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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: Reporting For 
Date: Jul 14/99 02:57:03 -0700 PDT

14 July 1999 6:43 pm

Dearest Ray,

It’s probably time to stop writing, “I just got to the ‘net.” It’s becoming such a humdrum way to start an email. I’m trying to find a more creative way to do it, but I’m coming up with a blank.

I got home around 3:30 pm. I worked in the morning, proceeded to Makati at lunchtime to deliver an application and some collections that needed to be deposited at the bank. Then I finished some paperwork in my cubicle, asked my secretary for the lists of lapsed cases so I can follow them up (for demutualization purposes), and then I went home.

I was able to talk to my ex’s lawyer. He said he filed the withdrawal, and I asked for a copy of the motion, which my messenger is picking up on Friday. He says the judge can do two things: One, say he can’t accept it and pass judgment; or two, he can’t just leave it be, and I can file another case based on another ground after 15 days. He said he can’t hold off the case. Anyway, we agreed we’ll talk again next week.

Yeah, you can call my request a right to more privacy. I know Trina’s mom must be curious about me, especially since it appears they had a vested interest in you before we met. I know your friends were trying to pair you with her before I came into the picture.

Let me tell you what happened in one talk attended by my colleagues, where Trina was the moderator. I don’t attend many of these talks, so I was quite surprised when they told me she was saying things against me at the meeting. They all thought the same thing: If she were any smarter, she should have kept her mouth shut. My colleagues said they found themselves looking at her differently afterward.

It can’t be helped, Ray. We try to protect each other and close ranks when things like this happen, given our line of work. They said they thought she was arrogant, but I just shrugged and said, “Ladies, unless you've been there, you don't know how much it hurts to love a guy who doesn't love you back.”

I am almost certain she talks about me at their office and even though our company is an international one, we’re like a small community of agents and we know each other if not by name, then by face.

And because of that small community, news flies fast.

We have a meeting at her building next Friday. Want me to show off your ring to her? I’d be more than glad to show it off, haha! I don’t know her interest in things related to Armada. She has a boyfriend, right?

On another note, I haven’t asked Eileen what type of guy she wants to date. But she’s tall, so I suppose you should look for an unattached tall guy too. Someone as caring and good-looking as you?

I better go. I think that’s about the whole reporting I have for today.

I love you, and that comes with a big warm hug.

Jas

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From: Rae Armani <armani_99z@yahoo.com> Save Address Block Sender  
To:  Sayuri Genki <geisha_99z@yahoo.com>
Subject: The Email Operator 
Date: Thu Jul 15 1999 06:52:11 + 0000 GMT

July 15/99 12:25 am/Thu

July 16/99 Fri 3:30 pm

Dearest Jas,

You must be in a deep slumber by this hour.

I read the attachment you sent just before heading to the dentist. I’ve probably read your emails so many times that I must have memorized them by now. I think we’re getting a little behind in our correspondence since you send me both attachments and emails. That’s okay, though. Please keep them coming.

Tell me, is there such a thing as an email operator? Do you think someone actually gets to read our emails? I hope not! We can’t even send anything “green” for fear of the email police. Haha!

I got home early this morning, around 10:00. On my way back from the dentist, I picked up Albert so we could do a little experimental cooking here at my place. We made adobong manok and sinigang na isda. At least I’m learning a little. Albert is a really good cook.

Tonight, Peter and Louie are coming over again. We’re going to watch a video of a Filipino group that’s planning a tour of Canada. I can’t remember their name right now, but I’ll ask you later if you’ve heard of them and whether they’re any good. We might handle their show here in Calgary if the price they’re asking is reasonable.

Years ago, we brought the Bayanihan Dancers1 here, and we actually made a profit from that—but that was a long time ago.

I’ve got to go now. We’re about to watch Kris Aquino’s TV show. 2I finally had my satellite fixed.

Are you awake yet? Should I give you a call?

Don’t worry about me. I’m taking good care of myself.

Love you to the moon and back,

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: A Few Lines Before The Day Ends
Date: Jul 13/99 1999 21:56:41-0700 PDT

July 13/99 Tue 9:03 pm

Dearest Ray,

You must be off work by now.

As for my usual, after I wrote you a few lines, I sent a quick email to my mom, although Hotmail kept warning me that I was entering an unsafe web space. Who knew being on the ‘net could make you feel weird and unsafe, as if someone was watching while you typed? Do you get that nervous, anxious sense sometimes?

I’m not in the best form today, feeling woozy from lack of sleep. I’m a light sleeper, and when I don’t get enough sleep, I feel lightheaded the next day. I was praying I’d fall asleep quickly, but I was pretty aware of the lights outside my window and could hear a dog barking in the distance. Then I start to worry because I have so much work waiting for me in the morning. But at the end of the day, it is what it is.

I watched Discovery Channel before I drove to the ‘net cafe. I’m pretty inclined to watch CNN, Discovery and Style with Elsa Klensch. What about you? Did you watch that old Flor Contemplacion movie?1

A little trivia here: Did I tell you I was supposed to go to Singapore in early ’95 to cover her execution? My boss from Singapore, who owned the magazine, told me to fly there. I gave it a day’s thought, but I was worried because they were questioning Filipino journalists at Changi Airport. So I told him I wasn’t going to put myself under scrutiny in a foreign country. He wasn’t happy, but I was practically the only writer he had in his small magazine, haha!

How was the Calgary Stampede? I gather it’s a lot of fun, like a circus, right?

Next week, my group will be meeting every Friday to discuss weaknesses in sales, how to gather more listings, etc. My boss suggested this because we can’t meet any other day, except Fridays, when we’re out on the field. Then, of course, we go to Starbucks.

It’s a good thing Emme asked me to pick her up from classes every Saturday, which will go on until February. I don’t mind at all. It gives me something to look forward to each week.

How are you? How’s my gorgeous Mr. Armada?

I love my ring, especially when the light hits the diamond. It’s beautiful. Thank you so much for this promise.

And take care of yourself, please.

Jas

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From: Rae Armani <armani_99z@yahoo.com> Save Address Block Sender  
To:  Sayuri Genki <geisha_99z@yahoo.com>
Subject: Wednesday bash with friends 
Date: Thu Jul 15 1999 06:52:11 + 0000 GMT

July 15/99 12:25 am/Thu

Dearest Jas,

Just got home. I got an older email dated July 10, but that’s ok. I like reading old news, haha! Peter dropped me off. I had a few drinks, but don’t worry—I’m okay. Minsan lang naman nangyayari ‘to. 2We ended up at a karaoke bar and had a good time. I don’t really drink much anymore, unlike before. Remember when we had Buds at the hotel? I think I had three shots tonight.

In answer to your question you wrote in another email: Most of my white friends are already taken. But tell your co-worker I’ll try to find one for her here. I don’t know if she likes Caucasian guys or does she prefer a Flip? (Filipino). You know very well I don’t have many Filipino friends save for a few that you know of already. They’re all taken though, the bad thing being they’re also on the verge of getting a divorce. I’m not sure if they’re good boyfriend material, like you describe, haha! I learned that from you.

I’m sorry to hear you’re still getting these warnings about a third party attempting to breach our emails. I hope the change in our email accounts will help.

Tomorrow I’m only working a half day since the office closes at 1 p.m.

It’s getting late, but I wanted to write you a few lines before I go to bed. I love you.

You know, while we were at the bar, I couldn’t help thinking about you. I even felt a little guilty being out with friends. But I guess I shouldn’t. It’s healthy to spend time with them once in a while.

Anyway, I’m going to sleep now.

I miss you. Sleep well, my love. Good night. ❤️

Ray.

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From: Sayuri Genki <geisha_99z@yahoo.com> Save Address Block Sender  
To: Rae Armani <armani_99z@yahoo.com> 
Subject: A lot of Stories On a Night Like This 
Date: 12 Mon Jul 1999 04:23:15 -0700 PDT

July 12/99 1999 7:10 pm

Dearest Ray,

I hope you remembered to open your computer. I sent an attachment ahead of time so you’d have something waiting to read when you woke up.

I spent the entire afternoon with my co-agent group. The meeting officially started at 1:00 p.m., but I didn’t get there until around 2:00 because I was busy making appointments for tomorrow—and even a few more for Wednesday.

At one point, believe it or not, you became the topic of conversation.

The meeting went on for three hours and then Lynlee invited everyone for coffee at Starbucks Timog.1 There were twelve of us, and you know how twelve women can be when they get together. It didn’t take long before you became the topic of conversation. While they know you in some fuzzy way, they don’t know enough so the inevitable question came: “Do you have a picture?” So I pulled one out, and before I knew it, my ring was making the rounds again.

Of course I didn’t want to stay longer pero nakantyawan ako. 2

It didn’t stop there. These ladies are all green minded! They asked what happened during the ten days. These are all married women, save for a couple single, younger ladies. We’re quite open because I have been with this group for a few years now.

You could just say our meeting was so noisy that we hoped no one outside the meeting room heard us. One girl said I looked like I lost weight, haha!

The girls almost looked like they were drunk—they were laughing so hard! I’d really like you to meet them when you’re here. I think you’d have a great time with them.

I stayed for coffee till about 6:30, then finally said I had to leave. As I was walking away, I could still hear them carrying on about Viagra, sex, and their love lives. Trust me, with that group, there’s never a dull moment.

I drove home a little faster than usual—but carefully—because I wanted to get to the net café and send you that note. I’ll write you a longer one another day.

Jas

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From: Rae Armani <armani_99z@yahoo.com> Save Address Block Sender  
To:  Sayuri Genki <geisha_99z@yahoo.com>
Subject: Missing You
Date: Thu July 15 1999 20:44:41 -0400 ETD

July 15/99 5:59 pm Thu

Dearest Jas,

I’m getting confused with the dates on our emails, especially when I just woke up, but that’s ok. You are trying to send me old news but I’ll take that as a compliment, meaning, you can’t stop yourself from writing me. :)

I took a nap since I got home early from work, after the company stampede lunch. We have the option to stay till 5 pm but as you know, I don’t drink and drive. There was an overflow of booze and it’s like this year after year.

I felt like going back to sleep after our talk this morning. I just missed you so I said I’d call.

I hope the boys don’t come tonight. I’ll fix supper soon and maybe do a bit of workout, take a shower, watch the Stampede fireworks (I’ll be able to see it from my deck) then go back to sleep.

So you got roasted by your co-workers. I wouldn’t be surprised if they kept egging you to spill the beans so they can hear all the details. I’m glad I didn’t meet them. I don’t want to be roasted either, haha!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the dentist at 8 am. It’s my quarterly checkup and then I will proceed to work. For sure it’ll be a half day as theres not much to do. People usually just drink and bullshit because it’s Stampede which runs till Tuesday.

You won’t believe it, but it snowed in our area this morning. It was so light although it’s a rare thing to get snow in summer. It melted just as soon as it touched the ground. Temps were freezing but it shot up to 21C by afternoon. Ang weird, ano?3

So, you are busy showing off your ring? It’s probably a good thing that everyone knows about it too. At least it’s now formalized that we are engaged and it’s just a matter of time before we take the next step, soon after your annulment. A little patience, a lot of trust and love is all we need to weather this. We still have a few storms coming our way, but I need you to be strong.

