In week one, you let your imagination roam free around your ideal sexual encounter, then paid attention to the gap between your actual encounters and this ideal. Then you wrote action steps to move you closer to the ideal.

In week two, you filled in the ‘Pleasure Pyramids’ and mapped out your absolute pre-requisties for sex, your nice-to-haves and your love-to-haves, plus your arousal spikes and your instant turn-offs.

Last week you worked through questions about what you most often think, but never say, during sex... and imagined how your intimate life could be different if these things were out in the open.

This week, you’re going to plot in visual form where your time and energy goes in the average working day and weekend day.

New clients tell me they feel guilty they never find time for sex... then when they plot out where their time goes they stop feeling that and realise they need to start consciously dedicating the time!

Plot your time in the pie charts below (which represent your waking hours). My suggested categories are: Work (W); Life Admin – housework, paying bills, cooking etc (LA); Family Time (F); Hobbies & Social Life (HS); Social Media/Screen Time (SM); Wellness – exercise etc (WL); and of course Sex & Intimacy (S). Feel free to add your own.

Then sit back and look at what you’ve plotted out. Are you surprised how much time goes to different areas? If you want more time for Sex & Intimacy, how could you tweak other elements? If you have a partner they should do this exercise separately, then compare pie charts. What action steps will you take as a result of what you’ve learnt?

I hope you have enjoyed this month’s exercises and they have helped you create a series of action steps, towards more and better sex.

Has working on your sex life like this been new to you? If you want my support to go deeper, just reply to this email and we can explore coaching options.

I hope you all have a wonderful final weekend of August,

Ruth

eventbrite.co.uk/e/reboot-your-sex-life-workshop-tickets-1997982917691

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Ruth

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eventbrite.co.uk/e/reboot-your-sex-life-workshop-tickets-1997982917691

Hi there, Something For The Weekend readers,

Let’s continue our ‘summer sex school’, where I share a coaching exercise, themed list of questions or similar each week, rather than a written piece. This week you’re going to consider what you most often think, but don’t say, during sex. You don’t yet have to share this with your partner(s); though this exercise may lead to that, it’s not the initial aim.

Answer these questions, in your own mind or in a journal. Use them to learn about yourself... then if you wish, to discuss with a partner.

• What do you most often think, but never say, during sex?

• Why do you not say it?

• How would sex be different if it was common knowledge between you and your partner - and respected as valuable information?

• If your partner were thinking this, would you want to know? How would it change your actions?

• What could be ways of communicating this, other than saying it out loud?

• What do you stand to gain if this was shared, and received/acted upon positively?

And some more general questions:

• If you could wave a magic wand and change one thing about your sexual encounters, what would it be?

• What would you happily never do/experience again in your sexual encounters? (this could be a physical act or a thought pattern or a worry)

• What would you most love to do more of?

See how it feels to think about sex in this way - at a time separate to when you’re actually having sex. Often people only bring full awareness and attention to their sex life during the act, then close the door on the topic until next time, and so never move forward.

We have one more August Saturday of summer sex school. I hope you’re finding these exercises fascinating - please do let me know.

Ruth

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Hi there Something For The Weekend readers,

Let’s continue our ‘summer sex school’, where I share a coaching exercise, themed list of questions or similar each week, rather than a written piece. This week: my ‘Pleasure Pyramid’ exercise. Draw three triangles/pyramids on a piece of paper as shown. Then think about your ‘typical’ month-by-month sex life (not ‘away on holiday’ or ‘special occasion’ sex).

In the bottom of the large pyramid write your absolute pre-requisites for engaging in sexual intimacy. It could be that you’re freshly showered; you’re not hungry; your child has fallen asleep soundly for the night; you know and trust the person you’re with.

In the middle section of the large pyramid, write your nice-to-haves. These don’t have to be in place but generally improve your experience and are achievable with just a little effort, such as having clean bedsheets, or particular music playing.

In the top section of the large pyramid write your ideals (keeping these possible in your month-by-month sex life). Things which take a more effort or planning but could still be achievable sometimes. These could be having a couple of hours free first for romancing; your children being away elsewhere for the night; making a special effort on clothes and grooming.

