Stop running.

The reconciliation you’re looking for exists within. You are exactly where I want you to be. The torment that you are feeling is needed for the process. Something is dying so that you can live abundantly. Something has to shed so that you can feel the air on your skin again. Something has to break so that you can expand. Something has to let go so that you can breathe deeply.

Know that all things I do is for your good, but I need you to trust me. With all things and with all your heart. I need you to look in more than you look to others. I need you to eat my Word more than you consume of this world. They can’t tell you what to do. No one has been where you are. No one sees your heart the way I do. No one will protect you as fiercely as I do. No one sees the full picture, the road laid ahead, the story I have written, for you.

Know that I will send you support. I will help you discern who they are. Those who will walk with you for a time and those who will stick with you till the end.

I know it’s been terribly hard. I can’t tell you the worst is over because it’s not. But I can promise you that I will never leave you nor forsake you. Allow me to mold you, to refine you, to transform you into the woman I have called you to be.

For I have called you, and you have answered.

You have been given a great responsibility and with that comes great loss as you learn how to wield the power within. As you reconcile all the bits and pieces that make you who you are. Your sensitivity to others pain, your need to understand, your desire to dance and play. Your love for storytelling, your deep connection with nature, your stubbornness, your fiery tongue, your conviction to unveil the truth and your constant striving for excellence.

All of you. I want all of you. I love all of you.

Yours,

Abba

(Creator of the Universe)

Ps -

Finally my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.

Ephesians 6:10

(NKJV)

Pps -

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

(NKJV)

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There I was walking with a friend while she carried her toddler in her arms. Just moments before, he’d had his way running a mock, literally running us up and down the park like he was a paid trainer. It’s really the only time I run; when a toddler instructs me. Cause what is one to do, let them run ahead you as they deem you too old to catch up? Absolutely not.

Anyway, twas evening by now, and the moon was out in her full glory. Little Victor pointed and called out to the moon as his mother and I shared our doubts and dreams with one another. Then a passerby, a fellow woman called out to us, accusing us of not paying attention to the child, who clearly wanted to stop and look at the moon. She confidently felt that she was pinpointing a clear neglect that we had missed. That she was righting a wrong as she attempted to improve a toddler’s park experience whilst the adults in her purview were, “not taking on the child”.

What she didn’t know was that we had spent quite a bit of time gazing at the moon with said child just moments before, for at least an hour, before it had even gotten dark. That we had walked with him whilst singing to him songs of the moon. That his mother and I had remixed Hey Diddle Diddle in his honour. That we had literally let him train us for what felt like CARIFTA track and field.

Now the interaction was brief, as our friendly neighbour continued her walk, I’m sure pleased that she had opened our eyes to some kind of neglect. My friend and I simply smiled at her as she went on her way; none the wiser that she had only gotten a glimpse into little Victor’s park experience.

But isn’t that how it usually goes? People get but a peek into our journey and make a judgement call. They read but a chapter of our book and believe they can sum up what was and what will be.

People form opinions about us based on a facebook status, an instagram story, a tiktok or a thread. The worst part is we do the same. We experience judgement and then we turn around and judge them ourselves. We decide who people are, having little to no knowledge of what they’ve walked through.

So how do we break this nonsense cycle?

Curate childlike curiousity. Constantly.

Ask questions. Not to respond but to understand.

Hold space for others. Hold space for yourself.

Interrogate your own thought patterns.

Pause before you speak. Respond versus react.

Investigate the root of the stories you tell yourself about yourself.

Wipe clean the lens in which you view others.

In all of this, give yourself grace, for the infectious influences of the world are dark and powerful. But know that:

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

^{John 1:5}

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When you keep desperately trying to fill your cup, but water always seems to run out before you’ve had a chance to take a sip.

When a cup of coffee no longer gives you that hit, that ease, that focus.

When sleep never seems to be enough.

When enlightening podcasts episodes no longer seem to seep in. No longer motivate action.

When a good article no longer fills you like a good plate, no longer leaving you with a good quote to chew on.

Has my heart become bad soil?

