Yes, you read that right. I have a problem with judging other people. I feel guilty about it and am ashamed to admit it on a public forum.

I never realized how much of a problem this was until I'd been at it for most of my life. Truth be told, most of us judge others—often without recognizing it’s a problem.

In case you haven’t noticed, judgment of others is the water we swim in.

For example, my husband and I were recently driving on a highway on the East Coast for a wedding. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I saw one car tailgating another or, in several instances, get cut off by another car, my New Jersey roots kicked in and I heard myself say, “What a jerk!”

(On a somewhat positive note, I rarely call drivers “jerks” unless I’m on the East Coast. However, I think it may be because I recognized another judgment in my heart: “East Coast drivers are jerks.”)

See what I mean? There seems to be no end to the slippery slope of judgment. Once I became aware of this trait in myself, there was no way to unsee it. I knew I needed change.

Thankfully, God is always willing and able to guide me back to His ways.

For example, I had no sooner gotten the words, “What a jerk,” out of my mouth when I heard God’s familiar soft voice in my head: “How do you know he’s a jerk? Maybe that guy cut you off because he honestly didn’t see you, or he’s rushing to his kid in the hospital. I suggest you leave judgment up to Me.”

Oh dear.

Busted again.

And that’s why I’m writing this article.

Subscribe now

I suspect we’ve all done something similar: after noticing someone else's behavior, we’re tempted to draw conclusions about their character or motivation.

• “She’s so selfish.”

• “He’s irresponsible.”

• “They obviously don’t care.”

• “He never follows through on his promises.”

• “I don’t matter to her.”

For many of us, judging others can feel natural or even justified. However, God calls us to a higher standard than what is “normal” in the world. It doesn’t mean we have to abandon discernment or become naïve about what is going on around us. Rather, we are called to examine our own hearts before we jump to judge someone else.

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged." (Matthew 7:1)

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)

Curiosity trumps judgment

The best posture we can have towards another person or people group is curiosity. Curiosity helps us stay open to learning more about the other person; judgment closes the book. In other words, judgment pushes us from observation to assumption. See the example below.

Judgment: “Shelly didn’t respond to my message. She doesn’t care about me.”

Curiosity: “Shelly didn’t respond to my message. I wonder what might be going on?”

Staying curious creates a pause, which helps us remember that we don’t have the full story of what might be happening in another person. Let’s face it, we rarely know another person’s motives, intentions, fears, wounds, and circumstances. To assume that we do puts us on the same level as God, and He (ahem) rightly has an issue with that.

“There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?” (James 4:12)

“I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind.” (Jer 17:10)

Staying curious helps us to stay in a posture of humility and empathy. When we become curious about someone's story, we begin to see them as a whole person rather than a problem to diagnose.

For example:

Judgment: “She is so controlling.”

Curiosity: “I wonder what makes her act this way?"

When we remain in a posture of curiosity, we are more likely to be able to show compassion even when hurt by someone’s behavior. Staying curious doesn’t mean we should excuse bad behavior. However, staying curious helps us move from condemnation toward understanding and even compassion.

Curiosity can turn us inward

Another benefit to staying curious is that it creates an opportunity to examine what is going on inside ourselves. In other words, sometimes the question shouldn’t only be, “What’s going on with them?” but “Why is this person’s behavior impacting me so deeply?” When I stay open and curious, my reaction to another person's behavior can become a road map to something God may want to heal in me.

As a (random) example, if you can stay curious about why you often feel furious when someone criticizes you, you might discover that you have a deep wound around being inadequate.

Curiosity slows the judgment cycle to invite God in

A typical judgment cycle looks something like this:

Behavior → Emotion → Interpretation→ Judgment → Reaction

For example:

Your friend does not text you back→ You feel hurt→ You interpret this as rejection→ You judge that your friend does not care about you→ You react in anger towards your friend.

Curiosity inserts a pause into this cycle, which allows God to bring His revelation into the situation. The cycle above becomes:

Behavior → Emotion →Pause → Curiosity → Ask God for understanding → Wise Response

And the example becomes:

Your friend does not text you back→ You feel hurt→ You also (not instead of) feel curious about what is happening with your friend→ God shows you they are hurting due to a third-party relationship that has nothing to do with you→ You call them to ask, “How are you doing? What is happening in your life?”

Notice that in both scenarios, emotions still happen. You are not wrong to feel an emotion (hurt, sad, angry, lonely) when someone’s behavior impacts you. That is what I like to call “being human.” In other words, emotions just happen.

What matters is what we do with the emotion. If we don’t pause to be curious about what is bubbling up in us, we tend to misinterpret what happened and judge the other person wrongly.

When we pause and assume a posture of curiosity, we can then invite God to show us HIS interpretation of what is going on. It’s helpful to ask the question: “Jesus, what do you want me to see here?"

