august has definitely come with a lot of hardships this year. to be completely honest, it’s been one of my worst months so far. from the end of july, all the way through august, i have been consumed by a lot of grief & not knowing which direction i want my life to take me. i had debated starting this series in september because it was a fresh start, a chance to reset. but when looking closely between the cracks of all the pain i’ve endured, i have surprisingly managed to find a handful of little things, along with some bigger, that stopped me from only living in survival mode. these have elevated my august in all the ways that i needed them to, but i can’t help be ready to welcome september in with wider arms & a lot more love. before i get ahead of myself though, let’s say goodbye to august with the little love it was able to provide.

what i’ve been reading: over the past two months i’ve been in the worst reading slump of my entire life, i honestly started to believe reading might have been a phase & this was the end. of course, looking back on it, this was due more to the decline in my mental health & not having the capacity to consume as much as i normally would, however with the luck of two weeks off of work at the very beginning, i was able to squash that slump, hopefully for good. much to my own surprise, i ended up reading 15 books in total for the month of august & whilst i loved all of them in some shape or form, three of them really blew me away.

trigger happy by meredith trapp (released october 22nd): i was very lucky to have received an arc (advanced reader copy) of this book & wow wow wow, this one was off the charts. Forget a 5 star read, we’re talking 6 stars here! trigger happy follows sabrina & lawton who hate each other for reasons that are valid, but not for me to reveal, as it is part of one huge plot twist! they are also rival contract killers who are hired for the same job & must pretend to be married to survive. think cosy small town romance, with a side of murder!

chasing hope by mads rafferty (out now): this is the third instalment in the icehawks series, so i would most definitely recommend starting from book one if this does appeal to you, because it is a stunning series that you may need to pair with a pack of tissues. chasing hope follows evie & matteo (brothers best friend) who are lifelong friends and have held feelings for one another the entire time. matteo is there to pick evie up through a recent tragedy that has shattered her life, however he doesn’t realise she is also carrying the weight of a devastating secret that will shatter his own. mads is an auto-buy author for me. she can write absolutely anything & i will be there reading it on release day. chasing hope was no different, in fact, this is mads’ best book that she has ever written, no doubt about it. it’s beautiful and gut-wrenching all in the same breath. it had me sobbing in the early hours of the morning & i can’t stop thinking about it. another to break the rating scales from 5 stars to 6 stars!

cross check by chelsea curto (out now): this is the sixth instalment in the d.c. stars series & again, would highly recommend starting from the beginning to fully obsess over these characters. cross check follows amelia & grant over the span of ten years, as their friendship blossoms into so much more, however due to their highly esteemed careers, they are forbidden from being with one another in the public eye, now having to navigate their relationship as a secret. this was 800+ pages of pure dreaminess! now being so attached to this series & the characters within, it was an absolute pleasure to watch one of our beloved hockey players fall in love with an absolute powerhouse of a woman over a 10 year period. plus, he’s a walking green flag & we love nothing less!

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what i’ve been watching: although i’ve consumed quite a lot of tv this month, not a lot of it has stood out to me except for two. i decided to start my journey within the marvel defenders saga & whilst i am still on said journey, i have come away with two favourite new tv shows that have been my biggest hyper fixations of the month. and two new favourite movies!

daredevil: yeah, this is my new favourite child. i’m currently on season 3 of the original series that was released in 2017 & it is an absolute masterpiece.

punisher: my hyper fixation with frank castle has been extremely unhealthy & i’m not sorry about that. i love the concept of this show & the pain that it carries within. my watching this for the first time & watching spider-man: brand new day did cross over, as i started my defenders watch late, however i watched enough to truly enjoy and appreciate frank in the movie to it’s full extent. which then leads me to…

spider-man brand new day: … my favourite movie of the month! truly outstanding, i love a street-level movie & this was exactly that with so many homages to the comics. possibly the most depressing & devastating movie of peter parker’s yet (for tom holland, if we’re counting them all then it’s obviously tasm2), however the duo between peter & frank allowed a great balance of comedy too & the “villain” tied everything up in a perfect bow!

the back-up plan: this is an early(ish) 2000s romcom that i had been putting off for so long because it stars my biggest celebrity crush, alex o’loughlin & up until watching this movie, i had only watched him in hawaii 5-0 which is more action driven than romance driven, therefore i knew sitting to watch him in a full romcom was absolutely going to kill me off. and did it? yes. a new comfort movie has been unlocked!

the little things:

♡ morning wordsearches

♡ adding tealights to my tv stand

♡ adding candles to my coffee table

♡ rewatching comfort shows

♡ drinking only from a wine glass (hot drinks excluded)

with love, shelby ♡

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i don’t think i need to reiterate my love for new york on this post, as you lovely people showed me so much of your own in my love letter ‘new york, the love of my life’, so consider this a little love note to accompany. if there is ever a tv show set in new york, it comes with an absolute guarantee that i will fall in love with it & i would love to share my most beloved ones with you today.

