It’s no secret that we here at Rule of Three are big fans of the “rule of three.” The rule, which posits that “. . .a trio of entities such as examples, events, or characters is more satisfying, effective, or humorous than other numbers, hence also more memorable, because it combines both brevity and rhythm with the smallest amount of information needed to create a pattern,” according to Wikipedia, has had a significant influence upon the brand identity of this weekly column.

Application of the rule surfaces in literature (Three Little Pigs); vintage TV shows (The Three Stooges); and religious teachings (Father, Son, and Holy Ghost), in addition to myriad instances in pop culture.

But what about the business world? Does the concept of the rule of three appear in business interactions, transactions and reactions (didja’ notice how I deftly wove the rule into this question itself? Clever, no?)?

Well, the “3 P’s of marketing” include: product, price and promotion (the “4 P’s of marketing” adds “place”; the “5 P’s of marketing adds “people”; the “6 P’s of marketing” adds “process”; the “7 P’s of marketing adds “physical evidence”; the “8 P’s of marketing adds “performance” - at this point, the AI engine seemed to be taunting me, insisting, “Hey man, bring it, I can go all day.” So, I threw down the gauntlet - my next ask was the “100 P’s of marketing”, stepping back from my laptop with a self-satisfied smirk on my face. And, do you know what that self-righteous bastard came back with? With a straight face, it retorted: “AI Summary: 100 p’s of marketing: The concept of the 100 P’s of marketing expands on traditional marketing frameworks by incorporating a wide range of elements that influence marketing strategies. This comprehensive approach allows businesses to consider various factors beyond the classic 4 P’s (Product, Price, Place, Promotion) to enhance their marketing effectiveness.” Well-played, AI engine, well-played). For obvious reasons, we’ll stick with the 3 P’s.

Consumer products provide differentiation in terms of design features, quality and size. In stratifying product lines, marketers offer “good”, “better” and “best” products, presenting consumers with a choice. These varieties are sometimes referred to as “standard” products, “deluxe” products and “superior” products. Credit card companies play this game, serving up gold cards, silver cards, platinum cards and (gulp!) titanium cards.

Size, as it turns out, matters when it comes to products. Products are typically offered in small, medium and large sizes, although a certain beverage purveyor goes to great lengths to obfuscate the issue by touting its “tall”, “grande” and “venti” portions (huh?).

Naturally, these products featuring varying levels of bells and whistles (early automobiles likely did offer different bells and whistles) created the opportunity to price products differently - think, “discount” pricing; “standard” pricing and “premium” pricing.

As a fan of the AMC TV show Mad Men, it occurs to me that brand marketing messaging might be rife with rule of three elements, you know, because of the whole “. . .more satisfying, effective, or humorous than other numbers, hence also more memorable. . .” thing.

Some of the most memorable advertising taglines ever, culled from a variety of “Best” articles housed on the internet include three words: “Just Do It” (Nike); “I Want You” (U.S. Army); “I’m Lovin’ It” (McDonald’s); “Share a Coke” (Coca-Cola); “Get a Mac” (Apple); “Is Pepsi OK?” (Pepsi-Cola); “We Try Harder” (Avis); “Where’s the Beef?” (Wendy’s); “Built Ford Tough” (Ford); “That Was Easy” (Staples); “Snap! Crackle! Pop! (Kellogg’s Rice Krispies); “Finger Lickin’ Good” (Kentucky Fried Chicken); “Breakfast of Champions” (Wheaties); and “Let’s Go Places” (Toyota). Don Draper would be proud.

A recent announcement by Kraft Heinz, a corporate colossus created in 2015 by the merger of two iconic U.S. companies (What’s that? You don’t recall which two iconic companies? C’mon man, it’s right there in the name!), indicated that they would be reorganizing into three geographic regions: North America; Europe and Pacific Developed Markets; and Emerging Markets. This strategic development comes on the heels of a late 2025 reveal in which they suggested that they would be carving themselves up into two distinct, publicly traded companies (wait, isn’t that what they were back in 2015?). Ah well, corporate strategies come and go; we’re just delighted that they came to their senses and landed on three, rather than two components.

Another function in which companies have dabbled in “three-istics” is when it comes to employees. That’s right, a concept called “topgrading” became popular back in the 1980’s and 1990’s at General Electric. The practice involved sorting employees into three different buckets: “A Players”, who were tasked with challenging projects and groomed for professional advancement; “B Players”, who were largely ignored and left alone to accomplish the sort of mundane, daily tasks apparently required to be performed within large, multinational corporations; and “C Players”, who were fed table scraps and encouraged to quit and go to work across the street at McDonald’s. Labor unions were likely not big fans of this management practice.

Perhaps it’s appropriate to conclude this analysis of use of the rule of three in business settings by sharing the classic “Three Envelope Story” - I have lifted this version from stewartleadership.com - stop me if you’ve heard it before (I’m just kidding, you can’t stop me, bwaah, haah, haah!):

A new CEO, first day on the job, walks in through the front door. He is greeted by another person who is carrying a box and on his way out. The man steps in front of him, takes out three envelopes, hands them over, and says, “You might want these sometime.” The new CEO says, “Okay,” and the guy takes off. Heading up to his office, he asks, “By the way, who was that?” They tell him, “Oh, that was the old CEO.” And he thinks, “Huh, okay. That’s interesting.”

At the end of his first day, sitting in his office, he goes through his desk and finds the envelopes. He puts them in a front drawer and forgets about them. Months go by. Things aren’t going very well. Month three, month four, ten o’clock at night, he’s alone in his office thinking, “What am I going to do?” Then he remembers the envelopes from the old CEO. He opens the one marked number one. There’s a little note inside, and it says: blame the old CEO. He thinks, “That’s it. Everything going wrong right now is because of previous decisions. It’s because of that old guy, the person who had the job before me.” So he gets active, making it very clear to his new team that none of this was his fault, that it was all because of the people before him.

Another three or four months go by. Again, ten o’clock at night, by himself. This isn’t going well. He opens the second envelope. It says: reorg. “That’s it. I’ll reorganize the company. I’ll shift things around.” He gets out a piece of paper and starts redesigning, and he starts communicating: “This is where we need to go. Let me reorganize.” Six months, eight months, nine months of activity, energy all around. We can all relate to this a little.

Almost twelve months later, ten o’clock at night, still not doing well. Things just aren’t clicking. He opens the third envelope, takes out the piece of paper, and it says: write another three envelopes.

There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere, and we should pay heed to it, assuming that we can figure out what the hell it means.

Honorable mention: 3M, Fifth Third Bank and Three Dog Night (I know the last one is the name of a rock band which was around in the 1960’s and 1970’s, but, I have to imagine that somewhere down the line the band became incorporated, so I think it counts).

If there were a fourth envelope it might say, "Subscribe now to Rule of Three - simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!"  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

Everything’s for sale these days. Naming rights have been sold for sports venues, university buildings and public facilities. And for big money too. The right to slap the name on SoFi Stadium in Los Angeles cost $625 million for a twenty year commitment. Who is SoFi, you ask?

I’m glad you asked, because I didn’t know what it was either. Apparently, SoFi (shorthand for Social Finance) is a so-called “fintech” organization (financial technology corporation), which was founded in 2011, and began its existence by providing low-interest student loans (given this column’s apparent burning desire to abbreviate things, perhaps we should refer to such loans as “StuLos”) to Stanford University graduates. They subsequently expanded their offerings to include many loan and investment vehicles traditionally provided by banks. They have no physical bank branches, which enabled them to spend $625 million for the right to display their name on the stadium in Los Angeles. Bricks and mortar cost money, my friends. You know what doesn’t cost money? Zero bricks and zero mortar.

How often do you stop in at your local bank branch? Almost never, if you’re like me; I’m more likely to pop in to SoFi Stadium than to a local bank branch, and I live in Pittsburgh and haven’t visited Los Angeles in nearly fifteen years. And yet, bank branches are mushrooming around the country. My Substack colleague, Henny Heimenz, who produces a delightful newsletter, including a podcast, called Silent Punt, penned a very funny piece recently on this topic - you should read it - a link to that article is helpfully placed here: Silent Punt.

But this week’s column is not about naming rights which can be purchased. No, we feel we covered that ground pretty thoroughly in a column Rule of Three published a few years ago, including learning that a friend working in a development role for a local university sold the naming rights for. . .an elevator. . .

No, the focus of today’s column are those buildings and landmarks which are named in honor of individuals, acknowledging their significance and their personal accomplishments.

There’s been much debate recently about Donald Trump’s desire to have his name affixed to, well, everything. An airport in West Palm Beach, Florida was recently renamed “President Donald J. Trump International Airport,” although I have to imagine that Uber drivers are instructed simply to, “Please take me to the airport,” rather than recounting that mouthful of a name. And, there is the ongoing saga to attach his name to Kennedy Center, previously known as “The John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts,” for which again, I believe Uber drivers are asked to ferry their passengers to Kennedy Center - shorthand is truly an American thing.

Trump’s name and face have been plastered on many things, according to an article published by Time magazine, in April of this year. Those things include: limited edition passports; commemorative gold coins (he does like his gold plating), and plans for an actual $1.00 coin; banners on federal agency buildings; a government website developed to help Americans buy discounted prescriptions (TrumpRx); U.S. battleships; the U.S. Institute of Peace (ironic, no?); national parks passes; plans for his signature to appear on U.S. currency; investment accounts for babies (“Trump Accounts”); “gold cards” (again with the gold), which apparently extend to card purchasers green card privileges (huh?); and stimulus checks. He also apparently sought to rebrand D.C.’s Dulles Airport and New York City’s Penn Station with his name.

Supporters of Trump hail these initiatives as “courageous,” “norm-busting” and a “game of multi-dimensional chess”; his detractors suggest that his actions are “authoritarian,” “demagogic” and perhaps, illegal.

Who’s to say? As usual, Rule of Three prefers to distance itself from this scrum, deferring to other pundits who are much better equipped to foster reasonable discussion regarding this topic.

Landmarks which have been renamed in honor of individuals include: airports (Arnold Palmer Regional Airport, in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, named in honor of a famous golfer is but one example); parks (Grant Park and Lincoln Park in Chicago, are two examples, named for our 18th and 16th presidents, respectively); streets (turning again to Chicago, I can think of Pulaski Road (named for Casimir Pulaski, a Polish hero of the American Revolutionary War), Wacker Drive (named for Charles Wacker, a brewer and city planner associated with implementing Daniel Burnham’s 1909 development plan); and twelve of the first thirteen presidents who are memorialized with street names in Chicago’s Loop area (John Adams’ son, John Quincy Adams, our sixth president, does not have a street named in his honor - I guess city planners thought that would be redundant).

In addition, buildings (Dirksen Senate Office Building); cities (Columbus, Ohio); mountains (Everest); rivers (Hudson), bridges (Roberto Clemente); museums (Andy Warhol), schools (Martin Luther King, Jr.); fountains (Buckingham) and of course, monuments (they’re everywhere, man!) have all received the “personal branding” treatment.

These honors have served to preserve the legacy of these respected individuals. And, it’s got me thinking about my own legacy. As it turns out, there is an elementary school in Independence, Missouri by the name of William Southern Elementary, named not in my honor, but to recognize my great-grandfather’s brother (great-great-uncle, perhaps?), who founded the Independence Examiner, a daily newspaper, in 1898. . .

Rule of Three featured that William Southern in a column published several years ago (Ed. note: We pointed out to the (potentially) award-winning columnist that today’s column has already included two links to previously-published columns, and that reflecting a link to a third definitely exceeded the limits of good taste, but he countered that, as one of those links is to another columnist’s article, technically this link is only the second one regarding Rule of Three. As you can see, we lost that editorial battle.). . .

What about Rule of Three itself? Of course, there are the more than three hundred (and counting) weekly columns published since its founding in August, 2020. We’d like to believe that this treasure-trove will last forever, and that scholars, researchers and societal misfits will find themselves turning to this valuable archive over and over, in an effort to amuse themselves and others.

But, recognizing the ephemeral nature of our content, we believe that we need something more tangible, such as a bridge, or a fountain or a monument. Hell, we’d settle for a tree, or a bench or a Zamboni. . .

Have you cemented your legacy yet?  Subscribe to Rule of Three now in order to receive weekly suggestions regarding reinforcing your personal brand - simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

In August we’re celebrating the sixth birthday of Rule of Three. That’s right, according to an A.I. query, we can expect “. . .significant growth in physical, cognitive, social, and emotional areas. They become more independent, develop better motor skills, and start to engage in more complex social interactions.” Here’s hoping. . .

On the other hand, we’re also marking six years of what God has put together (and letting no man put asunder), having joined together the ability to conduct extremely superficial research with a snarky attitude and an indifference to the acknowledged rules of grammar.

Quite a conundrum.

Is this a birthday we are celebrating, or an anniversary?

As you know, Rule of Three’s grand tradition, upon marking the milestone of one more year of faithful weekly publishing of the (potentially) award-winning column, is to reach into its archives and retrieve a copy of a previously-published column, dust it off and publish it again, for your reading pleasure. Given the debate raging about whether we are celebrating a birthday or an anniversary, it seems only appropriate to share two such archived columns: one regarding anniversaries and the other pertaining to birthdays. Enjoy. . .

Regardless of where you land on the “Is it a birthday, or is it an anniversary?” debate, I think we can all agree that there should be cake. A.I. has generously served up the following confection for us all to enjoy. . .

Thankfully, I can think of no additional complications to this issue for the foreseeable future. Perhaps when we celebrate thirteen years of publishing Rule of Three, the inscription on the cake might need to add, “. . .and, Congratulations on Your Bar Mitzvah!” And, two years later, appending, “. . .and Happy Quinceanera!” to the birthday and anniversary greetings would likely be appropriate. We might need a bigger cake.

