10 years ago, I was a sophomore in a private school I personally disliked, with a desperate need to live out my creative desires. I lived on an island in the Caribbean. A dream life for so many people. Although I had tried to fit in most places, I only had 2 real friends. Nothing has changed in that department.

I was obsessed with 5 Seconds of Summer. I had clung onto their song lyrics after watching my parents get divorced and find new lovers. I simply did not know how to handle my emotions, and it felt like some of their songs were written just for me. I had already seen them in concert twice. I told everyone that they “saved my life.” Little did I know, I was the only one capable of doing that for myself. I pretty much only talked about the band. As you can imagine, not many people wanted to hear about what color Michael Clifford dyed his hair that month. He later inspired me to dip dye my beautiful dark hair with various colors. Purple, pink, blue, even green. This hair caused a riot at the private school. I got uninvited from birthday parties where the rest of the class was invited. Any acquaintances I had slowly backed away - as if a sixteen year old with dip dyed hair was dangerous to society. I just wanted to be seen. Instead, I was shunned.

I dated one boy that year. I was made fun of for dating him. He was on the sailing team with me, and let’s just say the other guys weren’t the biggest fans of us. I genuinely had no idea why. Now I do. I broke up with him shortly after being made fun of at sailing practice. I couldn’t take the pressure. To tell you the harsh truth, I really didn’t like him all that much. I didn’t fight for him at all. Bless his heart. I still missed the boy before him that was too good to be true. He was sweet, and told me I had the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. I never forgot that. I still think of him every time I show my teeth. That boy and I had broken up because I wasn’t ready. I am learning now that I’ll probably never feel ready for anything in life. You won’t get much if you keep waiting until you are.

I eventually switched to one of the other private schools on island. It was at this new school where I found myself. I gained a handful of friends, but the real win was that I felt seen and heard by my teachers (which is apparently all that my sixteen year old self truly wanted). I had always been an old soul, constantly craving adult conversation. Here, I had teachers that told me they believed in me. Here, teachers truly saw me, and respected what I had to say. This experience changed the trajectory of my life and was the true green light to my confidence.

If I could go back and talk to my sixteen year old self, I would tell her that if she wanted to walk the walk, she had to talk the talk. She was a walking contradiction. She was boisterous, yet she crumbled the second anyone questioned her choices. She was the most beautiful girl in every room, yet she was heartbreakingly insecure. It was almost like she was trying to be someone she wanted to be, but didn’t have to confidence to fully embrace it. Although that second private school had helped her out immensely, I wish she would have figured the whole confidence thing out before then. She was the coolest, but constantly looked over to the popular girls she thought were winning.

I would tell her that she is enough. She was born enough. I would tell her that she is worthy of everything she could ever want. That she never had to care about what anyone else thought. I would tell her that I am proud of her for making the necessary changes to find the place where she truly belonged. A lot of people fake it.

I miss her most days, and then I remember that she is still here with me. She actually never left. She is hidden underneath a decade of new experiences, but she comes out to play every once in a while. I thank her for that. To the girl I was in 2016… I love you. I always have and always will.

Time has an interesting way of removing people from our lives. Not because we necessarily have a desire for these people to leave us, but because sometimes, they just do. You both get caught up in your own ever changing worlds. Enough time goes by to the point where you realize you may not be able to go back to what you once had.

Time is beginning to pass. You have not seen each other in years. You both have stopped checking in regularly. A text asking them to hang out now seems foreign. It feels like that would be overstepping, however; a birthday message feels like just enough. You have watched them move away from their hometown, get their dream job through a social media post, and celebrate their wins with their beautiful new friends. Your love for them has never changed. Their love for you has never changed either.

More time passes and suddenly, they are engaged. Living their best life with their significant other who you never even had the opportunity to meet. Yet, you are as happy as you always would have been to see the news. In fact, you start tearing up. This is something you two dreamed of together. Something you both spent endless nights planning and wishing for. Then you remember that the childhood promise that you would be in each others’ weddings is now crushed. You will not be there. And she will not be in yours.

You let it go and move on, but the child inside of you weeps. How could you let this happen? Did you even let this happen, or was it just the ever passing time? Should you two have tried harder, or was this always in the cards? You imagine your younger self punching your stomach with tears running down her cheeks. When? Why? How? She could ask these types of questions all day but you will probably never get to give the answer. It is a dead end.

It might not be too late, but it starts to feel like it is. All you have left of the friendship are the memories. Growing up together. Watching movies, playing with imaginary friends, pulling all nighters and laughing hysterically until the parents would come in telling you two to be quiet. You experienced girlhood side by side. You wish you could hug her. Thank her for being there. She will always be part of what shaped you into the woman you are today. You begin to find comfort in the fact that this was always meant to be your story. The pinky promises you once made each other as children may be broken now, but the love you share for one another never will be.

