I have a lot of clients with ADHD (like myself,) and the fluidity tool used to fluster us like nothing else. It even flustered many clients without ADHD OR short term memory issues! I mean, just look at this tool. It’s so long! How are people supposed to go through this whole thing? What were my dad and Phil thinking? Too often Part X thoughts stab us like unexpected daggers to the back or Part X’s voice has become such constant rumination it’s just an ongoing soundtrack that’s always with us to some degree. Either way, it’s hard enough to catch Part X let alone remember three long steps to address it. It’s easier to default to Cosmic Rage or some other, shorter tool in order to banish Part X. Yet I found it hard to ignore Fluidity, as much as I tried. It provided and distilled so many valuable insights into the nature of Part X I and my clients needed to combat Part X effectively. I also couldn’t just shorten it without dropping what felt like valuable content. Even though wisdom in the Fluidity tool is kind of strewn about Coming Alive in pieces it is, in a sense, a more comprehensive way to combat Part X even if it’s not fully laid out like it is on the website in either book (I re-checked to make sure. I’ve read many drafts of these two books so it’s easy to confuse the final product with an earlier draft.)

I kept going back to the fluidity tool in my coaching practice because it really shifted my clients’ perspective around Part X for the better, even though it was too long for them to remember to put into practice after our sessions. This perspective shift was so valuable, there were people with whom I opened every session with Fluidity, since it was hard to do on their own or fit into their lives (Part X doesn’t wait until you’re not busy to butt in!) We found Step 1 (identifying Part X) particularly powerful in terms of seeing how Part X objectifies and diminishes us as well as our futures, since the details look different for everyone. Part X can demotivate, exhaust, stagnate, alienate or even freeze you in your tracks if gone unchecked- but it often implies some sort of false certainty about the future. (In fact, a sense of doom and certainty around a future outcome/ fate is a cue you may be dealing with Part X!) Step 2: (Pinning part x down and disallowing it to shift) is also a good perspective shift- it helps us realize just how good at picking at our insecurities and pivoting subjects Part X is. It keeps us ready for Part X, which is as creative as we are, to spin new thoughts and events into problems and change tactics each time we gain mastery over a new Part X-related or self sabotaging thought. Step 3 (intermingling with fluid reality,) Maybe not so much a perspective shift but a valuable practice in order to keep us in the present. Bringing ourselves back to the present moment is a valuable way to move on after identifying Part X and its messages. It almost feels like it should be its own meditation. So that was the first modification I made to the tool.

Rather than dropping Step 3 entirely to shorten the Fluidity tool, I had my clients treat step 3 as a mindfulness practice, separate from the rest of the tool (at least to start.) Once they could visualize and feel and the sensation of flowing forward, I told my clients that anytime Part X butts in, just label it as “Part X” or tell it to shut the fuck up (or whatever phrase feels right in for banishing Part X,) and keep flowing forward. Other thoughts and feelings can be acknowledged and accepted without banishment. We made distraction part of this practice, not a derailment, as it is with many mindfulness meditations. As a mindfulness practice Step 3 not only puts us at one with the present and our current surroundings, it’s good practice for the fact that Part X is gonna butt in and kick us out of the present whenever possible. It primes us for shutting it the fuck up and continuing on (or flowing forward as it were.) Treating Step 3 like a separate meditation or practice was way easier for my clients, and frankly myself to do (I personally do it if I find myself ruminating when trying to sleep.)

Now for steps 1 and 2- I needed clients to develop an organic shorthand for these. So for as long as it took, I had my clients plug prevalent, current Part X thoughts or insecurities into an example of when, as Step 1 says, Part X “attacks you, flooding you with powerful, primitive thoughts and feelings. Be aware of how these thoughts and feelings objectify you: how single-minded and one-dimensional you become; how the drum beat of certainty simplifies and reduces what is normally a complex variety of thoughts, feelings, and choices, into one thought, one feeling, one urge.” This helped make it obvious how Step 1 applies to their particular flavor(s) of Part X and how it might diminish their self worth/identities over time. Then we did Step 2. It’d take time, but as Step 1’s perspective shift was cemented in clients’ minds, these clients were able to use their intrinsic understanding of step 1 to identify Part X and use only Step 2 in the actual moment of a Part X attack.

From then on, clients only had to use Step 1 as an occasional reminder of how reductive Part X is (sometimes we fortified this with shadow work and other practices that helped them acknowledge their whole selves.) Step 2 was the real shorthand weapon against Part X in the moment. And Step 3 was a separate thing, though once clients got used to it as a practice they could tack it onto the end of Step 2 when they had the time to re-center themselves or reconnect with any forward momentum they were experiencing before Part X chose to butt in (sometimes we added rhythmic movement for this use of the step.)

This might not be the way you choose to modify (and therefore remember) Fluidity as a tool, it’s just an example of what’s worked for people (including myself.) And since most tools, even if they’re not as long as Fluidity, are hard to remember to use at first, you can do something similar with them. (In addition to using the tool the second you realize you forgot, as Barry and Phil urge us to do.1) Eventually you will develop a shorthand for each tool that works for you, but if it’s too long to remember the steps and all they entail to begin with, you’ll want to break them up at first and really cement each step in order to get to that shorthand. Take all the aspects or parts of a tool you find valuable and figure out why you find them valuable so you can use them accordingly. Figure out when each aspect of said tool would be useful for you. (For example, is it a reminder you can tie to an existing habit or a conditional in-the-moment practice? And if starting a tool as an in-the-moment practice is tough, can you transition said tool from once a day, looking back on the day when you could have used it to remembering to use it in the moment?) Remember, the authors want these tools to work for everyone and everyone is different. Work with your differences!

1. Most artists probably just started making art without thinking. Meaning whatever their particular craft is, it is somewhat instinctual. Even if they’ve taken classes and spent years in school developing the skills to be a better artist, entertainer or writer, they probably started on the playground, passing notes in class, etc. I realize now reading Garfield strips as a kid was a great way to learn basic joke structure without being distracted by any punchlines. I dictated stories to my mom. I was writing before I knew what writing was. I’m even doing it now that brain fog has decimated my skill set. Because I can’t stop.

2. Even though art is instinctive, for many it is also a highly developed a skill honed over painstaking time and effort, a skill that expresses one’s feelings in a healthy way. Some artists also process our feelings creatively. Therefore, to be without your craft is akin to emotional constipation (ew.) If clients or I don’t have the time or energy to even come up with creative ideas, we feel like a piece of our lives is missing. We struggle to find motivation for anything. If you’re creating, even the worst tasks and day jobs can inform creative endeavors. If you’re not, motivation behind all the other tasks we have is harder to come by.

3. Artists developed a healthy addiction that satisfies our brains so we cannot leave, even though this takes up time and energy. Even if we are no longer under the conditions we developed these skills to survive, they have become part of how we see the world- I actually can’t tell you how many times I’ve convinced a creative person that treating their depression or anxiety won’t make them less creative, and their former coping mechanisms will actually flourish under better conditions (they always do!) Unlike unhealthy addictions, when creativity stops being a coping mechanism it really thrives.

4. You can literally get nightmares if you leave it be and stop making stuff. I got hit with chronic fatigue (me/cfs) due to covid and other genetic propensities and for a long time I wasn’t creating anything. Nor was I able to work helping others create. This is when the nightmares started, and they literally didn’t stop until I began writing each nightmare into film pitches I had no intention of pitching/drafting out. And I had to earnestly write them with as much intention and skill as I could muster under shit mental and physical conditions. I’ve seen clients go through similar. Not necessarily nightmares, but all sorts of cognitive plagues if they stop creating altogether. Said plagues gave us insight into our work together, but they didn’t leave until the client in question was creating again.

