a light dispatch from a leo at the peak of my season <3

Light dancing on water being beautiful is not a new concept - but while on vacation this past week I had so much available unstructured time to really be with it.

Honestly, I almost envy the ease of it. And I am completely obsessed and infatuated by the color palette, gd! Specifically the way the light moves so gently along the tendrils of the seaweeds - I want the dopamine in my body to try to emulate this softness and move through my body only in this way for the rest of time. (shhh I know there are meds for this but I am still living some manic pixie dream girl dream of not using them.) I do recall loving those kira-kira filters on instagram but there was something so unnatural about it, using them never stuck for me.

I had easy proximity to this medicine while at the beach - I am realizing the hardest thing, for me, about where I live is being so far away from the ocean. Sure I could go drive my car down to the Hudson River and sit there with the light and sometimes I do but certainly I don’t do it enough and being immersed in real life (as opposed to vacation) and the never-ending list of to-do’s often makes me forget that I am a sovereign being who CAN just go sit and do nothing and look at the expansive water.

The light on the water; something about the unpredictability of it is so soft, it feels like the magic medicine for a nervous system in need of a reset. I feel like I recently saw some meme on instagram talking about why deep conversations happen around a fire - something about the soft unpredictability of the flames is so good for gently opening our neural pathways - this is information, not data LOL so don’t quote me on it but it really does make sense to me. A very nice way to care for our dopamine receptors, considering they are chemical messengers for our bodies.

Why am I so often writing about my nervous system needing x y or z!!! Is it because I am a person with CPTSD or is it because I am a millennial living here on earth in the year of our lordt 2026?!!!!

I wish I could fucking wash some of your brains with this. Those of you who need a reset. I certainly did. While this summer break from school has certainly been relaxing and I excitedly entered my 39th year living on this planet, I am currently (surprise) sitting with some big life questions and I know that never really goes away but for a moment in time I am offered reprieve in the light dancing on the water. This is also a moment of me maybe asking for accountability from ya’ll - next time you see me ask when was the last time I went and watched the light dance on the water!

Sometimes it is true that I find myself too deep in rumination’s about life to sit and be present while watching a film or even hanging out with my friends, family, and my partner. Meaning-making is truly exhausting and getting lost in a natural visual occurrence seems to be one of the only things that actually does the trick for me. Having a long distance view and some god damn fractals can do a lot for a gal. Somatic practices of course help with this also - exercise, my both-hand drawing and painting, moving my body until I feel differently, etc. If you’re not aware of the passage from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran about joy and sorrow (aka light and dark) equally existing then I suggest you go find it on page 32.

Looking for light is something I have been doing for so long. I remember as a small child being put in the car and driven around to be lulled to sleep and looking at the moon and feeling like she was following me, brightly in the sky after the sun had left.

Painting light into hair has been a very productive practice for me all of these years - especially as a leo, ruled by the sun - it feels like a birthright. To be a shiny person emitting light while balancing the sometimes dark rumination’s of life is a wild experience. I do feel like constructing light is a huge part of my life’s purpose - finding it through my work as a hairdresser and continuing the work in my burgeoning career as a sculptor (lol hopefully) is something that I am currently taking very seriously. Maybe I am also realizing that managing light is what my paintings have always been in pursuit of. I hope to share more of my old work here really soon as I prep to present it in the fall for one of my classes.

When I think about these videos as simple as they are I want to project them into a room so big where there’s soft beds and blankets and some sort of integration aftercare room after you’re done getting light washed.

Is this an installation I will do one day? Has someone done it? Does that even matter when it comes to ephemeral spaces and experiences - light is meant to move and change and go away - so it doesn’t really matter if it has existed before because it will never exist exactly the same twice and that is what makes it so compelling - light, in it’s nature - cannot be controlled. We can figure out what we need to be in right relationship (for us) to it - installing blinds and curtains in our house, wearing SPF, only going out at night ;) … but we cannot stop it from finding us eventually.

If light is what we need to photosynthesize as natural beings - when we provide light for each other, clearly we are helping one another grow in whatever direction we are medicinally providing in the mirrors that are our interpersonal relationships.

Could I make a longer better narrated version of this video? Absolutely- will I? That’s a great question. Probably not but maybe so. I have been really trying to practice non urgency but sometimes I just have to get something out otherwise it’s always trapped inside of me and honestly for me I have had to find the balance and the moments for “done is better than perfect” (3/5 human design splenic projector here!) and right now this feels like that - hmmm it is occurring to me now in this moment - this is what commissioned projects are for - maybe I should pay myself to work on this. Maybe I just simply narrate this missive alongside a film version of it! Maybe you or someone you know commissions me to work on this! LMKKKKKKKK <3 Truly I am feeling so grateful that I took Extended Media and learned to manipulate media in this way last semester at school.

I truly hope everyone is managing their relationship to light in the way that suits them in this season. If you need more - I hope you can go out and get it, if you need less I hope you can put the blinds down and feel calm in the dim or the dark. I pray that everyone is in their own perfect balanced experience of joy and sorrow, light and dark, whatever that looks like for you.

big big love. Laura aka LKRD

instead - i want to offer up the questions that i was left with for myself, after spending 10 hours filming myself as an influencer-wannabe-youtube-blogger - (inspired by a mash-up of Cindy Sherman’s self-portraits of clowns and societal figures.) And then the 10 ish hours i spent editing the project; staring at this weird version of myself i had created was so fucking exhausting and natural at the same time (don’t worry me and Mary have talked about this extensively)

i also explicitly need to say - i am so proud of this film not because of my “performance art” in it, but because i fucking learned a new skill - and it shows! I totally learned how to edit videos in the adobe suite program Premiere and it was really hard and i had to be really patient and that was cool!!!!

here is the film. its a little more than 5 minutes long. it is inspired by all of the girls that i am not, and i have so much love and empathy for them, even though it was really hard for me to have love and empathy for myself while in the process of making this.

im not sure if it was enmeshment or character acting or whatever you wanna call it, but working on this project really struck a chord with all of the non-physical parts of myself that I am still unsure of on a regular basis. idk if anyone can relate to this; idk if this will make me sound like an asshole - but i am very much at a point in my life where i am happy (generally) with what i look like. probably because my mother gave me other wrong-ideations - but this is basically to say - what i look like is the least of my concerns. sure i love to get dressed (if you know me you know this!) but the things that i am surely insecure about are the things that people cannot see. what am i doing with my life? do people like my art? will i be famous? will my non-401k-having-ass actually still have to do hair into my 80s???? these are not the questions that this project left me with - these are the things in my world that go bump in the night… but the real questions that popped up for me are as follows:

how am i performing on a daily basis? who am i performing with? has using the alias/DBA Roxie Darling actually been a performance this whole time? (I think so!)

am i performing for my teachers? my boyfriend? my friends?

am i fucking being myself?

who am i and what do i really want to say, who do i want to be, how do i want people to receive me?

when do i get to stop performing?

who taught me to perform? okay maybe it was my mom but who taught her? and who taught that woman? and who taught that woman? which men back in the bloodline are to blame for the inherited performance that runs through the women in my families????

am i performing for my hair clients because i am significantly burnt out in my career?

where are the places that dont feel like a stage - who are the friends and family members that are safe for me to be myself?

don’t even get me started on all of the leo tropes of wanting to be center stage etc etc etc!!!

why am i just realizing at the age of almost 39 (end of this month yall!) that i truly feel like most of my life has been some sort of performance; an effort to be loved, not to be disappointing -

i could see how this all could sound really dramatic. ultimately i do not feel like i need to perform around my partner (i think for the frist time in my life!) i do not feel like i need to perform around my brother and his family. i do not feel i need to perform at school. i do not feel like i need to perform around my friends that i spend time with either in person or on the phone (yanno these days everyone is so spread out jfc)

i also think it is some extremely fucked rite of passage to grow from constant performance to true all the time all around authenticity for people who live with CPTSD (myself included)

while i may not be performing in my most intimate containers - why was i ever performing in others and is it actually that hard to stop performing? it turns out its not - this is something that I have been learning mostly this year as i have done some deep self-work around living authentically and what that looks like and means for me.