Hey, I know you're only here because you thought there would be cake.  But, why not subscribe now to Rule of Three so you can find out what other goodies might surface. Simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

I recently completed a thirty-five year professional assignment in the newspaper publishing business. My journey encompassed a number of U.S. markets, each of them, with the exception of a brief sojourn to El Paso, Texas, located east of the Mississippi River. This story can be most effectively shared by use of Rule of Three’s favorite storytelling device: iambic pentameter. Just kidding - Rule of Three, as you know, is quite fond of the “rule of three,” which, according to Wikipedia, suggests that, “. . .a trio of entities such as examples, events, or characters is more satisfying, effective, or humorous than other numbers, hence also more memorable, because it combines both brevity and rhythm with the smallest amount of information needed to create a pattern." With those marching orders firmly in place, let’s jump in.

My career path included stints with large metro daily newspapers; groups of suburban weekly newspapers; and a posting in a relatively rural setting, including offices housed in a former barn (in which we were advised by signs posted near sinks not to drink the water, due to excessive levels of arsenic - wait, what?)

My employers included large public corporations; smaller, privately-held organizations; and family-owned companies, which used to own many newspapers across the country. I was fortunate to have worked in organizations managed by visionary leaders; I also endured leadership by nefarious, corporate profit-mongers (Ed. note: “Mongers” by themselves are not necessarily bad - as an example, those who sell fish are sometimes referred to as fishmongers, cheese purveyors might be known as cheesemongers and an ironmonger is one who supplies iron goods - granted, these titles were more common in 19th-century England, but, still. . .Nowadays, you’re more likely to find “monger” attached to such things as: war, rumor, whore, and fear - each of these terms is decidedly more negative. In order to dispense with any confusion on the part of readers, understand that deployment of the word “monger” in this column is intended to express contempt. Also, seeking improved profit is not a bad thing, but when such efforts involve “mongering,” the businessperson in question has clearly violated Rule No. 2 (you know, the one that says, “Don’t be a douchebag.”); and those in-between, which captures the uninspiring, indifferent or incompetent managers. In fairness, I don’t believe that this lineup of leaders is unique to the newspaper business; as you reflect upon your own professional experiences, you might readily identify these archetypes in your business as well.

Relationships with former colleagues have yielded lasting friendship in some cases; the end of interactions with others (they were “work” friends, much like “school” friends from our childhood days, and the friendships didn’t translate to life outside work, or school); and, quickly shedding relationships with the Machiavellian characters with whom you wouldn’t have otherwise connected, except that you were colleagues for a while. Similarly, I think these types can be found in virtually every business operating today, including the halls of government; the mob; and religious orders.

The newspaper publishing business has been described at times as a “three-legged stool,” inasmuch as the cornerstone of the business historically has been its: professional journalism; advertising sales support; and circulation efforts (now more commonly known as “audience development.”)

You’ll notice that there is not a fourth leg in the lineup for the financial management function, the role in which I performed for thirty-five years. And yet, I consider myself to be an “ink-stained wretch,” a term which was coined by either Samuel Johnson, an 18th-century poet or 20th-century Canadian novelist Hugh Garner (what’s 200 years, among friends?)

I freely admit that, during those thirty-five years, I had zero articles or columns published in a newspaper, nor did I sell a single advertisement, nor did I sell a subscription or deliver a newspaper to anyone. In spite of that track record, I nonetheless felt a part of the team - the newspaper business has been unique in that regard - I was absolutely an ink-stained wretch.

And, I did volunteer to provide facility tours for schoolchildren for one of my employers, which included a visit to the pressroom, where the ink smell was quite powerful. The first tour I conducted ended with a session in which the kids attempted to construct a “pressman’s hat,” a boxlike hat expertly created by longtime printing press operators, made from newspapers. That task added about an hour to the tour commitment; having learned a valuable lesson that day, subsequent tours ended with the gift of a newspaper and printed instructions regarding how to craft a pressman’s hat in the comfort of your own home. . .

I dare say most of my journalist colleagues never set foot in the pressroom - perhaps that makes me more of an ink-stained wretch than they were. By the way, are you glad I didn’t use the shorthand “Journos” to describe journalists? I’m similarly chagrined by headline writers using “Stenos,” “Mafiosos” and “Gitmo” in order to save space (yes, I recognize that “Gitmo” is not a profession, but rather is a notorious detention facility in Cuba - the abbreviation still bugs me.) Let’s restrict our gratuitous use of the letter “o” to the grocery store aisles: Cheerios, SpaghettiO’s and Oreos.

One of the first things I always did when I arrived at a new newspaper operation in a new city was to subscribe to my employer’s newspaper - gotta’ support the team, you know? Having completed my thirty-five year assignment, I took the opportunity to scale back my subscriptions to digital delivery only - no more printed newspapers. I maintain a digital subscription to The New York Times and also have a digital subscription to a local daily newspaper. That distinction means that I am no longer an ink-stained wretch, per a separate definition, one that delights my wife, who had long ago grown tired of cleaning up ink stains affixed to every surface in our house. Also, no more trips to the driveway to retrieve the plastic bag-encased newspaper, sometimes a sodden mess, given heavy rain and a painfully-thin plastic bag.

If you find yourself in Pittsburgh, please stop by the Rule of Three offices for a tour. As indicated above, we scrupulously maintain an ink-free environment, and the souvenir hats provided at the end of the tour require no additional assembly. . .

Subscribing now to Rule of Three will not turn you into an ink-stained wretch - it's entirely digital.  Simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

I’ve long believed that major league baseball managers receive far too much of the credit when their team performs well, and far too much of the blame when their team does not perform well. In spite of the fact that these older gentlemen are suited up, ready to play, they generally do not participate on the field of play. No, it’s the players who directly influence the outcome of the game.

Similarly, I believe that U.S. presidents receive too much credit when things are going well economically, and too much blame when the economy is not performing. Was Bill Clinton an economic genius because the economy performed relatively well during his time in the White House? Was Jimmy Carter an economic failure because inflation was white-hot during his time as president? I think at least part of the result is driven by the vicissitudes of economic cycles.

And, how about the jockeys in the Kentucky Derby? They are rewarded for guiding their horse to victory, but what role have they played in the horse’s success? Admittedly, they contribute more to the outcome of the race than the owner of the horse, whose main role is to write checks. Yet they all end up posing in the Winner’s Circle.

One example of praise and blame being properly placed is in the realm of columns crafted by an (potentially) award-winning columnist; the success or failure of a particular column to resonate with readers is entirely attributable to the piece itself, which emanates from the tip of his pen (well actually, there is no pen involved, a keyboard is the tool used, but you get the idea).

As Rule of Three is more of a “glass half empty” organization, it probably won’t surprise you that we intend to focus on the blame piece of the equation rather than the praise component.

The question of whether or not blame is warranted is not terribly relevant. The opportunity exists for deflection, distraction and diversion (and, any other “d” word you can think of) as each of us is faced with blame for something gone wrong.

Allow me to explain.

At any given point in time there are global dynamics which are significant and far-reaching in scope, and which appear to present existential threats to society as we know it. A current example of such a threat is artificial intelligence (AI). AI is charged with the crimes of eliminating scores of jobs, homogenizing discourse and enabling users to easily create ridiculous AI-generated memes. . .

Virtually any transgression can be blamed on AI: Economic collapse? AI. New wars? AI. The Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce wedding? AI.

See what I mean? But AI is not the first ever, all-purpose blame magnet. Not by a long shot. Remember Y2K? According to experts (and, by experts I mean your cousin, Bobby), that millennial event was responsible for power grid loss, healthcare failures and microwave clocks blinking “12:00” forever. Also, economic collapse, new wars and the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce wedding.

Another popular scapegoat is global warming, which can be tagged with resulting in extreme weather events, rising sea levels and the tragic loss of beachfront property in Malibu. Also, economic collapse, new wars and the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce wedding.

The recent pandemic (and also the previous pandemic from more than a hundred years ago) is directly responsible for significant loss of human life, educational disruption and the unexpected dramatic increase in sourdough bread baking activity. Also, economic collapse, new wars and the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce wedding.

The Cold War era spawned geopolitical shakeups, a growing chasm in governing ideology and neck pain caused by schoolchildren crouching beneath desks in schoolrooms. Also, economic collapse, new wars and the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce wedding.

This next one goes back a ways in history, but from what we’re able to glean from reporting, it was a pretty significant challenge to the future of mankind: the Bubonic Plague (a/k/a “Black Death”). If cable news networks had been in existence in the 14th century, they would no doubt have reported on widespread poverty, labor shortages and enhanced brand recognition of rats. Also, economic collapse, new wars and the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce wedding.

Nuclear reactor accidents have included: Three Mile Island in 1979, Chernobyl in 1986 and Fukushima in 2011; in addition, there have been numerous, less-publicized incidents. The fear, realized to some degree, was that the release of deadly radiation into the atmosphere would cause severe negative health and environmental effects. There have been recorded increases in cancer rates, lasting environmental damage and increased investment in alternative energy sources such as solar, wind and hydroelectricity, due to the nuclear energy industry’s public relations issues (you know, those pesky nuclear reactor accidents).

Wars fought throughout recorded history exceed three thousand conflicts, measured over 3,400 years, an average of nearly one war per year. Certainly the blame for a good many injustices have been ascribed to wartime activities; there have been atrocities (e.g. the Holocaust), but lesser offenses have also likely been tossed into the “Hey, it was wartime” pool. As but one example, a significant global conflict, World War II, resulted in lasting changes in the world order, including: the emergence of the United States as a true superpower, the establishment of the United Nations, dedicated to peace and cooperation among nations and creation of a women’s professional baseball league. Also, economic collapse, new wars and the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce wedding.

Now if you didn’t find this Rule of Three column enlightening, engaging and entertaining we would point out that it’s not our fault - no, it’s either the fault of: AI, Y2K, global warming, the pandemic, the Cold War, the Bubonic Plague, nuclear reactor accidents or war - take your pick from that array of scapegoats discussed, or identify for us an alternative scapegoat in the comments section below.

If you didn't enjoy today's Rule of Three column, perhaps it's your own fault, for not subscribing.  To rectify that problem right now, simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

The state of Vermont appears to be having an identity crisis. Signs like the one pictured atop this column appear everywhere in Vermont, or at least in the Montpelier/Waterbury area which we visited recently. The problem is that during the nearly five days we spent there, we did not see a single moose.

We traveled to Vermont to spend time with our granddaughter, June, and her parents. We had a delightful time, learning everything there is to know about puffins (thanks, June!) and were able to cool off during this global heatwave in what was purported to be the world’s largest asphalt swimming pool, the municipal swimming pool in Montpelier. Adhering to professional journalistic standards, I Googled “Does Montpelier, Vermont’s swimming pool have asphalt?” The answer was that it does not have an asphalt surface (although I can personally vouch for the fact that the surrounding surface is, in fact, asphalt), but it does bear several unique characteristics, including that it was financed by FDR’s “New Deal” program, and retains its bowl-shaped, oval design, and includes a diving platform and a raft.

But, back to the moose issue. According to wildlifeinformer.com, there are thirty-one states which do not host a single moose; admittedly, Vermont is not one of those states. But it does not crack the top ten in the remaining nineteen states. Alaska tops the list with an estimated 175,000-200,000 moose (by the way, the plural of moose is moose, not mooses, Also, its fellow denizen of the forest, the deer, similarly does not add an “s” when there are multiple deer in attendance. And don’t get me started on the plural of money - yes, Merriam-Webster acknowledges that sometimes “monies,” or, God forbid, “moneys” surfaces in discussions about sums of money, but, unless you work for the Fed, I will not countenance your use of either of those so-called plural nouns).

And, before you perform your own Googling, no, moose do not outnumber people in the state of Alaska: there are approximately 740,000 people who reside in Alaska, suggesting a ratio of roughly four people to every moose. By contrast, Vermont’s population of around 640,000 people vastly exceeds the estimated moose population of 2,100.

So, why is it that Vermont tries so hard to connect its brand to the moose? I mean, they’ve got maple syrup, Ben & Jerry’s (saluted in a Rule of Three column published a year ago). . .

. . .and Bernie Sanders amongst their iconic lineup of Vermont-centric characteristics. And yet, what official slogan has Vermont adopted? No, not “Land of the Moose.” They haven’t taken that bold step just yet, although they certainly seem to be inching their way toward it. Their slogan is “The Green Mountain State,” likely the most avaricious slogan included among the fifty U.S. states, no doubt reflecting a sizable sponsorship agreement inked with Green Mountain Coffee, based in Vermont.

What’s that? The slogan was in place before the coffee roaster was founded? And, it apparently has something to do with the lush, forest-covered mountains ubiquitous in Vermont? And, perhaps connects to the legend of the “Green Mountain Boys” militia group active during Revolutionary War days? Well then, never mind. . .

Wait a minute, weren’t the “Green Mountain Boys” led by Ethan Allen? Who inspired the founding of a high-quality furniture manufacturing company? I knew there was a sponsorship deal buried in there somewhere.

So what if Vermont is seeking to rebrand itself, and views the moose as a solid choice to reflect its carefree, happy-go-lucky lifestyle?

History is jam-packed with dreamers who aspire to achieve something different, something more, something special. Martin Luther King, Jr. is clearly the leader in the clubhouse when it comes to dreams. But, where would we be without JFK and his dream of placing a man on the moon, or Jonas Salk (and, Albert Sabin) with their dreams of curing polio or George Santos and his dream of being awarded the Nobel Prize, and starring for the New York Yankees, and marrying Taylor Swift, and leading JPMorgan Chase, and starring in a remake of Citizen Kane and. . .well, sometimes dreams are simply manifestations of severe mental health issues.

Rule of Three’s Dreams & Aspirations Development department spent time considering what might be considered the most consequential issues of our time, and dreaming about how solutions can be developed to advance mankind. Preliminary outlines include:

• High Gasoline Prices - a simple solution to this problem presents itself: end the fucking war!

