions of leaving the country when I'm done with school, I laughed because I remembered the phone calls I've been having with my parents, those calls had details of what exams to write, where the finance is going to come from and they always ended with my dad saying ‘PraiseGod just read, do your best, pass your exams and we'll figure everything out later’. I'm so happy I have parents that actually ground me because honestly I would have gone crazy. So yes if you ask me now I want to leave the country, I want to be in a place where i won't be constantly judging and asking when it'll get better, the only thing is that I know that Nigeria is my home, it's my country and I'll most likely be back to build this place the way i know how to.

So back to the question I asked in the beginning, what exactly happened to Nigeria, when and how did everything deteriorate, all the systems that were in place where did they go to. I'm honestly so confused because where did the Nigeria our parents grew up in go to.

We always say that this generation are the leaders of tomorrow, I'm so sure that my generation will do worse when given the opportunity so who exactly will save us, who will build our economy and who will pull us out of the pit we're in. I feel like these are questions we should ask ourselves everyday, we all want to leave the country but it's high time we realize that the countries we want to go to were built by the people in them.

.

For the life of me, I can't seem to make it work, I can't seem to figure out why I'm so tired, maybe it's the never ending syllabus, the fact that there's always something to know and there's always something you don't know. Right now I'm looking at the timer I paused because I couldn't figure out why a subtopic that's just two pages in my very large textbook is fifty-six pages long in the lecturer’s slide. I'm remembering the amount of things that I should be doing, the amount of information I should be putting in my head but I'm legit so tired like tf!!.

I've always said that medicine is a jealous lover but everytime I say it, I mean it more than the last, I mean it and hate how it sucks all my fun, it doesn't let me have any fun. That's partially my fault because I've been invited out by many medical and non medical students but I turn them down, I turn them down because I feel like I can either sleep, read or at least look at the ceiling and do nothing. In reality I just miss and need the quiet, the places they invite me to would never afford me that and so I turn them down. I turn them down over and over again, a part of me is scared they won't invite me to anything anymore.

I developed ways to have fun, scrolling on TikTok, watching a particular lady on YouTube, but now I see medical topics on TikTok, I see the medical ignorance of so many people, I see the diseases people are dying from and so I realize that maybe I should be with my textbook and not on this app. I open the YouTube app and the lady I'm listening to honestly sounds so smart and so I realize that I need to sound smart too, I then keep my phone and go back to the thing that made me feel like I needed to have fun.

I used to read so much, I've always loved reading. It was partially the reason I felt I would survive here but now I don't know. I don't remember the last time I picked up a non academic book and actually tried to read it. I opened one of my old journals recently- I always used to write after reading a book, it concluded my reading process, that's how I knew I was really done with the book. I opened that journal and the last entry was from 2023, I tried reading somethings I had written there but I honestly couldn't, nostalgia’s a bitch and it hurts. It hurts a lot. I miss those simple times, I mean what do I really do for fun these days?? Listen to songs that are almost sadder than my life. While I admit they bring me joy and peace, I don't think that's the way to live life.

I didn't go to school today but I'm still so exhausted, you all can see what I mean at this point.

I was opportuned to host an event for Rivers State Medical and Dental Students, I asked one of the speakers how do we survive the class I'm currently in and she said you just show up, day after day, little by little. It was a public event so I couldn't tell her that showing up daily was hurting me, the sad thing is that not showing up will hurt me more than showing up ever will-which is why I wake up every morning and drag myself to my lecture hall which is on the other end of the school, I open my pharmacology textbook everyday and read, i read every drug I see now because anything can be my exam question.

Doesn't all this sound so dreamy, after all people struggle year after year to be in medical school, people wanted to pass their professional exams so they could be in this class so I truly am happy and that is why I'm writing this just so you guys can feel my joy.

Just to deviate a little, I read something, a lady saying she wants to be successful and so she can't date for love, I smiled, nodded and then clicked on it with so much speed. Someone commented that If a man isn't adding to your life, he's most likely subtracting, he's most likely frustrating your efforts and I'm truly sorry and annoyed that women keep on meeting these kind of people. The author wrote about how the man she was dating told her that she thinks about things too deeply and she responded with maybe he doesn't think at all, I think that was the last straw and then she decided to leave. The main question I have is why can't we have it all, why can't I want to be successful and then date and marry for love, why do I have to choose. Why do we always have to want so many things and still settle, at this point what's the point of wanting things?!.

