The entire album is classic Phoebe, but one song in particular struck a chord with me: ‘Lost Weekend (Reprise)’

The track explores grief and Phoebe’s complex relationship with her late father, something I am in the midst of navigating having only lost my father a month ago this Sunday.

The line ‘I am my old man’s oldest son’ took me OUT.

The phrase reflects her feeling of inheriting her dad’s stubbornness and role in the family.

But for me, the phrase calls back to a part of my gender journey that shaped me into the nonbinary individual I am today.

Growing up as an only child until I was 10, my dad used to call me ‘son’.

My dad would wrestle with me every night he came home from work, he taught me how to box and bought me my own gloves, he taught me how to use tools and build things.

Most of my childhood memories are ‘boy-related’ - & not the crushing on boy type of memories, but the boyhood type. Playing and eating dirt, making mud pies, scraping my knees and elbows.

My mum and him used to bicker all the time over my dad ‘turning me into a boy’ - which my therapist later said explained a lot about my gender identity.

I grew up in-between worlds; dancing on the stage in pretty costumes whilst going to work with my dad on building sites.

I wore Disney Princess dresses with Timberland boots and bruised knees.

So hearing this lyric from Phoebe really sat with me, because I too will always be my dad’s oldest son, even now I have brothers.

And since his passing, I have undertaken many of his roles, came home to support my mum financially and emotionally. I’ve even given my brother the ‘talk’ about sex because my dad wasn’t here to give it to him. I have inherited his roles, but I also see a lot of him in myself. My work ethic, my desire to build a family and give myself to parenthood, my stubbornness.

August is grief awareness month, and it’s the first time I’ve navigated grief as deeply as this.

I’m proud to be my dad’s oldest son. And Phoebe Bridgers, here’s the bill for my therapy session.

Have you listened to Phoebes new album? Did it tear you apart too? Let me know 👇

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I’ve had outercourse, and a digit or two, but I haven’t had anything more than that enter my body for a hot minute.

This wasn’t something I really decided, although I’ve never been keen on inserting anything inside myself, I have had penetrative sex over the years. However, in a previous relationship, penetrative sex wasn’t always on the cards, and eventually it just stopped altogether.

But after a recent exploration which resulted in a trip to the sexual health clinic, I discovered that I have vaginismus.

Vaginismus is when the vagina suddenly tightens up when you try to insert something into it.

Vaginismus is an automatic reaction, which you do not have control over.

It can be painful and upsetting, but it can be treated.

So, how did I discover this?

It first started with my first smear test, which resulted in me not being able to actually be tested because even the smallest speculum was too big. I have a blog on this experience coming out with Brook soon, so keep your eyes peeled for that! But in summary: my GP couldn’t insert the speculum deep enough to complete the test, and the amount she was about to insert caused me incredible pain.

Fast forward a few weeks and I decided to try with some solo sex, and when I tell you it felt like a wall inside my vagina, it was not budging. I wasn’t able to insert anything but a finger or two (with discomfort) inside myself. I was incredibly embarrassed and upset by this, but also I was annoyed because I just wanted to enjoy some penetrative sex after waiting soooo long!

So a trip to the sexual health clinic later confirmed my thoughts: it’s most likely vaginismus.

Now, I’ve always struggled with inserting tampons and I have had issues with penetrative sex over the years, including a mishap that left me damaged down there for a while, but I have been able to have penetrative sex and enjoy it.

However, it’s really common in women and those with a vagina in their late teens to early 30s.

What caused it?

Not having penetrative sex for two years DID NOT cause my vaginismus.

The reasons for vaginismus are not always clear. Some things thought to cause it include:

• anxiety or fears about having sex

• a painful sexual experience

• sexual assault or abuse

• an unpleasant medical examination or difficult experience giving birth

• believing sex is shameful or wrong

• a painful medical condition, like thrush

For me personally, I think its caused from my anxiety of NOT having penetrative sex for so long, and now wanting to try again. So my brain automatically freaks out because its been a hot minute, and my body reacts by tightening.

So, what now?

Well, there are many ways to treat and manage vaginismus:

Psychosexual therapy

A type of talking therapy that aims to help you understand and change your feelings about your body and sex

1. Relaxation techniques

Mindfulness, breathing and gentle touching exercises to help you learn to relax the vaginal muscles

2. Pelvic floor exercises

Squeezing and releasing exercises to gain control of the vaginal muscles

3. Sensate focus

Exercises to help with your relaxation during sex and increase your sex drive (libido)

4. Vaginal trainers

Tampon-shaped objects in different sizes to help you gradually get used to having something put into your vagina

For me personally, I will be trying relaxation techniques, as well as vaginal trainers with plenty of lube.

Does this mean the end of my sex life?

Nope! Firstly, sex isn’t all about penetration. I can and will still enjoy outercourse, but I will need to ease myself into penetrative sex, and if/when I do decide to be intimate with someone, I will need them to understand that I have this condition and that it isn’t their fault, or even my own fault!

There’s no shame in it - and ironically I’m literally training to be a sex therapist start September - so this is just the start of my journey!

Let’s all pray that Dee can get dicked down as soon as possible haha 🙏

It was a complete shock, a sudden death that shook my entire family and left me moving back to my family home with my mum and two younger brothers (14 and 18).

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Following his passing, I undertook all the responsibilities of organising his funeral and completing the appropriate paper work. I decided I wanted to take the responsibility on to not only help support my mum, but because I needed things to do to help to cope. I submitted his death certificate, organised his funeral service and cremation, wrote and spoke his eulogy, informed every organisation, family member and friend that needed to know.

However, in doing so, I needed to use my deadname - I chose to do so because it was easier as my legal documents are still in that previous name.

Every phone call, every signature, every conversation with family included my deadname. I was being called it every single day - from comments on Facebook to calls with his work clients.

And although it did sting at first, to hear my deadname during one of the lowest points in my life, one day, it didn’t hurt anymore.

With this came a lot of mixed feelings.

Some relief that I no longer felt that sharp pain of being deadnamed by family or professionals, relief that I could say that name out loud without cringing.

But also confusion as to why it felt suddenly ok.

I began questioning my identity, alongside dealing with the loss of my father and grieving a long-term relationship that had ended a week prior to his death.

I suddenly felt like an imposter. Me, Dee, who had changed their name over 4 years ago was using their deadname in conversations daily. It sent me into a mini spiral, my life was already fractured, but now an internal part of my identity was also in the balance.

After many nights of deep thoughts and talks with friends and my mum, I came to realise that it was not about being cisgender, or less trans, or even liking my birth name… it was about who named me, who was one of the first people to call me it, what that name stood for in my memory and childhood.

My birth name went from a deep source of pain and dysphoria, to something I cherished.

I went through all of my fathers belongings, and he had written my name hundreds of times. Seeing it, in his handwriting, hurt but for a different reasons.

This is not to say you can use my deadname, but it is to say I am viewing my previous name in a different way.

It was connected to a part of my life that has now come to an end. And it felt weirdly right to use my birth name when organising things for my father, because even though he used ‘Dee’, he also had many nicknames for me that derived from my birth name. Nicknames I wish I could hear him say one more time.

It’s fascinating how you can reclaim parts of yourself in difficult moments in your life. Suddenly, that name feels like a call back to how things were, and although I won’t be using it on the regular, it doesn’t have the same sting anymore.

Grief is weird. You find yourself reminiscing moments of your life that you never imagined you would. Such as a name or nickname you was once called.

I am still Dee, but to my dad I was Demi first. And that’s ok.

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For me, it’s meant I’ve had to completely avoid gluten or even may-contain gluten food and drinks.

However, as a sex educator, of course my brain went straight to ‘hmm, will this impact my sex life or sexual health?’

And surprising the answer is … yes!

Gluten in Lube and Condoms

After some research, I discovered that luckily most lubricants and condoms are gluten free.

Phew right? WRONG! Many mainstream brands you can buy in Boots or supermarkets are not gluten free or coeliac UK certified. What does this mean? Well, it means that many mainstream lubes and condoms haven’t gone through the vigorous testing that food items undergo to be legally classed as safe for those of us with coeliac disease. It also means cross contamination is a possibility. Condoms made with latex rubber, synthetic rubber, or plastic that does not contain gluten are safe, but it may not be gluten free based on what lubricant or flavouring the company has used.