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the bold type

jane, kat and sutton are three friends who work for a prestigious women's magazine. they encounter different challenges in their careers alongside their romantic pursuits.

this show is for the girlies who have ever and still are, dreaming of working for a women’s magazine in the big city. if there is any tv show that i wish could be my life, this is the one. an unbreakable friendship, an unbelievably dreamy and healthy boss, a perfect balance of glamour and chaos, admirable work opportunities, extremely hot men and a forbidden romance. what more could a girl possibly want?

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younger

liza, a 40-year-old single mother, pretends to be younger than she is, in order to find a job in her desired field of work and excel in her career.

i fear this show may still be a tad underrated, as i never see anybody talk about it and i honestly couldn’t imagine a more perfect show (alongside the bold type) for us substack girls! our female lead, liza, reboots her career working for a book publishing company and i don’t know about yourself but as an avid reader, i couldn’t think of a more perfect dream job. i always live vicariously through this show and these characters. we also have a very contradictory love triangle, although not so contradictory for me since i've been very loyal to my man since the very first time I hit play on this show and have never switched sides!

what makes this show even more perfect is that even though the publishing company our characters are working for is fictional, two of those characters wrote books within the series, that were then actually published for real under their fictional names! although i am still yet to read them, both of these books sit proudly on my bookshelf!

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2 broke girls

max and caroline, two girls in their mid-twenties, work at a brooklyn restaurant as waitresses. together, they dream of starting up their cupcake business, but always find themselves without money.

would this show see the light of day if it was released in 2026? absolutely not. but it sits strongly in my top 5 favourite sitcoms and i couldn’t be without it. there is something so raw and real with this show that i find it probably one of the most relatable. max and caroline are incredibly imperfect, luck is definitely not their best friend and oddly enough, they continue to make me romanticise a life in new york, even it is pretty much in poverty, because they still have the city in the palm of their hands, and it leads them to some incredible opportunities.

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gossip girl

narrated by a mysterious vicious blogger, this show follows a set of wealthy teenagers through their day-to-day scandalous lives as manhattans elite, and how they betray each other for each other's gain.

gossip girl has been my one true love for as long as i can remember. it’s the one show that had me fall well & truly in love with new york. every scene captures the city so beautifully that i couldn’t wait for my own trip to new york to create my very own gossip girl tour and discover all of the places i now solely correlate to that show. it’s a show i could never get bored of watching, i have watched an unhealthy amount of times & will always find my way back to it.

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friends

follow the lives of six reckless adults living in manhattan, as they indulge in adventures which make their lives both troublesome and happening.

the ultimate comfort watch. friends is so much more than new york city, it’s the show i turn to through all my worst moments. it’s a blanket i can snuggle up into and feel that everything will once again be okay. the show you can put on in the background and recite every single word as you go along completing other tasks. it feels like coming home to the people who truly have the ability to take care of you.

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baby daddy

trouble comes knocking for young ben, when one of his ex-girlfriends leaves a baby girl on his doorstep. helpless, he decides to raise the baby with the help of his mother, brother, and his crazy friends.

it frustrates me how underrated this show is. if you’re a sitcom lover, please please please, go and add this one to your watchlist and thank me later. baby daddy is not an official remake, however follows a very similar premise to three men and a baby. it’s so sweet and hilarious watching three grown men have to raise a tiny little girl who eventually has them all incredibly wrapped around her finger. if you thought the summer I turned pretty love triangle was bad, wait until you meet ben, danny & riley! also, if you’re a girlie who loves off campus and heated rivalry; may i introduce you to your next beloved hockey player who’s full time job is to yearn… danny wheeler!

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daredevil

matt murdock manages to overcome the challenges that he faces due to him being blind since childhood and fights criminals as a lawyer and daredevil.

daredevil is a very new addition to this list & i am confident in adding it. whilst the shows above depict new york in a much more light-hearted manner, daredevil allows me to see the nitty gritty night-life. when all of the criminals come out at night, matt murdock stands on the tallest buildings overlooking the city & it makes for some stunning shots. the show itself, i have fell in love with extremely fast, to the point i very much do not stop thinking about it. there is nothing better than watching street-level vigilantes.

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the punisher

after exacting revenge on the people responsible for the deaths of his wife and children, frank castle uncovers a conspiracy that runs deeper than new york's criminal underworld.

enter my next favourite street-level vigilante. has anybody else fallen very deeply into the frank castle side of tiktok? nope? just me? frank may just be my favourite vigilante ever. his story is heartbreakingly devastating & honestly, i find it more difficult to not defend him because call me crazy, i agree with a lot that man does. due to frank spending most of his life hiding in the shadows, we don’t get to see the beauty of new york to it’s full extent, however that being said, like daredevil, i enjoy watching it from an entirely different perspective that focuses on the unpolished, run-down parts.

