We told our four year old that we’d go to the lake on Thursday evening, if it didn’t rain.

“Okay, I’m going to pray for God to not send rain,” he answered.

Thursday came with rain in the morning and a forecast for chances of showers in the evening, so I started to prep our son that maybe we wouldn’t go to the lake because the forecast said there could be rain.

I told him that sometimes we pray but God doesn’t always answer how we wish he would.

He just looked at me like I had three heads.

“It’s not going to rain until after we come home, Mama.”

Sure enough, by evening, the sky cleared for the most perfect summer evening. We went to the lake.

That’s why God wants us to be like the children. My son prayed and that was that — to him, God was on the job and He’d come through for us. But, as the realistic adult, I started to hedge my bets in case God didn’t do what we asked.

I did that in my extended single season too. I’d pray and my faith would feel so strong. And then I’d look around at my lack of options and the not so good forecast (or my age!) and back off a bit.

I didn’t want to get my hopes up and be disappointed in case God didn’t answer my prayer and I wouldn’t get married. I’d have faith, but still be realistic, just in case.

In Greek, hope (“elpis”) means expectation, trust, confidence. It originates from the word “elpo,” which means “to anticipate, welcome,” or more properly, “expectation of what is sure (certain).” It means actively waiting for God’s fulfillment of the faith He has ingrained in us through the power of His love and in the Holy Spirit.

Hope breeds faith. You can’t have one without the other.

Daring to hope is risky though. Especially when what you’re hoping for seems out of human reach - even impossible. Hoping risks embarrassment if what we hope and pray for doesn’t come to be.

But what if we looked at our prayer requests as children, not “realistic” adults?

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What if we lived expectantly that God will provide and make a way? That all the years of unanswered prayers will result in an answer beyond anything you could ever imagine?

Someone may read this and think: “yes, but what if it did end up raining? This is all nice and dandy but what if I pray and wait and still don’t end up getting married?”

I don’t know why some who greatly desire marriage don’t get married, but I do know that how we wait on God and view God in extended waiting seasons is first and foremost a spiritual battle.

Just like Abraham at that altar with his son, it’s not about the result, but about the heart: do you really trust Him when He says He works all things for your good? Or do you need a specific result to prove He is indeed good?

Complacency in the single season can show up as indifference. A settling that sees God as dormant, inactive, and not concerning Himself with neither good nor evil in my life. It’s neutral. The feeling of being okay with things as they are, not expecting things to get better or worse.

Not even hoping for better, because you think that maybe God just doesn’t care anymore about you, your love story, or any other need you may have been praying for the last few years.

God hates this kind of complacency. It led Him to destroy everything for the people whose hearts fell into that state of indifference towards Him.

He wants our hearts, unconditionally. He wants children who look to Him as a Father from whom they expect good things.

Sons and daughters who believe - truly and wholeheartedly - that they belong to a God who cares for each one of us, every little detail of our lives because it delights the Lord to direct your steps and get involved in every detail of your life (Psalm 37:23).

So, yes, get your hopes up. Don’t you know whose daughter you are? Who cares for your every need and numbers every hair on your head?

I can’t promise you this means you’ll get a husband or a family of your own. That’s not a promise any of us can claim from His word.

But we can claim the promise that He is with us always. Our business is not to know where He’s leading but to take each day and each step in faithful obedience, trusting that the One guiding us is working all things for our good; that He hasn’t forgotten you; that you’re not the exception to His faithfulness.

I don’t know how your story will end, but I do know that if you walk it out with Him, it will be so so good.

Hope in the One to whom nothing is impossible - surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off (Proverbs 23:18, ESV).

To those who eagerly wait His provision and savor His presence, the waiting season and the answered prayers are equally sweet and holy.

P.S. We went to the lake again the next day, Friday. And it did rain while we were there. But the kids had a blast and my four year old said he had the most fun swimming in the rain. Rain or no rain, God is still good, and He is with us.

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If this resonates, you’ll enjoy our devotional, Expectant, available in digital and in paperback.

Depends. If it’s coming from someone who is Godly, wise and knows you and your life goals well, the take their advice to God in prayer to see what God has to say about this. He does use other believers to speak to us.

If it’s someone who may not know you well or who you don’t want life advice from, then say thank you for your advice, and move on.

I find that most people who say stuff like this to singles are coming from a good, caring place. But it doesn’t mean it’s always applicable to you right now. Only you can discern that in prayer and with wise counsel.

But this is part of a bigger conversation: should you go where there are more eligible options or stay where you are and hope God brings someone to where you are?

For example, let’s say you live in a small town or attend a small church and there truly are no eligible single Christian men in your “pond.” I’ve been here, I get it. Here’s how I approached it:

First, don’t make decisions solely based on finding a spouse, no matter how badly you want to be married. I know singles who church hop and attend every youth conference and singles retreat but have nothing else in their life. They’re just endlessly searching and think life begins once they marry.

Instead, strive to build a full life and pray to meet someone as you do wholeheartedly whatever God has equipped you to do with your hands and mind on this earth. That may include moving to a new place, away from your home church and family. Or it may not.

For example, I have a friend who moved away from home to pursue travel nursing and ended up taking one of her travel jobs permanently and settling down in a different state than where she grew up. A few years later, she met her husband on a dating app - he lived in that city and went to a small church. She was following her dreams and building a full life, which did include moving to a new “pond”, and along the way, she met a great guy. Would she still have met him if she didn’t move to that city? 🤷‍♀️

But sometimes, we may want to move, but God has us in a certain place for a season. I’ve been there too. I tried to be faithful where I was but I’d also take every opportunity to travel to youth conferences and visit other churches. I didn’t meet my husband this way — although we did attend these same youth events and churches — but I did meet so many of my friends who I now get to do life with and I met his cousin who told him about me.

My grandma lived in a remote village in Siberia with only a few elderly Christians. God sent my grandpa, who was in the military, to her tiny Siberian village and that’s how they met.

If you think God is asking you stay where you are, just make sure you’re not seeking this answer out because you’re afraid of change or leaving your comfort zone. I’ve had friends stay stuck like this and mask it with “God wants me here,” when really they were just scared and kept saying no to opportunities that aligned with their dreams and what they were praying for but required them to leave their home town.

We also live in a world today where you have basically the entire “pond” at your fingertips. Approximately 40-50% of couples meet online in the US today. And if you don’t meet online, we certainly check each other’s socials online after we do cross paths. Use your online presence wisely and strategically.

Think of it this way: if you need a job or a place to live, you go where you can find jobs and houses. You constantly check new listings online. You ask friends for leads. You apply. You interview. You go to open houses. You keep an eye on for sale signs as you go about your daily life. You dress up and put your best foot forward.

You live your daily life but you’re also constantly searching for a good fit for your wants and needs and you go looking where you think you may find what you’re looking for. It’s similar with dating.

At the end of the day though, there’s no blanket answer to this. And you may get different answers from God in different seasons.

In Luke 8:39, Jesus healed a man who was demon possessed. In response, the man begged to go with Jesus, but Jesus sent him home to tell his hometown what God did for him.

In Acts 16, Paul wanted to go preach in Asia, but the Holy Spirit stopped him and re-routed him to Macedonia where Lydia and her female friends were praying and desiring to hear the Gospel.

In Acts 8, God tells Philip to go to a specific place because that’s where an Ethiopian official would be passing through and searching the Bible for answers that Philip could provide.

In Acts 10, both Peter and Cornelius were praying. God tells Peter to go where Peter would never go voluntarily - to preach the Gospel to the Gentiles. One stayed where he was most needed, the other was sent to where he was needed.

There’s so many examples in the Bible where God directs people to stay or to go. It’s almost always because there’s someone praying to God for answers and for the Gospel to be shared.

You may be someone’s answered prayer which is why God is asking you to go move to a specific place and do His work there.

Or He may be working on someone’s heart to move to where you are to answer your prayer because you’re needed by Him where you are.

Either way, you must learn to hear and obey the Spirit’s leading in your life to discern what next step you need to take and you must be faithfully doing the work He has for you now.

Hint: that work isn’t to spend all your time and make all your life decisions based on finding a spouse. That’s a side hustle, but the main thing should be excelling in whatever God equipped you to do for His glory and in service to others - whether it’s ministry or secular work, or both.

Seek Him first and everything else shall be added to you 🤎

If this resonates, you’ll enjoy our devotional, Expectant, available in digital and in paperback.

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📖 A Bible verse to meditate on

"But someone will say, 'You have faith and I have works.' Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works." -James 2:18

You can do all the internal prep work, studying, and praying in preparing for marriage, but God is (likely) not going to just drop a spouse off on your front porch.

So, this month, we'll be focusing less on prep and more on action.

Waiting on God and His provision is not passive. When I was single, the thought of trying to "find" a husband felt a lot like me doing the "pursuing" as a woman - a role I thought is exclusively a man's. After all, Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." So, to my mind, that meant I had to wait until I was "found."

But here's a shift that helped me navigate this and accept my "role" in seeking a spouse: I prayed for a man who was walking in the same direction and towards a similar destination as me. That meant that to meet such a man, I needed to know where I was going (the vision I had for my life) and actually walking towards that vision.

If I stalled out at mile marker 13 waiting for my husband to find me, but he's making progress on the path he's on, the distance between us would only grow. Because I knew I didn't want a man who wandered in circles with no purpose or direction, so why would I sit around in one place, attracting the wrong kind of man?

So, don't think of it as pursuing, but as working your way towards your future - and in doing so, if a man happens to come alongside you who is walking on the same path towards a similar destination, that can become a "meet cute."

📈 This month's marriage-ready challenge

This month, we challenge you to put yourself “on the way” — literally and figuratively. Take one or two intentional steps that put you in places where Christ-centered, like-minded singles might actually be. Here are some practical ways to meet other Christian singles:

1. Join a local or regional young adult or singles ministry. Even if it’s outside your usual church circle, look for Biblically grounded communities where you can connect with others your age who are serious about their faith. If your church doesn't have many singles around your age, visit other local churches to see if another church has a more active group around your age - you don't have to change churches completely; most churches are open to visitors to their life and youth groups.

2. Volunteer at events, conferences, or retreats. Whether it’s helping with worship, media, meals, or registration, these are the kinds of environments where you’ll meet people who serve with purpose. Bonus points if it's a retreat or conference focused on singles!

3. Say yes to invitations, especially if it’s out of your comfort zone. Sometimes the best connections happen when you attend a wedding, bonfire, or group outing you wouldn’t have planned yourself. Have a friend or an aunt wanting to set you up on a blind date? Say yes. It's one date, not an arranged marriage 🙂

4. Travel with Christian groups. Join a mission trip, a faith-based travel tour, or a retreat focused on spiritual growth since these environments naturally foster deeper conversations and shared values.

5. Get outside and bring friends (and ask them to invite their friends). Organize (or join) hikes, picnics, or park days with your community. Invite others, and encourage them to bring someone new. You never know who might show up.

6. Create the community you’re looking for. If there’s no young adults group or healthy singles environment near you, consider starting something small: a dinner club, game night, or monthly prayer meet-up.

7. Share the vision you're building. We're all about building quietly, but if you're building something for God's glory, there will be evidence of fruit and growth. Allow that to be seen. Invite others to help you build and grow your vision. It doesn't have be a public proclamation - you can ask the Holy Spirit to give you discernment and wisdom on who to share your vision with and when.

