You’re not even wanting them to care back, but at least receive the care you’re giving them.

You’re the type to notice when they’re not okay. You remember what they told you that felt heavy to them, so you check in often. You make room for them in your life. You keep showing up because that’s just… you!

But then suddenly you realize they actually can’t be bothered that you care.

Mothers understand this very well.

You really and truly want the best for your child, so you guide them, correct them, try to protect them. And then they enter that phase where they interpret everything you do as an attack.

Friendships can be like this too sometimes.

You try to be there for this one friend, to help them in ways that will only benefit them, but they end up doing their own thing, not really acknowledging all the ways you show up for them.

I think for those of us who care deeply about people and aren’t afraid to show it, we end up feeling a certain type of way when our care isn’t received.

I know most people would say “just ignore them, just leave them alone”.

And I hear you.

It’s easy for you to say but for those of us whose love is so loud (I know, I know), it’s not that easy.

It’s ok if you don’t understand it but all we want is for our care to have somewhere to land.

Just receive the care. Or at least acknowledge it.

I’m writing this from a raw place because I just found myself in a situation where my care was thrown right back at my face. I went with care and left feeling hurt.

And if I’m being honest, my first thought was:

“Why did I even try?”…

But I don’t want to keep asking myself such questions.

I don’t want to lie to myself about how I feel about someone who means so much to me.

I don’t want to question my caring heart just because someone isn’t able to receive my care.

I don’t want to pretend it didn’t sting.

I don’t want to become someone who cares less just because of other people’s response (or lack thereof) to my care.

What I do want though, is to be more grounded.

To know why I show up for people in the first place.

To know my boundaries around what to give, what’s in my control, etc.

To be able to care without taking responsibility for how others receive that care.

Because caring deeply is one thing, but making someone else’s response the measure of whether your care was meaningful is another.

The truth is, my heart is still overflowing with care and I don’t think I want to change that. Especially as we keep navigating this world we live in where no one cares anymore.

Anyway, dear friend, when your care feels rejected…

Maybe sit with your feelings before you decide you shouldn’t have cared in the first place. Ask yourself:

1. What exactly am I hurt by?

Is it that they didn’t appreciate what I did/said? That they rejected my help? That they misunderstood my intentions? Or did I just want to feel seen by them?

2. What was I hoping would happen?

Did I just want to give? Or was a part of me hoping for closeness, gratitude, acknowledgement, or reassurance?

3. What would caring for myself look like in this situation?

Maybe it means continuing to love someone while stepping back a little (because I love myself too). Maybe it means having a difficult conversation, or accepting that this person doesn’t have the capacity to receive what I’m offering or give me what I need.

I’m learning that when my care is welcomed, I can give and give and give, because that’s just… me.

And when my care is not welcomed, I can step back without losing myself.

And when my care has nowhere to go, I can turn some of it back to myself.

I deserve my care too.

But I’m still learning.

And I still care deeply.

Some people would say “Maryam, ba ki da zuciya” which in this case means “you don’t give up on people”… and yes, I think I don’t.

But I believe there’s a reason Allah made me this way. I forgive too easily and make too many excuses for people (I know, I know).

But I still like this quality of mine. Even though it has caused me to cry many (MANY) tears 😔

Alhamdulillah ‘alaa kulli haal.

May Allah protect our soft hearts, teach us to be grounded in our care, and grant us the wisdom to love people without losing ourselves.

And may He grant us all Jannah. Ameen.

Or you’ve tried sitting down again and again to work on something that matters to you and nothing comes out…

Or someone asks you the most basic question like “which option looks better?”, and you just want to cry because you don’t have the bandwidth to make one more decision…

Or your salah has been feeling more and more robotic lately…

Maybe it’s time to pay attention to your gas tank!

Snapping, plus creative emptiness, plus decision fatigue, plus the feeling of spiritual disconnection all kinda point to depletion (i.e. your gas tank is running low).

Have you been carrying too much for too long?

To the point that your whole self (your mind, your heart, your relationships, your deen) is trying to tell you your gas tank needs attention?

I think we both know the answer.

For now, I just want you to know that nothing is wrong with you 💝

You’re just running on empty.

And no, ‘empty’ is not a character flaw, it’s information.

My question for you is, what are you going to do with that information?

If you want to figure that out together, The Space is here for you.

Explore The Space

Love + du’a,
Maryam

For the longest time I’ve been waiting for my life to calm down before I start structured Arabic classes.

When things settle. When the kids need me a little less. When I’m less scattered. When the timing is just right.

You know, “soon.”

But then, soon keeps sooning 😬

And my life keeps NOT calming down.

And the Arabic classes keep not happening.

A few weeks ago I picked up my old journal and I saw the same goals, the same dreams, and the same “I really want to do this” written in my own handwriting.

It’s one thing to be in a season of waiting, but it’s another thing to look back and realize you’ve been in the same season for five, ten, fifteen years.

Still wanting the same things. Still telling yourself soon. Still building the same list you built when you were younger.

The thing is, the version of me that finally joined Arabic classes simply just kept the promise she made to herself.

She decided that her dream mattered enough to show up for it, so she did.

And (I don’t mean to go deep but you know how we do)… I thought about what I want to be able to say when I meet Allah.

Not just about Arabic classes, but about my life in general.

I really want to be able to say Ya Allah, I tried, I showed up, and I gave my best to the things that actually mattered.

I want to be able to say I focused on what was important, and I didn’t keep putting it off until putting it off became my whole life!

Ya Rabb…

Anyway, today’s reminder (and I’m saying it to myself first) is:

The right time is not coming to find you. At some point you have to go find it.

So… what’s been on your list, dear friend? What’s been there since you were younger? What’s the promise you keep making to yourself and are still meaning to keep?

Hit reply and tell me. I’m curiousss!

And if your list has been waiting as long as mine has, let’s talk about it in The Space.

Explore The Space

Love + du’a,
Maryam

She starts the day with good intentions and somehow by noon everything has fallen apart.

She looks at her mega-to-do list and feels nothing. Just like, flat.

She makes du’a, like really makes du’a. Yet she still feels far from Allah.

She snaps at her kids/family and spends the rest of the day feeling guilty about it.

She snaps at herself too.

She unlocks her phone looking for something (she doesn’t know what exactly). Puts it down and picks it up again. Repeat!

She tells herself she just needs to be more disciplined, or more consistent, or more motivated.

But she’s been telling herself that for months (that have now turned into years).

And she’s still there. And it’s still tiring.

If any of this sounds familiar, I see you. I really do.

Can I start by saying this is not a you problem?

This is what it looks like when someone has been carrying too much for too long.

So no, I don’t think you’re a lazy person… because “laziness” sometimes is actually bone-deep exhaustion where you just feel done and done.

I also don’t think you’re a procrastinator (yes, you may be procrastinatING…), but procrastination sometimes just means you’re overwhelmed and not sure what exactly to do next.

