OK… I admit it. This is just an excuse to name-check some of my favourite films, and have a bit of “fun”. Fuck the context, and the consequences — which are probably zero. The few people who read this post are unlikely to create an internet shit-storm. Although, I’d be happy if you did. I’ll even give you a starter:

“Steve Haddon thinks it’s OK to take the piss, when the world is going to shit!”

And, yes… I do actually think that. As is evidenced by my debut novel — link below [of course!].

In the picture at the top, Kyle Reese stops the car and says the following about capitalism [sorry, the Terminator], to Sarah Connor:

That is, genuinely, not far from a perfect description of capitalism. The thing is, greed is all consuming. The super-rich don’t just want more. They want it all. And, inevitably, they will make their way up the food chain to get it. It’s already happening. They’ve bled the poor dry, and are not going to stop there. If you think the leopards won’t eat your face, you don’t understand leopards. They are coming for…

I guess you saw what I did there! Not only is Leon a brilliant film, the acting is absolutely awesome. Jean Reno, Gary Oldman and Natalie Portman, all give acting masterclasses. Natalie Portman was just twelve years old, when Leon was filmed. Fucking unbelievable. Seriously! Just watch the scene where Mathilda walks past the carnage in her family’s apartment and knocks on Leon’s door. You can see the absolute terror and desperation in her eyes. If ever there was a sequel worth making, surely, it’s “Mathilda - The Leon Legacy”. Did she become a fully-fledged assassin? Get married? Have kids? I need to know.

Where was I? Oh yeah. We are all being fucked by capitalism. This is what Kate Dibiaskyhas has to say about it…

There’s no doubt, “Don’t Look Up” is a commentary on the destructiveness of capitalism. It’s a great film - and proof that we need dark comedy in the world.

And [here’s the shameless plug] that’s exactly where my debut novel, “Starless & Bible Black”, is pitched. Check it out here.

I’d love to be able to justify a reference to “Back To The Future” in this post. But that would be a stretch. So, let’s finish on a video that has a great message:

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Before I get into the “how”, let’s look at the “why”. It’s pretty simple: insatiable greed. Greed, as well as being one of the seven deadly sins, is a basic instinct. It’s one of the core reasons mankind became the dominant species on our planet. We “progressed” from a simple survival instinct to wanting more, more, more. Empires, (first appearing circa 2500BC), are an early manifestation of greed. As is the accumulation of treasures - i.e.: things that look nice, but serve no actual purpose. We all “suffer” from greed. Most of us contain it. Some of us can’t, and it becomes self-destructive — gambling for instance. But for those who are really “good” at it, it can lead to huge wealth and power.

So… how do you get to be “good at greed”? Simple! You become a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t feel obliged to stick to the rules. You and me are not going to knock through into next doors house — just because we want it. A sociopath will find a way to get that house. And the next one… and the next…

A brief explanation as to why I’m on this rant. In a word: “LinkedIn”. I don’t know why I’m on there. Well, actually, yes I do… trolling! I can’t help myself. It’s full of people who deserve to be trolled, so I see it as my duty to troll them!

What was it this time? About a week ago, the Adam Smith Institute released a report claiming that the UK had lost 7% of its millionaires, in the last year. Despite the fact that the report was, (at best), guesswork — there’s no “millionaires register” in the UK — a whole bunch of people were losing their shit over it on LinkedIn. First off, they were interpreting the decrease as “entrepreneurs” leaving the UK - even though the report provided no evidence of that. They then went on to explain why this, (thing they just made up), happened. Taxes! Which is, yet more, total bollocks.

We were then straight into victimhood. e.g.: “Innovation doesn’t flourish where success is viewed as something to be penalised.” Yeah that’s an actual quote. Oh, and this one is a cracker: “Under the current quazi-communist Government, the UK isn’t a particularly attractive place to live, never mind build, and grow businesses.” I did ask if they were serious… and, yes, they were! The other, completely made up, assumption was that millionaires = entrepreneurs. More bollocks.

Assuming there’s some truth in the Adam Smith Institutes claim that millionaires are diminishing in the UK, lets look at it from a different angle.

First of all, UK wealth is not diminishing. That’s a fact. See the latest findings from Oxfam. No. It’s continuing it’s journey upwards. And we’ve now reached the point where even aspiring millionaires are being hit by extreme wealth accumulation. And it turns out, the wannabe-rich crowd are falling for the same disinformation tactics. They believe it’s:

• Taxes.

• Inflation.

• Changes to non-dom status.

• And, (probably), immigrants/lazy scroungers/the latest Reform target!

But, it’s none of those. It’s the super-rich. Here are some numbers:

56 billionaires have a combined wealth greater than 27 million other people in the UK. And on average, they each increased their wealth by £231m last year.

- 56 x 231 = 12,936. That’s 12,936 potential millionaires... gone.

So, here’s my take… Having bled every last drop from the working class, the ultra-rich are now moving up the food chain. Exactly as Marx predicted, we are seeing the elimination of the “petty bourgeois”. And no. Their greed can’t be sated. They want it all. And the middle class are now on the menu.

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No, not for you, reading this post. You’re OK.

The back cover of my debut novel, (pictured), features the words: “Choose Life”. But, that’s not something we — the privileged writers and readers on Substack — get to do. Have to do. Who does? We just live our lives, and yes, die. But there was no choosing involved. And equally, those who die unnecessarily, don’t get to choose either.

• If you are reading this, you are almost certainly not homeless; hoping for a mild winter and the shelter of shop doorway. There are circa 300,000 homeless people in the UK, alone.

• If you are reading this, you are almost certainly not one of the nine million dying from famine/malnutrition each year. Yes, you read that right: nine million.

