To start off, the biggest of thank-yous to my dad, who said he'd pay for a ticket for me and my spouse to attend a game in Philadelphia. These things were not cheap, and while they weren't 5 grand each, they weren't nothing. Thank you so much, I will never forget this, and neither will you, because I'll keep talking about it forever.

In order to make this happen, two specific things needed to happen - the World Cup had to be here and Philadelphia needed to get some games. Canada-US-Mexico hosts, Philadelphia got some games. When they announced that Philly would have games, I announced to anyone who would listen that I would be attending a game regardless of which teams were playing; the matchup could have been Vatican City v Antarctica and I would have tried to go. The football gods chose to bless me, though, and gave Philadelphia several games, including a group stage game of Croatia v Ghana. Luka Modric, one of my all-time favorites, plays for Croatia, and I generally cheer for them, and Ghana is just a really cool team, so I was beyond psyched.

It ruled. I was correct to be psyched. It was easily the best sports thing I've ever been a part of. The rest of the crowd agreed, it was at least 98 percent cheering.

Cheers

1. The fans

   Everyone was so flippin nice. Everyone. Croatia fans were nice. Ghana fans were nice. People who were just there to watch the soccer were nice. Kids were nice. Adults were nice. The staff was nice. The completely inundated merch booth folks were nice. Everyone offered to take pictures, regardless of which team you were supporting. Everyone cheered their own teams when something good happened, but no one was a jerk when the other team did well.

   Some of this was likely because both Croatia and Ghana were likely to go through to the knockout rounds, and of course it's easier to be nice when both of your teams are moving forward. But people were friendly! They were so excited to be there and to be watching soccer and oh my goodness oh my goodness look at the SOCCER.

2. The venue

   I really loved that the US could argue for World Cup candidacy based on the fact that we have about three million stadiums that could handle a World Cup game. We are expert-level at having big places for lots of people to yell at a field. I paid for parking, I got there, I scanned my pass, I parked my car, I waved to everybody tailgating. It was easy to get into the stadium and easy to get out. It's a lot of people, but we're good at that! Public transit is a different question but I was worried we'd get home at like, midnight. We got home at 8:30.

3. The merch

   A lot of it was heavily FIFA-themed, which of course it was, the organization is the Mob but bigger and worse, but a lot of stuff was really cool! I liked that they did a scarf for every match, and yes I bought one. Got a hat. Spouse got a hat. Got my dad a hat. Even the FIFA merch looked cool; they made a lot of stuff specific to the cities hosting the games. They made a cool pin for each match too!

   I know that this is in order to make money. I know this. The bad people love to take my money. But the stuff they made was good. Even the bag they gave out to carry things was a nice sturdy one that I'll use for groceries or my Italy national team tears. It's waterproof.

4. The game

   EEEEEEEEEE

   SOCCER

   FOOTBALL

   GOOOOOOOOAAAAALLL

   Everybody including/especially me was just losing it the whole game. I am not insulting other sports or calling them boring (I love baseball with my whole heart) but there is something to be said for 90 minutes plus stoppage time of go go go. Something could happen every second, any second. The game ended 2-1 Croatia, so this wasn't a genuine soccer struggle (and I'll admit that does exist). It was a really good game, stuff happened, I would have enjoyed it sitting on my couch at home, but I got to see it IN PERSON with my EYEBALLS I saw Luka Modric become the oldest player to record an assist in World Cup history in PERSON with a bunch of people AS EXCITED AS ME. Do you know how that feels??? You probably do but like, turn up the joy to infinity, maybe?

5. Kids on the Jumbotron

   Tiny kids in Croatia jerseys, in Ghana jerseys, in US national team jerseys, in Philadelphia gear, in whatever their parents were willing to sacrifice to ketchup, dancing their hearts out. Sports are amazing, and I want to be able to bottle the elation on a kid’s face when they realize they're on the big screen.

Boos

1. The weather? kinda?

   It rained basically all the way up to the start of the game, so I wore a rain jacket in that got pretty soaked and then a poncho that got less soaked and that I took off because I was cooking inside like an Italian hero. It could have been a blizzard, it could have been a rogue wave coming up from the Delaware River, I would have stayed and had a great time. The game was at 5 PM in late June. It could have been a hundred degrees. It took slightly more planning and poncho wrangling, I lived.

2. Prices

   Yes everything was a kajillion dollars see above re: tickets. Parking was twice as much as it is for a Philadelphia team game. Of course merch was bonkers. Of course some chicken tenders and fries required a lobe of my liver as collateral (if I recycled my water bottle I got it back). They let you bring in a factory-sealed bottle of water, which we both did, but that wasn't enough so liver it was. If you ordered a beer, it came in a collectible cup, that you were I guess supposed to carry around with you.

   The 2026 FIFA Men's World Cup is not a continuing expense in my budget. This was very much a once-in-a-liftetime thing. I am saying this to myself in a mirror right now to justify my spending.

   They did give you a little lanyard with a card attached at the end as part of the FIFA Fan Experience, and that was free. It's great because I get to feel like a 10th grader wearing my ID to class when I put it on. They called it a “collectible” on the FAQ on the ticket app, and I'll decide what's a collectible, okay? Anything is a collectible if you're dedicated and good at avoiding criminal charges.

   The thing is hanging in my office at work, I did in fact collect it, you got me there, Gianni Infantino

3. Hydration breaks

   These were bad and those who decided to put them in should feel bad. They made a game comprised of two halves into four quarters in order to sell ads and things at the stadium. It had nothing to do with player well-being, it changed the momentum of every game, and the whole stadium booed loudly when they were announced. I was so happy. I was SO happy. A sporting event where both sides are booing the same thing? Doesn't get better than that. Let's hate stuff together.

4. Alexi Lalas

   He wasn't there and I didn't hear him he's just the worst and I want to make sure everyone understands my position on him

I mean, come on, there were several cats at the vet in this category, and that one dog who can hold up his paw and pretend to be hurt, and I had to beat them?? There's no way!

But I do really appreciate the Academy recognizing that comedic roles are just as challenging as dramatic roles. While I may have yelped and cried that Saturday morning, especially when I was being placed in the car, I was able to really lock in once I got into the vet’s office. I walked normally up to the front door, tail wagging, and smiled at the front desk; they must have thought I was there for a well visit!

I think I know which scene got people considering the Oscar - when the vet came in. He looked at every one of my paws, checked my back for soreness, and even had me walk up and down the hallway, when I broke into a little trot! I didn't react once, I was so locked in. The vet mentioned that my skin tensed on my back around a couple vertebrae, but that could have just been an itch. That performance alone earned me my first accolade in this awards season, and I capped it off by walking calmly to the car and letting my parents lift me into the backseat without yelping. My mom carried my award (NSAIDs and a muscle relaxant).

I love my awards, I got them with peanut butter, and I'm just so grateful.

There is a section in my movie where I'm not on-screen, but I'm so proud of the work that my stunt coordinator did with me. I was walking in the backyard and lying in the grass, but as you saw, I jumped up weirdly and yelped again! I tried to chase a squirrel and yelped more! And that night, even after more awards and peanut butter, I paced around the whole time, never once lying down. The Golden Globes weren't sure whether to place my performance in the Drama or Comedy/Musical category. My mom only got about 2 hours of sleep that night!

Based on my work the next morning, my team argued really strongly for the Comedy category, and I agree with them all the way. I went in the car to my second urgent appointment in 48 hours, and I walked up to the front door all happy again. We wanted the audience to recall how smiley I was when I was at the vet only 2 days before.

The moment I cemented my win had to be when the vet saw me, and you all remember why - it was the same vet as two days before! I was happy and smiley and tail-waggy and didn't react at all, and now this was the second time this same vet had seen me! Not one yelp! No reaction except that same skin twinge, and I was happy to walk up and down the hall again; I'd been here before! They said they noticed some front leg stiffness while I walked, but an actress is always trying to perfect her craft, and I promise the audience that I'll do even better next time.

