It’s a show about teenagers navigating grief, desire, expectations, and the pressures of growing up. For whatever reason, maybe because I was on the verge of my period, I could not stop crying. By midnight I’d finished the series and was lying alone in bed in my empty house. My kids were spending the night with their dad.

Guess who arrived just in time to keep me company. My shame.

Maybe this is why I don’t watch tv, because I’m very sensitive. But something about that show brought up my own pain around my childhood, relationships, and now my experience of being a parent.

I was feeling the ache of loosing my dad, and never having the relationship I craved with him. The pain of being a single mom - I never imagined this would be my story. The loneliness of not having anyone by my side to navigate life. And honestly just thinking of all the ways I’ve been falling short as a parent lately. I was doubting my ability to handle it all. Did I make a series of massive mistakes bringing my kids into this world?

I honestly thought I was ready to be a parent. I turned 30 just four days after my first son was born. The only thing I’ve ever been certain of was that I wanted to be a mother. I spent all of my twenties on a pursuit of healing, searching for purpose, happiness, and health to set a solid foundation for parenthood. I did the work, read the books, went to therapy, became a yoga teacher, went on a pilgrimage to India. If it was in the self growth arena, likely I’ve done it. I thought my partner and I were in a good place. We were very intentional with bringing both our babies into the world. Yet I don’t think we could have possibly known what having kids would bring up in us both.

Its funny I think a lot of us believe having a family will “complete us”. But really, a partner and especially kids, only shine a light on places within that still need our own love.

The journey I’ve been on since becoming a mother has been a constant struggle. The pressure to be a “good” parent is enormous. In today’s world we are bombarded with images and information and even well intentioned shows. Like the one I was consuming, all emphasize the tremendous responsibility we have to show up as best as we can.

Yet we are human. Something I’ve been grappling with is how imperfect I am. I think when you live a very spiritual life - there is an expectation that this means I am more likely to get it right. But really as a yogi, what I’ve gained is AWARENESS around everything. Including the ways I’m getting it wrong. However thanks to my spiritual practices I’ve also gained a beautiful friend to awareness, COMPASSION.

So in this moment of being overwhelmed with my shame. Another familiar friend showed up. Compassion. I don’t know if it was my Higher Self, God, or just my own heart. But a softness appeared and smothered my entire being. It felt like I could breathe and exist and that I was loved no matter what. I was able to find some peace and fall asleep.

The next couple of days were quite telling. Nothing remarkable happened, I got my kids back, with no electricity due to the hurricane, we spent a good amount of time together. I had way more patience for them after having my break over the weekend. There were many sweet moments together and at one point dancing and singing songs in the car, I glanced at both of them and just felt such a deep happiness.

Ive experienced so much over this past year of rebuilding my life. One thing I’m truly grateful for is the support of my spirituality. The practices, mindset shifts, internal space, trust, and grace this path has offered has truly given me everything I need to navigate life. The messy twists and turns - I still have no idea what I’m doing. But with great effort I continue to show up and offer myself in service to something greater. I am seeing so clearly right now, that the more we give space for the darker parts of ourselves, and meet those parts with compassion - the more our capacity to experience joy broadens. I hope where ever you are on your own journey, you make friends with your shame and also with your compassion. Sending you love.

Namaste,

Satchie

However, the moment you decide, you step forward on a new trajectory. It can’t be a half hearted choice. It must be solid and clear. Then every successive step follows that decision. Its not always easy. When I mentally decided I was done being in spaces and relationships that did not feel safe, physically and mentally- I didn’t know what would happen. But I knew what I was no longer willing to tolerate.

Similarly when I decided to become a yoga teacher, I had no idea what jobs I would have or where my teaching career would take me. But I decided to no longer contemplate the idea of being a yoga teacher. I decided that was my path.

These past few weeks I feel like I’ve been standing in front of a doorway. Contemplating whether or not I step through. In this case it took some time for me to gain clarity. I turn to my practices when my mind feels cloudy. Yoga, breathwork, meditation, journaling, hiking, time in nature, resting, lying on the floor giving myself space to breathe.

This past year I’ve been so dedicated to my healing, reprogramming my subconscious mind, shedding layers that are no longer in alignment with my soul’s truth. I truly feel like I’ve leveled up and life is starting to mirror the inner changes.

Since moving into my own place, I’ve gained a lot of spaciousness and independence. In this space I found myself dating and entertaining the idea of allowing a new partner into my space. This has brought a lot of excitement into my mind. It also brought a lot of confusion. Perhaps because I haven’t been clear about who I am in this next chapter of my life.

