i’m looking around my room and realised i have a lot of cleaning to do, a lot of organising to do and i did do some of it earlier today with some music in the background but always more to do

i’m also thinking of all my hinge matches and why they didn’t work out and yet, i’m back on the stupid app again and it feels embarrassing

it feels embarrassing to give romantic love a shot again when it’s proven to not be a lasting thing in my life, right now

it’s also brave and hopeful to try again despite the outcome

life is for the living, no?

i’m thinking of a friend going through a breakup right now, very similar to a breakup i went through 3 months ago and it finally feels like my heartbreak makes sense, my pain feels useful

my brother and I are also fostering a tiny baby kitty who just arrived today! i am excited, my life feels like it has purpose again. there’s something about a new life that makes you feel like life is worth living, it’s worth giving a shot

my sweet friend nirmal turns 28 next week and is hosting a games party and i think it’s my kinda party - my brain switches off entirely when im playing a board game and its so fun! its the kinda fun you have as a kid and for a few hours, you get to go back to being one again

i’m also writing more than I’ve ever written and not editing my work (thanks divyanshu) and it feels good :)

A few days ago, my ex and I were on call and we were discussing fears (yes, we’re friends, and yes it’s possible depending on the situation.) And since I’m feeling brave tonight, here are some of my fears,

1/ Whenever I’m in a romantic relationship, I’m scared I’ll lose myself in it and not have a sense of self anymore. I guess I’m afraid of being small, I’m afraid that my personality will be so intertwined with my partners’ that I forget who I am anymore.

Which is why I think I’m much more of an interesting person when I’m single v/s when I’m seeing someone.

This worries me though because what I’m single forever? And most importantly what is so bad about it that I’m up at 1 am writing about it?

2/ I’m deeply terrified that I will not find fulfilment in my life, that I’ll always be almost there but never quite there entirely. I’m scared I’ll never be able to see things through not because I can’t but because if I do then what’s next?

Is life just an endless list of to dos?

When does the living happen?

3/ My biggest fear though is my fear of abandonment (thanks dad.) I’m afraid of waking up one day and receiving no texts from my friends and family. There’s also a fear of being forgotten and replaced here that plans into my anxiety of abandonment issues.

But also, do I only exist if I’m of value for others? Or do I also exist as another human being?

Am I who I am because I’m a mosaic of everybody who’s ever loved me or am I who I’ve always been inherently that has nothing to do with life or the people in it, but something I’m born with?

Nature v/s nurture basically

Thankfully I value sleep too much (and my anti depressants which knock me out) to allow these thoughts to keep me up at night but it does leave me wondering: how does one do life despite their fears?

And if I don’t have these fears anymore then what’s next?

I remember thinking, “Man, I wish I allowed myself to go in the water.” Annoyed at my family’s joy, I dusted the sand off my dress and stood up to turn around and sit in the car.

But something happened.

The waves were so strong that, as I turned around, one of them came rushing towards me and hit me.

And I remember thinking:

“This is what I’ve been missing out on?”

And there began my everlasting love for the beach.

2/ My favourite memory of the beach, though, wasn’t actually that day.

It was the following year, when I was ten, and my family and I went to Kovalam near Thiruvananthapuram. By then, any and all fear I had of the ocean had disappeared.

I remember running straight into the water, swimming, throwing water at my parents and my brother, getting completely soaked and having the kind of fun that only seems possible when you’re a child and nobody has asked you to think about anything yet.

Maybe that’s why the ocean feels like a thread running through different versions of my life.

The nine-year-old who was afraid of it.

The ten-year-old who couldn’t get enough of it.

And now, the 26-year-old who still runs towards it.

3/ Krishnan and Devyani are two of my closest friends that I’ve made in the last year. We’re called Challengers, and Krishnan hasn’t watched the movie yet.

The first time Devyani and I properly hung out with Krishnan, we were tipsy and we threatened to kill him, and he was a little terrified of us. Since then, we’ve had D&D games together, wine nights, card games, conversations about our romantic lives, some light-hearted gossip, and an unreasonable amount of shared Malayalam and Tamil music.

When we heard that our dear friend Krishnan was flying off to Switzerland, we decided to make a trip out of it.

What better than Goa?

In all 26 years of my existence, as a self-proclaimed beach and ocean lover, I had somehow never been to Goa. So we decided this was the perfect time.

To the water I returned, this time with my two closest friends.

4/ I am a last-minute packer.

This is despite the fact that I have a very detailed packing list, a checklist of everything I need to carry on a trip. I make the list well in advance and then, naturally, ignore it until the very last minute. In fact, I was headed to Krishnan’s house because I trust him to make sure we actually get on the bus on time. I had taken some clothes out to dry before leaving, except they were still semi-dry when I had to leave. So I took them with me and hung them up to dry in Goa.

I also discovered that I may have a problem with unpacking. It’s been four days since I’ve been back. I haven’t unpacked yet. I haven’t done laundry. My clothes are still sitting in my bag, slightly crumpled from the journey, and there is probably sand from Goa living permanently in the folds of everything I own.

Part of this is my ADHD. Part of it is also that I want the sand to stay. Possibly forever.

Because how else am I supposed to immortalise a memory?

5/ A really good way to know someone is to travel with them.

I’ve travelled with both Devyani and Krishnan separately before, and I’ve spent enough extended periods of time with them to know them pretty well. But there is something different about travelling together.

You get to know someone’s food preferences.

You get to know what kind of person they are when they’re on vacation versus when they’re in their regular routine.

You see what they seek out of a holiday that they normally wouldn’t.

You find out how they sleep, if they’re good bed partners (I can confirm I have incredible bed chemistry with Devyani and Krishnan), how long they take to get ready, whether they get hangry, and whether they’re the kind of person who needs a plan or is perfectly happy saying, “Let’s just see what happens.”

You find out what they pack, whether they’re a breakfast person, and who takes 45 minutes to get ready while everyone else is waiting.

You get a sense of who someone is in a very limited amount of time, and you find out whether they’re someone you’d happily do this with again.

