Sometimes she was right, other times I was right. What was even more frustrating was that we were both correct at times. It is hard to stand alone as a kid when all you desire is to be just like everyone else. To share common interests, dress the same, or even have the same friends just like all the other girls. At some point, I want to explore the intersection of white supremacy, white femininity, and lack of identity; however, this essay is about the power of being excluded.

You see, when people intentionally leave you out of a conversation or activity, that sends a clear message. In a world of unknowns and mixed signals, being excluded is the best way to know how someone feels about you. Though I fought my mom on this growing up, as an adult, I am forever grateful for her refusing to let me become a follower. Someone who lacks personal integrity and grovels for attention. I hate last-minute invites; I get turned off by maybes and let’s see, and I strongly rebuke being seen as an afterthought.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand that sometimes things do happen at the last second. It is normal to have random occurrences, and people sometimes lack organization or may need more time to mull something over.

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I think that that is normal and to be expected from some folks who have a lot going on or are in places that may need more structure. HOWEVER, when you start to pay attention to how people treat you, you can notice the difference between intentional exclusion vs happenstance of circumstances.

Maybe people simply forgot to press send on a message, or possibly, over a couple of times, you can distinguish a pattern of behavior that is inconsiderate. These patterns can be even more apparent when you compare how you are being treated in comparison to other people. Folks can feign ignorance all they want, but behavior speaks volumes. Your words may be littered with excuses, but your behavior outlines clear preferences and intentionality.​

It is never fun to realize that you are being excluded. It fucking sucks. Especially when you realize that someone you cared about was excluding you on purpose or considered you not to be as big of a priority as you are to them. Or, when you recognize that you have been excluded from situations that do not make sense. There is nothing you can do to avoid this from happening, by the way. People make uncomfortable decisions every day that have nothing to do with you. You could have been the perfect friend, co-worker, employee, spouse, significant other, etc and you still can experience exclusion. As cliche as it sounds, in many ways we take our child selves with us into adulthood, which means that the elementary behavior, one would assume ceases with age, actually continues on regardless of status, new experiences, expectations, accolades, and even opportunities for personal growth/development.

Something I did to process being excluded as a kid was read. I LOVE reading and dreaming and creating my own world. In fact, in one class we had to write a secret on a notecard, and then the teacher read each card out loud (yes, this is a wild activity to think about as an adult). Anyways, most people’s secrets were pretty normal for a teenager. Feelings of angst, family secrets, professional dreams, etc. Mine was something to the effect of “I am often in my own world.” I have spoken about this in other essays; therefore, if you have been reading my posts (THANK YOU), this is not shocking. I love escaping into my own mind when the world seems too scary or tortuous to comprehend.

So, when I would accept that people were intentionally leaving me out for various reasons (racism [I grew up in predominantly white schools], random girl beef, or because I was uncool [I was a nerd and a “good kid”]), I would retreat into my mind and “dream a new dream (Sharkboy & Lavagirl).” Which is why I offer that same tactic to you as a solution when you are excluded. Simply dream a new dream and imagine a new situation. Yes, this solution could be seen as childish and unproductive, though I think having the freedom to imagine a new life/situation can be pretty liberating!

​I think it also shifts the focus from what is wrong with me to asking what life could be like. As I said, being excluded can have nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with someone else’s decisions. This is why diving into yourself can be helpful to ask more playfully: what do I actually want to happen? Sometimes vulnerability can be challenging. Especially when you grew up/had navigated traumatic situations. Dreaming can be a more accessible way to ask yourself deep questions and uncover what about the exclusion bothers you, or if it bothers you at all.

I know exclusion is a part of life and clearly, I am not the only person who has gone through this experience. However, because this is my page, I tend to be very ME-centered LOL. I appreciate my resurgence on Substack, as I have realized over the last couple of weeks that I have a lot to say. It is very therapeutic to have a place where I can share and speak to my inner world, and I do hope this offers a portal of connection for all who encounter my universe.

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🧿 From my heart with ease, peace, self, and abundance! 🧿

A few months ago, I wrote an essay ranting about how being a beginner sucks. Now, I am not wrong; being a beginner does suck. It is awkward. Confusing. Embarrassing. Lonely. And it can be scary because to be a beginner, you have to leave behind what you already know. Most of my life has consisted of me being the first to do things. First generation to college, first to live in a major city, first to decide enough is enough, and first to achieve a master’s degree. As a cycle breaker who often has to be my own security net, I get exhausted by being the first. Sometimes I want to lay down and get somebody else to do it. I dream about having a full year of relaxing by some beachy destination that has hidden mountain castles with a small cottage tucked away from the rest of the world. I told my co-worker that I would love having three days being unreachable by anyone. I started bookmarking TikToks about random nature sanctuaries rooted in healing and tranquility.

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Now, if you know me in real life and are reading this (HEY HEY ✨thank you for being here), please don’t freak out. Like most adultified Black girls, eventually I would return because as of right now, I still feel the need to be everything to all who need me.

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I am working on this.

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I truly thought I had gotten over this need to be a forever charged superhero, that will always be there to catch folks who fall. But, unfortunately, I struggle to let go. I struggle with disappointing folks, and I struggle to tell people to fuck off. I initially rejected being a beginner because to start something new means to release what is holding you back. I hold myself back. I wish that was not the case, but I do. Sometimes, I wish there was a duplicate of myself to hold my hand as I cry from the stress of life and who would tell me that everything will be okay. To just breathe and go to sleep because in the morning all will be well.

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That might be childish of me, but it is the truth. I desire to be told you will be fine and I will protect you from those who seek to take advantage of you. In reality, I am my own shield, and I know part of this desire comes from a fear of being seen as a bitch. A bitch is something I sometimes call myself lovingly because I know for a fact that women who are hard to control get labeled as such. Feminine folks who decide to put themselves first to self-actualize all too often become the villain. A witch. A whore. A mean girl, etc…

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I want to be nice because fuck being an asshole, but I am tired of not having enough fuel. When do I matter, and when will my dreams turn into everyday life? I have to make that happen. I spend every day saving everyone else, so why can’t I save myself?

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So here I am, knee-deep in Leo season, deciding to be a beginner! I am nervous because what if I make a mistake? What happens if I am very bad? Who will be there to save me if I fall?

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While I am exhausted, I am even more tired of cutting myself off. So, I am now a beginner even though it sucks.

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Listen to the disclaimer audio above ^ before for more context! :)

Sometimes remaining grateful will block your blessings!

@cosmocherrykisses*first- I cannot wait for my new braids!!! Second- it is deeply frustrating to be told. Just be grateful as a Black woman who brings so much to the table and knows that you deserve more. While I am grateful for everything that I have in my life, I know I want more. There is nothing wrong with seeking elevation and actively putting in the work to accomplish more and receive more. ##ambitionblackgirl##manifestation##abundance

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Since when is loving blue eye make up controversial? I know most millennials immediately think of their parents or the 80s, which may be why the look is considered unfavorably ——BUT I LOVE BLUE EYES!!! Blue mascara, blue eyeliner, blue shadow, blue brows, blue, blue, blue! I am particularly fond of a royal blue eye hue because it always reads as more regal to me. I have been rocking blue eye looks for several years now and the reactions I receive are so polarizing. Some instantly love the look while others are a bit more cautious. Regardless, I LOVE it! My go to makeup at the moment is blue or gold eyes, with bronzer gel, and a brown/red/pink lip. I should also say that I am NOT skilled at make up application! I don’t know why after years of watching beauty youtube, I never fully mastered a solid base routine 🤔. Anyways cheers to blue make lovers!!! ✨🍾🥂

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PS I know the girl in the bottom left is wearing blue glasses and not makeup but I loved the image so much so it stays! lol!

Astrology Links for Further Research

• Blood Sex Magic: Everyday Magic for the Modern Mystic

  Book by Bri Luna (Link here)

• Bri Luna Instagram (Link here)

• The Hood Witch Instagram (Link here)

• The Queen Po (Youtube channel linked here)

• The Queen Po Website (Link here)

• The Chani App (Link Here)

• Chani Apple Podcast (Link here) & Instagram (Link here)

• Time Passages app (Link here)

• Queen Elle (Expert Astrologer Link here) & email - queenelle79@gmail.com

• Chrissy Ford (Not an astrologer but speaks about astrology - link here)

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This is a section of a larger project titled Embody Fame ~ Mirror Desire. I study the cosmology of fame and iconography and have been thinking through ways to create an exploratory space that allows people create themselves.

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What if you could walk through a living Garden of acolytes and prophets whose embodied personas mirrored or shielded ideas of fame? Would you join them? Praise them? Worship their ego? Or refuse their connection? For this convening, I would transport a select following of “influenced” to participate in a curated universe organized by thoughtfully designed vignettes composed of models who, of their choosing, interpret ideas of Fame.

What I learned from my fall 2025 project is that there is a strong desire for folks to escape reality and become something larger than themselves. People are in dire need of a safe space where persona play is encouraged and imagination is defined solely by expansive creativity. While there are smaller spaces which support niche sexual exploration, such as events hosted by the Feeld company (a dating app open for the open-minded and couples seeking alternative relationships) or Crazy Horse Paris, which is a more well-known saloon focused on nude or burlesque performances, there are no Queer Black women-led spaces using the production of Fame to encourage liberatory nature persona play. I would like to continue working with my theory of masks, shields, and mirrors through the vehicle of Fame production, inviting folks to build their own cosmology that champions compelling storytelling and folklore. Embody Fame ~ Mirror Desire is a project crafted to invoke pleasure, honor Black identity and archival practices, and explore the actions necessary to inspire a dedicated following of influenced.