Pls drive defensively if you’re on your way to work. I’ll workout and then fix supper. I love you.

Ray

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From: Rae Armani <armani_99z@yahoo.com> Save Address Block Sender  
To:  Sayuri Genki <geisha_99z@yahoo.com>
Subject: Love is a Wondrous Thing 
Date: Mon Jul 12 1999 18:14:29 -0700 PDT 

July 12/99 5:34 pm

Dearest Jas,

I read your email before I took off this morning. I didn’t sleep well last night. It was too hot and humid. We hit a record 31C for the first time. Normally, it cools off as evening begins but last night was really different. Definitely, I need an a/c. As a rule, Canadians don’t install air conditioning as summer is too short a season and the nights cool down.

Today is the first day of Stampede and it means people go to the bar right after work. Grabe ang traffic. 1mostly are tourists coming from the US. It is like a Mardi Gras where people dance on the streets. Do you know how to dance a square dance? It goes with country music tunes. I heard Shania Twain and Bryan Adams are in town.

I haven’t been to the bar since January. Before, I’d be the one raring to go on Friday nights with my officemates. No kidding Jas, you made me change! Now, rather than go, I’d prefer drinking with the gang at home. This is safer than drinking and driving.

The first night after you drove off from the hotel was the hardest for me too. I was on the plane actually. I recalled our fight and I regret the harsh words I said. I’m like that and then after a while I regret what I say or do. On the other hand, I think it’s a good thing we did kasi 2at least next time we know when to stop.

Alam ko na mahal na mahal mo ako 3and you know how much you mean to me too. Thank you for the faith and trust….these are what we will need in the months we weather more storms.

I love you Jas, and I miss you very much.

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: All the Love and Gratitude 
Date: Fri Jul 9 1999 19:48:05 -0700 PDT

10 Jul 1999 Sat 10:40 pm

Dearest Ray,

Hi, this is an older email. I think you might have read some of the news here in another email I sent previously.

As promised, I am at the ‘net earlier. I can’t stay long though as I have to pick up Emme from school.

Seems yahoo keeps warning me about the possibility of a third party being able to read our emails.

Thanks for calling last night. My only worry is this person who keeps pestering us and wants to rock our relationship. I wonder what his/her motivation might be. Again, we’re not about to give them the light of day, let’s see who has more staying power.

Because of the possibility someone is reading our emails (how do they do that?) I will refrain from sending vital information here for the meantime. On the other hand, let them fester with jealousy. Sooner or later, they’d have to give up. So much for crab mentality, why does it never go away?

This is going to be a short email, but I will wait for your call this weekday.

Love you to the moon and back,

Jas

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: My Home Will Be You
Date: 11 July 1999 20:23:00 Sun PDT

11 July 1999 06:30 pm

Dearest Ray,

We just finished dinner. Since our maid is still on holiday, I had to cook. I made beefsteak—you know what that is, right? One thing I’ve noticed about you…Pinoy na Pinoy ka pa rin. 1I thought just because you’ve lived in Canada for so long, you’d be more Canadian. Your pagka-Bisaya 2and Canadian mix is so endearing.

The house feels peaceful right now, especially after the rain.

When I moved back into my parents’ home, the place needed a lot of repairs. It’s a family compound, with a small house at the back where my brother lives with his young family. My younger sister stays in the main house, although she practically lives in her car more often than not.

There are four bedrooms upstairs and an office downstairs. My dad used it for his export business and law practice back in the day. These days, it’s become my workspace—the place where I write, make calls, and, of course, talk to you.

The house needed a lot of love to make it livable when we first moved in. With everyone gone, it would only be me, the kids and Sienna living in it. My mom always predicted that whoever lived in the little house out back would one day end up with a house of their own. Funny enough, that’s exactly how it’s worked out. Of course, I never imagined, not in a hundred years, that I’d end up living in my childhood home again at this stage of my life. But in a way, it’s comforting to know there’s a place to come home to when life takes an unexpected turn.

I’ve had the walls repainted in a soft off-white, and I had an old sofa reupholstered to make the living room feel a little warmer and more inviting.

The kids are in the living room playing games on the TV while we wait for Emme to be picked up. They said their overnight stay at Fontana wasn’t as much fun as Splash Island, but since I wasn’t with them, I really can’t compare.

Earlier, I took Emme for a trim, then we ran a few errands. It’s been another ho-hum day, but I made myself look through my job listings. I can’t keep putting it off because I have a lot of work appointments lined up over the next few days.

I still can’t get into my personal Yahoo email—the one you changed the password for. The computer kept asking me to log in and enter the password again. Yesterday, I spent so much time at the internet café because I was deleting old files and emails from Yahoo. I wasn’t even sure I’d managed to print everything, but I’ve been printing our emails since May.

We both agree this long distance relationship has been hard, and the first night after you left was one of the hardest, for me at least. What made it even worse was what we were told at the Canadian Embassy. But your emails, cards and calls have made it all bearable. We’ve weathered a few storms in the months we’ve been together, and you’ve handled every one of them beautifully. If not for your strength and perseverance, I don’t think I could have gotten through all of this on my own.

I care deeply about you. I’ve come to realize that my world doesn’t quite work unless I know you’re okay and happy. We’ve known each other for less than a year, but somehow that doesn’t seem to matter. I know how you react to things, and I know when to draw closer and when to give you space, especially since we’re both sensitive about certain topics.

I know this much: There is a Reason and a Season under the Heavens. 3I don’t believe meeting you was an accident. It simply gives me faith that there’s someone greater than us quietly guiding our lives.

Mahal Kita.

Jas

Dear Tito Ray,

Hi! Long time no write! Well, just joking. Di ba4you know we went to Clark at Mimosa it was really fun there and know what? We swum but I have a bruise on my knee. I really cried that it was hurting so much and a man came carrying the first aid box. I saw there were many things in the box a cotton, betadine and much much more.

Well I have to go. I’m sleepy. GoOdByE

JeSsIE

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From: Rae Armani <armani_99z@yahoo.com> Save Address Block Sender  
To:  Sayuri Genki <geisha_99z@yahoo.com>
Subject: Being In Love Is Great
Date: Sun 11 Jul 1999 20:53:10 -0700 PDT 

July 11/99 Sun 8:50 pm

Dearest Jas,

Ate Nina (Trina’s mom) and Pacita just left. They called this morning and wanted to stop by to see my place. I had a tennis game but it was cancelled last minute and I was in a panic what to prepare for supper. I picked up some Chinese food instead. Pedro didn’t go with them. They’re in the warpath like I told you. Looks like it’s very bad although Pacita wants to be civilized about the divorce. She wants him out of the house or he has to buy her share of the house.

Louie and Albert were here last night. Louie is in the same situation. The wife wants a divorce because she’s fed up with Louie’s philandering. Between you and me, these guys are really two-of-a-kind. I’m not in a position to give advice since I’m also on the verge of a divorce although in our case there is no third party. Sila, puro chicks ang dahilan.5

Anyway, I tried your Hotmail and it worked. Before you log in, click on the dot (increased security for shared public terminal…) and then type in your login name. Your PW is Oct04xyz.

So, are you wearing your ring? Of course you are! It’s just to formalize that I’ve asked you to marry me. Will you really marry me, Ms So? Wait! Didn’t I ask you several times already? Yes, Jas, I will wait, no matter what.

They liked my simple interiors. Cozy daw. 6its a hodgepodge of used furniture plus a new round glass table and chairs. I will mail the thank you card for Drigs and his wife this week. I will have to get international stamps at the card store.

Maybe I’ll send you a few more pictures of my new place next week. The deck is quite large, and there’s a storage unit built into the wall for all the odds and ends. You’ll also be pleased to know I’ve started working out again.

Well, gotta go iron some clothes for work. It’s good because it keeps me busy and makes time fly. See you in December, love!

Take care.

Ray.

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Hi Jess!

How are you? Does your knee still hurt? Well, Tito Ray could have taken care of your bruise if only I was there. Anyway, I hope you’re okay now. Maybe you should teach me how to swim when we meet sometime. Can you swim to the deep end of the pool? Aren’t you scared?

Gotta go. Take care and be a good girl to your mom.

Tito Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: Memoirs
Date: 10 Jul 1999 11:05 pm PDT pm 

Dearest Ray,

Hi! I’m not in the least sleepy. I watched a lot of TV just to pass the time. I’m alone now. The kids left for Fontana (Mimosa, Clark Field) with my brother Drigs and his wife. They know after the incident with you earlier this year I don’t like long distance driving, for the time being anyway. So it’s good they invited the kids who’ve been raring to go swimming. It’s not that far, about a hour and a half, but with the traffic on the Expressway, it’ll be a longer drive.

Sienna and I just finished My Bestfriend’s Wedding on HBO. I prefer writing to you in the quiet of the evenings without distraction. I have this feeling someone is reading our mail, or trying to get into our emails. At the net, I kept getting this warning that there was a third party that may be reading my emails. It kept saying to cancel or continue.

With the kids not here, I spent the day reading and talking to my sister.

I haven’t finished reading Memoirs. I read when everyone is in bed and the world is snoozing. I also like to read in bed, and as a kid I used to bring a flashlight under the covers so I don’t wake the others. I’ve seen the Celestine Prophecy in the bookstore, but I haven’t read it yet.

Go on, reading is better than entertaining thoughts of women and sex, haha! No, you’re more behaved than that, right?

I’m on my own tomorrow since it’s the maids day off. I’ll probably drive to the bookstore, then do some restudying of my lists for resales. I have barely touched the surface of the company I go to these days.

I still can picture you eating so much balut1 that we bought when you were here. It was funny because as a rule, I don’t eat them. I find it a little too much for my imagination.

It seems talk follows that the girls at work knew I was not in Cebu but holed up in a hotel with you!

So you got to talk to my mom. What did you two discuss? You think I should just give up my petition and apply for a tourist visa? I don’t know about that. I’m not even sure that if they withdrew my US petition, will I get a tourist visa just in case?

Although it’s been how many days since you flew back to Calgary, I still remember very clearly the dawn of June 26, I saw you right away. And when you left, I couldn’t care less when people watched us kiss goodbye and then I asked for another kiss while I was in the car.

Are you still listening to my tape?

Did you get to the part where I say “I’d like to meet someone who can be my companion for life?” I taped that around March of 1998.

And then you arrived late Dec 1998! From the first time I laid eyes on you, I had a feeling something unforgettable was about to happen in my life, do you get those déjà vu feelings?

Did you hear that part about the seminar I attended at CEFAM (Ateneo)? 2It was a terrible time because that was a talk with all single moms and if you heard their reasons why they chose to be alone, you’d see the inequality of it all.

Later…

Thank you for calling! We just spoke for half an hour and you’re going to get a huge phone bill. But hearing your voice makes up for it. I’ll send you a voice tape once I’ve accumulated enough stuff to talk about, how about that? I love you.

Jas

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: Ain’t No Mountain High Enough
Date: Fri 09 July 1999 23:51:14 -0700 PDT 

July 09/99 06:20 pm

Dearest Ray,

Hi! I just got to the ’net after working all morning. This afternoon, I made the 30-minute drive to see my dentist, Dr. Vasquez.

