Hello Awesome Human,

Many parents I speak to are worried about joining a group with other parents who have a child with an eating disorder. They are worried that their child might be doing too well or that their child is so ill that it will be hard to listen to other people. Perhaps their child has been poorly for a long time, and they don’t want to depress other people with that fact.

Sometimes people are too exhausted to spend time with others, because they feel they will take on their stuff and that they have nothing to give. Others feel too shy to share or carry the shame that can often come with an eating disorder.

For these and other reasons, there are ground rules in The Recovery Cwtch. Everyone knows that no one is broken and no one needs fixing. Comparison doesn’t serve anyone; each of us is learning how to support our own child in our own circumstances. No one tells anyone else what to do, and all feelings are welcome. However you are, and wherever you are, you are welcome. There is space for celebration and support.

Yesterday in the group, we were discussing our wider family and friendships. The challenge that our loved ones often don’t want other people to know what they are going through, and how to respond when someone asks how you are doing in the same way that one might talk about the weather. We acknowledge the value in being with people who ‘get it’, particularly when our wider circle have no clue how having an eating disorder at home impacts every aspect of life.

We celebrated a short trip that one family had been able to make despite a whole bunch of challenges, and then we acknowledged the grief and loss that most of us had or were experiencing as a result of the situation.

We discussed the importance of acknowledging the disappointments, whilst also framing our experience in a way that helped us choose powerfully and trust our own instincts. This was one of those sessions where we talked quite broadly. Sometimes we have a session where we dig deep into the practical issues someone needs to address. It is always led by what people need on the day.

What it isn’t is a moaning shop or a pity party. Every session, parents leave feeling better, sometimes with a new plan of action and sometimes with a renewed belief in their own ability, but always with more resilience than they came with. The Recovery Cwtch is very deliberately the safe space I desperately wanted when our daughter was unwell.

If this sounds like something you would like to experience, then we have space for two more parents to join us. If you know for sure that a group is not for you, I also have a bit of space for one-to-one coaching. Book a chat on the button below to discuss getting the support that is right for you.

I truly hope you are getting the support you need. I also know that recovery is always possible and there is always hope.

Sending you so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and use a WhatsApp group to share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

The end of summer is often a time of transition for young people. It may mark a new class in school, perhaps a new school or, for some, a move to college or university. If your child is in hospital or too unwell for education you may dream of these transitions. You will however still have times of significant change, and these can be challenging for everyone.

At times like these, everyone is likely to feel stressed and/or stretched. There may be mental or physical to-do lists, or the feeling of overwhelm and unknowns. These situations can change the dynamic and disrupt established routines.

What do they need?

One of the experiences I recognise from my own parenting, and I see daily in the parents I work with, is the desire to help our children. We want to make it as easy as possible for them. When we think something will be challenging for them, or they are organising something, we want to help. We spend time thinking about the best course of action and how to handle it. As parents, we frequently assume we need to be responsible and decide what to do. The biggest missing piece I see is finding out what our young person wants and needs.

It is so easy to forget how capable they are and assume we need to take charge. The kindest thing we can do is to ask. My invitation is always to stop making up in your mind what you think needs to happen and ask the people around you what they need.

If you get a response to this and someone tells you what they need, you are not responsible for meeting those needs. You may want to help them explore how to get their needs met, and you may want to ask if there is anything particular they would like you to do, but it is not your responsibility to do it all.

Taking care of emotions

One of the things that may surface in discussion is their worry and/or anxiety, and you may want to explore with them how they might manage their emotions.

In all of this, the easy thing to overlook is that it will affect you, too. It is important to ask yourself, ‘What do I need?’, ‘How am I feeling?’ If you have found yourself frustrated, lacking patience or overly tired, perhaps you are holding more tension and stress than you thought.

Taking care of your own emotional needs is vital in supporting your child. Sometimes acknowledging how you feel can make a difference. Perhaps you need to do some journaling; I often recommend doing a fear inventory. Being kind and compassionate to yourself is a great way to model self-care to your young person.

Nothing is forever

Whatever transition you are navigating, what and how it happens isn’t forever. It can be viewed as an experiment: try things one way, and if it doesn’t work out in the way you need, then it can be changed. Learning to be flexible and open-minded can be challenging for someone with an eating disorder and often rigid rules. Trying things and making adjustments as they go is a great way to learn to be adaptable.

Stay connected, stay compassionate to yourself and them. This stuff is tough; if you need a hand, let’s chat. Applications are open for a couple of spaces in The Recovery Cwtch (my support group for parents), and I have a little space for parents to work with me one-to-one.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

When your child has an eating disorder, life can feel unbelievably tough (it certainly did for us). There are times it feels like you are going round in circles, with the same conversations and perhaps the same battles on repeat. Sometimes you can feel so stuck that you have no idea what to do.

Here are a bunch of ideas to get unstuck - you can just try one!

1. Take some time to notice what is really going on. Reality and the story in your head are often different. Emotions can make things look worse and distort reality. It can be helpful to write down exactly what is going on or what you are worried about. Be as specific as possible. Check out what you have written by asking yourself, ‘Is that true?’ The aim here is to get clarity on the actual situation, not the stories you have in your head about the situation.

2. Widen your perspective. Last week I invited you to look back over the year to date. It is helpful to put where you are now in context. Are you actually seeing a dip in behaviour because there has been some strong recovery that has been stressful for your child? Are there any patterns? Do you have any sense of why things are where they are? Have you been in a similar situation before? What skills do you have now that you didn’t then? Taking time to put the situation you are currently in into perspective can open up ideas for you.

3. Notice wins/find things to be grateful for. Whatever is going on, there will definitely be moments when things are ok, or you get a glimmer of something good. Notice wins, however tiny they are. Find things to be grateful for, whether it is a nice cup of tea or a friend checking up on you. When things are tough, it is so easy to believe everything is awful, and it is important to remind ourselves that not everything is awful. Our young person is likely to make global statements such as “everything is rubbish” or “there is no point.” If we get good at noticing life isn’t that way, noticing that opposite things happen at the same time, we can gradually help our child to see this too. We can feel really sad and still laugh at a joke. We can be very worried and appreciate that our child is still speaking to us.

4. Connect. If we don’t connect with our loved one, it will be hard to influence their behaviours. And I encourage parents to stay connected with their child for its own sake. They already have a bully in their head nagging them to do certain things. What will really help them is having someone who listens to what it is like for them, who loves them unconditionally, and who they can depend on. I wrote about creating connection here. It can be very freeing to put down worrying about how to help them and just focus on being alongside them for a while.

5. Get clear on the future. By this, I don’t mean knowing what BMI or weight you want for your child; I mean what their dreams and desires are. You may be clear on this, and if you aren’t, I encourage you to chat to them and find out. This is what you are supporting them to achieve. Everything you do to help them in recovery needs to focus on what they want for their life, not what someone else has told them they should do or be.

