The problem isn’t having nothing to write about, it’s having too much and wanting to write about it immediately. Apparently my brain doesn’t always know what constitutes as an emergency.

So i developed a challenge for myself to finish the pieces that id already started for a month and any new ideas were noted down just a basic concept enough for me to remember what I was thinking but nothing more detailed and then it was locked away.

And you know what it actually worked. I finished things. And published them. I didn’t stop having ideas, i didn’t stifle my creativity.

New ideas are exciting and feel productive but actually finishing something and being able to share it gave a different kind of satisfaction.

But i also didn’t completely love it.

Writing for me isn’t about producing something for someone else. It’s curiosity and exploring an idea. Writing helps me process thoughts and feelings and whatever is on my mind. Forcing myself to ignore that impulse so rigidly started to feel restricting.

And honestly I actually failed a couple of times. If you go back even to this weekend just gone i had something to share that i needed to write, finish and publish. That idea was not prepared to sit in the vault and wait its turn. And we’re all on our own timeline so who was i to judge? That wasn’t the first time, you had a couple of extra articles this month (not just on a Wednesday) but I gave myself grace and permission to let myself be flexible.

I’m not sure why those particular ideas were temporarily safe crackers and able to break out of the vault but it is what it is. I didn’t allow it to derail the rest of the process.

And as a whole I think it has been incredibly beneficial for me because now i have a whole bank of ideas that I can go through and decide what I want to explore next, what is still a good idea but not ‘urgent’ and what needs to be hit with a shovel and buried to never see the light of day.

By having a ‘cooling off’ period I can see from a different perspective what ideas are actually worth my time and energy. It helps me to see if i am (hopefully) actually producing something of value.

Having a brain that runs a million miles an hour and constantly generates thoughts and ideas is great and exciting if slightly overwhelming but I need a system to help me actually do something with all of these ideas and concepts and I think I’ve finally cracked it (vault pun intended).

I didn’t need to be less curious or creative i just needed a method to help me stay focused and prioritise.

Moving forward the ideas vault stays but with a few revisions.

Each idea will be assessed and put into 1 of 3 categories.

The Vault- interesting idea but it can wait.

Exploration- the idea gets 10 minutes to make note of the core of it before returning to my current work.

Follow it- occasionally an idea has enough urgency that i’m allowed to change course and I can fully commit to this piece without it needing to see the inside of the vault first.

This is another example of my contradictions being a superpower.

I can be both disciplined and spontaneous, focused and curious, someone who finishes things and someone who occasionally follows a completely unexpected idea.

Does anyone do something like this? Does anyone think it would work for you? Is this pretty standard practice and have i, yet again, learned something the hard way? 🧡

Let’s get straight into it, Seph is not my legal name, it’s a nickname. Short for Persephone, as in Greek mythology (i’ll go into the inspiration for this further down)

When I first decided on using a ‘nickname’ or ‘pseudonym’ a bit over a year ago it was because I had decided I was done being insecure. I had a lot of dreams to pursue but couldn’t imagine the current me achieving that. I felt like I had to become someone else, someone worthy to even attempt to achieve my goals.

Throughout history, some of the most successful athletes, artists and leaders have relied on an alter ego to help them perform at their peak. An alter ego isn’t about pretending to be someone you’re not. Instead, it’s about tapping into a version of yourself that has the courage, confidence, and power you might not always feel in your everyday life.

Beyoncé has Sasha Fierce

Marshall Mathers has Eminem and Slim Shady

Stefani Germanotta has Lady Gaga

Just to name a few.

I decided I needed an alter ego, to step into the ’best’ version of me who could get things done, who deserved to achieve big things.

I have always loved Greek mythology (i find most cultures fascinating to be honest) and was always drawn to Persephone balancing and embracing both sides of herself. In Greek mythology Persephone is the daughter of Demeter, the goddess of harvest and fertility. Persephone was known as the flower maiden and in modern or contemporary interpretations she is innocent, radiant, and full of life. Yet, after being taken into the underworld by Hades she also becomes the Queen of the Underworld, ruling over death and embodying mystery, power and transformation. Not one or the other, she is both.

I always thought my contradictions were weaknesses but looking into Persephone i saw her duality like the seasons or night and day, the differences all have purpose. So in my case i reasoned my light encourages connection, playfulness and creativity, while my shadows brings wisdom, focus and resilience.

Then while i was thinking about the woman I wanted to become i did a random quiz online to see which powerful woman matched my personality (yes i was that girl, but im glad i did!), it was just a few questions and a bit of fun but my result was Persephone. I took a screenshot and felt something settle deep in my chest. This wasn’t like a lightbulb moment but more a soft ‘wow this makes sense’ kind of feeling.

We don’t choose our birth name, they are often given because parents liked the sound, or it runs in the family. Nicknames usually emerge through relationships, experiences or personality. Nicknames are more reflective of the individual.

They often reveal something more personal than an official name. And while Persephone was the name that inspired me ‘Seph’ feels more casual, more like me.

A new name has often marked an internal shift before the outside world noticed one.

Names carry stories. Some names honour family. Some honour culture. Some honour history. Some honour fictional characters. Some honour people who inspired us.

Mine honours an idea.

Not a person.

An idea of transformation, of embracing your full self.

A nickname can become permission.

Sometimes saying a different name lets us step into qualities we already possess but haven’t fully owned.

Not because the name changes us.

Because it reminds us.

Seph reminds me to be brave.

The reminder is the power.

Once i settled on the name I tried to create this ‘perfect version’ of who i wanted to be and for months I tried to act like her. My morning routine changed, i set tasks I tried to force myself to do each day. It didn’t feel like me so it was unsustainable. The only thing that stuck was the name. Along this journey something switched. I can’t pinpoint the moment but I stopped looking externally and focused on my inner being and this is where the magic happened.

And yes the irony isn’t lost on me, my big idea of let’s create a version of me that’s free but then promptly hand her an unsustainable to- do list and job description. Duh.

We often become the stories we tell ourselves.

Every time i hear or see ‘Seph’ i see my transformation, courage, depth, curiosity.

The name became an anchor to my favourite self.

We spend so much time asking Who am I? But maybe a better question is, Who could i become if i stopped believing i had to become someone else first?

I didn’t choose the name because I wanted to become Persephone. Inspiration isn’t imitation and a name doesn’t make the person.

So yes, Seph is short for Persephone, but it was never meant to be Persephone. I don’t want to borrow someone else’s identity. I wanted to create my own.

I admire Persephone’s depth, her transformation, her resilience, and the way she exists comfortably in contradiction and they’re not qualities that belong exclusively to her. They’re qualities I recognised in myself and have been trying to nurture.

Maybe that’s why Persephone stayed with me. Not because she was a goddess, But because she gave me permission to stop trying to fit into one season of my life.

We are allowed to bloom.

We are allowed to grow.

We are allowed to begin again.

And somewhere between who we’ve been and who we’re becoming, we get to choose our own name.

Very few people in my life have been trusted with my name Seph and while I’m being totally honest I like the fact i can write under this name and be completely myself without worrying that people i know in real life will stumble across my writing and know its me. There’s something freeing in the anonymity of using a nickname or pseudonym.

And yes another irony I haven’t missed, that hiding one small part of my identity has allowed me to reveal far more of myself than i otherwise could incase people i know in real life see this.

But I’ve realised that privacy and authenticity aren’t opposites.

Sometimes a little distance from the people who already have an established idea of who we are gives us room to discover who else we might be, gives us freedom to actually be ourselves.