And no, I don’t think you’re an inconsistent person. Sometimes, inconsistency shows up when you’re trying and trying to pour from an empty cup (hint: it’s hard).

What I’m trying to say is, you’re not the problem. And the thing you think is the problem may not even be the real problem.

When you do find the real problem though, things start to make sense slowly.

That’s what I want for you.

If you’ve been going round in circles and something in this letter just described your current reality, please know that you’re not alone. And you don’t have to keep figuring it out by yourself.

The Space is here for you whenever you're ready inshaAllah.

Explore The Space

And if you know anyone who needs to read this today, please forward it to her 💕 You might be the reason she finds her way here.

Love + du’a,
Maryam 🌸

My 6-year-old loves watching the sunrise and sunset.

The other day just before maghrib, she looked out the window and quickly took a picture of the sunset to come show me.

“Mama look, it’s so beautiful.”

I said, “Yes it is, Allah is so great!”

She said, “Yes Allah is so great, He can do anything! He can even make my ears stop hurting! Just like how my brothers don’t have ear pain!”

(She struggles with pain and pressure in her ears sometimes)

I held back my tears and said, “Yes, that’s true. Allah can make your ears stop hurting”.

And then she said “And even if Allah doesn’t make my ear stop hurting... it just means He is testing me!”

…

What was I supposed to I say to a 6 year old who just dropped that so casually? I just looked at her, half smiling and half trying to hold back tears.

Before I could say anything, she started telling me about how Allah tested the Prophets too.

SubhanAllah. I had no words.

She said it all so easily. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

(I truly think she said those words because Allah wanted you and me to hear them.)

A lot of what makes our hardship unbearable isn’t the hardship itself, but what we tell ourselves about the hardship.

I think about this often.

Two people may sit in the same traffic jam for an hour…

One arrives at their destination stressed and snapping at the stupid jam that made her late for an important meeting.

The other arrives calm even though they’ve just missed the meeting too, but… “Maybe Allah is testing me”.

When we tell ourselves “I’m doomed and never getting out of this hardship” or “something must be wrong with me that’s why I can’t do XYZ”, we get stuck right there :( and the difficulty feels so heavy and so tight, to the point we struggle to see or even imagine a way out.

As we know from the Qur’an, the test is part of the journey. Allah says:

We will certainly test you with a touch of fear and famine and loss of property, life, and crops. Give good news to those who patiently endure— who say, when struck by a disaster, “Surely to Allah we belong and to Him we will ˹all˺ return.” They are the ones who will receive Allah’s blessings and mercy. And it is they who are ˹rightly˺ guided.
[Qur’an 2:155-157]

And what else does Allah tell us?

“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not.”
[Qur’an 2:216]

When we’re deep in our pain (we will certainly be tested), He knows what we don’t know and He sees what we can’t see, right?

My daughter was just casually admiring the sunset and talking and talking as her usual chatty self… but, again, I think Allah wanted you and me to hear the reminder through her words.

She wants her ear pain to go away and she acknowledged that Allah can make it stop. But she went a step further… “And if it doesn’t stop, it means Allah is testing me”.

Do we constantly and consistently have that kind of certainty in Allah and His Wisdom when not-so-great things happen to us? When we fail at something? When we’re not yet where we want to be?

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good.
If something good happens to him, he is thankful, and that is good for him.
If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.”
[Muslim]

We can’t go wrong if we use our tawakkul lenses to look at every situation.

Sabr through hardship and shukr through ease.

My daughter’s ears still hurt sometimes to the point of tears, so I’m not saying (or she’s not saying, lol) that tawakkul will make your pain or hardship end.

The message I’m taking away is, tawakkul definitely changes HOW we handle the pain or hardship, how we show up in our storm, and how we think about Allah through it all.

I think that’s what they mean when they say there’s a difference between pain and suffering.

Pain is something we all feel and we will all feel. Suffering is a choice we make, depending on how we interpret our pain.

Dear friend, is there a story you’ve been telling yourself about the hardship you’re going through right now? And what would the more tawakkul-focused version of that story be?

I’d love to know!

Love + Du’a,
Maryam

P.S. If the story you’ve been telling yourself has left you feeling stuck and you want to talk to someone about it, that’s exactly what The Space is for 🌸

Explore The Space

P.P.S. Please please please, remember me and my family in your du’a 🌸

So sometime last week I took my six-year-old to see (yet another) ENT about her recurring ear pain.

Whenever we travel by plane, or go up and down high floors in lifts, she’s in so much pain, poor thing. She’s been saying she doesn’t want to travel by air anymore because “my ears will hurt on the plane”.

We’d already had a few different consultations before we went to see this ENT, and with all the previous consultations, the doctors kinda told us the same thing and handed us nasal sprays.

I expected this consultation to be pretty much the same, but instead, before he even looked in her ears, the doctor started asking me (what sounded like) random questions.

“Does she wake up feeling tired?”
“Does she snore?”
“Does she sleep with her mouth open?”
“Does she grind her teeth?”
“Does she drool when she sleeps?”

I remember thinking, “what does any of this have to do with her ear pain when we’re flying/landing?”

After all my “umms” and “aaahs” and “I-never-thought-about-it-like-thats” he said:

"You're focused on the ear pain... But don't you think the snoring is worth looking into? Don't you think the fact that she sleeps with her mouth open is concerning? Don't you think the drooling is a sign?"

Ahhh, ok sir 😬

He wasn’t dismissing her pain at all, he was just challenging the way I was thinking about it.

The ear pain is what brought us to him, but in reality there were other pieces of the puzzle we needed to pay attention to as well.

I’ve found myself thinking about that consultation ever since, especially because of conversations I have with people through coaching.

Someone tells me they’ve been procrastinating, or they struggle to wake up for Fajr, or they need more discipline…

Honestly those struggles are so real! But I’ve learned not to assume they’re the whole story.

Sometimes procrastination is exhaustion. Sometimes inconsistency is perfectionism in disguise. Sometimes lack of motivation shows up when someone has been carrying too much for too long.

I think many of us become so familiar with our own explanation of the problem that we stop questioning it.

“I just need to try harder.”

“I just need more willpower.”

“I just need to get my act together.”

Maybe… but maybe not.

Maybe what you need isn’t another productivity hack or another promise to start afresh on Monday.

Maybe you simply need someone to ask the questions you haven’t thought to ask yourself.

That’s one of the things I love most about coaching.

Not because I have all the answers (I don't!)

But because having someone sit with you, listen carefully, and challenge your framing of the problem can open up a completely different path for you.

Sometimes we don’t need more nasal sprays or quick fixes.

Sometimes we need a safe space to reflect and finally ask the questions that really matter.

That’s exactly what I hope to create inside The Space.