6. Focus beyond the eating disorder. When you feel really stuck, the eating disorder can feel all-consuming for everyone. It is really important to focus on things outside of it. In the New Maudsley workshops, we talk about all the wonderful things your child was before the eating disorder as a blue balloon. The eating disorder is a red balloon. The red balloon grows until it obscures the blue balloon. To regain the balance of the stuff they want, our job is to notice all the blue balloon things. Notice the things they do well, how kind they are to their sibling, how creative they are, how organised they are. Whatever makes them who they are without the eating disorder.

There is a lot here, and any one of these things can make a difference to get you out of feeling completely stuck. This stuff is hard. The parents who work with me one-to-one and in my support group ‘The Recovery Cwtch’ get to practice these things in a way that works for their families. If you would like a hand, get in touch.

Let me know which of the above ideas resonates with you.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

I think you are a superhero!

I think that because if you have a child with an eating disorder and you are here reading this, I know you are exploring how you can best support them. That takes something. This demonstrates desire and resilience. Caring for someone is tough, and most people around you won’t understand the particular challenges that come with an eating disorder.

I regularly get the pleasure of witnessing how much the parents I work with have learned and how they show up again and again in really difficult circumstances.

This week I encouraged the parents in my group (The Recovery Cwtch) to reflect on the year to date:

• What have you coped with that you never thought possible?

• What do you know now that you didn’t before?

• What are you grateful for?

Take a moment to do this for yourself.

This kind of reflection periodically is helpful in reminding you how far you have come, the skills and strengths you have, and that you can carry on. It is essential for you to occasionally stop and look at the view. You may not be where you want to be, but wherever you are, you have travelled, and you will have learnt things that are worth stopping and noticing.

This kind of perspective-taking can be easier in a group, as other people will see things hard to see from your vantage point. Doing this with people who get it and understand your situation makes everything feel easier.

There are two spaces available in The Recovery Cwtch right now. If you are feeling stuck, exhausted or in need of support, then book a call with me using the button below. As much as I love group work, I know it isn’t for everyone. You can work with me one-to-one if that is your preference. Let’s have a chat and find out what is right for you.

Sending you so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome human,

In the early days of our daughter’s eating disorder (ED), my goal was survival. We did what we could every day to get by. She became the focus of what we did and what happened in our family. In our household, my husband and I did divide and conquer, with him spending more time with our son than I did. No one was getting their needs met as we limped from one day to the next.

Whilst what I describe is a normal and understandable response to an incredibly hard situation, it is not a great long-term strategy. As you are probably aware, ED’s are more normally a marathon rather than a sprint. No harm will come to ourselves or our other children if we are neglected for a short period of time, but if we are here for a while, it is important to redress the balance of focus.

Socialising and normal life

Many of the parents I have worked with have described how hard celebrations and socialising are. I remember realising how everything we did with other people revolved around food in some way. Going out for a meal, visiting, having friends over or meeting up for a picnic. Food was always front and centre.

There comes this pull between the needs of our child with an ED and the needs of other family members. Do we celebrate our other children’s achievements? How do we manage birthdays, and how do we stay in contact with friends and family?

The gap

As parents, it is common to fear that if we carry on as normal, our child with an ED will be left out. When we do some things the way we used to, the gap this creates can be a helpful fuel for recovery.

If we spend all the time doing things the way the ED would like them done, it is easy to lose sight of what ‘normal’ life can be like. When we do things that our child with an ED feels unable to join in with, we are creating a gap. This gap highlights the ways in which their life isn’t working for them. When they miss out on things they would like to do, there is the possibility of them noticing how the ED isn’t allowing them to live the way they want to.

There is a balance to be had between making reasonable accommodations so that we can encourage appropriate nourishment and recovery and not doing everything the ED demands. It is important to have times when we make a stand in our family and say we are doing this because other people’s needs and desires matter.

Creating normality

• Celebrations can be a good place to start.

• Decide what you would like to do.

• Ask everyone what they want (people are often surprised by what others actually want).

• If appropriate, give your child with an ED options, but don’t compromise the most important aspects.

• Make reasonable accommodations if it works for your core family.

• Do stuff even if your child with an ED isn’t able to join in. Remind them they can be part of it in the future.

• Don’t worry about what other people think.

Here are some examples:

Situation one:

Sarah has an ED and can’t bear having attention on her. She doesn’t want to have a birthday celebration. Mum really wants to celebrate her birthday. They have a conversation about who wants what. Mum explains that Sarah’s birthday is really important to her because she is so grateful for the day that Sarah was born and for her being in her life. She agrees that if Sarah doesn’t want to celebrate, that is fine, but at some point during the day the rest of the family are going to have a cake to mark the day.

Situation 2

Tim has been struggling with an ED for eighteen months. The family are getting together to celebrate his grandma’s birthday. There is going to be a big family meal out. A sit-down meal with a lot of people feels like too much for Tim, but his parents feel it is important to be involved. Tim’s mum asks if the family can meet in the park for a while before heading on to the restaurant. Tim, his parents, and siblings enjoy meeting everyone in the park, and then Tim’s dad takes Tim home while his mum and siblings go on for the meal with everyone else.

Situation 3

Tara’s brother has just finished his A levels, and his parents want to acknowledge all his hard work. Her brother would really like to go to a new restaurant in town that Tara doesn’t feel able to go to. Tara’s parents acknowledge everyone’s needs and desires and take Tara’s brother to the restaurant he wants to go to whilst one of their friends comes round to do some jigsaws with Tara.

All of these situations are less than perfect; they are not the way we dreamed things would be, but they help us to regain some normality whilst acknowledging this is where we are. We don’t have to lose sight of the life we desire, and by stepping towards it, we may encourage our loved one towards rejoining us in the parts of life they currently struggle with.

This stuff can be tough to navigate alone. In The Recovery Cwtch, I help parents to navigate the whole of life whilst supporting a child with an eating disorder. If you are feeling stuck, isolated or overwhelmed and would like to know more, book a call with me on the link below. I currently have two spaces available.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

Two weeks ago, I talked about the first of the two foundational recovery tools: ‘being present’. This week I want to discuss the second: gratitude.

Often when I talk about noticing our daughter had a problem around food, I describe it as the floor opening up and us being swallowed into this black hole. All my memories of the time are shrouded in a feeling of heaviness and darkness. It was the worst thing I had experienced in my life.

In this dark place, it is so easy to be consumed by how awful things are, everything that is going wrong and all the things that need to be different to how they are. If you have been reading these letters for a while, you will have heard me talking about the importance of focusing on what is working, what is going well and the parts of your young person outside of the eating disorder.