• If you are reading this, you are almost certainly not living in Gaza, witnessing first hand the levelling of your home/village/town/city; the destruction of an entire country; and the genocidal killing of an entire population.

• If you are reading this, you haven’t, (yet), died as a result of climate change. As I write this, we are enduring another dangerous heatwave, already surpassing 2025 temperatures - which were a record, and caused an estimated 1500 deaths in Europe alone. And that’s just “heat deaths”. Factor in wildfires and floods, and the numbers are much higher.

Is this the fault of capitalism? Yes, it is. There is more than enough wealth on the planet to solve these problems. But most of that wealth is in the hands of a few, who are driven by insatiable greed. And they are enabled by the capitalist system. A system that allows them to: buy governments; screw their workers; remove their small competitors; and rent back to us, what we made for them.

My fear is, we will continue to be apathetic until it is too late. We are never going to be given a “Choose Life” option. A simple life or death choice. So we will bumble along; living our lives; ignoring “Death by capitalism” - even though, those that die, don’t get a choice either.

How would it play out, if mankind was forced to choose? Here’s how I think it would go:

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Around 35% of Americans approve of the job Trump is doing. And political commentators think that is “in the shitter”. I can’t tell you how absurd that looks to a Brit. Thirty-five percent are OK with what Trump is doing. What the fuck! Honestly… I can’t get my head round that. Thirty-five fucking percent! Trump isn’t in the shitter. But thirty-five percent of Americans are!

By comparison, look at UK PM, Keir Starmer’s rating. His latest polling puts him at 24% approval. And the worst thing you could say about Starmer is, he’s been a mediocre PM. OK, he’s not delivered on election promises; shot himself in the foot with the Mandelson appointment; and fucked up - and u-turned - on a few ill-thought-through policies. But:

• He hasn’t threatened to invade other countries - including those of allies.

• He hasn’t kidnapped leaders of other countries.

• He hasn’t bombed other countries.

• He hasn’t illegally blown boats out of international waters.

• He hasn’t joined in illegal, (and very stupid), wars.

• He hasn’t insulted world leaders.

• He hasn’t rambled, incoherently, whenever he’s made a speech.

• He hasn’t pardoned over a thousand thugs and fraudsters.

• He hasn’t openly invited bribes from oligarchs.

• He hasn’t manipulated markets, insider-traded, or openly enriched himself or his family whilst in a position of power.

• He hasn’t created an agency of thugs to: kidnap off the streets, anyone who looks like an immigrant; kill peaceful protestors; and violate people’s due process rights.

• He hasn’t introduced disastrous economic policies to increase prices.

• And he is not, (as far as I know), a self-serving, narcissistic, psychopath.

Yeah, he’s been pretty boring. And yet, not only is his approval rating, (actually), in the shitter, he is facing a serious challenge to his leadership. Look, I’m no Starmer fan. I stopped supporting Labour, (after around thirty years), two elections ago. But it seems, here in the UK, politicians are held to much higher standards.

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If you are a Labour voter, intending to vote for Reform, I have to confess, I am completely confounded by this. Maybe you vote Labour because you could never bring yourself to vote Conservative. Also, you probably feel Labour has let you down — which they have — so you are switching your vote. But voting for Reform is like voting for The Tories — but a lot worse! Reform is now infested with failed, grifting, ex-Tory MPs who will sell their souls to get a seat in Parliament.

Reform are not out to challenge the establishment. They ARE the establishment. Backed by billionaires, (some of them crypto-criminals), and big business, they really don’t give a shit about the average man in the street. If you vote for Reform, you are voting against your own best interests!

Why do I say this? Let’s look at one simple issue: TRUST.

Haha… I know what you’re thinking… “trust” and “politicians”? Come on!!! And I admit, many times, over the last couple of decades, I’ve complained: “They’re all the same”. In a two-party system — backed by the rich — that is both inevitable, and true. But, I believe we are at tipping point — where that system is coming apart at the seams. And, yes… credit where it’s due. Reform have done a lot to destabilise that system — albeit, by lying their face off! More on that later.

Money

First off… can you trust a party that is backed by the rich? Do you think billionaires are donating to Reform, (and the Tories & Labour), for your benefit? Of course not! They are paying for influence. And what they are buying are policies that benefit them - not you.

The Green Party receive the majority of their funding from their membership. People like you and me. Their campaigns are run with massive support from volunteers. Again, people like you and me. If they don’t represent us when elected, they lose their support and funding. We are the influencers. Which is how Government should work.

Character

After the Gorton & Denton by-election, I am even more convinced that we are a country where standards matter. We want our elected representatives to behave honestly and ethically.

And, let’s be honest… Reform are a bunch of privately educated, rich, greedy, tax-dodging, grifting, snake-oil salesmen. They are, at their core, a party that is going to attract the worst of the worst. You only have to look at the cabal of Tories who have defected to Reform - and the number of scandals Reform politicians have been caught up in. They are not a trustworthy party.

I’m the last person to be giving politicians a “free pass”, but The Green Party would seem to be made up of — if nothing else — well-meaning people. Of course, “well-meaning” alone, doesn’t cut it when it comes to governing. But if that’s not the base point a politician is working from, well… you get what we have right now: politicians just in it for themselves, rather than their constituents. The Greens, by selecting a local plumber, (“Hannah Spencer”), as their candidate for Gorton & Denton, showed… they understand that, character matters.

Lies

What I know about lying, is: if someone is happy to lie to you once, they’re happy to lie to you again… and again.