I just got my May music recap, this is the page showing the artists I listened to the most.

.

And I'm sure it looks kinda weird, someone asked what Davido was doing on the list. I didn't answer, what that person doesn't realize is that before music started being so deep to me, before I started feeling so much, Davido was there for me, tbh I hope he always is. I hope I can always return to his songs and smile and remember the silly things I did. When I got the recap I laughed and said ‘May was a month’ because that's what it was, I have no words other than I survived it.✨

Happy new month and I hope this month brings us joy and fulfillment 💓.

Every since then I fluctuate between loving my hair and hating it, loving the way I look once the hair is made and hating the way I look after taking my braids down.

This morning, I woke up late, woke up by 6:38 to prepare for an 8 am class- to the average man that seems like a lot of time to prepare, not for me; I have to boil water, iron my clothes, pack my bag, eat breakfast, have my bath and then look for a bus to take me to the class venue, always in this order. Since Tuesday this week, combing and styling my natural hair has been added to that schedule.

I usually put it in sections at night so it's easier to work with in the morning but today I slept by 3:50 and was supposed to be up by 6, I woke up later than that so you can see why my hair was harder to deal with today, it didn't let me comb it, it didn't let me pack it either, I was frustrated and ended up being almost late to class.

I know I'm not the only one, most girls of African origin have heard the saying, ‘your hair is your crown’ or something along that line. How can this be my crown, how can I wear it proudly when it gives me reasons to dislike it. It cuts, it's hard and my scalp aches.

In the olden days/times, our hair used to be so much more than an accessory, it used to be a way to convey messages, I read somewhere that cornrows used to act as maps during the slave trade and war eras.

Those days people used to love their hair, style it and manage it beautifully. I think the era of hating our virgin hair somehow came with civilization, the slave owners used to shave their heads, see them as dirty and make them do heavy labor, they also highly favored the black slaves who kept their hair presentable ( they made them work less). The slave owners made them forfeit their hair care products and combs. I also read that their combs were highly significant and were inscribed apart from this they also came with their propaganda and products which most often destroy our hair.

These days it's hard to even love your hair, you see hair straightening products everywhere, how are we supposed to embrace our curls. Mind you straightening products didn't come out now, they have been in existence since the 1900’s

.To be very honest, I don't blame people straightening their hairs or relaxing it, I consider it almost every day. It hurts me whenever I decide to put it in braids, I don't sleep well for the first two days after making it, it looks pretty and then looks bad after three weeks, when does this cycle end.

How are Black ladies around the world supposed to love their hair when it steals opportunities from them. Most companies will almost always pick a white woman with her white hair over a dark person amd yet she's supposed to embrace her curls and wear them confidently outside. In schools she is laughed at and people try to touch her hair

. I remember when I was having a lab practical in my second year of university, this lecturer walked up to this girl and told her that her hair was dirty and she looked unkept, I was sad because really we're the problem, how's that girl supposed to wear her hair proudly when even you- a black Nigerian/African tells her she looks dirty just because she isn't on braids.

Loving this hair we have, this curly mess on our head is hard. It may not be hard for you but it's hard for me. I love it so much on most days and on others I don't even want to see it. Is there supposed to be a balance or should I just be happy that I love it on some days and then I take the pain and stares whenever I decide to wear it out.

Propaganda you’re never falling for = things you’ll most likely never agree to, things you’ll most likely never accept or see eye-to-eye to no matter what happens.

What I was listening to when i started writing👇

I think it’s such a “not so cutesy” trend because now we can see how you think, who you are, no more of the pretentious BS, for this post it’s going to be so simple- I’ll judge some very few things I remember from tiktok and then I’ll state the propagandas I’ll most likely never fall for, I’ll also explain why. Y’all will be getting a free pass into my mind at least for the minutes you spend on this newsletter.

I think yesterday i saw someone’s post and she mentioned male gynecologists as one of the things she’s never falling for and to be honest it scratched a part of my brain, maybe because I’m a medical student and I know how hard it is for people to choose their specialities, they choose the ones that will either be able to fund the life they want in the future, the one that’ll stress them out the least or the most, the one that will still give them the freedom to raise and have a family in the nearest future, other factors like passion come to play too. So what exactly did she mean!! a man that has spent his time, looked at the dishes the universe has offered him and chose his speciality then you come and say shit, don’t come for me guys I understand she’s a woman but I just saw it as her thinking the man was choosing it because of something sex related and I know that factor will most likely never cross a guys mind while choosing his specialty, the other thing that annoyed me was that people were agreeing with it. When I was in preclinicals and even before gaining admission I had heard that they were very skilled, I understand that it may be weird in the begining but the moment you or the doctor doesn’t sexualize it, there’s really no need for whatever resentment.