when my peers in my class watched this, afterwards in our critique, most of them talked about how bad they felt laughing at this character in the classroom setting as voyeurs - because they knew if they saw her in real life, they would never laugh in her face. they told me that i did a great job at developing empathy for the performing character, and then there were comments about how theres essentially a little bit of this girl in all of us.

living in a constant state of self-surveillance as a woman or a queer is really not for the faint of heart, and that labor goes terribly unseen I would say 100% of the time. it is my understanding that gen z is hyper-self-surveilling - i hate this for them.

my final question how do we undo the tightly bound braid of self surveillance, performance, and manipulation that we have created as a society? what does more permission and unconditional acceptance look like in each one of our households, our work places, our relationships? where are we still performing? would it no longer be safe to do so?

so yah - big questions.

it is absolutely riveting to be alive on this earth having this human experience where i get to ask them, and live in pursuit of answering them.

okay that is all for now. thanks for reading, thanks for witnessing me, as always <333

ps i opened my books for human design readings in july and august if you are looking for help taking the lead in your life. we can sort through what is authentic for you, and what is potentially a performance! if you would like to :) you can look at the various offerings and the calender here!

here we go again - i am trying (mentally so fucking hard) to launch a new thing - and my imposter syndrome is making itself really known, as usual (imposter syndrome or intrusive thoughts? whos to know the difference these days?)

All I wanna do is start offering Human Design Readings for everyone and their businesses and what is so fucking hard about that? actually, when i read through my personal human design chart - all signs are pointing to me doing this work… so why the fucking internal struggle???????

lmao why can i not post about it on my instagram grid that feels permanent but can endlessly talk into my ephemeral instagram stories???

wellp -

a few backstories - firstly, i found out about human design 10 years ago and honestly it completely changed my life. I thought about doing the reader training back in 2018 and didn’t, because i really thought for some reason that i shouldn’t. then, when i broke my leg 2 years ago i wanted to do it then - and again, i didn’t. finally, last summer i was following along with a teacher who was about to launch a training - and then when i found out the time/money/energetic commitment i was actually devastated i couldn’t do it - and then the right training came along last year when i was scrolling the internet procrastinating on moving day, right at the end of the last libra eclipse transiting my second house of self-worth where my natal south node is, in fall 2024. i decided right then and there to do it. added to cart and checked out, and then went and picked up a uhaul box truck.

secondly, last summer, I had this feeling all season that it was coming time again soon to use myself as a magic channel in the following season - an itch that comes my way pretty much every 2 years. I get really inspired because I know I am a healer and a channel. So I find some esoteric discipline to study, attempt to integrate it into hair appointments (that doesn’t really work for me - i am so happy for you if it works for you but for me it is another way of staying in the witch closet) and then I also slightly attempt to do it outside of my salon practice and something about it just never takes off.

But the way that my body feels when I am speaking in a specified container one on one with someone is something i can never un-know. i have been doing readings for a few months now, and it is actually the greatest feeling in the world for me, it feels like the embodiment that is the gift of finding one’s purpose in this mortal life, if i had to try and name it.

so i am wrestling with my imposter syndrome to try and come out of the witch closet, again.

Mostly, I know my imposter syndrome and my ego are the ones trying to run the show, telling me I shouldn’t do it - sometimes because whatever I am building doesn’t “take off” immediately, but most times it is because my imposter syndrome feels really strongly that I shouldn’t be seen, I shouldn’t put myself out there, I should really just stay in my lane and stay working behind the chair, and no one sees me as the magical creature that I am except for a select few people who I feel are undeniably on my wavelength.

also let me make this really clear - it is so wild to be a quadruple leo - and wrestle with my specific brand of imposter syndrome LOLOLOL - you would think that i have no issue taking up space and gassing myself up but tbh i really do

simply my imposter syndrome is like - don’t you fucking dare take up space being in your joy - and it makes me think I will be stuck doing hair forever.

it’s not that i don’t like doing hair - i have learned so much about myself as a healer from the work i have been lucky enough to do with amazing clients throughout my career. but TBHHHHH it’s that i have worked full time since almost the age of 12, and with my new bourgeoning academic career, the pressure of being behind the chair is really wearing on me, and since 2017 when i left hairstory - i have always known there is deeper work i should be doing with people, work that helps people transform in ways that, imo, are more important than doing their hair - and doing hair I KNOW is my zone of excellence - but my zone of genius is helping people see themselves, without the added pressures of the physical expectations that come with a hair appointment. (zone of genius and zone of excellence are references from The Big Leap, a book by Gay Hendricks)

the main difference this time around, is that I instantly recognized the intrusive thoughts that are my imposter syndrome as soon as i was getting closer to finishing my human design reader certification. in fact, i think i was putting off finishing the training because there was a big part of me that knew that once i was done, i was going to have to do what i promised myself i would do! build a new thing! be seen in a new way! not be afraid of disappointing people when my attention starts moving away from prioritizing my salon days and it starts moving toward building this new thing!@!!!!! the main difference this time around, is that this is a demon i have been wrestling with for a long time now, and over the last year, i have been making a sacred effort to take care of myself in new ways (including but not limited to becoming obsessed with exercising and counting grams of protein) and also putting myself out there and seeing what happens - aka applying to and being accepted to a super limited school program. the biggest aspect of this sacred effort has been doing the opposite thing that my imposter syndrome/intrusive thoughts tell me to do. because i do actually know that it makes me feel better to do the things that ultimately move me towards a goal.

imposter syndrome can absolutely be defined as many things - i am not going to reinvent the wheel here - but for me - it looks and sounds a bit like this: why should i be/feel entitled to doing the things i really want to do? what makes me so special that i should have a day to day experience that does not make my nervous system feel like it is on high alert? (ps i have recently realized my body feels this way when i am working behind the chair - jfc) why should i be allowed to just make art for a living -

oh wait my imposter syndrome sounds like a fucking martyr

the real question/space for investigation here is - why do i feel the need to be a martyr in this lifetime? where does this archetype come from? who in my family handed these epigenetics down to me? i do not fucking want them anymore - i want to be a person who “selfishly pursues their joy.”

where in my birthchart is this? where in my human design? where in my early childhood developmental messaging????? who showed me this way of life? which tarot card can tell me why!!! call the psychic, get mary (my therapist) on the phone -

maybe it is growing up the child of drug addicts, maybe it is the fact that i had a disease when i was a child where i was growing too fast and so i was constantly hearing the message “don’t get too big!”, maybe it is just living in capitalism, maybe it is that i was only ever shown this way of living in such a way that it wired me to think i was being of service to the group by not pursuing my desires….

well, that ship needs to fucking sail.

last semester, when i got accepted into bard, and i went to the admitted students tour day, i started lightly telling people i was interested in double majoring and studying painting if my scholarship allowed it. i have always wanted to just be a painter. lol i would never say that outloud bc the patriarchy inside me wont let me. i mentioned this to one of my teachers in one of my psych classes one day when we were talking about conformity - i vaguely said that i thought it would be selfish to study painting and not go into the psychology field - and she simply told me in front of the whole class that it doesnt make me selfish to want to become a painter - it makes me a conformist to want to continue to study on a path that leads to a life of being of service. i was so fucking offended to be called a conformist, first of all, and so fucking grateful for her perspective, because she was right. there is a teeny tiny voice inside me that i really need to pass the megaphone to - i have been hearing it ever since i started seriously painting when my father died -

the voice tells me that my biggest and brightest and most best way to be of service is to make my god damn paintings, and to be seen as a healing guide and channel for the whole world to see.

so with all of that being said - I am so excited to officially be offering human design readings for individuals, and i am so happy to announce that i will be double-majoring in the fall, studying sociology because it fucking turns my brain on and it makes me tick, and studio arts because it turns on my heart and feels like the biggest act of self-love i can muster.

my salon work will have to keep changing, and i really hope that my clients can understand. this is the beginning of the great phase out - who knows how long it will take. mentally, for me, i have actually been in the great phase out since 2017. for now - i hope for encouragement while i build this new thing! and for people to recognize that even if i seem like i can do it all, and i do do it all - i do not do it without the companion of imposter syndrome and intrusive thoughts. i think we all do.

for now i am offering individual human design readings - which you can book here - use the code MAGIC20 for 20% off. I am currently getting fucking AMPED to do a level 2 training with my teacher Erin Claire Jones throughout the summer, which will reveal to me how we can use human design for businesses, teams, groups, families, and I cannot be more excited to bring this to the hair industry. well i want to bring it to everyone, but really i think i will be so fucking stoked to bring it into salons.

i know this was alot to read, and was all over the place - but that is how i am! as always, thank you for seeing me <3 <3 <3

qualifier - i am sharing this for a number of self serving reasons, but mainly because i think someone out there will benefit from knowing they are not alone in their lack of executive function.

dearest gentle readers - todays note is a catch up and it is ALL OVER THE PLACE - kinda - scroll all the way down if you want to skip ahead to my apology for being gone for a while and a wee offering for those of you who kept being billed <3

I have been saying since before i began this substack that i am “coming back to my substack!”

