I’m irritated and tired

And honestly it comes with being,

With just existing,

Cause I couldn’t choose my battles (i couldn’t choose),

So I decided(I didn’t decide😭)to be queer,a girl,a feminist,alternative,allergic to purity culture,tolerant , a middle child ,middle class (ish),depressed, neurodivergent and Nigerian.

There are probably more but I can’t even remember any.

All of these aren’t really the issue right now,I’m actually only Annoyed that while i struggle with all of these everyday and still question and doubt myself ,people still doubt me.

I always say that I wish that I was disgustingly straight(this isn’t true),cause I wouldn’t trade the community of people and friends that I have met because I am the way I am .

The people do make it easier but we will always have personal struggles.

This article is probably going to be all over the place cause that’s how I feel🙁.

The main reason I decided to rant is because I mentioned to a particular friend (at different times) that I am bisexual and that I have no interest in “waiting for marriage”. Me mentioning this isn’t the issue,right? It wasn’t even about today,and a while back,she tried to tell me that I would probably not be bisexual anymore that eventually one day, I’d probably like guys and never like girls again(2+2 is not equal to 4 Abi).

         She is a Christian that’s willing to do sexual things except actual sex (so you’d understand what is going on). I am soooo far away from my faith rn,I feel a disconnect and I know I still want to be a Christian but seeing what Christianity is now is very discouraging.(I’ll unpack this another day).

          Now why am I annoyed you might ask,cause who wouldn’t be curious?,well I’m annoyed because I’ve spent roughly 7 years of my life questioning myself,my identity,my life and my choices then finally this year I have some clarity about who I am and who I want to be (if I don’t kms before then🤣)(it’s a coping mechanism,sorry) and then everyone is trying to downplay me and who I am, I hate it not even because I’m not sure,but because people don’t understand that because I am telling you now doesn’t mean that I haven’t felt this way for a long time , i didn’t just wake up one day and decide to represent an identity that would make just existing be hard.

I don’t need you to understand me ,I just need you to accept me🙁.

I think i’m drifting but I’m tired of hating myself,ive hated myself for too long to finally be a little comfortable with who i am and then start to feel bad all over again.

If it were so easy to be “normal” i would be,

But to be weird is to be free right?

He is still on probation dw guys. I jsut wrote this to put how I was feeling to words😭

I want to smell his soft addictive scent,

His perfume that tickles my delicate, sensitive nostrils .

Feel his hair as I run my fingers through it,

Feel his lips on mine …again.

Hear his thick voice and the low note that accompanies its sensual nature .

Look through those mesmerizing eyes,

Laugh at his jokes…

Hear him beg me, even when he has done nothing wrong,

Feel his hands run through my hair,

Feel his hands on my eager skin,

Place a hand on his cheek and lose myself in his lips,

Feel him tilt my face up and meet his soul searching gaze and probing eyes .

Listen to his music,

See his smile,

Hear his laugh.

He makes it easy,

Time becomes fleeting in his presence .

I want to Feel his feather like light touches that heat up my skin like a hot day in march.

Listen to his odd jokes that make me relax and not retreat into myself ,

I catch myself thinking about talking to him even about the most irrelevant things,

Listening to how sure he is about us even when we haven’t been entangled for that long.

I would hate to watch myself get lost in the idea of finally loving and being loved.

I want to feel his body on mine…all the time.

I want to reach up and get lost in the parting of his lips.

I think about him,

when he is there,

when he isn’t.

And I find that I can be weird and be gay and be shy and even a lot when he doesn’t shy away from me .

I love that he listens to me, even though he gets distracted, he focuses on me

Holds me in place with his heated gaze and seductive eye contact .

I ,me , yes, I , turn him on… all the time .

He likes me the way I am (I think),

maybe I’m not there yet, but maybe he could love me back to myself .

His intentionally enamors me,

Although I do feel the deceiver ,

I can let loose around him because he is young, free and unscarred.

He kisses me like he cannot let me go,

He holds my hand with the same impatience that mirrors mine,

He comes back for more as though I am his favorite guilty pleasure ,

He loves what he does to me and how I feel , mostly ignoring himself .

Then again, I may be in over my head,for a boy that could leave when he has had his way and his fair share .

He isn’t as though without flaws but he embodies his flaws without them negating who he is .

I want to get into his head , under his skin, I want to be as physically close to him as possible.

I want to know everything about who he is and who he wants to be.

If he wasn’t such a ball of sunshine maybe he wouldn’t be able to balance me out.

