They are a new Mum and from what I can remember seeing in the past, they had some issues conceiving.

Issues with conceiving isn’t really why I’ve come on here to write although I think there is something to say around this which I will get to.

When I was perpetually single in my 20’s and early 30’s, all I wanted was to meet someone and have a baby.

Subscribe now

I am very blessed because I fell pregnant very quickly once I met my now husband and we weren’t even trying.

Throughout the years I had watched my friends become pregnant and have babies and as I said, it was what I always wanted.

What I didn’t know was just how hard I would find it.

Something that really touched me in the video I saw today was this lovely woman say how guilty she feels for not feeling happier. Everyday she wakes up and feels like she “should” be feeling so good because she is so privileged and has literally everything she always wanted.

I cannot tell you how much I resonate with this.

I ALWAYS wanted to meet a man who I truly loved, I never wanted to settle. I always wanted to be pregnant. I always wanted a baby and funnily enough as a young girl, I always wanted twins.

Within the space of a year, I literally had everything I had always dreamed of.

The question was, why then, was I not loving it, and why was every day so anxiety inducing and hard.

Subscribe now

I am nine and seven years away from those early baby phases and looking back I still don’t know if I have any answers to that question.

What I do know is that I spent a lot of time feeling so guilty for not enjoying it all more.

The thing is, the more I look back, the more I wonder if there just isn’t any way to love it more.

There were beautiful moments

But.

And there is always a but.

My baby is four months old in this photo. I look at it and all I can think is how tired I look and how I aged 10 years in four months. I remember I bought this t shirt from Asda because I had nothing to wear. I hated it. I felt fat and I was sweating profusely because what you can’t see in this photo is the two toddlers running around next to me. Just getting out the house had felt like a mammoth task. Then the anxiety I felt while out was huge. One of me, three of them. I kept wondering how if I could and would manage it all. The thing is. I did.

I wish I could go back and hug that version of me and tell myself to be a little kinder to myself.

I wish I could tell her she is doing so much better than she realises.

I was completely, totally and utterly exhausted. Everyday felt like walking through a fog. I did later discover that my vitamin D was very low and this was likely one of the many reasons I felt so physically and emotionally exhausted.

But also.

I was putting SO much pressure on myself to be bouncing back and managing and living the way that I had pre children.

It was impossible.

I couldn’t live my life the way I had pre children. There was another one or two, in my case, and eventually three, other humans who all had their own needs, emotions and agendas.

I couldn’t just nip to the shop. Going to the shop meant getting everyone ready and into the pram, and did I best take the nappy bag, just in case.

My body didn’t feel the same. Nothing fit. Nothing felt right when I put it on.

I remember going to a hen do when my babies were about eight months old and just feeling so completely out of place. Everyone else looked the same to me, where as I felt like a whole new person and I didn’t look or feel the same at all.

I didn’t know who I was or how to to act and while I was desperate for some time away from being a Mum, I also couldn’t stop thinking about my babies and if they were ok and if I’d expressed enough milk and was my husband managing ok and should I leave early,l?

I did in fact leave early.

I didn’t even know what to talk to everyone about.

I hadn’t done anything recently except look after small babies. I had nothing to say other than how much I loved my breast feeding pillow.

Honestly, it was amazing!

I digress.

I think we put so much pressure on ourselves. Make long lists in our heads full of all the things we think we “should” do and feel and it’s often incredibly unrealistic.

Having a baby, whether you have one or more, is absolutely and completely life changing. I personally feel it’s impossible to explain. The only way you’ll ever know is to do it.

Of course, people have all sorts of stories and advice and I remember one friend saying she wanted to write a step by step book for people.

This was a few months after her first.

I just remember thinking. It won’t work. I tried to tell you as honestly as I could but you couldn’t comprehend it until you experienced it first hand.

I don’t know what your experiences are and I’d love to hear.

Whatever stage you’re at. I really want to remind you that’s there’s no right or wrong.

If things are feeling hard right now, that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re failing. In fact, I would go so far as saying, it means you’re doing great.

You’re a human experiencing human emotions and Disney taught us that we should ride off into the sunset and all would be well.

Life is unfortunately not like that.

Or is it unfortunate.

Maybe not.

I am sure there are new mums who don’t struggle in the way that I did.

The struggle taught me so much though.

It taught me that I am stronger than I think I am.

I did get through it and my children and I are thriving.

It taught me that there is no bouncing back and there is definitely no going back. There is only the next step forward and actually comparison is the thief of joy, so I best make sure that the step forward is the one I want to take, the one that is right for me and not the one that Sue down the road is taking, and not even the step that Jessica Alba is taking.

Yes, you read right. Jessica Alba.

She must have had one of her children around the same time and I remember seeing photos of her looking exactly like she did pre baby, two to three weeks after giving birth.

To say it messed with my head is an understatement. It’s seven years since I had my third baby and I still don’t look like I did before pregnancy.

I’ve realised that’s ok.

Everyone’s path and journey is totally different.

Yours is right for you.

Trust it and trust yourself.

Even on your hardest day, you know what you’re doing.

Even on your hardest day, you’re doing better than you think you are.

Even on your hardest day, you’re more than you think you are.

I see you.

I believe in you.

Keep going.

I know it’s going to get better for you even if you can’t believe that for yourself right now.

I don’t think that I fully understood frustration until I became an actual mother.

I think it’s possible that I’ve always felt this in some way or another, but if I’m honest I feel like I have never felt quite as unseen and unheard as I do as a Mother.

It’s like I no longer exist.

I mean, I guess I don’t.

Subscribe now

Yes, on the one hand I am my children’s safe space.

Or at least I really hope I am.

But in being that, I almost cease to exist.

By being their safe space, I hold all their very big emotions.

I’ll also be honest here. I often don’t do this as well as I’d like.

I already have so many of my own emotions that trying to hold theirs as well can tip me over the edge.

I can hold it for a little while and then I snap.

I really want to be and try to be someone with an endless supply of kindness, compassion and patience.

I am not.

I can be screamed at and shouted at and told I’m the worst parents EVER for a short period of time and then it all becomes too much.

It’s hard to hold kindness, compassion and patience for others when you’re not used to holding it for yourself and when it hasn’t always been shown to you, not through anyone’s fault, simply because we’re all doing the best we can, with what we have and know in any given moment.

Back to not existing.

Of course I do.

But. Also.

My children can’t hear me when I ask them to put their shoes on and pick up their toys.

They love me, possibly more unconditionally than I’ve ever been loved before but they also don’t see me as a person.

I am their caretaker. I’m the person who takes them to school and picks them up, and if I miss a couple of days then I’m told I NEVER take them to school despite having done so 99% of the time for the past 5 years. I am the person who provides snacks and food, brushes their hair, reminds them to take their water bottle to school, which they still don’t seem to be able to fill from the tap themselves and remember to put in their bag.

Subscribe now

I’m the person they see picking up their toys and putting them away, hanging the washing and organising play dates and parties but all they see and remember is that Mummy is ALWAYS reading her book.

It truly, most days, feels like I don’t exist to them outside of what I’m doing for them.

This is how it should be, I guess? Is it?

I am grateful that they feel safe enough to lose their shit at me and I truly feel like shit when I lose my shit back at them.

As we fast approach the summer holidays I am reminded of previous years where by September I feel like a shell of myself.

By the end of August, I am losing my shit left right and centre and am unable to have a rational thought or speak to my children without severe impatience lining every word.

I have been wondering what I can do to try and minimise that.

So far I’ve come up with……

Run away.

Hire a Nanny for the summer?

…..

Anyone?!

I joke. Sort of.

Subscribe now

I often can’t get the ratio right either. Sometimes I organise too many things for us to do or I don’t organise enough.

This year I am very much rolling with it.

I am going to attempt to be present and free.

Maybe we’ll have lots of pj days.

Maybe we’ll meet up with friends.

Maybe I’ll try and book some nights out with friends. By nights out, I of course mean a nice meal, a trip to the sauna at Draughton heights or a sound bath. I’m cool like that you see.

Anyway, I don’t have the answer. At. All.

What I do have is an awareness that I often find it a lot. I’m entering the summer holidays already feeling overwhelmed at the state of my house and the big emotions my children appear to be feeling.

So, all I can do is keep that awareness, try and offer myself kindness and compassion, by that I mean, stop expecting perfection and for everything to be wonderful all of the time.

I’m also going to try and work some time alone into everyday, maybe a short walk, a workout, a bath, an evening drink with a friend, a sound bath (genuinely).

These things take effort.

My toxic trait is booking things in and then not wanting to do them.

Or.

Thinking about booking something in and then not doing it because it all feels like too much effort and it’s much easier to stay in and binge Netflix.

This holiday I am going to remind myself that even though it takes more effort and I don’t always feel like it, it does generally make me feel better.

I am going to try and keep my cup filled so I don’t lose my shit as much, so I can give more, or even just a normal amount, to my children.

Tell me how you are?

What’s your journey with motherhood been like?

Do you relate to what I’ve written or do you think I’m whackadoodle ☺️

Anything is ok.

Sending much love ❤️

Subscribe now

P.S. I wrote this a few weeks ago. Today is the start of the second week of the holidays. Last week was busy and intense and we did something everyday and everyday of the weekend too.

Last night I felt myself start to feel overtired and severely underappreciated.

So, today we are having a PJ, rest and reset day.

I woke up at six and did a workout alone. It was hard to get up but by the end of the workout I was beyond grateful that I had done it. I felt immensely better.

