And I think it is important to say that without turning it into an excuse. Because the disadvantage isn’t necessarily that your work isn’t good enough. Sometimes, it’s simply that nobody is paying attention to you.

Lagos is a community.

When it comes to almost anything creative, there is an unspoken currency that comes with proximity. Know enough people, attend enough functions, be in enough rooms, put out enough good work, and eventually, someone notices you. Everyone knows someone who knows someone. Opportunities move through conversations, dinners, parties, exhibitions, studios, shoots, events and completely random encounters.

You’ve probably heard the saying:

“Everyone in Lagos is connected.” It’s not really a joke. As an artist, I started putting my work out last year. And honestly, it has been great. I’ve done things I am genuinely proud of, especially considering where I am and what I’ve had access to. But sometimes I can’t help but think about how different things could have been if I lived in Lagos. I know people there who fuck with my work. People I’ve never met physically but have built relationships with online. Sometimes I think about how much easier it would be to actually meet them, collaborate with them, be photographed with them, attend the same events, exist in the same spaces and simply be seen. And being seen matters. Not because attention makes your work better, but because attention gives good work a chance to travel.I could sit here and complain about that. I could say that I would be further ahead if I lived in Lagos. I could use geography as an excuse for everything that hasn’t happened yet. But I won’t, Fuck that. If anything, this realization has made me want to go 10x harder and 10x with more intentionality.

I am grateful for how far I’ve come. I really am. I’ve been able to make things happen with what I have, in the environment I am in, without having access to the same ecosystem that many other creatives do. And I think there is something beautiful about that.

Because while some people might look at where I live and see a disadvantage, I see blessings in it that I don’t even want to explain yet.

I will make the most of my environment.

I will work with the people around me.

I will build with whoever is willing to build.

I will learn how to create opportunities instead of waiting for them.

I will become better at presenting myself as a concept, not just presenting individual pieces of work.

Because I have learned something over the past year: Being talented is not enough.

You have to understand yourself.

You have to understand your work.

You have to understand how you want people to perceive you.

You have to know what you’re building before you start asking people to believe in it.

And I’m still figuring that out, but I’m figuring it out quickly.

My next project is about to be life-changing. I’ve been learning everything I need to learn to make it happen, and I know I still have a lot more to learn. The rest of this year is going to be about building. Building quietly, building intentionally.

Building what is coming at the end of the year and everything that comes after it.I don’t want it to simply be another project.

I want it to feel otherworldly, and it will. It’ll be something that makes people stop and ask, “How the fuck did he do this?” Something that hasn’t been done before and trust me I have made my research. And more importantly, It will mean something beyond me.

I want somebody living in a small city somewhere to see what I’m doing and realize that they don’t have to wait until they move to Lagos to become who they want to become.

You CAN build from where you are.

You CAN create your own rooms.

You CAN find your people.

You CAN make something from almost nothing.

And yes, maybe the road will be harder.

So fucking what?

I’ll take the harder road.

I will reevaluate.

I will redirect.

I will make the sacrifices I need to make.

I will keep learning.

I will keep making.

And I will keep going.

Not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Not because I want anyone to give me a chance. But because I know what I am capable of. And if I have to build the fucking road myself, then I’ll build it.

808supreme, all in.

God gives life, JOHA.

I recently picked up interest in this girl and honestly i haven’t felt this way about someone in years, i got scared because the last time i cared so deeply about someone, i got let down so badly, let down to a point it took a physical toll on my health. Heartbreak is weird, you really feel ill and i believe it can get to a point it takes your life.

Often times, i tell myself and anyone who cares to hear that i don’t believe in the idea of love, relationships etc, that i am “focusing on myself”, classic and cliché, but that cannot be further from the truth, i love love, i love deep connections, i love feeling, i love exclusivity and security, all of that and it stems from me being a passionate person, whether it’s my goals, interests, dreams, friendships and relationships, i am a passionate man.

I thought i was bulletproof but heck she proved me wrong, the plan was to stick my toes in the water, check the temperature, but next thing you know… I’m drowning.

She told me she didn’t want anything serious, she didn’t want the exclusivity, that she wants to be “free”. It made me think a-lot, at first yes, that was my intent too - no strings attached but unluckily for me, i saw something in her; And that made me think again of how the society we live in today has trained and conditioned us to be - learn to be wanted but don’t expect anything more, that perhaps if along the way, you find meaning and something profound in said endeavor, then you are broken, learn to be available but don’t desire to be chosen… “no strings attached”.

And honestly - fairs, not saying it’s right but what can i really do, if you can’t beat it, join it. So i have decided to hop on the bandwagon.

My whole life, i’m always enough to be wanted, have fun with but never enough to be chosen (when it comes to relationships). So today i have chosen to build my walls back up, go out occasionally but always return back to base before the sun sets; and never let anyone cross over those walls. I will now treat everything as nothing but an experience to add to my story, treat them as disposable, their words are just words and hold no meaning, no matter what is said, take everything with a pinch of salt and not literal.

