Tuesday evening I was fucked in a way I’ve never been fucked before.

It was the most sensual, connected sex of my entire life, it was like being on psychedelics, but completely sober, simply high on life and love. 2 years in to my beautiful relationship we are constantly surprised that sex keeps evolving and unfolding as our sacred love grows, as we heal wounds and level up together, so does our intimacy.

I didn’t cum.

I could have, I could have focused my effort like I do 99% of the time, like I’ve been doing my whole life, tense up, focus, ‘make it happen’. Every now and then I drop into pure receiving, no tensing, no end goal, just complete presence, taking in every sensation and simply receiving pleasure.

This time I didn’t want to cum unless it was 100% in receiving mode, so instead of forcing it, I enjoyed every moment of tantalising, tantric pleasure and felt the heart opening nature of our intimacy and connection. I literally had to get up and dance around the room then run out to the balcony to feel the breeze on my skin because I felt so fucking alive.

My heart chakra was cracked wide open, not just at the front, but at the back, my receiving space, a space that has remains closed due to heartbreak after heartbreak. There was zero resistance to life force energy moving through me, in a way I’ve not experienced before.

Something shifted, and this was without cuming! ‘Imagine when I finally cum’ I thought…

This was Tuesday night. I told him I would wait till Thursday night when I saw him next, I would move through my days buzzing with sexual energy and desire until I was in his arms again.

Wednesday I was on a cloud, floating around, feeling very receptive to life’s blessings, feeling abundant, flooded with gratitude.

Noticing the subtle striving…

Today is Thursday. I’m having the most delicious morning. I woke up at 5am, went for a run followed by a long walk home, arriving at the beach in front of my house just in time for sunrise. I stood with my toes in the sand, waves lapping on my ankles as I watched the sun rise into a new day. I came home and had a soothing warm shower, I blowdried and curled my hair, not something I do often but always something that makes me feel like a queen. I made a nourishing porridge with berries, nuts, seeds and drizzled peanut butter. I made a cacao with cayenne pepper and honey. I lit candles and played my favourite music.

I feel so grounded. So in my feminine. So sensual.

Yet subtly I can feel myself trying to control the outcome of tonight.
Noticing subtle thoughts of ‘if I stay in this energy all day then…’
Then he’ll step into his masculine leadership and ask ‘what time do I get to see you tonight?’
Then he’ll organise a dinner date without me asking for it,
Then he’ll make sure he has plenty of time for connection and foreplay,
Then I’ll have his undivided attention when I see him,
Then I’ll experience pleasure,
Then I’ll have the best orgasm of my life and unlock something deeper.

I am trying to be in pleasure… to earn pleasure.

Maybe if I’m sensual all day, maybe if I’m in my feminine, maybe if I stay in the frequency of receiving, maybe if I stay in the frequency of abundance… then I will receive abundance.

Liiiiiisaaaaaa. Eye roll.

I’m still subtly striving to receive, rather than actually just receiving what life has in store today. I’m energetically positioning myself to ‘get a fuck’ rather than being fucked life, by the present moment, simply receiving what the day brings, simply knowing I am already abundant, right now.

I do this in every area of my life. A more subtle layer of earning. Of striving. Maybe if I am in my projector energy in my business, maybe if I learn to trust, maybe if I wait for the invitation, maybe if I rest just right… then I will receive, then I will be abundant.

At the most subtle level I am still striving to earn.

Fuck.

I noticed this, this morning, so I don’t have an answer or some amazing life changing advice. This is a live unboxing of my thoughts if you will.

My heart tells me this…
Don’t energetically position yourself to be fucked, simply let life fuck you.
Don’t energetically position yourself ‘to receive abundance’, simply allow the abundance of the present moment in.

I have spent a lifetime trying to earn love. The inner work quickly revealed the more obvious ways, the people pleasing, the ways I extended myself to meet others needs, the lack of boundaries. These fell away quickly.

The more subtle layers I’m still sitting with…

• In which ways am I ‘serving’ and sharing online in order to receive validation and affirm my worth?

• In which ways do I expect the love I give to be reciprocated? Is this unconditional love?

• In which ways am I trying to stay in a particular frequency to get a desired outcome, rather than letting the frequency itself be the gift?

• In which ways do I believe something outside of me has a key to unlock something within?

• What would it look like to truly be fucked by life in every moment?

This morning as I stood on the beach, the small waves lapped my ankles. I noticed myself watching the waves, and ever so slightly bracing as they came close, subtly bracing against the sensation of the cold water hitting my warm ankles. As I noticed this, I tried to breathe more deeply and just allow the moment to flow through me. To be fully present, no bracing.

It’s hard, as a human, not to brace, not to plan ahead, to be here in this moment, not to think about how things will play out, not to control outcomes, to manipulate life to flow the way we think it should.

Perhaps in doing so we’re missing the magic of what actually is. The adventure and excitement of life when we have no idea what to expect.

The tantalising nature of creation…

As I sat to type this article, as with every article I write, or with each time I create an instagram reel or carousel- when I create- excitement builds within my body. The excitement honestly makes me feel completely dysregulated, giddy, buzzing. It builds and builds. My body is overcome with creative energy, until my heart is burning and I strongly desire to hit ‘publish’ or ‘post’ to relieve the pressure that has built within so that I can receive love from without.

Today life forced me to close my laptop and move on, before finishing this article, before hitting publish. I moved through the coming hours absolutely buzzing, high on life, I could feel my aura spreading love to everyone in my path. I was truly present.

I felt like I was being fucked by life.

Perhaps this intense desire to publish my work, is another subtle layer of placing receiving and abundance outside of me. If I hit publish, I’ll quench this intense desire within me, I’ll be validated, I’ll be loved. When actually- I’m buzzing now, in the midst of the creative process. I’m being fucked by life right now.

The subtle art of getting a f**k

Maybe it’s less about ‘getting a fuck’, singular, an event, an outcome outside of ourselves, placing hope for happiness in a future moment. Maybe it’s always been about being so deliciously present in the now, in this moment, that we can be fucked by life, letting the waves hit us without bracing, truly letting life all the way in.

Maybe it’s about channelling the sensations of the moment into art, letting our creativity buzz so strongly within us, that it feels as though we’re being fucked from the inside out. Life is one ever present orgasm.

Suddenly the outcome of tonight feels irrelevant. My day has been so tantalising that whether I feel adored from an external source or not, means nothing. Suddenly cuming feels irrelevant, because receiving the pleasure life had in store for me was always the point.

Perhaps the best article I’ve ever written came from not having the very thing I thought I wanted.

Perhaps all of life is this way.

I hope you get fucked by life today, tomorrow and the day after.

Lisa Marie, xx.

At the retreat yesterday I shared pieces of my story,
The pieces where I spent a lifetime in fight-or-flight without knowing it,
Type A, driven, goal oriented, always running, never slowing down,
I thought it was my personality,
Until I fell pregnant,
Until life slowed waaaaay down,
I was forced into stillness,
A deep dark hole met me there,
I fell,
Into depression,
Anxiety,
Yo-yoing between complete exhaustion and ‘rampage mode’ as my ex-husband called it,
No in-between,
The fight-or-flight, freeze roller coaster,
No idea there was even a third state,
Functional flow.

As the kids grew,
So did my struggles,
Snapping daily,
Showing up in ways I wasn’t proud of,
Cortisol weight and inflammation started to pile on,
Digestion issues,
Relationship struggles,
Constantly needing control,
Perhaps if I can micromanage,
I will be ok,
Only perpetuating my frustration with life.

I started therapy,
I read ‘the body keeps the score’,
I watched YouTube videos that helped me link past experiences to current patterns,
I binge listened to healing podcasts,
I had all the insight in the world,
Yet a trigger would occur and I would react as I always had,
Nothing shifted within me.

Then my divorce,
Unexpected,
My forever person was no longer my forever person,
Solo parenting,
Working,
Anxiety 24/7,
I can’t go on like this,
Something needs to change.

I started to hear more about somatic practices and the nervous system,
'The missing link’,
I stopped learning and started integrating,
I quit coffee,
Alcohol,
Social media,
Dating apps,
Restored my peace to build safety within before gently adding them back as my capacity grew,
I learned to listen to my body,
Reconnecting through yoga & breath,
Vagal mapping,
Down-regulation,
Up-regulation,
Building my tool kit.

Everything shifted,
Life stopped going in circles,
Patterns stopped getting the better of me,
Healing started,
Wounds began to heal,
Cycles broken,
Rewiring,
Reprogramming,
Reparenting.

Life felt peaceful,
Functional flow became my baseline,
With tools to hold the rest,
To respond with grace,
Rather than react.