Why does it feel like I’m absorbing absolutely nothing and therefore nothing grows. Why do my past successes seem like a daydream. Why can’t I access my past self who showed great courage no matter what was in front of her?

Where has she gone? Where have I gone?

She who wasn’t afraid to dream? She who could make anything out of nothing. She who could motivate others because she was constantly motivating herself. Where is she?

I look in the mirror now and I very literally cannot recognize myself. My face is puffy, my skin has lost its glow and now holds on to scars with a vengeance. My once flat tummy now has a permanent dough shape accompanied by a twin on either side.

I drag myself of our bed in the morning. I doom scroll like I’ve never before. I can’t remember who my friends are, who I could call when I just need to speak the thoughts aloud. I ironically ignore the calls from friends who do indeed call, needing first to build up the courage to face them so I could face myself. So I could face my failures.

I fight with my family. I don’t want them to see me in this state but I desperately want them to ask the sincere question, “How are you doing?”. Not “Did you apply to this job” or “How many students did you see this week”. I want them to see that I’m struggling to want any of these things anymore. I want them to be as direct as my two year old niece, “Gabi, are you sad?”.

Something inside of me is deeply broken and there’s only one Being who could fix it. So why won’t I let Him? Why won’t I let Him restore me? How do I let Him restore me?

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When we are depressed, we need to address it all on three levels. We need to bring all of ourselves into alignment with:

Mind, Body, Spirit

Here are some tools to get you started:

MIND

Journal Therapy

Use these journal prompts to begin the traversing of your mind:

What am I grateful for not quitting when the going got rough?

Why do I persist? Why do I do what you do? Who is it for?

What have I been neglecting to do in my daily self-care?

What secret prayer lays hidden in my heart that I’ve stopped praying for?

BODY

Alexander Technique

Using AT principles, I will lead you through a semi-supine lie down, designed to encourage release of tension in your body as you re-align your spin and gain awareness of your habits that no longer serve you, while increasing your capacity for breath, ultimately lowering your cortisol levels.

Dm me or comment and I’ll send you the audio file.

SPIRIT

Scripture

Meditate on these scriptures:

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

- Thessalonians 5:23

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-23 - Access Peace

Philippians 4: 6-8 - Combat Anxiety with Gratitude

Romans 5: 1-5 - Activate Hope

Psalms 42 - Cultivate Apetite

1 Peter 5: 6-7 - Surrender to the Creator

So to answer the previous question- How do I let Him restore me?

I will rely on daily rituals to get me through each day. I will call out to the Creator who formed me, even when I don’t feel Him listening.

Most importantly, I will listen in.

"Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God."

- Maya Angelou

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.”

- Deuteronomy 6: 4-5

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I wrote that one line at 18, both inspired and naive. A friend of mine wanted a ‘cool’ quote for his next tattoo. So I thought about tattoos being literally scars and the grave loss he had already experienced at 19. I had no idea what I was talking about. I had yet to walk the path that would unearth the true depth those words. Of what it really means, what it really costs, what it really looks like.

Now at 33, boy am I getting a rude awakening. A slap to the face of what it really means to dig up in the rubble of your life, grasping at pieces of you as you try desperately to make sense of it all. As you hold on tightly to the hope that all this pain and destruction could not have been for nought.

But what does it mean to build your dreams from your shambles? What does it mean to draw strength from the scars of your past?

At 18, I was unconscious to the Divine forewarning that these words were: a freakin premonition, a prophecy, a vision of death to Self that would give way to a rebirth….eventually.

33 awakened death, shedding and cutting loose.

Every time I think I’ve put to death a part of me, it resurrects and reclaims autonomy with a vengeance. Wreaking havoc on my very anatomy. Taking up residence in places that were abandoned. Forging a path for self-recognition, grander and more grotesque than before. As though its lying in wait: gained it strength- feeding off of my delusions of victory.

I am at war with my own body.

Into the fray, into the last good fight I’ll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day. - The Grey

Trying to forget so I won’t remember it at all.

Remembering when there was nothing to forget.

Forgetting how not remembering is what landed me here in the first place.

How can a spotless mind grieve what it does not understand? How can there be eternal sunshine without the darkness of regret?