I won’t be an island - no, but i will always have at the back of my mind that THIS is meaningless and disposable, because how dare i want to be chosen.

Not because I become cruel or irrational, but because my heart will be on my sleeve. I become hopeful. And hope has made a fool of me more times than I can count.

A lot of people jump straight to tell me “love isn’t everything” because it’s a comforting answer. But it doesn’t really address what i am saying. You’re not saying your life is empty. You’re not saying you have nothing going for you. You’re saying i have goals, ambitions, I bring my ideas to fruition and I work hard but there is one thing I keep reaching for and it never seems to reach back, it’s like the devil is working hard to keep me…alone

I tell myself I don’t care about love. I tell myself I don’t need it. I tell myself there are more important things to focus on.An idea from another man’s mind. Sometimes I even believe it.

Then I meet someone and suddenly every lie I’ve told myself falls apart.

The truth is I want to be loved and I am tired of wearing an armor.

Not admired or complimented or called different, refreshing, interesting— No, not those buzz words, because every time I hear them I just know you don’t see me as enough or worthy. So what i is to be…Loved…

I’ve built goals. I’ve built ideas. I’ve built things from nothing. Every year I become better at creating the life I want but love remains the one thing I can’t seem to figure out.

People tell me I’m young. People tell me it’ll happen eventually. People tell me not to worry about it, maybe they are right but I am not also wrong, my feelings are valid.

But tonight I’m tired of pretending those answers satisfy me. I am tired of acting detached.

I am tired of acting like rejection doesn’t hurt.

I am tired of carrying optimism to places where it never seems to return and yet, despite everything, I keep trying.

And maybe, that makes me a fool or maybe it means that somewhere beneath all this disappointment, I still believe there’s someone who will choose me the way I’ve been willing to choose others. I don’t know…

For now, all I know is that I want to be loved, and I’m tired of pretending otherwise. I currently am into something someone but we know how the story goes, my father’s curse will just manifest itself…again…sigh.

Even before I understood anything about sewing(I still don’t) or garment construction, I was drawn to clothing. Growing up, I didn’t have much of it, and I think that shaped something in me early. I always told myself that one day I’d have all the clothes I wanted and more importantly, I’d be able to make them for others. Not in a perfect or savior way, but in a simple belief that no one should feel like they’re without. That is part of why this fashion label, GRANDEUR, exists.

At some point, I went from just thinking about it to actually doing it. I started (not launched yet) the fashion label with a close friend of mine. We decided to pool our resources and build something from scratch. And when I say it hasn’t been easy, I mean it

We shot scenes that never saw daylight,
lost footage like dreams that forgot how to stay, money turned to prototypes that refused to become anything more, and tried to hold consistency, but it kept behaving like smoke. Turns out, the inside of building something is less “process” and more “weather.

But through all of that, I’m proud that we didn’t stop. I genuinely believe most people would’ve given up at some point, but I’ve never wanted to know what a “dream deferred” feels like. I just kept going.

After all of that trial and error, we finally have our first product: the Voyager Cap.

The Voyager Cap is a pillbox-style hat inspired by 19th century baseball silhouettes. The idea came from a place of frustration. I was tired of seeing and wearing the same snapbacks over and over. i needed something new on my head, So I made one.

It’s constructed with duck cotton canvas to hold its shape, a wool felt “G” logo on the front for that vintage feel, mesh lining on the inside, a two-toned brim, and a leather strap at the back.

This cap isn’t meant to be kept for special occasions, It’s meant to be worn, beaten up, lived in, and turned into something personal through experience.

Thank you for your eyes.

Grandeur soon.

That is perhaps the most accurate way to describe the social climate many Nigerians unconsciously participate in today. What disturbed me about that “Spot Nepo Baby vs Lapo Baby” video wasn’t simply the jokes, it was the ideology underneath the jokes.

The entire premise relies on the assumption that poverty has a visible aesthetic and that people deserve to be scrutinized, ridiculed and psychologically dissected for it. That is institutionalized classism packaged as entertainment.

The judges weren’t merely observing fashion or personality; they were attaching human value to material indicators. Shoes, pedicures, laptops, accents, phones, mannerisms… all treated as evidence of worth. At one point a girl having a MacBook became a source of disbelief to one particularly vainglorious judge, who asked her, “How did you get it?” as though ambition, competence or creativity are somehow incompatible with being from a poorer background. A genuinely absurd moment, like bro get out of my face right now.

And whenever the discomfort became too obvious to ignore, they tried to ameliorate the entire thing with the predictable “it’s just cruise.” But comedy does not exist in a vacuum, it reflects belief sometimes and this case is one of those times, you can tell when the “humorist” believes in these jokes. Humor often reveals the subconscious values of a society more honestly than serious conversation ever could.