I have also been saying for the last year that “I think I have finally landed”

However, i feel like honestly all of those other times i said those things were lies, and now I can say it with conviction and i do feel really honest when it comes out of my mouth.

maybe it is the idea of fake it til you make it, maybe it is the most annoying aspect of the method of manifestation, or idk - maybe it is some form of survival mode? to tell people you are okay and doing the things you said you were going to do even if you feel like you can barely brush your teeth, let alone cook yourself some scrambled eggs, or do the very high piled dirty laundry.

more of the truth - i have been living in a i-have-no-idea-how-to-manage-my-dopamine-levels for so long now that i can’t even articulate when it began. when i went through my big break up last summer, well i do not even know what to say about that other than its officially been a little bit over a year and around the 11 month mark i actually started feeling better. throwing myself into school and a social life and work was all fine, however - none of those things have helped me truly L A N D and come home to myself the way that i was really craving. I think they are the most excellent facilitators of landing - sometimes we need “distractions” - because when we try to look at and face a problem or desire head on - there isnt always a clear way to figure out how to approach it.

kind of like having a crush, sometimes looking at a problem or personal journey is a process of giving attention to it little by little, in sustainable increments that we know we can handle. I would like to think that this is a safe way of embracing new things that we want for ourselves.

trust me i have been the person who has had the balls to dive in head first to changing my life or my circumstances. but in my old age, or maybe its just accumulated lived experience as a queer woman in her late 30’s, i have come to learn that the only way to sustainably tackle a problem, for me, is to be with it in increments that i can handle without overwhelming my brain and my central nervous system. something that i learned in one of my psych classes last year is that our brains (who’s job is to literally keep us alive) will release a chemical when we set an attainable goal. when we set an attainable goal, basically, our amygdala processes the desire, and decides if the goal is important or not. the amygdala is also where, in our brain, our fight or flight response is managed, and my question here - is how is our amygdala supposed to be able to help us motivate for goals if it is very busy functioning in heightened fight or flight response? PS - the brain does not register goals that are too big or unattainable, most likely in my opinion because like i said earlier, its main function is to keep us alive, and if it knows we cant do something, it will specifically tell us not to, or just not release any dopamine when we are in the thought process. Of course we want to be able to do things that are both grand and wee that our brain is telling us not to do - rewiring our neural pathways is so much frikkin fun - but a part of me wonders if our amygdala sometimes protects us from jumping into things that it knows are not sustainable because of its memories and the fight or flight response?

the most amazing way that for me, i have been activating my brain to choose a new response, is waking up and analyzing, on any given day as i interact with the different tasks, chores, and relationships in my life - does this make me feel like i am in fight, flight or freeze? and literally convincing myself that 99% of the things that feel paralyzing for me are not dangerous LOL

i think that i have been living in a perpetual freeze state, i think, since my father died in 2018. there have been FLEETINGGGG moments of fight and flight - i can also say that i lived in a fight response for a massive portion of my younger years. i said a couple months back after booking a huge vacation where i decided to rent a car and drive in another country on the other side of the road and in the other side of the car, that i knew that i really needed to activate my flight response.

which is what brings me here, back to my substack.

actively choosing to put my body into flight, whether it is getting on a plane, going for a run even if i feel like i am going to die, or driving in my car the long way to do an errand when i have a million other things to do - is my new official favorite way to come back into my body.

i have been practicing activating my flight response for a few months now, and damn - i feel better.

like i can say that i feel better and i mean it. to my core. from every fiber in my being.

i will not tell you that i feel better because of the pilates i have been doing two or 3 times a week for the last month, or the run-jogging couch to 5k app that i have been doing. i will not tell you that i feel better because i am dating a sweetie who doesn’t have a mean bone in his body (which is really good for me, and he definitely makes things better ten thousand percent), i will not tell you i have been feeling better because i have been on break from school for the last 6 weeks, or because im fully booked at work or because i am thriving in my hobbies.

i can tell you i am feeling better because i have finally found the space to force my brain to choose a different way. for me, that is activating my flight response. and activating that flight response and attempting to rewire my brain is the reason why i have been doing all those things in the paragraph above and so yah - choosing a new way has made way for me to do new things that obviously make me feel better.

i have an idea for regularly writing, and it will take some development and efforts - but i need to build the muscles because i have decided i am most likely going to go on to do a PHD in psychology or neuroscience, and well shit i just need to practice writing. so i think i can safely tell people to watch this space LOLOLOL

I have hit the pause button on the billing, because I know there are many people who were still supporting me even though i wasn’t offering anything through this platform - and for that I would like to hold myself accountable and say I am truly sorry - i was living in freeze mode and couldnt do much more than whatever tasks were right in front of me. i fucking appreciate you all more than i can ever truly say, and i would like to offer to anyone who may feel like they paid into my void for too long - a one on one facetime hangout where you ask me to solve your problems with you, and i am elated to do so. maybe we don’t solve them, maybe we just spend time witnessing them!!! email me roxie@roxiedarling.com

as one of my favorite yoga teachers always says (Beth Cooke in NYC):

I LOVE YOU KEEP GOING. I LOVE YOU KEEP GOING.

thank you, as always for witnessing me.

the title of today’s newsletter is a line from “Magic Dance” from the Labrynth.

lol it was pointed out to me by my beloved Aunt Deb McCole that the title maybe didnt translate -

happy weekend - i hope its filled with LOTS of DANCE MAGIC DANCE <3

here we are fluctuating between the shallow warm waters and the cool ocean depths of emo cancer season!!!!

and i am here to announce the opening of my new and exciting offering -

the Magic Guidance Program aka Magic Mentorship

that is now open for enrollment - we start next week.

it is truly so exciting - im here to tell the tale that needs to come out of me this morning - journey with me and then theres some piping hot tea at the end.

im here to gab about this THING(program) that i have “developed” that gives me the opportunity to share the things that have emboldened me to live in alignment with my values - i believe it is a system for discovering our magnificence, and learning how to integrate it into our every day experience.

the whole intention behind the name of this newsletter was always to share the TINY INVITATIONS that lead me to know i am on the right path and that im living in divine alignment -

and the MGP is the entryway to the magic lifestyle that i have chosen to build for myself…

i knew around this time last summer that i was ready to move into “coaching” relations with the particular people who are ready for my magic, and i was left with the question - BUT HOW? I DON’T IDENTIFY AS A LIFE COACH.

also the age old question - what exactly is MY MAGIC?

my birthright magic that was bestowed upon me is the ability to see into people and help them discover the exact expanse of their light. in order to do that, we also have to live in balance and understand the full scope of our shadow and our darkness, that makes our light so bright.

i actually believe that the more comfortable we get with our darkness, the brighter our light can become. this way, in my opinion, is the only great option. every time we actively choose to witness our deepest parts of ourselves that we don’t show other people, we are gifted more lumens for our light to shine and be useful in the world.

so - why me? lol. in my spiritual path, as a white woman - post spiritually dipping in and definitely at certain points appropriating other cultures, i have returned to the question over and over again of what is my magic - and it has become very clear over the last 5 or so years that my magic is the kind that is simple - i come from the Celtic people who lived in alignment with the seasons, used herbs for all kinds of things, had a beautiful relationship to a few deities that blessed their lands, they loved dancing, they loved drinking, they worked with the fae, they bred sheep and grew potatoes - they braided their hair in intricate ways, and were extremely oppressed and colonized over and over again by the English. the majority of my ancestral magic comes from Ireland. consider me the lady who lives alone with her creatures in a cottage just outside of town but not too far, and you know when you come to see me there is always a fresh pot of tea and a baked good. you come to see me when you are craving clarity for your situations, your life purpose, or when you are questioning the work you should be doing to contribute to the group.