It’s safe to say that Krishnan, Devyani and I have great vacation chemistry.

Next trip, Switzerland?

6/ I was severely hungover on the second day.

When in Goa, am I right?

I had had one too many drinks the previous night and essentially spent the whole of Sunday in bed, watching the waves crash outside. The room was quiet. The curtains were open. Every few minutes, I could hear the sea before I even looked up at it.

And I cannot tell you how loved I felt.

My friends got me toast.

They got me curd rice.

They got me orange juice.

They got me lime soda.

And when nothing helped, Krishnan looked at me and said, “Come, maybe the sea will help.”

So I went and sat by the sea.

And while the sea healed me, my friends did too.

What a lovely thing it is to take care of your friends and, equally, to allow yourself to be taken care of by them. There’s a privilege in being able to experience both sides of that relationship. My friends are some of the biggest loves of my life, and every experience I have with them seems to verify that a little bit more.

Maybe that’s also part of why I loved having them there when I ran into the sea.

Because I got to be a kid again, and they got to witness it.

7/ Everything I do in my life, sometimes, feels like an attempt to get back to being a kid again.

Not literally to being a child, but to that sense of wonder and playfulness that somewhere along the way gets buried underneath adulthood, responsibility, money, work, relationships, anxiety, and the general messiness of being alive.

I want to feel that kind of joy again.

The kind where you see the ocean and your first instinct is just to run towards it.

The kind where you don’t think about whether your clothes will get wet or whether you should be doing something else.

You just go.

You run.

8/ This vacation was important for me because the last three months have been hard and chaotic, and I don’t remember the last time my brain truly slowed down.

My brain is loud. There are always thoughts happening somewhere in the background. Sometimes they’re useful, sometimes they’re completely useless, sometimes they’re about something that happened five years ago, and sometimes they’re about something that hasn’t happened yet.

But staring at the sea does something to me.

Watching the waves come in, one after another, watching the foam disappear back into the water, seeing the surface constantly change while the horizon stays exactly where it is, forces me to be here in the now.

Stand where my feet are. and look at what’s in front of me.

I’ve realised that stillness doesn’t necessarily mean doing nothing. Sometimes it’s staring at the sea. Sometimes it’s making coffee, taking a shower, or watching a TV show I’ve seen a million times.

It’s finding little pockets of rhythm in a life that doesn’t always feel very still.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t unpacked my clothes yet.

Maybe I’m not ready to shake the sand out of them.

Maybe I like knowing that a little piece of Goa is still sitting somewhere in my suitcase, caught between my clothes, waiting for me to find it.

Or maybe I’m just procrastinating doing laundry.

Honestly, both can be true.

Either way, I’ll keep the sand for a little longer.

The voice note above is from Smarika in October, asking me to write this. I finally did. This one’s for you :)

From the ages of six to thirteen, my world was an apartment building. Just me, a bunch of kids from the building and nearby houses, and the unspoken rule that every evening we showed up like clockwork for one thing and one thing only: play. We came up with our own games, played old ones we barely remembered the rules to, and somewhere in the middle of it all, we argued sometimes, laughed a lot, hugged, cried, and made up without ever really apologising.

We were loud. Loud enough to annoy the neighbours. Loud enough that our parents got complaints. And we hated when they called us back home because it meant the day was over.

Playtime was over.

Somehow, I was the leader of the group. I do not fully know why. Maybe because I was tall. Maybe because I teased and roasted people a little too confidently. Or maybe because I cared too much. From a very young age, my mom instilled one thing in my brother and me: people are the only real assets you have. No matter how much you earn or where you go, you are nothing without people.

Whatever had happened during the day in our separate lives did not matter. The kids in that apartment building always showed up for each other. Not to resolve anything. Not to analyse anything.

Just to play. To move our bodies.

To exist together as kids.

Somewhere between becoming a teenager and becoming an adult, I forgot how to play. I stopped creating space for joy. I stopped doing things unless they were productive, efficient, and optimised. I genuinely do not remember what life felt like when fun was enough of a reason.

And then 2025 happened.

On 31 December 2024, I made a bingo list for the year ahead. One square just said, “Pick up a sport. Move your body.” Very casually. Very unintentionally. I did exactly that. I picked up basketball, a sport I had avoided my whole life because it scared me. Too aggressive. Too fast. Too much. People always told me I had the height for it, which somehow made it worse. Expectations have that effect.

I am still not good. But I fell in love with the sport. I remember one random evening on the court when something just clicked. For an hour, I understood spacing. Movement. Timing. Someone even complimented my game sense. I still suck most days, but that one hour on the court feels therapeutic in a way I cannot fully explain.

I started watching the NBA too, loudly supporting Luka Dončić and Stephen Curry like I had been their fan from day one. I even signed up for a tournament. I lost terribly, but I showed up. More importantly, I fell in love with the people I played with. We got breakfast together. Went drinking after games. Hung out long after the court lights turned off.

I fell in love with sports and how enjoyable it was to play, which is why I picked up pickleball, too, a game I once thought was silly. It turns out silly is the point. And maybe so is who you choose to be silly with.

2025 was not just the year of physical play. It was the year of playful friendship. I found people I could be a child with again. People I did not have to be an adult around, and they would absolutely attest to that. My inner child, and frankly my outer one, is alive and thriving. Some of these friends are new. Some come with shared history. Some carry both happy memories and complicated ones. That mix matters less than this: we still show up.

Even when things have gone wrong. Even when we have hurt each other, we show up, just like those kids in my apartment building did.

We have a favourite house now. A balcony that holds more people than it should. A couch that has seen too many crash landings. A YouTube algorithm that is completely ruined because of us. We have a favourite bar we are mildly surprised we have not been banned from yet, and a photobooth outside it where we have fit in more people than feels mathematically possible. We know each other’s drink orders. We know each other’s hangover cures and, in some cases, what definitely does not work. We know when to show up quietly and when to show up loud. There is space for joy, mess, silence, and chaos.

All of it.