I read your email, then had it printed. They’re making a killing—not just from printing, but also from charging for internet use. And when the kids are with me, we usually end up ordering food there too. They’ve got themselves quite the sweet little business!

How did your talk with my mom go? What did you guys talk about? I’m pretty sure my mom already told Auntie Nelly about you. They’re phone buddies, always chatting.

Auntie Nelly is my baptismal godmother, and she lives in Vegas with Uncle Don, her hubby. They used to live inside Clark Air Base back in the ’60s, and I spent a few summers there during school breaks when I was a kid—probably around eight years old.

That was where I first saw milk in a box and bought my very first Black Barbie at the toy store. I named her Shirley. Can you imagine?

Go see them Ray. They are nice, but they also like tsismis, 1I guess…haha!

How did your conversation with Trina’s mom go? Did she get asar 2with you because you didn’t tell her you were here?

I like that you are finding this temporary separation less harder, it just goes to show we are surer of where we are heading. Sometimes, I admit, I still feel frustrated, and then feel like crying. I know it’s not your fault I can’t move things faster, but I’m still very secure about our situation. You make me feel that way…and I know, no matter what, you’ll be there for me.

Thank you for setting my new email for me. Also please, don’t use our Hotmail since it’s gotten so difficult to access.

I miss our simple breakfast: papaya, sardines, coffee and the long morning conversations. I miss this and more.

Much love and take care,

Jas

PS. I’m sending you Emme’s attachment.

Dear Tito Ray,

Hi! Thanx for the card and the email. Your card is very nice. You asked how my birthday trip to Tagaytay went. It wasn’t a trip, it was a party! It was very nice because of all the neat presents I got. It was cool and really great! We celebrated it on May 22.

You write sad poems, but it was good. Maybe someday you can write a happy poem, and send it to me.

You asked what medium I like best. I like oil pastels best. I don’t like water color, they are mushy and fussy. I mean, messy.

You know, having separated parents isn’t easy. It’s like you just snap your fingers and then, instant annulment or divorce. But hey, you’ll never understand. My mom doesn’t, so how can you?

My mom asked me if I gave your email address to my dad. Why would I? I’m not a kid anymore. I understand everything. I know it would be bad and it doesn’t make anything good.

I didn’t know that painting while everyone is snoring is good! For you, maybe. I think you live alone. Do you like being alone? Alone sucks. You have a son, right? Does he live with you? If he isn’t, did he choose to be with his mom or did you choose for him? I think it would be better if he chose for himself. That way it’s gonna be fair.

O tama na daw. My mom says this is already a nobela. 3

Emme.

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The Deal

So here’s the deal. I can’t honestly say I can cover everything we’ve experienced since moving from Calgary to Manila. There have been a lot of ups and downs and adjustment after living in Canada for two decades. Even more so for my husband, who moved countries in his early twenties before deciding, decades later, to pack up and do it all over again.

Little Pieces of Our Life

While I don’t share a lot about our present personal life—either in Canada or here in the Philippines—I do write about little vignettes now and then. Maybe, over time, those stories will come together and paint a clearer picture of how we live, and how different life is now compared with the one we had in Canada.

I think that’s probably the fairest way to tell our story.

“You’re Moving… Where?”

When we first moved here, many of my friends and family were aghast. Completely surprised.

One of my sisters worried about my health. How, she asked, could you possibly compare the fresh mountain air with the smog and pollution of Manila? She had a point. I wondered the same thing. At times, it felt like I was being swept into something I couldn’t quite swim against.

Leaving Family Behind

There was also the reaction from my children, especially my youngest. She said she would have appreciated having me around while her kids were still young. I’d miss so much of my grandchildren growing up, and she wasn’t wrong.

I would have also wanted the chance to get to know my adult kids in a different way. They’re all self-sufficient now, and our relationship has naturally changed. Where we used to pick up the restaurant bill, they’re often the ones treating us. It’s one of those quiet reminders that your children really have grown up.

But retiring while we could still enjoy it was also a priority.

The Weight of Letting Go

Retirement in the Philippines didn’t begin the day we landed. It had started long before that, with a series of decisions that slowly prepared us for a different kind of life.

Of course there was the guilt. And the guilt was huge. Leaving my kids and not seeing my grandkids was one of them. At first, it felt like running away until, of course, it didn’t.

By this time, I had already gotten used to downsizing. We had gone from a four-bedroom, three and a half bath suburban home to a two-bedroom, and finally to our apartment in Global City.

You could say it was an exercise in letting go of everything we had accumulated over almost 27 years of marriage. And you know what? A lot of it didn’t really matter.

It had served its purpose.

I held on to a few things—my ceramic pottery bowl collection, little treasures from our travels, family photos and albums, and my books. But it became clear that once the rest was out of sight, it was also out of mind. None of the kids wanted our things anyway, so we gave much of it away.

Looking Back

Looking back doesn’t mean I regret our decision.

There are things I miss about Canada. I miss the long walks I took with our dog, Udon around the storm ponds. I miss the parks scattered throughout the city, the national parks just a drive away, and hiking through seasons that announced themselves with changing colours, changing light, and familiar smells that seemed to awaken old memories.

I miss the wide-open spaces, where you could walk far without feeling like you were part of a sea of people moving in every direction.

Missing those things doesn’t mean I wish we’d stayed. It simply means they were a meaningful part of our lives, and it’s only natural to remember them.

Starting Over

When I first moved to Canada, people were surprisingly liberal with their opinions about who I was. These were people who didn’t approve of who Ray had married, so they seemed to think they had a say in our marriage.

Some dismissed me as a PAL—someone living off her husband. Others assumed Ray married me for my looks. More galling, they seemed to think that having three kids somehow made me less worthy of finding love.

People said comments like that to my face, and I answered back. I’ve never been one to take things lying down. It felt like an affront because they didn’t know me at all. They didn’t know my story or the sacrifices that came with marrying my husband and starting a new life in another country. In the end, I chose my company carefully and learned to protect my boundaries. It also, in many ways, reinforced the fact that Filipinos can carry that crab mentality with them wherever they go.

Proving Myself

Immigrants educated outside Canada often have more to prove than those educated there. At least, that was my experience.

I had to prove to editors and publications that I could write, even though English is my second language.

In many ways, I was lucky. I had a husband who always encouraged me in the one direction he knew mattered most to me.

“Just write.”

So I did.

I walked into publications around Calgary and peddled my work. Some editors gave me assignments. It wasn’t enough to proudly say I had arrived, but it was enough to keep going.

Of course, anyone who’s made a living writing knows the catch: you work your ass off, and the pay rarely reflects the effort.

What We Value

One of the things I miss about Calgary is its libraries. There’s one in every quadrant, and some you can even walk to from home. There has always been a dearth of libraries in Manila, even when I lived here. The few that did exist were mostly in universities or historic, antique-looking public buildings. For a time, there were also American-run libraries, and I’d walk to one in Makati during my lunch break to browse the latest American newspapers.

It’s surprising how people react to your need to see a library. One friend remarked that libraries were only for bookish people. Maybe that’s true for some, but where we lived in Canada, libraries were community spaces. You’d find students, seniors, parents with young children, newcomers learning English, and people just looking for a peaceful place to read or work.

Books, by and large, are a luxury here. Not everyone can walk into a bookstore and buy them, so it’s a good thing there are now apps where you can borrow or rent ebooks if you have access to them. You can also find second-hand books in stores at the malls. A coffee shop in our complex has even become a repository for books donated by residents, where you can browse while sipping coffee and enjoying a pastry. I’m also grateful that I can still borrow ebooks and e-magazines from my library in Canada.

What people here do have access to are huge, air-conditioned malls where they can cool off and eat out. There’s nothing wrong with that, but we’ve noticed that much of life in the Philippines revolves around buying and consuming. Very little is truly free.

It would be nice if the government built more libraries, especially for children, but the sad reality is that this isn’t a priority. We once went to a pottery show at a children’s museum, only to learn later that it was going to be demolished and replaced by a casino. That was hard to take, especially since there’s no shortage of luxurious casinos in Manila.

Just the Two of Us

Because there’s just the two of us now, gone are the days of potlucks, barbecues, camping, hiking, and all the outdoorsy things we used to do in Canada. We rarely entertain at home anymore. Instead, Ray and I get invited to barbecues with his tennis and pickleball friends, most of whom are millennials. We also attend the occasional residents’ event—a 50th wedding anniversary, a neighbour’s 92nd birthday, or the annual Christmas party. Then there are the long lunches with my college friends, which, to me, are a lifesaver. They’re not frequent, but they’re enough to remind us we’re part of a community.

Convenience

One of the best things about living here is the convenience. Groceries, restaurants, pharmacies, clinics—almost everything is within walking distance. Traffic may be Manila’s greatest curse, but if you choose your hours carefully, you can simply walk. Otherwise, there’s always Grab.

Today, as I write this, I tell Ray we’re out of groceries and should probably shop tomorrow. Tomorrow can wait. Tonight I’ll simply walk five minutes downstairs and pick up Hainanese chicken for dinner.

The Law of Small Spaces

Most mornings, after our ritual cups of warm water and small talk, my husband’s first question is always the same: “So… what’s on the menu today?”

I take menu making very seriously, and he’s also collecting his own recipes on his iPhone. Sometimes, he will tell me what new recipe or cooking style he discovered, and say, I’d like to buy a new pressure cooker. He knows realistically, there’s no room in the kitchen (we are renovating as this is being written). He knows I don’t like deep fried food or fish smells, hence the air fryer.

When we were still corresponding via email, he would tell me he was baking fish or chicken in the oven, nothing about deep fried food. It turns out my husband is a huge frying pan guy.

One thing we have become more intentional is how we eat. I’ve always made weekly menus, derived from my Pinterest collections. These days I’ve added another helper: AI. I type in whatever is left in my fridge and pantry, and somehow it turns leftovers into dinner ideas. It’s surprisingly good at clearing out the refrigerator.

I do think we eat better here, even though we also had access to the best produce and products in Canada. Jess would beg to disagree. She says I stocked up on Johnsonville’s breakfast sausages, frozen pizza, sometimes, frozen dinner. Of course, my grocery bill was huge then; about $300 per week, compared to Php 20K here, and that’s for a month! I like doing the grocery run by myself, but Ray has taken an interest in it too.

When Ray is with me, trust me, the grocery bill is always bigger.

He would tell me, “You’re so cheap. We’re retired, we need to enjoy what we eat now.”As if we didn’t before.

Here we enjoy a balance between eating out and cooking our own meals. If I run out of a certain veggie, Ray or I can walk to Market!Market! down the street and buy from the fruit and veggie vendors there. I’m still amazed I can buy just two stalks of celery if that’s all I need.

Now there’s even a place similar to Bulk Barn called Heyday that sells everything in bulk—dates, nuts, seeds, a little of this and that, essential oils to try, and even toilet bowl cleaner and dishwashing liquid from dispensers.

Since coming home from Canada this May, I’ve found several packets of beef broth in the fridge. While I can use them, I do so sparingly, if at all. He’ll also taste the food I make and, finding it bland, reach for the soy sauce or guinamos, a fermented seafood condiment. I prefer sea salt, pepper, fresh herbs, spices. I also make homemade stock whenever time allows.