At the beginning, Seph was an attempt to become somebody else. I believed my current self wasn’t capable enough, brave enough, disciplined enough, whatever it was. So i tried to create someone who was.

But i eventually realised i’d got it backwards.

I didn’t need to become worthy of my dreams.

And Seph didn’t contain qualities i lacked.

The bravery, curiosity, contradiction, ambition, resilience etc. were already there, already mine. The pseudonym simply created enough distance for me to start expressing them.

So rather than becoming Persephone, I became Seph.

This is just another stepping stone i used in becoming myself, leaving behind the expectations and limitations placed on me from birth by family, society etc.

A name is one more thing I never had a say in and just accepted it for the longest time.

Seph is no longer an attempt to become someone else, it’s a reminder to become more myself. And while Seph isn’t my legal name, it’s the name that allows me to be the truest version of myself and I am so happy and grateful for that. I very much like the me i am right now and while some of my previous doubts still hover i feel much more at home in my own skin, head and heart 🧡

But anyway im here to talk about NPCs or non-playable characters. For those unfamiliar, these are like the background characters (think extras in a movie or backing dancers)

They may have a line or 2 but you can’t play as them, they’re essentially background, decorative, as functional as the tree they’re standing in front of.

NPCs don’t make decisions. They stand where they’re programmed to stand. They repeat the same dialogue. They exist to help someone else’s story move forward.

I had an uncomfortable thought, how many of us are accidentally living like NPCs in real life?

Somewhere along the way we stopped dreaming big or making choices for ourselves.

As Kids- today im going to build a rocket and go to the moon!

I want to wear my pink tutu with my ladybird wellies and a policeman hat.

When I grow up im going to be a… well you get it.

As Adults- today i guess i should go grocery shopping, clean the house, pick up prescriptions.

Wear a coat because rain is forecast.

When I grow up i should…

Curiosity was replaced by expectation and practicality. Now im not saying we can and should all shirk our responsibilities but i think we should take time to incorporate some joyful decisions into our days.

Yes it’s going to rain but maybe i take a fun, colourful patterned umbrella and wellies instead of a coat. Dance in the rain in the carpark and splash through puddles instead of running straight inside.

Without noticing we’ve all developed NPC characteristics;

Waiting until you’re confident.

Waiting until you have time.

Waiting until you’ve lost weight.

Waiting until people approve.

Waiting until someone picks you.

Waiting until someone gives permission.

Waiting until everyone else has what they need first.

Instead of asking What do I want? we ask

What would make the most sense?

What would people expect?

What should I do?

What won’t disappoint anyone?

What will look successful?

And before we know it our decisions are being controlled by the main character (other people’s expectations of us, societal norms etc).

While the main character is out there having fun, adventure, making decisions, taking risks, living.

We’re stuck in the exact spot we’ve been programmed to stay, being reliable, responsible, successful, helping everyone before ourselves, until we no longer recognise who we individually are.

When you start a video game one of the first things you can do is customise your character, not just the aesthetic but their skills and abilities. So humour me, let’s start with that;

Old character

Fear of judgement: ****

Curiosity: *****

Self-trust: *

People pleasing: ****

Trying new things: ***

New character

Curiosity: *****

Resilience: ****

Humour: ***

Comparison: **

Self-trust: ****

The important thing…

You’re not becoming someone else.

You’re becoming more yourself. Making your own choices.

Games aren’t fun because you reach the ending, They’re fun because you explore the world, Complete side quests, Collect weird things, Meet strange people, Discover hidden places, overcome unexpected challenges.

Your life is exactly the same.

Maybe we’ve been treating life like a race to the credits instead of an open-world adventure.

I don’t think I’m trying to become the main character in a full adventure game, that sounds exhausting and I don’t need the world to revolve around me.

I just don’t want to spend another year standing in the same place, repeating the same lines, watching everyone else chase their dreams while I quietly cheer from the sidelines.

I want to make choices, I want to press buttons, I want to explore. I want to collect random objects. I want to get things wrong and I want to unlock parts of myself I haven’t met yet.

There’s so many different types of games; horror, thriller, puzzle, fantasy, cosy game, strategy.

Becoming the playable character isn’t enough if you’re playing a game you never chose so I’m finding the game or story that suits me and I’m finally becoming the playable character on my own terms 🧡

At risk of sounding like a broken record, you may start reading this and think you’ve heard it before. Yes to an extent but sometimes a thought just needs its own space for expansion and i didn’t want to do it in the other article and lose the purpose of that piece. So here goes…

I thought i lacked confidence.

I tried so many things, i created an alter-ego/my favourite version of me (more on this in a future post, as like i said some ideas need their own space) I did webinars, manifestation, belief coding, goal setting. Don’t get me wrong some of it helped. To an extent.

But what really gave me confidence and shifted my entire perspective on what confidence meant will surprise you, or not. But it did me.

I went vegan. I don’t just mean stopped eating meat, this isn’t a diet. Veganism is a lifestyle, i am totally against and actively boycotting anything related to animal cruelty and exploitation.

I wont eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy, honey and probably more i can’t think of right now.

I don’t buy wool, suede or leather items.

I wont buy any products tested on animals.

We changed almost everything, toothpaste, shower gel, shampoo, kitchen cleaner, detergent, makeup.

I felt so passionately about this i was happy to stand up to the backlash i was receiving and explain why this matters to me and why it’s become a core value for me.

But my point is veganism isn’t the full story, it’s the catalyst.

My point is about what happens when you start living in alignment with your values, even when it costs. When you choose something that feels right to you whether that’s veganism, religion, being childfree, changing careers, being sober, or making any other ‘unpopular’ life choice.

The confidence wasn’t built in becoming vegan. It was in making a difficult decision that felt right for me and sticking to it.

While im happy to discuss this at length with anyone interested in having a conversation im not going to push my views on anyone. We are all free to make our own choices. would i love the world to be vegan? of course, but im not an activist im just a girl out here living in line with her values.

Finding my voice and strength in making this decision had a knock on effect as to what else i could change in my life out of choice. I stopped people pleasing, shrinking myself to fit in. I learned to embrace who i am and what I believe in even if it ruffles some feathers.

Values become real when they cost you something.

It’s easy to say you’re compassionate.

It’s much harder when compassion asks you to inconvenience yourself, Or defend yourself, Or be misunderstood on a regular basis.

The moment your values require sacrifice is the moment you discover whether they’re truly your values or just ideas you like. I know so many people who will say ‘i love animals’ while eating an animal on their plate.

At first, someone disagreeing with you can feel like they’re rejecting you as a person but I realised I don’t need everyone to understand me in order for my choices to be valid.

And that my friends is incredibly freeing.

And other people’s reactions aren’t always about you. They are often reflecting their own insecurities.

I wasn’t asking anyone else to change yet a lot of people became defensive anyway.

I became comfortable being the odd one out, the awkward one.

Every restaurant.

Every family gathering.

Every holiday.

Every work event.

There are dozens of tiny moments where it’s easier to just blend in. But instead of politely declining with a simple ‘no thanks’ all invitations were responded to with ‘ill check the menue’ and ultimately ‘sorry they don’t cater for vegans so i won’t be joining’. That can be very lonely but you know who your people are when they come back with ‘how about this?’ Because they’ve done some research and checked where can or how to cater and suddenly you feel seen, included and still valued by the people around you.

Every time someone challenged me and i calmly, softly explained my reasoning…

Every time i corrected someone’s assumptions…

Every time i advocated for animals…

i got used to using my voice.

