Hello!

It feels so yummy to be sitting here, writing at my desk, while my children are finally back in school (hip hip hooray!) and we’re all coming back down from the madness of summer travel and back to school chaos.

Trying to be gentle with myself as I ease back in (please be gentle with me!) — sharing some thoughts today from the summer with my in laws, and the parenting/back to school topics on my mind this week!

Glad to be back here with you (in spirit, obviously) Thanks for reading!

I spent a lot of time with my in laws this summer

One of the special parts of my family’s extended trip to Greece is that we take the trip with my husband’s family. His father grew up in Greece, so it has always been a priority to spend regular time there and expose our children to the culture, the islands, the food, etc. It is an incredible gift for our family to connect to their grandfather’s heritage in such an immersive way (and an immense privilege to be able to step away for a big chunk of the summer.)

That being said, spending nearly a month in shared spaces with one’s in laws is hard! It is a whole new set of pseudo roommates, and all of a sudden you’re both learning people’s daily rhythms and routines, and figuring out how to take care of yourself within a larger group dynamic. As a creature of routine and structure, this felt, at times, immensely destabilizing.

I have a lot of thoughts on in law relationships — (it is maybe one of the top 3 most talked about topics in my couples therapy practice after division of labor and sex) — but here are two dynamics I noticed this summer from my own experience:

Firstly I want to say that I am truly grateful for involved, loving and kind in laws. We have been incredibly lucky to have highly involved grandparents - which I know is not the case for many. If this is especially painful or triggering for you (for whatever reason!) — please take gentle care (or skip altogether!)

1. Your in laws (or parents for that matter) will interact with your children differently than you do.

• Watching the ways in which my in laws connected, spent time and showed love to my kids this summer was so wonderful - and so different from how I do things. (For example, my mother in law is incredible at playing! She brings toys from home, art projects, and she can build sand castles on the beach for hours… I am more of a ‘lets snuggle and read’ type of mom so my kids have a very different experience between us.)

• It’s easy to feel feelings of either - inadequacy (I have long wondered if I should be more playful as a parent) OR on the flip side, feeling critical when you see a grandparent interacting with your kids in a way that doesn’t feel good to you. It’s hard to know when or if it’s worth stepping in to share your concerns (we faced this when it came to different rules around sugar and screen time!) because it feels important to let them interact authentically AND, we are still the parents.

• Ideally grandparents should be a WIN/WIN/WIN: A win for the kids because more stable adults who love them is incredible; A win for grandparents because they get to delight in their grandchildren and revisit a playful and nostalgic chapter of their lives and a win for the parents, who a) hopefully get a caretaking break! but b) get to delight in seeing the love between generations.

  • I often ask couples what they will need in order to get to a place with their parents or in laws where they feel it is a win/win/win. Is it specific boundaries? Is it clearer communication? Is it lowering anxiety and cutting off access to a baby monitor when grandparents babysit? etc.

  • I have found it helpful to step away and give my in laws and my kids their alone time. It doesn’t help anyone for me to be around at all times, watching every decision or distracting my kids from the more rare and treasured grandparent time - so, if I can, I often use the opportunity as a way to take care of myself so that when I am back to a hands on role, I feel a) recharged and b) gratitude for their support.

2. Hard parenting moments are deeply vulnerable (and sometimes unpleasant to be witnessed.)

• We had a hard parenting summer. Without specific details, there were a number of moments that pushed me and my husband to our limit. We felt inadequate, overwhelmed, frustrated. Moving through these moments with our children was hard — but there was another layer knowing my in laws were there, witnessing it all happen in real time.

• It is one thing to parent alongside people when it’s going well. When your kids are cute and regulated and polite and loving — it couldn’t be better. When they are struggling (and frankly acting like they’re going through an exorcism) — it is vulnerable. It’s impossible not to feel protective (and defensive!) wondering if they are being judged for their behavior. Are you being judged for your parenting? What do they think of how you handled that moment? It’s a lot.

• Discipline and parenting are SO different across generations, I’m sure as a grandparent it feels impossible to watch parents today without many opinions about how things are different - good and bad. (I’ve had many a conversation with my own parents about feeling confused by ‘gentle parenting’ and why can’t we just demand respect?!")

• The gift of silent support. We had a particularly hard parenting moment one evening; I was angry and embarrassed by my child’s behavior and deeply attuned to the fact that my in laws were watching me discipline her. It was a mix of both natural consequence, stern language and then, ultimately - asking for processing conversation to understand what the actual fuck just happened?

  • I don’t know how my in laws felt about it - I know they were shocked, upset by the ordeal, but they never said a word about how I handled the moment. When I came back into the room, the only thing my father in law said was, “do you need a hug?” … and that was it. Whether or not he felt I handled it well (or completely dropped the ball) who knows — but I felt respected as the parent and supported in my approach. It was an in law/parent win - regardless of the potential parenting fail.

Many more thoughts on the relational topic of in laws and its many layers — but for now, those are top of mind!

Back to School

I was so eager for my kids to return back to school after so much time away, but I really did not anticipate the dysregulated and exhausted children that are now coming home.

Of course, every kid is different — but for us this week, the after school/pre dinner hours have been brutally hard — lots of crying, meltdowns, exhaustion fueled sibling squabbles… hard on them, hard on me.

I know I’m not alone - many of my parent friends are in solidarity mode this week as we all navigate how to show up for our kids in this season of transition.

My only advice (which is basically all I’m telling myself at the moment) is that we can’t control the meltdowns - we can only control our reaction to them. I’m working overtime to stay regulated, calm and loving because it’s my job to be the holding container of emotions right now. (And, I’m absolutely exhausted.)

Crossing finger for an easier week 2 and beyond!

Getting back into a co-parenting routine

Those of us with school aged kiddos can really use the back to school season (and new schedules!) as an invitation to rethink how we’re spending our time and dividing our time (and labor) in our partnerships.

I wrote about this topic last year, here — and included a list of questions for couples to explore as they revisited their goals and values for the year as coparents. Highly recommend a little tune up to share with your partner —

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Thank you for being here!

with gratitude,

Sasha

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This space is so special to me — and, in order to keep it so, I’ve decided to close up shop (Newsletter and Clinical Load) for the month of August! My family is heading to Greece for the rest of the summer, and I’m planning to fully unplug. (Re reading this post on family travel before I leave!)

Feeling incredibly grateful that my clients are so lovely and supportive of this clinical pause, and I know with some rest and time fully offline, I will be so excited to jump back into therapy and writing in the fall.

There will be no new newsletters until September but lots of good ones in the archive for you to peruse, if you’d like!

Here are some of my favorite posts so far —

My Magic Formula for Date Nights

Maternal Gatekeeping

For when you’re feeling overwhelmed — juggling practice!

Capability vs. Capacity

A relationship state of the union

Desire Systems - I want to Want it

Thank you so much for being here - for reading, subscribing, sharing - all of it. It means so much to me to share my work with you! I hope you get a chance to unplug for a little moment (or many) to enjoy the last weeks of summer!

with gratitude,

Sasha

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The conversation moved from hearing your partner fart, to peeing with the door open, to the way a partner clears their throat — my friends, because they are amazing, gave me permission to share the conversation (names blocked, obviously) in the hopes of going a bit deeper on the topic!

Read on!

(Ok, so firstly - my friends are hilarious and I was truly cackling while this conversation was happening real time. Re reading it is equally hilarious.)

And, it hits on something very real for couples who are in long term committed partnerships - who share homes and bathrooms and are living deeply interconnected lives. How do you move through a moment of disgust when you’re committed to this person? How can you navigate the ups and downs of being grossed out by your partner, and also loving them? How do you hear them fart and then have sex with them in the same day?

Firstly, what gives the “ick” to one person may be neutral to another - so there is no hard and fast rule here - many people report hygiene to be a trigger for the “ick” sensation, but there are various potential triggers (e.g. lack of confidence, poor manners, unbalanced diet, messiness etc.1)

Here are some of my thoughts on the topic:

What does the research say?

On the ick as a mate selection tool:

• According to studies on the “ick” and disgust: “When it comes to disgust, our instinctual response is usually to stay away. This is thought to have evolved to keep us safe from things that can make us sick, like rotten food. Psychologists have suggested that sexual disgust therefore helps us to stay away from incompatible partners2. Higher sensitivity to disgust has been linked with higher likelihood and frequency of experiencing the ick3.”4

Who experiences the “ick”?:5

• Studies found that people with higher levels of perfectionism were more likely to experience the ick in their relationships; “having high expectations for others – has been linked with both a higher likelihood and a higher frequency of experiencing the ick, which suggests that people with more rigid standards experience the ick more often. A wider range of behaviors could lead to the ick for people high in other-oriented perfectionism, and these are more likely to be interpreted as “meaningful relationship shortcomings”.¹

• There isn’t conclusive evidence linking those who experience this disgust more often with attachment styles — but there is a hypothesis that those who lean more “avoidant” in their attachment are more likely to experience the “ick” sensation; “When we have high attachment avoidance, closeness and intimacy can feel uncomfortable. Getting the ick creates distance from your partner, which can help someone with an avoidant attachment style to feel safer.”

The switch from Romantic Love to Companionship

We know that falling in love sends our brain chemistry into fireworks! We are hopped up on dopamine and oxytocin — our person is in color and the rest of the world is black and white. It’s glorious and sexy and wonderful and our tummies are filled with butterflies — and, the research suggests that most couples only hold onto this feeling for about 18 months.

After that time (what therapists call the Romantic phase) couples switch into the companion phase of partnership. It’s the real life part — the excitement has died down a bit, sex may be less frequent, conflict may be more frequent. It is often described as taking off the rose colored glasses — and we start to see our partners both as more realistic partners and as flawed humans.

The door of the bathroom was of course closed during that romantic phase — we were on our best behavior!! A former colleague used to call this period “auditioning” which I always loved. You’re auditioning to be a lifelong partner but you don’t have the commitment of marriage or kids (presumably) so you’re putting your best foot forward.

As we switch to companionship — we both become more secure in our relationship (yay!) AND, we let down our guard a bit. This is when the bathroom door cracks open. We feel safe and loved and comfortable to show more of our (grosser) human traits because we’re no longer auditioning - we already got the part!

This is when most couples come up against both their hygiene and cleanliness boundaries — and I know many of us would be ok if our partners summoned some of their auditioning energy for our day to day lives.

