Today’s article is all about hypnic jerks. I will tell you what they are and how to interpret and approach them. With time, they will recede into the ether (although this can take substantial time). While you wait, let’s make them easy to deal with and, perhaps, enjoyable!

I also want you to know that hypnic jerks are something I experience daily. They are a remnant of the decades I spent with insomnia. I have gotten to the point that I am okay with them, and very slowly they are fading into the past.

Hypnic Jerks

First, let’s understand what hypnic jerks are. Hypnic jerks are nothing more than an involuntary reaction to the brain’s awareness of falling asleep. Before we get too deep, you should know that hypnic jerks are incredibly common. Nearly every person experiences them. Normally we do not notice them at all. For those who never experience insomnia, or never have, they can have just as many hypnic jerks as you have. In fact, most people remain completely unaware of them.

The second contributor to hypnic jerks is hyperarousal. When we are hyperaroused, the brain is in protection mode. It is actively scanning for threats. A change, especially a change that we have been concerned with for some time (sleeping!), can trigger this reaction by the brain. It’s the same as the brain telling you, “Hey, this is something you’ve been concerned about, and I am letting you know it is happening!”

The third contributor to hypnic jerks is awareness/meaning. When we struggle with sleep, we tend to notice things more. What we also tend to do is give things meaning that are, essentially, meaningless (like hypnic jerks). The mere act of noticing a hypnic jerk can trigger a long period of experiencing them. In addition to that, when we struggle to sleep, we tend to think that hypnic jerks are a problem. When we notice things more often (hyperarousal) and give them meaning (searching for answers/causes) we inadvertently identify them as problems to the brain. Once we do so, from that point on, they become a problem.

So, what can we do? I’ll tell you!

Hypnic Jerks - What do I do about them?

Great question. I am glad you asked!

First of all, like all things insomnia, they are not going to go away overnight. You are stuck with them for a while. And that’s okay! So, with that, let’s dive into this.

As always, the most important part of addressing these is understanding them. By reading this article, you have taken this first, crucial, important step. Congratulations!

What you should also know at this point is that once you have one, your reaction to it can determine how many and to what degree they trouble you for the rest of the night. By reacting with fear, by searching for ways to make them go away, you will just increase the frequency and severity of them. So, make a pact with yourself to befriend them.

Approaching these jerks in a healthy way takes practice. Right now, you may see them as a hindrance to sound sleep. You may see them as a problem. Let’s change that, okay?

Hypnic jerks are a sign your brain is transitioning into sleep. You may want to read that again! They are a good sign! I know you may not interpret them that way, but viewing them that way is so very helpful. Next time you have one, try reframing it. Remind yourself that hypnic jerks are a sign that your brain is going into sleep mode. If you’ve been worried about your ability to sleep and you are having hypnic jerks, the fact that you are having them is a sign that you can sleep! This should be welcome news for those of you who worry that you will never sleep again. Not to worry! Your brain does not forget!

Conflict

At the foundation of insomnia is conflict. I will dedicate another article to conflict, but many, if not most of the things that keep us awake are a result of conflict. You may be conflicted with whether or not to take medication. You may be conflicted about whether or not to get out of bed when you are having trouble falling asleep. You may be conflicted about many things. The fewer conflicts we have the more easily we will be able to sleep soundly.

Hypnic jerks are a common source of conflict. Why? Because we believe that they will keep us awake. And the last thing we want to think about is being awake. If we can learn to or work towards welcoming these hypnic jerks, we can eliminate a source of conflict. So, how can I learn to welcome them? I am sure you have some ideas. If you’ve been reading my articles, you may have more ideas! I will mention a couple here.

First, as I’ve said, the act of educating yourself about them will change the way you react to them. So, if you are reading this, know that you are already starting to change!

Secondly, each and every time you have one, purposely call it out for what it is: it is nothing more than a sign of transition into sleep. Also, temper your reaction to it. Each time you experience one, take a deep breath, remind yourself what it is, and then calmly focus on the positive aspects of it. This will take some practice, but with time, each and every time you have one it will not bother you. In fact, you may learn to appreciate them for what they are: proof you can sleep!

Bonus Material

What we should avoid is investigation. We don’t need to sit and think about hypnic jerks. We don’t need to worry if they’ll keep us awake. We don’t need to pay them much attention, if any, at all. The less attention you give them the better!

Here is a wonderful analogy for hypnic jerks that I learned in Sleep Coaching School:

Think of hypnic jerks as a pilot landing an airplane. Every time a pilot gets ready to land, there is always turbulence and there is always a ‘shock’ when the wheels touch the ground. However, this turbulence and the shock of landing is necessary to land the plane.

Think of hypnic jerks in the same way: they are a necessary part of falling asleep. Without them we would not be able to fall asleep!

Ultimately, we are trying to get to the point that we are not bothered by hypnic jerks. In other words, we are okay with them occurring. Again, this will not happen overnight, but with time, as we work, we will become less bothered by them and more accepting of them. One day you will wake up and realize that you haven’t thought about them in weeks or months. This is the way it usually happens!

In summary, I know hypnic jerks can be bothersome. I experience them almost daily. And I am just fine with that. As a matter of fact, last night I had one so jolting that I nearly fell out of bed! Thankfully I can laugh at that now!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I hope it has been helpful to you in some way, perhaps in understanding another common aspect of insomnia. If not, the next article will contain something completely different!

If you have a question or comment, feel free to leave it for me or reply to the email you receive about this article. I will get to it as soon as I can!

Daniel

Introduction and Background

When my insomnia was at its worst, I had debilitating anxiety. I am sure some of you can relate. It was awful. It was a living nightmare. I could barely function doing the most basic things: eating, working, even personal hygiene became difficult. It took me out of the moment. It was always there, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It affected every single thing I did. And no matter what I did, nothing helped. I cannot overstate just how awful it is. I am sure you can relate.

Because of the things you read and hear, and because of the way the medical community treats anxiety, I was of the firm opinion that it just was. I believed it was a condition - a disability I had. I believed that it was permanent. I believed the only way to treat it was through medication. Without medication, I was doomed to suffer even worse, I thought. I believed these things right down to my bone marrow. No matter what I was told, you could not convince me otherwise. I’d even argue for my own suffering. I was in a bad state. I was to the point where the mere thought of being anxious made me anxious. I was anxious about anxiety.

I started to develop coping strategies for it, just like insomnia. I started to change my behavior to avoid anxiety. I started doing things, anything, to relieve the anxiety. Soft music, scented oils, meditation, alternative therapies (e.g. ketamine), hypnosis, therapy… the list goes on and on. And, funnily enough, the more I tried, the more frustrated I got. With each new “method” I discovered, that I got excited about, it would up fruitless. Nothing worked. The more I tried, the more depressed I got.

So, if this is you and you can relate, please keep reading.

Anxiety

Eventually I got to the point that, well… I am not really sure what happened. It had been so very long suffering with it, I felt that I’d tried everything. I suppose I got to the point of giving up. Throwing my hands up in the air and saying, “I quit!” Some of you know this point.

It was at this point I discovered a YouTube video (I’ll link it at the end) by a guy named Tim Box. It was titled, “How to stop feeling anxious about anxiety”. It is a TED Talk. After watching the video, a light bulb started to illuminate. There was something there. It wasn’t so much any method of addressing it that I learned. It was the very nature of it that I found fascinating.

According to Tim (and I am paraphrasing), the best way to understand anxiety is by using a ship as an analogy. One of those old ships that had a lot of oars (and oarsmen).

Let’s take the ship as the analogy. You, your conscious mind, is like the Captain of the ship. You are in control of what happens to the ship. In many respects, the decisions you make can determine what happens to the ship.

Now, let’s talk about the subconscious. Your subconscious mind is like the Oarsmen of the ship. They are responsible for making the ship go. As the Captain, you generally have control of where the ship goes. You can tell the oarsman where to row and, most of the time, they will go there.

But… what if the oarsmen want to go somewhere, and you are trying to tell them to go somewhere else? In this case, there is a mismatch between where the oarsmen of the ship want to go and where you want to go. This is where anxiety occurs. The brain wants to go one way, and you want to go the other. There is a mismatch here. Your brain is desperately trying to get you to go somewhere, but you want to go somewhere else. The resulting feeling is anxiety.

Take a moment to think about that.

Your Brain is Trying to Tell you Something!

In other words, your brain is trying to communicate with you. It is trying to tell you something. The more you try and ignore it, the more you disregard it, the more you run and hide from it, the more it tries to tell you!

In other words, anxiety is very much like a screaming child. The more you ignore it, the louder it screams!

You see, your subconscious sometimes knows what it best for you. But unfortunately, it cannot talk to you. It has no other way to try and tell you something. As a result, you feel anxious. That is the feeling you have when your brain is desperately trying to talk to you, and you are not listening or getting the message. That’s all it is. Nothing more.

So, start listening!!

Disorder or Feeling?

You will often hear that anxiety is a disorder. That anxiety is just something that happens to you. Because… well, because. Now, in some very rare cases, that may be true. But where does that leave us? Where does that lead to? What are the implications of thinking of it like a disease of some sort? I’ll tell you: it means that, if you accept that you also accept that there isn’t much, if anything, you can do about it and you are destined to have it forever. How does that sound?

I cannot criticize you here! I thought this way for a long, long time. I believed it. And my behavior followed my thoughts. As it always does.

But what if we think about it as a feeling instead (as Tim states in his TED Talk)? If we consider it a feeling, we have options. Not only can we choose how to interpret that feeling, but we also know that it is temporary. Something temporary? That we can deal with!

In my humble opinion, anxiety is not a condition, disorder, disease, or anything like it. It is a feeling, and we must listen to it!

Listening to your Anxiety

Anxiety is incredibly uncomfortable. It makes life impossible to live for most of us. Let’s talk about changing that.

So, what is the message and how do we listen?

Great questions! Let’s talk about each of them:

What is the message?

The message is different for everyone. And, once you realize that anxiety is a form of communication rather than some sort of incurable disorder, things start to change. Interpreting the message can be difficult. Sometimes it is obvious (like, hey, you aren’t supposed to be doing that!), and sometimes it is buried. One of the more common sources of anxiety is control. When we are suffering, or when life is throwing a lot at us, we can inadvertently start trying to control everything. But we cannot control everything. In reality, we control very little, if anything at all. The subtle shift from control to acceptance can work wonders for anxiety.

When it isn’t control, it is usually something else. If you are unsure of the source of your anxiety, more specifically the message that your brain is trying to tell you, I encourage you to write about it. Grab a pad of paper and a pen and just write whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t matter what it is, just start writing! With a bit of work, you’ll narrow it down! It is a process!

How do we Listen?

This is the part I wanted to get to. Think about it: if you don’t listen to your anxiety, or your brain trying to communicate with you, it will just scream louder. If you run from it, hide from it, despise it, reject it, or otherwise try and make it go away in any way… it won’t go away. You have to listen.

There are numerous strategies for this. I will mention two of them here:

1. Simply acknowledge the feeling and accept it. You can accomplish this by gently talking to yourself. Acknowledge the anxiety, accept that it is there, accept that it is communication (and not a defect or disorder), and allow it to exist. That is important. Allow it to exist. Make space for it within you.

This will not work overnight, but it does work. Done repeatedly, over time, your brain will slowly get the message that you are listening. If it knows you are listening, the communication will slow down and eventually cease to exist because your brain knows you are getting the message. Listen to the oarsmen!

2. Make it a character (and make it funny!!!) This is my favorite one, and in almost every case, it works. I always suggest it to my coaching clients. This is how it works:

Next time that anxiety rises to the surface, take a moment. Don’t panic. Take a seat, or take a moment, and a step back, and acknowledge it. As you do, notice how it feels in your head, chest, arms, legs… anywhere you can feel it.

Next, wrap all of that up and give it a name. Make it a name of your choosing. Like Frank (if it is a guy) or Susie (if it is a woman) - no disrespect to Frank or Susan, just examples. Any name you choose.

Then, give it an image. Color its hair and give it a hairdo. Give it an outfit. Custom shoes, jeans, a skirt… knee high socks… anything. Give it an accent, painted nails, glasses, or any other feature you choose. Make it as custom and as detailed as you can. The more the better!

Finally, every time your anxiety shows up with all the associated feelings, greet it by name. Talk to it. Invite it in and invite it to stay. Offer it refreshments. Ask about its day. Ask it if it can stay. Laugh at it if you can. It helps!

Thes accomplishes numerous things at the same time. (1) It shows the brain you are listening to it. The mere act of saying “hi” to your anxiety is a strong signal you are listening. (2) It allows the feeling to exist. It shows the brain that it has room for it to communicate with you. (3) It takes some of the power away from it. By inviting it in and making space for it, it robs if of its power. No longer will it rule your life. You are allowing it to exist. As long as it knows it can exist, it won’t scream so loud.

Some people experience immediate relief practicing the last method. I did. It lost its immediate power over the course of a few days, as it does, but I continued. The more I welcomed it, the quieter it got and, eventually I woke up one morning a few months later and realized I no longer had ANY anxiety. This has happened to numerous clients of mine, and it is a wonderful thing to practice.

The last benefit is that is shows you that anxiety is harmless. No, it is not comfortable, but it is harmless. It cannot hurt you. It is just a message!

Here’s the YouTube link to the talk I mentioned above:

As always, I hope something in this article helped you. I hope that you connected with it in some way. I hope through work and education you are able to reduce and eliminate your anxiety.

I will return to my normal insomnia articles with the next one!

As Tim says: “I didn’t achieve this shift (getting rid of anxiety) by trying to get rid of it… You don’t get rid of anxiety by trying to get rid of it…”

“Anxiety is not an illness. Anxiety is an emotion.”

If you have a comment or question, please leave one for me or respond to the email. I will respond as soon as I can! Thank you all so very much for supporting me! Stay tuned!

Daniel

Introduction

There are different ways to define or understand insomnia. Ask ten different people what it is and you’ll get ten different answers. On the surface it seems almost impossibly complicated and confusing. In addition to that, many of the things we do actually add to our insomnia - efforts - and keep us awake rather than helping us drift off to sleep. Insomnia can be terrifying, and it often is for most. Why? Because we think it is something dire, or something that can hurt us or, ultimately, result in our demise. This is not the case. Thus, the approach of fearlessness has some benefits you may not be aware of.