My mom set me up perfectly for this grand finale; she was almost crying with big dark circles under her eyes, but I heard her laugh, so she must have been enjoying my performance, too. The laugh sounded a little bit like crying, though? Anyway, I love you mom! She called me “you little jerk dog” and isn't that such a cute nickname?

I got even more awards to take home, and these were the best awards yet: more peanut butter, and a pain reliever that I’ve had before when I had my surgery last year - yum! And my fellow nominees will know what I did when I got home, because we all do it - I wandered around restlessly for an hour refusing to lie down even after the meds kicked in, then fell into a shallow sleep for a few hours while my mom watched me and panicked and texted the vet’s office. I'm not a character actor, so I didn't feel the need to keep the act on at home, and it's really fun to scare my mom. I get awards!

And I hear the music trying to play me off and I understand, this has been going on for a while, but I had some of my meds right before this so I'm having a good time. I want to thank the vet, the bed I jumped onto, gabapentin, the grass out back for being warm, walkies, and peanut butter. I couldn't ask for a better set of friends.

There's a sequel planned for next year but my mom says I can't do it

Egg doing training with Thunder is precious. Dunk trying to mime a goose egg being laid. The sandwiches they made with the goose eggs and a loaf of bread that I would have destroyed. I don't even eat eggs and that pan still looked delicious. Bonding, friendship, Dunk trying his best to be a good mentor to his tiny son/friend/brother/annoyance.

Peter Claffey and Dexter Sol Ansell, Dunk and Egg respectively, thank you for your work, thank you for everything. You really couldn't be doing a better job, other than being as young as you are (pro tip if you're in your late 30s don't look up how old adult actors are you will feel as old as time). Obviously they need to be good, or the show doesn't work, but they are doing everything I could hope for and I just really appreciate it. The little clips of the two of them cheering at the railings for the jousts are making me so happy! Also, a side note: imagine being behind Dunk for the tourney, like you're at a concert and the tallest guy in the world is up against the stage and then he picks up a kid and puts him on his shoulders because no you don't get to see, actually.

Like my Thrones reviews used to do, I'm going to break down stuff into groups, because I myself am a lunk, thick as a castle wall, and will not be able to finish a thought. Stuff not in the novella, stuff that IS in the novella, the big reveal, sound good?

Stuff not in the novella

There's a good chunk of this episode that isn't in it, and I actually really like what they're doing. Plummer offering a sort-of fix to a joust to Dunk and phrasing it as “you'd only be doing what you plan to do” is a very interesting little bit of plotting! It's a good way to complicate the whole situation, even if I don't totally understand how it needs to be a fix. Maybe Ashford’s son still needs to concede in a way that he stays safe? But still, a great thing to make Dunk consider - do you challenge when you're guaranteed a win? Especially when you really need that win?

Ser Lyonel Baratheon is in the show about 99% more than he is in the book, and it's great. It's a great decision and it continues to pay off, I am not sick of him, I am loving seeing Tyrion Lannister without trauma, I am loving seeing a Baratheon without disproportionate reactions to the women in their lives. I'm loving seeing an actor in his early 40s oh God that's me very soon I'm not the youths anymore oh no oh dear my hair even looks like his there's so much gray in it ALL HAIL SER LYONEL THE LAUGHING STORM no I'm fine leave me alone

This is a little bit of not much, but these shows have consistently done amazingly with their in-world music choices. Egg’s little inappropriate song is delightful, works perfectly in the moment, and if you're a big dork and you care (me, it's me) the song covers past conflicts in Westeros and it's just really cool okay? Yes, I'm still processing Podrick singing “Jenny’s Song” in season 8, in 2019. I will not be taking any questions at this time.

Stuff in the novella

Aerion. My goodness gracious me, show, you nailed it. The armor??? Did you guys all see the armor???? All the awards, all the medals, I would wear it to go get brunch at the diner if it were made for me. I am pretty sure I gasped when he came on-screen. The styling for the character is really good all around: I jokingly called it “TEMU Eddie Redmayne” and I did mean it and I do mean it but it's a compliment. I'm not insulting the actor, I'm saying that there's a quiet and weird intensity to this freak and I approve. The gods flip a coin.

The tilt where Aerion kills his opponent’s horse is just as horrible in the book, and they really did it justice. I knew it was coming, I watched through my fingers, and I still hated it very very much.

Dunk’s read on the situation is the same as the book, and Egg’s reaction is very close, but I actually didn't particularly like the crowd rushing to call Aerion a cheat. I went back into the book, and Dunk’s narration says that the crowd rushed forward to free Ser Humfrey since he's crushed under his horse, but it just doesn't really work as well to have them all call him a cheat or a killer. It makes Dunk’s reluctance to say that Aerion killed the horse on purpose very strange to hear - “would a prince really do that on purpose?” is less of a real thought when the whole tourney is saying yes.

I love Raymun Fossoway with all my heart. He is the most “some guy in a pub” of all time, and I can make out one out of every fourteen or so words that he says. I actually do okay understanding everyone else, which is not common for me with TV these days, but that poor boy’s dialogue makes me feel like I've had a recent concussion and woke up in the English midlands a thousand years ago. We love a lad who shares strong opinions way too early in a friendship! Ilu Raymun never change I mean it

Big reveal

Big reveal! They did it!!! What's “Egg” short for, everybody???? It's AEGON

This is also very much in the book, this is when the reveal happens, but I don't know what it's like to have the reveal actually hit when read - I spent too much time in this universe and knew who Egg was before I started reading it.

My spouse had a good guess about the slightly smaller reveal, which is that Dunk is for sure going to try to protect Tanselle. I'm wondering if that seemed like a natural story progression to anyone else, too! He did get surprised by the Egg reveal, and then looped it back to the fortune teller.

They pulled the dialogue from the book almost verbatim, but you know what sounds even more emotional out loud? Dunk calling Egg stupid, telling him to run away, because they'll hurt him. I still haven't figured out why it hit me so much harder hearing it than reading it, but it did.

By the Seven I still really like this show, folks. What is this feeling. I'm not angry at two white guys for saying that Dany forgot about the Iron Fleet. Nobody made me listen to Jaime Lannister say that he doesn't care about the common folk. There's no Meereenese knot, I don't have to care about the next book never coming out, I'm not expected to manufacture positive feelings about Jorah Mormont. I am just watching two nice boys do their best. I want 100 hours of this, but I'll settle for 6 episodes.

As in every previous “Thrones” review, I won't do book spoilers, but I will assume you're familiar with the original show, which I think is fair? Like I'm trying to picture the kind of person who starts the Westeros cinematic extended universe with this series and you know what? Go in peace.

If you're not familiar with my whole deal, here it is: I am a smug book reader; I watched all 8 seasons of “Game of Thrones,” I am still mad about how it ended and I'll probably stay that way forever; I still think the whole thing was worth watching and when it was good it was the best thing on television.

I have read Fire and Blood and I'm a season behind on “House of the Dragon” because as cool as the plot is on that one, literally everyone is a bad person, and I'm delicate at the current moment.

That brings us to the current show: “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms.” George R. R. Martin wrote 3 novellas over the years described as the “Dunk and Egg” books. They are in the same universe and take place about a hundred years before the start of the main show. There's no POV-switching, and the adventures are inherently more limited in scope. I zoomed through “The Hedge Knight,” the first novella, in about 90 minutes, and I did this the day before the first episode landed. I knew who the characters were in the sense of the world-building GRRM has done and the amount of time over the past 15 years I've spent looking stuff up on the wiki, but I hadn't read them before.

You should read the first novella and you should watch the show. I'm not trolling you and I haven't been hit in the head, I promise.

