Picture this: you have planned the meals, and bought the groceries, fed the kids a snack after school, and then made the dinner and set up the table—at a time when you would rather be in pajamas in your bedroom with some candles lit, reading or watching Netflix.

You herd the children to the table, and before they are even seated, they instantly vocalize their disinterest in eating what is being served.

“How many bites?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“What’s for dessert?”

Instead of the blissful family dinner you had deliriously fantasized about, you debate with your kids to eat at least something, only to have most of the food end up in the compost, and to start the battle over dessert. With deep breaths, you take in the tantrums over the three pieces of chocolate that are ”too little” and outbursts over the missing treats that had been hidden in the candy box—that some kid had sneaked into earlier and emptied.

Then begin the fights over putting the dishes into the dishwasher, and cleaning up the kitchen. Why is it somehow news to everyone, every night, that everyone needs to participate? You silently decide to only feed your family from compostable paper plates from now on.

You know you are so done for the day, but alas, you need to start thinking about tomorrow’s school lunch. “Ok, let’s plan what you will pack for lunch for tomorrow.” Your child goes and gets pita chips. As you, again, start making the point that they will need more food for the 7-hour school day, your kids vanish, somewhere, shouting on their way out of the kitchen: “I don’t want to eat dry bread.” But what else is there to pack?

Ten minutes later they are back in the kitchen: “I’m hungry!”

It’s a shit show.

Or, shall I say, it was a shit show until the Finnish mom meal hacks saved my evenings, well, and mornings, and honestly all meal times. Now my life has simplified so much, I actually can’t believe it.

My kids have stopped battling over meals and, in general, are so much happier because they eat more regularly and more fulfilling foods. And I do find myself, a few times a week, in my bedroom at typical dinnertime reading or watching Apple TV, with lit candles giving me hygge vibes.

Even my American husband, who was initially hesitant, can’t believe what has happened.

“Do you now think this was a great idea?” I asked yesterday,

“Yes,” he said. “Let’s never go back.”

So, what did I do?

Disclaimer: This newsletter is not about nutritional guidance. Different cultures and even experts within cultures disagree on what exactly we should all eat. Here, I’m giving you cultural insight into how many Finnish parents typically handle meals.

Earlier Dinner Time

My (Finnish) mother visits us often, and luckily, stays for a while. Last time, after observing our evenings for a week, she pulled me aside, saying: “Can I offer a suggestion?”

“What if you tried to do the evenings the Finnish way, and at least the kids would eat dinner earlier, right after school?”

This would mean that I would skip the after-school snack and the later dinner, and instead offer healthy, simple dinner-type foods at a time when they were the hungriest and needed fuel for their sports, around 4-5 pm. It actually sounded so smart; I’m not sure why I hadn’t done this before. I was in.

With varying schedules, with two extremely picky eaters, and with my husband eating a very different diet from me, dinner for us often meant at least three different types of meals, and ended up being late, when everyone was tired and, at least in my case, cranky. We had been sticking to it really, because of the “cult of the family dinner.”

After hearing my mom’s suggestion, I could see that waiting till everyone was at home and sitting down together to eat the most complicated meal of the day, that required a big clean-up, wasn’t serving any of us. And that if we started doing things differently, we would actually achieve what we were supposed to get out of family dinners to begin with: better family dynamics.

So, I spearheaded the change, and now my kids actually eat, and eat better; I have a clean kitchen before 6 pm, and the evenings are much happier and calmer for all.

Night Snack (& Breakfast)

When you have a dinner-type meal early, you don’t need any after-school snacks, but kids will need another lighter meal before bed. The Finns have solved this challenge with the famous “iltapuuro” or “evening porridge”.

Porridge: a dish consisting of oatmeal or another meal or cereal boiled in water or milk. [Per dictionary].

Finns turn numerous different grains quickly and easily into delicious porridges. You can use oats, barley, semolina, rice, rye, millet, or quinoa. They can be made with water or different milks, or plant-based milks, and you can add anything you want into them based on your preferences. My favorites range from chia, hemp & flax seeds to different nut butters, berries, fruits, and honey (frozen sea buckthorn berries with honey top my list)—you can even make porridges savory if you wanted to.

What’s so nice about this “night snack” is that you can prepare porridge in bulk to last in the fridge for a few days and then warm it up before eating, or mix cold, “soaked” versions (think soaked oats). We often do these in single-serve mason jars, so they are ready to eat, or heat and eat.

Finns often do some type of porridge for breakfast as well, so you could use these for the morning too. I recommend you give it a try; it’s way more filling than cereal!

Want a whole post of my favorite, easy, superfood porridge recipes? Tell me in the comments, and if enough of you say “yes,” I’ll do it!

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Warm Lunch

In Finland, kids always eat a warm, healthy lunch. This is of course much easier in Finland, where public schools have chefs and kitchens that serve warm meals for free, but I have discovered a workaround — as I had to. Last time we got back from Finland, one of my boys got literally teary-eyed about the sadness of his cold lunch sandwich in the US. He wanted a real, warm meal (the meals you can buy in his school are not usually suitable).

As his school didn’t let me buy microwaves for the kids, re-heated food that sits in a thermos is as close as we have gotten to the Finnish warm school lunch. But I have learned it is still way more satisfying and fills a little belly more than said sandwich. To make sure my kids can do it independently, we now often lean on ready-made packets of rice and sauces with beans or lentils, or soups that can be quickly heated in the microwave in the morning and placed in the thermos. Because lunchtime is quite late, they also bring a separate snack to eat at snack time—this could be bread.

School feels much better for them with a warm meal.

Offer Eating Opportunities, and Skip Snacking

Think: breakfast, warm lunch (+ snack), warm dinner, and porridge for night snack. What makes feeding a family the Finnish way easier in general is that meals are not made complicated and kids don’t do on-the-go snacking. To give you just one example, instead of a bag of chips for a snack, a more Nordic alternative would be a slice of fresh, sourdough or multigrain bread with butter.

It’s about calories in from healthy foods that kids enjoy five times a day, sitting down to eat, and not snacking on the go. It’s also about skipping the mom guilt over food: as one American mom in Finland who consulted a local dietician for her picky eater told me, the advice was to not stress as long as the child was growing, and to focus on grains, calcium-containing foods or milks, and fruits for vitamins.

Regardless of what you feed your family, avoid buying anything with ingredients you are not familiar with or can’t pronounce.

I asked a Finnish family coach about the best way to react when my child sees other children having things that we don’t consider “healthy foods”. She suggested I tell my child that “I love you so, so much that I want you to eat things that are good for you.”

It’s OK to say no to junk food, drinks like Gatorade or sodas, and artificial food ingredients, sugary cereals, and so on. But what about sugary treats and desserts? There’s a Finnish hack for that too.

Candy Day

The cherry on top, so to speak, in the Finnish way of feeding a family, is to enjoy treats, desserts and sugary snacks and drinks only one day a week: the Candy Day. This is often a Friday, but choose whatever day works for you. I can’t recommend this hack enough, because now my kids eat so much better and the whining for treats has completely stopped. Instead, we have so much fun planning what treat we will have, go get, or make on Candy Day. It’s literally the sweetest thing.

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In the US, for more ease, I spend about fifteen minutes planning what simple foods we’ll eat each week (rarely ever making anything from recipes, except rhubarb crumble:-).

I then order in some groceries from Whole Foods, grab organic veggies and fruits from Big Y, get multi-colored local eggs, and get healthy, organic ready-made things from a small organic market or our local farmer’s market.

For the times when we really need something on the go, like for Lucas’s 18-hole golf tournaments, I order packaged snacks from the organic online grocery, Thrive Market.

My boys’ schools are starting this week—and, to be honest, I have been slightly dreading this moment. I have seriously mixed feelings.

And as a Finn, I’m a huge believer in how good school systems can be (Finland’s education system is considered top-notch globally), and I also think that it should not be on parents to educate the child (unless you really, really love teaching and want to do that). I believe in teachers and their expertise, and during the school hours, I want to hand my children over to them—I don’t feel the need to be involved.

But I have been hitting my head against the wall on some things. And here’s how I’m navigating our American school system as a Finn.

The most dramatic difference: child first vs. academic success first.

We live in an area people move to for the schools. But American schools are ranked according to academic success, not the reported happiness and well-being level of children.

The problem with this approach nationwide is that performance sometimes trumps what kids need to thrive.

Parents have told me about the overwhelming amount of math homework that makes kids cry. About the insane stress and anxiety over multiple standardized tests. About the 4-minute breaks in between classes where you don’t even have time to go to the bathroom—not even talking about going outside and running around to reset and clear the mind. It’s about finally getting outside, only to be restricted in how and where you can move.

Whenever I have described these challenges to Finnish parents, they always say the same thing:

“But don’t your kids just go crazy and jump on the walls when they come home? Mine would.”

Mine do too.

What’s never discussed is that the academic-success-first system leaves the resulting “mess” for parents to deal with at home.

In my own experience, I am left to parent completely frazzled kids who are both beyond exhausted mentally, but also physically—from the lack of movement and outdoor time. I’m left to encourage independence in kids who have no focus or energy left for their household tasks and routines. I’m left to help manage schedules where it’s impossible to fit in free time, sports, meals, and sufficient sleep with the homework. And, ultimately, I’m left to figure out how to boost learning and get my kids to focus—more.

I honestly don’t think these should be my job—because I think they are unnecessary and could be avoided with simple changes.

I’ll be frank: I love so, so much about their schools, their extraordinary teachers and principal, the curriculum that offers unbelievably amazing opportunities (like learning to play an instrument) that the Finnish system doesn’t offer, but it’s the wellbeing aspect I can’t get over.

This is also not on any specific school, teacher, or principal—it’s the education culture at large. So to make this excellent education work, Finnish style, with wellbeing at the center, requires going somewhat counter-culture.

1. Extra support vs. extra wellbeing

When I started asking our middle school—kindly, repeatedly—whether kids could get more outdoor breaks between classes, which in turn could help those who have a hard time focusing or absorbing content class after class, I learned something wild. There is no mechanism for that.

There are policies of extra support, but there are no policies to get a brain break, or request forms that would allow a kid to get outside.

The only route anyone could point me to involved tons of formal testing and an official designation.

Think about what that means. A child who needs to move (which is most, if not all, children) can’t simply be given an extra ten minutes outside. First, the kids need to have a “learning disability”. What if there wouldn’t be any challenges— if he or she had simply been allowed to burn off energy outside first and reach peak alertness?

In Finland, the system has you running around in fresh air, then you learn until it’s time to get back out. Repeat, repeat.

2. Teaching minutes vs. brain breaks

Kids need breaks in between classes to be able to absorb the information in class. According to Finnish thinking, kids will get brain fatigue after 45 minutes of learning, and after 90 minutes, concentration drops dramatically—making any extra “educational minutes” futile. This is why Finland mandates 10-15 minute breaks per 45 minutes of instruction, except a double class followed by a double break.

Currently, not one U.S. state has a law requiring recess for middle schoolers, and 49% of teachers report their students don’t get any. Luckily, our schools do, but of course, in my opinion, not enough.

3. Recess: critical part of education vs. disposable luxury

In Finnish elementary school, kids have to go outside for recess no matter the weather; in middle school they can decide—but in no situation are they held back from outdoor recess. Why?

Because inactive indoor recess is an oxymoron (unless a child truly chooses it).

Movement in fresh air and play is the whole point of recess. This helps active kids burn off energy so they can stay still for the next class and to restore alertness so they can absorb what they are learning. (We all know how tiring sitting down is). It is also considered critical for kids’ wellbeing and a fundamental right.

In the U.S. culture, recess does not carry the same weight, and for numerous reasons, recess time has only declined and is considered a privilege that can be cut. If I could change one thing, it would be to tie US school funding not only to test scores, but also to outdoor recess time and opportunities. Alas, I can’t, so I had to think of something else.

4. Homework: academic rigor vs. free time.

Finnish middle schoolers are reported to get about 20-30 minutes of homework on average. Per Challenge Success, a non-profit organization at Stanford University, American students get an average of 2.5 hours of homework in middle schools in top-performing school districts.

As I have been trying to understand why, it keeps coming back to cultural differences: the U.S. values academic rigor, and Finland values work-life balance. So, how do I emphasize the latter in a culture that pushes for the former?

5. Standardized tests: standard vs. not necessary

Well, in the U.S., we drown in them; in Finland, they don’t exist until your graduation year of high school. This makes me believe they are not all that necessary and cause too much stress and anxiety; but is this the one thing we can’t truly do anything about…or not?

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I’m diving straight into this one!

1. Solo retreats with Nordic vibes

I just did a few-day solo writing retreat in the Berkshires, kicking the first day off as a date with my husband, who then returned to the kids—and left me to write. Despite one day of non-stop lightning and thunder (so moody!), I found Nordic-inspired spots that just fueled the soul!

This is what I look for: cozy or unique cafes with exceptional coffee, swimming spots (or town beach) by lakes, public gardens, and walks around cute town centers or residential roads.

2. High Arts Dates

On our date day, we went to listen to the Boston Symphony Orchestra at Tanglewood in Great Barrington, MA, while picnicking on the grass fields. I wondered why we would both choose something like that: if you think about it, it’s not necessarily something very exciting. And almost unanimously, we said: “because it’s good for the soul.” High arts elevate you; they are slow to create and slow to consume. They calm and clear the mind.

For your next date, try a classical concert, an art gallery, a museum, a play, a dance performance or a tour in a historical building—and see how it makes you feel.

3. Why cultural literacy matters as much as academics

There’s one key reason behind our appreciation for high culture. I realized both of our parents loved the arts and exposed us to it a lot, even at young ages. There’s a Finnish parenting philosophy of “cultural literacy,” which calls us to expose our kids to the arts, so that they can better understand the world around them and value and converse about the arts. Even daycare centers join in on this task: in Finland, my son toured the theater museum and saw a play a couple of times.