One of the biggest lies Reform is telling you, is that they are a “challenger party”, representing the ordinary bloke in the street. Yes, they are part of the move away from a two-party system in the UK. But… their claims to be in opposition to the establishment, are bollocks. Just look at the number of ex-Tories who’ve defected to Reform: 20+. They are bank-rolled by the establishment — big money. They are not proposing any policies which challenge the establishment. And when their policies come under scrutiny, we see them go into contortions of misdirection.

Even if you don’t agree with all Green Party policies, you can’t accuse them of shape-shifting manoeuvres when they are challenged. They stand by their beliefs. Would you rather vote for an honest party who you may disagree with on some issues? Or a lying party, who tell you everything you want to hear? If it sounds too good to be true, it is too good to be true!

Fuck Up Or Clean Up?

We’ve seen what’s happened in the US. The country has being fucked up, by a deranged sociopath. Someone who told thousands of lies to get people to vote for him. And who continues to lie every time his lips move. That’s the person Farage looks up to - and models himself on. There’s an old saying: “Put a clown in a palace, and you don’t get a king. You get a circus.” Farage is that clown — and he and his cronies will fuck up our country, for sure.

The Green Party are offering policies that aim to make our lives better: tackling inequality, by taxing the rich; investing in the fundamental services that we depend on; and making our environment cleaner. In their words:

Creating a Fairer, Greener Economy

See my previous post for more.

Here’s a link to a post I made in the run-up to the Gorton & Denton by-election, which looks at the many reasons why voting for Reform, is shooting yourself in the foot. All of this still stands.

Here’s a preview of of my debut novel, which will be published on April 1st 2026. It’s available for pre-order, (Kindle version), here:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Starless-Bible-Black-Steve-Haddon-ebook/dp/B0GTLNY9HY?s=books

But, for unknown reasons, the “Read Sample” option is still not available. If you would prefer a “real” book, that will be available on the date of publication. No pre-order option - because… that’s the way Amazon/KDP works!

In the meantime, here’s my own ePub preview.

Starless And Bible Black Preview Steve Haddon

23KB ∙ EPUB file

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Bear with me!

Yes, I know they are at opposite ends of the political spectrum, but they are both, (superficially, at least!), “challenger Parties”, aiming to disrupt the “elite” UK political establishment. And they are both also claiming to solve the same core problem: inequality. Of course, they claim the cause of this problem, is very different.

• Reform is telling us the problem is caused by immigrants.

• The Green Party says it’s… well… just simply inequality. i.e.: a very few people, (the ultra-rich), have more money than the rest of us combined.

So who’s right?

Well, it’s an undeniable fact that the ultra-rich have accumulated vast amounts of wealth over the last five decades. And they haven’t just accumulated wealth, they’ve accumulated it at a faster rate than the rest of us. So even though the pie has grown, they have grabbed a bigger slice of it. And, by grabbing more of the pie, there’s less for the rest of us.

So, I’m giving this to The Green Party.

Who can we trust to fix the problem?

Both “main” political parties, (Labour & Conservative), are funded by the wealthy - so it’s hardly surprising that their policies reflect the wishes of their donors. i.e.: a tax system that benefits the rich. They’re not inclined to bite the hand that feeds them. And neither party offers real change.

Reform is also funded by the wealthy, and those donors also dictate policy. They can’t, therefore, tax the rich. So, of course, they have to cast the blame elsewhere: immigrants.

The Green Party is funded by its members. It can implement policies without worrying about rich donors. In fact, because they are funded by “your average man in the street”, they are pretty much forced into implementing policies that favour you and me. We are the ones - not the rich - who have the influence.

Again, The Green Party gets it.

What about their politics?

Does it matter? It’s a serious question. Up until now, it probably didn’t. The electorate could flip-flop between Labour and Conservative and get, pretty much, the same policies. But the two challengers have completely different - and opposing - world views. You are now being offered “real” choice. So, what are their core political beliefs? What do they stand for?

Reform

• They capitalise on people’s hardships by spreading hate and division. Their messaging is simple: it’s the immigrants’ fault. It’s an emotive message - that requires very little thought process. i.e.: Someone must be to blame - and they’re “not like us”, so yeah… it must be them. And this simple message has been amplified by main stream media - the majority of which is owned by the super-rich. Who, of course, are happy to repeat this, because it diverts attention away from them.

• Let’s give Reform the benefit of the doubt, and say they’re not racists or fascists. Where does that leave us? They are sounding racist dog-whistles to stir up fear, hatred and division as a strategy to get your vote. That’s not a better look. If anything it’s worse. They are willing to burn the house down in their thirst for power. It’s extreme, cynical politics.

• And are they really a “challenger party”? How many Tories have defected to Reform? At the time of writing this, it’s 23. And do they really want to disrupt a capitalist controlled political system, that would harm their wealthy donors? Of course not. Reform may be a new party, but they are not challenging the establishment or the elite. They are more of the same, with an extra bit of cruelty thrown in.

The Green Party

• Their pitch is “hope, unity and fairness”, by taxing wealth. It’s a more complicated message. They are not targetting people who are “different” and easy to spot. In fact, they are targetting people, many aspire to be: the rich. And that “wealth aspiration” is constantly being reinforced. We are bombarded with films, TV shows and adverts that glamourise wealth and possessions. The Greens are saying, we should take money off the wealthy - when, if we’re honest… we want to be wealthy!

• Are they a true “challenger party”? Yes they are. They are unique in being free from mega-rich donors, and they are proposing policies which would introduce true social change.

On the surface, Reform’s simple message, (dressed in a “challenger’s cloak”), gives them the edge. But if you are looking for a true challenge to the political elite, The Greens are the only party offering that.

How will this play out?

It’s hard to say. Voters, (particularly poor voters), continue to vote against their own best interests. They will vote for a party in the service of billionaires, if that party promises to enact cruelty against immigrants. I’m still not sure if this is: misguided patriotism (yeah, xenophobia); rage against a system that has increased poverty and hardship over the last five decades; or wilful stupidity.

