We were taught God and sex were opposites when, in fact, they live in the same place.

And yes, this is an article about how to be an absolute feral angel menace at giving blowjobs, but I cannot jump right into my list of tips (pun intended) without first writing a few dirty little paragraphs about this type of dance that I find particularly invigorating.

(Yeah, it’s kind of like those recipe websites that give you a life-story before getting to the actual ingredient list and recipe. Sorry not sorry, babes.)

When I was younger, I was really afraid to give my first blowjob. I tell this story often in my sexuality classes with women. I was blessed with a wonderful first experience of falling in love, and I am truly grateful for that. He was patient with me, and those initial moments coming into intimacy leave imprints. This was a good imprint.

I told him I wanted to do it, but only if he didn’t look at me. So we decided to cover me up in a blanket so he couldn’t see me, only feel me. Looking back, I realize how wise this was. I felt vulnerable, scared, but also connected to my desire. He honored my pace while staying connected to his. Slowly, over time, I felt safe enough to...remove the blanket, literally and figuratively.

As an adult woman in my thirties, and as a somatic sexuality coach, this remains one of my favorite ways to give.

I believe the most essential part of a great blowjob is how embodied the woman is giving it.

There’s a lot of conditioning that happens in society, both in males and females, that leads to women not enjoying it though. I get it.

I’d say the main one is expectation, and that comes in many forms. The expectation that you owe it to him, the expectation that it has to come before penetrative sex, the expectation that if he goes down on you then you must go down on him, the expectation of it needing to happen in a certain way due to mainstream pornography.

All of this leads to a lack of embodiment from the side of the woman, because these expectations are not of the body, not of the present, not of the actual desire and connection of the people involved.

This takes us out of the experience or makes us avoid it entirely, and to shift this requires intention from the man and the woman.

The “I hate men” trend has been going around for a while on social media now.

The trend of “de-centering men” is more recent but has become quite popular nonetheless also. Do I understand where the collective movement of these come from? Absolutely.

It can be difficult to love men when you feel personally you have only ever been mistreated, misunderstood, and used by them. Yet at the same time, actual hatred does not allow for healing of the individual nor does it allow for societal progression. To feel and integrate experience is needed, is beautiful. To carry it with you, allowing it to poison you and those around you, is quite the opposite.

Now in the realm of de-centering, my feelings are mixed. I believe men and women ultimately need one another, and not only need, but can truly aid in the expansion of one another whether that is romantically, culturally, platonically, and so on.

I also believe women indoctrinated into one line of thinking struggle the most. The line of thinking is: You are born, and you are waiting to be chosen by your soulmate, a man who will arrive, sweep you off your feet, and you will live happily ever after. All of your actions should be based around this. And if you get too old and miss the mark, well, the chance of a happy life is over.

This is what I see so many women suffer with. The fairytale-ization of romance and life which actually leads to a dehumanization of relating and intimacy.

Which is so sad because it is the non-linearity, the messiness, the fuck ups, the rawness that actually makes relating expansive, that ultimately makes it erotic as well.

Where I’m trying to bridge to is when we remove a lot of the societal barriers and conditioning to romance, eroticism, and relating, and we give ourselves permission to fall in love with a man the human way, it is so much more fulfilling and sexier.

Because it is fueled with our own desire, it is fueled with presence, with embodiment, and the act of making love, of giving a blowjob, of receiving an orgasm becomes prayer.

Becomes play.

Becomes innate.

If you ready to devote to a more erotically alive life, my erotic arts membership is the exact place to do so.

Join Now

So really, it is not about how to have the perfect technique, it is how to shift your entire philosophy of falling in love, making love, sucking, and fucking.

Personally, I can feel Goddess and Gaia in the shapes and layers of my vulva the same way I can feel it in the vein that traces the top of his cock, the exact vein that pulses with blood when I put my lips around it.

And this feeling, this experience has come from a foundational connection to my own sexuality, spirituality, eroticism, and womanhood. It has taken many years to arrive here, and the journey never truly ends.

It also feels like a way of breaking generational curses, not just for my bloodline but for all women that came before me.

For so long now, women did not have space for their own desires. Their entire experience of sexuality was externalized, a way to give to their partner’s pleasure. So even now, in my work, I can feel this alive in women. The fear of being hedonistic and slutty toward their own desires, of asking for what they want, and having the courage to fully surrender and receive it.

Again, another reason I can also understand why giving a blowjob and putting yourself in a place of offering again can feel…not as intriguing. Because it’s like, if I get to this place of owning my pleasure, why go back to giving it away again?

To be there for a moment makes sense, but what comes next is even better, which is when giving head gets to be about the both of you receiving, about a dance of divinely delicious union and prayer. You receive from his pleasure the same way you would receive from your own, and to give does not mean to deplete. It means to pull from the place of infinite love, eroticism, and feminine magic that lives inside of you, translated through your tongue.

It is a somatic healing language of the body, if you allow it to be.

Download my free workshop Initiate and receive my step-by-step process on beginning to live your most erotically embodied life starting today!

Access Now

Most men struggle to surrender as well.

I wouldn’t say most men struggle to connect to their desires, pleasure, or cock in general; however, I do feel a lot of men struggle with a concentration of sexual energy that becomes contorted.

I believe many men haven’t felt what it truly means to surrender to a woman and let go into a type of pleasure and sexual energy that spreads beyond their cock, changes them, and nourishes them beyond the bedroom and into expanded consciousness and love.

And while I absolutely know this begins with the devotional, individual work of the man I also believe this is a moment where an embodied woman can lead in a way that is absolutely magical.

To lead him to a place that he has not even been able to visualize in fantasy.

To a place where his understanding of the feminine is forever softened and expanded.

This is the type of blowjob I am talking about, and absolutely every woman has the capacity to offer it, easily, if they desire and if they understand the energetics and embodiment that is involved.

Let’s discuss my top tips, as concretely as I can, while also still keeping the understanding of the philosophy that is ultimately at the foundation.

Read more

Romanticizing your life

There is a trend that has been going around social media for a while, and honestly, I understand the appeal.

Treating your morning coffee like a scene from a French film. Folding your silks and linens outside in the afternoon sun. Making the mundane feel cinematic. Beautiful, really. And not wrong.

But incomplete.

Romance feels delicious, it feels easeful, it feels light. Yet it misses a part of life that we simply cannot avoid no matter how hard we try.

The part of life that is grief stricken, that is dirty, raw, uncomfortable, yet inevitable and real.

Eroticism is what welcomes all of it in.

On muses and what we got wrong about them

In Greek mythology, Erato was one of the nine Muses. She was the goddess of erotic poetry, her name rooted in the same origin as Eros. She was said to charm the sight and inspire love, desire, and creative aliveness in others.

Throughout history, the muse has almost always been a woman. The one who inspires the artist, who is beheld, and whose beauty, eroticism, and presence draws something extraordinary out of someone else.

I believe this way of being is still innate within women, I also believe the desire and seeking of the muse is still innate within men.

However, in a society of such contorted sexuality and disconnection from eroticism, we cannot start here as women. We cannot start by being the muse for others, until we have actually developed a healthy relationship with eroticism, and then created that foundation within ourselves.

We must be our own muses first before we can be that for others.

We must embody the woman who is so rooted in her own aliveness, so connected to her own erotic essence, that she becomes the source of her own creative life force.

That is the erotic muse.

She does not solely romanticize her life, but romance is one part of her eroticism.

Click the button below to access Initiate, a free workshop to initiate into your most erotically alive life beginning today:

Download now

The difference between romanticizing and eroticizing

Romanticizing your life says: Let me do what I can to make this moment look and feel beautiful.

Again, not wrong, yet for much of life and for many instances, not whole.

Eroticizing your life says: This moment is beautiful, but it is also overwhelming, it is also scary, or difficult, or edgy, and that does not make it wrong. It makes it alive.

One prioritizes aesthetics and ease more, while the other prioritizes expansiveness.

The woman who romanticizes her life curates. The woman who eroticizes her life inhabits its depths.

And here is where it gets important: eroticism as I speak of it is not solely about sex. Sex lives within the Universe that is eroticism, romance can as well. As Audre Lorde wrote in her seminal essay Uses of the Erotic:

“The very word erotic comes from the Greek word eros, the personification of love in all its aspects, born of chaos, and personifying creative power and harmony. When I speak of the erotic, I speak of it as an assertion of the lifeforce of women; of that creative energy empowered.”

Eroticism is your lifeforce. It is the quality of feeling fully alive in your own body on a Tuesday afternoon. It is what makes sex sacred, food sensual, music embodied, and grief honest. It is not reserved for the bedroom. It drips into everything, if you allow it to.

The gap between what women want and what they feel

Globally, less than half of women report regularly experiencing orgasm which is twice as many men. And beyond the bedroom, study after study links sexual and erotic satisfaction directly to overall happiness, confidence, and health with 65% of sexually satisfied people reporting they feel significantly happier in their lives overall.

We are not talking about a small thing here. We are talking about a woman’s fundamental relationship with her own aliveness.

And yet most women have been conditioned, through religion, culture, aesthetics, and a society that profits from female disconnection, to relate to their bodies as objects to be curated rather than homes to be inhabited.

The romanticizing trend is beautiful but it can also, in its own quiet way, become another form of this. Another way of curating life to look as aesthetic as possible while suppressing the ugly, raw, uncomfortable parts as wrong.

They aren’t wrong. They are just as alive, sexy, and dare I say romantic in their own erotic way.

Click the button below to join the waitlist for Delani’s brand new course, The Erotic Muse, a 4-week guided journey to awaken your inner erotic woman:

Join the waitlist

What it actually means to eroticize your life

An erotic life is like wine, it gets better with age.

It is a life in which you stop waiting to feel turned on by something external and start cultivating your own inner flame.

Where your sexual energy is not solely directed toward people but to all of life itself.

It means your morning is not a scene you are setting for Instagram but rather it is a sensory experience you are actually inside of.

It means your creativity comes not from what is trending but from what is moving through your body.

It means your relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or creative, are fed by the overflow of a woman who is already full, not the desperation of one who is running on empty.

It means your sexuality is not a performance you give your partner but rather a relationship you have with yourself first.

And it is in that moment, ironically, that you become the muse for others.

As Lorde wrote: “For the erotic is not a question only of what we do; it is a question of how acutely and fully we can feel in the doing.”

It is easy to make life appear beautiful. But when it doesn’t look beautiful or feel easy, can you still stay with it? Can you use it to transform you instead of running from it?

Can you romanticize the ugly, rawness of the erotic?

The four pillars of becoming your own erotic muse

This is not a personality trait you either have or you don’t. It is not something the chosen few were born with. It is a practice, a devotion, a coming home and an unfolding that happens in layers.

Read more

The multi-orgasmic woman is not a rare category of woman.

She is not exceptionally gifted, exceptionally lucky, or even exceptionally sexual. She is simply a woman who has been properly introduced to her own body and who has chosen to show up for that relationship with the same devotion she would give to anything she wanted to truly master.

That woman is available to you, she always has been.

What the research actually says

Masters and Johnson, the researchers who first mapped the human sexual response cycle in detail, found that women can be what they called serially multi-orgasmic meaning experiencing repeated orgasms one after another with very little delay between them. Unlike men, who experience a biological recovery period after ejaculation during which further arousal is temporarily blocked, most women have no equivalent physiological shutdown.

Many women can remain at a high level of arousal after climax and therefore experience orgasm again within seconds or minutes. Researchers have found no evidence that any brain regions shut down during or after female climax the way they do in men.

I’ll add onto this though, as a somatic sexologist who has been on this journey both professionally and personally for more than a decade now:

I categorize multi-orgasmic existence in 3 ways:

1. Multiple climaxes in a row - The one just discussed above

2. Orgasm from various body parts - Breasts, clitoris, g-spot, cervix, etc.

3. Elongated orgasmic states - Orgasms that last for hours or days

I’ve also found it helpful for myself and my clients to differentiate between climax and orgasm. Put simply, climax is often a moment that peaks and drops whereas an orgasm is an altered state we enter into. Both can happen simultaneously, but they do not have to.