He may reveal something about the other person, the situation, or a blind spot in your own life. God’s revelation will ideally help you to respond with wisdom and compassion rather than reacting by calling someone a Jerk when they cut you off in traffic. Just sayin…

Granted, this is often easier said than done.

God help us…

Confronting our judgment of others

As mentioned above, dealing with judgment in our lives isn't easy, but with God’s help, you can slowly and surely build a new habit pattern anchored in kindness and curiosity rather than judgment.

It’s critical to note that we don't overcome judgment merely by trying harder to think nice thoughts about others. The process is much more involved than that: We must learn to notice what is happening in our own hearts, bring it honestly to Jesus, let Him expose wounds and lies, repent when necessary, receive truth, and then choose a response rooted in love.

Here’s how this process has gone for me:

1. Start with honest self-awareness: We can’t heal what we aren’t aware of. Ask God to highlight when you judge someone else because of their actions, for who they are, or for what we mistakenly think they believe. For example, many of us judge another person based on appearance, political affiliation, religious beliefs, and/or socioeconomic status. Even more egregiously, we assume that we know the motivations driving their behavior. (A lot of times we don’t even realize we are doing it.)

Watch for some of these signals:

-You are certain about someone’s motives.

-You find yourself rehearsing their failures.

-You repeatedly tell the story of what they did wrong.

-You feel superior.

-You have little curiosity about their perspective.

-You have already reached your conclusion.

-You feel contempt towards them.

-You repeatedly talk about their faults with others.

-Your emotional response seems disproportionate to the situation.

2. Pause and invite the Holy Spirit into the moment: Instead of acting on your judgment, consider praying the following prayer: “Holy Spirit, show me what is happening in my heart right now. What are You inviting me to see? Is there something in me that needs healing, repentance, or truth? Help me see this person as You see them." Stay quiet and wait for God to answer. The Holy Spirit may highlight:

• an emotion

• a memory

• a Scripture

• a conviction

• a false belief

• a wound

• something you need to do

• or simply an invitation to extend grace.

3. Separate observation from interpretation: To do this, try writing down:

What you observed:
“She interrupted me three times.”

What you interpreted:
“She doesn’t respect me.”

What you don’t know:
“I don’t actually know why she interrupted me.”

You may still decide the behavior needs to be addressed, but you don't have to judge her heart to address it.

5. Identify if there is a lie underneath the judgment: Ask God to show you: "What am I believing about this person, myself, or You right now?" Then ask, “Is that belief true?”

6. Repent when the Holy Spirit reveals judgment: A possible prayer to offer: "Father, I confess that I have judged this person. I have assumed I know their heart and motives when You are the only One who knows that. I have allowed my wounds, fears, and assumptions to influence how I see them. Please forgive me. I surrender my judgment to You and ask You to teach me to see this person through Your eyes."

6. Receive God’s forgiveness. Let His forgiveness cleanse your heart and salve your wounds.

7. Renounce lies and replace them with truth: For example: If God shows you that you are believing the lie that your friend does not care about you, pray a simple prayer to renounce the lie:

“I renounce the lie that Kathy’s behavior means she doesn’t care about me. Jesus, what is your truth to replace that lie?”

8. Ask Jesus how He wants you to respond: The goal isn’t simply to not judge. The goal is to respond as Jesus would. This question can keep us from both judgment and unhealthy passivity. Sometimes the Holy Spirit may lead you to:

• say nothing

• extend grace

• ask a curious question

• have a difficult conversation

• establish a boundary

• confront something gently

• forgive

• pray for the person

9. Practice blessing instead of judgment: I’m not going to lie; this can be difficult to do. The goal is to intentionally redirect our attention from what is wrong with them toward what God desires for them. Try praying this prayer: "Father, bless them. Reveal Your love to them. Heal whatever is wounded in them. Help them become everything You created them to be."

Share Restoration Center Encouragement

Final Encouragement

If this feels like it’s a lot…it is. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it—breaking free from a lifelong pattern of judging others is hard work that requires intentional, sustained effort. And, if you are a follower of Jesus, you are commanded to let God be God and not try to do His work for Him. He alone can judge another.

See below for a simple daily practice to help you get on top of your judgment of others:

Notice: “Where did I judge someone today?”

Explore: “What was happening in me?”

Listen: “Holy Spirit, what do You want me to understand?”

Repent: “Where did I agree with something that wasn’t true?”

Receive: “What truth does Jesus want me to receive?”

Release: “Lord, I give this person back to You.”

Bless: “How can I pray for this person?”

Over time, this practice can help judgment become less of an automatic reaction and more of a signal to turn inward toward Jesus.

One last thing: Just because we stop judging someone else doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t acknowledge what is happening for us. We should. We may also need to set healthy boundaries to protect us from harmful behaviors, and that is another process that is best done with the Holy Spirit’s help. If/when they are necessary, Godly boundaries become an essential part of self-care.

Leave a comment

Book a free discovery call

I’ll be the first to admit that my reaction seemed extreme. After all, I often work until 8 pm without thinking twice. The issue had more to do with how I thought my 86-year-old mom would respond to me cooking her dinner later than she’s used to.