If your brain has been torturing you because your life doesn’t serve your creativity, not only do you qualify for my discounted rates (because art doesn’t pay shit!) but I can help you build a life that will serve your needs better. Where you feel whole again. Where your motivation is redirected back to the artistic journey from whence it came.

What do you do when you grow up in an ableist world? You become an ableist (insert any ist here really.) You don’t mean to, you just do- even if you become disabled! Society’s prejudices seep through the unseen corners of our minds before we catch up to what’s happening. So what do you do when you recognize you hold a prejudice that hurts yourself and/or others and doesn’t conform with your values? You work on it, of course- but actually working on it is tough. So sometimes we externalize the problematic thoughts we previously internalized or vice versa in order to avoid addressing the actual thoughts and beliefs we know we must change.

I am an ableist. Not to other people (at least not anymore,) but to myself. I say and think things about myself I would NEVER EVER say to or think about others with disabilities or chronic illnesses. And for a time, I used to call my mother “the worst internalized ableist” because she simply coped with her chronic illnesses/disability in a way society approved of (keeping as busy as possible, just constant productivity) and I was jealous that her coping mechanism was ‘the right one’ according to the society we have to live in. I thought I was done healing from my internalized ableism, but I was just at the start. I was noticing things that triggered my internalized feelings of inadequacy and calling my mom out like I cared about social justice, but I was actually just angry at myself for having different, less ‘acceptable’ coping mechanisms. It had nothing to do with my mom, and I wasn’t done working on my ableism, I had just externalized what I previously internalized. And I called my mom ‘self hating’ due to my jealousy.

One thing I do with clients (especially after going over the personal goals they’re with me to work on) is establish what values they hold most dear. Then we find any persistent thoughts they have that go against those values. This may help guide us towards some shadow work in the future but it mainly provides something to address so the client is living more in alignment with their values, especially when I’m going to help them pursue a life goal in a way they won’t regret1. The thought patterns we must tackle together are often prejudices or presumptions my clients externalize or internalize due to their unique societal experience. Or they’re just beliefs society imparted that don’t affect them personally, but do affect people and don’t fit their values generally. I may not understand my clients’ experiences on a personal level but I will never deny what society puts my clients through or their personal experiences. We can help banish problem thought patterns while still acknowledging that the world is unfair and perpetuates these patterns. And I can still call clients out with “Hey, are you working on the actual thought we talked about or just projecting what you used to direct internally outward (or vice versa)?”

As for my mom, who am I to say ‘keeping busy’ doesn’t help her distract from or cope with chronic pain? When my mother responds “yeah I have that too” when I’m venting about a new symptom or diagnosis, who am I to say she’s dismissing me instead of trying to relate? I didn’t even ask her! I thought I was standing up for myself for once, but I was taking old wounds, wounds she had already apologized for accidentally contributing to, and throwing them in her face because I was jealous and still torturing myself for being unable to get enough work done. I was also examining her life in a way I had no business doing. I was essentially doing the same thing I hate: When an unknowingly ableist person says “my cousin has ___ and they work full time/walk/study/travel etc. just fine!” but from the other side. My mom works full time “just fine” too if you’re just an observer. And the answer to both the the ableist trope I mentioned and me calling my mom an internalized ableist is the same: different people are different. No two experiences are the same. My mom works hard, but I know for a fact she is not doing “just fine.” She’s hurting every day. And I have mostly different conditions and symptoms! I have more chronic fatigue than chronic pain, of course I deal differently than someone whose pain is more prominent than fatigue! Just because she can project the appearance of “doing fine” that society demands and I can’t doesn’t mean I get to call her an internalized ableist. In fact, my jealousy was proof that I was the ableist here. I was still judging people by societal standards because I have to live with them, and it’s hard to stop putting societal standards on SOMEone when you have to live with them, or at least hear society’s prejudices constantly. I hadn’t done any real work on my ableism yet, I just redirected the hatred I felt for myself towards my mother. I hadn’t addressed and corrected the presumptions and shitty beliefs that caused the hatred at all. You know, the actual work. The work that’s difficult and ongoing because I still have to live in society and society is ableist. I just learned what the shitty beliefs were, and used what I learned to take out my rage on someone else for a change.

Obviously, society’s full of ists- some of which don’t affect us directly but also don’t conform to our values. These must be addressed as well. I have a ‘white guilt’ journal so I don’t put the onus on friends to comfort me over prejudices they deal with. I definitely encourage either a ‘guilt’ or ‘defensiveness’ journal for any prejudice or pattern of thought you’re working on over issues that don’t affect you directly! Whichever you’re prone to, undue guilt or defensiveness. And guess what? You’ll probably bounce from one to the other when you’re just starting the work. But you’ll have the problem thoughts themselves on paper either way, so you’ll recognize it more quickly when you’re ping-ponging like this instead of addressing the problem beliefs themselves. It’s much harder to spot it when you’re having problem thoughts around issues you don’t personally face, so journals are great for this!

As for the stuff we do face, (like I face ableism and know my feelings of inadequacy over my health issues get triggered by my relationship with my mom,) we just have to be very vigilant to start. Maybe we’ll need to figure out all the general thought patterns you fall into pertaining to the issue. Then you can point out which of your personal values each thought pattern goes against. Observe how each thought pattern hurts yourself and others. And no comparisons to other people who face the same systemic issues! It’s one thing when healthy people tell me “you’re too young to have that” or “you don’t need that cane/chair” or “have you thought of yoga?” It’s another thing when I get jealous another disabled person doesn’t need a cane or chair, or that they’re more comfortable using mobility aids in public than I am yet. I tend to get especially jealous if their health issues are close to or the same as mine.

In fact, I have a friend I admire for her comfort with mobility aids because her situation is so different from mine I literally cannot project or get jealous. But I’d bet anything her comfort that seems so effortless didn’t come easily and she still has to address shitty thoughts frequently. Now please enjoy this clip of my funny friend Danielle Perez, who lost her feet, WINNING A TREADMILL on The Price Is Right. As she’s said before, “At least we know the show’s not rigged!” I’ve heard her answer a dumb question with “It’s like anyone else’s treadmill, it sits in my house collecting laundry” or tell other comics who deserve it “That treadmill has more tv credits than you!” (Also one time I posted a storefront called “foot world” on instagram because it’s a weird name for a store and she commented “Hana can you go inside for me? It’s an emergency.”) That’s how I want to treat my own health issues. With grace and humor (and the occasional snark for those who actually deserve it, not my mom.) And admiration is how I want to treat others living with disabilities, even if they’re the same as mine. Even if they’re me!

Maybe you can simply have a “done” list instead of or along with a “to do” list you celebrate at the end of every week. Maybe you’ll learn a new language or skill you thought was beyond your abilities. As for me, my chronically fatigued joint disordered ass is going to learn how to sail.

I know, I have the same associations with boating and boat people everyone else does. It’s an activity of rich, WASPy jerks who have since upgraded to yachts. Stinky boating shoes without socks. Country clubs. Pirates. Country club pirates. Jaws. Jaws 2. Whichever Jaws had Michael Caine in it. An ex and abuser of mine who was boat schooled (at least homeschooled kids on land can meet up at the library, the park or if they’re Mormon, basketball. Boat schooled… jeez. Should’ve seen that red flag.) But I also associate sailing with my dad and his family. White AF for sure, but not WASPy jerks unless there’s stuff I don’t know. I think they were the only sailing Jews in SoCal at the time along with Rod Serling’s family with whom they took boat trips. My dad looks upon these trips with a fondness and admiration I can’t quite describe. (He also taught me about Serling’s unparalleled dedication to his craft, writing for hours every day even when stuck inside a tiny rocking cabin with a typewriter that’s hard enough to use on land if you’ve ever tried using a typewriter for some reason.)