The Choices we Have (Efforts)

Often, when considering options for insomnia, we are met by… passive options, or in other words, gently options. CBT-I, medications therapy, just to name a few.

In addition to that, most, if not all, of our efforts to sleep result in us staying awake. Why? because we cannot force ourselves to sleep. It is not a choice we make. It is involuntary and, most importantly, effortless. Efforts to coax or force us to sleep, although done so with good intentions, result in frustration and spending more time in wakefulness. The more we are awake the more terrified and concerned we get, which in turn keeps us up even more.

When people I speak to realize that their efforts result in being more awake, most insomnia sufferers can and do identify efforts they engage in that keep them awake. Eliminating these is an important step towards recovery.

But… we are awake and we have all this energy! What are we supposed to do with it all?!

The Fearless Way

I’d like you to take a moment to think: what sleep efforts do you currently engage in? Do you have a routine? Do you have habits that are supposed to help you sleep, such as avoiding blue light at night, not watching engaging things, meditative practices, avoiding caffeine? Do you avoid large meals at night, engage in strenuous exercise, or get morning sunlight? Do you have a strict diet, do you maintain a strict sleep schedule?

While most, if not all, of those things are not bad things (in fact, many are good, healthy habits!), if you engage in those things with the goal and intention of sleep, we call those sleep efforts. On their own, they are great habits. When they become part of your routine to try to sleep, they turn into efforts and, invariably, will keep you awake in the long run.

—> If you’ve identified any sleep efforts you have, one of the ways to work towards recovery is to stop or eliminate all of them. So, in this case, we’d stop our routines, we’d allow ourselves screen time at night, we’d stop doing all the things that we do to try and sleep. This is the Fearless Way.

At first, this may seem scary, even terrifying. Why? Well, two reasons: (1) We have learned, through experience, that all of these things are necessary for us to get the precious little sleep we get. And (2), they are the opposite of what our brain’s safety center tells us to do!

If this scares you, congratulations, you are human! It scared me half to death! But this method or approach of insomnia recovery is the only one in which you feel like you are fighting back! That feeling of fighting back can be incredibly powerful, and it gives you something to put your energy towards!

Important Note: It is important to point out that this method of approaching insomnia can be anxiety-producing and should be reserved only for those who find this approach attractive.

So, What Are we Actually Doing?

Two things:

1. 1. We are leaving the struggle to sleep by actively engaging in things that will allow us to grow. So, we leave the struggle to sleep behind in a decisive and determined way.

1. 2. By actively engaging in the Fearless Method, we will slowly show ourselves that all of the sleep efforts we have or had were not helping us. They were standing in our way of real sleep! In fact, we prove to ourselves that sleep efforts actually make little to no difference whatsoever when it comes to sleep.

Experiencing Discomfort

Another benefit of the fearless method is that, instead of running from or shying away from discomfort, the fearless method allows us to experience it. Over time, it shows us that discomfort is okay, and necessary for recovery!

Courage

Finally, when we engage in dropping sleep efforts and engaging in things that result in discomfort, we feel courageous. More importantly, these things are courageous. Do not sell yourself short on this. These things require courage.

Once you realize that you can do these things, and realize that experiencing discomfort is okay, will not hurt you, and will lead to you growing stronger as a person, you find a deep well of courage within you.

Doing so allows you to take back some of your agency. It allows you to engage in things, despite discomfort, that will help you. It allows you to take your life back, and nothing is more powerful than realizing that you can take your life back, And your sleep back!

Conclusion

If this approach does not resonate with you that’s okay. It will not resonate with everyone. But, if it does, I encourage you to try it. Yes, it will be scary and, yes, it may make you incredibly anxious. However, we do not grow as people without struggle.

The next articles will detail even more methods to approach insomnia, and I am sure you will find at least one with which you connect with!

Thank you, subscribers, friends, and insomnia sufferers for supporting this. As always, if you have a question, please leave me a comment and I will address it as soon as possible. Alternatively, you can respond to the email notification and I will get the message! (If you do not hear from me, nudge me - some of the email replies wind up in my spam folder and I do not see them!)

Daniel

In my last article I explored one of the ways we approach insomnia recovery, and that was through indifference. This article will establish the second approach we can take, befriending wakefulness.

When I first learned of this topic or approach, I was… well, I was more than surprised. Not shocked, but incredibly surprised. Like I’d just discovered a little buried treasure? Why? Because it was something I failed to realize and understand in the 25+ years of suffering with insomnia. Perhaps you will react similarly, or at the very least, take something of value from this article. Read on!

Classifying the Fear

We know already that for most, insomnia is largely a result of the brain’s survival response to a threat. It is logical: the brain feels threatened and as a result, tries to keep you awake in an attempt to provide you the greatest chance to survive. Sleep is the last thing the brain will do when its survival is in question.

So, once we know that, we know that we have a fear of not sleeping. Not sleeping is what we fear most. Lying in bed, wide awake, terrified. Thoughts swirling, anxiety through the roof, imagining all the ways in which we will suffer from a lack of sleep. Let’s classify that fear: not sleeping is the same as being awake, so, in reality, what we have is a fear of being awake.

If it takes you a moment to wrap your head around that, that’s okay. It took me a moment. Once I thought about it though, it became pretty clear. Now that we have an understanding of the fear we really have, let’s look at it a different way.

Wakefulness

We spend the majority of our lives awake. It is when all the wonderful things happen to us, as well as when we suffer the most. Wakefulness is also the only thing that can truly cause us to sleep. The longer we are awake, the more sleep drive we build. So, no matter how you look at it, being awake is a good thing.

When we suffer from insomnia, we turn being awake into a negative thing. We don’t want to be awake. We see it as bad, as unhealthy, as a roadblock to living and enjoying our lives. And here is where we need to catch ourselves and reframe wakefulness.

In this case, and inadvertently, we’ve also sent a signal to our brain that being awake is a threat. We’ve done so by our reaction to being awake. What is the prescription? We need to show our brains that being awake is not a threat. In fact, we need to show our brains that being awake is safe.

How do we do that? First and foremost, recognizing that you are thinking this way is an enormous first step. Often, just knowing this is enough ammunition to start making positive changes towards safety. One of the simplest things you can do to show your brain you are safe is doing something you enjoy. Purposely engaging in something you enjoy. Yes, doing something you enjoy is more difficult when you’re exhausted and fed up, but it is crucial to get in the habit of doing.

Also remember, we cannot directly talk to our brain’s safety center. So, how do we talk to it? Repeatedly doing things that reinforce what we want it to learn. It won’t happen overnight, but with repetition, your brain will get the message.

Commonly, I ask clients what types of movies they enjoy. I get a range of answers, but my response to them is to suggest that, when they are awake in bed, turn the clock around and play a movie genre they really, really enjoy. This is one of the many ways we can show the brain we are safe when we are awake.

—> The most common question I get next is, “But Daniel, if I watch a movie, won’t watching that movie just make me more awake”!?

—> Well, possibly. But here is the thing: That question proves that you have a fear of being awake. Think about it: if you’re scared of doing something that will make you more awake, you have a fear of being awake! That question turns into a great teaching moment, and it is a way for people to really understand their fear through their own actions and reactions.

I know that may come as a surprise and, possibly, you may not want to admit it at first. Either way, it is okay. The point here is education. Education and knowledge, which will in turn change your behavior.

If that is scary for you to do (turn on a movie when you really want to be asleep), put it in perspective: (1) You are going to be awake anyway, so you may as well do something you enjoy. Or (2), if you had two options, lying in bed terrified or watching a movie you enjoy, which one makes more sense?

I had to do this with myself at first for it to make sense. But once I started it became a lot easier.

What else can you do to befriend wakefulness? Anything you enjoy. Anything. The point is to repeatedly show the brain you are safe while you are awake. This includes thoughts and actions. Both matter and both make a difference. So, start engaging in and doing things you enjoy. Just start doing it.

Forward

Whenever those thoughts of fear creep in, remind yourself how wonderful it is to be awake. Remind yourself how grateful you are just to be alive. You have the greatest gift ever given: life and the opportunity to experience it. Life is good. You have food to eat, a roof over your head, and you are still breathing, which means more is right with you than is wrong with you.

It takes time. If you are someone who is so down and exhausted and you cannot possibly think of anything enjoyable to do (this was me!!), think back to when you slept well and choose something you enjoyed when you slept well. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, you still enjoy it; it’s just hidden by the exhaustion. It’s still there and it will be such a great reminder of what you enjoy and who you are.

You CAN do this. It takes effort, patience, repetition, grace, and dedication, but you CAN do it. Your brain never forgets how to sleep. It is one of, if not the most, basic function you have. It is wired in. It cannot be unwired.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I sincerely hope you took something from this article. If you did not, please stay tuned, another approach to follow!

And, finally, as usual, if you have a question about sleep or insomnia, or a comment, please leave it here and I will reply to it as soon as possible.

Hang in there. Sleep will improve. And you will return to your normal, wonderful self.

Daniel

After some inner deliberation on how best to proceed with this Substack, I’ve settled on publishing a series of articles highlighting the different ways coaches guide people through insomnia recovery. In this way I am able to share insights that will, hopefully, fan the flame of recovery for you. At the very least I hope to provide you something you can use on a day-to-day basis to focus on recovery.

I will use methods I learned in my coaching certification as well as those I’ve begun to develop as I continue to learn and grow as a coach. This series will cover, at most, 10 articles (probably fewer), so there will not be an overload of information. I will organize them by topic/method to make it easier to come back and read should you need to remind yourself of anything.

Introduction

Let me ask you something, and please take a moment to consider the following question:

If you don’t care about your sleep, at all, would it be possible to have insomnia?

Typically, the people who suffer most from insomnia are the same people who care deeply about their sleep. Let’s consider that for a moment. If you didn’t care about your sleep, you wouldn’t worry about it, you wouldn’t fear not getting it, you wouldn’t think about it, you wouldn’t even keep track of it. You wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t have insomnia because you’d have nothing to fear.

Let’s dig a little deeper though, before introducing indifference. Yes, we care about our sleep. And no, we don’t have to stop. But what do we really care about? We care about the outcome of our sleep. We care about what happens when we don’t sleep. We care about our health, our focus, our moods and emotions, our energy levels and ability to interact. We care about our relationships, about our ability to laugh, about our ability to enjoy life. All those things are related to the outcome of your night of sleep. More on that later.

Indifference

So, what is the opposite of caring so much? Indifference.

When we usually hear the word ‘indifference’, it doesn’t usually carry a positive connotation. We don’t strive to be indifferent about much, if anything. It isn’t something we sit and work towards. And that’s usually okay.

Remember, however, that most things with insomnia are paradoxical. For instance, the more we try to sleep, the less sleep we get. Our desire to control sleep invariably leads to a loss of control of our own lives. There are many examples of this with insomnia. I only mention these to make a point.

With the paradoxical nature of insomnia, indifference becomes something desirable. It becomes something useful to us in recovery, to change our reaction to danger.

So, let’s take a moment to explore how we can use indifference to aid in our recovery. We already know that for a large portion of us, insomnia is a result of the brain’s response to a threat. It purposely keeps us awake in an attempt to help us fight or escape. If we are always thinking “Danger!” when we are awake at night, our brain will always get that message.

Because we have a conditioned response to a threat, and because we have consistently reacted to being awake like it is a threat, there is a well-worn path in our brains that gets triggered when we cannot sleep. So, what do we need to do? We need to forge a new path purposely.

And yes, we can do this! No, you do not have to stop caring about sleep. What we must do is change our reaction from danger to indifference. We don’t have to ignore it or run from it. Rather, we must acknowledge it and say… “So what”?

Does this sound too simple? It certainly can. However, every time we make the choice to respond with “Oh well” or “Whatever” when the brain is signaling DANGER, we can slowly and confidently show our brains that there is nothing to fear.

I am telling you that you have a choice. Yes, you can sit and worry, and that is a very natural thing to do (don’t blame yourself if you have, it is a natural reaction!). But where will that get you?

Instead, next time you are awake, or your brain is telling you ‘Danger!’ - take a moment and respond:

Say it out loud:

“Oh well” or “Whatever”

“So what if I don’t sleep?”

“So what?”

“So what!”

Try that.

No, it will not make an immediate difference. However, over time, it will naturally form a new neural pathway that your brain can take. You have to show it the way to safety. And you can do that. With time, you’ll notice that it isn’t so intense. You’ll notice small changes at first, and those small changes will add up to a big change.

Insomnia recovery requires purposeful and intentional action to show your brain that you are safe. As you do, day after day, it will start to get the point, and you will form a new relationship with yourself. You will realize just how much agency you have in this. And you will be so very grateful for it.

As always, thank you so much for your support. I hope you learned something from this. If you have not, stay tuned, there are a number of other articles to come that you will learn something from as we walk the path towards recovery.

If you have a question or comment, please leave me one. Alternatively, you can respond to an email from me and ask me anything. I will respond as soon as I am able to.

Be well, and stay tuned!

Daniel

Fear stops you from living.

Those two short sentences were so important in my own insomnia recovery. They were a constant reminder of the role that fear plays not only in insomnia, but the role it plays in our reaction to insomnia. The way in which we design our lives around our sleep. In hindsight, it really didn’t matter and only hurt me more.

(I meant to get this out sooner, but I got really sick and I am just now able to sit down and write. My apologies!!)

Welcome to Part II of the subscriber request about convincing the brain we are safe. In the last article, Part I, I briefly reviewed insomnia (insomnia in a nutshell), and I described the mostly inadvertent ways in which we reinforce signals to the brain that we are unsafe. If you have not read that article, please do so before reading this one. There is a lot of important information in there and it is necessary for a full understanding.

Showing the Brain we are Safe

When we are in the throes of insomnia, as I described in my previous article, I discussed how we inadvertently reinforce the idea that we are unsafe when we do not sleep enough. Now I will discuss how we can turn that around.

Before I do that, I want to mention one thing: when we realize that we must make changes to the way we think and behave, we need to identify thought patterns and behavior patterns that keep our brains in protection mode, or the mode of feeling threatened. Some of these are obvious, and some are not so obvious. It can take time to identify them, so if you are drawing a blank, please do not worry. You will identify them as you go!