These things give attention to what we do want rather than what we don’t want. You will already have a sense of my belief that recovery lies in the positive aspects, not the darker ones. Whilst this theory may have an appeal, it can be easier said than done. It can require practice, and a gratitude practice is one way into that shift in focus.

In the early days of our daughter’s illness, I felt like there was nothing to be grateful for. I was scared and frustrated. I blamed myself for the mess we found ourselves in. Looking for things to be grateful for didn’t enter my consciousness. Once I read about it, it slowly became a tool on our recovery journey.

What do I mean by gratitude and what does it look like?

• I simply mean taking a moment to acknowledge what you are grateful for in this moment.

• Size doesn’t matter. You can feel the same amount of gratitude for a lovely cooling drink as you can for winning the lottery. It could be for the joy of watching a bird outside your window or a day in which a full meal plan was eaten without any resistance.

What do you have to do?

• Some people like to write their gratitudes down. I had a client years ago who would put a notepad on her pillow when she got up, so that she couldn’t forget to write three things she was grateful for from her day, before she went to bed.

• When you start something new, it can be helpful to attach it to something you do regularly to help you remember. Perhaps while you clean your teeth you can think of three things you are grateful for. I say my thank you’s first thing in the morning with a mug of cacao before I meditate.

• Having an object to remind you to have a quick think for the things you are grateful for can be helpful. I often keep a pebble on my desk or in my pocket, and when I come across it I remember to notice what I am grateful for.

• I have seen families who share what they are grateful for from the day around the meal table. Whilst sharing with your family can be a great practice, the meal table may not be the best place at the moment; you could do it on a car journey.

• You don’t have to stick to just one thing. Sometimes we get bored and need to do things in a different way. Don’t feel this has to be a rigid thing unless that helps you.

• How you practice is entirely up to you. What makes the difference is that you actually do it.

• Start with yourself. A practice you have learnt to use and found helpful is much more easily shared than deciding someone else in your family needs to change before you have done the work yourself.

• Remember this is not about pretending that everything is ok when it clearly isn’t. It is about remembering that good things are still happening despite all the horrible things.

Don’t underestimate the power of this small practice. One of the things that happens as your young person starts to recover is that you get used to what they can do now. It is easy to forget how far they have come. Our brains always adapt to our current circumstances (think lottery winners being no happier than they were before). Gratitude helps to counter this kind of adaptation.

Wherever you and your family are, gratitude helps to anchor you in appreciation for what is working and keeps the flame of hope alive.

I would love to hear what three things you are grateful for right now.

Thank you for reading this. I appreciate you.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

What do you have capacity for?

Each week I tend to write at the same time. This week I had been at a festival for the weekend and had very little sleep. When I came to write, there was nothing there. I had no capacity for the task at hand. I eventually recognised the futility of my efforts and walked away.

When caring for our daughter and then later on my mother-in-law, I experienced similar moments when I had to let go of things I wanted to do. I have learnt the more I can give myself permission to only attempt what I have capacity to do the easier.

One of the things I encourage people to do is ask what they would say to a friend. How would you bring compassion to someone else? How can you be compassionate to yourself?

I was working with a parent recently who was frustrated by how little she could achieve in a day. I invited her to appreciate how much effort was required to do the tasks she had achieved and to acknowledge how much more that was than a year ago when her child was even worse.

Our brains are exceptionally good at looking for problems to solve and can spend a lot of energy noticing the things we haven’t done. This means that, to counter it, we need to consciously acknowledge our achievements and what we are achieving.

When you are caring for someone with an eating disorder (ED), things are very different to before. Not only are there additional tasks to be done, but you also carry a different mental burden. There may be days when, compared to before ED, you achieve relatively little; that is ok. Appreciating how much effort is required in the current context to do what you did may help you bring more compassion to yourself.

There is no need for any sort of comparison with your old self or with other people.

You can only do what you can do.

That is enough. You are enough.

What one thing could you say to yourself at the end of the day to remind yourself you are doing ok?

Sending you so much love, knowing you are doing your best with what you have,

Ruth xx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and use a WhatsApp group to share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a call

Hello Awesome Human,

When our daughter was in the depths of her eating disorder, it felt like the darkest of times. It felt like the worst thing that had ever happened to our family. After her recovery, I set up an organisation that taught the wellbeing skills I had to learn in order to navigate her recovery journey.

There are two skills that stand out as crucial not only to recovery, but to life in general:

Presence and gratitude. I will talk about gratitude next week because presence is so vital it needs a space of its own.

Presence.

So much of my pain and suffering through her illness was a result of me spending time worrying about how long this was going to go on and what the future held, for her and us. When I wasn’t anxious about the future, I spent time pondering where we went wrong, what we should have done differently. Concerns about the past and the future took up huge amounts of my brain space.

The vast majority of our pain is in the past or the future. At this very moment we are surviving; we are actually doing ok. If we slow down and bring our brain into the present moment, we are much more likely to feel ok.

Both the past and the future are out of your control; one is gone, and the other isn’t here. The only moment you have any influence over is this one. The present moment is all any of us have.

Your child needs you now. They need you in this moment, listening to them, being alongside them, seeing their struggles, and supporting them through this current specific challenge.

Being present can be hard. We live in a society that encourages us to constantly be on to the next thing, our devices, work and commitments clamouring for our attention.

How can we stay present?

● I like to notice my feet on the ground. It reminds me that I am here.

● Taking a breath can bring me back to this moment.

● Slow down. When we stop rushing, we create more time to be in the present moment.

● Tune into your senses. You may have a dominant sense that brings you into the moment.

● Find something that is helpful to say as a reminder: ‘I am here, now’.

What might it look like?

Being present will look different in every situation, but here are some examples so you get what I am talking about:

Scenario 1

Your child is highly stressed about the food in front of them (or many other potential triggers). When you are present, you notice what they are doing and saying. Your responses are about the current situation, not nagging about the past or future. You might want to share your observations.

‘I notice your shoulders are scrunched up, and your fists are clenched; you look stressed to me. Have I got that right?’ (Asking if you have got it right prevents you from patronising or getting something very wrong.)

‘I am wondering if we can find a way to make this less stressful together?’ (It can be helpful to be curious about what they need, though someone who is very stressed may not think clearly, so you may need to make suggestions.)

When you are present with someone, you will notice their reaction. It may appear that they want you to shut up, and you might check that with them, or there may be a suggestion, either physical or verbal, that they would like a hand.

Being present, we are practising seeing what is actually here rather than what we think is here. Sometimes we come in with preconceived ideas about what will happen, and we can miss things that might lead to something different.

Scenario 2

Your young person comes in exclaiming they look ugly and fat.

You might be tempted to jump in and say ‘you’re not fat’.