What makes the video especially depressing is how accurately it reflects everyday life in Nigeria. Here, classism has become so institutionalized that people are judged not only by what they own, but by the state they come from, the school they attended, the way they speak, or whether they’ve traveled abroad. To many people, Nigeria begins and ends at Lagos and Abuja, while every other state is treated as some impoverished cultural wasteland populated by “poor people.”

That mentality is a symptom of a deeply unequal society. We live in a country battling corruption, insecurity, collapsing infrastructure, illiteracy, hunger, internalized racism and economic instability, yet social status is still measured through iPhones, designer labels and proximity to wealth. It is a bizarre contradiction: a poor society obsessed with performing wealth. Roads are terrible. Schools are deteriorating. Air quality is poor. Standards of living continue to decline. Yet as long as something is expensive, imported or inaccessible, it is immediately perceived as “luxury.” That is not sophistication; it is deprivation masquerading as prestige.

I also have a bone to pick with some of the people who volunteered to participate in that humiliation ritual of a show. If they genuinely understood the premise beforehand, that they would essentially be paraded around and socially evaluated based on perceived wealth then that is equally bizarre to me. At some point, the desire for exposure, validation or proximity to status begins to override dignity itself. Prostituting yourself and all for what?

And perhaps that is the most insidious effect of this culture: people become willing participants in their own humiliation because visibility has become currency. In a society obsessed with attention and affluence, degradation can easily be repackaged as opportunity.

And that is why the video bothered me. Not because it was offensive in isolation, but because it reflected a broader social sickness. A culture where humiliation becomes entertainment, where poverty is treated as a moral failure, and where codswallop is constantly elevated above substance. The saddest part is that despite recognizing all of this, many of us will still want to work with these people, be friends with them, network with them, or remain acquainted with them.

Why?

Capitalism.

Participate in it, but don’t marry it.

I believe I am a very purposeful person, I believe I am a star and I will be everything I want to be. I have dreams, goals and aspirations that I work towards.
That being said my purpose is to create. I’ve had this idea for a fashion label for two years now(or more)—wait no actually I’ve had the idea all my life but i started working towards it two years ago. I didn’t have the funds or who to sponsor anything or where to take out a fucking loan from—oh please I was a kid of 17 or 18 who had been on a gap year and just sitting at home in a very remote state—no money from anywhere that’s for sure.
So what did I do? I went to my friend and told him about it, he got on board and we became a team. The ride has not been the smoothest, money lost (even if I don’t think it’s a loss yet rather just a foot in front of the other that happens to miss it’s step or even put on the wrong shoes—whatever that means), time passed too; again this has been the bumpiest ride but I always stayed grateful and appreciative for the ability to pursue. Fast forward I brought more people on the team to make things easier yk but it seems me and a few other are the only ones with that fire or even just me( ofc I will feel that way because it was my idea and only me has the picture in my mind)
We’re meant to drop/launch this summer; specifically June and boy it’s so hard getting people to just “do”
It’s seems my hunger is too fierce but I don’t think so I just think it’s just hard to get people to act; the barest of things. It’s not smooth it’s not perfect but it builds something—what it builds I have no clue of but I know it builds something, I won’t give up, heck I can’t even afford to because if I do I will live the saddest life for the rest of my life.
That being said I know I will be everything I want to be, bring all my ideas to fruition—including this one, in due time. I’m gonna launch in June, all the shoots will be done, everything will work out in the end but boy is this stressful. I guess that’s just the price to pay when you’re building something meaningful…at least one of the prices.

No I don’t really know what I aim to talk about but recently I listened—watched an interview of Tyler and Jill Scott, she looks like she make beautiful music and I will tap in.

Bro I’m still figuring out myself and it’s crazy that I haven’t figured me out yet, but I do know a couple things and I’m looking for solutions. I’m losing myself hanging around these people who make me not feel like who I am but I’m holding on to what I still got, I will never forget who I am. I push people away, it’s a habit, my “friends” feel more like heightened acquaintances mostly cuz they are long distant.

I wish I had a deeper connection with my mother, I love myself but I crave to be loved too, not in a desperate way, more like a thing I’ve almost never experienced but I do not trust relationships.

I want to be more layered, focus my mind, expand my vocabulary and improve my speech, I want myself more on my interests and devote to better this year. I’m betting on myself and I must bring to fruition all these ideas and goals I had set for the year, it’s going to be awesome. Everything will work out. I’m not fully formed yet, but I’m done being passive about who I become. Again, I’m 20.

Yooooo I’m excited, I just finished this project—well, painting series—and I want to talk about it

Its aim is basically highlighting all the beautiful things about us (Africans) that are often thrown in a negative light or made fun of knowing AND unknowingly. But let me ask, Who taught YOU to hate YOURSELF?