I have taken my three boys to a classical Independence Day concert in Helsinki twice now, and I don’t regret it—but it was stressful; it was an educational mission. I also found shorter introductory ballet performances for kids, and art museums work if you take kids one at a time and focus on one exhibition.

Don’t try this during your summer reset, but this fall, try introducing your child to one type of high art—the point is not for them to enjoy it right now, but to experience it.

4. Why I think we all need a life coach if we live in the US?

And in other intensive parenting cultures. One of the benefits of having a life coach for me is to stop myself from succumbing to the comparison and hustle culture all around me. This is easier to do in Finland, and I love having the feeling “I’m good enough just as I am” literally just permeating in the air. Here I have to try harder; it doesn’t just land on me. My coach has changed several times over the years, but my current coach just said something so simple, but so earth shattering, that it has radically changed what I do with my time:

Every time you say “yes” to something, you say “no” to something else.

5. I have started saying “no” a lot more.

This has made such a difference in how I feel at the end of the day. If I ask myself, “did I spend this day how I wanted and intended to? Rate it on a scale 0-10?” The closer it is to ten, the better I was at my “yes” and my “no”.

There are a million and one things we as parents feel like we should do even though it is not on our wish list—how we would like to live that day—when you frame it like this (Every time you say “yes” to something, you say “no” to something else), choices and answers to others’ requests from kids to grown-ups become easier. I urge you to try this!

I’m so curious to hear what you choose to say “yes” or “no” to after you mull over this: let me know in the comments!

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6. The antidote to “fomo”

I’m not sure if this trend is happening around you, but it seems like everyone in my town has gotten into mahjong. I have no interest in it. Right now. Why? Because if I said “yes,” I’d say no to my other, more important priorities.

However, saying “no” gave me a slight “fomo”.

I was recently at a pool with my boys where I knew a lot of people, but I couldn’t chat with anyone because the women were mid-game and I was splashing around with Jonas. First I thought, “I have outcast myself”.

But then I reframed and asked myself: “What did I set out to prioritize this summer?”

There’s a season for everything, and also, as you only have energy for so much: be very specific about what you do with the energy you have.

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Sweden’s Public Health Agency recently dropped new guidelines on screentime—and they are nothing like what you have ever heard from experts before.

Sweden now urges parents to put down the phone. Yes. Because it’s messing up our ability to be present with our kids.

Now, I love this guideline, but it’s easier said than done. Everything, literally everything, runs on apps, and so much of what we do requires us to check our phones. But who can check just the thing you were supposed to? Inevitably, you’ll find yourself scrolling…until your child says: “put the phone down!”

As you might know from my previous posts, I've been heavily restricting screens in our house, including removing all the boys’ iPads. It just wasn’t working for us. No matter what we tried to support reasonable use, they always kept causing battles, whining, and totally feral behavior after screen separation. I was done.

Then I realized that removing kids’ iPads didn’t help much because our entire house was filled with screens. There were the Google units, where we checked the weather, listened to the news, pulled up recipes, and asked questions. There were the TVs with the YouTube apps. There was an old iPhone that could be used with wifi. And there were my husband’s phone and mine. And our laptops, to which somehow the kids always figured out the passwords.

I hid them all over the place in the house, in shelves so high that there was no chance our kids could reach, and in drawers, under folded items, where they would never think to look. Each time, I found them back in use—and in turn now hidden by the kids, in their sheets basket, under their mattress, or behind books.

So in July, I took a large woven beach bag, walked through the house collecting every screen, and put it all in my car to drop them off to a friend’s house. On some days, if I leave my older kids home alone, I also take the TV remotes with me.

Free of most screens, my kids slowly started thinking of other things to do at home. But I was not. I was still checking my phone incessantly, unnecessarily, even without my notifications on. Now I needed to save myself from myself.

So, I recently got the Block, and via its app, I set it to block most of my apps at 5 pm, every single day. This means that if I want to, for example, check Instagram, I need to physically go to my desk, where I’m hiding the Block, and scan my phone over it to unblock the app, and then get on it—which is way too cumbersome and reminds me that I decided that this was better for my family and me.

This has resulted in so much freedom, more headspace, clearer thoughts, a much more focused, present mind. I would even dare say I’m happier.

So, Sweden’s public health agency is now saying, do this for your children: “Put your phone away when you’re with your child. Use it only if you need to, or when you’re using it together.”

But as a Finnish mom, I say: do it also for you.

Children are influenced by what we do. The more we heavy-scroll and use every excuse to check our phone, the more our kids do the same. And the more we allow ourselves to be addicted to just… what exactly? Let’s start living more in the real world.

Sweden also says the dining table and the bedroom need to be completely screen-free. So while I do make an exception for movies we sometimes watch together in our bed, I try not to take my phone with me to the bedroom (and find a “sleeping spot” for it), and I started putting my phone in a kitchen cabinet when I sit down to eat—even when I’m eating alone.

PS. There’s one huge caveat to this, with the schools that my kids are going to. Both the elementary and middle schools issue the kids Chromebooks. This is nuts, and it messes up—everything. I will need to return the Chromebooks to the boys when the school starts.

You can’t set any parental controls on a school-issued laptop (or at least I have not figured it out), and the restrictions are extremely weak and easy for kids to bypass. I know, for a fact, that numerous kids play Minecraft on it—though whether it’s in class, I don’t know. I know it happens while “doing homework”.

I want to ask my kids to leave their laptops at school and to not do homework on a computer—but it’s all on the computer.

Sweden has started reversing its school laptop and tablet policies and reducing digital tools, after it became clear that they had a disastrous effect on kids’ learning: falling literacy and math results, and the 2022 PISA finding that a quarter of Swedish 15- and 16-year-olds had no basic reading comprehension. This new “back-to-basics” curriculum and full move to physical textbooks and pen and paper will take full effect by 2028. (Not everyone agrees, especially the tech industry in Sweden).

But I do. I think it’s time to move “från skärm till pärm” — from screen to binder, as the Swedish Prime Minister Kristersson said.

Would you agree—and are you also so done with the school Chromebook?

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I am so excited to share this one with you.

Today’s post is a collaboration with Madison — known as DJ Mad Bad Ting with a motherhood Substack (subscribe to Mad Bad Tea!). She’s a creative director in luxury fashion, a DJ, and a content creator, with a 22-month-old son.

When I first came across her writing, what struck me was how much her approach to motherhood echoes what I talk about here: letting go of perfection, trusting your instincts, and raising kids with a more back-to-basics approach—even though she is a globe-trotting American-Italian DJ based in Paris.

And, perhaps most importantly, I was moved by how Madison talks about all the things modern moms struggle with—as all I can think of, when I keep on reading, is how much I relate to that when I’m in the US, and how I don’t when I’m in Finland— because Nordic moms don’t have those challenges. There are entire countries that figured out solutions, took action, and stayed the course. Without those realities, we should not rise to the occasion; we should dramatically lower the bar—which is what Mad and I both talk about.

Now, Madison’s road to motherhood wasn’t the one she planned. She fell in love, got engaged, got pregnant — and then, due to domestic violence during her pregnancy, became a completely solo parent just 14 days postpartum. The motherhood she’d imagined disappeared, but what she built instead is honest, inspiring, and unconventional, and I wanted her raw, unfiltered voice on how we can lighten the load on Scandi Class.

1. What’s a parenting rule you skip in your house that would horrify your former pre-kid self?

My biggest parenting rule is actually to let my son be. I take a pretty hands-off approach. I don’t feel the need to constantly correct, entertain, or teach him. If he decides a cardboard box is a hat, then it’s a hat. I’m down!

I was over-parented as a child, and it turned me into a perfectionist. I spent years believing there was always one “right” way to do things. That I needed to be perfect to be enough. I don’t want that for my son.

I want him to trust his imagination, creativity, and his own perspective. More than anything, I care about the emotional environment he grows up in. My goal isn’t to raise the highest-achieving kid in the room; it’s to raise an emotionally healthy, happy, kind, well-rounded human. And hey, if he becomes very successful, that’s a fabulous bonus too! And as a high achiever, I am shocked that it is my biggest priority as a mom.

Annabella: This sounds so Nordic! Kids are kids and the best teacher is… life!

2. What’s your weekday-morning trick to thrive?

I know everyone hates this answer… but it’s waking up at 4:30 a.m.

I’m naturally a morning person, so as long as I’m asleep by 9 p.m., those three quiet hours before my son wakes up completely change my day. I can work, shower, answer emails, and get ready before he opens his eyes. Literally, a whole life is lived before he wakes up.

By the time he’s awake, my attention belongs to him instead of my never-ending to-do list.

Annabella: I feel strongly about early mornings too! Though for me it’s often 5 or 5:30am, and my oldest tends to get up by 6am. It’s the most peaceful time to have silence and solitude before the day gets going. In Finland, parents who have early risers still want to protect that time: I was told I need to teach my kids that “mom is not available until she puts her coffee cup down, because everyone has the right to drink their coffee hot and read the news in peace.” I tried it when my youngest was 4 and couldn’t believe I had not done this before!

3. What does your kid do independently that surprises people?

He’s only 22 months (so almost 2), but independence has always been something I’ve encouraged.

He throws away his own diapers, puts away his toys and shoes, feeds himself, brushes his teeth (I usually do a quick finish at the end!), helps get himself dressed, and absolutely loves looking through books on his own.

One thing that surprises people most is how well he plays independently. He can happily entertain himself with books, Legos, or even invent games by himself for quite a while.

Every morning he also enjoys about 30–45 minutes in his crib with a milk, a few stuffed animals, and a book before he’s ready to start the day. I think we both appreciate a little quiet personal time in the morning.

Annabella: In Finland, we follow a philosophy of not interrupting children when they play or focus on something: not commenting, not to asking questions, not even looking in that direction. The idea is that play is meditative and when they are in the flow, they likely don’t get back into it if you interrupt it. The more kids get to play in the flow, the longer times they stay in the flow.

4. What’s one parenting expectation you’ve decided to care less about?

The mess. And I mean that both physically and psychologically.

I don’t hide the messy parts of my life. I don’t care if my house looks perfectly tidy or if my life looks perfectly put together. I don’t care if you think it’s weird that I’m a solo mother or if my son wants to wear a mismatched outfit.

I grew up in an environment where everything had to look perfect: the family, the house, the outfits, and the photos. I don’t want my son growing up with that kind of pressure. My son is watching me rebuild, and I think that’s valuable. I’d much rather he learn resilience than believe successful people never struggle or that life has to look perfect for other people.

I want him to understand what it means to be human. To know that life is messy sometimes, people make mistakes, and rebuilding is part of life. The mess and chaos often birth something beautiful, like him. He was born in a messy moment. He is the beauty that emerged from the chaos.

That’s something I think the years I’ve spent living in France have heavily influenced me, where I’ve noticed there’s often less pressure to perform perfection and more acceptance of simply living and being you.

As for using the term “solo mom” instead of “single mom”—I refuse to carry language that was built to excuse men and diminish mothers. I refuse to let someone else’s absence become more important than my presence.

5. What’s your “I’m done for today” parenting move?

As a solo parent, I don’t get to fully clock out ever, unfortunately. But when my son is acting completely out of character, he’s usually either exhausted or overstimulated.

If it’s nap time or bedtime, I put him in bed with his stuffed animals, a milk, and some calming music. Nine times out of ten, he wakes up as his happy little self.

If sleep isn’t the answer, I try changing the energy instead of escalating it. I’ll make a silly voice, start dancing, or turn whatever’s happening into a game. I try not to escalate the emotional crisis.

One of the biggest lessons motherhood has taught me is that my son mirrors my energy. If I’m dysregulated, he usually is too. The more I’ve learned to regulate myself, the more I’ve seen him learn to do the same.

Annabella: I love that you talk about it because moms are often made to feel guilty for regulating their own nervous systems—as if “me time” was a luxury. In Finland, there’s this concept of intentional silence, “hiljaisuus”. It took me such a long time to realize how much I need it, especially as the noise in my home is often cacophonic with three boys. Now I carefully plan either solo time at home or I take short solo trips (like little writing retreats) to regulate my nervous system.

6. What’s one shortcut or simple system that makes family life noticeably easier?

I try to build independence into our everyday routines instead of doing everything for him, which I’ve noticed has made him a very confident toddler.

Whether it’s throwing something in the trash, putting away toys, helping get dressed, or brushing his own teeth, those tiny moments add up.

It makes life easier for me as a solo parent, but more importantly, it gives him confidence. He genuinely believes, “I can do things myself,” and I love watching that confidence grow.

Annabella: I have to tell you, when your son grows a bit, Paris has these playgrounds where you can drop your kids off — there is supervision, but kids are not hovered over — while you go sit down for coffee or get a glass of wine! Such a great example of trusting that kids can be independent, do things on their own, in a safe place. In Finland it’s one step further—kids are just trusted to be very capable. You see even seven-year-olds roam the playgrounds and meet friends solo. And it all starts with this confidence in yourself:-)

We tend to think of "hands-off" parenting as passive, but it is actually a whole philosophy behind creating a “can-do” home. And it’s what Nordic families are made of: everyone does what they are capable of—without unnecessary burnout, overwhelm, and anxiety. Hustling is not prized; wellbeing is.

For more letters on amazing moms lowering the bar, hop here.

And because no one needs an easy August more than moms, here are 100 ways to make it happen:

If you enjoyed this, stick around! A weekly fall line-up is coming to help us head into autumn and back-to-school like the Finns. Subscribe below if you haven’t already.

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Finland is a type of utopia when it comes to family policies and the general ease of raising children there:

To name a few benefits, Finnish moms get a free baby box for each child (a year’s worth of free high-quality clothing and necessary items for the baby), Finnish parents get 14 months of paid leave combined, plus moms get 40 days of paid leave before birth, maternal care is free, pediatric care is mostly free, and quality daycare comes with a minimal cost. Working hours and culture make combining kids and a career a breeze (at least compared to the US), and cities and towns are built so that even young children can play, roam, and go from place to place independently and freely.