Most water-based, non-scented and non-flavoured lubes and condoms are okay to use, but flavoured ones may have hidden gluten or cereals in them.

You may be wondering… Dee, you can only have a gluten reaction if you consume gluten as a coeliac! Yes, that is true - but if you’re using lube or condoms for giving oral sex, or you happen to make out with someone after they’ve gone down on you, then you may still have a reaction.

What lubes can I use then?

Coeliac.com shared this list of lubes/brands that are gluten free certified:

• Aloe Cadabra

• Fougera

• K-Y

• Liquid Passion

• LOLA

• Lube Life

• Turn On

• Shibari

So, if you’re a coeliac like me, make sure to check your condoms and lube!

Also, there are some sexual health conditions to consider if you have coeliac disease

For men and penis owners:

Those with coeliac who have a penis may experience semen issues (changes in number and/or mobility)

For women and vagina owners:

Those with coeliac who have a vagina may experience shorter periods, and can indicate future struggles with fertility.

Side-note: I’ve always had shorter periods, only bleeding for 3-4 days, so this was wild to learn!

Data analysis from iCureCeliac® found some interesting findings from participants who reported about sexual activity while living with celiac disease:

• 70% reported that fatigue or lack of energy has affected their satisfaction with their sex life

• 56% reported that gastrointestinal symptoms have affected their satisfaction with their sex life

• 50% reported that other symptoms have affected their satisfaction with their sex life

• 49% reported that pain has affected their satisfaction with their sex life

This is just the beginning of my coeliac learning journey, so if you have any tips or research, send it my way!

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It’s a commonly asked question, and one that I love answering.

No, a condom or tampon cannot get lost inside you, and that’s because your vaginal canal stops at your cervix. This means that a condom and tampon can do deeper inside you, but it can’t go missing.

However, the anxiety you experience when or if a condom or tampon goes deeper inside you then you expected is real. I’ve been there.

What happened?

When I was 19-20, I was having penetrative sex with this guy. We were using an external condom but I was also on hormonal birth control at this point in my life. Sex was… fine, but as he pulled out, he realised the condom had got ‘stuck’ inside me.

As I laid there, very anxiously staring at the ceiling, he reached into my vagina without telling me, and after some rummaging, pulled it out. He was relieved he had retrieved the condom, whilst I laid there, shocked at what had just happened. Of course, looking back, he should have communicated with me about what had happened and what we needed to do instead of just re-entering my vagina, but I also know his anxiety was heightened and he panicked too.

This had never happened to me before, and weirdly hasn’t since.

Afterwards I ordered an at-home test kit and took emergency hormonal contraception just to be safe.

I was completely embarrassed about this incident for years. In fact, I don’t think I’ve EVER spoken about it before, but now I know it’s just something that can happen when you’re engaging in penetrative sex with a condom. There’s no shame in it.

So, what do you do if a condom gets stuck?

1. Firstly, take a deep breath and remind yourself that the condom hasn’t disappeared, just stayed inside your vaginal canal. It won’t go missing inside your body, you will be able to get it out.

2. Once you are relaxed, reach inside your vagina with a clean finger - PLEASE do not use anything such as tweezers or scissors to get it out as this can cause further harm to your vagina and vulva!!

3. Feel around for the condom, as the condom might be deep in your vagina.

4. You can also try putting one leg up on the toilet or squatting and bearing down (pushing your pelvic muscles, like you're trying to pee or poop). This can help you reach deeper in your vagina or push the condom down lower so you can grab it easier.

5. If you are struggling, a warm bath can also be a good option as it will relax your muscles and means you can open your legs whilst leaning on the bath for support.

6. If you need to, you can use some lube to help but be mindful to not use too much as you need to have some grip to pull the condom out.

7. Once you feel the condom, gently pull it down toward your vaginal opening with your finger. It might feel slippery and hard to grab, and you may have to use two fingers to pull it out.

8. If it is easier for someone else to do it, because it can be difficult when you’re already anxious, be sure to have a safe word for if you need a break or to stop.

9. And if you don’t have any one on hand to help, or you cannot do it yourself, contact your doctor or sexual health clinic.

The condom is out… what now?

As I did, it’s a good idea to take emergency hormonal contraception and to have an STI test.

It’s also a good idea to chat with your partner about why this happened. Sometimes it just does, but there are other reasons why the condom may have rolled off and got stuck inside you:

• using an oil-based lube or arousal gel, which degrade the integrity of a latex condom

• using a condom that’s too big or too small

• using condoms that are expired or have been exposed to heat

• the person wearing the condom losing their erection while inside the vagina

• withdrawing too long after ejaculation, once the erection is completely gone

• failing to hold the base of the condom while pulling out

• using too much lube on the inside of the condom

This is something they DO NOT teach you in Sex Education, but something that is very important!

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Ribbed and dotted condoms are regular latex or polyurethane condoms with raised ribbing and dots along the shaft.

But what is the point of dots? Well, the patterned surface texture can increase pleasure and improve sexual intimacy.

The ribbing, which runs lengthwise along the condom and around the circumference, is designed to offer more stimulation for both partners during sex while providing the same protection as non-ribbed condoms.

The ribbing can vary in intensity; some ribbed and dotted condoms may feature extra-sharp spikes or ribs that increase sensation even more. Condom makers design the raised dots to increase stimulation for the wearer’s partner, as the small bumps create a more intense feeling during penetration than regular, smooth condoms.

Fun fact: Condom manufacturers make these by moulding the condoms with ribbing and then dipping them in silicone to soften them and add extra friction.

The ribbing and dotted patterns can be particularly significant for those with a vagina who experience difficulty in achieving orgasm due to low arousal or sensitivity.

But lets back track, where did they come from?

Ribbed condom history

The phrase “ribbed for her pleasure” is famous enough that many people know the slogan before they know the product design. It sounds almost timeless now, but it came from a specific moment in condom history and advertising.

The ribbed condom design was patented in 1972, with the first commercial products launching in 1976 and 1977. The original product was called Stimula and was marketed as “vibra-ribbed” explicitly “for her pleasure,” with the famous slogan becoming widely adopted in the late 1980s, according to MEL Magazine’s history of ribbed condoms.

That history matters because it shows what brands were trying to do. They weren’t just selling protection. They were selling a new category of condom that framed pleasure, especially female pleasure, as part of the product story. At the time, that was a notable shift in tone.

The slogan lasted because it was catchy, direct, and easy to remember. It also gave people a simple explanation for an unfamiliar texture. Raised ridges became associated with a single message: this condom is meant to feel different.

BUT modern readers should treat that slogan as historical marketing language, not a complete sex education lesson. It centers one partner and suggests a one-size-fits-all result. Real experience is broader than that. Ribbed texture can be pleasurable for different partners, and sometimes it won’t feel different at all.

PLUS we need to remember that it isn’t only AFABs who use dotted and ribbed condoms. These condoms can also be pleasurable for those who enjoy anal sex…

..so the phrase should be ‘ribbed for everyones pleasure!’

Ribbed

Ribbed condoms have raised rings running around the circumference of the condom, spaced along the shaft. As the condom moves during sex, these rings create friction against the vaginal walls or anal lining - a lengthwise, sweeping sensation. Some designs concentrate the ribs near the tip to target the G-spot area; others distribute them evenly along the full length.

Dotted

Dotted condoms (also called studded condoms) have small raised bumps distributed across the outer surface, often concentrated near the tip. Rather than a sweeping friction, the dots create more localised stimulation - small, distinct points of contact with the nerve endings at the entrance and interior of the vagina or anus.

Both?!

Ribbed and dotted condoms combine both textures in a single condom. The most common format is ribs along the shaft with dots near the tip, designed to deliver both types of sensation at once.

Figuring out the best condom to use

There is no single perfect condom - everyone has a preference! What condom you use depends entirely on what you want to get from it, and what you need from it.