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Please note that my mind changes every 30 seconds (lol) and this thesis is a DRAFT!!! Everything written here is subject to change and I hope I do evolve some of these ideas. I am not perfect in my thoughts and I wish I had concrete answers to every idea I have in my mind, but that is not the case right now. I wanted to share my proposal because I am tire of feeling as though everything needs to be perfect to be valid! I am sick of having other people see my light and I struggle to see it for myself! I would love to get on here and continue writing so…please enjoy a section of my thesis as of spring 2026.

Introduction

Draft by Cosmina Cherry

What is fame? How do you know someone is famous, and what separates famous folks from non-famous individuals? Fame has always been a living lexicon of symbols combined with compelling narratives that transform the deeply personal into mythos. Developing fame is a historical practice of capturing renown in order to elevate oneself beyond the ordinary into an extraordinary legend. In our tech-fueled digital age, some have argued that fame will cease to exist, as everyone, thanks to smartphones and social media, can garner attention. Due to the pervasive addictive nature of social media algorithms, a lack of social cohesion stemming from increasing polarization, financial stagnation slowing upward mobility, and a bevy of other systemic constraints, the capacity to build attention has become a tool leveraged to fill social gaps and ease the tensions of everyday life. We are now living in an “attention economy” as defined by Nobel Laureate economist and psychologist Herbert A. Simon, in his 1971 paper “Designing Organizations for an Information-Rich World.” Simon argued that with an abundance of information, creates a “poverty of attention” the scarce resource of a digital world. With a 24/7 non-stop global news cycle and a litany of content at the fingertips of any basic smartphone user, the concept of fame has been reduced to a supposed benign condition. Easy to accomplish. Unworthy of attention or critical thought. A moralized failure halting intellectual production. These sentiments are, of course, not universal, though they indicate a potential cultural shift towards the famous or ideas surrounding how to build fame in 2026.

I am curious to learn more about why we know what fame is, how we define it, and what separates the fame of our modern age from the renown of the past. I would like to build a framework for fame production because while I believe it is not a new phenomenon, the introduction of cyberspace has simultaneously shifted and reinforced tenets of renown. I am not rebuking negative ideas regarding fame; however, I will argue that it is almost impossible to get rid of. Fame is intrinsically tied to human experience. Everybody has a relationship with fame, whether they approve of it or not. Fame exists at the large scale and within small niche communities. Social media, or specifically social media influencers, have not ruined fame because their connection to celebrity exists within the same ecosystem that produced renown of the past and will continue to shape the future of fame.

Fame is living. It constantly shifts across communities, societies, and institutions, adopting various temporalities. It is the act of understanding oneself through the lens of systems of oppression, the rejection of limiting beliefs, the projection of the personal into a larger narrative, and the practice of radical imagination. Fame is messy, deeply organized, and forever ongoing. Fame has existed before the invention of social media and continues to evolve. Social media is examined within my framework to understand how and why patterns of fame production persist. I wonder how fame acts as a commodity that can be traded, built, or lowered in value depending on its production? If renown is more accessible than ever due to social media, then we should consider why every social media influencer, even those who occupy similar backgrounds/niches, is not at the same level of notoriety? Do material systems which shape our perception of ourselves and the world around us persist into fame production online? If fame is causing more harm than good, then why does it continue to captivate audiences? If fame is solely driven by social media algorithms, why do famous figures from the past, such as Alexander the Great, Jesus, Yemoja, and even Marilyn Monroe, continue to dominate public sentiment on topics like sexuality, religion, glamor, gender equity, and power etc?

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Ongoing Framework

Fame is an embodied ritualistic interperformance of the self or a curated persona through idealized archetypes communicated through conceptualized behavior, aesthetics, ideologies, and intentional semiotics. Assistant Professor of Gender & Sexuality Studies and Writing at Davidson College, Katie Horowitz defines interperformance in Drag, Interperformance, and the Trouble with Queerness, as a framework for identity formation built on relations that are always in flux, produced anew through intra-activity within bodies, spaces, language, and ideas. While her interdisciplinary ethnographic study of Drag Queens and Kings in Cleveland, Ohio, centered on conceptualizing a tool which would close the “perennial rift” within the lesbian, gay, and queer community in order to build coalitions and challenge assumed political or cultural commonalities, interperformance can also be applied to the process of fame building. Though fame building draws on historic notions of renown and charisma, it relies on a continuous flux between “performance,” or the theatrical, staged act, and “performativity,” or the ongoing doing of identity articulated through the conceptualized body. Can someone transform their body into a symbol of fame and power? Renown necessitates the body becoming a living, temporal (here/now) and ephemeral (experience of the moment) medium for targeted messages. Once famous, the body transforms into a conceptualized mantle for art and expression. Unlike the everyday person, the famous body is expected to navigate an ongoing contestation for agency. Though some may argue that bodily autonomy always resides within an individual’s rights, I argue that personal beliefs about a famous folks bodies agency is part of the interperformance of Fame.

The flux of fame is simultaneously understood and contested within the framework of Analytical Psychology, founded by Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Carl Jung. Specifically, Analytical Psychology’s theory of individuation, which is a lifelong process of uniting the conscious and unconscious mind by shedding one’s “false mask” or persona/repressed traits in order to achieve self-actualization. The persona is largely shaped by the outer world and interpretations of how individuals would like to be perceived by their peers, “according to each developmental phase, [one’s] gender identity, [and] social status…” (International Association for Analytical Psychology). Fame building is the act of crafting a persona subject to interperformance. To garner fame, an individual must embrace a mask rather than shed it. The mask is the conceptualized body performing archetypes for the audience to decipher, reject, or admire. The success of renown can be attributed to its ability to tap into a collective human experience, providing space for audience projection. Through the famous body, an individual can take on the mantle of fame as a tool for understanding themselves and the world around them. Fame serves as a vehicle for the deep-rooted collective unconscious and cannot be extracted from the human psyche.

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Unedited Podcast Transcript -