Another person mentioned vegetables and I honestly didn’t know how to react, like is you an adult!? what you mean vegetables, when we’re younger vegetables were literally our enemies but I’d like to believe we all grown now like don’t piss me off.!

Someone else talked about going to bed early and I was in shock I’m thinking of ways to sleep early and someone’s saying something else like come on. I'm running on serious sleep deficit, you have the means to sleep early and you're not accepting it !?. *Expresses confusion*

I’ve been watching someone on YouTube, on every Spoiled Girlie Episode ( that’s what we call it ) we try our best to not judge the people, we just think of what we would have done better, in this case I’m judging, I’m to tired to think of ways to judge without actually judging.

A different person talked about christian influencers and I had to go through the comments because I wasn’t understanding, don’t be scared guys I didn’t judge until I read the comments. People talked about how they try to push their version of christianity and their beliefs unto other people and if that is remotely true I think I understand their point but personally I think we need more christian influencers, the gospel must be heard right!? these people should only consider being that if their standing in christ and beliefs are on point, we already have too many fake Christians please.

Now I think we’ve judged enough right?? we should probably get to the propagandas I’ll most likely never fall for, just so you guys can judge me too.

Number one on this long list is hoarding academic materials - I understand our course mates can be extremely funny and bad but when did hoarding materials become the norm ??

I’m try to put the least controversial topics first, just picture me smiling🌚, I know your judging radars are already on and waitingg.

Number two is having kids before getting a ring like girllllll, y’all just started dating what you mean you preggyyy, just like that!!! what happened to wrapping it while doing the do?? The annoying part is that many of the relationships never last, they always start fighting once the baby arrives like didn’t you see the red flags?? don’t let me appear in your dream and haunt you.

Number three - shaming people on the internet, I shouldn’t even have to say much on this.

Number four - saying you don’t follow politics or it doesn’t matter who you voted for, babe let me hold your hand while I say this, that is so dumb. I used to be so nonchalant before now; but in Nigeria now we can all see that politics is everyone’s business, it affects us all whether we like it or not plus the person you voted for shows your moral standing as a person - we should all agree on this.

Should I try my best to keep this list to just 10 !?

Number five - giving compliments you don’t mean, I already have a post about this. If you don’t see anything nice just walk away thank yewww, I’ll never understand why you give compliments you don’t mean.

Number six - being friends with people you don’t like. How does this even work, and why is it even working??

Number seven - cheating in relationships. What happened to walking away when the feelings die, why are we cheating and when did we normalize this??

Number eight - hating on female celebrities for no reason. Babe/guy do you have a reason for hating or downplaying the achievements of Hailey Beiber, Kylie Jenner, Selena Gomez, Kim Kardashian ?? I thought as much.

Number nine - sitting on the fence. Like if i give you a knock on your head you’ll pick a side and see the consequences. You really can’t convince me that you’re a good person if you continually refuse to pick a side. There are so many things to be passionate about, too many things happening in the world please.

Number ten - abortion = murder. To be honest I understand that everyone is entitled to their opinions but please don’t tell me this, I’ll loose interest in whatever you’re saying. So we should all bring children we can’t cater for into this world ?? And don’t come to the comments and be talking about abstinence, I’ll find you and haunt your sleep, I promise you.

Number eleven and the last for this post, I don’t want this newsletter to look too bulky. The last one is anything that isn’t my opinion, clock that ladies and gentlemen!!!

Everyone is entitled to an opinion honestly, I still have so many things to say so maybe let me know if you want a part 2. Feel free to also talk about yours in the comment section, if I see eye to eye with your point, I'll remove your name from the list of people I have to haunt🌚.