Inside The Space, we untangle what’s been weighing on you, understand what’s really going on, and take the next step with more clarity, inshaAllah.

If you’ve been feeling stuck in the same cycle and wondering why nothing is changing, I’d love to support you inside The Space.

Explore The Space

If this letter resonated with you, please reply to this email and tell me a little about what’s been on your mind.

We can see if coaching together would be helpful inshaAllah 🌸

Love + Du’a,
Maryam

P.S. My daughter is undergoing treatment alhamdulillah :) please remember us in your du’a 💝

Today's letter is for my sister who is married and somehow feels alone.

(Yup, we’re going there today!)

So if that’s you, pull up a chair...

Sometimes you find yourself wondering why you feel so lonely even though you’re not alone.

You’re married to a good man who does so much for you and your family and you’re so grateful to have him. At the same time though, you feel far away from him.

It’s hard to explain and even feels unfair to say any of this out loud, because you don’t want to seem ungrateful.

But oh well.

From the outside, everything looks fine. And beautiful. And amazing.

You don’t tell anyone about your struggles because they won’t get it at all.

“You’re so lucky” is what everyone says to you. And you agree… but like, not fully.

It’s true that things are fine, but there’s something(s) missing and you know it.

The marriage you prayed for and envisioned was deeper and more alive than the one you’re living.

You looked forward to being a team, to being on the same page about things.

You thought you’d always feel like his queen and much more.

But he doesn’t even see you.

Or maybe he does?

You feel invisible to him in a weird way. You feel lonely.

But oh well.

You push the thoughts away, find your smile again, and keep being the awesome human you are (Allahumma baarik).

But something hurts. But you brush it off and show up anyway. But it still hurts.

But but, can I say something my lovely?

The loneliness you feel doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful.

You can be the most grateful person in the world and still feel that longing.

Remember “two things can be true at the same time”? That 100% applies here.

Don't let anyone make you feel like you're asking for too much. You're not :)

And remember, you don’t have to keep carrying everything alone…

Whenever you’re ready to (finally) give your feelings some space, I’m here to hold space for you inshaAllah. I have a few coaching spots available this month.

Book a coaching session

Love + du’a,
Maryam

P.S. If this letter made you think of someone, please send it to her.
And if you'd like to gift her a session, please let me know 🌸

I don’t mean to throw a direct question straight away but… is there something you keep meaning to do (or stop doing) that just... hasn’t worked out?

Maybe it’s eating better, or finally decluttering that corner of the house that’s been stressing you out.

Maybe it’s being more consistent with your Qur’an goals or being more patient with your kids.

You try really hard but find yourself doing the thing you said you wouldn’t, or not doing the thing you said you would!

I have been there so many times myself because #hellohuman

I’ve been meaning to declutter some areas of my home for ages but it just never happened! Then I started to dig deeper into the who-what-when-why-how around it, and I found out I had two main blocks that kept me from doing the thing!

One involved a hard conversation with my husband (Mr. A) that I’d been avoiding (it went well, yay!). Another was a fear I had that sounded like “will I even finish what I start?”

I’m currently in the middle of my big decluttering project, but it’s going well so far! Many thanks to my friend who I can’t wait to share more details about inshaAllah, she’s amazing Allahumma baarik!

Anyway, once I saw those two blocks clearly, I knew what I needed to do. They were not easy, but alhamdulillah, Allah made things happen in the best way and at the best time.

Another example is omg I tasted the best chocolate chip cookies the other night but sadly one bite turned into two which turned into four… and I was feeling guilty the whole time because I thought I was in my healthy girl era 😭😅 so what was that late night snacking all about?!

But again, when I sat with the who-what-when-why-how, I realized there’s more I can do so my environment can support my goals. Like not bringing unhealthy snacks home or getting Mr. A to keep them out of sight! Because my body isn’t the type that gets away with mindless snacking #helloinflammation

Anyway my point is, when it comes to doing these things we really want to do, it’s almost never about trying harder to do the thing. Yes we should definitely try harder but…

There could be something underneath worth looking into.

Like a block. Or a fear. Or a conversation you’ve been avoiding. Or a leaky bucket in your environment or your routine or your support system.

So if you’re in a “how am I back here again” right now with a goal or a not-so-good habit, maybe your point of reflection could be:

“What’s the who-what-when-why-how underneath this?”

Figuring out the who-what-when-why-how is actually a lot of what I help sisters do in a coaching session. We get together on a call (maybe a few calls) and dig past the surface “issue” to figure out what’s actually going on. So if there’s something that’s been on your mind that you want to talk about, I have a few coaching spots open this month! I’d love to support you inshaAllah!

Book a session

Love + du’a,
Maryam

P.S. Send me your best decluttering tips + healthy girl era tips hehe, please & thankssss!
I’ll go first :)
Well I can’t think of healthy girl tips because the struggle is real haha just drink more water! And a gym membership where the coach asks “are you coming tomorrow?” helps a lot! 🤣
My decluttering tips are:
1) have a decluttering habit so things don’t pile up! That way you stay ahead of the game and you’re always going through your stuff to take out what’s old, broken, what could be passed on, etc…
2) if things have piled up, don’t panic! Block of a few kid-free hours over a few days to power through one area at a time. This is what I’ve been up to hehe
You’ve got this!!!

P.P.S. What a long P.S. but nothing new here okthanksbyeee x

I’ve missed writing to you, sis!

I’ve been in my cocoon for a few weeks now and the introvert in me is very happy here.

I’ve been working on my du’a mindset (a whole topic I’d love to dive into with you!) and I find myself feeling much calmer in the “waiting” period.

The period between asking and getting your desired outcome (whether or not that outcome is what you hoped for).

Instead of feeling like “my du’a hasn’t been answered yet”, I’m finding myself recognizing Allah’s mercy in the “wait”.

It feels like the wait is actually keeping me close to Him longer.

Because if I got everything I asked Him for, what would happen to my dependence on Him? Would I keep running to Him for everything with desperation, or would I feel like… I’m sorted?

Don’t get me wrong. I still have big dreams. I still have many gaps in my life I want filled like yesterday.

I have a dream car lol, she’s pink (scroll down for a sneak peek 🙈)

I have a dream domestic helper I’ve never met, but I can tell you all about her.

Dream heart (qalbun saleem). Dream generosity level. Dream character. Dream Jannah mansion. Dream bank balance. Dreams for my family, community, ummah. Dream mental health.

Dream death, even…

So no, I’m not there yet.

And so I keep asking Him.

There are so many layers when it comes to needs and du’a and tawakkul, and my words can never do justice.

And rely upon Allāh; and sufficient is Allāh as Disposer of affairs.
[Qur’an 33:3]

We have to keep learning to rely on Him.

I remember thinking recently: “I’m broke, but my needs are met”.

And it may sound funny, but it’s true.