Every Saturday, we buy a huge haul of vegetables and fruit at the farmers’ market in our condo complex, brought in from Baguio and Pangasinan for the convenience of the residents. Sometimes we run into neighbours, say hello, make small talk, and catch up on what’s new. Ray, who is into tennis, pickleball, and the condo council—and just being the friendly guy that he is—gets a respectful salute from the concierge and the guards. Me? I get rewarded with huge smiles from the hardworking gardeners, plus the many friendly cats that sidle up to me as I walk by.

The Choice to Eat Out Or In

Let’s face it. Who doesn’t get tired of cooking?

It’s easy enough to eat out because there’s a plethora of eateries, restaurants, cafés, and pop-ups in all four directions where we live, most within walking distance—provided you don’t mind the sun beating down on you and arriving at your destination looking like you just ran a marathon.

One of our regular breakfast spots is Larry’s Café. We eat there a couple times a week. We like the generous portions and, I don’t know, there’s just something about its retro diner vibe, bentwood chairs, and relaxed ambiance.

Back at breakfast one morning, Ray showed me a recipe on his phone for pancit bihon using pork belly. I told him I had chicken breast and lean ground pork in the freezer. He wanted to buy pork adobo cut because it was closer to what the recipe called for. I’ve always made do with whatever I could scrounge from the fridge and the dry goods under the kitchen counter. That way, I can make the most of the protein we already have in the freezer instead of buying more, stretching our grocery budget a little further.

Sometimes, however, it’s better to concede and let him do his thing.

A Walk in the Garden

One of the things we like to do now is take a 20-minute walk after dinner in the gardens of our condo complex. Depending on the weather, if there’s a breeze, it can be cool and relaxing to take that short walk. Sometimes we stop by the EMS clinic and ask whoever is on duty to take our blood pressure. That’s the highlight of the day for retired folks.

To Go or Not to Go

The choice to go to the gym is really up to you—and whether you’re up to it. Using the treadmill isn’t very popular in our house because of the long lines. There are those who hog the machine for as long as they want or philosophically tell you there’s no such thing as a 20-minute limit, even when someone is waiting. So every time we think about using the treadmill, it becomes a debate. The only real alternative is to go earlier and beat the crowds.

Still, we try to go because we know how important it is to keep our aging joints moving. The pickleball court has finally reopened after repairs. Ray even paid for the cold plunge but has never actually used it. I tried it for a few seconds, climbed right back out, and haven’t been back since.

There really is no excuse not to keep fit where we live. All it takes is the will to get out and use the amenities. For me, it’s always been strength training, Pilates, and Tai Chi. At our age, becoming a couch potato simply isn’t an option.

Coming Full Circle

These days, our biggest debates are over what’s on the menu, our next grocery run, or whose turn it is to decide where we’re having breakfast. It’s not exactly the retirement I imagined years ago—but then again, I’m not sure I imagined retirement at all.

When we left Canada, I thought the biggest challenge would be adjusting to a country I hadn’t lived in for two decades. The challenge, it turned out, was not just learning to live without the routines. It was also figuring out the confusing way of making local and international calls, booking appointments, or simply how long it takes to open a bank account, which we have since adjusted to.

Retirement, I’ve discovered, isn’t one big adventure. It’s made up of ordinary days—morning coffee, grocery runs, walks in the garden, workouts, conversations over dinner, and the comfort of knowing there’s nowhere in particular we have to be tomorrow.

For now, we’re simply enjoying the chapter we’re in. It isn’t perfect, and we’re still figuring things out as we go. But that’s life, isn’t it? Every chapter brings its own surprises.

And knowing us, there will always be another story to tell.

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: Someone Waiting For You 
Date: Thu July 8/1999 18:16:07 PDT 

08 July 1999 6:45 pm

Dearest Ray,

The ’net cafe is full of kids! I mailed you the news clipping from the newspaper, then spent the whole morning working the phone—alternating between making appointments and calling lawyers to find out whether withdrawing the case and filing a new one on different grounds would be a viable option.

I spoke to my ex and his lawyer. I’m not very good at asking for a favor, but I did this time. I didn’t feel I was losing face 1because he knows this is for both our good. That’s why I’m trying to expedite everything. If he does what I asked, then once again, it all comes down to the judge. If I find the judge approachable, I’ll do what I can. Still, I know there’s a great deal of legwork ahead.

I read your email, and you really have a way of being funny! Did I send you Emme’s attachment?

No, I don’t think packing my things and leaving you at the hotel was something I could have done. I’m not that shallow. Fighting is simply part of any relationship. In fact, I don’t think it would be normal if we never fought, had a disagreement, or even a little quarrel.

Hey, my mom coming isn’t certain yet. I’m mailing her your picture because I’ve always confided in her. Don’t worry—I didn’t tell her everything. Some things are just for our eyes and ears.

I have to go now. I left the maid at the water station so she could pick up our drinking water for the week. I love you, and I’m fighting to keep my right to that love.

P.S. I’m reading Memoirs of a Geisha 2every night whenever I can’t sleep. The storyline is so good. I’m still at the part where Chiyo is about twelve years old. She’s still a maid but has already met the Chairman. It seems to be a universal tragedy, how child slavery has existed in so many places. That part is just so sad.

Jas

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   
To: geisha_99@yahoo.com   
Subject: I Miss You A Great Deal 
Date: Sat 10 July 1999 15:30:18 PDT

July 10/99 4:03 pm

Dearest Jas,

I wanted to call you this morning but I woke up late around 11. Just wanted to tell you about our new address. I don’t wanna tell you here cause you’re right, someone is trying to access my address as well.

It says a third party is trying to make an attempt to log in but can’t. I’ll call you a bit later. I know you must be sleeping. Make sure to memorize our address and don’t leave it lying around in a piece of paper.

It’s a quiet Saturday for me save for the fact I went to the bank, bought a cable for the satellite para naman updated ako sa showbiz tsismis sa ‘Pinas. 3

Tomorrow I have a tennis game at 7 pm so I might be late coming home. I’ll be able to write you around 10 pm which is noontime over there.

Louis and Albert came over around 11 pm last night. They called earlier asking me to meet them at the bar (today is the beginning of the Stampede Week- the greatest outdoor show on earth, as if)4 but I told the guys I didn’t want to drink and drive.

There’s a lot of roadblocks and the cops are nailing people with over limit of alcohol in their system. So, I watched the late show on TV and promptly fell asleep. I woke up when the guys came. Pedro wasn’t with them. Nakipag-date sa girlfriend niya. 5Haha! If only Pacita knows. Anyway, I think they’re on the verge of a divorce and it’s hard for Trina’s mom to stay at their place with the tension going on.

I like reading your long letters, Jas. I read it over and over. So, you are meeting your boss and Eileen on Monday? Give them my regards.

Always take care of yourself. I love you as ever.

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: When I Say Always I Mean Forever
Date: Wed 7 July 1999 18:01:48 PDT 

07 July 1999 6 pm

Dearest Ray,

Hi! I went to get my drivers license from the LTO which is just around the corner from here, then I dropped here at the Internet cafe. As usual, I did a lot of driving in my day, since I went to make calls, drove to Makati to deliver an application and back home past 3. The traffic as usual is horrendous.

Yahoo won’t read my password, so I can’t access my mails. Also, I was unable to call any of the lawyers. I just didn’t have the time.

You were in my mind so much that instead of going to GSIS, I absentmindedly drove to Nagtahan. I lost all sense of direction! I had to take another route back to Roxas Blvd, and I ended up late for my appointment.

July 08/99 8 pm Thursday

It’s still too early for sleep. We just finished dinner and I’m going through the pictures you sent. I love your encouraging words. Yes, it’s time to focus on the problems ahead. I know between you and me, you will have to bear your part in this long distance relationship. I know too how patient, how broad minded and understanding you have been with us. That is why I feel so lucky. I just wish the Lord can see that if ever there were two people who deserve another chance, it’s the two of us.

The girls at work were impressed with my ring. They said they can’t believe that in ripe my old age, may nabulag na guwapo sa akin1 I showed them your pictures taken at your new place and they said, yes, they agreed you had bragging rights. But of course, it’s your character that’s the main reason we click.

I better go. I will write again tomorrow.

Much love,

Jas

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: Light At The End Of The Tunnel 
Date: Fri Jul 09 1999 18:02:08 PDT

July 09 1999 4:55 pm

Dearest Jas,

Hi! Did you sleep well last night? Is tonight the night you’re watching Star Wars or was it last night? I washed the Jeep after talking to you and then had breakfast at McDonalds. On the way back, I dropped by Carlton cards to get some cards for you. Then afterwards, I went home and opened more boxes of books, clothes and CD’s. I’m just taking a break after all the work I did this morning. Then I cleaned the whole place as it’s so dusty. Rafa opened all the windows while I wasn’t here.

How are you? I missed you so much that’s why I had to call you. I’d like to talk to you again but had to stop myself. I will call on the weekend. I am sending a thank you card to Drigs and Armina for the dinner. I’ll use your address. Did you arrange that dinner or did they? We will take them out for dinner when I go back in December, ok?

The boys are coming over. Since I moved here, they have made my place their hang-out. All they need is a spare key and they’ll move in with me, haha!

Take your time with the lawyers. Do it one step at a time. I am not rushing you. What is important is that there will be no legal entanglement so we can process your petition as smoothly as possible.

I’ll come visit you while waiting for the annulment. It’s quite expensive but we have no choice. Just be civil with the ex. Who knows, he might help speed things up. Okay?

I’ll send Emme a letter this week by the way.

It’s going to be long sleepless nights all the way to December. But it’s going to be fine because I know someone is waiting for me too. Hopefully, before the end of the year, we will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love you. Take care of yourself.

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: THE WHEELS OF LIFE
Date: 7 July 1999 Wed 20:35:20 PDT

07 July 1999 Wed 19:45:00 pm

Dearest Ray,

So how’s my gorgeous Mr. Armada? You must be at work now. I got home a little while ago after leaving the ‘net. I was so hungry since the last thing I had was lunch at GSIS in Roxas Blvd. I read your email after composing a short note for you to read. Actually, Brij invited me to Susie’s birthday today but I had to beg off. I no longer like driving late at night, you know why.

I just got off the phone after talking to my mom. She asked about you. I told her you were here for nine days and what transpired: how the Canadian embassy wouldn’t honor a foreign divorce, and that I have to get an annulment just the same. I said you might be flying to New York come September for the US Open, and she wants you to see them! I told her about my engagement ring, and how flattering it is to be courted again! What wonderful changes in the life of a harassed single mom of three! Who can beat that! Maybe you can stay at my sister’s house?

I’m trying to organize my brain. I was on the phone with Armina, and how she found you. Like I said, Drigs thought you were serious… serious about your intentions, darling. I explained we have so many obstacles but we’re not about to give up. No way. Not when I just discovered that a person can love ”Without Condition.”

I have a lot of inquiring to do today. I don’t need another lawyer, is how Atty. Santander explained it. What I do need is to find someone who knows this judge handling my case and act like my padrino1 on my behalf. I need to know this judge’s schedule. Kit is trying to arrange an appointment for me with another judge from the same regional trial court in Paranaque. On the other hand my mom suggests it’s best to approach the judge and tell him my predicament. Atty Santander said to bring certain docs to his office so they can look into a memorandum or something. Otherwise, the only alternative is for me to file for independent immigration, which I’m told is never guaranteed.