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sex and the city

carrie, miranda, samantha and charlotte are four smart and dynamic new york-based women, who despite their differences and ever-changing sex lives stick together through the ups and downs.

i couldn’t possibly finish this article without talking about the substack classic that inspires us all. there’s nothing quite like romanticising the new york life when it comes to these four women; they are who we all admire to be at one point in our lives. they are messy and chaotic, never try to be perfect, and we adore them all the same. this show definitely hits harder the older you get & the best part is they’re all in their 30s in season 1! they make me so excited for all the possibilities to come when i finally enter a new decade. they’ve taught me that i don’t need to have it all figured out in my 20s because my 30s are going to be even better.

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what are some of your favourite shows set in new york?

with love, shelby ♡

Despite many jumping on the Supergirl hate-train, I happen to be one of the minority who in fact, really enjoyed this movie, yet can still identify and hold accountable the flaws that come with it (Jason Momoa as Lobo being one). It was always clear that Millie Alcock’s Supergirl was going to have to live up to exceedingly high standards; following in the footsteps of Helen Slater, Melissa Benoist and the success of David Corenswet’s Superman, on top of being compared to the Woman Of Tomorrow comic that this movie is lightly based on. The pressure for Millie to succeed has been heavily weighing on her from the second she was introduced as our next Kara. I can confidently confirm that Millie does an outstanding job of portraying Kara and carries this movie effortlessly with her very own spin on the beloved character. I was absolutely mesmerised by her and have always been, so that was no surprise.

Is this movie perfect? Of course not, and it would be unfair to place that expectation on it. However, are people being too harsh and too critical? Absolutely. Supergirl follows the exact same recipe as every single other superhero movie out there, so why are we only now, ironically during the release of a female led movie, pointing out the messy plots and the weak villains? Whilst misogyny has been the main factor of this movies downfall, I won’t dismiss that some people have just disliked it for no other reason, other than it not being for them. Which leads me to my main topic of this essay; yes indeed, this movie was not made for everyone. In fact, in my personal opinion, I believe Supergirl is for the eldest daughters.

Supergirl was always going to offer a darker side to Superman, due to Kara having witnessed trauma that would lead any teenage girl to slip into deep depression and use alcohol as a coping mechanism. She was never going to be optimistic and hopeful like her cousin, as she said herself, Clark sees the good in people, she sees the truth.

I can only imagine how hard it was for some of the men in the audience to have to hold back their strong urges to say she needs to smile more…

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Now, why do I believe Supergirl is for the eldest daughters? Let’s dive in a little deeper. Not only are we following Kara’s journey, but we are also following Ruthye Marye Knoll; a young girl whose family is murdered in front of her by our main villain, Krem. Ruthye seeks Kara’s support in tracking down Krem and killing him for the pain and grief he has brought upon her, only to discover Krem is also behind a large human trafficking ring, in which young girls are taken from their families and homes to be brides.

The main reason why I’m not too concerned about Krem being a weak villain in himself, is because his motives were horrific enough and I’m disappointed at how overlooked this has been. The disgust towards young girls being taken for brides and how close to home this is in the real world has quite frankly, been overshadowed by viewers creating discourse around less important problems. Could I tell you who the villain was in any Iron Man movie? Any GOTG movie? Any Captain America movie? Honestly, no, but that does not take away how much I love those movies. Being an eldest daughter myself, in that very moment, I couldn’t have cared less about Krem in general. I was filled with rage and the sudden urgency to protect these young girls from having to be in any sort of close proximity to these men/aliens taking them for themselves. Fictional or reality, this sickening situation is happening and any eldest daughter will know, our first instinct for absolutely anything, is to protect.

Kara’s initial instinct towards Ruthye was also only to protect her. Ruthye is a 13-year-old girl who had to witness the brutality of her own family’s deaths and her only motivation in life from then onwards was to take the life of Krem. Kara witnessed death as a teenage girl herself and much more whilst living on Krypton, meaning she has always carried a darkness within her that she wouldn’t wish upon anybody else. She has dealt with and seen enough trauma that she refuses to let Ruthye feel anything close to the same, because if you can prevent somebody becoming a shell of themselves, having their souls darkened, wouldn’t you?

We see that portrayed beautifully during the final fight scene, in which Kara uses her strengths and powers to take down every villain in sight so Ruthye doesn’t have to wield her own weapon she carries, whilst Ruthye watches it all play out, feeling the hope and faith of a better world with Supergirl beside her.

Unfortunately, the audiences inability to observe deeper and peel back the top layers to reach it’s true emotional core, means this movie will always remain a box office flop and that breaks my heart.

