Facebook showed me a memory from 5 years ago and did the “then and now” and the now is horrible and heartbreaking.

At first today wasn’t so bad because only the two little ones started school so I was OK taking the picture. And then I saw Facebook and what the now should have been.

It should have been Eli and Noam at preschool and Akiva starting 4th grade and Ezra starting 1st.

It should not have been the only first day of school picture he ever took.

Akiva should have been excited to start school and finally be able to walk his little brother to his class.

Ezra should have been excited to be starting elementary school

Ezra should have been making faces with Akiva and not wanting to take the first day of school picture

Aside from missing Ezra every day the hardest parts are the should haves and what our lives should have been and who should have been here with us.

4 years ago today I had to tell my son that his best friend died and wasn’t coming back.

4 years ago today I had to tell our parents that their precious grandson had died.

4 years ago today I had to tell our siblings and nieces and nephews that their loveable crazy nephew and cousin was gone.

4 years of missing you and watching everyone else grow up

4 years of you not being here while our life changes and grows

4 years since I held you in my arms

4 years since I said goodbye and kissed you for the last time

4 years of waking up each morning hoping it was just a nightmare

So much has changed in those 4 years but what has not changed is the hole Ezra left in our hearts and in this world when he died.

We lost your light but we didn’t lose everything you gave to us and still give to us. You gave us so much it’s hard to put into words. You continue to give us yourself in your brothers. You taught Akiva how to be an amazing brother. In Eli we see your mischievous side and the love of making everyone smile. We see your fearlessness in Noam.

We see all this but it’s not enough. We want you back. We want you here with us. We wanted to be able to watch who you would’ve become and not just the pieces of you in your brothers.

We were unable to come to your grave this year because you had another brother born. I’m so sorry we can’t be there but we have the best people and friends who are there for us and making sure you are not alone.

I want to share with everyone something I wrote when we were there in January.

Ezra. We love you. We hope you are proud of everything we try to do in your name and that through it we merit to bring moshiach so we can be reunited and feel whole once again.

Ezra (written at the kever 1/25)

I hope you’re in shamayim with this baby and sending down a piece of you with it like you did with Eli and Noam. I see so much of you in them it’s both comforting and hurts. It’s comforting to see you in them and feel like a small part of you is physically here with us. But it hurts so much because I can just picture and daydream about how crazy and amazing my life would be and how much Eli and Noam would have adored you and followed you everywhere.

I’m finally home and it’s all hitting me. I am sitting on the couch holding this new boy thinking about how happy I am and how much I love all my boys and that I’m exclusively a boy mom and that feeling did not last long because I immediately starting thinking about the one that is not here. The one who we didn’t get to see grow up. The one that only met one of his brothers. The one who never got to be a big brother. The one I want to hold and squeeze and never will. I keep telling myself that he met these brothers because all neshamas (souls) are connected but it’s not enough. I want him to be here. I want to see the smile on his face holding his new brother just like the smiles on Akiva and Eli’s faces when they held the baby. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I can’t just be filled with love and happiness because one huge piece of me and one huge piece of my happiness is missing and will always be missing.

It was hard putting on a face and not reminding Akiva of the last time we went to a place like this and took a walk out on the dock. How similar so many things were.

How I wanted to say we should come back but honestly didn’t want to bc what if this vacation ended as horribly.

We took a family picture and it was hard but Ezra was there. Not just in the trauma and PTSD from the last trip 4 years ago.

He was there on my necklace, on my tournament shirt but more important he was there in his brothers. He was there in Eli and how he makes us laugh so much and his love of throwing things randomly.

He was there in Noam and how fearless he is and how much he loves the water and being around his big brothers.

He was there in Akiva and how much he taught him to be an amazing and caring and trouble maker older brother.

Ezra. It has not gotten easier to live without you but it is getting a little easier to see the pieces of you in your brothers and how they are bringing pieces of you back to us.

