As I lay down on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I realize… I'm a coward. I'm too afraid to move forward, too afraid to stand my ground. Always behind, never forward. I always thought I was going to do things alone, solve my situation alone, walk into places unknown and unseen by me alone, with no one beside me, and now I realize that I think that only because I'm secretly looking for someone to hold me. For someone to join me, to tell me that they are with me.

I'm a big coward who always relied on people around me to help me. Never helping them the way they helped me. Never being able to go further for them the way they went further… for me.

I tell them my problem, and they tell me my solution. I give them my case, and they give me a solution, yet I listen to them with no way to solve their problem. I stare in their eyes while they stare at mine as they pour out their heart to me in tears, but yet… I could do nothing.

I expect things I can't offer. They give up things I can't give up willingly, never asking for anything back, yet I take what they give wholeheartedly, not looking back once… at them.

I am being defended for, I am being stood up for, I am protected, but I can't do the same. You can say that they are good, kind, helpful, givers, generous, you name it, but you can't say that for me, a person who hides behind the back cowardly, never known for the same things… and maybe never would be.

Ahh… the sparks…. I watch the spark in their eyes as they talk about the things they want to do, places they want to explore, the luxury, the glamour, or wonderful things that I find myself not thinking about, at least not in the way they do. Always afraid to take a step ahead, even when I have everyone holding onto me. Always having second thoughts, always afraid of the unknown, that mysterious path that I do not know the end to, while I watch them wanting and going at it, even when they do not know what lies ahead of them.

And still here I am…. not wanting that part, not wanting to venture into the unknown.

Running, delaying, pausing.

I couldn't even be envious because I know they deserve it. I couldn't be angry with them because I didn't have the right. They talked about dreams they were brave to face with me hiding in the back. While I… I

I talked about mine in the silence of my heart, with only God being my listener, but I wonder if he… what he thought of me, because I didn't think so good of myself.

At last, this is a part of me that I always knew but was always afraid to admit.

I am a coward, just maybe a different kind of breed.

At a young age, I wasn't so sure of who I was, and honestly, I didn't really care. I played loud, laughed loud, sang hard even when I didn't have an audience. I was what you called a parrot because I talked too much and spoke a lot even when there was no one really to listen to me. I wanted things and I got them, I wanted to go places and my parents would take me there. I mean, they had the money, so why not?

Then I grew. I grew into a stunning lady, all curves and glamour, still being treated like a princess. Nobody objected to it. Why would they?

I entered one of the major universities in the world, Harvard University, and no, not by connection, just by my own merit. I had to study hard for something I wanted, you know. You see, I was rich, yes, proud and boastful, and I was able to build my own business from small to big just at the age of sixteen and of course, with the support of my parents. No, dear, not their money, but their support.

But I still didn't like the idea of depending on my parents or anyone for help. Heck, I only felt the need to ask for favours when I really needed them, but I always repaid them back. I liked being independent. I liked knowing that whatever I had, I had worked for it, even if my parents had given me the foundation to stand on.

But that was until I couldn't.

Until I needed one favour, one that almost ruined me.

During my second year in university, I met a girl. Her name was Sara, Sara Martinez. She was a lovely girl with great ambitions and was very serious in everything she did. She majored in arts, aiming to become a renowned artist someday, while I majored in business, so we didn't get to see each other every day.

Everyone knew who I was. I was happy, cheerful, proud and boastful of my accomplishments, though I never told them about the business that I owned. Only my parents knew about it, and I couldn't tell everyone because I knew these people didn't really like me. They liked the me they could spend on, and I did so generously, not because I was stupid, but because I just wanted to. I had money, so if someone needed help and I could give it, I gave it.

Sara and I had never crossed paths before, and I guess she had noticed me on campus sometimes, but I never noticed her. Well... not until that day.