the other day someone asked me, “how often do you cast spells?” and i simply let them know “every word that comes out of my mouth is a spell” because i firmly believe that we are in constant collaboration with the universe to design our exact experience-

which at times is frustrating when we dont get what we want, and when we have interactions with people that trigger us, when we catch ourselves judging people, or hating on them for being true to themselves, the list goes on and on

this is including but not limited to the judgement we place on ourselves that induces shame, embarrassment, emotional blocks - the things that are solely the single things that hold us back from chasing the goose of desire.

so as i have become a teenage witch - because at 35, i still feel like there is so much to learn and i am having so much fun at times i literally still feel like i am perpetually 17! (just now i am very secure in my body, my beauty, my purpose, my desires, etc) - i am really ready to embody the Magic Guide that my ancestors have been begging me to become since they crafted the map of my stars the day i was born.

i am wrapping up a 12th house profection year as i am about to turn 36, and i really want to bring all of the things i have discovered from the ethers, into the tangible world and share them with whoever is ready.

so with all of that being said, ps i am leaving out the fact that when i broke my leg i knew it was because my ancestors wanted me to sit the fuck down and develop and practice this work, and yes that is a key part of this whole thing, but i feel like i may have already said that somewhere in the past lol

SO WITH ALL OF THAT BEING SAID,

i would love to invite everyone to join me for the Magic Guidance Program this summer. it happens over zoom. we meet 4 times over the course of 7 weeks from cancer season into leo season. 90 minutes each time we meet. We use your astrology birthchart and your Human Design through our process, looking at key aspects that actually help us to learn to LISTEN TO OURSELVES- and theres homework - and imagination work - and we learn how to integrate this stuff one bite at a time so that it is actually a sustainable embodiment practice.

the payment options are on a sliding scale, you can ask me for a payment plan, or if you identify as trans, or a QBIPOC, i would love for you to pick the option that feels best for you at this time. the sign up links prompt you to pay for the entire program, so like i said, if you need a payment plan, do not hesitate to reach out.

read more about what the program entails here

and sign up here:

i make under 30k

i make between 31k&60k

i make over 61k

while i am going through a lot of change, personally, and everything is kind of working against me to feel utterly embodied joy at the moment as i separate from my long term partner of 5 years, this actually feels like the most exciting thing that i have ever done (launching this program) and i myself will be transforming throughout this process, right alongside anyone who chooses to join me, and i hope to see a few of you on the ride. i think there are 3-4 spots still available.

big big love to yous all - thank you as always for witnessing me.

so i have opened up the computer to do so at 7:05 am now that the coffee is made.

my dream is kinda weird because all week i actually wanted to send out a missive - however - i really felt like i didnt have anything to say - BECAUUUUSE

i have been completely enraptured by a specific novel series for weeks now and i have ALLLLSO been primarily only listening to a catalog of music from one band for the like 2 weeks specifically - music and novels that are so niche - most of me thinks no one cares

have you ever heard of Coheed and Cambria? most likely you haven’t - and its even more slim of a chance that you are a fan - i am not even going to link the music - you can go hunting for it on your platform of choice if youd like. start with the first album and work your way forward - its all a story and you cant miss an album. i LOVED them as a teenager and in my early 20s - and i have been reading the

A Court Of Thorns And Roses (aka ACOTAR for the fans) series - which my therapist refers to as the faerie fuck series LMAO - shes not wrong - and i have been so completely enraptured by these books and something in them led me to revisit Coheed.

Something about dramatic fantasy storytelling and lovers who will kill for one another - and also “world building” to the degree that i can really picture myself in the faerie realms of the book series and while revisiting this band i loved as a teen i am remembering that i have always been this way - passion and fantasy are the way to my heart, soul, inner teen, and very much the adult that i keep growing into.

the truth is - i have not felt bad about completely ignoring all of my responsibilities and just sitting under the umbrella in my yard reading because it’s been TAURUS SEASON - and i have taurus in my 9th house which for me, i feel like reading BOOKS could be in there - and having just finished my school semester - lazing around and reading and gardening has really filled my cup these last 3 ish weeks. in fact - it feels like the most indulgent thing i have ever done.

if you need to get lost in a new world, but you’re not taking a vacation anytime soon - and you have a fantasy itch you could scratch - these books are for you. if you are in a committed partnership but maybe you need to date someone else for a few weeks - maybe these books are for you - fall in love with a faerie who has wings and extreme wealth and wants you to learn how to be the best warrior you could be while also encouraging you to pursue your passions - or be in witness as the cold heart of a female needs to be thawed out so that the love we all know is deep inside her can come through and save an entire realm.

I could go on -

but i think ill just encourage all of us to really lose ourselves in something so indulgent this summer that fills our heads and our hearts - something that is not a substance or a capitalistic expense - something that makes us dream and gives us that Main Character Energy we all need once in a while.

okay but here is a playlist of the songs that i have had on repeat in may when i’m not listening to my teenage music.

i love you all deeply and am wishing all a juicy taurus new moon weekend. luxuriate in everything you can before the winds of gemini season carry us into the hot days of summer.

if you live upstate - come to the 1 year Creem anniversary party on sunday at 227 Warren street - 12-6 - records for sale, vintage clothes, art, jewelry, music - come by for a hug and have a glass of something cold.

as always, thank you for witnessing me <3 <3 <3

did i ever tall y’all that when i didn’t want to go to work my mom would tell me to call in sick, and take a mental health day? then she would tell me to call in sick a second day to make sure that why-ever i told my manager i was calling out, was believable.

i would like to say that since i last published a newsletter, maybe i have been busy taking a mental health day from it. and then a second, and third and maybe fourth days!

when i launched this last year i had every intention of being consistent and cute using this platform to share things with people, but let me tell ya life really gets in the way of living.

the truth is - and i know this about myself, is that i am just SO MUCH BETTER IN REAL LIFE, in PERSON, in the physical present. i just am. i am not really much of a sparkling and shiny online presence, probably bc its really hard to convey nuance through a screen.

i didn’t realize it until these last few days, like literally yesterday, but i think this week i am coming out of survival mode, me and my whole house, AGAIN -

it seems that i am playing on an amazing team, meaning my partner and my animals, but damn we’ve been faced with some really rough games to play this last year.

you may or may not know this, but i broke my leg at the end of last year in early december, just a few weeks after returning from my ancestral samhain pilgrimage, and i do want to tell that whole story maybe sometime really soon - but i cant today. but i am plugging that in here because the day i found out that i had a broken fucking bone was the same exact day that i had registered to become a college freshman and had signed up for classes that would be starting 6 weeks later.

well its safe to say that i started my collegiate journey on a scooter, and then resumed work after being out for 2 months, a few weeks into the semester. i also have been traveling a bit teaching workshops which i love, but

i had no idea when i signed up for school, made plans to teach, AND CASUALLY BROKE MY LEG AND COULD NOT WORK FOR 2 MONTHS, how spread thin i would come out on the other side of all that -

emerging i am, just in time to be in sync with my theory that blooming is violent

honestly while i was down with my broken leg i had every intention of picking this newsletter back up - and i will speak more about this very soon - but honestly it was hard for me to do anything but lay around and knit and be in that healing moment while i was in it. this is what i mean when i say that i am so much better in real life. because i love being in the present real moment that i am in, so much.

well and when i started school - taking english 101 and learning the structure of writing an essay, truly for the first time in my life, while i thought that it would make me want to be in newsletter land again, it really fucking didnt because i was writing two essays a week basically, and i did that for about 13 weeks. also, i was being taught a structure that was fundamentally changing how i write things, and it was not very creative, but i do say this often that creative liberation comes from devotion to learning a structure so - im really glad it has all happened the way that it has

so ANYWAYS - heres to say that my semester ended last week, and WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW i feel like a new person.

a new person because first of all I FUCKING DID IT YALL - I DID A SEMESTER OF COLLEGE AND I DID IT GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!! lmao

and a new person because breaking my leg changed who i am i think kind of significantly, and now that school is over and i have no plans of traveling to teach for a while, i can really reflect on those changes and HAVE THE SPACE to integrate them.

so i just wanted to say, as always, thank you all for witnessing me.

and im going to be making a valiant effort to show up in this space again,

and AND it literally means the world to me to be seen and witnessed, so thanks for hanging in there if you’re reading this.