In the small triangle on the left, write your immediate turn-offs during sex, things which instantly flatten the mood. These could include your partner doing or saying a certain thing; hearing your child wake up; realising your pet dog is watching!

In the small triangle on the right, put arousal ‘spikes’ that increase your turn-on rapidly. These could be things like your partner’s orgasm, a particular fantasy coming into your mind, a particular sensation.

Then sit back and look over what you have written. What does it teach you? If you have a partner, compare exercises – what do you learn about each other? If you were to write an action plan for more and better sex, what would that include? Write out the actions that will make the biggest difference.

Put at least one into practice this weekend if you can. Congratulations: you are consciously creating a happier sex life.

Ruth

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It’s August and the holiday vibe has arrived… I’m going to keep things simple for Something For The Weekend for the rest of the month, sharing a coaching exercise, themed list of questions or similar each week. This is a bit “Your turn to do the work” – the time you’d have spent reading my articles, you can spend thinking about your own sex life, using these exercises or questions as prompts. Think of it as summer sex school!

[If you’re new here and want stuff to read, you can access three months of my Something For The Weekend back catalogue here on my Substack.]

Here’s your first August exercise.

You’re going to close your eyes and imagine your ideal sex session with your partner, or if you’re single, with someone you desire. Or apply this to masturbation if you are resolutely solo. Put aside real-life practicalities such as time constraints or privacy issues or sleep deprivation with young kids etc, but remain as ‘you’ (eg. don’t put yourself in a different body or at a different age; if you use condoms don’t not use them; picture your partner if you have one and are monogamous).

What is the time of day? What would you do immediately beforehand (chill out by going for a walk without your phone; have a long bath; watch a comedy show to lighten your mood)? How would your sexual playtime begin? What would you do and for how long? Who takes the lead and does that shift or change? Would it be serious or would there be laughter?

Remember there are no constraints on time, or on what you do or don’t do (so long as it’s all consensual of course). And include what you would do immediately afterwards. For some people great sex makes them want to have a nap but for others it revs them up creatively. In this exercise you get to choose.

Make a note of what you have imagined. Then think about your actual sex life.

How vast is the gap between the ideal, and the actual? How much time does the ideal take and how long do you give the actual? What about the activities you engage in? How about the vibe between you and a partner/partners?

Take notice of the gaps – not to judge yourself but as rich information you can use to make your actual sex life, better.

Lastly, come up with three to five actions you can take – of any size – to bring your actual encounters closer to your ideal.

Congratulations, you’ve just written a mini action plan towards your ideal sex life. Now go take one of your actions this weekend!

Ruth

August is here! It can be in holiday-time that we allow ourselves to recognise our sex lives aren’t as varied, pleasurable and playful as we’d like… If this month highlights that for you, explore how my coaching can help by booking a free chat by clicking here. And remember, my paying subscribers (£5 a month / £50 a year) get ten per cent off my coaching prices.

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More confidence, more pleasure, more safety, more playfulness - for you and your partners. Sexual wellness is a lifelong learning journey! Join me on that journey in my upcoming live workshops - the latest knowledge you need, presented in an upbeat, friendly, accessible way.

“Ruth’s signature style - confident, gentle, clear and to the point, on issues which most of us have not had education on from a loving, experienced teacher - is a pleasure in itself!” - Claire, 47

Here’s what I’ve got coming up for you in August, September and October.

All online workshops are online at 8pm (BST), with recordings send the next day, unless otherwise stated.

Reboot Your Sex Life: Four Steps From “Is this it?” to “Yes yes yes!” – Tuesday 25 August

Are you bored in bed, knowing you need to make a change but not knowing where to start? This workshop will set you on the path to creating the sex life of your dreams, whatever that means for you - be it intimate and connected, or kinky and experimental. The ideal first workshop in your journey of sexual exploration... and it’s only £10.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/reboot-your-sex-life-workshop-tickets-1997982917691

Down To Basics Beginners Striptease – in-person, London, Sunday 13 September, 1pm (places very limited, book asap)

This 1.5 hour workshop will include:

· An introduction to the basics of striptease

· How to choose the music, outfits and accessories that work best for you

· Basics of sensual movement

· Ruth’s five golden rules for a mesmerising striptease

· A feather boa routine, putting the five rules into practice

· A tipsheet for you to download

All welcome! No clothes are removed. The venue is wheelchair accessible. If you’ve ever been curious, come along!