The gap in our teeth (not everyone has a gap ofc I know) it’s truely beautiful there’s no other way I can say it, no two people’s gaps look the same and it does make one look unique and by all means I mean that as beautifully as possible. Where I come from you can be made fun of for having a gap, they will call you “open teeth”, obviously most times they mean no harm but it does something to whoever you call that in their subconscious mind that makes them feel it’s something they should be ashamed of—that painting was called Gap.

Bronze—a painting about our skin tone. Howw we are being called “black” but why, why are we being called black our tone is not black, to me we are bronze if we should be called a color; and that bronze is beautiful, it is radiant, it is deep, it is textured, it carries something sacred and it is deep rooted in our heritage if you educate yourself on that properly. Our skin is not just seen, it glows, and that glow is beautiful.

Next piece is BODY, in it I was trying to say how beautiful our bodies are and how we should adore ourselves and make sure we keep our bodies at peak level (taking care of your health that is, not saying get a bbl or anything like that lmao) and not criticizing ourselves because of dumb social standards, LOVE yourself, that’s the message there, because your body is already beautiful.

The next piece is called “Curls” I can go on and on about this one cuz it’s really about hair, why the fuck is there so much internalized racism, our hair is vilified even in our own household
I gotta work I gotta eat but if I wear my fro or have my locs you won’t give me an opportunity?
Even schools, 89% of educational institutions frown upon this, they straight out tell you that your hair makes you look dirty, unprofessional, unserious, lazy, dumb etc and even go as far as calling it sinful but then they have cultural day in school LMAOOOOOO the fucking irony of that. To me your hair is your crown if anything and there is nothing negative about it, it is beautiful, fully, naturally beautiful, I want us to get to a point where our own people can accept our own hair, like bro it’s the dumbest thing ever it’s really the stupidest thing in the world I am low-key getting pissed talking about it rn, so let me move on to the next piece—

KNOTS

This painting is the continuation of curls but this is where I adore and portray everything beautiful about our “Crown”—fuckk me I shoulda called the painting crown lmao, it’s beautiful, every knot, every coil, every texture, it’s all beautiful, our hair is beautiful.

And the last piece—Soul, adoring the beautiful nature of eyes and the roles they play physically and spiritually, as cliche as it may sound, it’s the window, there is something deep in it, something you feel, and that is beautiful.

In this “article” or newsletter, however you want to put it (that I am writing right now) I’ve used the word beautiful a lot, and that’s because that’s the only word to describe US (Africans)…beautiful
There is something so soothing and profound about the word and it describes us perfectly, my mind cannot even process the level of perfection that we are, how distinct, how textured, how sacred we are.

I truely hope that this series could connect with someone and vice versa, I am trying to be more poetic and be all concise in my narrations but then I am not a poet I am an artist, a multi faceted artist might I add and my job is just to execute ideas at the highest level possible in where I’m at in that moment or stage of my life, someone will see this now or in 5 years and be like wow this really made me think about myself in a new bright positive light and that is the whole point of this.

I’m making a song to go with how I feel about this project, don’t worry I’m not singing lol it’s an instrumental, just another way to express what this feels like beyond words. By the time everyone has read this it should be out

So I say thank you for all your eyes and ears, I bow humbly in gratitude.

Look at all my paintings here

Basically, the song is about change and acceptance, and maybe even fear too.

He talks about driving a Lincoln car, which is basically a hearse, and I think he talks about putting something in it—specifically broken hearts. Not just his own heart, but the hearts of people whose hearts he has broken. At some point he’s driving with those things in his trunk and they are bleeding from the trunk because broken hearts bleed. As they are bleeding the cops stop him, but they don’t find anything in the trunk because of course it was symbolic. Still, I also feel like it means the people who care about him too, the ones connected to him emotionally even if nobody else can see it.

Now he has his black suit on roaming like he is ready for a funeral, and there are five more miles until the road runs out.

He gets to a part where he says he is about to dive into the ocean, and I think that signifies acceptance. Taking off his shoes and clothes, diving into all the things he has been suppressing inside instead of going around them like he usually would. Of course he knows the ocean is going to be overwhelming. He even says he is trying to swim from something bigger than him, and he keeps repeating this across the song.

He says he has the 808s on the CD, memory seats stay heated, and at some point he says he lost his baby. But something changes. He says one more mile instead of five, meaning he is getting closer to the ocean. He finally reaches there. He hesitates. He says no one should save him, but at the same time it feels like he does want someone to. He just knows this is something he has to do himself.

And that’s the part where I started seeing myself inside the song.

Because I have a lot of broken hearts too.

I didn’t necessarily date all of them, but I know I have hurt people. And the truth is my heart is in that baggage too. It’s not just theirs. It’s mine as well. Childhood trauma, life experiences, negatives that have followed me for years. It gets heavy. It gets depressing. It becomes a lot.