I had to share what I’d learned,
I found an online course,
Then another,
Learning,
I started showing up online to share this magic work with the world,
I started visualising a different life,
A life of time and financial freedom,
A life with more time for my kids,
A life with less work pressure,
A life where I could share my passion & serve.

My mind took over,
I hadn’t done the inner work to get there slowly,
To trust,
I hustled,
Late nights,
Early mornings,
Multi-tasking,
Pushing ads,
Chasing the algorithm,
Stretching myself too thin,
Overcommitting,
Listening to coaches online,
Copying people’s strategies,
Losing my authentic voice.

I quit my 9-5 to go full time in my business,
Then realised the business didn’t feel aligned,
My content didn’t sound like me,
My business model wasn’t quite my own,
The structure didn’t fit quite right,
So with no 9-5 I listened to my heart and pulled back,
I stopped creating content for my business,
I stopped bringing on new clients,
I leaned into the inner work,
I trusted things would fall into place when the timing was right,
I held the financial fears with love,
I worked casually as often as possible,
I was there for my kids whenever they needed me,
School assemblies,
Sports carnivals,
I devoted my time and energy to me,
I started writing again,
Here on Substack,
I found my authentic voice.

Then,
Almost overnight,
It dropped in,
The structure,
The flow of offers,
Everything,
It was so clear,
Not all that different to before,
But with clarity and assurance,
With my authentic voice,
With trust that if I showed up as the real me online,
The universe’s energetic algorithm meant far more than meta’s.

The universe whispered ‘the flood gates are opening, be ready’,
I set everything up,
Put everything in place,
Did the ‘back end’ work no one sees,
And sure enough as August came,
So did the clients,
The interest,
The resonance,
This time I can trust the pace,
Trust it will grow at exactly the rate it’s supposed to.

I’d been to a mini-retreat with the most beautiful yoga instructor and sound healer,
I’d floated the idea of us working together 6 months ago,
I wasn’t ready,
The time wasn’t right,
Now it was,
Now was the time,
Our missions so aligned,
Our modalities weaving perfectly,
Our strengths and energies synchronising seamlessly.

Overcoming every fear that popped up along the way,
Limiting beliefs that whispered and sometimes screamed,
’You’re not enough’,
Step-by-step overcoming,
Showing up and ‘doing the thing’,
Staying grounded,
Putting time, care and love into every detail,
Practicing my workshop in the lead up,
Refining,
Weaving my story with wisdom and practical tools.

The day has come and gone,
It was magical,
That ‘this is what I’m here to do’ feeling.

This article isn’t about how the day went,
It’s about taking a moment to honour where I am,
How far I’ve come,
We so often jump to ‘what’s next’,
We forget to look back and recognise we’re we’ve been.

Today I woke up with a deeper level of nervous system regulation,
The feeling deep in my bones that it’s all going to work out,
Almost laughing at all the versions of me who feared it wouldn’t,
Rather than simply trusting the timing,
Trusting the process,
This milestone seems to have brought me into deeper surrender,
An inner knowing that everything is always working out exactly as it should,
At exactly the right time,
Even the detours,
The missteps,
The train wrecks,
A part of the story,
Part of the inner work,
Shaping us into the person who can hold the vision.

If you’re just getting started,
Breathe deeply,
Focus on embodying the work you hope to teach,
Become the person who teaches it,
Trust the pace of steady expansion over the fears of your mind,
Be yourself,
The world needs you and your genius,
The rest will fall into place.

*Making these collages that capture the quintessence of an article brings me so much joy*

I have an online business,
That’s not why I’m here on Substack though,
I’m not here to create funnels and build an income,
I’m on Substack to create art.

I love to write,
I could write all day and night if you let me,
My dream is to live in a cosy countryside home where I write with a feather quill,
Or type with a typewriter,
I know nothing of publishing or promoting,
People do that for me,
I simply let the ideas flow through me.

That’s my dream.

To me, that’s being paid to exist,
Because writing feels like breathing.

I’ve been blogging since 2012,
On wordpress,
I would go through something tough,
Learn, grow, reflect,
Blogging became part of my process,
A way to create meaning from chaos,
People would read the blogs and say,
'Wow, you’ve put into words something I’ve never quite been able to articulate’
That is my gift,
I translate the soul,
Into words.

It’s inner work,
It’s art,
It’s staying grounded and deeply devoted to myself,
It’s not creating from a need for validation,
Or for a purpose constructed by the mind,
It’s creation from the heart,
Creation when I hear the whisper from source ‘create now’.

I’ve always said,
'I’m not creative, I’m not artistic’
Because I can’t draw, paint or play the piano,
I’ve never seen myself as an artist,
But writing,
Writing makes me lose all sense of time,
Writing is the language of my soul.

I heard about Substack,
A social media platform for writing,
'I AM THERE’.

Sure enough, within a month, I had quite a following,
People were reading my writing,
Thoughtfully commenting,
Restacking,
What?!
This is amazing,
Maybe my dream really could come true.

Then the self-doubt started to creep-in,
So many incredible women with beautiful offerings behind paywalls,
Yoga, meditations, teachings,
Women I admire,
Women I am in community with,
Soul sisters.

Do I need an offering?
To be paid to write?
My heart says no,
My mind says ‘what value do you bring?’

I was contemplating removing my paywall this week,
All that lives behind the paywall is stories,
Stories that are close to my heart,
Stories I’ve never told,
Stories that feel scary to share.

And maybe this is what I’ve really sat down to write,
To explore this fear,
Maybe I’ll circle back to being paid to express my gifts,
But for now I’m going to tug on this thread and see where I end up.

Side quest incoming…

Sharing my story is terrifying,
Putting it behind a paywall makes it feel a little safer,
Knowing who will read it,
Knowing it’s in safe hands,
But then I wonder,
Is it exploiting my trauma to sell my story?
Am I click baiting people into paying to hear my experiences?

It’s my story,
Yet I somehow feel as though I’m not allowed to tell it.

I was trained from a young age to protect him,
I learned the stories I was allowed to tell,
The ones I wasn’t,
The one liners to deflect,
How to cover for him,
Taught to fear the wrath of God if I was to dishonour his name.

Perhaps that’s why I’m scared to tell my story,
Perhaps that’s why I feel sick to my stomach at the thought.

I gaslight myself,
Others have had it so much worse,
My experiences are honestly pretty vanilla.

But it’s my story,
If I want to tell it I can,
If others want to pay to read it they can,
No one is forcing anyone to do anything.

It’s fear,
It’s not a beautiful, quiet, gentle knowing,
It’s nausea, neck pain, chest constriction,
I’m afraid to share,
I’m afraid someone will come along and say ‘that’s not true’, ‘that’s not how it really happened’
My body believes I will be physically in danger if I share.

My neck is twitching as I write this,
‘Attention seeking’, I hear his voice.

It’s crazy, years of therapy, somatic practices, nervous system work, inner work,
Yet the fear still lives in my body.

So what if I follow all of my nervous system advice and just go slow,
Share a little,
Ground in,
Make that feel safe,
Share some more when I’m ready.

But why share it at all?
I’ve healed,
I’ve done the work,
It’s the past,
I’ve forgiven and repaired.

Have I truly?
If the fear is still this real?
Is there a little girl inside me begging to feel heard?
Begging for someone to witness her, see her,
I can give her that,
I don’t need to have others witness me,
I can witness myself,
Hold myself,
Love myself,
I’m good at that,
Meeting pieces of me and making them feel safe.

What if it’s just not all that fucking deep,
Lol,
People write memoirs and biographies every day of the week,
They sell in book stores,
People write them,
People buy them,
People feel inspired by them,
People learn from them.

Perhaps I just need to know,
What is the purpose of sharing?

I can feel his hand on the back of my neck as I type this,
‘What’s the purpose?’ ‘why did you feel the need to do that?’ ‘explain yourself’.
Is that why I feel like I can’t?
I need a reason to tell my story?
I need permission?

My whole body feels wracked with tension right now.

This happened last week, by sitting and writing a new piece of my story I uncovered trauma still living within my body that I thought was long since healed. It really threw me. I was casually writing an article I assumed I’d post that night and then was completely overwhelmed with sensations in my body that I’d long suppressed.

Absolutely thrown by it, I tried my best to use every tool in my tool belt to care for myself that night, in the end, I ended up watching a movie with a pizza and drinking hard liquor on it’s own. On a Thursday night.

Whatever it was I uncovered felt too much to sit with. It’s a blessing to feel it again now, to know it’s coming up and that I have the chance to hold it again.

Maybe I won’t publish this at all, maybe it was only ever written to bring this up again.

This feeling of his hands on the back of my neck, squeezing tight.