A useful way to think about this is:

• Choose ribbed if the goal is a gentler textured profile.

• Try dotted if the goal is more noticeable points of contact.

• Look at contoured if the main issue is comfort or fit for the wearer.

• Consider ultra-thin styles if reducing material feel matters more than adding surface structure.

Ribbed and dotted myth

Some people assume a textured condom is automatically rougher, riskier, or more likely to fail. That’s not a good assumption. Texture itself doesn’t mean a condom is unsafe. The bigger issues are poor fit, incorrect use, damaged packaging, and incompatible lubricant.

What feels “better” is also subjective. A ribbed design that feels exciting to one couple may feel barely different to another.

My experience

I have tried dotted and ribbed condoms before, but personally, I didn’t get any additional enjoyment and pleasure from them. They have benefitted previous partners however! That may be because I haven’t found the right ribbed and dotted condoms for myself, or because they simply aren’t my thing… and that’s okay!

Have you ever tried dotted or ribbed condoms? Let me know your thoughts on them 👇

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Most folks with a vulva have had their leg, thigh, or labia rubbed by mistake.

The reality is because of the lack of sex education, research from 2019 has found that 1/3 of cis men cannot label the clit on a diagram.

The history of the mystery clit

When it comes to mainstream sex ed, historically we were shown diagrams of the vulva and vagina, but had little explanation on each individual part.

The focus was mainly on the vagina (the actual hole for entry/periods) and the penis (which enters the hole). Current RSE does go into further detail about the anatomy of the vulva, with diagrams that aren’t terrifying or intense, yet the clitoris still seems to go misrepresented.

Even historically, the clit has been left out.

In 460 B.C. the clitoris, and vulva in general, was called ‘the shameful parts’ by Hippocrates. He encouraged a mixture of clitorial and vaginal stimulation as a treatment for hysteria, a medical term that he invented to describe the “disease” of female libido. His conflation of pleasure and “disease” would build the foundation of clit-phobia for millennia to come.

Between 130 and 200 A.D., Greek physician, surgeon and philosopher Claudius Galen added to that by writing that the clitoris was simply a failed penis.

In 1846, god-fearing citizens called the clitoris the ‘devils teat’.

It wasn’t until 2023 that we discovered exactly how many nerve endings the clitoris really has! For years we believed it had 8,000 - but in fact it has 10, 280 nerve endings.

It’s no wonder folks are still struggling to find it and see its true potential!

A more recent survey, commissioned by The Urology Foundation, found just 41 per cent of cis men aged 18 to 24 are aware of where the clitoris is on a person’s body.

But it isn’t just cis men. Many Queer folks feels anxious about being intimate with someone with a vulva for the first time because of this very stereotype. I was nervous before being intimate with my partner because it was a whole different world from what I had been used to.

For some of us who have never touched a clitoris, or even touched our own in a sexual way, this anxiety of ‘finding the clitoris’ is real!

So let’s get real… where is the clit?

All vulvas are different, they all look different, but the anatomical structure and the location of the clitoris is mostly in the same position on each and every vulva.

Image from Brook - which has MANY amazing resources!

To find the clitoris visually:

• Come from the top down from the mons pubis and look for the hood + shaft of the clitoris.

• The head of the clitoris will be at the end of the hood, before the urethra.

• If you’re using your own hand, place 2 outer fringes over the outer lips and leave one inner finger to slide down the middle of the vulva, as you slide back up you’ll find the clitoris head under the clitorial hood.

The best way to find the clitoris is to get hands on and practise finding it! Or if you are unsure, ask your partner/s, there’s no shame in asking and it can become fun and flirty!

Shame doesn’t belong in sex ed.

This time in particular was the first, and the most painful because the entire relationship was toxic as they come.

The first time I experienced someone using my own identity to ‘improve’ his own was with my second long-term partner. We had been dating for a little over a year, I had come out as Nonbinary during that time, and we had gone through some highs, and some VERY big lows in our relationship.

To summarise: he gaslit me, made me feel crazy for thinking he was cheating for the first year of our relationship. He then cheated on me with the same person I was worried about. We broke up after I found the text messages. He then stalked me at my work, sent flowers to my house, and tried to propose to me in a field near my house, yes that really did happen, with a ring that broke the second he took it out of his pocket. I was entirely lost in myself so stupidly got back together with him… only for him to continue acting inappropriately with girls and eventually he dumped me two years after… and got with a friend of mine who I have only recently reunited with over the horror of this man.

At one point I our relationship, he started to stream, and this is when I first noticed he had added a tag on his stream.

It was hashtag Queer.

Not hashtag Ally… just hashtag Queer.

I was confused by this, this was a man who told me I wasn’t Bisexual enough because I hadn’t sleep with another fem or woman. The same man that told me my identity (being nonbinary) didn’t make him non-straight in anyway because technically I was still a girl. The same man who outed me to his entire family after I told him I wasn’t ready to have that conversation with them. The same man who said trans women weren’t real women.

Dee from the future here: If I could have shaken baby Dee and told them to run for the hills from this man and relationship, I would have. Looking back, I concealed so much of my identity, and invalidated my own sexuality, because of this man and relationship. It was unhealthy, but I was young, dumb, and intwined in a very toxic situation. Therapy over the years has helped a lot, but he really did a number on me.

So, of course, I questioned him on this. Why would he add this hashtag to his stream when he wasn’t an ally in any shape or form, and had continuously thrown micro-aggressions my way throughout our relationship. And he had never stood up for me when his family had misgendered me, or said something outwardly homophobic around me.

He didn’t have a response other than ‘I’m an ally’… but I soon realised he was using the tag to a. reach audiences he wasn't able to reach on his own, and b. to purposely surround himself with Queer individuals.

And over time I saw him collect different types of members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Mostly Bisexual and Queer women… which later I learnt he had visited one of these individuals days after we had broken up, an individual I had been super insecure about because their friendship was NOT simply a friendship.

He would mention me in passing, but only as a way to insert my identity into the conversation to make him sound like a saint. When I was actually in the chat, talking with his followers and watchers, he would ignore me.

It’s why he also attended Pride with me, and started to do “charity fundraisers”… I say loosely.

Even when we broke up, he still used the hashtag and seemingly inserted himself into Queer circles in his new location.

If he had entered these spaces, and befriended Queer folks with good intentions, I would have supported that, LOVED it even! But he was doing this from a place of social gain, only showing allyship externally whilst behind closed doors, with the Queer person in his life he supposedly loved, he was the total opposite.

He was the first to use my Queerness to shape his own personality, but not the last.

Has this ever happened to you? Let me know

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Check out my ‘I think I went on a date with an ‘enby-chaser’ for a similar blog!

But in recent months, the nonbinaryphobia from outside and within the community has been draining.

Nonbinary identities are the butt of many jokes. I cannot count the amount of ‘septum ring, dyed hair’ comments I have received over the years, and believe me, I make these jokes too, but not at the expense of individuals within my community. And there is a unique form of discrimination faced by nonbinary folks that comes from within our own community.

Parts of our community are seen as ridiculous or attention seeking. I have seen an influx of abuse towards individuals with nature-based names (like moss, dirt etc) and those who use neopronouns. Individuals who micro label themselves as a way to better express the complexity of their identity are ridiculed online. And again, this is from outside and inside our own community.

I’ve been told I’m jumping on the ‘trans-bandwagon’, that I am simply a confused cis woman who wants to seem ‘special’.

I am constantly receiving comments and messages saying I am ‘woman-lite’ or simply a cissexual woman.

Yet, when I presented more masculine and androgynous, I didn’t face those sorts of comments. When I made content about binding or using trans tape, or shared my thoughts about starting hrt and changing my name legally, my nonbinaryness was validated and accepted. My transness was never questioned because I was presenting in a way that differed from how I expressed myself prior to coming out as nonbinary.

I recently shared a reel over on my IG from a creator (conorjengland) who spoke about the nonbinaryphobia they have been experiencing since presenting more ‘masculinely’ - or how society views masculinity. They shared that since letting their facial hair grow out, and not wearing or sharing as many feminine-styled outfits, their nonbinaryness had been denied and rejected.