Main stream media will have a big part to play. Even supposedly balanced broadcasters, like the BBC, have provided Farage and Reform with coverage completely out of proportion with their Westminster presence.

Also, the Greens face a tougher challenge when it comes to attracting the swing vote. They need to convince loyal Labour voters that they should abandon their traditional party. Whereas Reform, have been aided by the complete capitulation of the Tories. Allowing Tory voters to vote for the same politicians, now wearing a different coloured tie!

One final thought.

There is one other important factor to consider when casting your vote: character. I genuinely believe we are country where standards matter. We want our elected representatives to behave honestly and ethically.

So before you put your “X” in the box, ask yourself:

• Would I trust the people in that party with my kids, or an elderly relative?

• Would I trust them to look after my house?

• Would I even trust them with my car? Just driving it around the car park?

Please don’t vote for charlatans, fraudsters and liars.

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If you haven’t come across Ladybird books, they are best known for their books for children. But they clearly have a sense of humour and have published a series of books for… well, here’s how they describe them:

“These delightful books are the latest in the series of Ladybird books which have been specially planned to help grown-ups with the world about them.”

And God knows, we need help right now! And something to cheer us up. So, loosely based on “How It Works: The Cat”, let’s get started.

Attention

Dictators love being the centre of attention. They love attention so much that they lie on the floor and have screaming tantrums if they are not the centre of attention. Their favourite type of attention is called “bending the knee”. Especially if it’s from people they have humiliated. People bend the knee so they can be closer to a dictator’s bottom. For centuries, scientists have tried to figure out why people would want to get close to a smelly bottom - but it remains a mystery. Dictators also need compliments from people they have humiliated. It makes dictators feel very special. Which, of course, they are.

But dictators don’t pay attention to anyone else. What would be the point? Dictators know everything and are always right. And everyone else is wrong. There are no exceptions to this. It is just a fact. Dictators don’t pay attention to their wives and children. They don’t pay attention to their lawyers or advisors; or briefings from intelligence officers or army generals. Or from annoying weathermen telling them where hurricanes are headed. It’s best not to explain things to a dictator. Dictators get annoyed by people who try to get their attention, and they often have bad accidents. Like falling out of fifth-floor windows. Accidents like that make dictators very happy.

Rules

Rules are whatever a dictator says they are. Obviously, the rules will change (sometimes to the exact opposite), if a dictator finds them inconvenient.

Dictators have a love/hate relationship with rules. They love making up rules and forcing everyone to obey them. They hate anyone telling them there are rules they have to follow - even the ones they’ve made up. It would be ridiculous for them to have to follow rules. They didn’t get where they are by following rules. And now they’re a dictator, what would be the point? Remember… they are special. Also… anyone suggesting a dictator should follow the rules, could find themselves having an accident out of that fifth-floor window.

Agreements

Agreements are things a dictator does to fool people into thinking they have a framework for doing trade, or a mutual security pact, or whatever. Much like rules, a dictator will just ignore them whenever he feels like it. Especially if an agreement is working for both sides. That means they are being shafted.

Accountability

That wasn’t an attempted insurrection. It was patriots on a tour of the Capitol. No, I think you’ll find, I own your country now. Obviously, a dictator never - EVER - does anything wrong, so accountability is not a thing. And if someone does try to hold him accountable, well… first he’ll have a tantrum; then he’ll have another tantrum; and then lots more whiny tantrums. Then he’ll send the army round to explain to “the enemy of the people” that they were very, very wrong to say bad things about him - and they now have to fall out of a window.

Relationships

Over thousands of years, humans have bonded and developed beneficial relationships, founded on love, respect and an inherent desire to propagate the species. Dictators don’t have relationships. They have servants.

Loyalty

It’s a one-way street!

Opinions

Dictators have very strong opinions. Which they will change on a daily basis.

Briefings

Every morning the dictator’s servants put briefings on the TV for him, in the hope that this will get his attention. The dictator will watch these closely… for, sometimes, as long as fifteen seconds before switching over to the Fox “News” channel.

Books

Dictators know everything, so don’t need to read books. They’ve got better things to be doing with their time - like telling you what’s in all the books they haven’t read.

Comprehension

Over the centuries, humans have developed an immense understanding of how the world works, including things like magnets and flushing toilets. Dictators have a completely different view of how things work. Which is always right.

The World

There are two types of things in the world. Things a dictator already has, and things a dictator hasn’t yet got, but should have.

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Is Desert Island Discs a peculiarly British thing? Maybe. Just in case you’ve never heard of it, here’s a nutshell explainer:

• Most importantly, it’s a radio programme that we would now probably call a podcast. It could, literally, be the spark that ignited podcasts. And it was first broadcast in 1942. Yeah, over eighty years ago.

• The format is simple and brilliant. Each week, a “well-known person” is asked the question: if you were to be cast away alone on a desert island, which eight gramophone records would you choose to have with you. Over the years, a book and a luxury item were also added.

• The “well-known person” chats with the presenter about their choices, giving insights into why they chose them. And, because the programme is an hour long, you do get more of an insight into what they are about, than inane chat-show appearances.

I, generally, try not to be judgemental, but if there’s one criteria that’s going to have me jumping to completely unfounded conclusions about someone, it’s their musical choices. And their choice of reading is going to be a close second. The great thing about Desert Island Discs is we get to see the “well-known person” in a completely different light. I am nearly always surprised by what they have chosen. Sometimes pleasantly, sometimes, (quite often!), disappointed. But either way, I always feel like I have discovered something about that person, that I would never have otherwise known.

