it was only recently that i discovered just how much hatred i carry for myself, and unfortunately, not the usual “oh you're so stupid” kind. i started seeing myself as someone i wouldn't wish for anybody to see themselves as, it's evil. yet, that cruelty has become my inner language, like a constant voice in my head criticizing me every step of the way. i absolutely loathe the way i think, look, act and my whole being. it's very strange to admit that the person i have to spend my entire life with is someone i can barely stand.

but strangely this hatred has also protected me in ways I did not expect it to, because there is very little anyone can say or do to me, that i have not already said or done to myself. nobody can ever hurt me more, than i have already hurt myself. and that is when i realised that i don't need to protect myself from anyone, the person i need protection from is myself.

but maybe one day, i will learn to put down every little piece of hatred i have carried, slowly, with something softer. maybe i will look at myself without searching for flaws. maybe i will finally remind myself that i do not need to be fixed to be loved. and maybe, one day, i will save myself from me. and when i do, i hope i never look back.

love to all,

simran <3