Ladies and gentlemen I'm going to bed now, it's almost 2am and I have classes very early in the morning, is school even necessary??😂

A kiss from me to you👇

Subscribe now

I remember hating the people here, hating is a strong word if i do say so myself. I didn’t have any reason to be honest, maybe it’s because they never got my jokes or my slangs or anything I said. I’ll say things and they’ll be in shock, if i had said those things with my guys and friends, it’ll have been a normal thing. The people here grew up with fences too high and minds a little bit too small so I did what humans do best, what we’re so good at doing even though we don’t realize, I adapted, i had to switch in order to resemble the crowd, now i don’t mean this in a bad way. It just means that over the months and years I became an embodiment of the course I’m currently studying, I became a collage of everyone I had the pleasure of meeting, every senior colleague, every course mate of mine, every lecturer and every bench I ever sat on. Now I’m not complaining, do we ever complain after adapting !? we hardly even realize it. I’m not complaining because at least now i know how it feels to be on the outside, how it feels to be an outsider looking in and an insider looking out. There’s clearly a huge difference because whenever I’m with the people from before, they say I’m different well that’s partially because I realized I was leaving too fast, too many things we’re happening and passing by and i hadn’t had the time to even process what was going on. The minute I figured this out maybe i became a little bit grateful, grateful for the collage i was slowly becoming.

Now i belong to the slim margin of people that are capable of seeing things from both spectrums, I’m open minded on so many days and on others I refuse to see, hear or believe whatever thing that doesn’t resonate with me. I’m so calm on some days and on others I’m not. I’m also capable of being whoever you want me to be at whatever time you need it, of knowing whatever you’re doing and the intentions behind them whether good or bad I can see it, I’ve always being able to smell a mouse from a mile away, clearly all i’ve highlighted here makes me incapable of harming you or doing anything that could possibly bring you sadness, even when you figure out I’m hurting you, you’re in a state of confusion and shock, never hatred or sadness.

With all I’ve said, is it shocking if I casually throw in the fact that I love the other gender?? Before we get our pants in a twist, I don’t mean it in the way we all think, I don’t just go around loving and talking to everyone in the other gender, I specifically love having my own person from the other gender, that’s besides the point but yeah I love spending time with them, I love the dynamic that a friendship with the opposite sex affords me because clearly the way I am with my gender, the way I socialize with them will be so different. I also completely understand the fact that we need the masculine and feminine gender to be able to coexist in peace and unity, is there truly masculinity without feminity, there has to be a healthy balance of both certainly that’s why God didn’t make us all males or all females. I understand the interdependency between our genders and I’ve acknowleged it, now this doesn’t mean I go around doing things to the other gender that they won’t like, I Just really appreciate their company.

While I certainly don’t know how i feel about this place, maybe I’ll be able to fully say how i feel when i graduate and add the doctor title to my name, It's only a matter of time,but for now I’m just fully embracing every hurdle it throws my way because maybe things will work out in the end, not even maybe, things will work out in the end, I just have to make sure I finish as strong as I started.

I got the idea to write this post after a conversation with a senior colleague of mine, to be honest, I was shocked, I’m still shocked because I didn’t expect him to say things that’ll shock me, I judged him based on his looks and I certainly love when someone manages to prove me wrong hopefully I’ll have the opportunity to sit and talk with him again

I had the brilliant idea to use a med student collage as the image for today, you guys get the drift right !???? Say yes or I'll haunt all of you down 😂.

Honestly, I don't know about you guys but I'm tired of these rules, of these weird things that we've made look normal. I'm tired of watching pretty girls bring themselves down constantly because they don't fit into a certain norm.

I can't believe you're unhappy because your lips aren't as full as hers or maybe because you aren't as busty, now you don't even like what you see in the mirror. You're not happy and so you throw your face into a corner whenever a camera comes your way, you refuse to record your moments and have memories because you're convinced there's something wrong with your face. You're constantly looking for pieces of yourself to chip away, pieces of your body to lock in your closet, bits of your vocabulary to throw into the nearest bin just so you confirm into the latest standards. I mean, do you really like that drink you're taking or you're taking it because the other girl said it's doing wonders for her, are you comfortable with that outfit or because the other girl wore something similar and got a lot of guys, are you happy with the way you're sounding and the things you're saying, what's your goal here, are you truly happy!?

When was the last time you looked into the mirror and genuinely smiled, when was the last time you opened your Snapchat and took videos, when was the last time you dressed up for fun and just took pictures, when was the last you were happy with your face and body. What about your mind, do you like what's going on in there, do you like how your thoughts are spiraling?!

God forbid a girl loves herself, because in these times the minute you feel happy about your structure, you open TikTok and suddenly you feel ugly again, you feel incomplete and you withdraw, back into your shell.