I have also literally just booked a yin yoga class for Thursday evening.

I ummed and aahhed because, as I said, it takes effort to get out. I’ve had to ask my Mum to have the children as it starts at five and my husband likely won’t be home from work. I will likely have my youngest asking me what I’m doing going out without them and telling me I’m not allowed to go.

It feels easier to simply stay in. I know that I will be glad I’ve gone once I’m there.

I’m telling you this because I know that it’s hard. Taking care of ourselves can often feel like one thing too many. Another thing to add to the to do list, another thing to think about and plan and then like yin yoga, another thing to pay for.

I just want to remind you.

You are worth it.

You matter.

You are SO important.

Take care. Be kind to yourself and if you want to talk, get in touch. I would LOVE to hear from you.

If you know, you know and if you don’t, don’t worry about it.

It occurred to me while I was walking that I haven’t taken a full deep breath in a good couple of weeks.

Subscribe now

Today I feel exhausted. My head hurts. I am beyond overwhelmed at the state of my house.

What I really want is someone to come along, wrap me up, send me to bed and tell me everything is going to be ok.

Then when I wake up my house will be clean and tidy, the children will be collected from school and the tea will be made.

Sadly, this is not going to happen.

This morning I wasn’t sure what would make me feel better.

Should I go home to bed or should I go for a walk.

I chose to walk.

My head is still throbbing but I am regaining some semblance of calm the further I walk.

My mind is emptying.

Note I said emptying. Not empty.

If you know what an empty mind feels like please message me and let me know.

It’s not something I’ve ever experienced and I meditate.

Anyway, back to my walk and my realisation that I haven’t taken a full deep breath, despite regularly listening to meditations, in a while.

Life has been busy.

There was a holiday away, amazing, but so busy.

Then there was the reorganising of the house. It’s still happening and not fully finished, hence the complete chaos in my house.

I realise that I have become so busy in mind and body. Thinking, worrying, doing.

I’ve lost sight, again, of the point.

The point being, BE ing.

We live in such a fast paced, modern world.

We wear our busyness like a badge of honour.

The more stressed we are, the more worthy we feel we are.

Certainly this is what I have been led to belive.

If it’s something different for you, again, please can you let me know. I’d love to hear.

Today I felt overwhelmed and triggered when I saw a message in the Mum’s WhatsApp group.

Why is it a Mum’s group?! Where are the Dad’s?

This is definitely a thought for another day.

It’s a good question though, isn’t it?!

Anyway, there was talk of secondary schools.

My eldest will go into year 5 in September, so we still have two years to go. I’m still not ready though, I don’t know if I ever will be.

The talk was of going to see the Grammar schools in the area.

These are the same sex schools that children take an entrance exam to attend.

I have no problem if this is what people think is best for themselves and their children.

What I do feel is that it isn’t the right thing for me or my children.

I’m not sure how I feel about the education system, other than to think it’s a little bit outdated and I’m not convinced that it’s teaching our children much other than how to be anxious, how to be super competitive and convinced that you’re only worthy if you’re achieveing A’s.

I personally believe that we should be teaching children how to take a deep breath, regulate their nervous system and balance a cheque book and budget their money.

I know, if I don’t like it, take them out of school and home school educate.

Maybe one day I will but at the moment my mind and I are too busy trying to create enough income to pay all our bills and I don’t know how we could factor in home schooling. Maybe one day.

Subscribe now

Despite what you have read so far.

This essay isn’t about education, or homeschooling, or what is right or wrong.

Mainly, because I have no idea what is right or wrong for you or your family.

I only know what is right for me and my family, and even then I question myself daily.

This essay is about trust.

I know, it might not seem like that.

The thing is, I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the years. I’ve been a band 7 clinical nurse specialist aka career success and I realised that that still wasn’t making me happy and fulfilled so, I left to find and create another way.

The problem is. I am still a member of this world and society, and I often feel like the minority.

What I want to create and achieve no longer looks like the success that we are sold at school and through the media and especially social media.

I no longer believe that a successful career will make me happy.

If they are making you happy, I am genuinely so happy for you, and maybe even a little jealous.

I want to create a life I don’t need a holiday from. I want to be paid to do work that doesn’t feel like work.

I am practising taking a deep breath daily, because I know from experience, a settled and regulated nervous system is life changing and ultimately changes the way life feels.

You might be reading this and thinking, isn’t that what we all want?

A settled nervous system and a life we don’t need a holiday from.

Maybe. I don’t know.

If it is what you want, great.

I think the thing is, I truly believe it’s possible and I won’t stop taking steps everyday until I get there.

It is absolutely possible for you too.

You first have to believe that it’s possible, then find the next small step to take towards it.

The point of this whole, long and rambling essay, is that I also want to trust what I want.

I don’t want to feel triggered when I hear people are looking at entrance exam secondary schools, that’s absolutely their choice and their right.

I want to trust myself.

I want to trust the choices I am making for myself and my family.

It might be right for them and that’s ok.

It does not mean that I am wrong.

It does not mean that I have to do the same.

It simply means that I have to lean deeper into trusting myself and my choices.

We all know, deep down inside, intuitively, what is right for us.

We just have to keep taking deep breaths and remembering.

You’re more than you think you are.

Wherever you are right now, it’s exactly where you are meant to be.

Tell me the secret.

I have been so sure there is a right and wrong way to do things and to live life.

I have been so sure that I haven’t been getting it right and that everyone else has been.

It has taken me a long, long time to realise that there is no right or wrong way.

That’s a lie we’ve been told.

Go to school, go to university, get a good job, get married, have kids.

This is what we’re told is the “right” way.

The thing is, life isn’t black or white.

I know many people who believe it is.

I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be one of those people.

The world has never been black or white to me.

It’s always been so, so grey.

There is, as far as I can see, never just one answer.

There are always at least two sides to everything.

Good/bad. Right/wrong. Up/down.

Even in all these there are more than two sides really.

There’s so many different options.

We get so stuck on what we “should” be doing it never even occurs to us to ask, is this even what I want to be doing?

I’ve been asking for a while now.

Is this what I want? Does this make me happy?

Even asking these questions has felt wrong.

Why can’t I just get on with my life like everyone else.

Why can’t I just find a job that pays me every month even if it makes me miserable.

Why can’t I just buy a house and set myself up with the monthly payments that ultimately mean I can never stop or rest or get off the hamster wheel.

Why can’t I just do what it seems everyone else is doing and stop looking for more.

I don’t know why, I just know that I can’t.

I have never been able to settle.

I have always believed more is possible.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t still want someone to come along and give me the magic key to happiness.

I do.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t continually question myself.

I do.

What if I never find it.

This magical place that I believe exists.

Where I get to do what I love and live well.

Where I don’t have to go to a job that makes me miserable just to pay for a house that makes me feel stuck and trapped and suffocated.

We’re taught that all there is, is what we can see.

But what I see is totally different to someone who was born to millionaire parents.

What I believe is possible is also different.

I can’t accept that, all that is possible for me, is what I can see, and what I have already experienced.

Just over 10 years ago I believed in love at first sight.

I believed that it was possible to meet someone and to feel instantly at home with them.

I knew I didn’t want an awkward, long, drawn out dating situation.

I had absolutely never experienced that and I didn’t even really know anyone else who had either.

I often doubted it was possible.

But still…..

Date after date that didn’t feel right.

The guys were fine. Lovely even.

Just. Not right.

I wanted to give up.

I wanted someone to give me the key.

I wanted to settle.

Everyone else was.

Why couldn’t I?

I still don’t know the answer

I just know that I couldn’t

And I didn’t

And I am forever grateful for that.

Because he came.

Was it love at first sight?

Maybe not.

I knew though.

I knew that I felt calm and safe.

Subscribe now

That wherever he was in the room, I wanted to be near him. I wanted to hear what he had to say.

What I had seen growing up was marriages deteriorating the longer they were together. Growing apart, sniping and arguing, bitterness and resentment.

I knew I didn’t want that.

I didn’t know how or even if it was even possible.

In January my husband and I celebrated 10 years together.

I remember saying to him.

I had no idea.

I didn’t realise it could get better.

That instead of growing apart you could grow deeper together.

That you could still want to spend time together and talk and laugh and hug and all those things.

Every year it gets better.

I had no idea.

I would have settled for less if I had believed only what I had seen.

I feel like I’ve gone off on a tangent.

My point when I started was.

There’s no right or wrong way.

There’s no secret key.

There’s no one set path.

Only your OWN path.

Even if you can’t see it.

Start by believing it’s possible.

I still don’t know what I’m doing.

Am I a writer?

Am I a coach?

I have no idea.

All I know with absolute certainty is that I am a wife and a mother.

These are the two most important roles in my life at this time.

The only other thing I believe with my whole heart is that a life full of joy doing what I love is possible.

A life I don’t need a holiday from is possible.

I have no idea how or even what that really looks like.

I just know it’s possible.

I think the key is not magic. It’s to simply stop trying to follow others.

It’s to stop thinking others have the answer.

I know the answers are within me.

It’s quietening the outside noise long enough to hear.

It’s not settling.

It’s trusting, even when it feels hard.

It’s believing that more is possible.

That even though I haven’t seen it.

I can imagine and believe it.

Therefore, it’s totally possible.

Who’s with me?

Yes, I did just watch voicemails for Isabelle on Netflix. (If you’ve seen the film you’ll get this reference)

It’s predictable and also, in my opinion, very very enjoyable.