Centering men, is something so deeply rooted in myself, and as I’ve been discovering, the female psyche. From the time we were little girls (especially if you’re a 90’s baby) we grew up being programmed by the Disney princesses. Believing our happily ever after would only happen once we fell in love with our prince. I believed this with every ounce of my being. And each time I was disappointed by a man, whether that be my father, or a boyfriend, the pain felt intolerable. Because my whole existence and sense of worth was defined by being chosen.

Yet after my entire life collapsed and I lost the “happily ever after fairytale” I had been sold - I realized the utter bullshit it all is. No, my happily ever after is not reliant upon a man choosing me. It is reliant on me taking radical ownership of my life and my happiness. And THAT is the clarity I have been looking for.

Cue, stepping into my MAIN CHARACTER DOORWAY. Where I center, not men, but MEEEEEE! The Queen, Priestess, Yogi, Mama, Wild, Free, Badass that I am. This is what my next chapter is about. And the funny thing is, is that I know love will be a part of this next chapter, I feel it in my bones. And yet, its not the plot. I’m so excited about the work I’m doing, the people I’m meeting, the experiences I’m having, and the life I am creating.

I write this to share and offer my own experience. If you feel like you are at the edge of a new life. Take time to get really quiet and clear about who you are becoming. Then DECIDE. Don’t look back, you’re not going in that direction. Trust in yourself and take each step with POWER.

Sending you love.

Namaste,

Satchie

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However somewhere along the way, that overriding of our own innate wisdom starts to deter us from living a life that feels aligned. We get to a place in life, look around and think, this is not the life for me. We question ourselves, How did I get here?

But the truth is we didn’t get ourselves there. The conditioning, the listening to others, the being agreeable - all the habits that placed others over ourselves, got us there.

And we have a choice. We can either continue moving forward, letting the outer world shape our path.

Or,

We can go inward and develop unshakable self trust.

Now this doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, practice, patience, and space. But I promise you, if you make it a priority, your life will start to shift in ways that feel magical.

It all starts with the nervous system.

Now if you are in the wellness world, I’m sure you’ve gotten your ear chewed off by now about how you need to regulate your nervous system.

Don’t roll your eyes at me. Its just facts. The ancient yogis knew this, and that’s why so many of the earliest yoga asana are centered around nervous system regulation. Viparita Karani (waterfall pose) for example, is one of the oldest recorded yoga poses we know of (13th century, Vivekamārtaṇḍa). Modern science proves that this pose has so many benefits. Regulating blood pressure, improving circulation, and a calming effect on the nervous system. The earliest poses were all about preparing the body for pranayama and meditation.

Why is this important for self trust? Your nervous system is your body’s central intelligence and its number one job is to keep you safe and alive. Now when we are chronically stressed, even if we don’t realize it, the body is in constant high alert. Things like intuition take a backseat to survival.

So before you even have access to your deeper wisdom, you need to slow down enough to develop a baseline of safety and calm within your body.

Now this is where it gets fun, because there are endless ways to regulate your nervous system. Dancing, laughing, surfing, hiking, walking, cuddling, earthing, yoga, breathwork, meditation, swimming, sipping on tea, connecting with a trusted soul, watching the clouds go by, reading. ANYTHING that makes you feel safe and calm. Do that. Do more of it. Most importantly PAY ATTENTION to how you feel when you are doing the thing. The more we pay attention to when we feel regulated, safe and calm, the easier it becomes to identify when we are dysregulated.

For me this took months of dedication. Honestly I didn’t even realize I had been living so much in disregulation and survival mode, until I started consciously regulating my body. After some time, if felt like I could finally breathe. I didn’t feel my baseline was anxiety anymore, but rather contentment.

From contentment, we build.

Without anxiety, worry, and stress running the show, I could ask myself what I truly wanted my life to feel like and look like. Freedom, space, purpose, alignment, energy, abundance, flow. These were all the words that came to mind.

I used the deep imaginings from To Be Magnetic to go deep into my subconscious, work with my shadow, and inner child to process and get clear about the ways I had been conditioned.

I feel like this step blasted away self doubt.

Then we pour into ourselves.

For me that means yoga, breathwork, meditation, strength training, eating healthy, reading, self care, time with soul fam, and REST.

I’m very cautious of what I consume. I only listen to uplifting music, conscious podcasts, and surround myself with aligned people who feel supportive and nourishing to be around.

And now after sometime, life will start to test you.

Oh you want to change your life…are you sure?

It will ask in experiences.

Its up to you to be solid enough in your self belief that you choose differently. You must stay aligned with your higher vision and with how you want to feel.

The material outer reality only starts to shift once the inner world is so clear and unshakable.

