Patrick Coughlin’s mother answered her phone and heard what she believed was her daughter’s voice — screaming, crying, begging for help. A man came on the line. He said he had her daughter. He wanted $1,200 to let her go.

The voice was real. Her daughter’s voice, cloned by AI from audio that scammers could find in seconds.

Patrick has spent more than twenty years in cybersecurity, protecting governments and Fortune 500 companies from digital threats. His mother is sharp. She’s connected. She has two sons who work in tech.

It almost worked.

I want you to sit with that for a moment. Because I know what a lot of us think when we hear about scams.

My parents would know better. My parent is too smart for that.

And what Patrick’s mother’s story tells us is that smart has nothing to do with it.

These scams are not about intelligence. They are about psychology. They are engineered to bypass every rational defense we have and go straight for what is most human in us: our love for the people we’re trying to protect.

What we’re actually dealing with right now

The scams most of us picture, badly written emails, strange requests from a Nigerian prince, are relics. What Patrick describes in his book Dark Side of the Boom and in our conversation on From Guilt to Good is something else entirely.

Today’s scammers use voice cloning technology to replicate your child’s voice from a few seconds of audio found on social media. They have a deepfake video that makes a face move and speak in real time. They use caller ID spoofing to make their call appear to come from your bank, your doctor’s office, or a family member’s number. And they have near-total impunity: only 0.05% of scammers ever face legal consequences.

Americans 60 and over lost an estimated record $81.6 billion in 2025, an average of more than $38,500 per victim.

That number is not about vulnerability in the way we usually mean it. Patrick is clear on this: older adults are targeted because they hold significant wealth, and because scammers are sophisticated enough to engineer exactly the kind of emotional trigger that will cause anyone, regardless of age or experience, to act before they think.

The shame that keeps everyone silent

Here’s what I’ve been thinking about since our conversation.

Most Caregivers I know are already carrying a weight of guilt that would flatten most people. Guilt for not being present enough, for needing a break, for the hundred small moments when they couldn’t be what their loved one needed. And now we’re adding this: the fear that if our parent gets scammed on our watch, that is somehow our fault too.

Patrick talks about shame in his new book, Dark Side of the Boom. The shame that keeps scam victims from reporting, that keeps families from talking about what happened, that lets scammers operate with near-total impunity because the silence is so complete. Most people who are scammed never tell anyone.

I understand that shame. I also know it’s misplaced.

Falling for a sophisticated AI scam is not a failure of intelligence or love. It is a crime perpetrated by people who have studied human psychology and built tools specifically designed to exploit it. The shame belongs to them. Not to the person who answered the phone. Not to the Caregiver who wasn’t there to intercept the call.

The conversation worth having, and how to have it

One of the things I asked Patrick was how we talk to our parents about this without it feeling like we’re taking something from them. Their confidence. Their independence. Their sense that they can still manage their own lives.

His answer was something I’ve been turning over ever since. The goal isn’t to make our Loved ones afraid. It’s to give them one habit that breaks the pattern before it can complete itself.

He calls it a second-channel check. It’s simple: if you get an alarming call or message, hang up. Don’t call back the number that called you. Find the person through a channel you already have, a number you’ve always used, a direct call to a family member, and verify. That one pause, that one detour, interrupts most scams before any money moves.

It’s the kind of thing that’s easy to say and hard to remember in the moment when you think someone you love is in danger. Which is exactly why it’s worth practicing before that moment arrives.

A free tool, right now

Patrick built something after his mother’s call. He and his brother Ryan wanted there to be a place anyone could go when something felt off, a weird text, a suspicious email, a phone script that didn’t quite sound right, and get a plain-English answer about whether it was a scam.

It’s called Scamwise, and it’s free. No account, no app, no personal information required. You go to scamwise.com, paste in whatever looks suspicious, and get an answer. It shares data with the FTC and FBI. It takes about thirty seconds. Since its launch, Scamwise’s threat-detection models have reviewed nearly 100,000 submissions, with more than half identified as scams.

This is the thing I wish I’d had when my mother was alive. Not because she couldn’t be careful, but because I was the one she called when something felt off. And I wasn’t always available. And sometimes things moved faster than I could keep up with.

Scamwise.com is built for exactly that gap.

What Savi Security just launched

When Patrick and I recorded this conversation, Savi Security was still building toward something. Now, it’s here!

The Savi app is now available on iOS and Android. It’s the first always-on app built to protect families from AI-powered scams, using behavioral AI to analyze the content and patterns behind calls, messages, and digital communications before you ever engage with them. Not a filter that catches some things. A proactive layer that works in the background, so you don’t have to be vigilant every single moment.

Sandwich generation Caregivers are increasingly left to manage this risk across their families, often from a distance and without the visibility or tools to do it effectively. That sentence landed hard for me. Because that is exactly what so many of us are doing. Managing digital safety for our parents from another city, another state, another timezone just hoping nothing slips through while we’re not watching.

Savi is built for that gap.

Scamwise is now available inside the Savi app as well as at scamwise.com. You can learn more and download the app at savisecurity.com.

Watch to our conversation.

Listen to the full episode right here or wherever you get your podcasts. And when you’re done, go to scamwise.com and savisecurity.com. Check them out. Share Scamwise with your parent and put it in your back pocket for the next time something feels off. And look at Savi Security’s features to see how it can help you, your parents, and your family stay safe.

You’re already carrying enough. This one’s easy.

🫶🏼

Note: This article includes a paid partnership with Savi.

Caregivers are used to being “on call.”
But what happens when the person constantly blowing up your phone is just as stressful as the person you’re caring for—and you can’t simply block, mute, or walk away?

In this episode of From Guilt to Good, I sit down with Sol Kennedy, founder of BestInterest, an AI-powered co-parenting communication app designed to help people navigate high-conflict relationships after divorce. While the app was built for co-parents, so many family caregivers will recognize themselves in the stories we discuss: narcissism, addiction, past abuse, difficult family dynamics, and the pressure to always be available.