1. Living Your Life / Resume Normal Life

This is a step in recovery that can take time. When we suffer from a lack of sleep, we tend to stay in, avoid social situations, avoid spending time with family and friends, all in an effort to conserve energy and allow ourselves the maximum opportunity to sleep. On the surface, this sounds like a great idea. However, as we will see, it actually does more harm than good.

And, if you’re saying, “Yeah Daniel, easy for you to say” or “Yeah, easier said than done” - I hear you. Insomnia is terrifying, I know. It is so very hard, when we are so tired and exhausted in every possible way, to force ourselves to get up and get out. I understand this. But it is important to do. No, you do not have to do it all at once. You can start slow, perhaps one day a week, by doing something fun or enjoyable when you would normally stay in or stay away from enjoyable things. It is scary, yes. The important thing is that you do it. Even if for 30 minutes at first. Just take a small step forward. Some people call these “micro-moments” - small things you do or resume, like taking a 10-minute walk, that will reinforce safety and enjoyment.

Sometimes we have to face our deepest fears slowly. If this is you, that is okay! Just start somewhere. A return to safety takes time and repetition. It will not happen overnight or the first time you do it. But it will happen with repeated efforts towards living again.

One thing that really helped me was thinking of it in a different way: instead of thinking of it as something I did or didn’t want to do, I thought about it as “allowing” myself to do again. I realized I’d spent so much time and energy on trying to sleep I’d eliminated everything fun from my life. I “allowed” myself to do enjoyable things again. This subtle shift in thinking made a huge difference because, at first, everything I tried to resume I didn’t like. I had to think back to what I used to like before insomnia and use those things as a starting point.

2. Changing Your Thought From “Oh, No!” to “Oh well”

What do you think when you imagine yourself not sleeping, or something in your life without sleep? Is it some version of “Oh, No!” - If so, you can change this.

If you are anything like me, the “Oh, no!” thoughts were endless. I was terrified of everything. Including simply getting out of bed. If this is you, know you are okay.

The “Oh, no!” reaction becomes automatic with enough time. It doesn’t take long. If you automatically think this, that is okay! It is normal. It is human and it is what we all do. The point here is to catch yourself doing it and correct it. At first, you may just notice it more. Often, awareness comes before change or effort towards change. Every time you notice yourself reacting this way, you can stop yourself and reframe it. Simply saying “Stop!” works quite well. That is one of many ways you can interrupt the loop and reframe it.

For those of you who value evidence: how many nights have you lay awake, terrified, of something bad happening? 100, 1000, 10,000 or more? And how many of those times has something bad actually happened? I’m not talking about little things like forgetting something or saying something silly. I’m talking about the truly terrifying things you imagine. Any at all? What has all that fear and worry gotten you? Are you alive and breathing? Okay, now we are getting somewhere.

Each and every time you catch yourself catastrophizing, saying “Oh, no!” - stop the loop, and say it out loud: “Oh well”.

3. Similarly, change “What if” to “What Now”?

Just as above, when we are scared, it is easy to think “What if”. This journey towards recovery takes some action on your part, some effort to show the brain that you are safe. As an example, let’s say you are thinking of joining some friends, but you are exhausted or tired. You may think, “What will they think?” or “What if I show up and I’m not funny or fun to be around?” Instead of these thoughts, replace them with “I’ll just show up, authentically, and we’ll see what happens”.

This is vital because when we are constantly thinking “What if” we are keeping ourselves in a loop of constant danger. “What Now” changes that.

In the same respect, when we are thinking “What if” we are keeping ourselves in an imaginary future. “What Now” allows us to move forward without fear. We cannot predict the future nor do we know it. The best way to meet the future is when it occurs, not before it occurs. The phrase “I’ll cross that bridge when I get there” is a perfect example.

Don’t imagine your future self on a shaky bridge. Cross that bridge when you get there.

4. Grounding Your Body and Safety Cues

One of the easiest things you can do to reinforce safety is to ground yourself in the moment. Place both of your feet on the ground, your hands together, relax your shoulders, and take a deep breath. Remind yourself you are safe. Say to yourself:

“I am here now, safe, with my feet grounded and breathing”

When you pair your words with sensory feelings, you really reinforce the message to your brain.

Affirmations can help a lot here too. Simply repeating to yourself “I am safe” can be a very powerful phrase if used daily, and often.

5. Doing it Anyway (Saying **** It)

I saved this one for last because it can be the most difficult, but incredibly effective. When we suffer from insomnia, trying to conserve our energy, making sure we do nothing that could affect sleep… we can become frightened of doing the most mundane things that we’d normally not think about. A couple examples are drinking caffeine later in the day and watching a scary movie late at night.

Both of these things can cause us to think “Well if I do that, I know I won’t sleep!”

This statement is so often not true at all. As a reminder, sleep is both effortless and involuntary. To a normal person, caffeine and scary movies may keep them up a little later, but they will certainly not result in a full night of no sleep.

So, if there is something that you’ve identified that may inhibit your sleep in some way, something that you’d like to do that you’re scared of doing because you believe it will cause you not to sleep… just do it anyway and worry about it later!

By doing this repeatedly, you will slowly show yourself that you have nothing to fear whatsoever. You will regain your agency.

This is something I did with caffeine. I can remember looking at the clock and thinking “If I take a sip of Coke right now, I may not sleep at all!”

This thought was so inaccurate. One night, I just said, “Screw it” and did it anyway.

At some point in your journey, you may become sick and tired of being scared of everything, and this can be such a powerful way to break the cycle and separate your silly fears from reality.

Final Thoughts

These exercises and methods are generic. Each person will find something different useful or not useful. Use your creativity here. When you identify a false belief or thought or a behavior that may be keeping your brain from feeling safe, take steps to change it.

As a reminder, these things take repetition. I see people, all too often, start doing the right things but giving up after a week or two because they see no progress. Please do not do that to yourself.

Every time you choose to think positively, every time you do something you enjoy, every time you remind yourself of your safety, you take a small step forward towards sleeping again.

One small step at a time.

I hope something in this article resonates with you. As usual, if you have a question or something you’d like me to address, please leave me a comment and I will get to it as soon as possible. Thank you so much for your support.

Next article out very soon (and fingers crossed I get to feeling better!)

-Daniel

Recently, one of my subscribers left a question on one of my recent articles? The question was:

“How do we convince the brain that we are safe? ‘Speaking logically’ doesn’t do it for me.”

This is something that I have been meaning to address. However, it is a question that has a substantial answer that will take more than one article, so we will start with a recap of the condition of insomnia, then delve into some of the ways in which we keep ourselves suffering, and finally ways in which we can start to turn towards safety and, eventually, recovery.

Insomnia in a Nutshell

At the root of insomnia is fear. Insomnia can be said to be synonymous with fear, meaning they are, essentially, one and the same thing. Insomnia, most commonly, is a result of our reaction to poor sleep. We inadvertently activate our brain’s safety center (fight or flight, aka hyperarousal), causing the brain to try and keep us alive in response to a threat (not sleeping, aka being awake). However, I do not want you to blame yourself for this. It is human and natural reaction to not sleeping. Sleep is vital to our lives, so the response is understandable. Take a moment to give yourself a hug.

That said, we can move on to reinforcing the threat.

Reinforcing the Threat - How it Starts

Let’s consider a situation we are all familiar with: we are lying in bed, wide awake, unable to sleep. The fear creeps in. The thoughts start to swirl. The anxiety starts to spiral. We think, “Why can’t I sleep?! It is one of the most basic human functions. Why can’t I do it?! What is wrong with me?!” And so on, like that. I am sure you are all aware.

If this situation goes on, night after night, day after day, week after week, we naturally start searching for ways to ‘fix’ the problem. As human beings, it is natural to seek solutions to a problem when we encounter one. A quick Google search will yield innumerous sleep hygiene practices. If you look a little deeper, you’ll find tips and tricks, and “quick fixes” that promise a speedy turnaround. You may find a “7-day sleep reset” or something similar. You’ll find all sorts of ideas, methods, behaviors, gadgets, products, and supplements to help you ‘fix’ your insomnia. They are endless.

The problem is that almost all of the recommendations deal with sleep hygiene, which can (and sometimes does) help with poor sleep. However, they won’t make a dent in insomnia. After you’ve tried enough, you start to get a bit more desperate. Instead of trying the newest sleep remedy or supplement, you start to change your behaviors. We start to design our lives, every waking moment, around sleep. This is where we really start to get ourselves into hot water.

Reinforcing the Threat - What we Signal to our Brains

Remember: at the core or foundation of most insomnia is fear. Before we discuss dealing with fear, it is vital to discuss how we reinforce the threat that the brain has already identified.

1. Negative Beliefs/Catastrophizing: Have you ever had any of the following thoughts?

“If I don’t fall asleep now…”

“If I don’t sleep, I will get sick”

“How will I manage if I don’t get enough sleep?”

“I will not be able to perform / get fired if I don’t sleep.”

I could probably list hundreds of these, purely from my own mind. These thoughts and beliefs create a mental narrative that equates not sleeping with failure. We are telling our brains that not sleeping is a failure, further reinforcing the danger.

2. Clock-Watching

How often have you laid in bed watching the clock, or maybe your watch? How often have you turned over in bed and glared at the clock, only to see that you’ve been up for another hour, and you had terrible thoughts about not getting the sleep you need? When we watch the clock, we are telling our brains that we are counting down to disaster. How do you think the brain will react to counting down to a disaster? It will prepare you for the disaster by activating your fight or flight response.

3. Staying in instead of going out: One of the most common things insomnia sufferers do is to ‘stay in’ to allow more opportunity to sleep. They have the belief that conserving energy will help them the next day or help them to stay healthy. This is mostly untrue. On the surface, however, this makes sense and is logical. It is something I did for many, many years. However, what are we telling our brains? We are signaling our brains that there is a threat out there, and we must prepare for it. How do you think your brain prepares for a threat? It activates fight or flight.

4. The Nighttime Routine

Do you have a nighttime routine? I did. It started the moment I got home from work and continued until I laid my head on my pillow. Everything I did after work was somehow geared towards sleep, or promoting sleep. In this way, we slowly start to design our lives around sleep and only sleep. We stop doing things, stop living, and further communicate to the brain that there is danger. When we have a long routine, we are telling our brain that we must prepare for something drastic that has consequences. In this way, we further reinforce the idea of a threat to our brain’s safety center, and it stays in protection mode.

5. Worrying/Overthinking/Rumination

When we worry about sleep we trigger the brain’s stress response. When we overthink or overcomplicate, when we ruminate about sleep we trigger the brain’s stress response. When we activate the brain’s stress response, our heart rate increases, our muscles tense, and we produce cortisol. All of these responses mimic a threat, signaling to the brain that there is a threat present and connecting it to not sleeping (being awake). Remember, the brain’s safety center does not differentiate between threats, it only identifies them! So, anything that looks like a threat, smells like a threat, or mimics a threat, is a threat!

6. Feeling Helpless

I hesitate to mention this, as it is a sensitive subject. And this may not fit into this category neatly, but I think it is important here. When we relinquish our agency over change, when we declare we have no say in our fate, we are signaling to the brain that we are doomed. Now, this may not end up as a threat, but it does severely limit our capacity for recovery. This may belong in a different article, but I thought it important to mention here as it is a common contributing factor in insomnia.

Do not Blame You

If you’ve read this and you’ve realized that, in some way, you’ve been holding yourself back, or you’ve realized that you’ve been contributing to your own insomnia, that is okay! It is not a bad thing at all! Yes, I know it may be a tough realization to admit or make peace with, but I want you to know that this knowledge is crucial to recovery. Without it, you will stay in the same loop you are already in and continue to struggle with sleep. So, if you’ve identified something you do that you don’t like or has hurt you, reframe it as something you want to change, and can change! Congratulations! This is an important step in the recovery process!

There are many, many ways in which we reinforce the idea or presence of a threat to our brains. Many more than I could list here. I wanted to list some of the more common ones so that it would resonate with you. And, if it did, give yourself a pat on the back! You have taken a huge step forward!

The Next Article

In the next article, we will discuss some myths about insomnia as well as some facts. We will also start talking about sleep efforts in general, and skim the surface of things you can do to show the brain that you are safe, although after reading this, you may have some ideas of your own.

In Closing

The return to safety is not an overnight process. It takes time and effort, patience, dedication, and a lot of self-love and acceptance. If you feel short in any of these categories, that is okay. I will help you through all of these!

As always, if you have a comment or question, please leave it here and I will respond as soon as I am able to! Please stay tuned! I will publish the next article in a day or two to continue this topic!

With gratitude,

Daniel

We all know our own perspective when we are awake and just cannot seem to sleep. The worry, the fear, the terror, the endless thoughts, the anxiety… all of it. However, let’s take a moment to look at it from the perspective of the brain, specifically the brain’s safety center.

Not Asleep = Being Awake

From this point on, I will refer to not sleeping as being awake, as they are the same thing. It is important to understand this before we delve into the brain’s perspective.

A Brief Introduction - an important note!

Before I talk about the brain’s perspective, I want to remind you of something. When we lay in bed, awake, when we want to be sleeping. we can start to worry and panic.

When we start to worry and panic, whatever that looks like for each person, we inadvertently send the brain a signal that we are in danger. The more we worry, fear, think, plan, catastrophize… the more the brain gets the signal that we are in danger.

—> When we do that, we tell the brain that being awake is a threat to us, and thus to our survival.

This is crucial to understand because it forms the basis of what I am about to talk about.

The Brain’s Perspective

Have you ever seen a movie where a person is walking alone, in the dark, and suddenly they see someone walking towards them? Maybe it is in an alley, or on a desolate road somewhere. The music picks up, and the person starts to notice subtle clues about the person walking towards them. Perhaps they have something in their hand, perhaps their body language suggests a threat, perhaps their face is obscured, and they cannot make out what they look like.

Either way, as the person approaches, a lot starts to happen to the person in fear. Their endocrine system starts to release adrenaline and norepinephrine. The muscles tense and blood is redirected to the brain and the muscles. Digestion slows, and any non-essential survival function is put on hold. The person’s reflexes improve, and their awareness heightens. Their brains are preparing them to fight or run. It is giving them the maximum opportunity to defeat or escape the threat.

Guess what? The brain’s safety center cannot tell the difference between the person walking towards you in the dark with bad intentions or being awake. To your survival center, those two things are the same thing.