Today is much harder. The kids are in school and I found Ezra’s pacifier and it broke me. I got such nice cards from everyone but it was obvious his was missing. I stayed off social media because it’s so hard to see all the mothers saying how thankful they are and post a picture of their kids and I can’t do that because I will never have a full picture of my kids and it just makes me go back to everything and still be in shock that my loving adorable crazy little boy is dead and will never be in a picture with all of us. Will never play baseball or basketball with Akiva. Will never build forts and jump off things with Eli and will never care for and play with Noam. He was taken too soon and it’s been almost 4 years and I’m still so heartbroken and in shock.

I’ve decided that I will feel both.

Ezra. You were born on Yom Hashoah which is Holocaust Remembrance Day. At your bris we talked about how it was a testament to the strength of your great grandmother who fought so hard to survive. I don’t know how to feel about this now that you’re gone. Is it still a testament to her strength? I’ve decide yes it absolutely is and is also the reason we choose to celebrate today. The day you were born changed our lives. The two and a half years you were with us changed us and everyone around us (and even some people who didn’t even know you). You changed us for the good and it makes it so hard that you’re not here. You taught us to laugh and smile during a hard time (you were born in the height of Covid). You taught us to love more than we thought we could. You taught Akiva how to be an amazing and caring older brother. You taught us to love each of our kids for who they are because you are each so special. It’s hard to celebrate because you’re not here. We should be planning a party with you but instead we are having a party without you. We are having this family party.

It’s exhausting. And I am doing everything I can to not let this show so Akiva doesn’t know because it’s not fair to him. It’s not fair that his brother died and we are sad. It’s not fair that he doesn’t have his built in best friend, playmate and sleepover friend.

He deserves so much more than this so we tried for this birthday. So we did our best to make him forget for one night. To let him have friends sleepover and it was worth it. It was worth the loudness, the ball throwing in the house, the wrestling and chaos because he was so happy. I haven’t seen him like this in a long time and it was so nice to see him again. To see him laugh a lot and be in charge and be so kind and thoughtful to all his friends that were here. It reminded me of how he was with Ezra and how he tries with Eli but it’s different. Eli is 6 years younger and not 3. Eli can’t do everything Ezra would’ve been doing with Akiva.

Ezra. You are so missed and we all feel it. Whether Akiva consciously know it or not he misses you so much and we can see that. He misses his best friend and everything that should’ve been.

I figured it out and it was pretty simple and easy but I am tired of it. I’m tired of taking the most adorable picture of my boys but only actually seeing 3 of them in the picture. I want to change my phone background but I can’t because then Ezra won’t be in it. If I make a collage it will look like Eli is older than Ezra and that hurts.

I’m tired of doing family pictures and trying to figure out how to incorporate Ezra. I will never have a full family picture and that hurts a lot. It makes going on social media harder because I want what most people have. I want adorable pictures of my all boys. Ezra is always with us and always in our hearts and in our minds but it’s not enough. I want him back. I want him here with us so I can take pictures, hug him and watch him grow. Ezra, its so hard and I don’t know how to keep doing this every holiday and family centered day but I will because you brought so much love and light into my life and I want to give that gift to your brothers.

How old are your kids?

Where do they go to school? All of them go to Yeshivat Noam? (No. Two were supposed to be there but one is here)

Oh wow you come so often.

  Is this the first time taking the whole family?

   No. This is the third time. Once to move Ezra and twice to visit him.

   Do you have family here?

     Yes our son is buried here.

   What are your plans?

      Visit the cemetery as much as we can.

Is this a pilot trip? Are you making Aliyah?

   I tell people 2-20 years but what I want to say is we’ve already started. We’ve already bought land here and moved one of the most precious things that was ours here. We moved Ezra here because we know this is where we are going to end up.

We didn’t come for a vacation. We came to visit the missing part of our family that is here.

It’s so hard to leave Ezra here and go back but if I’m being honest with myself I’m not ready to make that jump and come with no support and start over again and I feel like I’m failing Ezra because we aren’t here. That I’m choosing myself over him and as a mother who can’t give him anything else it’s so impossible. I feel like I’m making excuses that it’s too much for Akiva because I feel so selfish everytime I think about the fact that my baby is here and I choose to not be.