The liminal space between the old you and the new you is where many people give up.

I believe the reason being, the discomfort of change is so intolerable at the level of the body, that people stay in the comfort of the old self. Enough though they say they want change.

The trick is being able to self soothe when we are in uncertainty. Use your tools to create a sense of inner safety. Choose yourself again and again. Keep your mind clear. Protect your peace at all costs. Then, and only then will your reality start to shift.

And as you begin to witness your life change, you will strengthen your self trust. Until life has shown you again and again that when you listen to your inner wisdom, trust your own guidance, stay the course, and sit in discomfort, reality will bend to your will.

This my friends, is how we develop unshakable self trust.

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For a year it felt like I was putting in the work and there wasn’t a lot of evidence things were changing. Going to therapy, doing subconscious reprogramming, breathwork, yoga, all the things. But when I look back I can see that the changes were incremental and I was being presented with one test after another. Each time I was able to shift my thinking, the way I handled situations, and ultimately who I was becoming.

Now, July so far has felt like a quantum leap. I moved into my own place with my boys, sold out my first retreat, more growth on substack in a few weeks than in a year, and reality is mirroring back to me my new beliefs about myself.

This past weekend, while hanging out with new friends, I was called a flirt.

And it really struck me.

My reaction was “no I’m not, I’m just being myself”.

That felt true for me. I felt like I was being my playful, childlike self. I was present, and responding to life. I was in my body, trusting myself, and not thinking so much.

It occurred to me that in my 36 years of living, I’ve never been called a flirt.

So it felt like such a compliment.

To me it means I’m finally out of survival mode.

This man also called me a Goddess.

Now this was a clear sign, things have shifted. I went from a year ago, begging my partner to be “nice to me”. To now the man in front of me calling me a Goddess and ready to worship me.

Even though nothing happened with this new person, I felt alive and free. I felt closer to attracting a Divine Partner than ever before. I felt clear about who I am, my value, and how I want to feel in relation to others.

And best of all, I had no expectations of any of this. I was just open and receiving what life was bringing me. I enjoyed the attention, but I know I need more consistency to give someone access to me.

If you’ve made it this far, maybe you’re curious about how you too, can become more of a flirt. I think for me the key is getting out of your own way. Less thinking, more being. Trust yourself that you hold your boundaries and you get to say yes or no to what life is presenting you. Let yourself receive attention and bask in it.

Sending you love!

Namaste,

Satchie

I’ve been in many sketchy situations. Traveling to foreign countries, blindly trusting people, ignoring what was in front of me, ignoring my inner knowing, listening to my head and not my body.

Things shifted when I spent more time inward. Yoga, meditation, breathwork, subconscious reprogramming, mindfulness. Theres not one tool that did it for me. It has been a combination of tools and time spent with these tools that have deepened my understanding of myself. Time spend in nature. With my ancestors. Asking questions and listening to the quiet reply.

My ability to recognize my own intuition. And my willingness to trust God, following the path, yet trusting myself that I will speak up, hold boundaries, leave situations, and ultimately be ok alone.

Desire is so tempting.

Perhaps my deepest desire is to be seen.

To be loved.

And so dancing with attention can be dangerous.

Chasing can become subtle.

Who steps towards me too fast?

Who is so consumed with themselves they don’t have space to recognize me?

Why does it feel scary to be witnessed and desired fiercely?

Why does it feel more familiar and safe when I am not fully being met?

These are questions I’ve been unpacking.

Its easy to manifest a house. a job. material objects.

But when the ultimate desire is Divine Union with another, the trust needs to be strong. Self trust and trust in God.

Because if not, we will settle. We will accept what is in front of us. Rather than listening to a deeper longing. A deeper knowing.

God will show you when someone is not for you. But will you have the strength and self respect to walk away from what your mind thinks is wonderful and your body feels as comfort?

Can you surrender to the moment?

The truth is for me, surrender feels terrifying.

And the fact that I desire anything, shows me there is still inner work to do.

~Satchie

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I’ve been training myself all year for this.

One year ago I walked out of an unsafe home. I stepped back from a relationship that felt draining and toxic. I didn’t know what would happen. But I knew I could not expand in that environment any longer. Diving into the unknown was terrifying. Not because I hadn’t taken leaps before, but because this time I wasn’t alone. I had my two young kids in tow. And yet, I felt it in my bones. We were meant for something different.

Yet what followed was a story I could not have imagined. It was heartbreaking, hard, and telling. God showed me what I needed to see and experience to finally choose me.