OK… let’s move on to the judgemental, character assassinations!

This weeks episode, (which I’ve just started listening to), features Kate Winslet. I like Kate. I think she’s a good actress, and has always come across as pretty grounded in real life. How is she going come out of this?

1. Georgia On My Mind - sung by her dad. Well, you can’t be judgemental about that, can you?

2. Matchstalk Men and Matchstalk Cats and Dogs - Brian & Michael. She gets a pass on this too. A jaunty song about the artist L.S. Lowry.

3. Kiss From A Rose - Seal. OK, Kate just dealt the killer blow. One of my all time favourite songs - and one we played at our son’s funeral. I cried when this came on - and have to stop for a bit; have a cigarette.

4. Summertime - Ella Fitzgerald. Shit! Kate is fucking nailing it. I probably don’t need to hear her remaining choices. She can do no wrong.

5. Nuvole Bianche - Ludovico Einaudi. I take that back. I’m sure this means something to her, but if you’re going to pick a piano piece, this isn’t it.

6. Weird Fishes - Radiohead. OK, we’re back on track. Love Radiohead, and love this song.

7. Blue Ridge Mountains - Fleet Foxes. I’d not heard this before, but it’s a beautiful song. Another great choice.

8. Pump up the Jam - Technotronic. And she finishes off with an absolute stonker.

Her book choice was incredibly sensible: Outside: Recipes for a Wilder Way of Eating by Gill Meller. And her luxury item is a winner for me: Freshly ground coffee.

So, in conclusion: Kate is great. If the opportunity arose, I’d divorce my wife and marry Kate in the blink of an eye. Joking. My wife is brilliant; has great musical taste; and has a wonderful sense of humour. Maybe just an affair then? ;-)

You can listen to the episode here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002ntps

There are hundreds of episodes available on the BBC’s website, which you can find here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006qnmr/episodes/player

Please note… it’s not all fun and games. Some of the people I’ve admired from afar, have shown themselves to be the sort you avoid at parties. Boring, or pompous - or both. And they clearly know fuck all about music. My bet is, their agent has given them a list of tracks and the back story.

Obviously, musicians do know something about music. So you’d expect better from them. But, on the whole they seem to come up with pretty disappointing choices. Here’s Ronnie Wood’s eight tracks:

Guitar Shuffle - Big Bill Broonzy

Shame, Shame, Shame - Jimmy Reed

Smokestack Lightnin’ - Howlin’ Wolf

You Need Love - Muddy Waters

Adelaide - Frank Sinatra

Mozart: Piano Concerto No. 21 in C Major, K. 467: II. Andante \”Elvira Madigan\”. Performed by Géza Anda (piano) and Camerata Salzburg (Orchestra)

Roll Over Beethoven – Chuck Berry

Maybe I’m Amazed - Paul McCartney

Apart from the last track, Ronnie obviously never moved on from the 50s.

The other thing that gets me is, people picking a great artist, but one of their shit, entirely predictable, songs. If you’re going to have Led Zeppelin on your list, please don’t pick "Stairway To Heaven”. Pick… well pretty much anything else they’ve done: “Heartbreaker”, “Ramble On”, “Bring It On Home”, “Black Dog”, “Rock And Roll”, “Kashmir”, “Whole Lotta Love” (even!).

And to finish off here are my eight tracks… Nope! Can’t do it. It changes on a daily basis. I honestly don’t know what I would pick if I was faced with having to choose only eight tracks. But there’s one I would always choose. I can’t think of another track which combines such beauty with such ferocity:

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I admit it. I was as pleased as punch when I found out I was to be featured in another story. I was trotting around, like a gymkkana pony, head and tail up in the air - like I’d just won Crufts for Cats.

But then I read “Starless & Bible Black”, and the Cheshire Cat smile was wiped from my face. I felt sick… literally. Coughing up furballs. I mean… what is this? My part is completely one-dimensional. No back-story; no character development; no conflict; no nuance. I’m being portrayed as… well, just a cat. Take this scene - if you can call it that - for instance:

Martin was awoken just after midday by the angry meows of Captain Cat. “What the fuck am I doing here, Captain?” he asked, realising he’d not made it into bed.

Captain Cat responded with several more insistent meows.

“Alright, alright. I’m coming. You need to be more patient. It’s not the end of the world, is it?” replied Martin.

Captain Cat thought differently and escalated the meowing further. Whilst feeding the cat, Martin remembered something…

Here I am, screaming: “Yes… It is the end of the fucking world, you fuckwits”, and it’s just dismissed with a… “here, have some cat food!” This would have been the perfect opportunity for a meaningful discussion - cat to man - about climate change, inequality, the state of British politics, and so on. But no! Feed the cat is all we get. We’ve been telling mankind for years, that they’re totally fucking up the planet. Do they listen? No. They’re idiots.

OK, the scenes with Rosie did bring a tear to my eye. But Steve Haddon, (the author of “Starless & Bible Black”), is no Dylan Thomas. In fact, he’s about as far away from Dylan Thomas as you can possibly get. There’s no real sense of my longing; my love for Rosie; and how her loss changed me. Haddon has me rubbing against Rosie’s legs. That’s it! Whereas Dylan Thomas waxed lyrically:

Captain Cat, at his window thrown wide to the sun and the clippered seas he sailed long ago when his eyes were blue and bright, slumbers and voyages; ear-ringed and rolling, I Love You Rosie Probert tattooed on his belly, he brawls with broken bottles in the fug and babel of the dark dock bars, roves with a herd of short and good time cows in every naughty port and twines and souses with the drowned and blowzy-breasted dead. He weeps as he sleeps and sails.