How can pain exist without pleasure? How can hope come without despair? How can faith be forged without fear? How can a heart be restored if it was never broken?

Trees have to be cut down for a path to be cleared. Flowers must be plucked to make us medicine. Salt must be extracted from the sea before it can help heal our wounds.

A price must be paid in love.

Are you willing to make the sacrifice? Are you willing to lose it all so you can gain it all?

Are you willing to fall so you could fly? To drown as you learn how to swim?

What are you willing to forget so you can remember how to live?

Knowing everything you’ve been through has led you to this point. Every battle, every breakdown, every loss and gain. Every misstep, every burned bridge, every tumbled tower. Every love lost, every friendship demolished. Every dream deferred has led you to this point where you are now to fight for each bit of the promised land that now lays before you.

Only look back as far as the eyes can see, and even then, only long enough to gather the evidence that you are indeed moving in the right direction. Never to linger and mull over things that have either already taken root or been put to death.

But why must I fight for what’s already mine? Why must I endure further pain and strife and torment. What more must be sacrificed? What else is there to unlearn? Why must I still be picked apart, stripped and undone?

It’s not about you.

A shepherd forges forward, facing lions and bears, cutting down anything in their way not to serve herself, but to feed her flock. To clear a way for them. To bring to pasture and still waters those who hunger and thirst. To bare witness to the call that this is not all there is, but this is ours for the taking.

To bring into alignment the parts of the body waning under pressure. To bring to stillness the wavering ones lost at sea.

You cannot save a soul thrown overboard if you have not yet learnt to swim in turbulent seas.

Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them. - Joshua 1:6

What are you called to? Who are you called to? Where are you called to?

Get out of your own way and get your head in the game.

Your yes is the answer to someone’s prayer.

I cannot have been meant to be here. I must have made a mistake. I must be in the wrong place at the wrong time because this pain is not mine. This uncertainty does not belong to me. This nagging discomfort did not come from me.

The disorientation of discovering that cognitive dissonance can disillusion even the wise. So you ask yourself, Who can I rely on? Who can I yield to. Who am I to trust?

Hevel hevel, all of this is hevel*.

A woman’s word goes only as far as she can see. A man’s promise is rooted in limited insight. We can only hold to our word for as long as we can bear each other’s burdens. So when our burdens increase, our plans fail, our word means nothing, our trust in ourselves and each other ceases to exist.

So when systems fail and people fall away, when your daily grounding rituals ensure nothing at all- what do you rely on? Who do you trust? What matters When nothing really matters at all?

If all this is temporal, inconsistent and ridden with disillusionment-

What’s it all for?

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all will be added. - Matt 6:33

What does that even mean?

For Believers, that means not valuing what the world values, but putting our trust in God. For non-Believers, perhaps it’s a question- What do you seek? Where is your treasure? What has your heart?

When we know what drives us, what we value, what has our attention - then we can stand on business with the authority given to us by our Creator.

Falling apart falls together, falling down leads to falling up.

It’s the simple principle of the ground reaction force - Newton’s third law as well as an Alexander Technique principle.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Therefore, the weight you give something is the exact weight/impact it will return to you.

What are you giving weight?

*Hevel - Hebrew word for vapour, mist, breath, often used as a metaphor to describe temporary things, things that won’t last.

The answer lies in whether or not our intention is to rejuvenate of runaway.

In the practice of meditation (at least in the way I do) it is a conscious effort to focus the mind so that you can hear. Not clearing the mind so that everything disappears. It is the awakening, the sifting through, the bringing forth of all that waits in hiding, secretly draining your resources and poisoning your fruit. It is an act of confrontation not cowardice. It is the calling forth of all that may be causing you undue stress so that you can go again.

It is a call to action to:

throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, so that we can run with perseverance the race marked out for us

- Hebrews 12:1

If we do not come to terms with what has weighed us down in the first place, how can we recoup and not regress?

Repent: “to think differently afterwards” or “changing your mind after being with,” - HELPS word study and Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance.

Repentance is a change of heart, mind and consequently- actions.