He is my focus…

my intentions although not clear yet

In some capacity,I will have him…

I will have his thoughts, his mind,his body , HIM.

If he’ll keep me?

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Maybe if I stopped saying words all together ,

If I never spoke a word again ,

Maybe i Would stop saying the wrong things,

Maybe I would stop being misunderstood ,

Maybe I would stop being judged .

Maybe if I should disappear for a while,

Stop breathing,

Stop speaking,

Stop thinking ,

Escape my body,

My existence.

Crawl out of my skin,

My mind.

If I spoke differently ,

Thought differently ,

Maybe everything would finally be okay,

I would be okay .

And I’d stop doing everything wrong.

I long to be free

To feel it all in me

While being help up

Despite the weight of it

Feeling it but not being weighed down by it

Dwelling in the bitterness

But coming out sweet

Being everything

I dream of

Coming out of the abyss

That threatens to take me with it

Leaving the steep shore

So as to not go with the wave

Feeling the mountain of emotions

Feeling the mountain of pain

Taking it all in

Breathing through the smoke

Remembering the fire

Running through the rain

Without shelter

Jumping past it all

Being the branch that flows with the river

The leaf that moves with the wind

The star in the night sky

Being all of it

Living through it

Escaping the quick sand that drags me deeper by the second

Enveloping myself with joy

And basking in it

To just be

To feel

To breathe

To learn

To live

To need

To be…

I remember the first time I had a panic attack or atleast the first one that I think was severe enough that I thought I was asthmatic😅

I wish that I can remember what triggered it cause I don’t remember 😭

This was basically 4 years ago (yh I was in jss3) that day I was the only one at home,for what reasons I don’t know ,but the only way I can describe what happened was that I genuinely could not feel oxygen entering my brain anymore,if that makes sense.

I couldn’t breathe and to make it worse I couldn’t think.

One feeling I can place around it at that time was fear,I was sooo afraid .

So I was hyperventilating and I didn’t know what was going on😭

I actually started crying and obviously in my mind boya I developed asthma cause I don’t have a very very healthy relationship with my breathing 😭

(Sorry for the crying emojis,I’m used to them)

So back to the story

It happened more than once and around this period I realized that I was also claustrophobic ,cause i genuinely couldn’t breathe while I was in the car,an elevator e.t.c and i always had to beg my mum to not put on the AC or put up the car windows.

I mostly still struggle with this but it actually gets better icl.

So anyways the panic attack was really severe and I called my mum and I was crying my nyash off😔

She was just telling me to calm down that what happened

I kept saying that I didn’t know cause I genuinely didn’t know or maybe my brain has blocked out what happened cause I genuinely don’t remember what caused it. After it happened the first time it happened again I don’t remember how many times but my mum was concerned enough that she took me for a check up. long story short nothing was wrong with me but I was given some nose drops to clear my airways ig

Thankfully ,I don’t really have panic attacks anymore

I only have anxiety attacks (yay!)(obviously not yay but you get it )

Anyways I don’t want to feel that way again it was most definitely a roller coaster and I didn’t realize that it was actually a panic attack until years later .

I also felt a bit invalidated cause I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what was wrong…

But you know what healing comes everyday

And I’ll get there one day!

I hope you guys enjoyed your weekend,

I didn’t .

I also hate that tomorrow is Monday but I’ll heal,

I do want to dress nice tomorrow tho

Hopefully I do.

Then again I really would like to know your experiences with panic attacks.

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I think I posted about two weeks ago that I had something I was working on,

This is it.

For those of you waiting for part 3 you’ll have to wait😭. But pleaseee me know what you think of it or if it’s any good.

No trigger warnings or anything cause it’s not that deep ,I might make changes one day and perfect it

But I hope you guys see the beauty in this imperfection ❤️.

Okay enjoy.

Please play this song while you read

I feel his hands rest on mine,

He is always so gentle,

As though I might break if he breathed wrongly beside me.

I used to hate it,

I wanted to be treated like I could do everything on my own because I was used to it,

I felt that way because I was afraid to let go,

To fall into anyone.

Henry broke my walls down so gently I barely noticed,

He would say “you weren’t treated right because they weren’t enough for you, It isn’t your fault, it never was “

I cried in-front of Henry the fourth time we met,

He makes it so easy to jump into him.

The first time he said “ you are my forever Ela”

I didn’t believe him

Not  because he is a Liar or that he isn’t enough for me, but because he has his baggage and i didn’t think I would be able to get over mine enough to better him.