Yet even considering all of this, studies suggest only about 15% of women regularly experience multiple orgasms. It is not because they aren’t physiologically capable, rather they just are not accessing it.

The gap is not anatomical. It is cultural, relational, and learned.

My own journey

For a long time, my relationship with orgasm looked like what most women’s looks like:

Clitoral stimulation, a peak that lasted maybe five seconds, and a significant drop. And let me clear: I love clitoral orgasms, for myself personally and for any female client that struggles with pleasure in general.

Yet eventually I became bored and was left wanting more.

It felt good in the moment but then I was vaguely unsatisfied afterward, always reaching for something deeper.

I knew my G-spot existed, I could feel her, yet I just told myself I didn’t have the gift of pleasure and orgasm here.

My cervix remained dark and uninhabited for years

My breasts existed more for the pleasure of my partners rather than myself.

And when I wanted more, my instinct was the same instinct our culture has taught all of us: Maybe if I push harder, go faster, squeeze tighter, and try to force the result it will work.

It did not work. It never does.

What changed everything were a few specific principles:

1. My anatomy goes so much deeper than I’ve ever been taught.

2. My nervous system is the ultimate gateway to either unlock or block my pleasure.

3. My body requires the opposite of force: Slowness, intention, openness, and the ability to communicate that with my partner as well.

4. My pussy wants non-sexual touch too.

5. There is more to pleasure and orgasm than a vibrator.

The first time I experienced a deep vaginal orgasm I cried, not out of sadness but because it felt like a homecoming, like a part of my body that had been waiting, patiently, for me to finally arrive.

I still cry so often when orgasming, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The thing about clitoral orgasms

Most women are familiar with clitoral stimulation and the quick peak it produces. And again, there is nothing wrong with that. The clitoris is extraordinary, with over 10,000 nerve endings it is the most densely innervated structure in the human body.

But…

The clitoris is just the tip of the volcano.

What lives beneath it: the internal clitoral network, the urethral sponge, the deep vaginal wall, the cervix, is an entire landscape most women have never been introduced to. Each of these structures has its own nerve supply, its own orgasmic quality, its own emotional and energetic dimension.

A cervical orgasm does not feel like a clitoral orgasm. A G-spot orgasm does not feel like either. They are genuinely different neurological experiences, deeper in the body and pussy, more expansive, more whole-body, and oftentimes more emotionally releasing and transcendent.

And none of them are accessible through the same approach that works for the clitoris. They require even more slowness, even more internal presence, and a nervous system that feels safe enough to open rather than brace.

I always tell myself and my clients: The deeper I desire to go into my body, the more my body requires of me devotionally.

Why sex doesn’t need to be about feeling good

This is the part that changed everything for me, and it is the part almost nobody teaches.

We approach sex and pleasure as if they are only ever supposed to feel good, and we judge our experience by how much pleasure we produce. When it doesn’t feel good, when we feel numb, blocked, emotionally activated, or disconnected, we assume something is wrong.

Yet what if those moments are not failures of pleasure but invitations into something deeper?

The Taoist sexual arts understood this. They did not treat sexual energy as something to be released in pursuit of pleasure. They treated it as life force, something to be cultivated, circulated, and used as a doorway into the full range of what the body holds: grief, joy, fear, ecstasy, longing, aliveness, connection…all of it moves through the same system.

The irony is it often leads to deeper pleasure in the long run anyway because of how much pressure it takes off of us. Not only that, but it shifts the way we experience sex with our partner. This is when sex actually becomes intimate, erotic, rather than solely hedonistic (which I love as well, by the way).

What multi-orgasmic living actually requires

There is not one technique that works, and actually, the deeper we go into the body and pussy, the less technique matters in general.

Rather, it is a practice that eventually gets to be a way of life, just like yoga.

And like any practice worth having it requires:

1. A nervous system flexible enough to rise into intensity and return.

2. An intimate knowledge of your own anatomy and the courage to explore it without agenda.

3. Taoist principles of slowness, breath, and presence that transform the approach entirely.

4. Pelvic massage and internal mapping that awakens what has been dormant, stored, or simply never met.

5. And eventually, sacred tools like the jade egg and wand that deepen the practice into something ceremonial and devoted.

Mary Jane Sherfey, the pioneering sex researcher, wrote in 1966: “The more orgasms she has, the more she can have. For all intents and purposes, the female is sexually insatiable.”

She wrote that sixty years ago, and most women still don’t know it, until now.

This is exactly what I’m teaching inside of my membership. Our live Becoming Multi-Orgasmic series has officially started, which means you can join right now and leave 2026 an entirely different woman than the one who came in.

A multi-orgasmic one.

Join Now

You can also download my free Becoming Multi-Orgasmic guide now by clicking the button below!

Download Now

We live in the golden age of the shortcut.

Filler and botox for your face, Ozempic for your body, swipe right, same day delivery. A culture that has optimized every conceivable human experience for speed, convenience, and instant return.

And yet there are 3 things a woman cannot outsource, cannot inject, cannot subscribe to, and cannot manufacture through any external means available in 2026.

Number 1 is a strong, muscled, vital body.

Number 2 is a skill she has spent years mastering, such as martial arts, pole dance, playing an instrument, learning ceramics, or becoming bilingual.

And number 3 is the one least tapped into but most transformative: A multi-orgasmic, erotically alive life.

All three require time, presence, and a willingness to show up for herself consistently with no shortcut available. Yet all three, not coincidentally, are rarely encouraged.

The dopamine problem

We are not simply overwhelmed. We are dopamine starved.

Research on what psychologists now call dopamine culture describes how the rapid rise of digital overstimulation has created a tolerance effect. This looks like the brain, flooded constantly with quick hits of cheap reward, losing its ability to feel satisfied by anything that takes longer than thirty seconds to return a result. This overstimulation contributes to feelings of boredom, numbness, and dissatisfaction and reduces the ability to find joy in everyday experiences.

This is why so many women describe a dull, persistent ache of wanting more without knowing what more actually is. Once the brain becomes conditioned to expect high levels of dopamine frequently, feelings of joy and pleasure from doing anything else are weakened, and we become easily overwhelmed by stress.

The things that actually rebuild a healthy dopamine system are the precise things that feel least appealing when the brain has been trained to expect instant return. They feel hard, they feel slow, they feel like they are not working, and they are rarely linear.

That is the dopamine system doing exactly what chronic overstimulation trained it to do.

But here is what the research also confirms: sustained dopaminergic activation, the kind that builds while working toward a delayed but larger reward, actually increases steadily the longer you wait for it. The brain rewards devotion. It was actually built for it, we have simply forgotten.

What muscle does for a woman

Strength is not solely aesthetic. It is hormonal, metabolic, neurological, and deeply erotic.

Clinical trials have shown GLP-1 drugs like semaglutide can lead to a 13.9% loss of lean muscle mass during treatment. A study published in Cell Metabolism found that approximately 45% of weight loss on these medications was attributed to a reduction in lean mass, with skeletal muscle shrinking by around six percent.

In a culture currently racing back toward the emaciated aesthetic of the 1990s, women are being invited to trade their muscle for thinness, and they are losing something they may not fully understand yet.

Muscle regulates estrogen metabolism, improves insulin sensitivity, and preserves bone density as estrogen declines. It is the single most evidence-backed intervention for longevity, cognitive health, and hormonal vitality available to a woman across her lifetime, and it cannot be purchased or injected. It is built, slowly, through consistent devotion to showing up.

There is also something nobody mentions in the longevity research: muscle makes a woman feel more inhabitable, more present in her own body, more turned on by her own existence. Strength builds a nervous system that trusts itself, and a nervous system that trusts itself is a nervous system that can receive pleasure.

I mentioned this in another article recently: In many ways, the barbell and the bedroom are asking the same thing of a woman which is to show up and feel the resistance enough to re-pattern what your body is truly capable of.

Multiple orgasms are the ultimate luxury.

We act as if this is radical, but it is actually what the female body was designed to do.

In fact, our pleasure goes so far beyond what is purely biological. We are capable of having multiple orgasms from every part of the body. I know it because I’ve lived it, I’ve trained my body into it, and in many ways…I’ve returned myself to it, to my natural state that is.

In a world that has made cheap pleasure available at every turn, the kind of deep, full-body, multi-orgasmic erotic experience that is the birthright of every woman has become unfortunately rare. Again, not because it is physiologically unavailable but because accessing it requires everything that our culture of instant gratification has slowly dismantled.

It requires a flexible nervous system, presence, slowness, and intention. It requires a relationship with your own body that was built and patterned over time, not purchased overnight. It requires the willingness to learn your own anatomy with the same curiosity you would bring to mastering any complex and worthy skill.

It requires oxytocin, the bonding and safety hormone that floods the system through slow, intentional self-touch and pelvic connection, and that modern life offers almost no natural pathway toward. Research confirms that self-touch deliberately employed as a somatic practice stimulates oxytocin release and invokes feelings of safety and self-connection that the nervous system cannot generate through any other means.

Orgasm itself floods the system with oxytocin, drops cortisol, quiets the self-critical regions of the brain, and returns the body to a state of genuine aliveness. It is in this state we access our greatest potential, connect to our most creative ideas, and enter into the frequency which is the most magnetizing and abundant.

This is the antidote to the dopamine starvation our culture has created. Less stimulation, less shortcuts. More slow, devotional practices of coming home to what the female body is actually capable of.

Most women are familiar with a clitoral orgasm.

They know they can charge their vibrator, push it against their vulva, and experience a degree of pleasure. However, in my own work with women as a somatic sexologist, I’ve found many are not satisfied with only this. They experience the 5-second peak and drop, and they are left wanting more.

Yet they are lost after that.

They assume they aren’t capable of a G-spot orgasm, and rarely have they developed their own personal relationship with their cervix, outside of a medicalized version of that.

They skip over their breasts, and when they aren’t getting what they want out of their body quickly, they push harder, squeeze harder, and get frustrated.

It’s interesting because one of the number one things women tell me they crave more of from men in the bedroom is slowness, yet they rarely ever offer it to themselves.

And that’s the issue.

Our approach to our own pleasure and multi-orgasmic potential as women cannot reflect a society obsessed with convenience because we will only ever be left disappointed.

Multi-orgasmic being is your birthright, your natural state, it is just that you have been conditioned out of that every single day of your life.

Ecstatic pleasure is not a bonus.

I say it is a luxury, but it really isn’t. It is a biological need. It is the body’s most sophisticated system for producing the oxytocin, the dopamine, and the nervous system flexibility that our culture of convenience has starved us of.

This is the work we will be exploring inside of my erotic arts membership next month.

Starting in August, we dive into a Becoming Multi-Orgasmic live series together. Five months of workshops, pelvic massage and mapping ceremonies, somatic pleasure practices, and sacred tools designed to awaken what your body was always capable of.

Join Now

You can also download my free guide on becoming a multi-orgasmic woman by clicking the button below!

Download Now

There is an entire generation of women who are now obsessed with the concept of nervous system regulation.

They know how to journal through it, face mask through it, hot girl walk through it, anything they need to do to back themselves back to a state of “unbothered”.

Yet they still cannot fully receive pleasure.

They cringe at the thought of touching their own fingers to their pussies.

And they remain the generation having the least sex.

We have confused being calm and unbothered with being healed, we have mistaken the absence of reaction for the presence of aliveness, and somewhere in the process of learning to regulate, a lot of women have simply learned a more sophisticated form of numbing.

I want to offer you something different.

The problem with regulation as the goal

Nervous system regulation as a concept is not wrong, but we so often mistake what it really means. I prefer the term nervous system flexibility, and most practitioners with even a small degree of experience in body-based trauma healing would agree.

The science behind it is real and important. Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, one of the most significant frameworks in trauma research, describes how our autonomic nervous system continuously organizes itself in response to perceived safety or threat. It identifies three primary states: the ventral vagal state where we feel safe and socially engaged, the sympathetic state of fight or flight, and the dorsal vagal state of shutdown and freeze.

What Polyvagal Theory actually points toward is not regulation as a fixed destination but rather as an expanded window of tolerance. The wider your window, the greater tolerance you have for stressful events and demanding situations. And crucially, that window is not fixed. Persistent stress and trauma shrink it, while safe connection and healing widen it.