Let me tell you, that is fucking hard. Being alone. Facing yourself. Mind. Heart. Soul. Going deep and letting yourself unravel. It is so humbling. At first there was so much shame that surfaced. How did I get here? Shouldn’t I be healed by now? Not this trauma again, haven’t I processed this enough? SO. MANY. TEARS…I probably cried an ocean’s worth.

And then there were moments of peace. Days, even. Where I felt like I was making huge leaps. All to be met by another trigger. But I leaned in. I screamed, cried more, reached out to friends, unpacked in therapy, pushed it out in the gym, meditated, breathed, swam, hiked, prayed, slept, wept. Surrendered to the process of life unfolding and allowing myself to fully experience it. Meeting the parts of myself I had neglected in order to be chosen. Seeing myself fully and tending to all that I am.

I didn’t know it then but I was training. Mind, body, soul. Intimately learning my nervous system without constantly being plugged into another.

Dipping my toes in dating…oooff more lessons to be learned in how I contort to be likeable.

Work opportunities coming out of left field, allowing me to step into my power more.

The weight of caring for my boys.

Things working out. Things not working out.

Consistently showing up to my practice. Yoga. Not just the asana, but truly living out what it is to be a yogi. I began to find my flow. Every no, became redirection. And when I began to trust in the inner work, and continued to show up in service every. single. day. BOOM. Alignment happens fast. But really its a culmination of every tear, every rep, every downdog, every tantrum I stayed calm through, every moment I chose mindfulness over distraction.

Here I am, writing on my beautiful desk in my writing room. While my boys sleep soundly in their bedroom. My own bedroom just a few doors down. We did it fam. I did it. Along with the grace of God that showed up in every single person who has helped me get here. My biggest manifestation come to life. A safe, beautiful home nestled in the mountains. I can hardly believe it. I keep breathing and telling myself we deserve this. And I feel it in my bones, its truth.

So where ever you are on your journey, close your eyes, get quiet. Listen to your heart and your bones, because they know. Then take the leap in the direction life is calling you towards and trust.

All my love,

Satchie

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It seems obvious. Yet, in my experience it has been a lifelong journey and likely one I will continue to work at. Most recently I am finding myself being tested in this. How deeply can I stay rooted in inner happiness amidst so much outer chaos.

Today, the house I was banking on moving into fell through. I was really counting on this place working out. After a year of being in an uncomfortable living situation with my family, that I thought would be temporary, I’ve overstayed my welcome. My kids are relying on me, my dog is relying on me and my family is expecting me to move out. Its a lot of pressure. I feel like I’ve been pushing myself so hard, saving up, teaching more than I ever have, applying for any help I can get, all while taking care of my kids. I was so nervous I wouldn’t even qualify as a single mom, yoga teacher, with the income I currently have. But through the tremendous help of my Mother in Law, or ex-mother in law, I don’t know what to call her, but at this point she’s more like a guardian angel, supporting me and my boys. I finally got the call that I qualified for the place - relief and excitement filled me. Only to be short lived after I found out that the current tenant would not be moving out as expected.

So, back to square one. Now part of me went into a slight panic, not gonna lie. The brainy part that likes to have a plan and a sense of control. I am a Capricorn after-all. But I noticed a deeper current also present. The inner knowing that I am taken care of. That things always work out as they are meant to. And that I am divinely protected. There was a part of me that thought, “ok, maybe this is for the best and I’m being redirected”. Both parts can exist, and I’ve learned to honor both. So I let my brainy part search for apartments, schedule some viewings, and reach out to communities I am apart of. I did that for about an hour. And then when my toddler woke up from his nap, I took one look at him and said we’re going on an adventure.

We walked out to the nearby stream where we played in the water, barefoot on the ground. Immersed in nature, I could feel my nervous system relax. I spoke to God. “Ok, whats the plan, where would you like me to be?”. I told the Universe I’m listening.

It doesn’t mean I like it or that I’m super comfortable with uncertainty.

It means I have trust. I have trust in myself. I have trust in the mysterious ways of the Universe. And I choose to believe that there is a force beyond me, that is gently guiding me through this journey. That force is a mix of my ancestors, a higher power, Mother Earth, Father Sky, and my future self in the quantum field. I’ve developed this belief over years of my spiritual practice. Developing a relationship to something bigger than my thinking mind. Because in my experience living solely from my thinking mind only drove me to anxiety, depression, unhappiness, fear, and panic.

I think the question to ask is not whether what I believe in is true. The question that matters is - does it help me navigate my present moment. The answer is YES! 100%. It allows me to experience inner happiness in my current circumstances. Even though tomorrow is uncertain. I have no clue what the future holds for me, which is both terrifying and exciting. The breakthrough is that for the first time maybe ever, I know I’ll be happy where ever I end up. Because I choose to be happy - right here, right now, even if now looks a little messy.

