‎Feeling out of place in a world you thought you belonged in.Fear being the main cause for not getting the things you need.

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‎Imposter syndrome is what they call it.Feeling like you should change yourself and become someone you aren't,at some point in your life you no longer feel joy in something you used to enjoy.

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‎But an important question to ask is:

‎How?

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‎How do I not question myself?

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‎How do I not believe what people say?

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‎How do I not let my stomach turn in fear of "being myself."?

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‎How do I not let imposter syndrome affect me like it does?

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‎How does one not get "infected by the deadly syndrome which makes you believe you aren't welcome in a world you were born into?

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‎Well here's the answer:

‎Try believing you belong maybe then you won't feel like an imposter anymore.

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‎Because it's been tough

‎And I've had enough

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‎Of the constant worry

‎Of the constant pressure

‎The fear

‎Anger

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‎I want to wash my hands clean

‎Hope for the best

‎Look forward and see the end of the tunnel

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‎I want to wash my hands clean

‎And life breathe for me

‎Help me take care of the ones around me

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‎I want to wash my hands clean

‎To let things be and let life lead the way

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‎I want to wash my hands clean

‎Wet them with water,wash away the dirt,the constant worry

‎The constant pressure

‎The fear

‎The anger

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‎I want to wash my hands clean

‎Replace everything with calmness and belief

‎With no more pain and cries

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Credits:Pinterest

That's a bit disappointing for someone who knows that they can achieve more.

I've almost given up a thousand times but I'm still here.

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‎Have I found direction?

‎Well I'm making a new compass...But this time with other people,we are making a new compass.

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‎I'm taking someone with me I'm not going through life alone.Each step reassured that things with be okay...

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‎I've doubted myself a hundred times and I know I still have a million more doubtful days...

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‎Yes or no a common crossroad I always stop at.I take a step back look at all the pros and cons.Even after many pros the little girl who's at the back of my head always says No.

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‎The little girl never explores and always hides.I still recognize the little girl in me even though I grew,saw the world and still chose the wrong path...

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‎The compass is a symbol of direction, finding direction...Something all of us hope to find one day

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‎It's the middle of the year,I'm still not where I wanted to be...And that's okay

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‎A broken compass:A symbol of restarting and rebuilding

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‎I still have flashbacks of the things I thought have healed-but I guess healing doesn't happen in a few days,it takes years.Maybe I'm relapsing into the hurt I thought I healed from and I'm a few days into the new year,it doesn't hurt to dip into the old me that I let go that I thought I let go.

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‎I'm supposed to be rejoicing but a part of

‎me wonders when the happiness will end and when the sadness will start to hurt, when the wounds will start to bleed.

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‎Sometimes I think I'm not meant to be happy because I can never laugh too hard and not expect the worst to happen right after.The whole of last year I entered this heavy pit of sadness not because I wanted to but because I thought I couldn't be happy.

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‎But now I'm carrying happiness inside my heart and the sadness somewhere buried in my mind,hoping the windows will soon let the "bad" out.

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‎I can't be happy forever but it doesn't hurt for the world to sprinkle a bit of sadness every once in a while.

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‎Or maybe it's just me being sad,the inner sadness in me has come out.Because even though we hide it and put it in a place far,far away.Things will trigger them,it will let out something so deep you won't be able to control it.

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‎But it's easy to go from happy to sad but it's harder to go from "everything is my fault","no one cares about anything I say","I'm a burden" to "I feel whole","Maybe there is happiness at the end of the tunnel".

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‎To this day I'm still shaking dreading the day I'll fall back into sadness because happiness never lasts forever.

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‎Even though I'm happy I'm on eggshells expecting everything to go bad...

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‎Peace is one thing someone can't have forever,it comes from the control you have of your inner thoughts...