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/beginners-striptease-workshop-tickets-1997984554587

How To Pleasure A Vulva – Monday 14 September

Want to know how to give vulvas - and those that own them - the greatest pleasure in bed? Then this is the workshop for you!From mindset and arousal science, to anatomy and communication, via sex toy tips and why some vulva-owners have faked orgasms in the past: I’ll cover all this and more... including the number-one passion-killing thing to NEVER say to someone with a vulva.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/how-to-pleasure-a-vulva-tickets-1998072134541

Your First Play Party – Monday 19 October

Curious to attend your first sex party and wanting to be well-prepared? Then this workshop is for you. “The workshop helped us to feel confident, connected, and truly prepared for our night - we were honestly blown away at how much of an impact it had.” Emily and David, both 34

Including:

• Are you ready to attend a sex party?

• What do you hope for from the experience?

• What might your personal challenges be?

• How to prepare for your first event

• How to communicate your desires...

…and lots more. Includes a Q&A session for live attendees.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/your-first-play-party-tickets-1998072318090

Better Sex For Men – Wednesday 21 October

I’ve been working with male clients for five years, and was a striptease artist for over a decade, talking to dozens of men from all walks of life every week. In this online presentation I will address the biggest concerns which bring heterosexual men to coaching, including:

• “Sex in my relationship has got boring. How can I make it more interesting?”

• “My penis isn’t big enough / hard enough / I don’t last long enough”

• “She almost always says no – how can I make her want it more?”

Plus:

• Do you have ‘delivery boy syndrome’?

• Arousal science you NEED to know (for yourself and her)

• What IS porn, actually (it’s not what you think…)

• Fantasies, kinks and more

• Age-proofing your sex life

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/better-sex-for-men-workshop-tickets-1998079179613

Classic Elegant Lingerie Striptease – In-person, London, 1pm, Sunday 25 October (VERY LIMITED number of places, book asap)

Learn a classic, elegant striptease out of full lingerie - boa, long gloves, bra, knickers, shoes, suspender belt and stockings. We’ll include basic chairwork and one floorwork sequence. Unusually from me, the routine will be semi-choreographed - a rare opportunity to learn a full routine.

Only open to students I have taught previously. Reply to this email for the booking link.

I hope I’ll see you for one or more of the above…

Ruth

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It’s a sex club.

Assuming the listing won’t be up as long as this article will be live online, I’ve screen grabbed some pics. Here they are:

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Something I hear a lot – and experience in my own life – is that we don’t necessarily realise when we’re getting overwhelmed until we look back on it afterwards. So here, a reduced or non-existent libido can act as a useful alert for us. Rather than seeing libido just as a passive symptom of us getting out of balance, we can treat it as a warning flag. When we notice “I’m not interested in sex this week”, we can check in, “Am I getting overwhelmed?”.

How’s your libido been this week? If it’s been low, ask yourself:

• Is there a worry that’s preoccupying you?

• Are you over-working?

• Is there a niggle with your partner that you’ve been avoiding addressing?

• Have you been lacking good sleep, movement and nutrition?

• Have you been low on quality alone-time?

• Are you over-giving of your energy to friends and family?

If any of those are a “yes”, then addressing those things is much more likely to increase your libido for next week, than trying to force it to switch on by watching porn or adding a similar outside input. In fact doing the latter and forcing it, can add to your stress.

This weekend, what can you correct from the above list? Do so as soon as possible and feel your libido breathe a sigh of relief.

Ruth

Summer is a time when we might step back from work a little, take stock of our non-work lives… and realise our sex life isn’t meeting our desires or expectations. Coaching with me is the fastest way to understand what’s going on and act on it, with an upbeat mindset, to increase your pleasure and happiness. Reply to this email to find our more.

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What can these husbands do about this, if they want their female partners to feel passionately towards them again? Step up and share the work of running the household. How do I know they are not doing this? Because their partners would not be counting them among their dependants if they did.

I find most men underestimate the impact that taking on more around the house will have on their sex life. I’ve worked with men who’ve been resistant to this for ages, and then when they’ve tried it and it has worked, have acted as if it were a magic sex spell. It’s not, it’s common sense. When their partner feels supported, understood and finds there’s less on her to-do list, and feels she’s part of a team with her partner not his carer, she’s far more able to feel desire.