They made a great point, that nonbinary people shouldn’t need to express themselves in a way that is ‘harder to read’ for the benefit of other individuals. And this really hit me.

There is a lot of discourse in the community around the phrase ‘nonbinary folks don’t owe you androgyny’, and a lot of pushback comes from within our community. Much like how trans women don’t owe us femininity, or how trans men don’t owe us masculinity, this phrase has always felt comforting to me as a nonbinary person who’s expression is fluid, every-changing. Nonbinary identities are about existing outside of labels, outside of binary expressions, simply existing as we want to, yet since the rise of the label in mainstream conversation, we have been placed into another binary box, and anyone who doesn’t either conform to androgyny, or dress in a way that differs from how they presented prior to coming out, are seen as less-than.

Transitioning is another area of our identities that are scrutinised. Nonbinary individuals experience dysphoria in a different way to binary trans individuals, and it looks different from person to person, day to day, which means for many nonbinary individuals medical transitioning isn’t always a possibility, or something they want, for various reasons.

And this is the same for binary trans individuals who may not want bottom surgery, or gender-affirming facial surgery, who may want some elements of medical transitioning but not other elements. I personally know many nonbinary folks who had to lie or bend the truth to access gender-affirming care because nonbinary identities and procedures aren’t accessible to us. I’ve even been told that if I don’t want ‘F’ on my passport, to say I am a trans man so I can have a ‘M’ marker… which isn’t what I want because I’m neither.

Nonbinary is a feeling, not a look. And I do believe the rise of discussions and display of nonbinary online has packaged it to be androgynous only, which is why so many baby enbies force themselves into androgyny when they first come out. Because that’s what we are shown to be true nonbinaryness. We see a lot of conversations around ‘gold-star’ lesbianism online, and now we are seeing this same concept being placed on nonbinary people, that the only way to be a true nonbinary individual is to be androgynous. And that the only way to be accepted and respected by cis and outer LGBTQIA+ individual is so be androgynous.

Then we have the race-element of nonbinary discrimination and representation. Individuals who look like myself - white - are often platformed whilst nonbinary POC individuals are pushed to the sidelines. I’ve had so many comments in the past saying ‘it’s always the white girls with septum piercings who are nonbinary’ - and unfortunately these comments come from the lack of representation of nonbinary POC individuals and communities. And we cannot ignore the fact that nonbinary identities are rooted in cultures that are non-white.

Nonbinary isn’t white. Nonbinary is expansive and includes many cultures and skin tones. Yet we only ever see the white androgynous nonbinary person with a shaved head and piercings represented and celebrated online.

This piece was inspired from a post I made, and then archived. It was a personal post exploring the things I can’t do as a nonbinary person, or rather things I can’t do being seen as a nonbinary person. Things such as: getting married to my partner, completing forms without outing myself, starting a new job without having to declare my old name, getting ID that reflects my identity, competing in sports, see past friends etc…

And these are things that many nonbinary individuals can’t do because we aren’t legally recognised in 170 countries, sporting categories only cater to sex/binary sex, legal documents don’t have options for us and it received a lot of love and support. However, some comments started to creep in that basically said nonbinary folks make these issues up for themselves, that we don’t face discrimination, we can ‘pass’ as cisgender, and that our issues do not hold a candle to binary trans individuals.

And this is the important part of this piece: yes, binary trans individuals, particularly trans women, are facing horrid discrimination, fearing their safety, being excluded from many spaces including sporting and toilets. As a partner of a trans man, I see the devastation new guidances and laws have had on him personally. As an activist, I continuously fight for the rights of trans individuals and trans youth, I am well-versed in these horrors and have never claimed that nonbinary folks have it harder, because we don’t.

Nonbinary individuals fall within a category of individuals who have had to cut ties with loved ones, move countries, fight for their rights every single day, fear leaving the house, and as part of that community, we have to remind ourselves of the hardship binary trans folks have and continue to face every single day.

But nonbinary folks are suffering at the hands of these guidances and laws, in different ways to binary trans folks, and our voices are often disregarded and ignored.

As a queer nonbinary person, I see a lot of similarities between how nonbinary and bisexual individuals are treated. The biphobia bisexual individuals face has historically come from within and outside the community, being told to ‘pick a side’ or that they want to seem ‘special’. And much like we tackle biphobia and hold a touch to it, we must do the same for nonbinaryphobia.

After years of being out as nonbinary, online and in real-life, I have had moments where I have questioned my expression and identity based on the perceptions and opinions of others, particularly other trans individuals. That is painful.

I’ve always felt like I’m inside the clique and outside of it as a nonbinary person.

We as a community cannot fight for trans rights without fighting for all trans rights. That includes nonbinary, gender-nonconforming individuals.

And with that, we need to stop the infighting, because if we are fighting within our community, those outside of that who want to tear us down are already winning.

I had been waiting for Obsession to premiere online, and this week I finally watched it and as a sex educator, I have some thoughts. Don’t worry, this isn’t an Obsession-hater review, I LOVED it, and these are the reasons why 👇

🚨 SPOILERS IN-COMING!!

Consent

We learn that Bear has a huge crush for Nikki, one he has been sitting on for a long time. He decides to confide in his best friend Ian, asking him for tips on how to confess his love to Nikki after all these years. Over the course of an evening, we see Bear desperately trying to tell Nikki about his crush, whilst we see Nikki have zero attraction or romantic feelings towards him, making remarks like ‘ew’ when Ian makes a joke about them driving home together. Bear chickens out of telling Nikki about his feelings, and decides to buy an old 1980s relic called a One Wish Willow. This willow allows the users to grant one wish, and Bear wishes that Nikki would love him more than anybody in the world.

It’s at this point we see Nikki take a backseat in her own body, being controlled purely by Bears wish. We see her take a 180, suddenly she’s showing romantic attraction towards Bear, even inviting him into her home to stay the night.

As Nikki is morphed into this version of herself that Bear has wished for, we see her mental state dimmish and her become a possessed entity that’s only purpose is to love Bear. At this point of the movie, I said to my partner ‘but she can’t consent to this?’ and low and behold, Bear has sex with Nikki even though he has acknowledged how weird she is being. She lays there lifeless, like a sex doll, she mimics moans you would recognise from porn videos whilst she stares dead-eyed at Bear.

There is no real consent here. Nikki is not in control of her self, her body, because she is under this spell which she never asked for, and therefore doesn’t have the ability to consent. She is essentially being forced to have sex with Bear against her will through the wish he had made. Bear knows why Nikki is acting so strange, he knows she doesn’t want to have sex with him because just before they are intimate, the real Nikki regains consciousness, screams and pushes herself away from Bear onto the floor. Yet, he ignores this. Ignores her body language. And proceeds to sexually assault her.

Curry has brilliantly explored an important element of consent. How sometimes our body may want to but my mind doesn’t. The wish Nikki (her body) says yes, whilst the real Nikki (shut inside) cannot say yes or no. She can’t stop this from happening. It also raises conversations about the pressures of partners because Nikki’s driving force is to love Bear more than anyone else, and that also ties into why she says yes to sex, but lays their lifeless.

Real, enthusiastic consent is:

• F: freely given

• R: reversible

• I: Informed

• E: Enthusiastic

• S: Specific

Nikki cannot give consent freely, as she is under control of bear wish. She cannot reverse the consent, because she is shut inside her body and wish Nikki is in control. The consent isn’t informed because Nikki has no idea at this time why she is now suddenly in love with Bear and is doing everything he says. Nikki isn’t enthusiastic at all, and Bear should have read her body language and stopped, but he didn’t. And the consent isn’t specific, because there is no conversation had about what they are going to do or not do.

This scene highlights every element of consent, and shines a light on SA in a way that is incredibly thought provoking.

Out-growing a relationship

Another element of relationships I enjoyed about Obsession was the portrayal of growing out of a relationship, or seeing someone in a different light.

I want to emphasise this by saying Nikki is completely under a spell at this point, so much of what she does is not her thought at all. However, once Bear gets what he wants, Nikki, his perception of her changes. She is no longer this coo, unobtainable, magic-pixie dream girl he stalks at work. She is now obsessed with him, by his own wish.