I have done so much work to heal,
I’ve healed so much,
I’ve reset my nervous system to a beautiful, grounded, baseline,
I became a nervous system regulation coach,
I help other women do the same,
So it feels vulnerable to share that I am still human,
I still bear wounds,
I still accidentally uncover trauma and escape with junk food & alcohol,
Not all the time,
But last Thursday it was a piece of who I am,
And that’s ok.

I’ve tried to fit my existence into 4:5 instagram squares,
Into 3 minute reels,
To showcase how ‘healed’ I am,
To sell healing,
Genuinely, it’s to serve,
I want to help,
But I often buy the the lie that to help, I need to be healed,
I was never broken,
There is nothing to fix,
I am already whole,
This, this piece of me,
My fears,
My need for validation,
For permission,
It’s all a piece of me and it’s all allowed.

I feel like I’m unraveling a large piece of my conditioning right now,
The piece that says ‘this is who you need to be’,
Sure we are all told by society,
As humans,
As women,
But my personal conditioning too.

The thing is,
I have healed so much,
So deeply,
I am so unbelievably proud of who I am today,
Of how far I’ve come,
Yet there’s this subtle layer of still trying to heal away my humanity.

I don’t want people to see the messy side of me,
Even less so now that I work in the ‘healing industry’,
The fact that’s even an industry gives me the ick,
I can only show the love and light,
I need to fit in the box I’ve created for myself,
The nervous system coach,
The healer,
Still trying to have it all figured out,
When that was never, ever the point.

The point was always to love my humanity.

Ok, so wow, how did we get there?
Is that art?
Raw, unfiltered, real.

We’ve somehow circled back, I’m genuinely impressed…

Honestly,
I’m not going to stop running my business and creating content on instagram,
I’m helping people,
It’s changing their lives,
They’re starting their journey’s of coming home to themselves,
I love the creative freedom I have over there with different mediums,
I always do my best to be real,
Always coming back to authenticity and vulnerability.

Substack feel different though,
On Substack,
I am an artist,
Not a healer or a coach,
An alchemist,
Among my people,
Among community, friends, peers, soul family,
No one is looking to me for answers,
No one expects me to have it all together,
I am just me.

I am here to turn pain into art,
That’s all,
No strategy,
No plan,
Just art.

As I was considering removing my paywall this week,
Feeling as though writing wasn’t enough to be paid for,
Feeling as though I needed ‘an offering’,
I saw I had one new paid subscriber,
It was like a little message from the universe,
She was saying ‘you get to just be yourself and be paid for it’,
Sure, I currently earn a grand total of $22AUD a month from Substack,
Money was never the goal,
But it’s a little sign,
‘You are allowed’,
‘You are allowed to do what comes naturally to you’
‘You are allowed to be resourced to be you’.

Permission to be a wounded healer,
Permission to be messy and magical,
Permission to be whole and broken all at once,
Permission to be 100% authentically me,
No filters, no pretence, no boxes,
Just me.

I shared this little win as a note on Substack,
Two comments that stuck with me from beautiful community members were this…
‘you are the offering’
and ‘art is an offering’

Wow.
You know what,
I am the offering,
My life,
My body,
My story,
My humanity,
My wisdom,
My humour,
My insights.

I am the offering, the alter and the goddess.

So are you!

Our art is valid,
Our art is our offering,
Even if it feels so easy it doesn’t feel like work,
When it feels like play,
When it feels like it’s the cheekiest, naughtiest thing you could be doing,
Maybe that’s exactly what we should be doing more of!

What a ride guys wow,
My body is aching,
Stored energy in my neck, head, chest, back and hips,
Time to go give it the time and space it needs and move it through me.

I love you guys and I so appreciate the way you read and respond, I love how real I can be, completely unfiltered and raw.

It feels freeing to create safety to share this with you! In a way my body feels deeply relaxed, like it’s not gripping so tightly on to something it was holding on to.

Lisa Marie, xx.

I took time to move through all of this and come back with fresh eyes,
Wild how this simple article could send my body into a full freak out,
I feel lighter,
Being able to hold that feeling with love,
Make it safe,
Hydrate,
Nourish,
Move gently,
Teach my body ‘it is safe here’,
This work is so beautiful.

But what do I feel like writing?
Not ‘what niche have I locked myself into?’,
Not ‘what do my readers want?’,
Not ‘which content will funnel people into my membership when I launch it?’.

What do I feel like writing?
Has the most authentic platform on the internet still managed to suck my soul dry?
Have I still managed to fall into the trap of overthinking content,
Have I allowed ‘strategy’ to steal creativity?

Maybe I have.

Maybe I haven’t.

I’m here aren’t I,
Writing,
Typing,
Letting my raw thoughts see the light of day.

Poetry seems to be the cry of my heart,
When I’m truly present,
In my body,
Creating from pain and pleasure,
When I simply let it flow,
When my mind takes a hike among the wildflowers,
When I sip the fresh morning air and my heels hit the pavement.

Poetry streams forth,
It has no rhyme or reason,
No strategy,
No plan,
No mental logic,
Just creativity from the heart,
Not a mind trying to justify it’s existence,
Not a mind trying to over explain,
Not a mind trying to grasp at straws convinced it understands,
Just a bleeding heart spilling its soul onto a page.

That’s me,
I feel deeply,
I love hard,
I lean into the tragedy of life,
I ride the highs and lows like a roller coaster,
I romanticise it all,
Romanticise the tears & grief,
Drink from the nectar of laugher and joy,
Amused by the messy moments that would make an excellent ‘stereotypical type B girl’ montage on a screen,
Carrying too many things, dropping the keys, spilling the coffee,
I romanticise it all,
I’m a hopeless romantic.

Lately I have been asking,
What do I want to ‘do’,
My logical mind always asking ‘but yes, how does that translate to getting paid’
Because when I’m truly honest,
I know what I want to do,
I want to take care of myself,
My vessel,
My health,
My energy,
My babies,
The relationships closest to me,
How can I live from the profits of self-care?

I don’t know frankly,
It makes no sense to me,
But my intuition always leads me back here,
Utter self-devotion,
Unwavering self care.

Who am I to question my heart?

Is this a sudden pivot and massive shift?
No,
Just a micro-inner shift,
Another layer on this never-ending spiral,
The spiral that always leads me back here,
To deeper self devotion,
To self devotion as the foundation,
To self devotion as the key to prosperity and abundance,
To self devotion as abundance in and of itself,
A shift in my energy,
Shifting by degrees,
With each lap around the spiral,
Bringing me home,
Reminding me ‘I am worthy of that’,
I am worthy of investing my time and energy into,
Before I farm it out for profit.

I had a vision today,
Of a beautiful soul who loves to serve,
Striving to pick apples from everyone else’s tree,
Without realising she was the mother fucking tree,
She began to grow roots,
To become planted firmly,
The pouring of love,
Nurture,
Care,
Devotion,
Slowly but surely she began to grow into the most beautiful tree in the garden,
Providing shade and fruit for all,
She did so by grounding in,
Not by reaching and striving.

And here we are again,
All roads lead me back here,
My human design,
My gene keys,
Every intuitive knowing,
Back to self devotion,
Back to an inner posture of receiving, rather than striving.

Lisa Marie, xx.

Oh wow, there you go, I guess that’s what I wanted to write about haha.
Funny what comes up when you just write,
Without a strategy,
Just create from the heart.

This work has been the most fucking transformational process in my own life and the lives of the women I work with- I started writing this as a ‘what does it look like to work with me’ piece, then decided not to hold back on any part of the process, share it all so you can try what resonates as you navigate your own inner work.

So, what does working with me look like?

Creating spaciousness, building capacity, transmuting dark into light…

You come to me for a 1:1 session. On zoom.

I’ve likely spent the last hour grounding in, going for a walk, waving some Paulo Santo around, maybe some yoga, probably a cacao or cup of tea.

I like to pray before a session, which is funny to me as someone who grew up in church praying before meetings- these days my prayers sound something like ‘god help me hold the space this person needs, help me to hear, to love and to know intuitively in the moment what this person needs, amen’.

Then I see your beautiful face. It’s a wonderful moment in time, opening up zoom to meet you, I’m hit with your true essence right off the bat, boom, powerhouse of a woman- I see it every time, I see the you, you struggle to see.

You share what’s been going on for you.

Perhaps you’re working through anxious attachment in dating, perhaps fears around being seen, perhaps it’s self-sabotage in your health or the same cycles over and over again in your relationship.

Instead of talking about your patterns, fears and the stories attached, we go to the body, where it’s all being held.

We both close down our eyes, drop into the space, I open an energetic container of pure love consciousness that holds us throughout the experience.

We tune into what’s going on in your body.

Where is it?
How big is it?
What shape is it?
What sensations does it hold?