One time, my grandpa even woke my dad up in the middle of the night and took him to the marina, after which my 40-something grandfather promptly fell asleep in the cabin of their little sailboat while my dad was entrusted to navigate to Catalina by the stars. He was 10 years old. Imagine having that kind of trust in your abilities at only 10, but with the security of knowing you could wake your parent for help at any time. Dad did it, too. He made it to the island before sunrise, or before his dad woke up, anyway. My dad and I never got to emulate this trip as we planned- he was diagnosed with dementia before he could teach either of us how to sail. So I found some sailing classes (yes, they’re pricey as hell. Please pay to be my client.)

I just want to show myself that I can do what my 10 year old future father and a compulsive liar1 who did a number on my confidence could do, even with a bunch of chronic illnesses and brain fog and motion sickness. Even if my hypermobile elbow bends backwards a little when hoisting a jib or whatever the correct boat language is I’m gonna learn. Even if I have to take time off from classes every time I have an illness flareup. Even if the no socks thing is mandatory and I have to use athletes foot cream for the rest of my life. Even though my skin has somehow become allergic to the sun, which my doctor can’t even connect to any of my current diagnoses. Even if the boat floods like the rest of LA would with a slight drizzle. Even though I can barely afford the certification course on its own, let alone the class that teaches you how to navigate with star maps, and don’t even know who to ask to rent a little sailboat to actually take the trip. Do I need boat insurance if it’s a rental? Is there such a thing as boat insurance?

I suppose if you were talked down at about some skill and that same skill was talked up to you by a loved one, you’re gonna want to test yourself and see if you can do it. But it’s gone so far beyond these 2 people. I never have to speak to that ex again and even though I’ll tell my dad about these classes, the trip and everything in between, his dementia means he’ll forget what I said after like 10 minutes. I want to prove to myself that I can do this thing that seems so alien and out of my skillset, social group, or even…comfort zone? Interest? I just need to show myself I can do this for symbolic reasons I guess. I let a few sailing stories fester in the back of my mind until I just had to try it to see if I can. And if you can think of something, some skill or adventure that’d raise your confidence because it’s so far outside your comfort zone it got stuck in your mind as well, give it a go! (I mean, prepare properly and take your time! Be safe! But go!)

I’m aware of current events and capable of empathy does that answer your question? Yeah I fucking stress! I have lots of tools and methodologies to deal with said stress, but sometimes they only go so far. Because everything I’ve learned was designed for unreasonable stress or irrational levels of it. I’m not having that. I’m having a normal response to the world around me. I’ve even had some clients find me recently because their therapist or other practitioner ended up treating a reasonable response like an individual problem or just wouldn’t let them vent.

Community is necessary to truly remain in perspective during troubled times, but we’ve certainly made it hard for chronically ill individuals to engage in community (also third spaces are rare and often cost money!), So that’s not part of my personal toolkit for now (let it be a part of yours if you can!) There’s venting while writing, social or political activism, breath work, meditation, all sorts of methodologies1 that can lower your stress levels (Social or political activism may not be generally prescribed for stress but it sure feels relevant now, especially if yours comes with a side of “feeling helpless!”) But lowered or not, stress in general is something we’re gonna live with to an extent until/if we find ourselves in a safer, more empathetic society. (And it does take a tangible toll on our health IF we already have certain health problems.)

For my part, I’ve learned to treat my stress like an annoying sibling. It’s not invalid, just irritating. Not wrong, just getting in my way all the time. When it IS disproportionately high for any situation, that’s when we can actually bond and discover something we have in common via shadow work. When it isn’t, when it’s truly just a normal reaction to the world we live in, it’s obnoxious (also it takes my stuff and puts it away wrong or in the wrong place, so the sibling metaphor works. Stress makes us a bit forgetful.) But it’s also one of the most human things I have in my life. As I’m not able to be in community often, I vent by writing about my stress like it’s a sibling too. (And about the fascist billionaire oligarchs who caused it when necessary - I try not to let these fucks take up too much brain space but sometimes it’s necessary. When I’m able to take a walk I do, and I see that life still goes on despite them.)

I don’t know how you’ll learn to live with your appropriate stress levels, but I know you can and you will. Maybe your outlets will look similar to mine, maybe they won’t. But chances are you’re already learning because we’re stuck with this society. For all I know your identity is such that stress has been along for the ride your whole life! How to live with it really depends on the person, but I know you can figure out what works for you without being forced to deny reality (or we can figure it out together.)

“I bring up problems in our friendship because I feel it’s worth working on. When you get overly guilty, it puts the onus on ME to comfort YOU over a mistake YOU made.” Being overly guilty and emphasizing it to her didn’t make my friend feel taken seriously or better, it made her feel worse, because, well, we’re friends. It just made her feel bad for me and like she couldn’t bring up problems in the future. That was the last thing I wanted!

I don’t know where I picked up the habit of feeling overly shameful or guilty over slight mistakes and I’ve noticed a lot of clients with vastly different life experiences have this issue. But I think I probably learned to emphasize it publicly because I didn’t feel heard as a kid. Now I’m an adult and people actually believe me, even if I don’t over explain myself or overemphasize how seriously I’m taking a situation. As for the feelings being disproportionate, I think that’s a symptom of part x (our inner saboteur.) In fact it’s one of the indicators I listed as cues a person might be dealing with part x. It’s not even helpful for addressing the problem, when guilt and shame are disproportionately strong, we have to take time and energy to deescalate our emotions before we can even deal with whatever issue made us feel these things in the first place.

Remember, you can do a part x tool towards the level of an emotion even if you feel the emotion itself is justified or makes sense. If it’s keeping you from living your life, let alone try to rectify whatever problem caused said shame or guilt, the level and intensity of these emotions doesn’t make sense. Just like overblowing someone’s level of authority in your mind is a reason to use Projection Dissolving, even if they do have authority over you.

Shame in particular, may also be an indicator that one of your shadows1, the aspects of ourselves we bury, is at play somewhere. Maybe try to remember the first or most resonant time you felt this flavor of shame and see if that brings up some strong feelings. Might be time to do some shadow work if that’s the case!

Our instincts may dictate the opposite, but the more self-acceptance we develop and practice, the more we’re able to accept when we’ve messed up without wallowing or unnecessarily beating ourselves up. With enough self-acceptance, instead of responding I am worthless, when we fail to realize the effects of our actions, we learn to respond I can do the work regarding this. Without feeling so much shame or guilt our chests or throats tighten up or hurt. And without putting unnecessary emotional labor onto our friends and loved ones.

Oh my god, I did this too! I realized. When I didn’t get in trouble for doodling, it helped. In fact, when I was interested in or understood the subject, I never stopped doing this even as classes became more and more advanced. There was no reason to stop- it worked. It works to this day when I listen to audiobooks I want to learn from or remember!

I have another client with ADHD as well who takes the same walk every day. Once a week, that walk is on the phone with me. I usually like to be able to see my clients’ facial expressions and have them meet me where and when they’re able to write down anything we discussed or tried that feels significant, but when I realized this client was associating landmarks on their walks with points in our conversations that felt pivotal, and by taking these walks repeatedly they were essentially going over our sessions, I gave up my desire for our meetings to look with how I thought they should. Whatever works works.

So I don’t mean to brag, (mostly because this isn’t about my successful intuition, but the failures of various medical and psychiatric institutions) - but I have a 100% rate of asking patients if they want to undergo ADHD testing and being correct that they do indeed have ADHD1. This is probably because as a coach, I work more with people on their day-to-day activities, habit forming and smaller tasks as well as overall personal goals- all things ADHD tends to affect very strongly. These clients come to me thinking that they’re just lazy and leave knowing a lot more about their specific roadblocks around completing tasks, habit forming and how to approach these things while combating or avoiding said roadblocks. But they usually know some things already- like how they encode and reinforce certain things in their memories, often via unconventional means.