Being present means being in this moment. My invitation here is to be curious. You might want to bring some curiosity to this.

‘I am sorry you feel that way. Can you tell me more?’

Our job is not to fix what our children are feeling but to truly listen to what is going on for them. After they have explained, you may ask them whether there is anything they want to do or need from you. You may find that having the space to express how they feel is what they need.

Scenario 3

Rather than being a separate scenario, this sits alongside the others. In any scenario, in addition to attending to things around you, it is helpful to know what is going on for you.

Perhaps your young person has slipped back into behaviours that you thought were a thing of the past. This might bring up all sorts of feelings for you. When you are present, you can observe what is happening.

Maybe you notice a tightening in your chest or a sinking feeling in your stomach. Perhaps you notice you are frustrated, angry or disappointed. By noticing and asking yourself what you need in this moment, you can create space to respond rather than react. When we make time to be present, we can deal with everything happening much more consciously.

Remember, it is a practice. Most of us have spent our lives anywhere but in this moment, so forgive yourself whenever you notice you have wandered off. My yoga teacher says that the moment you notice you’re not here is your mindful moment. Congratulate yourself whenever you are where you are.

Let me know the best way you find to stay present.

I acknowledge you for being in this conversation. Your children are lucky to have you exploring how to support them.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and use a WhatsApp group to share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

You don’t need me to tell you that it is a lot when someone you care for has an eating disorder. Treading on eggshells, holding your breath, quietly wanting to scream. Heaven forbid if some other crisis pops up somewhere in your life; it can make us want to run for our duvet and never emerge.

The emotional range we can go through as parents is huge. Our fear for our child is so real that they become our whole focus, and we simply get on with what we have to do, ignoring whatever feelings and emotions are bubbling up for us.

Whilst ignoring feelings may be a workable strategy for a short period of time, it is neither sustainable nor helpful in the long run. It may be entirely appropriate not to roar like a tiger at the dinner table when your own frustrations peak, but equally, these feelings need attention at some point.

An important point about our emotions is that, however we deal with them (or not), we are modelling to our children that that is what one does with feelings. The better we get at welcoming and processing them, the better our young people will get at doing the same.

Whenever my father belched, he would declare ‘better out than in!’ and whilst this disgusted me as a teenager, when applied to emotions, it has validity. In the same way I wish my father had kept his belching to himself, we don’t necessarily need to process our emotions in public, but addressing them is likely to create a similar amount of relief.

Here are some guidelines for managing your feelings and emotions.

Why is it worth acknowledging how we feel?

• When we don’t address our emotions, they can build up to the point where they spill over, and we say and do things we regret.

• Pretending things are ok when they are not teaches our children to deny their own feelings.

• Pent-up feelings make us mentally and physically unwell. If we hold on to too much for too long, it will show up in some way.

• Pretending is exhausting and unsustainable.

What can we do when we are feeling big stuff?

• Slow down and notice. Make space for yourself to acknowledge how you are feeling.

• It may help to write everything down - free writing, where we just write whatever comes out, can be helpful to see things we didn’t even know were there. At the end of this letter, I have copied a fear inventory, which I find a useful exercise when I am feeling big feelings.

• Talk to someone. I often think it can be useful to talk to someone not involved. People close to you may have their own agenda and probably want you to be happy, so they may find it hard to hear some of the ugly stuff you may be feeling. It can be helpful to speak to a therapist or a coach. If you speak to a friend, don’t be scared to tell them what you need. If you just need them to listen and not do anything, you may need to tell them that.

• Take a walk, talk to a tree, go for a swim, scream, dance, sing or draw. Sit with yourself.

• Notice your body, notice how it feels where. Notice colours, shapes, textures of your experience.

• I find meditation helpful. Tara Brach, Kristen Neff and Sarah Blondin are all people I listen to on Insight Timer. I find this Tara Brach track helpful.

This stuff can feel challenging, but being prepared to explore your feelings is helpful and freeing for you and your loved ones. As always, there is no right or wrong way to do this. Exploring everything you are feeling may feel way too much, and perhaps you want to start with clearing one tiny corner.

I’d love to know your favourite way of dealing with big emotions.

Sending lots of love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and use a WhatsApp group to share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a call

Hello Awesome Human,

I make the assumption that even if your loved one and you have been in an eating disorder dance for many years, you, as a parent or carer, still have a desire for your child to recover. When our daughter was unwell, my mission was to discover how to support her recovery.

In the things I read and listen to, the term “discovery,” rather than “recovery,” is being used more and more. I agree with those who promote it that it is a much more useful term. Our young person’s eating disorder will have started out in a way that supported them to navigate things that were going on in their life. Our wish for them now is to discover more helpful ways to cope with that journey.

Discovery can take away any judgment about someone needing fixing and encourage experimentation to see what does and doesn’t work. It makes space to try stuff and see what the outcome is without anyone getting anything wrong. It also doesn’t imply an endpoint, but the idea that finding what works is an ongoing process for all of us.

So, how do we support and encourage the discovery journey?

Look for the brilliance

Every human being has brilliance within them. A skilled sculptor sees the beautiful curve of the grain in wood and lets the natural material be displayed in all its glory. Whilst we are not there to manipulate as an artist does, we are there to see what already naturally exists.

It can be so easy to focus on the eating disorder and all the things we wish were different, but that is not the discovery journey. That is not where your child’s joy is hiding.

It can be hard to see the kindness or creativity in someone who is subsumed by unhelpful thoughts and beliefs. It is possible that your child will reject any mention of their skills or talents. For some, talking about their strengths may feel like pressure.

On the discovery journey, our job is to experiment and find ways to talk about things they love, and that light them up in ways that work for them. It may be that we don’t talk about the skills or talents they have, but about the things they enjoy doing.

Remember or create the vision

It is possible that at this moment in time, there is nothing they enjoy doing. The eating disorder may have sucked all joy out of their life. You, as a parent or caregiver, may need to help them remember a time when there was joy and things they loved doing.

This too can be challenging for some young people. Whilst we as parents may have perceived them as happy, it is possible that wasn’t their experience. Their eating disorder may have helped them move away from things that don't work for them.

While remembering can be really helpful to some, it is less so to others. We are back to experimenting and discovering. This is why you are better placed than any professional, because you know your child, you have space to experiment, and you can trust your own instincts.

When joy and happiness aren’t abundant for your child in the past, we get to help them create it in the future. This may be through conversations, talking about what they want. It may be through creating vision boards with magazines, glue and paper, creating Pinterest boards of the life they desire for themselves in the future. They may express their joy through the music they listen to, through writing, painting or poetry.

You may see them connecting with a friend, a pet, or a tree. Gently, when appropriate, helping them to understand that their future can be filled with the things that matter to them supports them on their discovery journey. It sometimes helps them want to explore further.