God forbid a girl loves how her mind works because we're surrounded with shallow beings, people that spit vile and repulsive things, people that say things that honestly shock you but you smile because you so desperately want to belong.

God forbid a boy loves himself, I mean that's why you sacrifice your sleep and stay with those guys that irritate you right?? those guys that don't respect your boundaries and morals, constantly making you feel like thrash and reduce your IQ every passing day??

God forbid a girl actually has boundaries😂, you flock around that girl that has no morals and no filter, clearly you don't like her but at least you can borrow one of her wigs when you have an event right!?

Conforming to these standards are not only draining us but changing us, most of them aren't doing us any good but yet we're in a loop, we keep on running trying to exit it and be better but we're still stuck. We're stuck and we don't know what to do.

I don't know about you guys but I desperately want out, I want to fall in love with my features and my mind over and over again, only someone that truly loves himself can love another right??

Maybe that's why there's so much dislike in the world, we're constantly trying to better except we're bringing people down while we're doing that, that's why we compliment someone and mock another in the same sentence, that's why we see certain things and say nothing. Most people are becoming evil and they don't even realize it. Most people can't recognize themselves anymore, they feel they're too far gone. Handsome guy and beautiful girl, you're not too far gone and I hope I've been to bring up some questions in your mind ✨.

I honestly had no plans for this post 😂, I looked at myself in the mirror this weekend and I was so happy with what I saw, when I was younger I despised mirrors, I was never happy with what I saw, most of the times I still feel that way but at least I'm proud of my growth.

P.s- someone volunteer to be naming my posts so I can give y'all catchy titles 😂, or do you guys like the titles so far!?

Latest obsession coming right up😗, discovered it today and I'm in love 🙈

Simply put, an ingrate is me.

Now this may come of as weird or wrong, I'm too smiley and happy to be an ungrateful person, if there's anything I've noticed is that bad characters and attitudes don't show on our foreheads, they're not a glaring signpost that we walk around with. They're hidden, most times it hard, you have to spend time with a person before you can see their ugliness.

On a normal day I wouldn't associate such term with me but I just realized how much I suck up to people when I need their help, how much I accept them when I know they can help me, how much they irritate me but I laugh, say nothing and accommodate them, eventually I make them my friends because I need something they have.

I may be a bad person, you have something I want and then I look for ways to get it, you either give it to me or tell me how to get it, maybe this isn't that bad, the bad thing comes after I've gotten what I want. I suddenly get too busy, I don't pick your calls, I act like I was sleeping, on most occasions I'm sleeping but you get what I mean, I avoid you like the plague, most times I don't even realize when I do this.

I just see it as a normal way of life, you've out run your season in my life and so it's time to move on. What happens when I need your help again!? I repeat the cycle. Funny thing is that you don't realize it, I also don't realize it, it just happens.

Today I saw someone that helped me with something important last year, I've been going out to read a lot so I've been seeing him everywhere and I avoid him with so much power and energy, it's shocking because last year I would come up with conversation topics just because I needed access to someone he knew. In my defence, he told me he liked me and tried to touch me inappropriately on so many occasions, the person I needed from him eventually started trying to convince me to date him, thankfully I had gotten what I wanted so I took it as a sign to run.

I wouldn't call myself an ingrate if this was the first time it was happening. It's a never ending cycle, I'm so used to giving that when you eventually give to me I take it that you've run your course and that it's time for you to leave, the manner in which I do it is what makes me an ungrateful person. I walk past you, I look you right in the eyeballs and do like I do not know you, from that moment you become the plague. It's a bad thing I know 😔. To be fair, most times they touched me inappropriately or said things that were against my values, they may have been saying things like that previously but I hadn't gotten what I wanted from them so you see.

I had no intention of writing anything but I saw this person today and then threw my face in the other direction and increased my pace, while I was walking fast, ingrate culture came to my mind and I felt like I had to put something down ✨

What I'm currently listening to:

Subscribe now

It's Fridayyyyy and if you're like me I know you're so excited about the coming weekend, when I woke up this morning I was so tired, I didn't feel like going anywhere and guess what guyss, they cancelled my class, the way I shouted ehnn, my God is honestly too good.