<3<3<3 LKRD

it is almost the time when we will be able to see the hawks in the trees, the season of mystery is coming - but for now we stay present in the season of the harvest

but, as i mention in the title of this missive,

it is always the season of the witch - not just in october!

transitioning from the heat, the call to be outside, and brightness of the warmer months - as the fog settles in every single morning here in the hudson valley and the nights get cool and turn darker earlier, i feel myself called inside - not just into my house but into myself and my inner resources

resources - a stock or supply of money, materials, staff, and other assets that can be drawn on by a person or organization in order to function effectively (definition from google)

in the harvest season and in libra season we are taking stock of our resources, both inside and out - i know with the coming winter months i have the specific resources of my hobbies to keep me entertained on the days when it will be hard to go outside, and i also feel as though my outside resources have been being so clearly presented to me - the dear friends i have made since we moved 2 1/2 years ago, my work in teaching and traveling and sharing my craftsmanship that im so proud of, and my partner Kim who seems to, for the most part, have never ending patience when it comes to dealing with me and my many facets

but this missive is to really share just a couple of *resources* that have been steady holds for me over the last few months as i have been experiencing my own magical renaissance

and in my harvesting of myself - in this season - the more i am awoken to my magic - the more *RESOURCED* i feel

so heres a wee list of things that have guided me towards some new magic i have been waking up to -

it all started with a book called The Mists of Avalon

i had been recommended this book many years ago by a dear friend, but it wasnt until this summer that i had it recommended to me again and i just hit purchase on thriftbooks and decided it was time to read it

all 900ish pages of it! it wound up being the perfect escape for me while Kim and i were going through her very real and mortal health upgrade that she had this summer

the timing was perfect also bc i had decided to travel to Glastonbury, England and Edinburgh, Scotland for an ancestral pilgrimage, and this book largely speaks to the old old old magic in my DNA that has been stirring and waking up, that comes from that geography and those lands

“In this case, Morgaine is presented as a woman with unique gifts and responsibilities at a time of enormous political and spiritual upheaval who is called upon to defend her indigenous heritage against impossible odds.” - taken from Wikipedia

reading this book and witnessing the women in their magic really was the awakening i needed to tap back in after coming out of the survival mode that COVID and the pandemic had set into place

this book was a balm for me when i most needed it, and i think anyone who feels the weight of the patriarchy keeping them from exorcising their magic, this book would be a balm for you, too

if there are irish women in your bloodline who married italian men, this book could also very much be for you (or any sort of beautiful indigenous woman-married to a religous zealot/white man - this book speaks to the colonization of womens innate instincts and the dangers of the pious ones)

the next unwavering source of support is the album that Florence Welsh of Florence and the machine put out a couple of months ago - Dance Fever - the sequencing is also a beautiful story of waking up to ones magic, and i have been listening to the album alot while driving around and screaming along, but specifically to 3 songs - #8 through #10 (which - those numbers of those songs make me consider the seasons weve been moving through and the major arcana of the the tarot… 8 is strength and a card for leo, 9 is the hermit and a card for Virgo, and 10 is justice and a card for libra…)

these 3 songs, for me, are telling a story that i witness in women, non binary people, and all femmes every single day in both big examples and small

Cassandra

Heaven is Here

Daffodil

i recently drove to maine for a wonderful workshop during the libra new moon and on my way back i stopped in Salem, Massachusetts and decided to check in with the ancestors there - i attended the Salem Witch Museum and of course as a little person i learned of the witch trials that were held there, but i guess being there and witnessing the interactive show that they have, it really hit home for me that magical people have been being hunted for as long as christianity has been alive - and that is just absolutely devastating to me- this constant narrative of dont be too magic bc someone will want to burn you at the stake!!!

and while at the museum there was this tiny map on the wall about the witch hunts in europe, and i looked to the lands on the map where my bloodline comes from and i saw that Scotland was one of the most hunted lands of all - in Salem in 1692 they really only killed a couple handfulls of “witches” - in Scotland they started in the 1590s and didnt stop until the 1660’s - they killed 2,500 witches (both women and men)

and so my aunt told me about this PBS special all about the Scotland witch hunts, (we are going on this ancestral pilgrimage together at the end of october…) and now i share it with yous

and i cant help but emphasize the fact that our resources, as we enter not just this “inside season” but all of the next energetic and political seasons, can be found in the magic of the people in our bloodline and all of the answers are right there, inside of us.

Religion has mainly taken this privilege away from us - in the sense that it has made it so hard for the last 2,000 years for us as a human race to listen to the things that are in our blood and our bones, and so i know looking inside to our selves is not always the easiest thing to do, but with practice and devotion - any magic can be discovered, remembered and harnessed.

so all of this to say, that in this season of harvest one of the greatest things we can do, is make space to be quiet with ourselves, and listen to what our blood and bones are telling us - and to look to our trusted peers - and ask them what their blood and bones are telling them

as i get ready to travel, i am devouring this immunity tincture from the lovely Lauren of Good Fight Herb Company, as well as sipping a wild rose tincture that they gave me last week - local resources are everything as we move through the harvest into the season of the mystery

okay i think i am signing off now!!! it felt really important for me even from virgo season last month to share this list,

bc it is ALWAYS the season of the WITCH <3 <3 <3

love yous, thank you for witnessing me and for being a beautiful resource

xxRD

did i ever tell you guys (lol i know that i have not told yous) that i had to retake my drivers test in May of 2021 and re-get my license (bc of some drama) and when we pulled up to the test site which was at a cemetery in troy, ny there was a huge fat blue jay sitting on a grave stone looking at me, and it was within days of my fathers birthday and i was terrified that i wasnt going to pass bc hello the first time i took the test when i was 18 i failed 3 times but i saw that blue jay and felt like i had a nice angel friend holding my hand while i tested for a form of freedom? luckily after 7 minutes in the car with the instructor i passed. and that was my first real blue jay sighting that id had where the dude felt like he was practically hanging out with me.

i have a thing for birds - something about the flight and the freedom that comes with that. birds in flight are wild and graceful and free, and the wonder that they inspire in me is invaluable. but i exist in the very real world of the patriarchal system of capitalism, and its very hard to feel free and wild under these circumstances.

every time i go to visit my aunt and uncle in the adirondacks, i sit and look out over their meadow at the camp and blue jays cross all day and they seem to be angels flying and dancing in a natural symphony and it feels nice to be still and witness their perfect blue spear-like bodies moving through time and space

this summer was, to be honest, fucking choas. i made some beautiful memories and had a handful of beautiful stolen moments with some of my dearest people, and also oh yeah - my fiance Kim had a very serious spinal surgery in their cervical spine, and oh yeah it was a little hard for me, and i have not felt a sense of normalcy in our lives, until this past week.

in order for the doctors to solve kims very human problem, they had to cut into and operate on her spine through the front of her neck, her throat, working around her vocal chords and important arteries and to say i was a worried mess is honestly an understatement. i spent the better part of the weeks leading up to the procedure in a state of terror, i am just being honest here. im feeling fine now, but the impact it had on my ability to do anything other than what was literally right in front of me, was very serious. thus, no extra curricular newsletters

lets pile this on top of the state of the world, my recent job change at the beginning of the summer (which has been wonderful…,) and my incessant need to always feel like i am working on myself, /working towards what is next.