Here is what that means in practice: the goal is not to live in a permanent state of calm. The goal is a nervous system flexible enough to move through the full spectrum of human experience, through the grief, rage, ecstasy, heartbreak, and deep pleasure, without collapsing, numbing, or bracing against any of it.

A nervous system that cannot receive pleasure is not a healed nervous system, it is a micro-managed one.

The window of tolerance is not just for surviving. It is for living.

Most trauma-informed approaches talk about widening the window of tolerance in terms of managing difficult emotions such as being able to sit with anxiety, move through grief, tolerate conflict without shutting down, and so on.

What almost nobody talks about is that the same window governs your capacity for pleasure, abundance, and deep erotic experience.

A narrow window does not just make you more reactive to threat, it also makes you less able to receive what is good for you. It makes it more difficult to stay present during orgasm, to let love in without immediately waiting for it to leave, and to feel joy without the dread of losing it underneath.

Widening your window of tolerance means becoming a woman who can feel everything, from the inevitable grief to the ecstasy that is your birthright, without running from either end.

Personally, I don’t want to be regulated. I want to be feral, alive, and flexible. I want a nervous system that has been trained not into perpetual calm but into delicious range.

What mainstream trauma work keeps missing

Here is a gap I keep noticing in otherwise excellent frameworks like Polyvagal Theory and EMDR: they rarely account for the female body’s specific need for oxytocin as a fundamental pathway to healing.

Oxytocin is not just the bonding hormone, it is one of the most powerful nervous system nourishers available to the human body. Touch therapy works by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, which reduces cortisol levels and increases the production of oxytocin and serotonin. A comprehensive meta-analysis of 212 studies found that touch interventions produce significant improvements across several mental health markers, with touch therapy reducing depression scores by approximately 30% compared to control groups.

And self-touch specifically, not just touch from others, has been shown to stimulate oxytocin release. Research suggests that self-touch can be deliberately employed as an intervention to stimulate oxytocin release. Self-soothing touch invokes feelings of safety, intentionality, and connection.

In other words: touching your own body, with presence and care, is one of the most evidence-backed forms of nervous system healing available to you.

And yet most women have never been taught to do it. So many women, when I say pelvic massage, cringe, tighten, or brush it off entirely.

Imagine a world where women put as much effort into their internal nourishment of oxytocin and healing their pelvic bowl, which is directly connected to our brains and sense of identity as women, as they do into their outward aesthetics at the gym or a pilates class.

It is not about choosing one over the other but genuinely being devoted to both.

A body that cannot be touched by its own hands cannot truly heal. I believe this deeply.

Eroticism and the nervous system are the same conversation

I have written many times now about what eroticism actually is, not the performance of hotness, but the creative life force that moves through everything, the quality of presence, the willingness to be in full contact with life in all its intensity, play, and cycles.

This is exactly what an expanded window of tolerance creates.

The cycle of Eros, desire, arousal, pleasure, release, dissolution, renewal, is itself a complete cycle of nervous system activation and return. It asks the body to rise, to open, to surrender, and then to come back. Done consciously, it is one of the most powerful practices available for widening the window of tolerance from the inside.

Orgasm specifically floods the system with oxytocin, drops cortisol, quiets the self-critical regions of the brain, and returns the nervous system to a state of openness, connection, and aliveness. This experience is not a numb calm but an alive, authentic calm. The difference is palpable.

Pelvic massage and orgasm have been my most consistent nervous system healing tools as a somatic sexologist specifically because they have taught my body that it can open fully, feel everything, and survive it. They have patterned my body into the knowing that intensity is not danger and that aliveness is not a threat to be managed.

Feralness and flexibility.

Not numbness and perpetual unbotheredness disguised as regulation.

If that means I’m a bad girl, I don’t want to be good.

The invitation

Stop trying to regulate yourself into a smaller, quieter, more manageable version of your aliveness.

The goal was never to stop feeling. The goal was to become a woman who can feel everything without being destroyed or defined by any of it.

That is the wide window, the erotic window you might say. It is not chaos, but rather an untamed capacity for the full range of what it means to be alive in a female body.

This is exactly what we explore inside of my erotic arts membership.

Beginning in August, we enter into our Becoming Multi-Orgasmic live series where we use pelvic massage, pleasure practices, ancient Tao principles, and sacred tools to actually widen our window of tolerance from the inside out, become women whose nervous systems are not regulated into stillness but expanded into aliveness, and access our natural state of multi-orgasmic oxytocin-drenched bliss. If you’re ready to sign-up, you can do so at the link below.

Full-pussy YES!

If you want access to my free guide that introduces this work, click below to access it now!

I want the guide!

We have gotten it completely backwards.

We have been taught that a woman’s erotic power peaks young, in the tightness of her body, the smoothness of her skin, the years before gravity and time leave their marks. We have been taught that the aging woman is a fading woman, that desire is something she had, not something she has, and that her erotic life, like her fertility, winds down and eventually goes quiet.

However, the research says otherwise, and so does every ancient tradition we have systematically dismantled.

A University of California study of 806 older women found that sexual satisfaction actually increases with age. Women over 80 were among the most sexually satisfied of all, often without needing intercourse which suggests that closeness, emotional depth, and genuine presence play a far greater role in erotic fulfillment than physical performance ever did.

Separately, research found that 71% of women between the ages of 80 and 102 still fantasize and daydream about sex.

The Crone is not post-erotic. She is the most erotically integrated woman alive, and yet we have been exiling her.

Who the Crone actually is

The word crone has roots, in some traditions, in the word crown, as in wisdom emanating from the head, earned rather than inherited. She is the third and final face of the great feminine holy trinity: Maiden, Mother, Crone. Waxing moon, full moon, waning moon. She is the dark moon, the one we cannot see, and oftentimes the one we fear the most.

In Jungian psychology the Crone represents the culmination of lived experience. She is the truth-teller, the boundary-setter, the keeper of sacred mystery. Marion Woodman, the great Jungian feminist analyst, wrote that the Crone has been missing from our culture for so long that young women have no model for aging with dignity and power. Without her, she said, the task of truly belonging to oneself is virtually impossible.

What Woodman understood is that the Crone does not arrive empty-handed. She arrives as the integration of everything that came before. She has lived through the Maiden’s innocence and hunger. She has experienced the Mother’s creation and sacrifice. She has walked through the Slut’s reclamation of desire, the Priestess’s devotion to what is sacred, the Wild Woman’s refusal to be tamed.

She has died enough times to know she will survive it.

And that is exactly what makes her the most erotically alive woman in the room.

Eroticism is not youth. It is depth.

I have written before about what eroticism actually is, not the performance of hotness, not the aesthetics of a young body, but the creative life force that moves through everything, the quality of presence and the willingness to be in full contact with life, pleasure, loss, and desire simultaneously.

If that is what eroticism is, then the Crone is its fullest expression.

She has made peace with impermanence because she’s been forced to. She knows, in her body and not just her mind, that nothing lasts. She has lost people, she has grieved countless versions of herself, she has been unmade and remade so many times that the cycle of death and renewal is no longer something she fears.

And a woman who is no longer afraid of endings is a woman who can want without holding back.

She can be fully present with pleasure without managing her reception of it. She can love with totality because she has stopped pretending she will not lose what she loves. She can inhabit her body with a kind of settled, unperformative authority that most younger women, however beautiful, can rarely access. Why? Because it often takes time and lived experience to stop apologizing for existing. It often decades to finally arrive in your own skin and stay there, and many women never do.

What we lose when we exile her

Research on postmenopausal women reveals that many describe menopause not as decline but as a form of sexual liberation free from the anxiety of pregnancy, free from hormonal fluctuations that frequently made desire feel conditional, free from the performance of desirability for others. Many women describe a new and quieter relationship with their own pleasure that is more honest, more embodied, and more deeply satisfying than anything they experienced in younger years.

And yet our culture treats these women as not only invisible but as something we should do everything in our power to resist becoming.

In fact, we should spend our money on it without second thought.

We should sacrifice our own health and vitality for it because god forbid a forehead wrinkle shows.

We do not show the Crone on our screens except as a cautionary tale. We do not ask her what she knows especially in Western colonized culture. We do not initiate our young women into womanhood through her wisdom. We sell her anti-aging cream and apologize for her existence and wonder why so many younger women are terrified of getting older.

We are terrified of the Crone because she is terrified of nothing, and a woman who is afraid of nothing cannot be controlled.

Truthfully, our fear of aging is not solely vanity. It is a survival response inside a system that has always depended on women’s insecurity to keep them manageable. The younger, the more beautiful, the more uncertain of her own worth, the easier she is to sell to, to exhaust, and to keep small.

The Crone blows all of that up simply by existing and by refusing to disappear. By sitting in her full, wrinkled, ferociously alive, deeply erotic body and daring the world to look away.

Your fear of aging is killing your Eros.

Every time you look in the mirror and grieve a line on your face, you are practicing the exile of your own future self. You are rehearsing the belief that you will become less as you age more, and that your eroticism has an expiration date.

It does not.

Quite the opposite.

What expires is the performance, what expires is the anxiety about being enough, what expires is the exhausting effort to be desirable to everyone while being fully known by no one.

What remains, and what deepens, is what’s real. Desire rooted in self-knowledge, pleasure that is yours, eroticism that comes from inhabiting yourself so fully that your wisdom is palpable in any room.

The Crone knows this, and she has earned it.

And the invitation she extends to every woman younger than her is this: stop postponing your erotic aliveness until you have the right body, the right age, the right person, or the imagined right circumstances. The woman you are becoming is not a diminished version of who you are now, she is the accumulated wisdom of every love, every loss, every death, and every renewal you have ever survived.

She is the most erotically integrated woman you will ever be.

The Crone is the final archetype we explore inside The Serpent School for Female Erotic Arts and Embodiment in the month of July.

If you’d like to join us in celebration of her, as well as access the workshop replays for each feminine archetype that came before her (Maiden, Mother, Lover, Wild Woman, Slut, Priestess) click the link below to become a member now!

Join Now

You can also access my free workshop Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Alive Life where I share my 8-step process for women to life their most erotically confident life beginning today.

Download Now

Also, if you are an older woman, please feel free to comment your thoughts, experiences, and experiences below!

Turning 30

I turned 30 this year, and after a couple of years being in an erotic romance with my mental and emotional growth through various studies and training, I decided to make the beginning of this decade an erotic romance with my physical growth, mainly my strength.

You see, I’m a woman’s somatic sexuality guide, with a foundation in Psychology and half a life experience of yoga. Yoga for me has overall been a life philosophy; however, the asanas were also my main source of physical activity in my life for a long time.

I’d always wanted to learn pole dance though, so I decided this would be my birthday gift to myself, and I also knew I wanted to build a solid foundation of strength for pole so I took up Crossfit.

And something in me cracked open in a way I desperately needed.

Not only did I begin to feel stronger physically, I began to feel more embodied in my relationships, more confident and creative in my work, more disciplined in bringing to life my desires, more turned on by my own existence.

And the more research I do on this, the more I understand why.

What strength actually does in the female body

Strength training is not just about how a woman looks. It is one of the most powerful tools available for female hormonal health, longevity, and vitality over a lifetime.

Resistance training stimulates bone remodeling and has been shown to preserve bone mineral density in women, something that becomes increasingly critical as estrogen naturally declines with age and the risk of osteoporosis rises. Strength training also directly counters sarcopenia, the age related loss of muscle mass that begins as early as our 30s and accelerates dramatically after 40. Women with more lean muscle show better insulin sensitivity and glucose metabolism, lowering the risk of metabolic syndrome and diabetes over time.

In other words, strength is not vanity. Strength is one of the most evidence-based forms of anti-aging available to a woman, and its main cost is devotion and consistency.

Pole dance deserves its own mention here. It is a genuine strength sport, building serious grip, core, and upper body strength through holding and controlling your own body weight against gravity. But what I love the most is a pilot study that looked specifically at pole dance’s effect on women’s mental wellbeing and what researchers called sexual self-concept, essentially, how connected and confident a woman feels in her own sexuality. The researchers found measurable improvement in both which makes complete sense to me. A practice that demands this much body control and presence inevitably deepens your relationship to your own eroticism and power, not to mention the aspect of dance and sensual expression already built into it.