• TV Shows Appear on Different Streaming Platforms - how many times have you settled in to watch a hot TV show, but discover that it is presented on a streaming platform to which you do not have access? Or, more likely you had access in the past, but canceled your subscription because, all told, you were paying $250.00 per month for various streaming platforms, and needed to reduce cost? Perhaps a streaming consortium could be created in which each member subscribes to a streaming service and shares access with the other members - i.e. one subscribes to Netflix, one subscribes to Amazon Prime Video, one subscribes to Paramount+, one subscribes to Peacock, etc. . .It’s kinda’ like jumping your son’s Peacock subscription, but more organized.

• Traffic - let’s face it, there’s no good reason for traffic backups. Sure, merging of two lanes into one oftentimes results in traffic backups, but that process needn’t cause slowdowns, and construction activity can also slow traffic flow and accidents, whether blocking lanes or simply gawker-related delays also occur. The solution, and I’m willing to play a pivotal role here, is to simply never leave the house - problem solved.

Vermont dreams about the moose. What is it you dream about? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Perhaps you aspire to subscribe to Rule of Three, but have not yet made it happen.  Simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

Old guys like free stuff. It doesn’t matter if it’s something they need or want. They just like the idea of getting something for free, or for less than younger people pay.

The most popular senior discounts offered right now, according to wealthvieu.com (what kind of ridiculous wordplay is that website name, by the way?), include: 50% off Amazon Prime membership (limited to SNAP recipients, so I’m not sure that can be characterized as a senior discount); Kohl’s and Ross Dress for Less retailers, 15% off and 10% off, respectively - the Kohl’s discount is only available on Wednesdays, the Ross discount is only available on Tuesdays, so seniors can plan their weekly shopping trips accordingly; Michael’s, an arts and crafts store, with a 10% discount (an excellent plan, because seniors have plenty of time for arts and crafts activities, although a visit to their website just now revealed a 60% discount on all Christmas trees (“Christmas in July”) - if you can do it on Christmas trees, you can do it on other stuff too, man! I mean, c’mon, 10%? That’s hardly worth putting on pants for); Goodwill, 10% to 30% off (umm, aren’t items in Goodwill stores priced at like 10-cents on the dollar, to begin with? You’re telling me that seniors are so starved for a discount that they’re willing to shakedown Goodwill for a few extra nickels?); Rite-Aid, exclusive offers, but only on the first Wednesday of each month (wait, isn’t Wednesday the day I’m going to Kohl’s? I can’t do both, man.); Valvoline, 15% off oil changes (hopefully, the Valvoline attendants perform an eye test to determine that the driver is capable of safely operating a motor vehicle before providing this service, and they’re willing to take away their car keys, if necessary); Walmart Plus membership, $40 discount (in case you’re wondering what benefits accrue to Walmart Plus members, Rule of Three’s research team uncovered the following: unlimited free delivery (okay); fuel discounts (uh-huh); exclusive deals (a little nebulous, no?); and future benefits (alright, now you’re just saying words); a lifetime pass for $80 to all National Parks (sure, but we’re talking about seniors here - if you really wanted to provide a meaningful benefit, make that offer to toddlers - now, that would really be worth something - call it a “Future Senior Discounted Pass”); a 10% discount on Amtrak fares (wait, Amtrak still exists?); Hertz and Avis discounts (the Avis discount is more generous than the Hertz discount, of course, because. . .Avis tries harder);

and AT&T and T-Mobile, who offer discounted costs per line (because seniors are the only ones left who actually use phones as phones).

A key business category in which a significant number of establishments appear to offer senior discounts is restaurants. Wealthvieu.com cites thirty restaurants, including such household names as: Bubba Gump Shrimp, Carrabba’s Italian Grill, Chick-fil-A, Chili’s, Dairy Queen, Denny’s, Einstein Bros. Bagels, Fuddruckers, IHOP, McDonald’s, Moe’s Southwest Grill, Outback Steakhouse, Papa John’s Pizza and Red Lobster. Most appear to offer 10% discounts, in an apparent attempt to price-match Michael’s.

Grocery stores are also represented on wealthvieu.com’s list, although none of the nine grocery stores listed are included on scrapehero.com’s list of “10 Largest grocery chains in the United States in 2026.” What’s the matter big guys, you don’t like old guys, who, as we’ve pointed out, like free stuff?

In addition to the car-rental business cases reflected above, other companies involved in travel activities offer senior discounts, including airlines and hotels, although such discounts appear to be provided only when visiting certain locations. I have to imagine (Ed. note: Please, no calls or letters from chambers of commerce, or local public officials or travel agents complaining about this column - the views, thoughts and opinions expressed here are solely those of the (potentially) award-winning columnist, and do not necessarily express the official policy, position or opinions of Rule of Three.) that you could potentially enjoy tremendous discounts if traveling to Camden, New Jersey, or Trenton, New Jersey or Newark, New Jersey - purely a geographic coincidence that all three of these destinations are located in the “Garden State” of New Jersey.

As Rule of Three’s Membership Benefits department embarked on the journey to developing a world-class Senior Discount program, it first considered what level of discount would capture the attention of senior bargain-hunters. It was determined that a minimum level of a 25% discount was required; the team scoffed at 10% discounts - we’re looking at you, Michaels! I mean, the last thing we need is a bunch of old guys wandering around without pants.

Next, exhaustive research was conducted in order to identify those business segments which seniors were most passionate about, and thus, more excited about discounted pricing offered. You might imagine that this list would include things like bowling, golf, Hawaiian shirts, museums and water aerobics. But no, we were as surprised as you are to learn that seniors are clamoring for deals on:

• Single-malt scotch - our research pointed to overwhelming support for discounted pricing on the purchase of fine, single-malt scotch. Slaking the thirst of seniors with a 25% discount not only on Highland standouts such as: Glenmorangie, Dalmore and Oban brands, or Speyside favorites including: Macallan, Glenfiddich and The Balvenie, but also on peaty Islay choices including: Ardbeg, Lagavulin and (gasp!) Laphroaig would be a clear draw for seniors.

• NCAA Final Four Game Tickets - this is another distinct choice which surfaced in our research. Seniors love college hoops, and there is nothing more exciting than the final three games in the March Madness tournament, with the two semifinal games played on a Saturday in early April, and the final game played the following Monday night. Next year’s version of the Final Four will be held on April 3rd and 5th, at Detroit’s Ford Field venue. Needless to say, flights, hotel stays and dining must also be eligible for the 25% discount.

• New York Times - an annual subscription to the New York Times was indicated as a “must-have” in our research data. Such a subscription is quite pricey, even without a physical newspaper landing in the driveway. A 25% discount for valued senior readers would enable that core readership segment to remain educated, informed and entertained, which is preferable to encouraging them to become ignorant, indolent and irascible (or, any one of hundreds of “i” words which imply uselessness) - our society is currently oversubscribed on citizens possessing those traits.

• Diet Coke - it might be surprising that this list includes two quite distinct beverage choices, but seniors in our research were quite emphatic that excluding Diet Coke from the lineup was a non-starter. And, at $11.99 for a 12-pack today, this cost has shifted into uncomfortable, unaffordable territory. So, c’mon Coca-Cola Company, step up and join the Rule of Three Senior Discount Program.

So now that we’ve identified the primary targets for involvement in Rule of Three’s Senior Discount Program, it’s on the shoulders of the Partnership Development team to secure those deals, and any other products and services which merit inclusion in the program. If you believe that our research has somehow fallen short of the mark, or perhaps did not include a large enough cohort of senior survey responders or you have identified additional products and services which should be included in the lineup of discount options, please feel free to share your thoughts with us in the comments section below.

There's no need for Rule of Three to participate in Rule of Three's Senior Discount Program - it's free, man!  Simply type your email address below to subscribe.  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

ABC’s Wide World of Sports (WWOS) debuted in 1961 and aired thru 1997. As a youngster in the 1970’s I recall many a Saturday afternoon spent watching the show, hosted primarily by Jim McKay, and including such heavyweight sports reporters and announcers as: Curt Gowdy, Frank Gifford, Howard Cosell, Chris Economaki, Bill Flemming, Keith Jackson, Jim Lampley, Al Michaels, Brent Musburger, Chris Schenkel and Jack Whitaker.

Who can forget the iconic opening segment?. . .

. . .the thrill of victory... and the agony of defeat, as personified by Slovenian ski jumper Vinko Bogataj, in a fateful 1970 ski jump crash.

Although WWOS featured many mainstream sporting events, including: the British Open (which the Brits obstinately refer to as “The Open”, as if they invented golf), Le Mans Grand Prix, Indianapolis 500, World Figure Skating Championship, the Preakness, Monaco Grand Prix, the Belmont, Kentucky Derby and the Tour de France, I remember most vividly those quirky sports, and sports-adjacent events that were a staple of WWOS programming.

Its initial program in 1961 provided coverage of the Penn Relays and the Drake Relays. That’s right, track and field events. By its third year, the Little League World Series had been added to the lineup. One afternoon in 1964 included both Championship Tarpon Fishing from Big Pine Key, Florida and National Ice Boat Racing from Green Lake, Wisconsin - that is quite a combination!

Now, I don’t remember Big Pine Key, Florida or Green Lake, Wisconsin being burned into my consciousness, but several other locations do resonate with me: Petaluma, California and Williamsport, Pennsylvania are just two examples. The former was the site of the World Wristwrestling Championships (sports-adjacent), and the latter is the home of the aforementioned Little League World Series (sports, albeit with youngsters). Without WWOS returning to those locations year after year, nobody would have ever heard of those places.

Other unique sporting events covered by WWOS included: World Barrel Jumping Championships, Trout Fishing Exhibition, All-American Soap Box Derby, Oklahoma Live Rattlesnake Event, Old Man of Hoy Rock Climb, the World Cup final game of 1970 (Brazil vs. Italy, a title won by Brazil, with Pele on the team - we stand corrected, WWOS was not entirely above broadcasting World Cup games, including a reprise in 1982, for the final, won by Italy over West Germany), Mr. Universe contest, Great Pool Shootout (a matchup of Minnesota Fats and Willie Mosconi at the Waldorf Astoria in 1978) and the Ironman Triathlon. A particular favorite of mine was the logging competition, in which participants, who may, or may not have been actual lumberjacks competed in pole-climbing, sawing, chopping and logrolling events.

A staple of 1970’s WWOS shows was the La Quebrada Cliff Divers, a group of divers based in Acapulco. Watching these intrepid divers ascend the cliffs in order to leap into the sea below (a dive appropriately timed in order to ensure deep enough water in which to land) was engaging TV-watching.

The 1970’s also featured seemingly weekly visits on WWOS with Muhammad Ali (sports), Evil Knievel (sports-adjacent) and the Harlem Globetrotters (sports, with a heavy dose of entertainment). This sports sampler served as a palate cleanser for my steady diet of watching Chicago Cubs baseball games on WGN virtually every day during summertime.

WWOS also became a de facto news organization, while covering the 1972 Summer Olympic Games in Munich. McKay and his colleagues provided the initial reporting, and comprehensive coverage regarding the capture of and subsequent murder of eleven Israeli athletes at the Games by a Palestinian terrorist group. Kinda’ puts wristwrestling in perspective, doesn’t it?

So, why do we believe that WWOS wouldn’t jump at the chance to broadcast World Cup games, especially here on United States soil?

Those games go on forever (including “extra time”), and don’t always deliver the required thrill of victory (you know, the tie game thing). And Americans just don’t seem all that interested in the sport the rest of the world knows as football. Not to mention U.S. government attempts to influence the outcome of games.

But I believe the final word belongs to The Simpsons, which attempted to interpret the soccer phenomenon for its audience in an episode of their award-winning show. . .

I think ABC’s Wide World of Sports would endeavor to avoid. . .the agony of defeat.

Subscribing to Rule of Three doesn't entitle you to access to viewing World Cup games - that may be a negative or a positive for you - simply type your email address below to subscribe to Rule of Three - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

In response to my query to an AI engine, I learned that “Columnists often recycle their columns, especially if they are on staff.” AI went on to say, “This practice can involve reprinting previously published pieces in different formats, such as books or online platforms. However, permission from the publication may be required for reprints, particularly for staff writers. Additionally, some columnists may adapt older columns to fit current events or trends, providing fresh perspectives while utilizing existing content.”

While that information is certainly helpful, I’m not convinced that it adequately covers all potential column recycling actions. What if, hypothetically, an (potentially) award-winning columnist were pressed for time to produce his (potentially) award-winning weekly column in a given week, due perhaps to personal travel plans? Wouldn’t he also be well within his rights to publish a previously published column, without receiving any negative backlash from his readers, editors and Internet trolls (actually, Internet trolls are probably going to continue to spew their vile, venomous vitriol (note the use of the rare ‘triple-V’ modifier here) regardless of what content is featured).

In that spirit, below is a column previously published by Rule of Three in April, 2022. The travel theme of the column is appropriate because, you know. . .

See America First

Things to know as you prepare to travel across America.

Bill Southern

Apr 02, 2022

As the weather begins to warm, the thoughts of many Americans turn once again to travel. And, what better travel experience is there than to visit one or more of our fifty states (plus the District of Columbia)? By the way, the recommended daily allowance of U.S. states to visit in a given summer, as developed by the travel coordination team here at Rule of Three, is. . .wait for it. . .you guessed it, three!

So, as a public service, we resolve to provide you with the necessary tools to mount a successful trip this summer to three delightful destinations. Since this is America, you have a choice, and needn’t feel limited to our three favorite states - we are sharing details on many of these options, and suggest that you choose those which most closely align with your desires.

We believe that the best way to learn about the mores of a state is to visit a random website, such as statesymbolsusa.org, and review its particulars. This particular random website contains forty-three distinct categories, ranging from “Amphibians” to “Vessels/Aircraft.” Admittedly, “We’re covering the universe from A to V/A” doesn’t roll off the tongue as slickly as “. . .from A to Z,” but, “you’ve got to play the hand you’re dealt,” or, “dance with the girl you brung,” or “wear the underwear that your grandmother gave to you as a gift last Christmas,” just to offer up a few hackneyed, old phrases relating to deploying the tools at hand - come to think of it, “deploying the tools at hand” might have been a better option than your grandmother’s underwear gift - I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson from this exercise.