So you got to listen to my tape. Did you listen to that of Gino Vanelli? I love those songs. They remind me so much of you. I play his songs when I’m in the car and the kids find it crazy why I play if over and over again daw.2

I have never sent anyone a voice tape. But I guess it can be arranged. Of course, there will still be cards. I kept your tee shirt by the way, the one you wore in Tagaytay.

It’s getting a little late and I need my sleep. Yes, we can talk…..on the phone. Maybe dream later? Haha! Sweet dreams.

Jas

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: THERES’S A PLACE FOR US
Date: Thu July 08 1999 18:14:34 PDT

July 8 1999 5:44 pm Thu Can

Dearest Jas,

I just got home from work. I was up early at 3 am and couldn’t go back to sleep so I started to read a book (The Celestine Prophecy) to kill the time. I listened to your voice tape and the songs on the way to work this morning. Hey, I’ve been doing this for the past three days. Memorize ko na nga.3

So you mailed the pictures? It’s my Friday off tomorrow so I might look for a computer table so I can get rid of the clutter on my kitchen counter. I will call you tomorrow night. That would be Saturday morning ok?

I’ll phone your mom on the weekend, ok? I might as well call Roy (my brother) in NY so he can arrange car rental for me. I’ll drive from New Jersey to your mom’s place in Wash DC. I’m not sure how far of a drive it is.

6:30 pm

Hi! I just talked to your mom for maybe a half hour. Well, she’s inviting me to visit. Also, she gave her sister Nelly’s phone number in Las Vegas in case I pass by. She said they already know about me and they want to meet me. It’s like a screening test pala, 4haha! What exactly did you mean when you said you told your mom everything about us?

Anyway, we talked about your US petition. I’m just wondering if you should just drop that and apply for a tourist visa? Then I told her you stayed with me at the hotel and how exhausted we were…haha! Just a joke, ok?

I like your group of friends, Jas. You will never feel old. They have such a youthful outlook. Hindi serious parati? 5That’s one thing I found about you, that’s why you still look like a baby. I like how you hold me and then dance…I like how you still drink milk…and I like watching how you sleep.

So a friend Steve who works in Yemen dropped by to see the condo. He saw your picture by the way, and he asked if he can meet you in person as he’s flying to Manila for two months. Sabi ko 6definitely not! He’s also married and I’m not sure why he’d want to meet you!

Thanks for the picture of you that was featured in the newspaper. You deserve it. You worked hard. And pls don’t forget to send more pictures.

I gotta eat. Tonight’s dinner is grilled fish. Also, I can set up another email on the weekend.

Call you on Saturday? Wait for me.

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: A RING ON MY FINGER
Date: Tue 6 July 99 18:51:40 PDT 

06 July 1999 7:00 pm

Dearest Ray,

I suppose you’re up at this hour. I just got to the ‘net. I tried to see as many people as I could squeeze into a day, and then went to the office to confirm other appointments for Wednesday.

So I did see Atty. Santander (who heads one of the most prominent law offices in Makati) and who happens to be the father of a classmate who passed away two weeks after our college graduation from Holy Spirit. He had a lot to say, but it boils down to talking to the judge who handles our case, but first, I have to talk to the clerk of court to see if she/he can help me. It would be futile to file another case since there’s an existing one. I have to find a way to get in touch with the judge.

I will write in length about it or when we talk. I did so much yesterday. I had to make appointments for work, got a trim, did the grocery run at a 24 hour supermarket with the kids in heavy rain. Don’t worry, it’s not far from our place.

I haven’t opened your email yet. As I was headed here, I was thinking how best to get in touch with this judge. I’m giving myself a deadline for this. And I’m used to talking to people…..well, darling, I’m not about to give up, not at this point, not when I am certain about where we are headed.

The girls at the office were all giggles this afternoon. I showed my ring to them. And one of the girls found out where I was this whole time. They said I was really sneaky..oh well, I said, a girl gotta do what she gotta do. I better send this off as I know you expect to read an email first hour in the morning.

Love you..need you…Now, more than ever.

Jas

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: You Are In My Every Thougnt
Date: Tue July 6 1999 19:58:21 PDT

6 July 1999 6:06 pm Can

7 July 1999 8:06 am Phil

Dearest Jas,

Hi hon, how are you? You must be driving to work at this hour. Remember what I told you? Easy driving please? I noticed when I was there, you haven’t changed your driving habit. Para kang laging on the run. Hyper and super active ka ba? 1Haha!

You are super yabang in your letters! 2You definitely need to work longer at the gym. Never mind, you’re still as slender as the day I first saw you.

Well, I’m back at work. For a few days, I’d feel drowsy at 2 pm. It’s part jet lag, part tiredness. I think I lost a good five lbs of fat, haha!

The boys were here last night. I was unable to do any laundry or cleaning. The place, especially the kitchen is a mess. I showed them your pictures. They said you look like an actress. They’re jealous how come someone like me who is pangit 3and not gorgeous like them can land a girl like you, haha!

We covered a lot of ground in the nine days we were together. Now I can say with certainty that I know you a lot. I guess it’s time to focus on the problems coming our way. I know there are people trying to tear us apart. Now is the time to be more patient and understanding with one another. We need to trust and ignore whatever people may say about us. Be strong.

I noticed you were discouraged after what happened at the embassy. We’ll take it one step at a time, and we will get there. That’s not just a promise. It’s a certainty.

Albert mentioned a lawyer he knows in the province, but like you said, follow up with your assigned lawyer in the meantime. If it doesn’t move, then we’ll see.

I have to go and prepare supper. Talk to you tomorrow. Take care cause someone here really cares a great deal about you.

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: Making All The Plans to Move Forward
Date: 5 July 1999 18:00:10 PDT 

05 July 1999 19:00 pm Mnl

Dearest Ray,

I just got home after spending the whole day at work. I am satisfied I have made enough appointments to make up for lost time. I also called several lawyers, made an appointment with Atty. Santander (whose deceased daughter was a classmate at Holy Spirit)1 and I’m supposed to meet him at his Makati office around 4 tomorrow. I’m bringing some documents with me, also looking into the possibility of filing in the province, and I’ve discussed this with another lawyer, Atty. Bauson.

I may have to go to Paranaque 2to get some documents and maybe see who this judge is, for sure I have to do this around Friday or Monday next week.

When you said I had to keep busy, the only thing I could think of was how busy can I get? Work, kids, errands, us. I know I have to help myself, that’s why I spent the whole day on the phone at work. I am flattered as I have gotten other offers for work from other financial companies since my name came out in the papers. It is such a far endeavor from being a writer for ten years and then go into financial services. But it is the way it is.

Thanks for calling. It doesn’t seem possible that you’re in another part of the world when we were just together yesterday morning. I love the way you smell of cigarettes and cologne that mingle together when I wrap my arms around you. I am committing to memory all that we did: the long walks, the piano-coffee hour at Shangri-La and Manila Pen, even the food shopping….and the cuddling.

Take care darling. Sleep well.

Jas

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: Miss You Like Crazy
Date: Mon 05 July 1999 18:00:34 PDT

5 July 1999 5:04 pm Can

6 July 1999 7:05 am Phil

Dearest Jas,

I love reading your latest email. Thanks for the care and the thought. It’s also my fervent wish to be with you again, soon.

It was so easy to fall asleep last night. It was a deep slumber, and I woke up at 2:30 am for no reason. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I opened our emails.

Did you psyched me up? For a moment your email clouded my vision, and I cried not because we will not be seeing each other for five months but because I’m so happy we have each other.

I am sorry if there were things said that should not have been. Did it ever occur to you that I will let you go? It will take a lot of explaining on your side to convince me your love has ceased. Even then, I cannot let you walk out of my life just like that. The past few days has proven we have something special. I wish I could fast forward the hands of time. I want to be with you now. I want to start a new life with you.

How did it go with the lawyer in Makati? Was this today or yesterday? How did the pictures come out? Send me copies soon.

I was listening to your voice on tape on the drive to work this morning. You have such a young voice, Jas. I mean, parang boses in your twenties3. Are you gonna send me voice tapes now instead of cards? Am I asking too much?

Tonight I have loads of laundry. I have to tidy up the house too. The place is a mess. Rafa brought his friends over while I was away.

Gotta go. I will write again tomorrow. If your appointment is with the lawyer today, will you be able to visit the ‘net? If it’s late, just go another day. I don’t want you driving out too late at night.

I love you. Be a good girl. Take care.

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: A Sustaining Kind of Love 
Date: Sun July 4/99 00:04:35 -0700 PDT 

4 July 99 3:05 pm

Dearest Ray,

You must be HongKong now. I tried to sleep this afternoon but couldn’t. I checked all the households needs first and made a list of things I need to do tomorrow.

I tried to access our Hotmail but it keeps saying the password is invalid. I couldn’t get into our other email address while yahoo was just as difficult.

I’m still in a transition phase. Half disbelieving and half awed at the swiftness of time. I could scarcely believe I spent nine days with you.

I wanted to write you some notes for the plane but there was never enough time when we were together. I wanted to tell you how much happiness you have brought with your presence. I believe I can now survive and bear the time we will be apart again.

When you said it was easier to leave today than it was to part ways in January, I couldn’t agree with you more, I am beginning to know a side of you that I barely knew in 6 months ago. I don’t have to put up defenses anymore and I love what you bring out of me.

Thanks for the unconditional love, support, happiness and the laughter you bring into my life. Again, I will try to make every effort to make you happy,

Love and hugs,

Jas

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: Sleepless Tired But Hopeful 
Date: Sun 04 Jul 99 20:43:25 PDT

Jul 4/99 9:16 pm Sun

Jul 5/99 11:16 am Mon

Dearest Jas,

I’ll sleep better if I write to you. Just got off the shower and ready for bed now. I know this time it’s gonna be different cause you’re not beside me. The days we were together have proven one thing. I’m looking toward to seeing you again. Hopefully we can see something positive with regard to your annulment soon.

I’ll write again. Right now I am exhausted. I will you call you on the weekend.

Much love,

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: The Things I Remember Are Real 
Date: Mon July 5/99 01:14:14 -09700 PDT 

05 July 1999 4:10 pm

Dearest Ray,

I got to the net after finishing my work today. I read your emails and I am not at all surprised when you said you were very tired when you called this morning. Somehow, yesterday was the worst day, when I got home and realized it will be another five months before I see you.

Everything seems surreal from here. I can’t believe that nine days has passed, and now it’s over. Earthbound again. We were filling the days with as much memory as possible, without neglecting my responsibilities as a mom. “Sometimes I think, the things I remember are more real than the things I see…”

I’m going to Salon De Manila in a little while to get a trim. Then, getting the negatives developed at the film lab.

There was much to say, but I supposed the things we discussed, the things said, the things done, were more than enough. I heard you called me but I was out running errands.

While driving home after leaving the hotel, I couldn’t decide whether I was going to cry or feel despair. I didn’t. I agree with your perspective it was easier this time than in January. I am surer, stronger, have more faith that things will work out well.

Still I am sorry for the misunderstanding when it was so plain to understand. The guy I was in love with has an added dimension now: you make me laugh, I love the humor and the teasing. I love it when you soften after blowing steam. I am reminded you were once a boy and how it must have been. I love the memories you shared of your childhood.