But at least the eldest daughters get to treasure it for themselves.

Supergirl is for the eldest daughters who have experienced trauma at the hands of men.

Supergirl is for the eldest daughters who protect everyone but themselves.

Supergirl is for the eldest daughters who have neglected themselves in order to take care of everybody else.

Supergirl is for the eldest daughters who have to brush off their problems to not be a burden to others.

Supergirl is for the eldest daughters who have to pretend they’re all good when they’re actually falling apart inside.

Supergirl is for the eldest daughters who would rather deal with the pain and anger alone so their younger siblings don’t have to.

Supergirl is for them.

So respectfully… step aside.

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Supergirl is a great standalone movie filled with humour, emotional and devastating depth, incredible fight scenes and an empowering female lead. Millie’s incredible performance allows us to excitedly anticipate her upcoming appearance in Man of Tomorrow. But first, go give her movie some love.

With love, Shelby ♡

when i saw that everyone was coming away from watching the sheep detectives in tears, i honestly couldn’t fathom what could possibly happen within the story to create such emotion. i knew that if everyone else had cried, that i would too, being someone who cries at absolutely everything, but i never could’ve prepared myself for how much crying was to come, and the imprint it would leave on my heart surrounding the grief we carry for those we’ve lost and the beauty within that.

whilst we’re predominantly following the murder mystery behind george hardy, a man who loved and cared for his sheep deeply and spent every night reading detective novels to them; the sheep come face to face with devastating realisations surrounding grief that also had me thinking about the way we perceive grief individually and collectively as a society.

during one particularly heart-breaking moment, we discover that the sheep have the ability to erase their memories by counting to three.

one, two, three, poof.

anything they’ve chosen to forget, gone.

that idea stayed with me. i’ve lost three significant people in my life, and the pain at times has been unbearable, but if i had the opportunity to count to three and erase them and the pain, would i? never.

we all process and handle our emotions differently, but there’s a difference in the way we handle our emotions, and choosing to forget those we’ve lost entirely.

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and with the sheep, we soon come to realise, even when they don’t, that they’ve faced death many times before without ever grieving it because they one, two, three’d it out of existence. it sure does sound tempting at times, i can’t deny that.

then i think of our one very special sheep, mopple, who doesn’t have the ability to forget. he carries the good and the bad whether he likes it or not. he becomes the emotional anchor our sweet, precious sheep need for them to be able to strongly hold george in their hearts.

when our loved ones pass, between all of the grief, their life should remain a celebration. the stories we hold of them should be carried around with us and passed on to generations who were never lucky enough to know them for themselves. just because they are no longer visibly here on this floating rock we call life, does not mean that we can not keep them alive within our hearts and with every story we tell.

to forget them, is to forget how at one point in our lives, they brought so much importance and meaning to the people we are today, and isn’t it such a beautiful thing to know that those we can no longer see, speak to or hug anymore, are still very much a piece of who we are?

there is so much of me that comes from my nana, and to forget her would also mean erasing parts of myself.

forgetting my nana would mean forgetting she’s the reason i love binge-watching cheesy christmas hallmark movies.

forgetting my nana would mean forgetting she’s the reason i love wearing fluffy socks.

forgetting my nana would mean forgetting she’s the reason strawberry tarts are my favourite dessert.

those are parts of me that i love too much to let go of and what continue to keep me connected to her.

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the sheep detectives is a beautiful family movie allowing viewers the opportunity to laugh lightly and grieve deeply.

with love, shelby ♡

i’ve never been a summer girlie.

in previous years i would have rather closed the blinds and lived my vampiric life, embraced my pale skin, suffered from the heat and wished the time away so autumn would come quicker.

this year, i am saying no more. the blinds will be open and sunlight will be pouring through. i have bought myself some garden furniture so i can finally utilise the rather large garden i have that has always been abandoned and with that, i now need some fun and cosy hobbies that will keep me entertained whilst i soak up the sun and finally put the damn phone down.

realistically, throughout the entirety of summer i will be imprisoned in my little office with no windows at work completing mindless tasks, however my evenings and weekends are all mine and that’s exactly when i plan to dive into all of these new hobbies and still create a memorable summer to prevent the adult responsibilities consuming all of my time.

i have curated some extremely cute and cosy hobbies, that i am now desperate to start. some are low energy and some require just a little more brain power, but that just means i’m most certainly going to be kept on my toes.

crocheting

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crocheting intimidates me so much. it’s a hobby that i worry will require a little too much brain power for my little brain to handle as i don’t have an artistic bone in my body, however there’s a part of me that wants to see if i can unleash that artistic side of me that right now, i don’t believe i have. i love seeing all the cute projects that can be made through crocheting and whether it’s a successful or failed hobby, i’m going to give it a go. don’t get me wrong, you probably won’t catch me crocheting a blanket or an item of clothing any time soon. i think it’s safe to say i’ll be making very small baby steps and by the looks of it, that means starting with “granny squares”. they still look extremely intimidating to me but hey, if all goes well, i could possibly crochet myself some new coasters this summer!