Even if nobody changed their mind, which wasn’t my objective anyway, but the practice in itself changed me.

I started trusting myself because my actions matched my beliefs and apparently internal trust is one of the strongest foundations for confidence.

I no longer wondered Who am I?

because my behaviour kept answering the question.

Once you’ve survived criticism over something deeply important…

Suddenly wearing the clothes you like, Writing honestly, Posting online, Starting a business, all seem a little less terrifying.

I’ve already proved i can survive disapproval so the fear of that loses some of its power.

Once you realise one part of your life isn’t aligned with your values, it’s difficult not to notice the others.

You start asking:

• Am I dressing like myself?

• Am I working in a way that reflects who I am?

• Am I spending time with the right people?

• Am I hiding parts of myself?

• Am I saying yes when I mean no?

One aligned decision creates permission for the next.

Authenticity compounds. Changing one thing gave me proof that i could change another.

Then another.

Eventually the confidence wasn’t coming from veganism anymore. It was coming from repeatedly choosing authenticity over approval.

I thought becoming vegan was about changing what was on my plate. I didn’t realise it would change who I was.

It taught me that living according to your values isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it’s lonely. Sometimes people misunderstand you. Sometimes you’ll be challenged simply because you’ve chosen differently. But every time I chose integrity over fitting in, I became a little more myself.

And that’s where confidence comes from, not convincing everyone else you’re right, but no longer needing their permission to live in a way that feels right to you. Not needing them to think you’re right. Because what you think is what matters most.

I would encourage everyone to identify their values and see how you can live in alignment with that. It might just change your life. 🧡

I know exactly what I want my life to look like.

I just haven’t finished building it yet.

But im working on it.

There’s a house somewhere surrounded by far more land than I currently have any business owning or even believing is possible for me. There are fields outside filled with rescued animals. Cows, sheep, chickens, pigs, sheep, dogs following me around everywhere, cats im allergic to but can’t say no to and at least one animal I definitely did not plan on acquiring but somehow ended up responsible for anyway.  Let’s assume for now this is a donkey called Harold.

There’s a vegetable garden that I will optimistically imagine is flourishing rather than being killed off by slugs and my lack of green thumb…

There’s a messy but cosy office overlooking all of it.

And somewhere in that office, likely surrounded by notebooks, half-finished ideas and a cup of coffee I’ve forgotten about, there’s me, probably a rogue duckling and definitely a dog. I’m writing, planning and thanking my lucky stars for this wonderful life.

Im writing articles, books, stories. Creating resources. Things that make people think. Things that make someone feel a little less alone. Things that occasionally make someone laugh and every now and then, something that gives somebody the courage to do the thing they’ve been quietly dreaming about.

That’s the dream.

Well.

Part of it.

Because apparently when I was deciding what I wanted from my life, I ignored the implication that you’re supposed to choose one thing. Something achievable, realistic, compliant. If you know anything about me so far it’s that that doesn’t sound at all like my vibe, so on we go…

For a long time, I thought I needed to figure out what I was going to be.

One career. One path. One sensible answer to the question, “So what do you want to do with your life?”

I don’t have one.

I want to be a writer, sure.

But i also want to grow a business into something that genuinely helps others build lives that feel like their own.

I want to foster children and create a home where someone who needs safety, stability and encouragement can find it. (Bold words from a woman who never wanted kids, but i do want to make a difference, however small)

I want an animal sanctuary. To give a safe space to animals to just live and just be an animal for no other reason than they exist and that’s the least they deserve in my opinion.

I want to have freedom over my time so i can volunteer and contribute to conservation projects across the world. I want to launch an CIC education program alongside my sanctuary, rope my partner into hosting cooking classes (he’s a brilliant cook and has embraced the challenge of recreating our favourite meals following a vegan diet.)

I want to build a community where surplus food we grow can be enjoyed by others, where no money is exchanged for it but value is found in skill or resource exchange, those who can knit jumpers for the baby animals that don’t have their mum to keep them warm, those who can re-roof a leaky chicken coop. I want to focus on helping each other and building a network. Imagine a tractor breaking down and instantly knowing who to call or the cows have trampled through a fence and i can immediately think of a group of people that can have it rebuilt and reinforced in the hour in exchange for some homemade freshly baked bread or cakes.

I want to use my time to write, grow food, cook from scratch (this is delusional remember, in my current life I’m a terrible cook) learn things, make things, rescue things, explore things and enjoy an unreasonable number of hobbies.

My home will have a designated space for my hobby room. Think a chaotic mix of library and thrift shop- books on a variety of topics that interests me and an assortment of items to compliment each theme. Think bottles of sand and sea shells, papyrus paper scrolls, mini murder boards like detectives use in the films, red string and all, a shark toy that i have covered in tiny mirror tiles and hung in the window because why the hell wouldn’t i want a discoball shark? Half finished craft projects, wonky homemade vases and an abundance of joy.

I want enough control over my own time that I can spend more of it doing things that actually matter to me.

The more I’ve figured out who I am, the less interested I’ve become in building a life that looks impressive from the outside and fits in with what everyone else is doing.

I want one that feels meaningful from the inside and more than likely looks unhinged to those on the outside.

Unfortunately, my dream appears to require approximately seven lives to fulfill it.

And yes I am aware you likely think this is all slightly ridiculous and that’s ok. My dream doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. All of us here can have dream lives that look totally different because we are all individuals, with different priorities, different things make us happy, different purpose and values.

Apparently my modest little plan for the future is to be a writer, a business owner, to build an animal sanctuary, foster children, help people pursue their dreams, contribute something useful to the planet, grow my own vegetables and ideally find time to drink a coffee somewhere in between.

Very reasonable. Very achievable.

I don’t know whether every part of this will happen. I don’t know what order it will happen in. I don’t know how long it will take. And I definitely don’t have some foolproof master plan explaining exactly how I’m going to get from here to there.

What I do have instead is a direction, drive and a purpose.

And I’m beginning to think that might be enough.

Because one of the biggest things I’m learning is that not knowing how to do something isn’t the same as it being impossible.

Sometimes you just have to start working towards it.

So that’s what I’m doing.

The dream is enormous.

The steps towards it are considerably smaller.

I write.

I publish.

I learn.

I try things.

I have ideas that work and ideas that probably deserve to be quietly buried and never mentioned again.

But the important part is that im actively taking one small, brave step by small brave step..

I’m building this little corner of the internet one article at a time.

I’m working towards fostering, we’re already partway through the long process to be approved foster carers.

I’m learning more about the things I care about.

I have 2 rescue dogs and rescue chickens pending…

I’m trying to make decisions based on the life I want rather than the life I think I’m supposed to want. Or that’s realistic for me.

And sometimes I get impatient because the distance between where I am and where I want to be feels gargantuan.

Then I remind myself of something I seem to spend an awful lot of time writing about:

progress.

My publication is called power in progress.

Not transformation overnight. Not having everything figured out. Not waiting until you’re completely confident that everything will work.

So here’s me, talking boldly and taking action to actually back it up. I want to share this journey with you in real time and hopefully this will encourage you to live your dream life too. And if i fail? I learn a lesson and you? You may get a giggle out of it.