It’s common for my zoom calls to begin with a client with ADHD in a “messy” room only to discover the client has everything out and visible in a specific place so they remember where everything is and have visual cues to do certain things routinely. Like, if their dental floss is hidden in a bathroom drawer like it’s ‘supposed’ to be, they might not remember to use it. But if it’s by their computer, their toothbrush or on their nightstand, it might not look pretty but the floss has a much greater chance of being used (especially if there’s a wastebasket for used floss close by!) Sometimes my clients’ rooms serve as their own to-do lists. And if this system is imperfect we can tweak it, but if it works overall, I’m not gonna tell clients to change their whole lifestyle because it’s not the ‘usual’ or ‘normal’ way people do things. (They can hide that ‘not-actually-a-mess’ when a certain type of guest comes or it’s time to deep clean, just gotta make sure to hide it within categories their brain came up with itself)2

When a client with ADHD and I try to institute a new habit and they don’t yet know what works with their ADHD brain/memory, there’s a lot of trial and error. We often make sure we’re instituting said habit in the space and time when and where the habit must be done, or use any strong memories, thoughts or feelings they associate with said habit or area it takes place in (space tends to be better than time.) We may need to body double and have the client run through said habit at least once with me present, just to start. Just putting something on a to-do list won’t necessarily work. But a post-it might (now I’m just thinking about Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion because of post-its, damn parallel thinking!) Post-its are often better because they can be placed at eye level anywhere a task must be done. Whereas for someone with ADHD, a whole to-do list might have to be visible at all times. Besides, sometimes a single to-do list is so long, so overloaded with tasks, it might trigger overwhelm - a post-it is usually for one task only and can even be color coded for however said client wishes to contextualize tasks. In other words, they’re more easily used how some clients with ADHD are already arranging their stuff. Even if post-its work, my client and I must also figure out how to get through any executive dysfunction that may arise after first seeing and trying to do the post-it task (otherwise they might avoid it altogether and spend all afternoon inventing a special type of glue instead, which is cool as fuck but nobody asked for that not even my client themselves, nor did Michele even though it was her dream sequence she invented the glue in!)

Reversal of Desire is also a helpful habit for habit forming itself. But even that needs the proper cues and for the client to notice those cues in time in order to be used effectively. Whichever methods we try using in order to cement habits and chip away at tough tasks, they’re gonna take a lot of time, undergo lots of modifications, and require a lot of client input.

Therefore, what’s most useful to me when it comes to helping clients with ADHD is what my clients already know about their minds and how they contextualize or encode certain things to memory. (Or in some cases, what discoveries they make when something I suggest doesn’t work and I ask why that might be or what got in the way!) My client themselves will always be the best guidepost when we’re coming up with and tweaking new ways to do or remember essential and new tasks, even if they aren’t as attuned to the particularities of their memories and inner workings as the clients I cited up top. At this point, I know which questions to ask and tasks to try in order to eventually learn how my clients think, how they remember, and what sorts of associations they develop that “stick” in their memories more easily than others (Emotionally resonant memories or strong emotional associations with tasks? Location dependent associations? Creative ‘busy hands’ hobbies? Making certain tasks a game? Someone they care about is motivating, or some movie they really care about and remember by heart from 1997 is? Etc.)

The tech sector promised a lot to a lot of people and delivered that promise to very few (the vast majority of the few being previously wealthy cis white men.) Not only that, it delivered said promise to people who either don’t know how to be in leadership or people who’ve long since served their purpose and no longer live in the real world, making real world leadership impossible. Tech ceos and other higher ups deliver buzzwords like “innovation” and “disruption” yet no longer live with the necessities that actually drive good inventions. Nor can they see what needs to be ‘disrupted’ vs. what most people are perfectly happy with.

In fact, almost everyone I talk to in tech has the same frustration: the employee, an expert in ____ is being ignored along with their colleagues by their CEO or boss, who is not an expert in ____ by any means. Said CEO is so out of their depth they might as well be speaking gibberish- but the employee must shut up and get it done. Get what done how? Who knows. Meanwhile an atmosphere of fear keeps everyone silent. Layoffs can happen anywhere, anytime.

The higher ups do not understand how ___employee’s job is done, yet have “ideas” on how to make it go smoothly & be more efficient. Said ideas, however, are basically either impossibilities or are actively impeding the employee’s work. Upward mobility has been halted in many places and wages stagnate, so said employee basically has 0 motivation on all fronts. They are not being heard, nor are they being paid enough to be ok with that. Many people in tech were promised a job so influential or world changing it’d become a crucial part of their identities. Now their sense of self is languishing because they’ve tied it to the wrong thing, and it’s not easy to untangle one’s identity from something, especially job title and wage in our society.

If this is you and you feel stuck in your tech job, we can brainstorm a solution to get you out or at least get you out emotionally. Everyone’s solution is different. You don’t have to leave work to leave it at work, for example. There are lots of different things you can do to wrestle back your sense of identity and personal growth and lots of sectors that can use your skills. Even if it takes longer to leave your current role in this economy you can build an exit strategy with that in mind and build up coping skills in the meantime. There are several tools and hobbies you can try to keep your work self confined to work hours and have a more holistic sense of self your shitty bosses don’t have power over. But we won’t know what works until you try different things and have some feedback to share. You may even find yourself happy somewhere in between leaving your tech job and leaving it emotionally. If the exit plan(s) we draw up leave you open to all possibilities, you’ll be able to tell what feels most ‘right’ for you. Unlike your boss or CEO, I’m here to listen. You drive this process. It’s your life.

Maybe it wasn’t your gut instinct that led you to your current job or tech in general. Maybe it was the promise of financial safety or crucial career skills. Now that this promise has been broken, maybe it’s time to finally listen to yourself. And if it was instinctive when you entered this job, is it still? Or are you actively fighting new intuition(s)?

After an open mic or an acting class, there’s always someone who stays after to try to regale their classmates with a story or something. Whether the story’s good or bad, there’s a desperation there that some people just don’t like. Is that unfair if it’s a good story, told well? Fuck yes. But it’s reality. And it’s also reality that the entertainment industry is in shambles, artists don’t make money and society doesn’t value the arts like it should. It certainly doesn’t value the people who make entertainment, art & media. This affects our ability to value ourselves as people too. Hence, palpable desperation where it doesn’t need to be.

The desperation you might sense off an entertainer or artist clashes with the very values of the person feeling it. I mean, yeah, maybe that story didn’t happen “last week” or “the other day” but a lot of work went into the little details, even the exaggerations that make this story witty and worth listening to. An entertainer knows that and values these things. They take in their audience’s laughs and gasps like air. There’s a foundation of self worth missing. We’re all surrounded by air. And the accolades of an audience are never enough. The high you get off of a good art show or performance wears off very quick (even quicker if said performance was online!) Because the person we’re truly trying to impress and entertain, ourselves, is the harshest critic of all.

Even when we think we’re viewing ourselves through the lenses of others: our parents, gallery goers, industry gatekeepers, a theater audience: we’re still creating a facsimile of those people in our own heads. Where our most creative, knowledgeable, harshest critic lives. Perfectionism reigns inside the entertainer. We notice tiny flaws others don’t, so we presume others do too. I might not be relatable enough to my parents to make them laugh often, but I’m not boring them like I think I am either. Even silent audiences are rarely outright bored, try performing for any European audience (Edinburgh Fringe doesn’t count.) They just don’t like to visibly emote over there.