“Dunk” is Ser Duncan the Tall, and “Egg” is his squire, and they are probably as close to sweethearts as you can get in Westeros. This first season sets Dunk up burying the knight who trained him, and trying to figure out what to do next. He is big, he is pretty good at fighting, he's a nobody plucked from Flea Bottom by his knight, and he's not smart. I mean that in the nicest sense - he's not slick or cool and his self-preservation instincts are not reaching their potential. A big sweetie trying his best. Egg is a kid with sass for days, and he's a little sweetie trying his best.

You know those videos on YouTube when an elephant has a best friend that's a duck? That's their vibe, that's their energy.

The first season is the first book, to my understanding. They're making 6 episodes, and they're 30-40 minutes each. This is just a little show, just an appetizer on the all-you-can-stomach buffet that is A Song of Ice and Fire. The first two episodes are tracking how people bump into each other during their lives, and a tourney is the setting - Dunk wants in, Egg wants to be his squire.

“Okay so why should I watch this?” I hear you, I see your traumatized looks hearing the word “Targaryen” or “Ser” or probably “seven,” we really all went through it at the end of that show. And I cannot promise that you'll love this, I can't even promise that you'll like it, but I can promise that it's not going to give you a sick feeling in your stomach and heart. You might not be able to relax the whole time, but you won't have to be alert for the worst human behavior possible every other minute.

Here's an example: Dunk interacts with two noble cousins, one of whom suggests he follow him to dinner. Dunk goes in and eats and the Baratheon lord calls him to the head of the tent once the dancing starts. Dunk says he's there to eat. Lord finds that funny. They both have fun dancing, then they drink and talk, and Dunk goes back to his horses. No one is killed, no one is maimed, and the worst injury is probably a hangover. The audience does not need to watch every powerful character every second of the episode to see if they'll be psychopath-coded and just stab a guy for being in their way. The worst thing that's happened to Dunk so far is that he's gotten insulted.

Stuff will happen! There's going to be violence, and there's going to be moments that hurt. I can't in good conscience say that it will be nice the whole way through, and if they stick to the book there’s some tough stuff ahead. But if the show continues on the way it has so far, I'm going to be very happy that I watched it. Dunk is not perfect, he's not wholesome or unproblematic, but he is someone you can cheer for. And even more importantly, the world he's walking around in is not doing some kind of weird shock-value horrors every second to show off. People can go to dinner. People can have conversations. People can pay money for goods and services and then receive the goods and services. Not everything is bleak. Things can be sad, things can be tragic, things can be cruel, things can be dark, but they are threads in a small woven table coaster. Not a tapestry, since the tale is too small, but maybe a small woven coaster, or something. Brienne and Pod energy. The good parts of Thrones.

Plus, for consistency, the second episode decided to put the opening joust at night! No one can see anything! Not the knights, not the crowd, and certainly not us, the audience. How would we recognize a Thrones spin-off if we could see stuff? No, I want my adjacent media to have a lighting budget of five electric tea candles and a three-wick from Bath and Body Works. That's how I feel at home.

There are gross-out gags in the first couple minutes of episodes 1 and 2, and while I appreciate the showrunners setting the stage and lowering expectations, they could do this in a different way and this is my formal request that they do, actually!!!

A specific shout-out to the actors playing Dunk and Egg (Peter Claffey and Dexter Sol Ansell), because the show doesn't work without them, and they're perfect.

It's so good that Hallmark magic managed to make a reality show kind and genuine, and it’s been a highlight of the season to enjoy “Finding Mr. Christmas,” a show looking to find the next Hallmark holiday star.

This is the second season of the show, but last year Hallmark only put the show on their fancy app, Hallmark +, and I couldn't watch it. This year it was on the regular channel and I've decided that I made it happen by thinking “I really wish this was on the regular channel!” once every 2 hours last November. It's a weekly hour-long show and the finale was this past Monday, and the winner got to film a part for a movie airing this season.

The show is sweethearts. It's sweethearts, top to bottom. The host is sweetheart Jonathan Bennett, of Aaron Samuels "Mean Girls” fame, but if you haven't kept up with him, he's more well-known with Hallmark at this point. The other judge is Melissa Peterman, an actress in a number of Hallmark movies who is a very funny sweetheart. The guests each week are mostly other Hallmark leading ladies sweethearts who are there to film scenes with them, and sometimes there are fans involved as well.

The contestants? The most sweethearts. They start with 10 guys in the first episode, and they are all comedically classically handsome, to the point of bursting out laughing when you see all of them together. There's a pretty wide range of experience levels for acting - some of them are brand new to it and others have been doing this for a decade. Some are models, like legitimately they do modeling and of course they do, because probably every person they've ever come across has asked them “do you model?” Some are youths (i.e. much younger than me) and some are mid- to late-thirties, married, with kids. They're a pretty diverse group across a lot of categories and their uniting factor is that they're all sweeties.

The show’s structure is also a sweetheart. This is a stretch of a description and I'm sticking with it, do not yell at me about it or I will sic all of the contestants on you.

Each episode is broken into two main parts: the Festive Face-off and the Star Quality Challenge. The Festive Face-off is some of the goofiest stuff you'll ever see in your life and these guys treat them like it's the Olympics. Throughout the show, they have been asked to personalize a Santa outfit and build a gingerbread house, which are normal, and then also run up and down a “snow-covered” slippery hill to get big candy canes in a bucket. They had one with a gift slingshot to get presents into a sleigh. They had one where they put the guys into those big inflatable hamster balls and told them to go mow down foam Christmas trees.

My personal favorite Festive Face-off was an obstacle course in a big room where the contestants got dinged every time they made a sound while trying to get Santa’s bag of presents under the tree. Watching a bunch of very handsome and confident guys start laughing about stepping on a squeaky rubber chicken under a layer of fake snow needs to win an Emmy for Best Comedy Sounds or something. I rewatched it several times.

The winner of the Face-off gets a bonus for the rest of the episode, and the bonuses range from getting to observe the other guys filming their scenes to actual immunity that they can keep or give away. Definitely some important stuff, but the Star Quality Challenge is the big time.

It's mostly actual acting challenges, but they do have one talent show and one photoshoot. This is the more practical aspects of the show, because of course the winner needs to do well on camera. They shoot comedy scenes, they shoot scenes on a ski slope, and the scenes get longer and longer with more dialogue. They're allowed to riff a bit, and they will sometimes get multiple rounds to do them. Jonathan Bennett and Melisa Peterman will offer comments to the audience both during the scenes and after, and I don't know anything but they sound like they know what they're talking about! Even the criticisms are layered in like a compliment sandwich, and I am dumb and susceptible to this structure, so I find it charming.

The judging is at the end, and they award a “Shining Star” each week to the best guy. There is a bottom two, Top-Model style, and they both step forward and one gets sent home. Even the elimination is kind, somehow - they have to take their personalized stocking off of the mantel in the house, and Jonathan says “you're going home for the holidays” in the gentlest tone. The final sign off he gives to the eliminated guy is “we can't wait to see what you'll do next,” and like???? Come on!!! That's so kind! The guys all give him a hug and he does his little confessional-style interview where he talks about how grateful he is.

There's no way this isn't at least a little scripted. It's very possible that the whole show is decided from day 1. I don't know if they actually all live in that house. The whole thing is sponsored by Balsam Hill, to the point of one Star Quality Challenge being a commercial for Balsam Hill.

I don't care at all because the show is ten handsome dorks being kind to each other, and I'd watch 80 seasons of this.

They're so nice. They're just so nice. If there is a Festive Face-off team win, they celebrate like they just won a Super Bowl. They ask each other (definitely producer-fed) questions about their hopes and dreams. They sit around the fire pit with coffee and chat. They compliment each other on their skills. They all cry when a contestant is eliminated, and they do big hugs after the elimination. The worst thing I heard any of them say to each other is “why do you all have to be so good??” in an expression of worry.

There is one episode towards the end where the Festive Face-off is writing a card to their moms for Christmas, and after they are done, surprise, the moms are there and the guys read the moms the cards they wrote. Everyone is crying the whole time, guys, moms, Jonathan and Melissa, me, fans around the world. Wondering who won the Face-off? Good catch, and it's everyone, everybody won, and the prize is that they got to run lines with their moms.