To vacate/rest and then return to the same circumstances: how do we ensure that the water has been purified and not been made putrid? What is our filtering system? How do we regularly assess what: weighs us down, attacks our thoughts and stops up access to the Power within?

Well, we address the heart, body and soul.

HEART

Journal regularly: confront what weighs on your heart, what traverses through your mind. Put pen to page, look at the things square on. Converse with parts of your self that are crying out to be heard.

BODY

Engage in exercise- regularly: somatic practices, walks in the park or on the beach, weight lighting. Move your body. Release what has been trapped. Say things that only the body can. TAKE UP SPACE.

SOUL

Drink from the Living Water that can never go stagnant in stillness. Read the Text, study the Word of God, grapple with it, dissect the various translations. Allow the Psalms to wash over you. Talk about it in community. Know the Bible for yourself.

Pray that you find your way, for each and every turn and twist, everyday is part of the perfecting of you. The wrestle is the coming into who you were called to be. The way your Creator sees you.

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Every time we breathe the same air

Scratch that

Every time I receive a text from you

the rest of my day is ruined

Adult responsibilities- boy bye

Buy dinner instead of making groceries for a week?

No brainer

Fitting phrase really

Because what is calculated risk with you?

Well, there’s absolutely no calculating

There’s only say the word and I’m there

Yes escapes my lips before I can calculate the risk of letting you in

Of letting you buy my love with pints of ice cream

Of ensuring that I don’t have any other plans in case you call

Of forcing myself to stay awake so I could share one more laugh with you

before falling into a sugar slumber

Ok being ok with being a blubbering fool with you

as we watch our fav rom com for the thirteenth time

Of telling everyone you’re just a friend

when if you ever stopped speaking to me, my life would surely end

As I know it, we are just friends

Not to confuse ‘just’ for being minimal or ‘just’ for being pure

‘Just’ because just this, is enough

Because actually, love doesn’t have to mean romance

And romance doesn’t always mean love

But I mean it when I say I’ll love you forever

The way a twenty-something without their frontal cortex thinks their love will outlast…

The inevitability of our paths not being aligned

Of our divine purpose being assigned

To different continents

To different planets

Too different are our world views and when the world views this

They’ll see a paradox

Not a cute one more like hypocrisy

More like I can’t love you and love Him

Something’s got to give

And seeing that He’s the giver of life

I think, scratch that, I know it’s only right that I forego this for Him

That I choose Love, Himself

Trusting that He’s got him, all picked out for me

That He has hand picked the one for me

Not like a piece of paper picked out of a hat

But rather with the precision in which He can number every hair on my head

With the wisdom of having known me pre-dated to my mother’s womb

So I take my thoughts captive, submitting to Him

This mind that wanders and climbs, strikes out and often defies

Him, who will make my mind whole

My Frontal Cortex

Now as I remained vigilant, Eden (my niece) got to enjoy the thrill of the tussle without the strife. The unpredictability of the swell, without the calculated risk each second required of me. There were the couple waves that threatened to take me completely off-balance, but none did, but one.

I saw the wave coming. I prepared for it, but it still knocked me off my feet. In that moment, I released one arm from Eden’s tiny body to brace our fall while the other held on to her. We were under for three seconds. When we emerged, I talked her through expelling the unwanted water from her nose and mouth. I told her that anytime she is ever to go under ever, she is to hold her breath.

She followed instructions beautifully, then she made me promise again to never to let her go. In that moment I realized, she thought I already had. She experienced me releasing one arm to brace our fall as a less secure hold. She experienced it as temporary neglect. She experienced it as me breaking my promise to hold on and never let go.

How many times have we thought that our Maker had left in our time of trouble? Where we felt that He had let go His grasp when we were gasping for air, racked with anxiety or drowning in our grief. When perhaps in those moments of temporary turmoil, it only feels like He has loosened His grasp. It only feels like He broke His promise. When in actuality, He is bracing us from the fall. He is holding fast while fists to cuffs with our enemy. He is in two places at once.

In those moments we are to hold fast.

Just as Eden tightened her grip around me as I recovered from the wave- we are to hold on to the Creator as He watches with vigilance, warding off the waves that could take us out.