In any event, since “Amphibians” was the first one on the list, the Rule of Three research team perused the details contained in this category, and discovered that only twenty-four states bothered with naming an official state amphibian, and most of them were some type of salamander or frog (I lump the lone “toad” representative into the frog category). The outlier here is New Hampshire’s “Red-spotted Newt,” which, even though the amphibian pictured here looks just like one of the eleven salamanders in the lineup, you’ve got to give them credit for originality. Perhaps a “newt” would have been a more logical choice for, say, Massachusetts - you know, given the Salem witch trials, the “eye of newt?”

In jumping to the last category listed, “Vessels/Aircraft,” (Do you flip to the last page of the book, upon just beginning to read it? I don’t, but I know some people who do - I think that tends to spoil the storytelling experience, but who am I to judge?) the twenty-three entries include pretty much what you might expect: sailing ships and aircraft. But, one that stood out for me was New Mexico’s representative, the hot air balloon; I’ve never been up in one of these, but it sounds like a cool thing to try. You’ll note that I didn’t tap the “lowest common denominator” joke afforded to me here, by suggesting that the District of Columbia would be a more logical home for the hot air balloon (you know, hot air?) - even I must step back and admire my restraint.

Upon examining a popular category, “Birds,” I reviewed the lineup of the sixty-three birds listed (Whoa! Wait a minute - sixty-three? It’s been a long time since third grade, when I think I learned the fifty states (plus D.C.), but I can’t recall the United States adding states since then - what did I miss? As it turns out, several states took the opportunity to name a bird, plus a turkey - I suppose, with an asterisk, because, as we learned from an iconic episode of the TV show WKRP in Cincinnati, which originally aired in 1978, turkeys cannot fly - clip attached below - I hope Roger Maris is cool with sharing the asterisk with turkeys), and, if you wanted to hazard a guess as to what your state’s bird was, a high-percentage guess would be the Cardinal, as six states claim it as their state bird. Although, ironically, Missouri, which is the home of the St. Louis Cardinals, didn’t opt for the cardinal, instead tapping the Eastern Bluebird, and the Bobwhite Quail - huh?

WKRP in Cincinnati Turkeys

In the “Dance/Music” category, fully twenty-four states reflect the square dance as their state’s representative (of fifty-eight entries) - Kentucky and Texas each stuffed the ballot-box with five and four entries, respectively, and several other states included multiple representatives. Thank God Kentucky and North Carolina helped to balance the ticket with clogging. Not a single governor has asked me, but if asked, I might suggest to them that this category is one which might benefit from a bit of a refresh, perhaps updating choices at least from the 18th or 19th century into at least the 20th century (“Say, honey, what do you say we step out for an evening of square dancing, or clogging?”).

I think one of the more instructive categories reviewed was “Sports.” Given the popularity of sports nationwide, you would think that this category might attract more entrants than the twenty-two represented, including multiple entries from Texas, who couldn’t decide between “Rodeo” and “Texas Round-Up 10K,” and Maryland, who, I’m sure, in a heated debate, couldn’t choose between “Lacrosse,” and “Jousting,” and “Walking” - that’s right, “Walking.” Alaska went with “Dog Mushing” (OK), and Colorado chose “Pack Burro Racing” (I’m sure that ESPN has covered the “Pack Burro Racing Championships” every year). Massachusetts landed on a mainstream sport, basketball, which makes sense, because Springfield, MA is actually the home of the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame. Oregon, meanwhile featured the much-more specific “Portland Trailblazers of 1990-1991,” which, if we’re honest, isn’t so much a sport, as a sports team - perhaps that state’s department of state symbols didn’t really understand the application guidelines. The final two nominees in my “Curious Sports Category Representatives” list are: “Fordsville Tug of War Championship” (Kentucky), and “Governor Aiken Bucktail Streamer” (Vermont) - hint: it’s a fly-fishing fly.

But, perhaps the penultimate harbinger of what to expect when visiting a particular state is the “State Nickname,” which ostensibly reflects a state’s attempt at branding itself, intended to foster state pride in its residents, and to attract visitors to spend their hard-earned money there. Many of these nicknames are familiar to us: “The Sunshine State” (Florida); “The Sunflower State” (Kansas); and “The Bluegrass State” (Kentucky). But, some others didn’t immediately resonate with me - perhaps you are more well-traveled than me. Here are some of the more obscure ones I encountered:

• “The Yellowhammer State” - apparently, this is a type of bird, although Alabama, which claims this nickname, didn’t think enough of this bird to name it their state bird - no, they went with the Northern Flicker (and, the ubiquitous Asterisked Turkey) instead.

• “The Natural State” - it isn’t readily apparent if Arkansas is attempting to brand itself as a clothing-optional sanctuary, or if they instead intend to maintain their territory unsullied by such encumbrances as buildings, and running water, and people.

• “The Pelican State” - Louisiana was at least consistent by including the pelican (and, thankfully, no Asterisked Turkey) in its bird category. Come to think of it, I should have recognized this one by associating it with an early John Grisham book, The Pelican Brief.

• “The Old Line State” - I came up empty on this one, but perhaps I should been more attentive to the findings in other categories, because this one belongs to Maryland - you know, the state which considers walking to be a hugely-popular spectator sport. My question is, “Where is the new line?”

• “The Treasure State” - Montana, right? Perhaps there is untold treasure housed in Montana, but who would know? California offered-up its treasure back in the 1850’s, which is why it can’t claim this title - there’s no treasure left.

• “The Garden State” - alright, I knew that this nickname belonged to New Jersey, but, c’mon, have you ever been to Trenton, or Newark, or Camden? If Rule of Three had not been declared a “snark-free zone,” boy, I would have a field day here.

• “The Peace Garden State” - here’s proof that you can learn something by Googling - I literally had no idea that there is an international peace garden which straddles the border of North Dakota and the Canadian province of Manitoba.

• “The Beehive State” - Utah’s state insect is the Honeybee, and I blame myself for not appropriately covering that category above - I suppose this column will have to be the first in a three-part series, in order that we can exhaustively cover this important travel-related topic (emphasis on “exhaustively” - of that I can promise you).

• “The Equality State” - quick, what do you think of when you consider the battle for the rights of women, specifically the right to vote? Wyoming, right? Wait, what? That’s right, Wyoming was the first state to grant women the right to vote, back in 1869. Never mind that the impetus was to amass a large-enough population in order to qualify for statehood - I’m pretty sure that the next step would have been to grant bison the right to vote.

Well, we here at Rule of Three are proud to be able to play a role, however small, in charting your summer 2022 travel plans. Please check back with us for important insect update information.

Attached here is a link to the original column, in the event you would like to view it in its natural habitat. . .

Thanks for understanding our commitment to recycling. We’ll be back (probably) next week with our usual (potentially) award-winning original content.

If you’re tired of reading recycled weekly columns, simply type your email address below to subscribe to Rule of Three, and enjoy brand new original content. . .well, most of the time - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

Pursuit of perfection by imperfect beings (no, I’m not talking about meerkats - they truly are perfect beings) is a fool’s errand.

Given our boundless desire to quantify everything, we have attempted to attach a numerical score to achieving perfection.

Have you ever seen this?

We here at Rule of Three don’t like to be defined by just one idea, or person or beverage; we prefer things in threes. But, we understand the need in certain instances to declare a winner. If the Super Bowl ended in a tie, for example, there would be a lot of disgruntled players, fans and bookies.

The theme of “number one” echoes throughout many different ecosystems: sports; music; and Morty Seinfeld’s status as #1 Dad. . .

In most sports competitions, a winner is declared (except, infuriatingly at times, in soccer, or football, as it is known in virtually every other country outside the United States); the top three performers in each event at the Olympics stand on a podium (we definitely admire that imagery), but the winner is clearly positioned higher than the two runners-up, reinforcing the primacy of being number one. In a bit of foreshadowing, we point out here that the Olympics includes an event, the Decathlon, which contains ten distinct athletic endeavors, and note that there is no such event as the “Unathlon.”

The only professional sports team to achieve perfection (i.e. winning every single game) in a season was the 1972 Miami Dolphins football team, which won its fourteen regular season games, and then proceeded to win two playoff games and the Super Bowl that year. Of course, if a major league baseball team won seventeen games during its season, it would record an abysmal 10.5% winning percentage; similarly, NHL and NBA teams winning that same number of games in a season would be considered woeful; perfection is a much more difficult challenge in those sports.

The number one also surfaces in terms of acknowledging that someone is not necessarily the best, but the first to accomplish a specific task. Examples include: Neil Armstrong (the moon landing thing); Charles Lindbergh (the transatlantic flight thing); and Jackie Robinson (the baseball racial barrier thing).

There is a phrase which has been around a long time: “Look out for number one,” which suggests that people need to prioritize their own needs, interests and desires above those of others. The origin of this phrase might, or might not have anything to do with seeking or achieving perfection; likely it does not. But we include it here because it aligned nicely with today’s topic.

What if we added a couple of zeroes to the number one? That’s right, one hundred. Achieving one hundred percent on a quiz or exam indicates perfection. Now I’m pretty sure that my daughter did not earn one hundred percent scores on each and every one of the quizzes and exams she took while a student, but, she did receive all A’s in every class she took in every grade beginning in elementary school, on through high school, and throughout her undergraduate coursework in college. Perfection? No, but darn impressive performance, I believe.

My own personal flirtation with one hundred has been on the golf course; as a certified hacker, I’m lucky to break 100.

Which brings us to the number ten. Yes, the picture atop this column is of Bo Derek, as she appeared in the 1979 romantic comedy 10. The title of the film plays off the phrase “a ten,” which thefreedictionary.com says is “to be regarded as perfect or superlative in some way (as on a scale of 1 to 10).” They further share usage examples including: “the weather. . .with lots of sunshine with a cool breeze,” and “a beach vacation. . .” But, let’s be honest, the primary application of this phrase is intended to indicate that a woman is considered to be exceptionally attractive (i.e. perfect) on a scale of one to 10.

The film 10, and more specifically, a scene with Derek and her costar Dudley Moore, served to put Ravel’s Bolero on the map. No, I’m not going to explain that reference to you, if you don’t understand it. You have three options to broaden your knowledge here: you can Google it; or you can listen to Ravel’s Bolero on YouTube; or, and I recommend this alternative, you can watch the movie - you’ll thank me later.

Doubling back on our Olympics reference above, not only is the Decathlon a grueling test of diverse athletic talent, but also, a perfect performance in a gymnastics routine earns a 10.0 score. The first such score recorded in the Olympics was earned by Nadia Comaneci, a fourteen-year-old Romanian gymnast, in the 1976 Olympics. There were a number of perfect 10’s logged by gymnasts in subsequent Olympic Games, but the scoring system was eventually revised in 2006, resulting in the end to perfect 10’s.

So, Bo Derek and Nadia Comaneci (pictured below) have that “perfect 10” in common.

Sometimes we hear the word “perfect” applied to various undertakings. You may have heard of a “perfect marriage,” or the “perfect crime” or a “perfect phone call.” I believe that none of those things exist. Now, a “perfect undertaking” might exist, if a dead body is thoughtfully and professionally prepared for burial or cremation, and a funeral service is effectively arranged and managed - that would be a “10.”

If you're in search of a "10" in weekly humor columns, simply type your email address below to subscribe to Rule of Three - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

Man, being a landlord ain’t easy!

The primary responsibility of landlords is to collect rent timely. Typical leases also include stipulations that tenants must perform basic maintenance of the property, in order to prevent it from becoming a neighborhood eyesore, and to not use the premises for illegal activities and to refrain from excessive noise or disruptive behavior, so as not to disturb the peace and tranquility of the neighborhood.

Driven by our innate curiosity, Rule of Three set out to determine the ownership of the White House, a property located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, in a desirable, walkable neighborhood in Washington, D.C. We posed the question to an AI engine, and received the following response:

The White House is owned by the federal government of the United States and belongs to the American people. The property is managed and maintained by the National Park Service as part of “President’s Park,” while the current president serves only as a temporary steward.

Ah, as we suspected, you and I and the rest of American taxpayers are the owners and landlords of this property, and the current president of the United States is our tenant.

I don’t know if you have visited our property lately. My only visit occurred in 1976, as a member of the New Trier East High School Concert Band, invited to perform in and around Washington, D.C. as a part of the Bicentennial celebration. During that trip, we were invited onto the White House grounds, and were provided with miniature American and Jordanian flags to wave while the tenant at the time, Gerald Ford welcomed King Hussein of Jordan to the U.S.

We were not afforded a tour of the house itself on that trip, but Ford seemed to be taking reasonably good care of the house and its grounds, and no concerns were shared with us by the management company, the National Park Service. And, we received no late night phone calls from the neighbors. Therefore, we assumed that things regarding the property were fine. And that assuaged our fears for fifty years, allowing those rent checks to continue flowing in on the first of every month. . .well, curiously, rent checks have not so much been flowing in as they have been flowing out, but you get the idea.

There’s been a great deal of angst expressed lately regarding renovations being performed at the White House and activities conducted on the White House lawn: the East Wing renovation, and the Rose Garden overhaul and the UFC fights mounted at the White House this week have all been subjects of discussion. As you know, we studiously avoid such debates here at Rule of Three; and, not being real estate law experts, we do not know if such actions violate the terms of the lease of the property. But, consideration of these issues has caused us to wonder about activities conducted by previous tenants - our exhaustive research has yielded a significant trove of information.

Of course, tours of the White House are available (with at least 21 days advance reservation); the annual Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn has been quite popular since President Rutherford B. Hayes introduced it in 1878 (why are there so few “Rutherfords” in the U.S. these days? That name doesn’t even crack the “Top 1000 Baby Names of 2026,” published by thebump.com, being bested by “Torin” at no. 1000); and the “turkey pardon,” in which the president offers one of the least controversial pardons declared during his time in office, allowing two lucky turkeys to avoid the Thanksgiving table fate, and live out their days on a farm or sanctuary.