8. Get online. Meeting a spouse online, whether on a dating app, on social media or other online communities, is the number one way couples meet nowadays. Brush up you social media profile and/or give a dating app a try. We live in a day and age today that it's almost guaranteed that if someone notices you, they'll google you. So, at a minimum, make sure your online presence aligns with your values and the path you're on and what vision you're working on building in your life.

When you’re building your God-given vision, and living it out in real, visible ways, you open the door for connection. You also learn to discern more clearly who’s actually running in the same direction and who’s just lingering on the sidelines.

You may meet someone while you’re on the way to where you’re going, or you may not, but that’s the beauty of actively working towards and building your vision - you live a full life, regardless of your relationship status.

🙏Prayer prompt

Father, you see my desire for an equally yoked marriage. I'd love to meet someone who is walking parallel to me and towards the same destination. Someone who shares my values and has a noble character. Keep leading me, day by day, and in your time, cross my path with someone who is also building a similar vision as I am, so that together, we can build a life and legacy for your glory.

This month, show me opportunities to meet other Christian singles who are on similar paths as I am. Give me eyes to see these opportunities and courage to say yes to these open doors. Give me the wisdom and discernment to know what is in my control and where I need to obedient to your lead.

I know I may not meet my future spouse this month, but I pray for faith and courage to live out my single season expectantly, believing fully that you are able to bring me into an equally yoked marriage.

Further resources:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

3. Join us on The Porch, a private Titus 2 community for Christian single women in their mid-twenties to 30s.

There are things I want to share with single women, but it's not things I want to share freely on the internet with just anyone.

Some of it is private and personal. There are parts of my story I'd share with you if we were having a conversation in my living room versus on a public stage with 500 strangers in the audience (aka, social media).

But also because sometimes, teaching and sharing online feels like "throwing pearls to swine" (Mat 7:6). Not everyone needs to or will benefit from what I want to share about singleness and preparing for marriage, and that's okay.

Also, I'm just not in a season where I have time or interest to create content that feeds algorithms, or to package things up in a way to address all the counter points I know will come up on a post, but I know there are a small group of single women out there I am equipped and called to pour into.

I don't want to take a "throw spaghetti at a wall and see what happens" strategy. I don't want to rely on algorithms. I do not feel called nor am I equipped to speak to every single woman's situation or life, but I do know what I have lived through and so I can only speak from the story God has given me. This means it's going to apply to a very specific type of woman.

That’s why I’m finally opening up The Porch. This has been on my heart for awhile and I’ll be honest, I’ve outright disobeyed God, because I am scared no one will join or want to hear what I have on my heart to share.

But I know that this community is what I craved when I was single. This is what I wanted someone to share with me about singleness and preparing for marriage.

Here's who this community is for: Christian single women in their mid-twenties to 30s who:

1. Are in a full single season (your mind and hands are busy doing the work God called you to in the season you're in - whether that's a job/career or ministry)

2. Desire a mission-driven marriage (team based type of marriage where you are building something together as a couple and a family)

3. Want to practically prepare for marriage

4. Kind of "want it all" - whatever "all" looks like for you!

This community is likely not for you if:

1. You just want to lurk around

2. You are 100% sure you want a traditional complementarian marriage

3. You know for sure you only ever want be a full time stay at home mom

4. Do not have the desire to build something of your own or with your spouse

Note, I am not saying one or the other is the "better" way. I just know that when I was single, this is what I craved and there still remains a gap here. There's so much trad wife and complementarian type teachings out there, and although that works for some marriages, it's not what I wanted for my own marriage, but I couldn't find anyone to talk to or learn from with a mission-marriage.

Picture this as a virtual, Titus 2 retreat gathering: voice notes, honest reflections, practical teaching, and real conversation — all shared quietly, away from the noise and commentary of the internet.

To keep this an intimate gathering for those who truly want to be there, there is a paid tier to the community ($5/month, cancel anytime). That’s where I’ll be sharing videos and voice notes with I’ve learned about marriage thus far and what I wish we talked more about with single women about preparing for marriage.

There’s also a free option, where Daniel and I will do regular Q&As on singleness, dating and preparing for marriage.

-Yelena

Join us on the Porch

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📖 A Bible verse to meditate on

"But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but [a]to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord." -1 Corinthians 7:32-35

Girls meets boy. He checks all the boxes and she is excited about the relationship. But then comes the "but" - she is worried about the fact that they live in different states, she's mid-way through her college program and isn't sure if the timing is right to be dating someone seriously, she still has x, y, z goals she wants to accomplish before marriage, life is busy, etc.

Even though she's been praying for a husband and desires to be married, each time a prospect comes around, she finds reasons why it isn't a good time for marriage.

I've seen it happen often with women in their late twenties and early thirties, especially women who have full, successful lives. You want marriage, but you want it on your terms, without having to "give" anything up.

It's not just women. Men can face a similar struggle and delay marriage because they want to still hang out with their single friends, go on fishing trips with their buddies, dedicate time to ministry, get a promotion at work, spend all night playing video games, etc.

But you can't be married while still living like you're single. Marriage is a major life changing shift, yes, and that can feel threatening or like you may be "losing" something. It's certainly a fear I had before I got married!

It's why Daniel and I talked about it before we got married. For example, Daniel wanted to see if I'd be okay with him continuing to hunt - during hunting season, it's a big commitment and he emphasized that he knows family will come first and he won't have as much time or finances to spend on hunting once we marry, but it was important for him to keep hunting.

For myself, I wanted to know Daniel's take on how my professional and personal ambitions and dreams would "rank" in our marriage and if we'd make room for me to keep working on those dreams and goals in marriage.

Apostle Paul writes about this 1 Corinthians 7 when he talks about how marriage splits your priorities. You are no longer devoted 100% to ministry; your attention becomes occupied with your marriage and family life.

Similarly, when you're single, your personal vision, values, dreams, goals, and preferences guide everything in your life. But once you marry, you make room for someone else's vision, values, dreams, goals and preferences. As a couple, you work together to blend a family vision, values, dreams and goals.

Naturally, this also means some of the things that fit in your single season will not fit into your married season + new to you dreams and priorities will arise in marriage that maybe would never come to you in your single season.

Because something that should be taught more often about marriage is that when we the Bible talks about a couple becoming "one flesh" and separating from their parents to become their own new family, that means you truly start to build something from the ground up.

Many marriages have a tough start because it's two single people trying to do life together instead of intentionally drawing a line between their single season and their married season to truly become "one." At a minimum, this looks like sitting down together to discuss and come up with your family values, vision, dreams, goals, etc. - it's why we've developed resources like our Legacy Guide.

Marriage will absolutely require sacrifice and changes to your lifestyle and routines, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. In fact, marriage should positively expand your capacity, vision, dreams and life. You may "lose" or "give up" certain things, but you gain so much more.

📈 This month's marriage-ready challenge

So, it's time to have an honest check in with yourself. Journal and pray through the following questions:

1. Do you truly want marriage and the shift that comes with being married, or are you content staying single (for the foreseeable future or permanently)? Why or why not?

2. What parts of your single season do you love and think you'll miss once you're married?

3. What parts of marriage do you most look forward to?

4. What parts about marriage make you weary of getting married?

5. What are the things you worry about having to sacrifice or "give up" when you're married?

6. What are some of the lifestyle deal breakers you don't want to "give up" once you're married (e.g., moving away from your family, quitting your role in church ministry, not finishing your degree, quitting your job, etc)?

🙏Prayer prompt

Father, you see my desire to marry. Although I'm excited for marriage, I think there are maybe some things holding me back - [list out fears, worries, anxieties you have over marriage]. Work in my heart to heal these fears and worries and prepare me for what is in store for me in my future. You know what tomorrow will bring. In Jesus's name, Amen.

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Further resources:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

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📖 A Bible verse to meditate on

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland". -Isaiah 43:18-19

Before I met Daniel, I was talking to another guy - let's call him Bob- but we couldn't seem to move further in our relationship because Bob kept projecting his past relationship on our relationship. Bob dated another girl - let's call her Jane - and he thought they were getting serious, but she was actually not interested in marrying him and ended up getting engaged to another guy when Jane and Bob were on a break. For obvious reason, that left a mark on Bob and he developed a serious mistrust of women.

As we got to know each other, he'd keep bringing up this past relationship and constant seeking affirmation from me if I was talking to someone else and if I was seriously interested in marriage. After a few months of this, I had to end things because I could see that he needed to heal from his past before he could move forward.

The truth is: marriage doesn't erase brokenness or trauma, it reveals it and can even amplify it.

Here are some examples of wounds that may need healing before you can be in a serious long-term relationship:

1. Past romantic relationships (break-ups, cheating, toxic patterns in past relationships, co-dependency, etc)

2. Family wounds (divorced parents, abandonment, abuse, daddy or mommy issues, fear of marriage, etc)

3. Personal trauma (abuse, rejection, failure, shame, not feeling “good enough”, etc)

4. Church hurt or spiritual disappointment

The thing is, we can often be unaware of the wounds that remain. Sometimes, we think we've moved on from a past trauma or a bad relationship, but then a small trigger reminds us that there's still hurt there. Unfortunately, those triggers often come up when you're already in a relationship.

One example that comes to mind for me is that as the oldest child of immigrant parents, I learned from a young age that I needed to be a helper, not a burden. So, I rarely ask for help.

After our honeymoon, as we were moving my belongings from Missouri to Indiana so I could move in with Daniel, when Daniel made a comment about how much more expensive the U-Haul rental was than he expected, I automatically took that as him saying "You're a burden and making my life more complicated."

It's not what he meant and most people likely wouldn't have blinked an eye at a comment like that. But for me, as someone who has always tried to not be a burden, a small comment like that brought up old wounds. I'm pretty sure that's the first time Daniel saw me cry and then tried to figure out what in the world happened and how a U-Haul bill caused all the tears.

It took a long while for me to allow myself to be "dependent" on Daniel - to accept his help and ask for his help without feeling like I was a burden. In hindsight, I could have worked on this before I got married because I knew this about myself, but I think that I hoped that it would be different with my husband. As if, just because he's my husband, of course I would gladly accept his help and not worry about being a burden.

But, no matter how loving and Godly of a husband, he's never going to magically heal your past wounds or avoid triggering past trauma. Only Jesus heals, and only you alone can accept God's healing touch and choose to do the work to get to a place where past trauma and wounds don't impact your future and your marriage.

📈 This month's marriage-ready challenge

Here are five ways you can proactively work on healing past wounds before marriage:

1. Pray! God knows our hearts and our pasts - ask Him to show you were you may need healing.

2. Ask a trusted friend or mentor. It can be hard to bring up these topics unsolicited, so open the door and someone you trust if they think there are any wounds or blind spots you may need to heal from fully in order to thrive in a long-term relationship.

3. Notice your triggers. Are there certain things or situations that make you defensive or get your guard up because of past experiences? Is there anything that makes you shut down or run away due to unresolved trauma? Is there a common pattern you follow when you start talking to a potential spouse or dating someone that may lead you to self-sabotage or doubt the relationship?

4. Do the healing work. Go to therapy or counseling. Get rid of the things from the past that may be tying you down - whether it's physical or toxic relationships or situations. Talk about the trauma or the wound. Whatever you need to do bring the wound and trauma into the Light and find healing, do that thing.

5. Forgive. If your past trauma or wounds involve another person, do what you need to do to find closure and forgiveness. You may also need to forgive your old self that was in that situation. I know it sounds cheesy, but those past wounds and traumas will directly impact how you show up in your marriage.