“Your friends will be one of the great romances of your life. I spent a lot of my 30s—a lot of my life, to be honest—preoccupied with romantic entanglements and the pursuit of everlasting, undying love. During that time, and the heartbreak I both endured and delivered, I am grateful to have had the luxury of friends I could spill my guts to and vice versa. I was once so heartbroken I had a spontaneous nosebleed in a Mexican restaurant when my friend asked me, “How are you?” The point is: The people who nurse you through the great loves of your life are the great loves of your life! You are not without love.” - Alexa Chung, Vogue 2023

For a long time, especially through my teenage years and early adulthood, I felt unlucky with friendship. More people left than stayed. I internalised it and assumed it meant something about me. Last year changed that. My friends showed up for me in ways that kept me together. They saved me in many ways. They gave me a life I did not know how to build on my own, and honestly, no longer want to.

Now more than ever, I know this to be true: my friends have made me who I am. Every person I have loved, every home I have found, owns a small part of me. Every version of me that survived, softened, or came back to life did so because of them. 2025 taught me how to play again, and my friends were a big part of that.

I am carrying it, with a little more faith, into whatever comes next.

I had a big-girl moment recently—I graduated! 🎉 It felt right, it felt good, and most importantly, I did it!

I started college at what some might consider a “later” age—22. Before that, I had different dreams and goals before switching to what I’m doing now: psychology and journalism. Graduation day felt like the culmination of everything—every choice, every setback, every twist of fate. Suddenly, looking back, life made sense. Why that boy didn’t like me back, Why I didn’t get into the college I originally wanted, Why things happened the way they did., etc. I’m not a huge believer in the phrase “everything happens for a reason”—because, honestly, that can trivialize things like trauma and loss. But I do believe that life happens, and we find ways to deal with it.

(I can never write about just one thing—my stories have layers.)

So, back to graduation. It’s the perfect time to say thank you.

The last week of college was an emotional rollercoaster. We had our class farewell (which me and the other CRs over the years helped organize), a class photo day, and the most heartfelt speech from my journalism professor, Solomon Sir—one that made me cry again when I rewatched it this afternoon. Then, there was that teary-eyed classroom post the speech, sharing hugs, laughter, and the kind of bittersweet emotions you only get when something truly beautiful is coming to an end.

Starting college at 22 in what was once an all-girls institution was daunting. Most of my classmates were 17 or 18, and while I had strong female friendships, I also carried some assumptions about how things could be—especially in environments where we’re often made to compete with each other. I just wanted to get my degree and move on. But now, three years later, I’ve met some of the most incredible people—friends I’ll cherish forever, with so much love, friendship, and lessons to take with me.

These friends have witnessed me. They have celebrated me, held me up, and cared for me in ways I never expected and didn’t think I deserved. Over these years, we’ve been through it all together—questionable taste in men, questionable taste in friends, loss, grief, assignments, migraines, fights with moms and siblings, sick days, period days, and everything in between. And despite our differences—our clashing views, our stubbornness—we always had each other’s backs.

From my friends, I’ve learned about life. About the joy of female friendships. About courage, audacity, laughter, and love. Thank you for choosing me as your friend—it’s an honor. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for us, and I’ll be cheering for you every step of the way. I love you all. Thank you for making my days so joyous I can barely contain it.

And to my professors—how did I get so lucky? The coolest, wisest, and most kind teachers I could have asked for. You taught me about the subject, sure, but more importantly, you taught me about life. You inspired me, supported me, celebrated me. There aren’t enough words to thank you properly, so I’ll find you in person and do it right when the words come.

To my close friends—my best friends—where do I even begin? Thank you for holding onto hope for me, even when I couldn’t. On the nights that felt impossible to get through, you reached out, sat with me in the darkness, and held me with so much care. I owe you all a great debt. Thank you.

To my family—thank you for your sacrifices, for the choices you made to help me achieve my dreams. There has to be a word deeper than gratitude to express how I feel, and even then, it would still fall short. This is yours as much as it is mine. I love you.

And finally, to 22-year-old Saranyaa—more specifically, the version of you from July 2022.

This is for you.

I know this isn’t what you thought life would look like. But it turned into something so much bigger than you could have dreamed. I hope you know that your dreams matter and that whatever you’re searching for—it’s been within you all along.

I spent most of my time between 19 and 22 alone and miserable. Mental illness is really the mother of all bitches, isn’t she? For the past three years, I have tried to squeeze so much life into every moment, because for so long, I didn’t think I had the space or security to live at all. I know now how fragile and uncertain life is. And while these years have been beautiful, they’ve also been hard. But I’m here. And I’m not alone.

Here’s to the rest of my life, and the rest of our lives.

Thank you for reading this, for being a part of my story.

Until next time,
Saranyaa

P.S. Alexa, play The Climb by Miley Cyrus. 🎶

But, it’s also scary. I kid you not, I facetimed a friend before I started playing because when I entered the court I saw a bunch of dudes playing and I was about to leave because how am I gonna EVER play with a bunch of guys who have probably been playing for a while? How am I EVER gonna be on the same level as them?

An important question to ask myself is, why am I trying to be on the same level as them in the first place?

(note to the reader: this isn’t just about basketball)

I’ve been feeling this way a lot lately-I’m graduating in less than a month and I’m terrified because I don’t know if I feel confident enough in my ability to be “different” and offer “different” to whoever I’m working with. I don’t know if I can make a difference in this world. I want to. I have big dreams and want to be on the top but I don’t know if I feel like I can.

Sometimes, it feels like I don’t have the necessary skills to begin with. I don’t know what I’m good at, or what I’m not and I did what I do best and resorted to my need for external validation- ask someone else what they think I should do.

I need to take a deep breath.

Sigh.

Two Sundays ago, I chose to take a leap of faith and play a sport that I’ve always wanted to but never did.

Two Sundays ago, I also tried a little bit of football, paddle and pickleball and I had so much fun!

A week ago, I started learning how to play the piano.