murdle

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murdle is a murder mystery book filled with logical puzzles that are needing to be solved to catch the culprits. this one, i’m really excited about and i feel like it’ll fit perfectly in with the summerween theme. i’m ready to put my brain to use as i love a good murder mystery and what a fun and unique way of getting involved in one. if you haven’t ever done anything like this before, such as myself, it’s definitely another hobby that can look quite intimidating, however i believe there are different degrees of difficulty throughout, starting with elementary and as you become more confident, the difficulty goes up the further you go. if this sounds like something you would like to try but you don’t know whether you will enjoy it or are ready to commit to an entire book, there is also a website for murdle where a daily mystery puzzle is posted for you to solve. i definitely think i’m going to try that first to make sure it’s something i really want to lock into!

small town murder mystery word search

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this hobby is one i’ve recently discovered and i am already absolutely obsessed with the concept. these are stories and puzzle books all in one. with every page you will be reading about a murder mystery in a small-town and word searches are going to help you solve them. this just sounds like a super fun way to keep your brain juices flowing and your mind sharp. i absolutely adore reading and watching murder mysteries so this is just so up my street, i can’t wait to give them a go. so far, i can find two different series’ to try out and those are: a sweet southern word search mystery and a cranberry creek word search mystery. also, another great one for summerween!

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colouring

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this is probably the most low energy hobby i have on my wishlist this summer and one i’ve wanted to get into for a long time now. i love the idea of colouring whilst listening to an audiobook and now i have my garden furniture to get cosied up on, i think this summer is the perfect time to switch-off and just colour! i’ve already chosen the colouring books i want to buy, so i will link them below and now it’s time to just invest in some really good colouring pens!

home sweet home

girl moments

strawberries & summer

baking

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you guys are holding me accountable with this one because by the end of summer, i WILL be a baker! i hate hate hate cooking, it’s stressful, it’s effort, it’s not relaxing in the slightest, for me personally. however, on the rare occasion that i bake, i adore it and feel so relaxed. i think it’s more to do with the fact that i have a very strong sweet tooth than anything else, but i am determined to upgrade from banana bread (think i’ve got that one mastered) to absolutely anything else. my favourite show to watch during spring and summer is with love, meghan which is meghan markle’s lifestyle series on netflix, where she shares her personal tips and tricks highlighting how to create beauty within our food and other aspects of our lives. my personal favourite tip of hers are the flower sprinkles. it’s such a whimsical little addition and i will absolutely be putting flower sprinkles on everything!

gaming

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technically, i’m already a gamer girl. an extremely inconsistent one at that. this summer i intend to explore all of the games that have recently peaked my interest and i can’t think of a better companion to spend time in the garden with than my switch. i plan on reconnecting with games i haven’t picked up in a while, especially my three on rotation; animal crossing, dreamlight valley and wylde flowers. but i’ll also be picking up some new and exciting games that i have recently discovered, including a few that fit the summerween vibes perfectly. it’s going to be a summer of whimsical and spooky games.

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and that’s everything on my summer wishlist! i call it a wishlist because calling it a to-do list may start to feel like a tick box exercise, where i have to complete and check these off otherwise i’ve failed and that’s pressure that we do not need to carry this summer. creating a wishlist means that these are all the hobbies i wish to start and for those that i do, i’m excited to see the results. for those i don’t, i’m excited to return to them in the future.

with love, shelby ♡

when i decided to press play on the other bennet sister on a random monday in april and binge it all within 24 hours; i was not prepared for how viscerally protective i was going to feel over mary bennet.

yes, it was because i had grown fond of her as a character. yes, it was because i’m a huge empath who couldn’t bear to see how her own family was treating her. most of all, it was because i could see a version of myself in her that i also felt called to protect.

mary bennet is clumsy, awkward and deeply introverted. she struggles to engage in conversations and would rather have her head in a book than attend a societal gathering. she’s quirky, unapologetically herself and refuses to contort herself to the standards and expectations of others, which were beyond limited in the regency era.

that is me now, yet it never used to be.

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having a significant other has always been pushed on to me, to the point where, like mary, i believed i could never truly be worthy as a woman, unless i was on the arm of a man.

perhaps that belief was created by the fact i have been previously told, “you was once an ugly duckling and now you’re a beautiful swan.”

i’m sure i should’ve appreciated the beautiful comment more, however being told you was once perceived to be ugly is not something you typically bounce back from or ignore.

in fact, i’ve never truly been able to accept a compliment since.

if anyone is to ever call me beautiful, i instinctively shut the compliment down, or just refuse to believe they really meant it.

it has taken me a long time to look in the mirror and see someone i don't hate or desperately want to change. these days, i love my freckles, my glasses, and the parts of myself i once thought i needed to hide.