Sometimes Allah makes things happen beautifully for us in ways we can’t explain, and we’re left in awe…

Other times we’re no where close to where we want to be, and it’s hard!

Maybe you’re deep in a waiting period too, full of dreams/needs. And maybe it’s hard… but I wonder if some of the needs we have are there to help us keep depending on Allah alone.

I’m not saying we should all be happy and jolly in the waiting period, or that it’s wrong to be sad if the thing we want still hasn’t happened yet.

It’s just, sometimes, the wait itself is mercy from Him.

May Allah help us all.

Ummm ok so I think I’ve reached my bus stop for this letter :)

These are raw thoughts in my head, but I really want to hear from you.

So tell me, are you in a waiting period right now? How’s it going? Like, how’s it really going? Do tell!

Love + du’a,
Maryam

P.S. here she is 🤭

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”

I’ve loved this quote since the day time I heard it!

Assalamu alaykum dear friend!

I wanted to let you know I’m retreating into my cocoon for a bit hehe.

InshaAllah I’ll re-emerge soon, hopefully as a beautiful, colourful, happy(er) butterfly.

Please remember me and my family in your du’a.

And I’ll see you on the butterfly side inshaAllah 🦋

Jazaakillah khair dear friend!

🌸

Love + Du’a (lots!!),
Maryam

One time when my son was two years old…

I left a bowl of cereal and milk on the counter just for a second while I grabbed something, and he pulled it all down.

Milk and cereal all over the floor while were rushing to get out the door.

And I lost it!

I yelled at him like he’d done it on purpose (like a two-year-old pulling something off a counter was some kind of personal attack on me).

It took me years to understand that the spilled bowl wasn’t actually the issue. The problem was I’d been running on empty for months and I had nothing left, so a spilled bowl became the thing that broke me.

The way he looked at me after I yelled is something I still remember years later.

I wish someone had told me back then, that when you’re running on empty, you can’t give what you don’t have! Not patience, not kindness, and definitely not calm.

If you’re anything like me… you’re holding it together (barely), and you know one more thing can easily push you over the edge.

Maybe it already happened and you’re carrying the guilt of it.

Or maybe you can feel it coming and you’re trying so hard to keep holding it together.

So the question is: how long can you keep going like this?

The 12-Week Du’a Challenge (12WDC) is 12 weeks to refill your cup before you completely run dry.

With du’a and action, with sisters who get it, and with someone actually checking in on you every week!

Cohort 5 opens this summer inshaAllah so if you’re tired of barely holding it together, join the waitlist here:

12WDC Waitlist

Love + Du’a,
Maryam 💝

Today we’re talking about hifdh (Qur’an memorization).

I’ve been working on my hifdh for a looong time (this is more the embarrassing kind of long time, not the bragging kind, trust me 😭).

Because for most of that time I’d start well, slow down, stop, feel bad about stopping (and forgetting), start again... and yup you know how it goes.

But then recently, a friend and I started checking in on each other.

Every few weeks one of us would send a voice note or a message. “Here’s how my hifdh is going, how’s yours?” We share what’s working, what’s not… and we just keep figuring it out together.

And (no exaggeration here), I think I’ve made more progress in the past 3 months than in the year before, now that I have regular check-ins with her.

And apparently this ‘progress when you have regular check-ins built in’ is very much a thing!

There’s a study that found people who set goals alone complete about 43% of them. But the ones who set goals AND shared weekly updates with a friend complete 76%!

Though of course we must remember that tawfeeq (success) is from Allah alone. You can have the best accountability partner in the world and still not move an inch if He doesn’t open that path for you. And you can be all alone and make the most amazing progress if He wants that for you.

But still, we tie our camels.

We show up. We do the work. We find our people. And we ask Him to grant us barakah along the way.

I think a lot of us keep saying we need more discipline, willpower, structure, etc. And yes, those things matter a lot.

But maybe one simple thing a lot of us are missing is just someone who gets it, checking in with us. Someone who genuinely wants to know how we’re doing and who cares about our progress too!

Anyway, now I’m curious… is there something you’ve been trying to do alone that could be better if you had someone beside you?

Hit reply, I’d love to know!

Love + Du’a,
Maryam 💝

P.S. If you’ve been working on something alone and you need regular accountability, sisters who get it, someone genuinely invested in how you’re doing… that’s what the 12-Week Du’a Challenge is built around. You can join the waitlist here:

12WDC Waitlist

Hey heyyy assalamu alaykum dear friends,

I know a certain someone who, even when she’s drifting off to sleep at night, she’s still scrolling.

Pitiful, pitiful 🙈

She can’t tell you what she’s doing exactly.

Catching up on every last notification and WhatsApp group chat. Forcing her eyes to stay open when her brain has already shut down, just to get to the end of the page (that actually never ends).

This is happening even after she has deleted social media from her phone…

We don’t need to name who she is (she will self-identify, hehe)

Every night she asks herself “why do I do this to myself?” but then she scrolls some more before she's able to answer.

There’s nothing important she’s doing at almost midnight, but she somehow still holds onto her phone. Even when it’s slipping out of her hand, she’s grabbing it and scrolling some more.

That’s what Revenge Bedtime Procrastination is, and the struggle is so real!

It’s when you feel like this is the only hour you’re not needed, so you force yourself to use it to do... nothing exactly. You end up staying up later than you want to because you’re not ready to give up what feels like rest (when in reality, it’s the opposite of rest).

And what I’m realising is it’s not really about the phone at all. It’s about protecting that little space and stillness that feels like yours, when no one needs anything from you and you don’t need to be adulting!

And it's not just the midnight scroll we struggle to let go of…

• Eating while moving around the kitchen serving the kids their meals because there’s no time to sit down right now.

• Cancelling your own plans because something came up for someone who was once so kind to you and now it feels impossible to say no to her.

• Saying “I’m fine” when really you just can’t bear the vulnerability of admitting you’re not okay.

• Putting off the doctor’s appointment until next month (again) because this month is just so packed.

There are so many different ways we put ourselves last. I could go on and on (don’t ask me how I know).

Anyway… if the sister I described at the beginning of this letter sounds familiar 🙈 you’re not alone, and this is a judgement-free zone! Hit reply, I’d love to chat about it.

Love + Du’a,
Maryam 💝

P.S. Cohort 5 of the 12-Week Du’a Challenge opens this summer inshaAllah. It's a 12-week program where me + a small group of sisters come together to focus on what truly matters to us through du'a, intentional action, and accountability (the nice kind). This round, choosing yourself is the whole point.
If this sounds like your kinda thing, yay! Please join the waitlist here:

12WDC Waitlist

Hey hey assalamu alaykum dear friend!

This past year, my skin went through terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad acne. Fine, maybe I’m exaggerating, but still.

It’s the kind of acne that made a little girl look at my face and ask, “Aunty Maryam, why do you have so many dots on your face?” The kind where adults have said things I won’t even bother repeating. The kind where I’d see my reflection in the mirror and just keep moving because yeah.