Okay, so I want to talk about one of my previous essays that I’ve written on Substack, and I kind of want to incorporate doing this a lot more often because I think that I’m the type of person where over time I will develop new thoughts, new ideas off of previous, you know, stances that I had. And I feel as though on the Internet, um well, you know, Wendy Williams, I miss her so much being on TV, but um I used to watch her show all the time. She said that, you know, I’m a woman and I’m allowed to change my opinion. And she’s stuck that because on her show, she at moments would have shifting opinions and so people would be like, why, you will you say it on January 5 of d da d next year that you said this about this person and so eventually she had to say, you know what, I’m a woman and I’m allowed to change my opinion. And so therefore, yes, on this previous day, I had this opinion, however, now this is what I think we’re going to move on. And so I feel as though I want my substack to kind of exist as an ever, not an ever changing stance because there are some things that I hold dear, but I want it to be more of a open conversation that I’m having basically with myself, which sounds very weird, but I think my previously my approach must be definitive and very much like this is it. This is the flash straw, etc. And I feel as though I thought that because a lot of the content that I engage with and consume online is different video essayists and people who have very clear defined opinions, which is great. However, I think that with this, I wanted to be a living journal and I kind of have fallen away slash try to recapture that, but also like not really done the best at honoring what was the like initial initial, like before I even like started a substack. This is what cosmetric kisses, um SR Cosmo, um unconventional voice notes, like an unconventional voice notes, if you don’t know, that was a podcast that I had very, very briefly, like way back when. and I wanted this interaction online to kind of serve as a living diary and I’ve fallen away from that path because I’ve seen what other people have done and as opposed to just kind of like following what makes sense for me. I’ve tried to like recreate other people’s wheels, which is great. Like I really like those wheels, but for me I want to do something that feels more I’ll think it who I am. So with that being said, a part of me wants to re read the essay for you because I it is okay, so I shouldn’t even I should name the essay that I’m talking about. So this essay is called, so the book girls are all pale, small, submissive, and weak the cc k volume five, which I’m also going to be moving away from titling things to CCK because I personally think it looks people can misconstrue the name of it, and so I have been like avoiding it, but in the back of my mind it’s been something that has bothered me, and so I’m going to start to switch to something else. um and just maybe call it the Cosmo instead, uh or just something like that maybe certain it to like cosmmo kisses, just to kind of separate any possible mis, you know, understandings of the name. But this is one of my favorite essays, and it’s one of my favorites, but also one of my least favorites, and the reason why it was one of my least favorites is because of the bottom half of the essay, whereas the top half is literally like I mean, it makes me so happy and I’ll just go ahead and read like the maybe the beginning paragraph, and then you can read the rest of you so choose. but it starts with this. picture this. You have fried bangs that swoop swift stiffly across one side of your overly stripped acne dotted face. The rest of your hair is not full ironed and tossed into a puffy messy bun. you adjust your massive fauper earrings to ensure they are securely in place, look down and disdain at your stupid box converse because they don’t reach your knees. quickly before anyone notices you trying to unquote look skinny, you adjust your top, which is oddly loose yet tight at the same time. graphic tea that you begged your mom for from hot topic with a Japanese anime theme you hope someone thinks it is coolio. to day you wanted an edge to take your look, but your bedazzled and hardy tea would be a taste too much, and to finish your last unfortunate body check, you slightly wig you slightly wiggling in place while gripping the hop of your skinny jeans, which were not passed out to day shocking after you are sure you look just like the other girls you decide you are ready as ever to start a new censorial journey. at the school media center. Now, this is one very, very long run on sentence. I mean it’s one of my favorite essays, but is I look back on my previous book and I’m like, okay, a period could have been place here. Like, you don’t need to exist in commas all the time. But I attempted to kind of put you in the mindset of I was back then, and I was that person who was overly stripping their face, um like really, really wanting the proactive uh and then the Clair sonic, like there was a proactive three in one line, um and then there was the Claic brush. De Grassi was popular. I had I would fly iron my banks to shit and then I would leave rest of my hair puffine. I also didn’t take care of my hair as much as I do now. I had overly shook my face. There was so much body checking. I was wearing like pastel skinny jeans with ballet flats. I mean, it was very much 2010s core to 18 and I end this paragraph was talking about the media center because that the library and museums have always been my favorite place to be. I love them. I think they’re cool, I think they’re industrying. I think you can get lost in so many stories in these locations. And so the school media insurer slashlibraries have always been kind of a safe haven for me. not so much in like college because but definitely through K throughel, like they were justicy Hagins. And so this I did not mean for this voice to be so long, but here we go. so this essay talks about the sort of anticipation of a new book, but also the immediate disappointment that happens that I get into spoiler alert, I get into towards the end of what it means to not see yourself in book characters. And I wanted to I attempted to tread lightly through this topic because for one thing, um and I’ll get into it later, but like there just wasn’t enough. And I understand that authors write from a point of view that they have, like clearly all of my book characters are going to be based off either experiences that I know of, maybe a mixture of my own personalude experiences, maybe desires of mind, whatever. Like it’s always an amalgamation of all those things. And so I understand to some extent that authors, you know you write with you know, and so therefore, in between the tends, when there was such a lack of diversity with authors of color, authors who are disabled, who were queer, like there was just so much lack there to wear people were they weren’t I don’t want to give people a pass. It’s like you write what you know. And so if you don’t have those experiences and you’ve never had to consider those experiences and you are not going to be held accountable for not including them, why would you do it? And so this is also around the same time as like dystopian books for super popular, which I always found to be really interesting as a black girl living in a not dystopian world, but like the things of the characters who existed in these, you know, franchises, like the things that they would go through were partially based off of the little experiences of black and brown people who were around me. And so it was always like a very weird mind fuck to like see your or like bits of who you are and what your lived experiences would be like, sort of taken exasperated and thenintered into a completely white, frail, weak, and pale body, who has no relation to you and probably in your reality would never have, you know, lived under those circumstances to begin with, right? And so I talk about towards the end, sort of the frustration with seeing a character getting really into her, but noticing like the subtle tropes and those would be like, she’s beautiful without even trying, think of like one direction, you don’t know you’re beautiful. I don’t know if that’s an exact song title, but like, just look Google that song and it’s literally like all of the book tropes there. This girl would usually have like shoulder length hair, um, which now that I’ve gotten older, I do understand the appeal, but when I was young, I was like, why would you like either have it one inch shorter or one inch longer? I don’t understand. But she would always have like shoulder length hair, never wear makeup, but somehow look like a supermodel. She would always be like super plain looking, but somehow the main guy character would always think she was the most exquisite creature in the whole entire universe. And then on top of, like her somehow being the most amazing, exquisite, beautiful creature, she would be like incredibly pale, like, um and skinny at the same time. So you know, in twilight, how um the collins almost like reflect diamond, like their skins look like their skin looks like they it’s made out of diamonds. um and that’s almost like what these characters would be like. Their skin would reflect the light because it would be that devoid of any color. I remember reading a book like two or years ago. because obviously books have shifted, authors have, you know, come into pictures. So like there’s been a diverse amount of books I’ve read over the past couple of years, which is great. But I was reading one book and the main girl character was always tan in my mind, like it just made sense for her coloring and made sense for like everything about her. and not like black, but just like a white woman who would be tan or of an olive complexion. And one of the Mingai characters called her skin as white as milk, and I wanted to throw up because first of all, I’m lactive sensitive. I’m probably lactose intolerant, but like, I have never gotten an official diagnosis, so at this point, we just say lactosensitive. So like automatically red flag, like people who drink whole milk who are not under the age of like maybe five red flag. um and that was already like gross. And then on top of that, if you are a white woman, why would you ever want someone to call your skin as white as milk? Like that is not only like unattractive to me, but it also is just like a weird statement to make. Like it reminds me of serial oh my God, I can’t speak. It reminds me of serial killer movies where the um main villain has a it’s big of a get out and the girl, the girlfriend is I think she was like eating cereal with a fork or something like that. Like it just weird. It just it put all these really unattractive connotations in my mind, but that’s normal. It’s like that like think of that attitude, but then like amplify it by like a thousand and that’s kind of what the girls look like back then. And something that I haven’t really touched on is being thin, and I understand the European ideal issuesus and as possible. I mean, we are in a rise of Ozzympic and GLP ones and Wagovi, um people are now as thin as ever. We saw the rise of the of the public’s understanding and awareness of the buckle fat removal procedure, which you don’t know, it’s not called bugle. It is buckle. And it’s basically where people, doctors will go in. It’s kind of a permanent surgery. And mind you, I’m not a doctor at all, so please go do your research on this, but it’s like they think of like touch your face, touch your cheeks or touch like where your cheeks would be by the side of your mouth. They go in kind of in that area and they take away excessive well, it’s from my understanding, the procedure was developed for people with a lot of chinned fat. And so nutchin fat cheek fat, what they would do is go in to kind of remove some of that to slim down your face a little bit. And so typically ideal candidates are people who have like a really pronounced cheek, facial face cheek area. But of course, you can be amongst yourself whether or not that. That’s even necessary, but the procedure has shifted to give people who don’t really need that procedure, a more severe, high-fashion, uh elegant, quote unquote look. On top of the rise of these procedures, um we’ve also seen, you know, clothing companies come out like American eagle and say, you know, my genes, genes are passed down. am I horrible sini impersonation, right? Like there’s there’s a lot happening. and so I could imagine that maybe some of these tropes are creeping back up into the public zegeist. I think on bookalk and within like the reading reader community, there’s been a like heavy wave of support of diverse offhors. However, I can imagine that if you, I don’t know, in certain pockets like that doesn’t exist, right? Anyways. so the girl was always so thin and I think of a fourth wing as an example of this, even though violet does get gain more mug mus Oh my gosh, my sometimes my mind moves twice as fast as my mouth, and so my when my brain is on the next five different thoughts, my mouth is still trying to formulate around the first one. So even though violet over the course of the first book does gain more muscle as she like continues at the college, she still starts off as like incredibly pale and incredibly frail and weak main character. and I want to I want to like caveat this by saying, I’m not opposed to their being diversity of stories, right? So I’m not saying that we should ban books and stories that centerure a smaller, weaker, frailer, thinner, bodied woman, right? Like that is fine. That’s okay. My issue is when all of the stories only exist with that body profile and there is a active rejection of anything that is different than that. Like that’s where my problem comes into play. But even with reading the and I understand why Violet’s way, she is like her sister is very different from her. Her brother was very different. And so therefore, by having her as that, um then, you know, with her body prot profile excuse me, then it’s like an, you know, a emphasis of that difference. There’s even like maybe a hint at like her body being a sort of counterbalance because like if she were to exist in a different frame with different abilities, then, you know, maybe it would be like overpowered and I’m not sure if I likeapp that correctly, but like I’m pretty sure her dragon, whose name I do not want to butcher because there is a correct way to pronounce that I saw mine, but it was a while ago since I read the book. um like he like kind of alludes to that. I think. So I understand the decisions that were made, but even like reading that I was like, why? Like, I don’t understand. And I think it’s I don’t know if this idea will ever go away. I’m pretty sure it’s embedded in white womanhood to be as small as possible. And, you know, the European in beauty is often linked to like trying to look like children and there is um several books on this. Maybe if I like remember, I’ll link them, um or at least one of them that I read, and I’m sure there’s other stories that talk about this or whatever. But it’s like very frustrating because I don’t understand why because the reason why I was frustrating for me growing up and even now as an adult is because a lot of um I don’t know if it’s positive attributes to these characters, but like these characters almost get presented as these are the golden people and they are allowed to feel vulnerability. They are allowed to cry. They are allowed to be innocent. They are allowed to be any sort of like desirable trait, whereas people who do not hold those attributes are seen as the villain or mean or undesirable. Like even in fourthweighing one of the girls who’s kind of like in Violet’s mind, like her rival, and like in also in like in dialogue, whatever, but like there’s an immediate, oh, the guy that I like is into her, whatever, and she’s athletic. And so I just like kind of hated that because it’s like, why did she have to be an athletic and accomplished, um like competent? And I understand like why she has this attributes and like how those could be good, but it’s just like frustrating to read when I have all of the previous histories of like characters who have held those shris. I also know that these two women are being pitted against each other as, oh, we want to root for violet and then we don’t want to root for the other girl. Like I feel like we’re just further reinforcing the idea that like we should root for people who are small, frail, pale, and quote unquote weak, like those are the people who are the heroes and people who do not hold those attributes are the villain. And that’s what I like have an issue with. There’s also some other like annoying things about fourth wing that like bother me, but like that’s kind of like my main gripe with the book series. Anyways, I digress. So I wanted to move forward and sort of talk about why I think this esse kind of failed. And I think that it failed for me because I don’t know where I really land on some of the things I brought up in the essay that were well, that now with the do eyes, I go back and I question. So just like the first section maybe I’ll read like a bit of the second section and then we can continue on. So it’s called exploring the issue. Why was this characterization of young white girls and books ever the standard? As an adult looking back, I can argue that a mixture of white sup white feminism, white supremacy phobia and racism all was to blame yet I still want to build some one for my therapy because of it. This might sound extreme, but the media plays a significant role in shaping how we see ourselves, our peers and the world around us. If you grow up, never seen yourself as were the love, friendship, adventure, etc. that could cause many people to feel like they do not belong. They may also feel unwanted or invisible unless in others. so many people fight for divers C shows and movie castings because they understand an image’s power. consider your favorite character growing up and ask yourself if they look like you, and any character or piece of media ever have a person to whom you could relate to, if the answer to those questions is no or kind of, that’s a massive problem. I understand this issue is not entirely the al fall as publishing houses control which authors get elevated and platformed in aurdom. However, authors, especially those writing for young fans have a responsibility to their audiences. They are responsible for both the world and the characters they create along the messaging they are communicating. And I still stand by a lot of those principles. I stand by the fact that while it’s not entirely the author’s wall, and again I talk I go back to what I said earlier, which is like most people write what they know, so therefore, like, I’m sure when girl, I never read the name of the author of the fourth Wayne, you know what? Anyways, I’m sure. And I’m just using her as an example because that’s just like what came to my mind. There’s plenty of people who do stuff like this, right? And you know, hold on, Rebecca Yaros’s, um, which was not the name. I was far, far off of what I was going to think that that was her name. So I’m sure Rebecca, like wrote what she knows, and I’m sure her publishing house or someone was like, hey, like, let’s add in this character who is black um and is bisexual, right? Like, I’m sureiannon was added in me, maybe because of Rebecca, um also due to publishing house. Like, I’m sure there were conversations about what these characters represent, et cetera, et cetera, right. So I understand that authors write from a perspective what they know, but I also can see publishing houses and editors coming in and saying, hey, for the demographic of the books in your genre over the last five years, like, these are the people who read them. This is the audience that you want to capture. Also, online discourse is leading towards this, so let’s do this with this, you know. I I’m pretty certain that that happens and that’s a process. So it’s not just one person. It’s sort of a system of things. And then there’s also the fans. So um there’s another book that I read and uh the author intentionally chose to make the character not colorblind, but they essentially presented a series of facts that can make me, a black woman, see myself in the main character. Now, here is where things get tricky because on the one hand, while I can appreciate authors trying to do this, you know, this inclusive way of characterizing their characters. As a black woman, there are going to be some things I get mentioned that I know that black people either don’t do, or like most black women like do not do, or have not experienced. And that something that all black women are alike, we are not, we are not a model if we I like to think that we have lives that rhyme, and so they’re not the exact same story, but they have a lot of overlapping patterns to them, especially coming from a black American perspective with other black Americans, or even black people who exist in America and live in America. So we don’t have the exact same experiences, but we’re definitely going to have maybe some overlapping due to the fact that we all live in the same society with sometimes similarities across different state lines, different geographic regions, et cetera, et cetera. So, um with that being said, I do appreciate authors attempting at this diversity, even if the mark isn’t always entirely done, you know, in a way that like I would understand, because that’s kind of like they’re never going to do it like I do a period period. But like, in all serious, uh, I’m not going to expect a white woman to be able to fully capture the loved experiences of a black woman because why would she? What I am going to expect is at least a little bit of a lot a bit of editing and intentionality and crafting characters so that you are trying to be inclusive and that you are meeting with your editors so that you can hopefully present a story that doesn’t trigger or harm people in ways that, you know, could have been avoided. So there. um But anyway, so she like had this character and based off of the way she was described, she could run white. And here’s where another part comes into play is the audience and who the audience perceives to be a person that is worthy of being a main character, because, even though the characteristics and the author herself said, hey, this person could not be white, and in fact, I actually did XY and Z because I wanted to be not inclusive, but also like yes, these are all corrected so your interpretation of her is correct. Your interpretation of her is correct, like basically like choose your own aventure. I also have and I don’t know how fair this point is because again, people write and they draw what they know, but it’s also it’s like annoying to see audiences, to fan art and discussions, like a firm whiteness, even though there is openness for the character to not be that. Like that’s also frustrating to watch, and it’s also frustrating to have the author like inadvertently affirm that through like engaging with the white character art and then like not engaging with character or art that is, of, you know, a different complexion and, you know, et cetera, right. Because it’s like if the character can be diverse, then why not I don’t know. It’s just like these are just unfinished thoughts, but you I hope I hope I’m like making sense and sort of talking about this, because again, I do get the people right and they do what they know, like for my own art, I always draw things because that’s what I know and that’s what I’m gravitated towards. And so I don’t know how fair it is to criticize someone who, you know, it feels comfortable drawing a certain style or, you know, that. But then it’s also like as a fan and as someone who wants to get into the characters in the world, if I am presented an option of diversity and then option is like never affirmed or it’s never mentioned and it’s like, okay, is a diversity in the even in the room with us. And that’s not solely rested on the fans, right? Like, you know, publishing houses. Can they do the art? The author chooses the art as well. Like, you know, there’s a whole bunch of there’s a there’s a system at play, so it’s not just like one entity, but it’s just I’m I guess I’m just frustrated with like the system. Okay. Anyways, so hopefully I sort of encapsulated what I wanted to um, yeah, so let’s kind of move on to some of the other points that I get a little ion. um I’m solid on where I stand before her about like this system and it’s not just one person, etcera, etc., by diversity does matter and intentionality with that diversity does matter, but moving on to things that look, I’m like not ify, but let me just talk about sort of why, um yeah, so let me just talk about like the books I read when I was younger, and then hopefully that like can make sense. Um Also, this did not need to be 28 minutes long, but here we are. Now someone quickly mention the essay that inspired this, and I do cite this in the essay, but another, um in this section that’s titled inspiration, I say another essay on Saberena Carpenter written by Jade Hurley, ak. Jadeax, titledour faith is said setting a pedophilic fantasy and swire this essay. I still recommend Jade’s work. that essay did inspire this because I had never consideredrina a carpenter as selling a pentophilic fantasy, and there is some in Jade mentions that in the essay about how, you know, there is a line to walk between Sabrina like looking, like she’s Sabrina just looks like she does. You know, she didn’t choose to be a short person. She didn’t choose to be more petite. She didn’t choose that. However, there is the counterpoint to, you know, you didn’t choose that, However, the image that is presented with the big curly hair, the nighties, and the sort of like baby doll dresses, not sort of the baby doll dresses, like that to combined with a massive record label backing you, then presents the, you know, the gray area of, okay, you may not have chosen this, but you are not you are could like potentially be feeding into this, right? So shadow Jade recommend following Jade subsac, etc. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Let’s go on to um the books I read growing up. So I like, when I was younger, a lot of things where I say I grew up in authoritative household, which kind of loosened as I gone as I got older, right? So a lot of things were monitored. However, from my understanding, and maybe not, maybe my mom was like plugged into the books. I was reading, who knows, but but they were never taken away from me. So while I like couldn’t go on Tumbler without her finding out or other places, what I could do is go on what pad. I could have access to the library, especially specifically the high school library section, and that was granted by my media interpecialist who really wanted to like make sure that my parents wanted I was reading, but like didn’t do like the extra step of like I mean I think he like made my mom sign a form once and then I convinced her that, like all my friends were reading this book and um like it’s just like a girly pop romance book, et cetera, etc. And so she let me read it, read it, right? And I think what once that, um hold on, let me adjust my chair. I have a very loud word chair and I just like Nita adjusted that moments because it’s not like the best quality. I heard it offamp Amazon. Anyway, so she like had to fill out a form once and then after that it was kind of like a green light to read the high school books and the high school books. I mean they were high school level. And so even some of the high school books had adult books in them, which not a lot, but like a few, because when you’re in high school, like if you are cool with your librarian, then like maybe they’ll get you into like the general library system or whatever. um and this was before Liddy came out, which if you don’t know or overdrive, um and if you don’t know overdrive is Libby and Libby is basically an av that you can attack your library card to and then gain access to. It’s like audible, but like through a library as opposed to through Amazon, which I highly recommend downloading Libby. Like if you do not have Libby already, I mean, what are you doing? Not only do they have audiobooks. They also have like regular books. You just have to like deal with the fact that your book will be returned in 30 days or however we’re long, but you can always if a book isn’t that popular, you can keep it for longer So anyways, um so I was reading all of these books in middle school. Like I had no one business reading books with adult themes, books with girl characters doing whatever, you know, no parental supervision. Like, you know on gossip Pearl or on any CW teen drama, there’s always a critique of where are the parents? Like where are the parents? That was me with the books I was reading, like where are the parents? And to be fair, I wasn’t reading anything like like that would be horrifying to me as an adult, but there are books I read that I was like I didn’t need to know what this term was at age 15, right? or 14. I didn’t need to know what I this was at like 12 years old. I could have, you know, continued on reading magicry. Okay, the maintenance guy just came. Yes, amazing. We love him. Also, like people don’t need to be rude. He was not rude, but like someone was rude to him and that makes me irritated because like why are you being rude to him? It is um yes, look, I didn’t need to read all these books, but I was, and here is the thing because I feel like we live an age where dark romance and kids I mean it gets obliterated online, but girlies hate dark romance. They are like full on, picket sign against these books, and to their credit there are viable points, right? Like there are a lot of darker themes in adult romance, dark romance books that do not get either blood properly thrush thrrushed goodness. Don’t get popped properly um attended to. You know, not every author writes at the same level, and so there are books that are better than others. It’s just a fact. no shade. I’m not there are countlesss of millions of other subsects, but other mine, like we don’t like not trying to be shady here. But like to be honest, like there are different levels of these books. And that’s that’s not to say that like the books that are written at like a higher level, quote unquote, don’t contain a lot of these themes or don’t mug mess up in the way that they ear not mess up, don’t handle them with complete totality, I guess, so to speak. um but like, there are valid points about how exposed should people be who are impressionable to a lot of these darker themes, right? Like think of someone who’s 12 watching euphoria, like should that happen probably not. And I don’t want to put all of this on the author because I mean, none of the authors who I was reading, I wish I kept a diary of all the books I had or was interested in when I was younger, but I couldn’t keep a diary because I knew my mom was going to read it. And so I never did. But if I had, and I was able to like talk about the book characters and, you know, it would just be amazing to look back on all of that, like, especially like the fresh thoughts I had. But anyways, um, so I I don’t think it’s the author’s fault that the people who are younger are interested into their in their books, especially because of social media and the also when you walk into Barnes and Nobleszer, there will be whole entire sections dedicated to book talk. Even in smaller local libraries, there will have whole entire sections that are completely like decked out with um, you know, like advertising of these books that get popular online. And typically the books that get popular on booktalk or social media are the ones who are either more salacious or like have something that’s really jarring that everyone has to read. So there’s a new book called Almies. I have not read it, but apparently it is like a book about here, let me just look up the exact summary. Okay, so alchemize is a dark fantasy, did debut novel. It was published in 2025 um and I don’t want to mess up the author’s name, so I’ll just spell it out, but it is s n as in Nancy, gosh, the work brain is overdrive, LIN UYU. um and basically, from what I believe it is a book that it was inspired by the Harry Potter universe, which we can get into AO3. I like surprisingly never got into AO3. I don’t know how the fuck I like miss that way because that is like literally right up my alley. I don’t know. I I mean, the girlies and you have AO three recommendations, let me know because I would love to read them. I think it’ AO3. I don’t know. It’s I don’t think it’s an half. Hold on. Hey, I just shagged. They do not have an app. Also, the where’s my phone? Hold on. The maintenance guy came back again, very, very nice, very annoyed that someone was mean to him, cause it’s like, why are you being an asshole for no fucking reason anyways. um yeah, A3 doesn’t have an app. And so I think also another reason why I never got into it is because like my searchchesry, like it was very much a like, what are you doing type of household? So I just want to like talk about because of my experiences reading all this stuff growing up and also recognizing that I probably shouldn’t have, however, I did, and here we are now. I understand why teens and impressional people would be interested in these types of topics. I also think we live in a very overly sexualized, but also like desexualized society. And so therefore, there is like sex everywhere. Like when you think about the types of ads that you see, like how often do you see an ad that is suggestive of some sort of intimacy? But then when you consider your life, how many outlets do you have to actually talk about intimacy in a way that is not only educational, but not rooted in shame, or any sort of religious guilt, like hardly any. And so I can see why there’s also this rush towards these such of topics for people who are younger because there’s not a lot of outlets. And if you weren’t taught to have open and, you know, ongoing conversations about this growing up, then how are you going to approach those topics with your your kid? Like it’s going to be really difficult to do, not impossible, but difficult, maybe challenging, challenging, not only for yourself because there’s a um, you know, a process of getting more comfortable with things that you may have never thought you could approach within your own body. But then there’s the additional layer of recognizing that you have to be open to your kids asking questions that you may have never been able to answer because you couldn’t think about them for yourself, or you were told that thinking like that was shameful and wrong, etc. So I waffle between the two because while I think that there are a lot of legitimate conversations around the purpose and not the purpose, but like the intent versus impact of these stories. and not only with young people with like women in general, right? Like, I don’t think you need I don’t think sexual liberation equates to being immediately in obedSM style relationship. but I do think that liberation and freedom and sensuality can exist in those types of dynamics for consenting adults with healthy dynamics. But yeah, yeah, like I I think that there’s there’s a lot of like, you know, in in between here. And so there’s a lot of like not both sides, but yeah, like in a way, like this is one of the few situations and circumstances where I could see legitimately like why there are both sides with valid points, but also with counters to either argument. I also think that there is a lot of problematic tropes that get pushed to reader younger readers, specifically I’m thinking of the inappropriate age job relationships that always get, you know, somehow thrown into these stories, right? Like there’s always the thousand year-old vampire who falls in love with an 18 year old college. College, 18 year-old high school student, and it’s like, how did you two even meet? And also like, what do you talk about? And I say that someone who’s in her mid- twenties now because well, I don’t think that I think that people could approach me who are younger, like, maybe one or two years younger and I would be like, huh, okay. But even then I’m like, okay, we’re reaching a point. I’m reaching a point in my age where it’s like, what, like, what do we have to discuss what’s there? And that’s not to say that there are not relationships where, you know, people are like a couple of years apart, but I do think that the older people are in the age gap. Like, I think it makes the situation a bit more I don’t know the word I’m looking for. Like, like for instance, I’m knocking about an eyelash of a 30 year old is eating a four year old, but I am going to like wonder like what a 30 year old and a 20 year old, like, what are you two talk like what how like that’s in a very that’s a that’s a different development age, you know? I think that’s what I’m trying to communicate here. But I also like remember being a high school student and a middle school student who was like very intrigued, very enthralled by these types of stories because it’s like, oh my God, like what if I don’t know. Like when you’re younger, you’re like, what if like I met someone and he was a vampire and he was a like, you know, you do always sort of thought processes in your head because you’re young and you’re also like really swept up in the fantasy and the passion of love and the idea of a very particular type of romance. So, yeah, like I think that’s why I think I went back and forth through this essay um and why I’m kind of like waffling a bit on it because I understand like where I was. I still have like fresh feelings. Somehow I’ve like maintained them around what reading and these roles meant to me, but I also as an adult have the understanding and the context of I don’t want a young person to read a book where a 25 year old is approaching and trying to date a 17 year old because they’re trying to save the world. And therefore because of that, that 17 year old meets a person who is 25 in real life and thinks because of that book, it’s okay or that everything about that relationship is normal. You know, like I I don’t want people to leave books with a um not unsafe, but like, yeah, like unsafe idea about the realities of the world in which we live in, you know, like in reality when someone is like in reality, Christian gray is a walking red flag and a disaster. Like he is someone who would be shared around on social media as a beware of this man, but in a book, I also can understand that the reason why this type of man gets popular is because he’s in a book, and therefore he’s not in real life, and therefore people who are reading these books are not trying to wish, especially adults, adults who are reading this book are not trying to wish that unto themselves, right? adults who read twilight are not trying to manifest a stalker into their life. They trying to enjoy a fantasy in a very contained safe way, where no physical harm can actually come to them. I do think that that thought process is legitimate. And, you know, from reading a bit of the book want by Jillian Anderson, I believe that a lot of people across the world hold a lot of fantasies that if they were to speak them out loud, it would, including myself, offer myself in there, including myself, like a lot of people, including me, have fantasies that if we were to tell like a friend or a family, that people would be like, well, especially as someone who touts, you know, not touts, but like exists in like liberal leftist, progressive circles, right? I think that pressure gets even more on you to have the correct idea about romance. And the um, I feel like behind closed doors, the things are a lot more messy. um And I could say that probably for, you know, um, I’m sure that exists in some ways with conservative women, um and them having a repression about their fantasies as well and a very, maybe similar, but also different way. So, you know, I think that I I don’t know. And then I think as a younger person, right, like when I was reading these books, just like as an adult, like I’m not I wasn’t trying to put myself in a precarious or dangerous situation by reading a fantasy novel about a demi god, having sex with a random librarian. Right? Like I wasn’t trying to do or be in any sort of a harmful situation or sensitive a situation for me. It was more so like, oh, well, like this is a type of romance. Wow, this is a very intriguing way of not existing, but like, what if? Like what you know, like I was just curious. And I was also just like really caught up in the romance and the passion of it all. And I wasn’t trying to as I keep saying, like I wasn’t trying to do anything that was inappropriate. It’s what I want to say. But, you know, with my adob brain, I’m like, well, let’s talk about these things. And maybe a part of the waffle is the fact that, again, as I said earlier, there isn’t enough to say spaces for people to talk about these things. and sometimes even the safe spaces that do exist are paywalled and they’re cut off from people. So and then there are also is other thing of like peopleable people need to make money. So, I know, it’s it’s very like an onion. Like there’s a lot of layers, there’s a lot of thoughts, there’s a lot of fields. um and I reside somewhere in the great area and I think there’s com I was maybe uncomfortable because I don’t know how much there is a space to be in a gray area, especially on a topic like this, but also other topics when you’re writing a subsack. um and then there was a section of the essay that I removed and that section was talking about the 2010s and sort of the cultural climate. And I think looking back on it, I really should like do diary entries for every essay so that I can look back and listen to my thoughts, for why I wrote what I did, but the reason why I included at least I think the reason why I included a 2010s sort of a recap in a very terrible way, I must say. Not terrible because it was terribly written, but just terribly because it’s like, girl, what do you, you know, you could have just like LinkedIn essay. You could have just LedIn article that like hit the highlights from journalists who did this research. um yeah, so I just I feel as though I incorporated that because I wanted to talk about how these things don’t exist in a vacuum. And in one of my classes lastmes, we talked about fame and the cosmology of power and the renown. And I, as someone who’s like deeply, deeply invested and interested in this type of of topic, um what is interesting to me and like interesting in like the legitimate sense of like, this is an interesting thing is the fact that these things don’t exist in a vacuum, right? So it makes, as I just said about fourth wing, it makes complete sense that Violet has a best friend,annon, who is black. Like, that makes sense because this book was released in the 2020s. If this book was released maybe in the 2010s, I don’t know what we would have seen for that friendship dynamic. Like, um, oh my gosh, me being hungry and my stomach is growling. But I will be having an amazing sandwich after this, so super looking forward to that in chips, puree and cookies, because I deserve, all right. um But, you know, like the books would be different because of the era that they were in and the 2010s, who was really checking for like DEI was a thing, but it was like painting momentum and becoming a thing, which is great that it got there. It’s bad that it like the people who didn’t have it didn’t have it. So I believe I included that as a way to like do that work and I wrote this essay before going to grad school. So like that’s very interesting that I was already trying to do this work of my classes. um and I say that because I really believe there’s like a lot of alignment with what I’m studying and what I’m naturally gravitated towards. So whenever I go back and I look at my thought process, I’m always like amazed at how I was trying to do this, but like didn’t have a name for it at the time. So yeah, like I feel as though talking about why the culture existed as the way it did was important to mention because it completes the picture, right? Like if I just told you that every book character that I read was skinny, pale and somehow devastatingly gorgeous but also like very plain looking. You would be like, oh, I wonder why, you know, and when I provide the context of the time that we were in, it adds you know that why. and so that’s what I was trying to do, but I don’t think I did it well, and so therefore I removed it. Maybe I should keep it in there, but I also am aware of the Internet and how that works. And so I just removed it because I felt as though it wasn’t sufficient enough. But yeah, so maybe if I phrase essays as an ongoing conversation, hopefully that can kind of like invite people to the dialogue because I don’t know everything. And like you might have other thoughts and I’m sure you have other thoughts. And I would actually like really like to hear them because I one of the best parts of existing in a community online is that you exist in a community. Like there are people talking to another, and hopefully I can build that with cosmmory kisses. But especially if you’re, I would love to know what people think about those. Like, what do you think? Oh, and I I I could like make a TikTok, but like subsyc is a little different. Subsych is like we can like we can chit chat over here. Tik is like, and here’s like five second thought and then, you know, there it is, but yeah, I hope you enjoyed this long ramble about my thought process regarding one of my favorite essays I’ve ever written, but also one of the most conflicting essays that I’ve written, and I probably will have I probably will have other thoughts later on, you know, six months later about even this recording, but I think it’s really cool to kind of like time time cap thing, so this is January 13th, 1625 when I’m recording this, um to put a date and it’s Tuesday and I’m about to go have a sandwich and my maintenance guy is amazing. But yeah, um I hope you are well and I hope this long ramble was cool to listen to.