6. Renew your mind. Romans 12:2 calls us to renew our minds and as we heal from past traumas and wounds, it's going to require to rewire your brain to change the narrative from pain, condemnation, fear, anxiety, etc. to thoughts of God's love, mercy, peace, and hope.

🙏Prayer prompt

Lord, you know all of my heart. You know my past. You know the wounds in me that may still need healing. I want to show up healthy and ready for whatever you have in store for me in my future, so shine Your Light on the parts of my heart that need healing. Show me if there is someone I need to forgive in my past. If there are blind spots in me that may hinder my future marriage, reveal that to me and touch those spots with Your healing hand. I praise you for what you are preparing for me in my future and ask you to prepare me for what you have in store for me. In Jesus's name, Amen.

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Further resources:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

Subscribe now

📖 A Bible verse to meditate on

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” —Mark‬ ‭11‬:‭24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

When I encourage young women to pray and fast regularly for their future spouses, the first response is often: "Will that make marriage happen faster?" And when I answer, "Probably not," their face falls and they change the topic.

But praying isn't about getting married faster - of if you get married at all. It's about sowing blessing into your future and allowing God to shape your desires to match His desires for your future.

As someone who is living out the prayers I prayed for almost ten years over my future spouse, I can testify to the fact that what you pray over your spouse today, you will see one day in your future spouse (if you marry).

You want to marry a good man? Then you pray for God to create a good man in your future husband and to prepare you into a woman who would be equally yoked with the kind of man you're praying for.

Praying specific prayers for your spouse and marriage is probably the best skill you can learn master in your single season that will set you up for marriage success.

Because prayer is the most powerful tool in a wife's toolkit, and if you've spent years praying for your spouse before you meet him, you go into marriage equipped to keep praying for your husband and your marriage. That is incredibly powerful.

Finally, if I've learned anything from praying for my future husband all those years, it's that the more I prayed for my future spouse, the more openly I held my desires and expectations for marriage. I still wanted it, but it was not as desperate, obsessive, and self-focused. Maybe it's because you know that you've left what you prayed for in the hands of God, and He can take better care of us and our loved ones than we ever could. Or maybe it is because you've spent time at the throne of God, which will always make you want more of God above all else. Because prayer first and foremost changes us.

Now, let's address the elephant in the room: how do you pray for something you want but you’re not sure if it’s even God’s will for you? What if you never marry, how can you pray for something that may or may not be in your future?

1. Take your desires to Him with open hands and wait expectantly for an answer, believing that if it is in His will, He is able to do it. We believe not in the answer we pray for, but WHO we pray to.

2. End every prayer with “Not my will be done, but Your will be done.” After you’ve expressed what your heart desires, ask for His will to ultimately be done. I truly believe that in praying that, we actually ask for far greater blessings than our minds could comprehend to even ask for or desire for ourselves. Because God’s will is the very best offer out there.

3. Ask the Holy Spirit to shape your desires and lead your prayers. That’s what He’s there for: to teach, counsel, comfort & guide us.

4. Pray Scripture over your future. The majority of my prayers for my future husband were straight out of Scripture. I would ask God to show me what to pray and then I’d read my Bible until the Spirit would settle a certain passage on my heart and that’s what I’d pray. There is incredible power in praying God’s word back to Him. He cannot go back on His word. He will answer to those who call to Him on His name.

So, instead of wondering if there’s a guy out there who can meet your high standards, pray for God to prepare a husband for you and prepare you for your future husband. If we believe God answers prayers, why not pray to shape your future?

📈 This month's marriage-ready challenge

Week 1

1. Establish a dedicated 5 minute daily prayer time for your future spouse and marriage. Don't overthink it or filter anything - openly share with God all your thoughts, dreams and fears about marriage and what you envision in a future spouse. He already knows what is on your heart, but He wants to hear it from you.

2. Journal your current thoughts, fears, and desires about marriage. Surrender them to God.

3. Memory Verse: Mark 11:24 — Meditate on what it means to believe God hears your prayers.

Week 2

1. Each day, read a Bible passage about marriage. Prayerfully journal what the Holy Spirit teaches you about marriage through each of these passages. Here's a list to get you started.

2. Ask the Holy Spirit to highlight a verse to pray over your future spouse and yourself.

3. Read 1 Timothy 3:1–3 and write a personalized prayer asking God to form these traits in you and your future husband.

Week 3

1. Fast one meal this week and use that time to intercede for your future marriage.

2. After each prayer session, end with: “Not my will but Yours be done.”

3. Reflect on how prayer is shaping your heart, not just your future.

Week 4

1. Write a list of 10 specific things you’re praying over your future spouse (e.g., wisdom, courage, integrity). Find a Bible verse to clearly support each of these items. If you cannot Biblical support for it, take it off your list.

2. Pray over each one daily or rotate through them.

3. Ask God to align your desires with His and trust His timing and provision.

Bonus: Record a voice memo or journal entry at the end of the month sharing how your perspective on prayer and marriage has changed. Seal it as a time capsule to revisit one day—whether you’re still single, engaged, or married.

🙏Prayer prompt

Lord, I don't always know what to pray over my future, but you do, because you're already there. I want your best for me, whether that includes marriage or not, so shape my desires and prayers over my future with what You desire for me. Point me to the passages in Your Word that I can pray over my future and keep preparing me for what I'm praying for. I don't know if I'll ever marry, but I trust you and Your timing, and I know that you will answer these prayers for my good and Your glory, because those who put their trust and hope in you will never be put to shame or be disappointed.

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When you’re ready, here’s how we can help:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

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📖 A Bible verse to meditate on

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. -Romans 12:17-18

One of the key phrases in our marriage when it comes to communicating through tensions or conflicts is: "Do you want to talk about this?"

Before we got married, Daniel and I talked about our conflict resolution and communication styles (here are the questions we covered while dating if you want to use them too in your relationship!), and one of the things we discovered is that we both prefer to take time and space to process before we have a hard conversation.

On one hand, that's nice because it means we never get into heated arguments or yell. But on the other hand, it means that if one person is processing something, to the other, it can seem like the other person is upset with them or giving them the silent treatment (before we got married, we also drew a boundary that we'd never resort to silent treatment in our relationship).

That's where our "Do you want to talk about this?" practice comes in. It took us awhile to get into this habit, but now that we've figured this out about our conflict resolution style, it's been so good for our marriage.

So, if one of us is having a bad day or is upset, we default to, "What's wrong? I can tell something is wrong. Do you want to talk about it?"

Then the other person can choose how much to share, and it is totally okay to say, "I'm not ready to talk about it." We then wait for when we're ready to talk about it, but always within 24 hours and once we've had space to process it and pray about it.

Here's the thing: this is an excellent communication practice, but it may not necessarily work for you and your marriage. It's helpful that Daniel and I are similar in this way, so it works well for us.

But what if you like time to process but the other person is an in the moment "I want to talk it out now" person?

That’s why it’s important to talk with your future spouse about how you’ll do everything you can to keep the peace in your home, starting with figuring out how you both respond to and resolve conflict.

Here are five tips to help build healthy communication skills for your future marriage (and it will benefit your relationships now!):

Figure out your conflict resolution style.

This article has a great overview of the five conflict resolution styles, but I like to put it into two general categories: fight or flight. When feeling hurt or attacked, some people prefer to react immediately (fight), while others retreat and withdraw (flight).

You can imagine that if one person in a marriage has a fight response, but the other has a flight response in a disagreement, things can get messy if they don't acknowledge and work with their different response styles to conflict.

If you're not sure which one you are, take some time in the next few weeks to study how you react to conflict and ask those near you how they'd describe your response to conflicts.

Knowing this will help you talk to your future spouse about how you'll handle conflicts in your marriage.

Learn to flip the script.

When we're hurt, it's tempting to fall into the victim mentality and focus only on our own feelings while painting the person who hurt or offended us as the villain.

One thing that helps me when I find myself going down this rabbit hole is giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and trying to see things from their perspective (Phil 2:3). Is there something underlying that drove their actions? What were their intentions?

Shifting the perspective from myself to the other person and looking at the bigger picture helps things simmer down emotionally to be able to have a healthy conversation about the issue instead of stewing in my own hurt and offense.

You and your spouse will be one flesh and thus on the “same team,” so in painting yourself the victim and your spouse the villain, you nurture a divide that will cause more harm than good. So, flipping the script from division to unity is a helpful way to start communicating through potential conflicts, disagreements, or miscommunications.

Be the first to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

If both people in a relationship have this mentality, you'll thrive, because you try to out-do each other in healing hurts and resolving conflicts (Rom. 12:10).

But even if your spouse doesn't have this mindset, as Christians this is what we're called to, so cultivate this in yourself. It doesn't matter who is in the wrong or who "started it," become the person who does all that you can to live in peace (Rom. 12:18).

Learn to clearly communicate your expectations.

Many disagreements in marriage could be avoided with clear communication of expectations! Too often, we expect someone to read our minds, instead of sharing what we expect of them or in a certain situation.

That's why we encourage couples to walk through the Dating Guide before getting married - these questions help lay out expectations for various topics and situations that may arise in a marriage. But communicating an expectation is one thing.

The next part is learning to communicate through unmet expectations. For example, if you tell your spouse you would like them to plan a date night next week, but they don't, how will you handle that?

Our best tip is to ask your future spouse this exact question and ask them how they'd prefer to handle it, and then each of you talk about your preferred response if the other person doesn't meet an expectation you both agreed to.

Once again, what works for one person and couple may not work for another, so the best thing is to know yourself and your spouse and tailor your communication style accordingly.

Learn to manage your emotions.

You won't be able to control your spouse, but you can control yourself, so develop in yourself a healthy way to manage and process your emotions.

Especially for women, it can be easy and tempting to blame where we are in our cycle for how we are emotionally and how we treat others around us. But, even though hormones and cycles are a part of it, as Christians, we are not to be ruled by our flesh.

Do the deep work of getting yourself physically healthy (if that is what is driving your mood and emotions) and to develop a healthy way of regulating your emotions.

📈 This month's marriage-ready challenge

Now, here is how you can apply this now:

1. This month, observe your reaction when someone offends you, hurts your feelings or when you disagree with someone. Take note of how your body feels physically, what your thoughts are, what you say with your words, the tone of voice you use, and how the issue is resolved (if it is resolved). This should be a purely objective exercise - almost like you're looking at yourself out of your body and observing how you react. Document your observations.

2. Based on what you learn about your reactions to conflict, note areas where you can potentially improve. If you're not sure where you can improve (we all can improve in everything!), pray about it and ask the Holy Spirit to show you. You can also ask someone you trust who knows you well to help you identify these weak spots in your conflict resolution style.

3. Take this to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help you develop a healthy conflict resolution practices. Note, often when we ask the Lord to help us grow in an area, His response is (1) show you Scripture on the topic as you read your Bible regularly and through teachings in your local church and (2) give you opportunities to "learn on the job" and put it into practice. This means you'll likely start to see more conflict in your life, giving you a chance to not only learn but also do.

4. Put this into practice. Consciously choose how to respond to conflict and practice taking control of your thoughts and emotions, especially on days when you're stressed, hangry, tired, or busy. Sometimes, when we're full, rested, and happy, responding to conflict feels simple. But add in hunger, tiredness, stress, PMS, etc, and we can become the worst version of ourselves, resulting in taking it out on others around us.