If you should feel so inclined or inspired I would love to know what your dream life looks like and how you are working towards making it happen if you are not already living it. 🧡

For more than a year my journal entries were ‘ways to feel more confident’ ‘ways to build self belief’ and a million other variations. I did courses, meditation, belief coding, I downloaded all the journals with prompts and worked through it expecting miracles. I even went so far as to produce a small wins workbook for myself in Canva which I filled out diligently daily for months hoping for a lightbulb moment where id realise I was good enough and suddenly be the confident woman I was aspiring to be.

I wanted to be comfortable pursuing my dreams and going after my goals, living the big life I dreamed of. I thought I’d suddenly have it all figured out but nothing went deeper than surface level.

Its kind of funny and sad how I fully believed I could earn confidence like a qualification if I just completed enough coursework, worked hard enough, scored brownie points.

Then i had a bit of a breakdown. I didn’t feel like myself, hell i didn’t even know who that was anymore. I was upset that none of the people that love me most actually knew the real me, all sides of me, i didn’t even know who that was myself. Id spent so long curating myself to suit whoever I was with in that moment there were so many different versions of me that i had no idea where the original was.

I’d be quiet, agreeable, a people pleaser, said yes to things i dreaded, hid things that lit me up in order to not seem weird or to fit in.

Thinking about it now i can look back with some humour and relate it to Eminem’s  The real slim shady. At the time it was devastating and terrifying. I didn’t feel like a person, i was a robot, a shell. Thankfully it only lasted a day because my no-nonsense partner asked me

‘so who do you want to be? Who are you?’

It wasn’t profound but this lightbulb moment came from a couple of brutally simple almost bored questions. But it clicked, i didn’t have a confidence problem it was an identity problem so back to the journal I went but this time wrote down what’s important to me, what I enjoy, what i want or aspire to achieve.

I spent a few weeks figuring out who i am without any external input or expectations.

I revisited hobbies i enjoyed as a kid and focused on remembering more than becoming.

I reflected on what is important to me, my values and revised my lifestyle to reflect this. My love for animals and general compassion turned me onto a vegan lifestyle. This is more than just a plant based diet it’s ensuring any products we buy are not tested on animals it’s about minimising our contribution to any form of animal cruelty or exploitation. As a vegan I have experienced a lot of backlash from family, friends, colleagues who don’t understand my why but also don’t care to. That’s fine, im happy with my choice im not pushing it on anyone, live and let live. Strangely receiving this backlash on something i feel strongly aligned with has built my confidence because ive been strong enough to stand with conviction and not bend to accommodate others preferences like ive done my whole life. I was discovering that I could let someone disagree with me without feeling the need to change to suit them.

Previously my confidence building was quiet, internal but this choice pushed it out into the real world.

The personal-development world talks endlessly about becoming: better habits, better mindset, better body, better career, higher confidence, upgraded self. My experience was almost the opposite, it was about stripping everything back to basics, who am i fundamentally?

I realised I wasn’t a project that needed fixing. I could grow, change, become more and myself and not feel bad about it or hesitant to embrace this.

Then in June i found substack and realised I d found a home where I could be myself, test out this version of me i was still getting to know. I didn’t have to perform or cater myself to an algorithm i could share what felt right to me.

What happens if I write what I actually think? if I talk about the strange thing I’m interested in? if I stop trying to make everything fit neatly together?

Well, i find my people, make friends and connections, people can relate to my thoughts and stories and feel less alone. Nothing scary is happening i just need to trust myself and show up.

My confidence started to increase by showing up as myself fully and suddenly the whole search i had spent months on had organically made its way to me. I embraced my weird, my serious, everything in between that made me feel like myself even if they looked like they shouldn’t go together, i was inspired by a scrapbook life rather than perfect aesthetic.

My thoughts turned from how can I be a better version of myself? To let’s remember who i was or find out who I am.

The funny thing is once i stopped trying to be someone, someone confident, someone better than me and started to be comfortable being myself, there was less to be afraid of and the elusive confidence found me.

I stopped waiting for myself to feel confident before allowing myself to exist authentically.

And ironically, repeatedly choosing myself actually built confidence.

I will still doubt myself. Feel embarrassed. Worry what people think. Have insecure days.

But now I have a sense of self to return to, an understanding of who i am.

I didn’t find confidence i found something better, myself. 🧡

One week I’d be writing about courage.

The next, mythology.

Then authenticity, Women’s history, Psychology, the ocean, The joy of embracing your weird, The stories we tell ourselves, The stories we’ve inherited, The lives we dream about but never quite begin. My dreams and why they scare me to think about.

While they were all connected by the fact that it was something that interested me, when I decided to start my substack account I didn’t feel I could share everything here as it was too chaotic, disorganised and I believed no one could subscribe because they would never know what to expect from me. I worried there wasn’t a strong enough common thread, no niche. That if someone found my writing and liked something, they’d expect more of the same, but instead would get whiplash from drastic changes in topic.

Then one day, I stepped back. I tried to assess what topic I could write frequently about and sustain and what I could try and fit together. Instead of looking at each piece individually, I looked at everything I’d written as a whole. Followed all these separate threads until i realised they weren’t separate ideas at all. Each essay, observation, story, had simply been another thread woven into the same tapestry. I just hadn’t stepped back enough to notice what I was weaving.

Everything, beneath the surface, was asking one of 3 things and if you’ve noticed my updated bio you’ll have an idea of what they are;

Who am I really?

What do I care about?

How do I want to live my life?

It wasn’t all disjointed it was the same few questions just from a different viewpoint. The surface level story may seem different but at the heart of it, always, one of the above. I honestly surprised myself that I was smart enough to weave a hidden meaning into my rambling thoughts.

Following the thread

When I first started writing, I thought I was writing about confidence and that made sense at the time. Confidence was something I desperately wanted to find for myself and whilst I was trying everything I could think of, I also hoped that by sharing my journey, someone else might feel a little less alone on theirs.

But somewhere along the way, something changed.

Without really noticing, I stopped asking, ‘How can I become more confident?’

Instead, I started asking

Who am I really? beneath everyone else’s expectations,

What does it mean to live bravely?

Why do certain stories stay with us long after we’ve closed the book?

Why does mythology still feel relevant thousands of years later?

Why do some places, ideas and people change us forever?

Every question led me somewhere unexpected and every answer seemed to lead back to the same place.

Perhaps confidence wasn’t the destination after all, perhaps it was simply something that grows when we become more ourselves. And looking back now, I can see that the tapestry was already there and those 3 threads kept weaving their way through everything I wrote.

The first thread: Becoming Yourself

If there’s one thread that runs through almost everything I write, it’s this one.

I’m endlessly fascinated by identity, a fun piece coming soon(ish) on this!

Not the version of ourselves we present to the world but the quieter version, the one beneath the expectations, the one beneath embarrassment, the one beneath labels. It’s probably why I keep returning to ideas like authenticity, curiosity, embracing contradictions and reclaiming our weird because I don’t think we’re supposed to fit neatly into boxes.

We’re allowed to love wildflowers and heavy metal. To wear combat boots with floral dresses.

To be thoughtful and whimsical, soft and strong, quiet and ambitious.

Our contradictions aren’t flaws in the tapestry, they’re the details that make it interesting.

This thread is about finding our way back to ourselves. To our true selves, the one we may have temporarily forgotten.

The second thread: Living Bravely

The second thread is courage.

Not the dramatic kind, just the everyday kind.

The courage to begin before you feel ready, to say what you really think, to choose a different path to the one people expect of you. To think for yourself and reach your own conclusions, to create something that might never be seen, to show up even when it feels like you’re sharing your heart and soul and it’s landing in the void.

I’ve realised that confidence rarely arrives before courage, most of the time, courage has to come first. Confidence catches up later.