I am awed and impressed and couldn’t believe when it dawned on me how deeply you can love another person. I love the serious side of you at once pensive and sentimental.

I knew you were bringing me something precious when you said you had a surprise for me. My engagement ring is more precious because it was given a lot of thought. When I was taking a shower at night at the hotel while you were reading or watching TV, I wanted to tell you this should be the way everyday. Like an old married couple.

Thanks darling for bringing back joy and love into my life.

Jas

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April 25, 26 A Snowy Spring Day

Today Is Andrew’s Wedding

TODAY is my son Andrew’s wedding. I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep, perhaps because I’m still in the throes of bad jet lag, so I padded down to the dining room to do some reading. It snowed overnight, with more than two inches on the ground and on the trees (the city would eventually record 5.51 inches).

It’s -3 Celsius but feels more like -10 C, which is no longer surprising. It is early spring but feels like late winter.

Arrival in Calgary

Ray and I arrived in Calgary in the early hours of Tuesday night. The most noticeable change from our previous travels was the stricter security on the Canadian side, beginning at Terminal 1 of NAIA, then through Vancouver, and finally the short flight to Calgary. After a long wait at the carousel, we were waved through, though I still felt a flicker of stress from having once lost my checked-in luggage on a US trip years ago.

We’re staying at Andrew’s house in Midnapore, in the SE quadrant of Calgary. It’s a quiet bedroom community, but if you’ve been to this city, you’d sometimes wonder which area you’re in, since Calgary’s residential neighbourhoods look strikingly alike in their house design and colour, with single- and multi-family homes separated by rolling flat land now greening in early spring.

Whoever first planned Calgary’s communities made sure each one had supermarkets, restaurants, coffee shops, a registry office, and more, so there is rarely any need to cross into another quadrant unless there is somewhere specific you want to go. It may be why the downtown centre is often quiet by six o’clock.

Family Arrivals

My family from various parts of the US have flown in for the wedding. Some are returning to the Canadian Rockies, Banff, and Canmore after first visiting during Jesse’s wedding in August 2015, when the smoky conditions of summer prevailed.

This time, spring in Calgary still carried the bite of winter. The American side of the family are confused by Celsius versus Fahrenheit, while the Canadian side have to keep converting between both.

The So Family Dinner

Jess and her husband Jared hosted a dinner at their comfortable NW home earlier on Thursday evening for the whole So family who had come for Andrew’s wedding, a rare opportunity to see relatives from both my paternal and maternal sides.

It was fun to see six generations of the So family gathered together, talking about old childhood days and the Filipino habit of giving children sometimes derogatory nicknames, often resulting in childhood complexes. Apparently, this was something we had in common with Argentinians, as my sister Siena’s husband Jorge self-deprecatingly shared that he had been called “Mosquito” as a child.

Family

My mom, who began experiencing short-term memory loss after my dad’s passing, was there too, quiet in a corner of the dining room, asking whose house this was, yet still remembering everyone who greeted her, even Ray, whom she had not seen in the last ten years.

My oldest sister, Pates, who was there with her husband Jack, had made sure my mom was able to come, a testament to how she, along with my other siblings in Virginia, had been taking care of her.

Kit, my SIL from California, was also there with her son Josh. We had kept in touch with them from November to February, when Kit had to make an emergency trip to Manila to look after Josh, who at one point had been working with the Peace Corps in Iloilo.

Aileen was there too, although her sons, Miggy and Martin and their fiancées would not be arriving until the weekend for the wedding.

About Andrew and Sara

But this visit was about Andrew, who has always been the more reserved one among the kids. He’s not one to openly confide his inner feelings, though he often shares photos of places where he and his young family have been.

This wedding had been in the planning for the last year or so. It marked the culmination of an almost decade-long friendship and relationship between Andrew and Sara. Both came into the marriage older, wiser, pragmatic, and already parents to a happily well-adjusted blended family.

The Night Before the Wedding

A run-through of sorts was planned the night before the wedding at the Sandman Hotel, not far from Andrew and Sara’s house. We waited until about 7 p.m. for it to begin in the lobby. It was only then that I discovered Andrew had acted as wedding organizer for his own wedding, planning the complex parts of it because he was used to administration and logistics in his own line of work.

It turned out to be an exceptionally well-executed wedding, as we would soon find out. Afterward, I joked that he could probably go into wedding organizing himself, with the smooth way everything came together without a hitch, down to the flowers and the sold-out Photo Booth.

A Winter Wonderland Wedding

Andrew had been hoping for a sunny wedding day, but it was not to be. The snow came on like a winter wonderland revival. Most Calgarians would shrug this off, not cower under the heavy blanket of snow, and simply go on to enjoy the day before them.

We had gone to The Lake House with Andrew prior to the rehearsal at the Sandman, thereby giving us a hint of what to expect the next day. The Lake House is pure Canadiana, with elk antlers fashioned into chandeliers and a huge stone fireplace in the middle of the grand room, an elegant wedding and events venue perched above Lake Bonavista. We were delighted by the floor-to-ceiling windows framing the snow-covered banks of the lake outside.

Ray and I agreed that The Lake House lived up to its name, a beautiful way to honour the warmth of a wedding celebration.

The Wedding Celebration

The wedding celebration went smoothly, with guests flanking both sides of the room while the entourage marched down in measured steps to celebratory music. There was a happy energy in the room, a series of moments interspersed with the lively youngish mix of millennials, Gen Z, and the boomer relatives of the bride and groom. Some weddings are solemn; this one was more a joyful celebration, in keeping with an energy that even the weather outside could not dampen.

Everyone seemed upbeat, the vows presided over by one of Andrew’s best men, Chris, whose commentary, along with the happy energy of the bride, lightened the ceremony even further.

We liked the fact that we did not have to move to another venue after the wedding vows. There was some shuffling of chairs and tables, smoothly maneuvered by the staff, while guests were ushered into another room for drinks and distracted by the Photo Booth in one corner. Conversation hung warmly in the air among people seeing each other again in happy, albeit short, reunions.

My brother Bong was there too with his wife, Carol, having come all the way from Oregon with the whole family.

We had already found our table assignments. By then, the light had become subdued, with flickering candlelight decorating the tables while the antler chandeliers cast a warm glow against the wintry darkness outside on the lake.

The Speech

A wedding is never complete without speeches. A month or so before the wedding, Andrew surprised me by asking if I could walk him down the aisle, but also say something during the reception. I said I would.

Like every story, I needed time to warm up to what I wanted to say. I only began writing the speech a few days before the wedding, just before we flew to Canada.

I’m not much of a speaker, but as a writer, I’ve interviewed people of all kinds and stature, and I’ve never been afraid to talk to people, having spent years speaking with hundreds of resource people in both television and print media.

Andrew’s and Sara’s friends each came up to the front to say something about the couple they had known for the last twenty-five years or so. I had my speech on my iPad, arranged in the logical, linear way I have always thought.

Here’s my little speech that night. I thought I’d share it here.

Good evening everyone,

I’m Jasmin, I’m Andrew’s mom.

I was thinking about what to say tonight… and honestly, when I think of him as a child, one word comes to mind—naughty. Very naughty.

Someone once told me I should start saving for his bail… and there were days I thought that was actually good advice.

When he was about four, my grandparents came to stay with us. One afternoon, after his nap, he came downstairs and—very calmly—let the contents of his milk bottle drip onto my grandmother’s face while she was sleeping.

And at one point, during lunch, he told them—in not so many words—that they had overstayed their welcome. My grandma was completely offended. She later told my dad, “That boy is beyond naughty.” I think he may have been partly responsible for them cutting their visit short.

He loved his Lego, but wouldn’t let his sisters touch it. He was always active—swimming, taekwondo, making little videos—but basketball was really his thing. He loved it so much we even had a court built outside the house.

He was quiet in school… but I later found out he had his own adventures—like taking jeepney rides when he was supposed to walk home or take the school bus, or somehow ending up at the front of a moving ferry. These are stories I didn’t witness myself… but they’ve stayed with us.

When we first moved to Calgary, the snow was a shock—especially when you had to walk through it. I remember he once wrote that when he had kids of his own, he’d make sure they wouldn’t have to walk through knee-deep snow just to get to school.

And he’s kept that promise. I just hope his kids know how lucky they are to have him as their dad.

And then… somewhere along the way, that boy grew up.

What I’ve seen in you as a man is something I’m really proud of. You’ve become very committed—not just to your work, but to people, to family, to life. You’re someone others can depend on.

And as a father… I’ve seen a different side of you. From the very beginning, you were there. You showed up, you took responsibility, you were hands-on. And it shows—in the kind of children you’re raising, and in the way you care for your family.

We went through difficult times when you were growing up. I won’t go into that. But those experiences shaped you. And what matters is—you came out of it a good man. You care about people, you stay loyal to your friends, and you keep your family close.

Now you’re getting married… after almost ten years together.

And I like that. Because you’re both coming into this knowing that love isn’t just feelings—it’s work, it’s patience, it’s compromise.

So my only wish for both of you is simple—keep choosing each other. Even on the days when it’s not easy.

And Sara, thank you for loving my son. We’re very happy to welcome you into our family.

So please raise a glass—

To Andrew and Sara….and to a life built together, one day at a time.

Cheers. 🥂

The Food at The Lake House

Can I tell you how good the food was at The Lake House? Prior to the event, Andrew emailed everyone the menu. The main course choices were Icelandic cod, Alberta beef tenderloin, and a vegetarian cauliflower/fried halloumi korma. Usually when traveling, it’s hard to get enough vegetables into one’s diet, so I chose the latter. It was surprisingly satisfying — I could have asked for another serving, but it was already quite filling, with sticky rice, cilantro sour cream, and spiced chickpeas.

At our table, we all agreed the food was exceptional.

Dancing, Photos, and Tired Feet

After the speeches and dinner came the dancing, with more guests lingering to take photos. As for us, we were tasked with taking the kids home since Andrew and Sara were spending the night at the Sandman.

It was hard walking in heels when the cold and the sheer effort of wearing them had already left my calves and feet aching. In the car afterward, nine-year-old Jayce casually remarked that there had been a lot of roasting during the wedding celebration. It was quite a keen observation coming from a child.

A Baby Shower the Next Day

It’s a serendipitous occasion when you can shoot two birds with one stone. Sunday, April 26, dawned cold, with flurries and brisk winds greeting the day as we walked to Emme and James’s baby shower held at Porch, a 17th Avenue SW restaurant with a distinct West Coast vibe.

James’s parents had flown in from BC, and his brother’s family was there. My own siblings and my mom were there too. The nephews had meanwhile decided to drive to Lake Louise, having never seen the magnificent Rockies firsthand.

Calgary as a Kind of Homecoming

I have been traveling to Canada yearly since we moved back to Manila in late 2021. To me, Calgary is no longer simply a place I travel to, but more a kind of homecoming — to spend time with family and my grandkids, run necessary errands and do a bit of shopping for things that are harder to find in Manila. It has become part of the rhythm of this stage of life, rather than a destination.