Since Mom doesn’t really cook for herself anymore, preparing dinner and eating with her is one practical way I could help her while I was visiting for the week.

I feared telling my mom that because of my work, we likely wouldn’t eat until about 6 pm—a whole hour later than her norm. Although it might be totally fine, in the past when we’ve eaten late, she had taken her annoyance out on me. As much as I hate to admit it, her sarcastic comments landed like tiny pricks to my heart. I know I won’t die from them, but it’s unpleasant nonetheless.

Before I could catch myself, I went from teeth-sucking straight into obsessive planning about what I could cook in the least amount of time. I was in damage control mode for a crisis that hadn’t even hit.

I ruled out side dishes that would take too long to make, and then began to ruminate about the best strategy to break the news: warn her ahead of time or just text her that dinner would be late, when I was already on my way.

My anxiety felt like a runaway train that was about to derail.

Thankfully, like the first light of dawn ever so gently pushing back the nighttime darkness, a thought disrupted my anxious ruminations:

I’m not responsible for Mom’s anger.

Oh right. Why do I always forget that?

My sixty-five-year-old self slowly stepped back into the driver’s seat, and I began to talk myself off the ledge:

We’ll get there when we get there. If Mom’s mad, that’s her anger. I don’t need to fix it.

Truth be told, my anxiousness didn’t immediately dissipate when I recognized that I had slipped into old people-pleasing behaviors. This was a decades-old trauma response that I used to keep me safe.

As a child, I picked up the (false) belief that if I could just do everything right and stay ahead of another person’s anger, then I would be safe from being yelled at or hit. Because the practice of repair was non-existent in my home, I learned that another person’s anger was inevitably my fault.

Sadly, this was a lesson that I learned very, very well.

This explains why decades later, I default to habit patterns I picked up as a kid.

As annoying as that is, at least I recognize when the old pattern has kicked in and can choose a different response… even if I still feel anxious.

In other words, my anxiousness no longer dictates my response—well, most of the time it doesn’t. (I am a work in progress.)

And that, dear readers, is what a marker of healing looks like on your journey of restoration.

Subscribe now

Healing is a journey

Many people long for instant healing, but God often works through a process that brings transformation over time. For example, although I now am able to set healthy boundaries for myself more times than not, I still have a way to go to be able to recognize when anxiety is impacting my ability to think clearly and make sound decisions for myself.

Just as physical wounds take time to heal, emotional and spiritual wounds are often restored through a progression that begins with intentional awareness and curiosity and progresses towards uprooting protective behavioral patterns that are no longer needed to stay safe.

Once we understand that Jesus came to bring healing (not just salvation) and that there is a particular process for healing, we can give ourselves grace when it takes longer than we’d like.

The Process

Healing Begins with Awareness: You can’t heal what you haven’t acknowledged.

Healing begins when we honestly admit:

• I have been hurt.

• My past still influences me.

• My reactions often reveal deeper issues. It’s “not just the way I am.”

• My emotions often drive my behavior.

For example, I met with someone who was often late to our appointments, despite saying that our time together was very important to her. When we began exploring this behavior, she became aware of a buried belief that her primary job was to take care of others first. Her lateness to sessions was a symptom of always having something else to do besides prioritizing her healing. She didn’t know how to prioritize herself because of how she was used by her family of origin. Becoming aware of her behavior was the first step in her healing journey.

Granted, sometimes we have no idea that our behavior may have roots to be addressed. (The lady I mention above never considered that her lateness to self-care appointments had deeper roots.) A trusted friend, spouse, or counselor can help you become more aware of what’s going on.

Learn to be curious about behaviors that persist despite the fact that you have a desire to change.

Discover the Roots, Not Just the Fruit: Instead of asking the question, “What’s wrong with me?” we need to learn to ask, “When did this behavior begin?”

There are a number of reasons why we feel or act the way we do:

• childhood experiences

• unmet core needs

• attachment wounds

• painful relationships

• traumatic events

• ordinary experiences that caused harm because of a lack of support

Here’s the thing: our experience shapes our beliefs and expectations, which then lead to developing patterns of behavior that become ingrained in how we operate.

For example: I recently prayed with a teenage girl who wanted help with her habit of lying. As we explored her story a bit, it turned out she was chronically abused from the age of four. Lying began as a protective mechanism she used to stay safe in her home; it then became a habit. To effectively stop this pattern of behavior, we need to address its roots and then invite Jesus in as her protector moving forward. In other words, lying was a false protector that needed to be uprooted and replaced.