Let’s go deeper - what does it mean?

I don’t think there is a definitive answer here — but I do think it’s worth getting curious about the root cause of such a big reaction.

In the case of my girlfriend - she has communicated many times to her partner that she would like him to close the door when he uses the bathroom. That feels like a reasonable ask and boundary to respect. When he doesn’t, it feels like a blatant disregard of her needs.

As for the other complaint - the throat clearing and heavy breathing — one might argue that is less controllable. While my girlfriends’ are deeply resourceful and working to solve the problem (they both have scheduled their partner’s ENT appointments) frustrations around things our partner’s can’t control is an invitation to look inward and explore why it hits our buttons so hard? The answer may just be that it’s annoying, but worth getting curious about why.

Some of the reading I’ve done on this topic has suggested that these feelings of disgust can be clues to a deeper disconnect or emotional misalignment within the couple. If this feels true, spend some time thinking about the root of it and when it feels more present in your relationship. A friend or therapist would be a great thought partner.

How to handle —

1. slow down, regulate your breathing and let the experience move through you. The “ick” is often experienced suddenly and quickly so give it a moment to subside using your breath.

2. Explore if this is a pet peeve (something to communicate and alert your partner to) or the sign of a larger concern or disconnection.

3. clear is kind.

   1. communicate using “I feel” statements to your partner to let them know how their behavior has affected you and what you’re feeling.

   2. explore your partner’s willingness to change behavior and/or constraints to doing so.

4. check back in —

   1. if your partner has noticeably changed behavior after learning of your experience, express curiosity and gratitude. If it feels like no changes have been made, explore constraints and ask questions.

5. reconnect

   1. this experience might make you feel suddenly disconnected from your partner. Lean into activities of connection and opportunities for “mini repair” to get your relationship back to baseline.

Thank you to my friends who inspired today’s newsletter — and as always, to you for reading.

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with gratitude,

Sasha

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I cannot count how many times couples comes into session to talk about a recent conflict that started with a botched “reunion moment” from the end of the work day. On the surface, it seems like a small beans moment - something that happens every day, no big deal - but it’s actually a deeply charged moment in time that sets the stage for either a night of connection or disconnection.

In today’s newsletter I am going to share two different case vignettes to demonstrate two different kinds of reunion snafus. The vignettes are different but I hope you’ll recognize something of yourself in one, if not both.

And, I will share how I think about these moments through an attachment lens - providing questions and prompts for how to minimize the breakdown (and create deeper understanding) between couples in these high stakes moments.

Here we go!

CASE 1: Chaos of kids and work at the end of the day

It’s about 5:08 pm - you (mom in this scenario, but flip as you need it to apply to you) are just walking in the door with the kids, picking them up from daycare or home from after school activities. You left work at 4:30 pm to make sure you got to pick up on time. You had a rough plan for dinner, but haven’t had a moment to get it started.

Your partner isn’t done with work yet, so you try to set up kids with activities or tell them to go play, (or, if you’re brave, invite them to help you with dinner.) You are pulling it together, disrupting sibling squabbles and toddler tantrums because their hunger went from 0-100 in the past 30 seconds.

It’s overstimulating and you are juggling. Dinner isn’t yet ready, the table isn’t set and the kids backpacks and lunches haven’t been unloaded.

Now, your partner has been at work since 8 am. He has a huge project coming up, and he is feeling very overwhelmed. He feels uncomfortable leaving the office at 5:30 pm (well before his coworkers) but he knows being home for dinner is important and doesn’t want to cause a conflict.

Instead, he walks in the door at 5:55 pm and it’s complete chaos. The kids are melting down, and the whole house has the opposite of a “relaxing welcome home” vibe. No one comes to greet him, and instead, he hears “where have you been?” and, “Can you please be helpful?”. Immediately, he feels attacked.

You (mom) are simultaneously relieved to have your partner home and enraged that you’re holding the entire system afloat for the most chaotic hour of the day. Your partner comes into the house, (in your opinion) expecting fanfare and a greeting, when what you really need is a pinch hitter — you need him to come in and help, get his hands dirty and see what needs to be done (without you telling him.) Instead, you see him look at his phone and start typing away. You lose it.

He, comes home, feeling proud that he has prioritized his family time (while feeling overwhelmed and stressed at work) only to be criticized and attacked for not “jumping in” the moment he steps in the door. He gets pinged at this moment on slack, and has to answer the message from his boss (who is still at the office.) He doesn’t feel appreciated, he is exhausted and feels like he “can't do anything right” for his job or his partner. Then, as he looks up from his phone, he gets screamed at.

CASE 2: Waiting all day for you!

Partner A works from home. She isn’t particularly engaged at her job and often spends her day feeling underutilized or bored. She craves people, activity and connection — and finds herself radiating with energy as the work day comes to close.

Partner B works out of the house in a highly stressful, intensive job that requires much of her energy. She is easily overwhelmed and her social battery is depleted by the end of the workday. She comes home looking forward to a solo workout to blow off steam.

When partner B returns home, Partner A is already buzzing. She wants to hear about her day, share her own day and maybe even join her partner’s workout. Partner B walks in, says a brusque hi, and goes straight to change. She doesn’t want her partner to join her, and she doesn’t feel ready to unwind and unpack the day together yet, either. She is quiet and partner A feels the silence as rejection.

Partner A was so excited to see her — and Partner B immediately deflates her mood by her lack of warmth and curiosity about the day apart. Partner B wants time alone to unwind and destress, and feels pressure the moment she walks into the door.

The end of the night often results in a fight and a feeling of mismatched needs.

There is so much to unpack in each of these — as an attachment focused therapist, I think of this moment not just as the end of the day reunion, but something much deeper. It is a reconnection moment for our nervous systems — when my partner sees me after hours apart, his smile, his hug, his greeting is both a calming function (I am safe, exhale) and a message (I am loved, look how happy I make him!) These are the two most important things a person needs to know in intimate partnership - and we unconsciously co-regulate that message with our partners.

The reunion moment is our first opportunity at the end of the day to reiterate to each other (and our nervous systems) that we have reached our safe port in the storm. (You can read more about attachment here and here!)

Now, if these couples were in my office, here is what I want to explore with them:

• what was your expectation before you walked in the door, or the moment you and your partner reunited at the end of the day?

  • For Case 1: mom envisioned a helper and a teammate who would throw himself into the mix; Dad shares that before kids, he would come home from work and look forward to the daily download with his partner. She would greet him happily, listen to his day and offer support - and he would do the same. He is able to admit that he misses this kind of “reunion” moment and feels overwhelmed by the chaos at home following a stressful work day.

  • Case 2: Partner A wanted an effusive effusive reunion and to feel like her partner missed her during the work day; Partner B was focused on taking care of her own needs first in order to show up as a better and more energized partner, later.

• When did you feel things begin to escalate - either within your body or between you?

  • common therapeutic advice is to try and learn your body’s escalation cues, so you can catch a conflict before it gets going. Understanding how your body reacts in these moments of stress or miscommunication can help you to intervene sooner, and hopefully press the pause button.

  • I would explore with mom when she noticed her agitation rising — it likely began far before her husband arrived home, so his lack of engagement was just the straw that broke the camels back. For Dad, I would explore what happens for him when he’s stressed and how it shows up in his body and relationships.

• How does your and your partner’s attachment styles play into this exchange?

  • In the first case study, this couple is usually securely attached, but under stress, mom becomes avoidant and creates distance from her spouse. She feels that because he hasn’t met her needs (knowing what to do in the home right when he walks in / helping her) he has failed her in some way, and it’s easier to push him away (or lash out.)

  • If partner A was deeply secure, the “rejection” of Partner B needing time alone would be just that - time alone with no greater personal threat or meaning. Now, if she’s anxiously attached, the lack of reassurance or greeting might send her into a tail spin and feel like a true rejection — is my partner mad at me? why doesn’t she want to spend time together? am I lovable?

• What could each of you have done differently in this exchange?

  • This isn’t necessarily an opportunity to play the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” game or start blaming each other, but to offer up helpful alternatives and put on a collaborative problem solving approach. No single person in these stories is solely at fault for their conflict — it’s the cycle between them that needs to examined and poked at for opportunities.

• Do you know what your partner needs at the end of the day?

  • Dad knows the likelihood of him walking into a chaotic moment right before dinner time is high — maybe he and his partner can come up with a plan for how he can be most helpful in those moments and suspend the need for the emotional download/greeting until after the chaos dies down.

  • Partner A knows that her partner needs time to unwind in silence. She needs to create an emotional buffer for that moment, to self soothe (vs. taking it personally) and create her own end of day routine that isn’t dependent on Partner B right at the moment they walk through the door.

• What can you do before walking into this reunion to set you up for success?

  • the solution could be as simple as eating a banana on the way home so your blood sugar isn’t crashing when you walk through the door; OR, telling your team via slack that you’ll be offline for a couple of hours and will check back at a specific time, allowing you to be fully present and phone free when you greet your family.

  • If it’s been a tough day - sometimes it’s helpful to give your partner a heads up that you’re not your best and you’re going to need some grace for the evening. (If your partner runs anxious this can be helpful but it could also send them into a tizzy — you have to know your partner for this!)

Loving reminder: we aren’t going to be perfect — sometimes it is a bad day and we come home with that written all over our face, but being aware that the first moments between us matter more than we realize is a great start.

Inviting you to tune into your reunions with your partner, this week.

As always, thank you for being here and reading along. If this resonated with you, please share with your partner!

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with gratitude,

Sasha

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If you know me, you know I am simultaneously reading and listening to 3-4 books at a time. It’s a little cookoo tbh. I am an avid romance and fantasy reader — which is usually what I listen to as I run errands or clean the dishes at the end of the evening. I have a “professional-ish” book on my desk for weird breaks in my work day, and a contemporary fiction book both in my purse (you never know when you have a few spare minutes!) and on my bedside table for night time reading. It is undoubtedly a little chaotic but allows me to be within arms reach of a book at any given moment.

Perhaps none of these books are therapy focused per-say, but I firmly believe that there is a massive overlap between my love of psychology and my love of novels. Studies do show that reading fiction helps you to both better identify emotions in other people1, and that becoming deeply "transported" or emotionally immersed in a narrative boosts empathy2.