That idea has quietly found its way into so much of what I write because it’s something I’m still wrapping my head around myself.

Progress doesn’t look like having all the answers, it looks like taking one more step despite not having them. Every brave choice becomes another stitch in the tapestry.

The third thread: Finding Meaning

The final thread is probably the one that will surprise you the most, or maybe not, considering where we all are and why we’re here.

Stories, mythology, books, symbolism, history, the questions they’ve been asking for centuries.

I’ve always believed stories do more than entertain us, they give us somewhere safe to examine ourselves.

Sometimes it’s easier to recognise our fears in a fictional character than in our own reflection.

Sometimes a myth tells us something about modern life.

Sometimes a novel gives us permission to ask questions we’ve been avoiding or to imagine something different for ourselves.

Stories remind us that generations before us wrestled with uncertainty too.

They help us realise we’re part of something much bigger than ourselves.

Every story is another thread, every thread helps us understand our own and I think that’s why we find connections with characters, see parts of ourselves in their stories, feel inspired to write our own. It’s all connected.

Where the threads meet

So you see they aren’t really separate threads at all, they constantly weave into one another.

When we become more ourselves, we often have to live more bravely.

When we choose courage, we often discover new meaning.

When we find meaning, we understand ourselves more deeply.

The tapestry only exists because the threads cross and the same is true of my writing but I think it’s true of life too.

Very little exists in isolation, everything touches something else, it’s all connected.

What you’ll find here

So if you’ve recently arrived here and wondered what exactly you’ve subscribed to...

You’ll find honest reflections, more questions than answers because I don’t have them, yet. Stories that hopefully linger and resonate with you. Ideas borrowed from books, mythology and everyday life, observations about becoming, gentle encouragement to take the next brave step, the occasional reminder to embrace your wonderfully strange self, affectionately nicknamed ‘your weird’, and undoubtedly a few unexpected detours along the way.

Because sometimes the most interesting threads are the ones we didn’t plan to follow and gawd knows I love a side quest.

Why I write

I don’t write because I have it figured out, far from it.

I write because writing helps me notice the patterns. It helps me understand myself.

It helps me untangle thoughts I didn’t know I was carrying and to process feelings I don’t know what else to do with.

And every now and then, someone reads something I’ve written and feels seen and I don’t think there’s a greater compliment than making someone feel a little less alone.

If my words can help someone reconnect with themselves, choose one small act of courage or find meaning in a place they hadn’t thought to look before, then every thread has been worth weaving.

So this is the tapestry you’ll find here. It’s definitely not a perfectly planned masterpiece. You probably won’t want to hang it on your wall.

It’s a work in progress, made with love and care, being built one thread at a time. There will be tangles, knots and re-designs on the way.

If you’ve ever felt there was another version of yourself waiting to be discovered...

If you’ve ever longed for a life that felt more honest than impressive...

If you’ve ever found yourself searching for meaning in books, stories or unexpected places...

Then I have a feeling our threads might cross more than once.

Fair warning the surface topics of my writing will vary, drastically, probably but if you can stick with it and see where it’s heading, hopefully you’ll see the underlying message.

I’m really glad you’re here. 🧡

Not because I have loads of time. Not because I’m fearless. Not because I’ve had everything perfectly lined up. And certainly not because I’ve been given an end date.

Realistically we’re all dying (not to be too morbid, but death is the only certainty in life).

I had created this long list of things i wanted to do, see and experience in this life and I figured why am i waiting? So i stopped. Stopped waiting for the right time, for more money, to feel ready, to retire.

Because none if us are guaranteed tomorrow, you never know what’s around the corner so rather than waiting until I have time or i’m older or whatever, I’m going to live my life now, while I can. While I’m young enough and able-bodied enough to do it and enjoy it.

I’m not trying to do everything at once, I’m enjoying the journey.

I remember the exact moment I decided to start this list, I’ll share more on this at the end, but back then I was too young to know what I now understand it to be.

I just started by creating and adding to a list, things that felt exciting and that I could do when I was an adult. Then in my late teens I moved house and found this long forgotten notebook but flicking through the pages and deciphering a child’s handwriting i realised it still held a place in my soul, so i found out a new perfect notebook (from my large stash, *cough* stationary addict) transferred this list into it, added a few more off the top of my head and decided this is my dedicated ’bucket list’ notebook.

From there i just began ticking items off whenever I could, because I was an adult, had my own money, no good reason not to and no one to tell me I couldn’t.

I also added some awesome things i had already done that felt worthy of being on this list. I flipped to the back pages and started keeping a log of details of when and how I ticked them off, as a reminder.

Some are big. Some are small. Some are just moments I didn’t want to miss and memories I have made on my own or with various family and friends that have joined me (mostly willingly).

And that’s the thing, a life well lived isn’t built in one big moment. It’s built in the little ones you choose not to put off but embrace.

But before I end this, as promised, the story of how, when and why i started my bucket list.

I can’t remember how old i was other then i was still at primary school (uk this is ages 4-11 roughly)

I had read a book called The Northern Lights by Philip Pullman and was enamoured. I knew it was a fantasy book because giant polar bears wearing armour and talking familiars?? But the description of the northern lights had me gripped, i couldn’t get over it but i also just assumed this too was created by someone’s imagination.

We had gone to see my grandparents and my grandpa had asked me what I’d been reading lately so of course I animatedly explained this book with all the enthusiasm of a kid thinking they’ve discovered or heard something no adult has ever known or could even imagine.

When i eventually took a breath my grandpa told me he knew of the northern lights and is equally excited by them, which i couldn’t wrap my head around because he assured me he hadn’t read that book.

He then said he had something to show me and let me follow him into his home office (which as a kid was a BIG deal as there was expensive breakable stuff in there and it was out of bounds to us grandkids) he booted up his computer and sat me in his giant office chair and showed me a powerpoint presentation someone had emailed him (google images wasn’t a thing yet, yes im that old) and my little brain was cooked.

Photo after photo of what was living rent free inside my head, only better! I couldn’t figure out how these photos were real.

He patiently and excitedly explained that the northern lights or aurora borealis is a real phenomenon. He talked me through the science behind it which honestly fell onto deaf ears as I couldn’t shift my focus from the screen, i was tunnel visioned.

He confided that he wants to go and see this in his lifetime and I realised that adults can actually do the coolest things and that when I was grown up I could do this too.

The realisation that we can actually make choices like that was astonishing to me and it was the first time I realised I could think big for my life.

What i saw from adults around me was that everyone gets married, has kids, goes to work, drives a car. This was what I thought being an adult was but my grandpa gave me a different perspective.

I got home that day and wrote a

‘Things to do when im an adult’ list,

you know where this is heading, and the first item on there was

see the northern lights

A while later in school we learned about the ancient Egyptians and guess what happened when I discovered that was real life history and you can actually go and see the pyramids??

Sadly these 2 items are still yet to be crossed off my bucket list but it has encouraged me to do many other incredible things in my life and I will be forever grateful to my grandpa for this conversation.

He may not have even remembered it but it became a core memory for me, gave me a mindset shift and changed the way I live my life and I cannot thank him enough.

Sadly the only time i told him of this profound impact he had on me was through tears to his coffin. I can’t dwell on this too much without my chest cracking wide open so on a positive note he did go and see the northern lights and I know that whenever i also take that trip he will be right alongside me.