Sol is a former Google product manager who left a decade-long tech career to become a full-time dad. In the middle of a high-conflict divorce, he discovered how deeply his nervous system was being impacted by every ding, notification, and hostile message. That experience eventually led him to create BestInterest—an “emotional firewall” that filters messages, delays non-urgent communication, and helps people protect their peace while still staying informed about what truly matters.

What We Talk About in This Episode

We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, including:

• The silent toll of digital conflict
  Sol shares a personal story from the early days of his divorce—lying in bed, hearing the distinct notification sound from his co-parenting app, and feeling his heart race, hands sweat, and nervous system spike before he’d even opened the message.

• Why you can’t heal while you’re always fighting
  We talk about how constant fight-or-flight—especially around texts, emails, and calls—keeps your body from ever entering “rest and digest,” and what that means for caregivers who live in a chronic state of hypervigilance.

• The power of delay: boundaries with yourself first
  Sol explains why one of the most powerful, free tools we have is an internal boundary: delaying communication. Just because your phone dings doesn’t mean you owe an instant response. We explore what it looks like to wait, regulate, and respond from a calmer place.

• What an “emotional firewall” really is
  Using his own story and the design of BestInterest, Sol describes how an emotional firewall can:

  • Filter out hostile or irrelevant messages

  • Surface genuine emergencies (like a medical event)

  • Let you choose when you see non-urgent communication
    This keeps you informed without being constantly activated.

• Boundaries, codependency, and being “the bad guy”
  We get honest about the fear many of us have: “If I set a boundary, they’ll think I’m a terrible daughter/son/parent/sibling.” Sol shares how learning to tolerate being seen as “the bad guy” was essential to protecting his own mental health, and I share a story about setting boundaries with my mom while caregiving over multiple decades.

• Somatic cues: what your body is trying to tell you
  We slow down to talk about how emotions show up in the body—chest tightness, belly pain, gut issues—and how learning to notice and process those sensations (instead of overriding them) can be a path to healing. We even touch on animals shaking off stress and how that relates to our fight/flight responses.

• Tech as support, not a substitute for healing
  One of my favorite takeaways: BestInterest isn’t there to do your emotional work for you. It’s there to create enough space—through filtering, delays, and boundaries—for you to do the inner work, seek therapy, and listen to your body without being constantly re-triggered.

Who This Episode Is For

This conversation will resonate if you:

• Are caregiving for a parent, partner, or loved one with complex family history

• Are co-parenting with a high-conflict ex and caregiving at the same time

• Feel a jolt of anxiety every time your phone dings

• Struggle with codependency and the fear of being “the bad guy” when you set boundaries

• Want practical ways to protect your nervous system while still showing up for the people you care about

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Practical Steps You Can Take Today

Near the end of the episode, Sol shares simple, concrete actions you can take right now, with or without an app:

• Notice what happens in your body the next time a stressful message comes in.

• Pause. Delay your response by at least an hour if it’s not an emergency.

• Give yourself space to feel your feelings—walk, breathe, cry, journal—before you reply.

• Remember: boundaries are for you. Holding them is your job, not theirs.

These are small shifts, but over time they create enough safety to start healing, even in relationships you can’t fully step away from.

Links & Resources

• Sol’s app: BestInterest

• Sol’s Podcast

• Best Interest on Social Media: TikTok Instagram

• Caregiver and Care Tech resources

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with a caregiver in your life who is struggling with a difficult relationship and an always-buzzing phone.

And as always, you’re allowed to feel good, not guilty.

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One of the founders profiled, Justin Harrison, created an AI chatbot modeled after his mother, using years of text messages and recorded conversations. His company, You, Only Virtual, now offers similar “posthumous personas” (or “Versonas”) to others. His reason for building his own bot is deeply human: he was so close to his mother that imagining life without being able to talk to her felt unbearable.

Why turn this into a company that builds deadbots for other people? I’m paraphrasing, but his core belief seems to be that grief is so awful—so life-altering and, in extreme cases, health-threatening—that trying to eliminate it is a worthy goal.

I get it. I really do.

I know what it’s like to lose a beloved parent. I said goodbye to my stepfather and my mother in the last two years, and it has been unimaginably hard. I also know what it’s like to want to eliminate painful emotions—not just for myself, but for the people I love. As a parent of young adults, I often want to stand between them and anything that might hurt them. I worry, I hover, and then I sometimes retreat when I’m not sure I can handle their big feelings either.

But aren’t these hard, inevitable parts of life exactly what make it life?

If I protect my children from every mistake, every choice I don’t agree with or understand, will they ever develop the critical thinking they need to navigate a world full of choices, opportunities, and futures I can’t even imagine? Of course not. Most of us agree that kids have to fail sometimes. They need to learn that it’s possible to fall down and still get up, to try again or try something new.

I feel the same way about my grief.

In many ways, my grief started long before my mother died. As a child, I grieved that she couldn’t do the things other moms could do. As a college student, I grieved that I had to do more for her than my peers did for their parents. When things in marriage, parenting, or my career got tough, I grieved not being able to lean on my mom the way others seemed to. Later, as she neared the end of her life, I grieved the future we were losing—what we’d never have together, what she would never get to experience.

And yet all of that is nothing compared to the grief I carry now.

I lost my mom almost a year ago. She took her last breath at four in the morning. I was sound asleep at home. My aunts were by her side. The last time I heard her voice was a few days before she died. She was talking so much that it made me laugh. I recorded every word.

I have several recordings and videos of my mother telling stories, countless text messages, and, every day, my Facebook memories surface something she shared with me. I miss her smile, her giggle, her stories (the same ones I used to get so sick of hearing).