So I encourage you to take the journey of a lifetime. The journey from the head to the heart. Find what helps you feel supported, and do more of that. It only needs to be true to you, to be legit. Sending you so much love.

Namaste,

Satchie

On my recent trip to Colorado, I ventured out into a canyon to spend some time in nature. Now when I hike, I like to converse with the surroundings and my thoughts. One of the lines that popped in my head was, “Are people worth helping?”

Helping people is something I’ve always either wanted to do or have done. Every job I’ve ever had involved helping in some capacity and somewhere along the way I’ve equated this as a worthy pursuit.

In my darkest of times, after my dad committed suicide, I could feel myself start to descend into the depths. I chose to serve in AmeriCorps to shift my focus towards helping people. That gave me a sense of purpose and allowed me to channel my energy into a worthy cause, rather than my own suffering. Helping others, helped me climb out of a darkness that could have easily consumed me.

My career of teaching yoga over the last 8 years has been a testament to my dedication towards helping others. If ever I feel my ego creep in, I connect to God and ask to be a vessel. To let the teachings flow through me, to my students, to be exactly what they need to heal. This has kept me humble, and anchored.

Yet along my journey and especially more recently I have been feeling quite disappointed by people. It can be really soul crushing when you are hurt so much by those whom you know intimately. How can people be so cruel? So thoughtless and careless with others hearts and feelings. Not to mention the state of the world we live in. Turn on the news and within minutes I’ve consumed enough to make me swear off people forever.

I found myself climbing up the side of this canyon, completely alone. In many ways the most alone I’ve been in a long time. Away from my kids. Away from my family, friends, and my students. And I found myself pondering my conviction for helping.

Is it worth dedicating my precious life energy to? Humans? Who have the capacity to be absolutely destructive, terrible, and heartless.

Honestly my mind gave a lot of compelling reasons why they are not worth it.

And then I thought of one, good reason.

Me.

I am worth it.

I know my heart.

And I thought of those who have helped me along my journey. Genuine people who have held me, lifted me up and inspired me to keep going. Simply because they were dedicated to helping.

And so if I’m worthy, then we are all worthy.

And it is a worthy pursuit.

So here’s to the next decade of helping others. Pouring my heart and energy into the work that I do. Because people need help, we always will. So I’ll be in my little corner of the world speaking gently, guiding nervous systems into relaxation, awareness into the heart space, and those who are ready, back home to themselves.

Namaste,

Satchie

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From the second I touched down in Denver every single moment flowed beautifully, one into the next. Easily navigating my rental car into Boulder where I luckily got to check into my hotel early and have a power nap.

The day was glorious. The air was fresh, the trees vibrating with a brightness you could feel, and the sun kissing my skin. Our commencement ceremony was like a magic show. The magicians locked you in, opened your heart and left you in awe, wanting more.

Receiving my graduate degree felt like honoring all the women I’ve had to become to get to this moment. Dinner with my peers and teachers nourished the child in me, who always yearned for her place. My sweet yogi friends. Connected by heart. The safest people I’ve known, creating space for me to rest in my being. To be my childlike self and not hold back. What a gift these humans are to me and to the world.

That was just day one.

The rest of my trip was an adventure. From attending a slow moving fiery yoga asana class, walking around an artisan market, to venturing solo into a canyon I stumbled upon. Boulder kept pumping that Rocky Mountain high into my lungs.

And then came Crestone.

The ride in alone was a majestic journey into wide open space.

That space sucked me in. Brought me into a new dimension where time was an infinite state of presence. A space where I had unlimited access to Divine love and knowledge. I felt held in the way a loving mother cradles her baby. Fear leaving my bones. Allowing me to rest.

Each moment unfolded more magical than the previous. Only to teach me as Ram Dass would say, that it’s all right here. It’s all right now.

I won’t try to describe my experience. Because words would fall short.

But I will say, when the mountains call, you must go.

Rocky Mountain High, Colorado.

And now back on the plane. Descending back down to sea level. My body filled with coffee and Coca Cola. The drugs needed to handle the hectic chaos of life. I feel the fear creep back in.

But I pause.

Tune into my breath. Nadi shodana. In through the left, out through the right. In through the right, out through the left. I feel my mind settle. And I reach for my phone to write. Don’t let the wisdom leave all too soon. So here’s my own reminder to myself. That Divine love is always available to me and to you. In fact it is our resting state. A plethora of ways to get there, and lucky for me and you, I know a few. :)

-Satchie

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It was May Day for my oldest son. Here in Hawai’i, May Day is a celebration of making and wearing lei. It is a huge celebration of the Hawaiian culture and we grow up having school performances of song and dance around this day. It brings families together to celebrate our islands and the Aloha spirit.