But while I’m out here crossing off swimming with sharks and skydiving I ought to add on things like

Tell your loved ones about a specific thing you appreciate about them or want to thank them for

Because while I want to live a full life with no regrets, I’ve already learned the hard way that some things sneak up on you and hindsight is cruel.

But I’m intrigued, do you have a bucket list? Apparently it’s not too common, so far im the only person i know who has one and actively does stuff on it.

If not, What’s one thing on your ‘someday’ list that you could start or do sooner? 🧡

Edit- google images launched in July 2001 so I’d have been 10 at the time. The northern lights book is aimed at readers aged 11-14 but I had an advanced reading age so best i can figure is this interaction happened when i was approximately 8-10.

They’re noticing our clothes.

Our mistakes.

The music we listen to.

Who we’re friends with.

The things we enjoy.

Then, in our twenties, it feels like they’re watching our decisions.

What career we’ve chosen.

Where we live.

Whether we’re ‘successful’ enough.

How we spend our weekends.

We grow up believing we’re constantly being observed.

Then one day we realise something surprising.

Most people were worrying about exactly the same thing.

Psychologists call it the imaginary audience, the belief that everyone is constantly watching and judging us. It’s incredibly common when we’re young, yet many of us carry it well into adulthood without ever questioning it.

Everyone is starring in their own film, convinced everyone else is watching.

In reality, Most Judgement Lasts Seconds

Think about the last stranger you saw wearing something unusual.

You probably noticed them for a moment before carrying on with your day.

Yet we convince ourselves people will remember us forever because we felt uncomfortable.

How many times have you worried about wearing the ‘wrong’ shoes with your outfit? Felt embarrassed admitting your favourite band? Hesitated to share a hobby because someone might think it’s strange?

The truth is that people are far too busy worrying about themselves to analyse you the way you imagine.

The Cost of an Imaginary Audience

How many things have you denied yourself because you thought people were watching?

Dancing.

Posting online.

Starting a business.

Wearing the outfit.

Being enthusiastically, unapologetically yourself.

Not because someone stopped you.

Because you imagined they might judge you.

We trade years of possibility to avoid moments of discomfort.

Five seconds of awkwardness feels unbearable, so we sacrifice dreams that could have changed our lives.

We stay quiet.

Play it safe.

Never tall to the stranger.

Never publish the article.

Never apply.

Never begin.

All to avoid a judgement that often never arrives.

Confidence Isn’t the Absence of Judgement

People might judge you.

Some definitely will.

But confidence isn’t convincing yourself that everyone approves.

It’s deciding your life matters more than their opinion.

It’s choosing not to let strangers you’ll probably never see again have influence over your life and choices.

People will always have opinions.

Real freedom begins when those opinions stop deciding what kind of life you’re willing to live.

The People Who Matter Usually Cheer For You

One of adulthood’s nicest surprises is discovering that genuinely happy people love seeing other people enjoying themselves.

They’re not laughing because you started painting, they’re asking what inspired your first piece.

They’re not rolling their eyes because you started a business, they’re asking how it’s going.

The happiest people rarely mock enthusiasm.

They’re the ones encouraging your ideas.

Buying your book.

Sharing your work.

Celebrating your wins as if they were their own.

The people who spend their lives creating rarely have time to criticise those who are creating too.

The Internet Makes The Audience Feel Bigger Than It Is

Social media convinces us we’re performing on a stage.

That thousands of people are analysing every post.

In reality?

Most content disappears into the scroll within seconds.

The audience feels enormous.

Reality is much quieter.

What If They’re Thinking Something Nice?

Our brains are remarkably good at inventing criticism.

Someone looked at us- They must be judging.

Someone paused on our post- They must think it’s ridiculous.

But what if they’re actually thinking…

I wish I had her confidence.

That’s such a cool outfit.

Good for her.

We almost never imagine positive judgement.

The next time you admire someone’s outfit, smile at them.

Tell them.

And

Compliment the artist.

Encourage the writer.

Celebrate the person nervously sharing something they’ve created.

Maybe they’re wearing that outfit for the first time.

Maybe they almost didn’t press publish.

Maybe your words become the reason they keep going.

If we don’t say anything, people often fill the silence with their own fears.

Let’s give them something kinder to remember.

Kindness is free, yet it has the power to completely change someone’s day and it’s an infinite resource, spread liberally!

Your Younger Self Needed Permission

Imagine telling your fourteen-year-old self:

No one is keeping score.

You don’t have to be cool.

Everyone else is winging it too.

How much sooner would you have started living?

Becoming Memorable Means Risking Looking Silly

The people we admire rarely blended in.

Artists.

Authors.

Entrepreneurs.

Musicians.

They became memorable because they embraced what made them different.

At some point, every one of them looked “cringe” to somebody.

They carried on anyway.

Replace “What Will They Think?”

Instead, ask yourself:

What will I think if I never try?

That question can change everything

End Reflection

Growing up isn’t realising that judgement disappears.

It’s realising your life is too valuable to keep giving power to strangers.

Most people aren’t paying nearly as much attention as you imagined.

The biggest audience wasn’t the people around us.

It was the one we built inside our own heads.

And the few people who really are watching?

1- they’re not always judging or thinking negatively

2- They don’t need to get a say in how you spend the only life you’ll ever have

So now that we’ve dismantled the imaginary audience…

What will you do with the freedom? 🧡

Dream bigger.

Take up space.

Be loud about your ambitions.

Go after the life you want with your whole chest, because the freedoms we call ‘normal’ today were once either not an option or acts of rebellion.

There was a time when women were institutionalised, lobotomised, and dismissed as hysterical simply for expressing emotion, anger, independence, or showing the effects of hormones out of their control and that no one cared to understand.

There was a time when women who studied herbs, healing, midwifery, and medicine were hunted, drowned, hanged, and burned as ‘witches’ because this knowledge in the hands of women terrified society and threatened the patriarchy.

There was a time when women who wanted education instead of marriage were labelled difficult, cold, selfish, or ‘spinsters’.

Women who didn’t fit neatly into expectation were mocked, ostracised, and treated like cautionary tales.

And honestly? Not that much has changed.

Even now, women are judged for living differently.

Don’t want children? Selfish.

Want a career? Cold.

Raise chickens in your garden? Strange.

Live alone? Sad.

Too outspoken? Intimidating.

Too confident? Full of yourself.

Meanwhile, men can do the exact same things and be called interesting, independent, intellectual, eccentric, successful.

And don’t get me started on the bs laws about women’s own bodies and the oppression that comes with that.

Or

Victim shaming.

‘Beauty’ standards.

Let’s face it the list honestly and scarily is endless.

So my take away is; let them judge.

Women have always been judged. The question is not whether people will have opinions about your life. They will.

The real question is:

Will you let that fear of judgment stop you from living?

Or

will you proudly become one more woman in history who stood against expectation and chose herself anyway?

Because every woman who dares to live authentically makes the world wider for the women who come after her.

I’m here to join the women they whispered about, the women who tried, the women who built a life that felt like freedom instead of permission.

I’m doing it for the women who came before us and never got the chance.

For the women who will come after me that will look back on our generation.

And for myself too.

I get one life so you bet your ass I’m living it on my terms.

‘We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren’t able to burn’

- Tish Thawer from her 2015 novel The Witches of BlackBrook

Isn’t the quote that lives rent free in my head for no reason 🧡

I wish I could tell you I lived the life you dreamed about. Made those big dreams our reality.

I wish I could say I was brave.

That I went after the things that lit me up.

That I didn’t let fear, doubt, or ‘what if’ hold me back.