🙏Prayer prompt

Lord, show me where I can grow in how I respond to conflict or when someone offends or hurts me. Help me to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19). I want to be a peacemaker (Matthew 5:9), for I know this will be a great blessing for me in my marriage, if that is in Your will for me.

Let me not only look to my own interests, but also to the interests of others (Philippians 2:4). Let not the sun go down in my anger (Ephesians 4:26). Help me to be quick to forgive, as You have forgiven me over and over again (Colossians 3:13). Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from me (Ephesians 4:31).

When you’re ready, here’s how we can help:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

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Here's something I got wrong when I was single: I thought that if someone was married, then they must know what they're talking about when they gave me marriage advice - or even advice on dating or how to find a spouse. Same with people who appeared Godly or spoke convincingly by quoting Bible passages to support their marriage advice.

Maybe because I thought there was just one way to do a Christian marriage: a template of sorts to follow.

But, that's just not true. Not every Christian marriage will operate exactly the same, and that's okay. Just like there also isn’t one way to find a spouse.

God provides an overall framework for what a Christian marriage should look like, but He's also created and equipped each individual and couple with unique spiritual gifts, talents, resources and vision.

Just like we each live out the Great Commission and God's calling to glorify His name and grow His kingdom in our own unique ways, our marriages will operate and thrive in different ways.

So, what works for one couple in their marriage, may not work for your marriage, and that's okay.

The same goes for the marriage horror stories you hear: remember, her story does not have to mean your marriage will end up the same way.

Yes, this applies even to us! Daniel and I share about marriage from our own experience and understanding of the Bible, but not everything that works for our marriage will apply to you and the love story and marriage God is preparing for you, and that’s okay.

Learn, listen, and observe married couples, but before you take for yourself what's working (or not working) for another couple, do this:

1. Look at the fruit. Matthew 7:16 says that you will recognize them by their fruits. So, do the couples actions align with the advice they're giving or the image they're portraying on social media?

2. Put it up to God's Word: does the advice align with Scripture? Many people quote Scripture out of context or incompletely when they talk about marriage. So, even if they're quoting a Bible verse in giving you marriage advice, do your due diligence to discern what that passage teaches; don't just go off of what someone else is taking from that passage or how they're applying it to their marriage.

3. Ask yourself if what they have is what you want: if the couple's married life, family and lifestyle is not what you envision for your future marriage and life, then it is likely the advice that couple shares may not be for you. For example, when women in traditional conservative or complementarian marriages would try to give me marriage advice, I'd listen very cautiously, because that's not the dynamic I wanted for my future marriage.

4. Build a library of advice. You don't know what your future holds or what your marriage will look like, so it can be hard to discern what relationship advice may be helpful to you and what may not apply to you. So, what helped me was to build a library of advice that I found interesting and based on sound doctrine for future reference. Some of it I ended up applying later in life, other advice I discarded.

5. Live out Titus 2 strategically and locally. Titus 2 encourages older men and women to teach younger men and women, including how to thrive in marriage. There are many amazing, Godly married women you can learn from online, but in my opinion, the best way to live out the Titus 2 mentorship model is in person. Find a married couple you admire in your local church or community and ask to be mentored by her (or if you're a guy, by the husband).

   Some of the best things I've learned about marriage, including what to pray for in my future marriage, is by watching married couples live out daily life, do ministry together, host people in their home, etc. If you can't think of anyone to fill this role for you, pray about it and God will send someone on to your path. Or, if you're in Southwest Missouri, Daniel and I are happy to be this for you, so please reach out!

P.S. Have you completed your March Marriage Ready Challenge? We’d love to hear from you - what did you learn? What did you focus on in this month’s challenge?

When you’re ready, here are additional resources we’ve developed for you:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

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📖 A Bible verse to meditate on

“But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you." -Luke 14:28-29

First, before we begin, this isn't about how much money you have in your bank account or your net worth. That's the result. What we want to focus on is deeper than that: your mindsets and stewardship of finances.

Because you could have a lot of money and spend it frivolously, or you can have very little, but be taking steps and making investments that will grow your finances exponentially.

When you get married and become one, finances will be an important undercurrent in every area of your life: from the lifestyle you live, to values on spending vs. saving, to which financial goals you work towards as a couple.

To illustrate the point, here is an example of a couple who is not equally yoked in their views on finances and how it could cause tension in a relationship as a result:

Ben & Anne

Ben is a saver. He grew up poor and lives frugally and doesn't buy much for himself. He is working hard to save towards some big financial goals. Ben can be described as having a scarcity mindset.

Anne grew up well off financially, and she freely spends money on whatever takes her fancy. She has no budget or savings because her dad has given her an unlimited credit limit. Anne has an abundancy mindset when it comes to finances.

First, this is a classic spender vs. saver matchup. It's two opposite views of money that Ben and Anne will have to talk through and both compromise on to maintain the peace when it comes to finances in their marriage. For example, Anne may have to restrain her spending and Ben may have to loosen the grip a bit on his frugality.

Secondly, their different upbringings and lifestyle expectations may also cause tension. If Anne expects her husband to provide the same lavish lifestyle and unlimited resources that her dad did, but Ben is not at a point in his financial journey to accommodate that type of lifestyle, then that will be a difficult hurdle for both of them.

These differences will come up and have to be communicated through in every area of their life together: the type of food they buy and where they eat out, if and where they vacation, what trips they take, what neighborhood they live in, the size of the house they can afford, the hobbies they spend money on, etc.

📈 This month's marriage-ready challenge

Just like Luke 14 says, to build the kind of life, family, marriage, and legacy you dream of and are praying for, you need to calculate the cost before you start building and evaluate: What will it take? Do you have what it takes?

Here are a few areas to invest in now to put yourself in the strongest possible financial position for the life you dream of building:

• Debt: Analyze your debt situation. Whether it's student loans, medical debt, credit cards, money you owe to family, or other types of debt, add it all up and aggressively work towards paying it off ASAP. Dave Ramsey has some great resources and education on paying off debt. Nothing will hold back you as a couple from building your dreams like a mountain of debt.

• Investing: Study investing. This is not just about investing in the stock market, although understanding how the stock market works and investing in it can be a part of a thriving investment strategy. Investing can also look like real estate, bonds, CDs, businesses, rare collectible items, gold, retirement accounts, etc. Do not expect your spouse to be the one who will be in charge of finances. Even if one of you will take the lead on the finances in your home, you should still have a working knowledge of personal finance and investments. If you're debt free and working, you should also be investing actively now, even if you only have $100 a month to invest. That's the entire concept of investing: compounding and that the little by little yields a return over time.

• Marketable skills: Even if you hope to be a full time stay at home mom, you should still invest in developing skills that can make you money in the marketplace. For some, that will look like a college degree and/or corporate experience. For others, it could be getting a certification to be a virtual assistant or social media marketing work experience. God has given you skills and natural abilities - work on cultivating those to be something you can lean on to help provide for your family financially. In this day and age, many couples don't have a choice but for both of them to work, and when kids come, the cost of daycare adds in a whole other financial consideration. So, think ahead and invest in skills that can bless your family financially as needed.

• Retirement: Yes, retirement seems really far away. But, with the Social Security Fund expected to run out by 2035, the government likely won't be much help to you once you're ready to retire. It goes back to the principle of Luke 14: count the cost of what it will take for you to retire and then work backwards to start investing for that in your future.

• Health insurance: Have a working knowledge of how health insurance works and the associated costs associated, including alternatives to traditional employer provided healthcare insurance (like Samaritan Ministries).

• Your view of money: Are you a spender or saver? Do you have a scarcity or abundance mindset? What do you believe the Bible says about money? What are you willing to spend money on and what do you think is a waste of money? Take the time to do some soul searching and get clear on your views and mindsets around money and finances. This will be so helpful when you go through the finance questions in the Dating Guide with a potential future mate!

• Financial goals: Back in January, we talked about vision setting. Go back to your notes from the January Challenge and work through the financial aspect of the dreams you outlined for your future. What is the cost of those dreams? How much income do you think your family would need to achieve the lifestyle and dreams you envision for your future? Write out the financial goals you have and then count the cost to make a plan: what will it take to finish what you want to build and invest in?

• Spending: If you don't already have a budget and track your spending, start today. Even if it's just for a few months to track your spending habits - this is such an eye opening exercise! Where we spend our money is what we care about most, so gather the data. What does your money say you value? This will help in discussions with your future spouse about finances and it shows where your spending actions maybe don't align with your values and financial goals.

Start investing in your future now, because the financial choices you make today will either be a blessing or a hindrance for your future marriage.

Stewardship includes knowing what you want to build and invest in with your time, efforts and finances and then working backwards to calculate the cost to see if you have what it takes to get to where you want to be.

🙏Prayer prompt

Lord, shape my views of money and finances so that I can wisely steward what you've entrusted to me for Your glory. Reveal to me what you would have me invest my finances into this season and how I can best prepare financially for my future.

I know You already have tomorrow taken care of and You supply all my needs. Father, I recognize that everything I have - including my finances - are Yours. You've entrusted them to me and I want to be a faithful steward of what You have put into my care. I want to grow and multiply it for Your glory. Help me to count the cost of the future I envision for myself and my future marriage, and to prepare for what I'm praying and waiting for.

You also know where my future spouse is, so I pray that you work in him / her too so that he / she is also a good steward of his / her finances. May we both work towards building a solid foundation for our future marriage and family. Bless the work of his / her hands.

[If you're worried about finances]: Lord, I am anxious about [my debt, making ends meet, providing for my future family]. I know you care for me and You will always provide for my needs and for my future family's needs. Please give me your peace and help me trust you with my future and my finances.

P.S. Remember to join our Facebook community for accountability throughout this challenge!

When you’re ready, here’s how we can help:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

Subscribe now

📖 A Bible verse to meditate on

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:2

I still remember a friend gently trying to tell me that I tended to come off as a perfect know it all.

My first reaction was to defend myself and get offended.

But no matter how much her comment hurt, I knew it was coming from a good place and that she was right: As a teenager, I would often act like I was always right because it covered up my deep insecurities of feeling I don't know anything. I felt like I had something to prove and it showed in my attitude.

It took years of prayer and work on myself to learn to manage that in my character. To resist the urge to have the last word. To choose my battles and learn to cover things in grace. To not resort to yelling. To admit that I don't know everything and that's okay.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and this part of my character is still something I have be aware of and control.

But change doesn't begin until you acknowledge where you are.

That's where the Holy Spirit comes into play.

The Holy Spirit uses God's Word, and sometimes, other people, to point out flaws in our character that require renewal and transformation. And any good character trait is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23); it's not something we can generate in our strength.

Proverbs 27:17 says that "As ion sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." That's true in the church, in friendships, and definitely in marriage.

So, if you want to be marriage ready, you've gotta work on being open to constructive feedback.

Now, this doesn't mean you need to take every person's thoughts on your character, but prayerfully ask the Lord to show you where your character may need growth to prepare you for what you're praying for.

Most likely, God will answer by using the people in your life - whether it's a sermon, your favorite podcastor, a friend, a parent - to do His refining work in you. It may be painful. It may not be what you want to hear.

But learning to have a posture open to receive wise counsel, even if it's constructive feedback, is gold for a thriving marriage.

📈 This month's marriage-ready challenge

Here is a list of common areas young women can improve in to set themselves up for marriage success based on working on my own character and from years of counseling other single young women.