And in my own body, I have felt all of this directly. My hormones are more regulated, my energy is more stable, my nervous system feels exceptionally more resilient. I am simply more present and confident in my body than I have ever been, whether I am under a barbell or spinning on the pole, and that presence is inherently erotic. Eroticism, after all, is the creative life force that moves through everything. A woman who is strong has more of that force available to her, not less.

The cultural war against female strength

Here is another aspect that hits very close to home for me, as a woman who has struggled with disordered eating from the ripe age of 11 (and I am sure, sadly, many other women close to my age can relate to this). While I have come such a long way, it does not erase the historical imprints of the society we grew up in and are still currently living in.

We live in a culture that has spent decades teaching women that smallness, not strength, is the goal.

In the 1990s it was heroin chic. The aesthetic, popularized by models like Kate Moss, glorified an emaciated, fragile, almost childlike (COUGH COUGH PEDO CULTURE) thinness. The look emerged, ironically, as a direct cultural backlash against the healthy, athletic supermodels who came before. Strength and vitality in a woman’s body were quite literally replaced, on purpose, with the aesthetic of starvation and illness.

And here we are again. Hollywood’s current obsession with GLP-1 medications (which quite literally eat away our muscle) like Ozempic has ushered in what is now openly being called the return of extreme thinness, with red carpets in 2026 showing what observers describe as hollowed temples, pronounced clavicles, and a visible reduction in muscle tone. We are watching, in real time, the same cycle repeat itself with a new pharmaceutical mechanism attached.

A recent piece in the Harvard Political Review put words to something I have felt for a long time. The pursuit of extreme thinness in women is not incidental to patriarchy, it is one of its mechanisms. A woman preoccupied with shrinking her body is, by necessity, diverting time, energy, and mental bandwidth away from leadership, creativity, intellectual growth, and her own erotic life force. An undernourished woman cannot meet her full potential. She is, quite literally, given less room to take up space in the world because she has been taught to give up the room in her own body first.

Roxane Gay names this with devastating clarity in her memoir Hunger:

“This is what most girls are taught, that we should be slender and small. We should not take up space. We should be seen and not heard, and if we are seen, we should be pleasing to men, acceptable to society. And most women know this, that we are supposed to disappear, but it’s something that needs to be said, loudly, over and over again, so that we can resist surrendering to what is expected of us.”

Smallness was never about health. It has always been about control. And yes, it all lives in direct opposition to erotic aliveness.

The frozen woman cannot lift heavy things

I have written before about what I call the frozen woman, the version of us that goes numb to survive. She suppresses her appetite, her desire, her voice, her presence. She makes herself smaller because smaller has always felt safer.

But a woman who is lifting heavy weights cannot stay frozen. Strength training requires presence, it requires breath, it requires a willingness to feel resistance and push through it rather than shrink away from it. It is, in its own way, a direct somatic practice in being met by something hard and not collapsing.

This is the same skill required to be erotically alive. To meet pleasure, intensity, and intimacy without numbing out or making yourself smaller to manage someone else’s comfort.

The barbell (or the pole) and the bedroom are asking the same thing of a woman which is: Show up for yourself consistently, with devotion, take up the space your body needs, and do not apologize for the force you actually contain.

Strength as a birthright

A strong woman is not in opposition to a soft, erotic, feminine woman. She is the fullest expression of one.

Inside of my erotic arts school, we are learning to inhabit our bodies fully rather than shrinking them into something more palatable. I personally would not be where I am on my own strength journey if it were not for my foundation of erotic connection, then it is because of this journey of strength that now that very connection has been deepening. They dance together.

Strength, softness, hunger, and desire are not contradictions. They are all expressions of the same erotic life force, simply waiting for permission to take up the space they were always meant to occupy.

If you’re ready to begin reclaiming that space in your own life, I’d love to have you inside!

Join Now

Also, for more tips on erotic awakening and confidence as a woman, INITIATE is my free webinar where I share my 8-step process for you to begin living your most erotically embodied life starting today.

Access Now

I recently shared a post on Instagram that unsurprisingly hit home for thousands of readers.

I shared that over the years I’ve worked with countless women in the realm of sexual healing and a clear pattern has emerged from it.

It is not more technique, a new position, or a better toy. Rather the things women are craving most in the bedroom are so simple, and yet almost nobody is receiving them.

Here is what I hear, again and again.

3. More slowness.

2. To fully let go and receive.

1. And to be ravished.

Let’s dive deeper into each of them.

Slowness

This does not shock me at all.

We live in a culture that is only getting faster, especially in the age of technology, smart phones, and social media. Yet the body, left to its own intelligence, moves at an entirely different pace. When we are caught between the speed of society and the speed of our own nervous system, we feel it as a kind of internal static, a low hum of never quite arriving.

Sex educator Emily Nagoski’s research backs this up scientifically through what she calls the dual control model. Every person has both an accelerator and a set of brakes governing arousal. Men, on average, tend to have more sensitive accelerators. Women, on average, tend to have more sensitive brakes, tuned to notice every potential threat in the environment, every unresolved thought, every ounce of unprocessed stress.

This is not dysfunction. It is biology doing exactly what it was built to do.

Nagoski writes it plainly:

“Sexual desire and arousal are shaped by context, not character. You are not broken. You are a context-sensitive organism.”

Slowness is not foreplay as a checklist item, slowness is the context.

I believe this often pairs with another collective struggle I come across so often in my work, especially among heterosexual couples in particular, which is differences in libido; however, we often get it wrong.

We assume men in general have higher libidos, and this is not true. I would argue women are the ones more comparable to a continually yearning void (and I say this with the most love and reverence for the feminine, by the way). It’s just that women require a more meticulous approach to activating said libido, our brakes to this activation are more sensitive as I’ve just shared, and overall we need to better learn the approach of what both men and women require when it comes to turn on and touch, especially our differences, to find more fulfillment in intimacy.

Women require slowness, are slower to turn-on, but when we are the brightness of our sexual flame is truly incomparable.

Letting go and receiving fully

The second craving is harder for some to admit, because most women have spent their entire lives being trained out of it.

From a young age women are conditioned to perform pleasure outward, to anticipate needs, to give before being asked, to monitor everyone else’s experience before their own. Therefore, to actually feel safe, connected, and courageous enough to let go and simply receive is one of the most countercultural things a woman can do.

Esther Perel names this tension beautifully in her book Mating in Captivity:

“Erotic intimacy holds the double promise of finding oneself and losing oneself.”

To receive fully is to lose yourself for a moment, on purpose, without apology. It requires trust and a nervous system that believes, even briefly, that it does not have to manage anything.

Research on sexual authenticity backs this up directly. Studies on desire regulation found that when people suppress or manage their experience during sex rather than letting it be authentic, both their sexual satisfaction and their relationship satisfaction decrease, regardless of how much desire they actually felt going in. The managing is what breaks the experience, not the level of desire.

Perel also writes that “we need to be able to be momentarily selfish in order to be erotically connected.”

You could also say sovereign rather than selfish. It is a woman deciding, even for a few minutes, that her own experience is allowed to matter.

And of course, this requires an understanding and intentional approach from all parties involved, but in the end it is the woman who has to be the last one to either truly give this to herself, or block it.

To be ravished

And then there is the deepest craving of all, time and time again, whether I ask it as a poll on Instagram or I receive it as feedback inside of my erotic arts classes with women.

To be ravished is to be overwhelmingly chosen with such totality in that moment that you feel it in every layer of your being. It says: I want all of you, not the curated version, not the performance, all of it, until you feel met in your entirety.

A 2019 study of 662 heterosexual women published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy identified three specific factors that most strongly predict a woman’s experience of desire: intimacy, feeling celebrated for who she uniquely is, and what researchers called object-of-desire affirmation, in simple terms, the experience of being wanted.

Many sex therapists describe women’s desire as primarily responsive rather than spontaneous, meaning it is often activated by feeling desired rather than arising on its own. Feeling desired is not a nice bonus on top of sex. For many women, it is the very thing that generates desire in the first place.

This is not about consumption of her body that lacks reverence. It is about presence with the totality of her beingness taken to its fullest expression. A woman who is truly ravished does not feel used, she feels seen so completely that something in her finally exhales. This is the kind of aliveness that borders on transcendence, the kind that cannot be replicated by anything else.

It is a sacred communion of her fullness in the moment.

What this is actually asking for

None of these three desires are about a partner’s skill level. They are about presence, safety, and total attention. The research confirms what women already feel in their bodies: slowness allows the nervous system to actually arrive, authentic receiving (not managed performance) is what creates real satisfaction, and being desired is often the very spark that activates a woman’s own desire to begin with.

And as I’ve already mentioned, the fulfillment of these desires requires intention from all parties. The woman is not meant to wait like a damsel in distress until a man finally gives this to her. Rather, she can source this within herself first, and then when she is filled up from this place she will know what it means to not only be met here, but to be met and then expanded even deeper into it.

If you’re interested in dedicating yourself to this journey as a woman, this is exactly the work I do inside of The Serpent School for Female Erotic Arts and Embodiment. Creating space to slow down inside your own body, practicing what it actually feels like to receive without managing the experience, and learning to connect with the kind of presence that makes you feel ravished in the deepest sense of the word.

If you’re ready to begin claiming this in your own life, I’d love to have you inside.

Join Now

Also, inside my free workshop Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life I share my 8-step process for women to start living their most erotically embodied, confident, and authentic life beginning today!

Download Now

There is something that happens when a woman places her hands on her own body with genuine presence.

Not the rushed, functional touch of getting dressed or showering but rather the slow, curious, reverent touch of a woman who has decided that her own body is worth knowing.

Something shifts in her nervous system, her sense of self, and in the quiet, cellular knowing of what she is at her root.

A shift like this does not stay contained inside her. It moves outward, it dances into her relationships, her creativity, her work, her presence in the world, and into everyone who witnesses her.

This is a woman in her power, and it is exactly why touching yourself is radically necessary for our own collective evolution.

What was taken

In The Chalice and the Blade, Riane Eisler documents what archaeologists have found in the earliest human civilizations: partnership societies that honored the female body as sacred, goddess figurines, vulva carvings, evidence of cultures that understood female sexuality not as something to be controlled or managed but as a source of creative and spiritual power.

In Sacred Pleasure she goes further, arguing that the systematic suppression of female sexuality, the long campaign to make women afraid of their own bodies, ashamed of their own desire, and disconnected from their own pleasure, was not incidental to the rise of dominator culture. It was foundational to it.

A woman connected to her body is harder to control. She trusts herself, she feels when something is wrong, she knows what she wants, she can’t be told that her own experience isn’t real.

Disconnecting women from their bodies was not an accident. It was a strategy.

What the body actually does

When a woman touches herself with slowness and presence her nervous system begins to heal foundationally.

Oxytocin releases in larger quantities which is our bonding hormone, safety hormone, and the hormone that tells your entire system that you are held, and it is okay to open. Cortisol drops, and the body moves from sympathetic activation A.K.A. survival mode, a mode that is necessary in smaller doses but not chronically, toward parasympathetic rest and digest mode…or as I like to call it, rest and receive because it is exactly where women’s bodies need to be in order to receive pleasure and orgasm.

The brain’s primary pleasure and reward center activates with the same intensity as cocaine. Serotonin, dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin flood the system simultaneously which is the same neurochemical cocktail that psychedelic-assisted therapy is trying to recreate in clinical settings to treat trauma, anxiety, and depression. Pain thresholds increase. The part of the brain responsible for self-criticism and judgment goes quiet.

Your body produces all of this naturally anytime you are willing to arrive in it.

The pussy and pelvis

The entire sacred complex of the female pelvis holds more than most women have ever been taught, which is exactly why opening our relationship to touch this part of ourselves is so impactful.

I am not just speaking to masturbation specifically, I am speaking to touch in general with self-pleasure and orgasm being branches on the tree. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve worked with who cringe and tighten at the thought of simply placing their fingers inside of their vagina and simply sitting in that place. It is common yet it is not normal. To shift this is to heal.