Yet Finland’s birth rate is now lower than in 1776—since records began—at 1.25 children per woman, one of the lowest rates in Europe. Why?

Many of you who follow my Instagram account asked me to write about this.

My unhinged theory is that we can’t think of family policies affecting birth rate; they lead to a much better motherhood and childhood experience. They matter, and we need them. But whether women want kids at all, just one kid or more than one kid, is a totally different matter altogether.

I actually had several other theories first, but Finnish women debunked them. “No, that’s not it”. Then, as I kept asking more questions and had more conversations, a new theory emerged. I asked Finnish women on my Instagram if it rang true to them, and several women replied “precisely”:

“Do you think part of the reason for this low birth rate is that in Finland, women can really have it all and now want even more of that?

In Finland, you can balance both a career and children, without sacrificing one or the other. You can have your own time, your hobbies, and time with your partner. You can choose how you spend your resources. And now, Finnish women want even more of that.

They want to choose what their lives look like, and how they use their time and their resources—and this might not include more than one child, and for some it might not include children. No matter how much Finnish dads share the load or how equal the society is, it’s still the moms who have to carry the bigger load: they carry the child. Having children is a lot of work and it’s an intense responsibility, and there’s no way around it.

When you have kids, you also say no to a lot of other things. You have to. Unless you somehow completely outsource parenting, which in Finland is not a thing.

Spending two decades spearheading a bigger family might not be what many Finnish women want now. And it’s their right to have that choice.

How do we feel about the fact that it is not individual women’s responsibility to keep the birth rate up? And that no matter how much some of us might say “it’s worth it!!” everyone can choose for themselves.

One study suggests that the reason for the low birth rate is that Finnish women start having kids later, and don’t have as many kids as they wished for. But there’s no solution to that either: if these women did not want that responsibility at a younger age—or to feel the general exhaustion of motherhood when they were educating themselves, building their career, and taking advantage of new opportunities (or using extra income on things they wanted to do, like travel)—you can’t advocate for them to choose that exhaustion or to say, “just go ahead! You can push for all your goals and dreams with babies, too” because we all know what day to day is like with young kids.

My last part of this unhinged birth rate theory is that we are focusing on the wrong sex. After listening to countless Finnish women’s dating stories (both younger women and those looking for a new relationship after divorce or separation—and who are open to more kids), I think we have had the whole conversation backwards.

The rest of this theory is for the Scandi Circle, the paid subscribers, partly because I want to have this conversation somewhere a little more protected than the open internet. Join in. It also unlocks the 100 Ways to Do Nothing summer guide, the whole Scandi Library too, workshops with Nordic-inspired experts, and all the paid sections and how-tos for the next year:

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Pic from summer ‘24 archives

Hi!

First, this is the first summer with school-age children when I’m not counting down to September. It is not because I scheduled this summer better, or organized more fun things, or did some awe-inspiring travel.

It’s because I interviewed over a dozen Finnish moms (and a teacher) to understand how Finns really do summer, and followed their advice. So far, it’s been the best summer since I became a mom. If you too are craving more ease, it’s all this post below, in case you missed it:

The first part of that guide is free to read. The full 100 and the printable are for the Scandi Circle, the paid tier.

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Now, let’s get into the 10!

1-3. Top notes to inspire your mom friends this summer

Before anything else — I pulled a few of my favorite recent Substack Notes that really resonated with you. Screenshot the one you love, and text it to the mom who needs it!

4. Why I’m still saying “no” to sleep-away camps

Almost everyone around me ships their kids off for two weeks, a month, or even longer— even as young as third graders. And even though moms keep persuading me, I still feel like: “No, I’m not going to hop on that bandwagon.” Maybe it’s because in Finland, partly due to parents’ long summer vacations, kids don’t typically even do day camps.

The Finnish philosophy is that kids need to relax and recharge over the summer, and for that they need you and their home (at least at night, even if they are playing with friends all day). Even fun camps are stressful and taxing when you count in the separation, new grown-ups, new friends, and new routines.

“But Annabella, these sleepaway camps offer kids exactly what you talk about: independence, freedom, and roaming in nature!” many moms tell me.

Sure, but I think kids can get that without the long separation, too—and let’s be honest, without the astronomical price tag that I personally would much rather use for our Finland trips.

I also feel like the tween years are so fleeting, and that this is the moment when I can influence my kids the most by doing things with them and learning who they are shaping up to be—especially now that we can actually do and enjoy similar things.

Soon, they’ll be taller than me, and I can’t get this time back. They can go on their sleep-away camps when they are 18:-)

PS. Finland also has sleep-away camps, but they tend to be 2-6 nights long, often for less than $200.

5. No screens for me after 5 pm

While I have been battling my kids’ incessant focus on screens (I’m in the midst of writing a whole separate post on this and the new Nordic guidelines, for the start of the school season), I realized that I, too, was always checking screens (my phone).

I also noticed how hard it was for me to be present, how my mind was always wandering, and how my boys started policing my screen use in return. I decided to take drastic measures and got the Block. It’s an app where you control when and what you block on your phone—I set it to ban most of my apps starting at 5 pm. I need the actual physical device shaped like a block to unblock the apps, and I hid it by my desk to make it extra cumbersome. You could also set parental controls on your own phone. It’s truly game-changing!

Would you try this?

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6. The parenting tip we all get that I believe is completely wrong

“Spend fifteen minutes of one-on-one quality time with each kid daily, just joining in on what they do.”

I mean—who came up with that? With three kids, it’s never going to happen. And, no, I won’t join in on the backflips on the trampoline. And none of the other kids would ever let a brother have mom to himself at home anyway.

This one has never worked for us and it never will. So, I threw it out and went with the Finnish parenting philosophy instead: “do what works”.

What that looks like—and the three one-on-one adventures that have been pure heaven this summer— is on the other side.

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“Somehow, we’ll survive this.”

“Whenever I have a free week for the kids, I lose my mind.”

“I don’t have plans for two weeks of the summer. Wish me luck.”

Over the last three weeks, since my kids’ summer breaks started, I have heard these exclamations countless times. Everyone is still exhausted from the insanity that was the end-of-school season, overtired, and beyond. Both parents and kids are in desperate need of a total reset.

Personally, I was so frazzled in June that I swore: if I saw one more email or reel about how moms need to model emotional regulation for their children, how we must carefully choose our words and our moments to help our children through behavior that's going totally sideways, all while showcasing inhuman patience and understanding—it was going straight into the trash. “I'm sorry, but I don't have that in me right now.” Send it to dad.

I knew I needed to find a way to emotionally regulate myself before I could truly start summer and actually enjoy it. And then I accidentally ended up on a Finnish-style vacation in Vermont, and I transformed in front of my own eyes.

This five-day trip completely changed the way I look at summer.

In the US and in other intensive-parenting cultures, we either send our kids away for the summer to sleep-away camps—even at very young ages—or organize a rotation of day camps for the entire summer. Then we add after-camp activities and sports, and spend any free weeks traveling.

When I suggested a get-together, two moms told me in early June that they don’t have one free weekend all summer: every single one was fully booked. Summer has somehow become more hectic than the school year, when we at least hold onto some kind of routine.

Coaxed by my friends in Connecticut when we moved here, I tried this type of nonstop summer, too. The promise was that I’d finally have free time—for my work and for myself. Instead, I spent countless hours filling out medical forms and camp releases, printing daily packing lists that changed from camp to camp, arranging drop-offs and pickups at different times in different places, and giving up my Sundays to schedule and set up the week ahead. I also made the grave mistake of signing one of my sons up for an after-camp sport. Now my summer weeknights were spoken for, too. It was the worst summer ever.

I clearly hadn’t. So, what would a Finnish mom do differently?

After Midsummer, it’s basically illegal for Finnish parents to add any logistics or admin to their plates. Their job, exactly like the kids’, is to recharge and to experience as much freedom with their time as they possibly can. It sounds utopian. But my week with two of my boys in Vermont showed me it could actually be done—and it inspired me to build my own adaptation of the Finnish Mom Way at home in Westport.

So, what you are about to get here, at Scandi Class, is not another Guide on how to manufacture a perfect summer or how to perfect parenthood or my biggest pet peeve: “how to make memories”—you are getting something completely unique.

Something that I’m willing to bet is one of the biggest reasons Finland keeps topping the list of the happiest countries in the world, and why Finns love summer so passionately.

We can’t replicate exactly what the Finnish parents and kids do, or hand our children the same type of freedom. But you and I can use this as inspiration and create systematic change to how we do summer.

100 Ways to Do Nothing This Summer aka Moms’ Summer Survival Guide

A taste before the full 100:

A Finnish preschool teacher told me that one ordinary day, her group went in and out of the building through the window instead of the door. No reason. Just to see. And the strangest thing happened: the dawdling stopped. The kids couldn’t get to the next thing fast enough, because the ordinary thing had been made new, for the cost of nothing at all.

That’s the whole guide, really. We can do less, and get so much more back.

So, whether you have tots or teens, this is what I collected for you. A hundred small permissions to do less — pulled from real Finnish mothers who answered my questions on Instagram, plus a daycare manager who plans outdoor play for a living, plus a fifteen-year-old who told me the truest line in the whole guide (you’ll find her near the end).

Here is everything you get inside 100 Ways to Do Nothing This Summer:

• All 100 ways, grouped so you can find what fits today — the backyard, the kitchen, the neighborhood, the bored Tuesday, the hottest day of the year.

• Sorted across every age, from a one-year-old with a bucket of water to a bored teenager — including the in-between years nobody writes guides for.

• Reported, not invented — straight from Finnish mothers and one daycare professional. Then adapted so each one is doable even where kids and parents don’t have the freedom the Nordics take for granted.

• A printable one-pager to pin to the fridge — so you can read it once, close the laptop, and easily pick from “the nothing” options.

• The reframe itself, which is the real product: permission to stop performing summer, and truly, fully enjoy it!

Who is this Guide for?

• If you’ve ever filled out a camp form at 11pm, scrambled to pack new things for a new camp every Monday morning, stressed over pickups, and wondered whose life this is — this one is for you.

• If you feel like summer is supposed to be so enjoyable, but you just can’t feel it (yet).

• If you can’t find any kindred spirits where you live, and want to see how someone else does it. (That someone is me — and I’ll be your kindred spirit.)

If there were ever a moment to join the Scandi Circle and the like-minded parents already inside it, it’s this one. You get this Guide and the printable, all the paid letters with my most personal stories and detailed how-tos, workshops with Nordic-inspired experts, and the full Scandi Circle Library (take a peek here).

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Already a paid subscriber and part of the Scandi Circle? It's all below — and thank you for making this work possible. A huge hug!

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I was not going to share this—the key reason most Finns have such a recharging summer—because, for the longest time, I could not figure out how you and I could replicate it in the US and beyond.

But then, completely out of the blue, it happened. For the first time in the US, a long-lost yet familiar feeling crept up on me. It was so magical that I now want to shout this from the rooftops: I dare you to completely rethink what you should do, or where you should go on summer vacation to get this feeling.

So, what is this feeling?

First, I’ll warn you, it is addictive. Once you experience it, it feels so good that you want it again and again. You can’t wait for it.

It’s the feeling Finns seek by traveling to their basic summer cabin, somewhere remote in the woods, ideally by a lake—some even without running water. If you are following Finns on social media, you see even President Stubb posting photos of his blissful stays on his off-the-grid lodge on an island in the Finnish archipelago, doing basic things like brooming his wooden front porch.

Chasing this feeling is the opposite of everything we have been sold about making memories this summer. So why would you want this? Because it’s the opposite of manufacturing memories; it’s about becoming so present that memories of those moments imprint in your mind—forever.

Of course, the challenge is that none of us have a remote forest cabin. But I promise, I now know it’s not about the place. It’s more about combining several elements, which I accidentally did in late June, when I took my two oldest boys, Lucas, 12, and Miles, 10, to Vermont for a week.

Before we go further—if you're new here, Scandi Class is where I write about Nordic-Inspired Parenting, including raising present, resilient kids in a hyper-connected world, one real-life experiment at a time. If that's useful to you, subscribe for free and get the next one in your inbox.

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We drove 4.5 hours north, making a couple of stops along the way, to a nearly deserted ski town Killington, where, to my shock, every coffee shop except one was closed, and where the restaurants, with few exceptions, opened only for the weekend. Luckily, a mini-sized grocery store with the basics was open.

I had booked us a room in a 180-year-old, red, two-story farmhouse flanked by the Kent Pond, the Appalachian Trail, and the Gifford Woods State Park, and even if it was a hotel, it felt more like an intimate cabin.

On the first morning, at 6 am, as I sat alone on the wood-blank porch, in my PJ pants and a sweater, with a cup of hot coffee, watching as steam rose over the pond and a pair of groundhogs waddled and galloped in the grass, this feeling slowly started setting in. First a big sigh, then peace.

I didn’t even need a meditation app; my phone was turned off. Just gazing at nature, in silence and solitude, completely quieted my mind.

Over the next five days, as I was worked on a chapter in my new book on that same porch, covered by a blanket and drinking warm mint tea (the temperature was much cooler in Vermont), the boys were in a camp (that they had looked towards for months), and every afternoon, we adventured together in nature until bedtime: kayaking, swimming, or running in the grass in the rain. Every day, during my self-imposed lunch break, I went to the hot sauna and then swam in the cold pond to clear my mind. And watched the groundhogs.

It sounds simple, so why is this level of peace of mind, this level of contentment, this level of fulfillment so hard to replicate?

I started thinking about the elements that caused this feeling, and how we could find them or recreate them almost anywhere we are. And I came up with this list:

• Radical disconnection: the idea is to escape the urban life, its schedules and responsibilities, and the need to be available to connect with anyone who messages you, for business or personal purposes. This also includes the radical disconnection of your city self: titles or status or anything that rates or ranks you in any way ceases to exist. You return to the core you: the person you are without all of that; nothing else matters.