And they're all so freaking sincere that I got overwhelmed at least once every episode. No, of course I don't know that they're sincere, but no one is rolling their eyes or looking embarrassed at the tasks, or looking happy to see a contestant leave. The first guy eliminated is a former pro football player, and after he's eliminated and gets a hug from everyone, he says in his confessional, tearfully, that he hasn't had a comraderie with other guys since he was playing, and that it felt so good to be on a team like that again. My favorite contestant, a jokester from Long Island, has a bit of a comedy wall up for the first few episodes, kills it in a scene in a group, and when he gets named that week’s Shining Star, he starts crying, and says “dude, I thought I was *gone.* You audition, and you audition, and you don't… “ and thanks Jonathan for picking him.

Not sold yet? Let me bring in the biggest gun.

There is one contestant named Angel, and he's his name. He was born in Venezuela and came to the States as a kid. He talks about how hard his mom worked to give him opportunities. He wears a little crucifix on a chain the whole show. He messes with the other guys about calling football “soccer.” He approaches everything with a child-like, wide-eyed wonder. He does really well on the show.

In the Festive Face-off that involves running up and down that slippery hill, he manages to get all of his candy canes in the bucket first (at least half the guys do not make it back up that hill even once). His prize? Immunity from elimination. He can keep it or give it to another contestant.

This episode takes the guys into a talent show with an audience and judges that are described as “Hallmark Super Fans.” They ask the contestants interview questions after the talent portion, and they ask Robbie (the one gay contestant, which is disclosed by Robbie and then isn't brought up as something weird, which is great!) if there is anything he regrets. He talks about hearing from his mom about a health episode, offering to visit, and his mom saying no, that she was fine and he didn't need to come. He says that about a week later she fell into a coma and did not wake up, and his regret is that he didn't go to see her even though she told him not to. There is not a dry eye in the house, the other contestants included.

They get to the elimination, and Jonathan asks Angel what he wants to do with his immunity. He starts off with “I have thought a lot about this immunity, and… Mr. Christmas is not selfish.” He goes on to gift the immunity to Robbie, because he felt a connection to him so strongly because the story Robbie told reminded him of losing his dad. He wants to make sure Robbie stays.

Robbie is overwhelmed and crying a little with Angel now. Jonathan then announces the Shining Star for the week, and it's… Robbie. Didn't need the immunity. He was open and vulnerable in answering the question and his talent was several bits of stand-up comedy, some of which mocked Jonathan. He did amazing.

Angel isn't even mad. In his confessional interview he says “oh no, what have I done!” but not because he's mad at giving away the immunity to someone else, just because Robbie didn't need it. Angel and Robbie hug so hard and they are both crying. Angel makes it to the next round, don't worry.

Mr. Christmas is not selfish. Mr. Christmas is dudes rock. Mr. Christmas has friends. Mr. Christmas has nine new best friends. Mr. Christmas has a reunion special that I'm taping, and I'm going to watch the movie he's in.

And my Long Island kid that I love so much? His personalized Santa in episode one is “Santini,” the New York Santa Claus. He does the accent, there's a fake pizza on the suit.

Sweethearts, top to bottom. Bless this show.

• What I want: a bath sheet (I know this is unreasonable, but if you don't already have them you should get them), a hand towel, a washcloth; a mat so I don't slip and fall; a hook to hang the big one

• What the hotel thinks I want: 16 bath towels, 24 hand towels, 50 washcloths; a mat so I don't slip and fall and then it's like, a whole thing; a hook??? absolutely not, leave your towel on the floor, preferably in the shower itself, just maximum mildew please

Bathroom fan

• What I want: one please

• What the hotel thinks I want: no

Curtains

• What I want: it would be good if I could block out most of the light, and that no one could see in, and it's fun when I get to use that little stick thing to close them

• What the hotel thinks I want: bottom of a black hole, the Eternal Night; you know when that meteor hit and killed the dinosaurs, like, at least that dark; if you wake up before 1:30 PM the curtains have failed; also a little stick thing to close them

Personalization

• What I want: I am nothing, I am nobody, don't look at me; the best thing ever is when I get to check out just by leaving a key at the front desk

• What the hotel thinks I want: Welcome: CHRISTINA ::you have visited us FOUR THOUSAND POINTS:: we APPRECIATE your LOYALTY and your NAME IS ON THE TV SCREEN please ENJOY these complimentary CHOCOLATES

• What I want: yeah fine I'll take the chocolate

• the hotel: enjoy your ::: CHOCOLATES ::: please complete this survey about HOW WWWEEEE can SERVE. YOU. BETTER

• What I want: no no no you can have them back stop doing that voice

Glassware

• What I want: one glass, any material, if it could hold like most of a can of Polar seltzer that would be really cool; no it doesn't need a hat why are you asking if the glass needs a hat

• What the hotel thinks I want: two to four glasses, each one the size of 36 hours’ worth of mouthwash; you know we got those hats, everybody gets a hat

Sink

• What I want: please just a counter with a sink built into it, just leave everything flat, please just let the handle for the water be normal about hot and cold, we have a system that everyone understands you don't need to mess with it

• What the hotel thinks I want: introducing COLUMN, the new sink Handle Experience with no markings and no obvious hinges or joints; to enjoy COLUMN you must stare at the Experience for ten seconds and then begin your Adjusting to turn it on; the ideal Experience should take 30 to 40 seconds

• What I want: but I get that flat bathroom counter and sink right

• the hotel:

• What I want: …right?

• What the hotel thinks I want: V E SS E L

Pillows

• What I want: one, please

• What the hotel thinks I want: that's a very good joke

• What I want: no, seriously, I don't need a lot of pillows or even a big one pillow, I only use like a quarter of it

• the hotel: we'll ask the chef but I wouldn't get my hopes up

• What I want: okay if it needs to be even numbers or something it's okay if it's two pillows-

• the hotel: okay we talked to the chef, best we can do is ten pillows

• What I want: okay is one of them at least less huge than the others

• the hotel: negative, each and every pillow is shaped like an oven-toasty Totino’s pizza roll that just came from yoga

Air conditioning

• What I want: a temperature inexplicably several degrees lower than I ever cool my own home; a fan setting that does the fan noise so I get that comforting whoooossshhh the whole time

• What the hotel thinks I want: oh for sure, we understand that our guests all turn into little refrigerated freaks when they walk in, we plan for that

• What I want: that's great to hear, you know what else would be great to hear? that whoosh sound that a fan makes

• the hotel: sure thing, the fan will come on to adjust the temperature with our climate control settings; it's great, because if you want the whoosh sound or hate it you'll get what you want!

• What I want: no I want to hear it all the time, and people who don't want to ever hear it don't want to hear it sometimes, this is just bad for everyone, why would you design it that way

• the hotel: we put those little cup hats on our heads and we think it has decreased our problem-solving skills

Problem-solving skills

• What I want: do any of you know how to work the TV remote

• What the hotel thinks I want: nope

Basic human decency

• What I want: you gave me the remote, it's your remote, how do you not know how to operate it, I just want to watch some sports I don't care about and/or HGTV, I've been hitting all the buttons and I still just have the hotel channel

• What the hotel thinks I want: we're gonna be honest with you here - we ate so much of those chocolates and we no longer care if we, you, or anyone else dies

Parking

• What I want: can I get out of the garage

• What the hotel thinks I want: you want to escape, we see? you must solve our riddles three!

• the hotel: also we only counted fourteen pillows in your room after you left give us back the three you took

Before I say anything else, I just want to tell you that I'm a huge fan. No, really, I love the song, “Jagged Little Pill” is an amazing album, I've always said so, and I think you're an incredible songwriter. I've told so many other signs about the album (“Employees Only” especially loved it), and they all love “Ironic.”