The cells of our vaginal walls contain deep wisdom. The G-spot, or what I call the goddess spot, connects us to feral desire and abundance. The tissues of our vulva are the most water dense in the entire body, and because we know water carries consciousness and can be shaped by our thoughts, feelings, and experiences that means our vulva is the most sensitive to this.

Our womb connects us to creation, our breasts to nourishment and the heart center, our clitoris to external expression. Our sacrum connects us from our pelvis, through the spinal cord, out into the nervous system, and up through to the brain. It is all one interconnected Universe.

The cervix, which is the deepest place a woman can physically touch inside her own body, is the bridge between the physical and spiritual worlds. To reclaim her is to remember her as something more than just medical, as a psychedelic point that holds immense wisdom, power, and pleasure.

Tending to our pussy and pelvis with presence, with oil and massage, with slow and intentional touch, is not simply indulgent (though I absolutely support that as well). It is one of the most potent acts of healing medicine available to the female body.

The revolutionary part

Here is why this matters beyond you personally:

We live in a culture that profits from women’s disconnection from their bodies, from their dissatisfaction, from their numbness, their willingness to outsource their inner knowing to systems and algorithms rather than trusting what they feel in their own flesh.

A woman who touches herself with reverence is opting out of that system. She is saying: I am the primary authority on this body.

As Eisler writes in Sacred Pleasure, in the earliest societies our most intimate connections, including the connection of a woman to her own sexuality and eroticism, were still understood as sacred rather than profane. They were understood as pathways to our highest potentials.

We are not reclaiming something new, we are remembering something ancient.

The invitation

Every woman who comes home to her body gives permission to every woman around her to do the same.

Your self-touch is not selfish.

It is medicine, memory, and a collective revolutionary act.

This is exactly what we tend to inside of my erotic arts school monthly. Our Cervix Mapping and Massage Embodiment Ceremony is happening live tomorrow, and you also gain access to several self-guided yoni massage and mapping practices as soon as you join.

Join Here

If you’re interested in my free webinar Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life where I share my 8-step process for you to embodying your most erotically confident self beginning today, click the button below to access it now!

Access Here

We live in a culture that has numbed ourselves toward death the same way we have numbed ourselves toward sexuality.

We’ve made it unsafe for dinner table talk. We do not prepare for it as if it is the only thing in life promised to us. We rarely if ever sit with it, honor it, or let it teach us anything.

Instead we medicate it, sanitize it, hide it in hospitals and nursing homes, and then act surprised when we lose people we love and have no language for what we feel.

Here is what I want to tell you: this quiet war on death is the same war as the one on eroticism. They are the same avoidance, the same armor, the same refusal to be fully in contact with the fragility and the ferocity of being alive.

You cannot be erotically alive while you are running from death. They are the same door.

Eros and Thanatos

Freud understood this intuitively even if his framework was imperfect. He named two fundamental drives that animate all human life: Eros, the life force, the drive toward creation, connection, and desire. And Thanatos, the death drive, the pull toward dissolution, rest, and return.

He did not see them as opposites. Instead, he saw them as partners, as two poles of the same aliveness.

However, what Freud missed, and what ancient traditions knew long before him, is that Thanatos is not the enemy of Eros. It is its deepest teacher.

A woman who has made peace with death, dissolution, and grief knows how to want. A woman who has eroticized death has done so because she knows it inhabits her body, knows she can never separate herself from it, knows it is woven into who she is.

The same way her sexuality is.

What other cultures understood that we forgot

In Mexico, Día de los Muertos does not hide death behind closed doors. It brings it to the table, quite literally. I had the privilege of being in Mexico City this past year for the entire season, and it was so beautiful.

Families build altars with food, photographs, marigolds, the favorite objects of those who have passed on. They laugh, cry, dance, grieve, and genuinely celebrate. They eat and drink with their loved ones, dead and alive.

In Japan, the concept of mono no aware (物の哀れ), the bittersweet awareness of impermanence, is considered not a source of grief but of profound beauty. It is described as a Buddhist-like insistence upon recognition of the eternal flux of life and part of the authentic Japanese attitude toward death and its transience. The cherry blossoms are beautiful precisely because they fall.

In Taoist philosophy, death is not the opposite of life. Rather it is a transformation, a release, a return to the source from which all life springs. Taoism sees death as just another phase in life. The yin does not fear the yang, the dark does not fear the light. They require each other and are two parts of one whole.

In the West we built a civilization more-so around the denial of death, and just as I have referenced in past articles we have medicalized it to a point that often feels like there is no return, the same way we have with cervical pleasure and with the birthing process.

We’ve created anti-aging creams for teenagers because god forbid we are reminded of the process of life’s natural cycle through our female faces.

We uphold a beauty culture that worships youth as if aging itself were a failure, and research confirms what most women already feel: the older a woman gets the more invisible she becomes. Her desirability, her relevance, her very presence judged as diminishing with every year. This is not solely aging. It is a culture so terrified of death that it exiles the women who most embody it.

Similarly, we built a sexual culture that performs aliveness rather than feeling it.

Death within life and the cycles we refuse

Here is what the female body already knows that we keep forgetting.

The womb dies every month. The uterine lining that spent weeks building itself, rich, vascular, and ready, releases. Bleeds. Returns to the earth. Dies. And then begins again.

This is not a tragedy. This is the most faithful demonstration of the erotic principle available to us: that death and renewal are not opposites but one continuous movement, a spiral continuing inward to the infinite, warm, sensual void. The ending is not the enemy of the beginning, it is a release and a transformation of what was in order to make room for what is coming.

The feminine cycle mirrors the moon: dark moon, new moon, full moon, waning moon. Death, gestation, fullness, release. Every single month. The female body is a living teacher on how to die and be reborn without catastrophizing either.

And our relationships move through these same cycles. Every long-term relationship contains multiple deaths, if you allow it. And if you don’t, well, it will happen anyway, just must more uncomfortably. The death of who you were when you met, the death of a version of the partnership that no longer fits, the death of expectations, fantasies, illusions. Research shows that when individuals are confronted with their own mortality, they work harder to maintain close relationships and deepen their adherence to what gives their life meaning. Death, even the small deaths within a relationship, asks us to return to what is essential.

A relationship that cannot die cannot grow. A woman who resists this will always be in a continual struggle.

The research on mortality and aliveness

Terror Management Theory found something remarkable: Reflecting on one’s own death enhanced levels of gratitude in study participants as well as their appreciation of the simple pleasures in life.

Experiencing mortality salience in the right context can ignite moral benefits like increasing tolerance of others and increasing one’s desire to be their best self. Studies show that people act in more prosocial ways in the week following death prompts.

Thinking about death makes us more grateful, more present, more loving, more alive, and thus more erotic.

After all, in French, orgasm is called “la petite mort” which literally translates as “the little death.”

This is not morbid, it is ancient wisdom confirmed by modern science.

Audre Lorde wrote that the erotic is the deepest knowledge of our own capacity for joy, and that we have been taught to suppress it in the same way we have been taught to suppress everything that reminds us we are mortal, animal, temporary, and therefore precious.

The frozen woman is not necessarily afraid of desire, she is afraid of impermanence. She is afraid that if she opens fully, she will have to feel how fleeting everything is, how much she loves, how little time there is, how deeply it will hurt when it ends.

So she stays numb. It is safer there.

To want is to accept that you will lose

This is the teaching nobody tells you about eroticism.

To be fully, erotically alive is to be in full contact with impermanence. To love a body knowing it will age. To desire someone knowing they will leave or die or change beyond recognition. To say yes to pleasure knowing it will pass. To feel joy knowing grief is its shadow.

An erotically alive woman is not a woman who has escaped loss, she is a woman who has decided that the aliveness is worth the grief.

She has died enough small deaths and allowed herself to fall in love with them. She has experienced enough endings, enough losses, enough shedding of who she used to be, that she knows she can survive them. She was made for it. The shedding of the serpent, if you will. And that knowledge is what frees her to want without holding back.

Eroticism is not the absence of death. It is desire in full knowledge of death. The cherry blossom on the branch.

You do not become more erotically alive by avoiding endings, you become more erotically alive by learning to let things die and drinking in the medicine of that, over and over again.

This is the work we do inside The Serpent School of Female Erotic Arts and Embodiment, not bypassing the dark but learning to inhabit it fully in order to discover the profound aliveness waiting on the other side.

Join Now

I also created a free workshop for women who feel called to connect to eros in their own lives.

It’s called Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life, and inside I share my 8 steps to begin living your most erotically embodied life starting today.

Click the button below and it’s yours now:

Download Now

Something has gone wrong with how we talk about the feminine.

I say this as a somatic sexuality coach who has dedicated her life to teaching women how to come home to their feminine nature. I say this as a woman who has done years of her own work to understand what it actually means to inhabit this energy. And I say this because I think the wellness and embodiment world has accidentally created a new cage for women while trying to free them from the old one.

The cage looks like this: softness as an excuse for collapse. Feminine energy as permission to avoid hard things. Emotions as weapons rather than weather. The cycle as a reason to never be consistent. Slowness as a spiritual bypass for discipline.

This is not the feminine. This is a facade. And it’s the opposite of eroticism.

What the feminine actually is

Before we go further, this is an important distinction I like to make with my own clients and students between female and feminine. Being female is of the body, it is a biological and physiological existence. It is the womb, the hormonal cycles, the particular intelligence of the female nervous system and its need for oxytocin.

Being guided by your feminine is an energy, a universal force that can be found cross-continentally and culturally. Yin represents the feminine and is often associated with darkness, intuition, receptivity, and the moon. Yang, the masculine energy, is connected with light, action, assertiveness, and the sun.

This energy exists in all of us, our existence is a microcosm for universal existence within All That Is. Whereas masculine energy is solar, radiant, and extroverted, feminine energy is lunar, mysterious, and introverted. One seeks light, the other delights in the fertile darkness from which all life springs.

In Hindu cosmology, Shiva symbolizes pure consciousness, stillness, and the formless essence of the universe. Shakti represents energy, dynamism, and the creative force that brings the universe into motion. Without Shiva, Shakti’s energy would be aimless. Without Shakti, Shiva’s consciousness would remain inert.

Notice what Shakti is: Not passive. Not emotionally uncontained. She is the creative force that brings the universe into motion. She is energy. She is dynamism. She creates.

And yes, we see that energy represented in the biggest way within the female body.

The real feminine is a force of creation

Clarissa Pinkola Estés understood this. In Women Who Run With the Wolves she writes that “a healthy woman is much like a wolf: robust, chock-full, strong life force, life-giving, territorially aware, inventive, loyal, roving.” Not meager, collapsed, nor hiding behind her sensitivity as a reason to never show up.

She also writes:

“The psyches and souls of women also have their own cycles and seasons of doing and solitude, running and staying, being involved and being removed, questing and resting, creating and incubating, being of the world and returning to the soul-place.”

The feminine is not permanent rest, perpetual softness, nor eternal lack of discipline or hard work. It is the intelligence to know which season you are in, the understanding of balance, and the courage to fully inhabit this.

The womb is the ultimate symbol of feminine energy. And what does the womb do? It creates. It gestates. It labors. It births. There is nothing passive about what the womb does. There is deep, slow, invisible work happening in the dark, and then there is the most primal, powerful act of bringing something into the world.

That is the feminine. Not the avoidance of effort but rather the wisdom of how and when to direct it.

The difference between feeling and flooding of emotions

If I could scream this from the rooftops, I would.

Honoring your emotions is sacred. Feeling fully, letting grief move through you, letting rage have a voice, letting joy overflow…this is feminine wisdom at its most potent. The female nervous system was designed to feel deeply and that depth is not a weakness, it is a gift.

But there is a difference between feeling your emotions in a container and using them as a weapon or an excuse. Between processing and being possessed by. Between honoring what moves through you and flooding everyone around you with unregulated energy and calling it authenticity.

Emotional dysregulation is not the feminine. It is a nervous system that needs support, and there is no shame in that. Many of us carry enormous amounts of unprocessed pain; however, healing that pain and calling the dysregulation itself “the feminine” are two very different things.