For a long time, this is where I would have typed, “I would give anything to talk to her again.”

But now, after reading about deadbots and thinking more deeply about it, I’m not so sure that’s true.

Would I hand over her voice recordings, our digital correspondence, our memories to an AI company to build me a “mom-bot”? Something about that feels…off to me.

I’ve been working hard to accept that nothing will bring my mom back. I try not to torture myself by replaying every decision and wondering if she’d still be here “if only” I had done something differently. I’ve also made a commitment to my grief: to experience it fully. I don’t want to avoid it, rush through it, or “get over” it. In a strange way, I feel like I have earned my grief.

Unlike Harrison in the Atlantic article, I don’t believe grief is the worst thing. I believe it is a gift.

Grief is a gift because it is the other half of love. Love and grief are bound together; they co-exist.

“We get no choice. If we love, we grieve.”
— Thomas Lynch

I can’t tell Harrison, or anyone else, how to grieve. We all find our own ways to survive loss. But I do know this: I don’t think we need to run away from grief, or try to engineer it out of existence. Grief allows us to feel. It helps us remember. It keeps us connected to those we’ve lost and, paradoxically, it can deepen our capacity to love the people who are still here—even knowing that more loss may come.

My hope is that, as a society, we choose to use technology in ways that help us become more human, not less. Tools that support us in connecting to the life and community around us, instead of tempting us to hide inside simulations of what we’ve lost.

We have a choice in this. We can keep humanity at the center of our technology use. We don’t have to become like the machines—unfeeling, optimized, and numb to the hardest parts of being alive.

Even the hard feelings, like grief, are part of what make us human.

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Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Caregiving and Grief

01:48 Suzy’s Caregiving Journey

04:16 The Invisible Weight of Grief

06:23 Finding Joy Among Ruins

14:01 Preserving Dignity and Autonomy

20:39 Navigating Family Dynamics in Caregiving

24:25 Navigating Grief and Change

26:51 The Impact of Caregiving on Family Dynamics

29:33 Understanding Grief as a Lonely Journey

33:09 The Importance of Sharing Memories

36:44 Honoring Loved Ones Through Storytelling

44:07 Finding Hope Amidst Despair

46:47 The Journey of Writing and Healing

In this heartfelt interview, Susie McNamara shares her caregiving journey through her husband’s early-onset Alzheimer’s, exploring themes of grief, dignity, and finding joy among ruins. Jeanette Yates delves into the importance of honoring loved ones’ identities and the power of storytelling in healing.

00:00 Introduction to Caregiving and Grief
01:48 Suzy’s Caregiving Journey
04:16 The Invisible Weight of Grief
06:23 Finding Joy Among Ruins
14:01 Preserving Dignity and Autonomy
20:39 Navigating Family Dynamics in Caregiving
24:25 Navigating Grief and Change
26:51 The Impact of Caregiving on Family Dynamics
29:33 Understanding Grief as a Lonely Journey
33:09 The Importance of Sharing Memories
36:44 Honoring Loved Ones Through Storytelling
44:07 Finding Hope Amidst Despair
46:47 The Journey of Writing and Healing

Suzy’s Website
Jeanette’s Website

Suzy’s Facebook, Instagram

Connect with Jeanette on TikTok or Instagram

But I had a new uncovering of my grief the other. I was watching a new #CaregiverTok friend’s posts. She and her partner provide care for two parents and their child. Multi-generational living, where independence, autonomy, and compassion keep the world spinning. Of course, I know that someone’s social posts are just a snapshot, not the full story, reality. That said, I did feel like a child, looking at a beautiful snowglobe, with a perfect, snow-covered landscape, imagining myself there, living in peace and joy.

As much as I loved what I was seeing in her caregiving journey, it wasn’t long before I thought about my own caregiving experience. I wondered if what I was seeing in my friend’s post would have been possible with my mom…

If I had just tried harder…

What if, when I chose her safety, I should have chosen her happiness?

What if I had brought her home from the nursing home…

Or never put her there in the first place?

What if I had taken her to Key West, or the Grand Canyon, or the Sequoias?

Sure, it seemed impossible at the time, but so did the experience my friend has managed to create for her family.

I know, I know, I know…

Everyone’s situation is unique. We all make the best decisions we can at the time. The choices I made, Mom made with me. We were a team. We loved, still love, each other.

I know this, and yet last night, I asked myself…

Did you get it all wrong?

Did you give up too soon?

What if you had chosen ‘happy’ instead of ‘safe’?

Tears welled up as I thought about how I didn’t, couldn’t (?), do more for my mom. I wondered if she died disappointed…in me, in life…My heart broke into a million pieces.

What if everything I did was all wrong?

Don’t worry. I pulled myself out of it. I went back to what I told myself on my hardest days as a caregiver…

You have done enough. You are doing enough. You are enough.

It rang a little hollow…at first.

But I go back on what I know in my soul, the things I try to follow in my life, and instill in my children.

You are worthy.

Imperfection is not failure.

Make the best choice you can at the time, and let that be enough.

There is always more grace.

You are never alone.

Over the last several days, the tears have come but with them, the joy of knowing the love of my mother and the comfort of getting to share that love, and my memories, with my family.

My son called me from college the other day, asking me to meet him halfway to pick up something he had left at home. As I drove out of town, I passed a field wild phlox growing on the side of the road. They were my mom’s favorite.

We often drove that same road out of town when I was a child. Mom would always point and tell me, “Those are phlox, my favorite!” She would go on to tell me that they were also her daddy’s favorite. We would sometimes stop and pick a few to lay on his grave.

When I saw the flowers tonight, bright pink, grouped along the side of the road, I felt like my mom was saying, “Look, my favorite!”

It also brought me great comfort and seemed like a glimpse of what experiencing grief may be like for me these days. In the midst of loving my family well and moving forward, further away from my caregiving days, I will catch a field of flowers, hear my mom’s voice, and remember her love for her family.