As long as she’s happy…

And she says the same about you.

There are moments in life that completely alter your brain chemistry. Moments that shock you and strip you to your core. Moments so riveting, it’s almost as if time has stopped completely. Your breath hitches. Your heart races. Your tears begin to pour.

A moment like that happened to me years ago. I lost a love I thought I would have forever. It was a love I had planned a future with. When it left me, it took me to the ground. It ripped my heart out and took a part of my soul with it. It offered no closure.

I was sad for a year straight. The light left my eyes. My smile faded. My aura changed completely. All I wanted to do was hide. I wanted to sit in the dark and cry forever. I did not know if I could ever love again. It felt like there was a sign on my back with the word “unlovable” written on it. I figured if one love left, the next surely would do the same. I lost hope. I lost my spark.

I was never like that before. I was always the happy go lucky girl who had a great day every day. The girl who danced for no reason. The girl who romanticized everything. The girl who trusted anybody.

I remember looking into the mirror and not recognizing myself. I remember looking at my friends and family and seeing them look back at me with pity. How wild it is that one moment had the power to change everything.

My love leaving me hurt.

But my own self leaving me too?

That was the true pain.

Yet, I still held onto the moment that broke us.

Why?

If it was so painful, why did I carry it with me every day?

It’s been two and a half years now. Some days I do find myself thinking of the moment that once broke me. But I am happy. I have rebuilt myself. I took the solo route. Finding my way on my own. Learning my role in the loss. Searching high and low every day to find myself again.

I started from scratch. I started doing what I used to love to do as a child. Writing, reading, walking, running…

I listened to music every day. After a while, I started dancing again. Slowly & surely, the light in my eyes relit. My smile started to come back. My personality resurfaced. Turns out, I was in there the whole time!

I have not fallen in love again, though I tried with some. To fake it became exhausting. I found myself walking away faster and faster from the new ones. Turns out I am not unlovable after all. I know what I want now, and I am happy to wait until I get it.

Yet I still am not back to what I once was. I do not believe I ever will be, and that is okay. I do not believe I will ever fully let go and leave that moment, but I have learned to sometimes put down what I have been carrying. That is enough for now. Until the next love comes.

2025: The Year of The Snake

A year of shedding, releasing, and clearing up space. What was heavy and fake fell away. What was real remained.

2026: The Year of The Horse

A year of rising and moving with confidence. Doors will open. Momentum will return. You can finally walk in the direction that feels right.

1). Comparison is a thief of joy

2). Everything is temporary

3). True friends are few and far between

4). Free will should be used more often

5). Talk less, listen more

6). Everyone is born worthy, they may just not know it

7). It’s okay to cry and feel everything deeply

8). Authenticity is rare and the most beautiful thing of all

9). It takes less time to fall than it does to rise, but to rise is the greatest superpower

10). The choice has always been yours

11). You get what you give

12). Manifestation is real and easy

13). We’re all a bit mad and there’s beauty in that

14). True love is worth the wait

15). Never allow someone else’s ugly to make you ugly

16). Live for the hope of it all

17). Happiness disappears when you mix the past with the present

18). Actually, you can and you will

19). Your mission must be bigger than you

20). Fortune favors the bold

21). You win some and lose most

22). You‘re allowed to start over at any moment

23). The only way out is through

24). If you weren’t ready, the opportunity would have never been given to you

25). You have nothing to be sad about

We wake up with an intention on how we want our day to go. Positive, negative, filled with love or hatred. A cup that is half full or half empty…

One slips easily into the shelter of darkness. Concealment comes softly while the shadows consume us. Complaints can console. The negative asks less of us.

It takes less time to fall than it does to rise.

But to rise is the greatest superpower. Choosing to take that first step into the light changes the world around us. It takes some time; yet, we start to walk differently. The air feels lighter. Our breaths become deeper. The weight on our chest is no longer pinning us down. We are finally seen and heard. Freedom is felt for the first time.

In any moment, we can step out of the shadows and into the light. The choice has always been ours.

I am profoundly enchanted by those who are able to surrender to authenticity. Either their mask has been lifted or it was never there in the first place…

I admire when someone cries when they need to cry in the moment… when someone communicates clearly and effectively… when someone shouts even if their voice shakes... when someone acknowledges the fact that they are mad or upset…

Those who do not sugarcoat a thing… those who are able to find beauty in the little things… those who can share genuine love and laughter filled moments with others.

It is rare to find someone real in this day and age. When I do, I cherish them as if they are the greatest treasure.

It takes my breath away when I meet someone who wears their heart on their sleeve and has no walls to break down. There are no questions that need to be asked. All of the answers are right in front of me. That may just be the most beautiful thing to me. Those who listen to their hearts.