  

• Simple, Active Rituals and Routines: Simple, stress-free routines and wellness rituals shape the day—for me, this was coffee outside at sunrise, sauna and lake swim during lunch time, unplanned nature activities with kids in the evening right on the property. We hardly left the property (beyond the boys’ camp and picking up dinner to go on our way back), and we did one single booked activity that whole week: one after-camp ride on a mountain roller coaster.

• Connection with Nature & The Present Moment: In a world that’s so noisy and busy, it’s hard to overstate what silence and solitude, and real-life nature sounds, do to you. The key is to ban other distractions before they happen: I turned my phone off while the kids were in camp, checked it briefly in the afternoon, and then, using the Block, made most apps inaccessible (besides Facetime, which I used to call my youngest son), after the kids got out of camp. I didn’t take any screens on the trip, and I even hid the TV remotes in the room. It was just the nature, and just us.

  

• Plain Socializing: Remove the need to keep up appearances for the sake of appearances. Repeat clothes, forget makeup, and don’t even turn on the hair dryer; aim for the “sauna fresh” look. And certainly skip changing kids’ clothing for stains. They are badges of honor: a day well played.

None of this required a passport, a trust fund, or a cabin in the Finnish woods. It required turning my phone off, trusting that simple is better, and letting a week (outside of camp) be “boring” on purpose. And it was so enjoyable!

That’s the whole secret. Not the location. Nothing fancy. Just: radical disconnection, simple rituals, real nature, and permission to look a little rough around the edges (or to wear a baseball cap to cover your daily sauna hair;-).

You might not have five days or the ability to even find or stay at a farmhouse by a pond or lake. But we all, most likely, have a weekend and we can choose how we spend it. Doing what it takes to feel like we are exactly in the right place, at the right time, doing exactly what we are supposed to, and that we are just enough and have just enough.

So here’s my dare: this weekend, turn your phone completely off. Not “do not disturb”—off. Hide it. Then go do something active, outside, in actual nature: beach, forest, mountain, anything. Hike, swim, kayak, build a fire, chase your kids around a field in the rain or with a water blaster, and then make ice cream cones and eat them at sunset. Let the kids do something on their own, and relax, read, write, gaze at the clouds. Nothing scheduled, nowhere to be, nowhere to go.

And if you try to cheat on the no-phones rule to capture a memory, stop— try an old school method instead. Besides the photos here and the videos of my boys on their ski camp, I documented our Vermont adventures with a Polaroid camera (on the days I had remembered to charge it)—not for anyone else but for my family and me.

Please tell me in the comments: what could your version of radical disconnection look like this weekend—and is there something that’s stopping you from trying it? Let’s brainstorm some peace and quiet for you together!

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I have some news. Big news.

But first, I want to tell you something I don’t think I’ve ever said quite this directly here at Scandi Class.

I moved here chasing a media career, and for a little while, after I was able to establish myself, it felt like the American dream. Then I became a mom, and my American dream quickly turned into my American nightmare.

When you grow up in the Nordics, you don’t realize that all the basic things around you, like a nearly year-long paid maternity leave and the fact that you never have to worry about childcare or how you combine and actually balance work and family, are not actually self-evident elsewhere. You also can’t fathom how intense the parenting culture is, and how many things, chosen and not, are on moms’ plates or considered a mom’s job. It can all take you by surprise, and be such a shock that you don’t know what hit you.

I burned out. Completely. At one of my rock bottom moments, I had so many random symptoms that no doctor or wellness professional I saw could figure out what to do with me or what was happening. For instance, the bottoms of my feet were suddenly covered in “paper cuts” that would not heal, even though I hadn’t stepped on anything sharp. I couldn’t feel any emotion: nothing good, nothing bad. I was like an empty, numb shell crumbling to pieces. For a couple of years, I thought moving to the US was the biggest mistake of my life — a mistake I couldn’t reverse.

Then, in the fall of 2022, I went back to Finland for a semester—and it felt like I had taken a rocket ship to another planet. All I could think of was:

It became clear to me that parenting was not supposed to be this exhausting, this intense, this hard. And quite unbelievably, as weeks went by, it felt like the clouds parted, my head cleared, most of my physical symptoms vanished, and I started feeling deep contentment. I even started writing again—something I hadn’t been able to do for a long time.

If you made it here, tap the ♡ at the end of the post — it means the world, it’s the best way to tell me you stopped by, and it helps this reach more moms like you.

But then the time came to leave. It wasn’t an option to fully move back. So I asked myself: what if I tried living like a Finnish mom, in the US? Surely, it was my birthright to live like the happiest people on earth—I was born one of them. But what’s more, I realized, it wasn’t just my right. It should be yours, too: Finland holds no patent forbidding us from adapting the best secrets of Nordic parenting into our lives, anywhere we live.

So, I started sharing it all with you — on this Substack, and on Instagram. Finnish parenting literally changed my life. And it might change yours, too.

Now, the news.

I have just sealed my first American book deal — with HarperOne, a publishing imprint of HarperCollins, one of the most respected publishers in the world. I will be working with Gabriella Page-Fort, an executive editor known for publishing New York Times bestselling work “that expands our understanding of ourselves and the world”.

I now know why I ended up on this motherhood journey. Coming here wasn’t the biggest mistake of my life, after all. I believe this book is what all of it was for.

This is the mock-up cover I had created for the book proposal (ignore the tea cup with two handles:-). I get to work with an illustrator for the real cover.

Now here’s what I want from you.

As I write this book this summer and fall, I want you to be part of it — not just as a reader, but as a real voice. I’m personally reaching out to a small group of readers to hop on a short phone call with me. I want to hear about your life: what motherhood actually feels like for you, what you’re exhausted by, what you’re dreaming of. This informs what I will write about, and you can also be an inspiration to others—you can show how you have adapted these Finnish parenting philosophies in your own life.

If you’d be open to a short call, comment on this post, say “hi!”, and tell me a little about yourself and where you are in your motherhood journey. I’ll reach out personally.

Scandi Class is where I’ll be sharing the behind-the-scenes journey of writing this book — and the weekly insights of Finnish wisdom you have come to love, and all the chaos of doing this while raising three boys in Connecticut—like a Finnish mom.

The main concepts are always free, but I also have a much deeper layer, the Scandi Circle—the paid section at the end of most newsletters, the detailed how-to’s, the guides, and my most personal stories I’d never share on the public internet. The Scandi Circle also gives access to the full library: the Finnish meal philosophy that made dinner easy, the independent kitchen system, the radical declutter guide for a beautiful, low-maintenance home, the SISU reset for moms, live workshops with Nordic experts, and the upcoming Summer Guide.

The book is being written right now. This is the only place you’ll be inside it as it happens. If you’ve been on the fence, now is the moment. Annual subscribers get the limited-time Midsummer discount:

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I’m so glad you’re here. Please make sure to comment below to say “hello!” so I can “meet” you—I’ll reach out personally for the phone chats!

I admit: after I moved to the US, I have never had a truly Nordic summer. I see it on Instagram, I hear about it from my Finnish friends, and I witness my family doing it—even if sometimes just from photos shared on WhatsApp.

Every June, I say to myself, “What if I really tried to do it this time?” And then I somehow fail, pulled into maintaining the high standards of the day-to-day running of our lives, from family to work and everything in between, and wanting to feel like I’m moving forward in life. What’s worse, however, is that somehow, I also succumb to the pressure of trying to “make memories”.

In the Nordics, no one talks about that—or does that. Because you can’t manufacture a perfect moment: you can only be present in it, when it unexpectedly unfolds. This time around, I’m daring myself to truly try the summer the Nordic way—can I slow things down so much that we have more time to let these perfect moments unfold, without thinking what’s happening next, where we need to be or what we should do. Would you dare to try it too?

By the way, in a recent New York Times article, in the US they call this type of lightly scheduled or unscheduled summer “letting kids rot” or “rotting”. In the Nordics, they would call that “letting you and the kids thrive.”

The Key to a Great Summer

For the Nordics, the entire point of the summer season, which officially begins at Midsummer (June 24th, though it’s often celebrated the weekend before), is to take off pressure, not to add to it.

The idea is that kids don’t need extra-special activities, experiences, or enrichment or a new type of camp each week—or even that much supervision, depending on the age. They certainly don’t need “learning opportunities” unless they truly have a learning challenge or are truly “behind” and learn better at a slower pace in the summer.

The idea is also that you have less to manage. I hear many parents sign their kids up for multiple camps, so that each child has the best possible options just for them.

Anyone who has ever signed kids up for a camp in the US, and managed the related paperwork and logistics, different for each camp, knows what an astronomical workload that is. I also once made that mistake. That’s how people around me—the best moms—do it. The summer was unforgettable—in how stressful it was for me.

When I started creating my wishlist, along with my boys, for the ideal summer, what kept popping into my mind repeatedly was “peace and calm”. I have been longing for a more manageable, easy schedule, way less driving, way less emails, way less supervising, and way more time to be free and spontaneous. What topped our lists was paddleboarding, beach, pool, and going on a little boat.

This might sound crazy, but right now, if someone gave our family free tickets to Disneyland with comped airfares, promising the trip of a lifetime, I would be willing to pay not to go.

Instead, I would pay even big bucks to go hang out with the kids at firefly-filled forest at sunset. Luckily though, I wouldn’t even have to: it’s free.

Nordic Summer Stress Test

There’s no one way to do a Nordic summer, but the core principle is to lower the bar —not up it. You should do way less than you normally do, and be present way more than you normally can be, not just to your family but to yourself.

When you plan out your summer (unless you already planned it all), run things through “a Nordic summer stress test”:

• For things you are thinking of doing, ask: Will this help us recharge? Is this relaxing? Is this enjoyable?

• For things you want to commit to doing: How can I lower the bar on my responsibilities? What can I do less, or not at all, or outsource?

• For things that seem “mandatory”—are they really? Be bold. Make changes and create boundaries that serve you better in helping you revitalize this summer.

Nordics are masters of protecting and guarding their summertime, so no matter how you do your summer, what I hope you take away from this newsletter is that you can be a master of your own summertime, too.

How to Lower the Bar?

This is undoubtedly much easier to do in the Nordics, where 4-8 week paid summer vacations are typical and where it’s common for elementary-age kids to roam free with their friends, without much supervision. In the US and elsewhere, we need to be creative with this and ideate beyond the typical ways of doing less to achieve a Nordic-inspired summer. Here are a few thought starters:

• Schedule (way) less. And whatever you schedule, give yourself an out—in case, in that moment, you would rather just not do it: “this should work, but I have to play it by ear a bit!”

• Make playdates easy: send a group text, or have your child send it, whenever you are open for your kids to have company over: “We are having a free play afternoon for anyone who wants to come over!” Just remember to add a pick-up time, and ask that kids bring their own picnic-type food they can eat together in the backyard—I have learned that figuring out what 6-10 ravenous boys can eat and cleaning up afterwards is not adding to my “summer of ease”.

• Unless you love it, quit cooking for the family and get healthy, ready-made things by supporting your local organic stores or a farmer’s market

• Put kids in charge of more kid stuff—it could be everything from having them do one meal a day for themselves, like breakfast, or planning one day a week for themselves (a day of fun activities that doesn’t require you to drive them anywhere, or screen time)

• Put older kids in charge of younger kids, for you to get a break, for a reasonable amount of time.

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• If you are working outside the home or from home, or as a stay-at-home-parent, see if there’s any way to lessen the work load. Finns think recharging in the summer is critical for being successful and productive—and happy—for the rest of the year. This could be trying something wild at work, like asking for 50% workweek for 50% pay for a month or two, or seeing if you could outsource part of your work, or if you freelance, just work less during the summer months. It could also mean getting more help at home, such as hiring a college student on summer vacation as a mother’s helper or getting a housekeeper (I increased housekeeping help and hired a college student we know to support us part-time with various things we need help with). It could mean asking family to help out more with specific tasks, or dividing domestic responsibilities more with your partner. It could mean seeing if you and your parent friends could take turns hosting each other’s kids, almost like an at-home camp.

• If you travel, leave time to wander around and be spontaneous, and just enjoy the place like a local would enjoy it on a summer vacation—skip touristy activities, sightseeing, and cities

• If you are hosting people, make it less intense: order in dinners or have everyone join you in making dinner and cleaning up after dinner, and reserve some time for you to rest: it’s OK to say “I’m tired” and I gotta go to bed, let’s continue this fun next time. I literally just did that yesterday, hosting my mom and cousin. They were staying over, but I left them to enjoy the desert and went to sleep.

What Am I Doing?

As for me, I created ease by having all my kids go to the same camp for all the available 7 weeks— a camp that’s less than ten minutes from our house and offers lunch. It’s 9 to 2 pm, and consists of outdoor play and sports.

Nordics would never sign their kids for camps for this many weeks, but that’s why this is a “Nordic-inspired” idea. I, unfortunately, can’t send my kids to roam around our town with their friends, or play volleyball at the beach, or meet up at an ice cream bar—because you need to drive to those places.

This camp is as close as it’s going to get for my kids to hang “freely” with friends this summer, unless it’s at our or a friend’s backyard. Many of their friends are going to sleep-away camps, or are traveling, or are just as scheduled in the summer as during the rest of the year. On some weeks, camp is the only place to spend time with friends.

I set up group texts for free play afternoons (at our house or at their friends’)— which I have now handed over to my kids to manage. =

And as for work and projects, I’m doing more in advance, and then taking August off when kids have no camps. And you know what I have planned for it? So far, nothing. And it’s exactly how I want it. This way, I can spontaneously pick ideas from my personal wish list or come up with something completely new.