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” - Hebrews 13:5

When a familiar place, a past place, is your new here. Your new now. When you did so much work to recover from that place. That place that ‘molded’ you, that ‘shaped’ you, that conditioned you - all the bad habits that you spent the last seven years undoing.

Now you’re back here a ‘new you’, stifling your every waking breath- as you desperately fight the natural instinct to inhale the poisoned air, the fetal matter, the stink. Determined to not be consumed by the stench of expectations- people pleasing to survive and unwillingly consenting to practices you wished never to partake in again.

We have hit the utter grime of the excavation process. The bad soil. The soil where nothing grows but everything decays. The layers of generational trauma now exposed to the sunlight - have led you here.

Here where people speak but don’t listen. Here where people pray but don’t repent. Here where people help everyone but themselves. Here where the grass is blue and the sky is green. Where the chickens quack and the birds fall.

So how to not use old coping mechanisms?

How to face ‘de damn ting self’? How to conquer this right here and not lose yourself and everyone you love? How to honour and rebuke? How to forgive and set yourself apart? How to not look back when forward is unclear? When forward does not even seem to be there.

When the most certain thing is the breath in my lungs, the air on my skin and the ground underneath me - I give way to the certainty of death.

Death to what consumes me. Death to what threatens to dim my light. Death to that voice that says to take flight.

I cannot run.

For if I do, I will run head first into this very monster again. So, I square my shoulders, stand tall, and put on the whole armour of God, standing firm. (Ephesians 6:14-17)

I forge forward with the willingness to fight another day, because those before me dared to, hence bringing me here.

Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. - Hebrews 12:1

If you’ve had the privilege to observe a hummingbird in action, you would have noticed how they hover in place with their wings going so quickly that you can’t actually see them. Or have witnessed a swan gracefully gliding along the water, knowing that their little legs are paddling as fast as they can. You would notice that-

Stillness takes work.

Listening in. Letting go. Just being where you are takes all of you, because all of you has to surrender in order to surrender. Your entire body from head to toe has to let go and trust that the ocean will hold you in order to float.

So I ask you this: Ain’t you tired? Ain’t you tired looking ahead, pushing past and shutting out so you don’t shut down? Just let it happen. Let everything fall apart. Let it all unravel. Let the cookie crumble. Let the weight drop. LET IT ALL GO.

“When drowning, learn to breathe under water”.

I remember the first time I mastered getting out of sleep paralysis was the moment I realized that I couldn’t fight it. I had to let go for this psycho-physical nightmare to let up.

Adapt to your environment so that you can thrive not just survive. What are these current conditions requiring from you? What is coming up for you? What is your body saying?

Are you in flight or fight because you are in danger or because this is so new that you don’t know what version of you is required for this season? Maybe, the version of you that’s going to get you through this has yet to be made. Has yet to be formed.

But best believe she’s buffering. You just have not met her yet.

What’s comforting is that each and every version of you gets to bear witness to her creation. What’s powerful is that you get to work with God to make her. She will not be formed out of the muck of Mordor. She will be forged in the fire of the Holy Ghost. She will be refined by her Maker.

She will be welded by the hands of the Creator of the Universe.

Weld: to unite by hammering, compressing, rendering soft by heat, and sometimes with the addition of fusible material like or unlike the piece to be united; to bring into complete union, harmony, agreement

But first, she must be capable of being welded. She must yield to the process. She must soften.

So I urge you, start with the breath. Sensing the air on your skin as you close your eyes and surrender to the upward support of the ground reaction force paired with the gentle pull of gravity.

Maybe your soft girl era isn’t avoiding hard things, but allowing yourself to soften so that you can live out the life you were called to. So that you can glide or better yet fly.

Which way is up? Which way is out?

The incessant nagging feeling of not wanting to be here in the now, in the present, in this moment. Because what even is this? Why is this?

This place where my feet won’t touch the ground. Where my screams won’t make a sound. Where my insides are twisting , my breath is shallow, my skin is thirsty and my vision blurs the more I focus on what lies ahead.