So, without further ado — if you’re looking for your next book, here are the books I’ve either just finished in the last few weeks or am currently reading/listening to!

Professional-ish/ Researchy

Just finished: Dopamine Kids by Michaeleen Doucleff PhD

I’ve referenced this book by Michaeleen Doucleff a few times but I absolutely loved it — while she is deeply science focused in her research, her delivery on the topic of screen usage and ultra processed foods in her home is relatable and highly digestible. I loved the actionable opportunities throughout the book and ways she invites her reader to think about their own familial goals alongside the data.

currently reading: Dad Brain by Darby Saxbe, PhD

Another research heavy but highly readable book on the way dad’s brains change with fatherhood and their caretaking experiences. Inspired by her own father’s transformation as he became a single dad to her and her siblings - she examines the most up to date research in the field (lots of longitudinal brain scans of dads!) About 1/4 of the way through, so still early days, but I’m really loving it and think it will be really powerful for a lot of couples exploring the dynamics of parenthood and how it impacts each of them individually and as an unit.

Fiction

Just finished: Whistler, by Ann Patchett

I am in love with Ann Patchett. Her ability to weave a story of ordinary people in an unremarkable setting into a gorgeous, deeply layered character onion is remarkable. This new one reminded me a lot of Tom Lake (her other most recent work) - this one about an adult woman bumping into her long lost (former) step father and the stories they’ve held onto for years about each other.

currently reading: Go Gentle, by Maria Semple

I’ve just started this one but I’m totally hooked — a single mother, philosopher by day, who lives in Manhattan and begins to create a community of other single women in her apartment building, calling themselves “the coven.” The book jacket promises the arrival of an exciting stranger and the protagonist thrown into some sort of romantic tumult! We’ll see!

Romance

(yes, it gets its own genre; I probably have to write a newsletter on what I believe to be the power of romance novels (and why all men should be reading them), but that’s for another day!)

Just finished: Dolly all the Time, by Annabel Monaghan

If Annabel Monaghan writes something, I’m reading it. She may be one of my favorite romance writers on the scene — mostly because she writes the second act story. All her protagonists are deeply layered, older women (some married, divorced, single moms) who have a second chance at love. She’s an expert at writing banter and crafting swoon worthy, high EQ male counterparts. This was the perfect summer candy romance.

currently reading: Meet me at the Lake, by Carley Fortune

I’m pretty late to the Carley Fortune bandwagon - not sure why, but I had held off for a while. Then, once I dove in, I really dove in - devouring all 5 of her novels within a couple of weeks. Great summer flings turned serious, gorgeous Canadian backdrops and a predictable story arc that always ends on a good note but leaves you feeling all your feels (the necessary contract of the romance genre!)

What are you all reading this summer? My TBR (to be read) stack is ever growing and that’s just how I like it. (I track all my reading on Storygraph, if that’s something you are excited about!)

Thanks for being here!

with gratitude,
Sasha

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I continue to sit with clients, chat with friends and explore in my own life — how do you know when you’re done having kids? How do you know when to close up shop, or how (and when!) do you decide to go for it?

I’ve had more than a handful of cases over the years where the initial reason a couple comes in to work with me is because of this misalignment — there is no way to compromise over a child (whether its having them at all, or going from 1-2 or 2-3, etc.) If one partner isn’t sure, or is vehemently against expanding the family, and the other partner desperately wants another child — then what? You can’t have half a kid. It’s one of the few all or nothing decisions we come up against as humans and therefore, requires significant time and care to process.

Sometimes, it’s less about a conflict within the couple - but difficulty making the decision altogether. How do you know if you want to become a parent at all? Or, if you already are a parent - how do you know when you’re done with the ‘baby’ chapter?

What if the decision was made for you because of infertility or health reasons — do you then explore other avenues towards growing your family? Are you aligned on what those avenues could be and how far you’d go in that process? The questions (and possibilities!) are overwhelming and expansive.

Today’s newsletter is a deeper dive into some of the research available on the topic, a decision making framework to play with and some prompts for deeper introspection.

If these topics are especially charged or hitting too close to your heart at the moment — please take gentle care and feel free to skip today.

Side bar: There are so many iterations of this topic — for the purposes of today’s newsletter, I will focus primarily on the decision to have a child or more children (with an assumption of no fertility concerns), and ways to think about couple alignment.

I will focus on fertility focused topics and non linear paths towards parenthood (IVF, adoption, egg or embryo donation, surrogacy, single parenthood by choice etc.) and ways to think about these choices/ couple alignment around the process in a future newsletter! Stay tuned if that’s on your radar!

I have a number of friends who, after giving birth to their last child, felt 100% certain and clear minded that their family was complete. They said they felt it in their bones — and they were able to close the door on babies (and give away all their baby gear!) No regrets, no second guessing.

Others, myself included, continue to wait for that feeling. We ask questions like, is my family complete? Could I do this again? Do I want to? What would be the trade offs for me, my marriage, my children? It often feels harder than making the initial leap into parenthood because this time, you actually know what to expect.

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I’ve sat down to write this week’s newsletter more times than I can count but keep coming up short — one year! It both feels wild and unbelievable that I’ve been writing (and editing and thinking and deleting and writing) nearly every week for a year.

Mostly, I want to say, thank you. Thank you for reading each week, for sending messages or shooting me a text and telling me how much a piece resonated with you. These words of encouragement have meant the world to me - and made some of the more confusing and vulnerable moments of the process feel worth moving through.

Today, I’m sharing a few of my reflections (positive and negative!) about this experience, if you’d like to read along!

Perhaps the greatest part of this process has been turning a part of my brain back on that has long felt dormant. Over the past decade, the great extent of my writing has been clinical notes and and treatment plans — and well, not a ton of creativity involved. It’s a necessary part of my beloved job as a therapist, but certainly not my favorite.

I forgot how much I love to write - the process, the wordplay, the toiling and editing — sometimes I look up and it has been two hours but it feels like two minutes. When was the last time we let ourselves get happily lost in the “work”?

For a year, I’ve been operating with a self inflicted deadline - Thursday morning. It is, of course, completely arbitrary and movable, but there is something powerful about the consistency, the routine and the discipline it takes to maintain. I feel a lot of pride in my ability to stay consistent this year — even when it was inconvenient or I had nothing to say, or was busier at home etc. etc.

A big part of trust in therapy is focused on external trust — can you trust what your partner is telling you? We (unfortunately) focus less on self trust. This newsletter has been a great experiment in self trust. Can I trust what I tell myself I am going to do? Each week that I have a newsletter ready to publish for Thursday morning, I am reaffirming this commitment to myself. If I do what I say I will do - my self trust, intuition, confidence for things throughout my life - all have deepened.

[^this applies to any self made commitment: I will run a mile. I will turn off my phone at 10 p. I will build this new habit etc. — each time we do that thing, we are rewiring our brains for self trust and each time we don’t follow through, we chip away at our ability to trust our own words.]

Now, the semi negative side of this process —

Well, firstly, it’s vulnerable as hell. Putting your work into the world is hard and brave! And, there is always a sneaky part of my brain wondering how something was received, or if in fact, I cannot write at all and everyone knows it - or worse yet, I am a terrible therapist and now it’s been discovered! Imposter syndrome is a sneaky bedfellow in this process and I’m learning to notice it and try to lower the volume when it rears its head.

I keep reminding myself of the Teddy Roosevelt “man in the arena” quote — famously used as the backbone of Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly; “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Whatever happens in this space — I feel proud of putting myself in the arena this year.

The other component I’ve found particularly tricky is that Substack is a social media platform (filled with comparison, desire for affirmation and a special brand of lighter fluid for any imposter syndrome.) I wrote about my struggles with using social media here — but I’m in a constant back and forth about how to use the platform professionally, if I want to “grow” on the platform (and for what purpose), or if I can hit publish each week and be content with a small but mighty group of readers. TBD!

Last note since I’m feeling emotional and reflective — I want to publicly thank my husband for both encouraging me to share so much of our relationship in this public way (even if it doesn’t always make him look great), but for also being my biggest cheerleader and weekly editor. So much of this work is both because of us and for us.

Thank you so much for being here — if you’d like to get newsletters straight to your inbox, please subscribe — and/or share with someone you love.

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With gratitude,

Sasha

And, one change that has occurred since his uptick in travel is that my husband is far less involved in our family schedules. He often isn’t in the same state as us, obviously I don’t expect him to manage the extra curriculars or pick ups — so, over time, I’ve stopped including him. I have been handling the vast majority of childcare and logistics and (most of the time) I have been able to accept that this is an unfortunate (and necessary) chapter of his work and our lives.

When he is out of town, this feels fine - he isn’t here, it doesn’t really make a huge difference if he knows what day each activity is — but when he is home, his lack of awareness and involvement was starting to feel like a point of tension.

I started noticing my frustration a few weeks ago when I would tell him the things that were happening over the weekend and I could see the information go in one ear and out the other. He would ask repeatedly for the same information, and then we’d both leave the conversation feeling frustrated.

My inner voice was wondering: why can’t he jump back into the mix and take ownership once he is in town? He doesn’t have to manage anything when he is gone except himself. When he is back in town, I’m not even expecting 50/50 but something closer.

And his inner voice was feeling exhausted, under appreciated for the effort and work he is doing in his job, while feeling like he is simultaneously falling short at home and disappointing me with every event he keeps forgetting. In his mind, the problem is our calendar system and if it isn’t on his calendar it would be impossible for him to get back into the loop.

So, there was our problem — I believed it to be a lack of effort on his part to reintegrate after each trip, and he believed it to be a systems failure.

After a hard conversation one evening where we were finally able to get to that (above) conclusion, my husband asked to take my phone and see if he could try to fix the problem by playing around with our respective and shared calendars. He suggested the use of an AI tool specifically for families that would provide a daily update in text form.

I begrudgingly agreed, although highly skeptical that anything AI would be the solution to what I felt to be an emotional issue. I, having basically never used ChatGPT, and him, an early adopter and software person — tend not to have the same approach to technology.

Fast forward — the following week, while out of town on another trip, I received a text from him that said “my new system is working! I see that there is no therapy today for (our daughter) and you’re bringing (her friend) to soccer practice!”

Now, not revolutionary — BUT, dang I felt seen! Something that normally only I would know, especially when he’s out of town, is now being pushed to his phone every morning (even my manicure appointment, lucky him.)