Your brain reacts the same way whether you are walking alone in the dark and see someone approaching you, whether you are walking in the woods and stumble upon a 1500-pound hungry grizzly bear with her cubs, or whether you cannot sleep and react.

This is what the brain sees. It sees a stranger, a grizzly bear. It sees a threat to its survival.

The Tale of Two Situations

The first situation: Let’s return to the stranger walking towards you in the alley. Let’s say that was you. As you approach them, frightened, prepared to fight or run… suddenly, the moment you are about to cross paths with them, you see their face and… it’s your best friend you haven’t seen in ages! And they have flowers for you! It wasn’t a danger at all, they just wanted to surprise you!

In this situation, the moment you react to seeing a loved one, the brain immediately cancels the fight or flight. The sense of relief you feel is immense. It takes some time, but you eventually settle down, your breathing and heart rate return to normal, the hormones make their way out of your blood stream, and you return safety. You are safe!

The Second Situation: Let’s return to the alley, before encountering the stranger. Just to illustrate my point, let’s say you have to relive the moments up to recognizing your friend over and over, but you never get to recognize your friend. You are in a loop, constantly in a state of fear, identifying a threat, preparing to fight or run.

This is what precisely what happens with insomnia: the fear of being awake is a perceived threat, so it never goes away. It cannot be defeated or run from. You are in a constant state of hyperarousal and threat detection. Because the threat never goes away, you never get to experience the relief of recognizing your friend and realizing that you are safe. You are in a constant state of fear and hyperarousal!

Survival

Now that we understand the brain’s perspective a little better, I want to link this fully to insomnia. When the brain feels threatened, the last thing it wants to do is sleep. It is desperately trying to help you survive! It is doing everything it can to help you identify threats (racing thoughts), keeping you on edge in case you have to act.

Sleep in a situation of danger will be much more difficult to achieve. When the brain feels threatened, all it is focused on is keeping you alive. Insomnia is a sign that your brain’s survival center is working well (as terrible as insomnia feels)!

In Closing, Back to the Brain

When the brain feels threatened, we know what happens. However, when the brain never gets to experience the relief of a passing threat, it stays on edge. The neurotransmitters responsible for preparing you to fight or run are constantly released, resulting in a slow buildup of cortisol (a very common complaint with insomnia sufferers). Your non-essential survival bodily functions are not as active, resulting in digestion issues (another common complaint of insomnia sufferers).

Have you ever experienced stress for a prolonged time? Let’s say worrying about getting fired, or perhaps the stress of divorce or separation. What do you experience? When we are exposed to high stress for extended periods, we can experience practically any symptoms. Muscle twitches, tingling, numbness, brain fog, confusion, social anxiety, weakness, mood changes, motivation issues, digestion issues, racing thoughts… the list goes on and on.

So, if you are suffering from insomnia and you have unexplained symptoms, they are very likely just due to prolonged exposure to stress. I can remember so many strange symptoms along the way. My digestion issues were so bad I had to have a colonoscopy! Turned out nothing was wrong, but stress does strange things to you!

====================

Thank all of you so much for reading this article. I wanted to make a point by comparing a scary situation to what the brain experiences when it feels threatened to try and help you make the connection between insomnia and fear. I wanted to offer you a practical example of something you can relate to in order to explain the nature of insomnia. To help you take some of the mystery out of the condition because it is so misunderstood.

As usual, if you have a comment or question or something you’d like me to discuss, please leave me a comment and I will do so as soon as possible!

Stay tuned and thank you for reading!

“What I find is that when I am starting to fall asleep- you know drift into visual worlds and become unaware of my surroundings, my brain will suddenly become aware I am doing this, like I become the watcher rather than the doer. So all my sleep has an alertness to it and does not feel completely Unconscious. Reminds me of times in the past of drinking alcohol - shallow sleep. I want to get back to Unconscious restorative sleep. I'm not sure what I should try.. I'm aware of the issue, tried herbs, drugs, I use a white noise machine. I don't know if it's a chemical issue I need to consider, or hypnosis or EMDR. I'm so tired of not sleeping well :(“

Unfortunately, this is a common problem with insomnia sufferers, and it can be confusing and troubling, especially when we care so much about sleep and place so much value on it. However, there is a perfectly simple, even elegant explanation for this, as well as a path towards overcoming it.

Monitoring and Hyper Sleep

What the subscriber described above is two-fold. It describes what we refer to as “hyper sleep”, as well as something the brain does involuntarily when we experience insomnia, called “Monitoring”.

Hyper Sleep

If you’ve been keeping up with my articles, you know that the majority of insomnia boils down to a condition of hyperarousal. When we have trouble sleeping, our reactions can inadvertently signal the brain that we are in danger, or that there is a threat present. What is that threat? Being awake (aka not sleeping, one and the same!). When we identify being awake as a threat, the more we are awake (i.e. the more we are unable to sleep), the more the brain gets the signal that we are in danger. As a response, it activates fight or flight mode to help us survive (fight or run). Because being awake is not a real threat (instead, a perceived threat), it cannot be defeated or escaped from, so the threat is always there. What is the result? We are always in fight or flight mode, or hyperaroused.

When we are constantly hyperaroused, we can experience hyper sleep. Hyper sleep is usually indicated by vivid dreams and/or no dreams, and the feeling that we really haven’t slept though time has passed. It is also called shallow sleep. It can feel like we time travelled but were awake the entire time. Sleep may not have that “refreshing” feeling, or we may not feel like we actually slept. This is one of the effects that hyperarousal has on us: light, fragmented sleep that is not refreshing. This is very common, and there is nothing wrong with you if and when you experience this. It is part of insomnia.

Monitoring

Another side effect of insomnia, so to speak, is the brain’s condition of monitoring. Think about it: when we are having trouble sleeping, what is the natural response at night when we think we should be sleeping? Constantly monitoring ourselves to see if we are asleep!

In addition to monitoring to see if we are asleep, we must keep in mind that the brain thinks there is a threat somewhere. So what does it do? It constantly monitors its surroundings, to include feelings, sights, and sounds in an attempt to identify a threat. This is exactly what is happening to the subscriber when they describe their brain “suddenly becoming aware I am falling asleep” or becoming the “watcher rather than the doer” or that “shallow sleep” like after drinking alcohol.

I’d like to point a few things out about the comment and offer a few suggestions to work our way past this phenomenon.

Trying

What stand out to you most about the subscriber’s comment? For me, one thing that really stands out is the phrase “I am not sure what I should try”.

Now, I am not criticizing or judging here. I am using this as a teaching moment. When we struggle with sleep, one of the most common “solutions” we implement is “trying”, or “efforts”.

Remember, any effort to sleep will invariably keep you awake. When we try and force ourselves to sleep, we wind up getting frustrated, which in turn increases our struggle and then hyperarousal. That will just keep us awake. This is something I did for decades. I “tried” everything, and nothing worked. It is only when I let go of trying that I started to see progress. So, please be careful with trying anything to sleep. It will not work. Real sleep is effortless!

Awareness

Often, just becoming aware of the reasons behind hyper sleep and monitoring can really take some stress and worry away from us. Usually, in my experience, I find that once a person becomes aware of the reason something is happening, it is only a matter of time that it gets resolved. This is why education is a cornerstone of insomnia recovery: the more we know and understand about sleep and insomnia, the more we can implement helpful strategies to recover from it and teach our brains we are safe again.

The Timeless Window

I am now going to introduce a helpful concept in the journey towards sleeping again. We call it “The Timeless Window”. This is not a time for sleep or sleep efforts. It is a time we set aside before bed where we become unaware of the time and allow ourselves to do something enjoyable and not worry about what time it is.

One of the most common roadblocks with insomnia recovery is time. If we are constantly monitoring what time it is, we are just reminding ourselves that we are not asleep yet. This only serves to make us more anxious and thus more awake. It never helps.

What I normally suggest is that a person choose a time at night, say an hour or two before they’d normally like to fall asleep or get into bed. At the preferred time, the person eliminates all sources of knowing the time. A person can turn clocks off, turn them around, or put them in another room. A person can remove their watch or fitness device. Simply taking steps to not know the time.

At first, this can be intimidating. Especially when we always need to know the time, whether it be in our normal daily routine or for other reasons. If you find yourself nervous about it, that’s okay. Give it a try and see how it goes.

What do we do during this “time”? Anything we want to do. This time is for us to do something we enjoy. Putting a puzzle together, watching a movie we’ve been wanting to watch, or perhaps drawing or painting. As long as you enjoy it, that is all that matters.

The Timeless Window is not to prepare for sleep. It is for YOU and YOU only. Be selfish with it. Take it all to yourself. Turn your phone off or put it in another room. Turn the clocks around. Just allow yourself to enjoy some time to yourself. It works, and it works really, really well.

Personally, when I was recovering, I gave myself 3-4 hours. I found that I could still determine the time by knowing how long shows or movies were, so I’d give it enough of a window to where I couldn’t be certain. At first, it was uncomfortable, but after a night or two, I started to understand why I was doing it. I started to not care so much about the time. It really works wonders.

As a bonus and to relate back to the subscriber’s comment, if we don’t know the time, we cannot monitor the time. It takes a big chunk out of the monitoring game!

Finally

There are other ways to slowly walk away from monitoring. One, and something I did religiously, is to write my concerns down on a piece of paper. I’d then put it where I could touch it and see it and I’d tell myself, “Everything you are worried about is literally right there. You can put it away for now, you won’t forget!”

A second way is to simply remind your brain that it is safe. It doesn’t have to monitor because it isn’t in danger. It can allow itself to relax and remind it that falling asleep is enjoyable. In the same way, if you find yourself with your eyes closed monitoring whether or not you are asleep, you can simply say to yourself, “You don’t have to do that” and that usually helps a bit.

However, as I said, once a person becomes aware of the reasons for monitoring, it has a way of resolving. It takes time and will not happen overnight, as it is a pattern in the brain. However, it will happen. You can count on that.

I hope this article was helpful in some way to you and my apologies for taking 3 days to get this out! I have been busy with projects and things. As always, if you have a question or comment that I can answer, please leave it and I will get to it as soon as possible. Thank you so much for reading! Be well and stay tuned!

On the surface, acceptance sounds easy. However, once we start thinking about it, it can seem a daunting task. In addition to this, how often have you heard,

“All you have to do is accept it!”

-Or-

“Just accept it and things will be better!”

Or some form of these two phrases? For some of you, it probably has been in the back of your mind for some time. For others, you may have heard it so many times that it goes in one ear and out the other. What promises to be the answer often turns into a cliche saying. In this article I hope to take some of the mystery out of it.

The trouble usually is that either (1) the person who says this to you doesn’t quite grasp the concept (but means well!), or (2) it is not explained enough to have any effect on you. Both of things are okay as the intention is almost always uttered with good intentions.

Before I talk about what acceptance is, let me discuss what acceptance isn’t.

What Acceptance “Isn’t”

Acceptance isn’t resignation. It isn’t simply saying “Oh well” and giving up or giving in. Many times, it is taken as such, and that doesn’t really help. You are not resigning yourself to suffering because nothing can be done.

Acceptance isn’t a passive acknowledgment of your circumstances. It isn’t throwing your hands in the air and saying, “Well, there isn’t anything I can do, I may as well…”

Acceptance isn’t not caring. When we decide not to care about something, we can disengage emotionally. While that may be helpful in certain situations, I don’t think it is helpful here.

Acceptance isn’t laziness or inaction. When we suffer from something long enough, it is easy to slip into laziness or inaction around something. It is human and understandable. However, recovering from insomnia requires action, so inaction isn’t what we are aiming for, and it isn’t what acceptance is about.

Acceptance isn’t condoning anything harmful or accepting harm. Acceptance is focused internally, not what is occurring external to us.

What Acceptance “Is”

Acceptance involves the following concepts:

1. Accepting “what is” - When we say, “accepting what is”, what we mean is accepting reality without denial. Reality can be a confusing thing to interpret. Often, we tend to blame ourselves in some way for our struggles, without taking the time to step back and look at them objectively. When we accept what is and let go of blame and judgment, it can supercharge our progress.

In the same light, when we accept our circumstances for what they are, we can implement strategies that, over time, can result in positive, permanent changes.

2. Accepting that we “don’t have control” - What often occurs with insomnia is some sort of control strategy, whether we try and control our thoughts or our sleep in some way. When we relinquish control over our thoughts or our sleep, we can accomplish a number of things, notably allowing sleep to come to us rather than chasing it, and allowing our thoughts and feelings to exist without trying to exercise control over them.

3. Finally, and this may the toughest to articulate, acceptance is being okay with poor or mediocre sleep. Very often in our journey towards sleeping again, there is an inflection point when we “accept” our poor or mediocre sleep, stop trying to “make progress” towards sleeping again, and suddenly… we start sleeping better. Abandoning the struggle to make progress often leads to making progress.

Insight

When we struggle so mightily with something like insomnia, we can inadvertently invalidate our own feelings. The shame and guilt that stems from this struggle can rule our lives, often being the foundation of nearly every thought we have. We must, at some point, start to accept that everything we think and feel when we suffer is valid. And even more so, it is okay. By doing so, we can build some emotional clarity, which will help us heal.

If you are reading this and have suffered for some time, say months or years, what does that say about you? If you are drawing a blank, I’ll help you: You are resilient! Yes, incredibly resilient. Look at what you are doing right now. You have taken action to read something helpful to you in hopes of learning something and furthering your progress towards recovery. I know it can be difficult to maintain motivation when everything you have tried has failed, you are exhausted, and you feel like giving up. However, each and every day you get up and choose to live, that is resilience. Take a moment to congratulate yourself for this.

The topic of resilience is a crucial step in this journey. Why? Well, at some point, you will come to understand that what seems like a setback is really an opportunity. When we try something and fail, we can just interpret that as failure. When the mind shifts to see setbacks as learning opportunities rather than failures, it can have a powerful healing effect on us. By embracing acceptance, you are shifting your mindset towards seeing failures as opportunities. In turn, this fosters resilience. Once you understand just how resilient you are, once you see every failure as an opportunity, you are well on your way to recovery.

Relinquishing control over anything surrounding sleep is a key step in your recovery. And relinquishing control is an important aspect of acceptance.