Two days ago, I finally cleaned and organized my jewellery and I have been wanting to for months now (and I have so much of it if anybody wants cute jewellery, text me, happy to part ways with it and have it find a new home)

Doing things is scary, even if you’ve always wanted to do them, even if you know exactly how to go about them. It can feel even scarier when you have obstacles your way, which is inevitable in the pursuit of any goal.

And sometimes, that obstacle is you and your lack of faith and trust in you.

But doing things you’ve always wanted to do is fun! There is so much emphasis on the end goal when the magic is in the process. It is in the doing.

Action.

And guess what? You don’t have to let go of your fear to start.

You can just start, in the here and now.

Thank you for reading my work, it means so much to me!

As always, send me a postcard, an email, or a text on Instagram!

All my warmth,
Saranyaa

P.S - trying something new here so:

Here are some cool/interesting things that I did this week/have happened to me this week:

1) A close friend checked in on me and told me how much faith she has in me and saw me in such a wonderful light. Heartwarming.

2) I am excited to play more basketball and swimming these coming months. Sports is so cool and although I wish I did more of this in school, I’m glad I’m able to do it now.

3) A Journalism Prof. recently told me that I can shift gears at any age. And, to be more welcoming to change.

4) Another friend gently called me out this week. I cannot tell you how important it is to have people who can gently nudge you and call you out. There is so much trust involved there but choose to trust anyway and allow it.

5) I completed a challenge where I wrote on Instagram for 30 days and it is the work I’m most proud of yet.

Here are some not-so-cool/difficult things that I did this week/have happened to me this week:

1) A difficult conversation with a friend, lots of realisations about me, about them, about us. About people.

2) I’m graduating in a month and I don’t have a job yet. ‘Tis scary, friends.

3) I haven’t managed my finances very well this month, or in a few months. There is a lot of trauma/scarcity mindset revolving around money that I want to unlearn while being more accepting of where I’m at with money right now.

That’s all for now! :)

Every evening, after coming home from work, my dad patiently helped me learn how to ride one. He would hold the bike steady as I pedalled, ensuring I didn’t fall.  Around the same time in the evening, I’d see my brother cruising around in his geared bicycle confidently, even taking his bike out on the roads. Meanwhile, I was still in the basement, still needing my dad’s help to stay balanced. In a lot of ways, I felt left behind, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt stuck. But I had my dad. 

My dad has always emphasized the importance of practical experience and just diving into anything that you do. He has a road-crossing mantra. "Just cross—someone will stop." Sorry to break it to you Dad, but that’s not how you cross roads. A good metaphor for other parts of your life, though. Despite my mom’s protective instincts and her concern for our safety, my dad encouraged us to take risks and figure things out as we went. That mindset has shaped so much of who I am today. His adventurous spirit has mellowed over the years, but the essence of his “just do it and see what happens” philosophy continues to be a big part of me.

It took me years to learn to ride a bike confidently, but once I did, it felt liberating. One of my most cherished memories is a warm Sunday morning in Kumara Park, Bangalore, cycling through the quiet streets with my dad and brother. We even stumbled upon a house with a sweet dog. I often think about it, and every time I do, I’m 11 again.

Over the years, I’ve faced and overcome many fears—learning to swim, driving a car (no, I still don’t have my license; please don’t ask), joining dating apps, learning how to trust people after years of disappointment, sharing vulnerable parts of myself to the world and my loved ones. The hardest of them all though has been learning to trust myself.

There are so many things I want to try—design, coding, reaching out to people I admire, and more. Yet, every time I want to, I can vividly imagine all the ways it going wrong. My past failures haven’t helped either; they’ve chipped away at my confidence over time. And let’s be honest—no one likes being a beginner. 

But I’ve realized the only way out is through. Waiting to get it perfect on the first go only makes it harder to start. Even mediocre efforts are okay because they show something far more important—your willingness to try and be seen, no matter how imperfect.

And that’s how folks, I learned how to ride a bicycle. Thank you dad, I couldn’t have done this without you.

I’m still learning how to trust myself, writing this and sharing this with the world is my tiny attempt at being seen and more importantly- being seen trying.

What are you most afraid of trying but really want to? Tell me in the comments or text me (details below!)

Before I go, as always here are some thoughts/recommendations:

1) A tweet I randomly thought of and tweeted, sort of garnered a lot of attention?

2) I’ve been journaling on and off since 2020 and every time I pause on journaling for a bit, this is the video I watch before restarting journaling again :’)

3) I recently watched The Godfather 1 and 2 and the cinema bros were right, it is phenomenal! Also, young Al Pacino > young DeNiro, right?

4) One of my favourite song lyrics of all time- all the broken hearts in the world still beat. Girls chase boys by Ingrid Michaelson.

5) Now that it’s almost the end of November and an acceptable time to play Christmas music, this to me is the best Christmas song of all time.

6) A picture of me taken at a friend’s party :) Another friend did my eyeshadow, it’s my best eyemakeup look yet

I’d love to hear from you! Email me/send me a DM on Twitter or send me a postcard?

Until next time,

Drink some hot chocolate!

Anya x

Let’s Connect!

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and ideas, or just say hello.
📩 Email: saranyaar2104@gmail.com
🐦 Twitter: @holasaranyahere

Man, I want to go surfing now. Maybe I will, soon! You’ll hear about it when I do :)

As always, before I go I leave you with updates/recommendations/thoughts, etc:

1) I want to write more - for myself, for brands, for other people, etc. How can I get there? Help me out?

2) I want to be crazy and have my work out there - design some merch or a product, or menu cards, or website - even though I have no experience in any of this. My first output will probably be bad, but I want to do it nonetheless. Help me get there?

3) 3 of my lovely friends have been helping me stay accountable with my daily tasks, and slowly but surely, I can see it helping.

4) The only recommendation you’ll need for today -

My Sweet Dumb Brain

You can’t escape sorrow, but you can create joy

As I approach 40, I’m embarking on a year-long project to reflect on the lessons I’ve learned in four decades of life. This is lesson #14. You can read the full series here…

Read more

2 years ago · 62 likes · 15 comments · Katie Hawkins-Gaar

Go surf! (whatever that means to you!)