There are two big take aways from this (for me) —

Firstly, acknowledgment and words of affirmation are my ultimate love language, but that can only happen when things are visible. This tool is helping to cut through the noise of work/news/his own schedule etc. and help reprioritize the family calendar in a way that makes my efforts much more visible (and then ultimately, appreciated.)

The second takeaway is that — the solution to this disconnect was NOT what I thought it would be…. but it works for my husband and the way his brain / calendar / systems work. If I wanted him to make a change, it had to be done in a way that was intuitive to him, not to me. In fact, this has no extra burden on me - and only a benefit, so despite my (many) AI misgivings…. we’re calling this a win!

Curious how this one sits? It’s funny to acknowledge how different your brain can function from your partner’s — this was one of those moments for us — and feeling grateful that the motivation was there to make a change moving forward.

Thank you so much for reading — if this resonates with you, please share with your partner, “like” the article (which helps me reach more readers for unknown internet reasons!) and/or subscribe so weekly newsletters come directly to your inbox! All of these things are deeply appreciated.

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with gratitude,
Sasha

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The past few weeks as I’ve been meeting with my couples in therapy — parents (and non parents) — everyone is feeling busy. The routines of the winter and spring have fallen by the wayside, and now it feels like every weekend is filled to the brim with social activities and travel. It feels hard to find the time to prioritize each other.

In today’s newsletter I’m sharing a few clinical examples that have come up on this topic - and the solutions that my (amazing) clients are troubleshooting in their own lives. Read on — you may see some aspects of your relationship in these examples!

FYI No identifying information is being shared in these examples - and specific details have been altered to protect privacy (obviously ;))

For the parents that watch tv together to end their night

A couple I work with was talking to me this week about how hard it has been to find quality time together. They haven’t been on a date in months, and they are filled to the brim with their kids and work. At the end of the evening, if they are both home, they are often collapsing (after doing bedtimes) and vegging out on the couch with a show. Right now, that is their quality time — and kind of all they have energy for. I know so many of us relate to this.

So, we talked more about what they have bandwidth for - and decided that instead of aiming for a date night (which they really don’t have desire or budget for) they are going to choose one night a week to stay in, stay cozy and have a screen free evening together.

This might be quality time talking on the couch, playing a board game or card game or just pillow talk in bed — but they’re committing to one evening without their show, prioritizing time to play and connect with one another.

For the couple that feel like ships passing in the night

I met with another couple last week whose schedules feel impossible. They are managing insane demands at work and both are traveling non stop. Often, our sessions are taken from different places - each of them calling in from their respective locations.

Our most recent conversation explored their different needs around communication when they are apart and their expectations for when they reunite at the end of a trip or days of separation. These are obviously big topics and have many layers — but one aspect they are focusing on with intention is their reunion moments.

For example, if partner A returns from a trip on Thursday afternoon, Partner B is going to make sure they are home and the calendar is blocked for an intentional reunion and reconnection that evening (maybe even a date!) If partner B returns from a trip late in the evening, partner A will block the following morning to have breakfast together, etc. They are sitting down with their calendars every few weeks to figure out the moments of overlap and making sure they are aligned and intentional with these touch points.

Making the extra effort to block their (very busy) calendars for an hour or two (even during the workday) sounds simple, but they’ve realized is a very meaningful way to reset and recalibrate from time apart - while sending the message that their relationship is a priority amidst the necessary chaos.

(This couple has also done a tremendous amount of lovely work around how to communicate when they are apart — and what each of them needs to feel supported from afar.)

For the couple who hasn’t had sex in a while but would like to!

[This is a more complicated topic — and there are many, many reasons that couples do not have physical intimacy — but this example is mostly strategic.]

This couple finds it especially difficult to access intimacy within the realities of their day to day lives. If they go away for a night or a weekend (away from their kids and schedules) they have no trouble being intimate — but they haven’t quite figured out how to build it into their normal routine with kids at home.

Both partners in the couple enjoy intimacy, but neither are particularly high desire and so it has been easy to let sex fall to the back burner as their lives as parents have become busier and more full. They want to want it — and feel like they “should” be having more sex, but they have historically shown resistance to scheduling sex (not sexy).

[We talk a lot about this dynamic in our work — and they are learning to navigate their turn ons and offs - in addition to better understanding their systems of desire.]

One hurdle they are working through is finding a way to make scheduling feel fun and sexy. Initially it felt like defeat (goodbye old life of spontaneity!) but over time, they’re coming around - and finding ways to make the anticipation of being together feel special.

A sexy text, a photo, a little lead up — even an “I can’t wait for tonight” text — has transformed a dreaded “calendar invite” into something playful and fun. Sometimes even inviting the other to an “event” at an unexpected time creates a little humor (and as long as stakes feel low and playful) they are figuring out when/how to make this connection happen because they’ve finally accepted that sexual spontaneity isn’t available at this moment in their relationship.

20 second hug to start your day

Many mornings before school it feels like we’re about to go into the gladiator arena — packing lunches, getting ourselves ready, kids dressed, dog fed and walked, breakfasts. It is intense and no matter how much time I try to give us, we often feel rushed.

My husband and I often wake up before our kids, make our way downstairs, turn on the coffee pot (immediately) and then as it brews, we give each other a long hug.

What started as a morning ritual years ago, we now know is backed by the research; a sustained 20 second hug triggers the release of oxytocin in our bodies and reduces our cortisol levels, creating a positive feedback loop for deeper safety and attachment and lower stress. The gift that keeps on giving.

It’s a simple hack to help regulate our nervous systems to start the day AND it makes us feel like we’re stepping into the arena on the same team once our little monsters emerge. Highly recommend.

There are times when therapy needs to go deep — and other times, especially in couples work, when we’re focused on small changes in order to help reorient ourselves and reprioritize each other.

Hopefully these examples gave you some ideas for one or two small tweaks you can make in your relationship this season.

Thank you so much for reading — if this resonates with you, please share with your partner, “like” the article (which helps me reach more readers for unknown internet reasons!) and/or subscribe so weekly newsletters come directly to your inbox! All of these things are deeply appreciated.

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with gratitude,

Sasha

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I’ve been thinking a lot about social media the last year (especially after reading The Anxious Generation) — as a clinician, as a parent, as a human. It feels like it has infiltrated every single aspect of our lives and I’ve gotten to a place of deep resentment for the hold it has on me and our society as a whole.

I recently read Dopamine Kids by Michaeleen Doucleff where she compares gambling addiction to the same pathways in our brains that scroll and scroll and scroll. We don’t leave feeling good or better or more refreshed — we often leave feeling off, drained, (or broke.) Yet, because of the way our dopamine (motivation) system reacts, our brains are becoming wired to want more, more, more even when we know it doesn’t feel good anymore, even after we’ve been scrolling for 3 hours and it is midnight. We just can’t stop.

Now, gambling is certainly an intense example, we’re likely not losing all our money by gambling on instagram, tiktok or X scrolling BUT we are rewiring our dopamine feedback systems - creating desire for quicker hits, lowering our attention spans and decreasing our ability to feel satisfied. According to Doucleff, social media and screens are doing the similar damage to our brains and dopamine receptors as if we were playing a slot machine all night long. Yikes.

I wrote recently about my hypothesis that the increase of mommy social media figures is likely equated to the increase in maternal anxiety over the last decade. I know that sounds very intense — but social media is a comparison and affirmation machine, and we know that comparison and the desire for affirmation/likes etc. is a key driver in the increase in anxiety and depression in our society (especially in teen girls using social media.)

Working with mothers all week long, I hear the things that stick with them from their scrolling — the fancy vacation that person took, the dress they were influenced to buy, the activity that person did with their kids, the way that body looked postpartum — and, ironically, the social media influencers who talk about how little screen time and processed foods their children have. Some of it is surely lovely, aspirational, fun to witness - and a lot of it seeps into the porous nature of our psyche.

About 6 months ago, I left instagram after a long on again, off again relationship — it was clear I was totally addicted and spending way too many hours on my phone scrolling into the abyss.

I knew it had crossed over into deeply unhelpful (and unhealthy) territory when nearly half my posts were about lymphatic drainage, anti-aging and oral GLP-1s. I was no longer seeing my friends or their life updates, but being fed a constant barrage of things I needed to do better as a parent, things I needed to buy and ways my diet/workouts/health could be optimized. I found myself seriously considering a lymphatic vibration plate because why not? ‘twas time to go.

More recently, I’ve been thinking about what this newsletter platform could be. I started playing around on Substack — reading that the “notes” section was a great way to build more of a following, increase subscribers, etc. At first it felt like a fun throwback to the early days of the internet. Lots of lovely creatives, mothers finding their voice as they raise their kids, no direct advertising (thank goodness), beautiful art and poems and pinterest-y vibes — I was feeling inspired! And, then, sneakily… I started noticing that pesky comparison bug.

How does her substack have such a big following? How is everyone making these gorgeous collages? Why didn’t this post get any traction? How do all these substack therapists find the perfect little sound bites to describe these huge concepts? and wait, should I buy these viral pants that everyone is talking about?!

I came back to Doucleff’s hypothesis - that while the content and the visuals and the likes and random interactions with strangers felt good and fun, I was really just engaging with (another) social media platform that left me feeling insecure, unsatisfied, and scrolling for longer than I’d like in any given day.

I had been telling myself that interacting with the “notes feed” was a necessary part of growing my newsletter - this is what it might take to build a larger readership on this platform. And, that is likely still true. But at what cost?

I’m sharing my experience (at this moment - it is fluid and ever changing!) to normalize that social media is powerful, sneaky and complicated. There are a lot of amazing benefits to building an online presence, fostering community, creating meaningful art and work etc. but we have to continue asking at what cost to our mental health?

For me, right now - writing this newsletter is deeply fulfilling and joyful. I don’t want to stop writing and I don’t have the emotionally ability to interact with the social media component of Substack. I’m holding the reality of both truths and navigating the impact of that decision on my readership and the growth of this community.

If you are grappling with your social media use, here are some questions to begin to ask yourself as you create increased awareness around your usage (if you’d like!):

• Check in with yourself before you open an app —

  • how are you feeling?

  • did you intentionally open the app you’re scrolling through?

  • what is your hope - to find something specific (book rec? recipe?) or to zone out for a bit? No judgement - just check in.