In some small way, we are still together. Just as phlox always grows in groups, we are never alone.

This is about tech, but more than that, Jermaine shares his heartfelt story about how having conversations with his mother and grandmother inspired him to do the hard work of creating HeirLight.

• Learn more about HeirLight

• Use this link to get 50% off HeirLight (just for podcast listeners!)

• Watch the video of Jermaine & his mom here.

• Learn more about technology in caregiving from a caregiver's perspective on my website.

Discover how Care2U is changing the landscape of home healthcare. Learn about high acuity care, its benefits, and why it matters for caregivers.

In the world of caregiving, navigating the healthcare system can be daunting. Many caregivers find themselves overwhelmed, often resorting to emergency rooms for situations that could be managed at home. In this blog post, we’ll explore a groundbreaking approach to home healthcare as shared by Lon Hecht, CEO of Care2U, who combines his professional expertise with personal caregiving experience. We’ll delve into what high acuity home care means, its advantages, and how it can transform the way we handle health crises.

What is High Acuity Home Care?

High acuity care refers to advanced medical attention typically reserved for hospital settings—now brought directly into patients’ homes. Care2U exemplifies this model by delivering emergency-level care within hours of a phone call. This service can include everything from managing chronic illnesses to performing urgent medical procedures, allowing patients to receive the necessary care without the stress of a hospital visit.

The Shift Towards Home Care

The trend toward home healthcare has gained momentum, especially post-COVID. Many patients prefer receiving treatment in their own space, avoiding the risk of hospital-acquired infections and the stress of navigating busy ERs. Care2U aims to meet this demand by providing timely, high-quality care that is both convenient and cost-effective.

Benefits of Care2U

1. Convenience: Patients can receive care in the comfort of their own home, reducing the need for travel.

2. Cost-effective: High acuity home care is often less expensive than traditional ER visits, saving patients and insurance providers significant costs.

3. Comprehensive Services: Care2U offers a wide range of services, including telehealth consultations, lab tests, and even imaging, ensuring that patients receive thorough care without stepping outside.

4. Personalized Attention: With a focus on individual care, patients benefit from tailored treatment plans that address their unique needs.

Navigating the Healthcare System as a Caregiver

For caregivers, understanding the options available for high acuity care can empower them to ask the right questions and seek out alternatives to traditional hospital care. Lon emphasizes the importance of inquiring about available services in one’s community, such as urgent care at home, which can bridge the gap in emergency situations.

The insights shared by Lon Hecht highlight the evolving nature of healthcare and the potential for home care services to improve patient outcomes. As caregivers, understanding these options can not only ease the burden of care but also lead to better health management for our loved ones. For more insights on caregiving strategies and high acuity care, stay tuned to our blog.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is high acuity care?

High acuity care refers to advanced medical care typically provided in hospitals, which can now be delivered in the home setting.

How can I access high acuity care at home?

Inquire about services like Care2U in your community, which offers high acuity home care.

What are the benefits of home healthcare?

Home healthcare offers convenience, cost savings, and personalized attention for patients, improving overall care.

Resources
Care2U Official Website

Learn more about using technology to care for your aging parent.

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And in the middle of the overflowing inbox and the inundation of positive stories about age tech as well as the increasingly alarming incidents of harm where similar technologies have played a role, caregivers are struggling to merely get through the day. In the #caregivertok community, they are crying out, literally, sitting in their cars or on the floor of hospital rooms, not really sure what to do and where to go for help.

Maybe that is you. Maybe you are stressed out, burned out, no burned to the ground, and want solutions, but your feed and inbox are flooded with confusing messages about the use of technology, specifically AI…

How are you supposed to know if the technology that you want to use to help you take better care of your loved one is the good kind that saves lives or the bad one that ruins them? How do you know if the tool will actually do what it says? How do you know if you’ll be able to figure out how to use it…or if your loved one will?

…and honestly, you’re too tired to figure it all out. It’s easier to scroll past and look for funny videos. (My favorite are Golden Girls clips!)

Technology is neither good, nor bad. And that’s kind of the point. Navigating the rising tide of care tech is complicated, and you don’t have to do it alone. As someone who spent five years working in tech, ten years working in social media, 5 years in education, and forty years as a caregiver, I am here to help you make confident and safe choices in modern caregiving.

Understanding how to evaluate tech tools, what they can do, and what they can’t, is key to choosing ones that will actually help you do the good work of caregiving. Because that is one thing that no tech can do…replace your care, your love, your compassion.

To read my latest care tech articles, including my latest on safety vs. privacy in caregiver technology, head to my website.

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In this episode of the From Guilt to Good podcast, host Jeanette Yates welcomes Brooke Holmes, CEO of American Senior Home Finders. They discuss the challenges caregivers face, the importance of personalized care, and the need for workplace support for caregivers. Brooke shares her unique journey into senior care and how her company helps families navigate complex decisions around aging. The conversation emphasizes the importance of understanding caregiver guilt, raising awareness, and the need for workplace flexibility to support caregivers effectively.

Takeaways

Caregivers often feel guilt and fear when making decisions.

Personalized care is essential for the well-being of aging loved ones.

Workplace support for caregivers is crucial as many are balancing jobs and caregiving responsibilities.

Understanding when to seek help is a common concern for caregivers.

Advocacy for caregiver awareness is necessary in the workplace.

Caregivers need to communicate their needs to employers for better support.

The importance of maintaining routines for aging loved ones cannot be overstated.

Education about caregiving should be provided in workplaces.

Caregivers should not feel ashamed of their role; it’s a part of life.

Building connections with other caregivers can alleviate feelings of isolation.

Connect with American Senior Home Care Finders

Connect with Brooke on TikTok

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I was embarrassed, gut-wrenched, and the profound sadness wrapped around me…the dark cloud that had been lifting a bit lately. But here it was again.