Think about this: what is the first thing we do, or what is the usual course of action when we, say, cannot sleep, or experience anxiety, or have thoughts we don’t want? We almost always try and implement some sort of control. Control can come in the form of medication to reduce anxiety, substance abuse to forget or run from our struggles, or trying different things to try and force ourselves to sleep. Perhaps you’ve had some terrifying or racing thoughts? What do you do when you have these? Run and hide from them, wish them away? That is control. Control can wind up getting us in trouble. Control almost always leads to some thought or feeling of failure when something doesn’t “work” like we thought it would. Control can give us false hope. Relinquishing it can be a powerful step towards recovery.

If you’ve read this article and realized you haven’t been kind to yourself, if you’ve realized you’ve been trying too hard, or realize you’ve tried to control everything and failed… that is okay. There is nothing wrong with that at all. The point isn’t that you have been or are doing anything wrong. The point is recognizing it, accepting it, and learning from it. Without the experience of trying to control things, being unkind to yourself, or running and hiding from thoughts and feelings, you wouldn’t have been able to realize what isn’t helpful and learn from it. It has been, and is, an opportunity for growth!

I hope some or all of this has been helpful to you in some way. I am grateful for the time you took to read this, and your support. It is my intention to educate people about sleep and insomnia in hopes that they will recover and then, in turn, share their journeys and knowledge and help others to recover.

If you don’t know it by now or haven’t realized it yet, the fact that you are on this journey means you are growing in ways you cannot imagine. You are in the process of becoming a stronger, more resilient, more self-aware and emotionally intelligent person. This is necessary for that to happen, so see it as an opportunity rather than a failure.

As always, if you have a question or a topic you’d like discussed, please leave me a comment and I will address it as soon as possible, either with a reply or an article. Be well, and stay tuned!

“Why do I feel awake as soon as my head hits the pillow?”

“Why do my thoughts go crazy as soon as I lay down?”

“Why do I feel wired the moment I want to sleep?”

All of these questions are valid and they are all connected. I have probably asked myself these questions hundreds, if not thousands of times over the past 25 years. These questions all have one thing in common, and they can be answered in the same way. There are two (2) reasons that these things occur:

1. The first reason these things occur is due to the brain being in protection mode, or threat detection mode.

2. The second reason these things occur is that, at some point in the past, your brain identified being awake (not sleeping) as a threat to its survival, and as soon as you lay down and close your eyes, the brain realizes it is awake. When it realizes it is awake, your brain goes into fight or flight mode because it has identified being awake as a threat.

Threat Detection Mode

When the brain is in threat detection mode, it is constantly scanning for threats. In other words, it is hyper aware of its surroundings, making notes on every sight, sound, and feeling you have. In addition to that, it is examining every thought you have for danger. Do you remember the movie ‘The Terminator’? At points in the movie, it illustrated what it saw. The vision was red and it was scanning everything in its environment, identifying it, and then classifying it. If it identified a threat, it would attack. Your brain is doing the same thing.

When your brain is in threat detection mode, the thoughts can come rapidly. The thoughts can easily spiral as well, into doom or catastrophe. If you’ve ever experienced a situation where you are afraid of the most mundane thoughts, you know what this feels like.

Being Awake is Threatening

Think about this situation. If you have identified being awake as a threat, what do you think is going to happen when you close your eyes and your brain realizes it is awake? Your brain is going to realize:

“Hey, I’m supposed to be sleeping, but I’m awake. Oh no!!”

This is precisely what is occurring. This is why you may feel awake or wired the moment you lay down to sleep. During the day you can distract yourself with activities like work and chores. However, once you lay your head down on your pillow, you are all alone with being awake. The brain panics and says:

“Wait, being awake is dangerous! I better fire up the adrenaline and heart rate, tense the muscles, and prepare to run or fight!”

I hope this makes sense to you if you experience this. For everything we experience with insomnia, there is always a rational explanation. Insomnia doesn’t just “happen” to us. The brain’s reaction is predictable and proper. Insomnia is proof that your survival system is working properly!

So, What Can I Do?

For starters, if you find yourself in this situation, remind yourself of this. Talk to yourself, tell yourself exactly what is happening:

“Okay, I am hyperaroused. I know what this is. This is my brain’s reaction to a threat. Everything is okay, I am not actually in danger”

Now, focus on your safety. Reming yourself where you are, safe at home in your bed. Doors and windows are locked, there is nothing that is going to harm me. This may not immediately relieve the anxiety, but with practice, it will. I am going to relay a message I received today from Dr. Daniel Erichsen of The Sleep Coach School about convincing the mind it is safe to sleep.

Convincing the Mind it is Safe to Sleep

Part of your mind, the intellectual side, may know it is safe. However, there is another, deeper part of your mind that is still unsure. There are numerous ways to change that, mainly through repetition, and it won’t happen overnight, but we can start to develop strategies that will work to change that part of the brain that still feels in danger.

Let’s say you want to convince someone of something. You have two options:

1. Throw every argument and every piece of evidence you have at them, trying to force them to see your point.

2. Calmly share your perspective with them and then give them the time to think about it.

Which option do you think will ultimately work? Well, we can imagine where option 1 will land us. Maybe in hot water, maybe an argument, maybe denial. However, with option 2, we may be able to, over time, change someone’s mind.

Your brain works the same way. We need to allow it time to absorb information, think about it, and then determine it is safe. How else can we do that?

One way is to continue living. Go out with friends if you’ve stopped. Put a puzzle together, go for a bike ride. Show your brain that life is safe and it will follow suit, eventually. However, if we try and “force” our brain to see things our way, it just may fight back.

I hope this article was helpful. I was going to write about the sleep effort cycle, but this came up and I thought it was important to share. The next article will discuss the sleep effort cycle!

As always, if you have a question or comment you’d like explained or discussed, please leave me a comment and I will address it as soon as I can. Be well, continue to read and learn, and your sleep will improve!

Survival

The human brain is a wonderful, complex, astute, adaptable, powerful, and dynamic product of evolution. I want to highlight the power of the brain here. Historically, as we have evolved and survived, and even thrived, the brain’s safety center played a central role in allowing us to survive. It is, perhaps, the most important part of the brain with regard to survival. It is only because we have the safety center that we are alive today, and it may be that the only reason you are reading this is because it has saved your life once or twice.

The brain’s safety center is also one of the oldest parts of the brain. It is part of the function of the amygdala. The amygdala serves many purposes, including detecting or identifying threats. Surprisingly, the brain’s amygdala is also elastic, meaning that as we experience things it responds and changes. However, it is important to point one thing out here: because it functions to identify threats, it does not process the meaning of the threat. Its sole purpose, with regard to safety, is to identify threats. Other parts of the brain, once a threat is identified, process and interpret the identified threat.

Identification

Now that we know how the amygdala functions, we can connect it to an important part of insomnia. As a reminder, the function of your brain’s safety center (the amygdala, or fear center) is to keep you alive. Also, because it is one of the oldest parts of the brain, its function has evolved to be incredibly efficient at threat identification.

Now, I’d like you to pay attention to this: the brain’s safety center only identifies threats. It does not classify or rank their threat level. Its purpose is only to identify and react. So, the nature of the threat does not matter to your brain’s safety center. It doesn’t matter if it is an armed criminal, a charging bull, or not sleeping. Your brain treats all of those exactly the same.

Why does this matter? It matters because it is the basis or foundation of most people’s insomnia. It matters because we need to understand the problem before we can develop a solution to the problem. This is why education is so important.

The Threat: Actual and Perceived

Because the brain responds to threats the same way regardless of what they are, it will activate fight or flight mode whether we encounter a rabid dog, or we are in a heated argument with family or friends or find ourselves awake in the middle of the night. It responds the same. However, it is important to say something about the nature of the threat.

Wild animals, charging bulls, natural disasters… they all have one thing in common: they are actual threats. They can be identified easily (often automatically), seen, heard, and touched. There is no mystery to them. We can choose to run or escape from them, or we can choose to fight them. Either way, we have the choice and, either way, once the threat passes or is defeated, we can relax.

Perceived threats are things that seem like a threat to us but are not. Often, we identify them by our reaction to something. And that is okay! Often, it is just the natural reaction to things in our lives. Most importantly, however, perceived threats do not go away - they are always there! They cannot be escaped from or defeated. They remain, hour after hour, day after day, year after year, unless we do something about them.

Actual, or real threats, pose a real danger to our survival. They can have dire consequences if not dealt with immediately. Perceived threats are just the opposite: they pose no danger to us whatsoever. The brain’s response is the same regardless of the threat. Not sleeping, or being awake, is a perceived threat.

Because perceived threats never go away and remain until we take action, the brain is constantly feeling threatened. Therefore, it feels like it is in a constant state of danger. If the brain is in a constant state of danger, you will experience hyperarousal (fight or flight) symptoms until the brain feels safe again.

This may seem like bad news at first. If it feels that way, that is okay. In reality, learning this is great news! Why? because once we untangle and demystify this, with time, it affects us less and will eventually fade into the past, as long as we work at it.

Fight or Flight

Now that we know that your brain does not discriminate with regard to the nature of the threat, we can talk about what happens next. We all know what happens next! Can you recall being frightened and what that feels like? Perhaps you were crossing the street and suddenly see a car speeding at you. Perhaps you are in the woods and see a mountain lion nearby. OR, perhaps you remember how you felt applying to a job you really wanted, or a natural disaster (tornado or hurricane), or maybe a heavy conflict with close friends or family. ALL of those examples are times when the brain activates fight or flight mode. All of them. In each situation, the brain releases hormones like adrenaline, slows digestion, and tenses muscles in an attempt to give you the opportunity to survive. When you find yourself awake in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, the brain’s response is exactly the same!

Knowing this, how difficult do you think it is to sleep at times like these? That’s right, nearly impossible. Next time you find yourself awake in the middle of the night, frightened, upset, terrified, anxious, etc., remind yourself what it is: it is the brain’s fight or flight reaction. It is nothing else. You are not broken or flawed in some way. There is, most often, a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why you are not asleep, and this is most often why.

You are awake night after night because your brain feels threatened in some way. It, at some point, has identified being awake as a threat, and until you show your brain it is safe, it will continue to keep you hyperaroused, awake, and alert. If that is you, that’s okay. Keep reading these articles and I will guide you out of this and into sleeping again.

Great Daniel, so what now?

Thank you for reading all of that. And, I apologize if I repeated myself a few times, but it is necessary to reinforce the point for some. You are awake because of hyperarousal. You are hyperaroused because of the perceived threat of being awake. However, there is no threat to you at all. None whatsoever.

You may be asking yourself: “So, what now?” and that is a great question. One, simply by reading this article you have taken a step closer to natural, restful sleep. Two, you are now aware of why you are awake when you want to be sleeping, why you lay in bed night after night, why you just can’t seem to get sleep regardless of what you do. And that is such an enormous thing to understand! It is the basis of recovery. It is the foundation that must be in place for you to walk the path of recovery. It is necessary to move forward.

My next article will delve into sleep efforts as a natural follow-up to this one and I will probably write it in 24 hours. Until then, if you find yourself anxious, scared, or anything else, remind yourself of these things:

1. You know what this is. You know why you are awake You understand the brain’s response to a threat. Your brain is working exactly as it is supposed to. Exactly. There is nothing wrong with it at all. It is normal.

2. You are okay. Uncomfortable? Yes. But okay. And you will be okay. You will keep showing up for yourself every day, keep learning, keep growing, and keep walking the path towards sleeping again.

3. You are just human. We tend to blame ourselves for things like this when, in reality, this is not our fault at all. It is how we have evolved to respond and, 99% of the time, it will keep us alive. Once we understand this the rest is not that complicated. It is a matter of showing our brains we are safe. If you have energy and want to put it towards something, put it towards safety.

4. Finally, take a moment to thank your brain and thank yourself. You may not realize it now, but by reading this, subscribing to this, by considering the things you read, by working to understand, you are working for you. And you are getting better every day. Give yourself a hug. Look upon yourself with compassion and empathy.

PS: No, you do not need to feel hyperaroused to be hyperaroused or experience the symptoms of hyperarousal. Sometimes, when we have experienced something for a long period of time, the reaction can be normalized. We may feel perfectly calm and still be hyperaroused. More on that later.

As always, if you have a question or subject you’d like answered or addressed, please leave me a comment and I will answer it with a comment or dedicate an article to it. Keep reading, keep learning. If you know anyone with insomnia, kindly pass this along to them. Thank you so much for your time!

The Long Road

How many years have you suffered with insomnia? Has it completely changed the way you live your life? Has it affected your relationships, career, self-esteem, energy levels, motivation and/or family? Has it caused you mental illness or substance dependence? Have you had to cancel plans, trips, or even hopes and dreams? Has it changed the path of your life completely?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above, or any of that resonates with you, I want you to know you are not alone. Not only are you not alone, but it is also not uncommon. And it is okay if you have suffered that much. You are not broken. You are not “meant” to suffer. It is not your destiny, and you do not deserve it. You are among the hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, who have experienced these things. You are also among the people who have survived regardless of the situation. Give yourself a pat on the back. If you cannot do that right now, that is okay. The important thing is that you are reading this. That is an enormous step forward.

Suffering

When we suffer during our lives, if it is a brief event or short-term occurrence, we can usually get right back up after being knocked down. However, when we suffer for an extended period of time, the longer it persists, the more our thoughts, feelings, and interpretations of reality can shift. In a nutshell, the longer we suffer, the more we “get used” to the condition we are in.

The longer we experience something tragic, the more “normal” it can seem and feel. If it lasts long enough, we may start to believe that suffering is normal. We normalize it in an attempt to explain it, to interpret and reconcile it with reality, and finally to rationalize its place in our lives. When we do so, we can unintentionally attach it to our sense of worth or value. It can become a part of us, so much so that, without it, we don’t know what to do.

Paradoxically, if you find yourself in this situation to any extent, suffering can lead us to believe we are worthy of existing. So much so that, the more we suffer, the more worthy of living we feel. When in this state, our thoughts and behaviors reflect this. We may find ourselves telling ourselves or others the harrowing story of how much we suffer and how we have survived through it all. We may wear it as a badge of honor. We may make it our life story. It will eventually define who we are. We may tell the story of the struggle to ourselves and others over and over again, because each time we do, we feel more deserving of being alive. We may fight for our condition, fight for our insomnia.