Of course, it is completely normal and natural to out-grow a relationship, or to see elements of a partner that you didn’t know before and don’t necessarily like. It happens, and sometimes that is the sign for the relationship to end its course.

But there’s a layer here, because Nikki is being controlled by Bears wish, she is trying to be everything he wanted her to be, and once she is, he no longer wants her. She has changed her (against her will) to be what he wanted, but it wasn’t enough. It’s a great representation of the impact of changing yourself (whether that’s conscious or unconscious) for your partner at the expense of your own health and happiness.

Which leads me to…

Self-care and self-worth

One scene that really struck me was when Bear left for work. Nikki stands up and says goodbye to him, and as the door closes and Bear goes off to do this own thing, Nikki stays in that exact same spot until he returns home that evening. By then, she is covered in her own urine and feces. When she snaps back to life and tries to initiate affection, Bear recoils and tells her to shower.

Nikki, due to the wish, only cares for Bear. He is the only one in the entire world who matters, including herself. And we see her slowly start to neglect herself. Her mental state depletes, her hygiene routine, and desire to achieve more than just being a good-little girlfriend all stops. And this is something that happens in many toxic and abusive relationships, but also healthy ones. Sometimes we put the needs of our partners above our own, in small ways this may look like staying home to look after them because they are poorly. And these small ways aren’t harmful, they show care towards your partner. However, when it comes to a point where an individual is depriving themselves of anything outside of their relationship, neglecting to look after themselves, to stay clean and healthy, to close off all ties to anyone outside of the relationship, that is dangerous.

Obsession reminds us that even though our partner/s means everything to use, we still need to be our own person.

The ‘crazy’ woman trope

Barker also explores the stereotype of the ‘crazy’ girlfriend/ex-girlfriend.

Yes, Nikki turns into this obsessed, almost exorcist level girlfriend, but she was made into that by bear and his wish. Bears actions, from making the wish to everything after the wish, led Nikki is become a crazy girlfriend.

As Nikki says to Bear, ‘This is all your fault! You wanted this!”

What adds to this is the fact the only way to stop Nikki acting ‘crazy’ is to end the wish, which the only way he can do that is to kill himself. Of course, this is a metaphor for leaving the relationship, not ending your life to escape one. The real Nikki will return when Bear is gone, and that’s because he is the reason she has changed. And other characters call this out too. Ian, who works in the same shop as both Bear and Nikki, is completely taken aback by how Nikki is acting and her new interest in Bear (because Ian and Nikki had secretly been sleeping together). Sarah, who also works at the shop and actually fancies Bear, even voices her concerns, telling him that Nikki had recently said they had more of a sibling vibe than anything else and that maybe she was using Bear to make Ian jealous.

Ian even pulls Bear aside and tells him he is worried that other people may think Bear is using Nikki. As Nikki is clearly showing signs of being mentally unwell or unstable at this time, their romance seems uncomfortable and unhealthy. This is emphasised when Bear seeks out Ian to help him reverse the wish. Bear arrives at Ian’s house covered in blood, talking about Nikki being crazy. In that moment the only sentence Ian can get out is ‘is she okay?’ - he is fearful that Bear has done something to Nikki, hurt her in some way.

Sarah’s death is another reminder of how Bears actions have caused nothing but suffering for Nikki, and Sarah too. Sarah is clearly sending Bear flirting vibes the entire movie, and it isn’t until Bear has Nikki that he decides to reciprocate those actions. He confines in her and rests his head on her shoulder. After this, Sarah meets with Bear because she had some information about Nikki. As they sit in the car together, you can tell they would suit as a couple, and they start flirting. It’s then that Nikki breaks the window and bashes Sarahs head on a brick over and over again.

Sarah’s death is completely on Bears hands.

But again, Nikki is the one he thinks is crazy.

And in the end, Bear doesn’t need to face the consequences of his actions, but Nikki has to deal with the trauma, and maybe even criminal consequences of Bears wish. As many victims experience after SA.

I genuinely really loved Barker’s exploration of consent, relationships and toxicity. I think it can be used as a good reference for discussing these complex topics through a very simple concept.

In summary: you cannot force someone to love you.

These are all very valid questions, flavoured condoms don’t get as much hype as external or internal condoms, and many folks don’t even realise they exist!

So why?

Flavoured condoms are exactly like internal and external condoms, but there are two key differences:

Duh, they are flavoured

And they can’t be used internally

Flavoured?

The reason we have flavoured condoms is for protection during oral sex. Many folks don’t realise that they can still get an STI when giving oral sex, and most people I talk to about contraception don’t know that they need to use a barrier method as they would for penetrative sex. Using a flavoured condom whilst engaging in oral sex not only protects you from STIs’, but the flavour is meant to be fun for the person giving head.

Plus some folks dislike the taste of latex or lube, so flavour condoms can be a great alternative.

There are so many flavours of condoms out. The basics being; chocolate, vanilla, mint, banana, strawberry…

And the not so basic being: cola, bacon, garlic and scotch…

🚨 Interrupting this Substack to quickly run through the most common and loved condoms flavoured because this is fascinating to me!!

1. Chocolate - obviously, chocolate flavour gives romance and it actually enhances sensual experiences due to the fact chocolate, or cocoa, stimulates our brains and produced dopamine (happy hormones)

2. Strawberry - again, a classic! Basic but romantic again

3. Orange - refreshing

4. Grape - this is a newer trend, grapes have always ben sensual (think of someone holding up grapes to an empire in Rome)

5. Lemon - which is fascinating as lemon was also used as a form of barrier method for internal penetration back in the day! It was believed that the lemon juices killed the sperm

6. Mango - again, refreshing

7. Mint - a weird one for me, because I don’t want someone genitals to taste of mint but each to their own

8. Banana - again, makes sense, also a phallic reference

9. Bubblegum

10. Vanilla - basic but a great option

Can’t be used internally?

Flavoured cannot should not be used for internal penetration as they can mess with your pH levels leading to a yeast infection, or cause irritation due to the flavouring and sugar.

The flavoured lube itself can also cause irritation, so avoid anything fruity.. or bacony going inside!

Why not have fun taste test session with your partner/s and find what flavour you like the best! Sex is meant to be fun, and safe, and flavoured condoms are a great option when giving or receiving oral sex!

What would your dream condom flavour be? I’ll be collecting this data so make sure you leave a comment 👇

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Which in my area (Sex Education / LGBTQIA+ inclusion and content) is supppeerrrr hard to come by at the moment. A role I applied for, thinking I would totally secure an interview at least with, had 200+ applicants!!

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And with the added pressure and anxiety of being out and proud as a queer, nonbinary person, worrying about whether or not I will be rejected simply because of my identity, the job search was killing me.

And that’s when I SMASHED an interview and secured the role next day! I was soooo over the moon! Finally, after months of searching…

But it wasn’t going to be a happy ever after for this enby…

So what happened?

As always, I spoke openly about my transness and my commitment to trans inclusion. This was seemingly accepted well… but one of the interviewers started making remarks about how they don’t have any trans colleagues, and don’t really have high numbers of LGBTQIA+ folks they support. He also spoke about a previous trans colleague who tried to help him to understand but the interviewer just couldn’t get his head around it and often made mistakes.

I brushed this off, thinking, ‘I can educate him and the wider team’… and ‘I can help reach out to LGBTQIA+ members of the community’… I didn’t think too deeply about the lack of representation and allyship in the company.

The interview ended and I got a call saying I had got the job!

But it was a call with my new boss a few days later that was the nail in the coffin. As we were chatting about starting dates etc, he misgendered me whilst talking about me in third-person. I thought, ‘no problem, people make mistakes all the time, I’m sure he’ll get used to it!’ - as I always would do!