Make space for them (the power of silence)

I am so solution-oriented that I always want to jump to the answer. My natural desire is to tell people what I believe is the easiest way to do something. I want to help everyone. I particularly want to make it easy for my children.

What I know from experience is that my best coaching and my best parenting happen when I say the least.

When given time and space, the vast majority of the time, the answers our children need to hear are inside of them. They don’t need us to tell them. Given the right conditions, people hear themselves more easily than they hear others.

If you want to know what your child thinks or feels, ask a question and then shut up. Don’t fill the gap if they haven’t said anything yet. Don’t tell them it is not true or try to make it better when they say they are fat or ugly, listen some more. Don’t interrupt their thinking or processing. Only when you have left more time than you feel comfortable with, validate what you have heard, ‘What I am hearing is like you don’t like yourself much at the moment.’

Our loved ones can’t discover what they need unless there is space for them. We need to leave space for them to be seen and heard.

When we start to move most of our focus away from the eating disorder and entertain the idea of discovery, the journey can become much less stressful for everyone.

What one thing might you explore doing in the next week?

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and use a WhatsApp group to share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

Sometimes it is just so hard to function. When we are exhausted from lack of sleep, anxious about something happening to one of our children, desperate to impress at the interview we really want to do well in, or, in my case, over excited to see my children if I haven’t seen them for a couple of months.

In these heightened emotional states, our logical brain is difficult to access. We don’t think clearly; we may be more emotional, and it is hard to act effectively.

When we are caring for someone with an eating disorder, of course, we are going to worry; anxiety is an obvious companion, and these feelings, combined with additional things to do, are likely to impact our sleep. In these conditions, we then ask ourselves to do the most important bit of parenting we have done in our lives: supporting our child in their recovery.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these emotions. If you have read my letters for a while, you will know that I actively encourage you to witness and process all that you feel. In my view much healthier than locking them away in a box. However, with all this going on, it is difficult to do the things we most want to do.

Our most important job as parents and carers is to take care of ourselves. Unless we learn how to cope with these big feelings, meeting our own needs around sleep, physical, mental and emotional care, it will be so much harder to care for your young person effectively.

I completely understand how impossible or unimportant this may seem. I also understand that you may get it cognitively, but doing it is a whole other thing. In all we do as parents, it is helpful to lead by example. I am certain that what you want for your child is for them to be happy and healthy. If that is what you want for them, how are you demonstrating it?

A parent I was working with recently asked how she could help her daughter navigate a new experience. Mum was anxious about how she could help her daughter. In the conversation, she got that actually what was in the way of success was her anxiety. If she found a way to put that down, there was a much smaller challenge to deal with.

When we don’t take care of ourselves, it is so easy for our own stuff to get in the way. We don’t talk about important subjects because they upset us too much. Your child or young person needs you to listen, connect, and support. If you are on your knees from lack of sleep and worry, you are not available to them in the way they need you to be.

None of this is your fault, but it is your responsibility. The only person who can truly take care of you is you. That may be with support from friends, family, a therapist or a coach. I encourage you to get all the support you can.

Today, I invite you to reflect on what is the biggest thing in the way of you feeling able to cope? What one thing can I reasonably do to help with that?

My top tips are:

• Prioritise it

• Keep it simple

• Keep it small (doable)

• Commit to doing it regularly

• Get support (perhaps accountability from someone)

• Keep going

• Practice believing it is ok to prioritise yourself

I get it. I see you. Taking care of you can be hard, but it is your most important job. Your young person needs you.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

My biggest fear when our daughter was ill with an eating disorder was that it would always be like this. I hated how hard it was, I hated how it made us all feel. I hated how distressed she was, and I hated how it made ‘normal’ family life so difficult.

I didn’t want to be where we were.

No one expects an eating disorder to arrive in their family, and no one wants it to be there. It impacts everyone.

AND, just a reminder, whilst we are present to the misery of it all, it’s not your fault, it’s not their fault, no one is to blame.

So what can we do when our fears are at their peak, and we are somewhere we don’t want to be?

• Look for the glimmers - notice anything that is ok. A good cup of tea, the moment you saw them smile earlier in the day. The fact that your friend called to ask how you are doing. Notice every welcome tiny. Remember, this isn’t pretending that things are ok when they clearly aren’t. It is noticing that good things happen even when life is challenging.

• Focus on your child, not the eating disorder - In the New Maudsley Programme, we use a metaphor of a blue balloon and a red balloon. Everything your child was and loved before the ED is blue balloon stuff. As the eating disorder grows, the red balloon starts to obscure the view of the blue balloon. When we don’t like where we are, noticing as much of the blue-balloon stuff as possible gives us a different perspective. Talking about it reminds your young person of their life outside the eating disorder.

• Take small steps - committing to take tiny steps, whether that is taking care of yourself or connecting with your loved one. When we take these steps, change is unlikely to be evident in the short term, but in the longer term, they will make a difference.

Whether we see darkness or light is an inside job. When we feel at our worst, that is the moment to look for the tiny glimmers of light. They are always there. We change our view when we change the way we think. When we change the way we think, we change our actions. I get this is tough, and it won’t always be this way.

If you need a hand with any of this, book a free call with me on the link below.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

This weekend, we were away camping with a friend of mine. My husband and I hadn’t met her kids before. What struck me all weekend was how delightful her kids were. They were a wonderful mix of good company and self-contained. They did what was asked and offered help when they saw a need.

I am struck by Janet Treasure’s quote:

‘They alone can do it, but they can’t do it alone.’

All parenting, whether we have a child with an eating disorder or not, requires the balance between what is ours and what is theirs. I often think that an eating disorder takes us back through the stages of child development. Initially, our child may require a lot of support and boundaries from us. We may need to help and support them with more than their biological age would suggest. However, as they progress along their recovery journey, just as we would with a growing child, we gradually give them more autonomy and responsibility.

The environment in which this happens makes a difference. I like the term scaffolding, but context, environment, boundaries or foundations may resonate better for you.

What makes up the scaffolding for recovery/raising young people?

• Unconditional love - what my friend demonstrated, and I hear so many recovered people talk about, is how they knew their parents loved them.

• Compassion - this is easily overlooked, but vitally important. Life is hard. No one gets it all the time. Things don’t go to plan. Compassion allows us to see other people’s challenges and also be kind. As importantly, it allows us to see our own struggles and be kind to ourselves. Demonstrating self-compassion is essential; your young person won’t recover until they find it for themselves.

• Respect - respect requires us to listen to our loved ones, to value their feelings and boundaries. Respect is something we teach by demonstrating. An outcome of their discovery journey will be finding respect for themselves.