• While you’re in there —

  • what kind of content is your algorithm giving you?

  • can you mute or unfollow anyone/anything that makes you feel negatively towards yourself?

  • what do you notice about your attention and what content you’re gravitating towards?

  • are you being told you need to buy something, change something or fix something about your body or appearance?

  • how is the news about the world being absorbed?

  • are you idolizing someones online presence? — what about this picture looks appealing / aspirational to you?

• Post game check in —

  • close your app and do a quick check in; how do you feel?

  • Do you feel a heightened sense of despair, anxiety, joy? What emotions can you name?

  • How long were you on your app/scrolling?

  • What was one takeaway from what you saw/read?

  • what stories, beliefs, narratives came up for you?

These questions and prompts are meant to be an invitation to get more curious with how social media is impacting you — bringing the unconscious to the surface and examining our behaviors. (I’m right there with you in this messy process.)

Thank you, as always for reading - it means so much to me. If it resonated, please share with someone and have a chat about it! That would be the best.

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with gratitude,

Sasha

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Today’s last installment is a mish mosh of ways I’m thinking about my home systems and mental health in this season of mom-ing and my most favorite mom/maternal health resources.

(I don't know about you but hearing about other parents systems is akin (for me) to the 90s what’s in your bag? trend. Like, I want to know everything about how people are doing this - what are your systems, hacks, supports!)

1. Activities - weekends blocked!

Recently, I got the upcoming schedule for kids dance classes. My daughter loves this studio but we learned that the next level of ballet only has classes Friday nights (5 p) Saturday mornings (10 am) or Sunday mornings (11 am.)

For our family, none of those times work. We celebrate Shabbat on Friday evenings, have a block on Saturday mornings so our family can regroup and be together and my kids go to Hebrew school on Sundays (which is a non negotiable, although I’m sure my kids would choose ballet instead if they could.)

I’m (mostly) happy to schlep around like an uber driver during the week for my kids’ activities but weekends are for family time and I’m not willing to budge. The unstructured quality time (and religious traditions) are too important to us, so, unfortunately, no ballet. (Hip hop is on Tuesdays, she’ll be fine.)

I sat down with my oldest to break the news and explain my reasoning, and surprisingly, she totally understood and took it in stride.

2. No (well, very few) birthday parties

I’ve recently taken a page out of Emily Oster’s policy - and made a new policy that we don’t go to birthday parties unless it is for one of my kid’s very, very close friends.

This makes me sound like a true witch, I know. But hear me out — three kids, three classes of friends, and one weekend. We often have invitations to 2-3 birthday parties a weekend… and it’s just too much. Our whole weekend was becoming a shuttle between parties and they came home like sugared out monsters or the five us were separated all weekend at various separate events. No bueno.

If one of my kids has a very close friend, we will of course try to make it happen, but I’m no longer driving an hour to Chuck E. Cheese in the suburbs for a birthday party. Perhaps I’m a mean mommy (and I know there are a lot of downsides to this family policy esp. for the birthday kid etc. etc.) but saying no has made our weekends much less chaotic and my kids don’t really realize that they’re missing anything (more applicable to my younger ones.)

3. Chore Chart!

I’m realizing that when my kid’s want something (and I’m not around) they are fully capable of doing it. I have seen my two year old move a stool like a ninja and climb to the freezer to get ice and fill his own cup. He’s fully capable. And yet, if I’m around — I am still stepping in to do all the tasks like a chicken with my head cut off. It’s partially my own doing, I have created the monster — and, I’m working to step back now that my kids are a little older.

So, we’re working on some new household skills both for my sake but also for theirs. Giving them more responsibility, and more confidence. We created a new chore chart this weekend — giving my oldest 3 chores, my middle has 2, and my youngest 1. Talking to them about their responsibilities, working to help them build their confidence and hopefully, gaining a little more autonomy for them (and less work for me.)

(I also made a deal with my oldest daughter that if she walks the dog before school, she can earn herself a Tin Can phone for next year. Never has there been a greater motivator.)

4. Book the babysitter(s)

Find a babysitter you love. Then another and another. You will need the names and numbers of many people — because they will never all be available at the same time. Give yourself this gift — do not go another month, another year without trusted help and without prioritizing a night with your girlfriends or your partner.

One of my biggest pet peeves is parents who never use a babysitter. (Of course, there are financial constraints - absolutely get it and I’ve been there. And there are ways to ask your community to support you without having to pay someone!)

But if you’re able — I just want to shout from the rooftops: It’s good for your kids to see you go out without them!! They are not supposed to be the center of your universe 24/7!! It’s cool to see you get dressed up and go out!! It’s great for them to understand they can trust other adults!!!

Grown ups come back!! (to the tune of Daniel Tiger, iykyk)

5. Therapy

45 minutes every week where I get to word vomit all over my therapist. I get to be the client, the mom, the wife, the friend, the daughter and sister - the flawed and in progress human — not the therapist on the other side. Hugely important for my mentals.

6. Real time parenting help

This past year was a challenging one for one of my kids specifically. There were behaviors that I didn’t feel confident managing, and medical challenges that felt overwhelming. I felt totally out of my element.

In a moment of overwhelm and panic I downloaded Doctor Becky’s Good Inside App and entered all the areas of uncertainty/challenging behaviors with my child. It created a set of working playbooks specific to her/us. I don’t use it every day, but in moments of quiet I can pull from it or go through a new collection to get more information. Feels a little like an on demand support system.

I also love her book, Good Inside, if you are interested in her approach. (She has a very similar therapeutic orientation to mine, focusing on Internal Family Systems work and Attachment Theory. Big fan!)

7. Currently Reading

I’m currently reading Michaeleen Doucleff’s new book, Dopamine Kids. Author of beloved parenting book, Hunt, Gather, Parent, this is new book focuses on the impact of screens and ultra-processed foods on our kids (and our) brains and dopamine receptor systems. It’s both fascinating and terrifying and leading to some really exciting conversations in my household (more on that!)

8. Resources for Moms

I’m sure I’ve shared some of these in other newsletters but these are my favorite books for new moms / parents:

• What No One Tells You: A guide to your emotions from pregnancy to motherhood, Dr. Alexandra Sacks & Catherine Birndorf

• And Baby Makes Three, John & Julie Gottman

• Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts, Karen Kleiman

• What About Us?, Karen Kleiman

• I had a Miscarriage, Jessica Zucker

• Parents in Love, Rebecca Eudy

As always, thank you so much for reading — I’ve loved focusing especially on motherhood and mental health this month.

If you enjoy reading my newsletter, please share with someone you think would appreciate. It is so appreciated.

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with gratitude,

Sasha

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Sending you a big hug, for whatever part of that journey you are on.

One in four recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Someone you know, likely someone you love has experienced a pregnancy loss — and yet, many of us silently carry the pain of this experience.

You may know I have three children because you can see them. They are growing in front of our eyes — you likely don’t know that there was the promise of another, who never will join us earth side. It’s a silent, quiet grief - that lessens over time (& sometimes doesn’t.)

The loss stays within our hearts, our minds and sometimes, our bodies. Unfortunately, too many women have carried this silent grief as a secret and stigma for far too long. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage - and yet, so many women feel like they are the only person in the room who has ever known such an isolating, devastating loss.

If this is your story, I promise you are not alone.

Between my first and second children, there was another pregnancy. We were overjoyed to welcome another baby into our family - our then two year old was already sharing wishes of becoming an older sister and we were thrilled to have a positive test.

I immediately felt symptoms — sore breasts, nausea — all unpleasant but signs of a pregnancy! We began to tell family and friends, it was happening. Weeks went by and I still felt sick and tired, I thought it meant I was “in the clear.”

Then, one day, a routine exam … there was no heartbeat. There was no blood, no drama, no emergency, just… no heartbeat. What ensued was weeks of testing, confirmation, failed procedures and months of uncertainty.

I was in emotional agony. My heart was shattered. I felt the loss in my bones. I remember vividly collapsing in tears on my kitchen floor with the sheer grief of it all — my husband picked me up like a child and put me to bed. I was broken and he was utterly helpless.

I didn’t know anyone who had had a miscarriage. I felt completely alone. Was I broken? Had I done something to cause it? What happened? My rational brain knew I had done nothing wrong, but the intrusive questions would not cease.

When I did share the news with friends or family they were supportive and apologetic and, I still felt like a crazy person. I wasn’t pregnant that long… I shouldn’t take this so hard. There were way worse stories out there. Did everyone think I was over reacting? Why couldn’t I stop crying?

I felt SO grateful to have a friend who as soon as I had shared my news confided in me that she too had lost a pregnancy between her first and second children. Instantly, I felt less alone, less broken. She became my lifeline, my confidante — and since she got pregnant again, I used her story as a ray of hope. I held on with all of my might.

Anything and everything set me off — my 2 year old holding a baby doll; an episode of Daniel Tiger when he met his new sister, baby Margaret; or watching the pre scheduled pregnancy appointments on my calendar come and go. Each week that passed when I was no longer pregnant felt like a stab. Somehow there was now an invisible ticking time bomb that took over my brain. Every month that I wasn’t pregnant, I was miserable.

As soon as I was cleared, we started trying for another baby. I had been very lucky in getting pregnant quickly, so I hoped it would be the same. It was not. Month after month, with each period that came, I fell apart. I felt like a failure, like my body was broken and I had no way to know if it would fix itself. Would I ever be able to get pregnant again? I felt like I was failing my daughter by not giving her a sibling and failing my husband in our dreams for a big family. It was a mess.

My husband, an eternal optimist (god bless him) was sure it would be ok, and each month he would hold me while I cried and assure me we’d try again next month. He was sad for our loss - but his grief didn’t manifest like mine and it led me to feel isolated. We were living completely different experiences of this loss. Why was he so ok? How could he function or think about anything else? How did he have such confidence it would be ok?! I know during this time he felt helpless and sad and completely disconnected from me, too — I was a shell of myself.

It felt impossible during this time not to wallow in self pity and think to myself, “why me? why us?” … when, on my better days, I was able to say … “why not me?” I started to learn how common it really was and I started to think about the experience of women in my shoes from a more clinical lens. Maybe this experience could be helpful to someone, one day?

I remember at Thanksgiving that year I shared the news (after the dreaded question — when are you having another baby?! … side note, let’s stop asking women that!) and I said, well, I just had a miscarriage so I don’t know…. it was quiet and then she (an older aunt) said, oh I had a few miscarriages too.