But it was what came out of his mouth after that made me winch: ‘I can see you do some things online and have a book… you just have to be mindful of your beliefs’…

My beliefs? That Trans folks deserve rights? That the government is attacking the community? That certain celebs are funding hatred? That Trans kids deserve to grow up? That Sex Education is life-saving?… the list goes on

And that was the moment I remembered all the other red flags that had popped up during the interview that I chose to ignore for the sake of the job. My partner said something really needed to me: you’ve come this far in your career, been so open and proud of your identity, do you really want to risk working somewhere that has already said some questionable things about your identity and ‘beliefs’?

I decided for my own sake to withdraw my application. Which was super scary.

Why did you withdraw??

I can already hear the comments saying ‘and this is why trans people can’t get jobs! They give up! They are too sensitive!’

The reality is everyone should work in an environment where they are respected. I knew in my gut, this company wouldn’t have been it. Why should a trans person endure an anxiety-riddling role that they won’t achieve highly in just so they have a job?

I also don’t want to have to educate a grown man on how to understand and respect my identity - that’s trans tax!

Now I know I’m super lucky to have been able to turn that role down. But I’ve had nothing but support from everyone I have told this story to. I’ve been told I listened to my guts and that that took strength. That I prioritised my wellbeing. That the company is missing out on someone genuine.

And that’s all true!

Being trans and searching for niche jobs is tiring, especially when you have to validate your identity in every interview, watch for how the interviewers face changes when you say your pronouns, winch at the lack of nonbinary titles on the application form, dread having to share your legal documents, after spending hours researching the company…

It’s tiring, and I think Trans folks need more support in finding roles in organisations that actually care.

Check out my previous ‘hired then misgendered’ Substack!

A finger condom (also called a finger cot) is a thin pouch made of a stretchy material like latex which is placed over a finger.

Finger condoms aren’t necessarily just for sex, they are used to protect a finger cut from getting an infection, or even by doctors and dentists.

Different types of finger condoms

• Latex finger condoms: These are the most common type.

• Polyurethane finger condoms: These condoms are more durable and are a good option for people with latex allergies.

• Textured finger condoms: These condoms can add extra stimulation, think like ribbed condoms.

• Flavoured finger condoms: These condoms can add fun to the sexual experience.

• You can also use latex gloves (specifically for sex) or finger-sex toys.

How do you use them?

A finger condom comes rolled up like a internal condom. It’s placed on the tip of the finger, then rolled down to the base. Just as you would with an internal condom, be sure to check the packaging for tears or rips.

Before using a finger condom, it’s important to wash your hands.

After using it, be sure to throw it out and clean your hands again. Germs may still be on or in the finger condom, so don’t try to wash and reuse it.

When using finger condoms for sex, it’s important to use a new one for different parts of the body, like the vagina and anus. This helps prevent germs from spreading and causing things like urinary tract infections (UTIs).

What are some risks with using finger condoms?

• Finger condoms can fall off during sex. This means they can also get stuck inside the vagina or anus, but don’t fear, you will be able to remove it yourself or can seek help from A&E.

• Finger condoms that are too loose can roll down.

• Fingernails or rings can make a hole in a finger condom. Keep nails short and remove all rings before using a finger condom.

• STIs can be on areas of skin that a finger condom doesn’t cover.

• Do not use oil-based lubricants as this can tear and damage the finger cot.

Are gloves better?

In my sexpert opinion, finger cots are great BUT gloves are better. Not only because you are less likely to loose the condom inside someone, but you can change between fingers easily without worrying about wearing multiple individual condoms.

Nitrile gloves are widely available and a great alternative to latex, if you or your partner/s is allergic. Both latex and nitrile gloves can come powdered so it’s recommended you wash off the powder before use.

A bonus: finger condoms are also great for folks with bottom growth or small/micro penises.

What other contraception or sexual health topic would you like me to cover next?

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I was thrilled!

During our primary call we chatted about my experience, my work as a sex educator, and how my gender identity makes access to sexual health services more difficult and tiring. The C4 scout was really interested in my experience as a nonbinary person, which was a breath of fresh air. I left the call feeling inspired and excited to hopefully share my story and bring some much needed nonbinary representation to the screen.

I received an email a few days after the primary call: ‘we would love you to discuss your experience on contraception but also navigating the medical system as a non-binary person, too, as we feel that is also important.‘

I said hell yes!

Filming

The filming process was much like that of all C4 documentaries, nothing special. Throughout my interview, I spoke freely about my experience with hormonal birth control and sexual health providers as a nonbinary person. There wasn’t one question that I didn’t link back to my gender, because it was incredibly important to me.

Filming finished, I left, feeling like I was going to be the representation on TV that I craved growing up. That a little enby would see me talk about my nonbinary experiences and go ‘wow, they are just like me!’ I felt incredibly proud, and brave.

Then what?

Some time went by, as with most shoots, the editing takes the longest, so I didn't hear from the C4 scout.

The first time I heard the documentary was ready was through an invite to the audience-screening. This meant the documentary would still have some edits to go, but the bare bones was there and ready for consumption.

I unfortunately couldn't attend the screening, but a friend of mine did. I patiently waited for her to let me know how the screening went. Little did I know, she was anxious to message me…

Framed as a woman

When my friend finally reaches out, she informs me that the way the documentary, and my interview snippets, were edited together, no one would know I was nonbinary.

Worst yet: every single mention of my nonbinaryness was not used.

So, to an everyday viewer, I would be just another cisgender woman discussing my hormonal birth control experience. They had stripped my interview down to three single moments.

I felt sick. This would frame me as a woman to everyone watching, including people I was out as nonbinary to. I felt betrayed because they literally wanted me on to discuss my experience as a nonbinary person… so why throw all of that away?

Damage control

I instantly messaged my new manager, who I had signed with after the C4 film shoot, and told her everything. I explained how upset I was, how this was misgendering on a national and international scale. It wasn’t that they had not given me any real ‘screen time’, it was the fact my whole identity was erased.

I sat patiently, anxiously waiting for her to respond. And when she did, she said she would take care of it.

Following some back and fourth, the C4 scout said they could rectify this… but that they couldn't add any new clips, so instead would put ‘they/them’ on the screen during my first interview.

I tried to push back, saying this wasn’t enough. But the C4 gods work in mysterious ways, and my request was denied.

The premiere day approached, and I was riddled with anxiety. Wrecked knowing my nonbinary experience had been erased, completely ignored. I had intrusive thoughts: did they invite me on with the promise of sharing my nonbinary experience knowing they would never use it? Did the previous edits have my experience and someone higher up said not to use it?

The watch

I sat and watched the documentary with my stomach in knots.

Then I saw my face, and the excuse of a rectification. ‘They/them’ popped onto the screen and then disappeared. I winched every time my face was shown, because suddenly I felt lumped in with cisgender women after being promised to share my nonbinary experience.

When the documentary ended, I was left feeling really disappointed. Not only because of the misgendering, or the fact they cut out all my nonbinaryness, but that they didn’t think the statements I had made would make sexual health services better for everyone.

They didn’t think: ‘we shouldn’t have to leave our identities at the door to seek the healthcare support we need’ was appropriate.

Or: ‘healthcare professionals need additional training on how to support all types of people with grace and dignity.’

Don’t get me wrong, it was a huge moment for me, and one I am proud of. But it’s also one that hurts me deeply, knowing if my friend hadn't reached out, I would have never known my experience as a nonbinary person would be completely erased and overlooked. I would have sat there, happy as Larry, only to be devastated when I saw how I was framed.

To be honest, if I had known that, I would have never agreed to being in the documentary.

We NEED more nonbinary representation across the spectrum of film, TV shows, documentaries etc. I was let down. And it’s something I haven’t spoken about till now.

And don’t get me wrong, this trend opened up conversations about the age-old line ‘condoms just aren’t big enough for me’ or ‘they hurt/too tight’ and promoted the use of barrier methods for safer sex.

BUT…

Did you know that putting an external condom on your arm isn’t the sex-positive education you may think it is?

Isn’t accurate

Putting a condom on your arm or a large object to show how far it stretches isn’t accurate. The penis or sex toy itself, the friction used against the condom, the fact a penis will change change or go harder/softer inside the condom - this all impacts the condom. Putting it on your arm doesn’t showcase what a condom actually goes through (I know that sounds ridiculous!) and why it needs to be the right fit for the person.