Why? Because my mom was right. But it was more than that.

Where do I begin?

Let’s try a couple of weeks ago. I was to be a part of an author event at a local indie bookstore. When I got the flyer, I quickly scanned the names, not really expecting to find anyone I knew. But one name jumped out. Tim Gilmore.

Tim Gilmore….hmmm, that name sounds familiar, but why? I racked my brain and, of course, looked him up on Google.

That’s when I saw it. The book cover, a simple, black and white photo of young people sitting in an old auditorium, you know, the ones with the wooden seats. Some with heads bowed, some with eyes closed, some covering their faces as if they were ashamed or offended. The title of the book is “Devil in the Baptist Church: Bob Gray's Unholy Trinity.”

I recognized it immediately. It was one of the books on my mom’s small bookshelf next to her chair in her living room. And then I rememberd….ahhh, yes, Tim Gilmore.

How many times had she told me about that book, and his others? “You should read it,” she would say. And then, when “Murder Capital” came out, another book on her shelf by the way, she again encouraged me to read it. “You’ll love it! It is Jacksonville history and social justice.” But did I listen?

No. I was reading my own things. Trying to get through each long day of caregiving, and parenting, and trying to tend to myself, my home, my job, my husband. So, when she would send me a Facebook message about a talk he was giving locally or an appearance he was making on TV, I thanked her, but did nothing about it. I had no time or energy. She knew she couldn’t go, but she would want me to. And I didn’t.

So, when I saw his name next to mine on the flyer, I felt a sense of excitement and pride. For what? I do not know, but I was famous-adjacent because I was positioned next to THE Tim Gilmore, my mom’s oft-mentioned favorite author. I knew she would have gotten a kick out of that.

But then, the day of the event, he wasn’t there, at first. His books sat on the table, looking at me, those familiar friends…. the young people in those auditorium seats, the Independent Life building looming in the background on the cover of “Murder Capital.” But Tim? Not there…until right about the time I was ready to leave.

Indie bookstore events are great, but it had been a long day, and I hadn’t made many sales, so I was ready to leave, and then he walked in. I waited around and then introduced myself.

“Hi, I’m Jeanette. My book is about caregiving for my mom. She was one of your biggest fans!” He was cordial, generally interested in my mom and me. I left feeling happy and thinking of mom. Later, we connected on social media.

Which is how I ended up crying in my car last night.

Instead of Mom sending me a Facebook event, I got a notification that Tim had shared a new post. What was it about? A talk he was giving at our public library. Right down the road from me.

I thought, “If mom were alive, she would have sent this to me. She would have wanted to go, or she would have wanted me to go. I should go.”

So I went. I went in honor and memory of her. But something more happened.

I sat there listening to him tell a beautiful story about an amazing woman, an artist from our area. I’d never heard of her, but was immediately drawn to her life, her art. “My mom would have loved this,” I mused.

I was also drawn in by Tim's excitement about the artist Memphis Wood. He is writing a book about her. And the excitement and joy others expressed about her and her art. They were all in on a secret, but they were trying to share it with me. I was feelin’ it!

I also began to feel a lot of regret. Regret that I was never able to get my mom to one of these events. Regret that I have only just now begun to read Tim Gilmore’s work. What if I had read and connected with him before? Could I have taken one of his classes at our local college? Would he have inspired me to be more diligent in my own writing? To continue to pursue teaching literature, writing, or communication? Would things have been different for me, for my mother?

I thought about the telling of stories. How my mom was the keeper of our family stories, and the stories of her small Florida town, McAlpin. Her main concern with dying was taking the stories with her. “Someone needs to know,” she said. So I wrote, recorded, listened to them time and time again. I have the stories, and I am keeping them for now. I thought about how those stories are part of her story, and part of mine. And I regret not letting her tell more.

And so, when I left the talk, I briefly spoke to Tim, but was barely able to get any words out. I fumbled my way through thanking him and rushed out the door. Into the somewhat-cool-for-Florida evening, got in my car and wept.

I wept for all the things left unsaid, the stories left untold, unshared. I cried knowing that my mom missed hearing Tim speak in person…that could have been part of her story. But I also was overwhelmed with gratitude. Stories matter. I thought about a talk that someone might give about my mom one day. Maybe it is me that is sharing it, maybe not. I thought about how the room might be filled with people who knew her, but then there might be someone, like me, who showed up not knowing what to expect and learned something profound… about her, about themselves, about life.

That is the power of stories. Thanks, Mr. Gilmore, for reminding me of that.

References:

Tim Gilmore

Memphis Wood

In this episode of the From Guilt to Good podcast, Jeanette Yates and Jazmyn Rivers discuss the multifaceted journey of caregiving, focusing on family dynamics, community support, and the role of technology. They explore the importance of intentional sharing on social media, the need for self-care among caregivers, and the innovations in care tech that can enhance the caregiving experience. The conversation emphasizes the significance of communication within families and the value of sharing caregiver stories to foster a supportive community.

Takeaways

• Caregiving is often a complex family dynamic that requires open communication.

• Regular family check-ins can help keep everyone informed and involved.

• Social media can be a powerful tool for sharing caregiving experiences.

• Intentional sharing on social media is crucial for maintaining dignity.

• Self-care is essential for caregivers to support their loved ones effectively.

• Learning from other caregivers can provide valuable insights and support.

• Technology can play a significant role in organizing caregiving tasks.

• Innovations in care tech are needed to improve the caregiving experience.

• Balancing privacy and accessibility in care tech is vital.

• Building a community around caregiving can help alleviate feelings of isolation.

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It looks like transparency. Can you easily find out who owns the company and what their values are?

It looks like simplicity. Did someone actually think about whether this feature is necessary, or did they just add it because they could?

It looks like respect for your emotional reality. Does this tool acknowledge that caregiving is hard, or does it pretend to be sunshine and roses?