Turns out… there has always been pregnancy loss — and we just never talked about it. It was either stigmatized, secret, shameful - or for some, just private. Older women stop talking about their losses after a time, so younger women never hear about them… But, slowly, slowly the more I opened up about it with friends, with family, the more stories came out. I wasn’t alone - not in the slightest. We were all just in our little silos of grief.

My story is ultimately a happy one — after many months of trying, I did get a positive pregnancy test. I was able to carry that pregnancy to term and my second daughter was born. She knows she is our “rainbow baby” and from an early age, I shared with my children about the baby in my belly that never came to be. I never want them to experience this and think they are alone and maybe, this story will help to hold them through an unthinkable moment in their lives.

I know I am insanely lucky to tell this story from the vantage point of healthy children and multiple pregnancies later. I know there are many, many, many women who experience loss after loss, and/or who never have the chance to experience motherhood the way they imagined. My heart is with you, on whatever part of this path you are walking.

What I will say is that loss is personal — whether you carried a pregnancy for 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months (or, you didn’t carry at all!)— whether you miscarried or had medical complications or chose to terminate for whatever personal reason, that is still loss and your grief journey is yours. There is no one who can tell you how you are supposed to feel - and when you are supposed to feel “better.”

I have worked with women who have moved through miscarriage with resiliency that is other worldly, and some women, like myself, where the loss shattered them in pieces. There is no wrong way to move through — just be gentle with yourself, seek support and take your time. You do not have to carry to load on your own.

Two of my favorite miscarriage resources are I had a Miscarriage and To Tend and To Hold.

As always, thank you for reading - today is an especially tender topic and I hope this story can be what you need (or you can share with someone else who needs!) … hearing you are not alone is invaluable.

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with gratitude,

Sasha

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I spend a lot of time thinking about motherhood. The vast majority of my clients are mothers (& fathers), I myself am a mother, and at this point, most of my friends and peers are also parents. The topic of motherhood (and all it entails) is both an emotional and sociological obsession of mine.1

I sit with women in their most vulnerable moments postpartum - I sit with them months later, years later — most of them are still exploring their new identity as mothers and grappling with what the world (their careers, children, households, partners) seemingly demand of them.

What I know is that many of us are drowning.

Physically, we have been altered — our bodies no longer look the same and no longer feel the same. Our sex drives are wonky at best, and we feel the pressure to “lose the baby weight” or to find some sort of “return” to what once was. Is the brain fog hormonal or is it sleep deprivation? Or is it perimenopause? No one knows… and there is no research for us, either.

Professionally, we’re in uncharted territory. We’re expected to work like we don’t have children, and expected to parent like we don’t have jobs. in 1950, only 7% of married women with children worked outside the home; the home and the children were their domain.2 Now, over 70% of married women with children are in the workforce — (but the demands within the home haven’t appropriately shifted.) Even those of us who have the privilege of flexibility in our careers — we constantly feel like we’re only able to perform at a mediocre level at both work and/or parenting. If we work outside the home we will inevitably miss chaperoning the field trip, and if we choose (and are able) to become stay at home parents, we are judged for giving up our careers and we’ll get “what does she do all day?” behind our backs. It’s a lose lose proposition.

And our homes. Oh boy, where to start. Women are both working AND parenting more than we ever have. Employed mothers spend an average of 12.5 hours per week on active childcare and 13.2 hours on housework'; that is 2.2 times the amount of time on housework and childcare compared to men.3

In a 2024 study conducted by Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play and USC they determined that women are responsible for the cognitive labor of 29 out of 30 household tasks, and responsible for the physical labor of 28 out of 30. Basically, outside of taking out the trash - women are doing it all at home. (I know, this isn’t true for everyone but the numbers are pretty shocking.)

And, the internet. Obviously, great for many (many) things — but have you spent some time on there? I could write a year’s worth of newsletters on both the allure and danger of internet mom comparison. We see a tiny (staged) snapshot of another mother’s (curated) life and our brain automatically begins to compare — our clothes, our bodies, our vacations with our kids, the art projects they make, the activities they plan etc etc. It looks picturesque and something about it feels aspirational.

Just as we know social media has negative outcomes for mental health in teens (especially young girls!), I believe the pressure of being the “perfect mother” (whatever the algorithm knows that means to you) is enough to create a very real mental health crisis in parents. I would love for someone to do the research but my hunch is that there is a strong correlation between the rise in maternal anxiety and the presence of “pinterest moms”/trad wives/mom culture on social media.

One of the biggest tolls that I spend much of my clinical practice focusing on is the toll on our marriages.4 Imagine one member of a couple is experiencing some or all of the above changes (body, hormones, professional shifts, increased labor at home) and their partner is only tapped into some of those things. They may have their own set of transitions and changes, too. It’s ripe for disconnection and, over time without understanding, distance and resentment.

If you are a non birthing partner and reading this - firstly, thank you. Trying to understand the motherhood experience is truly so important. If you are a mother and this resonates, send it to your partner and have a discussion.

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Secondly, please read today’s newsletter as a calling in, not as a calling out. The demands on your partner/wife are enormous and she is likely under water in at least some realm of life.

Explore with curiosity what her experience is like right now -

• what parts of these topics does she identify with?

• What aspects feel ok to her?

• What are the most stressful?

• what is her favorite part of motherhood?

• what is her least favorite aspect of motherhood?

• what household chore is the one she dreads the most?

Can you sit in this moment of exploration without defensiveness, without excuses or explanations but with curiosity and empathy for a uniquely different experience in parenthood than your own?

As always, thank you for reading.

Next week will be focused on pregnancy loss and miscarriage. Please take gentle care with this topic.

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with gratitude,

Sasha

I sit with couples every week who are on some path towards this moment; they are either desperately trying to become pregnant, currently pregnant or in the throws of new parenthood (or maybe welcoming a second child). They are all on their own unique and winding journeys of matrescence (and patrescence).

For those of you preparing to become parents (at whatever stage!) here are a few things I wish I had known, or done beforehand and/or in the early days!

To be clear, it is likely you will not need all of these layers of support; this list is compiled after many years and multiple children, so some suggestions may fit well for your family/experience, and some may not. Take what works, and if this is still down the road for you, keep this list handy for a future date!

1. Print a list of PMAD symptoms (Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders) and put it on your bathroom mirror. Give another copy to your partner or support person and ask them to keep an eye on you. They might notice you are struggling before you are.

2. Create a relationship with a therapist. I recommend having a connection prior to the moment you need it so there is already a working relationship and the therapy can act as a protective factor against PMADs.

   1. You can find a therapist through Psychology Today (search by zip code or speciality) or

   2. if you want a therapist who specializes in Postpartum and Perinatal work, Postpartum Support International has it’s own directory of PMH-C therapists (those specifically trained and certified in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders! like me!)

3. Get the name of a lactaction consultant - just to have on hand. Take it from me, cold calling a LC at 7 am in a full panic is not cute. They are angel heaven sent people that may just save your breasts and help you to feed your baby; do not underestimate their wisdom.

4. Ask someone to set up a meal train for your family. To me, this is a no brainer and I’m always surprised at how many people do not do it. It’s a win win - you and your family get fed AND it makes people feel good to step up and help you. Asking for help actually builds community and this is one of those opportunities that feels so special and bonding (and truly, thinking about cooking all your meals PP is a no go.)

5. Talk to your partner about who will be your support people in the first weeks home - family, grandparents, siblings, friends or a doula? Make a plan so you’re not going in blind and you can clearly communicate to your family members the expectations and schedule.

   1. Another rule of thumb - there are no visitors, only helpers. Every one who comes into your home must do a job to help you. They do not get to come over and hold your baby (unless you want them to.) They need to take the dog for a walk, unload the dishwasher, fold your laundry. Give you time to shower.

   2. If people do come over, please put a sign on your bedroom door that you would like privacy and do not want visitors. This creates a safe space for you to retreat with baby if you become overstimulated or the house becomes frenzied. No questions asked.

6. Create a middle of the night schedule with your partner. This may take a few weeks to get right, to be clear, but no one wants to fight about whose turn it is at 2 am. Recipe for disaster.

   1. I remember once we realized that I was better in the middle of the night, while my husband could do the very early morning shifts, it was MUCH easier to divide and conquer.

   2. Granted, if one partner is exclusively nursing, then the support partner may not be able to get up and feed the baby, but can show support in other ways (sitting with them, bringing snacks to mom, filling the water bottle, doing all the diaper changes and putting baby back down after eating etc.)

   3. [If you are financially able and plan to do this:] interview and schedule a night nurse. Create a relationship well before the baby arrives so the first time they come to support you, is not the first time you are meeting them. It will not be a relaxing night, trust me.

7. Try to either shower and/or get outside, every day. This is probably obvious, but very easy to forget/avoid. It makes the world of difference.

8. What are you doing while you’re nursing/feeding? This is a sneaky one — especially because in the early days, it can feel like your entire day… and then you get that screen time notification that you’ve been on your phone scrolling for 10 hours. Yep.

   1. Of course, it’s fine and normal to be on your phone during these weird quiet hours of postpartum, but think intentionally about giving your phone a break and filling time in other ways.

   2. Books on audio were my savior during the early days and nights. Listening to a story helps to pass the middle of the night hours, and the endless nursing moments without having to look at a screen.

   3. Do a puzzle, phone a friend - figure out something that would bring you and your nervous system a little more peace vs. doom scrolling or playing the instagram comparison game all day long while you’re trapped at home in a diaper. Not good for anyone, trust me.

9. Go on a date with your partner.

   1. Bring the baby in a carrier or leave them home with someone you trust. Whatever you feel comfortable with, but try to get out of the house, wear some outside clothes, share a meal and look at your partner’s face. It will likely be at 5 pm, and that’s ok.

10. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF and don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is ok to not be ok.

    You’ve never done this before. It is ALL NEW. You are going to be great. You are doing great. One day at a time.

Next week, talking more candidly about the impact on our mental health when we engage with the comparative culture of parenting in this hyper connected, hyper vigilant and internet obsessed age of parenting :) fun, right?