Intuitively, I guide you through holding space for this stored emotion.

Sometimes the frequency shifts in one session.

From heavy, dark, fearful- to light, peaceful, loving.

I’ve had a woman so anxious about sending her book to a publicist, she was crippled by the anxiety, the anxiety presented as a heavy, dark puddle in the solar plexus that she often felt as nausea. She ‘held my hand’ as we stepped into the dark void, anxious and afraid, then suddenly- I could see what she could see- sunlight, grass, flowers, a rainbow.

Feelings of ‘I’m enough’, ‘It’ll be okay’.

These weren’t words we tried to rewire through her mind, these weren’t words I planted, her own body had been blocking her from this truth of who she is, her worth, her true essence.

Sometimes the heaviness remains but we create a little more spaciousness around the sensation, room to breathe.

We increase your capacity to hold it.

Sometimes I notice a shift, did your jaw just tense up? Did your chest just start burning? I feel it with you, I help you hold it.

What do you think this might be telling you? Your body has the answers.

Over time you learn to use this modality on your own.

You tune into what’s going on in the body.

You overthink less because you’re safe to feel more.

You start to truly live, presence.

The loops that keeps you stuck…

Somewhere along the line, you’ve learned that a certain feeling in your body means something about your worth.

“If I feel this way, I am not worthy of love.”

The belief ‘I am not worthy of love’ activates a deep evolutionary fear- if I am not accepted and loved, I will be cast out from the heard and die.

Your mind has created a loop…

• Situation

• Sensation

• My worth is in question

• I am unsafe

So you avoid the situation at all costs, you seek to control outcomes, you plan ahead, an attempt to dictate the future- anything to avoid that sensation again, if I feel that way, I am unworthy, I am unsafe.

You remain a victim to that sensation, you cut people out of your life, you leave jobs, places and relationships that make you feel that way.

You’ve trapped yourself in a life where people and situations outside of your control, dictate how you feel and how you move through the world.

Yet somehow, you keep attracting that same pattern over and over.

That same sensations in the body.

Not by accident.

Life is attracting this pattern to you time and time again so that you can heal it.

So you can be free.

So you can heal the wound for you, for your lineage, for the collective.

When we heal our own wounds, when we stop filtering every experience through our own stories, through a wounded lens, we have more empathy and compassion for others, we can see their wounding, we can love them, unconditionally.

THIS is how our world heals. This is THE work.

So how do we heal it?

The situations will come, that we can be sure of.

When the situation arises, so too will the sensation.

Allow it to be.

Hold the sensation with love, create space around it, move it through the body.

Dance with it, create with it, run with it, sing with it, paint with it, write poetry with it- let it move, let it be. This is alchemy.

Tell yourself - ‘I AM LOVED HERE’.

Teach yourself with your actions, ‘I AM LOVED HERE’. In the presence of discomfort- slowly wash dishes with warm water, slowly take a warm shower, slowly cook yourself a nourishing meal.

Rather than numbing it, nurture it.

But sometimes we will numb it, sometimes we will project it, we are just as worthy of love here too, we are learning.

We will face the same pattern time and time again, each time with a fresh opportunity to sit with it, hold it, move it through.

We slowly detach the sensations from our worth.

We quit making it mean anything, it’s simply a feeling, we untangle from the story we’ve woven into the sensation- ‘this person has done this- it’s activated this sensation in my body- therefore it means this about me - therefore I am unsafe.’

No.

It means something about what’s going on for them right now.

We don’t always get it right, and these are not moments for shame- these are beautiful moments for contemplation.

Get curious.

Ask yourself…

• What sensations arose for me? Where was it, how big, what colour, what shape, what does it feel like?

• What emotion did this situation make me feel? Rejected? Lonely? Ashamed?

• What’s the story here?

• What have I made this situation mean about my worth?

• What was I craving in this situation?

• How is this an invitation inwards back to knowing I am worthy of love without needing ANYTHING outside me to confirm that?

• How could I give myself the love I was craving?

The work that continues, moment by moment…

Throughout the month as we work together, you have full access to me via voice notes or messages in WhatsApp, anytime something pops up- you can process it in real time there.

I will ALWAYS hold space for how you’re feeling, validate the emotions, honour you as you walk through the triggers in real time.

However, if you’re working with me, it’s because you want to be called out of your victimhood. You’ve got girlfriends who will happily play the blame game with you ‘he’s an arsehole’, ‘they shouldn’t have rejected you’ ‘what a shit boss’ ‘why is life doing this to you, you deserve a break’

That’s not what you come to me for.

You come to me to be called out of your victimhood, not to be left feeling like a victim in your own life.

You understand that true freedom comes from recognising what this brings up for you, what it triggers in you, what wounds are being activated.

So I empathise, I honour, I hold space, then I ask things like ‘what does that bring up for you? What are you making this mean about your worth? What feeling are you craving right now? How might you give that to yourself today?

Layer by layer, you find freedom.

Freedom from the stories that have been keeping you stuck.

You return to your true essence,

You find your authentic voice,

You come home to yourself,

You begin to build a life that feels grounded and aligned, the life you’ve always known you were destined for- this process is the pathway home, it’s the journey to the future that is already yours.

This is the process that has taken me from feeling trapped in cycles in my health, my relationships, my career, my parenting- on a hamster wheel of healing but never really shifting anything.

Working with the subconscious mind through the body, alongside gentle noticing of patterns and pouring love on shadows- has helped me build the life I’ve always dreamed of, this process removes layer by layer the fears and subconscious beliefs that keep you from your true essence- a creative, expansive being of pure love.

I have walked the walk, I have also qualified as a Certified Mind-Body Practitioner and integrated the incredible teaching of Richard Rudd’s Gene Keys Golden Path journey to form this method.

If you’d like a print friendly PDF for integrating this process ‘in the moment’ let me know in the comments and I’ll share it with you.

If this 1:1 work sounds like something that could really help you shift what needs shifting in your own life, I would love to chat and see how I can support you.

So much love,

Lisa Marie, xx.

I’ve always loved a good insight, an ‘ah-ha’ moment.

My insights were what brought me to blogging many years ago. I would have a revelation, think ‘wow this is fucking life changing’, I’d type away at 3am feeling so inspired that I just HAD to share my new found insights with the world.

Writing them down helped them to stick, little moments in time, little reminders of lessons I’d learned.

It took me a good 10 years from that point to realise an insight wasn’t a breakthrough- an insight or an ‘ah-ha’ moment in the mind wasn’t necessarily shifting anything within the body.

More recently I’ve been on the path of chasing breakthroughs. Using the Gene Keys and life’s challenges as a guide, noticing shadows, patterns, cycles, then when the moment came, when life presented an opportunity to spiral back around to an old pattern- sitting with a deeper level of discomfort that I’ve ever been able to before. Dropping down into the body, feeling the emotions, holding them, moving them through me- until suddenly light bursts forth, and I feel a shift deep within, something breaks, my heart cracks open.

A breakthrough.

Except, was it a breakthrough? Because 3 weeks later I’m back in the shadow lands, seeing the same pattern raise its ugly head again, and again the shame resurfaces, I see that there is still more love needed here.

Then I wonder, was it even a breakthrough? Did anything even shift? Did I imagine it?

Breakthroughs aren’t here to make us fucking robots.

I’m not a robot, I’m a fucking human being.

Just because I had an incredible moment of breakthrough- doesn’t mean I will never face that same pattern again, doesn’t mean those fears or desires are suddenly burned clear from my DNA.

I am still a fucking human being!

And then I realise, was I constantly chasing a way to heal from my humanity?

I was.

All along, subtle layers, distain for the human experience, the faults and flaws, the vulnerability, the weakness, the tenderness… heal it away please.

That’s what I’ve been asking.

Universe, send me challenges so I can burn off karmic patterns and become a fucking robot.

A robot who no longer dances in the shadows, who no longer suffers, or falls down, who no longer faces fears or makes mistakes, who doesn’t feel the depths of grief and pain.

Attempting to heal away my humanity.

Yet nothing I’ve ever done has brought me to a place of perfection, because that was never the point.

Healing was always about loving myself in my humanity, which in turn brings me into deeper connection with my divinity.

So that’s why I’m not chasing breakthroughs anymore.

I will still have those moments, moments where I sit with the pain for so long something inside me burns up, something shifts, the needle moves, timelines collapse, I heal for me and for the collective- if I’m honest, I’ll always have a slight addiction to these moments.

What I won’t expect, is that on the other side of the breakthrough, I am suddenly less human.

What I will expect is for that very same pattern to return time and time again.

Next time it resurfaces, I’ll know ‘I’ve moved through this before, I can move through this again’. I will remind myself that being deep in the shadow lands means there is more love to be poured on this old wound, that’s all this is.