Creating an alter ego has always been easy for me. As an only child who relied heavily on books, the occasional TV show, and fantasy movies for escapism, I have developed many egos over the years. For a while, I lived as a play pretend teacher to mimic my mom. I would line up my stuffed animals/dolls in a neat little row on my dark green carpeted bedroom floor. Each stuffy would receive weekly assignments, which were graded for classroom performance and best effort. I was a pretty chill grader, since most of the homework consisted of writing your name, counting, and answering random trivia questions that children are forced to learn but end up never using as an adult. I have also been an award-winning director with epic romantic storylines and a revolving cast of Barbies, mermaids, Polly Pockets, and my faves - Bratz!! Usually, these stories took place in the bathtub because of mermaids, and they lasted weeks on end. Each plot point had another plot point beneath it, and I really wish I had kept a journal to remember how many times characters broke up or discovered a salacious secret. At times, I even became a character through whichever doll was my favorite at the moment. Eventually, storylines became so convoluted that I could not keep up. I even was a mermaid (and still am)! I fully believed I had magical powers as a kid and could bend water to my will. All I had to do was let the energy flow, and water would shift to my desire. I remember one day walking along a pier at the park. This was incredibly dangerous as the walkway was not supposed to be walked on, and the drop was pretty steep. On top of that, there was no telling how well the little pool was maintained, and when the waves receded, it was evident that sea life had been climbing up the bottom bits of the visible cement sea wall. ALSO, I could not swim! Therefore, if I had dropped with the rolling waves coming in, I surely would have been injured and consumed a lot of water in the best possible outcome.