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As always, thank you so much for reading.

with gratitude,

Sasha

Today’s newsletter is a little about my experience as a first time mom - moving through the unknowns of a new identity and struggling with postpartum depression & anxiety. If you feel this would be triggering for you, or you are currently on a fertility journey, please take gentle care and/or feel free to skip. Sending you my love.

I was a relatively young first time mom — not young in most circles surely, but young (and the first by many years) amongst my peers. I was lucky to meet my husband early in life and we knew pretty quickly that we would get married. We wanted to start building our family. He had grown up with young parents, and I had always dreamed about becoming a mother. I had felt this overwhelming desire to become pregnant and did not want to wait — it all sounded so dreamy. We were young, very much in love, and felt like the rest of it would sort itself out (you know - careers, finances, childcare, where we would move etc.)

Looking back, I do feel so grateful for how it turned out (my oldest is 8 now and she’s one of my favorite people around) — but I also have so much tenderness towards that green, first time mom who was so deeply isolated and unknowingly depressed and anxious in that first year(+) of motherhood.

Motherhood is in itself a rollercoaster. A friend once called it “a fifty headed emotional beast” because it can be both stunning, awe filled and also, wholly brutal and exhausting. You can love your child with your whole being, and miss the freedom of your old life. You can be thrilled to become a parent and be actively grieving your freedom. It’s both/and on steroids.

So, with that said, there is nothing quite like the high (and terror?) of bringing that first baby home (we were so lucky to have an easy delivery and healthy baby!) The first weeks were both grueling (and so quiet and sweet.)

As a new mom with basically no friends who were also moms (with the exception of one woman who became my lifeline!! hi Car!) I felt like a true pioneer. I had to learn how to breast feed when my breasts felt like they were going to explode (resulting in an urgent 7 am phone call to a lactation consultant). I learned that you nurse every 2-3 hours, start to start / not start to end (iykyk.) I didn’t know that my stitches would pop when I tried to walk my dog a week postpartum (just wanted some semblance of my old routine!) or that the baby had a witching hour, but it changed every few days so there was no way to predict it! It was high highs and low lows and I didn’t think I would survive without sleeping night after night, yet somehow I did?

Everyone told me that the moment the baby arrives earth side your heart explodes. Well, mine didn’t? I knew she was mine to care for and protect and feed… but I didn’t feel instant love. Was something wrong? I asked my husband and he reassured me that maybe it would take time, as most love does. (Of course, he was right, AND I envied the mothers who fell in love with fireworks the moment they held their babies.)

We were lucky and privileged by so many measures, and, we didn’t have the professional or financial flexibility to take much time off; my husband returned to work one week after I delivered (wfh, thankfully!) and I found myself at home with a new baby, without my family nearby and a little untethered by this new reality.

Some days I was able to nurse and feed myself and maybe put on some clean clothes, some days, I would look up and it was 4 pm. At 8 weeks postpartum I called my boss at the time and asked if I could cut my maternity leave short by a few weeks. I was simultaneously bored and over stimulated; I wanted to get back to work, back to routine, my clients, a part of my life before I became a full time milk cow/ mom.

The first day we brought her to daycare, the sweet teacher (who had been caring for newborns for 40 years!) tried to assuage my fears and wondered if I was going to be ok. I looked at her and thought, ok? I am THRILLED to have a break. She is probably in better hands with you than with me. Then I realized that some mothers have a hard time separating from their babies. Perhaps I had missed a part of that parenting brief, but I was just so dang happy to get a break. What was normal?

In the first year, I tried my best to do the things I thought were what good moms do - I signed her up for a baby music class and a play group - I brought her to the playground and read a million and a half books. There were moments of sweetness and joy and love, and also a lot more boredom and unfulfilling moments than I expected. I was lonely, and none of my friends from my ‘old life’ (although lovely and supportive!) could understand the reality of my new world.

I think the hardest part about all of it for me was that I had always wanted to be a mom. I believed it was going to bring me the greatest joy and now that I was one, I felt entirely disillusioned and overwhelmed. The relentlessness of it, the loneliness, the exhaustion. Again, it was smattered with joy and cuddles and sweetness… but it was far harder (and more emotional) than I expected.

It wasn’t until her first birthday (one year!) that I realized, wait a second, maybe I am not as ok as I thought. I was functioning, I was working, I loved my baby - everything on paper was good. When people saw us, we were “thriving.” But, maybe it wasn’t totally normal to cry at the drop of a hat? Or to sob my eyes out with every childrens’ book I read to her that had some beautiful message (all of them)? Maybe it wasn’t normal to wake up in a cold sweat because (in my nightmare) I saw my baby tumble into a tiger den at the zoo? Apparently that is not the experience all mothers have.

It took some time and reengaging with therapy to sort through the mess of the experience - and to acknowledge that I was, in fact, struggling with Postpartum depression and anxiety. It felt both obvious and so humbling that as a mental health professional myself, I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. It was subtle and sneaky … and, over time (with work!), I realized the fog was lifting, and maybe my head was finally above the water line (without knowing it hadn’t been?)

I share my story to normalize. We thankfully live in a time when postpartum mood disorders are far more accepted, diagnosed and discussed than our parents generation. We are so lucky to have names for this experience and therapists (and medications!) to help people through.

One in five mothers are impacted by a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder (and 1 in 10 dads!). It is the single greatest complication from pregnancy and childbirth. And, it can still knock you (me) on your ass out of nowhere. If this was you, or is you — please know, you are not alone.

Psychiatrist Dr. Alexandra Sacks coined the term - Matrescence. It is the becoming of a mother. Just like Adolescence - the becoming of a teenager, we desperately need a term for the seismic identity/body/mind transformation that is motherhood.

I look back on the early years of motherhood and now realize, with tenderness, my matrescence was coming into bloom (with a nice side of PP depression and anxiety). It took time, pain and growth - and required nearly every aspect of my life, marriage, friendships, job, body and family to change.

Next week, I’m sharing ten things I recommend you do before you give birth and in the early days of postpartum. Things I wish I had done!!! (and what helped me the next times around.) And later this month, I will share more about the topic of pregnancy loss.

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Thanks for reading, and being here.

with gratitude,

Sasha

This is perhaps a more personal and vulnerable newsletter than my normal “content” — but my hope is that, in sharing, it will shed some light on the very normal ebb and flow of intimacy in long term relationships AND give some ideas for how to navigate these harder moments with your partner.

[Side bar: I want to be mindful that as a therapist, I work to be really intentional with any self disclosures that happen in my sessions… and, in this substack space I’m inhabiting some bizarre and semi public cross section of human/mother/wife/daughter and therapist.

If I am, in fact, your therapist (hi!) this will feel like a more personal window into my life and relationships at the moment, and perhaps there will be more for us to process in our time together.

If you’re a reader (hi!) then you likely won’t have any qualms about more personal writing, and in fact, these examples may feel even more juicy and resonant. At least, that’s the hope.

ok, onwards.]

Over the past month or two my husband and I have been struggling. Not in our relationship, per say, but feeling like both of us were underwater and instead of helping to pull each other up for air, we were just flailing out on our own islands. Unfortunately, one casualty of this was our connection.

The details aren’t particularly unique to us — we were hit with a series of family viruses that took us down for weeks on end, work travel that disrupted the routine, stressors with our kids, and each of us are navigating personal challenges that have taken up a lot of mental bandwidth — You get the idea; it has felt like a heavy chapter for lots of compounding reasons, not necessarily one clear factor and not explicitly due to one another.

Normally, we operate at a pretty high baseline — we’ve worked for many years on building a deep foundation of trust and team work (and friendship!) — that can withstand the hard moments. We put the time in to connect both as a family and a couple - and have prioritized our marriage in so many chapters of our lives and careers. It’s a great marriage (if I do say so myself!) and usually, things feel easy between us. And, because of this, it was super unsettling for us to feel disconnected.

Read more

So very grateful to be taking this week off with my family — especially while my kiddos are little (and they still want to hang out!)

A few relationship & family thoughts as we’ve been prepping to head out —

Talk about your expectations for the trip.

• What kind of vision did you have?

• How does it match your partner’s?

• Will you have time to relax, or is this all hands on deck?

• What’s the focus or goal of the trip for you?

• What are your concerns?

Take some pressure off

For me, traveling with kids is about trade offs. I’m asking them to step out of their comfort zone / be pushed with long flights and they are still too young to have any other perspectives.

• ipad time during travel is very different from our rules at home. They’re allowed to veg out a bit, too.

• figure out your non negotiables (maybe table manners?) but let some other things slide (maybe they eat plain pasta all week?) You can’t fight every battle or have everything be a top priority, so choose yours and stick with those.

Schedule some time for yourself & as a couple.

If you’re able - can each of you take some time for yourselves? Whether that is a workout, a massage, or just a few hours uninterrupted / not on kid duty?

A major bonus (and total luxury) - your hotel might have a kids club or babysitters, that would allow you a date night or a few hours during the day to be a couple, not parents. Take that time.

Same team mantra.

There will undoubtedly be some stress, some travel hiccups, some meltdowns… start the trip with a big hug and a same team mantra.

You are both doing your best, and traveling with tiny humans can be very taxing. Be gentle with yourself, your kids and each other.

I’ve written more on this topic, here with more prompts, if this is helpful to you!

Back next week!

with gratitude,

Sasha

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Seeing someone you love in pain is potentially one of the worst things in the world. Whether it’s your partner, struggling through a hard moment or your child, navigating one of life’s pivotal moments… it sucks to be on the sidelines watching the hurt.

I work with couples who, when they share something they’re going through (or go to vent about something tough, or share a hurt), they tend to feel unseen, unheard and/or minimized. 9 out of 10 times it is not because their partner is trying to diminish the situation or minimize their feelings. More often, their partner is trying to problem solve or offer an optimistic spin on the situation. They are trying to take away the pain.

I have talked about The Gift of Imperfect Parenting by Brené Brown multiple times in this newsletter — in it, she shares a piece of wisdom on this topic that has stuck with me for almost a decade.

Here it is:

When your child (or anyone you love) comes to you in pain — imagine they are sitting alone in the dark. Maybe they’re navigating friendships, bullying, heartbreak (insert topic here) - but you know they are struggling. It physically causes you pain to see them in pain and by them sharing, they’ve asked you to come into the dark room with them.

All you want to do is turn on the light in this dark, lonely room. Yes for them, but also, for you. Sitting in the dark is uncomfortable, messy and painful. We don’t like it for ourselves, let alone for the people we love.