I also cried.

Who’s with me is also, I believe, a very Jerry Maguire line.

I stand by it.

Who’s with me?

Let’s stop looking at others to show us the way.

Let’s trust ourselves and follow our own paths.

I believe in you.

Somehow, in a very unexpected, but not that unexpected way, I found myself as chair of the PTA.

ME. I am not someone who would consider themselves a leader or a head of anything. I wouldn’t say that organising things is something that I excel at.

I believe that what I excel at is following a leader.

Eveything in my life to this point also backs this up (more on this another time, there is still the story of the cult to get around to talking about, one day, when I am able)

Anyway, the other year, when I wasn’t chair, we organised an amazing event called Threstival.

Why was it amazing you ask?!

Well, lots of reasons, but mainly because someone else, an incredible woman with incredible energy and enthusiasm, led it. I had never organised an event before so she basically told me what to do and I did it.

Sometimes, because she’s amazing, she even went ahead and did the thing that she asked me to do.

She’s a doer. I am an under confident procrastinator.

Anyway, my point, and as always, I’m getting there.

My point is that I felt under confident but agreed to be chair.

How’s it going you ask?

Well, let me tell you. It feels like shouting out into the void and getting little back.

It started to make my blood boil.

Now, I want to caveat all of this by saying, the people in the PTA are all wonderful, they all have wonderful ideas and they are all doing their best.

The problem is, as is all our problem, we live in this speeded up world where we are running on a hamster wheel to survive.

We’re all thinking about the war in Iran, petrol prices, Donald trump, how to afford the weekly shop and oh fuck, the kids need new shoes AGAIN, how are we going to pay for that and then there’s that birthday party next week and that haircut booked for that day and the end of year football party on that Saturday, when, oh when, will we find the time to buy those new shoes.

It’s a lot.

We are all juggling so much. Life, work, partners, parents, children, friends, money, bills, housework, on and on it goes:

So, when Stephanie, chair of the PTA messages and asks for volunteers to help with the coffee morning, who has time for that?!

No one.

So. I don’t take it personally and I fully understand why I get little response.

However, this knowledge did not stop me from falling into feeling like a victim, because actually, am I not also juggling all those things, plus while I’m not actully employed, I am trying to build a business.

I’m laughing at myself as I write this because of course I fell into victim. I’m obviously working just as hard as everyone else but the woe is me story is that I’m actually working harder than everyone else, just ask my husband, he hears this story a lot, bless him.

Anyway, I’m currently in the middle of a course, woo woo incoming, and in this course, we were encouraged to ask God/the universe/higher power for help in these situations where we are spiralling.

What we say is.

God (insert what feels right here) please help me to see this differently, please help me to see a new perspective, I am open and willing to see this differently.

So, as I spiralled deeper into my victim, woe is me story, I stopped and I said this out loud, to myself, so not actually out loud, but I said it on repeat to myself.

God (Universe/Angels/Higher power) please help me to see this differently, I am open, ready and willing to see this situation differently.

Guess what happened.

First I got angry. Look at everyone looking outside (I include myself in this) wanting things to change, waiting for it to get easier, waiting for Donald trump to not be Donald trump anymore, waiting for the world to be kinder, people to change, the hamster wheel to slow down.

Waiting for something.

Waiting for something to change.

Waiting for people to start responding to my 10,000 messages in the PTA what’s app.

I know, it’s never going to happen, people are too busy.

I get it.

Here’s what I realised.

I have a choice.

I can choose to see this all in a negative way. I can choose to be pissed off. I can choose to feel alone and like there is no one to help (this isn’t a true thought, people do respond, maybe not as many as I’d like but there are a solid few who do).

I can choose to see this differently.

Here’s how I’m going to see it.

I am going to keep going. I am going to keep sending my messages and assuming that people want to hear from me. I am going to keep going until the PTA is the best PTA my school has ever seen, then I’m going to mic drop and pass the baton. This is sort of a joke although my children are growing fast so I won’t be there forever.

I’m going to keep shouting into the void because waiting for the outside to change won’t work.

The change starts with me.

I am lucky to be the chair of the PTA. I am lucky that my children go to such a lovely school, please pray that the joining of an academy doesn’t change this. I am lucky that I get to organise and be involved in these events that raise money for fun things for my children.

Like with my Substack. I so often want to give up because what’s the point, isn’t this just another example of me shouting into the void.

Is anyone even here. Why does everyone else say they grew to 1000 subscribers in a month and I have less than 100 after almost 2 years.

The point is.

I am not going to give up.

I am going to build this community. I am going to be the change I want to see.

I am not going to wait for the world to change. I am going to change.

I am going to be a woman who supports other women.

That’s not to say I’m going to be perfect and never make mistakes.

I am of course going to make mistakes. It’s likely I’m going to annoy people.

What I am going to do though is stop blaming others. Stop being a victim.

I get to choose.

I am lucky. I have three healthy children who drive me mad and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I get to show them what it is to support people, what it is to lift others up, what it is to keep going for your dreams even when you feel like giving up or you’re trying SO hard and getting nowhere.

I hope the message of this essay is clear.

I am not mad at anyone. I am not blaming anyone.

I see you. I see how hard you’re working. I see how hard you’re trying. I see how hard it is.

You’re doing great.

Let’s help each other.

Subscribe now

Let’s be the change we want to see rather than waiting for it to start with someone else.

You’re doing so well.

Let’s keep going.

I am here if you want to talk. Reach out, say hello, comment, book a 1-1. Whatever feels right for you!

P.S. I wrote this a while ago and since then I have actually stepped down as PTA chair.

I became the change I wanted to see.

I was happy and excited and motivated and then I hit a wall in the shape of a person who doesn’t want to change or choose. A person who believes things should be done their way and will do whatever they want to get things done their way.

The Stephanie from a few years ago would have continued as PTA and then bitched and moaned about what she saw and didn’t like.

The Stephanie of today no longer wants to stay in rooms or committes that feel uncomfortable.

While I want to be the change I want to see, I also no longer want to do things that I don’t want to do simply to make other people feel more comfortable or to keep the peace, or actually, to look good.

I am sure there is a much longer essay in here but the main point.

Be the change you want to see.

Don’t sacrifice your happiness and wellbeing.

If something doesn’t feel right, it’s ok to follow that feeling without worrying about what people will think of you.

Sending lots of love.

Why am I telling you this?

It’s tricky isn’t it? My first thought is, don’t tell anyone. People will just get the wrong idea. Think that you’re mentally unstable or even worse, looking for sympathy.

My reason for telling you is neither of those things, and possibly not for any of the other reasons you might be thinking.

I am telling you this because I want you to know you’re not alone.

I am a crier. I have always been a crier.

I was in fact nicknamed cry baby at school because I cried so much.

This is a shame that I have carried around with me for a long time.

Being vulnerable is one of the scariest things we can do.

Telling you that I cried for most of my hour and half coaching session feels vulnerable.

It is, however, the truth and I am tired.

I am tired of pretending all the time.

Twenty twenty six, is, for me, the year of stepping into myself and my truth.

I am a crier and honestly, I never don’t feel better after a good cry.

What never makes me feel better is pretending that I am fine when I am absolutely not fine.

Yet, for a long time this is what I did.

For a long time I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.

Not on a physical level, although after a while my inability to express my emotions or even allow myself to feel them did start to manifest physically.

After being bullied at school and called a cry baby, I stopped allowing myself to feel.

I started to eat instead, to feel safe, to stuff my emotions back down, to not feel.

Enter a life long battle (I don’t like the word battle but I guess it kind of is).

A life long battle with my weight and food.

This is absolutely a story for another day and something that I have been looking at and working on for a long time, hypnotherapy IS changing my life.

Anyway, the point is that I stopped allowing myself to feel and to express myself.

My feelings and emotions felt too much and it just feels embarrassing constantly being honest with people and openly crying when they are unable to do the same.

I am not saying there is any right or wrong way to be.

I am simply sharing that I felt too much in the face of other people telling me they were good, fine, ok.

I am often a lot of things at any one time but very rarely am I only ever good, fine or ok. I am a swirling host of many things at any one time.

2026 is the year I am embracing it all.

In my 20’s I never allowed myself to cry BUT I always cried when I was drunk.

I remember my friend pointing it out to me and being shocked.

I have so much to say on all of this and perhaps one day I will write that book I keep promising.

For today, I want you to know, you are not alone.

Crying for me is cathartic. It’s a release. I always feel better after.

In my family, my husband and children no longer say anything when I cry.

I once asked my husband about this. I said, why don’t you ask me what’s wrong. He said, I just assume you’ll tell me when you’re ready.

He’s right, I will and I do because bottling things up and keeping things to myself makes me ill.

When I was a nurse I could never understand why I always felt so unwell.

I suffered from headaches almost daily, severe migraines, gastric issues and general stress and exhaustion, possibly burnout.

At the time I had no understanding of stress or the effects of it.

I didn’t really allow myself to feel anything either. I drank a lot of wine and I ate a lot of food and I didn’t allow myself to stop or rest because in my mind EVERYONE else was doing just great and I was failing so I had to keep going to keep up with them and to seem like I was ok.

Looking back. I was not ok.

Why am I telling you all this?

Yesterday I spent an hour crying to my coach because I had lost my shit with my children the night before.

I had really shouted at them and I felt like I was failing.