That moment between the exhale and the inhale. The gap that we don’t allow to linger long enough for all the carbon dioxide to expend, thus causing the next inhale to be polluted with remnants of what was before.

This in-between place, this gap, this liminal space is actually meant to be inhabited.

But how to yield? How to let it be? How to let yourself fall without bracing for the drop at rock bottom?

I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I do know this. I cannot run from here.

So, when I am overwhelmed with the here and now:

I allow the space to hold me. I invite the awareness of the air on my skin, of the space above me all the way through the sky. I feel the fuzz of the ground reaction force under my feet giving me a gentle push up as gravity keeps my feet on the ground. I let out a pleasurable exhale on vibration, releasing whatever sound needs to GET OUT. I put on music on blast and dance like I’m setting fire to the room.

I play with my niece. I learn from her unadulterated ability to be in each moment, constantly listening to Self on what she needs/wants and just doing it with everything she’s got. Each moment whispering a new delight. She is not concerned with what was and what will be.

She just is, right where she is, in every given moment.

One can be lounging in the sunshine one moment not noticing a mere grey cloud leagues away. Then, in what seems like no time, blue skies are darkened grey and a heavy downpour is upon you.

That is how quickly one’s circumstance can change. Two families that I’ve known for the greater portion of my life, experienced the loss of a parent as sudden as a thunder roll without the preceding lightning strike. Both lights out in the midst of dialogue of with the living. Struck down while standing. How do we make sense of such an unbearable occurrence?

We can’t.

What do we do with this pain that sits on our chest, stifling our breath, holding us hostage, as our whole world is snuffed out? Or in my case, how do I effectively grieve with those who grieve while waiting my turn. My turn to be shattered, my turn to mourn, my turn to question God on why He’s abandoned me.

We live.

We live with the grief, knowing that it is evidence that we loved. We allow the grief to be transformed into the fullness of life, into living each moment henceforth with the blessing of their memory. In the case of losing a parent- continuing on with the parting gifts that are deposited when they become an ancestor. With death’s transition, they empower us from the grave, as their life force is passed down to us. Not because they do this, but because our Creator designed it this way. Their light is not out, but passes on like a torch held by us left behind. Those willing to keep on living because our time is not yet up.

There is still much to do. So, may that sinking feeling in your chest be transformed to delight, as you think of them with each waking breath.

“The crescendo of love is grief” - God of War

This has not happened to me, but heaven knows how close I was. Every single day in latest trip to Italy, I risked not living in the moment. I risked crashing and sabotaging a dream fulfilled.

Let me take you back.

About a year ago, I had recently graduated and was now officially an Alexander Technique Teacher. I was also now unemployed and back home in Trinidad, a place I had not lived for 6 years, a place that no longer felt like home. I was itching to put to task all the skillsets that I had developed over the past 9 years of which I had earned 3 degrees. But mostly, I was itching to write. I kept saying to myself in private moments that I just want to be paid to write and to be able to do so from anywhere in the world.

Fast forward to about a year later, an opportunity presents itself to attend a screenwriting retreat in Italy, a place I had quietly longed to be. I however, did not have the means, so my friends and family graciously paid my way. It was very literally a dream come true. Then while there, I had to actively arrest any thoughts stirred up within me, that incited any sense of worthlessness and imposter-ness. Every day I had to talk myself into being exactly where I was.

Now I’m back home, grappling with the question of how best to make do with what is in my hands. So I leave this with you. Even when you are exactly where you want to be, the terrors of your past can still have access to your present. Don’t take for granted the power of daily affirmations, of positive self talk and of prayer. Speak over your circumstance because the history of your body lives in you always. It takes consistent practice to eliminate the thoughts of self-doubt that are breathing down your neck.

Exhale while you wait for it. Inhale where you are. Ground yourself in your current circumstance while integrating the new experiences that have transpired thus far. In the words of Lin Manuel Miranda:

“I am the one thing in life I can control, I am inimitable, I am an original. I’m not falling behind or running late. I’m not standing still, I am lying in wait.”