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‎Credit: Pinterest

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‎I tend to think the world is about to end

‎I pray I don't listen to the things my head screams in my ears

‎It’s loud and it rings like the bell that tells you it's time to wake up and live reality

‎And the only way to be okay is to sing yourself a soothing song

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‎When the clock strikes 00:00,

‎I begin to cry and think of the worst scenarios

‎The monsters under my bed,the scary stories I've made up in my head,the constant times I've told myself I'm okay when I'm not

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‎When the clock strikes 00:00,

‎After the rain has settled and a rainbow starts to form...

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‎When the clock strikes 00:00

‎it gives me time to think of all the bad so I can prepare for the good.

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‎When the clock strikes 00:00,

‎I realize this was all in my head and I'm filled with hope to start afresh.

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Credits: Pinterest

‎To promise myself a peaceful life,soul and mind and to keep that promise.

‎To keep my soul cleansed to the point where peace remains...

‎To allow birds to sing in a peaceful song

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‎You can't really blame anything on anyone but you as you made a promise to yourself...

‎To keep the peace,

‎Peace in the mind,body and soul

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‎As I pray for a peaceful day,my body knows it will be filled with havoc.

‎My soul starts to shiver,my mind spins...

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‎It's a usual occurrence but when tears run down my cheeks and drip onto my clothes I know that's when I really need the peace...

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‎That's when I need my promise to be fulfilled.

‎A promise of peace to my mind,body and soul

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Credits: Pinterest

‎I see a reflection of my old self in my new body

‎With scars still healing I still steal glances at my once open wounds

Still wondering when I'll fully heal.

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‎When I look in the mirror

I see my eyes welling up with tears that once signified sadness but now it's joy.

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‎When I look in the mirror

I see my myself laying on my bed contemplating what I should leave behind and keep.

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‎When I look in the mirror

‎I see my past self and the scars she left behind

‎When I look in the mirror

‎I see my future self achieving goals far beyond what I had imagined

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‎When I look in the mirror

‎I wouldn't want to turn back time because it has shaped me though scars,memories,emotions and a renewed sense of hope and belief.

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With last last look in the mirror

I realize I am the person I am today because of the multiple attempts taken to feel alive

Credits: Pinterest

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‎We always say "I can't live without you","What will I do when you're gone",but the real truth is that we continue to live through the pain and find fulfilling ways to fill the void of grief.

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‎Through the countless years that death has occurred in my family each one has taught me the same lesson time and time again...YOU CAN LIVE THROUGH IT and YOU WILL.

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‎Although sometimes the grief follows me around like a dark cloud as it's impossible to be perfect without life "sprinkling" a bit of sadness.

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‎The phase of acceptance is one of the most important parts of grief.Its when you start building yourself up from where you thought you were crumbling.Its where you learn to do things for yourself that they used to do for you.

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‎And when you finally make them proud it will feel like the sun's shining a little more each day,like the sunsets glowing longer,like the doors are opening for much bigger opportunities than before.

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‎It will feel like you need to treasure their life in your work because them being gone wasn't only a curse but a blessing because you grew to be more independent than ever before.

Credits: Pinterest;All picture credits go to the creator.

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‎Pouring cold water in the the bathtub reflecting how frozen I feel inside

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‎Doing nothing but sitting still in the water wondering why I am the way I am... Going in circles and never wanting to get out because I know the amount of energy it takes to swim in water when you want to drown...

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‎The world's a little blurry,the memories sting and linger in the air.

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‎I never thought I'd say this...I'm slowly going deeper and the person who used to pull me out is no longer there...

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‎Credits: Pinterest

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‎I was always moving from task to task and never saw the need to stop and breathe.But the clouds taught me to seek perfection in the imperfect days and find the pieces to the bigger picture.

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‎Today I swayed with peace like a tree on a windy day and all I felt was joy,I laughed after months of not laughing,as I spun around the world began to spin too,it reminded me of how carefree I was as a child and how carefree I am now.

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‎And when the world comes knocking I remember that it taught me to breathe,believe and become

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‎Breathe to refocus

‎Believe in myself

‎Become who I've always wanted to be.