The breakthrough breeds self-trust, it’s a little win, a reminder next time ‘I’ve got this’, but it’s not a portal to a perfection, simply another lap around the spiral of healing and expansion.

Lisa Marie, xx.

I would love to hear your experiences with this, have you found yourself saying ‘why am I back here'?’ with the expectation that your breakthrough would have somehow cured your humanity?

How might asking ‘how can I love myself in the shadow?’ shift things?

If you’re as obsessed with healing and expansion in spirals as I am, I am building a community for us! A membership platform with teachings, meditations, somatic practices, journaling prompts and monthly zoom calls- a space for connection and collaboration.

Launching this August! I am inviting 20 founding members to build a beautiful culture before I open the doors to the public, if this is calling you- let me know and we can chat.

xx

2023…

I’d recently purchased a new car from the city and had to drive the 700km corrugated dirt road back into my tiny town, population 3000, remote Australia.

I was 3 or 4 month post marriage separation, it was my first car I’d purchased without the help of a man, a beautiful 4WD, rigged up and ready for adventures. I was so proud of her, Pearl.

Arriving back into town I noticed something important looking had wiggled its way loose as it bumped along the track.

I drove to the hardware store and asked ‘can someone who knows more than I do about nuts and bolts (ie. literally anyone) please come look at my car and tell me how to fix it?’

‘Hold on a sec, we know just the guy’

Out he walks, tall, dark, handsome, young for sure, but a cheeky grin and a youthful glimmer in his eye.

‘Whaddya need love?’ he asked in his very ocker Aussie accent.

He accompanied me out to the car to take a look, there was a lot of extended eye contact, an almost instant ‘are you feeling what I’m feeling?’ thing going on, with my 5 year old son by my side.

I made sure to mention ‘I really didn’t want to ask my ex husband for help’, he knows I’m single now, that comment got a smile and eye contact that melted my insides a little.

After taking a look, he offered for me to drive it around to his mechanics workshop ‘I’ll sort it out for you’.

It was a Friday afternoon at 4pm, the legend spent an hour fixing up my car, chatting to my son and I while he worked and taking every opportunity to continue the extended eye contact.

Once it was all said and done I was immediately on the phone to my best friend Anna who knew mechanic boy from around town ‘he’s only 20 but he’s genuinely the nicest guy, like, a dead set legend, you should totally hook up with him!’

Read more

My heart is tender,
It feels like weakness,
To be so raw,
So open,
Unarmed,
Vulnerable,

I’ve been waiting for it to pass,
To feel ‘strong’ again,
So I have the capacity to ‘do more’,
More than the essentials,
Self-devotion, parenting, nourishment of body & soul, care for my space,

My mind says ‘can we get back on with things?’,
My heart tells me ‘stay here a little longer’,
Camp here,
This open hearted way,
It’s not the way of the world we live in,
It’s a new way,
Pioneering open heartedness,

My mind doesn’t trust it here,
How will I have enough?
How can I provide for my babies?
What is the plan?

But I’ve pushed through this before,
Fear based productivity,
It only leads to exhaustion,
Misalignment,
The mind and the world around me see this as the only way forward,
Caffeinate and carry on,

My heart knows a new way,
My heart knows there is a new world on the horizon,
One lead by the heart,
One lead by love,
Not fear,

So I will camp here a little longer,
In tenderness,
In what feels like weakness,
Moving slowly,
Prioritising the essentials,
Love based living,
Surrendered to the outcome,
Trusting divine timing,
Trusting life has got me,
Trusting the creativity that springs forth from my tender heart.

The new way of living feels like weakness,
Move gently,
Move softly,
Move slowly,
Learn ‘it is safe here’,
Pioneering a new world is vulnerable work.

So much love,

Lisa Marie, xx.

I came onto Substack as a creative outlet
To write from the heart
I posted articles that meant something to me
Not thinking anyone would see them
I was anonymous
I had no strategy
I wasn’t here for growth
I was simply here to create
To give my writing a safe space to land

Suddenly people wanted to hear what I had to say
Every day the follower count grew and grew
My little creative hobby became a platform
I guess people found my authenticity magnetic
I was real, in a world of AI and optimisation

I started to think about my subscribers
What are they looking for?
How do I give them more of this?
What’s the theme of my publication?
Do I need a clear theme?
Do I need more intentional weekly articles, subscriber messages and notes?
Can I leverage this platform to turn my creativity into income?

A note went ‘micro-viral’
662 likes, 174 replies, 291 new subs and counting
A deeply authentic and aligned note
Magnetised my soul family to my page
Beautiful connections began to form

Ok, so notes can do that?
My mind latched onto this
How can I post more notes that do this?
How can I leverage notes to bring more connections?
How can I use Substack to bring people into the membership community I’m building?

Then my wise friend Meghan asked me
“Where is your life asking you to let structure serve softness?”

And something clicked
The Yang builds structures to serve the Yin
Structure is a beautiful thing
When lead by the Yin

The Yin trusts the intuition
The Yin has a deep inner knowing
The Yin knows that she only needs to stay in the right frequency
Stay in tune with the universe
Create from the heart
And she will have everything she needs at her finger tips

The Yang can come in and say
“My darling dearest,
If your dream is to create
Let me wrap loving structures around your creations
Let me get your work to those who need it most
Let me use loving strategies to support you
Then you can dance, flow, write and create from the heart
You deserve to be paid to create”

Perhaps I need to let my inner masculine build me an art studio
Let him set me up to flow
Let him support my dreams with strategy
With supportive structures

Strategy is not wrong
May it always be lead by the Yin
From the heart
From love

A prayer for building a structure:
May I trust my inner Yin
May I love her in her tenderness
May I always pour my energy into her first
May I not let my mind take over
May I not seek to expand beyond what my heart can hold
May I never serve from depletion
Only ever from overflow
May I create from the heart
May the Yang serve the Yin

It’s such a delicate dance isn’t it
Authenticity & Strategy

What shall I title this article?
What feels authentic to my heart?
But also what title will draw people in?
What time shall I post for optimal reach?

Will we always get it right?
Probably not
All we can do is endeavour to lead with love
Let the Yang serve the Yin
Course correct when the mind takes over
Lead with love again

So much love, Lisa Marie, xx

In light of such contemplations, I have revamped my Substack name, bio and image to better reflect the ‘theme’ of my contemplations. Trusting my intuition and lovingly held by a structure that helps my people find me and know ‘this is my space’.

I will continue sharing about…

• Healing and expansion in spirals

• The seasons of growth and decay

• Harmony between the Yin & Yang

• Evolution and Involution (thanks Richard Rudd for this concept)

• Shadows and light

Essentially the Upward & Inward Spiral of this human journey.

Welcome to the Upward and Inward Spiral, xx.

The question… how do we balance being paid for our services without ‘marketing healing’ or ‘selling a transformation’, when actually al people need is love and safety.

PLEASE CHIME IN, I NEED YOUR WISDOM.

What do I mean when I say yin?

I shall answer from my stream of consciousness rather than my mind…

The yin is often known as ‘feminine energy’,
It is the darkness that brings depth to the light,
The rest that precedes production,
The contraction that precedes expansion,
The intuition that precedes creativity,
The matter that embodies energy,
The heaviness that grounds us to the Earth,
The empty space from which all life is born,

The yin is the womb space.

Yin is grounded. Yin is embodied. Yin is slow. Yin is matter. Yin is darkness.

Our society places so much value on the yang. The creativity, the production, the energy, the light. We are so obsessed with what we can produce, with feeling light and energised, that we avoid the yin at all costs.

What does this look like?

Our energy starts to wain- we caffeinate, we push through, we keep striving, trying to ‘stay consistent’.

OR

We ‘crash’, not in a loving, self-care way but we numb the sensation of embodied heaviness, we numb the darkness within, we fall into a doom scroll or a Netflix binge, we partake in substances or eat foods that numb the mind to escape the darkness or to distract from the haviness.

There is no shame in this, we are just bringing loving awareness to the fact that these patterns are an escape from the yin. They are an attempt to ‘bide our time’ until we feel ‘better’ again, until we feel light, energised, creative and productive again.

There is nothing wrong with moving through yin moments in this way, it’s a form of regulation. The screen or the comfort substance, it’s soothes the darkness, it numbs the heaviness, it passes the time until we come out the other side and can move back into our yang energy again.

However, what if we were missing the pure magic found in the darkness.

Recently I did a meditation that guided me down beneath a mountain into utter darkness, at the very heart of the mountain there was a flicker of light, enough to expose a treasure chest. I was guided to open the chest and pull a relic from it.

I pulled a genie lamp.