Sure, I am pretty good at suppressing emotions.

But what happens when they blow up in my face?

Panic attack.

That’s why with my next project I want to finally unpack everything. I don’t want to say too much about it yet because I don’t want to ruin what it’s becoming before it even exists, but I feel like this is something that will help me a lot. I will finally be me. I will be open in a way I have never been before. And that scares me too, because how will people see me then? And not just that but that’s a lot of eyes in my “house”…you know? But it’s needed.

I’ll be letting people into my life through my art.

Not just broken hearts and failed romantic situations, but everything. The real weight of things I have carried quietly.

Every day that passes feels like I’m getting closer to the ocean. The miles are running out. But I want to do it so bad because I want to be free. I really want to be free.

I want to feel what Kanye felt in Ghost Town.

I want to swim good because all these things are bigger than me. I want to kick off my shoes, take off this black suit, and finally swim good.

So Wealth, let me talk to you.

It’s Wednesday the 8th of April 2026, 1:14.

You will finally be free soon.

Don’t worry.

I know you are scared, but you will be free after this. This project will change your life so much. I don’t want to talk too much about it yet so people don’t know what it is before you do it. I’m not trying to mess up your art.

But trust me.

This project will change your life.

Please swim good.

Even if you don’t swim well.

JOHA

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Recently, I met someone I genuinely liked. Not casually liked. Not “this could be interesting” liked. I mean I liked her in a way that made me uncomfortable, in a way that made me aware of how much space one person can suddenly take up in your mind without permission.

So I decided to be honest with her, because I respect both her and myself.

I told her I really like her, and that hasn’t changed. But at the same time, I started noticing something happening inside me. Trying to wait for something undefined — something without a timeline, without clarity, without direction — was beginning to affect how I felt. I could feel frustration starting to form, maybe even resentment if I wasn’t careful, and that’s not fair to anyone. Not to her, and definitely not to me.

She told me she wants to fix some things in her life first(like get over her past, she also did say I should not leave her but just be her friend for the time being) I respect that. I genuinely do. Everyone deserves the space to get themselves right.

But I also couldn’t ignore something else she said that she sees a terrible person in me, she said she saw her ex who had done her so terrible—she saw him in me, how could this even be when I have been nothing but loving and nice to her, is it in how I look? cuz it definitely isn’t in how I act. Regardless, I didn’t even want to unpack that conversation fully, because honestly, that kind of statement sits heavy whether you address it or not. Still, what stayed clearer to me than anything else was this: I don’t want to live in uncertainty.

I don’t want to be a “maybe”, the last time I waited for someone it did not work out in my favor lol.

So instead of waiting around hoping something becomes real someday, I decided to keep moving forward with my pursuit of greatness. Because the truth is, I like her to the point where it started making me uncomfortable. I felt like I was going a bit crazy for her, and that’s not normal for me. I’m not used to someone occupying that much space in my head.

And when something starts affecting your peace like that, you have to be honest with yourself.

There’s no hate at all. None.

This isn’t me being angry. It isn’t me trying to punish her or make a statement. It’s just me protecting my mind. Before I knew her, life was normal. Calm. Focused. Clear. And I think I need to get back to that place again.

Not because she did anything wrong.

But because this situation isn’t good for me right now.

Maybe it makes me look stupid. Maybe it makes me look dramatic. Maybe it makes me look crazy. But honesty sometimes looks like that from the outside. And I’d rather be honest than slowly turn into someone resentful over something that was never clearly mine to begin with.

So instead of waiting, I’m choosing distance.

Not out of hate but out of respect for myself.

I’ve been thinking about this matchup for a minute now since I saw people on twitter talking crazy on my boy Tennyson and I genuinely don’t understand why people still argue about Ben Tennyson vs Conquest or even Ben vs the entire Viltrumites empire like it’s close. It’s not close.

And I’m not even saying that as some blind fan argument, I’m saying that because once you actually understand what the Omnitrix can do at peak level the conversation changes completely.

People talk about Viltrumites like they are unstoppable and yes they are insanely powerful physically. They conquer planets. They survive ridiculous damage. They live for centuries. They fight nonstop their whole lives. They are warriors in the truest sense.

But Ben is not just another strong fighter.

Ben has Alien X.

And once Alien X enters the conversation we are no longer talking about strength vs strength, speed vs speed or durability vs durability. We are talking about reality manipulation.

Alien X literally recreated the universe after it was erased.

That alone should end most debates because that immediately puts Ben on universal-level scaling. The entire Invincible power structure is built around physical domination and planetary conquest, not reality editing.

Conquest is terrifying in the Invincible universe because he is brutal, experienced and nearly unstoppable physically. But he cannot fight someone that can rewrite reality itself. He cannot punch his way out of time manipulation. He cannot survive existence being edited.