If this is where you are, it is okay. It is a normal path through suffering. It is the normal course that many of us follow, simply because it is the way we must make sense of it all. In fact, we may give up fighting all together and simply accept our fate as eternal sufferers.

But… you do not have to suffer. That’s right, you don’t have to suffer. You are not an eternal sufferer. You don’t deserve it. You aren’t being punished for anything. You don’t have to fight for it. It does not determine your worth or value.

This realization can be confusing, upsetting, and even disruptive. It can elicit freedom or fear. Some of us have suffered for so long it has come to define our reality. Regardless of how you feel after reading it, even if completely neutral, it is an important reality check for some of us.

Being Right or Being Free

Recently, a fellow coach (Beth Kendall: BethKendall.com) introduced me to a phrase that encapsulates a choice (conscious or unconscious) that we make at some point in our journey: You can be right, or you can be free.

When we are hopeless and helpless, as I mentioned above, many of us can exist in a reality defined by suffering. Often, the suffering, the condition of insomnia, seems more powerful than we are. It can seem overwhelming, so much so that we argue for it and fight for it. We don’t know anything else. We are certain that this is reality for us, that we’ve done something so terrible that we deserve this fate. We believe we are just one of those few unlucky souls that must suffer.

“Someone has to suffer… may as well be me”

If you’ve become convinced of this in any way, I must tell you: You can be right, or you can be free.

Breaking the Cycle

Being right or being free comes with a choice:

You can be right, but you will stay exactly where you are.

You can be free, but in order to be free, you must be wrong.

Being wrong means that you have realized that you don’t actually want to stay where you are. The years of suffering can become a safety blanket for us, something warm to feel normal. If you need to be right and stay there for a while, that is okay. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we need the time to come to the crossroads on our own. If that is you, that space is here for you.

However, if you are ready to be wrong, and be free, you can be.

Sometimes you just need the reminder.

Sometimes you just need to hear it.

Sometimes, someone just needs to tell you that it’s okay to be wrong.

Sometimes, you just need to hear that it’s okay to be free.

Being free is your right, and you deserve it, regardless of where you’ve been or what you’ve done.

You can be free.

As always, these articles are meant to educate and inform. They are not meant to convince or change your mind. If you do not agree, that is okay. Please take the information for what it is worth, if anything.

If you have a question or topic you’d like me to explain, please leave me a comment and I will do my best to address it by a comment or an entire article. Thank you for reading. Be well, and stay tuned!

Departure

I am talking to you. Yes, YOU. The person reading this. Let’s say, for a moment, we are having a conversation. There are a few things I need to get across to you before you embark on the journey towards sleeping effortlessly and fearlessly again.

Picture us in a living room, on a couch or a set of chairs, having a pleasant conversation. I’d like to ask you to let go of any preconceived notions and assumptions you have about sleep and insomnia. Let go of the plethora of articles and studies you’ve seen mentioned and quoted. Let go of the pain and suffering you have endured thus far. Let go of the need to solve and fix this. Relax, take a deep breath, let go for a moment, open your mind, and listen to what I am about to tell you.

The Hare or the Tortoise?

Despite what you may think or feel, despite the hopelessness, the fear and terror, the helplessness, the doom, the impending catastrophe… I want you to know you are alright. Take a minute to digest that. You are alright. You may feel awful, you may have terrifying thoughts, but you are OKAY. And you will be okay.

In my experience, both as an insomnia sufferer for 25 years and working with clients, there seems to be a timeline, of sorts, and a series of events or experiences that one must endure before they take the first steps towards healing and unlearning insomnia. There also seems to be a ‘rock-bottom’ that some may need to sink to in order to gain the courage and motivation to take the necessary steps to regain their sleep, and lives. And that is okay! As humans, we experience a constant emotional and psychological evolution that shapes us into who we are. Insomnia, and learning to sleep again, is no different.

Some, upon learning the things I teach and coach, respond immediately. Others take some time. Still more simply are not ready yet, and that is okay too. Wherever you are is okay. Simply reading this is a step in the right direction.

When clients start the process of education, self-compassion, and acceptance, a few experience improvements in a short time. Others can work for months before seeing progress (the majority of cases). And the rest, years can pass before they see real results (although those cases are few and far between!). I don’t say this to encourage or discourage you, only to demonstrate that the process of learning to sleep again is paradoxical, non-linear, and requires patience and grace.

AGENCY

I capitalized that word, agency, because it is one of the most important words in this journey. We do not realize or understand that we (YOU!!) have all of the agency in this journey. What do I mean? I mean that healing, progress, and effortless sleep is 100% a product of the work YOU put in. I hesitate to make this point because it can be a divisive one. If you do not agree, that is okay. You do not have to. I just want to plant the seed and offer a different perspective.

Having the agency means that it is your responsibility to take the necessary steps to heal and recover. It is not your fault that you experience insomnia, but it is your responsibility to recover. And you can. Anyone can. If you are not ready yet, that is okay! If you don’t know where to start, that is okay too! Know that progress and recovery take time and allow yourself the grace and time to heal.

The realization that we have all the agency, or power, to heal can be a tough pill to swallow. We may experience regret that we had not taken these steps sooner. We may place blame on ourselves for not seeing this earlier. We may feel elation that we finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Any emotion you feel on the journey is okay and necessary to experience.

Why do you have all of the agency? Because insomnia, for most, is a learned condition and a product of evolution. Insomnia, in most cases, is a result of our brain’s response to danger (threats). All throughout evolution, each time we identified a threat, our brains and bodies would go into fight or flight mode. Our hearts would beat faster, our digestion would slow, our muscles would tense, all in an effort by the brain to give you the resources and opportunity you need to survive. Insomnia is a survival response.

Insomnia

In most cases, through some event in life, a person experiences poor sleep. Regardless of the experience, whether it be as a child or as an adult, instead of saying “Oh well, there’s always tomorrow”, they say “Oh no, what if I cannot sleep?!” This sends a signal to the brain that we are in danger, and the brain responds by activating fight or flight to help us survive.

The trouble is that being awake (not sleeping) is not a threat. When we identify it as a threat, it is a perceived threat. Perceived threats cannot be escaped from or fought and defeated. They are always there. Since they are always there, the brain stays in fight or flight mode and, guess what? You stay awake to survive. Your brain is actively trying to help you survive by keeping you awake and on edge, prepared to run or fight!

If the threat is always there, the brain will always be on alert. If the brain is always on alert, you will always be up, on edge, anxious, scanning for threats!

Unlearning

The wonderful news is that now that you know this, you can unlearn it. The brain is incredibly elastic, and most things you learn can be unlearned!

It only takes a moment for the brain to activate fight or flight mode. It takes much longer to reassure it of its safety. See, we cannot talk to our brain’s safety center. We cannot tell it, “You are safe now, you can relax”. When the brain has been in survival mode for months or years, it takes a substantial amount of time to turn that back off. Normally, once you run from a threat or escape a threat the brain settles down. However, for reasons above, this perceived threat cannot be defeated or escaped from, so you never experience the relief of safety.

Repetition

Since we cannot speak to our brain’s safety center, we must find a way to show it that it is safe. How do we do that? Through repetition. Most of the things we do in response to insomnia further tell the brain we are not safe. Things like cancelling plans to stay inside for the night, resting and other activities to promote sleep, “trying” to sleep through different strategies, all eventually fail and we get frustrated. The frustration further scares us, and we reinforce the notion that we are unsafe. We must show the brain we are safe!

One way to accomplish that is by living your life. Do things you enjoy despite the way you feel. Solve a puzzle, build something, ride your bike, talk to family and friends… anything to show the brain that life is safe and can be enjoyed.

Another method to show the brain it is safe is by measuring and tempering your reaction to being awake. When you find yourself awake, instead of panicking (which solves nothing), reassure yourself you are okay, tell yourself you are safe, and practice saying, “Oh well, we’ll be okay. We know what this is, and we are just fine!”

A third method to work towards safety is embracing wakefulness. Embrace being awake. Embrace living. Everything you love and enjoy happens when you are awake. See, if you are suffering from insomnia, your brain sees being awake as a threat. We must work to show it that being awake is enjoyable. Part of this is reframing thoughts, thinking positively, saying a mantra or two, reinforcing the joy of being awake.

These methods take time because the brain needs the constant reassurance it is safe. It cares deeply for your survival, so it is not easy to turn off. Take a moment to thank your brain for keeping you alive. Really! Wrap your arms around it, give it a big bear hug, and graciously thank it for doing its job. It probably needs to hear it!

So, what now?

If you are ready to take the power back and exercise your agency to unlearn insomnia, wonderful! You have a starting point! If not, that is okay too! As long as you are aware that it is possible and, with work, very probable. Sometimes we need time to toss these ideas around in our heads before we take action. I can remember learning these things very slowly, and it was months before the lightbulb lit up and I realized, “Hey, I can do this!”

If you still feel stuck, as I said, that is okay! We each must take the first steps towards recovery in our own way and time, and whatever that looks like for you, it is not only the right way, but also the best way. If you need another week, month, or year before you start, take it. If not, start here! Either way, once you start, it is only a matter of time before you recover!

Remember, YOU have the agency. YOU possess the power. YOU have the ability.

Take it. Use it. Empower yourself to walk the path of recovery.

As always, if you have a question or comment, please leave it as a comment and I will address it with an answer or I will dedicate an entire article to it. I have already answered a few subscriber questions, and I will continue to do so to the best of my ability.

Be well and stay tuned!

“I need to sleep so I can do well at work”

“I need to sleep so I can be the best version of myself”

“I need to sleep so my immune system will be healthy”

“I need to sleep so I can properly recover from an intense workout”

“I need to sleep to give my body enough rest to be healthy”

Or, put another way, how often have you said any of the following to yourself?

“If I don’t sleep, I won’t be able to keep my job and I’ll get fired”

“If I don’t sleep, I will get sick”

“If I don’t sleep, I won’t be able to stay healthy”

“If I don’t sleep well, my relationship(s) will suffer”

Oh No!!!

If you have had any of these thoughts, congratulations, you are normal! These are human thoughts that all of us have from time to time, especially in times of struggle. Normally, these thoughts may occur and pass in those who do not suffer from insomnia. However, to an insomnia sufferer, they can be detrimental. Why? Because all these thoughts do is add pressure to our already precarious situation with sleeping.

If you have insomnia, you know very well how these thoughts make you feel. Once you have one, it worries you. You may become scared, fearful of the future, frightened of what the next day, week, or month may bring. We may start to predict the future: what if I don’t sleep for the next year?! And, once you have one, you often cannot stop fretting and worrying about it. That’s okay, because part of the recovery process is recognizing these for what they are and challenging them.

These thoughts can also start a downward spiral. Once we have these thoughts, we may increase our sleep efforts or start “trying harder” to sleep. And this is, again, another spot where we will find trouble. The harder we try to sleep, the less we actually sleep. The more we try to control it, the more likely we are to resist it.

Sleep is an involuntary and effortless process. This is another paradoxical part of insomnia. The more we try and sleep, the more awake we become. Why? One reason is that sleep efforts usually end in frustration because they do not work. Once we try something and fail, we become more frustrated. Once frustrated, we have conflict, and conflict will keep us awake. It is the lack of internal conflict which will allow us to fall asleep peacefully and easily.

As I always tell my clients, one of the first steps in recovery is education. Part of the education is recognizing the pressures we put on ourselves and either (or both!) challenging the truth behind it or changing the way we approach sleep. I’ll explain:

When we find ourselves putting pressure on ourselves, we can change our thoughts from “Oh no!” or “What if” to “Oh well”. Often, we catastrophize not sleeping. We falsely believe we will experience some tragedy, yet with each passing day, we do not. If you’ve experienced insomnia for some time, you have probably, night after night, worried about the next day. Your thoughts of “Oh no!” or “What if” have never been helpful (think about that!). So, what if instead you said to yourself, “Oh well”?

Oh Well…

That’s right. The simple act of changing the way you react to not falling asleep or not sleeping by saying, “Oh well. If I don’t sleep, I’ll be tired and uncomfortable, but I’ll be okay”, can drastically change your reaction to being awake. And, if you’ve been reading this Substack, you know that our reactions are what result in the hyperarousal, the fear, the anxiety, the terror… all the negative things we experience all day, every day, day after day.

Now, just like anything else, this takes repetition and practice. Yes, it can have some immediate benefit and ease your mind. But real change comes with repetition and practice. So, next time you are lying in bed awake, or catastrophizing about the next day, or are anxious about another night… take a mental step back and say to yourself, “Oh well”.

The long-term effects

Even in those who continue to suffer from insomnia, specifically not sleeping much, this change in approach and mindset makes life bearable and, in some cases, enjoyable again. It teaches people that they can still live, be productive and healthy, with insomnia. No, it isn’t comfortable, but it becomes a lot easier. And easier is a lot better than suffering.

For some, the change in mindset, approach, and reaction is a necessary first step in recovery. What I mean is that, for some, this step must be taken first before a person experiences restful sleep again. And that is okay too, because recovery looks different for different people.

As usual, I hope this article sheds some light on your struggle. I want to remind YOU that YOU are not alone. There are millions of us struggling with insomnia, and there are just as many that recover. And you will too. If you have a question or subject you’d like me to answer or address, please leave me a comment and I will do so. Stay tuned!

“I have become so aware of my thoughts it causes me anxiety in itself! My thoughts have become so loud. I am thinking about thinking on and off all day. Checking in with myself. Every time I do it., it makes me feel anxious as it’s just another thing I can’t seem to stop. I have tried distraction, I have tried accepting it but nothing seems to be working. Can you help?”

This is a common occurrence when we are on the road to recovery, and a perfect time to talk through what this means and how to properly address this!

Progress is Paradoxical

Before I launch into how to address this, it is important to make two important points:

1. Paradoxically, this is a sign of progress in recovery! As we know by now (if you’ve read my previous articles), you know that almost everything about insomnia is paradoxical. For instance, the more we try and sleep, the less sleep we get. This is no different in the sense that it is a sign that the brain is changing, and that is what we are doing. You see, when the brain starts to recognize it is safe, it starts to form new neural pathways. It is also hesitant to move forward and change, so it may try and increase its volume (trying to communicate with you) to get your attention. Additionally, we must remember that in the threatened state, the brain is searching for danger. Change may mean danger, and thus its activity increases as well. Regardless, this is a sign of progress. Remind yourself of this often!