It was on a Sunday night that was particularly bright for some reason that I didn't know, but I noticed anyway. I was coming back with my friends from an outing together when suddenly, we were attacked by a group of thugs, all carrying a weapon of some sort, like they were going for some kind of war. I honestly didn't understand why we were targeted, but I still wasn't backing down.

We were surrounded by them, each one forming a circle around us. My heart was beating fast, but my face remained cold. The supposed leader became angry with my inactivity and decided to play a twisted game with us. I was pinned down and made to kneel by them while my friends were each given a stick of their own.

The instructions were simple: either hit me and leave a mark on my body or be beaten by the thugs themselves. I clenched my hands, my jaw tightening, but I didn't make a sound.

The first hit came.

Then another.

And another.

My friends were crying, apologising every time they struck me, but they had no choice. They were terrified too. Hit after hit came until I was barely conscious, with wounds all over my body. My friends were eventually let go because of their, and I quote, "effort," while I remained there on the ground.

I managed to gain some stance and looked at the leader, and that's when I saw it. In his eyes was a kind of cruelty that I knew I would never forget in my life.

I immediately sensed a danger that made the sweat on my body turn cold. I started moving, trying to get up and look for an escape route, but my voice was trembling from the terror in my body. I couldn't move. I just needed to escape.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a figure dressed completely in black standing very far from us, just looking and never acting. The figure had been there all the time. I couldn't dwell much on it because I was soon grabbed by my hair and thrown to the feet of the leader, who crouched down beside me and opened the cover of a can. I could smell it immediately.

I started thrashing around, but I was pinned down. I couldn't breathe because I was also being held tightly by the neck. The leader started laughing as he brought the liquid closer to my face. I closed my eyes, almost accepting my fate, wanting to see my parents, who were far away from me, just one more time.

Just as the liquid reached me, I heard it.

That sound.

Sirens.

I have never loved that sound more than anything in my life.

I was immediately let go, not without receiving one final punch to the head.

When I woke up three days later, I found myself in a hospital. My parents were already there by my side, and for the first time in a very long time, I cried. I cried so bitterly about what had happened and what could have happened to me. My parents stayed with me until I was discharged before taking me back home.

It took me months before I recovered, therapy included. There were days when I couldn't sleep properly and nights when I would wake up remembering everything. Sometimes, even the sound of a siren would make my heart beat faster than it should. I hated that feeling, the feeling of knowing that something had been taken from you even though you were still alive.

My parents didn't mention the incident at all until I asked them.

The thugs had been caught and would be facing multiple charges of assault. But there was an accomplice, a student who I didn't know but who knew me very well.

Sara Martinez.

Turns out she wasn't just an arts student. She was also a computer student and a hacker who had been obsessed with destroying me. She had watched me, followed my activities and somehow knew more about me than I ever knew about her. She had arranged for the event that happened to me, but her goal wasn't accomplished because I survived.

She was later found and arrested for her crimes and was also facing multiple charges.

I couldn't understand why she did what she did, so I decided to visit her in prison.

As I sat with her, she went on about how she thought I was too boastful, too prideful, all because I had money and looks, and she hated that so much that she wanted to ruin me. She talked about how she hated seeing people around me, hated how people admired me, hated how easily I seemed to get everything I wanted.

All the time she talked, I didn't move. I just sat there, staring at her before finally cutting her short.

"I was prideful, yes. I was boastful, yes. I was rich, yes. But did I ever do anything wrong to you? Did I ever hurt you? Did I ever take anything away from you? I was fair to people and to myself, only taking pride in my own accomplishments, never in somebody else's. So what right did you have to do what you did?"

She stared at me for a moment before she burst out crying like a baby.

I didn't flinch.

I just looked at her before standing up and leaving that place forever, never to see that stranger again.

That one unknown enemy.

I knew that I was scared and hurt.

I knew that there might be people like her coming after me again, people who might hate me without even knowing me, people who might look at my life and decide that I didn't deserve what I had.

But...

I wasn't going to bow down to anybody.