My Summer Wishlist:

Sunsets on the beach

Late afternoons on our porch, reading the kids a Muumin book

Paddle boarding on early mornings with one of my kids

Having my 11-year-old golfer take me out on the golf course to go play 3-6 holes (good amount for me!)

Go on a boat with my family and swim to little islands

Build a massive backyard fort from all the top sheets we never use, that I forgot to take to Goodwill

Help my 4 year old learn to swim

Read books and the newspaper (paper version)

Go to the firefly forest

Make rhubarb pie as often as possible

Make fresh salads from all the lettuces we planted

How do you create ease? What’s on your wish list?

To inspire others, and give more thought starters, drop a comment below!

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PS. I’ll soon be sending one of the best How-To Guides of the year: Moms’ Summer Survival Guide—100 Ways to Do Nothing for The Best Summer Of Your Life, inspired by how moms from the happiest country in the world, Finland, do it. So make sure to open your next email from me, and if you have friends who would love a new perspective to motherhood and who want to do more than “survive” this summer, now is a great time to share this newsletter!

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Sometimes I exhibit some random mom behavior that I can’t even explain to myself.

Where are these instincts and reactions coming from?

Then I came across a Finnish comedy account on Instagram, where the Finnish male comedian acted out everyday scenes, pretending to be a Finnish mom. I laughed out loud so hard. How was he sounding exactly like me? How is it possible I have said some of those things verbatim to my family, even though I started a family in the US, not in the Nordics? Some habits must just be in the genes.

This must also explain my inexplicable urge to get everything in my life and in my house in order before Midsummer. It’s a powerful turning point, launched by a celebration more sacred and important than any other.

That’s why it’s so critical to prepare for it as if your life depended on it—because in a way, it does. Not having unfinished business actually frees you up to have a summer of your (Nordic) dreams… meaning you can prioritize rest, relaxation, and recharging over anything else.

It’s really wild when you see what this looks like in real life. In the Nordics, midsummer officially kicks off the long summer vacation, and people literally just vanish afterward. Helsinki, the capital city, turns into a ghost town. Countless stores have signs on the door:

“See you in August! Enjoy your summer.”

No one will respond to anything, schedule anything, or organize anything. And all you can do, if you are there, is go along with it.

I have long dreamed of doing something similar here in the US. And, based on what I have heard from you, you are just as exhausted as I am and craving a day where no one needs anything from you and you can just lie on a floatie in a pool or lounge in a beach chair, and gaze at the clouds floating by.

To make this happen for you and for me, I’m working on a Moms’ Summer Survival Guide aka 100 Ways to Do Nothing for the Best Summer of Your Life Playbook! Subscribe now, if you haven’t already, so you don’t miss this:

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Now, let’s dive into the ten things. Here's what getting my life in order before Midsummer actually looks like:

1. I’ll let you know about my vanity project first, as it’s become trendy again to tell others online how ‘you have done nothing to your face'— even if Botox is now the single most popular cosmetic procedure on the planet. Seeing this, I want to let you know with Finnish authenticity exactly what I have gotten done. Of course, in preparation for glowing summer skin.

   This spring, I had a series of three microneedling appointments with IPL to reduce fine lines and brown spots at a dermatologist’s office. I also started using a prescription Estriol cream at night to rebuild collagen. Also, not sure if you noticed, but I’m keeping my bangs a teeny bit longer—bangs are the easiest non-toxic fix for any frown lines!

   

   

2. As for my makeup look for the summer, I don’t wear much—usually just a lip tint—when I’m not filming or going out for dinner. Instead, I have a regular appointment at a NYC salon for a lash lift, lash tint, and brow tint (sometimes with lamination). And, just like most Nordics, I love being tan (but will not fry my skin in the sun), so I get a spray tan on the regular for the summer months.

   What lipstick I wear in every reel and picture continues to be one of my most frequently asked questions, so I need to let you know it’s sadly discontinued. But, I did test a bunch of new ones: you will love these very similar tints I got to replace my favorite lipstick of all time. For the step-by-step, and all the products I use, why and when, hop over here:

   

3. In my home, I have now decluttered every single corner and closet, except my boys’ school and art projects from this past spring semester. I highly recommend you do this now, if you haven’t yet. You absolutely do not want to have any piles of stuff or extra work that will take you away from recharging this summer. Below is a link to the Guide on how to easily get started:

   I promise you that it will be a transformative thing to do! A beautiful, organized, low-maintenance home fuels good mental health, happiness, and creativity, both for you and the kids. If you don’t believe me, listen to Kiira, the Finnish master organizer, who just shared this on our recent Scandi Circle Live:

   If you are enjoying this so far, don’t forget to tap the heart-shaped “like” button at the end, it’s like saying “Hi! I was here!”

   

4. I dropped the ball on a LOT OF things this May and June. Prepping for the summer break took so much bandwidth—along with my writing and filming—that I simply could not remember, well, so many other things. But instead of feeling guilty, I realized how good it was for my family. Nothing fell apart, and, to my surprise, my older boys rose to the occasion, proving that we do not need to remember or do it all. If it’s their thing, they can remember and remind others of it, too. It’s a family effort! I’ll give you an example below.

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5. Both of my sons had a school orchestra concert. The first one I didn’t know about, because I hadn't read any school emails.

   “Mama! I have an orchestra performance tonight! You are coming, right?”

   “What? How did I not know? Ok. Of course. What time?”

   Sorted.

   I then got my other son’s performance on the calendar, but I forgot all about it. As I had not read any emails, I didn’t know the details. I just assumed it was exactly where it was the year before, and at the same time.

   “Mama! We gotta go!”

   “Now?!”

   “Yes!”

   “Ok. Ok. Let me change quickly.”

   “Noooo… we’ll be late!”

   “Well, you go first, I’ll come after.“

   “No, just come.”

   “Just one sec!…. ok let’s run!”

   “Mama! Where are you going? You want to walk?”

   “To your school? Yes, of course.”

   “It’s not there.”

   “No? Where is it?”

   “At my brother’s school.”

   “OMG. Omg. Get in the car, RUN!”

   “…Look, no one is even inside yet! Perfect timing.”

   Could it have been less chaotic? Of course. But I have given up on keeping up with every kid-related communication in the US. It’s too much. I do what I have bandwidth for, and my boys remember the most important things, and that’s enough.

   The lesson here is that we can’t juggle too many balls. We have to intentionally drop many of them, and focus on what only we can do—and actually let everyone else do what they are capable of. There’s no way to prepare for Midsummer without doing this — or create balance for the rest of the year.

   

6. We don’t have a basic, in-the-middle-of-nowhere lake house, like many Finns, for silence and solitude, so I created a little silence and solitude spot for myself, a little garden paradise, on the balcony of my bedroom. This is where I retreat when I need a little breathing space. I hope you create a little nook for yourself too!

   

7. I have kept an eye out for our roses and hydrangeas—that have bloomed just in time for Midsummer—to make flower crowns. This is how you can do them, along with baking a very Finnish cream strawberry cake (love this recipe; it’s in English with US measurements)!

   If you've made it this far, you're my kindred spirit. The next few things are ones I've written about before but always cut before publishing — they're more personal, a little messy, and the kind of thing I'd only tell a friend. We're talking the radical way I’m approaching graduations this week, an evening routine that actually works (for you too), and what I'm doing to set my son up for academic success next year (completely counterintuitive, I promise).

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Whenever I suggest this Finnish hack for an easier bedtime, to stop kids from wandering to your bed, and to get a little breathing room for yourself, I almost always get this one answer:

“That’s supposed to be intimate time, so no, we couldn’t do that.”

Do what, exactly?

Bedshare or co-sleep, or at least, let your kids fall asleep in your own bed, while you read or otherwise relax.

Having kids in your own bed has long been considered a fringe, perhaps even a hippie practice, in the US. It’s definitely considered to be an “alternative,” “hardcore attachment parenting” concept, and not typical. No pediatrician or sleep coach here ever says: “Let them come snuggle, and don’t worry about it.”

While there’s no clear data on this, US bedsharing rates hover around 20-25% according to a few surveys. In Norway, nearly two-thirds of parents bedshare. In Sweden, close to half. And in Finland, the practice is so normalized it has its own name — perhepeti, the family bed — and most Finnish parents end up doing it at some point, if not all the time. The consensus is that kids move to their own bed in their own room when they themselves feel ready and want to.

So this got me thinking, how on earth do Finnish parents keep intimacy alive? Can you have it both ways—easier parenting, and great sex? And, even though this might be TMI, I actually wanted these tips too.

And not just because we had no “intimate time” after kids went to sleep, because they were in our bed (at least until we transferred the tweens to their own beds, and our 5-year-old to his own bed in our room), but because, in my opinion, late evening is the worst time for so-called “spontaneous intimacy.” I, for one, am exhausted, want to be left alone with my Atlantic or New York Times Magazine, and once my PJs are on, they are not coming off. That said, especially as we recover from May, one of the most obligations-filled times for parents in the US (there’s even a term for it: “maycember,” as it’s considered as frenzied as December for moms), it would be good to make a more conscious effort to re-energize adult private time for the summer.

So I interviewed five Finnish families (one parent from each family) who felt their intimacy was on track about how to actually make it happen. I only lightly edited their replies so you get it all—no sugarcoating.

Sofia — blended family, toddler between them

We are a blended family. Every other week, my partner’s tweens live with us, and we also have a two-year-old son. He sleeps in our bed, because he hasn’t yet agreed to sleep in his own bed — and to be honest, I haven’t wanted to force it either. 🥹❤️

But I have to admit that we look forward to him sleeping in his own bed soon, so we can at least fall asleep close to each other in the evenings. Physical closeness has definitely decreased. I’m also often so tired that I crawl into bed next to the toddler by 10 pm.

We know this is just a phase. But if you let it completely fade away, it can take a long time to find that spark again. You still make your own choices about whether there is a sex life or not — and how much.

This is how we make it happen: We have taken staycations at a nearby hotel, and we take advantage of naptime. We also sometimes shower together when the youngest is already down for the night 🙃 We also optimize the lunch break when we both work from home and all the kids are at daycare and school — if we can get our minds off of work!

Touko — five daughters, somehow thriving

Honestly, with five daughters, ages 11, 9, 7, 4, and 1, we still have plenty of time for our relationship and sex life, but we set up our home so that it can also be a romantic place.

Our youngest usually sleeps with us for about a year, sometimes a bit longer, mostly because of breastfeeding and because small children need physical closeness to sleep peacefully.

For us, everything starts with balance in everyday life. The home can’t feel like constant chaos. The kids have a rhythm, and the atmosphere needs to be calm. When things are in order, there’s actually space left for your relationship.

This is how we make it happen: When the youngest naps on the weekends. And in the evenings, when the kids go to bed around 8 pm, there’s time for us. My advice is to keep the home organized, to make room for romance. Life feels so much lighter—and you have more bandwidth for intimacy—without constant chaos.

Ida — three kids, including a 15-month-old, and some weekend math

We have a 15-month-old, a 10-year-old, and a 17-year-old, so everyday life is constant scheduling.

The youngest starts the evening in his own bed, but we’ve found it easier to bring him in between 10 pm and midnight — then he doesn’t wake us up during the night.

It does take away from our closeness, and sometimes we’re both a bit irritable because of it. But we make up for it on weekends, when the youngest naps in their own bed and the older kids are often out with friends. Weekend naptime and playdate time (outside our house) are our intimacy time.

Small everyday gestures help. So does talking about things other than the kids. Sometimes it feels hard—but we remind ourselves that this is just a phase.

This is how we make it happen: We aim for at least once a week, though it depends on how much energy we have. Talking and connecting always helps with everything, and you have to remember that kids grow up. We say 'I love you' every day, and we don’t leave the house without hugs and kisses. And a little flirting in the middle of everyday life helps you get through it 😊

Susanna — the honesty we all needed

After the baby was born, shared time, relationship care, and sex became very minimal. A big part of it was that I was extremely tired and almost entirely responsible for both the child and the household. It became very hard to put energy into the relationship when I felt like I was carrying most of it on my own.

No advice here — just the truth. And honestly? Bedsharing isn’t what kills intimacy. Unequal mental and physical load does (and sometimes that happens even in Finland).

This is what I would have done differently: I would have addressed things earlier and not waited thinking ‘it’ll probably get better later’.

I didn’t understand back then that if communication isn’t working or if one person isn’t interested in sharing everyday life together, it doesn’t just fix itself. If I find a new partner now, it has to be clear from the start that I also need my own time and that household chores are shared.

In my previous relationship, I ended up so exhausted and overwhelmed with everything house and baby that sex just wasn’t what interested me. I enjoy sex and closeness, but not a man who only does housework for ‘pussy pay’—intimacy comes from both partners thriving in the relationship.

Cathy & Simon — 8 kids, and still going on dates

We are a Canadian-Finnish family with eight children, and I’ve co-slept with most of our babies, including our current 10-month-old. For us, co-sleeping has not been negative for our relationship — but it is a different phase of life.

Right now, I share the bed with the baby, and my husband sleeps in a separate bed— like a hotel with two beds. Postpartum hormones are real, and right now I’m not very interested in sex — but I know this is temporary.

Even with eight children, we still prioritize our relationship. We go on dates at least once a week, even if it’s just a walk and a smoothie.

Co-sleeping helps me sleep better, which makes me more rested, less stressed, and a better partner and mother. You just have to be intentional. Keep connecting, keep talking — and remember this phase is temporary. It’s just a short season in a long marriage.

This is how we make it happen: When the kids go to sleep, we do too… but first things first, lovey dovey style. We have two queen beds in our room, so even if the baby is deep asleep in the other, the other is free—and I’ll visit when we’re both in the mood. We lock the door just in case our other young ones wake up and wander in. We are quiet:-) We've had to stop a couple of times — if someone has a bad dream or something, or we need to settle the baby back to sleep.

So, does bedsharing kill intimacy?