But I also really feel him at home. In the place he actually lived with the people that knew him. I can’t give that up yet. I feel him at the cemetery but I feel him every day in our room. When I work in his room when I see his stuff or go outside and remember him playing.

I’m so heartbroken I don’t know what to do. How did it come to this? How am I sitting here at the kotel crying because my precious boy is gone and has been gone for longer than he was here. I miss him so much and miss what could’ve been. Please Hashem. I need moshiach. I need to know he’s ok. I need him with me. A mother should never be put in this position. I’m still so heartbroken and angry. How could you do this to me?

I am so torn. I want to come every day and just sit here and be there for here I feel the closest to you but I can’t. Your brothers need me. They need me to not be sad. They need me to entertain and to watch them and be with them doing activities.

I hope you understand. I love you just as much as them and I wish you were here with us. You would’ve really enjoyed the craziness your brothers have been getting up to.

I want to stay here. I feel you here. I feel your hug from shamayim but its almost Shabbos and I have to go back to your brothers who are waiting in the car. I love you. I miss you so much it hurts.

A rock hit a window and hit a girl right behind him. She has to have surgery now. The rock wasn’t thrown directly at the girl. It was thrown at a moving bus and shattered the glass and was a freak accident that it hit her. But that does not help.

Kids aren’t supposed to get hurt.

And I can’t talk to him like a normal kid bc it doesn’t matter how random and rarely this happens bc it happens and he knows bad things happen. I can’t reassure him that kids don’t die bc they do and he knows that.

And because of this I often have a hard time disciplining him. How can I care what language uses or what he does when he’s dealing with so much? How can I can take things away from him when he’s already lost his sense of security, his innocence in thinking kids don’t die and his best ally and friend.

The only reason we can smile and celebrate is because of the 3 here but my heart hurts so much and all I can do is think about what life should be like with 4 boys. How Akiva would probably (hopefully) be best friends with Ezra and have someone to play with and not only have to play baby games with Eli. How I would have bought matching pajamas and they would have been adorable. How I would have posted the picture instead of avoiding Facebook and instagram because it hurts to see others families full when mine isn’t. I know Ezra is with us always but I want him here with me now in person. I don’t doubt that there was a good reason for taking him away and extinguishing our light a little but that does not make it hurt less or make the holidays any easier. I am so thankful for these three boys that keep me moving while I am broken.

This is what I do when I’m anxious or sad or don’t want to process and I realized I’m doing this because of the tragedy in Australia. I was sad and heartbroken but I was really affected when I saw that a 10 year girl died.  It’s not just that a child died it’s that they keep showing pictures of her smiling and with her sister minutes before she died. It’s that I keep seeing things where her sister was asking if she had died.

It’s bringing it all back. It’s bringing back the picture I took of Ezra on vacation smiling so bright and climbing in things and acting himself. It’s the fact that the next day he died. One second he’s here with us smiling and the next he’s gone.

It’s bringing back Akiva waking up the next morning scared asking where Ezra was and me having to tell him his best friend is dead.

I know how much pain the parents are in right now. I think most people can see the picture of the girl and put it out of their minds because that’s life and they have to do that but I can’t because that’s my life.

But I have to live and remember and I did that last night with this picture. Ezra you will always be with us. Your little brother Noam is wearing your Chanukah pajamas. The first ones you ever got. I love that it says 2020 on it because it when you were born. Sometimes it’s hard to find ways to bring you into these family pictures but this time it was not hard.

May all the neshamas from the tragedy have the highest Aliyah and may moshiach come soon so we can all be reunited with those we’ve lost.

I was so happy to celebrate Eli and his 3rd birthday but it was so hard.

It was hard watching my little boy become a big boy (even if he acts the same) but mostly it was so hard watching Eli get to do something that Ezra never got to and a stark reminder that he is older than Ezra ever will be.