Go through this list in prayer and ask the Lord to point you to which areas you can improve in.

If you have someone in your life who you trust to be frank with you, go over this list with them and ask them to provide honest feedback to you about these various character traits in you.

1. Do you tend to nag until you get what you want?

2. Do you think your way is generally the best way?

3. Do you tend to hold grudges?

4. Do you need to maintain control of everything in your life?

5. Have you been told you're not approachable or difficult to talk to?

6. Do you tend to dominate conversations (aka, more speaking, less listening)?

7. Are you easily offended?

8. Do you talk negatively about other people often (aka, gossip or slander)?

9. Do you tend to paint yourself as the victim in confrontational situations?

10. Do you tend to focus on other people's mistakes and slights more than you do on your own?

11. Do you have a critical spirit?

12. Do you generally expect someone else to apologize first?

13. Do you have a reputation of someone who cannot be trusted?

14. Are you quick to anger or yell? (Road rage counts as anger 😉)

If you answered yes / maybe / sometimes to any of these (be honest!), take that to the Lord in prayer and ask for His help in transforming these traits in you.

🙏Prayer prompt

Lord, show me the areas in my character where I need transformation.

Prepare me to be a woman of noble character who is compatible with and equally yoked to a man after Your heart. Prepare me for what You are preparing for me in my future.

God, I am struggling in [list the areas you noted above where you need growth in]. Please help me die to myself in these areas and help me in humility to value others above myself (Phil. 2:3-4).

You can also find specific verses in the Bible that address each of these character traits and pray that over yourself and your future.

For example, if you struggle with holding grudges, pray Matthew 6:14-15: "Father, help to forgive others as You have forgiven me."

Or Ephesians 4:31-32: "Lord, help me put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, malice, clamor and slander. Help me to be kind, tenderhearted, and quick to forgive as God in Christ has forgiven me."

P.S. Remember to join our Facebook community for accountability throughout this challenge!

When you’re ready, here’s how we can help:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

Subscribe now

The question of why you're single can often be answered as

(1) It's not God's will for you to be married right now or

(2) it's not God's timing for you to be married right now.

And in most cases, that is true, for there is a time and a season for everything, and "an inheritance claimed too soon will not be blessed at the end" (Proverbs 20:21).

But that answer isn't always the complete answer in every situation, because it leaves out a crucial point: our free will.

As Christians, be belong to a God who does not force His will on us. He guides, counsels, leads, provides, protects, but He does not force us to choose Him or His ways - that final act and choice is up to each one of us.

There's a difference between God's will and free will, and sometimes, we use God’s will as a coverup for our own disobedience or inaction.

The intricacies of God's sovereignty and free will is a complex topic that we can't even begin to cover in this post, but let's talk about it simply in the context of seeking marriage:

God is going to leave the final choice of who and when you marry with you.

Which means that some do remain single by choice.

For example, one of my mom's friends shared her testimony that has stuck with me since I first heard it over a decade ago: when she was a young woman, she was extremely outgoing and beautiful with an abundance of suitors.

Through out her twenties, she had three marriage proposals. All Godly, good men, but she rejected each one for what she described as superficial reasons because each time, she thought that maybe there's someone better out there.

In her thirties, after praying fervently for marriage, God told her that He had sent her three chances, and because of her prayers and in His mercy, He will send her one more choice, but it would be years down the line. If she rejected that option, there would be no more options.

In her mid-40's, a convicted felon who found God in prison joined her church. After a few months, he started to pursue her and eventually proposed. Everyone she knew told her to say no, that marrying a felon wasn't a good idea.

But she remembered that word from God about having one more chance at marriage and she said yes to the proposal. Y'all, they have one of the most beautiful marriages and a thriving prison ministry that they do together. Her husband is Godly, patient, kind, loving.

This is just one example where a woman's free will impacted the timing of her marriage.

Nine ways you may be keeping yourself single

"But I haven't gotten any marriage proposals or even been asked out on a date," you may say.

That's fair, but there are other ways we can reject God's opportunities for a relationship by exercising our free will based on our own judgment:

1. Not giving someone a chance because they aren't your "type" or some other vague, non-specific reason (this is why we recommend putting together a list of deal breakers and using our Dating Guide questions to vet someone for compatibility) (we talked about high standards vs. being too picky here!)

2. Going into or staying in a relationship with red flags because you feel the pressure to get married or feel like you're getting "too old" (in other words, you're not available for a healthy relationship because you're stuck in a toxic relationship)

3. Disobeying when God calls you to a specific assignment. For example, if God calls you to move to a certain state or country, but you stay where you are.

4. Waiting passively and expecting God to drop a spouse on your front door with zero initiative or action on your part (aka, God can't steer a parked car)

5. Not working to heal trauma from past relationships or from your childhood that causes you to sabotage your relationships or makes you too guarded to move forward in relationships

6. Clinging to one specific way you think a Godly love story should unfold and as a result, you're not open to other ways of meeting people or falling in love

7. Being too busy with your work or other earthly priorities, leaving no margin or time to focus on a relationship

8. Allowing other people's opinions dictate who and how you date and choose a spouse

9. Not preparing for what you're praying for in a marriage and relationship (that's why we created the Marriage Ready Challenge!)

Five examples from the Bible where people chose to take things into their own hands and do things their own way instead of waiting for God's timing or provision:

• Abraham slept with his wife's maid, Hagar, to make a son because it seemed like God's promise for a son with Sarah was taking too long (Genesis 16)

• Moses struck the rock instead of speaking to it as commanded because he was frustrated with the circumstances and complaining around him (Numbers 20)

• Jonah got on a boat to Tarshish instead of going to Nineveh to do what God was calling him to (Jonah 1)

• Saul got scared at the oncoming battle and thought Samuel was taking too long so he rushed to action and did not stay within the boundaries God set that a priest must offer the sacrifice (1 Samuel 13)

• Martha was more concerned with entertaining guests (aka, her "work") rather than spending time with Jesus (Luke 10)

As these Bible stories show us, God can and does redeem our choices to ultimately align with His will, but our disobedience and free will may delay or delete certain things God has in store for us.

Our choices always have consequences.

• Abraham’s son from Hagar, Ishmael is considered the forefather of Muhammad who founded the religion of Islam, a religion that has opposed Christianity for centuries

• Moses never entered the Promised Land because of his attitude and disobeying the Lord at that rock

• We all know how well things went for Jonah for his disobedience to God’s assignment. He eventually did complete the assignment and God’s will was done, but there was a rough detour for Jonah

• God took the kingdom away from Saul and chose David to rule instead because Saul took things into his own hands and colored outside the lines out of fear that God was taking too long

• Martha missed out on what Jesus had to teach her because she was too busy with her own work. Eventually Jesus set her straight and she shifted her priorities, but she missed out on a good chunk of learning at His feet because of her choices

All that being said, sometimes you can do all the “right” things and be walking in full obedience to the Lord, but still be single.

I remember in my single season when I felt like I had rubbed my soul raw trying to make myself “good enough” to be marriage material trying to figure out what I was doing wrong or what was wrong with me that I was still single. I wanted a checklist of things I could do to get me to where I wanted to be.

But the Lord would remind me that yes, there were things in me that needed renewal to make me more like Him, and therefore prepare me to be a Godly wife, but there is also a time and place that God ordained for my love story and nothing I could do would get me there faster than God wills.

When we yield ourselves fully to the Potter’s hands, he shapes and molds us to prepare us for what is waiting for us in the future. But it is only when the Potter deems us ready to be used for the purpose He is preparing us for that we step into the next season.

So, pray on this and ask God to give you wisdom to discern:

Is it not His timing for you to be married or is God waiting for you to do something before the next season is unlocked?

As St. Augustine wrote, "God provides the wind, man must raise the sail." God provides opportunities and wisdom, but it is ultimately up to us to make the ultimate decision. His will prevails, always, but His will is never forced on us.

Obey to do what the Holy Spirit points out to you to focus on in this season, and then God will do what only He can do, in His time.

“I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.” -Deuteronomy 30:19-20

Are you called to singleness?

When you’re ready, here are additional resources we’ve developed for you:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

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📖 A Bible verse to meditate on

And the Lord answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” -Habakkuk 2:2-3

If you've been around for a bit, you know we talk a lot about the importance of having a vision. Because few people ever get into a car with no destination in mind.

Our lives shouldn't be any different: you need to know where you want to end up, whether that's five, ten, twenty or sixty years from now.

Now, we're not ones to tell you to have a five year plan or map out the rest of your life when creating a vision for your life. Instead, we recommend thinking more about the kind of person you want to become and what kind of legacy you want to leave behind.

When you're 80 years old and looking back at the life you lived, what did your days consist of?

In what ways did you grow the kingdom of God and how did you multiply the resources and talents God entrusted to you?

When your obituary is written, what will people say about the life you lived and how you loved others?

God is a vision giver.

• Abraham was told he would become the father of many nations.

• Moses was told to lead God's people to the Promised Land.

• David was told he would become king over God's people.

• Mary was told she'd raise the son of God, the Messiah.

• Gideon was told to set God's people free.

But, too often, we miss out on our God-given vision because it may seem too intimidating or too big, or because we're too busy trying to conform with the people around us.

You don't need to know the details yet of how you'll get to where you want to be, but you need to know the general direction you want your life to take.

It's also okay to shift your vision from season to season, but you'll likely find that as you get older, your vision will become clear and the shifts will become more minor as you settle into the life you're building.

Having a clear life vision makes choosing a spouse so much easier too! We always advise singles to choose a spouse they are equally yoked with in values, vision and character.

In other words, find someone walking at the same pace, in the same direction and towards a similar destination as you.

But to do that, you need to know the direction you're going and the destination you want to arrive at.

That's why we're starting this challenge with putting down on paper what you envision for your life.

📈 This month's marriage-ready challenge

Write down a vision for your future marriage, family, and legacy. Be specific.

Pick a future date (for example, 10 years from today).

1. Where are you living?

2. How do you spend your days?

3. What do you do for work?

4. What kind of person are you?

5. Who is in your life?

We have a worksheet you can download below to help with this, breaking down your vision into four quadrants.

Note, as you picture God answering your prayers for your future, including marriage, be mindful of the fact that God may not have marriage in your future, so include in your future vision what you want to grow, do and become regardless of marital status.

We like to call it having two "Plans A" to enforce the point that both marriage and singleness are good. Neither season is a back up plan or "Plan B." Hopefully, doing the attached exercises dreaming of two "Plans A" will help you see that life can be just as full whether you're single or married and to note the overlapping dreams that apply whether you're single or married in 10 years.

Download January worksheets

Even if you've already done a vision setting exercise before, re-visit it again and see if anything has changed for you.

Bonus: Put together a Pinterest vision board of images that remind you of the vision and legacy you're building and praying for. You can then download images from Pinterest and use Canva to create a collage. Set the collage as your phone and/or desktop wallpaper to remind you what you're praying and preparing for.

🙏Prayer prompt

Pray daily for God’s guidance and clarity in vision.

We make plans but God directs our steps and makes them sure (Proverbs 16:9). So, take all your dreams and lay them down at the altar.

Ask God to show you what dreams to pick back up and which ones to leave at the altar, whether for a season or permanently.

Pray that God would shape your vision to align with your future spouse's vision and prepare each of you for the life you'll build together.

P.S. Remember to join our Facebook community for accountability throughout this challenge!