And while I think “You Learn” is my favorite off of your record, the song is still really good. Who hasn't felt the way you're feeling in it? Who hasn't been caught in unexpected traffic when running late? And a fly in that nice glass of wine you're drinking? Gross, seriously, you're just trying to enjoy yourself and then that happens. The chorus is so catchy, and it's so fun to sing along.

But, and please know that I say this with all the love in my heart, and I am willing to help you with this the whole way, but have you thought about talking to someone? Like even short-term, or going to a grief group? It's just that you talk about a couple of deaths in the song and I'm worried that you haven't processed them fully. Death is always hard, even if it's someone who is ninety-eight, but a plane crash? I know your friend seemed to be pretty accepting of his fate at the end, but I really think it would be good for you to meet with someone.

Or are you the executor of one of the estates? Is it the old man who won the lottery? There are definitely lawyers and accountants that can help you with that, you don't have to put it all on you, especially since you just got married and the weather wasn't cooperating. That's a lot; I hear you. Especially since the hotel didn't tell you that they comped your shuttle ride to the venue until it was way later and then they didn't reimburse you for a while which is so annoying, I hate it when that happens. But still, you met the man of your dreams! And hey, maybe the lawyer he hired for his divorce knows someone who does estate stuff.

Sometimes, I just worry that you're so caught up in the recent challenges you've faced that you don't seem to want to help yourself. Like, this isn't to say that you could cut that bagel with a spoon rather than a knife, but if there are ten thousand of them, maybe you're looking in the wrong box, you know? Like, maybe there's another box with ten thousand knives, right? I just don't want you to give up right before the breakthrough.

I hope what you've read so far makes it clear that I care about you and your well-being, but I have something I need to get off my chest about our professional relationship.

I'm not judging you for smoking cigarettes and I really need you to know that. I hope you quit, but it's your decision and I can't make it for you, and I get how hard it is. You work very hard, and you just want to be able to relax for a minute. It's so relatable, and it's part of why people love the song so much! I get that, I do, but please try and see it from my point of view

You made me out to be the bad guy in your song and that really hurts. You made me sound like a stick in the mud, or worse, like a terrible boss policing you during your down time. Like I'm a sign that hangs in the alley behind a bar where all of the cool kids go on Fridays, scolding you when you're all trying to relax.

But Alanis, we work in a coal mine. You can't smoke in here, you really can't, and the song makes me out to be some kind of monster and I'm just trying to help. It was really hurtful of you to not include the context, and I don't appreciate being described just like that black fly in your Chardonnay because I'm trying to save your life.

And please don't try to act like you didn't know how that line comes across; you talk about “everything blowing up in your face” in the bridge right before it so do me the courtesy of not lying. I think I deserve an apology and an acknowledgement that I am giving you great advice, day in and day out.

My door is always open, and I wrote this because your friendship means a lot to me. If you need a referral my therapist is part of a pretty big practice, they've got a good reputation.

Additionally, earlier this week I had and explored the thought, “what if there was an Advent calendar of chocolate for every month?” That's just eating. I tried to invent portion control but wanted it in a complicated set of boxes. I want to have all my little treats trapped in an escape room. Could someone please send me like a dozen milk chocolate-covered caramels and I promise to shut up.

But what about the rest of you? Let's find out!

• You eat one each day, and you eat the assigned day - yeah! A classic. The original. You probably get up with your first alarm, which is your only alarm. Your morning coffee is an expected pleasant moment rather than a necessity. This was how I operated as a kid and I was better for it. Your gift shopping is done by the first week of December but you're not smug about it. Keep up the good work.

• You eat one a day, usually, but sometimes you forget a day so you double up the next day - you are perfect and lovable and you've never done anything wrong in your life. (You're me.) I do forget probably 3 or 4 of the days in December, but I don't miss what I don't remember, and with 2 calendars I got 4 chocolates the next day. Please tell me someone else does this and that I'm not a weirdo.

• You eat one a day, usually, but sometimes you choose not to let yourself have one and wait till the next day - you're doing just fine, sweetheart, we love you. And if you're doing this because you ate a huge dinner and then had different chocolate? That's how it's done let's keep that mindset.

• You eat one a day, but you don't eat the assigned day - I… okay. Is it a rebellion thing? Is it a fight against Big Advent Calendar? I'm not mad, I just think you like the chaos, and I'm scared about what that might mean for anyone in your orbit. You probably hear instructions once and don't write them down, and you do remember them, but you stress out the person who is giving you the instructions. You have to borrow pens at work but you always have candy or mints or gum and you share it generously.

• You buy the calendar late and eat the previous days to catch up - respect. You trust the process. You might be a financial genius if these got discounted and that's why you picked them up. You got all of your gifts between December 22nd and 24th, but they're somehow wrapped like you were a Macy’s flagship store employee at Christmas in the 1970s. You leave your place to get somewhere a little bit late, but your gas tank never goes below a third and you've got AAA.

• You buy the Advent calendar and immediately eat all of the days - your friend group is enormous and they all love you. There might be a faster way to do some of your bill-paying, but your process works and you're fine with it. The part that people don't realize about this is it takes work to open up all the little things you're eating, it's not just like a giant chocolate bar. You've gotta unwrap all those little things or open the little cardboard door. This takes patience and dedication. You're committed to things and you see them through. You might also be a Labrador in a home with a low kitchen counter.

• You buy the Advent calendar on time but wait to eat everything until Christmas - that's Lent, you've made a common mistake, we can talk after class

• You eat the chocolate just before its sell-by date - I swear to George Bailey of Bedford Falls, the sell-by date on one of my calendars was in twenty-twenty-SIX. 2026. If you are eating this Advent calendar in 2026 and we're not in a “The Last of Us” situation I am calling Santa. If someone has sold it to you, I am calling the police.

Enjoy your little treats, whenever and however they get to you!

Cake Week

I think I might be okay with the signature and maybe even the technical, but the showstopper would take me out. Don’t make me decorate unless it’s throwing colored sugar at something.

Biscuit Week

Oh I got this. Not no worries, but only some worries, instead of all worries. The reason here is entirely about units. Building blocks. Like I'd do okay missing one piece out of a 500-piece puzzle, or a single Lego in a huge brick wall. I’ve put Girl Scout badges on a vest; I’ve put some stuff on my office walls. Does it look good? No, but it also doesn't look wrong. A lot won't be perfect, but I'm just gonna throw biscuits at the problem until it looks better.

Plus I do have a realistic expectation of what can get done in the time, which is a combination of imposter syndrome and an almost pathological need to not rush at the end.

Bread Week

Maybe okay. “Oh, you've made bread before?” Yeah as a child, with my grandma, and we put it in a bread machine. But I really love gluten and I will be whispering to each loaf how much I love it.

There's also the part where you get to punch it and then wait, which sounds okay! My biggest concern is having to braid anything: my showstopper theme will be Drunk Octopus.

I would get the criticism that what I've made is “underproved,” because me, too. I haven't been exposed to enough difficulties and traumas and managed to overcome them. Let's go, loaves, we're gonna be in a Homer story

Chocolate Week

Not a chance. I'll be the first contestant ever to lose a week based on the judging of the signature alone. A sniper from Godiva will take me out at my bench.

Not only does Chocolate Week require finesse and specificity, it requires a comfort with warmer weather that I simply do not have. “The bakers will have to manage when the tent reaches 78 degrees?” I'm quitting before I turn an oven on. “The bakers will have to make serious use of their fridges” yeah to hold a seltzer for me to crack open when I bail out 35 minutes into the signature. Tempering? Like, I need to get to a specific degree? You only needed to watch me during one inorganic chemistry lab session to see how good I am at overshooting a temperature I'm aiming for. Is it Burned Food Week? It is now.

Pastry Week

I have made a decent shortbread before, and I'm pretty exceptional at eating pie crust before it gets into the pie. I like rolling stuff out with a rolling pin. I like making pigs in blankets by cutting Crescent Rolls® into smaller triangles and rolling them up. Nail this one for sure.