Our job in supporting our children is to provide the foundations or scaffolding that make it safe for them to explore and discover what works for them. As a parent, you will need to be sufficiently resourced to even think about these things, making your own self-care and self-compassion a non-negotiable in supporting your child’s recovery.

What are the things you need to provide scaffolding for you and your family? I would love to know your thoughts.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

Change can be challenging whenever it occurs in life, even before an eating disorder comes into your home. When going on holiday, there was more to think about and the last-minute anxiety of whether the passports were packed or you had made the right reservations. If you have a child or loved one with an eating disorder, change can seem extremely challenging.

Change could be any number of things, from going on holiday, a change of support team, the end of an inpatient stay, a move to adult services or/and going to university. All of these situations require some flexibility, a change in practicalities and sometimes a change in thinking.

Rigid or black-and-white thinking is not uncommon with an eating disorder. Many of the parents I work with have neurodivergent children, so this is very typical. How can we help them and make these transitions feel safe and easy?

1. Planning - when something seemingly stressful is on the horizon, it may be very tempting to put off thinking about it until absolutely necessary. Whether or not the change is optional, it can be helpful to use what the New Maudsley method calls ‘Decisional Balance’

Pros of no change Cons of no change

Pros of change Cons of change

I encourage you to jot down everything you can think of in each quadrant because it will be a great starting point to explore the things you don’t know and the areas you want clarity on.

2. Ask questions - when you know what you need to know, be prepared to ask questions. That might be from your child’s treatment team, it might be from a tour operator, it might be from your child or their intended university. (I used to go everywhere with a whole list of questions I wanted to know).

3. Talk with your child - Last week, I wrote about not knowing. You may want to use this approach to discuss things with your child. I would recommend involving them in doing their version of the decisional balance.

4. Discuss the challenges - forewarned is forearmed. Talk to your child about how they/you will get through certain challenges if they arise. It is worth considering and often reassuring to look at worst-case scenarios.

5. Be flexible - practice being ok with change. Perhaps find ways to demonstrate flexibility, doing some safe things in a different order or illustrating a choice where either outcome is equally acceptable.

6. Discovery is recovery - every change is an opportunity. Our long-term goal is for our loved one to navigate a full and enjoyable life. Every time they learn to cope with change, they are learning more skills on that journey. If they discover something they aren’t ready for yet, that is good information.

7. The bigger picture - when we navigate change, it is often easy to get caught in the details. We can find ourselves worrying about how specific meals may be handled or how we would rescue our child if they are away from us and having a hard time. It is important to remember where this change fits in the bigger picture of life:

Whether it is your first holiday away, a discharge from hospital or a move to university, focus on celebrating how far you have all come and that this is even possible. Put energy into what has been and is being achieved rather than noticing all the places you still wish things were different. Everything is an experiment, and you may find lots of things that don’t work. That is all good information on the discovery journey. Everything you do takes you a step closer to where you want your loved one to be.

One of the reasons for writing this now is that I know lots of people in the UK are in exam season, and often things change beyond that. I am aware that when our children are unwell, we may be holding our breath through this additional stress. It’s a good time for us to start planning what is ahead, so we can make the most of any transition time between now and the next adventure.

If you would like a hand navigating a transition with your child, then book a chat with me on the link below.

Sending lots of love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

What does the phrase ‘Not knowing is intimate’ bring up for you? What does it mean to you?

My meditation teacher said it recently, and it got me thinking about our relationship with our children. My default as a parent is to help them, and I am embarrassed to admit the strong desire to tell them what to do (I obviously think I know best). The things we have been told about an eating disorder may make this feeling even stronger. If we believe our loved one can’t help lying and they can’t think clearly, then surely it is our place to be in charge.

There are, without a doubt, times when it is helpful to have boundaries. You may need to support appropriate behaviours around food and exercise. However, even these things can be easier if they originate from a place of not knowing.

When we don’t know something, we need to step towards the thing or person we don’t know about. We need to explore and ask questions. We are more open and vulnerable, so it is easier for someone to communicate with us. When we truly realise we don’t know what something is like for another person, it is much easier for them to tell us than if they think we are just asking before we tell them what we think.

Not knowing makes us more curious. It allows us to learn much more than we would if we think we know. It opens both our hearts and our minds to new understanding. If I don’t know what something is like for you, I have to listen fully and explore slowly to understand.

If most of our communication can come from ‘please can you help me to understand?’, it creates an environment in which our young person is heard. Even when they aren’t choosing or able to speak with you, you can still make it clear that you don’t know what it is like for them and that you would like to know more.

We can use not knowing to find out what they want for their future. What they find specifically challenging about their eating, what they are afraid of. With that knowledge, we can help build a plan aligned with their desires and outcomes, not ours.

We live in a society that encourages the status of experts. We are encouraged to ‘know’. Connection and intimacy come with not knowing. When you tell me what you know or think, I don’t feel connected to you. If what you tell me doesn’t feel good to me, I’ll tend to push you away. If I like it and receive it well, I may put you on a pedestal and think you are better than me. Neither position is one of connection, and I am assuming it is not the relationship you want with your young person or with other people you care about.

We are so used to being expected to ‘know’, it can take practice to come with an open mind. How can you practice ‘not knowing’?

You might find a phrase that you can repeat to yourself as a reminder: ‘I don’t know what it is like for you, but I would love to learn.’

The more we get comfortable with not knowing, the easier life becomes. We are less afraid of all the things we don’t know because we come to understand that we can learn. Most of life is uncertain; the more we can embrace that, the more we demonstrate to our children that it is nothing to be scared of.

The more we appreciate that we don’t know about them, the more opportunity we have to connect with them and build a real relationship on trust and understanding.

The reason so many people are now describing recovery from an eating disorder as ‘discovery’ shows a recognition of the need to embrace not knowing in order to discover.

If anything in my writing resonates with you, please book a call using the link below. I would like to understand how I can help.

With love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a call

Hello, Awesome Human,

The subject of this letter is the title of a piece of research about parenting a child with both an eating disorder and autism. It is also the normal experience of families navigating their child’s eating disorder.

I remember so clearly my desire to find someone who would tell me what to do, what would happen or what the course of our daughter’s eating disorder might look like. We were unfortunate in that there were no eating disorder specialists on her treatment team, but I know from the parents I work with that the same is true for everyone.

You may be lucky and get some support for your child or loved one, but there are no definitive answers. I remember going to appointments with a list of questions I wanted answered, only to come away with vague ideas and feeling like I had nothing pinned down.

I was working with a parent recently, asking me what they should say in a specific situation, and I had a moment when I felt like I was giving an answer as vague as their treatment team.

In this conversation, I realised we were attempting to address the wrong question. We won’t know what to say unless we know what we are working towards. We won’t know what to say unless we get clear on what we or our loved one needs, and all this needs to be done on the foundation of connection, which I wrote about last week.