But, what about sports activities at the White House over the years? Some early presidents, including Abraham Lincoln and William Howard Taft were known for their wrestling prowess during their younger years. Are you picturing either one of those two guys as wrestler material? Me neither - I think Vince McMahon would deliver a “hard pass” on either one of them joining the WWE team. And, developing appropriate fighters’ names would certainly be a challenge for both.

Teddy Roosevelt had a tennis court installed, and pursued the sport vigorously, as he did with everything in his life, even though he apparently wasn’t very good at it; he also hosted boxing matches at the White House. Shortly after, Herbert Hoover played “Hoover-Ball” at the White House, a mashup of tennis and volleyball, utilizing a medicine ball in the mix - you notice that the U.S. is not awash with “Hoover-Ball” leagues - perhaps because that sport just sounds weird, man!

The other Roosevelt, FDR, had an indoor pool installed, in order to accommodate his polio therapy. George W. Bush had a horseshoe pit reinstalled, which had been jettisoned by Harry Truman. Bush also hosted t-ball games for kids of military personnel at the White House. And, Barack Obama converted the tennis court into a basketball court during his time there; apparently a basketball court-ectomy was performed during Donald Trump’s administration, reclaiming the tennis court.

There’s also a bowling alley within the White House, for those of you who consider bowling to be a sport.

As far as renovations are concerned, the White House, which welcomed its first tenant, John Adams, in 1800, experienced a complete rebuild a scant fourteen years later. During the War of 1812 the British burned the White House, and a brand new White House emerged a couple of years later - there’s nothing like a house fire to spark significant renovations.

During Teddy Roosevelt’s time in the White House, the West Wing and the East Wing were each added, although only one of those received the honor of having a TV show named after it. The other Roosevelt, FDR, expanded Teddy’s East Wing, by adding a second floor to it, and an underground bunker, known as the Presidential Emergency Operations Center (PEOC).

Engineers early in Truman’s term determined that the house was structurally unsound, and it underwent significant renovation. John F. Kennedy’s wife, Jackie, redecorated the White House interior, and the Rose Garden was installed; solar panels were first installed during Jimmy Carter’s time. Trump sacrificed the Rose Garden space to a patio recently.

There have also been a number of unusual animals housed at the White House, my fellow landlords, which suggests that we should perhaps strengthen the “no pets” clause in our lease. There have been: mockingbirds, grizzly bear cubs, an alligator, goats, horses, guinea pigs, rats, snakes, a badger, a hyena, a one-legged rooster, hippopotami, an antelope, a wallaby and raccoons.

The Carter years yielded a couple of unusual events, including Amy Carter’s treehouse in the White House yard, and Willie Nelson smoking weed with Jimmy Carter’s son, Chip, on the roof of the White House. And, of course, Nixon greeted Elvis in the Oval Office in 1970 and granted him status as an honorary federal agent for the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs, complete with a badge.

I think my favorite unusual White House event, however, was 1837’s farewell soiree for Andrew Jackson, which featured a 1,400-pound block of cheese; that cheese definitely stands alone.

We're not sure if the White House lease includes utilities, cable TV and subscriptions such as one to Rule of Three.  You can secure yours today: simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

Four Hundred and Forty Six.

That number may not have the resonance of “525,600,” which is the alternate name of the song “Seasons of Love,” from the 1996 Broadway musical Rent. Apparently that number reflects the total number of minutes contained in a calendar year; go ahead, check our math, we’ll wait. Having never seen Rent performed, I must assume the piece is a scholarly examination of the trials and tribulations of negotiating an apartment lease in a big city, set to music.

But, back to Four Hundred and Forty Six. That’s the total number of bridges contained within the city of Pittsburgh, according to “The Bridges of Pittsburgh,” a book published in 2006 by Bob Regan. That eye-popping number spawned the moniker “City of Bridges,” which Pittsburghers now embrace more firmly than “Steel City,” because there are no longer any active steel mills in the city of Pittsburgh, and “City of Champions,” a nickname assigned to the city in the 1970’s, owing to the Steelers winning the Super Bowl six times, in addition to a sprinkling of national titles won by the Pirates (baseball) and the Penguins (hockey); the Steelers now routinely declare victory for winning more than half their games in a season, and the other two teams are in a bit of a trough lately, so “City of Champions” rings a bit hollow.

Research reveals that Pittsburgh has also been tagged: “River City” (I suspect this one never took hold because that title had already been claimed in The Music Man); “The ‘Burgh” (I can report this one is actually used, on occasion); “Dirty ‘Burgh” (well that’s just mean - now that there are no longer any operating steel mills in the city, the air is much cleaner - not clean, mind you, but cleaner); “Gateway to the West” (apparently the Lewis and Clark expedition launched in Pittsburgh, although if Pittsburgh were really committed to this one, they would have built an arch, and called it “The Gateway Arch” - hello, St. Louis!); and “Hell with the Lid Off” (a Boston writer, James Parton coined this phrase back in 1868, because of the smoke, smog and fire, which was a feature of Pittsburgh’s landscape back then - well, sure, but did you not notice the many bridges located there?).

Of course, the headline of this piece is “The Bridges of Allegheny County,” not “The Bridges of Pittsburgh.” This shift in focus might cause you to feel as if you had been victimized by the old “bait and switch.” So what? Call a cop, man. We used Allegheny County (the county home of Pittsburgh, by the way) in the title in an attempt to play off the title of a popular film, released in 1995: “The Bridges of Madison County.” As it turns out I’ve never seen that film either, and I presume that it’s an archeological study of suspension bridges in the midwestern county of Madison, in Iowa. Although, given that there are also Madison counties in New York and North Carolina, the possibility exists that I have misinterpreted the geographic location - what do I know about bridges, after all?

But, back to the City of Bridges. Never mind that there are many U.S. cities with more bridges than Pittsburgh, or that the oft-quoted statistic that “Pittsburgh has more bridges than Venice,” may not be true. The picture atop this column reflects several of its more recognizable bridges, including the so-called “Three Sisters” bridges, spanning the Allegheny River from downtown (properly pronounced “dahn-tahn” by locals) across to the North Shore section of the city. Those three sisters, of course, are the “Roberto Clemente,” the “Andy Warhol” and the “Rachel Carson” bridges, named respectively for: a Pittsburgh Pirates superstar who died tragically in a plane crash on New Years’ Eve in 1972 while en route to deliver emergency aid to earthquake victims in Nicaragua; a celebrity artist and pal of Liza Minnelli; and a noted conservationist and writer, most famous for writing Silent Spring, which highlighted the environmental harm caused by the use of pesticides.

A couple of bridges bear the names of military forts: Fort Pitt and Fort Duquesne; given Pittsburgh’s strategic importance during the French and Indian War, that makes sense. Many other bridges reflect geographic location: West End, Fern Hollow and Schenley. I am also struck by the names of other bridges, including: Hot Metal, Brilliant Branch and Washington Crossing - each quite descriptive.

In addition to the “Three Sisters,” I note that other Pittsburghers have been similarly recognized by having their names affixed to bridges in town. Such worthy luminaries as: novelist David McCullough, Negro League baseball team Homestead Grays (why not their rival Pittsburgh Crawfords?) and a soldier killed in Vietnam, William Raymond Prom have been “bridgified.”

Even relatively obscure people such as: Pennsylvania state legislator in the 1950’s and 1960’s, Robert D. Fleming, Charles Anderson, a 20-year member of Pittsburgh City Council in the 1920’s and 1930’s and Pittsburgh Industrialist in the early 20th Century, Edward H. Swindell received bridge name recognition.

So, as a follow up to the question posed in the subhead atop this column: Who do I need to talk to in order to have a bridge named in my honor? (Ed. note: Although the (potentially) award-winning columnist initially posed the question: Who do I hafta’ sleep with to get a bridge named after me? editors demurred and determined that the resultant question posed was more politically correct and represented a lesser threat of community outrage and potential litigation).

I recognize that there are other Pittsburghers potentially ahead of me in line, but there are Four Hundred and Forty Six bridges here, for Chrissake! And only a handful of them are already spoken for. Sure, PBS television icon Fred Rogers, playwright August Wilson, businessman Andrew Carnegie (although, in fairness, Carnegie’s name is already slapped all over town, including on villages, museums, concert halls, libraries and universities), developer of the polio vaccine Jonas Salk, ketchup company founder H.J. Heinz, transplant surgeon pioneer Dr. Thomas Starzl, banker Andrew Mellon, jazz musician Billy Strayhorn, hockey great Mario Lemieux, Steelers founder Art Rooney, composer Stephen Foster, Pirates star Honus Wagner and dancer Gene Kelly might be deserving of being forever memorialized on a Pittsburgh bridge (many of which are painted a shade of yellow known as “Aztec Gold”), but why not find room for Rule of Three?

There may, or may not be a petition circulating to which you can affix your signature demanding that the city of Pittsburgh rename one of its spare bridges the “Rule of Three” bridge. Please sign it - I look forward to seeing you drive across the “Rule of Three” bridge very soon.

While that petition seeking our rightfully-earned bridgely recognition progresses, you may support Rule of Three in another way: simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

“Don’t have a cow, man.”

That is Bart Simpson’s catchphrase, as featured in the long-running The Simpsons TV series. And, of course the gentleman pictured atop this column is Bart’s dad, Homer, spouting his catchphrase: “D’oh!” You might rightly wonder if a catchphrase can consist of only three letters and two punctuation marks. According to Rule of Three’s vaunted Catchphrase Hallmark Research department there is no minimum letter or word requirement in order to achieve catchphrase status; therefore, Homer’s “D’oh!” qualifies as a certified catchphrase. Additionally, the show’s character, Quagmire, frequently deploys his catchphrase: “Giggity, giggity.”

If you’re wondering if this column is intended as a scholarly examination of The Simpsons series and its enduring impact upon cultural and societal trends, I would point out that Rule of Three has already covered that ground, in a piece published a couple of years ago. . .

No, it’s entirely coincidental and serves to acknowledge that Matt Groening, the creator of The Simpsons, has an uncanny knack for developing catchy catchphrases.

In order to satisfy our editor’s polite request that we include something other than The Simpsons content in todays column, we naturally turned to TVGuide.com, which published an article headlined “TV’s 60 Greatest Catchphrases,” in 2013, but, as catchphrases are designed to be memorable, we think their list is still relevant, thirteen years on.

At the top of the list, is “Heeeere's...Johnny!" Ed McMahon’s Tonight Show introduction of Johnny Carson - it’s difficult to argue with that choice. Homer Simpson’s “D’oh!” landed second on the list, and Seinfeld’s “Yada, yada, yada.” checked in third. Seinfeld, like Caddyshack, spawned so many soundbites that are still used in daily conversation (at least in my social circles), that I believe it would be inadequate to include them here; they deserve their own dedicated column - perhaps a Seinfeld vs. Caddyshack head-to-head cage match?

Other catchphrases on the list include: “How you doin?” (Joey Tribbiani on Friends); "What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Jackson on Diff’rent Strokes); and “You’re fired!” (Donald Trump, when he hosted The Apprentice).

Our belief is that in order to qualify as a catchphrase it must be instantly recognizable, even years past its prime, and be able to be inserted into conversation seamlessly and meaningfully. As a result, Rule of Three rejected several entries from TVGuide.com’s list.

Alright everybody, grab your No. 2 pencils and prepare to confront the Rule of Three Memorable Catchphrase Quiz (as you know, we do love gamification). You must correctly identify the person, or character, and the show, or setting in which each catchphrase is uttered (answer key at the end of this column):

1. "And that's the way it is."

2. "Who are you wearing?"

3. "Come on down!"

4. "Baby, you're the greatest."

5. “Yabba dabba doo!”

6. “Ruh-roh!”

7. “Danger, Will Robinson!”

8. “Book ‘em, Danno.”

9. “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”

10. “God will get you for that.”

11. “Jane, you ignorant slut.”

12. “Good night, John Boy.”

13. “Let’s be careful out there.”

14. “You look mahvelous.”

15. “Well, isn’t that special?”

16. “Did I do that?”

17. “No soup for you!”

18. “Bam!”

19. “Is that your final answer?”

20. “Bazinga!”

See below for the answer key, and to grade your performance.

What about you? Have you developed a catchphrase which effectively bolsters your own personal brand? Please share it in the comments section below - we promise not to steal it from you. Rule of Three would like to create its own personal catchphrase, designed to reinforce its brand identity. A couple of options we’ve been workshopping:

• “Secure a beverage.”

• “Don’t be a douchebag.”

• “Amuse yourself.’

What? You’ve heard those before? Which one do you believe best represents Rule of Three? Or, perhaps you’ve got alternative suggestions for us; if so, please share them with us in the comments section below - we can take it.

Rule of Three Memorable Catchphrase Quiz Answer Key

1. Walter Cronkite, when signing off each night on CBS Evening News - this soundbite might be useful in providing a little bit of gravitas to the conclusion of a business presentation, or for a doctor sharing a medical diagnosis with a patient’s loved ones or for a parent putting a child to bed.

2. Joan Rivers, on the red carpet at the Golden Globes event - I see snarky applications of this one, upon encountering someone dressed unusually.

3. Used on The Price is Right to summon game show contestants for many years, most famously spoken by Johnny Olson - could be used to encourage audience members to come onstage, in virtually any setting.

4. Ralph Kramden, on The Honeymooners, to his wife Alice - an endearing compliment for your own wife, or husband or dog.

5. Fred Flintstone, on The Flintstones - an expression of sheer joy - who couldn’t use that, on occasion?

6. Astro, the dog, on The Jetstons - appropriately used when something is amiss.

7. The Robot character, on Lost in Space - a warning to be surfaced in the face of impending doom.

8. McGarrett, on Hawaii Five-O - much like Walter Cronkite’s signoff “And that’s the way it is,” although a more blunt and less intellectual turn of phrase.

9. Jan Brady, on The Brady Bunch - a quick and easy way to express exasperation.

10. One of the more obscure catchphrases, this one belonged to Maude, from Maude - I included it here because it invokes the wrath of God - heavy stuff, indeed!