Henry notices me drifting

He squeezes my left hand gently

Trying to bring me back to him before i go too far.

He taps my nose

I love it when he does that

“ Baby, where are you?”

Everything sounds so much better with his husky sensual voice.

His voice brings me back

“I’m here baby, I’m right here”

I had forgotten the movie

I’d been drifting for all of 30 minutes

The movie had become a blur of movement.

When I come to

I see the credit scene of the notebook

I chose the movie, the snacks and even the cinema.

We could have watched it from Eli’s house

But I wanted to be outside

I wanted to breathe

Now we are outside and I’m spiraling because what would I do without this man?

“ what is going on in that beautiful mind of yours “ Henry says , it’s barely a whisper

He says it close to my ear

I feel his hot breath on my skin

I’m fully aware now

“I’m really sorry that I haven’t been paying attention, I feel really bad”

He is looking into my eyes now

“ it’s okay”

He always understands

But how do I tell him that I may be too broken to give him all the love he deserves,

That my heart aches because no matter what he tells me I might always doubt him.

“Henry…I love you, I love you so much it hurts.”

I breathe in

“ I hold back because I fear that you may tire of me, I’m afraid of giving you all of me cause if you let me go I’ll never come back from it…

I’ll be empty “

He doesn’t interrupt me while I rip my heart out of my chest

He looks at me mesmerized

While he uses his thump to stroke the tears I hadn’t noticed had fallen

By this point people had already begun to leave the theatre so it is already quiet.

He rubs my chin with his thumb gently and reassures as he always does

He is perfect,too perfect

Maybe that’s why I doubt him

Cause why would anyone as desirable as him settle for me…

“Ela ,I will never stop telling you how much I love you,when you are in doubt I’ll reassure you, when you need me I’ll be there and if you need space I’ll give it to you but I never want you to think that I don’t want all of you,I’m in this for the long run Ela”

Then He pulls my face closer and kisses me

And for tonight my insatiable thoughts are quenched and I let go .

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I’ve wanted to try fiction for the longest time, I’ve attempted a lot of fiction but nothing ever this good.

This very short piece came from my own thoughts

I really hope you guys resonate or like this cause it’s a part of me…

Thank you for reading,I really appreciate it.

I fear that if you are triggered just know that it happened to me… and it was very very very traumatic 😭

I was almost not posting this today cause I’m so tired but we have to give the fans what they want😭

Okay so where did I stop…

I remember now

Yes , so Ire and Oladokun made some bullshit agreement, over me (the math is not mathing)

This is a cameo from misogyny btw cause if they were smart enough to ask me what i wanted maybe I would have told both of them no cause TF?

Anyways I already knew that if I ever dated ire it would never work out well ,but I wouldn’t know now would I????

So I wasn’t pissed about that ,what pisses me off is how I got into a relationship with a useless person who made my life feel like hellfire between April 29,2022 till August 14th 2023.

This whole agreement annoys me till today and it’s because at that point I was all for seeing the good in people and like helping the needy type bullshit. I was thinking that maybe if I gave him enough love he would be better I guess (not the I can change him cause I most definitely could not) , let’s see it in a sense that I just believed that he was damaged and he most definitely is damaged but that is probably ingrained (who gives a shit now anyways?).

  At the time alot of things were being said about him and I was new so like I didn’t hear much but omo I was ashamed of this guy😭😭😭 Chim. My leg was never fully inside the relationship I just wanted it for the experience ig and attention lowkey Chim. So the relationship was going okay ig but I do believe that we were toxic asf and it’s not because I’m a bad person or anything I’m just very good at returning energy.

I know someone might be wondering,why all the strong terms for this retard…don’t worry I’m getting to that😊

Returning energy in the sense that at that time I had so much love to give cause I wanted someone imperfect to love me for all my imperfections and vice verse but I was given a spawn of satan. Anyways one of the greatest read flags was when he started asking me to send nudes, at that point i had never technically sent anything like that to a guy but gosh this boy manipulated and gaslighted me like he was satans right hand man … lest I digress cause this nudes story is still from the ending of 2022 and the middle of 2023.

The summer of 2022 that is between july and September , my people we were no contact,

Why? I also did not know .