Research out of Cornell University* confirms this: in homes where the housework is split equitably, there’s more and better sex. Where one partner takes on more than 65 per cent of it (and everywhere, globally, this is almost certainly the woman – even if the male partner is unemployed and she has a job), sexual frequency diminishes significantly.

A quick aside on the growing ‘trad wives’ trend, of young women actively choosing to run the home and have children while their male partner focuses on his career and ‘manly’ hobbies. When men and women occupied more traditional gender roles in the 1950s, there was higher sexual frequency than now – but women reported having far more ‘duty’ sex, that they’d have preferred not to have. That’s not a happy, healthy sex life; I’ll assume if you are part of my community you’re not a man thinking this sounds like a great way to have more sex in your relationship.

Instead if you are a man reading this thinking “I should step up my housework game” - ideally this means taking the initiative and doing more, not waiting to be asked. There’s good reason why managers get paid more than workers – there’s a much heavier mental load. “But when she asks me to do something, then I do it” is NOT good enough.

If you’re genuinely unsure what needs doing or how she wants it done, then you could observe what she’s about to do and offer to step in and do it instead, or simply ask her. Then repeat in future. And let’s be clear: expecting or asking for effusive thanks will instantly slam shut the libido window you just opened. You are not doing her a favour, you are simply an adult taking on your share of the adulting.

Get into this practice, and there’s far more likely to be adulting in the bedroom, too... *wink*

Ruth

https://news.cornell.edu/stories/2016/08/want-more-sex-split-household-chores

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Great sex starts with understanding yourself. Reading an article... listening to a podcast... watching a documentary... can all help. But the real understanding comes when you are supported through a process of self-enquiry. How do these things you’re learning actually apply to YOU? With your own unique life, history and desires?

This can start for you, tomorrow. Give me 90 minutes of your time and I’ll give you the foundations to understand yourself in a whole new way.

No need to feel shy: your camera is off and microphone muted. You can choose your screen-name to be anonymous. I won’t call anyone on to screen. You simply watch, learn, and fill in the accompanying workbook as we go though the workshop.

If it’s time for you to stop lingering and take action, then join hundreds of past viewers who are now creating epic sexual experiences, now they understand what matters most for them (it’s different for everyone).

Book your place here, and I’ll look forward to you joining me at 8pm tomorrow, Thursday 2 July (if you can’t make it live, no stress, you will get the recording the following day):

app.wearexapp.com/events/view/2673

(Paying supporters scroll down for a reminder of your free entry code.)

I hope you’ll join me.

Ruth

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In my bubble of social media, I’m seeing an increasing number of vulva-confidence posts. Women are being told their vulvas are beautiful, not smelly, ugly or disgusting, and nothing to be ashamed of. They can let their partners go down there without worrying, Hooray! This is something I have been preaching for years.

However, there is a but (but not butt)…

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app.wearexapp.com/events/view/2673

Paying subscribers scroll right down for your free entry code.

Welcome to the weekend, Something For The Weekend readers. Here’s something intriguing for you to turn over in your mind this weekend: where do the boundaries of consent lay, when it comes to our imaginations – when asleep, and when awake?

I have very vivid dreams. Most mornings Tech Support gets ‘the dream report’ from the night before. If I have dreams involving somebody who we actually know, I don’t necessarily tell them; some people can feel a bit weird and uncomfortable about others dreaming about them. But if it’s something particularly funny or quirky I want to share. I check in first: “I had a funny dream about you, do you want me to tell you about it?” It’s pretty much always a “Yes!”.

If it was a sex dream, however, I definitely wouldn’t share. Occasionally in my stripping years guys would tell me they had had sexy dreams about me, and that felt ok - I was putting myself out there as a sexual fantasy object, and in fact felt I must be doing my job very well if I was popping up in their night life! But it’s somewhat different if a person hasn’t presented themselves as dream-fuel.

How would you feel if somebody, who wasn’t a sexual partner of yours, told you they’d had a sex dream about you? That their imagination had recruited the image of you for a sexual purpose?

Now how about if that person told you they’d been having sexual fantasies about you, while awake? Does that feel different?