No, not really. But it helps no one when we ignore the fact that both desire and the logistics of private time are more complicated when you have kids: young kids want to be close, and older kids stay up way too late.

It’s so good to recognize this phase of life as totally normal, and to set up your home (declutter, organize, lower maintenance) and your home life (equally shared and/or outsourced tasks) in a way that lessens couples’ overload and overwhelm, and makes it easier to get into the mood.

And here’s what I’m taking away from this:

• Especially in the US, we often accept an unequal split of house and kid-related work as fair. We think it’s fair for moms to take on more. We need to recognize that there’s nothing sexy in drowning in those chores: they are also a libido killer.

• As a couple, do evening routines and tasks earlier and simplify them, so that if you have any energy left after the kids are asleep, that energy goes towards each other instead

• Keep the house decluttered, organized, and as chaos-free as possible, especially when you want it to also be a house that entices intimacy

• “Spontaneous intimacy” is more fantasy than reality in a house full of kids: recognize when the opportunities happen and then take them

• Kid falls asleep in your room or bed; go to theirs.

• Weekend naptime or playdate outside of the house: that’s your cue

I also asked the bedsharing and co-sleeping moms in the US and beyond how they make it happen, via my Instagram stories, and this is what they told me:

Now, I‘d love to hear from you! Where do your kids sleep—and how do you create bandwidth for intimacy? Any real-life tips help us all create more realistic and practical ways to make it happen.

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Did this resonate? Forward it to the friend who’s wondering how intimacy will ever return. Or someone who’s thinking about cosleeping or not:

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Want more of this? Stick around and join the Scandi Circle! That’s where I take it way deeper — you’ll have access to my entire Scandi Circle Library of premium content, including my guides and workshops.

Scandi Circle will also be the first to get my upcoming 100 Ways to Do Nothing This Summer — a guide to truly resetting and recharging like the Nordics. Coming soon!

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Last week, I hosted a live Zoom workshop for the Scandi Class Inner Circle with my favorite Finnish master organizer, Kiira Keto. Her Instagram feed of stunningly organized spaces with “just enough” items feels soul-soothing. Her work is the perfect blend of Nordic simplicity, design, and sensibility, and I was so excited that she could take the time to answer your most pressing questions about how to reset the kids’s stuff in your homes!

In Finland, spring cleaning and decluttering are not dreaded chores. They can feel like a turning point. You open the windows, get rid of what winter piled up, and make the house easier to live in before summer vacation begins.

Less stuff means less mess and less to organize. And when everything has its own place, the people you live with — kids and even the husband — can finally find and put things back without you too.

The idea is that you clear your head along with the shelves. And the part I love most is the reward: the time you get back. No one wants to be organizing the play space when you could be sitting down to read a book at sunset.

I knew the idea resonated with you when my reel series on the Finnish way to tackle laundry piles went viral — and when my recent Substack post on decluttering kids’ stuff the Nordic way brought in more new subscribers than anything I’ve ever published. So I wanted to give this to you next: your real questions answered; your real spaces actually sorted.

The workshop recording is for the Scandi Circle (paid subscribers), but I want every one of you to walk away with this tip.

Don’t start by buying new storage. Start by choosing your child’s ten favorite toys and activities, with your child. Display only a few in labeled containers, ideally visible, to maximize creativity, independence and make cleaning up easy. And donate or sell what’s no longer a favorite, to declutter.

Inside, you'll get the full workshop replay, including Kiira’s exact rule for goodie-bags!

Scandi Circle also gets my monthly 10 Things Tuesday, the paid section at the end of most letters — where the most personal stories and the practical how-tos live — and seasonal workshops like this one. It's the closest corner of Scandi Class, and you'll find all of it in the Scandi Class Inner Circle Library.

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What if I told you that Jess Keys—of the popular Substack Notes From Jess—does not give her four-year-old an iPad in the car? That she ate a Valentine’s Day sucker for “breakfast dessert”? That she has officially quit paying attention to Spirit Days?

I know. Same. She's the kind of mom we all want to be friends with. Finally, someone who says how it (actually) is and won’t try to “optimize you”. She's also perfect for the Scandi Class series Lightening the Load — my prettified version of "Lowering the Bar," the literal translation of a phrase Finnish moms use as we share how we're making parenting less hard and more enjoyable.

I sent Jess my six favorite questions, and every answer feels like permission to do motherhood more on our own terms, not according to expectations that are impossible to meet.

This means that I’m doing something a little different with this one. Below you’ll find Jess’s full answers — as well as a short Nordic-mom take from me beneath each! I literally had to reply to Jess’s answers, aka double down on giving you permission to do you (or as we say in Finnish: ’tee lisää sitä mikä toimii’ — ‘do what works’) twice over.

So, below, please enjoy. Two moms. Finnish & American. Six unfiltered answers each.

And a huge welcome if you’re new here, and from Jess’s world! Pour the coffee, and let’s get started.

And if you are new to Jess, open this in a new tab to subscribe to Notes from Jess!

1. What’s a parenting rule you skip in your house that would horrify your former pre-kid self? 

Pre-kid, I thought I would never give her sugar or keep any sugar in the house. We are quite far from that reality now. While I do want to try reigning it in more, I also don’t want to deprive her. I like to tell her that some foods are good for our body, but others are good for our soul, and that it’s a balance. I say this as I just let her eat a Valentine’s Day sucker for “breakfast dessert.”

From Annabella’s house: In Finland, kids have karkkipäivä — candy day. Once a week, it’s a much-anticipated sweets fest; the rest of the week, there’s none. I'd forgotten all about it living in the US, and it took me years to bring it back. But once I did, it stopped the daily whining over sweets and made it something I can’t wait for, too: we pick candies from a Swedish candy store, or get ice cream cones, or bake a chocolate cake. But we are a work-in-progress too: I occasionally add chocolate chips to a nutritious food to get my kids to eat it.

2. What’s your weekday-morning trick to thrive — the thing that allows you to also take care of yourself and get ready?

I think one of my power moves is morning bathtime. It’s so much easier to get her into the bath, whereas at the end of the day, she always fights it. Once she’s in, she’ll stay in there playing for an HOUR! Sometimes more! I can sit outside the bathroom and get some work done; I can sit and read a book or crochet. 

Another one is that I will often squeeze in a 10-12-minute standing Pilates flow (I love Melissa Wood Health’s workouts!) at the kitchen counter while she eats or plays in the AM. It really makes a difference, and I know 10 minutes a day doesn’t sound like a lot, but it adds up!

It’s such a myth that we believe we don’t have time to ourselves, or that we can’t do things “for us” while our kids are around. 

From Annabella’s house:

I love this. My version: long showers from a very young age, as soon as they can safely move, sit, and stand on their own! Sticky mat on the shower floor, a couple of favorite toys or buckets and cans or items that feel like a science project and you have eons of time! You can get things done in a different room. (Finns in Finland would frown on water use, but, hey, they have universal childcare).

3. What do your kids do independently that you keep a secret, because other parents might still be doing that for their children?

Oooh, a big one is that she never has anything to entertain her in the car.

Part of this is because we’ve never made it a habit to give her anything to entertain her during car rides (except on multi-hour ones). And, because she gets carsick, watching an iPad isn’t ideal anyway. But I rarely tell people this because in American culture, it’s just normal to keep an iPad (or other forms of entertainment) in the car for the kids who demand it the second they get in.

She’s usually content chatting with me, enjoying some good music, and staring out the window for up to two hours!

Being bored is kind of the point! 

From Annabella’s house:

In Finland, most kids need to walk, ride a scooter and/or take a tram, train or bus at that age, to wherever they are going, so iPads during transportation are not an option! So, I actually somehow didn’t even think of iPads on shorter trips, which I’m now so happy about! Boredom isn’t a problem to solve. It’s where every good idea—and space to think—hides.

For longer car rides, I have brought books, music devices with headphones and small games like Rubik's cubes though. I do save iPads for the longer rides (in an attempt, not always successful, to stop the three brothers from fighting on the backseats).

4. What school-related thing have you quietly decided to care less about?

Spirit week. Oh my god, Spirit weeks have gotten so out of hand.

There are so many of them that they often require buying new items or even costumes! If we have the items at home, maybe I’ll remember to dress her accordingly, but I don’t really even bother to pay attention anymore. This is starting to become her responsibility to remember.  

It has REALLY stressed me out in the past. Mostly because I don’t understand the point of making so much work for parents when kids are too young to know what’s going on anyway!

But I’ve learned to let it go and say, “this just isn’t my brand of mom,” 😆 rather than care about this stuff. As she gets older, it will be solely on her to spearhead her spirit week outfits, if it’s important to her.

Not my circus, not my monkeys. 

From Annabella’s house:

Yes. THIS! Spirit Week isn’t on the Finnish radar at all — when I tell my Finnish friends about it, they literally don’t believe me. One told me that she thinks asking parents for that much extra work would be illegal (I’m sure it’s not but I’m also sure no school has made such demands!). The most radical thing my kids do at school is be themselves; if they find out about it and want to dress a certain way based on what’s in their closet, that’s amazing—but no, it’s not something a Finnish mom would ever take on. Limits, you know. American parents, hear me—and Jess— out: it is okay to opt out!

5. What’s your “I’m done for the day” parenting move?

My husband and I trade off who handles bedtime while the other handles the dishes.

When I have dish duty, I listen to an audiobook (which I secretly love). I always end the day with a very hot shower to transition into my own time! 

From Annabella’s house:

My version is the sauna night, or morning, in our Connecticut backyard — at least weekly. Lighting the wood-burning sauna starts the transition from mom-mode to recharge mode. I feel so renewed after a sauna session.

6. What’s one shortcut you rely on that makes family life noticeably easier? 

A couple of things stand out: 

1. I outsource everything I possibly can with zero guilt.

Instead of hiring someone to help me in my business, I hired a house manager, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. She does all the laundry, she tidies the house, she runs errands for me, anything domestically I need help with–she’s amazing. She comes from 11-5 every Tuesday, and those few hours per week save my sanity. 

2. We opt out of most “kid” activities because they are draining for us.

And there are plenty of things we do that we enjoy as a family unit instead–this is better for everyone involved. The only extracurricular we’ve ever signed her up for is swimming lessons.

She will be doing T-ball this year (she’s almost five), but this will be the first organized activity we’ve ever done. I am incredibly protective of our time outside of work and school, and I intend to be ruthless about it as long as I possibly can! 

3. This isn’t a shortcut, but really, trying to be as aware of my OWN values as possible.

And looking at everything through the lens of, “am I doing this/acting this way/saying yes/etc. because this is aligned with MY values? Or because I feel like I “should”. Without doing this, it’s really easy to fall into the trap of autopilot, just getting through the day and never enjoying your life! Ensuring I’m operating out of alignment makes life 1000x easier and more enjoyable! 

From Annabella’s House:

I co-sign the entire thing. My one-line version: say YES to fewer obligations. Every obligation comes with a never-ending list of admin and logistics. My three boys do one competitive sport per season each and even with that, I hire help for driving. Otherwise it’s too much. We tend to forget how much support parents in countries like the Nordics get just because they live and pay taxes there. We deserve that too. We tend to have lower taxes, yet we don’t spend the difference on support—because “you got this, mama!”

I’m planning on hiring a house manager starting this fall to be able to focus on what matters most: my family and my work. Outsourcing without guilt is the most underrated parenting move, and I will die on this hill with Jess.

Huge thanks to Jess for these answers — I hope these felt like a big exhale: “yes, we can do less, and with that, achieve so much more.” Go subscribe to Notes From Jess here.

And if you found Scandi Class through this post — I’m so happy you are here. Welcome to your Nordic Mom Era, and stick around! New letters every week.

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And, which of Jess’s answers do you most want to steal? Drop it in the comments — Jess and I both read every one. (And tell us: what would YOUR answer be to one of these?)

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Can’t wait to chat!

And, if you want to keep on reading, here are a few of my most popular posts:

In late March, I hosted a live workshop titled “The Accidental Nordic Bikini Body, While Getting Your Whole Family to Eat Healthy” with the amazing Dr. Emilia Huvinen, the Finnish expert sought for her insights globally on women’s hormonal health and weight. It was such a game-changer!

As we head into the warm season—bathing suit season—this is the feel-good, effortlessly actionable post you want to listen to or watch.

Dr Emmi’s tips have been helping me “de-puff,” and while I’m still not 100% in my European size pants yet (I can wear them but not eat in them, LOL—and luckily I won’t need them until next winter!), I’m feeling better and not “as puffy” My boys are also eating healthier, and I even inspired my husband to do so.

If you've been meaning to de-puff too, tap the like ❤️ button at the end — it helps other moms find this too:-)

Here's a free preview from the workshop:

Want to dive deeper into this? The full 45-minute workshop + every tip below is for Insiders.

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Now, here are the takeaways - Dr Emmi and I would love to know what happens when you try them! You can also follow Dr. Emmi here for more insights, and I’ll post the link to her new book when it’s available for preorder!

🥬 Try to avoid buying and eating foods that last a long time. Long shelf life usually means more preservatives and fewer nutrients. Fresh food spoils because it's still alive — and that's what your body actually wants.

🥑 Minimize buying foods with long ingredient lists where you don’t understand what the ingredients are (processed and ultra-processed foods)

🍓 The more local, the fresher the food often is and not wrapped in plastic (and not exposed to bad stuff during transportation and storage): try small local shops that sell local things (I just found one where I now buy the eggs for my kids: they are so cute as the shells are all different colors; my hubs buys local humanely raised, small farm meat there and I get my greens and veggies from there)

Below, for Scandi Class Insiders:

• The full workshop recording of the previous live: The Accidental Nordic Bikini Body

• Dr. Emmi’s 6 additional key tips

• Info about this Friday’s live workshop: ‘Spring Reset: All the Kid’s Stuff’ with professional Finnish organizer Kiira Keto, M.Sc. — May 29th at 12 pm ET (NYC time) on Zoom. This is an intimate Scandi Class inner circle gathering, so every participant gets personalized tips toward their dream clutter-free home.