This guy was in hostel for his GCE extension classes which every ss2 student does and he didn’t deem hit fit to update me or send me messages, nothing like that oh very useless boy. At first I though he wasn’t with his phone cause he was in hostel but then I realized that he actually was he just didn’t think of talking to me cause obviously I saw his once in a while posts. This summer was my transition between junior and senior secondary so I was already going through alot but I didn’t go for summer school ,honestly if I did I would have seen him but I’m not a fan of summer school so I didn’t bother.

Anyways during this summer I took a personal break that’s what I’ll call it ,

Cause that whole period I just said I was single ( wasn’t i ?).

My “relationship” with this guy helped me bond with a lot of friends cause omo I always had something to talk about.

Honestly after that summer I already planned that as I was entering school in August that nothing for him oh. I had already planned and agreed that I would just finalize the break up in his presence.

At this point I was already lowkey scared of him cause he actually was aggressive but he didn’t have any leverage on me at the time so I was honestly calm.

The worst of it all happened in my ss1 cause that was the bulk of the relationship.

To be continued 😭

Don’t forget to leave a comment

But don’t judge me oh🫩

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You guys this week is a lot for me omo

I have school and classes everyday with lesson and assignments and then I have an event on Friday that I need to make my outfit for,hopefully I can continue again this week and if not you guys will forgive me right?

Right?

I fear that if you are triggered just know that it happened to me… and it was very very very traumatic 😭

But I downplay a lot of things so it’s fine(now ig).

Now let’s start from the absolute beginning, although I’ll have to shorten this a little cause this is years of events. Also you know this thing that the brain does when something traumatic happens and you don’t remember everything?( i read somewhere that it happens) Good thing I journal tho so I’ll be making references to receipts and journal entries.

Okay are you ready?

Cause this is going to be difficult even for me.

The year is 2021 and I had just changed schools due to a number of reasons but that’s a story for another day… I went to RGGS(I won’t say the full meaning but fuck them) mostly because my mum thought that since it’s a redeemed school it would be good for my older sister and I (honorable mention, she is one year my senior). This was complete bullshit by the way if you haven’t already noticed, that school put me through hell fire but it’s fine now😭.

Skip skip skip

Before I came to this school I was in a situationship with the guy from one of my earlier posts (the only guy I ever loved)

That story is also extra complicated but maybe I’ll write about it one day.

So basically why did that end? So I came to a new school and I was so surprised that seniors found me to be pretty or maybe they just wanted to groom me who knows now but we also decided to give eachother space cause we were in new environments and he said he trusted me. i forgot to mention that at this point i was in Jss3 so i kind of already had some experience but nothing beyond kissing or fondling (such a weird word😭) so i was kind of a prude. So I was still talking to my former situationship and we were honestly really cool that when I kissed Ire (he is very important) I told him and honestly he was cool with it or atleast he said he was. Then when I kissed O (another one kind story) I think i mentioned it too but this particular kiss with O I regret soooo much cause ew , this isn’t part of the story so let’s ignore it. So I liked Ire, I honestly really did like him because he was tall , handsome, cool and my senior (Ire is very important to this story so take note) he was also really charismatic. I actually kissed ire for the first time (we only kissed once) and ICL it was veryyyy nice )that aside and the main character in this story Oladokun (stupid guy) was actually there.

  Skip skip skip

So Ire and I started talking realy well and we were close and all but he confused the shit out of me . At a point he asked me out but he took it back the same day(make it make sense???) so I kind of ignored that and then we became cool again but he reduced the way he used to flirt with me.

Now for one of the dumbest things in this story, Ire told me that Oladokun(ew) liked me and honestly It was ew, I didn’t think he was fine,I didn’t think he was cool or anything either but he really tried so I’ll give the idiot that. He started kind of pursuing me in jss3 1st term ending and I only answered in third term

.

So I’ll give him grace . Something dumb that i eventually found out was that Ire and Oladokun both liked me I guess and Ire decided to step back(are they stupid) so that Oladokun would have a shot with me(stupid right ? Yes I was also flabbergasted) .Even when I eventually answered him when he asked me out i technically didn’t like him like that but I had this mentality that oh I’m in jss3 and if we lasted i probably wouldn’t date anymore in secondary school(I didn’t ) and that what was the worst that could happen?

Baby girl or boy the worst happened pa😭

Anyways I’ll continue this another day there is honestly a lot more behind this but I’ll get to then maybe in part 2 to wherever it ends if you guys are willing to read them.

I’m going through it rn so I said why not just post something old but true.