Invite Jesus to Bring Truth and Healing: Sadly, understanding the roots of our behavior doesn’t automatically bring healing: insight is helpful, but it’s not the same as healing. Ideally, we need to encounter Jesus in those wounded places and allow Him to bring truth and healing into our experience. Some of the ways that happens are through:

• forgiveness

• grieving losses

• renouncing lies

• receiving God’s truth

• heart healing prayer

• deliverance where appropriate

For the woman who was chronically late, she needed to name the harm that was done to her as a child—being put in a caregiver role for her dysfunctional parents—and grieve the pain of not having anyone care for her when she was a child. Eventually, she will need to forgive her parents and ask Jesus to come to her little-girl self to bring His truth into her experience.

As part of her healing process, with God’s help, she must identify the many lies she had come to believe—such as that her worth is based on how well she cares for others—and repent for having agreed with them. (A lie only has power in our lives when we come into agreement with it.) She must then ask Jesus what His truth is to replace those lies.

Remember, it is THE truth that will set us free (John 8:32).

Learn New Ways of Living: As already mentioned, healing is a process. Once we become aware of areas in our lives that need to be healed, identify the roots of those behaviors and invite Jesus to meet us in those places, we still need to walk out that healing with new beliefs and practices to replace the old ways. Let’s go back to my story at the beginning of this article: I was well into damage control mode for a crisis that hadn’t even hit (Mom being mad at me), before I recognized I was behaving in a way that I didn’t need to.

Learning new ways of living takes lots of practice before the default patterns are replaced for good. We need to grow in practical skills that support healthy relationships and Godly ways of thinking.

Some of those skills may include:

• naming emotions

• expressing needs respectfully

• setting healthy boundaries

• receiving comfort from safe people

• asking for help

• repairing relationships after conflict

• practicing gratitude and rest

• asking God for help in making decisions instead of going it alone

• pausing before we speak when triggered

• implementing a daily practice of repentance and forgiveness

Extend Grace to Yourself During the Process: Because our brains and bodies have practiced certain patterns for years, old reactions may return. This does not mean healing has failed. New ways of thinking and responding require intentional repetition over months and sometimes years. Romans 12:2 reminds us that transformation involves the renewing of our minds and that process takes time—lots of it.

Instead of expecting perfection, focus on growth instead. This can look like:

• noticing old reactions sooner

• recovering more quickly

• making healthier choices more consistently

• showing grace to yourself when you revert to old ways of acting

Final thoughts

Many of our deepest wounds occurred in relationships. God often chooses to heal us through relationships as well. In safe relationships we can experience:

• being known

• acceptance

• comfort

• accountability

• encouragement

Community also provides us with opportunities to practice new ways of relating to others. Remember, change doesn’t happen by reading about it. Being in relationship with trusted friends, counselors, mentors, or small groups is a necessary part of any healing journey.

In closing, healing is not a race or a checklist; it is a lifelong journey of walking with Jesus and asking Him to be part of our healing. As we become aware of our wounds, invite Him into our stories, learn healthier ways of living, and experience His love through safe relationships, He gradually restores what sin and brokenness have damaged.

The result is not simply greater emotional health but increasing freedom to love God wholeheartedly, love others sacrificially, and live from our identity as sons and daughters of God.

Do you agree?

Leave a comment

Share Restoration Center Encouragement

Dear Reader,

Please reach out if you want to discuss what the healing process may look like for you.

Book a free call

Ugh. I hate guys like that.

By the end of the night, Brian’s annoyance had turned inward. His habit of judging others who seemed successful or confident came to the forefront, and he hated himself for it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I always do this?

As soon as the group was over, Brian sat in his car before driving home. He asked God to forgive him for being so judgmental and jealous and begged Him to change his heart. Sadly, the shame he felt about being petty didn’t shift; he headed home to numb his pain with Netflix and ice cream.

When I asked Brian about the part of his heart that got annoyed and jealous, he sat in silence until the tears started to flow.

I’m just the worst.

Subscribe now

A Part of the whole

As we explored Brian’s despair more deeply, he readily acknowledged that he didn’t really believe he was “the worst.” It was only the jealous, judgmental part of him that he found irksome.

I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember; no matter how much I ask God to forgive me, I don’t seem to change. That part of me is the worst.

When I asked Brian if he was willing to embrace that part of him, he looked at me as if I had two heads.

“I know that might sound crazy, but that part of your heart doesn’t need to be cast out or rejected. It’s a part that needs to be understood and cared for. And ultimately, it needs to be guided by your Spirit-led self.”

Brian wiped away the last of his tears and looked me straight in the eye.

Your suggestion sounds pretty crazy, but I’m willing to listen. Tell me more.

First, let’s understand what a “part” is and how it functions.

Understanding Parts

Have you ever said something like this?

• “Part of me wants to forgive...”

• “...but another part wants revenge.”

• “Part of me wants to stay home to get organized and clean up the house. ”

• “...another part of me doesn’t want to miss out on the party.”

My guess is you probably have. Most people naturally speak this way because we genuinely experience different motivations, emotions, and reactions as we go through life. Often operating at a subconscious level, different parts of us can show up (and often take over) even when we don’t want them to.

So what is a part?