But the truth is… I waited.

I waited to feel ready.

I waited for the right time.

I waited until I felt more confident, more worthy, more sure of myself.

But somehow, that moment never came.

Life didn’t slow down for me to catch up.

The years passed quietly, and all those things I thought I’d do ‘one day’,

became things I just… never did.

Not because I couldn’t.

But because I didn’t.

Didn’t even try.

And that’s the part I’m finding hardest to sit with, that’s weighing on me the heaviest.

I don’t regret the mistakes I made, but I regret the chances I didn’t take.

The times I played small.

Worried too much about what others would think.

The moments I talked myself out of trying in case I failed.

The version of me I never gave chance to exist.

You still have time.

More than I do now.

And I’m not asking you to be fearless.

I’m asking you to stop waiting for a version of you that feels ready.

Because she isn’t coming.

You are already enough and the version that does feel ready or worthy, She’s created by what you choose to do next.

Not before.

Please don’t get to where I am and wonder what your life could have been. And be focusing more on your regrets than your wonderful memories and achievements.

You don’t need permission.

You don’t need certainty.

You just need to begin.

What have you really got to lose?

With love,

The version of you who wishes she took a chance and believed in herself. 🧡

Its not that I hate my job or am ashamed of it or anything but I just feel that there is a lot more to me than that and I don’t want to be reduced to this small, superficial detail.

Who and why did we decide that when we meet someone new the most important thing we can learn about them is what their job is? When did this become a standard greeting?

If you really want to get to know me ask what i love doing.

What are my hobbies or interests?

What are my most important values?

This to me is the best way to get to know someone, not on a superficial level.

I haven’t asked someone what they do for work in years because unless you do something incredibly exciting or different, i don’t care. And chances are if you do do something interesting or worth knowing, you’ll answer that with my ‘what do you enjoy?’ question anyway.

Does anyone actually like being asked what they do for a living?

Does anyone else have a go-to question for meeting new people? 🧡

And honestly reading it back and trying to finish it i feel like a completely different person. Looking back and remembering is almost like an out of body experience, its so surreal.

So if this sounds like 2 different people writing this i guess in some ways it is. Im trying to make it as cohesive as possible but without losing the strong feelings and meaning in the original part.

When you hear breakthrough you expect clarity, Momentum, Signs you’re on the right path.

Instead, you get doubt.

Fear.

Exhaustion.

The feeling that everything is falling apart.

When you hear dreakdown you think weakness, sadness, anxiety. They don’t seem at all the same right?

Not too long ago I genuinely felt like I was breaking down.

I didn’t feel like me. In truth, I didn’t even feel like a real person, i felt empty, hollow, robotic.

All I could see were the versions of myself everyone else wanted.

The expectations.

The labels.

The roles.

The person I should be.

Somewhere amongst all of that, I couldn’t find myself.

It felt like the ground beneath me was shifting. Like the world I’d built my identity on was crumbling around my ears. Like my body all of a sudden decided it could no longer carry this crushing weight and it flattened me.

I felt scared.

I felt alone.

Lost.

Deeply misunderstood.

And perhaps hardest of all, I felt disconnected from myself.

But something interesting happened on the other side of that breakdown.

Peace.

Clarity.

Strength.

Not all at once. Not in some dramatic movie-moment way.

It started with relief, a quiet knowing, a subtle shift i couldn’t pinpoint or name.

During this ’episode’ my partner bless him, was utterly bewildered with no idea where this was coming from and baffled as to what he was supposed to do while I wailed hysterically and sobbed my heart out because I felt like a robot and not a person.

But when he was eventually able to decipher a somewhat coherent thought i was word vomiting between sobs, he asked me in his to-the-point way ‘ok then so who are you?

Who do you want to be?

And who don’t you?’

Just calmly, rationally, Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Like i could actually just change to suit this.

And actually, by having to vocalise my response to that, it had me realising that the parts of me falling away were never truly me to begin with. He was right. (unknowingly, he had absolutely no idea of the impact his words had, he just really wanted me to stop crying 😂) But i could just shed what no longer belonged with me.

The expectations.

The people-pleasing.

The versions of myself I had outgrown but was still carrying.

What felt like my world collapsing was actually space being created.

Space for me.

Space for what I want.

Space for what matters to me, not others.

Space for the life I’m trying to build.

Maybe that’s why breakthroughs feel so uncomfortable.

Because before something new can emerge, something old often has to be released.

And letting go rarely feels graceful when you’re in the middle of it. It feels like freefalling with no safety net.

So if you’re in a season where everything feels uncertain, if it feels like you’re losing your footing, if you’re questioning who you are and where you’re going…

Keep going.

And sometimes the person you find on the other side is more you than you’ve ever been before. 🧡

If you ever feel lonely please send me a message. It doesn’t matter whether we’ve spoken before or if you are a subscriber. All that matters is you know you’re not alone no matter how lonely it feels. Trust me, I’ve been there, I know.

We are taught that success looks like:

Study hard.

Pick a career.

Work hard.

Climb steadily.

Reach the top.

But real life is rarely that neat or linear and when do we get the step for enjoying life?

Many of us discover new passions, priorities, interests and identities as we grow. What suited you at 22 may not suit you at 42.

A tree doesn’t apologise for growing new branches, so neither should we.

On my career tree, every branch teaches you something.

The job you left.

The business that failed.

The hobby that became an income stream.

The qualification you never directly used.

None of it is wasted. It all nurtures your tree because at some point it nurtured you and your soul.

Trees don’t regret growing branches that later stop producing fruit.

I believe every experience develops skills, confidence, resilience and perspective that become part of who you are. This is all essential for growth.

Different seasons give us different things.

Sometimes growth looks like:

Starting a business.

Learning a new skill.

Taking a promotion.

Other times growth looks like:

Rest.

Healing.

Raising children.

Caring for family.

Rebuilding after burnout.

Trees aren’t in bloom all year round so surely it’s unrealistic to expect ourselves to be?

Success doesn’t have to be linear.

The ladder says:

“How high can you climb?”

But The tree asks:

“How much can you grow?”

I know which one i prefer.

Growth can mean many different things at any given time;

More freedom.

More confidence.

Better health.

More creativity.

Stronger relationships.

Greater impact.

Not every success comes with an ‘impressive’ job title or a fancy office.

You’re allowed to outgrow a branch.

A branch that once felt exciting may eventually feel restrictive.

That doesn’t mean you failed.

It means you evolved.

You don’t have to stay where you started just because you worked hard to get there, you can grow a new one or climb to somewhere else on your tree.

Comparison makes less sense on a tree (is a sentence i never imagined writing)

I’ve just frazzled my own brain by that comment but hear me out;

Ladders create competition.

Someone is always above you. Trying to climb with you, reach the top before you.

Trees are different.

An oak tree doesn’t compare itself to a cherry blossom. A sapling isn’t competing with a 100 year old willow. They happily coexist and share the same sunlight.

Your path is unique because your growth is unique. You are unique. So at what point did it make sense that everyone should have the same goals and destination?

On the career tree the most interesting lives usually look chaotic from the ground.

When you look at people doing remarkable things, their journeys often include:

Career changes.

Side projects.

Failed businesses.

Unexpected opportunities.

Detours.

What looked like wandering was often exploration.

What looked like confusion was often growth.

On the career ladder gaps in employment look like weakness and we’re told that’s something you should avoid.

My tip for your own career tree: dont be afraid to branch out 😉

Not every idea needs to become your forever career.