Caramel Week

Complete wild card. Could be great, could be terrible. Will definitely need to be reminded by the film crew and editing staff that I can't keep saying the names of candy that have caramel in them because there are no brands on Bake Off, stop saying Twix. Stop saying 100 Grand, no one else even eats those. That was not a request to say a more well-known candy, take a lap, come back to the tent when you can behave.

Dessert Week

This week feels like British nonsense to me - cake is a dessert.

Am I hating on it as a cover? You bet. This is the week where sometimes they make the contestants cook a thing by boiling it after tying a little string around it. They put it in a bain Marie, which I'm pretty sure is French for “sucker,” and they can't ever tell when it's done. You just have to open the top and turn it over and find out if you're giving all the boys at Harrow food poisoning.

We did not fight a war of independence for me to boil a dessert and I'd lose this week on purpose because America.

They call dessert “pudding” even when it's not pudding. Tent and country full of maniacs. You can't make me leave the tent, I've quit.

Pâtisserie Week

hahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA oh man oh boy

Mexican Week

Guaky mohlee

I'm even cool enough to call them “shows” now, instead of “concerts,” like the dweeb I was and continue to be.

In the last couple years I've managed to catch New Found Glory, Say Anything, The Used (Story of the Year opened), Taking Back Sunday, Thrice, The Wonder Years, Sum 41, and My Chemical Romance, which I only really got into after they'd broken up and seeing them live felt like a small miracle.

Notice a trend? All these shows are bands who were big in the aughts. Even if I only became a fan of them recently, I like them because I like emo and pop-punk silliness that makes me feel the spectrum of human emotion in 3 minutes and 20 seconds, a feat I was capable of as a teenager without needing any music. I enjoy the isolated emotional rollercoaster, but I've gotten too old to experience anything physically without some consequences, and so I've come up with my list of strategies for the cool-kid stuff I do twenty years later.

Earplugs

This should be a given, like, I cannot imagine I gotta sell you too hard on this. I have tinnitus from a past medication use, and if it got worse I would probably tear out my own hair, so please just listen (ha) to me and get them.

Still not sold? Have I mentioned wanting to tear out my hair? Still no? Well, they make cool music ones now! The ones I have were a recommendation from a friend before MCR, and I should probably call up the company and ask if they let you make commission. These types of earplugs are miraculous, they both take the pain-edge of the sound off and almost edit out the mess around it. It's not just quieter, it's better. I'll shut up, I promise, but they're amazing for real and you should own some and not get tinnitus and need a white noise machine or app just to exist in your office it sucks so much guys!!!!

Water

Get some water. If you're driving there leave some in your car for later, if you’re at the venue and they let you bring it in do that, if you gotta buy a bottle them’s the breaks. The sacrifices we make to stay hydrated.

You wanna yell some lyrics right? Water helps with that! It also helps with everything else in your life! You definitely sweat, you probably talked or sang or cried, and if you drank you'll definitely want some water.

I'll bring my own bottle in if they let me, and some outside places have started to have little hydration stations like we're in first grade or are horses. I'll be a horse. I'll also buy a can of Liquid Death, which has the benefit of looking like a beer can so I can be a cool kid, and the drawback of I am paying for a can of water like I'm a background character in “Waterworld.” It's refreshing, but it is also a can of *water*. Also I didn't die, so there's that.

Shoes

Not sure what I can tell you; I love my New Balances. I have two pairs. I wear them with some arch supports. The only thing keeping them from being Dad Shoes is that they're not white.

It's not always New Balances, though! Sometimes I'll wear my most recent pair of Brooks running sneakers that I've swapped out for a new pair!

“Those are still sneakers” sorry I can't hear you over the sound of my feet not hurting

Sitting

If there's reserved seating at a concert? I am in a reserved seat. I will attend a general admission show, especially if it's outside (so I can escape), but if a chair is an option the chair is my option.

A little portion of this is if you'd like to buy merch, you get a little spot to kinda hang on to it easier, and if you have a beverage, you can put it in a little cupholder.

A bigger portion of this is sitting down rules. It gives you a little square of space that is yours and no one else's. You don't have to stake out a spot on the floor or on the lawn, the venue and your ticket has done that for you.

It's been a long week and it's only Wednesday? Look at that beautiful seat that is yours for the next few hours. The opener is playing bops but you're not familiar enough to jump around? We got a seat for you and your toe tappin’. You just straight up don't particularly like people touching you at any time especially not in a crowd and especially not when it's loud and especially never oh my God don't touch me please let me just yell some lyrics and dance a little and you enjoy yourself farther away what was I talking about? Oh right, seat, sorry. Love seat, seat rules.

Maybe I've turned a rock concert experience that should Go Hard into a Sunday matinee of Vivaldi’s the Four Seasons. I'm okay with that; I'm tired and I'd go to that matinee.

Pop-punk and emo are not a phase, but a high energy level definitely was.

In between my 2-mile shuffles, I like to check in on the world of ultra running. The most common definition you'll see for an “ultra” is “longer than a marathon.” Marathon is 26.2 miles, so something like a 50K counts as an ultra.

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• 12 ounces: you're 12 years old

• 16 ounces: you got a decent night’s sleep but you swung in for a Sizzli and there's no way you're walking out without a delicious cup of what is, at least, a quarter cup flavored creamer; you make reasonable choices

• 20 ounces: the working man’s coffee size, this is the optimal cup and you know it: even if you put accoutrements into your drinks it's still gonna be a lot of coffee; it looks pretty significant when you carry it around and if 20 ounces of coffee doesn't solve your sleepies you're gonna need to go another round

• 24 ounces: I get it, I do. you're exhausted and it's so early, but this cup ends up so top-heavy, guys. it looks silly if you've got average-or-lower-sized hands, and it's gonna do something silly or dangerous in your car’s cupholder

at Wawa, iced coffee

• literally any size: yes good and correct iced coffee does not obey laws; you're perfect never let anyone tell you otherwise

• cold brew, 16 ounces: you're a scholar and you understand that when you think you want 24 ounces of hot coffee you actually want this

• cold brew, 24 ounces: you would be the one on the Olympic team who gets caught doping first even though all your teammates are doing it too

• cold brew, 32 ounces: unless you really know what you're doing probably just drive yourself to the hospital

at Dunkin, hot coffee

• small: you're at a team meeting or you're helping someone move and a Box o’ Joe was purchased

• medium: it is cold outside and you probably asked for extra extra and this is a comfort drink for you; you be kind to yourself, okay?

• large: there's tasks to be accomplished, there's roads to be traveled, you're up before the rest of your household and a burned tongue is not going to stop you, not today, not ever

• extra-large: you're an Affleck

at Dunkin, iced coffee

• small: what's it like to be one of the gods’ chosen? when the rest of us need a running start to get out of bed, what’s it like to be born on an airport's moving sidewalk? oh, you “don't need an alarm clock, I just get up at 5:30 naturally?” unless this is a little afternoon bonus because in that case you enjoy you have earned it (you are me)

• medium: you might be trying out a new flavor! you might be using a reward from the app! you might not want to carry a large! you might be healthy and well-adjusted and have a reasonable relationship with caffeine! or you might be drinking your 4th/5th serving of coffee for the day and the little bit of French vanilla flavor in your cup is keeping you from throwing your laptop out the window! you contain multitudes!