Through deep contemplation, I came to realise the genie lamp was my body, my physical being, my flesh and blood.

The deeper I can move into the darkness, the more deeply I come into contact with my physical being.

Fatigue, tiredness, exhaustion- feelings we often avoid or attach negative connotations to- these are deeply embodied sensations. They feel heavy, they feel dark, they are the yin, they are an invitation inwards.

What might it look like to trust this?

What might it look like to sit in the dark, perhaps just for a few minutes at first, perhaps we build our capacity to hold the yin. How might that look?

I can continue to numb, there is no shame here, when I do this, I will love myself here too.

However, when I nurture my body in this place, care for myself, love myself- just like polishing a genie lamp- magic emerges. Not by force, not through striving or ‘pushing through’, but through gentleness, self-compassion and enough self-love not to avoid the darkness.

I’m slowly learning this is the birth place of magic.

Before creativity and life can burst forth, before expansion, before energy and productivity…

…comes the yin.

Trust it,
Learn to sit with it,
Learn to hold it,
Lean into the heaviness,
Lean into the darkness.

Do all of this with gentleness and grace, with love and self-compassion, knowing this is deeply countercultural in a world obsessed with the yang.

Start small,
Simply notice,
Bring the unconscious numbing into your awareness,
Be mindful when you notice yourself ‘pushing through’,

This is all that is required- gentle, loving, noticing.

When you begin to do this, shit gets crazy.

The inner wisdom your body holds here is the wisdom our world needs,
It’s the intuition that brings you into alignment,
It’s the yin embodiment that creates polarity and magnetises new opportunities your way.

It’s a practice that changes everything.

Trust this yin, xx.

Growing up, being ‘tapped in’ to the divine, being in tune with my intuition, listening to my inner wisdom…

was deeply unsafe.

Anything my body said ‘this is right, this is good’- I was told was wrong, evil, fleshly, lustful.

Anything my body said ‘this feels wrong’ - I was told was for my good, it was teaching me, guiding me.

To be in tune with my inner knowing, was not safe.

I had to learn to disconnect to be safe.

A good nights sleep,
Nature,
Tech free time,
Water,
Nourishing food,
Movement…

It brings me back to my body, to my wisdom.

I feel ‘tapped in’.

I have spent a lifetime learning to escape this feeling.

Eating well until it’s too much, the body feels too clean, too pure, too aligned, too in tune. My intuition is louder, my inner wisdom can’t be ignored, it’s not safe.

So I turn to junk food or substances to dull my senses, to numb again, to feel safe.

A good sleep, too long in nature and away from tech and my mind becomes clear, my brain fog clears. The clarity feels too loud, my wisdom burns to burst forth.

I must drown it out, so I distract with Netflix or mindless scrolling.

I crave distraction as an escape from my true nature.
I am divine
I am
We are

Yet it can feel like too much so we run and hide.

Our connection to source, to our divinity, can feel like a deep ache or a void to fill. We seek to fill the void but all along the void was our invitation home.

Then, humanity becomes a beautiful grace, a warm blanket for our consciousness- where we can revel in the pleasure of our 5 senses- to experience our humanness THROUGH our divinity, rather than trying to escape humanity through distraction from our divinity.

My mission now?
Loving myself in my distractions- enjoying all it is to have a physical body.
Then creating safety around being ‘tapped in’,
Sitting in the void a little longer,
Holding the ache with tenderness.

If this resonates, I've recorded a 19min podcast that dives into this in more depth.

Lisa Marie, xx.

You can build a business on a dysregulated nervous system, on the hustle and grind. You can set a goal, make a plan, and bring it to life through force, sure. Heck, 99% of all businesses on Earth right now were built exactly this way. Take a look around at the world… need I say more?

You can also orgasm this way.

You can make it all about the goal, all about the end destination, you tense up and focus all your attention- in doing so you constrict and tune out the pleasure.

The end result?

Nothing has shifted inside you or in the collective.

You can orgasm through concentration and effort, sure, but it’s kind of like a sneeze, it satisfies the itch but you’ve actually just leaked your sexual energy and the same desire for release will slowly build again within you.

If you hustle and grind your way to success, building a business on a dysregulated nervous system, guess what, you’ll still feel dysregulated when it’s built. Nothing has shifted in you, you reached the end destination but it was never about the destination, it was about the journey.

Now you’re burnt out, you’ve built something out of alignment, something that doesn’t hold and support your nervous system because you were never connected to it in the first place. You’ve built yourself a job. You’re still drained and wondering ‘ok, so what next?' This hasn’t fulfilled the longing of my soul what can?’

With an orgasm and a business, it was never about the end destination, it was always about the tantalising journey.

When we allow ourselves to truly experience sexual pleasure, when we’re INNN our bodies, noticing all the sensation- it ebs and flows, it builds, then it recedes. The second we move back into our minds and try to focus on ‘how can I reach my end goal?’, we slip back into control, we lose the moment we’re in.

There’s nothing wrong with effort and straining, in the bedroom or the boardroom- it’s how it’s always been done, it’s human nature. We are just here to learn a new way, to notice ourselves striving and soften yet again.

An orgasm that is built this way.

Fuck.

Life changing, quantum field altering shit.

If you know you know, if you don’t know then maybe this is a little invitation into slowing down your self pleasure and seeing what happens.

When we focus on the journey, on the pleasure, on allowing ourselves to receive, as a woman, we make fucking magic. Our pussy has so much power and this level of pleasure literally births creative life. Whether we have reached the pinnacle or not, our internal reality has shifted, as a result, the collective has raised its frequency.

Our businesses are no different…

When we start with a regulated nervous system, grounded, in alignment and take small aligned steps in the right direction,

When we focus on the evolution of our souls on the journey rather than an end destination,

When we enjoy each step of the process,

When we trust the ebs and flows,

When we trust the timing and don’t force when we feel the pressure to arrive,

We make magic.

Our internal reality shifts and we shift the fucking cosmos. Have you noticed how many women are stepping into their authority and power and taking the leap of faith to start their soul led business’? It amazing and it’s because we are shifting as a collective, we contribute to that frequency.

So maybe, the most world changing this you ever do… is not about what you build, but about the frequency through which you build it.

Wrap that shit in some beautiful structures to scaffold and support you… bloody magic baby.

I am learning more and more in the bedroom and in business to sip from the pleasure of every tantalising moment.

So much love,

Lisa Marie, xx.

This weekend I felt deeply in my soul that there was a massive breakthrough on the other side of eating clean as a spiritual discipline until I didn’t feel I was using food to numb or distract from discomfort any longer.

And, woooooweeee, I won’t spoil the episode but wow is all I can say haha, I am currently the melting into the earth face emoji and I just had to share.

Thanks for tuning in to my first ever podcast! How fun!!

Lisa Marie, xx.

Get more from Lisa Marie in the Substack app

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Last night I was deeply hurt by someone who’s love will always mean a lot to me… and today my heart feels more open to giving and receiving love than ever before.

How did we get here?

There are some relationships where reciprocity is a beautiful thing, you give, they express gratitude, they give back. We like these relationships, our heart is safe to open.

There are other relationships where we give and our love is returned with non-love. In some contexts this means simply moving on and not pouring energy into someone who only takes, or lowering our expectations.

Then there are people who we can’t simply ‘cut out’, we are tied to them for life. We give love, they receive our kindness and return in with- honestly- sometimes, quite hurtful behaviours, we feel betrayal. Our love has been returned for non-love.

This article is not about boundaries, but this is my caveat: We should only ever give what we are truly willing to give without expecting anything in return. Boundaries are our way of loving ourselves and protecting the relationship, boundaries are love, even if they are not received well, their reception is not our responsibility.

What I’ve learned today is that my response to non-love can either close my heart more to life and love, or crack it wide open in a way where love can flow more freely than ever before.

The trick is in our response to their non-love.

Let me explain…

The past few months I have been pouring kindness into a reservoir I- in good faith- hoped I would be able to draw upon at some point. I at least hoped it would be appreciated and that my kindness would not be abused beyond what is reasonable. Last night it became clear that the good faith was misplaced.

I was triggered.
I was hurt.

I sat with the trigger.
I sat with the hurt.
I moved through it.

As I walked this morning, I started to think about the life affirming wisdom of Gene Key 27, the gene key of selflessness. This deep wisdom tells us that when we give love, we often expect it to return in the exact form it was given from the exact same source.

This is what I was doing, what I have been doing my whole life.

I walked along the beach, matcha in hand, taking in the sunrise, watching the ocean lap the shore, hearing the birds sing, and reflected on the beautiful evening of connection with my partner last night and thought to myself…

There is no lack of love in this world.

I started to contemplate, what would it look like to spend all of today looking for the ways the universe is loving me back?