Ray and I opted to give Andrew a break from hosting us by staying the last five days of Ray’s trip at an airy Airbnb in the downtown area. Ray filled those days with pickleball and mini reunions with countless friends and siblings, including former co-workers from the oil and gas industry.

We invited Emme and James to join us for a few days, and it felt like old times again, spending time with her and her husband just as they prepared for their first baby.

A Final Drive to Canmore

On Ray’s last day, we drove with Emme and Jess to the town of Canmore. We browsed books at Café Books, stopped by the Rocky Mountain Soap Company for their Castile lavender liquid soap, and finally tried Jess’s highly recommended Kain Tayo, not quite a Filipino restaurant but more a fusion of Filipino flavours.

There was also the promise of sun in the coming days.

A Few Quiet Days Before Leaving

I had decided to stay a few more days to spend time with Jess, her family, and Emme, who was due to fly back to Toronto to rejoin her husband. Jess asked me where I wanted to go, since most of the days when Ray was still there had been taken up by wedding activities.

Now, with things finally quieting down and Jess taking some time off work, I realized all I really wanted was to go to Lina’s Italian Market at Deerfoot City.

I’ve always had a soft spot for Lina’s Italian Market, having frequented their former smaller shop on Centre Street back when Ray and I still lived there. Perhaps it is also because it reminded me so much of Etruria Retail, where our tourist bus from Rome had stopped on the way to Montepulciano in southern Italy during the summer of 2024.

Heading Home to Manila

But now it was time to head back to Manila, even with the heat I knew would be waiting for me. I missed my own space, my own little corner. I missed walking in the gardens at night after dinner and getting some sun by the poolside in the early morning hours. I missed the slow rhythm of the days Ray and I now had. I missed the freedom of being able to move around without relying on a car.

It had become increasingly apparent that while Calgary had been home for over two decades, now, in our fourth year of retirement, the ease and convenience of life in Manila were quietly calling me back.

And so, for the first time in a long while, I found myself genuinely glad to be going home.

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*some names have been changed.

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: Some Instructions for When You Arrive
Date: Tue 21 June/99 01:57:14 PDT 

June 21/99 4:42 pm

Dearest Ray,

I’m at the net café, and one thing I know I’ll always remember about this place is the music. They keep playing all those ’70s songs—Ambrosia, Gino Vannelli—and somehow it keeps reminding me of you.

I meant to be home by around 3 p.m., but you know how it is. In this game of numbers—and sometimes chance—it’s not always your call. There are moments when people have so many questions they don’t realize they’re unintentionally throwing a perfectly good schedule off track. So just like that, my appointments for tomorrow are kaput.

Well, Mr. Armada, it seems you’ve made quite the pen pal out of Jesse. I’m amused. She wants to write, but somehow the words won’t quite come out the way she wants them to.

Her dad called this morning to ask if Jess could stay with him during the week I won’t be around. He plans to have their driver take her to school, which I appreciate, since I’m really against her having to wake up as early as Emme, who leaves their house at 6 a.m. Jess’s classes don’t start until noon and end at five, so it seems reasonable to me. I told him he should talk to her directly. She does say, though, that she doesn’t always eat well when she’s at their place. Puro daw pagkain ng matanda! 1

I was able to close a sale and she paid outright! This kind of thing very rarely happens.

Tonight….

Got the things you asked for. Also, I’m not leaving earlier on Friday. My first appointment will be at 11 here in Quezon City. I promised to pick up Jess around 5 (if she changes her mind about spending the weekend with her dad) and if she’s ok staying with him, I will drive her to his office. From there, where was I going? Basta! 2I’ll see you at the Asian Mansions…

I had a scheduled lunch with my boss L and two other co-agents, and by the way, we have a dinner invite from my brother Drigs and his wife. They want to get to know you.

Please proceed to the Nissan Rentals and Taxi Services at the airport. I gave them your flight details and arrival time. They can take you to Makati asap. Pretty sure there won’t be traffic then.

So whats on our ten day agenda? Maybe sleep off the jet lag first? I’m so excited to see you again! And this time, you’re not some stranger I had to carefully peek to see from that dark corner of Tia Maria.

It’s time for bed. I have another busy day tomorrow, and hey! Don’t tell me your surprise.

Jas

PS. Someone wants to write a letter:

Hi Tito Ray!

Thanks for writing a letter. Well, you did ask if I like chocolates and stickers. I like stickers. The other day I ate so many chocolates, so if you’d like to buy me some, okay!

Bye! I’m sleepy.

Jesse

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: What A Party But It is always you on my mind 
Date: Mon 21 June/99 22:34:51PDT

21 June/99 Mon 11:05 pm

22 June/99 Tue 1:05 pm

Dearest Jas,

The last of the bunch just left. That was quite a party! Now, it’s time to clean up the mess! I don’t want to leave dishes on the sink so I put a load in the dishwasher. Nothing much to tell, except of course, we talked about office politics.

I’m not really comfortable talking about office politics. I’m a good listener and I only voice out if someone focuses his/her attention to me.

11 people showed up out of the 15 I invited. Dwayne is staying 2 nights at my place. It’s his last three days at our office cause he’s moving to Jasper. I offered for him to stay. He’s my skiing buddy and I’ve known him for 6 years now.

I read your email before leaving for work. Pls tell Jess I will write to her tomorrow. It’s getting late and I need to clean up.

My left eye is still sore. I went to see the doctor yesterday and he prescribed antibiotics. The dust from the nearby construction is really bad.

I better clean up before I get lazy. I will write again. I showed your pictures to my officemates. They asked for your email address. I said, no way Jose.

Ray

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: Got My Cable Hooked Up 
Date: Tue 22 June/99 18:47:35 PDT

22 June/99 7:00 pm

23 June/99 9:00 am

Dearest Jas,

I got your mails and attachment this morning. Did you get mine? I wrote to you and Jess last night before going to bed. Well, I cleaned up the kitchen mess first. Dwayne like I said, is staying with me before heading to Jasper.

Sounds like lately you have a thing for soft music. The artists you mentioned are not familiar, I must have been in grade school at that time. Haha!

When do you plan to go have dinner with Drigs and Armina? Not so soon, please! A day or two after, is that okay? I need to spend time with you. And please not in Quezon City. My soon to be ex-in-laws shop there most of the time. Any alternative place in Makati is better. I don’t mind if it’s Japanese, Chinese or Filipino.

The cable guy was here and the networks running, but nope, I haven’t gotten my new email for Piperacx.

So you’ve given up on my surprise for you? Small “c” is very obvious and easy to guess. It’s not a chime. By the time I get there I think you’d know what it is. I might get home early tomorrow and I’ll email you again. If not, see you in Manila, Jas!

Take care,

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: NO ONE CAN FORCE ME INTO STAYING IN A DEAD MARRIAGE 
Date: 20 June/99 9:15 PM 

Dearest Ray,

Hi! We just finished dinner and for dessert, a bowl of oatmeal! Lately Jess has began to appreciate the way I eat (lean, less salt, lots of fish). I was even surprised she tried to eat lettuce salad the other day. Of course, her milk is different from mine. Let’s not go there, we might end up talking about a different milk, haha!

I’m trying to put myself in the mood to sleep while I’m on the computer. I’m listening to soft music. I didn’t get much sleep last night, I kept getting up but didn’t want to wake up Jess. Sleep wouldn’t come.

Seems you poured yourself into your emails these past days. I quickly went through your letters but like always, the kids were waiting for me. I printed them right away so I could go through them tonight.

What can I say, Ray? As you said, we can’t undo who we are in the present—we are the sum of all our experiences. But where you’re mistaken is in how things stand between my ex and me. Regardless of legal status or anything else, he cannot and will not try to use force. I believe he feels the same way. He would never use the kids as leverage. He knows my nature. From early on, he understood that getting together was a mistake for both of us. What made it worse was I knew from the beginning that it was going to end at some point. We were incompatible on so many levels, not even the kids would have made a difference. It only prolonged the agony. I was just biding my time trying to find the strength to leave.

I have only been in love twice. This is the second time, I think. And even then, that first love was so young I’m not sure it could have stood the test of time. I know there is no such thing as a soul partner. When you meet a person, you’d know if there is strong attraction, because what other basis do you have? It can also be chemical, but there is also truth in the fact you can find deep, unconditional love, that transcends the self when you want what’s best for that person. Maybe I knew I loved you before I met you. It didn’t hurt you were easy on the eyes, come on! I can’t ever see myself lowering my standards anymore.

We watched Never Been Kissed with Drew Barrymore—it’s GP, so the kids could enjoy it too. We had snacks, and then I had to tell them we needed to go home because their dad was coming. Please, no hard feelings—like you said, “I can’t ever go back to her; I’d rather marry someone else.” I feel the same. There’s no rewinding, no undoing.

What I’ve realized is this: if fate ever brings this person into my life, all I can do is be ready. And being ready means I don’t wait—I live fully now, and trust that what’s meant for me will find its way.

And from what I’ve experienced with you, you don’t just feel it—it’s in your veins, in that sudden throb in your chest. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this…that kind of happiness that isn’t just inside you, but shows outward, plain as day. It’s visible, almost physical—the way it lifts you, the way it makes your heart impossible to ignore.

So the guys know you’re coming home. Does Pedro and Pacita know? OMG! Here we go again…tsismis.1

Here’s a line from Dennis Lambert: “Of all the things I’ve ever done, finding you will prove be the most important one…I will never trade the tears, the conversations no one hears, the learning how to walk before you run…”

I have to give way. Someone wants to write you a line:

Hi Tito Ray,

I’m fine! Me, Mommy, Kuya & Ate went to the mall a little while! Wait! Did you ask me if my first day of school was fine? Well it was ok.

Mommy is now atat2 to write to you. Goodnight!

Jess

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: Sunday Night and you’re all I have in mind 
Date: Sun 20 Jun 1999 22:12:01 PDT

20 June/99 10:50 pm

21 Jun/99 12:50 noon MNL

Dearest Jas,

You must be taking your lunch break at this hour. I just got home. I drove Rafa back to his place. He spent the whole day with me and we ordered a Chinese supper. He gave me a candle holder as a present for Father’s Day. Very thoughtful.

I spent the morning shopping for patio chairs and table while Rafa watched TV. After lunch, I did a round of laundry and ironing. Maybe you can import one of your maids to do this end for me. It’s not that it’s hard, it just eats into your time. I mean I can’t even get a nap in between.

I’m all ready to go! I’m just taking a backpack with me. I panicked cause I couldn’t find my passport. It was in one of the boxes, whew!

The guys left at four am but I woke up early anyway to read your mails. Tomorrow, it’s my officemates turn to come and bless the place with drinking.

Not much to say. Just four more days. I’m so excited I don’t feel like going to work. Did you get the stuff I asked you to buy?

Goodnight. On Friday, we’re going to be together.

PS So you gave up guessing? Want me to tell you more tomorrow?

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: YOU ARE A CONSTANT
Date: Sat 19 June/99 22:36:38 -0700 PDT

20 June/99 1:41 PM

Dearest Ray,

Just retrieved your emails! Four of them! I can’t stay long, the kids are getting dressed at home since we’re going to see a movie and then early dinner. I am deeply guilty because I will not be with them for two weekends, and we’re not used to that, but I also need to see you.