I love entirely too much

It takes up so much

I don’t fall in love

Or start to love

I jump into it

Without a safety net

I feel the impact

Maybe that’s why I stay back

It overwhelms me

It makes me stupid

I’ve been in love too many times to count

So now I’m distant

The last person I put on a pedestal

My teacher…

I loved him not in the obvious ways

But in anyway one would love their mentor

He died.

A part of me died with him

Death doesn’t inform

It doesn’t warn

It does what it  wants

It breaks but never mends

It opened my eyes to the possibility

Of loving too much

And losing it all

He isn’t missing

He isn’t busy

He is just gone

And to say I saw him on that  Friday he was fine

But now he isn’t here

I am capable of love

Far too much so

I love too much

I let in too easily

Maybe that’s why I now stick to myself

I allow both of us to careen into eachother

But at a distance

I won’t prophesy my love

Even when it’s on the tip of my tongue

Not even when I want to scream it from the top of my lungs

I stay quiet

I breathe it in

I acknowledge it

To myself

Cause I know

You may know

But you’ll never know how much It hurts me to constantly be afraid of loss

To never love fully

To hang in the balance

To always be on edge

To never be loved fully

To watch from a distance

To never risk it all

to always want

And never have

All of this is obviously in my mind I’ve been conditioned to be afraid to show love🤭

Anyways enjoy

And don’t forget to subscribe or not

But read my posts!

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Okay spoiler guys,

I’m still young, not young enough that I have gullible fantasies about the world but young enough that I’m not legal.

Anyways I don’t mean sorry in a way that I regret

I just mean that I no longer fit in the bracket of wanting the ‘perfect life’

But I’m evolving,I’m growing and who knows maybe in the next five years I may not want all the things I want now

I think I’ll do this by addressing some of my younger self dreams.

(P.S some of them are a bit crazy.)

I used to want to be a singer when I was younger, when I was 10. Mind you my voice isn’t Adele level but I wouldn’t say it’s bad ,it has its days,but what was I thinking?

I remember that year I wrote it in my goals that In five years I want to be a singer😭

Baby girl just no. I was so imaginative,help!

My mum used to shame me that time ehn

That is it with my voice that I will be a singer,

Thank God she advised me that time if not I would have been posting please help me boost my new track…

I still like singing alone now tho but maybe when I meet my sweet boy I’ll sing for him(scratches head)

I feel like that dream didn’t last cause I wasn’t very passionate about it

That time I was only like 50% interested in being a singer but I didn’t like the way my mummy shamed me (she didn’t bully me tho)

My mummy is a funny person maybe I’ll tell her that I didn’t like the way she did not support me😭

Nexttt!

I also wanted to be a lawyer…

Maybe thats why I’m in this pit I dug for myself now.

Dj insert Igbo sorrowful song

I used to want to be a lawyer not because of an ill perceived form of justice.

I wanted to be a criminal lawyer particularly because I was always fascinated as to why criminals do what they do ,I would have been on the side of “justice”

Now I know that that was complete bullshit.

My dream profession right now is not very far from this though

After the criminal lawyer dream crashed

Or evolved however you see it

I got interested in criminology

I still like criminology but I don’t want to be a criminologist anymore

The thing is I’m always thinking

and criminology also doesn’t work for me

So now I want to a forensic psychologist

•Forensic psychology is the application of psychological science, research, and principles to legal, criminal, and civil justice systems. It bridges psychology and the law, involving assessments, evaluations, and treatments in settings like courts and jails

For those wondering what it is all about.

I realized that I didn’t want to be part of a broken system and cycle,I just want to understand and make a difference.

I’m into true crime — criminal’s fascinate me— I’ve read so many thrillers and crime books and watched so many documentaries and honestly I blame John Grisham for making me think I wanted to be a lawyer.

Nothing like that again 😭.

I have maybe 4 John Grisham books and this man really deceived me with his beautiful writing. It wasn’t just him though it’s Nigerias’ poor education system, because you only hear a few occupations in school. So the no brainer for me then because of my interests was law. I’m not sha doing again.

I still intend on getting law as a first degree just to show that i can do it , but OAU bit my nyash last year so i’m doing Jupeb. The only other thing that hurts about this whole admission stuff is that if I was going for psychology I would be happy and I would be in school already by now.

Anyways this isn’t a sad post it’s just a farewell to some of my old dreams.

I do hope to be a forensic psychologist in the next 10 years and you guys will most definitely hear of me.

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Finally, Because I don’t have much time… my thoughts on marriage 😭

maybe I’ll write another article for the rest.