What if the love I have given freely is always returned to me, just in different forms?

I decided I would spend today looking for ways life is loving me back. That while I’ve freely given love to a reservoir I cannot later draw from, the love will come back to me, it might not be from the same person, in the same way, but that’s ok.

It might be in the form of a beautiful sunset, a nourishing yoga class, a text from a friend, a smile from a stranger, laughter from my children, affection and words of affirmation from my lover.

Then I started to smile, to laugh.

I started to look around and see how truly magnificent my life is, how many blessings I have, and how much love abounds.

From that moment on my day has absolutely OVERFLOWED with love. I was casual teaching at school today and I felt deep presence with these students I’ve never met before, a pure love for these precious young souls.

I could have narrowed my focus in on the way love was not being returned, in this one particular way, from this one particular person, but I shifted my attitude, I zoomed out, I opened myself up to the possibility that love was all around me, and the fact that I AM LOVE.

Is this what it feels like to live with an open heart?
Trust?
Trust that I am safe to give?
Trust I can safely meet non-love with love?
Trust that another’s actions can only open me up to more and more love?

This fresh perspective almost makes me excited to receive ‘non-love’ from this person again as a portal to a truly open heart.

So thank you non-lover, thank you for the opportunity to let life crack me open once again. I’m sorry my kindness wasn’t pure love, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give without the hope it would be returned. I forgive myself for that though, I was merely protecting my fragile heart.

I am still learning how to love unconditionally,
And in a weird way, your non-love is helping with that.

I am afraid of my pain,
I am ashamed of my pleasure,
I brace,
Afraid to let life in,
To let life flow through me,
To feel pain,
To allow my fleshly pleasure,

So I set expectations,
I plan ahead,
What might be,
What might not,
In order to brace,
To prepare for the pain or pleasure ahead,
Nothing ever lives up to my expectations,
Life never goes the way I envisioned,
Disappointment,

Failure,
I’ve failed yet again,
I’m not enough,
I’m not worthy of love,
I’m going to be outcast from the herd,
I will die,

I don’t trust this space,
I don’t trust the dark,
I am afraid to sit in it,
And when the light does come around,
I know not how to harness it,
To channel it,
The light burns me up,

All the while,
I am distracting from my pain,
And numbing from my pleasure,
I seek pleasure,
To numb the pain,
But in my seeking I find pain again,

What if I told a different story,

What if I learned to hold the darkness within,
What if I moved towards the darkness,
What if I sat with the pain,
What if I let the pain be seen,
To be validated,
To be held,
To be loved.

So I hold it in my heart,
It burns,
Fervently,
Until one day,
I realise that burning,
Is my purpose,
That burning unlocks my spiritual gifts,
That burning allow me to be who I am,
That burning causes my aura to shine bright,

I learn to trust the yin,
To trust the darkness,
To trust the empty void,

I stop creating expectations,
But I’m human,
So I do,
But the inevitable disappoinment,
Is just a pain,
It brings me right back to my purpose,
It’s a disappointment I know how to sit with,
Because I know how to sit in the dark

I haven’t failed
But even when I feel that I have,
It simply brings me back to my purpose

Literally nothing is outside of my purpose,
Everything brings me back,
Every failure,
Every disappointment,
Every low moment,
Is not worth less,
Than the high moments,

Then suddenly,
The frequency of the darkness changes,
It bursts forth into light,
My body is flooded with light,
That’s not why I sat in the dark,
I sat in the dark to love myself there,
But something about loving myself in the dark,
Transmutes dark into light,
It bursts forth,
Brings clarity,
Alignment,
Authenticity,
Inspiration,
Creativity,
Productivity.

I learn to channel it,
Creating structures,
Allowing the light to burn,
Without burning me up,
I build a fireplace,

No longer afraid,
I realise,
My pain reminds me I am divine,
My pleasure reminds me I am human,

And that is enough.

About two and a half year ago, in the midst of my divorce, I stumbled across the ‘Gene Keys’- a spiritual transmutation written by Richard Rudd, based on the ancient Chinese I-Ching and Human Design. My friend from high school, Hayley, had become a Gene Keys guide and was sharing more and more about them on her instagram, around the same time a lovely internet stranger asked me ‘have you heard of the Gene Keys?’.

I felt the pull.

I downloaded my free profile from the Gene Keys website and honestly it was a little overwhelming, there was lots of words and numbers and a few paragraphs describing things like my ‘life’s work’ and ‘evolution’.

Each of the 64 Gene Keys has a shadow state, a gift state and a ‘Shiddi’. The shadow is a flavour of fear or a way fear manifests in our lives- once we learn to sit in that fear and love ourselves there, we begin to notice more and more of the gift state arising in our lives and we feel more freedom. The Shiddi is another name for pure love, once fear is overcome- they are not the ‘goal’ but they encapsulate so beautifully the essence of pure love and are such beautiful states to contemplate.

I didn’t know this at the time but the Gene Keys are shadow work- with a road map.

When I looked at my profile for the first time I noticed key words from my shadows that resonated deeply- expectation, dullness, failure, weakness, limitation, distraction, desire. I just knew there was something in this for me. I went online and purchased every Gene Keys book (not necessary haha). I downloaded every audio file from my profile and absolutely ate them up, whenever I was having a hard day I would think ‘hmm I think this is my shadow of…’, then I’d listen to the audio and gleam so much wisdom and insight.

Eventually I asked Hayley if I could journey with her for a month as I sat with my ‘Life’s Work’ Gene Key, sitting with a key like this for an entire month with so much intention and guidance was incredible.

It cracked me open as I began to notice my shadow of expectation- the expectations I had place upon myself, the constant disappointment I felt in myself, in the way life was turning out and never going according to my plan and my disappointment in others. I began to peel back the layers of my perfectionism and the unrealistic expectations I’d placed upon myself, I began to soften. I found a new level of self-compassion I had not previously been able to access.

Something big shifted for me that month, it was something that made me think ‘this teaching is everything’.

Life became busy again, the Gene Keys became a periphery, the odd listen to a Gene Keys audio that felt relevant and sometimes underlining sections in the book.

I got into a relationship, moved cities, started a new job, started studying, started a business and started showing up online. Through all of this the Gene Keys were floating in the background. Then my friend Hayley started a membership called Gene Keys Unleashed- I now had access to more content around each of the Keys in my profile, as well as membership zoom calls and guided meditations for each sphere.

Towards the end of 2025 Hayley did a podcast that really changed everything for me- she explained HOW to work with the Gene Keys, how to sit with each one for at least a month, how to use the audios, journal prompts, videos, meditations and EFT tappings to truly unlock their magic- to unlock MY magic.

With 4 months remaining in 2025, I decided to sit again with my Life’s work Gene Key, this time the shadow of expectation showed itself in different ways, it showed me how I’m always waiting for something to occur before I can feel safe, before I can be happy or content. Life placed me in a situation where I had to wait, and wait, and wait- where I had to find safety in the waiting. I stepped more into my gift of detachment- if I could be truly present in the waiting, then the outcome becomes less and less important, I can detach from outcomes without losing hope, knowing I will be ok either way.

I had no plans to move on to the ‘next’ Gene Key in my profile (they move in a particular sequence), but towards the end of the month I felt myself being pulled towards the shadow of failure- I was sensing life showing me where this shadow was at play. I was starting a business and figuring out the online world of instagram reel hooks, masterclasses and funnels and all of that bullshit haha. The gift of this shadow is preservation- it asks ‘what am I here to preserve'?’. Through contemplation and listening to my bodies wisdom I felt so clearly ‘I am here to preserve grounded love’. I am simply here to stay grounded. When I stay grounded, life takes care of the rest.

During this month I ran a Masterclass on Nervous System Regulation and ironically allowed myself to become completely dysregulated in the process. I caught myself in moments with my children in front of the TV, myself at the stove cooking dinner with one hand, texting my business mentor with the other while trying to make changes to ads I was working on on my laptop. Nothing about it was grounded.

The Masterclass was actually beautiful and exactly what I hoped- but I now had a deep understanding of the idea of failure- if the Masterclass had of absolutely tanked, I’d have been riddled with shame and regret over the lead-up. And the lead-up, is life! So my only true goal in life is now to stay grounded, or come back to grounded when I notice myself becoming scattered. I realised there is no such thing as failure, only learning.

Again, after a month of this I felt pulled in a new direction- not knowing how to read my profile correctly I move clockwise around the outside circle thinking my ‘purpose’ Gene Key of distraction was next- and honestly, this was the one revealing itself to me. So I went there, and wowsers, I did not find the kind of breakthrough I was hoping to find. I became completely engulfed in my distractions, consumed by them, caught in a web of shame. I lost sight of learning to love myself in the presence of the shadow and became hyper fixated on the idea that ‘maybe if I indulge enough, the desire for them will go away and I’ll be fixed’. I spent an entire month eating junk food, scrolling on my phone, watching Netflix and often in the evenings taking prescription THC to try and help me ‘crack’ this Gene Key.