Parts are patterns of thinking, feeling, believing, and behaving that developed throughout life to help us cope with life’s experiences.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a psychotherapy model that utilizes a parts paradigm. IFS views the mind as consisting of different "parts," each with its own thoughts, feelings, and protective role. According to IFS, these parts often develop in response to painful experiences.

See some examples below:

• The Performer

• The Perfectionist

• The Pleaser

• The Critic

• The Avoider

• The Controller

• The Angry Defender

• The Independent One

• The Numb One

Keep in mind that these are not separate people living inside us.

They are aspects of our personality that learned ways to protect us.

So instead of hating on your parts (like Brian did), keep in mind that every part has a purpose: to keep you safe and free from pain.

How parts form

God designed us to adapt to our environment—especially when conditions in the childhood home were less than ideal. For example, when children experience rejection, fear, neglect, criticism, or loss, they learn strategies that aim to reduce pain.

Children are especially good at figuring out what they must do to stay safe and avoid being hurt. They also are desperate to feel loved.

The answers to the questions about feeling safe and loved are what drive the formation of a part. For example, a child may develop the following beliefs to stay safe (which drive the part's strategy).

“I don’t need anyone.”

“It’s my job to make everyone happy.”

“If I’m perfect, no one can reject me.”

“If I stay invisible, I’ll stay safe.”

“If I hurt someone else first, I won’t feel pain.”

“The more I can stay in control, the safer I will be.”

Keep in mind that parts usually begin with good intentions. Kids are just trying to feel safe and loved with the limited skills they have. However, as they grow up, the part still behaves as if they are still a child with limited options.

That’s what happened to Brian. (More on that later.)

Dealing with parts

Instead of judging our parts, it’s important to become curious about what each part aims to accomplish. For example:

The Inner Critic

• believes that self-criticism keeps us safe by pushing hard to prevent failure

The Pleaser

• avoids conflict and rejection by seeking approval of others and maintaining connection at all costs

The Controller

• tries to stay safe by reducing uncertainty and creating predictability

The Critic/Judger

• protects his/her heart by judging other people.

The Angry Defender

• uses anger and defensiveness to protect his/her heart from getting hurt

Before you jump to the conclusion that you must eliminate these parts, stop right there. The more important work is to understand your parts and help them learn that you no longer need them to lead.

Instead, your Spirit-led self needs to lead.

This is the Christ-centered, Holy Spirit-empowered part of us that can lead our thoughts, emotions, and protective parts with wisdom, truth, compassion, and self-control.

When parts lead

Here’s the problem: Parts make poor leaders. They were designed for protection—not direction. For example:

• A fearful protector sees danger everywhere.

• A perfectionist measures worth by performance.

• A people-pleaser sacrifices truth for acceptance.

• A critic keeps us exhausted.

When a part is “driving the car,” our reactions become automatic rather than Spirit-led.

Instead of responding wisely, we react from old wounds.

This is why we find ourselves reacting in ways we’d rather not.

The goal

So if our parts are not meant to lead us, what should we do instead?

Here is the goal: our Spirit-led self should compassionately care for our hurting parts while remaining submitted to God’s Word. In other words, we shouldn’t try to cast out or pray away the parts of ourselves that are just trying to keep us safe. We need to turn towards them with care and compassion but not let them take over.

And yes, that can be tricky.

So what can we do?

Have you ever become aware of a pattern of behavior that you want to stop but couldn’t change no matter how hard you tried? That was Brian’s experience. Whenever he was around someone who was more confident or talented, he felt angry and judgmental. It wasn’t until we took time to acknowledge his feelings and examine the beliefs behind them that he could give permission to his angry defender part to step back and let his Spirit-led self lead.

Brian learned that healing happens when:

• you understand what the part is trying to do

• lies you believed as a child are replaced with God’s truth

• wounds are brought to Jesus

• forgiveness takes place

• safety is restored

• the Holy Spirit renews the mind

Brian also learned when parts come under the leadership of the Holy Spirit, they no longer have to work so hard.

• The protector can rest.

• The critic can become an encourager.

• The controller can learn trust.

• The pleaser can learn healthy love and boundaries.

In other words, old survival strategies become redeemed strengths.

And who doesn’t want some of that?

The process

1. The first step in learning how to manage parts is to acknowledge them because you can’t manage what you don’t acknowledge. Uncritical self-awareness is key. (Remember, the part that you find annoying is just trying to keep you safe.)

It’s important to ask yourself:

• What am I feeling?

• What just happened?

• Which part of me is reacting?

Rather than judging ourselves (or trying to pray away parts, as Brian did), it’s important to notice the thoughts and behaviors associated with a part to understand its purpose.

Remember, awareness is the first step toward freedom.

2. The next step is to identify which part is speaking/acting. Naming it helps to create a healthy distance between you and the part. It might sound something like this: “Oh, there’s my people-pleasing part trying to keep everyone happy again.”

3. Next, engage the part to understand what it is trying to accomplish and help redirect it towards Jesus. Warning: essentially this means you will be talking to yourself—well, technically, you’ll be talking to a part of yourself.