When you’re ready, here’s how we can help:

1. Our Dating Guide provides over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Expectant is a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

Helping Christian singles navigate singleness, dating and building a strong foundation for marriage.

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Picture the future you're praying for.

I'll give you a minute.

Close your eyes.

If all the prayers you're praying for were answered, what would life look like? How would your days look like? The home you live in? How would the lives of the people around you change?

Got it? Good.

Now, are you prepared for what you just envisioned? For what you're praying for?

You don't have to wait passively for your future spouse or for your dream life to "start" once you meet that special someone. You can thrive in and be content with the season you're in while also preparing for what you're praying for. That's what faith is.

This is why we created the Marriage Ready Challenge.

Each month, you’ll tackle a practical, biblically-based challenge that focuses on every area of your life: spiritual growth, communication, finances, Biblical gender roles, and more.

Here's what to expect:

On the first Wednesday of each month in 2025, Seek in Faith subscribers will get access to that month's Marriage Ready challenge, which will include:

• 📖 A Bible verse to meditate on

• 📈 A challenge to help prepare you for the marriage you're praying for

• 🙏Prayer prompt

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Here's the thing: God has a unique story written for each of us. You may be praying for a godly marriage, but what that looks like will be slightly different for each of us. So, our goal is not to give you a cookie cutter approach, but to provide prompts and tips that you can apply to the life and marriage you're praying for.

How to make the most of this challenge:

1. Pray, pray and pray. We can make all the plans to change, grow and prepare, but it is God who establishes our steps and plans, and the Holy Spirit helps us discern where we need to grow and what we need to prepare for.

2. Read each month's challenge and prayerfully journal through how to best apply it to your season, personality, and the future you're praying for.

3. Do the monthly challenge.

4. Join our private FB group for community and accountability.

5. Invite a friend to join you!

We're so excited to do this with you! It's going to be so, so good!

January challenge will be in your inbox next Wednesday!

Join the Facebook group

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I welcomed the 2020 new year at a party full of strangers, 700 miles from home, feeling incredibly sorry for myself and trying not to break down in tears in public.

My mom had forced me to go visit one of my close friends in Atlanta. My friend was newly married and her mother in law (who happens to be one of my mom's life long best friends) and my mom had schemed that my friend and her husband could take me to a youth new year's party at one of their local Slavic churches (I did not know about this part until after I landed in Atlanta!).

When I found out, I was mortified. It felt like a scarlet letter or a neon sign screaming "she's still single, folks!" We had just wrapped up a season of multiple weddings in our family, and it felt painfully obvious that my younger siblings and friends were getting married, but I was not. To have your mom basically ship you off as a 27 year old to another state in hopes you'd meet someone was like pouring salt on an open wound.

Exactly a year later, sitting at our church new year's eve 2021 celebration, I nervously shared with my sister in law that I was going on a date on January 2 with a guy I had met on Instagram a month ago. My SIL had briefly attended the same church as this guy, so I wanted to make sure he was who he said was and get her take on him.

Friend, you don't know what awaits you in 2025. You may meet your future husband. Or, you may not.

But if I could go back to younger me, throwing herself a pity party at a new year's party and wondering if it will ever by "my turn," here's what I'd tell her:

Stop asking, "Will I get married?" or "When will it be my turn?," instead live more as if was a done deal.

Now, you may say that's easy to say in hindsight now that I'm married. How can you say that if you're not sure if you'll ever get married? If you've never been on a real date? If there are no prospects in your life right now?

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." -Hebrews 11:1

Something life changing happens when you make the shift from "Will I?" to "He will." It is a freedom that is hard to explain.

It is knowing that God is on the job and you don't have to scheme, plan, chase or find your own love story.

Shifting your thoughts from "Will I?" to "He will," frees you up to focus on preparing for what He has in store for you.

I see single women trip up on this so often and then get stuck in self-pity and doubt. Honestly, I got tripped up in this often in my single season.

We spend so much time doubting if God has marriage in store for us, envying other people's love stories, or trying to figure out if this guy or that guy is the "the one."

Friend, that is wasted time and it's stealing from your future.

Because that time spent wondering and doubting is idleness. And God hates idleness.

It's time that could be spent doing the work God has called you to in the season you're in while also actively preparing for what you're praying for.

God expects to see progress and evidence of growth in season and out of season.

Because this is yet another mistake we can make as single women: we pray for marriage and a Godly spouse, but maybe because we doubt if it will happen or we don't want to get our hopes up, so we stop at prayer and don't go further to prepare for what we're praying for.

I'm so tired of seeing words and resources directed at single women that are full of fluffy "encouragement," when what is really needed is practical preparation. Looking back at my single season, that's what I craved and searched out most, but found this severely lacking.

Proverbs 24:27 says, "Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house."

In other words, prepare the soil of your heart and life for marriage and family life and then go seek out marriage.

Gather the resources you'll need to build the kind of marriage and family you're praying for and dreaming of.

Become the kind of woman who would be equally yoked to the kind of man you want to marry.

Start building a foundation for your marriage and bring good to your husband (Pr. 31:12) long before you meet.

• The widow of Zarephath received as much oil as she prepared jars for. Once the jars ran out, the oil stopped (1 Kings 17 and 2 Kings 4).

• In 1 Kings 18, Elijah told Ahab to go prepare his chariot because the rain was coming. After 3.5 years of no rain, it was probably hard for anyone to take Elijah seriously that today would be the day the rain would finally come.

• In 2 Kings 3, three kings prepared for battle by digging ditches to catch water that God promised to provide.

If you're praying for rain, prepare for the rain and live as if the rain is coming.

If you're praying for marriage, prepare for the marriage you're praying for and live as if it done and coming your way any day now.

For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ -Luke 14:28-30

Because what if God is waiting on your obedience to unlock what He has prepared for you?

What if there are certain steps you need to take and certain growth that needs to happen in you before you can step into the love story God has for you?

This new year, pray for discernment and ask God where He needs you in 2025 and what work He has for you this year. Ask Him to open doors of opportunity for you and for courage to step through those open doors.

You may meet your spouse doing the work God has given you in this season. Or, you may not meet your future spouse this year, but the work you complete this year will prepare you for what God is preparing for you.

So, how would your life change if you consistently shifted your mind to "He will" instead of "will I?"? What does actively preparing for what you're praying for look like for you in this season?

Because if marriage is waiting for you in 2025, we want you to walk into marriage prepared.

As we always say, find and marry the person who is walking in the same direction, towards the same destination and at the same speed as you.

When you're individually each doing what God has called you to do in your own lanes and are both working to build similar visions, merging lives and visions will be seamless.

Don't be the one holding your future spouse back from the vision and life you want to build together because you didn't do your prep work beforehand.

But, we don't just want to talk about how important this is; we want to provide you with practical tips and actionable resources to help you prepare for marriage.

📈 Join us for the Marriage-Ready Challenge in 2025 to help you build a strong foundation for a Godly marriage.

Each month, you'll tackle practical, Biblically-based challenges that focus on every area of your life: spiritual and personal growth, communication, finances, homemaking and more!

More details coming to your inbox later this week!

Subscribe now

What to expect in 2025 from Seek in Faith:

1. First Wednesday of each month (email): The monthly Marriage-Ready mini challenge sent to your inbox

2. Third Wednesday of each month (email): A long-form blog post with practical advice and encouragement to help you navigate singleness, dating & preparing for marriage

3. Spring 2025: A audio course and/or cohort for single women on the framework of a Godly wife so you know what you can start working on today to prepare for the marriage and life you're praying for.

Excited to continue with you on this journey in 2025!

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Let's say you meet a great, Godly guy. He has many of the characteristics you're looking for in a future husband, you've been getting to know each other and things seem to be getting more serious.

But there appear to be some things missing that you want in your future husband.

It's something I hear often from single women: "He's a great, Godly, guy, but he's not my type," or "but he isn't involved in church ministry," or "but he lives in a different state / country" or "he has a past," or “but his vision isn’t as ambitious as mine.”

Often, we let whatever comes after the "but" become something we try to take on as a project to fix. We take it as almost a personal mission from God to turn a guy into our ideal man based on the potential we see in him and/or the expectations we have for our future spouse and marriage.

You think you can turn him into a spiritual leader, convince him to move to your home state once you marry, or help him get a better paying job or better looking clothes.

The common pitfall: falling for potential

When we teach our Dating Seminars, my husband and I always emphasize that if you do not fully accept and love someone for who they are now, you shouldn't marry them.

Yes, people grow, evolve and change over the course of a lifetime - that is part of life, and once you marry, you navigate those changes together as a couple.

But that kind of change and growth is different from trying to force someone to change who they are to align with your personal expectations.

Often, when you marry for potential, you end up using whatever you deemed as the person's potential as the standard you expect of them. And almost always, they're likely to fail and not meet that expectation. In fact, it may have the opposite effect.

Let's take Jane Doe as an example: Jane meets a cute, Godly man and thinks he has the potential to be a spiritual leader. Jane's definition of a spiritual leader is someone who is very charismatic, outspoken about his faith, reads his Bible daily, leads his family in devotions, prays with his wife, and is involved in church ministry, preferably center stage.

The guy Jane is dating is introverted and a deep thinker, but based on their conversations, she sees that he has a sound theology, so she think he has the potential to grow into the spiritual leader she envisions.

They get married, and nothing changes as Jane thought it would. Her husband doesn't seem to want to do devotions together. He isn't interested in a church leadership position, nor does he ever want to be doing public speaking on any stage. He isn't praying aloud over Jane and their home like Jane's friend says her husband does (at least based on her social media posts).

So, Jane starts to grumble, first to herself and then to her husband that he isn't living up her spiritual leader expectations. She asks why he doesn't want to do this and that. She tells him that so and so's husband does this.

This turns into arguments. Her husband seems to withdraw more and more. Their physical intimacy struggles. In time, Jane wonders if she made a mistake in marrying this man.

Do you see what's happening here?

Jane married potential. But not her husband's potential, even though she may claim it to be so. She married her definition of potential for her husband. She wanted for him what he never wanted for himself.

Instead of seeing and accepting her future husband for who he is and prayerfully building him up to be all that God created Him to be based on his unique characteristics and vision, she projected her own expectations and vision onto him and was left disappointed when her husband inevitably fell short of what he never was, could be nor wanted to be.

So, are you just stuck with what you get and that's it?

Is it bad to expect more from your spouse or desire growth for them, especially if you see all that you think they could be and it aligns with what they want for themselves too?

Make your spouse's vision the plumb line for their potential

Here's a mindset shift that helps navigate this: choose a spouse for character and vision, not potential.

One of the topics we urge every single couple to discuss before marriage, and regularly after marriage, is vision. We even created an entire guide around this to help couples have this conversation.

Ask a guy you're dating what his vision is for his life, and then evaluate if that is a vision you are willing to sign up to help build and how his vision would blend with your vision.

Because you cannot envision more for someone than they do for themselves, even if you think it’s for their good.

For example, if you want your spouse to get healthy and lose weight, until they want that for themselves and there is a mindset shift for them to desire this, nothing you do will make him or her lose weight.

Vision is important, but vision alone isn't enough. One must also have the character that aligns with the vision they are striving to achieve. Character is the surest indicator of the kind of spouse and parent you will become.

More than words: verify vision through action

Here's the thing: if there's no plan behind a vision, it will forever stay just a vision.