Even outside Alien X, Ben still has aliens like Clockwork that manipulate time itself. Clockwork can age opponents forward, reverse time, trap people in temporal loops, and Viltrumites have no defense against time manipulation at all.

Then there’s Gravattack controlling gravity itself.

Then there’s Way Big who is already operating at planetary-scale strength. So even before reality hacks enter the conversation Ben is already physically competing at the same scale as high-tier Viltrumite threats.

Another thing people forget is the Omnitrix itself has failsafes. It literally protects Ben from dying by automatically switching him into the correct alien if he’s about to take lethal damage. So landing a killing blow on Ben in the first place is already extremely difficult.

And people love bringing up the Alien X personality argument like Ben can’t move or act, but later in Ben 10: Omniverse Ben clearly gains far better control over Alien X. That weakness mostly disappears at peak scaling.

Now when people say “what about the whole Viltrum empire?” that argument honestly makes even less sense to me.

Viltrumites are conquerors, yes. They dominate planets. They are raised in war culture and trained from birth to fight.

But they are still physical fighters.

They are not immune to time manipulation.

They are not immune to gravity control.

They are not immune to reality warping.

Alien X alone is enough to deal with the entire empire.

This is why I think people are comparing the wrong version of Ben in these conversations. They are thinking of early Ben.

Peak Ben is different.

Peak Ben is operating on a completely different scale than most characters in the Invincible universe.

Viltrumites are empire-level physical conquerors.

Alien X is a reality editor.

This isn’t me saying Viltrumites are weak. They are some of the most dangerous fighters in their universe. But Ben with the Omnitrix at full potential is not fighting on their level.

He is fighting above it.

Tennyson in 5

Right now I’m in an environment where nobody is really like me. I think I’ve mentioned this before. Sometimes I catch myself following patterns that are not me, saying things that are not me, sounding in ways that are not me. It makes me feel very useless at times. Not useless in the sense that I don’t have value, but useless in the sense that I’m not operating as myself. I’m not moving the way I know I’m supposed to move.

I don’t necessarily forget that I’m the king, the greatest, the star. I don’t forget it completely. It’s more like I dim my light a bit. Like I lower the volume of myself so I can exist in the space I’m currently in. And I get why it happens, but it still affects me.

Even with that, I really try to guard myself. I always try to remember who I am. I think that’s important. Because if I stop remembering who I am, then I can actually get lost for real. And that’s something I refuse to let happen.

I’ve even realized that I’ve lost a lot of memories from my past that actually shaped me. Not because they disappeared, but because I don’t pay attention to them anymore. I don’t revisit them, I don’t talk about them, I don’t reflect on them the way I probably should. Those memories helped build me. They helped form the way I think, the way I create, the way I see the world. When you stop revisiting those parts of yourself, it can feel like pieces of your foundation are getting quiet.

But even with all that, my point is simple: never forget who I am so I don’t get lost.

Because being in a space where I can’t fully thrive is really taking a toll on me. I can feel it sometimes. There are days when it’s heavier than others. Days when I feel like I’m holding something inside me that the environment around me doesn’t really understand. And those days can be sad days. Real sad days.

Still, I won’t let it bring me down.

I know who I am. Even when my light feels dimmer than usual, I know it’s still there. Even when the environment around me doesn’t reflect me back to myself, I know what I carry. I know the vision I have. I know the person I’m becoming.

So the goal is simple: never forget who I am.

Because once you remember who you are, even when you’re in the wrong space, you don’t disappear. You just pass through it

Now with me, when I create, I can’t help but overly express. I figured that out about myself. With my art it’s very expressive. I don’t just put the name of the piece, medium, size and call it a day like other artists. No. I make sure I give the story about that piece. That’s me. I literally cannot be a mysterious artist for shit.

But at the same time, creating is also an outlet for me from suppressing my emotions and everyday feelings.

And by that I mean instead of talking about things, paying attention to them, thinking about them properly, or even acknowledging my trauma, heartbreaks, or challenges of any sort — I just create art. Not necessarily about those things either. Sometimes about completely different things. It sounds very juxtaposing. Maybe even oxymoronic.

An expressive artist who suppresses emotions, (does that make even an iota of sense to you? I sound like a crazy man if anything lol) Someone who feels but doesn’t feel enough. Or maybe someone who feels a lot but has suppressed things to the point that the feelings don’t always show up the way they should.

I don’t even know how to explain it properly.

For example, a friend of mine died. I felt bad about it. I really did. But not necessarily heartbroken in that heart-rumbling way people describe. I was shocked though. I cried about it like twice, mostly about how I felt like I abandoned my friend. Then life just continued. I don’t want to go too deep into that right now, but that’s an example.

I feel things, but I don’t feel them enough. Or maybe I move on from them too fast. Or maybe I drop them too fast.