Be free to:

Try things.

Experiment.

Take classes.

Start projects.

Follow curiosities.

Do something just for fun or to be bad at it.

If you’ve stuck with me this far i thank you and i promise im wrapping up.

In conclusion I don’t want a career ladder.

I don’t want one narrow route leading to one predefined destination.

I want a career tree.

One with strong roots, unexpected branches, different seasons, plenty of room to grow, and the freedom to become more than one thing in a lifetime. Among other things I want the freedom to raise chickens in my garden.

Because a life well lived isn’t always about climbing higher.

Sometimes it’s about growing wider. (Im not talking eating all the cake, however im a big advocate of that too!) but it’s about being comfortable with taking up space.

Who else would prefer a career tree? 🌳 🧡

Somewhere along the way, we stopped collecting memories and started curating aesthetics. Suddenly everyone has to fit into a perfectly labelled box; clean girl, boss babe, matcha girlie. (No hate here if that’s genuinely what brings you joy)

But meanwhile while I’m over here wearing a floaty floral dress with cowboy boots one day and a Metallica T-shirt with platform doc martins the next.

My Spotify playlist has absolutely no respect for genre either. It’ll happily go from Celine Dion to Slaughter to Prevail, throw in Harry Styles, Lorna Shore, some 90s throwback for good measure then finish with Zac Brown Band just to keep everyone on their toes. It’s basically musical whiplash and im so here for it.

We’ve mistaken having an aesthetic for having a personality.

Real people aren’t curated mood boards or colour-coordinated Instagram grids.

We’re collections of miss-match of interests, a variety of random things that bring us joy or make us feel, impulse hobbies we convince ourselves we’re going to stick to this time, and enough contradictions to confuse the algorithm. And honestly? I think that’s far more interesting.

I don’t want to know your aesthetic.

I want to know what makes your eyes light up.

What do you secretly love that doesn’t “fit your brand”?

What rabbit holes can you disappear down for hours at a time?

What can you talk about for an hour and barely stop to take breath?

What would your camera roll reveal that your Instagram never would?

I’ve come to the conclusion that becoming your favourite self isn’t about finding the right label. I think it’s about peeling them all off and realising you were allowed to be wonderfully complicated all along.

Give me the random stickers that go haphazardly, overlapping, upside down and look as far from cohesive as possible.

So yeah, i want a scrapbook life, torn out pages, scribbled notes and doodles, layered, messy, full of memories and unexpected combinations, not designed to impress anyone but i love it because it’s mine. 🧡

If you’ve not met me yet, hi im Seph and I’m currently making several big changes in my life and let’s just say not everyone that knows me is on board and supportive.

Some even appear to take it very personally, even though it has no impact on them whatsoever except i am less easily influenced or manipulated by them now.

But anyway, mushrooms. Most often they say yes they do like mushrooms (though i’ll never know why because I hate them 😖) but this affirmative answer means I can follow it up with ‘did you like them as a child?’

Usually that’s a no. I can then let them know well great, you got older your likes and perspectives changed and that’s ok, thats growth and a human trait. You ask me why the ‘drastic’ change? I guess im just learning to like mushrooms in my own way.

When my partner and I were looking at getting a dog he asked what breed I wanted, I didn’t care but I strongly wanted to adopt not shop. I wanted to do something good for another being that was already here and struggling in the world rather than paying someone to produce a perfect new puppy purely for their own financial gain. And I’ll leave that there or I’ll never finish my story.

It was my first time having a dog and I fell in love. Hard. From a woman never wanting to be a mother I was immediately a dog mum and that was my whole personality for a few years. 6 months later we adopted another rescue. I loved them more than I could have imagined. I was so proud seeing them adapt, learn, grow, develop or feel safe enough to share their personalities. Play. Enjoy life.

One day while visiting my partner’s brother we took the dogs for a walk through the countryside and came across some roaming cows. We kept the dogs on lead and away from the cows so as not to disturb or spook them but as the herd walked calmly past us one came over and started to play bow to my dogs (icydk dogs bow down to each other to instigate play) then it started darting from side to side as if challenging them to come chase it. My dogs obviously immediately wanted to play with this weird giant dog but we didn’t want them accidentally getting trampled or scaring the rest of the herd so we moved on.

But my point is seeing cows and their personality and interacting in the same way my dogs do I couldn’t rationalise that we eat these animals or exploit them because hand on heart I would die for my dogs.

Long story short(ish) my partner and I are now vegan and trying our hardest to minimise our contribution to animal cruelty and exploitation. And from this I have developed this inherent desire to do good in the world.

I was on a self confidence journey and suddenly this shift made me want to help other women build their own confidence too.

I became enraged at oppression and suddenly my world has been set on fire and I am this whole being with strong views, values and a sense of purpose.

We’re even now in the process of becoming foster carers so we can extend the love and support we provide from animals to children.

I am nowhere near done and I may not fully know how yet but I will make a positive difference while I’m here.

So yeah, getting a dog changed my whole life and they have absolutely no idea. They’re just perfectly content, obliviously snoring away and living their best lives.

Has anyone else’s life been changed by an animal? 🧡

You may have seen me lurking around here for about a week, telling myself I wasn’t quite ready to post yet. But it turns out this place has a habit of making people feel welcomed and brave. Like maybe it’s okay to be seen after all.

It’s refreshing to find a corner of the internet where people seem more interested in actual conversations than algorithms and real connection over chasing the next viral trend.

But you’re here, so you already know that.

So, a bit about me.

I’m a 30 something girlie who’s recently woken up mad.

Mad at the limitations society has subtly handed us.

The expectations we’ve inherited.

The invisible rules we’ve absorbed.

The ‘facts’ we’ve accepted without ever questioning them or wondering ‘who decided that?’

I don’t remember agreeing to any of this.

And now that I’ve started questioning it, something for me has shifted.

There’s no going back.

That bridge has burned.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m just no longer afraid to ask questions or to challenge what doesn’t feel right for me.

This publication (I think that’s what we’re supposed to call it here?) is my thoughtful rebellion.

You’ll find me writing about identity, ambition, why so many of us feel guilty for wanting more, how it feels when we stop trying to squeeze ourselves into versions that we never really fit into in the first place.

A quick disclaimer: I’m not here to tell you what to think. I’m not here to pretend I know what’s right for you. I’m here to encourage you to think for yourself.

I’m here to write in my messy, unfiltered way.

I want to spark curiosity.

To remind you that you’re allowed to think for yourself.

To ask questions we feel like we shouldn’t.

To decide what kind of life actually feels like yours.

Expect essays, uncomfortable questions, thoughts that resonate, the occasional rant, and hopefully the kind of writing that lights a fire in you, encourages you to burn a few unnecessary bridges of your own, and that lingers in your mind long after you’ve closed the app.

I’m on a journey to stop people pleasing. To embrace all the chaotic, contradictory parts of myself because, yes, I’m a complex human being.

I’ve spent years building versions of myself to keep everyone else comfortable and i lost myself in that process.

I’m done with that.

Now I’m trying something different.

Thinking for myself.

Living authentically.

Taking up space without apologising for it.

Discovering for myself what is right for me.

More than anything, I want to encourage you to become your favourite self, not your ‘best’ self because who decides what ‘best’ means anyway?

If you’ve ever looked at your life and wondered,

‘Whose life am I actually living?’ Or ‘Is this really what I want?’

Then I think you’ll feel at home here.

Come question and unlearn with me.

Welcome.

Love Seph 🧡