I was desperate to heal my humanness.

I had so much shame around my distractions, shame around my pleasure- I was ashamed to enjoy foods, so I would disassociate, numb my tastebuds and overeat. I was ashamed to watch Netflix so again I would binge watch, stuck in a spiral of shame. Sexual pleasure has always been a place of shame for me- as a woman but also being raised in church- I realise I was numbing to experiencing pleasure there too- motivated by climaxing as fast as possible rather than enjoying the experience.

Honestly, this time around with Gene Key 56, the shadow of distraction- I found no resolution, I found no relief from my shame, I found only spirals. It felt disheartening. I wondered if perhaps it was because I ‘skipped’ a Gene Key on the path, perhaps the order mattered? However, I believe that nothing is amiss, everything happens exactly as it should and when you read part 2 you will see the unfolding of this.

By this stage I had been invited by Hayley into a 12 month Gene Keys group container called ‘Devoted’, it was set to begin in January of 2026 and I just felt so sure this container was divinely timed. 12 months of working through my Gene Keys profile, guided by Hayley in community- my soul screamed yes!

In Part 2 I will share the life changing shifts that have unfolded so far in 2026 as part of this journey. It hard to explain the level of groundedness and stability I feel almost 4 months in, I feel different on a cellular level.

This work is everything.

Resonance

We speak so often of content that ‘resonates’, which (as a science teacher) conjures the mental image of tuning forks- when two forks of the same frequency are in close proximity, when one begins to sing- through resonance- so does the other.

Resonance in our message as writers, artists and creators is the same.

As the creator we set the pitch, and those on the same wavelength start to vibe along with us. The role of the creator isn’t to change the pitch of another by lowering our vibration- yet so often we do this, then wonder why we attract clients who drain us.

Abundance or Fear?

One can create from two frequencies, abundance or fear.

Creating from fear is based on a scarcity mindset- there’s not enough time, the right people aren’t going to find me, if I’m not found I won’t be able to create the life I dream of, I need to strive for that life, I need to ‘make it happen’ through effort and sacrifice.

Creating from fear looks like ‘to gain followers and engagement that generates leads and income I must use these strategies…’

Creating from fear looks like creating when you’re tired and burnt out.

Creating from fear looks like feeding into the negativity of others, lowering your vibration to ‘get on their level’ or to be ‘relatable’.

Creating from fear looks like self-abandoning to create.

Creating from fear looks like building a business that your nervous system doesn’t have the capacity for.

Creating from abundance happens when we have a deep knowing that what is meant for us will find us and that there is always enough time and money for us to live out our purpose in this lifetime- because our purpose is more about our ‘being’ than our ‘doing’

The creation is the glow of the fire we foster within, through self-devotion.

Creating from abundance looks like self-devotion first, creation comes from the overflow.

Creating from abundance looks like prioritizing your own inner work, your health, your sleep, and your close relationships- allowing your art to flow as a result of a deeply nourished life.

Creating from abundance looks like building something that supports your nervous system rather than in spite of it.

Creating from abundance looks like trusting that your authenticity is the most magnetic strategy.

Creating from abundance looks like trusting the ebs and flows of rest and creation, without forcing.

What frequency is your radio tuned into?

Frequency really is everything, fine tuning your frequency is like tuning your radio to the right station to attract your aligned soul family (what the Gene Keys refer to as your ‘fractal’), the souls you’re here to serve and to serve with.

Creation from fear can appear wildly ‘successful’. Fear based creation is a cheaper currency, fear and low vibration content easily generate engagement and follower, it’s the easy path- but this cycle is not life giving.

Fear cuts corners, fear exploits, fear harms you, your loved ones, the collective and the planet. Clients coming into soul led business’ through fear based marketing have come via an ‘out of tune’ channel and will drain the life out of you- you don’t want those clients.

We are on these platforms to sing a different tune, to vibrate at a higher frequency, to bring healing.

We cannot do this from a frequency of fear, lack and scarcity.

So while the logical mind says ‘hustle and grind until you make it’, abundance says- love yourself deeply,
stay devoted to you,
let yourself eb and flow,
attune to your needs,
love those around you well,
then…
…when inspiration strikes and you are compelled to create something-
stay grounded,
create structures that support you in bringing the vision to life.
Move slowly,
sustainably,
with intention and purpose,
trust the vision enough to protect your nervous system in the process.

Creating from this frequency is not only how we attract the clients we are truly meant to work with, it honours us in the process, so if our endeavours turn out to be detours- nothings was lost- the very process itself was enriching and life giving.

What a magnificent way to live!

Lisa Marie, xx.

“Genius is the creative explosion of an open heart”- Richard Rudd, author of the Gene Keys.

This Substack account is the creative explosion of my heart, a heart that has been cracked wide open by life.

I used to react to life, I used to think life was happening to me, rather than for me. An event would occur that caused me discomfort - sometimes small inconveniences, sometime huge fucking life altering shit, sometimes situations I would think ‘fuck, why is this happening to me? Why can’t I catch a break, when is life going to feel easy again?’ I’d throw a little girl tanty, I’d kick and scream at life- pleading for it to be different, resisting, fighting, wrestling with life or projecting internal discomfort onto whoever was in my path- the kids, their dad, I’d blame anyone or anything to avoid sitting with discomfort.

I had no idea this way of living was draining my life force energy. I was giving my power and my life force away by taking zero ownership of my own internal climate.

I don’t remember a specific turning point. Usually these things start to trickle in for me, I must have absorbed little by little the idea that life is a mirror. Slowly, layer by layer I am understanding that life is all about my souls refinement. Every challenge that crosses my path is part of my journey, part of my souls evolution. Everyone I judge, everyone who irritates or triggers me- is mirroring something within, perhaps they feel free to behave in a way I don’t? Perhaps their actions trigger a deep core wound that’s being revealed to be healed.

Instead of fighting against life, I have begun to ride the waves. I embrace the lows, the grief, the anger and hurt, the heartache and pain- knowing these are my teachers, lessons for my soul, opportunities to heal and detach more deeply from the things blocking me from true freedom- the things I believed I needed to feel safe.

Do you know what happens when you begin to live like this?

Your heart begins to crack open.

When we resist life, we build higher and higher walls designed to keep life out. However, when we shut out pain, we shut out joy and presence.

The inner work journey is a journey of cracking open the hard shell we’ve built around the heart. If that sounds painful… you better fucking believe it is. You’ll come face-to-face with fear, shame, hurt and betrayal- the depths of your pain, and you’ll gently, lovingly, loosen it’s grip on your heart, simply by letting it in, loving yourself in it presence, creating safety in your body to feel.

The result?

Suddenly, life feels lighter, colours feel brighter, sounds are more pleasant, joy deeper, fulfilment and contentment settle in- you unlock a new level of peace as the freedom settles into your soul.

And then, out of nowhere…

A creative explosion of an open heart.

Your genius, your authentic expression, your sense of purpose, with the passion and drive to create something meaningful and impactful, your highest service to the world that is so uniquely you.

And something I never expected- So much freaking energy! Like insane amounts of energy that are unlocked by not constantly reacting to life.

When we are provoked by life- by circumstances or by others, and we choose to look within and ask ‘what am I being called to let go of?’ We no longer give away our power and leak our energy by closing the heart in reaction to life. The energy starts to burn a fire within us- a creative fire- our genius.

This substack account for example, is a project birthed out of the depths of moving through huge triggers, grief and pain, but instead of seeking external resolution, seeking a way out of the pain, seeking someone to take it from me- I sat in it long enough until it cracked me wide open and art burst forth.

Genius, creativity, art- it doesn’t emerge by ‘figuring things out’, through logic or reasoning. It emerges when we let life in, by surrendering to the twists and turns in the plot line that is our life, by trusting life is happening for us, by feeling it all, deeply- then boom, one day you’re creating.

We were born creative, children naturally dance, draw and sing. Slowly along the way we built up walls around our hearts, we shut life out, we stopped creating for the sheer joy of creating- everything suddenly needed to be productive or monetised.

There’s only one way to peel back these layers, the walls we’ve placed around our heart to access our pure, inner creative…

Let life in!

The pain, the hurt, the heartache, the passion, the laughter, the magic- let it all in and trust the process. Stop asking life and others to take these trials away from you- it leaks your creative energy.

Art is transmutation of pain. So let life in. It’s worth it, I promise.

Lisa Marie, xx.