There is no generic answer that says, “If you do this… then that will happen.” No one can tell you the answer for your child in your family. The answers are internal, not external.

I first realised this when I read a book by another parent. It helped me to realise that with a few skills, I had what I needed to support our daughter on her journey. So much of supporting our loved ones is about getting clear on their desires. Helping them believe those desires are possible and supporting them in working towards them. Those aren’t things that someone else can tell you; they come from your own experience and knowledge of your child.

I appreciate that in this moment, you may want someone to tell you how to get your child to eat. Eva Musby has some great YouTube videos on understanding this, but how to do it is a matter of trial and error. In your family, you will need to experiment. Perhaps listen to some suggestions and give things a go. Sometimes you will get the results you desire, and sometimes you won’t. Treating it as an experiment lets you explore what works in your situation.

When we accept that no one else is going to either save us or tell us what to do, we make space to appreciate what we do know and learn the skills that we don’t have to build on that knowledge. You may be lacking skills, but you don’t lack the knowledge of your family.

Things changed for us when I stopped waiting for someone else to solve the problem. When I started asking “what can I do differently?” “What do I need?” and “How can I help?” Things were still challenging, but less frustrating.

When I work with parents, I share ideas about what others have succeeded with. Mostly, however, I help you to explore what you need in your family situation. No one is going to save you, but neither you nor your child needs that. I support you in finding your own skills and expertise so you can help your child do the same. Ultimately, realising your own brilliance and uniqueness is where recovery lies.

Sending you so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

This weekend, I got my communication all wrong! Our daughter didn’t get a place on a course she has wanted to do for many years. She was understandably upset, and my heart was breaking for her. The mumma bear in me wanted to pick her up and make it all better. I wanted to talk about options and what she wanted to do now. I was flooded with feelings for her. I was way too much.

All of our communication was at a distance. A bunch of WhatsApp messages and an abortive phone call. It took her asking twice for me to hear her say please stop!

So what did I learn?

To begin with, I was looking for the right thing to say. I was trying to listen to her, but ended up speaking too much. I tried talking about different things, but every subject bombed. With hindsight, I can see that one of the biggest problems was my emotions. My desire to help, the pain I felt, was all getting in the way of giving her the space she needed.

Self-regulation

It would have been helpful for me to slow down, acknowledge and deal with my own distress about her feeling upset. I would also benefit from truly understanding that our children’s feelings of upset are ok. It is part of life. Actually, it is part of growth and enjoying life. Without understanding how to get through an upset, life is challenging.

No one needs fixing

In my upset, I leapt to try to make things better for her. Even though I did this with some consideration and thought it wasn’t landing. This failed for two reasons: first, people rarely need us to make things better. They need to be seen and heard and are more than capable of making their own decisions about what to do. It is helpful for us to have faith in them to do that. It is way more empowering than leaping in and trying to fix it.

Connection

The second thing I missed was connection. Connection has value in its own right, not as a means to get somewhere. If, however, you have something to say, it is a vital step in effective communication; it has to come before any words.

How do we create a connection?

I invite you to think about your own family. You are an expert on connecting with them. How do you show you care? Do you tickle them, put a hand on their shoulder? Send a WhatsApp note or leave a post-it note to say I love you? It can be a look, a smile, standing alongside, or giving a thumbs-up.

It may be verbal: ‘I am always here’, ‘I have got you’, ‘I see you’ or a silly voice you have always used.

I heard of a family once who had a child in hospital, who found it too triggering to see their parents. However, the parents showed up daily and sat in the waiting room. Even though it took weeks for them to see their child, their presence said, ‘We are here for you.’

There may be times when we don’t know how to make a connection. In this circumstance, it may be helpful to ask, ‘How can I demonstrate that I am here for you?’ or ‘Can you help me to show you how much I care?’

If touch, presence, speaking or writing are all off the table, it is possible to feel it. Notice how much you love your child, feel it in your heart, and practice sending that love to them without expectation. This can be done in their presence or away from them, but whichever way, when you do have to say something to them, this will have helped to regulate yourself.

It is so easy to get caught up in the things we want to say to our children. But if we have managed to connect any words we thought we needed to say, will be far less important. Probably the less we say, the better.

Finally

Sometimes, whatever you say or do just won’t land the way you had hoped. That isn’t because you are a bad parent or you are doing everything wrong; it is because this is hard, and sometimes nothing can achieve what we want. Be kind to yourself. Everything you try shows how much you care.

This stuff takes practice. If you would like space to explore or practice this, then book a chat with me on the link below.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

PS. I’d love to know your thoughts on this. Your wins and when, like I did this weekend, it didn’t go to plan. Do share in the comments below.

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

In the early days of an eating disorder, it can be imperative that we are very boundaried and take a reasonable amount of control around eating and routine in order to protect our loved one’s health and sometimes their life. An unintended consequence of this can be that we start to focus a lot on the eating disorder and what isn’t working, what isn’t being done.

If we are not careful, we can find ourselves tumbling into the black hole of eating disorders. It is all we are aware of and all we focus on. Whilst we may in theory want recovery for our child, all our energy is projected towards the eating disorder.

Recovery, or as a brilliant mother and daughter (Mel and Millie), who I recently heard speak, call it ‘discovery’, does not lie in that dark hole. It shimmers on the horizon. It is made up of your young person’s skills, strengths and desires. Discovery is a light and expansive place, not the shrunken, diminished corner at the bottom of that dark hole.

Let me give you some examples in more detail:

The eating disorder hole…

Your child has been very poorly and has not been able to make any sensible food decisions. You have had to be completely on top of it, religiously following a meal plan, supervising as many meals and snacks as possible and implementing consequences when meals haven’t been consumed. When things don’t go to plan, because you care so much, you tend to over-explain why it is vital that your child eats, and perhaps even you can see that you are constantly nagging about what needs to happen if they want to start University in October. You think about food, eating practicalities, all the time and worry about how they are going to cope if they do leave home.

Though they are very close to weight restoration, you have read that this can be a difficult time, so when they want to go out with friends or restart some of the exercise they used to enjoy, your tendency is to remind them of where they have been and how careful they need to be.

For clarity, every bit of this is done because you love them so much and want them to recover.

The discovery journey…

Once a week, together you make a plan for what they need in place this coming week so they can fully nourish themselves. You discuss what they need from you and what support they need. Unless there is dramatic and prolonged deviation from this, the rest of the week is for living and noticing the good stuff.

You have started to notice more regularly how well your young person is doing. You notice what they do well, and you make time to acknowledge them and appreciate them.

When they want to do something, if it feels risky to you, you may get curious and ask them to explain their plans in more detail. If there are any challenges with it, you may ask them how they plan to address them. Perhaps your teenager wants to go camping or to a festival with friends, you might ask them if there is anything they are worried about. How do they feel about the range of food on offer? Is there anything they need to take to make it easier? Do they need to discuss anything with their friends in advance?