Sometimes I think I created this false reality that I’ve delusionally made myself believe just so I can keep going. It’s crazy when I think about it. Because art is my form of expression. But at the same time art is also my form of suppression.

Instead of sitting inside certain emotions, I create.

Instead of confronting certain realities, I create.

Instead of acknowledging certain feelings fully, I create. So in a strange way I express everything and hide everything at the same time. And somehow both of those things are true.

But regardless, I will never stop creating. Check out my art if you will

Richessehq

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THIS PIECE IS ABOUT A MAN, BUT NOT JUST ANY MAN. A FIGHTER. AND I DON'T JUST MEAN THAT IN THE LITERAL SENSE. HE COULD BE A BOXER, A WORKER, A CREATIVE, OR ANYONE WHO'S EVER HAD TO STAND TALL IN THE FACE OF DOUBT. THE FIGHT ISN'T ALWAYS PHYSICAL, SOMETIMES IT'S WAKING UP AND CHOOSING TO BELIEVE IN YOUR DREAM AGAIN, EVEN WHEN NOTHING AROUND YOU IS WORKING YET.

HE BELIEVED IN HIMSELF FULLY. HE BELIEVED HE'D WIN, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TOOK.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU TRULY KNOW YOUR PURPOSE, TIME DOESN'T SCARE YOU. THE STRUGGLE DOESN'T SCARE YOU. HE EITHER WINS OR DIES TRYING, BUT HE WON'T DIE TRYING, BECAUSE HE WILL WIN. THAT'S THE KIND OF CERTAINTY THAT LIVES INSIDE HIM.

I RESONATE WITH HIM COMPLETELY, IF ANYTHING...HE'S ME, I'M THAT MAN. I WILL BE THE GREATEST ARTIST EVER, AND I DON'T JUST MEAN BRUSH STROKES. I MEAN EVERY-THING THAT COMES FROM CREATION, EVERY WAY I EXPRESS WHAT'S INSIDE ME. YOU MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND THAT RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU'LL GET THE JOKE LATER.

STILL, THIS PIECE ISN'T JUST ABOUT ME. IT'S FOR EVERYONE WHO'S EVER CARRIED A VISION IN SILENCE. EVERYONE WHO'S BEEN LAUGHED AT, OVERLOOKED, OR DOUBTED BUT STILL KEPT GOING. IT'S FOR EVERY FIGHTER IN THEIR OWN FIELD, CHASING SOME-THING BIGGER THAN THEMSELVES. DON'T HANG YOUR DREAMS ON THE SHELF CUZYOU'RE SCARED OF FAILURE OR WHAT CERTAIN PEOPLE MIGHT SAY OR HOW THEY MIGHT FEEL, PUT IN A 160% AND WATCH YOUR IDEAS COME TO FRUITION AND DREAMS BECOME YOUR REALITY, I WILL BE THE GREATEST ARTIST SOON, WATCH JUST WATCH AND YOU LOT TOO KEEP ROOTING FOR YOURSELVES, WE ALL GON MEET AT THE TOP

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Do I even have friends? A question I have been asking myself a lot for the past couple of days. Let me find the vocabulary to express what i feel in this moment.

All my life I’ve always been an alien and by that I mean I never fit it fully and I’m always finding to be very temporary in everyone’s life, even those I care about. I noticed that I’ve never really had deep connections with anyone and up until now it’s that way.

Imagine going through your life thinking you have friends but truely you don’t, you just know people…yh that’s heartbreaking. Everyone I see as my friend tend to have their own people that are involved in their everyday life and it’s clear they have deep connections with those people, not saying I don’t care about them or they don’t care about me—no it’s never that, it’s that I am not part of that closeness, I just know my friends wekk enough to not be shallow but involved enough to have a deep connection and that realization is hurting. I’m almost 21 and I have no real friends in my proximity, now I know some genius reading this will say “just make friends with people in your proximity” but it’s not as easy as it sounds, asides the crippled anxiety I possess, the people in my proximity are not my people, and I don’t mean it in a “I’m better than everyone way” it’s more of they don’t have what I want when I am thinking of the ideal friend, they are very shallow people.

Everyone I care about lives far away, and mostly we talk through texts and calls but I don’t think that’s enough, it’s something but it’s not enough. And I cannot text and call them all the time, we have different lives and it will get annoying and inconvenient for everyone—you know how it goes

There’s definitely a connection but some level of intimacy is missing

Life for me is very lonely, and I’m not saying this for pity or whatever, I’m just saying it because it’s…freeing to some degree, I basically raised myself I never really saw my parents, always from school to house even till high school. Now that I am thinking about it high school was the only time I felt some level of closeness with people, maybe I can say they were my friends…then because even those times I hated the school and most people in it, from the staff to my peers, after I left I never kept in touch because they really were not my people—I was coping. I’d come home to a lonely house, just me, my room and my Nintendo 3ds I played all the time, and my little brother…he was my friend and still is, but I think you get the gist.