At that moment I really believed that everyone else is doing a much better job at being a mother than I am.

Everyone else is unendingly kind and patient with their children and never shouts.

My coach promised me that’s not true and now that I am in a better state of mind I can see that she is right.

I am not a bad mother, I am not failing.

I am human and I am holding and doing a lot.

I am doing my best.

It is ok not to be perfect.

I was being so hard on myself despite preaching to others about being kind and compassionate to ourselves.

Today I am able to see myself through a much kinder lens.

I am sharing this because I don’t think I am alone with this.

I don’t think I am the only one who is pushing all my own thoughts, feelings, emotions and stresses down.

I don’t think I am the only one feeling like I am failing as a mother. I don’t think I am the only one who feels like everyone else has it together and I don’t.

I am here to remind you. You are not alone.

You are doing great.

You are safe and it’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling.

I honestly felt so much better after my session with my coach.

At the start I was certain that I would not feel better anytime soon.

All it took was one hour of talking in a safe, held and judgment free space.

I was able to be seen and completely honest and vulnerable.

I left the session feeling light and free.

Shame builds and grows in the dark.

The more we try to avoid feeling the less than perfect feelings, the more we try to suffocate and push down the emotions, thoughts and feelings that we deem wrong, the more they grow.

Seeing them, speaking them out and feeling the emotions we deem bad is hard.

It’s also completely worth it.

It’s where the magic happens and I know, from personal experience, that it’s where freedom lies, alongside being kind and talking gently to ourselves.

If this is bringing anything up for you. If you need a safe, held and judgement free space then please get in touch.

Remember, you are not alone.

You are doing so much better than you think you are.

You are so much more than you think you are.

I am sending so much love and I am here anytime.

Subscribe now

I am, if I’m honest, living my dream life.

Is it perfect?

No.

But is it all the things that I wanted for a long time?

Yes.

For as long as I can remember the three things I wanted in life were, a partner who I really liked, children, and to be a writer.

It is true.

I’m not a booker prize winner.

In fact, I haven’t even written a book, yet.

But.

I am here.

Writing.

Starting.

I haven’t shared much these past few months.

I’ve been doing lots of inner work behind the scenes.

Yes I’m sitting here in the sun living my dream life but, it’s taken a lot to get here.

Firstly I’m not as fit and healthy as I’d like to be.

I am however going to a weekly strength class, walking more consistently and body grooving more regularly.

I am also having acupuncture and really noticed how I eat when I’m sad, when I feel dysregulated and when I feel unsafe. Turns out, that’s quite often.

I am making small, long lasting changes.

I am learning to slow down.

I am learning to spot when I’m panicking and trying to make something happen due to fear.

Usually a fear of lack and a lack of self worth.

I am leaning that I don’t need to do everything RIGHT. THIS. MOMENT.

Right this moment I am safe and I can slow down and take my time.

I can take it step by step.

This all sounds great doesn’t it?!

It absolutely is in theory.

It’s taking a lot of presence and practice.

I actually believe that we can make anything happen with the 3 p’s.

Presence

Patience

Persistence.

Not always easy but definitely possible.

Plus, if I’m honest, what I’ve realised about myself and everyone else that I know.

We are all so much more capable than we believe.

I am still working through my very limiting but very subconsciously present belief that everything is possible for other people but not for me.

Realising that I held this belief was enlightening, then realising all the little way that it was holding me back was mind blowing. What’s the point in trying if you don’t even really believe that it’s possible for you? It’s only possible for others?!

You can tell yourself you’re putting in the work and effort but actually there are little ways in which you’re holding yourself back and/or not really putting 100% in!

What do you feel reading this?

Has something jumped out at you?

An ah ha moment? A realisation of some small way that you’re limiting yourself?

Tell me in the comments, or let’s have a 1-1 chat.

I love to chat and listen. I really love to hear how you are, like, really.

All this to say, I am back.

I am hoping to be more consistent with my sharing on here and growing my audience and who knows maybe I’ll finally start writing that book I’m always talking about.

Read more

I wrote this in the summer. I didn’t share it because I have been feeling too scared and vulnerable to share much.

Today I wrote for the first time in a while. The words just kept coming and while I want to share that with you I also want a little time to let it settle and to edit it.

So. Until then.

Here is something I felt deeply when I wrote it in summer.

I hope you enjoy it.

(Photo taken in summer as a reminder that blue skies and sun does exist and the light is slowly returning)

I am back.

I feel like I haven’t really had a moment to myself in over six weeks.

It has, in all honesty, been the best six week holiday that we have had.

I remember taking the children back to school on previous first days and listening to some Mum’s saying what a wonderful time they have had and wondering what I was doing wrong.

They were feeling sad that it was the first day of school while I was desperate to drop my children off and be on my way.

This is the first year where I felt something akin to saddness at leaving the children on that first day back after the holidays.

I want to point out, however, if someone had said, fooled you, school doesn’t start today, I would likely have broken down and cried.

To be clear.

We had lovely moments within the summer holidays, as we do every year.

We also had moments which felt incredibly hard and I questioned myself, my parenting skills and my life choices.

I have come to realise that this is life.

I have spent much of my life waiting for life to be steady.

I have been waiting to not feel all my emotions all of the time. I have been waiting for life to be calm and for me to float along feeling calm, content and serene.

I am still waiting.

I have realised that it probably isn’t life if I’m floating through it.

I am realising that life is messy and chaotic and we can be laughing one moment and crying the next.

Much like the summer holidays.

We can all be getting along, having a lovely time and the next moment someone has looked at someone in the wrong way and world war three has broken out in the back of the car and there is hitting and kicking and shouting and I am driving while wondering how to manage this, trying not to hyperventilate and crash the car.

Naturally within 10 minutes, all is forgotten and everyone is getting along again, while I try not to have my own full on meltdown because while the 8 and 6 year olds have forgotten, I am still not quite over the panic and hysteria.

As always. This was not what I came here to talk to you about.

I want to talk to you about living service.

While navigating the highs and lows of life and motherhood, not being able to use the bathroom alone and cutting up more slices of cucumber than I can count (seriously, how do children exist at school with just lunch, my children did not stop eating the whole holiday!), I was also lucky enough to find time to read a book, actually I read quite a lot of books this holiday on the days that I allowed my children to spend an inordinate amount of time on screens. I dare you to judge me!

Anyway, back to the book.

Living Service.

The journey of a prosperous coach, by Melissa Ford.

My group coaching group and I read the book and were then awed and inspired when Melissa Ford herself offered to join our group and discuss her book along with anything else we wanted to talk about.

I have taken many lessons from Melissa’s book and meeting her was incredible.

She is so calm, grounded, encouraging and the true embodiment of living service.

Now. Let’s talk about service.

I really believe and believed that I was someone who lived a life of service.

I was a nurse for 10 years. I am a Mother. Is there any greater service than giving your body, heart, mind, and well, everything, to another human, your children.

I am also a trained birth and death doula and a certified life coach.

I have been serving for years. YEARS!

Want to know what I realised though?

I was serving to some degree because I do genuinely care about people. I do genuinely love coaching and I am genuinely interested in what people have to say and how I can help them.

I am genuine in my desire to help.

Truly.

However, I think that there is a part of me that was always serving in the hopes of receiving something in return.

Now, it is a tricky balance and it doesn’t feel that easy to explain because for service to be service it has to be a two way relationship.

For example to be of service through coaching, I do need to be receiving money, that is how true service works.

But, to be genuine I want my mindset to be.

How can I serve?

What does this person need?

Not, what can I get from this person? What do I need?

I have been serving from the place of.

I need clients. I need money. I need them to see how good a coach I am. I need them to see the value in coaching. And most importantly. I need them to like me.

The truth is that as a coach, we are there to be of service, not, to be liked.

Sometimes as a coach it is our job to call someone out on their, for want of a better word, bullshit. We all have numerous reasons why we aren’t living the life we want.

My job as a coach is to cut through the stories that someone is telling me and themselves and find the underlying truth of it.

That’s service.

Truly listening and being there for someone.

Not being scared to offer help in case someone doesn’t want it. Not being scared to state the truth because it might upset someone and they might not like you anymore.

It’s a fine balance and it isn’t always easy.

I am taking small steps.

I am being braver with my clients, calling out their stories that are keeping them stuck.

I am actually also doing this with myself too.

I am offering help even when the voice in my head is making up a story about how they don’t want to hear from me or have a coach because if they did they would have got in touch already, or how I’m being a nuisance by offering help.

I am slowly, step by step, one day at a time, becoming braver and braver.

I am doing as Melissa suggested. I am assuming that everyone wants to hear from me and if they don’t respond it is simply because it is not the right time for them. It has nothing to do with me.

I am excited for the future.

I am not rushing, pushing or hustling.

I am simply showing up and hoping that I can be of service to someone.

I hope that these words are of some service to you today too.

Have a good one.

It’s been a while.

I’m still here.

Thank you for still being here too.

What a year this has been.

I can’t quite believe it’s the last day of 2025.

I don’t know how ready for 2026 I am.

If I’m being completely honest this year has flown by.

I truly feel like it was just Christmas 2024.

If I’m being completely honest, again, I have felt a little jaded by Christmas this year and I think it’s because it feels too soon.

The year has gone so fast, and I know I keep saying it, but it literally feels like we just celebrated. I wasn’t ready to celebrate again this year.

Did anyone else feel this or, just me?

Anyway, here we are.

The last day of 2025 and I was feeling a little blue.