Naturally, none of this concerned me as a kid/ almost pre-teen, and I began walking along the edges. I imagined what it would be like to jump in the waves and actually become the ego in my mind. What would be the first action I took? Would I swim out to the larger bay and call my mom over to see me flip in the water? Would I decide to sing a melodic song to gather a crowd of people, then vanish beneath the waves, leaving people wondering if they had strangely imagined the whole interaction? Would I force my mom to become a mermaid and travel around the world- forgoing the harness of reality. Or, would I keep everything a secret? Discover that I was in fact, a legitimate mermaid and pretend that I slipped into the murky tide pool on accident. Forever keeping my secret to myself and slipping into the water throughout my life to regain the solace of the sea. Who knows. For a time, I was a demigod in the Percy Jackson universe. The child of Athena or Apollo, Poseidon, Zeus, or Hades. Usually, I was a child of the big three men who no one expected to succeed. Then, suddenly, I would go on a major quest and somehow lead my party members to epic victory. Though I would be an unexpected champion, I would gather a behind-the-scenes team of Godly support through my mission. As a Demi-God, I would be known as self-sacrificing in order to save my friends and the world. A hero who stood on business and got to date the cutest boy (I hadn’t fully processed yet liking girls 😂 which is odd because I routinely said I was giving up on liking men as if I was a two-time divorced lady in her mid-70s with a dead husband and grown children as a high schooler).