So I used to want to get married early maybe 23-25 and then give birth to 4 children ,

I too do oh😭.

This isn’t bad because it isn’t possible but it’s so off because I just wanted to  have a perfect life and obviously that isn’t possible.

Well , now I want to get married (if i get married Atall) probably in my late 20’s —27-29 —

I want to achieve everything I want to achieve in my life and maybe if I meet someone who will not hinder me and my vision maybe I’ll alter or adjust  my time frame

I don’t think I’ll go deep into this one because I still don’t know what I fully think about it but I for sure don’t want to get married early anymore.

Under this I’ll place virginity,again I’m still very curious about this,

I’m mentally very sexual 😭 (I’m very nasty omo, even with the things I read) but physically I’m very Asexual,

Mostly because of bad experiences and very little experience mixed together.

Anyways maybe when I find someone that I’m willing to share my body with maybe I’ll explore it as an option cause I might not eventually wait till marriage but who knows life is full of indefinites.

Okay bye guys,

If I find time to make a part 2 or a continuation maybe I will.

Thank you for getting this far I really appreciate it.

I hope you enjoyed this article 🤭

So this year I decided to embrace being alternative

I don’t know what sub culture I fall under

So I just a say I’m alt(for anyone that’s wondering).

Anyways

I love black

I love dressing edgy

I love black and red lipliner

I love extra piercings (not too many tho)

I love dressing corporate goth

I love looking good

I love shaping my eyebrows

And I love the way I look

But then there are some unlearned people who feel the need to make comments I didn’t ask for.

I’ve struggled with self image most of my life

And for once I feel powerful and sometimes beautiful

And then someone wants to use their unnecessary comments to bring me down.

Obviously there are some people that don’t understand it and ask and that’s fine

And then again there are people that don’t understand and then find it weird or just different.

Because they like looking basic?

And nothing on basic or minimalist girls that look good,

But thats the only way I can explain it .

My roommates friend made a comment today

She said “I don’t even understand this your lip combo sef , is it red Abi pink”

Just a really Back handed thing to say

Especially with the look she was giving me

Mind you today my lip combo is just brown and burgundy and it’s not bright Atall

Then she doubled down and said

“Even this your hair sef”

I love my hair ,I’ve had it for over a month and I don’t want to take it out cause I like it that much

It looks like Moesha braids

It wasn’t originally like that tho the curls just droppe

d

I just said plainly as a response to both comments that I didn’t ask her for her opinion and if I wanted to know what she thought about my appearance I would have asked

This isn’t the first time that she is commenting on my appearance

There comment on my weight too

And I’m not even completely midsize (size 10/12)

What do you mean by I’m fat???

And it gets annoying .

She is Muslim and she is a Niqabi at 16

I don’t think she has much to say in the fashion department.

I’m already going through alot

I don’t know why these people keep testing me.

They should be happy that I have a good amount of self control.

My dressing is honestly the least different or queer thing about me.

This is the reason why I don’t tell people things

Because human beings are so judgmental (especially in Nigeria)

Ugh

I’m writing this in class right now

That’s how irritated I am right now

I really think that if you have nothing good to say to a person

don’t say anything Atall .

I’m so stressed that I’m sick

I’m mentally exhausted and drained

And the only person(thing) I feel comfortable enough to rant to is my journal

That’s how bad it is.

This has nothing to do with trust issues right now

it’s more of not being able to be expressive because of conservatism

Why are you conservative as a teenager that owes everything you are right now to liberals

Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean conservatism in respect to moral and religious values

I mean fashion, food, ideologies, hairstyles, makeup,politics even , books also.

My roommates are lucky that I’m not goth.

I mostly only like gothic dressing and movies

But if I was goth ,

I would blast metal and hard rock😠

But I hate loud music so lucky them,

My dressing is basically the opposite of my music taste lol.

I’m already over ranting, Help!

Yes so Ogo 0 - 1 roommates friend

Sigh

Today is going to be a long day.

I’m feeling very distant from God

And I know that’s normal

But this time it isn’t normal

I don’t feel the urge to run back

I don’t feel anything tethering me to him

In all honestly I love being a Christian

But it has never given me the closure that I need

I’ve always had bottled up feelings and emotions

So I turned to journaling

I’ve been journaling since I was in JSS1/JSS2

And I find so much peace in journaling

Other than repenting and being in Gods presence

I can second putting my feelings into writing

Cause I have no one to talk to that would understand

I told someone almost everything once

And he used it against me eventually…

That deeply warped my sense of trust

And slowly I stopped talking about the real me

I still talk a lot

But I don’t think anyone has noticed that I never talk about Me.