It feels like my children grew up so much in the past 2 weeks.

I’ve just looked at my youngest daughter who is going to be 7 in 2026 and again, it feels like she was just born and my head can’t wrap itself around the fact that she is 6, very almost 7.

What’s the point of this little message to you?

I’m not really sure.

I wanted to say hi and remind you I’m here.

I wanted to explain a little about where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing and why I haven’t been posting as much, and instead what came out was a lot of lamenting at how fast life seems to be going.

This year has been a year of surrendering and shedding for me.

I haven’t been particularly active at creating new coaching clients.

I haven’t written as much as I would like.

I’ve been working through and letting go of old versions of myself.

I am no longer a single nurse working in the NHS.

I am no longer a stay at home Mum with very small children.

I’m a Mum, I’m a life coach, I’m a writer.

This year I’ve been working on accepting that and allowing myself to fully own it. Releasing the limiting beliefs that tell me I need to go out and get a “proper employed job”.

When I was a child I told my Dad I wanted to be a writer and that I wanted to do English and history at university.

His response was, no one makes money being a writer and what will you do with a degree in English and history?

Are you going to be a teacher?

I didn’t want to be a teacher.

So, I did what a lot of us do.

I packed away my dreams and I concentrated on getting a skill. I became a nurse because after all, there will always be work for nurses, they get good holidays and a good pension.

All very important in my parent’s eyes.

I want to be clear.

I don’t blame my parents at all.

They were always doing their best and what they thought was best for me.

Do I wish I’d been stronger and followed my dreams more.

Yes.

But again, I was doing my best with what I had available to me at the time, and that best, it was good enough.

Anyway.

This 2025 has been the year of the snake.

A year of shedding and that is very much what I feel I have been doing.

Shedding all the old limiting beliefs that I have and if I’m honest, wasn’t even aware were holding me back.

We don’t know til we know, you know?

I remember last year at this time, my Aunt had just died and everything felt unsettled.

I had high hopes and expectations for the year ahead while also feeling that I was stuck in the depths of winter and wasn’t quite ready to start making New Year’s resolutions or planning and taking action towards my dreams.

That feeling lasted for most of 2025.

Time was moving so fast but I was stuck somewhere in the depths of winter, deep in mud.

No matter what I did I didn’t feel I was getting anywhere.

Twenty twenty five is the year that I learnt how to rest, how to slow down and how to be patient.

Patience being something I have always struggled with.

Let’s be honest again.

I’m still learning how to rest, slow down and be patient.

Although I am definitely better at it than I was a year ago.

So, back to today and the point of this essay.

Whoever and wherever you are.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you for subscribing.

Twenty twenty six is the year I am going to step more fully into writing.

I am going to start sharing more consistently.

I am going to worry less about what people think.

I am going to trust my intuition and sink deeper into my body.

Logic is great and works for some people, for me, even when something makes logical sense, if it feels wrong intuitively and in my gut, my experience has shown me, it is wrong.

Twenty twenty six is the year I step even more fully into my authentic self.

My authentic self loves spending time with my family, cooking nourishing food for us all, who am I kidding, the kids rarely eat it, but I refuse to live on fish fingers and chips.

My authentic self loves reading and writing and dancing and especially walking in nature.

I am going to do more of all this in 2026.

Twenty twenty six is the year of joy.

The year of asking.

What’s the most loving thing to do?

What will bring me the most joy?

I am tired of living a life of logic and making sense to other people while slowly letting my dreams die inside.

This year I am going to live my life for myself and my family and do what makes sense to me on a gut level, even if it makes no sense to anyone else.

Twenty twenty six is the year I stop caring so much what other people think, she says, cautiously, aware this is an ongoing quest.

Tell me.

How has your 2025 been?

What are you doing in 2026?

Remember, there’s no right or wrong answer.

Just what’s true for you.

I want to hear it all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR beautiful people.

Thank you for being here.

Truly.

You can never know the joy I feel when I see someone has subscribed to read my words.

You’re literally making my dreams come true and I couldn’t be more grateful ❤️

I found this in my notes this morning.

Read more

How are you all?

It feels like it has been a while since I wrote.

At the start of the summer holidays I promised myself that when the children went back to school I was going to become much more regular with my writing here, and that I was going to work to grow my subscriber count.

As you can see, I have not done that.

As is often the case. I became stuck in my head.

Anyone else do this?

My thoughts became my truth and they spiralled and ran in a very fast and very continuous loop.

In fact, I am actually just in the middle of reading, don’t believe everything you think by Joseph Nguyen.

It’s helping a lot.

The premise.

We are human, we cannot stop our thoughts however, it is our thinking that is the real problem.

We can notice a thought and that’s fine, it’s our thinking about that thought that creates the problems.

Here’s an example.

My thought. I would like to increase the number of essays that I am sharing on Substack and increase my subscriber count.

What stopped me?

My thinking about that thought.

It said.

You won’t be able to do that.

What do you even have to write?

Who’s even going to want to read it?

You’re not good enough.

Everyone else knows what they are doing and you have no idea.

And on and on it went in a continuous loop.

Even when I notice it, it’s hard to stop it.

It’s hilarious in one respect, because I am a life coach.

Sit and talk to me for an hour and I’ll be able to see clearly the stories you’re telling yourself that are keeping you stuck.

However, as we all know.

It is much harder to see ourselves objectively, rationally and clearly.

What, then, am I going to do about it all?

Well, recently without really realising it, I’ve stopped my daily walks.

For so many reasons, but mainly because of my thinking and the stories I have been telling myself about them.

If you’ve been here a while you’ll know my thoughts.

Movement is medicine.

Nature heals.

A walk a day keeps the Dr away and Stephanie sane.

Maybe it’s self sabotage, or maybe it’s just allowing my thoughts to run away with themselves, maybe it’s both.

Whatever it is, I’ve stopped walking and I can FEEL it.

So. Now I’m aware of this.

I’m back.

A walk a day is my commitment to myself.

It’s tricky with commitments and consistency.

I can tend to be all or nothing, so if I don’t walk for one day I can then turn my thoughts and thinking into a whole story about myself, which then prevents me from walking again for a while.

I am not going to do that this time.

I am making a commitment to myself.

I am also going to be kind to myself.

Speak to myself like I would a friend.

So, one missed walk will be one missed walk. I will not make a big story up about what that means about me.

Or, maybe I will but I will aim to recognise it quicker.

I am going to do my best to walk once a day.

That’s it.

That’s all I am going to commit to for the time being.

Walking and kindness.

Now.

As you will know if you read my Substack regularly.

My dream is to write a book.

I keep getting confused about whether I want to write fiction or non fiction.

Obviously these essays are non fiction and I have been too scared to try writing fiction although I read fiction all the time.

In fact, as I write this, I wonder. Are you interested in an essay about some of my favourite fiction from this year?

Please let me know in the comments and I’ll write something and share.

Anyway, I am going to start playing with writing fiction.

I went to another author event in London last week.

What I hoped was that the authors, Lindsey Kelk, Kirsty Greenwood and Beth O’Leary would share a step by step guide on how to be a writer.

(Unfortunately the photo came out a bit blurry)

Sadly, they didn’t.

Want to know what I learnt though?

There is no secret. They are just as unsure and scared as I am. The only difference is that they did it anyway.

While in London I also went to see Lee Miller’s exhibition at the Tate Britain.

I enjoyed it a lot.

Want to know what I realised?

Lee Miller simply played with taking photos. She didn’t know what would work and what wouldn’t. What was on show was what worked but she got there by playing around. Playing with taking photographs.

That was a real lesson for me.

Play.

I am working on playing with words more.

I am also working on doing it anyway.

Those were my two greatest lessons last week.

First though.

A walk.

A walk, because a walk a day makes everything feel better.

I would absolutely love to hear from you.

Please like, comment or share anything that you think or feel from reading this.

Sending love.

I was sure that I would never meet anyone and I was also sure that I did not want to do motherhood alone. I know people who choose to have babies alone and I think they are amazing. I just knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do.

Anyway, if you have been here a while you will know that I did in fact become a Mother, and quite quickly.

I met my now husband in October/November of 2015.

We got together in January 2016. I gave birth to twins in March 2017.

It was everything that I had wanted.

I had also always wanted a third baby and after the birth of my twins, was quite sure it would never happen.

Then it did. A LOT faster than I ever could have imagined.

Just twenty two months later I gave birth to my third baby.

I had everything that I had ever wanted.

Did I relax and enjoy it?

No.

Of course not.

You see. The thing is. I gave up nursing in October 2016, not long after I had found out I was pregnant, and not long after that, that I was pregnant with twins.

I had thought I had my life planned out.

I was working at Body and Brain in London and I thought that I would continue to do that forever.

I wasn’t working at Body and Brain for the money, definitely not the money. I also wasn’t doing it for career status. I had given up my role as a Palliative Care Clinical Nurse Specialist and Yoga instructor/energy healer doesn’t have quite the same status as Nurse or clinical nurse specialist in our current society.

Why then, was I working at Body and Brain?

Well, Body and Brain is a guru led spiritual organisation whose mission is to heal the world.

A big and bold mission that gave me much needed meaning back in 2014 when I joined.

A mission I still think is a noble, valid and good one.

I know.

Why did I leave?

It’s too long a story and truthfully I’m not sure I’m ready to share it yet.

The thing is though, after leaving London in March 2018 and having my third child in 2019, I was feeling lost.