Comfort

Yes, condoms can stretch to great sizes, but that doesn’t mean the bigger the more comfortable. Actually, a tight and snug-feeling condom is best! Not too tight… but enough to stay on.

One size isn’t the same brand to brand

Another thing is: condoms aren’t like clothing. Not all size Smalls will be Smalls. From brand to brand, the average sizing of condoms changes. So you may be a size Small in one brand, but a size Large in another. That’s why its important to find the brand\s of condom you like, and stick with that size in that specific brand.

It can actually be shameful

Boys, men and those with penises are often shamed about their size. I wrote a whole section about it in my book Beyond Bananas and Condoms, so check that out!

This demonstration may make folks feel insecure about their size, or make them buy larger condoms just to save face.

Okay, hear me out!

Obviously, I know that putting a condom on an arm is simply an exaggerated visual to make it memorable and leave the idea that you can always use protection, but it’s actually harmful, particularly towards penis owners and boys because it doesn’t teach about the importance of finding your size.

I don’t want to ban this technique, but education around sizing needs to be alongside it… and maybe just use a standard penis demonstrator.

What we should be teaching is that figuring out the right size and fit for you is vital, and that it doesn’t matter what size you end of being!

The idea of me being a mother felt alien. I never ‘played’ the mum in my friendship group whenever we played ‘family’. I was terrified of unexpected pregnancies as a teen, I can’t tell you how many unnecessary pregnancy tests I took for no reason!

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My dad always said, ‘you’ll grow into motherhood’ and my mum would say ‘you’d be a brilliant mum’ … but these comments went over my head because I was strong in my opinion.

But then…

It all clicked when I realised I was & am nonbinary. The idea of pregnancy, carrying a child, made me feel extremely dysphoric. Both physically and socially.

I knew people would only ever see me as a woman. Of course, we know mothers aren’t always women, but at the time, I was still newly exploring the nonbinary world and doing anything to separate myself from ‘womanhood’. The whole pregnancy thing would see me misgendered by doctors, nurses, family members, & anyone who saw my belly.

I also knew that the natural bodily changes that occur with pregnancy would make me feel extremely dysphoric: weight gain, chest growth and heaviness, hormonal changes, I would have to not go on T/continue T. I would also have doctors all up in my genital area.

I finally felt secure in my opinion that I didn’t want kids because now it felt like I had a valid ‘excuse’. I went into relationships putting my desire to not have children on the table so I didn’t waste mine or their time.

I ended up dating folks (cis men mostly) who also didn’t want kids.

Then a year ago….

I started working with young people every week, from babies to young people to young teens and adults. Suddenly, I was caring for young humans and it made me feel whole.

A year later….

I sit there crying over babies and young children in TV shows and movies, I get envious over pregnancy storylines, I make faces at babies in Tesco…

A few months back, I delivered a workshop with MumsAid and within a minute of being with the young mums, I had a baby in my arms.

Suddenly, I am baby-mad. But with that comes various barriers:

I’m nonbinary, so unfortunately I can’t avoid being misgendered or seen as a ‘woman’ whilst pregnant.

My partner is a trans man, meaning getting pregnant wouldn’t be easy, it would take a long time, and may not even be possible for us. We could need a sperm donor, my partners egg, and then insemination. It also isn’t cheep!

Other options

Obviously we have other options when it comes to having a kid, we could adopt (which is something I am really keen on, particularly older kids and those from tough backgrounds)

We could also have someone else carry the baby so I could void the dysphoria… but I think I would want to carry the baby myself.

So what now?

Now, I’m focusing on work and building a home. And yes, the baby-craze is still in full force, but as a trans queer person, it is a long and hard journey.

I’ve realised that being a parent is something I really want to be, and that regardless of how I have a child, I won’t be less nonbinary, still just Dee!

Has your relationship with parenthood changed through your transition? Comment below 👇

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Since the guidance, we have seen a rise in attacks against Trans youth, which is why my campaign seeks to give voices to trans youth here and lost, show them that they too can grow up and old, fight for inclusive education and resources, to hold the media and government accountable for the horrific acts towards Trans youth.

In May I launched our letter of support, which stands at nearly 300+ signatures!

🏳️‍⚧️ NEW DISCOUNT CODE VIA TKDTGU - support trans youth by using this code

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🚨 Since publishing my campaign Trans Kids Deserve To Grow Up support letter, Trans youth have faced more attacks:

• Over 80 clinicians, researchers and academics have signed an open letter raising serious concerns about NHS England’s recent evidence reviews of gender-affirming hormone therapy for trans youth and subsequent prescribing policy - IG

• The new EHRC code of practice was published and could significantly change Trans+ people’s rights and access to public spaces: it codifies sex as 'biological', and regardless of having a gender recognition certificate, Trans+ people's sex will be considered as what they were assigned at birth. It sets out the impact this will have on the provision of sport, single-sex spaces, changing rooms and toilets.

We need to be vocal, now more than ever.

Letter of Support 👇

We want Trans youth to make it into adulthood and old age. We want the media and politicians to acknowledge the existence of Trans youth, listen to the voices of Trans youth, and actively support Trans youth. We want accurate, long-term research on the experiences of Trans youth and the impact of gender-affirming care. We want the UK curriculum to be inclusive of Trans youth and for Trans youth to feel safe at school.

We want Trans Kids to grow up, and old.

Voices

We call for the voices of Trans youth to be included in research and decision making. We call for the families of trans youth, here and lost, to be heard. We call for the voices of Trans adults, who were once Trans kids, to be heard.

Trans professionals are essential. We need to be in the rooms where our lives are being discussed.

Decisions cannot be made about the Trans community and their access to healthcare and education without representation across the community in these spaces.

Research

We call for further research into the experiences of Trans youth, the benefits of gender-affirming care and intervention, the impact of social support and media, to build better support networks and timely intervention.

Most research on the experiences of Trans youth, or the impact of gender-affirming care, is short-term. There is a lack of extensive, long-term research across wider pools of individuals. Or historic research is cherry-picked: puberty blockers have been safely used since the 1980s but in 2024, the UK Government banned puberty blockers for Trans kids, not all kids, following Cass Review for fear of ‘unknown long-term factors’.

Media

We call for reporting on the lives and deaths of Trans youth to be truthfully reported, not sensationalised and exploited. For youth to not be deadnamed and misgendered. To take ownership of the impact of poor reporting on the families (finances, safety, mental health etc)

We want social media apps to take accountability for the discrimination Trans youth face on these platforms, to work harder at detecting bullying and transphobia, to sanction accounts accurately.

Education

We call for Trans youth to feel safe in education, to not worry about being outed to possibly transphobic families, to see themselves represented within the classroom and materials, to be treated like every other child.

Trans Kids Deserve To Grow Up was founded in the response to the leaked UK governments Gender-Questioning Guidance in 2023 which sought to out Trans youth to parents in the guise of safeguarding. In 2026, schools and teachers are still left confused on how to support Trans youth. In 2025, the UK government released its new RSHE (relationship, sexual health education) Guidance which, following the Supreme Court ruling, had defined sex as binary and gender as a concept.

Trans youth are actively avoiding school, the one place which should be safe, and are losing out on learning.

Trans youth do not see themselves in classroom materials, instead they are actively being erased from them.

We call on politicians to address the systems and communities that perpetuate harm.

We are the families of Trans youth.

Trans adults who were once Trans youth.

Decent human beings.

All we want is for our Trans youth to grow up, and old.

Head over to TKDTGU IG to hear what folks who signed the support letter had to say!

If you agree, sign our letter of support below 👇 and why not send to three folks who would also sign it!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfq4upbecIr0EQJH3Nk9NdCnTRK-xZxEl3xHgwoF0gMHT9ELQ/viewform

If you’re a local to Kent, the wonderful Drawn and Quartered is fundraising this whole pride month for TKDTGU with flash pieces. I am so thrilled to have my first major donation come from a local queer and trans tattoo studio! Why not head down and grab a flash piece to celebrate pride and donate to TKDTGU! I will announce how these funds will be distributed shortly! 🏳️‍⚧️

Recently, we have seen an uptake in fear mongering ‘stories’ around contraception, particularly IUDs, and this has caused anxiety amongst those who may want to explore this form of contraception.