There was a lot to keep moving for… The kids and their homeschool. Home. Husband. Community. Work. Family. Studies. Commitments. Everyone’s needs… There was always somewhere I was needed and I wanted to be there on time, every time!

My own needs kept getting pushed to tomorrow “when things settle down”, or “when everyone is sorted”, or “when there’s more time”.

(spoiler: there was never more time, it was always the same 24 hours)

This is a whole mode of operation most of us are familiar with.

I think about this a lot when I think about us Muslim women. We’re so good at showing up for our families, our communities, our work, everything.

We keep putting everyone else’s needs first until we have nothing left and our body is sending signs in the form of inflammation we can’t keep ignoring.

Do I think it’s ok to put others needs first sometimes? Of course. I think it only becomes problematic if we’re always and forever putting ourselves last.

My acne was a huge test, no doubt.

But in a way, the test became the gift because it made choosing myself a no-brainer.

I became more intentional and more careful about what products I used, what I ate(!), how I rested, when I said ‘no’… Things I knew I needed but kept putting off until tomorrow.

Sometimes in all our showing up for everyone else, we forget to show up for ourselves too.

I have a feeling this isn’t just me though!

So please, (pretty please) hit reply and tell me if you’ve been putting yourself last, and how that looks like in your life.

I read every reply/comment!

Love + Du’a,
Maryam

P.S. Cohort 5 of the 12-Week Du’a Challenge starts this summer inshaAllah! It’s my signature program where a small group of sisters come together to focus on what actually matters to them through du’a, intentional action, and (the nice kind of) accountability.
In this cohort, we’ll be focusing on exploring:
- Where have we been abandoning ourselves?
- How do we start to choose ourselves too?
If that’s been on your mind, consider joining the 12WDC waitlist here:

12WDC waitlist

P.P.S Acne is a lot calmer now alhamdulillah! Just the post-acne scars are a whole other battle(!!!)
Khair inshaAllah :)

Ramadan ended a few weeks ago and it’s been much harder for me than I thought it would be.

In Ramadan, I had a routine/schedule and I tried hard to keep showing up consistently.

Then Ramadan ended and Eid showed up, then the next day came, and then the next. And slowly my nafs started getting used to socializing, wasting time, and “being busy” again.

I’ve been reflecting on this and I realize now that I lost two big things when Ramadan ended.

First, I lost the urgency.

In Ramadan, there was this feeling of “this whole month is precious and I’m not going to waste it”. Every day mattered so much because I had 30 days to show up and that was it.

But right after Ramadan the urgency just goes away.

There’s no countdown anymore, no daily reminders like “you’ve entered the last 10 days so make them count!!!”

Just back to regular dunya life, and my nafs whispering “it’s ok, you can start over again tomorrow, what’s the rush?”

Sigh!

The second thing I lost was the accountability.

In Ramadan, everyone around me was fasting, praying taraweeh, reading Qur’an... all the ibadahs!

But now I’m on my own 😬 and some days it’s really hard.

Some days I don’t feel like showing up for the one thing I said I would stick to, and again, my nafs has very convincing arguments for why today doesn’t need to be the day.

Last week or so I heard someone say “The Lord we worshipped in Ramadan is the same Lord outside of Ramadan.”

And I keep reminding myself of that, and how I must keep showing up even without the built-in urgency and accountability that Ramadan gave me automatically.

So yes, I need to be able to show up privately and on my own... for sure.

But I also need accountability and a sense of urgency sometimes.

And that’s the whole point of the 12-Week Du’a Challenge ⚡⚡⚡

It’s my signature program where we come together as a group of sisters to focus on ONE area of life for 12 weeks with du’a, action, and accountability.

It gives you a sense of urgency (12 weeks!!) and a sense of community and accountability (sisters showing up together).

Cohort 5 of the 12 Week Du’a Challenge starts this summer inshaAllah!

12 -Week Du'a Challenge waitlist

If you’ve been feeling alone post-Ramadan, or if you need that sense of urgency and accountability to stay consistent, join the waitlist here.

Love + Du’a,
Maryam 💝

ICYMI:

• Du’a Mindset Makeover (PDF guide to help strengthen your du’a foundation)

• Latest YouTube video (Stop trying to do everything at once)

• 1 on 1 coaching sessions (for sisters who need someone to hold space for them)

First, a heads up…

Today’s letter is about loss, disappointment, and heartbreak… and how we respond when the one thing we thought would change our lives, doesn’t end up happening.

If you’re in the middle of something like this right now and wanna skip this letter for now, I completely understand. No pressure at all to read it.

Ok?

Ok.

Note: These stories are illustrative examples to show two different responses to loss.

Meet Layla

Layla’s a 32-year-old who has wanted to get married for the past 10 years.

Sadly, she’s been through ten years of failed relationships, almosts, maybes, not-yets, heartbreak… all of it.

Just recently though, she met someone she thought would change her life.

He was good-looking and very mashaAllah in all the ways she’d been asking Allah for.

“Ya Allah, I think this is it. Please let this be it”

Things moved quite fast for them, families got involved. The excitement was so real!

She started wedding prep because the families were already discussing nikah and other logistics.

But then… the wedding was called off.

Her husband-to-be decided he wasn't ready anymore.

It did not (and it probably will never) make sense to her.

She was devastated, as you can imagine. She was full of anger, frustration, confusion, all of it.

“Why, Ya Allah? What did I do wrong this time? It’s been 10 years of wanting this one thing. Is there something wrong with me? Is this a punishment?”

She shut down after that and built up a wall. Which is understandable… and very human.

Right now, she says she’s just there. She still prays 5x a day but she doesn’t really feel connected to Allah.

She doesn’t care anymore. “Whatever really. I’m so done. Maybe Allah is punishing me, so yeah.”

Meet Khadijah

Khadijah is a 37-year old sister...

She has wanted marriage for even longer than Layla (about fifteen years).

Recently, she was introduced to this guy and from day one everything clicked.

Two months from meeting to having a date set for their nikah. Amazing!

She made istikhara over and over and over again. Everything was decided and everything felt right.

She thought he would change her life.

But then… the wedding was called off.

He ended up marrying someone else.

It did not (and it probably will never) make sense to her.

She was devastated, as you can imagine. She was full of anger, frustration, confusion, all of it.

“Ya Allah, I thought he was the one You finally chose for me.
I don’t know what to do.
I am exhausted and broken and shattered.
You know how badly I want this, You know everything I’ve been through and still go through, You know the patience, the tears, the heaviness, Ya Rabb, but You took him away from me.
I won’t question You, because I know that You know. Ya ‘Aleem, You know.
Ya Allah, grant me peace in your decision for me, and place contentment in my heart.
It hurts, it burns.
Help me through this.
I have left it all to You.”