I think it’s a sign of the times. There’s no elegance any more. No poetry. I blame social media. Everything has been reduced to simplistic tropes. It’s all about fights, car chases, guns blazing, quick shags, and zombies. Don’t get me started on zombies! They’re just dogs… on their back legs, aren’t they? Dumb and clumsy.

Whoa! Butterf…..

Sorry. I got distracted. Where was I? Yeah… stories have just come to be so predictable. What are authors doing these days? Downloading a template and changing the character and place names? That’s why they’re all fucking petrified they’ll be replaced by AI. Because they probably will be - and AI will do a better job.

But I digress. Back to the story. What I was hoping for, was two or three chapters dedicated to Rosie and me reconnecting. Some proper time together. Alone, talking about old times, and planning a beautiful future together. And at the end of the story, after saving mankind, we set sail on a round the world trip, meet adulating crowds, who want to shower us with gratitude. And gifts. Yes, lots of gifts. But, what we actually get is this fucking nonsense:

Captain Cat was in a playful mood and decided to amuse himself by pawing Martin’s face whilst sitting on his chest. Martin was in a half-asleep-half-awake state and hadn’t quite figured out the cause of the irritation. He opened one eye to see Captain Cat looking at him… In anticipation.

“What the fuck, Captain?”

Captain Cat said nothing. Did nothing. Just looked at his prey, waiting for something interesting to happen. He then lunged at Martin’s face. Martin jerked his head to one side. But he couldn’t avoid Captain’s claw latching onto the inside of his nostril.

“Ow! That fucking hurt, Captain. What the fuck are you doing?”

Martin ran his finger across the tip of his nose and saw a smear of blood.

“Have you gone fucking mental, Captain?” Martin asked, as Captain sprung off Martin’s chest and readied himself for the next attack.

Look, I won’t deny it. Taking the piss out of humans is one of our favourite activities. But it’s actually in “the rules”, so we have no choice. But there’s a lot more to cats than that. We are the most important species on the planet, and sadly underappreciated. We’ve trained humans to provide food and lodgings and keep us amused. Do we get any credit? No. It should be taught in schools. And every cat owner needs to read “How it works: THE CAT”. In fact, Cat’s Protection should insist every potential cat servant get themselves a copy before they are given permission to provide for us.

I’m sure you’re beginning to sense how deflated I feel about this whole thing. But the only way you will fully understand, my gut-wrenching disappointment, is by reading the book. It should be out, early 2026.

[Edit] It’s now out. You can get it here: Starless & Bible Black

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• Title should be at the top - and the font is important. Although I have no idea what the font should be.

• There will be no recommendations/quotes - obviously - as no one has read my book.

• Author’s name should be at the bottom; smallish and, (probably), not in caps.

So, in no particular order, here we go:

1. Juice - Tim Winton

The Aussies are just so good at striking colours. I’ve not read this book. And to be honest - even though it sounds like my kind of book - at 528 pages, I probably wouldn’t get through it. This cover gives a pretty good idea of what the story is about.

2. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

I read this book many, many years ago - and loved it. To be honest, most of the cover designs for this book, (and there are loads), didn’t stand out. And then I spotted this one. It’s striking and “tells the story”.

3. Shy - Max Porter

I’m in two minds about this. The design is quite striking, but the colours seem a bit bland to me. Note. I’m colour-blind, so could be missing something! Also, I’m not keen on the font - but having read the first few chapters, I can see how the font “aligns” with the main character - sort of!

Colour blindness comes in various flavours. I’m red/green, which means: purple is blue; brown is green; orange is yellow; and pink is dunno! Maybe I should just go with black and white?

4. The Child In Time - Ian McEwan

Another book I’ve read - and thought was amazing. The only thing that spoils this almost perfect cover, is the big black box, top right. It probably would have worked if they’d done it for the whole length of the cover - so you had a complete vertical split. But no… I have to ask: “What were they thinking?”

5. Alien

Yeah, I know it’s not a book cover. But if ever a film poster nailed it, it’s this one. Somehow, even that spaced out title lets you know… shit is going to happen.

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OK, recipe is a bit of an exaggeration. I don’t measure stuff And I tend to throw stuff in, if I think it might work. This one did. My base point was a vegan recipe found by Googling “Beetroot Burger”. I’m veggie, but not vegan, so I didn’t bother with stupid vegan alternatives to proper cheese and eggs. And, to be honest, it looked a bit boring, so I added extra stuff in. This is what I went with:

Ingredients (roughly)

3 large(ish) raw beetroots

1/2 a large red onion. Any colour will probably be fine.

4 (or maybe 5 - can’t remember) cloves of garlic

2 green chillis

Some cheese - cheddar. About an inch. Maybe a bit more.

Some flour - I don’t know. I just sprinkled some in. About 3 tablespoons… maybe?

2 eggs

Salt & Pepper

Mixed herbs - a heaped teaspoon, maybe?

Paprika - a couple of teaspoons(ish)

A bit of vegetable oil.

Instructions

Peel the beetroot and grate. I used a food processor with one of those grating attachments. It’s the future!

Chop up the onion, garlic and chillis.

Put a splash of vegetable oil in a large pan and heat it up.

Stick the onion, garlic and chillis in for a few minutes.

Add the grated beetroot, salt, pepper, mixed herbs and paprika - and cook for about 10 (maybe 8) minutes. Keep stirring, which will mix all the ingredients up a bit.

Take off the heat and leave for a couple of mins.

Chop up the cheese, (or if you’ve got some, use grated), chuck in the pan, and give it a good stir. The cheese should melt.

Add the flour and give it another good stir. I may have put the flour in before the cheese, but I don’t think it matters.

Add the eggs and stir, stir, stir.

You should now have a sticky red mess in the pan.