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one line in particular from the show has permanently stuck with me “marriage or misery”.

it’s a phrase that i immediately scrunched my face up at when i heard it spoken, yet it reflects a belief many women, including myself, have been taught in one form or another. that a woman’s happiness will always be incomplete without romantic validation.

in fact, a family member once told me they had put money aside for my future wedding, that was not even close to happening, at the exact time i had just reached one of my biggest achievements of buying my own house.

the pressures and expectations of being in a romantic relationship have honestly killed any desire i have to date at all, because i will not stand for my personal success and achievements being squashed or glossed over since it doesn’t involve a fucking man.

it’s safe to say i declined their money for my non-existent wedding and went out the same evening to drown my anger in alcohol.

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but still, on a tuesday evening, when i watched mary being pulled across a lake in a tiny boat by two very handsome and very wet men; through the beaming smile on my face, the only words that fell out of my mouth were, “as she fucking deserves”.

these two men saw and accepted mary for all she was. they accepted her awkwardness, her intelligence, her eccentricities, even her little glasses, and yearned for her love regardless, proving her family and everybody else who dared to underestimate her, completely wrong.

and i think that's all any of us want in life, right? whether that be romantically or platonically, we all want to be loved for our awkwardness, persistent yapping of nerdy interests, and all of the other many things that make us who we are.

for now, i’ll continue to live my best mary bennet life of exploring what the world has to offer as an independent woman, continue to find joy in my own company, uplevel the house i bought all by myself, invest in new hobbies, read all the books, spend time and create memories with loved ones, and most importantly, learn to love the woman i am.

because marrying a man was never mary bennet’s end goal.

tom hayward was just the cherry on top.

oh, new york, the love of my life.

i’ve been in love with new york since maybe around eight-years-old; that’s as far back as i can remember my love for the city goes at least. as a girl who lives in a town, where not everything is right in front of you the second you walk out of your front door, most places are certainly not walking distance and the only sources of entertainment are restaurants and bars where you’re most likely going to cross paths with somebody you unfortunately know; i’ve never truly felt like i belong.

all i have to do is see a photo of new york or watch a tv show/movie based there and for some reason, i just feel like that’s where i belong. that’s where i want to call home. my favourite shows and movies are the ones set in new york; gossip girl, sex & the city, the bold type, friends, breakfast at tiffanys, new york minute… it’s far too beautiful of a city to not romanticise.

the first and only time i have visited was 2019 & it was a dream come true. i could’ve booked a one way ticket and never returned to my hometown. i truly believed that my time there was going to be overwhelming; the hustle and bustle, everybody with some place to be, the tight crowds, the constant noise, the “run or get run over” pace of crossing the roads, making sure i could navigate the city with google maps to see everything i wanted to see in a short space of time. i panicked that the real thing wasn’t going to live up to the fantasy i had created in my mind.

and then all of my worries and concerns became the parts i loved the most.

growing up in a town where nothings rushed and people go at their own pace; i fully respect the slow living, it’s something i’ve been working on myself in the moments that count, but as somebody who prefers to get from one place to the next in a manner that doesn’t make you want to kick the back of someones legs for walking at a snails pace when you can’t get around them (promise i’m not violent, just an inpatient girly), I couldn’t have been more in my element in the city.

the hustle and bustle ended up becoming the perfect pace for me, i was swerving cars and taxis on the roads like i’d been living there my whole life. i’m not the greatest map reader, yet i was walking the streets like it was nobody’s business, finding exactly where i needed to be. my body just naturally adjusted to the environment and it’s the only time i’ve thrived at such a high vibration. as carrie bradshaw once said, “i felt like i owned the city - nothing and no one could get in my way.”

it’s been seven years now since i visited and i still crave it every single day. i have never settled on my return home because i know the part of me i’m reaching for, stayed behind in new york. my family keeps me in this small town. i couldn’t imagine living in a completely different country to them because the other part of me is rooted here to them. that being said, i’ve always kept a delusional mind and stated that if i was to ever come into money that allowed me the opportunity to live there comfortably, i would be there in a heartbeat. maybe not forever, but i hate the thought of living my one life never getting to experience living in the city that has captivated my heart and soul this much.