I even imagined what it would be like to live as a global pop star. Think Beyoncé-level fame and notoriety. Of course, I would be a true singers singer and look excellent on stage. Obviously, I was a former child star who broke out to the mainstream media as an adult. I had countless fans and again dated the cutest boy. At the time, I was obsessed with Taylor Lautner and Corbin Blue. I did like Zac Efforn and Justin Bieber as well. Especially after Justin went on Wendy Williams, which was shocking to me! I assumed most white people only knew about Oprah, and I used her as a test to see if they liked Black people (a story for a different day). Anyway, I would wear every outfit I liked from Teen Vogue or the various Delias catalogs that I collected. My mom was my manager, and we lived in LA or New York. Clearly, I was mega influential and used my fame to be a voice for young Black girls, helping them feel empowered. I had chart-breaking pop anthems that I would perform on tour to sold-out arenas. Now, if I had to be a musician, I lean more towards a Megan Thee Stallion or Doechii with a sprinkle of Solange persona. A rapper who can sing while also out-rapping most of the men in the game with ease.

It’s crazy how an ego comes from parts of you. What’s even wilder is knowing that an ego can be used to navigate traumatic instances from your life. It’s not shocking that most of my egos were a manifestation of my desire to escape financial hardships and live a better life with my mom. I loved and still love the idea that one day I will wake up and suddenly have awesome magical powers. These powers would not only protect me but also restore balance to the world and ensure my family’s safety and security. Consider the X-Men, but in real life or even Gen Z, but entirely less fucked up.

