I should be talking about my last paper which I would be writing tomorrow. Probably tell you about the giddy feeling of excitement rising in my stomach at the thought of graduation in a few days but… I can't.

I mean… is hunger excitement?

My heart is growling like crazy.

Do tell me please.

For now, this girl is quite hungry.

But not the hunger I described earlier. This is not hamburger like at all.

The hunger started here.

I feel like I have been stripped off.

Left naked for prying eyes.

Except no one looks at me.

Have you ever seen a movie where a naked mad woman is running on the streets and then people stop to stare?

Well that's normal right?

I am not mad, maybe a little sick in the head but… who isn't?

I am left open in front of your eyes… their eyes yet… you don't see me.

They don't even look at me at all.

And I look so pitiful.

There are pity parties for the semi - invisible ones right?

I want one.

I don't mind if there is no liquor.

Not a fan and I think it's disgusting to be honest.

Only don't cover me.

I think I like this hunger outfit.

It suits me like a second skin in a way dresses never would.

Ever worn a clothing made with hunger before?

Lined ribs and numb heart?

I doubt that.

I know I promised y'all a part two.

And in every episode or season there is always a new improvement aye?

But sadly, I am no movie or novel.

I am just me… hungry me.

I haven't had that hamburger yet and even my sandwich has been taken away from me.

My head won't stop staring at my heart.

It's like it is negotiating with my sanity and my longing.

“What are you staring at huh?” I hear my heart say.

“ The empty life your crazy head couldn't think of a way to fiil?”

I plead once more to you.

I am still not smiling like that hamburger girl.

So don't expect anything from me.

Just give me what you have and don't think I am greedy because I keep asking for more.

After all…

I am hungry.

Tell me, have you ever worn clothing made with hunger before?

Leave a comment.

I want to know I am not the only semi - invisible one.

Thanks for reading.

I really need help 😭😭😭…

501 people.

Wow…

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for sharing.

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I am so happy I want to screammmmm….😍😍🙈

I wrote this for you. I am afraid I don't know your name and I am only a witness to the weight you carry each day.

I hope you find something to replace the rope. Maybe a smile, a friend or just a hand to hold.

If this finds you on a train someday, I hope someone walks beside you too. No words, just counting your breath with you.

And if you are a witness like me, I hope you do the same.`

It took only a little girl and a hamburger to make me realize how hungry I was.

How long have I starved myself? Three months? A year? Six years? Maybe my whole life.

With every bite she took, the sound of my childish, pitiful cries filled my ears. The way her eyes bulged with excitement and joy at the simple pleasure of filling her tiny stomach reminded me of how much I had derived myself of the one thing that is a source of joy to all humans-food.

Was it my fault? I don't know. All I knew back then was that anyone who brought me a plate of food no matter how sumptuous or delicious it looked hated me.

And I fought them.

I fought them with my tears and persistent refusal to open my mouth and allow my worst enemy down my throat.

The tears are falling now. I am on the ground, my legs curled up under me and I am…crying.

She is patting my head with the hands that held a hamburger few minutes ago.

I hate her. I hate her for showing up and reminding me of the girl I should have been, the girl I am now and the girl I will never be.

I hate the fact that the soft full folds of her cheeks are mocking me.

“Do take your dirty food stained hands and leave me be. Allow me mourn alone”

I hate younger me I hate me for not being the normal go -lucky girl with a whoop of excitement at the sight of tasty meals. It would have been bearable if I was a fussy eater.

I am hungry now. I get hungry every single minute. I wish it was the kind of hunger that food could satisfy.

“What do you call the feeling of satisfying the needs of your stomach but not your heart?”

This need…it is relentless in it's quest for fulfillment.

I wish I was within reach of a physical food for my heart. I will gobble up everything till my mouth gets swollen and I drop dead.

Now don't get scared, I am blessed with a high metabolic rate. But then I would be satisfied. What else do I seek?

Oh if wishes were indeed horses…

I frown at my mirror and grope for external validation.

I beat myself up and glow at the slightest crumb of praises given to me. Beggars can't be choosers after all.

I ask questions and don't wait for answers but steal the answers of others and engrave it in my heart.

Yet, no matter how much I feed, I am still hungry.

When you find me, please don't seek love. I have none to give. Only fill me with what you have while I wait for the next.

That one day, I might throw the hamburger wrap carelessly on the floor beaming with satisfied smiles just like that little girl.

P.S: I wanted to use the second person pronoun “she” but changed my mind.

Only be gentle with this hungry girl.

I hope you enjoyed reading.

Subscribe to my page to get notified when I drop part two.

I am writing this at 12:16am on a Saturday morning. I should probably leave it till the early hours of the day but… I can't.

I wish I could say it was the physical part of him that was etched in my very being but sadly, that is not the case.

I have tasted the scent of his cologne on the edge of my tongue and I have smelt the precious skin that lies between his jawline and shoulders. I left the mark of my childish affection there.

I have held his long heavily veined hand hands tucked in the pockets of his pants… hands that were once chubby and unsure clinging onto mine like a lifeline.

I have smoothed his dark hair light as a feather but with scalp wet with the force of his disturbing thoughts… the thoughts I take as my cross to bear.

All these I have done in my head because I didn't get to see the muse of my childhood become a man. He grew up in my small round head with large memories.

Do you want to know why he looks like this?

You must be wondering…

“ Why is his face so empty and his skin a dry shell holding expensively made and well pressed clothes?”

Come closer and I will tell you.

It's because I drank him up.

I drank him all up leaving nothing…not even drops.

Day after day, night after night, I quenched my thirst with his eyes filled with love and unfulfilled promises, his nose that once enjoyed the aroma of mum's delicacies, his lips that always had a cutting remark for any poor soul who tried to bully me.

Yes..those same lips whispered dreams I hope has now become his reality. Even though it didn't have me in it.

You see, I was thirsty. He left me thirsty. What else was I to do but drink? Drink the only part of him I was allowed access to. You would have if you were in my shoes.

I let those structured lines of his make believe body breathe. I didn't want to suffocate him.

He doesn't speak in my head now. He only exists. His once beautifully made face now lies comfortably in my stomach.

Yes… my stomach not my heart.

I was greedy but who wouldn't be?

There is this popular saying that goes: “Look into my eyes and tell me what you see”.

And bro, did I look?

Did my lips not widen into something so helpless,

That dribbles could not contain?

Dearest,

I did not only look but feel.

Yes… you make me feel.

I wish I could pinpoint it and call it emotions,

But my iris would be lying to yours.

Your artist really did take a lot of time

Sketching your eyes.

He probably didn't even breathe through it all.

I'd have been hurt,

If such a painstaking process,

Wasn't worth the while.

Your eyes give me goosebumps,

That I would want to sit on my skin,

Forever…

No, not again.

Your head has dropped to your chest.

Why let your graceful neck hold the weight?

When your beautiful brown depth

Could bestow on us mortals,

Your splendour…

Why let the light of your eyes,

Be visible to only you the created?

Oh be generous me lady.

Do not take from our sight,

Your eyes so bright.

I long for you to say:

“Look into my eyes,

And tell me what you see”

For then I shall look,

As I have done many a days.