Here are some questions you should ask before adopting any care tech tool:

On Privacy & Security:

1. Where does my data go? Is it stored on secure servers?

2. Who can see this information? Can I control who has access?

3. What happens to the data if I stop using the tool?

4. Can I export my information if I decide to switch?

On Design & Usability:

1. Is this tool simple enough that I don’t need a manual?

2. Did the company actually test this with real caregivers, or does it feel generic?

3. Will using this save me time, or will it create more work?

On Values:

1. Does this company seem to understand caregiver challenges?

2. Are they transparent about what they’re doing and why?

3. Do they seem to care about the human side of caregiving, or just the technical side?

These questions matter because you’re inviting a tool into one of the most vulnerable parts of your life. You’re sharing health information, schedules, maybe your location.

That deserves respect. And the right tool will give it to you.

The emotional reality is this: you’re already stressed.

You’re already making a hundred decisions a day. The last thing you need is a tool that adds anxiety instead of reducing it. So when you’re looking at care tech, trust your gut. If something feels off, if the company seems sketchy, if the design feels impersonal, if using it feels like a chore, move on. There’s always another option.

Remember: the best care tech tool is the one you will actually use. Everything else is just noise.

To read my comprehensive, yet simple, jargon-free guide to understanding the technology caregivers actually use, without overwhelm or fear, head to my Care Tech 101 blog.

Helpful Links:

NYT article

OpenAI statement on ads

Not Understanding AI? A Guide For Caregivers

I had a normal morning…walking the dog, coffee, church, and even my Sunday nap…and then it hit.

The weather was cloudy, the house quiet, all my family members busy with their own work and lives. The silence loomed in the shadows, the heaviness started to pull me in. I decided to get out of the house, to “run errands” aka, get a coffee and figure out what else to do. Maybe go to the grocery store? That would be productive. I started driving, making a mental list of things we needed…protein, bread, milk…

But I couldn’t.

Instead, I drove to the cemetery and sat by Mom in the urn garden. I thought about how much I missed her…how deeply I felt her absence. It has been 8 months, and sometimes I feel like I cannot even remember her. Other times, I can feel her soft skin, paper-thin from all the medicines, yet smooth and unblemished. Her cheeks were my favorite to touch, so full and delicate, like the petal of a flower.

And there was so much more. I had 40 years to learn everything there was to know about her, listen to her stories that spanned generations of our family, and learn from the wisdom she fought for and earned. While I mostly feel that we had the time we needed and said the things we needed to say, there was so much more to be said.

And I realized that my loneliness was not lack of friendships or connection with others. It was a loneliness of thought. I cannot put into words the loneliness, the complex emotions, or why they fluctuate so widely. I cannot and will not be able to share that part of my grief. I can only share that I am experiencing it.

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As I thought about the loneliness and the weight of inadequate words, I also thought about how, in my life, my loneliness has been lessened by connecting with others in my stage of life through online platforms. When I was dealing with body image and eating disorder issues, it was my online community that understood what my real-life community could not. Both were supportive, but the online space gave me something that others could not. When I began working in marketing, it was through online communities that I built connections, learned from others, received encouragement, and was challenged. And in the last 7 years, social media caregivers have been my life-saver when I felt I was drowning.

My mom would attest to the value of online connections as well. If it weren’t for Facebook and Words with Friends, she probably wouldn’t have made it as long as she did. She reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and had a window to the outside world that kept her grounded and brought her much joy. She shared her health journey and inspired so many. She even learned of relatives that she had not known existed.

When we were both at our loneliest and most isolated, our online connections made a huge difference in helping us stay positive, informed, and feeling part of something bigger than ourselves. And this is why, when I hear of AI companions for the elderly, I don’t immediately cringe. I know technology can be a tremendous help to the lives of the ones we love and, in turn, us as their caregivers. However, because we are in the wild west of AI, where innovation is advancing more rapidly than many of us can understand, I think it’s important to do our best to learn and develop our own standards for best practices.

There has been research done on AI companion tools, and I recently wrote a guide breaking it down in non-techy terms for all of us caregivers in the trenches with no time to dissect every single thing. If you are considering an AI Companion for your loved one or just want to know what one is, I recommend reading my post here.

In the meantime, just know, behind this screen, these words, I am a real person, and I see you as a real person too. You matter to me. Feel free to reach out if you need to feel less alone.

In this episode of From Guilt to Good, Jeanette Yates speaks with Eli Singer about the dual nature of technology in caregiving. They explore how digital tools can both support and hinder caregivers, emphasizing the importance of balance and self-awareness in technology use. Eli shares insights from his book and platform, Offline.Now, which aims to help individuals create healthier relationships with their devices. The conversation also touches on community building, the impact of AI, and the nuances of digital engagement, including the concepts of zombie scrolling and doom scrolling.

To learn more about Offline.Now, take their 2-minute “Phone Stress” quiz, head to the website here.

Want Jeanette to speak at your next group meeting about technology and caregiving? Invite her to speak! Learn more here.

That’s the promise behind the Ring Search Party feature, and while it sounds great, as caregivers, we need to consider the implications.

How comfortable are you with AI analyzing your footage? Let’s chat about it! 🤔👇

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#AI #Ring #TechTalk #CaregiverCommunity #PrivacyConcerns #LostPets #Caregiving #HomeSafety #SuperBowl #EmotionalImpact

Sounds great, right? It is, but there were some issues as well. Firstly, long after she had informed us she was fine (It was an accidental call), we were still receiving notifications. She also realized that people were receiving these location notifications, even though she did not remember adding them as emergency contacts.

We worked to figure out what happened and how to keep the emergency features she wanted while also stopping the ones she did not.

Emergency features on iPhones and Apple Watches are designed to help in a crisis — but like many digital safety tools, they can behave in ways caregivers don’t expect.