Therapeutic means of any sort entails having to confront yourself. As we dig deep there are parts of ourselves that we are going to be shocked to uncover. Skeletons of our past selves that we thought were dead and gone but actually still have a pulse; the undead bits that have been gnawing at our every breath hoping to have a say. The only way to shut them up is to let them speak.

“Until I collect my scattered skeleton, until I collect.” - Martin Carter

Then we start to see these unlovable parts of ourselves in other people; worse yet, the people we love most, those who have quite a bit of access, those we know so intimately that it cuts deeply when you bruise each other's unhealed wounds. Suddenly we can’t stand being around them because it’s become unbearable to be at a constant war with ourselves. Excavation is dirty work. It is back breaking, soul sucking and at times utterly revolting (especially if you hit a sewer). But unless we want to be but a shadow of ourselves as the traumas of life deepen and persist, we have to keep digging.

Do it at your own pace and give yourself a lot of grace. Do this within community. Do this under the guidance of a professional. Take care of your mind, body and soul, for this is the trinity of true healing. Within this three cord bind we can as Apostle Paul says, “take off our old self and put on our new self”. Excavation is dirty work that produces a clean heart.

Notice what ticks you off. What you obsess over. Notice what you notice.

I don’t quite like the sound of dogs barking, horns beeping, trains passing, people chewing, doors closing; the list goes on. To be honest most of the world is a sensory nightmare. Particularly when I’m under pressure. On a good day I have more tools at more disposal to tune those disruptions out and tune in, making myself at ease, grounded and secure.

Truth is, the tools are always at our disposal. They just get lost in the fog when we’re under duress, experiencing stress or in the midst of an episode after having been triggered. So how do we access our tools of self-regulation when our mind is muddled? How do we learn to breathe under water?

Step 1: Find the Ground

If the cause for the trigger is overstimulation, find a readily available stimulus that brings you back to yourself, that brings you comfort. It can start with finding your feet on the ground or your bum on your seat. The ever constant being the pairing of gravity and the ground reaction force that keeps us tethered to the earth.

Step 2: Access/Allow Meaningful breaths.

With more ease of access to our breath we can allow our body to exit flight or fight mode by letting our nervous system know we are safe.

Step 3: Look at something pretty.

What’s a calming colour for you? These days I’ve noticed I have an affinity for purchasing things in green. Which lines up with my habit of staring at trees. I’m not encouraging retail therapy, but again notice your affinities and welcome them. Your body often tells you what it needs.

The practice of deep listening, starting with self, opens up a whole new world for us. An inner world allowing for us to function within this external world, where there are many factors that are simply out of our control. So how about we start with the things we can control. Before we can make ourselves feel at home in a space, we must first feel at home in our own body. More on that next time!

AUTISM AWARENESS

I’ve had an affinity for autism ever since I was a teenager. It started with a book called Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult. This book also introduced me to the world of music therapy. From then on my love for the arts as a therapeutic means only strengthened. My being born in the month of Autism Awareness paired with my desire to gift my community with art for my birthday fostered a partnership with Autism organizations through my theatrical productions.

Then last April, I was invited to speak at an Autism Awareness event, hosted by an organization geared towards providing support for parents of autistic people. I spoke on my desire to work with the loved ones of the autistic community, as I believe that Alexander Technique is a means whereby I can be of service. You see, my understanding is that those on the spectrum are already perceiving the world through a heightened lens. They are already hyper aware. This is something “normies” are searching for within this technique - a means by which they can assess how internal and external stimuli are affecting their body; thereby creating a pause in which they can then choose how to respond, while simultaneously uncovering how these various stimuli have been affecting their body.

In my recent studies I’ve stumbled upon Alexander teacher Caitlin G Freeman. An AT teacher on the spectrum teaching those on the spectrum. Her book ‘Autism and Alexander Technique’ has opened up a whole new world. My own personal explorations and assessments of myself and those close to me have revealed that it seems that I’ve always been surrounded by those on the spectrum and that I myself exist on it (more on AuDHD next time). This pre-diagnosis has been liberating to say the least. I am excited to take you on this journey with me as I encourage you in your own exploration.

It all starts with AWARENESS.