So how can we escape the desperate need to perform for others? Or create something worthy of showing? Admitting we’re performing or creating for ourselves and we’ll always be a work in progress. Constant acknowledgement that nothing we do will be perfect and that doesn’t validate undue self criticism. Try telling your childhood self, the person who just got interested in your craft for the first time, the cruel bullshit you’re telling yourself these days and see how absurd it truly is. You won’t be cured from the need to do whatever it is you do to “entertain other people” (It was truly devastating when my therapist told me I should go back to stand up. I thought I was doing well in therapy!) But you will be honest about the true need- what captivating others actually represents- self acceptance. The ability to move and breathe with ease and comfort through this world. Now all you have to do is a whole ass lifetime of shadow work to get there. Hooray!

Note: It seems more and more inevitable that I’ll plan the release of a more lighthearted, silly self-deprecating article like this for sometime in the future and it’ll come out when a terrible tragedy is in the news. If this happened here, I am sorry. This article was pre-scheduled.

We can gather interested parties together (preferably limited to those who live in reality and aren’t currently in, say, a Fox News/Facebook bubble), and set up a neighborhood discord, email chain, signal chat or whichever platform you wish and feel safest with. From there we’ll find a time to meet and try to address and really hear everyone’s concerns as best we can. We will brainstorm solutions and protocol that are personalized for your community and its requirements: things like methods to alert one another of danger, mutual aid funds, school escorts, rent relief funds, putting consistent pressure on local officials, and anything else that may be needed by those most vulnerable in your community (I will try to prioritize these voices first and foremost, but if we have no end time we can make sure every single person is heard.) We can figure out how to apply each community member’s unique skills (anyone an EMT, nurse or Doctor? Teach self defense? Tech experts who can help keep your communication private? Parents and Teachers? Etc.) In order to safeguard one another and build real bonds.

We can also go over methods to deal with overwhelm and news fatigue. I have a few in my arsenal we can modify to suit the needs of your particular group, and we can also find go-to local people, like mental health professionals willing to do some volunteer hours, or even just those with stellar listening skills and free time. We can also look into charities and organizations that already exist locally for those who want to volunteer, need specific help, or both! I am literally just here to facilitate and help y’all brainstorm. Your community is probably full of people with unique skills and more empathy than you can imagine, you’re just not meeting in this kind of setting and it’s hard to find out this stuff out organically.

Once we set up basic communication networks or online hubs and identify local counselors and therapists (or just volunteers if necessary,) conflict resolution can hopefully be done internally from now on. This way you as a neighborhood can present a united front against anyone who’d harm vulnerable community members. Not only will you be able to protect one another, you’ll probably discover in-person bonds and longtime friendships that wouldn’t have been possible without something as simple as a meeting. I’m really just there to listen and help identify the community’s needs. That’s why I’m happy to do this for free, with anyone willing to help organize a meeting like this, anywhere in the country.

(I also meet with other kinds of groups and couples with other goals, at my regular rates. But this isn’t part of my job it’s part of my civic duty, so I ask nothing but cooperation and that you all try to trust everyone present means well and wants to help, as this will be implied in the call to action for such a meeting.)

I’ve actually never witnessed an occasion where myself, a friend or a client ignores their instincts and it leads to a good outcome. Following them can lead to difficulties, but those are usually temporary difficulties or necessary personal growth. Something better is on the horizon when you follow that gut feeling. Instinct is usually just wisdom and pattern recognition not yet made conscious. I’m not saying follow your gut blindly, but it’s definitely a sign to inquire more about whatever person or aspect of your life it’s popping up around. In my dad and Phil Stutz’s sequel to The Tools, Coming Alive, a quote stands out: “Goodness requires instinct, not edicts.”1 I’d argue personal growth and/or improving your life requires the same.

I find a lot of clients denying their nagging gut feelings with their workplaces these days, simply because there aren’t a lot of good jobs out there. That doesn’t mean you can’t question certain things (with tact of course,) or poll your co-workers to see who’s getting what kind of treatment and salary. (Or if “perks” nobody asked for are being waved around instead of increased salaries all around. Nobody cares about pizza Thursdays or whatever.) Start with peers so if you see a pattern, you can point it out together and try to uplift one another. If nothing changes, your workplace has basically told you who they are. (And hopefully by doing this together, you’ve formed allies. People with whom you can share job listings and tips. If one of you makes it to a better place, they can leave the door open whenever possible.)

It’s a little harder when this gut feeling wields its head towards family members. But all the more important to explore. If it’s a new feeling about someone who’s been in your life for ages, what’s changed? If it’s a new person, when does this feeling come up? See if you can try the play dumb method (Which will be easier than outlined in this article because you’re genuinely and earnestly trying to find out more instead of just playing “dumb.”)

Just, please, if there’s one thing I can impart, one thing I can tell y’all that’s more or less true for everyone, listen to your gut. You don’t have to be impulsive to do so. In fact, you can often find out why your gut is bugging you before taking any action at all. Just don’t shy away from these feelings because they’re scary or interrupt your personal narrative, please. I promise a more truthful, nuanced narrative will be better, even if it sucks to face at first. And try not to wait till you’re ‘ready’ because nobody ever is- my simple recommendation of ‘getting more info’ is already the “baby steps” move between the urge to wait and facing the truth and making the changes you need to. After all, part of you may already know the answers to the questions you’ll be asking, you just need confirmation.

Brain fog feels like…swimming against a current. You’re working so hard to focus on tasks at hand and a single distraction may send you miles behind. You have to push twice as hard to get nowhere.

But that doesn’t cover it because brain fog can also feel like being pulled in a billion different directions so hard you forget what’s in each direction. You know about task paralysis? Since your emotions are in real time and you brain is in “who the fuck even knows” time, you can literally experience task paralysis having forgotten all the tasks. You lose your phone every day. You have to write down basic things you used to do automatically, like brushing your teeth1. God forbid you had an especially pattern-seeking brain before because now you can’t even make your parallel thinking/connections make sense to other people. Everything you say seems like gibberish because you can’t catch up to your own words.

Brain fog feels like simultaneously forgetting your friends and then bombarding them with bullshit because you can’t distinguish between what’s important to THEM and what YOU just need to remember in the moment until the conversation’s over. Then you forget to have another conversation for months despite feeling the same way you’ve always felt about them. It’s easy to alienate yourself (not to mention brain fog usually comes with or from chronic illness and that can already be alienating.)

Brain fog feels…mushy. Sloggy. Quicksandy, but slow? Claggy. I don’t know what that means but they say it on that baking show and it sounds right. It feels like getting your tongue stuck in the same electrical socket over and over? I’ve never done this so how would I know? Maybe I can come up with a simple analogy? Brain fog feels like you’ve taken too much cough medicine by accident and now you have to go about your day as normal. Yep. That’s it. Brain fog feels like that.

Sorry it took me awhile to get there. Please give yourself grace if it’s taking you awhile to mentally get where you used to automatically or easily go. Get more sleep and do some challenging puzzles or memory games (develop strong, unbridled rage against Will Shortz if you have to.) Do whatever your doctor says and just…be patient with yourself. And be kind to others who have this symptom due to medication or illness itself. They’re fighting an uphill battle (or some other metaphor.)

How do you make those questions sound real if you’ve already challenged this person on their belief system? Play dumb (if this is tough, ask your youngest or most checked-out sibling- they probably have some tips!) Use a genuine tone of voice and ask things like “Where did you read/hear this, I never heard this!” like you’re actually curious and don’t know the answer’s Facebook. Get the family member in question to speak more in-depth about their belief system, as much as possible. If you know the answers will hurt someone present due to an aspect of their identity they didn’t choose, let them know what you’re doing beforehand so they know you’re still on their side. (If they’re not emotionally prepared for a bunch of hate & bullshit, wait till a gathering when they’re not present and this time you can systematically change the subject together.) If the person you’re asking to share their shitty beliefs accidentally reveals an inconsistency within them, chances are they saw it too. Read the room, but maybe hold back on calling this out. Plus, someone else might do so.