Until next time,
Anya :D

I did not relax even for a minute because Simran took me on her scooter (it’s the cutest scooty pep) around Pune to her favourite café. Sitting on a scooter is the best way to experience a city and Pune feels like such a breathable city. At that moment I realized how important space is, physical or otherwise– breathable space, space that doesn’t feel suffocating, space that moves as easily as water. Simran and I found common ground and immediately started to yap about anything and everything and it was wonderful. Hanging out with Simran felt like hanging out with that cousin you see once a year - fun times, and so many memories. Later, we met Chandni at the mall, walked around for a bit and Chandni and I got an auto back to the hotel and the auto ride was all sorts of lovely. One of my favourite things about Chandni is how much clarity she has which makes all our conversations so intentional and meaningful, it’s bound to leave a mark.

We quickly changed and headed to 3 Musketeers (Lokesh, Anshika, Simran, Chandni and I) and the rest of the night looked like – Beer, Dance, Chakna, repeat. I posted some embarrassing not so embarrassing videos on my Instagram and it was very funny to watch them the next morning.

19/7/24 (Note to reader, it has now been 6 days since I started writing this, hopefully, I finish this tonight)
The next day, I woke up hungover and slept back in because can you have a hangover if you’re asleep? I woke up, got ready in 10 minutes and left to eat lunch at one of my favourite places in Pune – Chulbul Dhaba. The place is as colourful and as fun as it sounds, I promise, and so was the food which we devoured. We went back to our hotel and relaxed and after a point, it was Chandni, Anshika and I on a bed eating ice cream together. It was one of those moments you’d find in a “We were girls once” girl friendship reel video and it felt like that too. Growing up, I always felt unlucky in friendships, like good friends were not something I deserved to have. It has taken me a lot of trial and error, a lot of meeting the wrong people (and right people) to be able to feel like I was worthy of receiving the love that I felt in that room with Anshika and Chandni, that day. As the open mic event was approaching, we got ready and left for the event. The event was a women’s only open mic event and anytime someone asks me, “Why do we need a women’s only space?” I think of this one moment during the event when a woman was performing and brought her 16-year-old daughter with her (who also performed.) As they both took turns to perform, they looked at each other with so much awe and wonder, that it made me smile. This is why we need women-only spaces. Every day, we are shown that the world we live in is not made for women and we see this everywhere - at work, in relationships, and in our own homes. Spaces like these allow us to show up and express ourselves thereby allowing us to take up more space in the real world because there is so much space for all of us to grow, coexist and learn from each other.

After the event, Simran, Vidhi (who will make an appearance later in this blog) Anshika, Chandni and I headed to Chul Mutton, and man the food was banging. Anshika and I also had a moment with our food babies where we laughed at the same tempo, out loud (scared some people too) at 12 a.m at a dhaba in Pune. A core memory. I fell in love (platonically) with Anshika the second I met her. She is warm, radiant and such a joy to be around. After dinner, we headed back to the hotel and I said goodbye to Anshika and Chandni who were leaving the next day :( it was, lovely. They are lovely. I slept and woke up to my last day in Pune. I spent the day doing a bunch of lovely things – it started with eating a Maharashtrian Thali with my friend Sravya’s mum and spending time with her, and then I headed to Koregaon Park to meet Vidhi. I had some time to kill before meeting Vidhi so I facetimed a friend as I walked through this beautiful, scenic road in Koregaon Park (where the Poonawalas live!); it was breathtaking. Vidhi and I went to Café Bombon (highly, highly recommend) and of course, I had Café Bombon which is now my favourite coffee. Vidhi is the kind of person you’d be pen pals with – warm, kind and just a delightful person to talk to. Maybe we should be pen pals, V? We then got vada pav which was oh so yummy and I had time to kill and an impulsive idea – to get a tattoo. Coincidentally, I happened to see a tattoo studio. As V headed to the movie theatre, I headed to the tattoo studio to get my 5^th tattoo. I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo from a new city and when I saw Vidhi’s tattoo, I knew exactly what to get and it is such a pretty tattoo. After the impulsive tattoo, I walked to the nearest park and took a moment to take it all in. Breathe in, breathe deep, breathe through, breathe out (ifykyk). I had a lovely, lovely dinner with Simran, and I couldn’t have asked for a better person to end my day with than Simran. I got back to my hotel, slept in and woke up at 4:30 a.m to leave for the airport, hopped on a plane, sat in the plane, got off the plane and landed in Bangalore - with lots of memories to share at the dinner table <3

If you’ve made it to the end of this, thank you for reading, thank you for being a part of my story. I was listening to a podcast recently about how we need to bring back personal blogs, stories that seem mundane but are so special to read about. This was my humble attempt to bring one of those stories to you. A story of connection, trust, friendship and most of all, a celebration of life – in small and big ways.

Thank you to Anshika, Chandni, and Saurabh for making this happen and here is the blog, as promised :D

As always, before I go I leave you with updates/recommendations/thoughts, etc:

1) My beautiful best friend, H.S. (Not Harry Styles, lol). H.S. is all sorts of wonderful. I have never met someone as kind and generous as she is. I recently went through a difficult time and she picked me up after college and for a while it was just the two of us, seeking comfort in each other’s presence as we have since 2018. I have loved you since I was 18, and I will continue to – for a lifetime and more, dumbstick. You are family to me <3

2) I have been thinking a lot about food lately and Anshika introduced me to my favourite IG page – Goya Journal. It is DIVINE to look at a thought I’ve had recently is how food holds so many memories. Think of a favourite memory – is there food in it?

3) I think I was a Punjabi in my previous life because their music is so great and I enjoy it so much. Here’s a recent favourite that is giving desi girly pop -

Until next time,

Love, Coffee and some more
Saranyaa

That’s it for today, I’m glad I showed up, picked up my laptop and chose to write this. I hope this resonates, I hope you show up for yourself today - whatever that looks like and most importantly - however that feels like.