• large: you're the most normal human to ever have lived

at Starbucks, hot or iced

• literally anything: you get yourself a little treat, you hear me? you work SO hard and you are not appreciated enough and you deserve something nice

• is it your birthday? I hope it's your birthday, get your drink with some extras, get some whipped cream, you are a sweetie and a little treat is the least the world can give you

any non-chain coffee place, hot

• smaller size: you just looked at your bank account

• larger size: you have not looked at your bank account

any non-chain coffee place, iced

• they only have one size: if you order an espresso shot to be added you are not phased by adversity; if you specify to not add any ice you work smarter not harder; if you specify to not leave room for milk you are enough; if you start tearing up and panic like I get it but also there's a line and I have a headache and you gotta be prepared for things to not go your way sometimes okay

• they have more than one size: try ordering “what's the largest size you have?” if you've never done it before; it's so freeing to be truly yourself

I’m okay now and the only residual thing has been a bit of brain fog and tiredness, but in fairness to COVID, I’m pretty stupid a lot and very tired a lot. Might not be you, homie, but I’m gonna blame you anyway, and that’s because I am asking myself “why am I in this room?” way too often and I will scream if that’s just who I am, now.

This is only my second trip through COVID, and I'm overall pretty lucky. I was really sick for the first round about 18 months ago, and when you and your spouse are both sick with the same thing it's extra rough. Bailey looked at us constantly like “when's this gonna be over?” Not yet, pup, your parents have to figure out which one of them has a more stable set of bones at this moment so you can go outside for 2 minutes.

This time, it wasn’t as bad, and it came in about 2 weeks after a cold I had, so I was just extremely grumpy. “Again, seriously?” This was the first cold I had gotten since before the start of the pandemic! And then I just immediately get another one? I am just a little guy who is so tired all the time, why would I get a second cold? “Please, please don’t let this be a cold,” I begged the germ gods. “It could be allergies, right?” I said while glaring up at a tree. [editor’s note: the author specified that this tree was in their backyard, not, for example, on the side of a highway or in a neighbor’s backyard.] “Maybe I have developed some sort of new disease where I breathe like a pig snorting and opening my eyes feels like an Olympic weight-lifting event, and that’s fine, just don’t be a cold, again.”

“ahahahahaaaa,” said some loophole genie somewhere. '“Ah ha HA, HA!” said a weird witch in a cottage somewhere who makes wishes come true but only like an asshole.

It took me a few days (and a non-expired COVID test, check your stash of them and probably throw a bunch out, or don’t, because you already did that, because you’re responsible and an adult) to accept the fact that I did in fact have it. And once that was confirmed, I sent up a bat signal to CVS for paxlovid. The bat signal was a virtual visit and was not covered by my insurance but it was 1. fast and 2. I could do it while my spine was in the “Sleep Number Ad” position.

Why did I do this? Because my first dance with COVID was over faster, thanks to paxlovid. We took it on the second-ish day of symptoms for me and the first for him, and we were both still sick, but just like, regular sick, you know? Like “hey I'm pretty tired and congested,” rather than wishing for a puppet master to lift each of my legs so I could go up and down the stairs. I had the energy to move both eyelids, at most, and the antivirals made my muscle fibers remember what they were there for (taking Bailey outside).

It helped, it helped so much, and it helped this time too. It may help prevent long COVID, and that’s fantastic, and it worked the first time, and I felt disgusting and wanted to stop feeling that way, so antivirals it is.

Medicine is miracles, and people who figure this stuff out are wizards and gifts, and in no way do I wish to imply that taking this medicine is a mistake. However, I am not receiving a commission for it, and I want to be honest, so let me tell you the downsides.

The first one is that it might mess up your stomach and digestive system a little. For me specifically this was not a “might,” and that’s all I have to say about that.

The second one is that it’s six pills a day. Some of you are whalesharks and boa constrictors and can dry-swallow a dozen antibiotics at once after eating day-old bread. You are clearly the chosen ones and I do hate you a little, because I can’t. I can and do swallow several pills a day, but it’s never easy, and three in the morning and three at night in addition to my normal routine is a lot. They are at least a little coated and not huge, so I appreciate that, but it’s still pills. They come in a little blister pack so you (me, specifically me) can’t mess it up and take the wrong ones, but the right ones are still six pills.

The third one is the most significant and it is the taste present in your mouth. “Hey, don’t you lose your sense of taste with COVID?” Sure you do! I did not! I was initially grateful for it, but then realized I’d be experiencing every bit of a taste that I’d describe as “brimstone if the volcano was a Hinge match that you ghosted after 2 dates.”

It’s so bad, guys. It’s really really very bad. It is reduced significantly by keeping cough drops or some other hard candy in your mouth, but the problem there is that you’ve got to continually re-up on those, and the other problem is that you also have to sleep, and you cannot have a cough drop in your mouth when you go to sleep. And if you lie down, the taste ends up even stronger, and you start hoping that the little box of paxlovid also has an enormous cartoon hammer so it can knock you out.

Picture a necklace you got from Claire’s in 2004. Picture the black and slightly green hue of its metal links. Picture that chain sandwiched between two nickels, and picture putting it in your mouth. That’s paxlovid. It’s disgusting. It’s metallic, it’s bitter, it’s unique, and it’s pervasive. And there isn’t a fix, other than the hard candies, because I have to imagine the scientists somewhere are like “we gave you a vaccine and antivirals, could you stop being big babies for like 8 minutes please” and yeah, okay, fair. I’ll be okay. What doesn’t kill you makes your mouth gross.

That last dose made me especially mad. The second-to-last, I was still feeling a little off, but for the very last, the last three pills, I felt pretty okay. I took them, because of course (finish your antibiotics and antivirals, kids). But I was real mad about it, because at that point they were no longer “beat COVID” meds, they were “here, chew on this door hinge” meds.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful. And I don’t want to sound like they were a bad idea; I’d do it for a third time. But I do want to sound like the bravest and strongest person to ever live. So yeah, you can actually feel bad for me, because my mouth tasted gross for less than a week, and I am braver than every firefighter combined.

Love you all, I’ll be back more regularly going forward!

Anyway, end of 2023? Those holidays? Did you see your dad? He probably mentioned this show.

Maybe he didn't, it's possible! But the show definitely has a collection of fans that are dads. Not like, Field of Dreams-level overlap or anything, but statistically significant, probably, I'd bet, odds are good.

And it makes sense! Reacher is a show based on a series of books by Lee Child. These books are about a man named Jack Reacher, former military, current wanderer, and eternal Large Guy who solves crimes.

“Didn't they make movies about him already?” They did! There were two, and they started Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher. As charismatic as Mr. Cruise is (I've watched so much Mission Impossible and Top Gun: Maverick, guys, I get it) he is also notoriously not large. Which is bad. Like it's a genuine problem. The character is supposed to be very big and physically intimidating, and Cruise just didn't work in the role. Like if you were making a movie about Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and cast Tom Cruise. There's a problem in the foundation. So you gotta find someone who works!

You know who does? Alan Ritchson. He's playing Jack Reacher on the TV show, and the guy is basically a refrigerator. His arms do the thing where he can't put them down completely. So, casting? Check. Large man is large. He also looks like a college athlete who is an RA for the free room and board and will never speak to you. (In the role, that is. He's apparently very lovely in real life, which is not vital to the role, but it is vital to me. Large Guy played by Good Dude is my favorite.)

“How's his acting?” Good! Or at least I think so! I haven't read the books (yeah I hear your gasps, sometimes I'm allowed to not read, okay, I'm very tired) but he is such a presence on-screen that it's hard to look anywhere else. Sure, some of that is because he's a paving stone of a person with granite trapezius muscles, but a lot more of it is his control of the scene. He doesn't talk much, and that makes the moments he does talk all that much more compelling. If he's speaking, it's important!

“Come on, the fighting can't be that cool.” He kicks a car so hard that the airbag goes off! He and his team defeat a biker gang! He bicep curls a person falling out of a helicopter! Are any of those true? You'll have to watch to find out!!! (Yes they are and that's just season 2)

The first season has a fight that's set in a jail, and I can't say that the plot around it is all that happy, but the fight itself is art. I can't speak to realism, I can just speak to “big guy hits good.”

Other than hit good, his other big trait is that he doesn't have stuff, he doesn't own things, he wears clothes until they're wrecked and buys new ones. However, he manages to find stuff that fits at random thrift stores and gas stations despite the fact that he's the same size and shape as El Capitan, and the fans are calling this out as the least realistic part of the show.