For example, let's say you're dating a guy who says he wants to start his own HVAC business, but for the last few years and currently he's been working as an over the road truck driver. He says he'll eventually quit and pursue HVAC, but he's taken zero steps towards becoming a certified HVAC specialist or educating himself on how to run a business.

He has a vision, but he has no plan to achieve that vision, nor is he taking steps towards achieving that vision.

So, if you marry him with the expectation that you'll have a husband who is home most nights because he has his own HVAC business, you're in the same boat as the woman who married for her version of a guy’s potential: you'll likely be disappointed and end up married to an over the road truck driver who is only home on weekends.

Yes, there are exceptions. Yes, he may eventually make the change. But you can't marry with the expectation that you'll be the exception, that he'll change for you, that things will be different when x, y, z happens.

You accept him as he is, even as you also evaluate what a future would be like with him if you both are working towards your shared vision.

Aligning future plans with current realities

Remember the story of the cursed fig tree in Matthew 21 and Mark 11?

Jesus came up to the fig tree expecting to see fruit, but when there was none He cursed it and the tree withered and died. There's a phrase in there though that used to trip me up: "because it was not the season for figs" (Mark 11:13).

As someone who talks about seasons a lot, I remember reading that and thinking how unfair it was of Jesus to expect fruit when it was not the season for it.

There are a lot of commentaries and interpretations about this passage, but the one that struck me is this:

some scholars say that although it wasn't the season for figs, this particular tree in that region of the world would have been expected to show signs that it bears fruit even "out of season," so something about this tree that Jesus approached showed that it was not in fruit bearing capacity.

Take this parable and apply it to dating: when you find yourself admiring a beautiful, leafy tree that seems like it has the potential to yield an amazing harvest or paints an amazing vision, look deeper:

• Are there signs that he or she is working on yielding the fruit he or she promises or speaks of?

• Or is it a dead tree with no signs of ever reaching their God-given potential or vision? Just empty, pretty words?

It doesn't matter if it's the season for the vision or not: what matters is if the core infrastructure is alive and there are signs of growth and progress + if that tree can even bear the kind of fruit you want to eventually harvest from that tree.

"You will know them by their fruits. So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit." -Matthew 7:16-17

You cannot marry an apple tree, thinking they have the potential to make oranges because you always envisioned yourself as a family of oranges - you'll end up disappointed when you harvest apples every year, even after trying every gimmick to change the tree and praying for God to turn your apple tree into an orange tree because that’s what you thin is best.

You also can't marry a tree full of leaves that is dead inside and cannot bear fruit with the expectation that something will change after you say “I do” to make the tree come alive and exchange the leaves for fruit.

All that being said, yes, we do belong to a God who can make dead bones come alive and who can transform people. But Jesus also cursed a tree that didn't bear fruit as it should, even though he could have also easily restored it to bear fruit. Which is why discernment in choosing a spouse is vital.

The overall message we teach in our dating ministry is this: have the conversations that will help you determine what you're signing up for by marrying someone:

• What will life together be like?

• What will marriage to this person be like?

• What's their vision?

• Who are they at their core? When no one is watching?

• What kind of parent will they make?

Seek out those answers, and take them at their word, but also verify their answers by the fruit you see in the person's life to see if their words align with their actions.

Marry them for who they are (character) and for the vision they are actively working on building (not merely talking about a vision).

So, let's go back to those "but" statements we began with.

Would you be content and thrive being married to him even though he isn't your "type"?

Would you be content and thrive being married to him if never got involved in church ministry the way you picture he should?

Would you be content and thrive being married to him if you had to move to where he is and if he'll never change his mind to move to where you are, even after you have kids and really want to closer to your family?

Would you be content and thrive being married to him regardless of his past?

Would you be content and thrive building up his vision for your life and family?

Would you be content and thrive being married to him if he never reaches the potential you envision for him and/or he never lives up to your expectation of your ideal husband?

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Thanksgiving 2020, my family rented a cabin at the lake. My little sister and her husband got there late since they were driving down from Iowa. Laying in bed, I heard my sister share the news with my parents that she was pregnant, and as I processed their news in the dark of my room, I bawled my eyes out.

Because it felt like everyone was moving on without me. Six of my younger siblings got married before me. They were starting their families and it felt like the Lord had passed me by. At 29, many people I knew had written me off, figuring I’d never get married.

The next morning, I pretended to be surprised when I heard the news. I put a smile on my face and pretended my heart wasn’t breaking inside. I was happy for my sister but my heart also hurt for myself and the continued absence of the marriage and family I had been praying for year after year.

I remember sitting on the back patio overlooking the lake that day and reading about the woman with the flow of blood. And my heart prayed for faith to reach out to Him.

As I journaled out my prayers, my Bible open next to me, the date of May 22, 2021 came to mind. I felt a push to tell my family I’d be getting married next May. Which was wild because it was six months away and I had zero prospects.

Hesitantly, I told my family that night. Some of them laughed; others just smiled and nodded.

I wanted to take it back, because what if I was just making things up out of desperation?

Four days later, a handsome cowboy replied to one of my stories on Instagram.

A month later, we went on our first date.

Two months later, he proposed.

We got married on May 16, 2021.

Turns out, if we didn’t want to wait a year or two to get married, our only options for local venues within a year were May 16 or Father’s Day in June and since my little sister was due to have her baby at the end of May, we went with the earlier date hoping that baby wouldn’t come early and she’d make it to our wedding. I also didn’t tell Daniel about the significance of the May wedding date until after we booked the venue.

The following Thanksgiving, it was my husband and I sharing the news that we were expecting a baby.

A lot can happen in a year, friend. I know that the holidays can be difficult when it feels like you're the only one not part of a couple or without a family to call your own.

Two weeks before all this unfolded, I felt God calling me to praise Him. "I know how to ask, but I don't know how to praise you and thank you for something that I still don't have or even know if / when it will come to be," I wrote in my prayer journal.

So, when I couldn't find my own words, I would write out Psalms and passages from the Bible about God's faithfulness and His character of doing good for those who trust in Him. The words from those Psalms became my prayer of praise.

I prayed as if it was already done. I'd done that before, but this time, I did my best to believe it too. And when I couldn't, I asked Him to teach me to live a life of worship - to praise Him for today's blessings in the season I was in and for what he was preparing for me in the future.

I heard a testimony on a podcast about a woman who had a dream of living on a homestead and everything changed for her when her prayers shifted from asking to thanking. She began to thank God for the property He had set aside for their family. As if it was a done deal and it was only a matter of timing. That unlocked what their family was praying for. Because gratitude makes what we have enough, even if it’s not where we want to be.

God is worthy of our praise, even when the answers we seek from Him are not what we want them to be.

Praise Him for where you are and for what you're asking Him for. Remind yourself of who You're praying to.

Because that's what changes everything. The bleeding woman's faith was in who she believed Jesus was and what He could do. She reached out believing He was able to give her the thing she had been spent years searching for but instead getting rejection after rejection, empty promise after empty promise.

Our praise says that we believe He is able. That He will do it. Our praise gives Him honor and reminds us to whom we offer our prayers to and who is at work in response.

Next holiday season, it could all be different. But even it not, He is still good 🤎

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Faith is the confidence that we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. -Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

Promises are obtained through faith, and waiting is the process that gets you there.

If you’ve ever had to wait for an extended period of time for something, then you know just how difficult it is to have faith as the days turn into years of unanswered prayers. Some days, you want to give up. 

Yet, faith perseveres regardless of the difficulties that might stand in the fulfillment of the promise. Like when yet another month passes by and no one asks you out on a date, when yet another one of your friends get married and you’re single in your thirties, or receiving yet another rejection as you continually pursue your calling.

Faith begins where human ability ends. We use this word so loosely, not fully understanding how powerful and difficult to live out this word truly is.

I always thought I knew what faith was until I wanted to deepen my prayer life.

You see, I wanted to become a prayer warrior - the kind of woman who prays and God moves. Quickly, God showed me that a woman like that is a woman of faith and not the kind of weak and passive faith I knew. Because a woman like that keeps praying and believing even when years pass without an answer; even if the answer doesn't come in her lifetime.

God told Jeremiah to buy land in his hometown — but the land was in a war zone, and Jeremiah was in prison. Right before God asked Jeremiah to buy the land, the Lord promised that He would bring back His people to Judah and that they would once again possess fields and vineyards in Judah (see Jeremiah 32:1-25).

God made a promise and then asked Jeremiah to act in faith - to put his money where no logical person would want to invest. Today, the investment looked bleak. But Jeremiah lived in tomorrow, where God already was: a God for whom nothing was too hard to do; a God who promised; a God of His word. 

Maybe Jeremiah wished to buy the land privately, just in case it didn’t come to be, so he wouldn’t be ashamed for his foolish investment, or maybe he was tired of being mocked for his prophecies. But God told him to call witnesses and do it publicly. Jeremiah paid for the land, and he put away the signed deeds in vessels for safekeeping. 

Jeremiah acted on a promise. As W. A. Salter wrote,

“This is the very nature of faith; it does the thing or it receives the thing, it fears or it hopes as the case may be, wholly because God has spoken. If it embraces a promise, it rests upon its hope in the word of the Lord.”

Because faith is God's warranty, certifying that the revelation He promised will come to pass.

Act like one who believes God’s words will be fulfilled. Live like it has been done. It might make you look like a fool because it makes no sense to the world. Make the investment in your future and in God’s promises anyway. Live as one wholly beloved by a God who keeps His promises. 

Jeremiah never lived to see the promise fulfilled in his lifetime. He never married. Didn’t have kids. I don’t know what happened to the land - maybe the cousin charged with safekeeping the deeds inherited. But the promise was fulfilled for God's people and they did come home from captivity.

So, maybe the point wasn’t for Jeremiah to get the land. Maybe Jeremiah was merely a vessel used by God to illustrate His promise boldly for the Israelites and a way for Jeremiah to grow in his trust of God. 

Steps taken in obedience cultivate a deep faith and unlock eternal treasures. So, if God asks something of you. Do it. Take His promises for yourself. Hope in Him. Live it out publicly. Your obedience will not be put to shame.

If God said He will do it, so He will. 

This is an excerpt from our devotional, Expectant. You can download a digital copy this week for 30% off (code: GRATEFUL). It is also available in print on Amazon.

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Seeking a spouse is different today than it was in previous generations. Here's how:

1. People are marrying later: In 2022, the median age of first marriage was 30 for men and 28 for women. In 1956, the median marriage age was 22.5 for men and 20 for women.

2. Marriage is out of vogue: Due to social and cultural changes, especially in the U.S., marriage isn't as popular or common as it used to be. In 2021, the marriage rate hit an all-time low, and although it's started to increase since then, it's not anywhere near to what it used to be in our parents and grandparent's generations. In the UK, more than half of women aged 34 or under are unmarried, and the majority are now childless by their 30th birthday. In the US, 45% of women are predicted to be childless and unmarried by 2030. It is more common now to have multiple sexual partners, live together without getting married, or to stay single much longer than ever before.

3. Divorce is more common: With divorce rates hovering between 40-50% in the last few decades, you have generations of kids coming from divorced homes. Seeing a broken marriage impacts how you view and approach marriage.

4. Where and how we meet potential spouses has shifted in the last decade. For example, in 1998, 2% of married couples met online, but by 2017, that rose to 50%! This is a cool graphic to show how things have changed. Gone are the days where you met and married someone in your local church and community; now, we have the entire world as a potential dating pool. Yes, more options is generally good, but the abundance of choice can sometimes lead to “choice paralysis,” where people keep searching for a “perfect” match instead of committing.