11. Dan Ackroyd, to Jane Curtin, on Saturday Night Live - represents a descent into the gutter, resorting to name-calling as a way to disagree with others - seems to be a daily occurrence these days in Washington, D.C.

12. The echoed good night salutations in the Walton household, on the 1970’s show, The Waltons - if the Walter Cronkite approach outlined in #1 above doesn’t work when putting your kids to bed, you might try this one - each one will be equally confusing to them.

13. A parting shot to the police officers on Hill Street Blues from Esterhaus, at the conclusion of the morning briefing - good advice for all of us.

14. Fernando, a character on Saturday Night Live, played by Billy Crystal - instantly recognized as a fake, meaningless, insincere compliment - would you ever have occasion to require that tool?

15. Another Saturday Night Live soundbite, this one attached to Dana Carvey’s Church Lady character - dripping with sarcasm, a putdown which can be quite handy.

16. I don’t know if I ever watched the show, Family Matters, featuring the nerdy character, Steve Urkel, but I am aware of the catchphrase, because I recently viewed a New Girl rerun, which prominently featured the soundbite.

17. I know, I know, I promised that we would set aside any Seinfeld references, saving them for the cage match, but this one is a classic, and such an appropriate, in-your-face denial.

18. Emeril LeGasse, a chef who had a very popular show beginning in the late 1990’s, laid this superlative on the viewing audience; extra credit is available for those who also remember Emeril’s “Kick it up a notch,” indicating that he planned to introduce additional (i.e. hotter) seasoning into a dish - my oncologist deployed that phrase in 2000, when he detailed his plan for a more robust chemotherapy regimen for me.

19. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? was the hottest TV show on the planet around the Millenium, and host Regis Philbin cemented this catchphrase into our consciousness - in everyday conversation, it substitutes for “Are you sure?”

20. The character Sheldon, on the Big Bang Theory, played by Jim Parsons, used this made-up word to suggest that he was kidding about something he said - the youngsters out there would substitute “JK,” shorthand for “Just kidding.”

So, how’d you do? If you correctly identified the owner of more than fifteen of these catchphrases, you have likely watched as much TV as I have over the years, which is just sad; if you notched (thanks, Emeril!) between 10 and 15 correct answers, it seems as if you are living a perfectly normal, well-adjusted life; 5 to 10 correct answers is on the lower end of the bell curve - you may not be equipped to handle yourself around the water cooler; and, if you correctly answered fewer than 5 of these challenges, I have to ask: What are you doing in your spare time, reading books?

I debated whether or not “You’re gonna need a bigger boat,” from Jaws, belonged in this piece. It is truly iconic, and certainly serves to strengthen the Jaws brand and, although it may not be ubiquitous, I have heard it deployed at times to highlight size disparities. I think it belongs here.

Wanna' make your catchphrase "I'm a subscriber to Rule of Three?"  Simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

The eleventh letter in the English alphabet, “K,” may not be the most popular one, but perhaps it should be. Sure, children learn their “A-B-C’s,” and we characterize an entire range of something as including “everything from A to Z” and the letter “X” is a personal favorite of looming trillionaire Elon Musk, who has named virtually every company he has owned, “X,” as well as all thirty-eight of his children - it’s as if he didn’t even stop to consider alternatives such as “Doge,” or “Nikola” (you know, the first name of the guy who inspired the name of his automobile business, Tesla) or “Liam,” which has owned the top baby name spot in the United States for nine years in a row (I know boxer and grill salesman George Foreman named all of his children George, so naming conventions can vary widely among families), but “K” goes about its business quietly and professionally, and has staked quite a claim for its legacy.

The letter K also appears in the Greek alphabet, representing “Kappa”; Kappa is the tenth letter in the Greek alphabet, besting its English counterpart.

A recent well-publicized appearance by our friend “K” has been in discussions regarding economic theory: the so-called “K-shaped recovery,” which reflects improved economic performance for the wealthier segments of society, while the poorer segments experience lesser growth, further widening the wealth inequality gap - not as helpful to a nation’s economic outlook as say, “V-,” “U-,” “W-” or “L-”shaped recoveries. Who knew the practice of economics involved such an alphabet soup of alternatives? I’m relieved that our elementary education system is not using the “K-shaped recovery” graphic reflected below to teach kids how to read and write the letter “k”; that would create some pretty indecipherable writing samples. And, I shudder to think what lessons the “V-,” “U-,” “W-” and “L-”shaped recovery graphs would impart to our children. Best to keep our kids far away from discussions regarding economic theory.

You said something about science, no? Why, yes I did. Perhaps you’ve heard about a little thing called the periodic table of elements? Well, the element labeled with the atomic number 19, potassium, is also known by the letter K. As you know, “potassium is a silvery white metal that is soft enough to easily cut with a knife,” according to Wikipedia. The letter K also signifies the kelvin, the base unit of temperature measurement contained in the Kelvin scale. In order to provide context, the baseline of the Kelvin scale (i.e. 0 degrees Kelvin) equals 273.15 degrees below zero on the Celsius scale, or 459.67 degrees below zero on the Fahrenheit scale, but is equivalent to 0 degrees on the Rankine scale, a scale I bet you didn’t even know exists. You can see why it’s so difficult for us to decide if we need to wear a coat when we go outside.

Hollywood has also firmly embraced the letter K in its offerings, including a character named Agent K (or, simply “K”) in the Men in Black film series; Tommy Lee Jones played this character in classic, deadpan style. “K-Pop” is a popular music genre, which originated in the 1990’s, developed by South Korean musicians influenced by American dance music, hip-hop, R&B and rock music elements. I’m not really the target demographic for this type of music, but apparently it has some appeal to the teenybopper crowd. I’m more familiar with the offerings provided by K-Tel, who hawked schlocky compilation record albums on television back in the 1970’s. On the other end of the music spectrum, Mozart’s body of work was appended by the letter K, utilizing the Kolche catalogue system; as an example, Mozart’s “Eine kleine Nachtmusik” (“A Little Night Music”) is denoted by K.525 - perhaps that system makes it easier to make requests of the wedding reception band.

In literature, examples.com suggests, “. . .alliteration with ‘K’ is a linguistic art that brings a unique rhythm and musicality to language,” and it goes on to provide an example of such alliteration: “Karl the kangaroo kept kicking the kite in the park.” I get it, that sentence contains a lot of “K’s.” But, couldn’t you accomplish a similar result with, say, “T”: “Tiny Tim tiptoed through the tulips.” or “L”: “Lively lanterns light the lonesome lakeside lane.” or even “X” (which Elon would enjoy): “Xander’s xylophone produced xenophobes’ xenial xenogenesis.”? (Ed. note: these additional examples were also supplied by examples.com - we know what a xylophone is, but have no earthly idea what those other “X” words mean.)

The letter K also has meaning in computing (paired with the letter “B,” kilobyte is abbreviated kB, or KB); and in distance, in which K is paired with the letter “M” to reflect a kilometer; money (thousands is sometimes denoted by a “K” - “M” upstages it, however, representing millions, and billions is sometimes shorthanded to “B” - K is also the abbreviation for the Russian kopeck - there are roughly 10,000 kopecks to a dollar right now, so. . .screw it, I’m not mathing here; and in gemstones (a karat, represented by “K” indicates the proportion of gold in an alloy, out of 24 total - i.e. 24K gold is pure gold; and in retailing (Kmart had a good run, although there’s not much left these days - apparently, only three retail stores remain: in St. Thomas, Guam and Kendale Lakes, Florida - that’s where you have to go to take advantage of the “blue light special”); and in the cereal aisle (Kellogg’s Special K is positioned as a healthy-ish cereal); and in the vitamin business (Vitamin K is marketed as a dietary supplement - an unsavory cousin is kratom, also known as K, which is an herbal medication, notable for its lack of proven benefits for any disorder); and in a deck of cards, in which the king of each suit brandishes a “K” on its face (in addition to swords). . .

Baseball also deploys the K, using it as shorthand for strikeouts, useful when keeping a scorecard of a game, and for truncating newspaper headlines in order to fit the space available: “Ryan K’s 16” is a pithier headline than “Astros star pitcher Nolan Ryan records sixteen strikeouts in last night’s baseball game against the Giants.” And, for those of you keeping score at home, in order to keep the record straight, a backwards K is recorded when the umpire calls “Strike three!” without the batter swinging his bat (i.e. “a called third strike”); don’t ask me why, it just is.

Geography also boasts the presence of K, in the form of the mountain named K2, located in Pakistan and China, and which is second only to Mount Everest in elevation. The name K2 is derived from its setting in the Karakoram mountain range; it was the second mountain surveyed. Is there a K1, you might ask, as I did? There is indeed, but it adopted the name of Masherbrum a long time ago; K2 never received a new name - it’s akin to county officials never bothering to name a road, which will forever be known as County Road #6 - that’s just lazy, man! I understand that the risk is you end up with a worse name than Masherbrum, but, make an effort!

Members of the U.S. military during World War II would recognize the mostly unpalatable K-ration, a package containing three boxed meals to feed a soldier for one day. And, years later, “K cars” (and also Lee Iacocca, I suppose) were credited with staving off bankruptcy for the Chrysler auto company in the 1980’s. Man, those were some ugly cars though!

This exposition does not intend to drill down on the many fascinating words which begin with the letter K, except to note the Australia-centric trinity that is: kangaroo, koala and kookaburra.

So you see, the letter K has a long and storied history in many disparate fields, And it appears as if that contribution to society will endure: texting conventions include the use of “K” to signify agreement with or acknowledgment of an incoming message - thank goodness we were able to truncate the “O” from the “OK” response - that will save valuable keystroking time for all of us.

If your email address includes the letter "K" (or if it doesn't) simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

The players who qualify to play in golf tournaments on the PGA Tour Champions (formerly known as the Senior PGA Tour) are afforded several accommodations as they compete which are not available to those golfers who play in PGA Tour events, including teeing off from the senior tees (duh!), which are closer to the green than the tees utilized by the PGA Tour, and allowing senior golfers to ride in golf carts during tournaments, which PGA Tour golfers are not allowed to use. Some Senior events also feature three rounds of golf rather than the four completed by PGA Tour players. These old guys (all must be over the age of 50) get tired and need to relax, apparently.

By the way, “Champions?” I speak fluent euphemism, so I know what that term intends to mask: “Old Guys.” Other stand-ins for “Old Guys” include: “Seasoned”; “Distinguished”; and “Classic.” And don’t get me started on “Prosperous” - that simply means “fat.”

Perhaps golf’s senior circuit should rebrand itself as the “O.G. PGA Tour.” No, “O.G. doesn’t stand for Old Guy; it’s “Original Gangster” - don’t you pay attention to pop culture?

A hallmark of any Senior Tour organization must be alleviating the harsher challenges of the endeavor, in a nod to the decreased physical and mental faculties possessed by O.G.’s (in this case I mean “Old Guys” - c’mon, try and keep up).

An obvious application of the Senior Tour strategy would be in Major League Baseball (MLB); Old-Timers games are appealing to fans. But, I think demanding that these guys compete in 162 ballgames each year would be problematic - I believe the appropriate number to be half that - call it 81 games. After all, the comedy-focused Savannah Bananas played 88 games in their 2025 season - one of the players on stilts, as detailed in a Rule of Three column published last fall. . .

. . .not as significant a limiting factor as advanced age (seasoned!), but a challenge nonetheless.

Similarly, ballpark dimensions should be adjusted for the diminished skills and agility of senior ballplayers. The average distance from home plate to MLB outfield walls in left field and right field is roughly 330 feet; a distance of 200 feet might be reasonable for the Senior Tour. Perhaps the pitchers mound could be located 45 feet from home plate, rather than the 60 feet, 6 inches in place for MLB games. And the distance between each of the four bases (including home plate) could be established at 75 feet, rather than the 90 feet MLB players must traverse. These accommodations would enable Senior Tour players to perform admirably. Dugouts could remain intact, although equipping them with LaZBoy recliners might be a nice touch.

The Senior Tour could extend to Olympic sports as well. The 100-meter sprint could be trimmed to a more manageable 80 meters. And the decathlon would need to be truncated to an “octathlon.” The only question up for debate is which two events should be jettisoned; I would suggest losing the javelin throw and the discus throw, because, let’s face it, with old guys (distinguished gentlemen!), errant throws are a distinct possibility, which could result in severe bodily harm to unsuspecting onlookers.

And, how about mixed martial arts (MMA) matches, such as those bouts promoted by the likes of the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) organization? Rule of Three’s Event Reimagining department assessed the opportunity and indicated, “MMA matches can easily be extended to Senior Tour events, as is - no notes. We believe everybody would enjoy watching old guys beat the crap out of each other.” Perhaps this is an undercard opportunity for the planned UFC event on the White House lawn this summer.

Youthful exuberance is prized when it comes to musical performances. But, what if a Senior Tour could be mounted? Imagine the possibilities! You could see the likes of the Rolling Stones, Willie Nelson and Paul McCartney live in concert. Oh right, that already exists. Never mind.

Very few fashion models continue beyond the age of forty. There should be a Senior Tour for fashion models, in order to minimize the unemployment rate in this important business sector. Shorter fashion runways could be installed, acknowledging the difficulty of strutting haughtily while dressed in high heels and little else at an advanced age (classic!). And, speaking of being dressed in “little else,” the Senior Tour could feature expansive outfits such as muumuus, A-line dresses and long cardigans. In fact, as this Senior Tour is established, a founding principle must definitively exclude the use of lingerie, miniskirts and sheer fabrics in any and all collections - that point is nonnegotiable.

Selfishly, Rule of Three wonders (aloud!) what Senior Tour opportunities exist for a (potentially) award-winning weekly humor columnist. Of course, in order to provide for an effective environment in which to excel, certain accommodations must be proffered. I’m just spitballing here, but those elements might include: a comfy desk chair; an ergonomic keyboard; a limitless stream of amusing content ideas; and an immediate influx of thousands of subscribers. If O.G. golfers can enjoy a leveled playing field, so can I.