The feminine at its most powerful is not the woman who falls apart and lives there. It is the woman who can feel everything and remain rooted. Who can be moved without being swept away. Who can express her truth without destroying the container she is in.

On slowness and the misunderstanding of feminine rhythm

Slowness is medicine. I believe this completely, and in fact, I preach it regularly, but nuance is incredibly important.

In a world that has demanded male output from female bodies, learning to slow down, to listen, to receive, to rest in the lunar cycles of your own nature is revolutionary.

But slowness is not the destination, it is the pathway, it is the dance.

The moon does not stay full forever. It wanes, goes dark, and then begins to grow again toward fullness. The womb rests and then it creates. The feminine cycle moves through all of its phases including the phase of doing, building, expressing, and manifesting in the world.

When we freeze ourselves permanently in the yin we are not honoring the feminine. We are half of it. We aren’t wholly human, and that’s what I mean about it opposing eroticism.

Eroticism is the experience of being wholly human, and when we disregard this we spend our lives feeling less than satiated continually and wondering why.

This is why.

The other half is the full moon, ovulation, creative explosion, and the outward expression of everything that was gestated in the dark.

As Estés writes: “A woman’s creative ability is her most valuable asset, for it gives outwardly and feeds her inwardly at every level: psychic, spiritual, mental, emotive, and economic.”

Giving outwardly, feeding inwardly. Both directions are needed, always.

What got lost in translation

There’s more than one sect of this social media-fication of the feminine floating around online.

The ladylike ideal of “be quiet, be small, be pleasing, never take up space” was never the feminine. It was control masquerading as femininity.

The fundamentalist submission narrative a.k.a. “your only purpose is to serve, your desires don’t matter, your body belongs to someone else”, was never the feminine either. It was oppression in a religious costume.

The feminine being minimized to “10 tips on how to manipulate him to love you”. I mean, it gets the views after all…

And again…

The wellness world version: Stay soft, never push, the feminine doesn’t hustle, protect your energy at all costs, your emotions are always valid no matter what they cost others…this is a Walmart version of the feminine. A processed food version.

While I understand it is well-meaning, it is a misunderstanding nonetheless.

So let me give it to you straight:

Working hard toward something that you care about is deeply sexy.

Discipline toward your goals is erotic as fuck.

Your emotions are sacred but as a form of processing, not possession.

Softness is a pathway, not an eternal destination.

And absolutely none of this means you are sacrificing your feminine nature, quite the opposite.

Bringing the nature of the feminine into it, the entirety of her cyclical nature, is what will inevitably lead to abundance, to fulfillment, to an erotic life of meaning.

For many years, I avoided the gym. I only did yoga. I love yoga at its core, so it was destiny in that way for my life, but I also thought if I went to the gym it wasn’t feminine enough.

I thought if I got to the point of being tired from working too hard on my business it wasn’t “aligned for me”.

I thought if my partner needed space from my emotions he “couldn’t handle me”.

And now I sit here thinking, holy FUCK, I am so glad I’ve evolved past all of this in my own life because now as a woman who works hard as fuck in a business she loves, goes to Crossfit multiple times a week and lifts heavy weights, and has a beautiful life with a partner who grounds me and lifts me up in all of the best ways…

I feel more feminine than ever before.

That is what I want women to reclaim: Not permission to eternally collapse, not an excuse to avoid the hard and necessary work of our lives, not emotional possession and volatility, but the wholeness of what it means to be human, to be woman.

In her fire, in her water, in her earth, in her air.

The feminine is not the opposite of effort.

She is the intelligence that knows what is worth the effort.

This is the work we do inside The Serpent School for Female Erotic Arts and Embodiment. Rather than softening ourselves to the point of passivity, we come home to the full spectrum of what it means to inhabit a female body with all of her wildness, wisdom, power, and eros.

Join Now

Also, inside my free workshop Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life I share my 8-step process for women to start living their most feminine and erotically embodied life beginning today.

Download Now

As Naomi Wolf writes in her book Vagina, “The vagina began as sacred.” .

From the beginning, as humankind emerged from prehistory, the female body was not something to be managed nor solely medicalized. It was meant to be revered as a source of creation, wisdom, and devotion.

Then we forgot. Or more accurately, we were made to forget.

The G-spot is one of the most vivid examples of this amnesia.

It was never his to name.

The G-spot was named after German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg, who published research on urethral stimulation in the 1950s. However, his research was largely forgotten until the 1980s when sexologists John Perry and Beverly Whipple rediscovered it and decided to rename it after him.

What they renamed was called the urethral sponge, which was a name that had existed long before Gräfenberg. Awareness of this area connected to female pleasure, as well as the sacred fluid it can produce, goes back millennia. The 17th century Dutch physician Regnier de Graaf described female ejaculation and referred to an erogenous zone in the vagina linked to the male prostate. (The contents of female ejaculate have been chemically analyzed and found to closely resemble secretions from the male prostate.) Before him, ancient texts reference it. The Kamasutra describes it. Tantric traditions honored it.

I prefer to call it the goddess spot. Because it was always hers.

The ancient Tantrics knew.

The meaning of tantra is an instrument for expansion, and although it originally was not rooted in sex, it was rooted in life, Tantrikas understood life itself is created through sex.

They understood the body itself is the ultimate instrument of expansion, including female g-spot pleasure.

Female ejaculate was called Amrita and known as divine nectar, the drink of immortality. In Tantric practice spanning both Hindu and Buddhist traditions, the release of Amrita was considered a sacred act believed to enhance vitality, awaken higher consciousness, and carry profound healing properties. The Taoist Tantra masters called this area of the body the Palace of Yin, and it was considered most auspicious for a woman to offer her Amrita, known in Chinese as Moon Flower medicine, as a gift of life force.

These were not myths or metaphors. They were an understanding of the female body that our modern world has yet to fully return to.

Does it even exist? The debate medicine is still having

A team at King’s College London conducted the largest study on the G-spot’s existence, involving 1,800 women, and found no proof that the G-spot exists as a distinct anatomical structure.

And yet in studies by Perry and Whipple, 90 to 100 percent of up to 400 women identified a sensitive area on the anterior vaginal wall.

Here is what I want to say about this debate: I am generally a great lover and nerd when it comes to female anatomy and body literacy, but there are moments when the insistence on proving something through a particular anatomical lens becomes its own form of gaslighting. Hundreds of millions of women, including myself, have experienced this area of the body as profoundly sensitive, deeply pleasurable, and sometimes transcendent. That lived experience is data.

The more current understanding is that what we call the G-spot is not a single spot at all. Scientists recently renamed it the Clitoral Urethral Vagina Complex because researchers felt the name G-spot was causing women to search for a magical button rather than appreciating the complex interplay of multiple aspects of female anatomy.

Which I actually do believe to be true and relevant.

The north pole and the south pole

The clitoris and the goddess spot are not separate things competing for attention. Instead, they are two poles of the same erotic body.

The urethral sponge surrounds the clitoral nerve, and since the two are so closely interconnected, stimulation of the clitoris may stimulate the nerve endings of the urethral sponge and vice versa.

I teach this as the north pole and south pole. The clitoris is the north pole…external, direct, more immediate. The goddess spot is the south pole…internal, deeper, more physiologically expansive. They are like magical gates. Open one and the other becomes more accessible. Touch them together and the whole body begins to speak.

And then there are the breasts which amplifies it all even more.

Research at Rutgers University found that nipple stimulation activates the medial paracentral lobule which is the same brain region that responds to stimulation of the clitoris, vagina, and cervix. They are all connected which means the breasts are not separate from the erotic body, they are a doorway into it, and work as a gate as well.

Breasts to clitoris to g-spot to cervix. A continuous pathway of feminine erotic intelligence, each one opening the next. This is not just mysticism, it is also neuroscience.

On squirting, ejaculation, and the pee sensation

One of the biggest reasons women block their own pleasure at the goddess spot is the fear that they are going to pee.

What the research actually shows is that female ejaculation and squirting are two distinct events. Female ejaculation is the release of a small amount of thick whitish fluid from the Skene’s glands, also known as the female prostate, with biochemical markers comparable to male semen. Squirting is the expulsion of a generally larger volume of clear fluid from the bladder, which contains varying concentrations of urea alongside prostate-specific antigen from the Skene’s glands.

It’s important for women to understand you can orgasm vaginally without squirting, and you can also squirt without orgasming.

None of them are wrong, they are all equally sexy and divine.

I say this because many women are waiting for one to accompany the other, and it can block the experience altogether.

Helpful tips, techniques, and somatic reframes

Oftentimes due to the sensation of urination, the tendency is to squeeze, tighten, and pull back.

I get it, but it is actually the opposite of what you want to do at this moment. Instead, do the opposite.

Relax fully. Breathe deeply into your pelvis and pussy, and even push out a bit.

I promise you whatever happens will be delicious as fuck to both you, if you are on your own, as well as your lover.

And remember deeper vaginal orgasms often require a different approach than the clitoris. It can take more time, deeper relaxation, a mix of going between the clitoris and the g-spot, adding in breast stimulation, and letting go even more of the fear of being witnessed in your pleasure.

The goal is not only focusing on the g-spot here because we now know how everything is intrinsically connected and enhances one another. Use the tools you have.

What I’ve come to know about this spot is how alive she feels when I actually take the time to understand her, and in this way she feels exceptionally erotic.

Eroticism is not something that happens to you. It is something that moves through you when you are finally inhabiting yourself fully. The g-spot requires this inhabitation deeply.

The archetype of the slut and its connection to your abundance

This brings me to my original inspiration for this article.

The goddess spot is the seat of what I call feral desire, the kind of desire that is not performed for anyone, not managed for anyone’s comfort, not suppressed to stay safe and likable. It is the desire that lives in the body when a woman has finally given herself permission to want, to hunger.

As a women’s somatic sexuality coach, when I teach the slut archetype I describe her simply as a woman who prioritizes her own pleasure and utilizes her authentic desire as a direct pathway into it.

To heal the slut archetype is to awaken the g-spot simultaneously, because this is exactly what this spot requires from us.

In ancient traditions, the goddess of love was described as offering her nectar to the world, not from a place of depletion but rather overflow. From a body so full of its own aliveness that it yearned to give from this place.

That is what becomes available when a woman heals her relationship with this part of her body. When she stops bracing against sensation, against depth, against the vulnerability of being fully felt. When she fully lets go and allows herself to be satiated.

The pelvis and the pussy are directly connected to a woman’s brain, to her creativity, her identity, and her intuition. A woman who prioritizes and nurtures this connection is able to make decisions from a place of deep somatic and soul alignment.

That soul alignment is the ticket to wealth and abundance in this lifetime, a type of wealth and abundance that will not drain you from your lifeforce but rather be created from that lifeforce.

And what is that lifeforce enhanced by? By creating a relationship with your pussy, especially your g-spot, and tending to that regularly.

Your knowing is in your nectar, honey.

This is exactly what we are tending to inside of The Serpent School for Female Erotic Arts and Embodiment in May. Our monthly yoni mapping and massage ceremony is focusing specifically on the G-spot, and we’ll be live for it together tomorrow (with cameras turned off). I’d love to guide you deeper into your own journey here!

Enroll Here

Also, inside my free webinar Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life I share my 8-step process for women to start living their most erotically embodied, confident, and authentic life beginning today.

Download Here

The word whore originally meant one who desires, which since my original discovery of this has stuck with me for years.

Its root, from the Proto-Indo-European word qār, simply meant to like or to desire. This is same root that eventually gave us the words caress, charity, and cherish. A whore was not a shameful woman, she was a woman who wanted, but in this day and age the two are oftentimes paired together.

It was only later, through centuries of religious, cultural, and patriarchal conditioning, that a woman’s desire became something to be controlled, punished, and ultimately weaponized against her.

This also connects to the origin story of the Madonna-Whore Complex.

The split that lives inside most women

The Madonna-Whore Complex was first identified by Sigmund Freud in the early 1900s and was explained as a psychological phenomenon in which women are placed into one of two categories: the Madonna, who is pure, virtuous, and nurturing, or the whore, who is sexualized, promiscuous, and morally condemned. But of course, never both.