Some relevant questions to ask the part:

• What are you afraid of?

• What are you trying to protect me from?

• When did you first learn this? (Sometimes a painful memory may come up.)

• What do you need?

4. The final step is to involve Jesus in the conversation with the part. Healing comes as we invite Him into painful memories, defensive reactions, fears, and shame.

Some questions you may want to ask Jesus are:

• Where were you when this painful thing happened to me?

• What do you want this part to know?

• Can you help me stay safe so this part can rest?

• What is your truth, Jesus?

It’s important to remember that Jesus welcomes every part of our hearts. He is especially tender toward the parts of us that are broken and in captivity because He came to set those parts free.

Final thoughts

If you are like Brian and skeptical about accepting the parts of yourself you find annoying or troublesome, I get it. It wasn’t until Brian understood how this part of himself came to be—being bullied and unfairly treated by his teachers—that he was able to have compassion towards himself. He invited Jesus into those painful memories and had an experience of Jesus defending him when he was little. Brian learned he could trust Jesus to come to his defense in the future.

Although Brian still occasionally experiences anger and judgment towards others, he now asks that part to step back and let Jesus lead. Brian learned to acknowledge and work with this part rather than push it away.

You can do this too.

Remember:

• Awareness precedes transformation. We cannot surrender to Christ what we do not recognize. Instead of believing the thought, “Oh, that’s just the way I am,” consider the idea that there is a part of you that has been leading you to keep you safe.

• Protective parts are not the enemy. They often developed to help us survive painful experiences.

• Compassion opens the door to healing. Approaching ourselves with the same grace Christ extends to us allows defensive patterns to soften.

• The Holy Spirit is the true leader. The aim is not autonomous self-leadership but becoming increasingly responsive to the Spirit’s guidance.

• Healing is a work of integration. As Jesus heals wounded places, our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors become more aligned with our identity in Him.

  Share Restoration Center Encouragement

Dear Reader,

If this is the first time you are learning about parts, ask God to highlight how this information may be relevant to you. If you need help processing this information, consider discussing this with someone who knows you well; they may be able to highlight parts that you aren’t aware of.

As always, reach out if you want to set up an appointment to see if I can help you.

Leave a comment

Book a free call

When Kelly uttered those words, tears were running down her face. People unfamiliar with her journey would have likely seen sadness or even relief in those tears…

…I saw a breakthrough.

Although I had been working with Kelly and her fiancé, James, for weeks, this was the first time I had seen any visible display of the emotions tucked safely beneath Kelly’s stoic exterior. Of course, the breakthrough was not that Kelly cried; rather, it was that she had tapped into pools of pain she didn’t know existed and shared what was happening for her with James.

The challenge of being vulnerable is not unique to Kelly. Many of us find it safer to hide behind a mask of competence than to let others see the “real” us.

However, when we risk being vulnerable and are met with safety and care in our vulnerability, it feels good…

…really good.

Subscribe now

Created for connection

God did not create us to live hidden, isolated lives. From the beginning, humanity was designed for relationship with God and with one another.

That said, being with someone doesn’t guarantee that you will be fully seen or known by them. To be fully known requires a level of vulnerability that few people are willing to embrace—even in marriage.

Look what happened to Adam and Eve: Before sin entered the garden, Adam and Eve were fully known by each other and God and had no reason to hide: They were naked and felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25).

After the fall—when the couple disobeyed God—shame compelled them to begin hiding from God and turn against each other. Fear-based blame and shame entered paradise, and their sense of safety was lost.

Losing safety is a big deal because without it, vulnerability feels impossible.

And without feeling safe to bring our full selves into our relationships, our attempts to heal are futile.

We need to stop hiding to heal.

The science of connection

Our brains and bodies are designed to heal through safe connection.

When we experience safety:

• the nervous system can move out of threat mode

• the brain becomes more able to process emotions

• we can reflect instead of react

• we become more open to trust and relationship

When we experience relational safety, the brain learns:
“I am not alone. I am seen. I am safe.”

In an ideal world, you would have learned that you were safe and connected in your childhood home. A calm presence in the home is how a child learns to calm themselves. If that was not your experience, it’s likely you struggle to feel safe in relationships now.

Thankfully, it’s not too late to learn.

Safety in relationships

You do not need a perfect spouse or partner to feel safe; rather, you need someone who knows how to create space for you to be honest about who you are and what you’re going through. As you read through this list, consider whether these conditions are met in your closest relationships (and whether you are this type of person as well).

A safe person:

1. Listens without trying to fix: A safe person allows you to have your own experience and emotions even if they don’t understand how you think or act. They will listen without feeling compelled to give you advice. (Please note—this is very hard to do; how many of us want to fix problems, help someone heal from their pain, or just “improve” our significant other?)