We offer ways to minimize the pain; to say how much better off they are without those friends, to offer a come back or a way to fix the problem… we want to solve and make them feel better. We want to turn on the light - not just because we want someone we love to feel better, but because we hate feeling helpless.

If I were to go to my partner and say, “I have the worst migraine. I’m just miserable.”

How do I want him to respond?

I don’t want him to remind me that I probably looked at a screen too long (explanation) or tell me take my migraine medication and get in bed (solution)… I don’t need him to fix it. In fact, he can’t, nor do I expect him to.

So, why tell him?

I share with him, not because I expect him to “turn on the light” and solve the problem but because I want him to empathize, sympathize and to understand, why I am acting/feeling the way I am.

I think about this Brené Brown anecdote all the time - as a parent, partner, friend, therapist… how often, because of my own discomfort, am I turning on someone else’s light? And, if I do - I’m taking away their chance to build distress tolerance and resiliency.

In these moments, our job is to be present with our people; to listen, to be curious, to honor their experience with validation. Once your child/partner feels held, heard and safe - they will turn the light on for themselves. And that, in my opinion, is the greatest gift we can give.

[A perfect children’s book to highlight this is, The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld. It is one of my favorites!]

An invitation to try to sit in the dark with your people, without turning on the lights.

As always, thank you for reading.

with gratitude,

Sasha

Love languages have earned their time in the spotlight — a relational self-help book written by Gary Chapman in the early 1990s, The Five Love Languages is now part of our regular vernacular. (If you’ve subscribed to this relational therapy newsletter, it is very likely you are quite familiar with the love languages concept.)

In the last decade of my clinical work — it’s amazing to see how the concept has become mainstream; now, couples more often than not come into therapy already having identified their love languages and use it to help explain a tension point in their dynamic.

While couples in therapy tend to require more than just insight around their love languages (people can usually explore this on their own), helping couples understand both how they and their partner feel most loved is imperative to building a positive foundation alongside what can be the harder and more complicated therapeutic work.

The Five Love Languages is a simple concept - but I find, not as easy to implement as many would hope. Simple, not easy.

In today’s newsletter — I’ll give a quick refresher on love languages, including some personal examples, and I’ll share the two traps that I see so many of my couples fall into as they work to show their partner’s love.

The Five Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation

   1. sometimes, the words are as simple as “thank you” or “I love you” - often, this is a person who wants to be seen for who they are and what they do.

   2. words of affirmation can also be declarations of love, praise (private or public), encouragement and verbal support.

   3. personal example: I joke that my husband is Slow Magic’s biggest hype man. He is the first person to talk about this newsletter to his friends and colleagues - encouraging them to subscribe and sharing how amazing this resource is for couples and parents. (Thanks honey!) His words of affirmation/ encouragement/public praise - make me feel loved.

2. Acts of Service

   1. a cup of coffee in the morning, filling up the car with gas, planning the date night; acts of service are the quiet ways someone can show and receive love, without words.

   2. I have a long time male client who is not overly “emotional” (his words) — but the way he shows love is through acts of service; he takes care of his people, less with verbal declarations of love or emotion, but with consistent actions. He will always make his partner a cup of coffee in the morning, buy flowers for special occasions, reach out to her family for their birthdays, make time for her to do the things she loves etc.

   3. this is the love language that I see so many parents step into in the early years of parenthood; and sometimes, the way to feel most loved is for someone to take that dreaded “task” off your list and do it for you because they know you hate it. (those dirty pump parts… iykyk)

   4. personal example: my husband recently pulled his back out from a long flight and was in pain for days; while he was trying to move through it and stretch etc. I immediately booked him a long massage and sent him off during a stretch of weekend chaos. (yes, yes, wife of the year! go me! ;)) [remember this example, more on this in a moment!]

3. Quality Time

   1. for some people this is merely sitting on the couch watching tv together and snuggling with nothing on the agenda while for some people this is intentionally doing a certain activity or stepping out of the daily grind for a shared adventure.

   2. Quality time could be the 20 minutes of quiet time together drinking coffee before your kids wake up, or the 10 minutes of pillow talk before bed — just as it can be a date night or hike or longer vacation.

4. Physical Touch

   1. people often forget that physical touch is a spectrum — it’s not just the amount you have intercourse (though that is certainly a major point of connection for many people), but also hand holding, hugs, cuddling and kissing.

   2. someone who has physical touch as a top love language isn’t necessarily overly touchy or PDA packed - but the moments they are touched (hug, kiss, intimacy etc.) are often when they feel the most cared for, safe and loved by their partner.

5. Gifts

   1. ok, I think gifts gets a bad rap. Yes, this could be someone who wants a gift to mark occasions, or feels loved when there is a package to unwrap — but it is often that they feel loved when they see the thought that went into the gift. They feel seen and loved with the presence of a present.

   2. personal example: my MIL is a gift giver. Every time she sees my kids she comes with a suitcase of gifts for them, and I know she gets incredible pleasure out of seeing their faces light up with excitement. AND, I know, she feels the most loved through gifts herself. After a few years of bungling it (because gifts aren’t my first love language), I realized how important it was to get her a thoughtful gift for her birthday, mothers day, and holidays. It is how she feels most loved.

OK - so that is the refresher on love languages. Hopefully while reading you were able to identify with a few of these and feel some clarity on the ways you want to feel most loved.

If you feel a little lost there is quiz online you can take to help give more clarity!

Now, let’s talk about the two main traps I see when talking about love languages with couples.

Trap 1:

The first (more obvious) one is that we are giving the love we want to receive and then wondering why our partner’s don’t feel our love (when the effort is there!)

Remember the example I shared about my husband’s back? I am a hero for scheduling him a massage and gifting him a free child free afternoon to heal. So nice, so thoughtful.

Well, guess what my top love language is? Yep. Acts of Service. (well, tied with words of affirmation, but I’ve never claimed to be a low maintenance partner!)

Did my husband enjoy the massage? Yes. Did he express his gratitude? Of course. Did he feel cared for and loved by me - yes! But did I actually hit his main receptors for love language… no. Why? His top love language is quality time. I gave him the love language I value most!

Now, I could absolutely sit here and say, look at what I did to make that happen (money, time, childcare solo) - why don’t you feel so loved?! … but that misses the point. The trap is that despite the effort or sacrifice on my end, I was still speaking my language, not his.

To be clear, I’m not saying we should only show love in one way - I think it should be our goal to give all of the love languages in some way, every day. But when we’re thinking about intentional love and care for our partner’s we need to be mindful that we’re often slipping into our own “language” instead of working to become fluent in our partner’s.

Trap 2:

This is a sneakier trap — and it often gets parents.

Very, very (very) often I talk to couples about the ways they are showing love and feeling loved in their relationship. When we get into the nitty gritty of those details - it is clear to me that so much of the effort given to show love is actually family and household love. Not romantic, specifically for your partner, love.

Some clinical examples to further explain —

I have a couple where one partner shows love with acts of service. She is a doer- and often, the ways she shows her love is by meal prepping for their week (to take pressure off them!), cooking dinner (to feed them!) or cleaning the house (everyone loves a clean house!). All of these things are great, helpful, and necessary. AND, she and her partner continue to get stuck.

Now, its not the reason you would think. You may be saying, well of course, her partner’s love language is not acts of service — she probably is falling into trap 1! … yes (that’s true) AND, this would be a trap even if her partner’s love language was acts of service.

So often we’re doing things for our partner’s - but they are really things we already have to do for our homes and families. Making dinner is something that has to happen — it’s lovely and wonderful to cook for your partner/family but let’s make a distinction:

• I cooked dinner for my family using a quick weeknight recipe. I got it on the table after a full work day and made sure everyone was fed. Amazing. Nurturing for everyone, including me!

• I spent time researching a recipe from my husband’s favorite cuisine - I worked to make it a special meal because I know HE loves this dish. This distinguishes between taking an everyday task off my partner’s list and turning that same task into an intentional act of love for him.

• ^looks the same on paper, but feels realllllly different as the recipient.

When I talk about love languages with couples it can be small everyday things - of course. Making dinner, cleaning the house, taking over bedtime so your partner has the night off - all loving. AND, especially for parents I want to encourage us to separate domestic acts of love with romantic acts of love.

It is so easy to fall into the trap of giving, giving, giving at home and then having nothing left to give in the romantic sphere. If we consider our daily tasks as love languages to our partner, we’re losing the opportunity to center them as our romantic partner sometimes, too.

Prompts for you!

• What is your love language? Do you know and understand the ins and outs? Do you have memories or moments you can use to highlight for your partner?

• What is your partner’s love language? Do you know the ins and outs of their experience?

• Find one new way to show your partner love, this week.

• Notice the ways that you show love to your family and household and ask yourself, what did I tell myself about this act?

• Notice the ways you show love, specifically to your romantic partner. Explore how that lands, and if there are opportunities to build in.

As always, thank you for reading along —

with gratitude,

Sasha

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If you know me, you know I am always reading 2-3 books at a time. Listening to one on audiobook (usually a fantasy or romance), one at my desk (a therapy related something) and one on my night table (fiction). Nothing gives me more joy than a great book - and sharing those books with my people!

So, today I’m sharing what I’ll call, therapy adjacent books. They are the books I recommend again and again to friends, clients, (strangers?) who are either curious about therapy and not sure what to make of it OR are going through something specific in their lives.

Obviously, this is in no way an exhaustive list, it is ever growing and changing— but these are the ones I find myself going back to, again and again. (If you have books you love, please share them with me, too!)

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Maybe you Should Talk to Someone, by Lori Gottlieb

This book might be one of my favorite therapy books, ever? It is beautiful mix of memoir and clinical case studies — as Gottlieb navigates her experience of motherhood, aging, and vulnerability in her own therapy, she weaves in the masterful work she does with her clients in their therapy and the interplay between the two. Its poignant, funny, and she is clearly a deeply skilled therapist.

Her style of therapy, her usage of self as a tool for the work, the clinical orientation she uses feels the most similar to how I orient my practice than any other book I’ve read in this genre (she is also a Marriage and Family Therapist, MFT). I recommend this to anyone being a human in the world — but I think it feels especially resonant for people who are curious about how therapy can look and feel as a client and the inner world of their own therapist. She speaks to both sides of the experience.

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