Freud observed this as a male psychological pattern, but what most people don’t discuss is what happens to women who spend their entire lives being sorted into one of these two boxes: They end up as the ones who split themselves.

The Madonna lives in most women as the mother, the caretaker, the one who gives and gives without asking for anything in return. The one who has learned, often from watching her own mother and her mother’s mother, that her pleasure is at best unimportant or belongs to someone else and at worst shameful and dirty.

Research confirms that sexual activity in most cultures is less pleasurable and associated with greater cost for women than for men even though women do not differ from men in their biological capacity for pleasure. Actually, from my own years of study and practice as a women’s sexuality coach, I’d argue women and the female body have a much more unique and grand pleasure potential.

This complex is not a biological reality, it is a conditioned one passed down through mother lines that never learned to tend to their own desire, through religion that made the body sinful, and through a culture that still does not have a neutral word for a woman who simply knows what she wants and prioritizes that.

The word slut tells a similar story from a different angle.

It first appeared in the late 1300s simply meaning untidy or unkempt and was often used to describe a messy man. It had nothing to do with sexuality. However, over the following centuries it shifted to primarily to women and morality.

How interesting that we started to take a word that meant dirty and direct it toward sexuality.

Two words yet a similar contortion and weaponization: Take anything associated with women and desire and make it shameful, make her afraid of her own wanting, make the very language she uses to describe herself a source of harm.

This is not coincidence.

Pleasure is not a luxury.

Here is what I want you to understand about pleasure that nobody teaches women:

Pleasure is not a reward, it is not something you earn after you have taken care of everyone else, it is not frivolous nor selfish.

Pleasure is intelligence. It is the body’s direct feedback system, and the clearest signal available to you about what is nourishing, what is depleting, what is aligned, and what is not, and your desire is a direct pathway into it.

A woman who is connected to her pleasure, and similarly connected to her pain, knows herself. This is an erotic woman.

A woman who has been severed from this is easy to control.

The pelvis and pussy are the seat of this intelligence, where a woman’s creative force, her erotic power, and her capacity for deep fulfillment and aligned purpose lives.

When a woman is disconnected from her pelvis, pussy, pleasure, and pain she is disconnected from her own authority. She outsources her knowing and retreats to her head because her body has become unsafe.

This is the wound that the slut archetype helps to heal.

My interpretation of the slut

When I explore this archetype with the women I work with, I teach it not from the place of sexual promiscuity (which, by the way, can absolutely work for some women) but as a woman who prioritizes her pleasure and desire.

It is not just about reclaiming the word, it is about giving women the opportunity to understand the vast variety of women that actually live inside of them at all times: The maiden, the mother, the slut, the crone, the wild woman, the huntress, the priestess, and so on.

The archetype of the slut is the woman has made peace and began to embrace her hunger for more.

Who has looked at the Madonna-Whore Complex and lives in both boxes as her birthright.

She is not the good girl who shrinks her hunger to stay likable and safe.

She is the woman who knows what she wants and who has decided that her desire is not a problem to be managed but a wise, erotic, and all-powerful compass to be followed.

This is exactly the theme we’ll be exploring inside of my erotic arts school this month, the archetype of the Slut and the Madonna-Whore Complex. If it feels resonant and alive for you, join us for our workshop on it tomorrow, as well as our exploration of it the entire month of May.

Join Now

Also, inside my free workshop Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life I share my 8-step process for women to start living their most erotically embodied, confident, and authentic life beginning today.

Download Now

I am 30 years old now, and I can remember meeting my now part of 6 years at the age of 24.

I had spent the previous 2 years entirely celibate after college, traveling solo, and I had recently returned from Asia to fulfill a dream of receiving my yoga teacher certification.

The combination of these 3 things had brought me immense clarity, but it was also a special moment because I knew even before meeting him in person that my celibacy was about to end, and life was about to shift.

It did.

On our second date though, before I had officially ended my celibacy, I remember telling him: The problem with relationships today is we expect our partners to be a replacement for God, and it leads to endless disappointment.

He agreed, we fell in love soon after, and making it a priority to maintain our individuality, self- source, and remain close to the divine all while melting into said love have always been of high value to us.

By the way, let me be clear: When I say God here, I am speaking to whatever that means to you, whether that is God, Spirit, Source, the Divine, All That Is, etc. Use what works for you.

The paradox of independent women versus mainstream monogamy

There’s a paradox that I often see happening, or perhaps it’s just a pattern that I believe requires a lot more nuance.

On one hand, especially in many women’s spaces, we emphasize that a woman who is truly whole doesn’t need her partner to fulfill her in any deep way. That needing is weakness. That attachment is a wound.

And then in the same breath, we turn to our partners and expect them to be our passionate lover, our best friend, our emotional support system, our financial provider, our co-parent, our spiritual companion, and our primary source of intimacy and connection.

No wonder so many women are unsatisfied.

What the numbers say

Approximately 40-45% of first marriages in the United States will end in divorce, second marriages have a 60% divorce rate, and third marriages exceed 70%.

Research confirms that marriage is not a determinant of sexual satisfaction, and in fact it can be a negative correlate when married respondents are compared to certain unmarried groups.

And yet we keep building the same container expecting different results. The same impossible container where one person is supposed to be everything.

Esther Perel saw this coming

In the book Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel writes about something that I think about constantly which is that today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.

And the consequence of that, is that we are often left disappointed.

So many women don’t like to hear it, but as a women’s somatic sex and relationship coach myself, my advice so much of the time is actually the opposite of what I often see advised: Have less expectations.

This does not mean sacrificing value nor desire, it means using discernment and creativity when it comes to where these values and desires can be sourced.

Two or three generations ago, there was more intimacy found in community, in same-sex friendships, in ritual, in religious and spiritual life. Marriage was a partnership but without the expectation of total fulfillment.

We dismantled the village, we isolated ourselves into nuclear units, and then we handed one person the job that used to take an entire community.

The desire problem

Ester said it perfectly:

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you. Desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, the unexpected. Love is about having. Desire is about wanting.”

We have built our partnerships entirely around love, but love in the sense of closeness, merging, knowing, and ultimately: safety.

Around the idea that if we keep everything out that could be a potential threat to its loss, we’re doing the right thing.

It’s interesting because as someone who has practiced yoga for half of my life, I keep its meaning close to me: “to yoke,” “bind,” or “unite” individual consciousness with divine consciousness.

In a way, we have accidentally tried doing that with our partners instead.

Then we wonder why we are left simultaneously wanting more from them while desiring them less.

Unfortunately, it is often difficult to want what we already fully possess.

And it is hard to feel pulled toward someone who has abandoned their sense of autonomy and who we’ve meshed with entirely, because we can no longer truly feel them authentically, nor can we feel ourselves.

What we actually need

This isn’t an argument against monogomy, partnership, or commitment. It is an argument for more nuance.

Women need community. We need friendships that go deep. We need spiritual practice that belongs to us alone. We need creative work, erotic aliveness, connection to something larger than our relationship.

Not as a way to abandon that relationship either, but to feed and fuel it more.

We need a relationship with our own bodies and desire that is independent of our partners.

When a woman is full within herself, when she has places she goes that her partner doesn’t follow, when she has a relationship with her own eroticism that doesn’t depend on another entirely, she comes alive again.

That is what Perel means when she writes that everyone should cultivate a secret garden: not secrecy as betrayal but interiority as medicine.

The divine, the source, the God you hunger for, that relationship is real and it matters. But it was never meant to replace the human ones. And your partner was never meant to replace it either.

As humans we were always meant to need each other, this is true, especially as beings with nervous systems that seek safety.

Yet even as a somatic sexuality coach myself, I know this body is not all I am, I know that it also houses a soul.

That soul does not seek safety, it seeks depth and an erotic union with the mystery.

This is often the greatest dance of all.

May you utilize your partner to bring you closer to Spirit but not as a replacement for Spirit.

And so it is.

If this resonated with you, and you are ready to devote to the erotic as a way of life, including bringing more nuance to your relationship, join my erotic arts school.

Join Now

Also, inside my free workshop Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life I share my 8-step process for women to start living their most erotically embodied, confident, and authentic life beginning today.

Download Now

Garden of Delani is written by Somatic Sexologist and Female Embodiment Guide Delani Morgan. This content is intended as general guidance; however, if you are ready to go deeper into awakening your body, femininity, and eroticism you can do so by joining The Serpent School of Female Erotic Arts and Embodiment. I would love to guide you on your journey!

A couple of weeks ago I posted a reel comparing cervical orgasms to a psychedelic trip, and it quickly became one of my highest converting reels-to-followers.

I wasn’t surprised because several years ago, before my original TikTok account got deleted for “violating guidelines”, I shared something similar and it amassed over a million views.

It showed me that although the cervix is often discarded, mistreated, or simply ignored so many women are still yearning for the truth of their bodies, whether consciously or not.

The cervix holds a lot of that truth.

Sadly, most women’s only relationship with their cervix happens once a year in a cold doctor’s office, legs in stirrups, while a stranger scrapes cells from it for a pap smear.

Or through painful sex that made them wonder if something was wrong with them.

That’s it. That’s the entire relationship most women have with one of the most neurologically extraordinary parts of their body.

It’s time to shift that.

The lie that started everything

In 1954, Alfred Kinsey, a so-called father of the sexual revolution, declared that the cervix was “the most completely insensitive part of the female genital anatomy.”

Medicine took this and ran. The conclusion that followed, and that still lives in gynecology today, was that the cervix has no sensory nerves, feels nothing, and can be cut or removed without consequence to a woman’s sexual life.

That is the foundation on which modern gynecology was built.

The cervix is not like the rest of the vagina

Here is what most people don’t know:

The clitoris and the rest of the vagina are connected to the brain through the spinal cord. Nerve signals travel up through the pudendal and pelvic nerves, via the spinal cord, and eventually reach the brain. This is why spinal cord injuries can eliminate genital sensation entirely.

The cervix is different.

The cervix connects to the vagus nerve, which runs directly to the brainstem without passing through the spinal cord at all.

It has a direct line to the brain that bypasses everything. Which is why, in a 2004 fMRI study at Rutgers University, women with complete spinal cord injuries were able to experience orgasm from cervical stimulation, their brains activating in the hypothalamus, amygdala, insular cortex, and cerebellum.

The spinal cord was severed yet the cervix still experienced pleasure and orgasm directly to the brain via the vagus nerve.

Why it feels like a psychedelic

Cervical orgasm causes the natural release of DMT which is the same molecule produced in psychedelic plant medicines. Women report transcendental states, dissolution of self, visions, and full body experiences unlike anything else.

And it makes neurological sense. Vagino-cervical stimulation and orgasm stimulate the vagal nerve and increase the secretion of oxytocin, noradrenalin and serotonin simultaneously. That is a full neurochemical flood, and it creates the same cocktail that psychedelic-assisted therapy is trying to recreate in clinical settings to treat trauma and depression.

Research confirms (and so does the personal experience of my female body) that clitoral orgasms are rated as sharper, easier, and more controllable, while deeper orgasms are rated as wilder, more pulsating, and extending.

Essentially: The cervical orgasm is not linear in the same way as a clitoral orgasm is. It is not the familiar build, peak, and crash. It is circular, more wavelike. It is more feminine, if you will. It moves through the whole body rather than concentrating and releasing in one place. Women describe it as something that keeps expanding rather than something that “finishes”.

It is an entirely different nervous system event.

Trauma lives here too

The vagus nerve is also the nerve most implicated in trauma. It governs the freeze response, the shutdown, the dissociation, which is what Polyvagal Theory calls the body’s most ancient survival mechanism.

The cervix sits at the intersection of the vagus nerve and the deepest interior of the female body. She is the deepest place women can touch physically on their bodies. Which means trauma can live here, in the tissue, in the bracing and the numbing, in the painful sex that never got investigated because medicine decided this part of the body doesn’t feel.

The cervix tells the truth, whether that truth is painful or pleasurable.

Individuals who have suffered sexual trauma often close down sexually as a means of protection. Their bodies tense, entering intimacy with hypervigilance rather than presence. The clinical use of psychedelics is now being explored specifically to dissolve this armoring and allow survivors to return to their own bodies.