As always, before I go I leave you with updates/recommendations/thoughts, etc:

1) Today’s shoutout is to my beautiful best friend, R.M. I first met R.M. in the first few weeks of college, 2 years ago and our friendship, admiration and love for each other has only grown and blossomed into what we have today. Anybody who meets R.M. will tell you that she’s an absolute ray of sunshine who exudes radiance, and warmth - it is infectious. R.M., I hope you know the impact you’ve had on my life and continue to have in my life. Thank you for being my star, I adore you and I cannot wait to experience life by your side <3

2) I have been working as a creative strategist with Decoding Draupadi for the last month or so & it is a big part of my life, at the moment and I love it. DD is hosting an all-women's open mic in Pune on July 6th! If you’re interested in being part of this lovely space, come say hi. (More info + Link to RSVP)

3) Season 3 of The Bear is out! I haven’t gotten to watching it, yet but I will ALWAYS recommend The Bear, it is a brilliant show made with so much love and intent, and everybody should watch it (Available on Hotstar in India)

Until next time.

With love,
Saranyaa

I am writing this for two reasons. Numero Uno, to make sense of my feelings and thoughts, to have a space where I can vent, connect the dots, see patterns, or anything that makes sense to me. Numero Dos, to put myself out there (even though at the time of writing this, I don’t know if this will ever make it to the blog, because who wants to hear me complaining about periods and talking about my day, right?)

If I can be candid and toot my own horn, putting myself out there has never been a difficult thing for me to do. Ever since I was a child, I’d been the first to volunteer to answer in class, first to take up responsibilities, make friends, volunteer to go buy groceries etc,  I have always been an enterprising person. This isn’t to say that I have not had moments of doubt, fear or anxiety loom over me while I make these choices. But, “feel the fear, and do it anyway,” has been my driving force for as long as I can remember.

However, of late, with social media, my fear has been that of, “What will people say? What will they think of me? Will they unfollow me as soon as they see this post I wrote? Will they talk about me behind my back? Do they like me? Do *I* like them? Are they even an active part of my life? Does anything matter? Should I still, show up as I am? Is there space for me?....” you get it, right?

I wish I had something profound to say here. I wish I had a clear answer to these doubts in my head. I don’t. I don’t know if I ever will. I think no matter how old you grow, some problems will remain as they are. It’s quite sad for me to think about that or even accept that. You see, I was under the assumption that when you have a problem, you deal with the consequences of it, make the best choice you can then resolve it, and move on to newer problems. But no, some problems just persist and there is nothing you can do about it. BUT! (no, not a solution I’m afraid) In a recent conversation with my new friend AK, she told me about how some problems in life may continue to be there and occasionally, eat at you. But the goal is to create a life so big, so enormous, that the problem doesn’t take up as much space as it used to. It won’t follow you everywhere like a dark, pouring cloud. Your life will grow around it. And you will continue to live the way you live, just like you have been, your whole life.

YAY! We did it, we showed up to Google Docs today and wrote something. Hopefully, this resonates with some of you. But maybe not. Maybe this was for me.

Before I go, I have a few things to share -

1) Anytime I publish a blog, I will shout out a friend and share something that I have learned from them. Today’s shoutout is to AR. AR is a special being in more ways than one. She has helped me set standards for how I deserve to be treated not just in friendships, but in every relationship ever. A major reason I am who I am today is because of the kindness, generosity, love and care that she has shown me in all the years that we’ve known each other. AR (so weird calling you by your initials, btw) if you’re reading this (which you better be) you make me a better person, and I hope I can do the same for you and so much more. I love you, my A1 <3

2) What I will also do, is give you a song recommendation. Now, I take pride in the variety of music that I listen to and so today’s recommendation in honour of director and storyteller, Mani Ratnam’s birthday is this - I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

3) Yoga with Adriene has been my god and religion since 2020 and I recommend her to everyone that I meet and speak to. This particular guided meditation, helped me get through a tough night. I hope it brings you peace and ease in whatever you may be going through.

If you have made it so far, thank you for reading this, I appreciate it more than I’ll ever be able to express. The fact that you clicked on this, and voluntarily decided to spend a few minutes intentionally reading this, makes my heart smile :)

I hope to do more of this. Here’s to hoping. Here’s to writing. Here’s to showing up and making our own space in this world.

Until next time.

Warmly,
Saranyaa

5) You are not “too much.” But, you also are. What is “much” anyway? Everything is relative, even time.

6) Socks are so fun! Mismatched socks? Even more fun. One of the greatest joys in life.

7) Cinema is probably the greatest medium of art, ever. The sheer joy of watching a movie is an unparalleled feeling.

8) I believe in the burnt toast theory and that whatever happens has a bigger picture to it but I don’t know if everything happens for a reason. I think things happen and you find a way to deal with it to the best of your abilities.

9) However, I do believe that there is an opportunity to learn and grow in everything that you go through. Well, most things at least.

10) Crying is good for the soul, and so are chips.

11) Holding a grudge is not worth it. Updates on the people who are no longer actively a part of your life is not worth it.

12) Being vulnerable is scary. Putting yourself out there is terrifying. But if you choose to, you will learn so much from the experience, I promise you. :)

13) What a world to live in where Malayalam and Tamil music exist. :’)

14) Do you believe in life after love?

Well, this was fun and random. I was going to watch cinema paradiso (I’m a few minutes into watching it and it is so lovely already) but I chose to write this instead.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you :)

Before I go, I leave you with this -

My favourite excerpt from this:

”Life can be heavy, especially if you try to carry it all at once. Part of growing up and moving into new chapters of your life is about catch and release. What I mean by that is, knowing what things to keep, and what things to release. You can’t carry all things, all grudges, all updates on your ex, all enviable promotions your school bully got at the hedge fund his uncle started. Decide what is yours to hold and let the rest go. Oftentimes the good things in your life are lighter anyway, so there’s more room for them. One toxic relationship can outweigh so many wonderful, simple joys. You get to pick what your life has time and room for. Be discerning.”