I had always always wanted to be a mother, the thing is…..

It was SO hard.

Why had no one told me how hard it would be?

I had hormones flying all over the place. I felt rage like I had never felt before. Rage I didn’t understand.

I was exhausted.

I was smiling on the outside.

I felt lonely and alone.

I had always wanted this, but yet I wasnt enjoying it at all as much as I thought I “should” be.

What was wrong with me?

At the same time we were also struggling financially.

My husband was working at Aldi. The shifts were brutal. 5am-2pm or 12pm-10pm.

I remember waking up at 4am to feed the baby and then having to stay up because my husband was off to work and the baby was awake along with the two toddlers.

The memory I can still recall vividly, is sitting on the floor of the front room changing the babies nappy in the cold, dark of the morning and then production lining it, moving onto the first toddlers nappy and then the second toddlers nappy as my husband walked out of the house for his 5am shift. My poor husband, I honestly acted as though he was off out for a party with his mates, rather than for a gruelling eight hour shift at the supermarket.

However, by 9am it felt like I had been awake for a week and done a full days work and it was actually ONLY 9am.

Looking back I dont know how I survived those days.

I have so much love and compassion for the Stephanie of those days who was so tired and anxious and scared all the time .

I didnt make it easy on myself though.

Trying to get two toddlers and a baby out was quite hard work. I often didn’t make it out. I was SO hard on myself. I beat myself up endlessly for it.

At every toddler group I went to it seemed like everyone was managing so much better than I was. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong but I was certain that I was doing something wrong.

It was when my baby was about three months old that I did my birth doula training. Then when she was two I did my death doula training, and the year she was four and had started school, I did my life coaching certification.

I couldn’t allow myself to be present and enjoy. I was constantly feeling that I had to be doing more, creating an income and proving my worth.

Simply being a Mum wasn’t enough.

Although, it was in fact, the one thing I had always known I wanted.

I wonder why that is?

Just this Sunday my Aunt asked me what I was doing now.

I told her the truth, or a version of it at least.

I have previously had quite a few coaching clients but they have all fallen away and I haven’t done much to create new ones. My heart hasn’t been in it.

What I told my Aunt was that I was focussing on being with the kids while Victor was happy to support me and because they are only young for a short period of time, I want to enjoy it.

This is the truth. There are a couple of other points though.

Firstly, I feel quite a deep shame to admit that I am focussing on being a Mum. It doesn’t feel enough!

I also perceive judgment from others, which may or may not be there. My sister in law has gone back to work full time. I know many other Mum’s who work full time and I know that to the outside world it looks like I “should” go back to work. We don’t own a house, we haven’t been abroad since 2018, and on and on it goes. As I perceive it, to the outside world, it makes no sense that I am holding onto being at home.

Secondly. I am desperate to be a present Mum and to enjoy my children as much as piossble. I want that to be enough. I think motherhood is the most under valued and under rated role that anyone can ever play. If I get this right my children will grow up happy and secure and emotionally stable, or as close to that as they can be in this world that we find ourselves in and with parents who are human and less than perfect, as we all are.

The thing is that I also really want to be a writer. I also really want to own a house and go out for nice meals (I love love love eating out). I want to be able to go on holiday and especially visit our family in Brazil who have yet to meet the baby, who is now six, in real life.

The other thing is that I am having to work through a lot of blocks and limiting beliefs I have about earning money from writing and if that’s possible fo me.

I am also having to work through the voice in my head that tells me it isn’t sensible and that I am selfish and stupid to follow my dreams.

To state clearly my current two dreams are.

Be a present Mum and be a writer.

You could say I am both.

I am currently at home with my children, on this, the third day of the summer holidays and I am writing.

The thing is. What is enough?

I am yet again doing what I did when my babies, all of them were born.

I am living through something that I always wanted while wishing for something more.

What more am I wishing for?

I wish for an income from my wiring.

I wish to be more present with my children.

Just this morning the overwhelm hit hard. It was very real.

The list of things I wanted to do was LONG.

I am currently sitting at my dining table. I can hear my children laughing in the next room as they watch TV. They have been on some form of screen all day.

Am I being present enough?

What is enough?

We have been out for the past two days. We are tired. We need a rest.

It is a continual battle. Maybe battle isn’t the right word.

It is a continual balancing act.

Being the mother that i want to be.

Grounded, calm, present.

I am often NOT those things.

While balancing my desire to be more than a mother.

A writer.

A successful one.

Alongside also being a wife and a friend.

Plus taking care of the house, filling in the endless consent forms from school, making endless snacks, dinners, washing and cleaning and, and, and, and.

On it goes.

It feels like this essay has been all over the place.

Let’s summarise my main points.

Whether you work or don’t work. Have children or don’t have children.

Your life choices are yours alone to make and they are all valid.

If you can, remember to look inside yourself and not outside at the perceived judgments of others.

My family may or may not be thinking the things that I think they are thinking. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is how I feel about myself and my choices.

I often imagine what 80 year old me will think.

Here’s what she would tell me today.

Quit your whining.

Enjoy your kids this holiday. If you need to put the TV on to write something, to find some space and calm inside of yourself, do it.

Look at where you were 10 years ago.

Enjoy where you are today and how far you’ve come.

Everything you want is going to happen but worrying about it wont change it.

Be kind.

Especially be kind to yourself.

You’re doing so much better than you think you are.

I am so proud of you.

NOTE.

I wrote this at the start of the summer holidays and it is now the first full week back at school.

Some things have changed since I wrote this, namely that I read a book called Living Service. The Journey of a Prosperous Coach. By Melissa Ford. I also met her.

The book and meeting has changed how I think and feel about coaching and I am currently in the middle of writing another essay to share that with you.

Lastly. Throughout the essay, when I have written “should” I have used quotation marks. This is because I am working on removing the should’s from my life.

I want to be sure that I am doing something because I want to do it, because it feels right, because I know it will benefit me or someone else.

I no longer want to be doing things because I think it’s what I “should” be doing. I “should” is usually me doing something because it’s what we do, or because I am worried about what other people will think or I don’t want to be perceived in a bad way etc etc.

I want to be sure that I am doing what feels good and is right for me.

I “should” be folding washing right now but writing this felt more important and is something I wanted to do, folding my washing is because it’s what we do and also because I want my Uncle to see me as a competent woman and house wife when he comes over later.

The question I asked myself is, why do I feel that way? Is it important? Does it really matter? Is it even true?

I hope you understand what I’m saying.

Please do contact me here or on any of my social media pages if you want to chat more about anything I have written or even if you simply want someone to sit, listen and truly hear and see you. Holding space for people is something I am passionate about and I truly believe it is something that we all need.

Have a very happy Wednesday.

My first memory is of being four or five and in reception. I was standing next to my teacher at her desk and she had a book in front of her. She asked me what the word was.

I had NO idea.

I kept looking and she kept pointing at the word and then at the picture on the page as though that should give me a clue.

It didn’t.

I continued to have no idea.

Eventually she told me the word was Red.

Of course it was obvious to her, there was a red apple on the page and some other red thing.

It was not obvious to four year old me.

What was obvious to little me was that I was incredibly stupid for not knowing that answer.

It felt like the whole class was watching and shaking their heads at my stupidity and that the teacher was completely exasperated at having to spend time with such an imbecile.

As an adult I remembered this interaction and didnt think too much of it.

However, about three years ago I had some EMDR therapy with my friend who was training as a therapist at the time.

I hadn’t realised how much that interaction had been running on repeat in my subconscious.

I was still that little girl convinced that everyone was talking about her, that she was stupid beyond belief and not nearly as clever as everyone else in the room.

Of course, objectively, as an adult we know that those beliefs are not the truth.

We even know logically that our memories can be incorrect.

How we remember something is not how it happened.

That doesn’t stop it from running the show though and until we become aware of it, and then aware of how it has been running the show, we are actually at the mercy of our subconscious. We are backseat drivers in our own lives.

Only with awareness and action can we become the drivers of our lives.

As always I have found myself off on a tangent but I do believe it is relevant.

Since my EMDR, which I would highly highly recommend and can even recommend my friend if you are interested, that memory has not been running in the background of my consciousness and I no longer feel anything in my body or emotions when I think about it.

Do you have a memory that still makes you want to curl up and die when you think about it?

How else is this past memory affecting your everyday life?

It isn’t easy but I really think this is the key to unlocking and living the life of your wildest dreams.

You don't know what’s holding you back until you know.

Recently, and I mean recently, like, this week. I realised that a memory or rather memories from my childhood have been affecting all parts of my life, in particular my love and joy of reading.

When I was young. I want to say around ten to thirteen, someone very close to me made fun of the types of books I liked.

They read point horror’s, not my cup of tea at all. My mind can already scare me, I don't need books and stories to do the same.

I like to be taken out of my own mind.

I read books like the babysitters club, point romance, sweet valley high and a series called couples. I’ve tried to find them as an adult and haven’t been able to.

I remember I was reading a couples book when this person and their friend made fun of me, again, I can’t remember exactly what was said but I got the feeling, you’re silly, these books are ridiculous, you’re not good enough and what we choose to read is much better.

I realise now as an adult that that has always tainted what I read and who I share what I’m reading with.

For a lot of my twenties I tried to read Pulitzer Prize winners and literary books.

Want to know what I have been loving this year?