Day and night, Khadijah keeps her tongue moist with istighfar and dhikr, she’s trying hard not to let herself go… she’s waking up for tahajjud, crying to Allah, begging Him, holding on to tawakkul… even though it feels like the hardest thing right now.

Some days she feels so sad, she can’t get out of bed. Other days she’s angry and irritable. Regardless, she keeps coming back to her prayer mat.

Similar experiences, different responses

I’m not saying Khadijah is better or stronger or has a higher iman than Layla, or that heartbreak isn’t real, or that loss doesn’t hurt.

Things are incredibly hard for both of them.

But what I keep thinking about is, what if the whole point of the test isn’t the thing we lost? What if it’s just an invitation to turn back to Allah?

Think about it.

Sometimes when Allah gives us provisions or ease, we get carried away a bit. Or a lot. We’re grateful and full of joy, yes, alhamdulillah, but some of don’t remember Him as often when we’re immersed in the ease.

So maybe when He takes something away from us, something we really love… maybe it’s mercy from Him so that we return to Him.

“Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.” [Qur’an 2:216]

Who knows if that thing we were so sure would change our lives, was actually going to pull us away from Him? Who knows if losing it is what actually saves us?

This idea of loss has been on my mind a lot lately, and not just with marriage/heartbreak but with everything really.

The job that didn’t work out, the health issue that suddenly slows your life down, the relationship that ended, the big dream that fell apart…

I’ve been thinking about how we all handle these disappointments/losses differently.

Sometimes we shut down like Layla did. We put up walls, wonder if Allah is punishing us, stop trying. And that happens sometimes, right? It’s human.

Other times, we turn to Allah like Khadijah did. We run to salah, cry and pour our heart out to Allah and call on Him for help.

If you’re showing up as Layla right now, that doesn’t mean you’ll stay there forever. Navigating disappointment isn’t linear. You might show up as Layla today and as Khadijah next week. Or you might be both at the same time.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe the point isn’t to be perfect in how we handle our grief/hurt/disappointment/loss.

Maybe the point is just to keep turning back, even when it’s hard, even when we’re angry and shattered, even when we don’t know why things aren’t working out.

Or if they ever will.

So, over to you now 🌸

• What’s the thing that you thought would change your life but didn’t? Was it marriage, a job, a move, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

• When it didn’t work out, how did you respond?

Ask your self these questions with compassion and curiosity, ok? No judgement allowed :)

The most important thing to remember is we must keep turning back to Him, no matter what emotional state we find ourselves in.

Ok?

Love + Du’a,
Maryam 💝

P.S. If you’re in the middle of a disappointment, loss, or heartbreak, or you’ve been feeling like things are falling apart and you need help navigating it, I offer 1-on-1 coaching calls for sisters.
We get together on Google Meet and talk through what’s been on your mind. It’s a safe space where you can process your thoughts and get some clarity, inshaAllah.

Book a 1-on-1 call

P.P.S. And if you don’t need a 1-on-1 call right now but you do want support navigating your goals (or life’s challenges) with du’a + action and a sense of community, the 12-Week Du’a Challenge might be for you! If you’d like to join the next Cohort, please sign up on the waitlist below.

12-Week Du'a Challenge

Wanna hear a sad story?

Well…

I failed 3 of my professional accounting exams.

Three F’s, all at once (this was back in 2013).

And yes I cried my eyes out, as you can imagine.

When I got the exam results, I was so disappointed. Beyond words subhanAllah. I had made plans for my career and was ready to move on to the next stage.

But I was hit with 3 F’s at once. Do you know how embarrassing that was for me? My colleagues had passed and moved on to the next level, and there I was.

Sigh.

You know what though?

I wasn’t super duper surprised that I failed.

I had studied, of course, but I’d also told myself the whole time that I was just not smart enough for those exams.

ACCA is one of those crazy exams they want us to sit 🙄, but even with my degree in accounting, I told myself a story: I simply can not pass those crazy exams.

Not someone like me.

And you know what else?

That story of not being smart enough didn’t start with my 2013 ACCA exams.

It started way back in childhood, way back when academics were never my thing. I didn’t care one bit about academics as a child.

Side note: If you wanted to see me shine as a child, all you needed to do was give me a microphone and a stage!

By the time I got to university though, I had heard so much from my teachers about how unserious I was, and how I “play too much”.

But who knows if somewhere between those comments from teachers, and my report cards from school (which showed underperformance, confirming what my teachers were going on about)… who knows if that was when I settled into the “I’m not that smart anyway” narrative?

The thing about taking on an identity/narrative like that is, it doesn’t just stay in one area of your life.

It slowly seeps into everything else.

Including du’a.

I found myself making du’a for things, but never really believing they were meant for me.

Because somewhere deep down, I’d already decided that people like me don’t get things like that.

I was putting a cap on what I made du’a for.

This reminds me of a concept from Gay Hendricks' book, The Big Leap. He talked about how we usually put a glass ceiling on our potential, and it’s so true!

For some of us Muslims, we take it a step further and also put a glass ceiling on our du’a. We unconsciously limit ourselves based on what we believe we deserve or what we think is possible for “people like us.”

Anyway, fast forward to the next round of ACCA exams in 2014… I decided to try again. But differently.

I didn’t just study for the exams and make du’a to pass.

I asked Allah to make me be among the highest scores in my city...

Aaand I passed! I passed! I passed!

Was mine among the highest scores? No it wasn’t. But I passed, and that was what I needed!

Before the exam, I showed up alhamdulillah. And studied (a lot). And asked for help when I needed it.

I did the work.

Did I pass the exams because I suddenly became smarter? Not at all!

If anything, I stopped believing that there was a limit to what Allah could help me achieve.

Because why make du’a from a place of “I can’t do this” when you can make du’a from a place of “Allah is Al-Wahhab?”

Do you feel the difference there?

What glass ceilings even exist when we’re calling on Al-Wahhab, The One who gives without limit?

Allah doesn’t give or withhold based on whether you’re smart enough, good enough, or worthy enough. He gives and withholds according to His will! NOT according to our abilities.

Indeed, your Lord extends provision for whom He wills and restricts [it]. Indeed He is ever, concerning His servants, Aware and Seeing.
[Qur’an 17:30]

So… Over to you now :)

Where have you been putting up glass ceilings in your life and in your du’a?

Maybe you’ve heard or said things like:

• “Marriage probably wasn’t written for me”

• “I’ll never be the type who wakes up for Fajr consistently”

• “A 6-figure business is for other people, not me”

• “I’m just not disciplined enough to get an A in my exams”

I understand that life experiences sometimes mean we’ll automatically put up these ceilings...

But I’m curious, what do you think will happen if you shatter your ceiling, ask Him for what your heart desires, and let Allah handle your affairs?

Keep in mind there's no guarantee you'll get what you desire, just because you made du'a from a place of trust.