2. Along with being a sign of progress, it is also a sign of resistance. Now, that is okay and I want to address this subject gently, because it can be a bit of a shock at first. On one hand, we have been practicing acceptance and… now this! Acceptance can backfire on us though, and I will talk about that below.

Intention

Let’s discuss intention for a moment before discussing acceptance. Acceptance is wonderful to practice, as long as we do so with the proper intention. What do I mean? Well, let’s take another example: meditation. We already know that any effort to sleep will backfire on us. If we meditate with the intention of calming ourselves and living in the moment, great. However, if we meditate with the intention of sleeping, it will always backfire and we will be more awake than ever! The same goes here with acceptance. So, before we continue, let’s set our intention.

Acceptance

In the words of my fellow coach Alina (because I cannot say it any better!), acceptance isn’t supposed to “work.” Acceptance practiced with the intention of anything will always backfire. Acceptance is the practice of simply allowing “what is” and welcoming the discomfort. No, this is not comfortable at all. It is the antithesis of comfortable. However, it is necessary. How do I know this? Based on one of the things in the comment:

“Nothing seems to be working”

That statement indicates an effort, and any efforts towards anything (sleep, getting rid of or ignoring something) will never work. So, what to do here? Well, we must change our intention. Instead of practicing acceptance to accomplish something, change your perspective and simply practice acceptance to allow things to be the way they are. This will allow the thoughts and feelings to exist, make space for them, and take away their power. If your brain knows you are listening, if you don’t allow the things to affect you, they have no power. So, a slight change of approach is the trick here.

When we try to accept what is happening in an effort to gain control over something, we will fail. Again, that’s okay! It is the natural, human response and you’ve done nothing wrong. The goal here is to learn, and that is what we are doing. The idea here is to accept the fact that you have no control, and you cannot stop the thinking. In a sense, it is a surrender to what is. Surrender. Surrender is okay and necessary in this case.

Ultimately what creates trouble for us is struggle. This is where resistance comes in. We have a resistance to the thoughts, the feelings, and the things we don’t want. Paradoxically, any effort to rid ourselves of these things or control them will only make them worse. Said a different way, moving away from control and struggle and towards surrender is what will result in the changes we desire.

Making Space

By allowing these unwanted things to exist, we make room for them to exist. That is what we want. If these thoughts and feelings have the space to exist, they won’t have any power left to harm you or affect you. Making space is one of the toughest parts of this journey because it requires us to be uncomfortable. In other words, “If you don’t feel it, you cannot heal it.” This was my mantra for a long time while I struggled through recovery from insomnia. Ultimately, it was the right path to take, and it resulted in recovery.

Caution

There is no time frame for these things to work. Some people experience relief soon, and for others it takes weeks of practicing this to see results. The important thing to remember is to set your intention and rid yourself of expectations. Expectations create struggle too. If you practice these principles, you will see progress. Allow yourself the grace and patience and time to change and know that each step is a step closer to recovery.

Conclusion

So, next time the loud or intrusive thoughts occur, allow them to be. They are okay and will not hurt you. Imagine your mind as a house with all the windows open and imagine the wind as your thoughts. As easily as they flow in, they can flow right back out. Accept that you don’t have control, surrender to what is, and allow them to be. Slowly, with time, they will fade, their power will abate, and you will experience a peaceful mind.

I hope this was helpful. Thank you for the opportunity to discuss this. Thank you for sharing part of your journey with us so that we may learn from you. Please leave me a comment with your thoughts, if you’d like.

As always, be well. If you have a comment or question that I can address, please leave it below and I will address it. Stay tuned for more articles on insomnia!

As you’ve read, assuming you’ve read Part I of this article, our internal narrative has a large influence on our thoughts and behaviors. As we suffer, especially over a long period of time, our internal narrative can change into something negative and keep us in a cycle of suffering. If your narrative is negative or has become negative because you’ve been suffering for some time, please read on!

I did not notice my own internal narrative until it was pointed out to me. I began to think back on how often I had said “I just can’t sleep” or “I don’t nap because I can’t ever fall asleep” or “I can’t sleep without medication, so don’t worry about me falling asleep on a long drive!” And as I started counting, I realized that I had repeated statements like these for many, many years.

Increasing Awareness

Note Cards: When I work with clients, one of my first suggestions is that they write themselves notes, and I start simply. I ask that they obtain some 3 x 5 cards and write something like “Pay attention to my thoughts” on a note card and place them at certain places in their homes: the bathroom mirror, hallways, on the back of doors that they open, on the microwave, etc. This may sound somewhat silly but, after seeing these notes and intentionally reminding yourself to simply pay attention, it doesn’t take long before we start to really notice how we talk to ourselves.

Journaling: Journaling is another great way to increase awareness of internal narratives. When we sit and intentionally write about what we’re thinking, we start to notice patterns. The more we journal the more we recognize how we think and how we talk to and treat ourselves verbally. The type of journaling you choose to do doesn’t matter too much as long as you are writing what you desire. A reflection on your day or your most pressing concerns are just fine to write about. The important thing is to start.

Mindfulness: This is something I feel strongly about, and it isn’t for everyone. However, the practice of mindfulness, or intentionally paying attention to your breath or something else innocuous, is incredibly powerful. Much like patterns, the habit of taking even 3 minutes out of each day can be life changing. Why? The brain likes patterns and it responds to repetition. When we repetitively (daily) choose to pay attention, after a couple weeks, the brain starts to notice. When we do that with intention, we start to form neural pathways as habits. The more we do it, the more we start to do it automatically. This is important to remember!

Telling yourself the truth

Once we become aware of how we speak to ourselves, we can take steps to restructure these thoughts. When we suffer, especially over long periods of time, not only can our thoughts become negative, but we can also begin to tell ourselves things that are not true. Read that again: we often form thought patterns that have no basis in reality whatsoever. We refer to these as cognitive distortions, and they can and often do determine how we feel and how we behave. There is an entire body of research that shows how cognitive distortions can erode our mental and emotional health and send us spiraling downward. The same holds true for insomnia.

I am not going to go too deeply into cognitive distortions, as there are plenty of resources out there for you to read about. However, I do want to bring your attention to a very, very common loop:

I feel anxious! —> I can feel my heart beating quickly! —> This makes me feel anxious! —> My heart is beating faster! —> I feel anxious…

This is a loop that occurs all too often. Think about a loop you may experience with insomnia:

I am awake! —> I notice that I am anxious, and this will keep me up! —> I am still up, and this makes me anxious! —> I am still up!

This is an example that I see all too often, and this will almost always keep you awake. This loop, on its own, is enough to keep you awake!

There are plenty more examples and categories of cognitive distortions, including all or nothing thinking, assuming the worst, fortune-telling (seeing the future!), blaming others, etc. I encourage you to do some reading on these and see if you can determine how cognitive distortions affect your sleep.

The bottom line is that with insomnia, one of the most important things to learn is that we need to tell ourselves the truth. Our internal narrative must be truthful. In addition to this, our internal narrative must also be positive. If our narratives do not change, we may not change.

I will not lie to you: changing your narrative, even becoming aware of it, takes work. And the work is not always easy. However, the work you do on your narrative, each day, is a day of work you do not have to do anymore.

Restructuring

Once you become aware of your thought patterns, your narrative, you can start restructuring it. How does one do that? Great question. You can use the short guide below as a start:

1. Identify the thought: When experiencing moments of intense emotional stress or feelings, take a moment to identify the thoughts you are having.

2. Challenge and question the thought: Is the thought true? What evidence do you have for it? After looking at the evidence, is it still true?

3. Reframe the thought: When you identify a thought that isn’t true, create a new one. For example, you may sometimes think, “I never sleep.” This, of course, is not true. Instead, replace it with something like “I may struggle a bit to sleep now, but I still do, and this is temporary!”

4. Practice mindfulness: The practice of challenging thoughts and replacing them takes time. When we intentionally take a few moments to just stop and take a few breaths, it teaches the brain to do the same. What slowly happens is that the brain starts to react less and respond more!

Do not give up!

This process can take some time, and probably more than you first imagine it will. This process is often necessary as part of the path to recovery, and I see so many people start down the right path and give up too soon because they do not “see” enough or any progress after a week or two.

And you may not! The important thing with this is to just keep going. It may take a month or two before you notice a change. And that is okay! If you work for a few weeks and don’t see a change, please do not give up. You ARE making progress every time you do this and every day that you choose to do it is another day you draw closer to permanent change and restful sleep!

A tidbit of wisdom

If you are reading this and you are really suffering, I can empathize. I do empathize with you. The journey out of insomnia and back into restful sleep is not an easy one. There is no magic wand, no easy button, and no advice you can receive which will instantly get you back to sleeping again. You will have to work.

However, I want you to remember something important and universally true: we only grow through struggle. If we never struggled, we’d never grow. Keep this in the fore front of your mind as you walk this path. In order to grow, you must struggle.

The struggle you are now experiencing is transforming you into a kinder, more resilient person. Even if it doesn’t feel like it is, it is. When you are on the other side of insomnia, you will be so very grateful for the journey, you’ll thank yourself for having the strength to get through it. You’ll be a completely different person, and you’ll find a source of gratitude unlike any other.

In my next article I will discuss a new concept that will have a profound impact on how you think about insomnia and sleep, and your journey. Until then, please be well.

As always, if you have a comment or question about something you’d like me to address, please leave it here and I will respond to it.

“The mind is everything. What you think, you become” — Gautam Buddha

“A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks he becomes” — Mahatma Ghandi

The Narrative

The two quotes above illustrate something powerful about our thoughts: they can and do determine our reality. This includes how we think, how we feel, and what we are able to accomplish.

Have you ever heard stories about adults who, as children, were told by their parents that they were unwanted, worthless, unintelligent, or couldn’t do anything right? What happens to these children as they mature into adulthood? All too often they require years of intervention and therapy to reverse the years of the narrative they were told. Unfortunately, this happens far too much. However, it does demonstrate how powerful words can be, especially if they are about us or directed at us.

When people, adult or child, are told something repeatedly over a long period of time, they start to believe it. The more a person hears something, the closer it comes to becoming reality, regardless of how truthful or accurate it is. When people start to believe something, it starts to become their narrative. When it becomes their narrative, it influences everything in their life, to include thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. If we believe we are worthless, or unworthy, or incapable, it will become our reality. This is one of the reasons that affirmations or mantras work so well - they are short phrases that are repeated over and over, over a long time. At first, we feel no change. However, with repetition, it starts to change the way we think. When our thoughts change, our emotions change and, eventually, our behaviors change. There are countless examples of this in the history of civilization.

Recent research into depression reveals that, in fact, depression in people can often be attributed to the way a person thinks, or a reflection of their thought processes. If a person is constantly thinking things like “I am so depressed” or “I feel so awful,” their reality will be a reflection of that, and they will continue to feel the way they think.

The same holds true for insomnia - our thoughts surrounding our trouble sleeping combined with how we think about sleep can keep us from getting sleep and, more importantly, can keep us from recovery!

Your Narrative?

Often, the stories we tell ourselves are not obvious. In fact, our internal narratives often go unchecked, and we are largely unaware of them. We have thousands of thoughts per day. How many do you remember?

When we suffer from anything, our thoughts can turn negative. With insomnia, our thoughts often include “I am so exhausted” or “I just cannot sleep” or “I never get any sleep” or “I never feel rested”. How often do you have these thoughts on an average day of little to no sleep? Ten? A hundred? A thousand?

Let’s say a person has struggled with insomnia for 10 years and, every day, they may think or tell someone “I just cannot sleep” or some variation of that thought. If they repeat that thought 100 times a day, after 10 years, they have thought that 365,000 times! That is a LOT of thought. Imagine what your brain thinks after hearing something 365,00 times?! Do you think it would be convinced by then? I would be!

What do you tell yourself every day? When was the last time you had a thought like that? It is okay if you do not know. And it is okay if you talk to yourself like this. All of us do and have. It isn’t your fault. It is what naturally happens when we suffer, and it is okay.

Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs)

One of the troubles with these types of thoughts is that, after a short time of repeating the same thought (for example, “I’m so tired”), they become automatic. When they become automatic, we lose the awareness of having them. They start to run on a loop in our brains, hour after hour, day after day, year after year.

This occurs because of cognitive patterns and emotional triggers, and our brain’s negativity bias. They can alter our mood instantly, change our perception of reality, and most always arise without conscious effort. So, you are mostly unaware you are having them.

Narrative and Insomnia

If we constantly think thoughts like “I never get sleep” or “I can never nap", these thoughts can easily become our reality. We are setting ourselves up for the pattern of poor sleep we suffer from. We are literally creating our own reality just from the way we think.

This is one of the most important parts of recovery from insomnia. Becoming aware of and changing the way we think. I spent a lot of time explaining this phenomenon because when presented with this information, many people (including me!) will deny it. That, or they will deny that their thoughts have any effect on their sleep. And, if that is you, that is okay. I am not trying to change your mind immediately; I just want you to consider the possibility. One of my coaching imperatives is “A wholesale change in thought and behavior patterns is required for recovery.”

When we suffer, our thoughts reflect our suffering. The longer we suffer, the more ingrained those thought patterns become. Thought patterns create neural pathways in our brains, like a well-worn path, that the brain travels often and without our knowledge or consent. If we think “I won’t sleep tonight,” our emotions and behaviors will start to reflect this thought pattern. It is subtle - we may inadvertently contribute to our insomnia in ways we are unaware of or do not notice. The first step in the process is awareness.

Becoming aware of our thought patterns can be difficult at first. Sometimes we really need to sit and think. For me, I had to pay attention very closely at first, and most people do (in my experience). As I said earlier, the longer we suffer, the more we grow unaware of our thought patterns.

In the next article, which will be Part II of ‘What is your narrative,’ I will address methods for increasing awareness, and then I will discuss changing these thought patterns and the path to recovery! (I just realized how long this article is getting and I don’t want to keep people scrolling and scrolling!)

As always, thank you for reading. And, welcome to those of you who have recently subscribed. It is my goal to educate and provide insomnia sufferers a path to recovery. Through my training and experience, I will address the most common questions and concerns (please ask if you have one!) as well as laying out a path to recovery.