I wasn't going to stop being myself because someone else couldn't stand the person I was.

I was going to continue living my life with my head held high.

Because what happened to me had changed me, yes.

But it wasn't going to break me.

You have a lot of thoughts that are not good. They are not pure, and they are not you, yet you can't seem to switch them off. Every day, you first battle with yourself, battles that, most of the time, your bad side wins. Those battles make you no longer feel like yourself.

You want to change, but you can't even remember who you once were. You look deep inside, but you can't seem to reach that little girl anymore. Every now and then, you have visions of her being good, being kind, being quiet, but you know that, no matter what, you can't go back to who that little girl was. And even if you could, it would be hard because you lost her without even knowing.

How did you lose her, though? Was it when you were trying to fit in? Was it when everyone kept saying you were too quiet, too dull, not sharp, not intelligent, and easily bullied? Was it when you felt rejected by the ones you loved? Trying to keep up but losing yourself along the way.

And now, how do you get back up? How do you go back to her? Where do you find her?

There are a lot of things you want to change these days just to go back: your thoughts, your words, your ways, your responses, your thinking, the way your emotions make you think and feel, wanting to be missed by people, wanting to be acknowledged by everyone, and not wanting to be average. Wanting to be known by anyone you come across for all the good reasons and never the bad.

You want to change all that, but where do you start? Huh? Because I don't think you know.

Every day, you are reminded that you aren't enough, that you have nothing, and that you have achieved nothing. All of this makes you desperate. You pray to God for change, to become a better person, to be good, kind, hardworking, and worthy of being called His child. But what improvement have you made?

Sometimes, you even forget the hurtful things that have been going through your mind for a while. You forget the goals you set for yourself, and you end up ruining everything. No wisdom. No understanding. No change.

Seriously, though, how are you going to do this?

Sorry. So sorry, really, because it's getting harder, right? No, not harder. You aren't getting any better at changing, are you? You try. You really do. But you aren't getting anywhere.

We can still hope to change ourselves, but you can't change when you keep making the same mistakes. The same things you keep repeating over and over again, as if you just can't stop.

So what are you going to do?

God, help you.

But... being away from all that helps, right? Being away from the people who stir up those emotions in you. Not that it is their fault, but it does ease your mind, doesn't it? It gives you a breath of fresh air, time to think about yourself, about your faults, to heal in a way, and to clear your mind and heart.

It's been a long time since I have been here. It really has been okay, I guess. There hasn't been much going on around me... well, except for the same things that have always been going on.

There is this phase of life that I am in right now that is somehow tiring, scary, and uncomfortable. I guess I am not yet sure of the words to describe it, but it is not exciting at all. My emotions are still all over the place. I am still asking God for the help that I desperately need.

I learned something today: to redirect my prayers toward becoming an empowered person, growing in every aspect of my life. I have tried it before, but not for long enough. So this time, I want to stay with it long enough to see real growth in myself.

Our future is always bright. As long as there is God, no one is ever truly beyond hope. That is what I believe.

God never lies.

STORY BEGINS

Waves, a force of current moving so powerfully that they take my breath away. I do wish they could take away all my burden, all this weight that I have carried for years now.

I have stood on this very shore, waiting and watching for the past five years. My heart aching, my feet hot, my tears staining this very ground, yet nothing.

Five years ago, I made a promise, one that should have been fulfilled, one that should have brought me... us, happiness. Joy so great that I would never know. But at last, it became a promise left unfulfilled.

Still, I have waited, searching, longing, and hoping that I would see him again.

I looked down at the envelope, my heart clenching tightly at its edges. Inside was a letter that was read too late. If only I had been here. If only I had opened it then. Maybe, just maybe, things would have been different by now.

I closed my eyes, never letting the tears escape. I had cried enough, regretted enough, even though it never felt enough. Not to me, at least.

I looked up at the sea again, a place that took but gave at the same time, wondering if it would give back what it could have taken from me, but knowing it might not have taken anything either.