If you’re supporting an aging parent or loved one, it’s worth understanding how Emergency Contacts work, what controls are in place, and the privacy considerations involved.

What Emergency Contacts Actually Do

On an iPhone or Apple Watch, Emergency Contacts are tied to Apple’s Emergency SOS and Medical ID features.

When Emergency SOS is activated:

• Emergency services may be contacted

• Designated Emergency Contacts can receive a notification

• Location sharing may continue automatically for a period of time, even after the immediate emergency has passed

This is often helpful — but it can also be surprising.

As caregivers, we sometimes discover:

• Multiple people are receiving location updates

• Location sharing is continuing longer than expected

• Contacts listed that the person doesn’t recall adding

These situations don’t mean anyone did something wrong. They usually reflect how Apple’s safety systems prioritize speed and reach over nuance.

Where Emergency Contacts Are Set (and Why This Matters)

Emergency Contacts are managed through the Health app, not just Contacts.

This means:

• Changes may sync across devices via iCloud

• Contacts added long ago may still be active

• Updates made during medical visits or device setup can persist unnoticed

This can result in contacts appearing that don’t match current wishes, especially for older adults or those with cognitive changes.

Key Privacy & Safety Considerations for Caregivers

Here are the most common issues caregivers encounter:

1. Ongoing Location Sharing
After Emergency SOS is triggered, location updates may continue until manually stopped. This can feel intrusive once the person is safe.

2. More Visibility Than Expected
Emergency Contacts may receive real-time location information without a clear “off” signal unless it’s intentionally disabled.

3. Legacy or Unrecognized Contacts
Contacts added years ago — or during device setup, medical appointments, or family troubleshooting — may remain listed.

4. Consent Can Change
A loved one may have agreed to settings in the past that no longer reflect their current preferences or capacity.

How to Set This Up as Safely as Possible

Here are caregiver-friendly steps to reduce surprises:

✔ Review Emergency Contacts Regularly
Open the Health app → Medical ID → Edit and review the Emergency Contact list together if possible.

✔ Keep the List Small and Intentional
More contacts don’t always mean more safety. Choose people who understand the role and expectations. Be sure to ask them if they wish to be an emergency contant on your phone and what that means specifically.

✔ Talk About Location Sharing
Explain that Emergency SOS may share location automatically and for longer than expected. (How to STOP location sharing (without deleting the contact): Open Messages > Find the conversation labeled “Emergency SOS” > Tap the contact name at the top > Tap Stop Sharing My Location 🔔This immediately stops updates — even if SOS ended earlier.)

✔ Practice Turning It Off
After an incident, check:

• Messages from Apple

• Location sharing settings

• Emergency SOS status

✔ Revisit After Life Changes
Hospitalizations, diagnoses, or cognitive decline are good times to revisit these settings.

A Caregiver Perspective

Emergency features are built for emergencies — not for the emotional complexity of caregiving.

They don’t understand family dynamics, changes in consent, or what feels “too exposed” once the danger has passed. That responsibility stays with us.

Taking time to review these settings isn’t about being controlling or fearful.
It’s about protecting dignity, autonomy, and trust — especially when technology moves faster than people do.

Gentle Reminder

This post is educational, not technical or legal advice. If you’re unsure how a device is behaving, Apple Support can help clarify specific settings — and you’re allowed to ask for help.

Caregiving is hard enough.
Your technology shouldn’t add confusion or stress.

Emergency Contact SOS Checklist for Smartphones

(click to download)

A Caregiver Safety & Privacy Checklist (Apple + Android)

Emergency features on smartphones can save lives — but they can also share more information, for longer, and with more people than caregivers expect.

This checklist is designed to help caregivers review emergency settings intentionally, across both Apple and Android devices.

You don’t need to do everything at once. Even one review is a meaningful step.

✅ Step 1: Find Where Emergency Contacts Live

Emergency contacts are not always stored in the Contacts app.

• Apple (iPhone / Apple Watch):
  Health app → Medical ID → Emergency Contacts

• Android:
  Settings → Safety & Emergency (or Emergency Information)

👉 Caregiver note: These settings may sync across devices and accounts.

✅ Step 2: Review Who Is Listed — Carefully

Ask:

• Do you recognize every person listed?

• Would your loved one still want this person notified today?

• Do these contacts understand their role?

Remove anyone who:

• was added long ago

• was added during device setup or a medical visit

• no longer feels appropriate

More contacts ≠ more safety.

✅ Step 3: Understand Location Sharing

Emergency SOS may:

• automatically share real-time location

• continue sharing for hours after the incident

• notify contacts without a clear “stop” alert

Check:

• Who receives location updates

• How to manually stop sharing after the emergency

👉 Important: This is one of the most common surprises caregivers encounter.

✅ Step 4: Review Medical Information Visibility

Both Apple and Android allow certain information to be visible on the lock screen.

Confirm:

• What medical details are displayed

• Whether this still feels appropriate

• That information is accurate and current

Remove anything outdated or overly specific.

✅ Step 5: Talk About Consent — Even Briefly

If your loved one can participate:

• Explain what Emergency SOS does

• Clarify who will be notified

• Discuss comfort levels with location sharing

If consent is limited or changing:

• Default to less exposure, not more

• Prioritize dignity and safety over convenience

✅ Step 6: Practice After an Emergency

After any incident:

• Check if location sharing is still active

• Review who received notifications

• Adjust settings immediately if needed

Don’t assume the system resets on its own.

✅ Step 7: Revisit Regularly

Good times to review emergency settings:

• After hospitalizations

• After new diagnoses

• After cognitive changes

• When phones or watches are upgraded

• When family roles shift

Emergency settings are not “set once and done.”

A Caregiver Reminder

Emergency features are designed for speed — not nuance.