However for me it was a reminder of the brokenness of my family. The kind of ache that isn’t visible, but is always there beneath the surface.

I am proud of myself for the way I have navigated this past year. I truly believe my dharma, my duty, is to be a mother. I like to think I always have my children’s best interest at heart. And for me that means learning to hold my own feelings with care, so that my children can continue to have meaningful relationships with the people who love them.

So today, I showed up.

I took photos. I sat with family. I wore the lei that were given with love. I moved through complicated spaces with as much grace as I could manage, trying to make sure everyone felt comfortable, even when things felt anything but.

On a day that celebrates Ohana, I did my best to honor that spirit in the only way I know how.

And maybe the best performance of all was the one I gave. Smiling and chatting. As if everything was okay.

The truth is that it’s not okay. And it’s not simple. It’s the messy, complicated reality of human relationships. Everyone has their reasons and their version of the truth. There is a lot of underlying pain from the unraveling of a family and the weight of caring for small children. We all carry some of that weight.

Some days, it sure feels like I’m carrying more than I can hold.

When I got home I laid in bed and cried. Not because I wished it was different. But because I know this is my story now. It’s heavy. It’s hard.

And I also know it won’t feel like this forever. So today I let myself feel it. I rested. I took a nap.

And then I got up and kept going, taking care of my boys.

Because that is my dharma.

To be their mother.

-Satchie

I could have blamed my ex for everything that went wrong. I could have stayed bitter and jumped into another relationship. Instead, I chose something harder.

I took responsibility. For myself and lineage.

I faced myself. I committed to therapy every week for a year—and I continue to show up. Within that year I sat in ceremony, meditation, nature. I sat with the grief and with the darkness. I knew that if I wanted something different for my future, I had to understand what brought me here.

I knew I was in a trauma bond. I saw the red flags from the beginning. And still, something drew me in. Something made me stay. Something believed that this was what I deserved. A part of me felt at home in chaos.

There were also beautiful parts of our time together. I do believe there was genuine love and connection. In many ways, we were mirrors for one another.

But as time went on—as I healed, as I grew, as I became a mother—I expanded. And in that expansion, I could no longer tolerate the way I was in relationship with this person. I tried, over and over, to make it work. Eventually, I was depleted.

So I made a painful choice: I chose myself and my boys.

Even then, it wasn’t clean. My heart was still entangled, still attached to the pain. It took betrayal for me to fully detach.

And suddenly, I found myself back in my childhood home—surrounded by my triggers. All of them. Past and present.

At that point, I knew my wounds like a map I had memorized. I could trace them with my fingers. I could tell you the age, the place, the memory.

Cognitively, I had done the work. I had journaled, wept, screamed, remembered. I had revisited every painful moment.

And yet, something still felt just beneath the surface.

When I began working more deeply—dropping out of my mind and into my body—I started to encounter what many call the shadow. The sensations so painful we spend a lifetime trying not to feel them.

Our bodies, in their intelligence, create protector parts to help us avoid that pain.

Mine had been working in overdrive.

Hyper-vigilant. High-achieving. Perfectionist. A harsh inner critic. A relentless ruminator.

These parts were running the show.

One by one, I began to meet them. Through parts work and therapy, I got to know them. I listened. I connected. I allowed them to step out of the shadows and be seen for what they truly are—parts of me that worked tirelessly to keep me safe.

Parts that experienced confusion, fear, and pain.

And slowly, I learned how to hold them with compassion. To meet them as the safe adult I am now.

Each time I connected with a protector, something clicked. My patterns began to make sense. The ways I was suffering in the present—the critical voice, the obsessive thoughts, the looping narratives—weren’t random. They were protection.

These parts had learned how to help me survive the past. But those same strategies were now keeping me stuck.

Like a record caught in a loop, replaying the same patterns over and over.

But when we bring awareness to these shadow parts, when we turn toward them instead of away—something begins to shift. Shame softens. The body relaxes. “Oh I’m allowed to exist”.

These parts don’t disappear. They’re not meant to. But they no longer have to run everything.

Sometimes they still get loud. But now, I can recognize them for what they are, parts asking to be seen.

And maybe that’s all any of us really want.

To be seen. To be understood.

This process created a space for the protector parts to soften, and I could access the feelings and sensations I was being protected from. This is brave, hard work. Yet so necessary to move forward with life.

So here I am. Perfectly imperfect. Still uncovering, still integrating. Hoping to meet whatever arises with a little more awareness and a little more compassion each time.