I turned back and headed home, passing the places where we had been in those years. The laughter, the joy, the pranks, and the innocence of those moments.

I stopped at Mama Cream Café, where we always used to sit and talk about anything and everything.

The café was beautiful, giving a feeling of home without even trying. It still did, even now, but it still didn't feel the same as before. Everything didn't feel the same as before... after.

The bell to the café jingled as I opened the door and entered, moving to the corner where we always sat while we waited for our order.

I looked out the window, just watching. People passing, children laughing, parents running after their children, cars moving, everyone going about their day like every other day.

My coffee and cake were set in front of me. It was his favorite, mint cake, something I didn't like but had now grown to love.

I thanked the waitress as I ate, thinking of the envelope still pressed tightly against my breast pocket.

The walk back home was long and emotionally draining. I missed home so much. I missed everything about him. He was my comfort, my helper... my other half, and I lost him.

I took my time walking back home, back to the house we once lived in together but that now felt emptier than ever. The long walk was slow and much needed, a comfort in its own way. I needed the time away, much like every day since then.

But still, it wasn't long until I reached home, hesitating before I entered the house. It was still horrifying, knowing I wasn't opening the door to his laughter, his smile, or his scattered beauty anymore.

My eyes were red as my jaw clenched together.

How long will I have to continue like this?

How long should I live like this?

I quickly entered the house, pushing away the feelings inside me and moving toward the kitchen. It was nighttime already, and I didn't feel like eating anything anymore.

I simply lay on the couch, waiting until sleep took me.

Morning came faster than I expected.

I moved toward my bedroom, his picture immediately coming into view as I took in his smile.

I smiled a little and went into the bathroom, cleaning up with my thoughts still drifting to him.

I sighed softly, doing everything quickly. The faster I left this house, the better for me.

I began my walk toward the sea again, my second home since then... since before then.

I sat down on the ground, waiting and watching the sea again. It seemed strange today. But then again, I had been feeling strange since I woke up this morning.

The same letter was still in my hands. It carried his final words to me. The words I had so foolishly refused to look at.

I wished he had listened, that he had seen my reason, that he had stopped. But he was a stubborn man, and perhaps it was one of the reasons I loved him so frustratingly.

Well, he did have many annoying sides to him, but I couldn't see myself loving him any less.

But... I still wished he had listened to me just once, and maybe I wouldn't have lost him.

I sat there, looking beyond the horizon that I had been blessed with by the sea itself. It was truly beautiful. It always was. But it still took from me, and I wanted back what it had taken.

My hands rested on my lap, where the letter lay. It was written just before he went to the sea, a confession about his heart and his stubborn mind.

A mind that got him killed.

I heard a splash of water, but I didn't notice it. Or rather, my mind wasn't there. Then a wave hit me in the face, taking with it the tears that had slowly come down my face, tears I hadn't even realized were there.

It brought me back to the present as I looked, really looked, only to see the silhouette of a person.

I stood up and ran toward the figure, dropping beside it to see who it was.

I immediately let out a gasp as I took in what was before me.

A child.

A young child, no more than ten years old, suddenly appearing before me, soaking wet.

I put my hand under her nose and sighed in relief.

She was still breathing.

I hugged her tightly to my body as I looked toward the sea.

My eyes glittered with tears.

Oh, what have you given me?

It was not him...

But I will still love her nonetheless.

I know it's wrong.

I know it's not right.

I know I am wrong.

But it feels okay.

I know I shouldn't do it.

I know I shouldn't think it.

I know I shouldn't even say it.

But still, I want to.

It's hard not to.

Not when they don't see it.

Not when they don't care.

Not when they are unfazed.

They throw words cruelly.

They don't listen.

They don't want to listen.

They just don't care.

I know that I wouldn't.

But I'm starting to think I would.

I know I couldn't.

But I'm starting to think I could.

It's not that we are both right.

It's not that we both feel that we are wrong.