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‎Picture credits:Pinterest

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‎There's a stage where you meet someone new,they call it the "honeymoon"stage, whether it's a friend, parent or lover that stage is always there.They will give you love, patience,care,belonging and then one day your world will run dry and become black and white.

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‎You will be physically, mentally and spiritually drained.Even though your world is now black and white,the hues of black,white  and grey will be identifiable.

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‎When you identify the hues,that's your cue to pick yourself up and get moving, people will tell you "move on, you'll find another person who will be all the things they were".

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‎But moving on will take days,weeks,months or even years.The days will drag,memories will be reminisced and your heart will feel heavier than usual but it is important that you see it as a "trial run"to teach you who deserves you and who doesn't.

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‎It is a reminder that losing yourself is important to gain a better understanding of your environment and personal needs.

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CREDITS:PINTEREST

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‎Calling you by name gives me chills down my spine because when I do,it makes you run faster to come knocking at my door...

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‎I never tell people you are coming over because I think I can handle what you are going to give me but I can't...

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‎I can't handle the way you’re going to consume me whole,how you will keep me in the dark and tell me how to think,how you are going to come knocking at my door and how I'll let you in even though I know how the story always goes...

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‎I'm scared to call your name because I know how you make me feel about myself,tell me where to go and how to see the world.

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‎But sometimes I'll call you by your name,welcome you in,give you a chance to speak your mind and when I do,it gives me space to breathe and be myself even in the darkness.

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Credits: Pinterest

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‎Some might take it for granted but I acknowledge the space simplicity occupies when it's around.All of a sudden...my never-ending list of thoughts becomes untangled and unravels at the base of my brain,the files reorganize,fresh air enters and I breathe a sigh of relief.

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‎My wilted flowers now stand tall in the presence of the praised simplicity.Thoughts organized,life in check-simplicity never fails.

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‎But when she leaves,all the lights turn grey, windows close,the wind never blows and no one ever knows when simplicity will be back to shock us back into believing we can do it.

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https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Mkfp_2_kwa0&si=x7XhTvQEcWMjhAum

A short hum in the beginning of a song called Rain reminded me of rain on gloomy days and the words you'd say...

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‎Sometimes I want to see past the fear, doubt and sometimes I need you to say you'll be okay.The feeling I get when I crave your presence is unimaginable

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‎Everytime I think of you it's in the past not the present.Maybe one day we will meet and I'll get to give you not just any hug but a warm embrace.

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‎and when I do write to you I feel the pain in my body knowing I can't give it to you by hand.That your memory lives in our shared moments...

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‎Some of these sentences are left incomplete for those moments that I wish

‎you were there to experience with me.For those endless days I thought you would magically land on the corner of my bed to say "yes I'm here and I'm never leaving you again."

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But all I know is that flowers remind me of you.My favourite cloud reminds me of you.The memories of the last movie that we watched together still linger.

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You are still there just in the form of my favourite things...You are still my favorite person even though you aren't here

‎But sometimes I don't think they are worth the hassle

“‎A brain filled with unanswered questions is better than one with answers you didn't want to hear”

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‎Resolving an issue requires a very relaxed "not fighting" face and sometimes you want to react,but it's best you leave it at "the unanswered question"phase.It's not worth the cries,anger or doubt as to why the person behaved or said something.

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‎Understanding that you can never change a person is a position of healing because you don't fight about the same thing over and over.

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When you reach that point of acceptance your mind becomes emptier, though some of us like the noise it gets tiring and the mind will slowly "empty the files",peace will be found, happiness and joy will come your way.

When the mind gets emptied it leaves us with a hollow space searching for belonging.

I'm still in disbelief that I made it; the seed I had has grown into a flower. Through everything the world has put me through, the horrible phases I still wish to forget have truly pieced me together, forming one piece.

I've seen the beauty in the flowers that bloomed before me, the water that helped me grow into the person I am, showing me that I can overcome anything the world throws at me.

This means more life, love, and laughter is yet to come. More memories, adventures, possibilities are about to blossom.

The rain is finally growing those seeds that thought they were long forgotten.