Laurie Gilmore’s, Dream Harbour series, Elsie Silver’s, Chestnut Springs series, Sarah J Maas’s A Court of Thorn’s and Roses series and Liz Tomforde's Windy City series, to name just a few.

Pure joy and escapism.

Will these books win any literary awards, I don’t know, maybe not but, are they fun to read? Yes. 100% yes.

Isn’t that what reading is supposed to be?

Fun. Escapism.

Yes.

Also, for anyone who disses these books.

Can you write a book that flows, is easy to read and takes the reader to another place?

I’ll be honest. It’s my dream to do that, but I don't know if I can do it.

What is the point of this little essay?

I have two.

One. If something feels impossible, dig a little deeper, what niggly little memory is holding you back?

That one little comment that someone made that has stayed with you, which you know isn’t true but maybe, just maybe, it’s had a deeper impact than you think.

Can you dig a little deeper and move through it?

Talk it through with a therapist or a trusted friend. Journal on it. Write it all out, as many times as you need to.

I promise. There is magic on the other side.

Two. What books do you love to read?

Not which ones make you look good or you think you should be reading.

What books bring you pure joy and escapism?

Go now. Pick one up and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

Read more

Read more

Penn Cole is the author of three books of a Romantasy which I found this year.

The book titles are

Spark of the Everflame

Glow of the Everflame

Heat of the Everflame.

The eagerly anticipated fourth book, Burn of the Everflame. is due early next year.

I think it was due this year, 2025 but has been pushed back and I cannot wait for it.

I can completely understand why the release date might have been pushed back though.

I will tell you my thoughts on that a little later.

Let me start by telling you what I love about these books, why I travelled the two and a half hours to Nottingham to meet Penn Cole and what I learned, discovered and enjoyed during my trip and meeting the author herself.

Firstly, romatasy is a genre that I am quite new to reading and if you had told me a few years ago that I would love it, I don’t know that I would have believed you.

Do you know, its funny, I was about to tell you why I didn’t think that I would like romantasy and that I haven’t read much of it. I realise now though, that actually I have read more of it than I realise and that I have loved it all.

Here’s what I read prior to this year and had forgotten about.

Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. Obviously, I was addicted. I can’t tell you how many times I have watched the films, and yes, I also had a massive crush on Robert Pattinson and wished that I lived in Forks.

J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter. I was well into my twenties when I read these books.I vividly remember the flat I was living in in Stratford, London. I was working on a Neonatal Intensive Care unit at the time, my least favourite job ever. I lasted nine months before moving back to adults and Haematology and Bone Marrow Transplant. I remember reading the Harry Potter books while working terrible shift patterns which included, but were not limited to, night, night off, long day, night, night, night off, night off, long day, long day. On and on it went. I leave that in for any fellow nurses or shift workers who will surely understand the hideousness of such shifts and shift patterns. I vividly remember reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix before a night shift and loving it so much that I didn’t want to put it down. I remember thinking it was my favourite in the series although I can’t actually remember what happens in it now. I have never reread them and shockingly, I have never watched all the films, only the first two.

Anyway, after that was Lauren Oliver’s Delierium series which I could not get enough of. I couldn’t read it fast enough. I was so hooked that I remember downloading and devouring the novellas on my kindle. In fact I still have all the novellas saved on my kindle app although, possibly more shockingly than never having watched the Harry Potter films, I no longer have a kindle or read from my kindle app.

I have been wondering if I need to re-invest in a kindle given that my reading has increased drastically this year. I am still undecided. Despite the cost and the fact that I am running out of shelf space, I love physical books.

There was quite a long break of all fiction reading somewhere in there but then back in 2018, I remember because I borrowed these books off a friend and took them to Brazil on holiday with me.

There was Erika Johansen’s Queen of the Tearling trilogy.

I remember really really enjoying these books. I think I was happy to be reading something a little bit different and it was a really interesting premise.

I have since had a little look on Book Tok and this series does get quite a bit of negativity. The ending wasn’t quite as satisfying as I would have liked but I also understood it in another sense. If you like a happy ending where the couple get together then I guess it might be disappointing.

Anyway, it turns out I’m not as new to fantasy as I thought I was, but also, I haven’t been a huge reader of it.

This year my romantasy journey began with Rebecca Yarros’ Fourth Wing, Iron Flame and Onyx Storm. I loved them and Fourth Wing drew me in from the first page.

I then moved onto Sarah J Maas’s A Court of Thorn’s and Roses (ACOTAR), it is true what everyone says, while ACOTAR is by no means a bad book, you do have to get through the first one for the very best book of the series, in my opinion, A Court of Mist and Fury.

I took a little break from romantasay after the ACOTAR series, reading romance and historical fiction but then found myself wanting another fantasy but not sure that I could face Sarah J Maas’s, Throne of Glass, despite the absolute feral love for it on Book Tok.

With a whopping eight books in the series and none under 400 pages and many over 500 pages, it is quite a commitment, which I did actually start in June, so I’ll tell you more about it once I finish. I am currently on book four.

I am very much a mood reader and after a lot of contemporary romances found myself looking at lots of fantasy books before settling on Penn Cole’s, Spark of the Everflame.

I was sold from the dedication on the first page.

”For anyone who has ever been told their spark shouldn’t burn so bright and for all the people who loved them precisely because it did”

Somehow it felt like that dedication was written just for me, which I told Penn Cole when I met her. She replied that while the dedication was written to reflect where the main female character was, it was also a reflection of where she was at the time too.

There are so many good things about these books but the dedications to all of them remain some of my favourite parts.

Glow of the Everflame is.

”For every spark that has lost its light and needs a little help remembering to glow”

Heat of the Everflame is.

“For all those caught in the flames, remember that the hottest fires forge the strongest swords”

I’m not going to tell you too much about what happens in the books, you can read the blurbs for that.

I am going to tell you why I love them though.

The books are set in a fantasy world, there is magic and there are dragons.

There are also different kingdoms with lots of different magic systems.

It sounds complicated but it isn’t.

The books are easy to read and the world building and magic system are so well written and so easy to follow, which is, in my opinion, a true testament to Penn Cole’s amazing writing ability.

What I love, and this is deeply simplifying it, is that the world is so relatable. Of course most fantasy books tend to have a political landscape that if stripped of its magic and fantasy elements could be compared to the very real and very messed up world that we live in.

It always surprises me how easy it is in books, especially fantasy books, to see what the right and wrong is.

It’s easy to see where it all went wrong and how it could so easily be fixed, it can often be blamed on the tyrannical ruler and the “bad” people and their poor decisions.

Of course, back in the real world it is all so much more nuanced and hard to see, the answers not so easy to find.

Diem, the main female character, is idealistic and, according to some, an unrealistic believer in a better world where everyone is treated equally.

I have read reviews that have called Diem annoying.

I did not find her annoying. I found her deeply relatable.

Maybe that makes me annoying too. I don't know and I don’t care.

We have to believe in miracles for them to be possible and I believe in miracles.

I also think that seeing these negative reviews is possibly what makes writing subsequent books of the series harder. Penn herself said that as she was writing she could hear the negative comments, like, Diem is so annoying, in her head as she wrote. I am sure this is what has pushed the release date back and I have so much more I could say about this but won’t right now.

What I will share is that I listened to Daisy Buchanan’s podcast, You’re booked with Marian Keyes and Marian Keyes said that if you don’t have anything nice to say about something that someone has created and shared with the world then don’t say anything. I agree.

I am still working through all my fears and blocks around writing and sharing my writing. I am in complete awe of anyone who is courageous enough to write and share their creations. They are effectively sharing their hearts and souls and whether we like or not is a personal choice and no reflection of their art and gift.

Ok. Back to Diem.

What I also loved and related to a LOT was the way that Diem found it hard to trust in herself, her decisions and ultimately her destiny.

I think we all do this dont we.

We all have an inner calling. An inner voice. An inner knowing.

We all know the type of person we want to be and often what we want to do.

We often fight and deny and run away from this calling.

Often because we are terrified, don't think we’re good enough, and don’t think that we can do it.

Much like Diem except in a world without magic and dragons.

“For anyone who has ever been told that their spark shouldn’t burn so bright and for all the people who loved them anyway”

Want to know what I think about when I read this? How this makes me feel?

I think about my Dad telling me that writers can't and don't make money.

I think about how I was told I need to think about getting a safe and secure job with good holidays and a good pension.

I think about how I did that. About how I shut down and denied the part of myself that wanted to be a writer and change the world with my words.

I think about how terrifying it is now to write and to share my words.

I think about whether I am doing the “right” thing or not and if I should ignore this calling and do the sensible thing like get an employed job.

I think about how this is not life or death and no one is asking me to be Queen and save the world or make huge life and death choices and sacrifice my loved ones.

I think about whether or not I would and will ever be brave enough to be the hero female main character of my own life.

The answer is yet to be decided.

Rest assured though, whether you think Diem is annoying or not, she does do the hard things, she makes the tough choices and as always, as a reader, it is easy to see the whole picture and to think we know where it is all going wrong and what we would do differently.

Naturally, in real life, in real life, its all so much harder and messier.

Plus, without the gift of wielding shadows, mind reading, healing wounds and riding dragons, it's all a little bit duller too.

Thank goodness then, for these courageous writers who bravely put words onto paper, and out into the world, creating worlds for us all to visit, and, ultimately, learn from.

Thank you Penn Cole for being so brave and so friendly and inspiring when I met you.

It sounds so simple.

I completely agree with them.

We should do what we love.

