Entered my house of broken shields

The roof is torn, it cannot compress the clouds

The floor is broken, it makes us squeal

The heat does not get compressed

My body melting had begun to reek

People start mentioning disintegration

I decided it was time to leave

I woke up and pushed my bones to take a shower

I decided to be clean

I walked all grey in the forest that was green

It had lusciously brown leaves

With insects and midges that eat your decay empty

I knew I had to wash my soul neat

I drank and I drank

Took steps, walked in circles

But I did not run like he ran

I tried to fly,

Thinning from inside I thought I flew

The shower did not stop

The bees kept getting reborned

But I never began to feel clean

My soap ran out and it started growing big

Droplets of red dropped like water

It was the blossoming gloom of maroon

I started and finished then I started again

Days only turned into night

The sun did not shine again

My midges grew sore eating what was left of me after your burial

I played the same recordings

I said the same words

The same steps to the same chore

My task of bathing never left me feeling clean

My long shower did not run short

It merged into a loop from my hairs that got burned

Soap kept lathering I kept burying the foam in the sink

I tried to step out

The shower did not let me leave

In any alternate reality

I guess I never came clean

Do you still see me reaping desolate?

I screamed into the abyss at dawn when I lost my cool

I was very rude, I was very demanding

I laid still keeping all my good things aside,

Hiding all that had remained

I tasted emptiness and took it home with me

I returned empty handed after exchanging cruelty

The dawn ignored me and the dusk turned its back on me

I felt like a clown wandering around

I painted my ache by drawing figures of leaves

Just when I turned around the abyss backstabbed me

Blackness and its warmth were kind

It gathered me in its soil

I promised to play brave

Denying the registering of what stayed

And I promised my tears as collateral

For claiming my outbursts that went vain

After I have carried enough dust

The tree devoid of flowers assured me

And I confirmed,

It will be okay.

Sometimes I resent her for not knowing

Should I drift her apart for holding onto innocence?

Should I bury myself in her ache?

Lay in the gap of not knowing and trying

Should I just rest my head on her lap and tell her everything?

Her laugh gleams subtle pride when she rules out all that was not told to her

Her glaring at what is truly out there holds her for moments long enough for it to snow

Had she known she would have made it far

Actions speak louder than words she has been doing it all while screaming with roars

Acceptance reeks less than comparison

All this is spoilt and bruised

Coexistence with absence is not fleeting

Harder than forming the earth and letting it go

I prayed with my eyes open sometimes

Now I doubt the direction of time moving forward

Should I tell her or preserve the naive childhood she stores within?

I guess I will just smoke the fire coming out of me that she blows.

After a certain age it was me who was deciding which college I should go to. Which subjects I should choose. How to spend my time. Who to spend my time with.

Now I look at kids studying what they do not want, because their parents have already planned their life for them.

Parents who have decided what is best for their kids and the kids just working through it.

A year ago I would have frowned upon such thinking. But now looking at them and hearing their parents say that only makes me wish I had that. No matter how much I would have resented it I just cannot stop myself from getting emotional about it and wanting that.

I do not know what that says about me as a person, I feel like Fleabag when she said I want someone to tell me what to wear everyday, what to eat, what to like, what to rage about.

I do not think much about it because I do not want to judge myself after I have constantly imagined scenarios where I keep proving myself that yes I have love for me.

But have I become so emotionally deprived of love that I now want what 18 year old me who was so self assured and knew everything despised and stood against?

18 year old me was the smartest and most self assured version of myself, she knew what she wanted, she knew what she would want in the future, she did everything in accordance to her plan and she was making it work better than anyone else.

My 18 year old self would not recognise me now. She would quietly work harder than she did to achieve everything early because she would think I stopped existing after turning 23.

To feel your ashes flying, consumed by the sky,

Hiding in the clouds

Hoping they will carry me,

Take me to you

I was enmeshed in dust instead

Tangled in air that filled me too much

Too much to not want to breathe

The air I was drowning in held no signs of you

I feared leaving my essence there

The clouds refused to hold me

I could feel my soul pushing my bones to get out and evaporate,

Become a part of the air

I roamed the sky hours looking for you

Leaving minutes behind

The distraught kept stabbing me

Burdening me with hefty loathe

My skin ached, hurting my bones

I searched the blue that forced me to leave my shadow behind

I kept wondering,

Should I drop my empathy in the clouds?