this summer made me realize that i am tired. i am exhausted. i love my job because i love helping people, and holding space for them while witnessing their physical and emotional transformations, but after doing hair for 17 years, and yes being so fulfilled - since the start of the pandemic and a slight onset of job insecurity - i couldnt help but think about what is next for me. where is the next place that is going to offer me freedom and grace and flight? (obviously that feels different for everyone…)

a very fun fact about yours truly - there is a small (and very fucking large) part of me who is always prepping for some sort of doomsday. prepping for when capitalism falls, prepping for when the republicans come with their guns, prepping for when the earth decides shes had enough. having a craft at times like this is so fucking important to me - being skilled to work with my hands and function as an alchemist and making magic out of thin air with a pair of scissors feels like a great fucking tool to have, and the years spent with people listening to them and commiserating with them and holding them while they experience the full spectrum of their lives has been a work-study in humanities and empathy i could have never imagined receiving when i signed up for cosmetology school in 2005.

and through the pursuit of my many esoteric healing certifications, there is a level of satiation that i have not accessed in all of my learnings that keeps me seeking and wondering about what is next for me, where am i finding the wonder and the grace?

of course there is the incredible simple grace of being with what is, and the current moment - but the adventurer in me always needs to have something to look forward to.

and so somehow, through the chaos of this past season, i feel like i can officially say that i, by the grace of the goddess, have seen a light that i cannot unsee and it has grounded me back into my path of life in service the way making the decision to become a hairdresser at the age of 16 tethered me to a life map -

somewhere in the stress and the healing that followed this summer’s to do list, i found myself at the community college last wednesday inquiring about their social work program and in the steps i took to get to that moment and drive my car 7 minutes to get there, a huge wave of relief washed over me and i felt the tether to the map to my purpose light up for the first time in a long fucking time - and i began the journey to putting a structure to my learned years of empathy - and made the decision to go to college to ultimately deepen my commitment to helping people - through becoming a social worker/licensed therapist.

and as i got in my car and started to pull away from the visitors parking lot, sure enough (i was on facetime with my bff remy telling her all about the info i had gotten) a symphony of blue jays were passing in front of my car and in the meadow in the distance.

and in that moment - i had felt like once again, i am on my way to accessing that sense of grace and freedom that comes with the gift of wings.

so, my friends - heres my newsletter that i wish so badly i could have sent out all summer - this summer was not without incredibly beautiful healing moments, but in the spirit of transparency, i did not work on any creative projects this summer, aside from teaching beautiful humans, and participating and witnessing in the incredible scientific healing of my partner Kims neck bones/spinal fusion surgery. anything that was not routine just didnt make the cut.

but im really happy in fact overjoyed to share that Kim is doing great, and so am i now that normalcy and a regular sense of calm has once again become the frequency in our home.

i have never valued routine and a 5 year plan more than i have in this moment - and im very grateful for this.

all of this, to say, that me personally - i can actually only really enjoy the grace and freedom of flight - when there is a structure in place that offers me the feeling of being able to come back to my map and check in and make sure i am still on the intended route. pursuing schooling feels like a nice map, and i am officially so excited to explore. i am feeling invigorated and alive in a new and fresh way that i think can allow me to share more intentionally again, both here, on my social media, and in my little run-ins with my community members.

for anyone who will read this and fret that im going to stop doing hair - dont worry - i have (most likely) about 6 years of school in front of me - and i dont know that ill ever actually stop doing hair, because it is a form of magic that i get to share, and i am so grateful for that. because sharing magic, is magic.

love yous, thank you for witnessing me.

i have been going through a big transition - but well just refer to it as blooming for now.

and it quite literally has been utilizing all of my energy - because blooming is not a choice, it is a natural process - and BLOOMING IS VIOLENT.

over these last few weeks i have sat down and started writing this twice, and both times the story is so fucking long - and thats so cool because nothing is simple, i want to always share every single nuance - but in an effort to wrap this up and finish the transition process - im going to share very SIMPLY what this bloom time has brought earth side -

as of yesterday, June 1 - i am officially working at a new salon in Hudson, NY where i reside. its called Creem Studio and its so beautiful and intimate yet will be kinetic in every sense of the word - its a beauitful limestone washed pink container with two chairs -

i found myself moving there because - to put it simply - 6 months ago when we were signing the lease for our new/this now current apartment that we moved into earlier this year - i met a nice girl named Jessica Lee who coincidentally was opening a salon underneath our new living space. i literally met her the day we were signing our lease and i didnt even meet her at our building i met her somewhere else in town! we met on the street outside of a coffee shop outside of my old salon and it was a quick meeting and i just said '“WHERE are you opening?!” and she told me the address and i nearly lost my mind because in my hands was the lease for the apartment above. that is to put it all simply.

and so the seed/bulb was planted that day in december - before the first frosts had come.

i have never felt more like a beautiful big abundant flower in my whole damn life - to be honest, and luckily living upstate in the hudson valley has allowed me to listen to nature as my mirror and my guide - and im telling you this year I AM A PEONY

the bulb went into the ground (the idea of working somewhere different that felt more aligned for the work i love to do) and then i spent the winter nourishing the bulb (considering the ways in which i could grow) and then i checked in with my astrologer in early may and kind of made sure that it was time to blossom and the whole time - since december - whether i liked it or not - myself as a big beautiful green lush stem had been growing out of the ground and it felt like it was finally time to make the decision to move (LOL DURING A MERCURY RETROGRADE) and to quite literally BLOOM in a new space.

as a recovering people pleaser - change can be really hard for me - not because i dont want it - but because there are still parts of me that are TOO CONCERNED with what other people will think of my decisions - and living in a small town doesnt help this but it is an excellent muscle building experience - just when i think i am over this hump in my life where i can make the choices i want to make - i was presented with this opportunity and it meant leaving the safe pot i had been planted in (the salon where i had established myself up here) and moving into what could potentially be a super fertile bed in the ground where i could truly be and take up all of the space that my little heart desires.

and so in these last few weeks of spring, and mapping out my transition, and the return of more daylight and warm weather - i have been so fucking busy and as a FLOWER over this last month - i have found myself WAITING FOR THE RAIN.

luckily i have been on PEONY watch - there is a massive bush of them around the corner from my house at a church next to a giant shrine to the virgin Mary, and their growth/bloom trajectory timing has been magically the same as mine

this means - as a busy human - waiting for the pre-summer summer storms to come and give me an excuse to rest and not go out into the day to go hike or go socialize or run errands because it finally feels easy enough outside to do all of the mundane things that we have to do on a regular basis. for the last 3 weeks we have had some really hot weather and humidity and i think we all know - the only thing that brings relief in that climate is the fucking rain.

emotionally too - the only thing that truly brings relief are our tears. letting built up energy leave our body - and on my last day at my old job last week i had a fullblown panic attack while i was finishing washing someones hair and the only thing that brought me back into my body and settled my heart-rate was to sob - pretty much uncontrollably - because while it was my last day and the move to the new space would be happening in just a few days - my whole person had been ready to bloom in the new space for a while.

it was a busy winter into spring. my family experienced alot of loss and then i traveled for the first time in 2 years. it never feels like a super secure time to make a big career move.

the same way that a flower can never really know that its safe enough to bloom -

they just know when they have got their fill of sunlight and water and they just start to open and then one day its like BOOM BITCH HERE I AM IN ALL OF MY ABUNDANT PETAL GLORY AND I AM OFFICIALLY IN BLOOM!!!!

and i feel like i am here now

and i beleive it takes everything in our power to be able to share ourselves with the world in this most often times brave and breathtaking way.

and so in turn, my laundry has fallen to the wayside and so has this newsletter!!!

but today it feels like the time to share -

we are the peonies and we have been waiting for the rain

Blooming is Violent - so be gentle with yourself as you burst forth in this peak spring time <3 <3 <3

catch me at Creem Studio in Hudson, NY on thursdays, fridays and saturdays - and in my hair workshops that i will be offering there <3

love yous so much, thank you for witnessing me.

it was ALWAYS GONNA BE SHORT AND SWEET ~

todays practice is NOT to go on and on and on about how we should love ourselves, even though thats as you probably know always my wish (for everyone to love themselves and to probably go on and on about it)

so last year, i wanna say it was around this time bc i remember everyone was getting vaccinated and it was before delta and it was assumed that 2021 was going to be the best fucking summer ever, and i remember because (in NY) people were starting to have parties again, restaurants were starting to open, you could go in and sit! at! a! BAR!, and i will forever be a party girl in this here spirit of mine - and i think i was feeling like oh no fuck i need to somehow GET TO EVERY PARTY - but my life is very different now and i will remain a special interesting person actually whether i go to the party or not -

i could not tell you for the life of me when the first time i heard this song was, but in this portal of spring of 2021 (and truly today too) it struck me as something i needed to share and i needed to say the following about it