Now, I’m not here to scare you about my experience of hormonal contraception. Rather I want to remind you that contraception works differently for each individual. Some folks love hormonal contraception, others love non-hormonal contraception options. It’s important to listen to your own body, to know your normal, and my experience with hormonal contraception helped me to realise what my body needed.

Levest

I was 15 years old when I started hormonal contraception. I was put on Levest, a prescription-only combined oral contraceptive pill which is taken every day with a seven day break.

At first I loved it, of course I had some minor side effects like acne and weight gain, but in the longterm, it worked. It wasn’t until my early 20s where I started to experience some really bad side effects. I woke up every day feeling nauseous, I suffered with migraines, and my mental health was at an all time low. I had always experienced poor mental health, depression and anxiety, but suddenly it was unbearable.

I told my GP about what I was experiencing and she told me to take a break.

I’ll be honest, coming off Levest said my life.

But what next?

Obviously coming off hormonal birth control meant I needed a non-hormonal option for a while. That’s when I fell in love with external condoms. I had never given external condoms much time personally, but after several months of exploring different types, sizes, textures, I realised how easy and accessible they were for me and my partners at the time.

An unfortunate GP appointment

One thing I hadn’t realised when coming off hormonal birth control was how much it was helping my possible endometriosis pains. I had always experienced bloating after internal sex, severe periods and pain flare ups, but it wasn't until I came off Levest that the pain became unbearable and I started visiting A&E every week.

After several trips to A&E, I spoke to my GP again - this time a new doctors in Milton Keynes.

And this is where I had the worst GP experience I have ever had. I spoke with the GP about my hormonal birth control history, and my current uterus pains. She recommended I try a different form of hormonal birth control, one that stopped my periods altogether.

As a sex educator, I knew this was going to be her recommendation, and I was already aware of the birth control options she was going to suggest. I felt confident going in… the only concern I had was about how this hormonal contraception may interact with my transition. At this time, I was masc-presenting, and highly considering starting testosterone. I was sooooo nervous to ask her because it meant outing myself to this completely new doctor.

But I took the plunge and asked her, ‘do you know how this contraception may interact with testosterone?’

That’s when she turned to me and said, ‘I don’t know about that trans stuff…’

I was shattered. I cried the whole way home, feeling completely embarrassed.

I had to do my own research on the relationship between hormonal contraception and testosterone, but after a few weeks on this new form of contraception, I decided to stop taking it as my previous side effects began presenting again. It wasn’t worth it in my opinion.

2026

So what contraception do I use today? Currently I am in a T4T relationship, two vulva owners, meaning I use dental dams and finger cots for STI prevention, but unplanned pregnancy is no longer a concern.

Personally, I won’t be exploring hormonal contraception again BUT I would consider other contraception methods.

Just because this option didn’t work for me, doesn’t mean it won’t work for others and doesn’t mean other options won’t work for me in the future!

This is why knowing your normal, and speaking up when something doesn’t feel right is important, especially when it comes to contraception methods.

Check out Brooks contraception guide to learn more about what options are out there!

What are your experiences with hormonal contraception? I’d love to hear some positive ones!

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It’s a misconception that hurts a lot of femme lesbians, and is a form of femmephobia. However, not every femme lesbian will want or need to use their fingers for queer sex.

Now I’m not a lesbian, but I do like to get my nails done, and I have a Trans partner, so long nails can cause some issues, but there are ways to navigate queer sex and solo-sex with long nails.

So, can you wank with long nails?

As Anna Richards, sex expert and founder of ethical sex platform Frolicme explains, there are hidden hygiene considerations you might not consider but which in some cases can cause inconvenient and uncomfortable conditions. "Both with or without long nails you need to ensure your hands and fingernails are clean and don’t upset the natural flora balance of good bacteria that lives within your vagina whenever pleasuring such a delicate area," she says.

BUT that doesn't mean you can’t!

Lube

Lube is a godsend, and it can come in handy when masturbating with long nails! Lube should act as a barrier to reduce friction between your nail and your vagina, therefore reducing the likelihood of experiencing any internal or external cuts.

Knuckles

If you’re looking to wank externally (stimulating the clit), you can use your finger knuckles instead of your finger tip. If you’re a nail girlie of any gender, you’ll be used to using your knuckles to apply face cream, or flush a toilet, the same technique can be used when wanking!

However, if you do want to use your fingers, it’s possible to masturbate without your nails getting in the way at all by angling your finger upwards slightly, using the pads of your fingers where your fingerprint is.

Toys

If your nails are getting in the way too much, toys are the next best thing!

Things to consider:

• Nail length and shape is something to consider. Almond and rounded nails are the most practical nail shape for masturbation, whilst square and coffin can be sharper meaning there’s most of a risk of tearing or irritation.

• A top coat can help seal in any glitter or details on your nails. If you have glitter without a top coat, be mindful that this may come off when wanking.

• It’s also important to be mindful of any decals or diamonds etc you may have on your nails, these too may come off.

• It’s best to avoid internal stimulation with coffin or square nails.

• You can totally use a finger cot or a dental dam to help protect your clit from your nails! Check out my dental dam post here

Don’t let long nails get in your way from celebrating Masturbation May!

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When I first learned about smegma, I only ever heard it being used to refer to penises. It wasn’t until my early twenties that I realised vulva owners can also have smegma… wild right?

What is smegma?

Smegma is the result of a buildup of skin cells, oil secretions, and moisture. Completely natural, but when left, can cause some issues later down the line such as infections.

Smegma may appear as a cheese-like substance, it can build up between the labia and around the hood of the clitoris.

In most cases, it is not cause for concern, and good hygiene practices should take care of the buildup.

However, some folks don’t even know that you should be pulling back the hood of your clitoris to check for smegma build up and to give your vulva a good-proper clean. Again, growing up I knew penis owners had to pull their foreskin back and clean themselves as I had baby brothers, but I had never been told that I had to do the same thing!

How to clean to avoid clit cheese:

1. Gently wash the vulva with warm water and a mild soap.

2. Pull back the hood of the clitoris and get a real good look at what you’re working with.

3. Avoid scented washes, powders, and sprays.

4. Dry with a soft towel.

How can we prevent smegma?

• wearing cotton underwear

• avoiding thongs, nylon, acetate, or other synthetic fabric types

• avoiding wearing nylon pantyhose, leggings, or girdles that do not let the vagina breathe, leading to trapped moisture and heat

• avoid using ‘feminine hygiene products’, such as deodorants, feminine sprays, oils, and greasy substances - because these are NOT helping and are not necessary for keeping a clean vulva and vagina

• avoiding vaginal douching, as it can change the pH of the vagina and lead to bacterial overgrowth

But you should avoid over cleaning

When we get worried about smell or discharge, it’s natural to try to over-clean the vulva to remove the problem. This can cause more harm than good, so clean delicate areas very gently and with comfortable pressure.

• Scented soaps and wipes can irritate delicate skin and disrupt the vaginal microbiome

• Scrubbing or vigorous cleaning of the clitoral area may cause micro-tears, leading to stinging and discomfort

• Douching can upset the natural microbiome and increase the risk of flora imbalances

• Over-washing can dry out skin, making irritation more likely

Trans men and those on T

For vulva owners on T, you may notice an increase of smegma that comes with bottom growth. This is completely normal, and you can follow the same guidelines as above.

The only difference is if you may have more area to clean because of the added bottom growth, so be sure to pull your hood back to really get in there.

If the bottom growth is new, it can be overly sensitive and a little overwhelming, so its good to slowly build yourself up to pulling your hood back and cleaning the area. Over time, this extra sensitivity will stop.

Is smegma an STI??

While smegma is not generally a sign of a sexually transmitted infection (STI), discharge from in and around the genitals can indicate certain infections. These include chlamydia, gonorrhea, and herpes.

Clit cheese is completely normal - but it can be a surprise if you’ve never noticed it before. So give that hood a lookin’ at!

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