🌊🧜🏾‍♀️🧿 So Welcome, Celestin Sariel! 🌊🧜🏾‍♀️🧿

Name Etymology

• Celestin (Link here)

  • “Celestin is a feminine name of Latin origin, derived from ‘caelestis’ meaning ‘heavenly’ or ‘of the sky.’ This ethereal name carries connotations of divinity and celestial beauty.” (Source: Nameberry)

• Sariel (Link here)

  • “In 1 Enoch (20:6), he is said to be “one of the [seven] holy angels [who watch], who is set over the spirits, who sin in the spirit…The fallen watcher Sahariel, according to the Book of Enoch, was one of the leaders of angels who lusted after the daughters of men. They descended to the summit of Mount Hermon, in the days of Jared, to acquire wives and lead men astray.[10] Sariel specifically taught men about the course of the moon.” (Source: Wikipedia)

So Welcome, Celestin Sariel! I love the idea of announcing yourself! Announce yourself, and so you are, which is why I am Celestin Sariel. A protector, divine source, a version of my Ori, and a lover of Black women. I would like to think I created Celestin Sairel, but really, she came to me. Several weeks ago, I decided to focus on Ariel because she is my favorite Disney princess. Something about her has always stood out to me. Maybe it was her defiance, the copious trinkets, her fish/crustacean friends, or even the fact that she did not belong. I craved to be Ariel. A dreamer who finally said Enough is enough and took matters into her own hands. Celestin is deeply inspired by her, along with the Orisha Yemoja. I have always lived by the water, and it is only fitting to include the regal Queen Mother of humanity and Orishas as inspiration as well. Celestin’s goal is to protect Black women, and all who believe in her mission are welcome in the Cosmo Cherry universe.

I don’t know how much to say about her because she is a mystery. Though from what I could learn, she is an amalgamation of protective divine feminine and sacred masculine energy. I consider her to be a close-to-human protector. A barrier between my cosmology and the world. An archangel who tests your soul for entrance into my earthly realm. C.S. is the entry-level being who can deny anyone access to my universe. She’s like a bouncer, though with a velvet-blue cape and hidden wings, a peacock in various colors (which I did not make for timing’s sake but could appear at other events). She stands firm in the desire to protect her community and will fuck you up if you decide to go around her. Of course, she requires a celestial crown made on silver, moon, and night sky gossamer threads. Her cape is made of the deepest azure of the ocean waves, with protective gold threads woven into the hood. Enchanting pearls hold the cape in place and connect the shimmering ocean-made threads that tie the cloak together. Night sky threads trail up her arms to channel force energy, and precious necklaces decorate her neck.

It kinda sucks being new. Being the new kid at school. The new person at work. Or even the new person in a friend group. Maybe the fact that I have not been able to see my excellent therapist for two weeks, and the fact that I won’t begin sessions again until December or even January, is really negatively impacting me. But I have been in a spiral of snapping. I feel like a candle soaked in gasoline and surrounded by wood chips near an ongoing bonfire. I could pop off at any moment, but I don’t, and try to keep everything watered down. Maybe it is because we are entering into a new zodiac season, and almost every Sagittarius I know takes no shit. YES, I am an astro girlie and proud of it! I feel like maybe a lot of these mixed emotions are coming up to the surface because of repression. For years, I suffered in silence and ONLY boiled over until I ABSOLUTELY could not hold it in anymore. Maybe these feelings are healthy because my brain and body feel like they can relax and unwind. I know that sounds silly, as someone who lives in New York, which has constant noise and, at times, chaos, but I feel at ease. Not because living here is super easy, but because it just makes sense to be here. When I left DC for the first time during winter break my freshman year, I broke down in uncontrollable tears. I remember sliding down the wall in my old bedroom and my lovely mom freaking out because I don’t often cry. I do cry to be clear, but I don’t like full-on breakdown unless I physically have to (yes, I will unpack this in therapy). So I assume seeing her baby hysterically break down after months of being in a new big city alone stressed her out to the max. Anyway, I said it was because I was going to get a C in a class, which, at the time, meant I would never be successful. After all, everyone before I left for school drilled into my head that our grades are super important in college. They totally did this because I was Black and going to a good school because I now fully know that that’s bullshit. For context, there were discussions about me only getting into a good school because of affirmative action and being Black as if I wasn’t a high honor roll student my entire life.

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Looking back, the class was definitely a stressor, but what was also jarring was feeling so alien in a place you grew up in for years. For context, we never went on vacations or did a lot of fun things, as my mom was a single parent raising me all on her own, and money was very tight. So, home and a specific section of my city became my world. I say this because we never had a reliable car, and going too far out risked breaking down in an area we couldn’t roll the car back home from. I always dreamed of life elsewhere, and my mom encouraged me to leave home for college, but before I left, I felt so secure in my identity back home. I knew who I was, or at least the version of me that had developed over 18 years. So, going back to the place that was your world after, like, 4 or 5 months, and feeling like an alien was so strange to me. It felt like an out-of-body experience. Everything felt smaller and more closed off, so I panicked. While I was new in DC, being there felt right. I hated being new, but I knew that at some point, everything would settle in. With this new chapter in my life, I feel even more pressure to get everything right. I have so much in my mind that I need to get done. I have to start a business, retire my mom, become financial stable, learn about finances and how to budget properly, grow my career network, launch a two year creative project, finish a degree, get more healthy, eat better, get into a relationship, make new friends and maintain my previous friendships, grow more spiritually, stop being shy online, stop running away from my dreams, get over public speaking, learn how to sew, learn how to braid my hair properly, develop a sensible and fashionable closet, travel, make more money, and fall in love.

I love the idea of being new. The endless possibilities and the countless opportunities to rebrand and realign to new energy. Though the reality of being new kinda sucks. The complex parts are where you are unsure. I am new to a lot of things in the city. I have reentered an academic environment after years of working part-time and sometimes inconsistent jobs. I am new to relearning my body after years of being so shut off. I am new again to therapy, and while I am grateful for so many things, I am struggling. I am grateful to have a job, though it often stresses me out. I am thankful to be in school (I have always LOVED school) because growing up, it was my happy place. I also love learning! I don’t enjoy being rushed in learning, but I also rush myself when I get frustrated. The contradictions in me are so exhausting, and it’s hard to give myself grace. I have to keep trying, though, because at the end of the day, while I hate being new, I refuse to be stagnant. When I get stagnant, I fully enter my depression and anxiety wins. I feel myself getting worked up and being confused about why I am experiencing certain emotions in the first place, or being so wrapped up in my feelings that it is hard to know what is real. I want to vent without needing a plan of action, but I also need a plan of action because some things have got to change.

The good news is I am finally writing again! SO cheers to that! 🪽🐚🍸🧿

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I look back on my time in undergrad and miss the moments that felt so complex back then because I now have the tools needed to handle them. So I am confident that this season will pass as well. It is my first couple of months in New York, and of course, I won’t have an answer to everything. What made me proud of myself was navigating the metro/subway, and I was able to get home correctly!! Yes, I did get on the wrong line and maybe went on the local side instead of express, but I made it back by myself, which is a significant victory. You see, I am a vibes based

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direction person. I can’t give you exact directions or tell you to go N, S, E, or W- BUT I can tell you how to get somewhere based on an internal vibe of going the correct way. I think this would be my beige flag if I were a straight man because I usually don’t look at maps to get places. This is also probably why I struggle with using them. Anyway, the subway can be very confusing, and I hate looking lost, so finding my way back home while using maps was a win! I also made a shopping list. This might sound small, but there is a list of items I have needed since moving into my new place, and I get overwhelmed by how much there is to acquire. Therefore, creating a list that is organized from most to least important is my first step to streamlining my anxiety. The next thing I did was decide to be done with my final projects early. I am finishing one class’s ongoing project this weekend, which leaves time to get my moms in in-person feedback. Not only is my mom very creative, but she gets the glamour vibe I am aiming for, plus she knows how to organize finishing touches, so having her input is going to be amazing! The last thing I decided to do was get a plant. My first apartment, which was technically my single room in college, had a plant called Chanel Avenue. The next plant I had back home had no single name, as I could not make up my mind. This place needs a plant, and I am tempted to call it Cosmina.

I promise to take more phots! I partly blame my lack of photos because I took a lot on my moms phone. But I need to remind myself from now on that I need to take more photos even if they are not perfect.

Above is me walking on the Brooklyn bridge during the middle of the afternoon. While I loved the walk, I definitely should have waited until it was colder outside and less tourists by starting super early in the morning. Regardless, I loved the walk and being by the water. Walking across the bridge really puts into scale how large the buildings are in New York.

I Moved to New York ~ Now what?!?!

I have been playing Consideration by Rihanna ft. SZA a lot lately. Whenever a song resonates with me, I will play it on rotation for ages until a new song takes over.

First, thank you to everyone who has subscribed and followed! I really appreciate it, and I hope this community is welcoming, messy, loving, maybe confusing, questioning, declarative, and an alluring space for you to get lost in! Think of Cosmo Cherry Kisses as an infinite garden filled with pockets of wonder, cheeky mayhem, and amusement with a touch of glamour. I never imagined myself as a writer because writing always seemed like something reserved for white kids. Which is stupid, but honestly, what I thought due to teachers always praising other kids’ thoughts over mine. I could go on and on about this, but know that my journey with spirituality has affirmed the importance of self-validation. I understand that the information I bring to the table is accurate without the need for some random white thought leader or person to back me up. This mentality has become especially important to maintain since I started graduate school. While I adore all of my classes, I’ve experienced conversations that previously would have made me question everything that I am during undergrad. However, being able to hear people’s thoughts or have non-Black people perceive me, then shake that shit off, is a talent that I am forever grateful to begun cultivating. While I am not perfect at this, I am now more confident in who I am than I have ever been. Which is wild to say, because I have only scratched the surface of who I am and who I am in motion to become. If you are reading this and you too struggle with self-assurance, first know that you are not alone, and second, understand that knowing yourself takes time. There is so much growing that I am forcing myself to do with this move. I don’t want to be the same person I am now five years later, and frankly, the goals I have set for myself require an adjustment to my comfort zone.