I'd like to applaud those who've been with me throughout my life, as I hope to meet new people, make new memories, and be part of their puzzle.

I made it, and even if you didn't, one day you will... and when you do, plant a seed and watch it grow."

Pinterest

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This time with no overthinking, no "let's not take risks" – a clean slate with new challenges and new rewards. There will be no maybe, just yes or no. I don't know where I'm going, but this time I'm moving, I'm not stationary. I'm like a baby learning to crawl.

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‎This new year will be full of everything that is new – new memories, challenges, dreams, decisions, and a new road to fill with your own footprints.

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‎The new year is nothing but a reminder that all memories, whether good or bad, will come to an end. And whether it's happy tears or sad tears, there's no time to lock yourself in a room and lay there for weeks.

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‎Move, even with uncertainty, pain, grief, sorrow, tears in your eyes – the road you will travel this year might show you that you can do it, and you will do it, because standing still will leave you with nothing but regret.

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‎Stand up and move, even with no direction, because one day your compass will point in one direction, which will always be north.

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‎And if you want to stand still, you must have people who will move with you, who will carry you when you feel stuck, and when you start to move, thank them.

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‎Maybe I need to let go. Leave everything behind, but something in me says I should carry it over to the next year and the next and the next. Maybe I think it needs time to fix.

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‎I know I'm uncomfortable holding the burdens I possess and I need to let go, but I don't want to. But maybe I'm comfortable – I'm comfortable holding my tears hoping I don't cry, I'm comfortable holding my breath thinking things will work out, I'm comfortable sitting on the couch watching TV but not really watching it, instead I'm in my head.

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‎Maybe I'm not comfortable enough to forgive, so instead I replay the year in a blur.

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‎They say you need to be uncomfortable to grow, get out of your comfort zone. So I need to be uncomfortable to see the uncomfortable disguised as comfort.

‎Sometimes you need a bit of comfort to realize you are uncomfortable, but comfort comes at the cost of the uncomfortable – it means you need to let go. Let go of the burdens, the person you were before, let go of the patterns you keep repeating.

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‎Try letting go to become a better person in a better environment.

Image from Pinterest

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‎Its never about what was,what is and what is going to be.Its about who I am as a person and how I represent myself.

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‎I believe that I'm a tree rooted to the ground in my beliefs about my life and my future.

There will be people who will dictate everything that happens in your life and expect you to follow,sometimes it isn't about where you are but who you surround yourself with,how they influence your behavior and whether you are rooted to the ground or not at some point people will try to get in the way.Try to shake you up and when your leaves start to fall it means it's time for you to go because whoever you are around,they aren't allowing you to grow but slowly decreasing your worth

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‎So maybe it isn't about fitting in,it's about standing out,being your own tree and the ability to recognize those bad trees will set you free in a way that is unimaginable.

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‎Sometimes no one will water your tree so you need to step up and preserve those precious leaves because one day they will start to turn yellow and fall,sometimes around the right people it represents growth but around the wrong people it represents your depleting inner worth.

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‎Sometimes it's not about how many times you are doing something,it's about how you are doing it because no matter how many times you do something it may not be efficient but if done effectively the idea will be delivered in a way that is presentable,impressing everyone at first glance.

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Credit: Pinterest

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‎It's one of those days,one of those tests life gives you to see if you can handle the pressure.‎

My tears are blinding,showing the battles that have been boiling inside.

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‎And no I won't forgive nor forget.It's engraved in my mind forever with a sharp tool.

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‎Today is one of those days where I can no longer be strong....I need to cry a river,in fact the whole ocean.

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‎This is what I call a panic attack.I have them only when I miss someone who is in spirit or when I'm in stressful situations for a long period of time but today it's different,today it's rage...I'm a freshly  boiled kettle waiting for someone to touch me...

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‎But I'm choosing to look at the stars waiting for the spirit to reach the ground to tell them I need them in flesh and blood.I need them to supply blood to my heart.

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‎Yes,externally I'm alive with flesh and blood but I've also died inside.

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