Welcome to the Rule of Three readers Senior Tour!  The most meaningful accommodation provided to you is the opportunity to subscribe: simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

You might consider certain topics to be off-limits when it comes to searching for humor; war, cancer and your wife’s cooking are but three examples of such verboten (note the use of a German word here, which ties in nicely with the column headline art) subjects. And yet. . .

Rule of Three’s mission statement reflects, “My Rule of Three includes: Secure a beverage; don’t be a douchebag; and amuse myself. That third rule drives Rule of Three content decisions each week - perhaps you will be amused as well.”

So you see, our hands are tied. As you may recall, Rule of Three tackled cancer in a column published a couple of years ago. . .

And, I know better than to attempt to make light of my wife’s cooking. So that just leaves war.

Don’t get me wrong; war is unimaginably terrifying. Many films have portrayed the utter violence that accompanies wartime activities, including: Saving Private Ryan, Platoon and Full Metal Jacket.

But when confronted with this senseless attack on humanity, some artists have turned to humor, in an attempt to highlight the absurdity of war. None did this better than Joseph Heller, in his 1961 debut novel, Catch-22. The protagonist in the novel is a U.S. Air Force bombardier during World War II named Captain John Yossarian. I have no idea what “Catch-1” thru “Catch-21” are, but “Catch-22,” as defined by Merriam-Webster, represents “a problematic situation for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule.” Yeah, that sounds like war.

Another well-known attempt at locating humor hidden somewhere deep in the folds of war was the M*A*S*H franchise, initiated by a novel penned by Richard Hooker in 1968, about a U.S. Army medical unit operating during the Korean Conflict (referring to it as a “conflict” rather than a war is a matter of semantics, tied to the loophole surrounding not securing congressional approval to declare a war - it was a war, man!), in the early 1950’s, which spawned a 1970 movie and a long-running sitcom in the 1970’s and early 1980’s. Dedicated readers of Rule of Three know well that I spent way too much time as a youth watching TV sitcoms; as a certified expert, I am qualified to recommend the three greatest M*A*S*H sitcom episodes of all time: “Adam’s Ribs” (the storyline revolves around the main character, “Hawkeye” Pierce, ordering ribs to be delivered to South Korea from Chicago); “Tuttle” (regarding an imaginary character invented by “Hawkeye”); and “A Smattering of Intelligence” (featuring the first appearance of the character, CIA intelligence officer Colonel Flagg). Go watch those episodes right now - we’ll wait. Right? I told you.

The 1960’s sitcom, Hogan’s Heroes (several cast members of which are pictured atop this column), was set in a World War II German prisoner of war (“POW”) camp. The POW’s, led by Colonel Hogan, portrayed by Bob Crane, were depicted as being cunning, intelligent operatives, conducting significant resistance activities from the POW camp. The Germans, including Colonel Klink and Sergeant Schultz, came across as dimwitted yet affable characters, bested every time by Hogan and his crew. Hilarity ensued. Never having spent time in a German POW camp I cannot vouch for the lighthearted tone reflected in the series, but I have to imagine that liberties were taken in the quest to find the humor; the brutality of war was simply ignored by the Hogan’s Heroes production team.

Many filmmakers over the years have attempted to deploy military settings in their comedic offerings. These movies have included: Stripes; Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb; The Great Dictator; Operation Petticoat; Tropic Thunder; Kelly’s Heroes (although this movie does include its fair share of slaughter, it’s entertaining and amusing); Good Morning, Vietnam; No Time for Sergeants; Mister Roberts; WarGames (not technically a war movie, but certainly war-adjacent, and quite an enjoyable film); and Private Benjamin.

Meanwhile, back on the sitcom front, other notable series included: F-Troop, set in the Wild West in the post-Civil War era (Forrest Tucker starred); McHale’s Navy (starring Ernest Borgnine); Gomer Pyle: USMC (starring Jim Nabors); Major Dad (starring Gerald McRaney); and C.P.O. Sharkey (starring Don Rickles, best known for hockey pucks, and no, he was not a hockey player or a hockey fan - if you don’t know, then you’re simply too young).

So, sure, you could read Tolstoy’s War and Peace, or Remarque’s All Quiet on the Western Front or Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, but, honestly, those classic books likely wouldn’t satisfy your inner need to adhere to Rule No. 3, would they?

And, honey, what’s for dinner?

War is hell.  But, reading Rule of Three is not.  In order to avoid hell, simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

When people ask me where I’m from, I’m likely to say, “I’m from Chicago, because I spent 36-1/2 of my formative years there,” which, if I’m being honest with myself, has become a bit cloying over time. Never mind that I haven’t lived there in thirty years, or that, during those 36-1/2 years, I lived within the city limits of Chicago exactly one year. I grew up in the North Shore suburb of Kenilworth, and suburbs count, man!

Chicago is a star of stage and screen (and art and music, to boot). There is a Bob Fosse musical entitled Chicago; there is a longtime, popular rock band named “Chicago” (originally named “Chicago Transit Authority,” but truncated to “Chicago” when threatened with a lawsuit by the original Chicago Transit Authority (you know, the one that runs the buses and subway and “L” trains in Chicago); and there is a cache of films tethered to Chicago’s identity, including: The Fugitive, The Untouchables, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Blues Brothers, The Breakfast Club, Home Alone, Risky Business and many, many more.

But, perhaps the most recognizable Chicago-centric arts offerings are two hit songs performed by Frank Sinatra: My Kind of Town (Chicago Is) and Chicago (That Toddlin’ Town).

Never mind that Frank Sinatra is not a Chicagoan - not even a suburban Chicagoan. It’s ironic that these two iconic songs were most famously performed by a crooner who grew up a skinny kid in Hoboken, New Jersey.

Although, I suppose it’s not that surprising after all. I mean, Billy Joel grew up in Long Island, New York and sang quite passionately about Allentown, Pennsylvania, and Bruce Springsteen, another Jersey boy, wrote a song about Nebraska and Do You Know the Way to San Jose was crafted Burt Bacharach, who was born in Kansas City, Missouri, although it may have been less a hit song than travel directions developed for Google Maps.

Sinatra’s shout outs to local hallmarks in My Kind of Town (Chicago Is) include: jazz, the Wrigley Building and the Union Stock Yards.

In Chicago (That Toddlin’ Town), the lyrics from the song released originally in 1922 include references to: the blues; Billy Sunday, a professional baseball player and renowned evangelist; State Street; a man who danced with his wife; the College Inn, apparently a very popular restaurant housed in the Hotel Sherman, at Clark and Randolph Streets; the Stock Yards (echoing the reference in My Kind of Town (Chicago Is), a big thing back in the day, particularly after publication of Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle, a novel written in 1904, which exposed cruel working conditions in the Stock Yards; and “More Colored people up in State Street you can see than you’ll see in Louisiana, or Tennessee” - this last lyric was prudently excised in the version sung by Sinatra in 1964, and not just because it was particularly clunky attempting to shoehorn “Louisiana” into a very tight musical space in the song.

Sinatra’s lyrics also dropped references to the College Inn (probably closed by then - you know the fickle restaurant business) and the Stock Yards (I don’t believe the vegan wave had yet surfaced, taking a bite out of beef consumption, but perhaps the marketing professionals in Chicago recognized that smells wafting from the Stock Yards were not the most positive thing about Chicago to promote).

My question is: Given Chicago’s rich musical heritage, couldn’t it have surfaced a more appropriate musician to carry the Chicago torch with these two anthems? I’m talking about Buddy Guy, Muddy Waters, Benny Goodman, Dinah Washington, Herbie Hancock, Lou Rawls, Nat “King” Cole, Ann-Margaret, Earth, Wind & Fire, Jennifer Hudson, REO Speedwagon, Survivor, Sam Cooke, Styx, Steve Goodman, Ramsey Lewis, Minnie Riperton, Warren Zevon, The Buckinghams, Cheap Trick and The Smashing Pumpkins. This group of artists have a personal connection to Chicago, as opposed to Frank Sinatra, who was quite a talented performer, but, let’s face it, also belted out a tribute to New York City; talk about your divided loyalties.

Wikipedia reflects eighty two distinct recordings of Chicago (That Toddlin’ Town), a list which does include four of the Chicago-connected artists listed above, but Sinatra’s version is far and away the most recognizable version.

And, because Rule of Three can’t help itself, our Unsolicited Lyrics Advice for Songwriters department offered up the following suggestions to enhance the appeal of Chicago (That Toddlin’ Town) for Chicagoans and music lovers everywhere (a few added verses might need to be added to the songsheet:

• Marshall Field’s

• John Hancock Center

• Magnificent Mile

• Oak Street Beach

• Chicago-style hotdog (including: an all-beef frankfurter on a poppy-seed bun, yellow mustard, chopped white onions, freakishly bright green relish, dill pickle spear, tomato slices, sport peppers and a dash of celery salt)

• Sears Tower (never referred to as the Willis Tower)

• Chicago Tribune (and also the Chicago Sun-Times and the Chicago Daily News(R.I.P.))

• Mike Royko

• The Picasso

• The Bean (officially “Cloud Gate”)

• Lincoln Park

• Northwestern University

• Baha’i Temple

• Bridgeport

• Wrigley Field (Wrigley Building optional)

• Art Institute of Chicago

• Second City

• Mayor Daley (the first one)

• Lincoln Park Zoo

• The “L”

• Ravinia Festival

• Standard Oil Building (never Amoco Building or Aon Center)

• Daniel Burnham

• Harry Caray

• Jack Brickhouse

• Buckingham Fountain

• Giordano’s (and other deep-dish pizza)

• Taste of Chicago

• Al Capone (including Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre)

• Ernie Banks

• Great Chicago Fire (Mrs. O’Leary’s cow)

• Navy Pier

• Loop

• Chicago Water Tower (no, not the shopping mall, the actual water tower)

• Hyde Park

• McCormick Place

• Cabrini-Green Homes

• Field Museum of Natural History

• Bright green Chicago River on St. Patrick’s Day

• Reversed flow of the Chicago River

• Lake Michigan

• Chicago Symphony Orchestra - Sir Georg Solti

• Museum of Science and Industry

• Chicago Botanic Garden

• Oak Park - Frank Lloyd Wright

• Merchandise Mart

• Siskel & Ebert

• John Dillinger

• 1968 Democratic Convention

• Jesse Jackson - PUSH

• Gene & Georgetti

• Rush Street

• Palmer House

• Monsters of the Midway (Chicago Bears) & George Halas and Mike Ditka

Did we miss anything? Please share your suggestions in the comments section below - we’ll be sure to have the lyricists weave them into the revised version of Chicago (That Toddlin’ Town).

Also, we find it interesting that Frank Sinatra never recorded a tribute to Hoboken - what the hell, man?

Addendum

Where are my manners? I spent all this time bantering about Frank Sinatra, and didn’t offer you a link to his exquisite recording of Chicago (That Toddlin’ Town)? Let’s remedy that right now. . .

Rule of Three is not published in Chicago, so it cannot be included in the suggestions for revised lyrics for Chicago (That Toddlin' Town).  But, you can ensure its continued vitality by simply typing your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

Ed. note: Rule of Three extends its apologies to Tom Peters for repurposing the title of his bestselling business management book, In Search of Excellence, published in 1982, and deploying it, in a modified fashion, without his approval, as a headline to this column.

Even if you’re not a football fan, you’ve probably heard of Fernando Mendoza. He recently achieved the rarely-accomplished trifecta win of: playing on the NCAA national championship team, earning the Heisman Trophy and becoming the number one draft pick in the NFL draft. That elite class includes only three other members: Jameis Winston, Joe Burrow and Cam Newton. But, neither of those players had an aunt who received nearly as much television airtime as they enjoyed, as Fernando’s aunt did.

Perhaps the fourth component of football success would be headlining the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Mendoza is not predicted to achieve that goal, but Bad Bunny didn’t win the Heisman, so. . .

The NFL draft was conducted last week here in Pittsburgh, and we thank the NFL for spurring us to clean up dilapidated streets, paint peeling building facades and clear homeless encampments around town, all in service of welcoming fans to gather en masse to watch as the names of millionaire athletes are called every eight minutes. I enjoy watching NFL football, but I fail to see the attraction in standing in a huge crowd to hear names called; it sounds like an endless commencement exercise.

But, others saw the opportunity differently. Here is a shot of the crowd during the draft, located outside Acrisure Stadium. . .

Crowd estimates during the three-day event exceeded 800,000, which is significant, but I would point out that, if you attended the event three days in a row, you were counted three times. And, if you left the venue and later returned that same day, you were counted twice, or, if you left the venue 27 times and returned each time, you were counted 27 times. This crowd estimate math model is apparently the same one utilized by those tasked by the administration with estimating presidential inauguration crowds.

As for the draft itself, there were 257 players chosen during the seven rounds. Other than Fernando, you wouldn’t recognize any of the other 256 names, with the exception of the very last pick in the draft, no. 257: Red Murdock, a linebacker from the University of Buffalo (aka SUNY Buffalo), drafted by the Denver Broncos.

Murdock has just joined an exclusive fraternity, earning the honorary title “Mr. Irrelevant.” The final pick in each year’s draft has been bestowed with that nickname since 1976, and is the guest of honor at a weeklong celebration in Newport Beach, California, where he receives many gifts, visits Disneyland, participates in a sailing regatta and is feted at a major league baseball game in southern California. The week culminates with a banquet, at which the inverse award of the Heisman Trophy, the “Lowsman Trophy,” is awarded to him; the player featured on the trophy is depicted fumbling the football, as befits Mr. Irrelevant.

It’s all in good fun, and acknowledges that the player is not likely to have an impact in the NFL, but, let’s face it, being recognized among the 257 best college football players in the U.S. in a given year is itself a fairly prestigious position to be in.

A few of the Mr. Irrelevants over the years have performed in the NFL. We would likely not recognize any of them, with the exception of Brock Purdy, a quarterback who was drafted by the San Francisco 49ers in 2022, and who led the 49ers to a Super Bowl appearance in 2023. Mr. Irrelevant, indeed!