This is because the problematic, bigoted or patently false answers to innocent sounding questions will make sure anyone doubtful or ignorant of where the questioned family member stands now knows the truth. This may reveal that you have more allies than you think! You even may be able to coordinate with more people in the future to diminish this person’s power at family gatherings!

It’s hard to feign ignorance, and even harder to ask follow-ups with that same air of ignorance. Don’t do this if it feels like the wrong idea. But this may actually bring up important questions that help said family member ‘leave the cult’ so to speak- when they’re emotionally ready that is. More than any fact checking or unbiased news article or study they’ll refuse to read. We’re emotional creatures and sometimes people believe what’s emotionally convenient over the truth.

If you’ve started your own business, yeah, clients are dipping out or needing discounts you can’t sustain long-term or without more clients, not fewer. This doesn’t reflect the value of your work either, but rather how much spending money people have these days, or how much companies have set aside for services like yours.

We want problems we can control. If our economic woes were our fault, we could fix them! But believing it’s our fault doesn’t help us fix anything. You’d try new things, apply to new sectors and try to find creative ways to make money whether your current economic status were your fault or not. And based upon the global economy now, it’s very likely not your fault. Blaming ourselves is attractive but it just makes us beat ourselves up unnecessarily and place extra emphasis on where we are financially. Hindsight is also 20/20. Sure, any middle aged millennial can look at their student loan debt or current job sector (RIP digital media amirite?) And bemoan their mistakes but how were we to know they were mistakes? And Gen Z? They’re the new punching bag, the new recipients of all the op-ed blame we once got. That can’t possibly make anyone feel confident or competent. Telling them and younger millennials to go into STEM certainly didn’t work out either. And of course, wages have been stagnant for everyone. For better or worse, it’s not your fault.

So what can you do? Perhaps accept that debt is the new norm. Maybe pursue your dreams for once. Maybe apply to jobs in new ways, mix up your resume, try to make contact with real humans depending on the sector and how feasible/not annoying that is, I don’t know. I don’t know you, I can’t even ask the right questions without knowing you. But beating yourself up isn’t it. These articles may help you notice and silence the part of your brain that tortures you, blames you and keeps your life small.

In the meantime, please give yourself permission to ask “What do I actually want to do?” Whether and how much you pursue this now is up to you, like I said I don’t know you. Just ask. It’s ok to ask. It’s ok to research what it would entail. You’re just looking. Maybe you’ll find some compromise, or a new way to approach or at least view your job - it definitely can’t and shouldn’t be your whole identity! You have dreams, hopes, ideas! Those are all a part of you no matter what your ‘title’ is or lack thereof. Even if your answer is “I want to do nothing,” this means something about the state you’re currently in. This likely wasn’t always your answer, after all.

Think about it: instinctively, you already know everything I’ve just said has some truth to it. You know you have little say over what the universe throws at you. Little control over the trajectory of your own life, as much as you wish otherwise. The unknown is scary, but there’s a silver lining to letting go, assigning less and less personal value to economic struggles, and taking little steps towards your secret wants and goals. In other words, giving fewer fucks. Besides, we all expect ourselves to succeed during our first attempt at anything new and most of us fail regardless of life circumstance or the state of the economy, but simply because it was our first attempt. Might as well say “fuck it” and make new mistakes, right? If we’re almost all failing1 anyway, we might as well fail the way we want to.

I’m not the best advertiser when it comes to my coaching skills. Sometimes I can use examples of how I’ve helped people in the past, but I have to heavily anonymize these and I can’t advertise a set methodology because I don’t have one. My philosophy is that every person is different, so my coaching techniques should be too. Sometimes I use methods I’m trained in once I figure out how to modify them to suit my client. Sometimes I try certain methods out first to figure out if/how they might be suitable - it depends. Any coaching journey with me is gonna look so different from person to person. I’m also trying to collaborate with clients towards finding habits and methods they can sustain on their own. To a point where each client needs me less and less often, meaning I need a constant influx of new people to fill in gaps left by those who are seeing me less.

I want to build earnest connections and collaborate, but I’ve noticed a lot of prominent coaches advertise set practices and packages. I need to ask a lot of questions in order to figure out which process or practice to go with or adapt. I’m also very firm on not stepping into the bounds of therapy (unless I’m just drawing upon therapy a client has had or is undergoing) and that makes people respond like “oh so you’re not an expert!” Those people scroll away fast.

And to be honest, I’m not an expert! I don’t like to think of myself as one. My clients are the experts on themselves. I’m only an expert in asking the right questions. I can help with things like sustainable habit forming and goal setting. I can help break down goals and routines to suit a client’s needs, schedule, and how their brain works. I can work with clients to slowly bring their emotions closer to their circumstances, values and desired mindset. I’m only an expert in drawing upon and and drawing out my clients’ own expertise. I’m a creative, collaborative problem solver. Emphasis on the ‘collaborative’ part. If you’re my client I can get you to achieve a goal, but it’ll be your goal and we’ll be discovering your way accomplish it together. This way of coaching keeps me open minded. It helps me incorporate different clients’ feedback, belief systems and struggles into how we end up addressing whatever they wish to address. I will never demand a client deny their external/material reality. I will never give up until we find what works for them. This makes me constantly continue my education. But said education is informal, so I’m not gonna pretend to be an expert or over certified. (you’d be surprised by how many coaches absolutely do pretend to be therapists on social media). In fact, I may even suggest therapy to some clients! But I’ll be there for them through that journey too. As you can imagine, it’s hard to synthesize all of this emphasis on personalization and ‘you’re the expert but I’m very good at using that to help you’ into an ad campaign. Even this paragraph was clunky and long as fuck! I could’ve at least broken it into two.

I’m also an elder millennial who didn’t like showing my face online for the longest time. I’ve worked on this insecurity, but I have a steep learning curve when it comes to using social platforms that prioritize video effectively. (This is NOT an invitation to cold contact me about your ad services!) I don’t know how to figure out and conform to an algorithm and I hate confining myself to topical subjects and hot takes. I know I’ll muddle through though! If I try enough things, I’ll figure out how to find my people. Or maybe I’m the type of person whose audience finds me.

Besides, I’m caring less and less about this. All that matters is that I keep trying. Social media platforms change their algorithms constantly. People also buy them out constantly and modify them to suit an agenda. (Like when I used my legacy checkmark to pretend to be Elon Musk’s mother and now I’m shadow banned from twitter or whatever he wants to call it.) Word of mouth worked for my therapist parents over time, it’ll work for me. It’s just gonna take longer than it took them back in the day. And in this economy? We should all expect starting a business to take awhile. It’s ok.

And if you, like most kids, believe you must be normal, you begin to torture yourself over invisible psychological or physical issues, as well as anything that happens at home behind closed doors and how you react to it. You usually only see your friends’ families at their guest-having best, after all. As with your body and mind, you have no other homes to compare yours to. Your home, your mind, your body- you simply have no frame of reference for these things as a kid. Conversations don’t go that deep unless the issue is obvious to the adults around you. And usually it isn’t until said issue has gotten untenable. If you can keep going at all, no one’s gonna notice (people also just don’t notice issues if they’re not looking for them.) My ADHD was not diagnosed until I stopped doing all my schoolwork because I became overwhelmed and froze up when it got too tough to focus on. Until 11th grade, whatever I was told in class just entered my brain passively as I doodled. Being on autopilot was enough to get the gist of what I was supposed to be learning and fill in the blanks logically. I didn’t know other kids were even studying before high school. By then, I didn’t even know how or where to start! I couldn’t sit down to make myself do it without ruminating about how awful and lazy I was instead (by the way I think laziness is an appearance, not an actual state of being.)