On the discovery journey, our focus as parents is to give as much autonomy as possible. When we trust our child, they learn to trust themselves. When we allow them to solve problems without interfering, they discover how capable they are.

Tools help parents and carers on the discovery journey

1. You have to be looking after yourself. You need to be able to cope with your own emotions (self-regulate) if you want your child to do the same.

2. Get some perspective. If we are too focused on the eating disorder, we can completely forget the bigger picture. Our job is to support our young person to live the life they want. To do that, we need to step back and see things from a wider perspective. If they do go camping for the weekend and only manage to eat half of their usual plan, what would the real impact be? What might they learn? What would the impact of this be in 12 months’ time?

3. Practice trusting. Trust is a very slippery thing for someone with an eating disorder. A completely trustworthy person can lie when manipulated by their eating disorder voice, so how can we learn to trust our young person again? As with all relationships, time and evidence build our faith, but unless we are willing to create space for those things to be demonstrated, it can’t be found.

4. Every day, notice one or two things your child has done well. When appropriate, you may comment on it, but make the practice as much for you as them.

5. Have some form of gratitude practice. Again, this is every day. While you brush your teeth, you could think of three things you are grateful for; maybe, if you journal, you record a few things you appreciate. Don’t get caught up in size; a delicious cup of tea or five minutes alone is as valuable for this as a discharge from the hospital.

I often feel like an eating disorder can take us right through the process of our children growing up once more. It starts with our need to have the kind of alertness and responsibility that they did when they were babies and toddlers. As they grow (recover) to build their own skills, trust, and self-esteem, we need to give them more and more opportunities to do their own thing. Eventually, they are fully fledged adults who mostly want us only when they want something.

I fully recognise how hard it is to move from being responsible for everything and trying to control everything to keep our child safe, to allowing them space to start discovering what they need to move forward. If you find yourself stuck in that first position, book a call with me using the link below.

Sending you so much love,

Ruth xxx

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

Maybe you have noticed your son skipping the snack he used to have when he comes in from school or going to the gym 7 times a week instead of 3. Perhaps you are aware that your daughter has been claiming to have eaten at her friends’ houses lately, and you can’t remember the last time she actually showed up and had a full meal with you. It is possible that your lively child has become withdrawn or seems to go to the toilet after every mealtime.

For us, it was that I noticed our daughter hadn’t brought a yoghurt to school for ages, which had been a given previously. My gut told me I should pay attention, but I thought I would wait and see.

Waiting and seeing seems a perfectly rational course of action with our children. Particularly if they are prepubescent or firmly in their teenage years. It is likely that a lot is happening. It is a period of change, and who knows what normal is?!

Society has given us a completely distorted picture of normal. We worship skinny, and anyone with fat on their body can’t possibly have an eating disorder. We think it is ok for our teenagers to diet or exercise because that is what we have come to normalise.

It is absolutely not ok for anyone under 25 to diet. Our young people need regular food to fuel the changes happening in their brains and bodies. Restriction at this point in their life makes them extremely vulnerable.

Raising your concerns can feel scary. One of the parents I work with described what happens when you address the possibility of a problem as ‘the point when it goes nuclear!’

When we raised the idea that we were concerned with our daughters eating it felt like it made everything worse. It felt worse because we could no longer hide that the thing we were worried about was happening.

The size of the reaction you get is probably proportional to the size of the problem. The more extreme, the bigger the problem. If you can have a calm conversation with your child about them eating enough and regularly, and about whether they have been purging, and they remain super calm, there may not be an issue. You may be able to chat about how prevalent eating disorders are and make a plan for them to demonstrate to you that they are eating regularly, keeping it down and not over-exercising.

If they are in strong denial or it does go nuclear, then a huge well done for addressing the issue and being brave enough to start the conversation and stop your child putting themselves at further risk. It may feel like you have made matters worse and like it is your fault that the proverbial apple cart has just been tipped over.

Here are some first steps:

1. Please schedule a doctor’s appointment to discuss your concerns (BEAT have a great handout for preparing for a GP visit)

2. Establish regular meals together. Three meals and a couple of snacks are necessary for a growing brain. Have them together.

3. Stay together for at least 30 minutes after food (encourage a toilet break before food, as you don’t want them going straight after).

4. Keep an eye out for obsessive exercise - three times a week for fun is very different to 7 days a week for 2 hours because they have to.

This is one of the times in life when waiting and seeing doesn’t make things better. Research shows that early intervention improves outcomes. Be brave enough to go through the discomfort to keep your child well. Teenagers often need a bit of guidance, and for yours, it may be about managing their food and exercise.

The landscape we all find ourselves in challenges our relationship with our bodies, food and exercise. Feel free to reach out if you have any concerns about what I mentioned here.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

PS. I have two spaces available in the Recovery Cwtch from 4th May. Book a call on the button below if you want to know more.

PPS. If this isn’t relevant to you, then please think about who you can forward it to because you never know who in your network might need to read this.

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call

Hello Awesome Human,

When we feel rubbish, everything feels harder.

The first thing to acknowledge, which the vast majority of media tends to hide from us, is that it is really normal not to feel ok. Given everything you have to deal with right now, feeling fed up, exhausted, anxious or scared is perfectly rational.

What I find for myself is that I am good at making myself feel bad for feeling bad. When you are in this state, it would be very irritating for someone to come along and tell you to cheer up. If that is the case, then it makes sense not to do it to ourselves.

Only you know what really works for you, but here are some ideas that I tend to fall back on:

• Notice what I am feeling

• Fully feel that feeling

• Ask myself what I am making that feeling mean, if anything

• Ask myself what I most need now

• Ideally, give myself that or at least the next best thing

These are some of the things that help me move through how I am feeling:

• Take some time to listen to a meditation (I love Insight Timer)

• Play some music, usually to match my mood rather than shake me out of it

• If I feel like crying, I watch a sad movie

• Go for a walk/read a book/go out/make something

• Find someone I can talk to who won’t try to fix it

There are no good or bad feelings; there are just feelings. Learning to treat whatever we are experiencing with equal respect makes life easier to navigate. Learning what to do in different situations is a helpful way to show your loved one it’s okay to feel. Tolerating discomfort can take practice. Next time you experience any discomfort, you might want to give it a little more attention before distracting yourself.

If you are feeling completely stuck in a rubbish place, book a call using the link below and let’s chat.

Sending so much love,

Ruth xxx

p.s. I found this that felt very relevant: A Meditation for The Days That Just Suck

You can work with me in several ways:

• One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)

• The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.

• I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.

• Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.

• Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.

To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me:

Book a Call