2. Responds with compassion rather than judgment: Safe people can hear your emotions and connect to your heart so you feel seen and heard. Jesus consistently moved toward people in pain. For example, the woman caught in adultery experienced compassion and dignity, although Jesus didn’t compromise on truth (John 8: 1-11).

3. Protects what is entrusted: A safe person keeps confidentiality and doesn’t think they are above others.

“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.” (Proverbs 11:13)

4. Allows honesty but sets boundaries: A safe person will respect your experience but won’t hesitate to speak truth in love. In other words, a safe person won’t feel compelled to agree with everything you say. When appropriate, they can set boundaries and agree to disagree.

5. Seeks God’s perspective for you: A safe person doesn’t see themselves as the expert on your situation. They will acknowledge that only God knows what’s truly best for you. A safe person seeks God’s will and perspective on your behalf.

Self-reflection

You may have read this list and tried to assess how safe the people you have relationships with are. Do you have anyone in your life that knows the real you? I pray there is someone, but if not, it’s not too late to cultivate a relationship in which you feel safe being truly known.

One way to cultivate that kind of relationship is to be that kind of person for others. In other words, learn how to be safe for others.

Consider the questions below to determine if you are safe for others:

• Do people feel more free or more fearful after sharing with me?

• Do I listen to understand?

• Do I create space for people to express their emotions?

• Can I sit with someone’s pain without needing to remove it?

• Can I hear someone’s struggle without needing to fix them?

• Can I keep others' confidence?

• Can I listen to someone’s pain without trying to defend myself?

• Do I refrain from spiritually bypassing people’s pain?

If you recognize that you struggle to be a safe presence for other people, you’re not alone. If you grew up in a home that wasn’t safe for you to be yourself, it’s likely you never learned how to provide that safety for others.

Thankfully, it is possible to learn.

Share Restoration Center Encouragement

Creating safety for others

One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is not our advice or our wisdom; it is our regulated, compassionate presence. People rarely heal because someone had the perfect answer. They heal because they finally experienced being fully seen, fully heard, and fully known. They heal when they are loved despite their flaws and shortcomings.

Here are several practices that help us become a “safe person.”

1. Become secure in God’s love

The safest people are not those who have everything together; they are those who know they are deeply loved by God. Because their identity is secure, they don’t need to control conversations, defend themselves, or prove they are right. Granted, becoming secure in God’s love is not something that happens in an instant; fully believing God loves us unconditionally can be a lifelong process. If this is you, consider exploring why that is and what you can do about it.

As we become more rooted in God's acceptance, we become less threatened by another person's pain, disagreement, or weakness.

2. Learn to regulate your own emotions

A regulated person offers what psychologists sometimes call co-regulation—their calm presence helps someone else calm their nervous system. If you are someone who becomes overwhelmed by another person's feelings, the hurting person often shuts down because they don’t feel safe to share what’s happening inside.

If that is you, consider working on:

• Slowing your breathing.

• Noticing your own emotional reactions.

• Being slow to speak.

• Staying curious rather than reactive.

• Being honest about what is bubbling up in you.

Consider seeking professional help to address your triggers and dysregulation.

3. Listen to understand, not to fix

If you tend to want to fix others, know that this desire to “fix” often comes from our own discomfort with suffering. Fixing can sometimes seem like a better alternative than sitting with someone in their pain. Instead of fixing, try asking the following questions:

• “Can you tell me more?”

• “What has that been like for you?”

• “How did that affect you?”

• “What do you need from me right now?”

Sometimes the most healing words are simply:

“That sounds incredibly hard.”

4. Practice empathy before offering wisdom

Almost no one wants to be fixed; they want to be seen and heard. However, validating someone’s experience doesn’t mean agreeing with their every conclusion; it simply means recognizing that another person's experience is their own.

Empathy says:

• “I hear your pain.”

• “It makes sense that you would feel that way.”

• “You’re not alone.”

• “I’m sorry you are struggling.”

5. Respond without shaming

Shame says:

“Something is wrong with you.”

Grace says:

“I see your struggle, and I will still move toward you.”

A safe person communicates:

• “Thank you for trusting me.”

• “I’m glad you told me.”

• “You’re not too much.”

• “This doesn’t change how I see you.”

6. Become comfortable with silence

It is a gift to create a safe place for people to feel their emotions without being shut down. Many of us rush to fill the silence because we feel uncomfortable. However, remaining silent helps others to process what is bubbling up and hear what God is saying.

Sometimes presence is more healing than words.

"They sat on the ground with him seven days and seven nights. No one said a word..." (Job 2:13)

7. Learn to speak truth in love

Being safe doesn’t mean that you have to avoid difficult conversations. The key is to stay humble and curious as you offer what you see or sense happening with the other person.

Consider learning some of these key phrases:

• “Would you be open to hearing what I sense or see?”

• “I wonder if you have thought about ______?”

• “Is there anything you might be missing in your assessment?”

• “I’m curious about _________.”

• “What happens when you think about doing something different?”

• “Are you interested in having me help you explore the situation in more detail?”