I think both are uncomfortable but the second more so than the first. Every so often I get unsolicited emails of “This is what I fantasise about doing to you”. I speed-skim-read, or get Tech Support to read them for me, as I do not want the details seared into my brain (even though so far they’ve never been violent or abusive). It feels like the literary version of non-consensual AI porn. Putting actresses’ heads on porn stars’ bodies is the manifestation in the real world of what people have done in their imaginations for so long.

We can all see that that’s wrong in real life. So where does doing this in our imaginations sit?

I was struck speechless when a man in a sexless marriage (who I interviewed for my newspaper article on compassionate cheating) told me: “I don’t allow myself to have sexual fantasies about my wife. She’s made clear that she doesn’t consent to any sexual activity with me, so it feels like I’m breaking that consent if I put her in my fantasies.” Wow - what a deep and profound application of consent.

But is that going too far? Do I think we should be policing our sexual imaginations?

If we took to heart this man’s application of consent even within sexual fantasy, would that mean we can’t fantasise about celebrities, let alone people we know? That would take a big proportion of fantasies off the table – although research has shown that it’s more common not to know the people in our fantasies than for them to be based on real life people. Or is it okay if it is a celebrity, because they have chosen to put themselves out there in the public realm – like I chose to put myself out there as a stripper – but not okay if it’s somebody one knows in one’s personal life?

I’m not going to come to a conclusion here in this newsletter. I’d love for you to turn it all over in your brain this weeked, and let me know what you come up with.

Wishing you a gorgeous weekend, from myself, Tech Support, and the Tansy that’s currently cooling down in the fridge…

Ruth

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Hello paying subscribers, thank you for the motivation you help me to feel by being prepared to part with £4/5 a month to support my writing. I don’t take it for granted.

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As a sex coach I know the majority of people can feel a degree of shame or guilt about their fantasies… and in fact that taboo element can be what gives the fantasies extra spice! But I get the sense, both personally and professionally, that we are in the midst of a mass shift around what we can find a turn-on.

“Some of my ‘go-to’ themes have been subject to sanctions over the past couple of years,” another woman told me. “Once I start questioning whether it’s okay to be getting off on imagining a certain thing, I burst my own bubble.”

Or the fantasy scene in one’s mind becomes overlaid with images from real life, broadcast for days and weeks on end in the news, and the turn-on becomes a total turn-off.

It’s certainly a fascinating topic! I’d welcome more shares if any of you are comfortable.

I’ll be reporting back on this and more in my updated Exploring Your Fantasies workshop, a week today, Wednesday 10 June, 8pm BST (not 9pm as I said in Saturday’s email). I’ll also be sharing the headline results from the biggest ever study of fantasies; experts’ views on whether fantasy can be harmful; wisdom to help you judge whether to tell a partner yours… and how to know whether to bring them to life.

The workshop will be recorded and shared with ticket-holders next day. So if you can’t make it live but are intrigued, please do still sign up.

My workshops run webinar-style: cameras and microphones off and you can choose your own Zoom name, so your attendance can be anonymous if you wish. Or if you have shares or questions, you can put those in the chat box.

The link is below. I hope you’ll join me.

https://app.wearexapp.com/events/view/2672

Ruth

Paying supporters please scroll down under the pic for your discount code to sign up for free. Join my paying community for free online workshops, Sunday Secrets more intimate writing, and discounts on coaching.

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It made me laugh because it reminded me of what I saw play out on the private party scene when I was a stripper. As restrictive licensing changes in mainstream venues made working conditions worse through the Noughties, enterprising dancers started launching their own invite-only, word-of-mouth events.

There were four or five that I knew of and I’m sure there were more. Each occasion had a small number of dancers paying a fair house fee to cover venue hire and the organisers’ time, then keeping all their earnings. The guest list was kept small and exclusive. Sometimes the events took place in pub back rooms but others were in hired apartments – shout-out to Marlin Apartments! Each got known for the services dancers there tended to offer beyond what was allowed in licensed venues.

People outside the sex industry assume that every man wants as much as he can get in terms of sex acts, but that’s not the case. Wherever a dancer’s personal boundaries around being touched or touching, there would be customers who shared those boundaries. And a private party to suit them.

I found my personal boundaries were:

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