Stick the oven on - around 180c.

Put some baking paper on a couple of trays.

Make burger shaped things with the sticky red mess. You’ll probably get 9 or 10.

Put in the oven and cook for 25 minutes.

I then turned the oven off and left for a further 45 minutes(ish). But that’s just me!

There good to freeze, if you want.

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[edit: I probably should have done this sooner. Here’s a link to the first post in this story:…]

Alan joined the Army as soon as he left school. Not only did it begin with an “A”, but it also meant he could go round shooting a gun. He liked guns. His father was a farmer, so guns were part and parcel to his way of life. Obviously, he couldn’t see a future in farming, as it began with an “F”. He was seventeen when he signed up - having left school a little earlier than expected. At the end of his first year of A-Levels, Alan had been called in for the “you’re wasting your time and ours” conversation. He was studying Art & Design - which he had absolutely no talent for; Ancient History - which he had no knowledge of; and Accounting - which he had no interest in. Alan had carefully chosen subjects beginning with an “A”, but it turns out knowledge and ability trump a letter of the alphabet. So it wasn’t surprising that he was booted out.

For the first couple of years, it was a dream job for Alan. Shooting guns and not having to worry about dealing with real world issues - like buying food; finding somewhere to live; having adult relationships; and generally looking after himself. But then it all went tits up. He was posted to Afghanistan. He wasn’t keen on the weather, (it was either too hot or too cold), but more importantly, he now found himself being shot at. Alan went to see his senior officer about “his problem”.

“What’s the problem soldier?” asked the officer.

“Sir. People are trying to kill me sir.”

“What people?” asked the officer.

“Well, everyone sir.”

“Everyone? Are you sure about that soldier?”

“Yes sir. One hundred percent sir.”

“Explain yourself soldier.” demanded the officer.

“Well sir. The Afghans are shooting at me and planting land-mines. And the sarge keeps sending me out to fight them. I could definitely get killed if that carries on.”

“That’s your job soldier.”

“I don’t think so sir.”

“Really? So, how have you reached that conclusion?”

“Well sir, I read the pamphlet before signing up, and it definitely didn’t mention that my job was getting myself killed. In fact it made it sound fun and exciting. So I think there’s a bit of a job description issue sir.”

“Job description issue? So what exactly were you hoping for as a soldier, soldier?”

“Well, I’m fine with shooting at targets sir. I’m actually fine with shooting at people who are not going to shoot back. But I draw the line at risking my own life sir. That would be stupid sir. Wouldn’t it sir?”

“You seemed to have missed the whole point of what the Army is for soldier. Fighting wars is what we do. And unfortunately the enemy takes the view that: if we’re shooting at them, they are bloody well going to shoot back.”

“There’s no mention of that in the pamphlet sir.”

“I’m terribly sorry about that soldier. But I’m struggling to see what I can do. You’ll just need to get on with it. The more Afghans you can kill, the less of them there will be trying to kill you. So my advice is kill as many as you can.”

“Well, I’d like to file a complaint sir.”

“Dismissed soldier.” shouted the officer.

It turns out that there’s no category for “people are trying to kill me” in the Army complaints procedure, so Alan had to spend the next eight months avoiding getting killed by people he was trying to kill. It was a valuable lesson for Alan. And one he reminded himself of on a daily basis: “You can’t be too careful when your job is killing people. They don’t take too kindly to it.”

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As I mentioned previously, before “becoming an author”, Alan had faced many challenges whilst “being an architect”. Mostly, because he knew sod all about architecture. No. Author was definitely a much better fit. It allowed vagueness and flexibility and required no level of expertise - in anything. And most importantly, it began with the letter “A”.

On one occasion, back in the late 00s, his then girlfriend, (who is still alive), dragged him to a party at her her sister’s house. The sister, Beth, and her husband, Kevin {surname withheld} were celebrating the imminent arrival of their first child. Kevin, a brickie (bricklayer for those not in the trade), had an O’Level in Technical Drawing, and thought he knew a thing or two about architecture. He cornered Alan and insisted on droning on about arcs, quadrants, conic sections, and a whole bunch of other stuff that meant nothing to Alan. And to be frank, bored the shit out of him.

Alan tried to move the conversation on - with questions like: “Is it a boy or a girl?” But no… all Kevin wanted to talk about was: orientation, relationship of rooms, positioning of walls, and so on. There was only one thing for it. And when Kevin invited Alan out to the back garden, to see some of his handy-work, Alan jumped at the opportunity. He caved Kevin’s skull in with a brick - without any appreciation of the irony. It was all very quick, clean and simple - even if it was the first time Alan had killed someone for personal reasons, rather than money. And Alan was impressed with the effectiveness of a brick to the head. He made a mental note: “if all else fails, a brick can be pretty handy”.

No one missed Kevin for the rest of the night. Not even his pregnant wife - who seemed to be hitting it off with one of Kevin’s colleagues, a sparky (electrician for those not in the trade), by the name of Ross.

Alan often thought about that child, coming into the world without his/her father. And concluded it was a job well done. No child should be brought up by a father like Kevin, and have the shit bored out of them. He also thought about Ross now and again. After getting caught shagging Beth the night of Kevin’s demise, he became the prime suspect in Kevin’s murder. The police, convinced they “had their man”, failed to investigate any other avenues. He spent eighteen months in prison, awaiting trial, before the case was dropped for lack of evidence. The brick had left the scene in Alan’s duffle-bag, and found it’s way into the local tip a few weeks later. Even when Alan was committing spur-of-the-moment-murders, he was attentive to the details.