We all attempt to find our way in the world, and wish to be recognized for accomplishments of some sort. There have been many Mr. (and Ms.) Irrelevants, who overcame early life failures to make a definitive mark in some way.

According to developgoodhabits.com, in a piece entitled “55 Famous Failures Who Became Successful People,” failure is an opportunity to reset and begin anew the journey to success. Their rather trite soundbite was: “Setbacks are just stepping stones on the path to greatness.” Personally, I’d prefer to avoid failure, but it’s hard to ignore some of the examples they’ve listed.

Writers are liberally sprinkled throughout developgoodhabits.com’s list, including Stephen King (his Carrie manuscript was rejected thirty times, before being published); Dr. Seuss; JK Rowling; Jack London; Maya Angelou; and Rudyard Kipling. And, no, in answer to your question, Rule of Three is not included in this list, because we have yet to rise to the level required to be named Mr. Irrelevant

Entertainers are also reflected, including: Fred Astaire (a film industry executive indicated that Astaire “Can’t sing. Can’t act. Balding. Can dance a little.”); Elvis Presley (he worked as a truck driver while attempting to become a musician); Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart; Sidney Poitier (a director who rejected him early in his career suggested a career as a dishwasher); Harrison Ford; Lady Gaga; Jerry Seinfeld (booed off the stage after three minutes in his first standup attempt); Madonna; Peter Dinklage; Eminem; Ludwig van Beethoven (how natural is that transition, from Eminem to Beethoven? Smooth!); Jim Carrey; Sylvester Stallone (while homeless, sold his dog for $25 to raise money - I wonder what kind of dog it was?); Marilyn Monroe; Keanu Reeves; and Robert Downey Jr.

Failure in business is also quite common, before hitting on the right solution. Those stories include: Colonel Sanders (his fried chicken recipe was rejected 1,009 times before being accepted); Walt Disney (fired from a newspaper job because he lacked creativity); Mark Cuban; Soichiro Honda; Oprah Winfrey (fired from her first TV anchor job); Sir James Dyson (cycled through 5,126 prototypes before landing on the right vacuum cleaner design); R.H. Macy; Richard Branson; Milton Hershey (fired as a printer’s apprentice, after an accident with his hat. . .wait, what?); Bill Gates; Henry Ford; Steven Spielberg (ejected from USC’s film school); and Steve Jobs (ousted from Apple, which he co-founded, later to return).

And, of course we all know about Michael Jordan, cut from his high school basketball team. His basketball career worked out pretty well for him.

Even if you have never received an ironic trophy recognizing your lack of talent and success, you might have considered yourself to be Mr. (or Ms.) Irrelevant at some point during your life journey. But, take heart from the examples listed above of recalibration stories which have resulted in successful outcomes. Just, you know, be careful with your hat; and for God’s sake, keep your dog - that $25 wouldn’t last long enough anyway. Just to be on the safe side, however, don’t rule out that dishwasher gig.

In order that we don't develop a complex, and consider Rule of Three to be Mr. Irrelevant, please subscribe: simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

You’re likely familiar with Hollywood legends who adopted more marketable names than those bestowed upon them at the event of their birth, such as: Norma Jeane Mortenson (Marilyn Monroe); Marion Robert Morrison (John Wayne); and Roy Harold Scherer, Jr. (Rock Hudson).

Changing one’s name is a longstanding tradition in Hollywood, and in other circles as well. Having learned from a recent Rule of Three column that Faith Popcorn, a futurist and marketing expert popular in the 1970’s and 1980’s, was born Faith Plotkin, we determined that exploring the name change space might make for good copy. Also, did any of us believe that Faith Popcorn was her given name? If you believed that, you probably thought the movie star of early Westerns was named Chex Mix, rather than Tom Mix.

As we considered how best to cover this important topic, Rule of Three’s Gamification Division weighed-in, suggesting that readers might enjoy the challenge of attempting to connect the dots between a celebrity’s given name and his/her chosen name. Since we believed that crafting such a quiz would be far simpler than writing a column, allowing us to relax in the LaZBoy recliner, munching on Chex Mix and popcorn, we quickly embraced the idea. Herewith is Rule of Three’s Celebrity Name Dot-Connecting Quiz - all you have to do is connect the “Given Name” reflected in the first list with the correct “Chosen Name” contained in the second list - the answer key and scoring grid is below - no googling - good luck!

Given Name

1. Reginald Kenneth Dwight

2. Caryn Elaine Johnson

3. Carlos Erwin Estevez

4. Allen Stewart Konigsberg

5. Stevland Hardaway Judkins

6. John Roger Stephens

7. Mark Sinclair

8. Margaret Mary Emily Anne Hyra

9. Demetria Gene Guynes

10. Eric Marlon Bishop

11. William Jefferson Blythe III

12. Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson

13. Issur Danielovich

14. Michael John Douglas

15. Cornelius McGillicuddy

16. Ralph Lifshitz

17. Peter Gene Hernandez

18. Margarita Ibrahimoff

19. Natalie Hershlag

20. Eileen Regina Edwards

Chosen Name

A. Meg Ryan

B. Bill Clinton

C. Kirk Douglas

D. Elton John

E. Stevie Wonder

F. Vin Diesel

G. Demi Moore

H. John Legend

I. Whoopi Goldberg

J. Jamie Foxx

K. Rita Wilson

L. Charlie Sheen

M. Ralph Lauren

N. Woody Allen

O. Natalie Portman

P. Michael Keaton

Q. Shania Twain

R. Katy Perry

S. Connie Mack

T. Bruno Mars

Answer Key

1. D - Elton John - perhaps the most interesting part of Sir Elton John’s name change was adopting the middle name “Hercules” - he’s quite a talented entertainer, but I don’t see Hercules there.

2. I - Whoopi Goldberg - apparently Ms. Goldberg chose the name Whoopi in honor of the whoopie cushion, not the whoopie pie, so, gas, not dessert.

3. L - Charlie Sheen - Charlie was simply riffing off his father, actor Martin Sheen’s decision to abandon his given surname; his brother, actor Emilio Estevez, stuck with the original.

4. N - Woody Allen - regardless of what name Woody is known by, it has been forever tarnished by his marriage to his stepdaughter.

5. E - Stevie Wonder - who knew “Stevland” was a name? Probably a good decision to pivot from that one.

6. H - John Legend - Legend is among a group of celebrities who adopted a name which offered tremendous branding potential: Legend, Wonder (just above) and “Magic” Johnson are but a few examples.

7. F - Vin Diesel - perhaps prophetic, Diesel’s name evokes the imagery of vehicles; Diesel went on to headline the Fast & Furious movie franchise, which features many, many vehicles.

8. A - Meg Ryan - Ryan’s given name currently holds the North American record for most first names included in a person’s name, eclipsing the previous recordholder, George Herbert Walker Bush, by one.

9. G - Demi Moore - Moore’s original first name, Demetria, offered a clue to who possessed this name. Moore also appears in a separate category, those who revised the pronunciation of their name, in Moore’s case, from “Dem’-me” to “De-me’,” a category which also includes Joe Theisman, who shifted the pronunciation of his last name from “Theez’-man” to “Thize’-man,” as he positioned himself to earn the Heisman Trophy.

10. J - Jamie Foxx - perhaps Foxx was attempting to capitalize on the popularity of a raunchy standup comic in the 1960’s and 1970’s named Redd Foxx, whose real name, by the way, was Jon Elroy Sanford. Although if this Foxx was truly trying to emulate the original Foxx, he probably would have added an extra “M” in his first name, yielding “Jammie Foxx.”

11. B - Bill Clinton - there must have been a compelling reason for Clinton to step away from a name which was the third in a series.

12. R - Katy Perry - I imagine that Perry could not stomach the fact that her given first name sported an extra letter which did not belong there.

13. C - Kirk Douglas - unlike Emilio Estevez, Douglas’ son, actor Michael Douglas, did not revert to his father’s surname; he deployed the “Charlie Sheen strategy,” opting to retain his father’s new name.

14. P - Michael Keaton - maybe Keaton went in a new direction because Kirk Douglas’ son, Michael, already owned the name Michael Douglas in Hollywood.

15. S - Connie Mack - this one probably deserves an asterisk, because “Connie” is an accepted shorthand for “Cornelius,” and “Mack” is a logical truncation of “McGillacuddy.” I don’t believe that an actual name change was effected in this case. I’m simply amused by the name “Cornelius McGillacuddy,” and attempt to shoehorn it into conversation at every opportunity.

16. M - Ralph Lauren - one wonders if the popularity of the Ralph Lauren brand, complete with the polo player logo, would have been as strong if Ralph had stuck with Lifshitz.

17. T - Bruno Mars - Mars was anointed Bruno by his father, who thought he resembled Pittsburgh-based professional wrestler Bruno Sammartino. If I thought one of my kids resembled Abe Vigoda at one point, I still don’t think I would have nicknamed him “Abe” - there might have been some confusion with Abe Lincoln.

18. K - Rita Wilson - Wilson’s got another name: “Hanks,” a name she could have inherited from her husband, Tom Hanks.

19. O - Natalie Portman - possesses dual Israeli and United States citizenship.

20. Q - Shania Twain - perhaps “Shania” makes her “feel like a woman!”

How’d you do? Here’s the answer key which you can use to develop your score. If you correctly answered more than 15, either you cheated, or you need to get a hobby; if you correctly answered more than 10, that’s respectable, this was a difficult quiz; if you correctly answered more than 5, perhaps you should, you know, spend less time scrolling through TikTok videos; and, if you correctly answered fewer than 5, I think you should go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

If you scored below 100% on the above quiz, you need to subscribe to Rule of Three to enhance your knowledge of trivialities: simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).

John Wanamaker founded his eponymous department store in Philadelphia in the 1860’s, and his well-known observation that, “Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don’t know which half,” has served as a cautionary tale for advertisers ever since.

Wanamaker’s advertising plans in the 1860’s no doubt included: newspaper advertising, posters, handbills and messages engraved on cannonballs (“Come on down to Wanamaker’s and have a ball!”). Of those advertising methods, only newspaper advertising survives, and, in using the term “survive” in this regard I’m being quite generous.

Ironically, with the advent of digital media advertising, Wanamaker, and his department store, if either of them continued to exist (spoiler alert: they don’t), would be able to digest instant and immediate detailed feedback regarding the effectiveness, or “waste” of their advertising investment. They could clearly profile Wanamaker’s most profitable customers and prospects and target them incessantly with advertising via their smartphones, computers and toothbrushes (I’m making up that last one, but, if smart refrigerators are able to prod us to discard that milk carton which has crept past its expiration date, can you not imagine that someone, somewhere is plotting a way to bombard us with advertising messages while we brush our teeth?).

But even as we consider the issue of wasting half of advertising purchased to be settled, we can’t help but wonder if there are other elements of society in which half is wasted.

An old joke (at least it’s old to me; stop me if you’ve heard it before) about employees envisions a discussion between two corporate executives sharing information about their businesses, in which one asks the other, “So, how many people work at your company?” The response is (cue rimshot), “Oh, about half.”

The business environment also features many other “half” components: managers complaining about spending half their time in meetings; technological and operating process improvements intended to cut production time in half; and companies planning to trim their workforce by half. Statistics also reflect that half of all new businesses founded each year in the United States fail within five years - a sobering statistic, no?

Speaking of sober, halfway houses have long been in existence to assist addicts emerging from recovery programs (and from prison) to settle back into a normal life.

Those who implement plans which are not considered to be fully-developed are said to go off half-cocked (when firing a weapon, I suppose going off full-cocked is preferable), or executing plans which are half-baked. That is not the only “half” metaphor derived from the baking world - perhaps you’ve heard the axiom that half a loaf is better than none. . .as long as it’s fully-baked, I suppose.

Half measures or half-hearted efforts are considered to be inadequate. Another type of measure is that used in musical composition, each measure an element of the musical score, which contains the notes to be played by the performing musicians; some of those notes might be half notes, connoting two beats out of four in a measure. Although half-breed originated as a derogatory term for children of parents of different racial origins, particularly referring to children of Native Americans and white Americans, Cher charted a hit song with that title in 1973.

An oft-quoted statistic is that half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce; the actual rate examined recently is 41%, but there is no handy tag such as “half” attached to 41%, so we’ll have to continue to round up, in order to yield easily-digestible soundbites.

Boy, does it seem as if the word “half” is associated with many negative things? Well, how about running events such as a half-mile run or a half-marathon? Accomplishing those tasks can provide you with a euphoric feeling (I’m told) - the so-called “runner’s high.” And, when traveling, there is a sense of progress when discovering that we’re halfway there. Let’s not forget people who refer to their spouse as their “better half” - that’s positive, right? Although, that title suggests that there is a worse half (you!). Perhaps that’s why half, er, 41% of all marriages end in divorce.

Politics and sports are two arenas in which half is a key concept. Setting aside for a moment the nuances of the U.S. Electoral College scorekeeping nonsense, generally the candidate, or the sports team who earns more than half of the total votes, or points scored is the winner. And, in football, the halfback is the speedy running back who runs for long gains and touchdowns; the fullback is the plow horse who blocks defenders to clear the way for the halfback. Sports events also feature halftime, which at the NFL’s Super Bowl event is significant enough to merit its own spot in Neilsen TV and streaming ratings.

It’s not clear to me whether or not a half moon is a meaningful phase in the Moon’s cycle; it is simply the midpoint between the full moon and the new moon. But, it is absolutely clear that lowering flags to half-staff, or half-mast, if on water, is a tremendous honor. Unfortunately, typically one has to die to earn that honor.

Maybe the best analogy to complete this scholarly analysis is with the “glass half full or half empty” expression. That phrase takes a neutral stance between optimism and pessimism, allowing the participant to adopt whichever mantra is appropriate to his outlook. So, which are you: half full or half empty?

Half of you are reading this column without subscribing.  There's an easy way to solve that problem: Simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).