This is how a lot of people develop complexes in addition to whatever physical or mental issues their actual problems are causing. Late diagnosis or analysis of a painful childhood often means questioning everything we do- pathologizing everything. Questioning everything we know about ourselves. Don’t misunderstand me- it’s good to reevaluate sometimes and a late diagnosis or acknowledgment of former abuse or mistreatment is better than none at all- but this period can be inordinately painful for some. All the lectures you got for being a ‘bad kid’ in some way have to be questioned, the way in which you think of yourself has to be questioned, all while having to still act like everything’s normal. Adults aren’t given time to process shit regardless of what’s going on. We have to process on the job, maintaining the family, keeping our friends interested, etc.

And sometimes, when we’ve gotten all the insight we could from therapy, we need to figure out how to enact these insights. How to turn them into habits without torturing ourselves for not doing so perfectly on the first try. This is one of the things I specialize in- turning knowledge into habits and habit forming for those that don’t or can’t naturally form habits. (And I’m damn good because I’ve experienced most of these things myself, but also have the creativity to create entire new systems depending on how my client thinks and lives.) But it’s hard work. For some reason, we all expect life to “go back to normal” at some point even if we’ve never known ‘normal.’ We expect things to get easier. They don’t. We get better at handling life, not the other way around.

Our perpetual problem is that the BMI system is somewhat bullshit (or rather, less accurate than other measures) if you want to treat an individual patient - you’d have to consider so many additional factors to know whether their BMI score is actually a reflection of their body fat content, let alone what may be contributing to said content and if it’s harmful (you can’t just boil it down to “lifestyle choices” or even presume anything’s a choice!) If it’s not super accurate measuring body fat content, BMI is definitely not a good way to measure someone’s overall health, yet it still has real consequences around the type and quality of medical care people get in our healthcare system. BMI was initially developed with the tiniest sample of white western European cis men. It didn’t factor for ANYONE outside of that and some populations have still not been properly considered and sampled. BMI is easy to calculate which is why it’s still used, but even now it doesn’t factor for a LOT of things that could affect someone’s overall score besides fat content. It’s still prevalent in the US healthcare system in particular because insurance companies want concrete numbers, even if those numbers don’t amount to anything of consequence in certain cases. There are stark racial and gender disparities in its efficacy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had clients and friends have real medical issues go untreated for years because their symptoms were attributed to their BMI score. It’s easier to tell someone to lose weight than listen to their concerns and run a bunch of tests in hopes that you flagged the right things in their description of their symptoms. This can lead to urgent medical issues being ignored or brushed off for YEARS. All because the patient was deemed “too fat” by a flawed system to even hear out. And even when BMI isn’t the problem, why are we ignoring people’s symptoms due to their weight? Why are we ignoring them at all?

And then there’s the overuse of GLP1s. I want to tread carefully here because these meds do have real critical applications and our current healthcare discourse is like, petrified of nuance. These meds can be great for the people they’re actually medically designed for and prescribed to, like those with type 2 diabetes. That said, I’m seeing so much societal pressure on people (particularly women) to take them regardless of their medical histories. (I’d also bet some doctors don’t think to ask patients if they’ve had a history of disordered eating before prescribing them, that seems bad to me. I’m not a doctor but I think it’s probably bad to give people with those histories something that can suppress appetite?) I’ve had clients ask me to talk them down from the urge to take GLP1s without any medical reason and convince them to continue with their already healthy lifestyles and habits that yield milder, slower results. I live in a city full of actors and I’ve seen how ultra rapid weight loss can be extremely dangerous. Also, some of these meds are fairly new, so we have limited knowledge of their long term effects, especially on people they weren’t designed for. Yet people without the medical need are flocking to these meds because in their experience, being fat in our society is worse than risking their health. I’m not judging these people- I believe their lived experiences. There’s no good choice here!

Plus sized people have also noticed a sharp drop in clothing options in recent years (also anecdotal observation on my part, just listening to friends & such.) After finally making progress in this area, we’ve shut the door again. It’s not as though offering plus size options didn’t bring in money, so what’s the problem? Are some clothing companies so bigoted they literally don’t want fat people associated with their clothing? Gross. But I think that’s honestly the reason we’ve gone back a bit in terms of the amount of clothing options offered to people with bigger bodies.

Fat1 people face discrimination in many aspects of life, even stuff that has nothing to do with one’s body size like employment and upward mobility in corporate environments. You know, the kinds of jobs where you sit at a desk all day and…actually considering what I’ve seen fat people accomplish fitness-wise I can’t imagine any job that should care. What, are these employers making people fit through a tiny passage in a hidden cavern to retrieve some magic amulet or something? (PS where did all the tiny cavern amulet retrieval jobs go? I’m very short and flexible! I bet AI took them like everything else.)

It is incumbent upon us as straight sized individuals to really question and audit the subtle ways we treat fat people and how we think of them. Do we speak to or treat them differently than others? Do we automatically assign certain lifestyle choices or habits to what might just be genetic, or something else entirely? Do we moralize those lifestyle choices and habits in everyone or just fat people? Should we moralize them at all or are they none of our fuckin business? We need to be asking ourselves these questions before it becomes the 90s/early 00s again in entertainment and fashion (ask your elder millennial or gen x friends, shit was BAD.) 2

Whatever I say about their possible experience pales in comparison to what they can tell you, so the most important thing to do is just listen. Everyone’s experience of chronic illness is different, and different people may need to be treated differently around the subject. Let your partner vent and find out how best to comfort them (or just ask directly!) Don’t expect anything in particular and maybe don’t suggest solutions unless they’re looking for suggestions or solutions, just listen. Your life is about to change too- not as much as theirs, maybe not much at all, but you should expect some changes. Your partner may need help with simple tasks, or be unable to engage in the same activities you used to do together. In many cases their abilities or lack thereof will be extremely unpredictable, making it tough to make or stick to plans. You may have to go to events alone sometimes, or take them home earlier than you want to. You may simply feel alone even if your loved one’s still there, because they don’t always have the energy to express, do or show what they used to. If you need reassurance, you may have to ask for it - they’ll almost certainly need it often as well.

This is why constant communication and finding new ways to bond are so important. Both of your needs may change and/or you may have to discuss new ways to fulfill them. The individual you fell in love with is pretty much the same person at their core- they just need more support and different ways to show you (and themselves!) that, ways that don’t require as much energy. Clear, open communication are your only way through this and both of you will need to be reminded of that sometimes. That doesn’t mean the communication has to be timely- that depends on your dynamic together and whatever the illness does- but it has to happen around any issues that arise. This is true for healthy couples and it’s even more true for you now. (Also, remember your respective moods when discussing problems may be just as important as the problems themselves.)