i spend a vast amount of time romanticising and dreaming about the life i would live if i was lucky enough to make it happen. i currently own an entire house all by myself which is one of my greatest achievements and yet, i don’t always look at it that way because i’m too busy dreaming of having an apartment. i want an apartment where i can step outside from the lobby and new york is there to greet me good morning. i want to find a coffee shop that becomes my favourite spot to write in and people-watch. i want to claim a signature drink that the baristas know the second they see my face. i want to wake up one morning and decide i’ll book a show on broadway for that very same night and walk there whilst soaking the city nightlife up. slow walks around central park. discovering all of the hidden gems you wouldn’t as a tourist. spend hours and hours in the library writing articles, or better yet, a novel. spending my free time wandering through every bookstore in sight. i want to live my carrie bradshaw life and document my life experiences through my blog, which i suppose i am still doing right now - just with rows of identical houses as my view and not the big apple. or better yet, work as a columnist like andie anderson and my favourite girls in the bold type. i wouldn’t be so afraid of taking myself for solo dates because everybody would be doing the same - although if we’re really diving into the delusional fantasies of living in new york, i’d most definitely have two or three girls of my own to spend every evening with at cocktail bars, or restaurants or in our apartments, eating pizza and drinking wine, talking about everything and nothing. heck, even my entire style would change; hello messy wavy hair, little heels, and dresses.

I think now being a member of the substack community has reignited my love for new york even more because so many people i see online live there and oh to be a substack girl writing from the city… one can dream. don’t get me wrong, yes i am very much over my hometown, however, i still romanticise the moments and experiences here that matter with the people i love.

i just… can't help that my heart belongs to new york.

it’s been just over a week since off campus premiered on amazon prime and yes, i am still very much in an off campus hangover. raise your hand if you are too! it’s pretty rare that we get soft, light-hearted teen/college romances these days, so if you’re like me who absolutely thrives off of them, we have to hold on to every single one we get.

i have a small selection of tv shows that i personally believe will give you the same high that off campus has brought to us all, if you are still needing to feel that but also don’t want to tire out off campus by rewatching a million times over.

(pst, all of my suggested shows still include very attractive men to swoon over)

heated rivalry

i feel this is the most obvious of all of the recommendations i’m going to offer throughout this post, however it is also the most perfect show to turn to if you’re still craving the high of a hockey romance. it has everything you could possibly need; rivals to lovers, off the charts chemistry and yearning, and an emotional depth that will have you giggling, kicking your feet one moment and trying to hold back tears the next. it will exude the exact amount of joy and pleasure that the off campus series has brought and will continue the dopamine boost that is currently consuming us all.

one tree hill

off campus is being highly compared to the early 2000s teen drama and i can wholeheartedly agree that the similarities are absolutely there, meaning that high you’re still trying to chase will most definitely be found within this one. the comparisons mainly come from one of the main couples; hayley and nathan, as nathan is the schools most popular basketball player and hayley is the sweet book girl who tutors him… sound familiar? alongside that, the show in it’s entirety is surrounded by wonderful characters to follow and arcs filled with drama, betrayal, angst, all that delicious tension we need in-between the sweet and fun moments.

bel-air

i wish more people spoke about this one, because it is one of my favourite shows that i could shout about all day long. bel-air is a reboot of the sitcom the fresh prince of bel-air, however has very different ingredients within it. where the original is solely light and comedic, the reboot has a darker twist to it, where our characters are dealing with the pressures of high school and living up to their parents high standards and expectations in a much deeper depth that touches on sensitive topics just like the off campus series, whilst also staying true to the original. amongst the sensitive topics, the show still keeps the same amount of light in the air where there are many silly and goofy moments, house parties, romance; all the good stuff, and keeping with the sports theme, bel-air is heavily focused on basketball.

finding her edge

this one is probably the fluffiest amongst all my recommendations, however i had such a fun time and binged it within 24-hours. in this one we’re following three sisters fighting the pressures of their family’s figure skating legacy, and we also have two tropes that you may love or hate; fake dating and love triangle. it’s the perfect switch-off-your-brain and just enjoy kind of tv show, filled with plenty of drama, gossip and betrayal that keeps you on your toes.

teen wolf

this one is a little bit of a hear me out situation as we’re leaning into a whole different genre on top of sports romance; supernatural. i’ll be shocked if there’s still anyone left that hasn’t watched this show, but if you haven’t and enjoy the supernatural genre, this is also a great watch involving sports and romance. although sports isn’t always at the forefront of the series, in the first few seasons we do get the perfect amount of high school drama/romance and lacrosse. this show has some of the best on-screen chemistry between multiple relationships and includes one of the og yearners, stiles stilinski. despite it being supernatural, which automatically means it comes with a touch of darkness, this show is filled to the brim with goofiness and humour from our main characters that balance everything out so perfectly.

all american

this is a new one to me, as i’m only on season one, however i can already tell that it has a very similar recipe to off campus and i can’t stop watching. we’re following a football star in the making who moves from crenshaw to beverley hills at the advice of his coach to be able to pursue his dreams further and we also follow many other characters carrying heavy weights on their shoulders whilst still maintaining the high school experience of parties, life lessons and romance.