8. Admit your mistakes

Ironically, one of the quickest ways to become safe is to admit when you haven’t been. Humility builds trust because it signals that the relationship matters more than protecting your image.

Some key phrases to use:

• “I misunderstood.”

• “I’m sorry.”

• “I interrupted you.”

• “Thank you for telling me how that affected you.”

• “I’m sorry I got defensive. Can we try that again?”

9. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you

Ultimately, becoming a safe person is the work of spiritual formation. We need God’s help to become more gentle, kind, and peaceful. As the Holy Spirit transforms us, the fruit of the Spirit naturally creates an atmosphere where others can flourish.

Closing thoughts

It’s often been said that healing happens in relationship—not the superficial ones, but the ones where we can share our true selves. That kind of vulnerability requires safety.

And although we can’t dictate how others respond to us, we can certainly learn to be safe for others. In doing so, we reflect the heart of Christ—the One who welcomed the weary, listened without condemnation, spoke truth with grace, and created a place where broken people could step out of hiding and begin to heal.

Will you commit to becoming that kind of person?

If so, where do you need to grow? 👇🏻

Leave a comment

Dear Reader,

Not everyone has a safe relationship to begin the healing process. If you need someone to help you, consider booking a free call to see if I can help.

Book a free call

And while I understand that sometimes the only way to deal with pain is to keep walking through it without stuffing or numbing, I reached for communion…

Read more

That question signaled a transition from our gathering time into the formal part of our online Zoom meeting.

One member offered to pray, so the rest of us bowed our heads and we waited for her to speak…

…except she never said a word.

At first, the silence confused me: I thought I had lost connection, but the virtual room of bowe…

Read more

“Your relationship?”

“No, the pain.”

Although Eric admitted that his relationship with his wife was improving, he still had a lot of painful interactions with her.`

“I get that she’s tired. But how much effort would it take to just give me a hug when I get home from work? Her lack of affection toward me is painful.”

Oh …

Read more

As I tossed and turned another night away, I experienced an intense loneliness that only the middle-of-the-night hours can orchestrate.

Although I begged God to comfort me, I continued to feel all alone.

“God, I know you’re here, but I don’t feel your presence. Where are yo…

Read more

Ann does.

Although she deeply loves her children, Ann routinely loses her temper with them and often unleashes a firestorm of verbal abuse that would make a sailor blush. As her tirade gradually subsides, the subsequent feelings of guilt and shame al…

Read more

I had just participated in a teacher-led progressive muscle relaxation practice that took maybe all of five minutes. The facilitator instructed us to shut off our camera in the Zoom classroom and lie on the floor. She then led us through a series of progressive muscle-tensing …

Read more

Jeff and I had offered to visit a couple we met at church to pray for the wife’s healing, so we gulped down some dinner and drove twenty-five minutes to their home. Donna’s* (not her real name) medical condition was complicated and showed no signs of improveme…

Read more

Well, I was mad when I pounded my fist into my couch cushions, but I don’t regret my violent outburst for one second.

After all, the couch survived and I felt a whole lot better for it.

Let me assure you, no one was around to witness my display of aggression against my furniture, nor did anyone hear the…

Read more

I was on a short break in California with a friend to write a book together, explore the coastline, and eat good food. Suffice it to say that we only managed to talk about writing the book and nothing more. We filled our days with exploring and eating, and I’m not mad about it.

In fact, I’m celebr…

Read more

When a couple sought me out to give me the above feedback, I mistakenly thought they were referring to the material we covered at a marriage conference my husband and I recently hosted. We presented eight hours of teaching and practice sessions to help couples connect more intimately, including skills to ident…

Read more

What started as normal toddler fickleness quickly descended into one of those irrational crying fits that only three-year-olds (and possibly hormonal teens) are capable of.

He was inconsolable for some unknown reason, and it was made worse because his Mommy and Daddy weren’t available to take care of him. Althou…

Read more

We were catching up at the end of the work day as many couples do when they’ve been apart. I had been passionately sharing a story about my co-worker and the struggles she was facing in her life. Although the details of the story have long faded from my memory, …

Read more

…nor should he be.

He was reeling from his nephew's death shortly after birth, and his sister’s struggle to recover after the ordeal.

To make matters worse, another young nephew was recently hospitalized, and his Mom was fired from her job because she took time off to care for the family.

When I asked Dave how he was doing, he wr…

Read more

Twice in the last week, he had acted out in ways that he promised himself he wouldn’t. He was angry, ashamed, and frustrated.

“I don’t even know why I bother trying to get better,” he moaned.

When I asked him to describe what happened, he didn’t bother to tell me, but went straight to judgment.

“The problem is my…

Read more

You know—had the extra serving of food, drank too much coffee or alcohol, or stayed up way too late binge watching a favorite show? Maybe you overspent on an outfit, a vacation, or some other treat because you just “needed a little boost?”

If you’ve done something like that recently, you a…

Read more