They don’t understand family boundaries, consent changes, or what feels invasive once someone is safe. Caregivers carry that responsibility.

Reviewing these settings isn’t about control or fear.
It’s about protecting trust, dignity, and autonomy in a digital world.

Gentle Disclaimer

This checklist is for educational purposes only and does not replace technical support or emergency services. Device behavior may vary by model, software version, and region.

In today’s fast-paced world, caregivers often find themselves overwhelmed, balancing the demands of their loved ones with their own self-care. In a recent episode of the From Guilt to Good podcast, host Jeanette Yates sits down with Billy Miranda, a licensed therapist and caregiver, to explore the emotional realities of caregiving and the role of technology in providing support. This conversation aims to shed light on the complexities of caregiver stress and the emerging solutions that can help alleviate it.

Understanding Caregiver Stress

Caregiving can be a rewarding yet challenging experience. Billy Miranda, who has cared for his mother with Alzheimer’s disease, emphasizes that stress often arises when caregivers feel they lack the resources to manage their responsibilities. He reflects on his own journey, noting the importance of self-reflection and self-care amidst the demands of caregiving.

The Role of Technology

As technology permeates our lives, it has also found its way into the caregiving space. Jeanette and Billy discuss the surge of caregiver-focused tech, including AI chatbots that can provide information and support during late-night crises. Billy shares his experience with AI tools, noting that they can provide immediate answers when traditional support systems are unavailable. However, he also expresses concern about privacy issues inherent in the healthcare sector, especially regarding the use of AI in sensitive contexts.

AI as a Support Tool

The conversation shifts to the potential benefits and drawbacks of using AI as a therapeutic aid. Billy points out that while AI can simulate therapeutic conversations, it lacks the personalized touch and confidentiality that licensed therapists provide. He emphasizes the importance of understanding the limitations of AI tools, particularly regarding HIPAA compliance and the need for secure, confidential communication in therapy.

The Ethical Considerations

Both Jeanette and Billy agree that the rapid evolution of AI technology presents unique challenges. As caregivers turn to AI for support, it is essential to consider ethical implications, including privacy concerns and the reliability of the information provided. The discussion highlights the need for ongoing dialogue about integrating technology into caregiving, ensuring it enhances rather than complicates the caregiver experience.

Caregiving is undoubtedly a complex journey, filled with emotional ups and downs. As technology continues to evolve, it offers new tools for caregivers to navigate their roles more effectively. However, it is crucial to approach these tools with an understanding of their limitations and the ethical considerations they entail. Key takeaways from this discussion include the importance of self-care, the potential benefits of AI in caregiving, and the ongoing need for secure, confidential support systems.

Here’s how the conversation went.

“Mom, I am thinking about getting a tattoo.”

“Oh, ok, where?”

“Lower belly, near my hip bone.”

“Cute! What are you planning on getting?”

“Probably a butterfly.”

“Ahhh, I see. Well, you’re an adult, so you can do whatever you want. But I do want you to think about something. I assume one day you plan to have kids?”

“Uh, yeah, sure. Why?”

“Well, just remember that pregnancy stretches out that skin and, unfortunately, it doesn’t always go back to the way it looked before. Sooo, your cute butterfly may end up looking like a prehistoric moth. Are you ok with that?”

Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

I think about that moment with my mother often. How she guided me through my young adulthood the best she could. Sure, she wasn’t perfect, nor was I, but she shared her perspective and then respected my decisions. Whether it was begging to go to Europe and then deciding I couldn’t go on due to work responsibilities, she was all in, at least as much as she could be.

“As much as she could.”

I am learning the significance of this phrase as I reflect on my mom’s life, the legacy she left for me, and how I want to live my own life and what legacy I leave for others.

My mom didn’t and couldn’t be and do and say all the things I needed all the time…but she did as much as she could. She showed me what it was like to love through grief, hardship, and disappointments. And she loved me even when I was the cause of those things.

I have always known that, but only with the perspective I have now can I fully feel it. Only as I seek to guide my own children through young adulthood do I understand how hard it must have been…to love and let go.

Love and let go…

when it comes to parenting my young adult sons.

when it comes to remembering and honoring my mom.

I want to remember the best parts of her, love all of her, and let go of the rest.

I am learning, every day, how to do this. What works for me in this moment.

Over the years since I had the tattoo conversation with my mom, I’ve thought about getting a tattoo, off and on. But it wasn’t the right time, I was too afraid of what others might think, or I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to permanently affix on my body (or where exactly!)

So, as I have been thinking about mom and how to remember her, I wondered if now was the right time to finally get a tattoo. I kept coming back to her favorite flowers and why she loved them so.

She grew up in the country, and has many fond memories of the family and community that loved her so…even in their imperfections, in the hardships of life, and the complexities of the human existence. Every time we would drive “to the farm” she would point at the pink wildflowers on the side of the road…the phlox. She loved the phlox. The blooms are a cluster, together, always. United, in close relationship. That was my mom…bound to her family and friends, yet, in some ways, a wildflower growing where she was planted.

And sunflowers… in later years, she loved bouquets of sunflowers and would get so excited when she would see them growing in the wild. They were so “happy” she said. There is so much symbolism in a sunflower. A flower that always reaches toward the sun, looking toward the light. If you knew my mom, you know that she was so positive, she always looked for the light, the love, and a reason to shine her smile…resiliance.

When I asked Gemini about what a sunflower/phlox tattoo could mean, it had this to say, “For a woman, this tattoo can serve as a powerful personal commitment to her relationships, her optimistic spirit, and her journey of resilience and growth while remaining grounded in connection with others.”

Wow. Of all the things I want to remember about my mom, those are the things! Furthermore, when I think about the life I want to live, the legacy I want to leave, it is one of resilienceand growth, connection and commitment to others.

I don’t know for sure, but I think if I was having a conversation with my mom about getting a tattoo today, she would approve of this one.

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