Well, Mr. Armada, what can I say? There’s not one ounce for you to be jealous of the ghost of an ex. No reason at all. I leave the kids in the lobby, stay in the car, and when he comes down, and I’m sure the kids are with him, I leave.

When be comes to the house I don’t really invite him in. Sometimes he asks for a drink of water and then they drive to get something to eat at McDonald’s. We’re very civil with each other and we talk only about the kids because honestly, it’s like looking at a total stranger and I wonder why I ever got together with him. He calls the kids but I don’t mind. And because I know now how you feel about the pointed questions about your ex, I guess you won’t hear me say anything more. All I’m looking is towards the future, with you.

So what are you doing Father’s Day? Stars Wars isn’t showing yet so we’ll see another movie instead.

Hey I’m not disappointed with whatever your surprise will be. How can I be? The most important package is coming home to me.

I’m not complaining about my life. I get to do the things I need to do because I can. At the end of the day I have you to look forward to, to think about, to be grateful for. And maybe one of these days, have you in the flesh and blood and spend my days with you.

I feel certain this feeling will stay with me all the days of my life. Naks!1

Jas

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: Just Thinking of You 
Date: Sat 19 June/99 20:49:01 PDT

20 June/99 11:29 am Mnl

Dearest Jas,

How’s my magaling mang-asar na mahal?2 Were you able to retrieve my emails? I got yours, except I couldn’t open the one with Jess’ letter in it. It’s ok, don’t bother. It might be infected because you copied some of the files from the C drive.

The gang is here tonight (Pedro, Louie and Albert). We just got back from getting halo-halo and bibingka 3at the Filipino Store, I didn’t realize they had it here. The guys have been here since this morning and it looks like they’re going to make a hangout of my place. I was unable to unpack any of the boxes I still have lying around.

We watching the NFL Hockey Finals on TV, we’re drinking rum and later cook some pulutan. 4

Five more sleeps, Jas. What time are you leaving the house?

I better say goodnight. The boys are teasing me. They said I’m too serious with you and might not come back here. I told them I’m seeing you.

I still have to write to Jess. Take care.

Ray

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3

Halo Halo/Bibingka -Overview

Halo-halo translates to “mix-mix“ in English, representing a popular Filipino shaved ice dessert with mixed fruits, beans, and jellies topped with milk, custard, and ice cream. Bibingka is a traditional, coconut-based Filipino rice cake, typically baked in clay pots lined with banana leaves and served as a warm snack.

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: I love you and always will 
Date: Fri 18 June 1999 20:30:04 PDT

June 18/99 7:37 pm Friday

June 19/99 9:37 am Sat

Dearest Jas,

I’m sorry I raised my voice. It’s not me…really. It’s just that we’ve discussed this so many times that it sounds like a broken record. Normally I won’t mind it if it was true, but when I fall silent, then whatever the other person is saying is true.

Hopefully you can trust me at this point. We’ve spoken about this at length before, but I’ve heard about it countless times when you come up with a different scenario. You asked to be understood…I do.

I should be the one jealous. And it’s normal because legally, you’re still married to him. He can always use force and the kids as a weapon. I don’t know how often you get to see him, I never asked. I know you drop the kids at his office every now and then. You can’t just drop them off the street and let them walk up to his office, right? And I don’t know how often he comes to your place to pick them when it’s his turn. I never ask.

You had dinner with him after Jess’ communion at school. I was jealous and hurt but I didn’t say anything because of the kids. I understand hindi ito maiiwasan. 1The kids will suffer the consequences if we start acting in an uncivilized manner. So expect the same thing from me, Jas. I see her once in a while because of Rafa. But questioning whether there is something there is unfair.

If I still had some hope for the relationship to go on, I could have waited another six months before signing the divorce papers. But I did it for you, Jas. Do you realize that?

Wouldn’t it be fruitful if we talk about us instead of them? Let’s face it. The exe’s will be there for as long as the kids are still young.

I’m ok now. Let’s not bring this thing up again. Hindi lang Ikaw Ang masasaktan.2 Being thousands of kilometers apart, it’s understandable to feel some insecurity. If you trust me the way I trust you, things would be easier for both of us.

If there’s a will…there will be a way for us to be together for life soon.

I’ve loved you the first time I laid eyes on you. Know that.

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: A Sour Point 
Date: Fri 18 June 1999 19:45:49 -0700 PDT

June 19/99 7:30 pm

Dearest Ray,

Just got to the ‘net. I had to buy food for the house before coming home and it’s a good thing I did. My brother Drigs arrived and he stayed for early dinner.

I’m sorry we hit a sour point this morning. I know you understand where I’m coming from, but then I also see your viewpoint. Let’s not mention them anymore. And there is nothing to worry about, they belong to the past, but because of the kids, I also realize there will be times when it can’t be helped. But what is most important now, more than ever, is knowing I hold your love in my hand.

Happy Father’s Day! What are you doing on Sunday? What did Rafa get you? I’ll probably be seeing a movie with the kids tonight. A late night treat. We do this sometimes.

I’ll see you on Friday evening. I’ll wait at the lobby or will you ask them to give me a key so I can proceed upstairs?

Jas

PS. I am out of guesses regarding your surprise. Since you said it acts like a prism and makes a sound, is it a wind chime? And since it has a spiky edge around, where will I put it? Outside the window? Just like in that movie “The Hand the Rocks the Cradle,3” haha! Did you see the movie? There’s that spiky tense part of the movie. Just lightening things up.

It’s getting late. And from now on, no more sour points.

Jas

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From:  Ray Armada <ray_jasmin@hotmail.com. Save Address Block Sender   To: jasmin_ray@hotmail.com   
Subject: Chicken Ala Ray
Date: Thu 07 Jun 1999 03:41:16 PDT

June 16/99 7:10 pm. Wed

Dearest Jas,

Are you holed at home today? Isn’t it an odd/even scheme for driving? So, how’s my pinakamahal na babae sa balat ng lupa? 1I was listening to this oldie “Ikaw Ang Miss Universe ng Buhay ko.” 2Have you heard this one? I know you will say you were still in grade school and you don’t remember a thing.

I read your email this morning before the alarm went off. Nope, you won’t be able to get into my new email just yet. I’m using the ‘net through the telephone line. The cable is malfunctioning in our area since the day they hooked up my line.

The cable guy is coming back on Tuesday to fix the system. There’s nothing wrong with my computer. I will let you know asap when I get access to the system.

Sorry, I didn’t intend to make you jealous. There’s nothing to be jealous about. That pix was taken a year after we separated. I wasn’t even aware she was coming to the same Christmas party. Pacita is turning the big 5-0 and we joked she can soon join the Hawaii 5-0 group. I guess she’s leaving Pedro soon. She has the blessings of their daughter. I’m sure she’s better off without him. I’ll tell you more stories later.

So what have you been discussing with your co-workers? Tell your boss I only have eyes for one woman. I’m lucky cause I get the most gorgeous girl in your group, haha!

So this guy you’re meeting is really your cousin? Good to hear you’re with him while meeting in a dimly lit lobby. Baka mapagkamalan ka pang lady of the night, haha!3

This weekend I will clear all the boxes once and for all. Some of my buddies are coming this Tuesday after work. We are having a house burning celebration. Nope, no dinner, just wine and cheeses only. I haven’t really socialized with them since coming back in January. I’ve been branded anti-social, some are complaining why they’re not invited. I promised next time when I get back from holiday. I can only accommodate about 15 people.

If I can’t write you Tuesday night please understand. But I will call you on the weekend.

I guess by now you know what the surprise is. So easy, right? You want another hint? It makes a beautiful sound. This is it, no more hints.

By the way, last night while I was writing to you, I forgot the chicken in the oven, poor chicken was smouldered down to the bone. Smoke came out when I opened the oven door and it triggered the alarm. Neighbours came knocking on my door. What an embarrassment! For that, I missed supper and ate cold cuts instead. Now you owe me dinner. You should take me to a candlelit dinner at Andoks. 4

Got to go. Take care. 8 more sleeps and counting.

Love more than ever,

Ray

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From: Jasmin So <jasmin_ray@hotmail.com Save Address Block Sender  
To: ray_jasmin@hotmail.com   
Cc: jasmin_so@yahoo.com
Subject: Something is Wrong with Hotmail (again!)
Date: Thu June 17/99 00:12:26 PDT

June 17/99 4:43 pm

Dearest Ray,

Hi! I’m in a panic mode here! I’ve been trying to open our email address but it won’t budge. It keeps saying I have the wrong password. Could you kindly resend your letters through yahoo? How come your Piperacx@home.com is unknown? I sent an email there and it bounced. I think we need to make up a new address, don’t you think? The two we currently have is probably inundated with so much mail!

I can’t stay long here. I expect my messenger to pass by the house with papers I need for work tomorrow.

Later…..

8:59 pm 17 June/99

Thanks for the call. OMG! Why have I become so dependent on your calls and emails? I was home the whole day, but I did my calls, appointments and sales. So far so good.

Our company already emailed me I qualify to get a new laptop (something new to us). We’re all gearing up for computerized operations. They are taking it out of commissions so you really won’t feel it. It’s a good way to show how polished your presentations can be to a prospective client.

Of course, since I’m home, I had to run errands on the side. I went to the bank, made a menu for the time I won’t be home (I’ve given Deng instructions what meals and snacks the kids can have).

Andrew keeps asking why I’m going to Cebu. I told Jess she can stay with her dad but then she would have an early start as Emme’s class starts at 7 am. whereas her class starts at 12 noon and ends at 5. She has a school service and Deng stays with her the whole day at school to help feed her. She will be so tired waiting for her class when she could sleep longer here.

I promised to call them everyday, but now I realize I can’t promise you I will stay the whole ten days, I just might have to drive back and forth to check on the kids. Of course, Andrew being the teenager will have questions, but I will have to face the music head on. Deng has been Jess’s nanny for six years, and I trust her. Still, it is now dawning on me how hard it is to be a single mom, a working one and try to have a personal life. How about you? Is it this hard for you when you have Rafa over? I feel guilty but I do deserve a break. What a way to reason my way!

Hey, someone wants to write you before she sleeps:

Hi Tito Ray! So you called mommy and I answered the phone. You know, gabi na ako nakauwi sa bahay because our driver is makulit! (You know, I got home late. Our driver was so annoying). And hey, mommy and I put your pictures in an album, what are you doing right now? Are you in the office? Well, I’m sleepy. Bye for now!

Jess

The kids already like you. Wish you could meet them. Tomorrow is another busy day for me. Since it’s a Friday, I have Emme for the weekend. They said they miss having our “me,” time, where we eat near Harrison, do some shopping, eat ice cream and go to Rustan’s. It’s also our way to beat the traffic. Some days, when I’m tired, I just pack them in the car and we go home.

Hey of course I remember the Hotdog band. I was such a kid of that time. Their solo singer died. Yeah, Pinag-piyestahan ka sa office.5 I showed them your new pictures. They wanted to know more, and I said you’re coming for a very short visit.

So the newest hint is a roundish circle that has several sharp edges? Is it a glitter ball with the Calgary facade inside while fake snow drifts as you shake the ball? But wait..since it has sharp sides, it must be a…?

I’m gonna put Jess to bed now. Let me sleep! And darling, please dim the lights before you join me in bed?

Jas

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