“feeling jealous? anxious? fomo? everyones a winner, babe”

this song brings the type of party that invites us to actually truly want to make love to ourselves, of course these guys singin it are probably talking about some other hot person who is not themselves but i really heard it as an invitation to start feeling myself!!!!! and in some ways with covid still being a party girl and doing whatever she wants to and evolving and finding herself, this spring feels eerily similar to last. LET ME DIGRESS FOR A SECOND HERE, its still not fully okay to go out into the world like a completely normal person for ALL - i dont know about yous but if i cant work i dont get paid and effectively struggle to feed my household - thats not fucking normal. the world is definitely feeling normal for some but i know not for ALL. im also not gonna go on and on about this here either today

i wish i could remember the first time i heard this song, but i cant. BUT, i can say that i have truly been a fan of Hot Chocolate (the band) since i was a little girl and i first heard the song about the miracles (pretty sure i heard it on the radio at my grandmothers house and also in the movie Heavy Weights which in the 90s was the best)

so this weeks prayer is that we can have a moment to vibe with Hot Chocolate and remind ourselves that its okay if we dont go to the party, its okay if we wear the more conservative outfit when we really wanna feel a little sluttier, its okay if we stay home because we have an early work start the next day, its okay if we dont go on a date with that fucking weirdo even though no one has asked us in a long time, its okay to stay home and preserve your peace as much as you want,

* because everyones a winner babe, thats the truth

making love to you is such a thrill

you never fail to satisfy *

i really honestly do believe this to be true, and it is the first thing i ever wanted to share as a newsletter missive. and if you cant get there in your imagination please just imagine me singing this to you as your hype-man

i love yall, hope youve been having great weather like me, and that a sweet moment can be set aside for some fucking VIBES this morning, and however often you need them <3 <3 <3 <3

click here:

Everyone's a Winner by Hot Chocolate

see yous next week <3xxRD

part of me showing up here as my most authentic self is me not editing too much and just pressing send when it feels finished <3 thank you so much for being here!

when i started writing the draft of this weeks newsletter, it very quickly turned into being about 3 different things, lol. but the truth is that those things brought me here, to Tiny Invitations. the plan was to articulate WHO EXACTLY ARE TINY INVITATIONS???!??!??!! and as i was writing i realized that they are this playful way of me listening to and being with myself, in a world where in my experience, this has not been encouraged.

the first draft was this beautiful process of me talking about why i didnt listen to myself for the first almost 30 years of my life, who Tiny Invitations are, and then also maybe not so randomly my ramblings on how i experience gender! separate essay to come later about my experience of gender, but for today i definitely want to tie in the bit about not listening to myself.

that is the very cool thing, im believing about this project for me, the newsletter and growing the writing muscles- i started writing and all of this stuff was coming out and i was able to see the root of why i have made up this little game. its always to make the healing easier, or more efficient. or turn the healing into something that feels more compact, like something i can carry around with me so much more easily than constantly beating myself up for not listening to myself for most of my life. which is the opposite of healing.

so yes, i can say that i do now FIRMLY believe that Tiny Invitations are the playful and extremely important antidote to the pain (and oftentimes trauma) of not listening to oneself.

to elaborate on Trauma - i do bring this up often with my salon clients bc most people have had very traumatic hair experiences at least once in their life. in the simplest way, i describe it as something that is happening too fast for our brain to understand what is going on. when our brains dont have the full time that they individually need to process what is happening, i feel like it shuts off our ability to listen to ourselves. the list really could go on here but im gonna keep this really simple for now.

during the pandemic, when i was kind of thriving, doomscrolling and deadly virus aside LOL, i was spending my days painting and teaching myself to sew and shooting my shot at a sourdough starter even though at the time our apartment had central air, and well if you know anything about mold or sourdough starters central air will not let either of those things happen. for the first time in my career, oh wait um the first time in my LIFE - i didnt have to WORK. i didnt have to do the job that i did love, however had been very tired of for some time. my current form of capital was gone (and we were all on rent strike so as long as we had groceries and could feed the dogs everything was fine). it is, for me, a form of OUTWARD creativity, creativity that i make for other people - hair was never a form of personal expression for me, it was always a service, and now i didnt have to do it and i could spend literally from the moment i opened my eyes in the morning til the minute i went to sleep focusing on all of my own personal forms of expression that were FOR ME. what a dream. i had been saying to my therapist in the weeks leading up to the pandemic that i was ready for a sabbatical - and here i was - with endless time to be with myself. (keep in mind, i have been doing hair since i was 16 years old - and i didnt have a normal childhood/coming of age experience by any means, more to come on this later, but i was really ready for some un-interrupted, high quality PLAY time!)

if we could only just do as the plants do - their bodies literally point and grow towards the things they need. i think our bodies are always pulling us towards what we need, yet our brains are trying to keep us alive, and keep our bills paid! and so unless we are super accustomed to creating new neural pathways in our brains we end up abandoning what our bodies are telling us we need and want. this is where tiny invitations come in.

i think my first inkling to really listen to myself was in 2011 when i needed to get clean from a very bad pharmaceutical drug habit. i decided memorial day of that summer that i would ween myself down throughout the months leading up to labor day, and surprisingly i guess, i did. i knew i had a dependency - i just didnt know that in the first days that i showed up to my place of work after abandoning said dependency that my body would literally reject that environment and it would walk me out of the salon that i considered to be “my whole life” at the time. in this instance, my body protected me and just did what it needed to do, my brain was on board bc i had been offered another job to help start a new company, but this was really one of the most visceral moments to recall of my body knowing what i needed before my brain did.

(i would like to note here that there 2 instances that could be the ACTUAL first time i was listening to myself - one where i was 12 and decided to leave home, and then again when i was 15 and i knew it was time to return home but this is a very very separate story that will take more than a newsletter to talk about! hopefully a memoir will explain that!)

the next time that i had an inkling to listen to myself, was 6 months later right after the loss of my mother when i was 24, (10 years ago this past january RIP Patti <3) and i had an ex, and a couch boy (thats right you read correctly - two degenerate “graffiti boys” ((not REAL graf boys - my brother was one for many years and these boys were NOT IT but we were young and all of the dreams were lofty) LOL) sharing my rent stabilized $1150 bushwick one bedroom apartment with me, and the only thing i knew i needed at the time was SPACE, and i needed them to get the fuck out so that i could have that. i had no idea how i was going to come up with that $1150 every month bc i was just newly building my clientele, but i was determined to do it. it was a lot of bagels and slices of pizza for lunch, and only PBRs in the evenings at the bar. shots of whiskey ONLY if someone else bought them for me. LOL. to be 24 - another dream. trust me i never want to do it again BUT woooooh a good time was had by all. all of this to say - it was at this time, that my body was gently letting me know it wanted to start leading the way.

this was when the journey of Tiny Invitations probably actually began. i was given a book by a friend after my mother died and that friend told me that “it was going to break me down” and i was like UM HELLO I DONT NEED TO BE ANY MORE BROKEN?!?!?!?!?! but there was a slight language barrier between me and this friend and what they meant was that it was going to break life down in a way that would comfort me in my time of grief. the book is called Many Lives Many Masters by Brian Weiss and its about how groups of souls travel together throughout the course of several lifetimes in order to work out their karma together. to put it simply, this book took away my smallness that i had been experiencing at the time, and made all of life and my interactions actually quite large - it expanded my mind and my every day experience. it made me start looking into the eyes of strangers to see if my soul recognized theirs! anyway - i could say this whole combo of grief, recently getting clean from drugs, and reading this book was the poopoo-platter that opened my life to more than the mundane, regular every day human experience. it was the time when i started to actively look at the clock and if i saw it was my moms birthday 6:16 or the time of her death 1:18 i knew that her spirit was with me.