The older Eli gets the farther away from Ezra’s life we get. Eli was born only 3 months after Ezra died.

Ezra, your name was brought up so much this past week that it has been both comforting and a gut punch. Akiva thinks Eli’s new haircut makes him look like you. Eli was screaming in the car and Akiva reminded us that you were the worst in the car.

Sometimes it hits me and I can’t figure out how we got here. That we had you and you are gone.

You were missed and missing from the family pictures at the party and you are missed and missing every second of my life. I love you and wish you were here celebrating with us instead of in shamayim watching it all happen.

At what point am I “allowed” to get rid of it. If he were alive I would throw it out in a second bc he would have outgrown hiding in it and I would have new things to make me laugh. But he will not be making new memories and not making me laugh anymore and the ones I have are tied to objects in this house. Do I save this furniture or let it go?

It was hard because it’s a lot of family time and it’s obvious someone is missing.

But Ezra, you were there. You were there when your cousins mentioned you and remembered funny things about you. You were there when Eli finally started pointing to pictures and recognizing you and knowing it’s you not him.

You were there through it all but you were especially there on Simchat Torah and it’s something I will try to hold onto.

You were there when someone said that Noam looked more like you and not Akiva and Eli.

You were there at night when the Rabbi held and danced with your Torah, the one donated by friends and family in your name.

You were there when the Rabbi brought your Torah to your little brother Eli. You were there as Eli was lifted up to kiss the torah and the Rabbi whispered to him “give Ezra a kiss”.

You were there when Abba got the kol hanerarim aliyah. You were there when Abba stood under the Tallis donated in your memory with your three brothers while your Torah was being read. This was the first time I felt that all 4 of my boys were together.

You were there when the whole community you grew up in, the one you loved and the one that loved you, sang Hamalach. The song that holds a special place in my heart because it was sang to your neshama the whole ride from the Bahamas to NY.

Ezra it’s so hard that I found comfort in today because it means I am learning to feel you in other ways because I can’t hold you. I couldn’t watch you dance with the Torah or with your brothers or Abba but I felt you there today. You are always here with us. I love you and I miss you so much.

Everyone is getting ready and preparing themselves for the holiest day and I am just really missing you. I am trying to understand how I got here. How I got to this place where you are not with me. Where your little brother points to pictures of you and Akiva and thinks it’s him because he doesn’t know you.

Everyone will be in shul davening and I will be home with your brothers. But even if I could it’s too hard to go to shul. To look at the davening and ask Hashem to answer my tefillot for the good when that is not comforting because what I think is for the good is not always the case.

I can own up to my sins and ask Hashem for forgiveness but I have a hard time asking for anything else. Every year I davened for a good year. A year of happiness and growth and nachas from my kids and you died. I am so angry at Hashem for taking you from me. I have learnt that I can be both angry and believe in Him.

I hope you are looking down on us proud of us. Proud that you got to be our son because we were so proud and honored that we got to be your parents.

I love you and the one thing I can keep davening for is for moshiach to come so we can be reunited and I can feel whole again.

I used to hate losing the freedom of summer and the relaxed atmosphere but now the end of summer brings a massive wave of sadness with it.

Instead of sending 4 kids to school I send 3. Instead of having 4 kids take the first day of school picture I have 3.

I try so hard to not let this sadness show to my kids but I am always kidding myself. Akiva is so smart and self aware and knows what should’ve been.

Akiva woke up this morning and just sat on his bed really not wanting to get dressed and go to school and I’ll I could say was are you OK?

What I should have been able to say is aren’t you excited Ezra is starting at your school today?

Being a big brother and helping his brothers always gets him excited but in this case if I said that it would make it so much worse.

He was only supposed to wait 3 years to have his best friend at school with him. Now that won’t ever happen.

He has so many friends and he’ll be ok at school but he doesn’t have the one person I always wanted him to be with. He doesn’t have that sense of purpose of checking on his brother that would’ve made him forget the first day jitters. That would’ve made him so excited to start school.

Instead he has to walk in by himself.