This work is hard to put into words. It lives more in the body than in language. But if something in this resonated with you, then you already understand. Where ever you are on your path with your own parts, sending you love.

—Satchie

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Today was the first day of sunshine in what feels like a long time.

Hawaii has been getting an unusual amount of rain, to say the least—the biggest rainfall in 20 years. Some communities were hit quite hard. And yet, seeing how people show up and come together after hardship is remarkable.

One thing I appreciated about the rain: it meant more time indoors—and more time to read.

I read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth in a week. I haven’t moved through a book that quickly in a while. I think it was a mix of the content itself, along with the meditation practice I’ve been doing over the past few months during my final semester of graduate school.

A New Earth isn’t so much about the Earth itself, but about the humans who inhabit it. What makes it “new” is the shift in awareness Tolle points us toward.

I feel deeply inspired by the way he breaks down the ego—its troubling qualities, and how it traps us in endless cycles of suffering. When we begin to understand this, and pair that understanding with practices that dissolve the ego, something begins to shift.

One practice that’s been especially powerful for me is analytical meditation—a mindfulness-based Buddhist practice that involves examining all aspects of the “self” and, in doing so, dissolving the ego. This happens through loosening the separation between the witnessing self and the object of meditation.

These teachings seem to arrive as they always do—right when I need them.

Daily life offers endless opportunities to practice. Lately, that practice has looked like loosening my identification with form.

The body, for example, is a gift. But it can also be a source of suffering when we identify with it completely. There’s no shortage of messaging telling us we are not enough at the level of the body. Entire multibillion-dollar industries profit from that sense of lack.

And then there’s everything else we identify with: what we accumulate, our homes, clothes, roles, and stories—our past, future, work, family, friendships. All of it is form. All of it is impermanent.

As we begin to loosen our identification with these things, something deeper opens.

A layer of connection that’s difficult to describe—but unmistakable when felt.

What I’ve been experiencing is a sense of freedom. Less attachment to my body, my thoughts, my actions—not in a way that feels like giving up, but actually the opposite. Without forcing it, I feel more inspired to care for my body, to move, to work, to contribute.

I relate to my work as a form of service, rather than something to get “right.” Even writing feels different—I do it because it’s joyful, because it’s a natural expression of everything moving through me.

Lately, I’ve been paying attention to this deeper layer—the one that pervades everything.

Every moment. Every interaction. Every glance. Every breath.

Sacred. Layered. Alive beneath the surface.

So here’s an invitation:

What exists beneath the surface of your own life—beyond form?

What might you discover if you looked?

I’ve struggled with the idea of taking up space since I was a child. Sometimes I took up too much and felt rejected. Other times I wanted to shrink so completely it felt like I might disappear.

Navigating adulthood while simultaneously healing has been a constant lesson in feeling into the space I permeate.

Today in a rather large group meditation and dharma talk I was seated next to a dude. This guy decided to lay down during the dharma talk, almost immediately falling asleep. As he dozed off he started snoring softly, which was mildly annoying. I turned my head to gaze at him as if the irritation in my eyes could wake him. He continued getting progressively louder. Yet I didn’t nudge him. Part of me thought, why is it my responsibility? Finally someone behind me got up to wake him and told him he was snoring.

In that moment I felt annoyed not at the sleepy dude, but with myself. He was bothering me, yet why didn’t I wake him?

The more I pondered this, the more I began to realize this thread in a lot of similar experiences I find myself in. I think the answer lies in my boldness or lack thereof. Surely some of my choices appear bold from the outside — leaving a toxic living situation, ending a relationship, becoming a full time yoga teacher. But when I look closer, I see a reluctance to be audacious in smaller moments. There is a subtle need to be liked, keep the peace, or appear “good”. I handle nearly every situation with a quietness and softness that opens myself up to harm.

In the case with the snoring meditator - he was being rude. There were signs everywhere that said “please don’t lie down”. His energy was encroaching mine and harming my experience. Instead of politely waking him and setting a boundary, I did nothing, hoping someone else would.

This is a pattern I am noticing in the way I own my space and my reality.

I’d like to be bold. To be brave enough to be disliked. Misunderstood. To not only take up space, but claim it.

And maybe taking up space doesn’t always look dramatic.

Maybe sometimes it’s as simple as tapping a stranger on the shoulder and saying, “Hey, you’re snoring.”

I’m practicing that kind of courage now.

I’ll report back and let you know how it goes.