it was also around this time that i started getting invited to moon circles, i saw my first psychic, started buying crystals, WAS GIFTED A GODDESS ORACLE DECK!!!! and i really started diving into DIVINING my daily experience. anything that could bring me into feeling ALIGNMENT with what was happening while it was happening. diving and divining. it became my favorite past time, and then my job, and it is still one of my favorite forms of PLAY, and PRAY - honestly its a way for my brain to make sense of what is happening around me - it keeps me feeling connected to the divine, and in turn - in my body.

tiny invitations were truthfully born at this time

but i could not articulate ANY OF THIS until i STOPPED. and this is exactly what i did when the pandemic hit. i STOPPED for the first time, probably in my whole adult life.

i created an instagram account during the pandemic, i literally just checked the date that i first posted and it was TWO YEARS AGO YESTERDAY, on may 3 2020. here, my friends is a tiny invitation. a synchronicity. im sitting here babbling and processing and i look back and how charming, two years ago yesterday i tried to start articulating wtf goes on. anyhooooo- the bio reads “magic and musings by intuitive artist roxie darling” because i wanted to share all of the special moments and details that led me to make the creative choices i make. ultimately though, tiny invitations rolled off the tongue too easily for me to justify them being just the things that guided my creative choices, they are the things guiding ALL of my choices, in turn, manifesting as a life style.

my only dream is for all of us to be able to act in our own best interest - which we can decipher what that is when we listen to ourselves. i saw a meme yesterday that read “WHAT WOULD YOUR SACRED INNER BRAT DO?” and i really fucking felt it!!!! i think thats a simple way to recognize the healing that is learning to listen to ourselves.

but what is the language that we speak between ourselves and the divine that facilitates the ongoing conversation? for me its Tiny Invitations.

so lets get down to it - who are Tiny Invitations? their pronouns are they/them, (because in my experience, they are coming through living in full balance presenting perfect ratios of divine masculine and divine feminine energies. more to come one day on my experience of gender :).)

omg omg omg again - LETS GET TO IT - i am a rambling rose yall!!!!!! LOL

(this is where the newsletter gonna get to be a little bit of a tennis match of many short fragmented sentences so just bare with me)

okay so Tiny Invitations are many things - to put it simply they are synchronicities that invite us to a place of self-compassionate inquiry -

they are the things that take us out of a stimulating moment and give way to grant ourselves permission to open to self-curiousity - a potentially fleeting simple reflection on how WE feel in any given moment

they are anything that HELP US PRIORITIZE OUR INNATE DESIRES before whats pushed on us from outside influence

they are the things that KEEP OUR VALUES at the forefront of our CIRCUMFERENCE

and they come to us in TWO forms

1. first form - THEY ARE THE PINGS INSIDE OF US THAT INVITE SELF-CURIOSITY

2. second form - THEY ARE THE THINGS OUTSIDE OF US THAT STIR A PIECE OF OUR INSIDES TO QUESTION HOW WE ARE FEELING/SELF-INQUIRY

they are the things that invite us to make space for self regulation in times of overwhelm. they are the bird in the window that forces you to take your sight off of whatever project you are deeply focusing on so that ultimately you are gifted with fresh perspective.

they are the flowers in the distance to help you remember that all of the pieces of the puzzle may not be inside yourself so you have to look around and re-source your energy, or missing pieces.

they are the things that invite us to STOP, to take a break and check in with our self

they are the things that reflect back to us what we are fucking doing

they are mirrors!

they are the moments when you hear the exact lyrics in a song that all of a sudden make sense of the chapter in your life youre experiencing (i call this radio-oracle)

they are that moment when youre outside in the sun for too long and your skin sizzles and your body is reminding you to get some sunscreen, current you protecting future you

they are asking for some universal confirmation message and then you look up and there is a grand bird circling you over the dog park (an eagle whos saying take up space, or a hawk saying remember the big picture, or possibly a vulture who is reminding you that everything has a life cycle and we must carry on and be open to people and things leaving us whether we are ready or not)

they are meeting a person in the flesh who can solve your problem that you discovered just moments before

they are the gut feelings you have when you are shopping and you know you need to buy an ingredient at the grocery store even though it isnt on your list, or maybe not even in your budget!

tiny invitations are the new leaves unfurling in your houseplant or your garden that remind you that you are always in a season, something that shifts and is constantly changing, and that you are possibly unfurling too, and if you are unfurling than so is everyone around you and so you need to have more outward patience and outward compassion

Tiny Invitations are the things big and small that invite us to be with ourselves - reiterating here for meself - tiny invitations are the small joys that build up every day and over time that can make our whole life feel like a big, consistent and sustainable joy

tiny invitations are the basis for feeling like we are living our purpose - the things that make us KNOW were on the right path

the things that confirm our ALIGNMENT

they are little prayers - lots of little prayers accumulate and are oftentimes more effective than grand gesture prayers

Tiny Invitations as a lifestyle is, in my experience, the most sustainable recipe for joy that i have come up with, as time seems to go by faster as i get older. they are the things that make me take stock of my day and see oh wow its actually been really great even though its been so regular and possibly not productive - tiny invitations are ultimately the things that slow us down and invite us to be with ourselves.

in this new world where we have the option to be hyper stimulated literally around the clock, tiny invitations are calls for us to come home to ourselves as many times as we want to.

xxRD

often in my day to day i have these downloads/flashes of things that i want to share with the world - often they are a song that opens my spirit and i have to share about why the harmonies move the energy centers in my body, a mindblowing metaphor for life, a profound revelation that im scared nobody else has had yet and needs to have, the list goes on.

while social media has been a good place for that, i want to create a separate nest *(or maybe it is a cozy little cottage in the woods where you know you can always come for tea and a biscuit and you can always show up with an empty cup and leave feeling like you’ve gotten a full tank of spirit gas, theres goats in the yard and toadstool mushrooms and i hope you arrive having not showered so we can go bathe in the river etc etc etc)* for the quirky and helpful things that i want to share that have nothing to do with hair (okay maybe hair will sneak in every now and then but i doubt it. this endeavor is really the beginning of hopefully the end of my days behind the chair. more more more to come on this)

a big part of this newsletter for me is also stretching and building the muscle of writing and they say that newsletters are a great place to work those muscles! and this is a place that is completely for me without the dreaded taxing history/baggage of trying to get likes or fitting in with an algorithm or worrying about what my boss would think if they read my post (not that i have a boss any more! but still !)

so what will this place be?

• it is definitely the aforementioned nest/cottage i was talking about

• i HAVE! A! THING! for connecting the dots and synchronicites of life. that is why this is called TINY INVITATIONS. more to come on this!

• this is a great place for anyone who wants to get to know me better even though we may not have physical proximity

• for me, a place where i dont feel the need to hold back the nuances of who i am - i feel like on social platforms so much nuance is lost!

• a place where i get to share special moments in time that happen in my brain

• a place for me to talk about and process the goings on in my life, including and not limited to my art, grief, work, relationships, and adventures

• every “SHARE” is a potential and essential part of our daily processing so this is definitely a space for that

there will be typos and grammatical errors because this space will really be a place where for myself, anything goes. i look forward to cool feedback or not cool feedback whatever comes my way!

at this point the spiritually-capitalized version of me would love to announce my “intention” for this space and “what i hope you will learn from me” but the truth is that i am so sick of having to “market” myself and i think the difference between this form of hanging out and social channels, for me, is the softness in which i get to land in your inbox and not struggle to be seen in the algorithms.

i think of this softness being the same kind of softness that comes with courtship*. when we know someone truly WANTS to see us and be around us, we are fully allowed to be ourselves. our soft natural selves. as opposed to not being sure if someone wants to be around us and then we have to perform attention seeking tactics (aka play games) to figure out if another person actually wants to be around us - these tactics don’t ever come off as soft! for example, the algorithms on social platforms. more on this softness theory soon because i love to talk about it.

*(this reference to courtship really speaks to all of the different courtships we experience on a regular basis, with our friends, families, romantic partners, business partners, client relationships, THE LIST GOES ON!)

with that being said, i do WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe that we are these constantly reflecting mirrors of one another and i hope that any inspirations or wonder that is received through these transmissions can be held and blossom inside of every single person who reads them

take what you like and leave the rest!!! (this is what my favorite teachers say)

either way i will show up here weekly in the tuesday -wednesdaY portal!!!!!!

thank you for coming to my substack <3 <3 <3 xx RD

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