If you have a question or topic you’d like me to address, please leave me a comment and I will address it as soon as I can. Be well and stay tuned for more articles!

Caveat: I am just addressing this as a comment. Generally, I’d need more information to coach someone through something like this, as experiences vary. So, please take this very generally and know that an individual’s coaching may differ from this.

The Problem

I have suffered from insomnia for many years but I am recently dealing with a new and terrifying symptom which is that when I wake up in the middle of the night (like you describe here) I immediately, reflexively start to hyper focus on my breathing, it becomes manual (not automatic), and I can’t return to a normal breathing pattern so it can keep me awake for hours or all night. Can you let me know how you would address this specifically with these 3 steps?

As a coach, this is how I would advise a client on addressing this

(Mind you, I am not a doctor or medical professional - this is not medical advice. This is strictly from a coaching perspective!)

Recognize What is Happening to You

There are a couple things to explain here:

1. When we suffer from insomnia, and we have the accompanying fear, anxiety, terror, and hyperarousal, the brain and body are in fight or flight mode. When this happens and we are low on sleep, we can suffer from practically any symptoms.

2. In these cases, it is usually our own reaction that is causing the trouble, and not the insomnia itself.

When we wake up in the middle of the night like this, we need to know that upon awakening, our brains suddenly feel threatened because we have identified being awake as a threat. When we are in this hyper aroused state, almost anything else can seem like a threat to us, including the way we breathe. If, for instance, you woke up in the middle of the night terrified and noticed a ringing in your ears, it may seem like a threat to you (although it is not), or it may seem like a problem to solve because it happens at the same time that you wake up scared. Because it happens at the same time you woke up, it gets ‘lumped in’ with the terror of being awake.

In this state, our brains are constantly searching for something wrong, out of place, inconsistent… something that isn’t quite right. As soon as it identifies something, it creates an attachment to it, especially if a person believes it is keeping you awake (more on that in a moment).

There is nothing special about breathing. If nothing else is wrong with you medically, breathing is the same as anything else - the sounds, sights, feelings… and this is important to recognize. There is nothing special about breathing - usually, something like this is just something that someone notices and, once it happens once, it becomes something we start to focus on and obsess about.

How to Address This When It Occurs (And reframe it!)

I know this can be incredibly terrifying when it occurs. Know that you are not alone, as many, many people experience things like this when in the middle of insomnia.

Part of addressing this is simply knowing why it occurs, and that is covered above. Often, our reaction is what propels us into terror and anxiety. So, next time this occurs, take a moment and identify it. “Okay, I am here again. I know what this is and I know why it happens. I know this is my brain’s reaction to feeling threatened and it is trying to help me stay alive. I can recognize this and I do not have to react to it. Thank you, brain, for doing your best to help me survive, but you are safe!”

If this has happened previously, it is important to recognize that while it is uncomfortable, you are still safe. It is also a time for you to break the cycle.

When you can identify what it is, remind yourself that you are safe. Even if you are uncomfortable, you are still safe. The crux of the problem here is that the brain feels unsafe, and part of this process is reassuring it that it is safe.

This can take some practice. It can be difficult at first. After a little practice, something I suggest to my clients is to personalize what you are experiencing. When you wake up like that, take a moment and feel what you are feeling: perhaps the knot in your chest or stomach, the fear, perhaps the shaking, the heavy breathing… everything. Lump it all together and give it a name. If you’d like, make it funny. Criselda, or LuAnn, or anything you’d like. Then, imagine a costume for it, funky shoes, maybe colored hair… it is all your choice here. The point is to make it something memorable that you can recall, and if you wish, make it a little humorous.

When you have a character created, each and every time you wake up and experience this, welcome it by name and invite it in. Say something like, “Oh, hello Susan, I see you’ve decided to visit tonight. And I see you’ve brought your friends fear and anxiety with you. Well, please come on in and stay.”

Guess what? The more you choose to greet it, invite it in, and make room for it, the easier it gets to experience it!

With a little more practice, you can picture yourself as a director of a play and invite your character(s) on stage to perform. This practice provides a way for you to occupy some time lying in bed awake and may even make you chuckle a little bit at all of this.

As I said in my article, this sounds silly, but accomplishes two very, very important things:

1. It provides a way for you to welcome the negative feelings and make room for them to exist. One of the biggest roadblocks with insomnia is trying to make the negative feelings go away or ignore them. This always backfires. These are almost all signals the brain is trying to send you. When we try and push them away or ignore them, they just get louder. Practicing this is a way to get used to welcoming these negative feelings in.

2. The second thing it does is to reassure the brain that these things are safe to feel. When we feel uncomfortable, the negative feelings can feel unsafe, and we start to catastrophize, thinking that they may cause us brain damage, or permanent injury in some way. The goal here is to find ways to show the brain that it is safe.

With repetition, which is the only way we can speak to our brain’s safety center, it will slowly work to reduce the severity of the symptoms and, eventually, they will cease to affect you. Your brain will “learn” that there is nothing to fear, and it will make room for these things to exist.

Breaking The Cycle

Another trap we get ourselves into with this kind of symptom is a fear loop, or fear cycle. When we feel negatively, we have negative thoughts. When we have negative thoughts, we then feel negative things again. It is a loop and it can easily cascade and run away. It can consume us for a time and keep us hyper-aroused for hours at a time. Another method that is useful here is to develop a mantra that breaks the cycle of thoughts —> feelings —> thoughts —> feelings. Something like “I am safe” or even “Break the cycle” work equally well - as long as it is done with the intent to break that fear loop.

When we develop insomnia, we also develop neural pathways that get conditioned to respond in a certain and often self-limiting way. These responses to fear and hyperarousal get imprinted on the brain, like a well-worn path does when it is walked on daily. So, breaking the cycle needs to be done repeatedly and consistently as we need to develop new neural pathways to address insomnia in a healthy, positive way. Breaking the cycle requires constant, repeated effort and will not provide immediate relief. However, with time, it will work.

Secondary Attachment

In reading your comment, with symptoms like these, it can become very easy to switch to (for example), “I need to calm my breathing to that I can sleep.” This is an understandable and natural reaction to this kind of symptom. However, we need to realize that any secondary attachment creates struggle. Any struggle we experience can unintentionally keep us awake as well.

If you are at the stage of developing a secondary attachment, one of the first things to do is recognize it. In reality, we don’t need to breathe a certain way to sleep. In fact, breathing is involuntary (just like sleep!), and the body will take responsibility for breathing when a person falls asleep, if it feels forced.

Struggle is the enemy of sleep. In fact, it is the opposite. Real sleep is effortless, and any effort in any way to sleep will invariably keep us awake.

Summary

Without knowing more about what you experience, it is difficult to provide coaching. I hope this has helped clear things up a little bit and I hope it helps you to manage some of these terrifying things. Again, you are not alone, although it may feel like it. There are millions of us who experience these things and they are not easy.

In fact, this is the same practice I used to deal with the terrifying things in the middle of the night. This is one part of insomnia recovery, and an important one. But, not the only one. Please keep educating yourself and working towards safety, and you will make progress towards restful, peaceful sleep!

As usual, if you have a comment or question, please leave one for me and I will address it as soon as I can! Thank you for reading and please stay tuned for more on insomnia and recovery!

The Culprit

If you’ve been keeping up with this Substack, you now know that for many, insomnia is a result of a fear of being awake (not sleeping). When we do not sleep, we panic, and the brain gets the signal that being awake is a threat to its survival. Once the brain’s safety center is triggered, fight or flight mode is activated, and our brains keep us awake in an attempt to allow us to escape the threat.

There is one thing I need to remind you of here before moving on: the part of the brain that is responsible for threat detection, the amygdala, cannot tell the difference between real and perceived threats! To your amygdala, being awake is the same thing as being chased by a grizzly bear. No difference whatsoever.

Now, put yourself in the place of your amygdala. We are resting peacefully and then… BOOM! We are awake! Since our brains are already in threat detection mode, protection mode, fight or flight mode, and they have already identified being awake as a threat… how would you react if you suddenly woke up and there was a grizzly bear standing over you?!

You’d panic. You’d be terrified. And that is exactly what is happening here with terrifying midnight awakenings.

Your brain is suddenly “awake” - and being awake is a threat - so it immediately activates the fear and survival response.

To your brain’s safety center, there is a grizzly bear standing over you as soon as it realizes it is awake.

Make sense? Good! Now to remind you of a few things before we move on to dealing with this

Helpful Reminders

This reaction by the brain is an evolved survival response. It is one of the oldest, most useful parts of our brains. It is there to help us. It is there to allow us to survive, to fight or flee. It is the ultimate survival tool, and you have it.

This reaction is also normal. It is expected. In fact, it would be even worse if you didn’t react that way. Take a moment to think and reflect on this. Your brain is doing its best job to help you survive. It is trying desperately to save you, to allow you to live and thrive. When you have a quiet moment, thank your brain for doing its best to help you. It is, literally, your best friend!

Part of the journey of recovery from insomnia is reframing what is happening to us. And part of that reframing is learning to appreciate our brain’s survival response. How many times in the past has your fight or flight been activated? How many times has your brain’s survival center helped you fight or run, or increased your reaction time to avoid an accident? We tend to forget the marvelous job it does for us. It could probably use a hug right about now, and so could you. Give your brain a hug and then give yourself one. You are in the right place learning the right things. You are on the road to recovery!

Now… what to do?

We are now armed with the knowledge we need to start to make changes to this automatic response. And we can do that. I will tell you, however, it does not happen overnight. This is a conditioned survival response, and it is one of the strongest, if not the strongest, response our brains and bodies have.

I am going to give you three important words to remember:

Break. The. Cycle.

When we awake in the middle of the night, terrified, we are in a thought or fear loop. Our thoughts create emotions, which create thoughts, which create emotions, and so on and so on. It is a loop. It is a cycle.

The other part of this is an automatic reaction to a threat. We cannot directly intervene in our brain’s reaction to a threat. That is ingrained. However, we can work to reduce and eliminate it. We need to break the cycle. Say that to yourself: Break. The. Cycle. Change the narrative. Break the cycle.

VERY IMPORTANT

I apologize for using all CAPS here, but there is something critical you have to understand if you are going to work through this:

You cannot talk to or communicate with your brain’s amygdala (safety center). In order to change its reaction, we need repetition. Repetition is how we communicate with our brain’s safety center. Repetition of safety.

Changing The Narrative. Breaking The Cycle.

The solution to this reaction is repetition. We must repeatedly show our subconscious we are safe, and there are numerous ways to do this. This does take some practice, but once you initiate the habit of doing it, it becomes second nature. It just takes a little initial effort.

Step I: Reframe what is happening in that moment

When you wake up terrified, the first step to breaking this cycle is to reframe what is happening to you. It helps, in this case (and this is what I used to do), to write yourself a note in large letters or somewhere you can see when you wake up in the middle of the night. I had notes on my bedside table and on my bedroom door, on both sides, so I could remind myself.

When you wake up terrified, take a moment to feel what you are experiencing. Then, take a deep breath, and remind yourself what is happening: The brain has identified being awake as a threat and this is a natural reaction to that. Nothing is wrong. It is very normal. Talk to yourself. Remind yourself that you are safe and sound. Be gentle with yourself. Thank your brain for its heroic attempt to keep you alive. Realize you are safe. Deep breaths. Then, slowly let it go.

Yes, it is uncomfortable. Yes, it may be difficult to do at first. But it is necessary to get into the habit of breaking the cycle, breaking the loop. Interrupting the thoughts and emotions which cascade.

Step II: Personalize it and welcome it in

This may sound a bit silly at first. Let me assure you, however, it is incredibly powerful and effective.

When you wake up terrified, take a moment and notice how you feel. The pit in your stomach, the anxiety, the terror, any body sensations you have, and any emotions you have. Be intentional.

Once you have, give the thoughts and feelings a name. You are free to make it a funny name. Once you have a name, use your brain’s imagery and give it a costume. Colorful clothes or a funny outfit. Shoes, socks, make it funny or humorous. Give it a hairdo and makeup, glasses, nail polish… anything to make it a character that you recognize and can remember.

Now the important part: the next time it shows up, greet it by name. “Oh, hello Frank! I see you’ve decided to show up tonight. And you’ve brought your friends fear and anxiety with you. Wonderful! Come on in and stay for a while. Please take your shoes off if you are going to walk on the carpet. Want some coffee or tea?”

As I said, this sounds silly, but it is so effective. It accomplishes two important things:

1. First, when you call it by name and acknowledge its presence, it tells the brain that you are listening. Feelings like anxiety are signals, and if the brain does not feel heard, it will just scream louder.

2. Second, you intentionally make room for the thoughts and feelings to exist. Most of the power of these thoughts and feelings stems from your attempt to ignore them or make them go away. Make room for them to exist and listen to them, and they will lessen in intensity and eventually disappear.

For some, this practice has an immediate effect. For most of the clients I see though, it takes some time to work. And that’s okay. We have to remember that the survival response is incredibly powerful, and in order to change that, we need repetition to show the brain it is safe. In order for this to work, it must be repeated, time after time after time. If it doesn’t work right away, keep doing it. It will work with time.

Step III: Safety

Remember, we need to show our brains we are safe through repetition. So, if you are awake in the middle of the night and choose to get out of bed, do something you enjoy. Doing enjoyable things when you are awake is like a double shot of safety. We are (1) showing our brain it is safe to be awake, and (2) showing our brain thar it is enjoyable to be awake!

Summary

If you take anything from this, even if you do not put the methods into practice, remember one thing: Break. The. Cycle. -and- Change The Narrative.

(More on narrative in my next article!!)

When you find yourself in fear, terrified, scared, anxious… break the cycle. Remind yourself you are safe. Remind yourself this is a normal response. Remind yourself that your brain is trying to help you! Keep breaking the cycle and you will see progress. Remember: repetition is how the brain gets the message!

I hope that helps you understand why this occurs. I also hope that I have provided you some tools you need to take the power away from these terrifying awakenings. I beg you, if you try this, do not give up. Many people who start doing the right things wind up giving up too soon (after a few days) because they think it isn’t working. I can tell you that it is working, it just takes time.

As usual, if you have a topic or question you’d like me to address, please leave me a comment and I will get to it as soon as I can. Otherwise, please stay tuned for more articles on sleep and insomnia, and the journey towards recovery and effortless, restful sleep. Thank you!