I went to church on Wednesday and I was walking back with someone, per usual, I was complaining about medical school and all the troubles, when we got to my hostel, he asked me a question that honestly should have been simple to answer, he asked what's that goal that once I achieve it, I can die in peace, like I'll know I've actually done well, easy to answer right!?, the thing is that he said I shouldn't tell him that being a doctor is my answer 😂, he wanted to hear something other than that and I couldn't answer, I still don't have an answer.

While I was doing A’levels to enter into the university, I had this jotter where I wrote down all I wanted to achieve in life, all the milestones I wanted to complete, all the walls I wanted to break down, that jotter is sitting in my bookshelf at home in-between the numerous books I used to prepare for my first MB. Where did all those goals go to and why couldn't I give an answer, why don't I still have an answer. The thing that came to my mind was being a mother and a wife, I'm not one of those people that tells you getting married and having kids shouldn't be an accomplishment, ladies and gentlemen, it will be an accomplishment for me, marrying well and having a nice home to return to after numerous surgeries would do so much to me but deep down I know i can't give that as an answer, I've always wanted to do so much, to be so much that saying being a mother would be a terrible answer to that question.

The thing is that I've forgotten most of those goals, I've either forgotten them or lost interest, I honestly don't know how to do any other thing apart from reading, complaining, trying to rest and praying to God that I pass and this course isn't the end of me. From my third year in medical school, I realized that medicine is a jealous lover and I'll have to sacrifice some things so I'll actually graduate. The thing is that I don't even know what I've sacrificed, I don't know what I've given up, I don't know who I've left behind, it's either I don't know or I just can't remember. A part of me wishes I'll remember or that the passion will come alive again, maybe it's a good thing that the passions are lost at least i can focus solely on being the best at this medicine thing right !?, wronggg, I'm not the best, I'm not close to the best and I'm not even slightly above average, I'm so close to average and honestly it hurts, It hurts more than anything.

I was watching a video yesterday and one of the things she said was that we should write our five year goals, both personal, academic, financial and everything, I watched two videos yesterday and honestly they spoke to me too much, I had to pause and contemplate if I should continue watching. Now I have to think about those passions and maybe go through that book the next time I go home, maybe I'll rekindle a lost fire.

Now that I think about it, maybe the main point of the question was for me to figure out what I'll be and what I'll contribute to people, myself and the society besides being a doctor, the fact that I can't answer that question now doesn't mean I won't be able to answer it eventually. So cheers to us that had to give up or push something we care about to the back of our minds, cheers to us that had to sacrifice people and the things we loved just so we could do something else hopefully we'll be able to achieve those things we wanted, hopefully one day we'll remember them✨.

I know y'all are expecting one kind of song that'll go with the vibe of this post but instead🤭 I'm going to give you guys my latest obsession, hopefully you guys love it as much as I do💕.

The curls on your hair are so pretty says the random girl I walked past, she doesn't know I always put curls in my hair because I feel I'll look weird without it.

I love the way you dressed to church today says the random boy in church, he doesn't know I'm just coming from class, I'm exhausted, hungry and almost doubted the way I looked that morning.

I love your bag says most of my course mates and the lady in church, I almost didn't take the bag from the house because I thought I wouldn't like it

I love your nails, first time someone was complimenting my natural nails, I didn't know how to react.

Your smile is so pretty, I'm almost always laughing and smiling so thank youuu.

I love the way you look says the random girl and guy, they don't know I'm contemplating gaining or loosing weight. They don't know I feel so skinny on some days and so big on the others.

You look so pretty with your glasses, I never knew they were medicated, oh myyyyy, thank you so much, my vision is deteriorating but at least I'm serving looks.

The thing you do on your lips is so nice, can you also do it on mine, someone even said I have a skill and that I should considering monetizing it.

You write with simple words, I'll take that as a compliment because I know how many posts I stop reading because of how the words looked and felt, whenever I write I like to imagine/hope that everyone can understand what I write.

You write so well, no one has ever said this but I'd like to be delusional for some seconds😂.

The thing is that, I know how I feel when someone compliments me instead of pointing out my insecurities or just let's me be so I try my very best to say something nice when I see something I like. I've seen people light up because I said a nice thing to them, I'm sure other people have seen it too so why do people still say mean degrading things to people, why do people still try to bring other people down, why aren't we being nice anymore, I don't think it's that hard, it's hard on some days, on other days it's beautiful and comes easy.

I really had no ideas for this post, I just really wanted to leave something here since I'm on a little break from school(school's killing my creative juices, send help)

Till next time my loves💖.

Subscribe now

Share