5. Shifting societal views and norms on gender roles: Over the last few decades, there have been major shifts in how society views gender roles - we went from the feminism movement in the 1970's to the current trad wives movement (two opposites shaping one generation - girls growing up in feminist homes and now getting married and becoming moms with trad wives dominating social media). More women than ever before are also getting an education in the U.S. and staying in the workforce. A recent survey by the American Enterprise Institute found that 46% of white Gen Z women identify as liberal, compared to only 28% of white Gen Z men. There are so many other cultural nuances and shifts that shape how we approach choosing a spouse and building a family.

6. Political views are becoming more polarized and impacting relationships: Only 37% of liberals in the US are married, compared to 56% of conservatives. The marriage gap between liberals and conservatives is the biggest among young women. Furthermore, 86% of Americans believe that it has become more difficult to date someone who supports the opposing party, and most would refuse to date someone with different views.

7. Dating has changed: Casual dating as we see today is a new concept. It's common for people to have dated multiple people before marrying, and even the word "dating" means something different to everyone (which is why we have an entire section on dating in our Dating Guide to help you figure out if you're both defining dating the same way and what to expect).

8. Masculinity & femininity have changed: Due to many of the reasons cited above + other societal shifts, masculinity and femininity has been watered down significantly, even in religious circles. For example, you see more women taking the lead and more men being more passive. This is not only in the dating realm, but in life in general, where it's not uncommon for women to "get their life together" earlier than men or have men stuck in boyhood and not ready to pursue a woman or lead a family.

This is not an all inclusive list and it's very high level, but you get the idea: dating today is very different than it was for our parents and grandparent's generation (which is probably why our parents and grandparents can't seem to understand us when we say it's hard to find a spouse nowadays!).

Interestingly though, it appears that even though how we meet people has changed, the factors we evaluate in choosing a spouse have remained relatively unchanged in the last few decades.

A Federal Reserve Bank study found that there are strong preferences for marrying someone of the same race and someone with more or less the same education and age, but everyone preferred someone with higher income and skill levels. However, if you expand the data beyond 2008 and loop in data from 1960-1980, the results show that people have increased their preferences for mates who have the same income, education and skill levels. So maybe we’re on to something with our Dating Guide where we encourage you to choose a spouse you’re equally yoked with!

So, in the midst all of these shifts, how do you go about seeking a Godly spouse who aligns with your values and vision?

Here are some of our tips:

Know your deal breakers

These include values and characteristics that are non-negotiable for you: if someone doesn't have them, you won't marry them. Keep this list short with only the top priority items and move everything else on your wish list to "nice to have" vs. "must have."

Our Dating Guide has over 150 questions for couples to talk about to determine whether you're equally yoked and compatible (and what being married to each other would be like!) + we include worksheets to help you evaluate each other's answers compared to your deal breakers.

Be clear about what you want from the beginning

A few weeks into getting to know each other, I asked Daniel what his expectations were for moving things forward in a relationship. My personal boundary has always been that if after talking to / dating a guy for three months, things don't look like they're moving toward marriage within a year, then that's my answer and I move on. Daniel told me his personal line was more wait a year and then see if things should move towards marriage. I could see he was a bit wary by my three month mark, but we agreed to re-visit this at three months. Daniel ended up proposing exactly three months after we met, not because of my "rule" but because he knew he wanted to marry me and didn't see the point of waiting a year (we were long-distance so that sucked too!).

I'll be honest: stating my expectations clearly has made guys say "no thank you" and move on from me, because they wanted something more casual and drawn out, but I'm glad that's how it worked out - we weren't on the same page, so it would have been a waste of time for both of us!

If you want to date with the intention of moving towards marriage but the other person just wants to have fun and has no real desire to commit, it's better to know that from the beginning. If the other person wants to have sex before marriage but that’s against your convictions, then talk about this from the beginning.

Heal your trauma

If you have hurt stored up from past relationships or from your parent's marriage that is influencing how you date and choose a spouse, focus on healing that first through prayer, finding a Godly mentor, journaling, therapy, or whatever it takes to ensure you don't let your your past negatively influence into your future.

Be open to the unexpected

There was a time when I said I'd never marry someone I met online, but I'm glad God worked on my heart to be open to seeing His hand in unexpected ways since I ended up meeting my husband on Instagram (we had friends in common and our paths crossed in real life over the years, but we didn't actually notice each other until we connected on IG). I also never saw myself marrying a cowboy or someone younger than me, but now I can't imagine why I ever wanted to marry someone other than a cowboy.

God knows what is best for us and what is in our future, so He is the best one to help us choose a spouse we're equally yoked with in values, character and vision. So, hold that wish list with open hands, pray for God to prepare you for your future and if an unexpected door of opportunity opens up, say yes!

Pray specifically and without ceasing

If you want to be a stay home mom and wife, then pray for a husband who makes enough to support a lifestyle like that. Regardless of what culture around us believes, or how much of a minority you feel like with your beliefs and values, remember that God is able to bring up for you what you're praying for, even if it's a one in a billion chance.

When Elijah, the prophet felt like he was the only one left standing, God told him that he still has 7,000 other people who did not bow down to Baal (1 Kings 19:18). You may feel like there's no one left to match your values or vision, but even if that was the case, God can use your prayers to shape your future spouse to rise to the occasion.

Prepare for what you're praying for

Let's keep the same example going - if you want to be a stay home mom someday, but you're single into your 20's or 30's, choose a career path and work that will yield itself to flexible work or work from home arrangements so that if you do have to work for whatever reason as a mom, you have flexibility to still be present at home with your kids.

Faith is preparing for what you're praying for. It doesn't matter what other relationships or marriages are like around you - if you want something specific for your future, even if it's counter cultural, then pray and prepare for that and choose a spouse who also has a similar vision for their marriage and life.

Don’t underestimate the value of in-person connection

You may meet someone online, but don’t stay there too long. Invest in in-person, real life connections: phones put away, eye contact, quality time and meaningful, deep conversations.

On that note, practice becoming a really good conversationalist - this is becoming a lost skill in a digital generation but strong communication skills are the cornerstone of a thriving relationship.

Ladies, embrace your femininity

The world tries to tell women to be more independent, more assertive, more like men. Don't buy into it. Study God's word on this topic and ask Him to shape you to be a woman after His heart.

I recognize that it is common for women today to work in professions that are predominantly male and thus may require you to step up and be a leader, independent, or take on more masculine traits. That's okay, just don't let what happens in your work life spill into your personal life. Practice in your personal life allowing a guy to take initiative, pursue, lead.

You can be strong and feminine; independent and dependent; a leader in your work and submissive to your husband. These traits are not mutually exclusive - it's more about knowing how and when to wield the tools at your disposal as appropriate for the occasion.

—

There's so much to be said about this topic because it truly is a whole different world when it comes to choosing a spouse today. But the core of it is this:

Date how God leads and convicts you to seek a spouse, even if it looks different to how everyone else is dating.

I was told so often when I was single that if I didn't casually date around, I'd never get married. Well, they were wrong. My first real in person date was with my now husband. We made it official at the end of our first date (that lasted 9 hours!) and got two months later.

Our love story is not going to be the same as yours, and that's a good thing. It's also okay if your love story doesn't include dating like the world dates, casually and without intending to commit to more. Put yourself out there, meet potential spouses, talk to guys, but be firm in your standards and convictions on how you date and seek a spouse.

God is writing a unique story for you, whether that includes marriage or not, and those who trust in Him will not be put to shame or disappointed.

Until next time,

Yelena

P.S. Have a question for us that you’d like to answer in a future issue of Seek in Faith? Reply to this email and we’ll add it to the queue.

When you’re ready, here’s how we can help:

1. Download our Dating Guide with over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Order Expectant, a devotional for women in waiting seasons.

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It's election week in the U.S.. Regardless of what political party you're affiliated with, this is a time when political and social views dominate conversations. Here are some considerations on the importance of aligning on political and social views in choosing a spouse:

Don't make the decision based on the party; focus on the underlying issues

It's a cop out to to say, "I only date Republicans" or "I'd never marry a Democrat." Why? Because nowadays, there is such a wide spectrum of what it means to vote Republican or Democrat. It's become more about issues than parties.

So, instead of simply vetting someone based on whether they call themselves a Democrat or Republican, ask specific questions about why they vote the way they do. Ask what political and social issues are the most important to them and why (we have questions on these topics in the Dating Guide if you need ideas on how to approach this conversation with someone you're interested in!).

Because a person's views on political and social issues doesn't just impact how they vote, it impacts how they live and make decisions. Which means if you marry someone with vastly opposing social and political beliefs, this will likely be a point of constant tension in your marriage.

For example, it likely will impact how you parent, how you get along with each other's friends and family, how you spend your money, and so much more. Yes, it is possible to overcome the tension and make it work, but be sure you're willing to sign up for that for life for yourself and any future children you may have.

Identify your deal breakers

Be very clear on your deal breakers - these are the things your future spouse must have and if they don't, you won't marry them. Your deal breakers may include certain social and political views. If so, be firm in that - don't waver, no matter how "good" or "cute" the other person is, how much you want to get married, or how much you like how they make you feel. A lifetime is a long time to be married to a person who doesn't share your values.

As you identify your deal breakers, educate yourself on the social and political issues you say you care about (or the issues that influence how you vote). Don't just parrot what influencers, politicians, your parents, your pastor or others say you should believe on a certain topic. Pray through it for yourself. Study what God's word says on the topic. Do your research. Come to a relationship with your own view point before you vet someone else's viewpoint.

It's okay if you're not 100% aligned on all political and social issues as a couple

Once you've talked about what each of your views on political and social issues, both the ones that are important to each of you and the topics that are currently trending, evaluate if based on what you learned, you would be okay building a life with someone with those views and beliefs, including raising children with their beliefs and views.

Realistically, you likely won't align 100% on all social and political issues. That is healthy and normal. Make sure you align on the important things, including your deal breakers, and that you're okay yoking yourself with the rest that maybe you don't fully align on.

Consider if you're willing to take on their beliefs as your own if it comes to it

Like with any merger, when you start your own family, with time, one person's views/preferences/habits will influence the other person's. You'll blend into one in your marriage, balancing out each other's strengths and witnesses, so ask yourself: if this person's beliefs end up being stronger than mine on this topic, am I okay to take on their beliefs as my own if it comes to it? It may come to this, or it may not, but it's important to consider the possibility, especially if the other person is really firm or passionate about the topic.

For example, if you marry into a family that has a long line of Republican politicians in the family and you're a Democrat, and you know the guy is close to his family and easily influenced by his family's opinion, consider the tensions that could cause if you two differ on multiple political and social issues and whether you're willing to submit to his leadership on those political and social topics if need be.

Note, this doesn't only apply to political and social views, but to everything. Even things as simple as you're a night owl, but they're a morning bird. If it comes to it that you need to get on the same schedule to better your married life, are you willing to shift your schedule for early mornings?

This is why we advocate so passionately for couples to go through the Dating Guide and discover where each party stands on certain topics and if based on the answers you each get, you're willing to sign up for a life with that person and all of their beliefs, views, and habits.

When you’re ready, here’s how we can help:

1. Download our Dating Guide with over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.

2. Order Expectant, a devotional for women in waiting seasons.