Chances are your partner feels like they’re a burden to you. You can help them separate and reframe it as “The illness is the burden, never you. And it’s more of a burden to you because you actually have it.” but you have to be able make this exact reframe in your own mind as well. Ask questions when your partner has the capacity to answer them. Especially about their lived experience. Your partner may also seem like they’ve become more of a pessimist, but they might seem that way because they’re trying to prepare you (and maybe themselves) for the worst. If you don’t need that kind of preparation or you prefer to stay optimistic (while still acknowledging the issue is chronic,) your partner should know this. They probably also feel gaslit by society and it’s important to find out how to validate their emotions and still provide hope. Be realistic. (It’s in the word “chronic,” chances are your partner will always have some version of this illness from now on, even if they find better treatments and coping techniques.) Do not expect them to get better health wise, no matter how much you wish they would or could. They might, they might not. They might learn to cope more easily but don’t expect to be able to observe this, because as your partner gets better at coping, they might be feeling worse or encountering other obstacles in their lives. Do not expect them to ‘push through’ their pain and symptoms when you need them to. Not only are some symptoms impossible to simply “push through,” it’s up to them to figure out if and when to “push through,” when to rest, and how to know the difference. You’re not in their body, you don’t know what your partner is feeling. You may have to put off some things due to their illness. If for example, your birthday or anniversary lands on a bad symptom day, you might have to be ok with celebrating some other time. This doesn’t mean they have the right to not consider you and your feelings, just that they will have to do so on their body’s unpredictable schedule and request your patience in the meantime.

You may need to seriously figure out if you’re able to live with the symptoms and added responsibilities your loved one’s illness brings - don’t put off these thoughts because they scare you or make you feel like a bad person. It’s better to make a decision about your relationship soon after you have a grasp on what your partner needs emotionally and physically and will need in the future than, say, after your engagement or wedding. You may want to make sure the issue is the illness itself, not the way your significant other copes with it- you may even be able to help them cope more easily if that’s the actual problem (but if they can’t or won’t change how they cope, you can’t force it.) Just be honest if you’ve made a real effort and determined you can’t do the work you need to fulfill your partner’s new support needs. Trust me, they would prefer that you be real about wanting to leave and they’ll sense it if you’re not. The decision to stay doesn’t mean you can’t have doubts, it just means the doubts won’t be as serious because you know this is the person for you and you know you can handle what their illness is throwing at you both. And it isn’t final because these decisions aren’t final for any long term relationship, they’re a commitment you each make every day. You’re in this together, fighting this together, even if you cannot fully relate to how your partner physically feels. And you may have to remind them often that you chose to stay and why.

If your partner is having trouble being listened to at the doctor’s office or even getting a proper diagnosis, it may help if they’re cool with you accompanying them to their next appointment (don’t take it personally if they’re not, you know how weird doctors offices can feel.) The two of you can tell the doctor it’s for moral support or to help your partner remember what they want to say if brain fog/memory issues are a symptom. It shouldn’t be necessary but backing up what your significant other says may help the doctor believe them, especially if they don’t “look” sick or their labs are normal. You can, for example, explain that you’ve observed some of the symptoms your partner is discussing and if they ARE having memory problems or brain fog, write down every symptom you want addressed together before the appointment and keep the list of symptoms on hand so if your partner forgets something, you mention it. Be polite but assertive, especially if they try to shoo you out before all your partner’s concerns are addressed. Defer to them if the doctor starts addressing you instead of their actual patient, but back them up and maybe add to their point(s.) If the doctor refuses to do any testing or treatments, turn to your partner and ask if they want the doctor to document said refusal in their chart.

There are almost certainly other ways to support a chronically ill significant other, I just can’t speak to them because everyone’s different, every relationship is different and every chronic illness is experienced differently by different people. All I have are ideas and none may apply to your situation except to communicate open and honestly, often and when you’re in relatively stable moods. Your partner will probably need validation and reassurance, but whatever form that comes in is up to them to explain or the two of you to figure out what works. You may need the same, and the same caveats apply. You may both want to seek outside help individually and/or together to facilitate better communication or just vent to a neutral party. You’re not alone in navigating this, but the two of you will need to find your own path through it.

I know better than this. I know the people who unfollowed were going to do so eventually and I’d be left with those who actually resonate with my stuff. I know that every time I delete a piece of writing I regret it. Even if it takes 10 years, I always end up finding a place for the premise, joke or piece I would have deleted. Most writers struggle with this and have a document or story they struggle just to to look at, let alone read. Part of what I do as a coach is to convince them not to delete the straw they’ll spin into gold someday (or at least look back on and see how far they’ve come!) Even though we’re told “kill your darlings”1 what we really should be told is “kill your darlings for now and paste them somewhere in your notes just in case you find the right place or way to resurrect them.” It’s a little wordy, I see why this version didn’t catch on but it’s the truth. I even believe this after watching an Unsolved Mysteries episode where a writer was murdered and they treated his page of shorthand cringe notes taped to his computer like some sort of clue.

It’s common knowledge but it bears repeating: If you’re not willing to be cringe and embarrass yourself, you’ll never see what’s beyond the cringe. You’ll never improve your craft and you’ll never stop caring how you come across and feel the joy that comes with finding authenticity. I know all of this, yet I deleted and hid Substack articles and didn’t even paste them elsewhere I could tweak and reuse certain parts. Beating myself up about what’s already been done won’t help, but writing this might create some accountability for the future. So that’s what I’m doing.

This is all to say if you’re thinking about deleting some of your writing- STOP! Put it somewhere only you will see it (don’t tape it to the side of your desktop monitor in case you’re murdered and your case is aired for everyone to see on Unsolved Mysteries, but do keep it!) You might just find the right fix or place for your writing someday- or even just take a few sentences from it and plug them in elsewhere. You never know. And as your writing becomes more and more authentically ‘you’ with practice, your audience will become more stable anyway and you’ll feel less embarrassed to lose 1 or 2 people.

Expectation can be an art killer- I’m talking both positive and negative expectations. Expectations for your work itself and for your career progression. If you’re living in the future, ruminating, expecting abject failure or total success, you’re probably not actually making anything. But you are kicking the can down the road to when you never have to experience failure to meet your expectations or success in meeting them and that not being what you expected it to be. When it comes to art, protecting yourself from pain means protecting yourself from progress.

We keep raising the bar for ourselves (and potentially our careers) as though being a creative is like being in school. You do your homework like you’re supposed to, you study hard, you pass and move on to the next class. The path is linear and laid out for you in plain terms. But there is no set path or universal definition of ‘success’ when it comes to creative endeavors. You could never make a dime off of your art and be a success by some measures. You could never receive recognition in your lifetime and ‘succeed’ when you’re not even there to see it. The only way to ensure true failure is to hold so tightly to what you expect the future to bring, it paralyzes you from making any artistic future at all. You will be jerked around- if not by gatekeepers or audiences, then by your ego itself. Remember what made you start creating art in the first place. Your memory probably involves experiencing a creative flow state where your ego was literally absent. The path to that state has just become a bit clouded lately.

This is why you should try creating, every single day, when you’re exhausted. When you’re just waking up or falling asleep that your ego is literally offline. This has not only worked for some of my clients, I swear. My dad and his family would go on sailing trips with Rod Serling (creator of The Twilight Zone) & family. Rod would get up far before anyone else and just start typing. Just get out every idea he could before anyone, maybe even himself, was truly awake yet. Then he spent his most alert hours socializing. I would guess by the time he went back in to edit, even if he was tired then too, he had processed all he needed to process to bring good edits in without ego getting into the mix, regardless of what time of day he did that. (You need distance from your initial work to figure out what what truly needs changing and what’s just self deprecation or aggrandizement.)

I’m not suggesting you deny yourself necessary sleep (or work during a chronic illness flareup- that’d make me a huge hypocrite.) Maybe this is a weekend only thing for you. Maybe you must move your schedule around. And if this method doesn’t currently work for you, there will be other times when your ego is not in play or other ways to keep it in check (see my previous posts on part x in particular). Keep an eye out for when you’re living in the past or future, or when you find yourself anticipating a particular audience or industry response to your work. If you have to constantly remind yourself the future is unknowable and you can’t read minds, do that instead of (or in conjunction with) the ‘working when tired’ thing. Either way, you’ll eventually stop paralyzing yourself with expectations that have no place in a creative flow state.