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I’ve been feeling exhausted lately. Trying to figure out if it’s mercury retrograde, carrying too much on my plate, or the heaviness of life…Whatever it is, it feels palpable. Normally, I wake up on my strength training mornings at 5:30am easily, but the past couple of weeks I’ve opted for sleep instead.

I’m gentle with myself, I don’t overthink it…and I let my body take the rest that it clearly needs. However, when that feeling of exhaustion lingers longer than a few days, I take note. What I’m sensing into, in accordance to my Eco-Psychology course on Life Transitions is what is known as the Reincorporation phase. When one goes through any significant life transition there are a few key stages - severance, threshold, and reincorporation.

I think that while the severance and threshold phases can be quite intense, they are usually a little more straightforward. With a clear beginning and end. The initial separation where one cuts ties with their previous identify, followed by a liminal state where one crosses the doorway into the next phase of life or identity.

However, the reincorporation phase is much more ambiguous. For me, I’m in this weird place of showing up in the same spaces, and same relationships with people, but I’m different. As a result there is an internal lag. In some moments I find myself reverting back to my conditioned way of speaking, relating and responding.

Other times when I’m present enough, I slow down. I begin to really inhabit the present moment and I open myself up to relating in a new way as my new self. This is so subtle and requires so much awareness. But I’ve noticed the dance of conversation opens up and there is a flow. I feel so at ease here. Its when I slow down and allow myself to be me. Or maybe trust myself enough to hold the relating, that the energy can flow in a new way. The more I lean into this, the more I know I am creating a whole new reality.

I think the tiredness comes from breaking free of a cycle. The cycle of all my past conditioning. Breaking free of the layers of was who I was. Who my past had molded me into. This cookie cutter version of myself who spoke a certain way, said just the right thing, contorted my being to fit into any space.

Whereas now, I’m shifting. I’m making space for my Spirit to fully inhabit my body. My soul to speak as loudly and as boldly as it wants. And for my heart to not hide. To be my whole self and relate with others from this place. Sometimes that requires me to be quiet and let other’s share. Sometimes it requires me to be bold and hold a boundary. Its not always obvious. And of course, I’m wobbling, acting and speaking as my old self would, and realizing in real time how it does’t feel good anymore. Responding to life in each new moment.

I don’t know how long this reincorporation phase will last. How long it will take others to respond to present me and not the past. How long it will take to fully shed the old skin and embody the new. But I see what’s happening; I’m giving myself and others the grace we deserve as we navigate this human up-leveling experience. I’m curious to hear your experience with the reincorporation phase of transitions and if you have any advice ;)

I have always loved the idea of springtime. Growing up in Hawaii, the shift was subtle. So when I lived abroad as an adult, I appreciated the more intense change as we transitioned from frigid winter to spring.

Now that I’m back in Hawaii, I still maintain the lifestyle alignment of seasonal living. I allowed myself to fully rest this winter. Giving myself this internal permission to slow down and let go of the pressure of a timeline has been so incredibly nourishing. And that didn’t mean I needed to stop moving forward. Yet the pace has felt sustainable.

What has become essential for me is quiet time to myself, limiting consumption, being extremely selective with who and what I allow into my intimate space, advocating for myself, and nourishing my body.

I will take these practices with me as we move into this new season.

On another note - I want to share something I’ve been incorporating into my days.

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Happy Friday! I got to attend a Chinese lion dance performance to celebrate the Lunar New Year at my son’s preschool this morning. The laughter of the children was so sweet and cleansing for my mind that has been quite agitated this week if I’m being honest. I think with all the hype around the transition from the Snake year to the Fire Horse, I had set my expectations quite high around what this week would entail. However, all I’ve noticed is this low grade anxiety as the background noise in my head.

Sitting beside my son, watching the lion performance was an opportunity to be present. How hard it is to lean back and trust that change is coming, when you are so used to doing, proving, pushing, and making things happen? Yet as I move through this next phase of life, its requiring a new level of discernment and patience. I’ve never been good with the latter.

Yet I have to give reverence to the year of the snake for teaching me about patience. I saw how things play out when I get too involved. Time has shown me this middle path between God and the Ego. The Universe and me. When I think everything is up to me, I work damn hard to make things happen. Yet, when I surrender and take a step back, things unfold even better than I could have planned for. Truth always has a way of surfacing, you don’t have to go digging.

So here I am, sitting in the uncertainty. Trusting that God has heard every single one of my prayers. Trusting that life is happening for me. Trusting that as long as I keep showing up for my practice..which I’ve been neglecting (explains the anxiety), and being of service to the world, things will always work out for me. I think my work now is not in doing more, but in softening and trusting in the shedding and what its revealed. Trusting that in this new skin, I will know.

Where in your life are you gripping too tightly right now?