While I love expressing myself and posting online, I still battle with wanting privacy and understanding that with every post, a small part of who I am gets shared with the world. Now, I know I could keep things surface-level and not speak about my personal life, which would be completely valid. Some people may disagree with that, but as someone who has grown up following so many talented Black girls online, I can attest to the fact that the internet is mostly not a safe space for our thoughts, vulnerability, and passions. That sounds dramatic, but I believe it to be true. Countless Black girls have been bullied online for simply being Black, bougie Black, unapologetically Black, quirky Black, or outspoken Black. It’s not fair how often we are judged for our existence, and I get tired when I see a new discourse train pop up every month about X Black girl doing Y, and therefore that means Z things about her.

Despite all the potential negativity, pockets of the internet can be very peaceful and restorative. I am truly happy to share my experiences, the messiness of self-evolution, and what brings me joy. Just the other day, I went thrifting because I donated basically my entire closet before moving and needed everything from a basic jacket to sleeping clothes. I checked out New Relation Vintage between Carroll Gardens and Prospect Heights. Of course, I did not take any photos because I am still VERY NEW to remembering to document my life for an online audience. However, I found a new “leather jacket,” sweater vest, zip-up sweater, and two new tops that I plan on using for an art project later in the winter. My goal for the project is to create a usable shield and construct a cosmic backdrop filled with collages. I, of course, have no experience with metalworking whatsoever or know where to start with the process of making a shield, though I am oddly confident that it will all work out.

I also moved into a new place, which is a manifestation that has become a reality. While nothing is built besides a faux vintage green storage bench from Target, I could not be more pleased with my new home. It is cozy and reminds me of my college dorm room, but with an upgrade. In undergrad, I mainly lived alone and treated my room like a mini-apartment. I also referred to my room as an apartment to my friends, which was always funny. Please think of me calling my dorm an apartment in the same way that kids put on their parents’ clothes to play dress up. It’s cute and often an attempt at mimicking what they believe adults do. Back then, a green theme emerged, which was unexpected. For whatever reason, each space that I make my own always has the color green as foundational, with tones of yellows, blues, off-whites, and beiges mixed in. Naturally, I followed my instinctive color scheme for this place, and I have been fighting the urge to decorate it as quickly as possible. Mainly because home decor is expensive and also because I want to make sure that what I am buying actually makes me happy. I also have some home decor items back at my mom’s house, which I need to pay to have shipped up to me. Over the last four years, I have been purchasing cups, small trinkets, storage dishes, and wooden hangers for my future place (technically, the hangers were from my time in retail but I still count this as collecting items). Though my apartment is pretty empty right now, I am blessed to have the home supplies that I could afford to purchase so far.

What’s been very challenging for me is dealing with my body adjusting to walking again. Previously, I could walk for an hour plus and be totally fine-ish. Yes, I would be in pain but it was manageable enough to not be an immediate issue. Now, I struggle sometimes to make it to two blocks. I haven’t fully gotten into it here, but I have been navigating some health challenges, which make mobility difficult for me. Though I love living in a walkable city, it sucks to feel as though I am pushing my body beyond its limits for basic things. I almost quit going to the thrift store mid-way through my walk to get to a subway stop because my body was hurting that badly. I also knew that I would have to stand for a while on the subway, which made me want to give up even more. I know at some point things will get better, especially because I have some doctor’s appointments lined up, but for right now, I am struggling with having to move at an adjusted pace because my body needs a break. What has been helping me is reminding myself to take it slow and to give myself grace. Change is not going to happen overnight. In undergrad, it took me over a year to get into shape, and I still had issues. I literally moved less than a month ago, and I am older on top of coming off serious health concerns. Another challenge is not knowing where to go. This is soooo dumb, but I genuinely get annoyed at myself for being lost. I believe a part of this is due to the fact that I don’t want to look lost. Meaning I know that looking lost can unfortunately invite or start unwanted attention, and as a woman in a major city, I want to stay as alert as I possibly can to protect myself. It sucks not knowing what you are doing. Unlike the DC metro, the NY subway is so vast and not as straightforward as some people claim. Plus, I am a kinetic learner, so while I can be told how to do something, the best way for me to retain information is by actively going through the motions of a task or project. Therefore, someone can tell me to get off at X exit and turn left, and I will comprehend them, though it won’t be until I physically walk through the specific exit that their directions will make complete sense to me.

What has been a blessing is the Black people I have met in the city so far. You know the saying that God can speak through people; well, I really feel as though I have had divine interactions since moving. Each time I left one of these conversations, I received a token of wisdom about life in the city, ranging from advice on making friends/forming a vibrant Black community to how to tap into my creativity further. This is why I moved to NY. I want to make new friends, challenge myself to be more creative, and actually live the dreams that I ruminate about 24/7. To sound cliché, if you can dream it, then it is already yours, and I have several visions of a very abundant life for myself. You know, in manifesting, people always say that everything happens for a reason; well, it is true.

As much as I have beef with that mindset in moments because it can sorta gloss over shitty things which no one should go through, I am constantly astounded by the power of divine timing. I know myself now, or at least I know enough to understand that I am not changing who I am to serve other people’s ideas of who I should be. I am a bougie Black girl from the South who enjoys luxury items, aspects of nerd culture, romance novels, Pinterest, melodramatic playlists, fantasy, and a touch of old-world glamour. I was not meant to shoulder the world’s problems or be tasked with routinely burning myself out and then have people demand I do better. I define what Blackness means for myself, and no one can shake that belief from me. While I have gone through a lot of hurt and pain, I refuse to let that be the only experiences I have in the world. I am beyond talented and fucking smart! I come from a long line of brilliant, loving, and dynamic women, whose love and protection are constantly wrapped around me. I don’t believe that I should lower my expectations to take on bullshit because people think that Black girls should only ask for so much. I am my Ancestors’ wildest dreams, and every day I work towards healing, pursuing my passions, and finding rest, making them beyond proud. Amen! Ase!

Special shout-out to my mom! May every bit of love you pour into me return to you with infinite flow and compassion! Love you, girlie!!

Signed,

Cosmo from the Big City!

Back in 2020, I made the decision to learn how to braid my own hair. While I am not perfect, I definitely have improved over the last four years. If you want to try a new protective style, save this post as motivation to keep going even if the end result is not exactly what you wanted. One day I will take a braiding course from a professional to really hone in on my skills, though until then I will keep trying & learning.

It is finally happening y’all! The big move is in motion and I am a bundle of emotions! I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

After years of working, unpacking my own limiting self beliefs, and deciding to move forward by embracing imperfection, I am finally moving to my dream city! I can’t even type or fully express the mixture of emotions I have been feeling since the beginning of August. It all feels like a dream and I am so grateful to all the Black women who helped me get here. From my first boss right out of college who took a chance on me and saw my worth and value- Thank you! She started her own fashion non-profit so other Black women and girls can see themselves in the media! A true style Queen who leads with compassion and creativity. To my boss whose job allowed me to quit working retail - Thank you! With her I learned how to remain as you are even when you are amongst people who seek to undo your sense of self knowledge! I thank my other boss who helped me stack my paper up! 😂With her I learned that closed mouths don’t get fed and actively doing your best amongst the chaos will open doors. Her MO is - do it for yourself even if someone won’t appreciate it! Then to my current boss who is a true Leo’s Leo! With her I am learning how to be unshakable in your vision and carry your head held high! All these women have started their own businesses and each person is an innovator, self starter, and a testament to Black excellence along with Black girl magic!

Then to my spiritual educators who have helped me define, embody, and learn myself- Thank you! Big shout out to The Queen Po, a Holistic Wellness Practitioner & Educator, along with the wellness community! If you would like to learn more about wellness, spirituality, herbs, and planetary alignments, I highly recommend joining the wellness community or following Queen Po on social media. I would love to highlight The HoodWitch or Bri Luna as well. Blood, Sex, Magic is such a beautiful and insightful resource. I bought the book last year for my birthday and use it as a guide whenever I am seeking to grow my spiritual gifts. Speaking of guidance or clarity, I also highly recommend purchasing Orishas, Goddesses and Voodoo Queens: the Divine Feminine in the African Religious Traditions by Lilith Dorsey! I reference this book so often that it might as well reside on my night stand. If you are curious about ATR then please check out this wonderful guide. Especially if you are a beginner, like myself, or need a refresher of previous knowledge.

Last but not least I would like to thank my mom! Y’all I would not be here without her! Seriously! She is my rock and my foundation. Everything that I am is due to her love, guidance, knowledge, compassion, innovation, creativity, spirituality, determination, cleverness, and beauty! She is my north star and my bestie!!!! With her, anything is possible and she is the reason why I create. I have spoken in previous essays about why I write on Substack and my reason largely resides in needing a space to create or share my thoughts. With that being said, I also create because I want to retire my mom. I want us to live a comfortable and charmed life that is filled with wonder, love, abundance, joy, adventure, and compassion. I want more for us and I am so grateful for her belief that I can do anything. If you have someone in your life who is constantly speaking life into you - hug them and say I LOVE YOU!!! I love you mom and thank you for choosing me as your daughter!!