and there we have it, those are my tv recommendations that I believe will cure the off campus hangover and still give you the same dopamine boost. i would love to know if you have watched and enjoyed any of these shows, or if any have now peaked your interest and you plan on looking into x

remember the good old days when you’d wake up every morning before school and the first thing you would do was head straight for the living room, bowl of cereal or toast in hand and curl up on the sofa for half an hour or even an hour and escape within your favourite cartoons?

why did we ever stop doing that?

when did we decide we were too old to sit down and enjoy a cartoon?

this is something i’ve been thinking about a lot recently, especially with the rising increase in people trying to find small ways of adding whimsy to their lives, and bringing back my childhood cartoons seemed like the perfect first step to also creating a more whimsical life for myself.

i’ve never been the best morning person, nor have i really mastered the perfect morning routine, therefore my mornings as an adult usually consist of setting an alarm that i will most definitely snooze and allowing myself to stay in bed doom-scrolling on my phone right up until i notice i only have twenty-thirty minutes to get myself up, ready for work and out the door. basically, i’m a whirlwind of chaos when it comes to mornings and mornings are supposed to be the calmest, slowest, quietest parts of our days.

over the past month, i’ve started to become more intentional with how i productively use my time in a morning before logging into work, and reintroducing the routine of cosying up on the sofa with breakfast and a cup of tea an hour before logging into work has done wonders in giving me that little dopamine hit that boosts my energy for the rest of the day. i’ve currently been watching what’s new scooby-doo, which was one of my biggest go-to cartoons and has always held a special place in my heart and it’s so lovely watching it from the perspective of an adult; i’m fully locked into solving the mysteries, i missed so many jokes the first time round that i can now laugh at and enjoy, i relate to these characters more as an adult than i ever did as a child, and it’s allowing me to strengthen my imagination. it allows me to heal my inner child, to find light and comfort in a world that doesn’t allow that anymore.

i fully intend to have multiple cartoons on rotation, whether they are rewatches or ones i never got around to watching as a child, because my mornings have never felt better than when i’m intentionally setting the time aside to just be with my younger self and let the world spin without having to worry about the adult responsibilities awaiting me after my hour of peace and healing.

here are some of the other childhood cartoons that i plan to let my younger self revisit and visit for the first time:

• powerpuff girls

• winx club

• totally spies

• sabrina: the animated series

• rapunzel’s tangled adventure (not a childhood cartoon but i’m a rapunzel girlie through and through)

so, my advice? if it’s been a hot minute since you last revisited a childhood cartoon, why not start now? bring a little sparkle of whimsy back into your mornings and i welcome all recommendations x

if i wanted to, I would…

that’s the current mantra i keep repeating in my head when i stunt my own growth and block the path leading me to my dreams. because it’s true, if i wanted to, i would, right?

we already have the quote “if they wanted to, they would” when we think about the expectations and standards we have towards how other people should show up for us in our lives, so why should i not have the same expectations and standards of how i show up for myself?

if anybody in my life wasted my time or didn’t come through for me the way i deserved, they’d be thrown straight out because i know anybody who truly loved me would come through in all of the right ways, yet here i am, wasting my own time and not coming through for myself the way i deserve and i let myself get away with it. i suppose i should be asking myself the question i ask when i’m thinking of others; do i truly love myself if i am never showing up in all the right ways that would help me achieve everything i dream of in life? the honest answer is no. if i loved myself in the way i expect others to love me, i would be doing every single possible thing to allow me to live the one life i have. i would be telling myself that i am capable of achieving all of my dreams if i just persist and believe in myself. because that’s what i would tell a loved one.

if i had a loved one approach me with this exact same issue of not knowing how to make their dreams come true, would i be telling them to give up, that they’re not good enough, that somebody is already doing it better than they ever could, to just give up before they’ve really started so they avoid the hurt and disappointment to come? hell no. i would be telling them, if they wanted to make their dreams come true, they would and i’d be standing right by their side to make sure it became a reality.

this is exactly why i know I don’t love myself. because every little nasty bite of a remark that i would never ever tell a loved one… i tell them to myself every single day. i’m not good enough. that dream i have consuming my entire being, someone already does it better than me. give up while you’re ahead. why embarrass yourself? i stab myself with those piercing comments on a daily basis and now writing this down, what a painful realisation that is.

i am the only person i should be able to wholeheartedly, one-hundred-percent rely on to get through this life with and i don’t. every day i don’t take that next step into going for what i really want, i’m holding myself hostage to a life that i will forever be miserable to live.

so, this post is an oath to myself that from this very moment, i will be showing up for myself. i will be speaking positive affirmations only. i will be my biggest cheerleader. i will truly love myself. in truly loving myself, i will take care of those broken parts of me that believe i’m trapped living a mundane life for all eternity and focus on healing the wounds that keep pushing me one step closer to my dreams.

if i wanted to, i would… and i will.