The actual least realistic part of the show is probably just how good he is at solving crimes. He's so smart, and his friends are so smart, and they have all the tech, and all the connections, and if I were in a world where Jack Reacher existed, I wouldn't even try to eat the last two Thin Mints in an office kitchen with 25 employees. He'll find out, and he'll look cool the whole time he's finding out. He's got a pension that comes in monthly to live off of, but his soul is fed by finding the worst folks out there and doing Justice. Yes I have to shut off my lawyer brain because he's terrible at like, criminal procedure, but he's very good at criminal mysteries!

Because that's his deal, he solves crimes. One thing about Jack Reacher is he's gonna solve a crime. Will he follow the rules? Not if he thinks they're dumb. Will he remember the tiniest of facts and connect them to things later? You betcha. Will he take on like 8 guys at a time and make you a little worried for him but not that worried because the show is named after him and there's more seasons but still that's a lot of guys and maybe he can't take them all on but did he just do it heck yeah he did. Will he own a cell phone? Absolutely not.

Will he kick a car so hard that the airbag goes off? He will do that so good that it's in the trailer for season 2. This show knows what the people want.

Same goes for “I’m just calling to leave a voicemail, I don’t actually expect to reach you” at like 8:30 PM the day before. No. You don’t get to make a reservation with call-ahead. Because I’ll return your call and you won’t pick up. And then I will skip you and go on to the next call like that heartless restaurant host in the Mitch Hedberg joke.

And to acknowledge the elephant in the Outlook - “never” is the best time. Stop emailing me. Inbox zero because it never got to inbox one.

9:30 AM: very good. heck yeah. Absolutely. I’m all settled in for work, I have prepared myself to do some stuff I may not want to do, and I have opened my email and looked at my calendar and to-do list. I will not be startled by your correspondence, and I appreciate your understanding that we all need some kindness in the morning. I probably don’t have a meeting or anything yet. I got this.

4 PM: either very good or bad. Did I email you earlier today? Was I hoping for a response, against the odds? Did you make it happen anyway? I love you, may your boss acknowledge your contributions and may your meetings have a good snack. I can move on from this task.

But, if this is a brand new thing I need to care about? Not psyched! It’s already pretty much tomorrow and you’re trying to make me do a thing today! I really don’t appreciate it- what’s that you’re saying? That I myself send emails at this time very frequently? Yes but there are good reasons for that, like “I couldn’t get in touch with my client until just now” and “don’t you worry I already hate myself.”

Saturday or Sunday: bad, the baddest, how dare you.

11 AM: pretty good. I understand this one, at least. We started up our little computer, we got a thing done, we did another task maybe, or it took a minute to call someone back, maybe we had a 10 AM or 10:30 AM meeting and were only just able to send the email. Wanted it coming in during an AM hour so the “Good morning” at the top doesn’t look like you’re an alien trying to greet a guy. A little close to delicious lunch, potentially, but I get it.

12 PM: bad. Please don’t. I know you’re sending this email because you’re in a meeting where you are not required to listen or talk, but your attendance is mandatory, and you’re trying to do at least something with the time, but this is way, way too close to delicious lunch, and I resent you for making me think of work, even if I’m probably eating lunch at my desk, staring at my laptop, seeing your email come in. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to us. Look for the union label when you are sending an email or calendar invite.

Anything in the morning until 8 AM: not as bad as Saturday or Sunday but still really bad. Not only am I now forced to deal with your morning-person behavior, I feel like I’m already behind on the day, and if I email you back at 9:45 or whenever I’m sure that you’re sitting smugly in your chair, sneering, sharing your screen with your coworkers like “look at this lazy chump, look at this slug, I’ve already had my third cup of coffee and baked perfect cupcakes for my triplets’ birthday this weekend” while I’m rubbing my temples and swearing at my phone when it rings.

“Don’t you sometimes schedule your emails to send at 7 or 7:30 AM if you’re working the night befo-” yes but you see I am perfect and have never done anything wrong in my life. Also I only do this if the sender has been bothering me and has not stopped despite numerous explanations. That person will then receive “I believe I’ve responded to all of your concerns” tagged on to a thousand words that are variations on “no” and they will get it at 7 AM.

1 PM: not too bad but not good. Either still delicious lunch time, or right after delicious lunch time, so I am not pleased to be receiving your email, it does not find me well, it finds me digesting, and I don’t like emails when I’m digesting. I don’t like them any other time, no, but the lunch adds an extra negative element. But I do appreciate the energy of trying to send the email while there is still time in the day for me to address it.

1 PM and I haven’t eaten yet: so bad. So, so bad. Especially if it’s urgent. I don’t care if lunch is a Clif bar I’m eating at my desk, I’m furious, you have broken the social contract and someone just called me and I am just a small little woodland creature who cannot be expected to answer an email and take a phone call all while I am so hungry.

2 PM to 3 PM: bad. Sleepy. Need an iced coffee to look at my inbox. I’m not hungry anymore but I am losing momentum. Would someone like to bring me an iced coffee?

3 PM to 4 PM: actually okay. If I’m swamped and can’t get to it, this is an email that comes in pretty late in the day, so no one (no one reasonable, at least) is going to give me a hard time about not replying. This can be addressed today, potentially, or maybe after hours, or maybe tomorrow morning. No one is mad at me (yet) and I’ve got options.

Anything starting with “just following up on this”: bad. BAD. Time is a flat circle, you might as well have emailed this at 3:30 AM with a foghorn attached to it, you might as well have snuck into my house and yelled at me. Don’t follow up. I don’t care that you’re right. You probably are right. I just don’t have an answer for you yet because of some other stupid thing that I’m trying to fix, please leave me alone, I work VERY HARD and I just don’t feel like ANYONE CARES

Crying times -

All of them: good

Should I have gotten more angry while all of it was happening, and would that have been a good outlet? Should I have taken up boxing, or weightlifting, or just tried digging a hole and filling it with rocks? She was good at biking, should I get better at biking? Can I still do any of that?

Is the tattoo too much?

Was I a better friend during the dying than I was during the living? Am I at my best, my strongest, my most loving, when things are bad? What kind of person is better at funerals than they are at weddings?

Why are most tissue companies seemingly dedicated to making me and my nose suffer more? Is “don't give me a nosebleed” really too much to ask for?

Is Mass ever going to feel normal again? Are there a few hymns that I just am not going to ever be able to listen to again? I know she wouldn't want that, but how do I make it so that I can listen again?

What do I do with her funeral Mass program?

If I die when I'm old, will I see her again as an old person? Will she still be young? Can I get some kind of report card from God telling me exactly how He is taking care of her?

Would we have been less close if she never got sick? Would I have been less needed? Would I have been less loved? Would I have been less liked? Does anyone enjoy the time they spend with me when they are happy and things are going well, or am I kept around because I'm pretty okay at helping when things are bad, and everyone knows I'm worth that minor investment?

How dare I cheapen my friendships with that language? Why wouldn't I trust the people I love to not be cruel? What kind of long con do I think my favorite people are playing on me? What is my fucking problem?

Why do I talk to myself harshly when she never did?

Will others forgive me for my year-long absence? How much will I resent them if they don't? How can I ever repay them if they do?

She told me about this TV show so many times but can I start watching it and appreciate it at all? Am I just asking to be hurt by it?

Why do I reread our texts right before I have to walk into the office?

At what point is everyone going to be sick of my talking about it, and have I already reached that point? Do I need to explain that I will never stop talking about it, or is that already implied and understood? How do I tell people about this after more time has passed, and at what point is it going to stop feeling like the story I'd bring up as a “Jeopardy!” contestant if they'd let me? Why am I constantly tempted to ruin the mood of a room and tell people about how my best friend is dead?

How did I get lucky enough to know her?

How has it already been a year? How has it only been a year?