It's that one knows the truth.

One doesn't care to know.

I thought I couldn't.

I thought I couldn't be cruel.

I thought I wouldn't care.

But now... I'm starting to think

I do.

I stand…

I stand at the sandy sea looking beyond the horizon

I stand at the rich green seeing you

I stand at the top of the mountain looking down below

Creatures of the same aim but different characters live in you

Creatures of different characters make you their home

Creatures of different characters move around you

Creatures each with distinct patterns live you

So clear, so deep

Strong but gentle

Seen as the clear sky but unseen like a dark pit

Carry many but yet look like you carry none

Moving in waves, driven by powerful currents

Arena for battles, both seen and unseen

Saves but yet destroys

Protective, but yet dangerous

Oh how big you are

How massive you truly are

So beautiful almost peaceful

But yet you are a part I don’t dare cross alone

Many rise from you

Many fall in you

You give to some

To some, you take

You are a force to not reckon with

Yet you bring moments of happiness to those who love you

You are like a warrior with it’s own to protect

Yet you bring peace all together

I could never truly tell which one you are

I could never truly tell where you stand or who you are

But…. That is yours to know

You are mystery itself and fascination personified

For me… That is what I see.

You know, I did wonder.

I did wonder...

I did wonder why...

Why life was like that,

Like a narrow path filled with sharp thorns,

Thorns that were piercing and scarred.

I did wonder why things don't work out the way you want them to.

Why things are sometimes good and sometimes bad.

Why it couldn't just be good.

I wondered...

Always, every time, why a person can have two faces.

Why it is called the good and the bad side.

Why it couldn't just be the good side.

You know... They said...

They said that good and bad have to coexist in order for the world to be balanced.

But why... Why, I wondered...

Should the bad exist when it hurts people?

Because bad hurts.

So I wonder, can't the balance be broken?

What will happen if it is broken?

Will people hurt, or will they finally be free?

Will the world, if only goodness exists, be bad?

Will it shape the world for the better, or will it... destroy it?

I wonder.

What do you do when you want to tell it all? What do you do when you want to let it all out? You want to shout, cry, scream out loud, but at the same time... you want to lie down, cuddle into yourself, and let it all rest.

Yeah, I know. It's a lot to think about, a lot that life brings to you, a lot that is going on in your life, in your head, and in your heart. It's just... there.

You want to breathe, but yet you can't find a way to breathe. Even in your dreams, while you sleep, you feel hunted, walking, running, but still so slow. It's like you don't know what you want to do anymore. Everything is confusing, and it comes without any explanation or guide, just a big, overwhelming presence you always feel.

Sometimes you can forget it for a moment, and sometimes you can ignore it, but it is always there.

You can't run from it because it kind of comes with you. Well... you could say it's a means to your destination for some people. It is a way you are thrown into different circumstances in life that feel overwhelming, and you have to find a way to negotiate through them in order to find a way out... and escape.

But when you do, it makes everything so worth it. The overwhelming presence then gives way to a much more pleasant presence that seems so comforting and yet firm because then you know what you have gone through and what you have escaped. You know the difference.

So when you feel like screaming, shouting, or crying, then let it all out and negotiate through it because then, and only then, will you find the right presence for you.

Oh wonder yah

How shiny you are

Relaxed there up

In the dark blue sea

You follow everywhere

You comfort even without knowing

You stay when you don't need to

You bring peace when it matters

Do you know

Do you know I look for you

Do you know how I search for you

Do you know what joy you bring me

When ever I see you

Oh you

You have no idea

No idea how I seek you out

And you ain't even there for me

I call mine because you seem so

Because you shine so bright for me

Because it feels like you glow for me

Because you just shimmer

You walked into my life one day

And than you stayed

Up there you stayed like a king

Or maybe you are a queen

You either came big but glowed

Or you either came small and shined Different shades of colours

Representing each with a defined

Majestic awe

Oh how wonder yah

Oh how much you glow

Oh how much so beautiful you are

To assume about a situation or person, is it a good thing or a bad thing, helpful or harmful? Oftentimes, we assume a particular thing about a person or a situation without fully knowing anything about the situation or person, which can lead to either a bad or good outcome.