I’ve faced loss,Betrayal,Envy,Hatred

You name it

And I’ve still remained tethered to God.

One good thing I learned from Christianity

Is being a good person,

And i wouldn’t trade that for anything

But I am slowly beginning to feel like an hypocrite

especially in the presence of God

Maybe I need to take a full break from everything religion

That might not work cause I’m in school and I’m always busy

So I might not notice as I barely notice when I forget to do my devotions

Obviously I haven’t had it as bad as other people

But I’m not other people and I don’t want to be

I’m thinking of the best path for me

I hate the way doubts are beginning to plague my mind about the existence of God and all I want to do is to stay with God.

I just want to breathe,

I want to love God again,

And I know the first step of repentance is recognition

But just maybe I want to step away from that

I’m not completely turning my back on God

I don’t want that

I’ve always felt the most peace in Gods presence

But I think I want to experience and I want to explore some parts of me that I am still afraid to share with the world

And maybe then I can pack everything up

Like a “prodigal daughter”

and run back to my father😕.

If you have any advice for me don’t forget to comment ☺️.

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She sees the world critically,

She wonders if it is just through her eyes,

She studies,

The soft ripple of the stream,

The gentle whisper of the wind,

The beautiful hues of the sky,

But she glimpses so much

In its varying beauty

She sees everything she is

Everything she wishes she could be

She relates to the fluidity of its colorful strokes,

she studies,

It’s intensity,

It’s liquidity,

It’s capacity to hold so much life.

So that when she is inevitably asked

who she is…

She would reply without a doubt,

The Sky.

So here is a poem I wrote about this feeling 😕

WANT

I want it ,

At the back of my mind

I will always want it

Not badly enough to fight for it

But enough to hope for it

And try for it.

I want it,

The cheers, the approval,

My mothers satisfactory grin,

To know that I have finally done it,

I have stopped balancing on the tight rope,

I lunged into a free fall,

I put my all,

And I wasn’t disappointed .

I want it,

The validation,

MY satisfaction,

To be sure that I can place my all

And get my deserved returns.

I want it,

I don’t need it,

I never can or will,

For if I do when it doesn’t work out

I would be irrevocably shattered

And all the years of building my wall

Would go to waste.

Nostalgia is sich a weird feeling

Cause you could be filled with overwhelming sadness and still be grateful that that situation happened or that you met that person.

I like to say that I’ve been in love once.

Yes I was pretty young but the feelings were very real.

He was everything I could have asked for and

I still find myself looking for some of his traits in people that I talk to,

Still I am yet to find anyone that matches his being ,even in the slightest.

Everyday I find myself craving such love again

Hoping that if I do maybe I’ll be complete again.

I always say that I can never like fair guys

That’s ironic because my greatest love

Was a beautiful fair Yoruba boy (I say beautiful because handsome can’t describe his beauty )

I would like to do this without stating the dynamics of our relationship…

Cause as they say it was complicated…

I’d like to believe that he loved me as much as I loved him.

Cause he did say it quite a number of times.

This boy made me feel!

He made me feel like the female lead in an American romance movie,

Like I was on top of the world,

Like I face all my fears and emerge victorious…

I strongly believe in friends to lovers

Because it is all in one

You get a confidant,a best friend,a companion,a lover…

Need I say more

Spoiler: we don’t talk anymore (but that’s besides the point)

Gosh!

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sometimes I just sit and reminisce

on us and our experiences

And I wish that I could have that again

Even if it’s just for a while.

The nostalgia hits me hard sometimes cause

I loved who I was with him,

I loved who I was because of him,

We just fit,you know?

Like the two pieces that connect so well in a puzzle and you can’t help but grin and laugh.

My friend(Ella) will probably read this and I don’t know what she’d think of it.

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I don’t think I was in love with the idea of him.

I really do think that he is the single most person that Ive ever been able to bare my soul to without judgement whatsoever.

The funny thing is I don’t think i ever told him that I loved him or my memory might be failing me

Or maybe I said it but in a way that didn’t imply that I wanted to have all of him and i wanted him to have all of me too.

Sighs in past mistakes.

I want to be in love again,

I want to feel again,

I want that passion,

I want that peace,

I love myself when I’m in love and I really do hope to have that feeling again…

Maybe someday I will.

Yes you read the title right,

I love love

I really do.