Wait what was this article about again? lol. I hope anyone reading this can understand what I am trying to talk about even with me jumbling up everything. I want what my friends have is what I am saying, I want that with then but it’s impossible because of distance, I get jealous sometimes times watching everyone have their own circle and how close they are, going out together, living together, eating together, playing, being silly…it’s beautiful but the jealousy is there, not in a malicious way of course but in a human way

Hopefully one day I have something as deep as that, until then I’ll keep being the lone wolf…

Today I asked a friend to tell me honestly what she thinks about me. I expected something light. Maybe a few personality observations. Maybe something encouraging.

Instead she told me the truth.

She said I’m overly obsessed with my goals and my passion. That I forget to live. That I push people away. That I’m avoidant. That I act like the world revolves around me sometimes. That I’m scared of commitment. That I’m sensitive but I bottle everything up until it explodes. That I run from my trauma instead of facing it. That even my friendships feel surface-level.

And the crazy part is she wasn’t wrong.

At first I thought I had deep connections with people. But when I really thought about it, I realized most of the people I care about live far away. They’re my people, but they’re not physically here. They have their own circles, people they see every day, people they live life with in real time.

I don’t have that.

And I think I’ve been filling that loneliness with two things:

lust

and the pursuit of greatness

Ambition gave me direction. It gave me identity. It gave me something to hold onto. But when everything gets quiet, I still feel it.

I’m lonely.

The people around me right now are not my people. Not in the way that matters. Conversations stay on the surface. Sometimes they even subtly mock the things I care about building. Because of that, I stopped talking about what I’m working toward. I kept it to myself.

So I told myself I was fine.

But I wasn’t.

I’ve been strong alone for a long time. Maybe too long.

The strange thing is I’m not disconnected from everyone. I do have people who understand me. They just aren’t here physically. And that makes a difference I didn’t fully admit to myself until now.

I also realized something harder to admit.

Even inside my own family I don’t always feel understood. I love them, but closeness isn’t automatic just because people are related to you. Sometimes they try to create closeness, but it doesn’t feel real to me because I’ve already seen sides of them that made distance necessary.

I love my mum.

I love my sister too, even though I rarely see her.

And my brother is probably the closest thing I have to a deep connection around me right now.

But even he isn’t always physically present in my life.

So I think part of this loneliness is older than I first thought.

And it’s deeper than just “I’m somewhere that doesn’t mirror me.” I’m very fucking lonely because I shut off. I have so much trauma that’s been unattended from childhood, family, and a certain relationships. I’ve reflected on that, and I know it shaped me to be avoidant, closed off, and protective of myself.

Do you know how bad something has to be to mess you up so much that you physically can’t remember it clearly? That you actively create a new imaginary world to survive? That world is now your reality. And you can’t even remember the events clearly. That’s insane. That’s how I am. I’m really lonely, man.

All my real friends, or people that could be my real friends, are very far away. And because they’re not physically present, I naturally keep those relationships low-maintenance at times. Or spaced out. We text, we call, and I love them — but they’ve got their own lives, their own proximity-based connections.

I wish I had the vocabulary to express this fully. This is as far as it gets, at least for now.

I think I also realized something else today:

being driven is not the same as being connected

and chasing greatness is not the same as being known

I don’t regret caring deeply about what I’m building. I don’t regret having vision. I don’t regret wanting more from life.

But I do want people inside the life I’m building(but I am also scared even if I may not know it)

Not later.

Not someday.

Now.

So maybe this is just a checkpoint moment. Not a breakdown. Not a failure. Just honesty.

Maybe this is me realizing I don’t just want to become something.

I want to belong somewhere too. 🌒

And maybe writing this is the first time I’m actually admitting that to myself.

And by art, I don’t just mean painting or drawing. I mean any form of expression. Anything that comes from the human instinct to create.

Because before anything else, human beings are creators. I recently came across a quote by Marco Pierre White that stuck with me:

If you work with your hands, you are a labourer.

If you work with your hands and your mind, you are a craftsman.

But if you work with your hands, your mind, and your heart, you are an artist.

So be an artist.

I think one of the biggest things that stops people from creating is fear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being judged. Fear of failing.

But what exactly is so terrifying about failing?

You only really fail when you stop creating.

Creation is part of our nature. It’s part of our purpose. And I’m not saying this as some motivational speaker trying to preach to others. Honestly, I’m speaking to myself as much as anyone reading this.

Every day I’m trying to build a level of confidence in my work where self-doubt has no room to live.

Not arrogance. Just belief.

Belief that what I’m creating matters, even if the world doesn’t understand it yet.

At the end of the day, this whole thing is a journey. A long one. And I’m on it like everyone else.

But I do know one thing.

I will keep creating.

And one day, I will be one of the greatest artists to walk this planet.

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