But wouldn't you rather try (and even fail) knowing you gave it everything AND trusted Allah completely?

Remember this: When next you make du’a or when you’re trying to achieve a goal, approach it from a place of “Is Allah not able?”

Your job is to know who He is, truly, ask Him with certainty, and then do your part.

Ok?

Love + Du’a,
Maryam 💝

P.S. If you want help improving your mindset around du’a and how you approach it, check out my free PDF guide, the Du’a Mindset Makeover below.
It walks you through knowing who you’re asking, asking with certainty, and showing up as you make du’a.
You’re welcome!

Du'a Mindset Makeover

I would write down all the goals:

• Read Qur’an daily

• Fix my sleep(!!!)

• Be more present with my kids

• Grow my business

• Drink more water

• Stop scrolling so much(!!!)

• Stop yelling(!!!)

I would start so strong, but a few weeks in, I’d feel overwhelmed and slowly get tired of doing all the things.

And after a while, I stopped trusting myself. Like… what’s the point of setting goals if I already know how this will end?

I thought I had a discipline problem, but I started noticing that everything I wanted to fix was in one of the 4 major areas of my life:

Deen. Relationships. Health. Wealth.

And every time I set goals, I was trying to work on all four at the same time.

That’s what made it feel so hard(!!!)

In Gary Keller’s book, The One Thing, he says when you try to focus on everything, you spread your energy too thin, which means minimal progress on any single goal.

So I started thinking about it differently.

The car analogy

I started imagining it like this:

I imagine my life is like a car driving non-stop towards the hereafter…

All the four areas of my life (Deen, relationships, health, wealth) are sitting in the car.

But only one of them gets to sit in the driver’s seat (for 12 weeks at a time).

Which means every 12 weeks is like a checkpoint on the journey where I ask myself: who needs to drive right now?

Maybe “Deen” needs to drive because Ramadan is coming, or I’m noticing my heart feels so disconnected from Allah.

Maybe “Health” needs to drive because my body has been asking me to rest and I keep ignoring it… and it’s starting to affect my day-to-day life.

The others are still in the car. We’re not abandoning them. They’re just not in the driver’s seat right now.

For example…

If Deen is driving for 12 weeks:

• Maybe your top priorities are Fajr on time, daily morning adhkar, and reading one page of Qur’an before bed

• Health and Relationships don’t disappear - you’re still eating right, still showing up for your family…

• But you’re not ALSO trying to start a new workout routine or fix your marriage at the same time

• Your main energy goes to Deen. The others coast.

If Health is driving for 12 weeks:

• Maybe your focus is better sleep - so you're prioritizing 7 hours/night, plus walking 3x/week and eating nourishing meals (because movement and food affect sleep quality)

• Deen doesn’t disappear - you’re still praying on time, still making du’a everyday

• But you’re not ALSO trying to memorize 30 juz of Qur’an or start a new business in these 12 weeks

• Your main energy and attention goes to Health. The others are continuing as usual.

See the pattern?

One drives and the others ride along.

That shift from trying to have all four drive together, to letting one thing lead for 12 weeks, made a huge difference to my life.

Things started to feel calmer and more doable. And I wasn’t constantly feeling behind in every part of my life.

Your turn!

Quick questions for you :)

• Right now, where is most of your energy going?

• Is that actually where you want it to go?

• If you had to choose one area to focus on for the next 12 weeks, what would it be?

Here’s what to do:

Pick one driver: Deen, Relationships, Health, or Wealth.

The others stay in the car too! You’re not ignoring them, you’re just giving ONE of them your main focus.

At the end of 12 weeks, you pause and ask again: who needs to drive next?

That’s it. That's how you make progress without burning out inshaAllah.

Love + Du’a,
Maryam 💝

P.S. This is the foundation of my group coaching program, the 12-Week Du’a Challenge.
We pick ONE area (Deen, Relationships, Health, or Wealth) and give it our focus and attention for 12 weeks. We make du’a + take action. And by Allah’s will, we actually make progress… because we’re not trying to do everything at once.

If you want to do this with me and a small group of sisters, you can join the waitlist here!

12 Week Du'a Challenge Waitlist

This is my 100th letter to you. I almost didn’t write it.

I wanted it to be about Hauwa, but every time I tried to write it, the words didn’t come through.

I guess it’s just… this one isn’t an easy story to tell.

Because how do you write about a loved one whose death made you realize that life is temporary and you actually have to do something with yours?

Her name was Hauwa.

My best friend. She passed away when I was 19.

A few days ago, I was on the phone to my mum and she was saying something about “August 2010” when she gave birth to my (twin) siblings.

I felt that familiar sadness whenever 2010 is mentioned, and I said… “Hauwa was still alive in August 2010. She knew about the twins, but she never got to meet them. She passed away in November”

And I started telling narrating everything to mum (the story I’ve told her many times already).

I was in a taxi when I saw a status update from Hauwa’s sister. It said, “inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un”.

And I just knew.

I immediately tried to call her sister but it didn’t go through. Then I called her aunt who had been at the hospital with them the whole time.

She said, “Maryam, I’m so sorry. Hauwa passed away.”

I remember breaking down. Everything else was a blur.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un. Indeed we belong to Allah, and to Him we shall return.

Hauwa had returned to Allah.

I slowly understood that it was His decree, that her time in dunya was done…

And that I would have to keep doing life… without her.

I think I lost myself a little when she passed away.

I remember being so confused and having so many questions and not wanting to do anything at all.

19-year-old me kept thinking, what’s the point of any of this anyway? Why am I in uni if we’re all going to die anyway?

What’s the point anyway?

I asked one of my friends passively, and she said something like: it’s about the meaning you give to the things you do. Even if attending classes in uni feels meaningless and repetitive, find your why.

Around that time was when 19-year-old me decided “I want to try and make my life count”.

Alhamdulillah, the bigger Why is already defined for us Muslims.

We’re here to know Allah, to worship Him, to use this dunya to work for the hereafter and to get ready for the meeting with Him.

19-year-old me figured Hauwa could be waiting for me in Jannah, so I made a lot of du’a for that to happen one day, and I told myself I have to do what it takes to be reunited with her!

I slowed down a bit, I became more reflective, more intentional.

I started wanting my days to actually mean something. I wanted to know Allah, to do what He expects from me.

I mess up many many times along the way, but that feeling of wanting to show up has never really left me.

After she passed, I didn’t know what to do with all the things I wanted to tell her. So I wrote letters to her. I guess that was how I coped.

And maybe that’s why I still haven’t stopped writing letters.

This one is my 100th letter to you.

Somedays it feels like I’m writing to myself alone (and all the “what’s the point?” thoughts try to come back up…)

But then I think about that one sister who messaged me to say my letters got her through her hardest days.

And the sister who messaged to say she smiles when my name shows up in her inbox.