Eat ice cream and free Palestine <3

Until next time,
Anya :)

A few days ago, my friends and I were talking about love languages (The term love language refers to the way that a person prefers to express love to—and receive it from their loved ones) and I thought to myself, “How would it be, if I chose to practice my love languages on myself? What would that look like, and most importantly, what would that feel like?” My friend, Khushi recently went out on a solo date and she was describing her day to me, and that got me thinking, “What if I take myself out on a date? What if I spend the whole day, by myself, away from social media, away from it all?”

And so at 1 a.m. today, I decided that I would spend the day, away from social media, away from my phone, and most of all, enjoy my own company. 

I’m writing this to you now after a beautiful, wholesome day of spending time by myself, with my family and most of all, just existing. Existing in the now, soaking in all the moments that I chose to show up for.

Throughout the day, one question ran through my mind, “What does showing up for myself look like?” 

I have spent a lot of my life seeking validation from others, and part of me still does. We all require validation, from time to time, and it is okay for us to seek it, particularly from our loved ones. But somewhere along the way, I lost confidence and trust in my own voice and began to trust and believe in what other people had to say about me, and my life. I felt disconnected with myself, with my inner guide and my heart. But something shifted today and I chose to take a leap of faith, and begin a lifetime journey of trusting myself and listening to my inner voice.

Throughout today, I was gentle, compassionate and mindful towards myself. I was present in every moment that life had to offer and I embraced every moment with open arms. I lived through it all and I’ve never felt more alive.

So friends, before I go, I leave you with something to think about - What does showing up for yourself look like? And more importantly, what does it feel like?

Until next time,

Anya 

P.S - I have 3 recommendations for this newsletter!
1) A book - Someone Who Will Love You in All Your Damaged Glory - Raphael Bob-Waksberg (creator of Bojack Horseman) (Shoutout to my sweet friend Arya, for recommending this heartbreakingly beautiful book)
2) A song - Olivia - One Direction (I cannot stop thinking about the bridge, Harry Styles sounds angelic)
3) Self love meditation - Yoga With Adriene (So fitting with today’s newsletter of showing up for yourself

My therapist has seen me grow into who I am today, from 18 to 22 and she has been there for me throughout it all – the highest of highs and lowest of lows. There are so many moments from therapy that I will forever treasure and hold close to me – how we fangirled over about harry potter (the books obviously) for a whole session, how we spoke about platonic and romantic relationships (so much fun), complicated familial relationships (not so much fun) and so much more. I’ll never forget how this one time, I broke down about something traumatic that had happened to me, and she didn’t know what to say, so she gave me a hug. The simplest yet most effective way of letting someone know that they’re not alone.

But all good things must come to an end, right?

On Friday, 21 October (my half birthday) I had my last therapy session with my therapist. My whole life, I’ve wanted to feel accepted and seen and heard for who I really was. I never got that acceptance as a young adult, but therapy and more specifically, my wonderful therapist, Ananya, did that for me.

Tears coming out of my eyes, my nose, I was chaotically (in the best way) emotional on my last day of therapy. Change is so scary for me, it’s terrifying and I avoid it as much as I can. But somehow, through therapy I’d learnt to deal with it and make the most of what I could. I’m sad that I won’t be able to see my therapist for therapy anymore, but it has been the biggest gift and honour to have experienced it. Over the years, my therapist has taught me so many things that would not be enough to fit in this newsletter but the biggest gift she has given me is to trust myself. Regardless of how each therapy session went, she had this habit of saying, "I think you're doing great," at the end of the session. It made me feel like I was doing great, and that showing up to face life every day is the strongest, most bravest thing that we can all do.

Ananya, it has been the biggest honour and privilege to have experienced therapy from you. Big, big hugs and thank you for this once in a lifetime opportunity :’))
Thank you to my family, my close friends and to strangers for supporting me throughout this journey and creating a safe space for me to exist as I am. <3

And lastly to 18 year old Saranyaa – you did good kid <3

Before I go, I leave you with my favourite therapy meme (which my therapist agrees with) :

Until next time, take good care and thank yourself and hug yourself for showing up today. <3

P.S - Please check out Rohan Joshi’s Instagram story highlight, “Therapist deets” for a list of therapists in India.

My Rating - 5/5

Greta Gerwig’s Little Women is a beautiful adaption of the book of the same title that came out 154 years ago. Essentially, it’s a story about the March Sisters – Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy (played by Emma Watson, Saoirse Ronan, Eliza Scanlen and Florence Pugh, respectively) who all possess such a distinct personality and depth of character. The story shifts between two timelines – the present and the past. With this narrative, we observe how the characters change and evolve over time. Jo, is a writer and is brave and outspoken about her opinions and knows what she wants out of life, Meg is kind, caring and dutiful, Beth is quiet, and reserved and yet, her quietness speaks volumes, and Amy is artistic and ambitious. The film has so many moments that make my heart feel full. The March’s neighbours, Mr. Laurence (played by Chris Cooper) , lives with his grandson, Laurie (played by Timothee Chalamet ; who marries Amy later in the movie.) He lost his daughter and feels very lonely. Mr. Lawrence invites the March Sisters to his home after they get to know Laurie, and Beth, who enjoys playing the piano, performs there. There’s a moment in this movie where Beth is playing the piano, and Mr. Lawrence sits on the stairs, listening to it and is moved by it. He is overwhelmed that music is once more being played in his lonely house and it reminds him of his daughter who used to play the piano.

Meg is expected to be obedient, and dutiful and when she is invited to a ball with her friend, Sallie, she wants to have fun. She runs into Laurie at the ball, and Laurie is surprised to see her there having fun. She says to Laurie, that she wants to have fun and that she will be dreadfully good for the rest of her life. Laurie and Meg then enthusiastically dance together. This shows how women weren't allowed to enjoy their lives the way they wanted to because they were expected to be "dutiful" and having fun isn't "lady like"— both then and now.

“Marriage is an economic proposition” might just be the most impactful line I’ve heard from a movie, ever. Later in the movie, when Jo and Marmie (Played by Laura Dern) are talking and Jo says that she would say yes if Laurie asked her out again, and says that she cares more to be loved than to love, Marmie says to her that that’s not what loving somebody is. Jo bursts into tears and says the best dialogue from the movie, that hits home for me.