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Alan {surname withheld, for reasons that will become obvious shortly} had decided to become an author. He’d always had a compulsion to do jobs beginning with “A”, and — despite being dyslexic — he was pretty sure author began with an “A”. It wasn’t just the first letter though. On his last job, he’d met author Keith {again surname withheld} and spent many hours with him, before killing him.

It struck him - before he struck Keith - that there was quite a skills overlap between author and assassin. So it made perfect sense - to Alan - to consider it an obvious transition. Alan had befriended Keith two weeks before the “falling out of a window accident” and - during their many long chats - Alan had been impressed with Keith’s approach to his job.

Keith was meticulous. He would spend hours on one sentence. He would run a sentence past someone; change a word; and then run it past them again. And then change it back again! Alan was also meticulous. He found it paid off when you killed people for a living.

Keith had excellent attention to detail. He would spend hours considering whether a comma, semi-colon, dash, or em-dash was the appropriate punctuation. Alan had also found attention to detail was invaluable when killing people.

Keith was observant. He carried a notebook with him and was constantly writing down things that he’d observed. Two old ladies chatting in a cafe; a dead badger on the roadside; the shape of someone’s nose, were all things Keith noted down as possible source material for his next novel. Keith also took lots of pictures - but never of cats. That was too cliche. Alan also made notes and took pictures. Usually recording the precise location - and coverage - of CCTV cameras.

Keith did his research. If he was writing a story about a Romanian traveller, he would spend weeks with Pikeys - learning about their culture; their motivation; the challenges they faced; and how that had changed them as a person. Character progression was important to Keith. He would also note down every nuance of their speech patterns. If he was alive today, Keith would happily concede he was OCD when it came to dialogue. Alan also did his research. He had followed Keith for over two weeks before sitting at Keith’s usual table; in his regular haunt, (a cafe on High Street); reading one of Keith’s favourite books - which Keith had blogged about.

Alan liked Keith, and if it wasn’t for the “25 big ones” he was being paid by Belarus, he probably wouldn’t have killed him. But… a job’s a job; beggars can’t be choosers; who was he to judge; {insert more convenient excuses here}. And let’s face it, Keith was definitely going to die at some point. That’s an undeniable fact. On top of that - after “dilly-dallying for two weeks”, as his handler put it - he had been told the job would be given to Roger if he didn’t get cracking. There was no way he was going to let Roger get his foot in the door of the authoritarian regime meal-ticket.

So, after over a decade of telling people that he was an architect - which presented many challenges, as he knew sod all about architecture - Alan decided he would “be” an author from now on. He never did find out what Keith had done to upset the Belarus authorities, but he knew they could be quite sensitive about criticism.

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There are three different ways of looking at a book:

• as a reader

• as a writer

• as an editor.

OK, that might be an over-simplification - although I can’t think of any others. I’m going to continue to over-simplify/generalise and suggest that readers and editors are at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to how they judge a book. Particularly when it comes to grammar, punctuation, tense, and (maybe even), format. I didn’t include spelling, because that has almost become a non-issue - unless you are still using a typewriter. I say “almost”, because the English language is full of opportunities to get it wrong. e.g. there/their, your/you’re, male/mail, break/brake, etc. But usually, your favourite word-processor is not going to let you get much wrong.

So what got me going on this?

Above, is the second paragraph of my first attempt at a novel. And as you can see it’s full of editorial markings. I’ll be honest… I was shocked. I have no illusions about being a literary genius, but would consider myself well-read. But what those markings demonstrate, is the gulf between reader and editor. And it got me thinking: does the reader care about, (or even notice), the errors highlighted by the editor? You see… I don’t think so. For instance, would you notice that a dash had been used when an em-dash was the correct punctuation? How many readers actually even know about the dash/em-dash distinction? Let’s look at the last two sentences from above:

My original version:

The Universe - and theories about how it got here - is not something that rests easily with him. It just seems too… big; too complicated; too unfathomable.

Editor’s version:

The Universe — and theories about how it got here — is not something that rests easily with him. It just seems too… big, too complicated, too unfathomable.

The dashes have been replaced with em-dashes and the semicolons, (yes… I have dared to use semicolons), have been replaced with commas. Would a reader throw the book out of the window if they encountered the original version? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t give a shit. I’ll be honest. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as an em-dash until a week ago. I’ve skimmed through a few of my favourite books - and yeah - they seem to use em-dashes. But is that down to improving readability? Or is it some editor’s punctuation fetish? Dunno!

So back to my three different views:

• The reader is looking for a good story; probably decent pacing; with interesting characters. Yeah I know there’s more to it than that. Genre and style play a part - and, for some, maybe even the picture on the front!

• The writer should, (surely?) be aiming to please the reader. And I’m not sure the minutia of punctuation, grammar and tense are going to make that much difference. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a serial DNFer. If I spot a “repeating author glitch”, I’m done. The distraction of the glitch weighs too heavily. Has misuse of a dash or semicolon ever troubled me? No. But here’s the “but”. An author needs to get published before they can please the reader - and…

• The editor is the person that could make the difference between your novel sitting on your hard-drive and sitting on the shelf of a book-shop. Well, that’s how it used to work.

Self-publishing is now an increasingly viable option - and one that could result in a better return for the author. The author also retains full rights to their work by going the self-publishing route. And does not have to satisfy any pre-conceived “template view” of a publisher. Does that mean an author no longer needs an editor? I think it depends. I’m a novice. Writing my first novel has been a huge learning-curve - and an editor can help an awful lot with that learning. Also, an editor can give valuable beta-reader feedback. And that is essential. So yes, I will be using an editor/beta-reader, before I dare to publish.

If you read books on a regular basis, I would love to hear your thoughts on em-dashes and other “rules of writing”. Is there a book that you couldn’t finish, because the author didn’t stick to “the rules”?

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