I think the problem is that often we don’t know what we love.

We’ve been brought up by people, with the best of intentions, and in a society that tells us what is expected of us.

What we “should” do and what we “should” want.

When we’re at school there often isn’t space to think about what we love.

We have to learn how to read and then how to add and subtract and ultimately how to pass exams.

If we don’t enjoy school we’re told to shut up and get on with it because we have to attend by law and it’s just something we have to do.

We need to go to school, get a good education, pass exams, preferably well, so that we can go on and get a good job, a big house, a nice car, not forgetting that we should be going on nice holidays at least once or hopefully a couple of times a year.

This is all fine.

The thing is.

I don’t know how many people know or believe that there are other options.

We’re stuck in a loop.

We have to work to pay for our mortgages and our kids after school clubs that they must be in because you certainly don’t want to be seen as the parent not keeping up, so we have to keep working to keep paying, to keep keeping up.

There’s no time to stop and think.

Is this what I want? Am I enjoying this?

In 2016 I gave up a well paying, band 7 nursing role to become a work for minimum, or if we’re honest, less than minimum wage job at a yoga and qi gong centre in London.

This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My identity was so attached to my job title. Nurse.

The first time I had to write yoga instructor and since then, when I’ve written, stay at home Mum, on any form, I have felt a low level of embarrassment. I can feel myself wanting to say. I have a degree. I was a nurse. I am more.

Logically, I know, none of it matters. Our level of education, our job title, the houses we own.

None of it matters.

I’ve seen people at their worst.

At the start of my nursing career I remember nursing a woman who was having a bone marrow transplant for a blood cancer that was slow growing and well controlled. The worry was that it would transform and once it transformed it would be a more aggressive, faster growing cancer, making it much harder to treat.

The plan was to cure it with a full bone marrow transplant while it was still slow growing and well controlled.

The lady had just retired. She was a Mother of 4 and told me that she and her husband had worked their whole lives, waiting for retirement and their children to be grown, so they could go off travelling the world together.

The idea of this essay is not to depress you, I promise, but basically, that lady developed graft vs host disease of the bowel. Graft vs host disease is not pretty or pleasant and she sadly died.

I remember vividly thinking. Fuck that, I’m not waiting for retirement. I’m living now.

This has been both good and bad in equal measure.

I possibly could have done a little less living and building up of debt, however, it has also led me on a huge growth and spiritual path, one which I will forever be thankful for.

While this lady has always stayed with me, she is not the catalyst that led to me leaving nursing.

My Dad dying suddenly in 2009 has also stayed with me and was the start of my spiritual journey, growth and change. The biggest catalyst was discovering body and Brian in 2014.

Feeling energy for the first time changed everything for me. It felt like coming home. It felt like the answer to the question I had been searching for, all while not knowing what the actual question was.

It was through finding body and brain that I gained the strength, courage and bravery to leave nursing.

I realised I was more than my name, age, sex, place of birth, job title etc etc.

Realising this was both terrifying and incredibly freeing.

The fear of change is, I believe, within us all, we really want to believe that we’re in control. That we can predict and control things. We can’t but we really like to think we can.

So, while I felt the fear, lots of it, it also allowed me to take a step back, it allowed me to step away from all the things I thought I was, all the boxes I had pushed and squeezed myself into.

It allowed me to be brave and to truly start to think about and feel into who I really was, what I really wanted, and what I truly loved.

It’s an ongoing journey and most days I’m still not sure. I don’t know if I ever will be.

But today, instead of trying to fit myself into another box I’m stepping into my authenticity, my truth, away from what I was told and what the outside noise tells me.

It’s not easy but it is worth it.

It takes patience, persistence, presence, trust and an openness to learning everyday.

I don't think that I am special and that this is only available to me. I think that this is possible for absolutely everyone.

I would actively invite and encourage everyone to start this journey into discovering who they truly are and what they truly want, stripping away all the outside noise and conditioning we have received from our parents, school and society.

I do, however, believe that many won’t start this journey, simply because it is, if I’m being very honest, easier not to.

Once you start to uncover and discover, it can be challenging, to say the least, and it can be painful.

We can never go back to not seeing and that takes courage.

We all have it within us, some of us simply don’t wish to change.

We might moan about all the things but then choose not to take the actual action to change them. It’s easier and safer that way. That’s also completely fine and acceptable. I also did that for years.

Wherever you are. You are exactly where you are meant to be.

I send you love today, wherever you are.

If you need help or support in any way then I encourage you to reach out.

I am always always happy to talk and offer support in any way that I can.

Read more

By the time I hit thirty, I was almost sure that I would be alone and child free forever. My desire not to have children in my early twenties had slowly morphed into me desperately wanting children. I first started to notice the change in the year or two following my Dad’s death.

Anyway, the point is, always, I am getting there. I promise.

At thirty it felt like everywhere I looked everyone I knew was married, getting married, having babies or had babies and I was jealous.

I wanted that too, while also wondering, if it was perhaps only possible for everyone else and not for me.

I remember when I was still at school, I watched a meat loaf documentary and Michael Aday shared that he had met and married his first wife within 3 days of meeting, they were still married at least 15 years later.

Since then I had always thought that I wanted to meet someone and just know. I didn’t want to go through the weeks and months of awkward dating and getting to know someone. That didn’t seem much fun to me. It also didn’t feel possible to meet someone and just know. Surely that only happened in story books and to people like meat loaf.

I decided I was silly for thinking that was possible and that I should do what everyone else was doing. Try to meet someone when out drinking with my friends or through internet dating. I did also wonder if a Grey’s Anatomy style love affair was possible. I was a nurse at that time and I can honestly say that I have never once kissed anyone in a lift in any hospital and I don't know anyone else who has either.

If you have, please let me know, I’d love to hear that story!

Anyway, I digress.

I was, for want of a better word, desperate. Desperate to meet someone, desperate to settle down and desperate to have a baby. It was all that I thought about, obsessed about and worried about. Everyone else seemed to be doing ok meeting people on nights out and on the internet, why wasn't it happening for me?

I had had so many first dates, which, while there was nothing wrong with any of them, bar one, (definitely a story for another day) there was nothing that right about them either. Eventually I gave up and decided it wasn’t going to happen for me.

By this point my life had started to change. I had read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and found a South Korean practice where I felt energy in my palms for the first time, which was changing my mindset and therefore my life. Was it a cult? That’s another story for another day too.

I decided I was done. I was no longer going to be desperate and chase. I was going to be happy in the now and if I never met anyone or had my longed for baby, I was also going to be ok. After all, I had Stanley, my cat now and my spiritual practice and for the first time I felt ok on my own.

Of course, it was then, two months after an amazing meditation tour to South Korea, where I had overcome so much fear and fully lean into trusting myself and not what other people, specifically my Mum, was telling me, that I met my now husband.

I went to South Korea in October 2015. I then met my now husband in November 2015. I was living with him and pregnant with twins by the following October, 2016.

My point is. A lot, lot, lot has happened since then but today I realised that I am in a very different but very similar place right now.

Since 2021, possibly earlier but for the purposes of this essay, since 2020 I have been trying to manifest buying a house. We are nowhere close, we rent, we do not have a deposit.

Today, I learned that someone close to me is selling and putting an offer in on a much nicer and bigger house. My first thought again was, perhaps this is possible for other people, but not for me. This person has a stable and steady job, a partner who has the same, a child, a nice car, they are flying abroad for an all inclusive holiday in the sun. I haven’t flown since 2018, or had a real holiday in much longer. What am I doing wrong?

As I was thinking this I remembered where I was 10 years ago.

Let me tell you what I am doing.

I am supporting my husband in running his own business.

I am currently at home with my poorly eight year old.

I am writing and coaching and growing my coaching business and substack.

I am also doing so, so, so, much inner work to overcome all the limiting beliefs I have that tell me that I need to go out and get an employed, paid job and stop messing around trying to be a coach and a writer.

What I am remembering is that deep down, despite what I was told as I was growing up, despite my conditioning from school and society, despite what I see most people around me, (not all) doing.

I believe a life of joy is possible.

I believe that I can do work that I love.

I believe I can enjoy trips abroad and away but that I do not need to be rushing through my days desperate for the weekend and holidays.

I believe something more is possible, and I am going to keep believing that that is possible.

What I am remembering is that when I let go and enjoy where I am instead of worrying and obsessing about HOW or IF I am going to make, what can often feel impossible, possible. I get to enjoy my life.

What’s that famous saying?

The worry of tomorrow only takes away from the joy of today.

Will the life of my dreams happen?

I honestly don't know.

None of us knows what will happen tomorrow.

Do I believe that it will happen though?

Yes.

Yes I really do.

Want to know what solidifies that belief even more?

Remembering that ten years ago I was also doubting.

Ten years ago I was also wondering if it was possible to one day meet someone who I fell hard and fast for and I didn’t know if I would have a baby.

But today, right now, I’m living the dream of Stephanie from 10 years ago.

A husband I really love and not just one but THREE babies who are now not actually babies and are growing far too fast, but that’s another story for another day.

This has all led me to believe in the power of the 3 P’s.

Presence. The only moment we have is this one. We cannot change the past and worrying about the future robs us of the joy of today.

Persistence. I won’t fail because I won’t give up.

Patience. I notoriously want everything yesterday. My husband is the patient one in our family but I am learning that patience is necessary. Things take as long as they take and the best we can do is enjoy the wait by being present.

”Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace” Randy Armstrong.