And the sister who says please don’t stop writing.

May Allah grant us the ability to show up where it matters. Ameen!

If you’ve lost someone, I hope you keep on making du’a for them. And for yourself. That Allah has mercy on them and reunites you with them in Jannah.

If you’ve lost someone, I hope you keep showing up for the life you still have. Maybe all we have left is a few days, maybe it’s a few years… let’s make it count.

If you’ve lost someone, I hope you allow yourself to grieve. Sometimes the world gets too fast-paced for your grieving heart, I know. Don’t let anyone tell you “you should be over it by now”. They have no idea…

16 years later and I still long to hear the way she used to say my name “Maryaaaaaam”

All I have left are memories of her.

I make it a point to visit her mum and her two sisters whenever I’m in Nigeria. They will never know how much their hugs and being in their presence means to me.

So, yeah… here we are.

100 letters on Substack (plus so many more on all the platforms I used before I discovered Substack!)

I’m ready for the next 100 letters inshaAllah, and I can’t thank you enough for being here! (at this point I’m imagining myself sitting across from you in a cute cozy cafe with breathtaking views hehe).

Thank you, dear friend, for being here, for trusting me, for your time and attention…For believing in me way before I believed in myself.

It blows my mind to know you still choose to stay, this many letters later. It means so much more than you think.

May Allah love you and always send you kindness and love and support from places you never imagined.

May Allah have mercy on our loved ones, and on us too before our time, and on the souls of all our brothers and sisters around the world who have passed before us.

May Allah forgive all of our shortcomings and help us stay focused on what truly matters.

Ameen.

With lots of love and a truckload of du’a,
Maryam 💝

I listened to a beautiful reminder from Ustadha Abeer Sadary (a teacher I love so much!) about how to approach the last 10 nights when you’re on your period, and I thought I’d share my notes with you.

(Side note: if you’re not following her already, join her sisters only Telegram channel. You’re welcome!)

First things first - submit to His decree

Your period isn’t random timing. Allah decreed it for you.

Instead of staying stuck in disappointment, isn’t it better to make the du’a:

Allahumma a’innee ‘alaa dhikrika wa shukrika wa husni ‘ibaadatika
(O Allah, help me remember You, to be grateful to You, and to worship You in an excellent manner).

This du’a is better than feeling disappointed because it focuses on what you actually want - closeness to Him and excellence in ibadah.

We learn from Hadith that Aisha (RA) got her period during Hajj. She was weeping, and the Prophet ﷺ came to her and said: “What is the matter with you? Have you got your menses?” She said yes. He said: “This is a thing which Allah has ordained for the daughters of Adam. So do what all the pilgrims do with the exception of Tawaf.”

She was sad about it. But the Prophet (SAW) consoled her saying Allah decreed it for women.

So cheer up, k? There’s khair in it. For some people, the period brings relief from those painful, hormone-heavy days leading up to it. Khair, inshaAllah.

You can do everything except salah & sawm (prayer and fasting)

• You can recite or listen to the Qur’an from your phone or tablet

• You can make du’a to Allah even if you’re not fasting

• You can be in a constant state of dhikr (Morning and evening adhkar… SubhanAllah wa bihamdihi, subhanAllah al-Adheem… La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah... Astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayh, Allahumma innaka ‘afuwwun tuhibbul ‘afwa fa’fu anna…)

• You can feed a fasting person.

• You can be extra charitable

• You can be extra kind to your family

Think about it, you actually have more time now compared to someone not on their period. You’re not praying 5x a day or doing taraweeh or praying Qiyam, so you can use that “freed-up” time to do an extra khatm or extra ibadah. You also may have more energy compared to the fasting person so use that to your advantage :)

Spend time in khalwah ma’a Allah (solitude with Allah)

Let’s say one day when it’s possibly Laylatul Qadr… the kids are in bed, husband has gone to qiyam, you’re home by yourself. What do you do?

Ignore all the cleaning up for now… rather, take a quick shower, put on fresh clothes, put your phone away(!)… and sit quietly and have a conversation with Allah.

Praise Him. Talk to Him. Remember Him…

“Ya Allah, You allowed me to see this month - not a lot of people receive this blessing, and I thank You for it. You allowed me to fast, to recite Qur’an, to stand in salah even with my distracted heart - not a lot of people get to do all that. I’ve been imperfect to You, the Most Perfect, but You didn’t turn me away from this month. You allowed me to engage in acts of ibadah in the best month, despite my distracted heart. You gift me over and over and over again. I thank You, Ya Rabb, and I praise You for it. You are the most perfect Rabb.”

“Ya Allah, you know I didn’t do the right thing (in specific situation), I ask You to forgive me.”

“Ya Allah, I haven’t been engaging with the Qur’an as I know I should, I ask You to help me.”

“Ya Allah, my heart is full of worries and anxiety, I ask You to grant me relief”

…

This khalwah/solitude with Allah is private, it’s just between you and Allah. Sit there for hours talking to Him, remembering Him.

Ask Him to forgive you.

Do self-accountability.

Make du’a for what you want/need. For your family, the Muslim Ummah, for your hereafter…

Allah is Al-Muhsin (The Doer of Good), Al-Kareem (The Most Generous)

If you know Allah, as in, if you really know Him, it’s unfathomable that if a person is prevented from ibadah which she does usually, that Allah will not reward her.

Allah is too Just and too Kind to not give her a share of reward when she’s still showing up even though she can’t pray and fast.

Think about it, a loyal servant who spent her non-period days in recitation, dhikr, and in service to Allah.

She had aches and pains in her body but still, she stood all the nights in taraweeh even when the masjid crowds reduced.

She had work to do but still, she stayed up at night for Allah, pushed through because she wants to do what’s pleasing to Him.

Then the last 10 nights come and she gets her period.

Based on what you know about Allah, how do you think He will treat her?

Do you think Allah will deprive her of rewards she would’ve sought if it wasn’t for her period?

Ustadha Abeer gave this example of a generous woman who invites people to her home and made a spread for them, but one neighbor couldn’t make it because she was unwell.

What do you think the generous woman would do for the neighbor? She will send some food to the neighbor, because that’s her nature - she’s generous!

Humans are imperfect and flawed, but despite that, we see such amazing examples of kindness.

The generosity of Allah is incomparable.

The mercy a mother has for her child? Allah has greater.

The generosity we find between people? Allah’s generosity is far greater. His generosity is perfect and flawless, especially to His dedicated slaves.

Think of yourself as that dedicated slave, do you think Allah will give you the leftovers while everyone else gets rewarded?

You’re not left out, bi idhnillah, these last 10 days are for you too.

Think well of Allah.

Make du’a. Do a lot of ibadah. Show up to the best of your ability.

And in the end, bi idhnillah, you will walk away a winner.

Love + Du’a,
Maryam 💝