This clearly explains how Jo doesn’t want to conform to society’s expectations of what a woman should be, and yet because she made different decisions, she feels lonely.
I absolutely loved this movie and I cannot recommend it enough!

Thank you Greta Garwig for giving us this masterpiece and my new favourite comfort movie :’)

Before I go, I leave you with this :

Until next time, take good care <3

P.S (pun intended) - Please check out Ponniyan Selvan : Part 1 (dir. Mani Ratnam) in theatres near you!

WARNING : THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS. SO DON’T READ THIS UNTIL YOU ARE UPDATED. Or, if you want to read it anyway, please keep scrolling.

My Rating - 4.5/5

Pa Ranjith’s, Natchathiram Nagargiradhu is a special movie for many reasons. Natchathiram Nagargiradhu is a story that has so many layers, so many voices, so many themes, and it all comes together beautifully. A bunch of theatre actors come together in Pondicherry to do a play, a play about the many perspectives, and stories of romantic love. While discussing on what stories of love are to be portrayed in the play, everybody has an answer. But, the one answer that captures the essence of this film is what Rene, played by Dushara Vijayan, says. That, Love is Political. Because, it is political, isn’t it? The Judicial System of a country gets to decide if same sex marriage is permissible or no. In some countries, homosexuality is still a crime. It is still a crime to love people.
In India, people still look at a person’s caste as a criteria to marry someone, to love someone. Whether it affects us or not, we cannot deny that love is political.

I love how diverse the cast is, whether it’s their gender identity or where they are from. But also diversity in how they view the world and in their thoughts.

One of my favourite characters, is Rene, an Ambedkarite Dalit Women who is bold, courageous, and wears her heart on her sleeve. It is a privilege and an honour that we get to see a character like Rene being portrayed on the screen because most of the times, women, especially dalit women, aren’t allowed to have a voice, let alone an opinion. And in this movie, we get to see Rene, become the voice for past and future generations of dalit women.

My favourite scene from the movie is when Rene forgives Arjun (played by Kalaiyarasan), for abusing her.
Arjun, gropes Rene at a party and is asked to leave the theatre group as a result of his actions. The next day, he apologises to everybody for not knowing what’s right and what’s wrong and to Rene, for abusing her. As he is leaving, Rene stops him and asks him to stay. When everybody objects to this, she goes on to say about how we all make mistakes, how we aren’t socially right or aware all the time, and how we all learn from our mistakes. This speaks volumes on who Rene is and about the toxicity of cancel culture.

But my most favourite character from this movie(it’s hard to pick as there are so many good ones), is that of Arjun’s. In the movie, Arjun shames his girlfriend for having male friends, for wearing clothes that reveal skin and does not understand consent and boundaries.
But, he’s also human, which means like the rest of us, he is deeply flawed. He is willing to learn and do better and he does. He is a constant work in progress, just like the rest of us.
In the age of social media where everybody “must” be socially and politcally aware, and knows what is “right”, it is refreshing to see a character like Arjun who makes mistakes and is willing to learn and for Rene for giving him the space to learn and grow.

The storytelling is powerful and the dialogues are impactful and leave a mark.

My only nitpick about the film is that I wish they had focused more on the non - heterosexual relationships and shared their voices and stories.

This film, gave me a lot to think about, a lot to unlearn and relearn and truly is one of the best films I’ve watched, in 2022.

Please go watch this movie in theatres and support stories like this. Stories that need to be told and deserved to be seen and heard.

Thank you for taking the time in reading this. I appreciate it so much.
Please subscribe to my newsletter and leave a comment below letting me know your thoughts.

Before I go, I leave you with this post which I think not only is relevant to this movie but also, in today’s world.

Until next time, take care <3

Now, without further ado, let’s see what I watched this week, shall we?

1) Palm Springs (2020) dir. Max Barbakow
Recommended by @gkulkrshna
My Rating - 3.5/5

Palm Springs is a movie that follows two strangers, Nyles & Sarah, who meet at a wedding and are stuck in a time loop. Gosh, this movie was fun to watch. It was entertaining, funny, the chemistry between Andy Samberg (Nyles) and Cristin Milioti, (Sarah), is electric. One of my favourite scenes in this movie is when Sarah, says, "I can survive just fine without you, you know? But there is a chance that life is a little less mundane with you in it" It is so beautiful to hear this because you don't often, get to see a female protagonist view romantic relationships this way. It's refreshing to know that, you don't need a romantic relationship but life is a little less dull without it.
It also made me realise how important it is to live in the present moment is, and how sometimes, we can take that for granted. Carpe Diem, my friends.

2) Snatch (2000) dir. Guy Ritchie
Recommended by @ayyreviews
My Rating - 4/5

From Brad Pitt's Irish accent to Jason Statham's Cockney accent and the adorable bull terrier aka daisy the dog, this movie has it all and what a fun movie this was to watch. If this movie doesn't scream British, then I don't know what does. It is supremely funny, has a very dramatic Indian soap opera like camera movements, and a really unique style of editing. Even the dramatic moments have an element of comedy in them. It's a perfect movie if you need a good laugh.
Gotta love British films, Gotta love them.
P.S - This is one of my favourite dialogues from a movie ever.

3) Bluejay (2016) dir. Alexandre Lehmann
Recommended by @yashsh_
My Rating - 4.5/5

This a story about Amanda and Jim, two former teenage lovers who bump into each other at a supermarket , after 20 years of having no contact with each other. What a beautiful and heartbreaking movie. It has a very nostalgic feel to it from the black and white setting, to the soundtrack and all the quiet moments that speaks volumes.
This was such an intimate movie to watch, and it almost feels wrong to experience this with them. The chemistry between Sarah Paulson (Amanda) and Mark Duplass (Jim) feels so natural, and there's an ease to it which makes it so beautiful to watch them.
Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

That’s it for now.
Stay tuned for next week where I do a part 2 of the same.
See you next week, my friends.
Until then, take care <3