My problem isn’t love per say,

my problem is finding someone to envelope all my love in.

I always say it’s complicated when someone asks why I’m single,

And obviously aside from the fact that I’m still young and barely surviving…

It’s mostly because I’m confused and within that confusion on everything that is life and outside of life,

I barely know who I am,

And I doubt anyone knows who I am deep down,

I’m a spinning wheel of endless thoughts.

Now this isn’t a deep dive into my preferences (IFYKYK) and my emotions so back to the topic

Ogo vs Love

I’d say I am ready to love and be loved right now but the type of love I crave at the moment would mean tearing down all my walls,

Truthfully I’m not ready for that just yet.

I’d have to give my partner a deep dive into my soul,

even the forgotten parts…

When I say I don’t date short term I only say this because I want stability, I want a constant, a non negotiable,

This may be corny but I want my other half.

I’ve never been one to judge someone’s choices, not because they aren’t bad or questionable

but because when I finally give it all to someone I want them to see all of me and still love me,

For ME.

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I wrote this a long time ago and honestly it resonates so deeply.

I need to write more now that I’m on a break.

But enjoy this for now

I’ve been trying to be serious with my academics (send help),but I guess I’m getting something right at least hopefully cause I’m here with a poem 🥹.

Rain?

In a puddle of my own sadness,

The world becomes streaks,

Blurry Lamp posts on a dark night,

It’s rain isn’t it?

As I sit in silence,

I hear the pitter patter of the drops?

The mighty thunder of my thoughts,

Drowning in a pool of heart ache.

It has to be the rain!

The drops can’t be anything but natures

recurring blessing,

It cannot not come to this.

Titanium does not falter,

Diamonds do no shatter,

And still,

Suddenly it feels as though

a vacuum has sucked away my air,

And no matter how much I swallow,

Or atleast try to,

I still fall short .

But still I swallow the air greedily,

Hoping to store up enough

For when the cycle restarts.

The drops cannot be normal,

I will not let it be.

It cannot be real.

This diamond is not meant to shatter

It shouldn’t

But…

No

It must be rigid,immovable,reliable.

Yes,

as it should.

But…

Just maybe…

This rock can falter,

Maybe it can let go,

Maybe it will reveal geodes after the storm

But,

Can it truly let go?

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I have receipts Incase don’t believe me

🤷🏾‍♀️

If you asked me what happiness is

I’d stare and wonder for a while

Of course I know the definition of happiness

Who doesn’t?

But if you asked me if I was happy

That’d be a lot harder

What is happiness?

It’d be a lot harder obviously.

I can’t say I’ve been happy before,

I have been happy to others.

But I feel the despair

I feel it,

I sense it,

They don’t.

Oh she’s always been happy,

Oh that’s how she is,

No!

That’s what she shows you,

That’s what she allows herself to show,

If she showed you the darkness,

Would you stay?

If you like what I write and have to say please subscribe 😉

It’s a big orange button I know you want to press it

I find it so hard to accept compliments ,

I always have.

There is no logical explanation for it

Cause my reasoning would seem very off to anyone

I simply just don’t believe when someone calls me pretty…or beautiful.

I cannot fully say that they are lying

But I just don’t believe that I am.

It’s not an everyday occurrence

Cause I might feel really pretty today

And then I’d start self doubting tomorrow.

I self affirm to believe it within me

Like “I look really good today”

Or the occasional “I fine oh”

But it never seems like it’s enough.

Gift giving has always been my love language but recently I’ve found myself

Appreciating words of affirmation more.

The problem with words of affirmation is that my brain has already been wired to believe that the other person is lying even if they might be saying the truth.

It’s a very awful coping mechanism that

tries to guide my heart from hurt.

But isn’t it its own form of hurt?

I’ve struggled with my skin and self image for about 7 years—that’s bad cause I’m just 16–

It sometimes makes me second guess myself and I’ve come to believe

That maybe I’m not worthy of love.

That’s crazy cause it’s not that I tell myself everyday that I’m not “pretty” enough to be loved

It’s just a thought that’s constantly at the back of my mind.

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At this point I know I’m beginning to contradict myself ,

But honestly that’s just how I feel

It may not be logical but it’s real,

It’s complex,

It’s me,

Or At least that’s what I’ve come to believe.

It’s also really dangerous .

I find myself trying to notice flaws in other people just to justify how I feel,

It’s not body shaming or anything

I just find myself making mental notes

Just to say to myself that I’m fine

It’s fine and that I’m not alone.

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