In anticipation of the renewal of my being

Directly but not too direct to look me in the eye and see

Watch me sin, watch me breath

Watch me hold my tears and know that my life is heavy

Watch me break, watch me rot

In my head they all play along

I break down making sure no one is around

But they and them always see

I keep shaking my leg

My feet clenched

I break too much eye contact to the point of never making it

I realise what I am doing

I push people away from saving me

I lit the fire and imagined myself burning in it

I swallow ice storms because the flow of my rage burns my heart and lungs

Acid fails in front of my wrath to make my body ache

The tickets are free but timings vary

Sometimes it is you, or a stranger whose face I cannot escape

They are always there

Them watching my shadow give up on me

Sitting in front of your picture

Sent by a former lover

In front of my forever need

My throat is crushed with longing

Should I just assume it is you?

To stand properly should I just hum the old new tune?

Walk the tenderly crushed mile

Wait for the dark and close all lights

Look for you and pack my disappointment behind my skull

Breathe the rust and go back to looking for signs?

Imagine something out of desperate guilt

When you were here I could never tilt

Now the frame is broken and I have to close my eyes

To talk to you and see you

Better than your wooden frame breaking me from inside

For better or worse, just take it and let gloom rotten

This is worse than cancer or forced betrayal

Wearing your clothes to hold your smell tight

Picture you everywhere, coexist with you in my mind

Everything of you is soft and dull including me

I cannot make do with sudden changes

I keep living because it is not my turn yet to cease

I look at the sky to talk to you

Why did you not take me with you?

With my words locked in a vault

Everything stuffed with you in your coffin

I know they are in a safe place

Everything I lived

Everything I envisioned

Everything I was

All that I wanted to be

Is now all yours

You took it with you

To your grave

And without knowing it

That was my parting gift

Something you can never compare

Something I would never wish for you to bare

A plane glass I cannot see through

Floating in the fluid pouring from the veins of the person I wish to hold

Who left this universe, regardless of its mysteries and mystical wounds

I am unsure of my will,

Just how I am unsure of my life

Today I am walking

Tomorrow I might be gone before the light

Some days I float

Some nights I am still

Most moments I am in mourning

Some mornings I cannot get up,

It is dangerously ill

I prefer being undone that way

Laying in the stillness of nothing

Finding calm in the water of absence

Getting lost in the oblivion that is dark black colour paint

I stay still, I do not move or flinch

Reeking of morbidity

I fail to be the sunshine the flowers pour

At times I am the scratched wall, ruined mind, cursed shed, and broken daylight.

I scream but it never gets heard,

it never leaves my throat

Its echoes stab my skull

I have lost with no retrievable gain

My tragedies shed ounces of hope for me

I do not live in disdain always

Serenity is a myth

And for me living in my mind is my drug

To escape reality, to live, to be free and not kill

I do not find unhappiness loving

Nor is it my way to cope

I will flinch when I see love, possibly run away

But I will not fear and hide when life takes something else that is beloved to me

I am my most calm when I am not thinking

When a disturbingly heavy blanket is thrown on me

It shuts my waves

I will still breathe and wake up to another tomorrow

I will do it for my faces

I will shine, I will disappear, I will join the sky

I will fly with no cause, I will thrive

I will make it alright for everyone to see me soar

I will be your strength, return with no wars

I will turn into dust to join the light.

And my essence that you gave

Your blood running in my veins

My eyes and other features like our rage

My smile that's gone to dust

And my ability to hold on and trust

You are where you always wanted to be

A small part of the big Godly dust

I hope the world carries you kindly

Swaddles you with warmth, the love you implied you never got here

I like to believe that you are out there

In another realm,

In another world,

My bones that you made are still standing me tall

My eyes scan every piece of sky I come across

I know you have moved on from this place

I only wish for your smile to never fade,

Like the white light you always wished to be,

One of the faiths I still clutch on to,

It is okay if you do not remember me

Because I refuse to believe you are free by letting go of me

And I'm me

Where do we go to be free?

Where do we belong when our ashes turn to dust?

How do I know I will be holding your hand for sure?

Am I just going to be a tiny dust in Saturn's wings?

If there's no hell nor heaven,

Where do you and I meet?