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Hi! If you are here from Instagram, you are in the right place. This is the post, plus my live workshop with the Finnish master organizer Kiira (link below)!

I post about parenting secrets from Finland, the Happiest Country in the World, and how to adapt them into your life. No relocation required.

The Finnish philosophy is built on common sense, trust in children, and the radical idea that parenthood is supposed to feel like an enjoyable life — not a performance review. I tried very hard to win at American motherhood and burned out instead. I briefly moved back to Finland, and something clicked. This account is what I brought back. It changed my life. Subscribe to see if it changes yours.

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Right before Mother’s Day, I saw Instagram reels joking that all moms really wanted—way more than jewelry, flowers, or breakfast in bed—was a dumpster.

I could relate: I would have wished for a dumpster too if my husband didn’t have a truck that could fit an incredible amount of clutter. Instead, I wished for him to:

1. not take anything out of his truck, and

2. drive it directly to the local recycling center.

With three wild boys and a husband who all love stuff and prefer to hoard it in piles, I love nothing more than emptying our house at regular intervals.

This spring, though, I was getting tired of it. It was too much work, too often. I wanted to try a new approach.

I wanted to do a radical spring cleaning, truly leaning into the Nordic philosophy of just enough. Not “just in case”. I wanted to declutter and organize our home so that it would exude tranquility, ease, and spaciousness. I wanted our rooms to be as devoid as possible of visual noise. And I wanted every solution to be functional, practical, and low-maintenance.

I wanted a beautiful home I could manage. A home where I could think clearly. A home where I could sit down and not see a pile of stuff that silently screams—only to me— ”Organize me! Organize me!”

This might seem like way too much to ask. So many guides for moms ask you to give up your love for clutter-free spaces, and suggest just ignoring the messes: “Leave the dishes in the sink; the toys can be sorted another day.” But these tips completely ignore the extravagant amount of inner peace that organized spaces give you.

Take it from Montessori education, if not from Scandinavian design: when you intentionally have less stuff, and the stuff you have is organized, you lessen overstimulation and overwhelm, support concentration, and promote independence. Everything I want—for me, and for my kids. And it has become clear that I’m not alone.

The easiest way to get started in creating your own dream clutter-free home is to clear and organize all the kids’ stuff. I always discuss decluttering with the kids first—and I invite them to join me. They always decline, so I do tell them that in that case, they must trust me to make the best decision possible at that time.

I created this list of Nordic-inspired rules for myself, as I proceeded with my radical spring cleaning. I hope they inspire you to create your own rules to fit your lifestyle and space, and, if you would prefer even more details, let me know! I think we should turn this post into a mini-book with detailed how-tos for taking each space in a family home from chaos to calm.

The Big Rule: Focus on Purpose

The only items allowed in a space are those that support the desired purpose of the room. Living spaces are not storage spaces. So keep only what serves you. And remember, you need just enough.

Now — let’s clear everything else out.

The Bedroom (a.k.a. Not a Storage Unit)

1. Give the room a job — and only invite stuff that does it.

Bedtime should not feel like sleeping inside a Lego claims office.

Every item in the room either supports sleeping, reading, getting dressed, homework, one or two current calm interests, or that season’s most-loved collectibles. Everything else is a houseguest who didn’t RSVP.

When the room doubles as a playroom, sort a few selected activities you rotate in and out into their own see-through basket on visible shelving to make play easy and fun and to invite independence.

2. If it’s been ignored for 3 months, it has graduated.

Because no one — not a single soul — is coming back for the half-built Lego set from January.

Non-seasonal items: if there’s been no interest in it or it hasn’t been used in three months, even if it's been clearly visible, it can go (think: a built Mark Rober science project, etc.).

3. If a seasonal item missed its season, RIP.

That badminton set that wasn’t played—and got all tangled—last summer is not making a comeback tour. Donate it.

Seasonal items: if they haven’t been used in a year, they need to go.

4. Leave 20% of the room empty on purpose.

So when the surprise trophy / birthday present / found-rock collection moves in, you’re not “playing Tetris,” aka trying to figure out where to stuff it (or worse, leave it on the desk) at 9 pm.

This way, when a child gets a new item that should be kept in the room and fits its purpose, there’s a space for it right away.

The Laundry Room

5. Skip folding. Hang-dry & use baskets.

Because folded clothes and kids are a 2-second reality.

Hang clothes to dry, throw everything else into see-through baskets, and skip folding altogether. Empty the laundry room of dry clothes the next day — items on hangers onto closet rods, the baskets for undies, PJs, swimwear etc. back on the shelves. The room resets itself.

6. Dirty clothes go directly into the washer. No hamper.

You’re not running a hamper-to-washer ferry service.

Have kids throw their dirty clothes directly into the washer, not a hamper. You save two steps and just need to turn it on.

7. One giant basket. Let them hunt their own socks.

Pairing socks is unpaid labor and I am on strike.

Throw all the socks into one large basket. Let kids find their own socks in the morning — or, if they wish, sort them. (Spoiler: they will not.)

8. Buy one kind of sock per kid. That’s it.

Because the Sock Singles Crisis ends today.

Buy only the same kind of sock, same style, same color, for each child — this way, you always find a pair. Forget pairing forever.

Liking this? There are 13 more like it ahead. Nordic-inspired ease, every week.

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The Wardrobe Closet

9. Practical wardrobe, not the fashion closet.

If it doesn’t fit and isn’t worn, it’s a souvenir — and we are not a souvenir household.

Only clothing that fits and is actively used belongs in a wardrobe. Ideally on hangers and in visible, see-through baskets, for the current season and the year ahead.

10. Try the 7 × 7 method.

Seven outfits per season is plenty — wave your laundry piles goodbye.

Seven outfits per season, plus sports-specific wear, 1-2 special-occasion outfits, and outdoor clothing and accessories for different weather conditions. Done. And, as the climate can change dramatically even with a single season, these mini capsule collections allow you to have both warm- and cold-season pieces easily available without taking too much space.

11. Refresh the closet every season. Recycle, sell, or donate.

Last winter’s pants are not coming back into rotation. Let them go to a smaller leg.

Refresh the closet for every season as you swap in the next size and the next weather. If you want to save clothing for younger siblings, place it in a large, see-through storage bag, label it clearly with the size and season (for example, 10 yrs, fall/winter), and place it in a large, labeled, see-through bin in your storage area.

The Maintenance Rules

12. The 5–10 minute weekly refresh rule.

If tidying takes longer than reheating leftovers, the room owns too much stuff.

My goal is for my boys to keep their rooms—and the playroom—tidy on their own — but in reality, we all know how that goes. It’s almost as if they were allergic to organizing (or hanging a worn, yet clean hoodie). Even in a week, the room easily looks like the aftermath of an earthquake. A refreshed kid’s room needs to be low-maintenance enough that I can organize it in 5–10 minutes without feeling overly annoyed. If it takes any longer, the room has too much stuff and it’s not maintainable.

13. One in, one out. Always.

The easiest way to declutter is to not let the clutter past the front door in the first place.

For every new item that moves into the room, something else has to come out.

14. Each kid’s sheets live in their own room.

When sickness or an accident strikes at 2am, changing sheets does not require a hallway scavenger hunt—and kids can easily learn to swap their own sheets.

Kids’ own sheets are stored in their own room, so their bedding is easily changed, even by them, when needed.

The Stuff Kids Drag Home (and how to stop it)

15. Treat goodie-bag junk like an afternoon guest, not an overnight visitor.

Plastic spider rings are not heirlooms. Recycle the same day.

Any disposable or short-term things from goodie bags, holiday events like Valentine’s Day or Halloween, or school events: do not let them move in. Take a look at them the same day you get them and immediately recycle.

16. Use the Car-Bag Holding Pen for “attachments.”

Out of sight for two weeks = nobody actually wanted it.

If your child forms instant attachments to this random stuff (that doesn’t warrant its own place) and you keep finding & collecting it from all over the house (so much work), put it all in a bag you store in your car. If no one is missing the items within a week or two, recycle.

17. Save only truly original kids’ art. (My Finnish mom’s tip.)

If it’s a worksheet, a coloring-book page, or a “fill in your pumpkin” template — it’s not the Louvre. Recycle.

My Finnish mom changed my life with this tip — I had stored all my kids’ school work and art in a massive storage container that kept filling up until it would have been an hours-long project to go through it. So I never did. How are you supposed to choose what to keep as a memory?

“Only store truly original artwork — a piece where your child’s unique creativity, at this age, shines through,” my mom said. And sorted the whole container.

How had I not thought of that before? This made the selection process quick and easy. Every week, I glance at what comes in, and I recycle anything that wasn’t originally created by them, and save the occasional “art piece.” In our storage room, I have a large see-through container for each child, which I use to place a few carefully selected items in each year when they arrive. For my 12-year-old, it’s only half full.

Got a friend drowning in kid clutter? One click and you've thrown them a rope.

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Playroom, Toys & The Great Outdoors

18. Toys go on visible shelves in see-through bins. Then rotate.

If it hasn’t been actively sought out in a year, it’s not “their favorite” — it’s furniture.

The core principle applies: only keep what your child has actively used and independently sought out (as long as they were able to see it) within a year, and what you can store easily in its own visible place. We have a “toy and game” shelving unit in the basement and in the playroom — we alternate items that live in see-through bins, and every time new things kids want to keep arrive (birthdays, Christmas), I donate enough items to make space for the new.

19. Organize the garage like this so you don’t accidentally drive over a soccer ball. (Like I did.)

Heavy-duty baskets and hooks turn one wall into the family launchpad — and the porch into a summer playroom.

If you have a garage, the ideal place to store everything used outside is along one wall: heavy-duty baskets and differently shaped hanging hooks for everything from balls to scooters. I also love large, prettier baskets to hold outdoor toys and games on the porch or patio — I turn it into the summer playroom.

20. Clear outdoor gear out seasonally.

So your kids — and their friends — actually want to play outside when they come over.

Recycle, donate, or sell the items as soon as your kid has outgrown them and they’re not in active use.

Which tip are you trying first — and what's YOUR Just Enough hack? Drop it in the comments. I can’t wait to hear it.

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🤍 One Last Tip + A Photo Tour of Our Home + Your Weekly Reset Guide

The first 20 hacks are the system. What’s below is everything that makes it stick: the one rule that decides what stays in our family forever, a full visual tour of what the Just Enough method actually looks like in our home (room by room, space by space), and a printable 10-Minute Weekly Reset checklist — to keep it all up as effortlessly as possible, long after you’ve closed this tab.

For paid subscribers — Scandi Class Insiders — thank you for being here. Welcome into our home, and into the corners we keep mostly to ourselves, and I hope you love the checklist!

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In Finnish, there is no single word for “overscheduled.”

We don’t have a direct translation for “supervised” either.

This tells you something about how Finns think about childhood — that children are capable, and our job is to show them how, let them do it themselves, and then step back. By doing that, our role as parents also gets way easier.

That’s the whole premise of this series. Lightening the Load is about finding the moms and dads—the voices who are actively doing less, on purpose, and without apology. And when I went looking for the next collab, The Workspace for Children was immediately on my mind.

Lizzie Assa has built one of the most interesting counterculture corners of the “parenting Substack” around this radical idea: that children do not need us as much as we think they do. Nearly 30,000 subscribers are obsessed (go subscribe to The Workspace for Children here).

Her book But I’m Bored is also a must-read — grab it on Amazon or Audible.

I asked Lizzie six questions about what she actually skips, ignores, and refuses to feel bad about.

Read them and tell me what you think—some of them will make you feel better immediately!

1. What’s a parenting rule you skip in your house that would horrify your former pre-kid self?

Homework does not come first.

Children work hard all day at school, and most schools aren’t designed with kids in mind. They need to move their bodies. They need to think and speak freely. So in our house, downtime comes before homework.

And if the homework is taking too long or they don’t understand it?

I help them write a note to their teacher explaining what they tried, how long it took, and that they need more support at school.

Children need time to be children, especially after a long day of school.

2. What’s your weekday-morning trick to thrive — the thing that allows you to also take care of you and get ready?

I try to take a small break from working when my kids get home from school. Twenty minutes to eat a snack, stretch, and do something creative together. It’s not always possible, but when it is, it’s a win for everyone.

On the days it doesn’t happen, I’m cranky, and they seem to need me more.

Being intentional about connection, even a brief connection, helps.

3. What do your kids do independently that you keep a secret: because other parents might still be doing that for their children?

I don’t keep this a secret, but my children play independently. It is not my job to be their source of entertainment. I love connecting with them in other ways, like creating together, cooking, and watching our favorite shows.

But I am not the cruise director, never have been.

4. What school-related thing have you quietly decided to care less about?

Homework. And I am not that quiet about it. I wish homework were off the table. I don’t want my kids to learn that they should work all day, and then come home and work some more.

I want them to have more intentional time to play, make, create, and just be kids.

5. What’s your “I’m done for the day” parenting move?

I go to bed early. I am not a night owl. We eat dinner early, usually around 5 pm, and after that, our house is winding down for the night. They can be up and doing their thing (they are teens), but they know that I am usually in bed and “done” for the night around eight or nine.

6. What’s one shortcut you rely on that makes family life noticeably easier?

Prepping snacks. I am a terrible cook, but when it comes to snacks? I am all in. Each week I peel up a pound of carrots, chop peppers and cucumbers, and bake a few things for the week.

I stock our snack pantry very well so that my kids and their friends always have something inviting them to sit down, put their feet up, and know that this is a home where they can get comfortable.

Thank you, Lizzie!! I could not agree more with…all of it! I am also now inspired to make a bit more effort with the snacks as I want our house to be The Playdate Spot (way less driving for me:-)

Which one of these are you already doing—or would you try? And do you also feel like kids should not have homework after a long school day?