On a positive side, although assuming helps in the assessment of a situation or person when information is incomplete, it can, however, also be dangerous if it turns out to be incorrect or false. It helps a person figure out what they are not particularly or fully aware of. While it is good sometimes, especially when you need a plan for the next stage of what you want to do or what you need, it can also be a problem if what you assume ends up being wrong.

Therefore, it is very important for one to get the facts about a situation or person before making any decision, especially if it is an important decision to be made.

God created two lights in the world at the beginning: the greater light called the sun and the lesser light called the moon, which was accompanied by the stars, dividing light and darkness into day and night. Because of this, darkness no longer ruled over the world as it did before creation.

This Scripture from Genesis 1, to my own understanding, is telling us that God brought order by separating light from darkness and giving each its place.

Jesus even referred to us in the Bible as the light of the world. Therefore, we are light, and we signify light.

In those moments when we feel that we are in our darkest hour, in those times when we feel pained, heavy, and alone, we should always remember that we are light, so no darkness can compete with us. Just as light was given to the world for us to see and not feel alone during the day or night, we can abolish anything that gives way to darkness in our lives.

The creation of light was a significant act of God's plan for us, mankind, who were made in His image and likeness, to understand that He is always with us in every situation and that we can overcome any dark hour or moment in our lives.

Therefore, be strong, firm, and steady, and most importantly, remember that you are light. As Jesus our Lord referred to us:

"You are the light of the world."

Can I redo it?

Can I undo it?

My heart clenches at the thought

That it may last forever,

Never unseen again,

Never unheard again.

How do I fix it?

Where did it begin?

Will it ever end?

I ache at the thought of it.

It roars through everything like a lion,

Demanding to be heard.

Like the eye of an eagle,

It sees all and is seen by all,

Everywhere, every time.

Like a stain upon a wall

That no hand can seem to clean.

Where do I start?

Who will help me?

Who will I ask?

It's sad, so sad.

Undo it.

Redo it.

Remove it.

But how can I?

It is everywhere,

My mistake, my hurt.

Oh, where do I really start?

Who am I

I am a lion or a snake

A beast or a beauty

What line do I fall

What place do I belong

Who am I

What truly defines me

What truly speaks of me

What truly makes me, me

Who am I?

Am I lost or still lost?

Will I ever be found?

Where am I

Why am I like this

Feel like this

Think like this

Talk like this

Will I have to wander the seas of unseens

Will I have to ask before I know

Will I have to knock at every door

Will I have to scream till my voice grows heavy

Must I wander

Must I ask before I know

Must I knock at every door

Must I shout it out

Can any one feel it

This suffocation

This dark thought hovering around me like vultures waiting to devour me

It burns so much that I can't breathe

I want to breathe

I want to let go

I want to escape

I want to live

But I don't know....

I don't know where to start

Or what to say

Or what to do

What belongs to me

What speaks for me

Someone anyone please

Tell me

Who truly I am

What truly is

My mission here?

What truly is my purpose?

Will I ever be answered?

Truly I ask,

Who am I?

If you’ve found your way here, perhaps you are also someone who thinks too deeply, feels too quietly, or carries questions that do not have easy answers.

This is Seraphina’s Musings—a small space for wandering thoughts, unspoken emotions, and the kind of silence that still speaks.

Here, I write poems about identity, longing, becoming, and the strange beauty of not always knowing who we are yet.

Some words will feel like mirrors.

Some will feel like echoes.

Some may feel like they were written for a version of you you have not met in a while.

There is no rush here.

No demand to understand everything at once.

Only a place to pause, to feel, and to exist a little more softly.

I am Seraphina.

And these are my musings.

Welcome.