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Now, if you haven’t yet, go subscribe to The Workspace for Children — and if you haven’t picked up But I’m Bored yet, do it — on Amazon or Audible.

And if this post found you through The Workspace for Children — welcome!

Scandi Class is where I write about Finland-inspired parenting.

It’s not a method or a way to optimize or follow a 12-step method. It is a philosophy from the happiest country in the world, built on common sense.

I also sprinkle in insights for Nordic-style family home, style, beauty, and the personal AHA! moments that sneak up on you when you start living a little more like a Finn—in the US.

My name is Annabella, and I’m a Finnish journalist and mom of three boys who tried very hard to win at American motherhood and burned out instead. I now split my time between Connecticut and Finland, and what I bring back from each trip keeps changing how I live — not just how I parent.

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PS. And here’s how to share this with your most overwhelmed parent friend:-)

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Photo credit: Harri Heikkila (the parent taking pro images & video of the kids)

American sports parenting is broken. We all know it.

We just didn’t know there was another way.

Last week, I told you about ten days in Ruka, Finnish Lapland, that completely changed how I think about kids’ sports (read it here). The responses in my DMs, in my comments, and in real life told me I was not alone. Not even close. By sharing my AHA! moments, I heard how much we all crave a different way of doing this. We just had no idea what it actually looked like.

So here is what I promised: the actual framework. Four questions I am now asking before committing my kids to any sport, team, club, or season—to make sports parenting way more fun, way less stressful, and still 100% supportive of kids who want to go all the way.

One of these questions I had never once considered in years of sports parenting. It might be the most important one.

1. Choose the sport that gives YOUR family a social circle.

This one truly never occurred to me. Until over a dozen Finnish parents said it — independently — and I then couldn’t unhear it:

It is hard to build friendships after kids start school. Adult social circles fade. You might not find any kindred spirits in your kids’ classmates’ parents; you hardly meet them. But a sport with the right vibe can create a tight-knit parent community that is positive and supportive, where everyone helps each other’s kids, where you can make actual lifelong friends, and even create professional networks. And most importantly, it can create a social circle where you have fun too.

I’ve spent four years in American sports trying to break through. I’ve invited parents over. It worked once. The vibe in most of the leagues we’ve been in felt guarded, competitive — everyone’s kid is fighting for play time against yours, so the underlying current is never quite safe. You can feel it. You can’t quite explain it.

In Ruka, there was a WhatsApp group for all the parents. There were after-sport activities for kids and adults. At the training camp dinner, moms and dads I had hardly met invited me to sit next to them.

A mom asked me to go skiing with her while the kids practiced and showed me the whole mountain (it seems like staying active, like walking, or in this particular case, skiing, during kids’ practice is a typical thing to do).

A dad made sure I had all the right info, was in all the right WhatsApp groups, and made himself available to answer my countless questions as I was trying to figure things out.

I’m not saying every Finnish sport has this. I don’t know if freestyle skiing in the US has this same energy. But now that I’ve felt what’s possible, I have entirely new criteria for evaluating my boys’ next team, next summer sport, next athletic circle.

2. Independence is a feature, not an accident.

One of my questions now, when evaluating a sport: what can they practice on their own? What can they be in charge of on their own? Will the sport give them opportunities to further expand their autonomy skills?

One mom told me that her tween son takes the bus on weekdays to the after-school practices. “What? With his skis?” “Yes, with his skis.” Kids also pack their own gear.

Some 6th graders attend shorter training camps where they are housed with other campers in their own accommodations without supervision, with only minor check-ins.

“The point is to develop independence as well,” a dad told me, after which I heard all sorts of rambunctious things the kids had gotten into in the past. Which, at least now, everyone laughed about. You live, and you learn.

In Finland, the mountain is also part of the education. After the first day, as I tried to bring lunch sandwiches for my boys during break, they suggested they go have lunch with their new friends instead—yes, without me. Figuring out where to go, skiing there, ordering, paying, and having conversations while eating together.

I could see how the tweens managed, but the 9 and 10-year-olds? I was shocked, but they did it too. My kids quickly started staying on the slopes until the lifts closed, with their friends or alone, figuring out the lifts, the runs, the eating breaks, the restaurants, and the timing to get to the bottom the minute after the mountain closed. At the end, they were guiding me around: “Mama, follow me, this is how we get to that run.”

Parents showed up when it really mattered and let go when it really mattered, too.

A sport that requires constant parental logistics doesn’t foster independence and feels exhausting. The best sports teach kids to navigate, adapt, and take care of themselves — because the mountain doesn’t wait for mom to figure it out for you.

3. The new criteria I’m using for every sport decision.

Before signing up for anything new, I’m asking:

Does it let them grow without being cut? Any system that constantly narrows the pipeline — that sidetracks kids before they’ve had time to develop — kills the spirit before the sport or the kid has ever had a chance.

Does it build my kid’s identity now, not just their future outcomes? Think of the pro photo philosophy. The cheering judges. The camp film. The like-minded friends who can and want to keep playing—or skiing—together beyond the scheduled practices and competitions. What does this sport say to my child about who they are right now?

Does it give our family a social circle, not just a schedule? I am not doing another four years of guarded, competitive sidelines. The sport has to create something for our family, not just for the hypothetical future athlete.

Will my child’s opinion be valued?

On the 2nd day of the competition, before the practice runs, the judges asked the older kids—the tweens and teens—whether the competition should continue or be canceled.

"Go test it and let us know what you think.”

The wind gusts were severe, and the slopes were icy. It was too risky for “big air”. I couldn’t believe they asked the kids. Shouldn’t an adult, a pro, go check it out and make this incredibly consequential choice? No.

“It’s important the kids feel included. If a teen, who loves doing risky things, says the competition should not go on, it truly should not go on.” 

The kids slid down to report back to the judges: “It’s a no-go. Cancel.” And that is what they did. Nothing will get you to level up more than feeling ownership, feeling valued, and like your opinion matters.

Does it keep them outside, in their body, away from screens? Grit comes from being able to handle any weather. From unexpected situations and surprises—and adapting when things don’t go as planned. From trips and falls. From trying again—and again. From figuring out a mountain, a trail, or a field. From taking calculated risks.

All of these lead to the feeling of “I got this.” It is not about sticking to something that doesn't give you anything. If it kills the spirit, it’s not building resilience — it’s just grinding.

Does the sport still let them be kids? While my boys were waiting for their competition run, I spotted them from the audience, throwing snowballs at each other. They were basically the only ones doing it. I was too far away to intervene and could do nothing but watch, mortified and helpless.

The head of the team my boys had joined as guests had to go tell them to stop. I found him afterward, trying to figure out a sufficient apology that would stop him from dropping them from the team before they had even fully gotten in. As I was mid-apology, he told me that they were young kids, after all. The dad, who had been taking the pro photos, continued: “Luckily, this sport is a bit more free-spirited.”

And just like that, I did not have to die of shame.

But it stuck with me. Because what he was really saying is: this sport still makes some room for children to act like children. Not every sport does. Some have an unspoken code so rigid that a snowball while standing at the top of the slope, waiting for your turn, would be a serious offense. And when a sport demands that level of performance and composure from a 10-year-old at all times—what are we actually teaching them? That goofing around is a character flaw?

And here's the mom side of that: if there's no cultural understanding that kids will occasionally just be kids—no matter how well you parent them, no matter how many times you've had the "this is how we need to behave" talk—you become a total #momfail the moment they do something you couldn't have predicted, controlled, or even seen coming.

Because, in my defense, how was I supposed to think to say: "Boys, do not throw snowballs while waiting for your competition run." That one just didn't make my pre-competition checklist.

A sport that can’t accommodate a child occasionally acting like one might be taking itself a little too seriously. And so might we.

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If you are here from Insta, welcome! This is the Part 1 of the Youth Sports series, you’ll see the link to part 2 at the end. I post a Nordic-inspired idea—that has the power to completely transform our parenting lives—every week. Stick around!

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I’m currently writing this in my Notes app as we fly over still-frozen lakes, patches of snow, and endless forests of fir trees from Kuusamo to Helsinki, on our way back to New York, because I literally can’t wait to share what I have learned in the past two weeks.

As always, I gain fresh perspectives on parenting when I’m in Finland, but I didn’t anticipate this short stint in Ruka to teach me that much—after all, I wasn’t looking for a massive mindset shift this time. Instead, I had taken a last-minute opportunity to take my older boys on an extended spring break to attend a Finnish freestyle ski camp where I hoped they would make new Finnish friends. But, unexpectedly, what happened over these two weeks blew my mind. And what I’m about to share will do the same to you — if, like me, you have a child in organized sports. Over half of American kids are.

Yet, 70% of American kids will quit by age 13. Why? It stopped being fun. And I could not even find data on how many parents don’t find it fun (raising-hand emoticon). However, I have now seen that, if we, as parents, adopted the Finnish approach, we could most certainly reverse this trend and actually enjoy it ourselves.

So if any of the following rings true, keep reading, and share this with all the sports moms you know. It will change your world, and your kids, and I am not overpromising:

• You have a kid in sports—and somehow it has become one of the most stressful parts of your week

• You would love a richer, like-minded social life, but sports take away from it instead of offering it

• It seems like everything related to your kids’ sport is all on your shoulders

• You feel like you have no time for yourself with your kids’ activities

• You are annoyed by your kid getting unequal play time (if in a team sport)

• You are frustrated by the fierce competition in the multiple town and club travel team tiers, where the point seems to cut kids out instead of keeping them in

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We need to talk about why we put our kids in sports.

Now, this post isn't about freestyle skiing, but I’m using it as an example to take you inside a pocket of youth sports where things work—for the better. A world where there has been constant movement to reduce dropping out, and where a competitive track feels like an ocean of support, encouragement, fun, and friends. A space where this groundbreaking mindset shift in kids’ sports has already happened, and both kids and parents are loving it.

Let me take you to Ruka, Finland. It is a 1,614-foot-high fell that rises amid forests and lakes near Finland’s eastern border, just 37 miles from the Arctic Circle. In the middle of winter, with the sun remaining on the horizon for only 3 hours a day, the snow provides brightness; in the middle of summer, the sun never sets.

As you go up a ski lift, you see an awe-inspiring, world-class terrain park surging within the family-friendly Ruka ski resort. The main big-line jump has been nicknamed The Bull or Härkä, and it stands 55-60 feet tall. The middle line jumps, and the numerous rails literally call for adventure, and the junior park ensures that even 5-year-olds can get their feet “wet” with smaller rails, boxes, and jumps, and then advance to more complicated grabs, rotations, and flips. The park even creates a slope called the Playground: massive, random-sized towers of snow you can ski in any way you dare. If you need a pause, there are multiple huts with fireplaces, and during peak season, you can even hang out with reindeer who then inhabit a patch of forest in between the runs.

As I had hockey stopped on one of the middle-line jumps to watch my 12-year-old descend down the main line to go up and attempt a high-flying 360, pulling my turtleneck up over my face to protect myself from the freezing wind gusts, I realized I had been approaching kids’ sports completely wrong—for years.

Not just me. Most American sports parents I know are.

So, I did what any curious journalist would do: I talked to every Finnish ski-sport parent I could find. I interviewed them on the mountain, in the lodge, on a ski lift, and on the sidelines of the slopestyle competition. I also talked to Finnish parents with kids in other competitive sports via my Instagram stories and DMs. A few dozen Finnish moms and dads told me essentially the exact same things. The consensus was so clear it almost felt like it came from a script.

But it wasn’t. This is just how they think.

Here’s what I learned.

The judges were cheering.

I have never heard anything like it. As both of my boys participated in the Finnish nationals in slopestyle and rails, held a few days after their training camp, the judges were so positive, so encouraging that I literally would not have believed it if I hadn’t heard it myself. I caught my 10-year-old Miles and his new friend raving about it as they watched their big brothers compete in the older kids category. Not about the scores or even the tricks. About how it felt to be out there.

Pro photos and a movie.

There was intense participation by some parents, but it wasn’t yelling directions at the participants or disgruntlement toward those who enforced the rules. One active parent was capturing next-level professional photos and film of all the kids (imagine, my kids too)—as if they were featured on ESPN. The focus was on this moment, this run, this kid right now — not the outcome, not the future, not whether they placed in the top 3.

I kept wondering why this hit so differently. It was not low-effort parenting. The production and the work it required were impressive and intense. But the motivation behind it was completely different. None of it exists to give a child a leg up or secure an achievement. It exists to say: look how hard you worked. Look at you.

Imagine how your child feels seeing themselves in that photo, that movie.

Finnish parents don’t choose sports to create a future athlete — even though a kid might become one.

This was the mindset that shifted so much for me. I had never thought about it like that. I had, like the typical American parent, thought about which sport they were most likely to succeed in.

In Finland, there are no athletic scholarships. University is free, and sports have zero weight in admissions — you pass exams, or you don’t. Even being the best in your field won’t get you into a better school.

So why do Finnish parents like the ones I met on the slopes invest so much time and energy in their children’s sports?

“Because sports raise good humans.”

Grit. Resilience. A healthy routine. Time outside. Lifelong physical habits. Friends who are going in the same direction. And — this surprised me — most Finnish parents actually expect their kids to reduce or quit their sport when high school starts, to focus on academics and a full life outside school and athletics. Even the parents of kids at the top of their game, competing internationally, largely consider it a learning experience rather than the end game.

When the outcome pressure disappears, the whole experience transforms for kids and for moms and dads. Get this: the sport is never the point. The person the sport is building is always the point.

No rankings. No bench. No spirit slowly dying.

One of the things that crushed me this past season: my son, who had literally been flying on the soccer field, made a top-level travel team—and spent most of it on the bench.

What follows is for paid subscribers: the full Finnish framework for choosing a sport and what happened with my son.

To continue to read Part 2, and the four questions I’m now asking before our family commits to anything, hop here:

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