The cervix, approached with slowness and self-generated safety, can do something similar. Not through a substance but through the vagus nerve itself, the same pathway that delivers the psychedelic experience, activated from within.

This is not the same approach as the clitoris

This is not something you can rush toward. It is not something you can demand from a partner or achieve through friction and will.

The cervix requires a relationship of honesty. She requires that you meet her first, on your own, with your own hands and your own presence, before she opens. She is the part of you that holds your deepest boundaries, your most sacred interior, your capacity for the kind of pleasure that quite literally shifts the way you see the world.

As a women’s somatic sexuality coach, I make it my mission to guide women in developing a relationship with their cervix that goes beyond medical.

This the birthing bridge between the spiritual and physical realms, and its power of creation is immense.

Through intention, meditation, breath, and touch we can start to deepen this relationship, and eventually we can bring our lovers into the relationship as well.

I’ve found the most powerful approach to this type of orgasm is not to focus on the orgasm at all, but on touch, on presence, on love, and on slowness.

I utilize pelvic massage and mapping in my own life as well as an integral part of the work I do with my own female students and clients, and the impacts are incredible.

I’ve had women be able to simply touch and feel their cervix for the first time, because her cervix finally felt safe enough to pop her face out. I’ve had them cry tears of grief after finally being able to process old trauma that couldn’t find it’s way through by any other means.

And perhaps these experiences can be intimidating because this area is less about surface-level pleasure (which I fucking love, by the way) and more about meeting the truth, depth, and love of who we are as women.

The cervical portal

As Naomi Wolf writes in Vagina, the vagina and cervix are not merely physical structures, they are gateways to the female brain, to creativity, to identity, to a woman’s sense of herself as alive.

You don’t approach a gateway like that the way you approach a light switch.

You learn its language. You earn its trust. You come slowly.

And when you do…when the nervous system is relaxed, when the body is genuinely aroused, when the cervix has lifted and softened and opened, what becomes available is not just pleasure.

It is a portal.

If this resonated with you, and you are ready to devote to the erotic as a way of life including deepening your own relationship with your cervix, plus receive 1:1 guidance from me inside of a community of women who get it, join my erotic arts school. You gain instant access to my Pussy Symbolism Series which included a full workshop as well as a massage and mapping embodiment ceremony dedicated to the cervix.

Join Now

Also, inside my free workshop Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life I share my 8-step process for women to start living their most erotically embodied, confident, and authentic life beginning today.

Download Now

Love, Delani

I came across a clip recently from the Call Her Daddy podcast.

A well-known female comedian was laughing about how she can’t masturbate without a vibrator, and Alex Cooper’s response was essentially: same, I’ve had to use my fingers from time to time, and I don’t want nor claim that life.

I sighed, not out of judgment but a sense of grief, specifically as a women’s somatic sexuality coach who teaches hands-on touch as a key part of my approach to healing.

This is the number one female podcast in the world, and it is marketed as female empowerment when it simply isn’t. What we are not only normalizing but celebrating even are women who have lost complete access to their ability to create pleasure in their own body, and an audience of hundreds of millions of women being made to believe that “yep, this is it” when it comes to female pleasure when it isn’t even a minuscule of the depth of our potential.

And no, I am not just talking potential for pleasure and orgasm, but potential for self-fulfillment and identity, inner confidence and creativity, and deep reverence for our bodies as women as they are inherently connected.

I want to be clear before we go further, and I’ve talked about this in another article recently as well: I am not anti-vibrator but I am anti-numbness. I think we need to talk about the difference and why it matters more than most of us realize.

There is an epidemic happening quietly inside women’s bodies. A freezing, if you will.

She looks incredible. Aesthetically curated. She has the routine, the workouts, the glowing skin, the contoured face. She performs desire fluently. She knows exactly what sexy looks like from the outside.

But inside? She is numb and disconnected.

And she has normalized this so completely that she doesn’t even know something is missing. Because everyone around her is frozen too.

This didn’t start with us.

Most of us were raised by women who were never taught that their pleasure belonged to them. Our mothers, and their mothers before them, learned early that their bodies existed in service, to husbands, to children, to a patriarchal God, to the gaze of others. Pleasure, if it was discussed at all, was something to give, to perform. Not something to cultivate within. And never something you yourself owned, tended to, or considered your birthright.

That wound passes through the bloodline before we have language for it.

And then culture reinforces it at every turn.

Whether it was religion teaching us that the flesh is inherently sinful, or a society that commodifies female sexuality while shaming female desire, or a wellness industry that treats women’s bodies as assets to be optimized rather than homes to be inhabited, the message underneath all of it has always been the same:

Your pleasure is not the point. Your appearance is.

So we learned to perform instead of feel, to look turned on rather than be turned on, to reach for whatever delivers sensation and relief the fastest whether that’s the vibrator, the wine, the scrolling, because we have forgotten that the slower path is actually the pathway to our soul.

Now consider what else we are reaching for:

A study published in the journal Scientific Reports by Cardiff University followed 24 women who had received Botox treatments. The findings were upsetting but not surprising:

Women who had Botox on their frown lines reported reduced sexual satisfaction, orgasms were harder to experience and less satisfying.

The reason is something called the facial feedback hypothesis. The results suggest that facial expressions do not occur simply to communicate pleasure to a partner, they are an integral part of the feeling of pleasure itself, and important in the process of experiencing orgasm.

In other words: the “O face” is not just a result of arousal. It is part of the experience of arousal. Freeze the face and you may freeze the feeling.

The muscle groups most commonly targeted by cosmetic Botox such the frown lines, the crow’s feet, and the area around the jaw are the same muscle groups activated during sexual excitement and orgasm. Facial expressions during sex serve as both a signal to partners and a self-reinforcing mechanism of pleasure. Their suppression could have a ripple effect on relationship dynamics.

And yes, the same can be true when it comes to the relationship dynamics and connection formed between mother and baby for the same reason.

We are literally injecting ourselves into numbness in the name of beauty then calling it self-care.

This is the world we are currently living in.

Fast content. Fast food. Fast pleasure. Everything engineered to deliver sensation immediately, get a quick release, and move on. Total dopamine demolition if we are being honest.

The algorithm does not reward you for sitting with something slowly. Neither does a culture that measures female value in appearance. Neither does a vibrator that delivers climax in ninety seconds while you stare at the ceiling, somehow still not satiated.

Here’s the thing about actual eroticism:

It’s rarely a dopamine experience. It is an oxytocin experience.

It is slow. It is disciplined. It requires presence. It lives in the body, not the performance of the body. It asks you to feel things you have been running from for years.

It doesn’t always look like pleasure, but it certainly looks like truth and aliveness, and in that way it is medicine.

Oxytocin builds through slow touch, breath, eye contact, genuine connection aka the very things our fast-paced, aesthetics-obsessed world has quietly trained us to skip.

As Audre Lorde wrote, the erotic is a resource within each of us that lies in a deeply female and spiritual plane. Not external, optimized, nor purchased but internal and ours.

The frozen woman isn’t broken. She is a rational response to an irrational culture.

But freezing is not her natural state. And the antidote is not another product, procedure, or short cut for fast gains.

It is the radical and deeply countercultural act of slowing down. Of touching your own body with curiosity. Of deciding that your pleasure is not a luxury but a necessity for your evolution. For you and for everyone you are in relationship with.

The depth of what is available to you in your own body goes so far beyond what you have been shown.

It is time to come home to it.

If this landed for you, inside my free workshop Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life I share my 8-step process for women to start living their most erotically embodied, confident, and authentic life beginning today.

Download Now

If you are ready to devote to the erotic as a way of life, and receive 1:1 guidance from me inside of a community of women who get it, join my erotic arts school.

I would love to support you!

Join Now

Love, Delani

Okay, I would be lying if I said I fully broke up with cyclical living.

I haven’t.

But I’ve definitely decided to shift my relationship with it and I’ll tell you why:

It started to be another agenda for the constant optimization of women and the female body, so far so that I believe it has actually lost its original purpose which is deeper connection.

It became another to-do list:

• Protein before coffee to not spike your blood sugar

• Matter fact, cut coffee all together! Matcha only!

• No lifting weights on your period

• Veganism is out, carnivore is in and this is the ONLY RIGHT WAY

• Working on your business during luteal? That’s so not feminine of you.

• Discipline is the devil and also so not feminine either.

• Throw away all polyester now

• 15 supplements per day

• Don’t work out too hard, high intensity isn’t for woman

And hear me out: There are many things I do for the health of my cycle.

For example, I prefer not to buy polyester. A natural fiber wardrobe was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself in the realm of minimizing, eliminating overwhelm when shopping, and just feeling sexier in general.

I don’t wear synthetic fragrance, especially when it comes to anything near my vagina.

And I avoid plenty of the harsh chemicals found in most modern day skin care and makeup.

But I’ve also certainly learned to find a balance.

Because…

At one point I found myself avoiding doing hard shit in general because maybe it would like…make me not feminine enough?

I found myself avoiding the gym at certain parts of my cycle when I actually had the energy to go.

I found myself creating my work schedule for my business and being sad because what I realized it would take for me to scale my business to where I wanted would mean…

Oh no, I need to work hard and put a lot of hours in!

And maybe that would…take me out of my feminine and stress me out and affect my cycle?!

WHAT THE FUCK.

This was the point where I was like…yeah, this isn’t right. What’s stressing me out and ACTUALLY taking me out of my body is all of these rules and dogmas I’ve started to follow, mostly based on what’s gone viral on cycle media for the last several years.

I connected to the rebellious nature I’ve had inside of me since childhood and realized:

I’d rather wake up, drink my coffee naked in the sun, get fucked by my man, and afterwards feel my own blood, my own sweat, my own discharges between my fingers and remember that the deepest wisdom I can access is inside of me. Always.

Building and growing my business, Submission to Source, has been my biggest dream for years.

But there have been so many cases where I’ve let myself hold back from going full-in because I quite literally allowed myself to believe that working hard as fuck at creating and expanding my offering to the world wasn’t in alignment with my female body.

And I’m so done with that now. I quite literally wake up everyday wanting to work, wanting to build, wanting to create, grow, and serve.

And I’m not going to stop.

I’ve also done yoga for half of my life. I’m 30 now, I started when I was 15. I owe so much to it, and it’s truly a foundation for me.

But I avoided doing more high intensity work outs for years.

I avoided discipline for years.

Which is so funny because when I finally decided to shift out of that and start strength training, practicing CrossFit, and learning pole dance 8 months ago so much changed for me.

The high intensity was what I needed.

The strength was what I was missing.

The discipline, the difficulty, and the organic growth and unfurling overtime of pole has quite literally been the biggest symbolism for what I needed to keep going in my business.

So like absolutely everything else that seems to lose its nuance in the world of social media, nuance is actually so essential here.

Look, for the woman who is high achieving, hyper vigilant, people pleasing, and numb in the realm of her own desire softening is going to be everything to her.

For the woman whose home is filled with synthetic fragrance, face filled with chemical-ridden makeup, body filled with birth control that totally eliminates her cycle and who is struggling with her health simutaneously, educating herself on cyclical knowledge is going to be fucking powerful.

And for the woman who has only ever known hard work to the point of exhaustion as the one way to create wealth, who has only ever known HIIT workouts and never taken a class on connecting to her breath, sensual feminine rituals are going to be a potent medicine.

It just simply depends, but what sucks is another fad of constant optimization toward women and the female body to the point that…

We actually disconnect from our own innate wisdom.

We actually suppress our power and capacity to do hard shit and create the life of our dreams.

We actually silence our own innate erotic nature that lives in our ability to just be with ourself, our own body, and connect to our own desire.

I am a somatic sex and relationship coach and female embodiment guide. I teach cyclical living inside of my Integrative Female Embodiment Method because it truly is important in a world that so often leaves women entirely in the dark about the sacredness of our cyclical nature.

But like anything else in the realm of female embodiment and eroticism, we need less dogma and more guiding women to actually…

Inhabiting the fuck out of their own unique bodies, pussies, needs, and desires.

Period.

If you’re interested in a non-dogmatic approach to female embodiment and eroticism, I teach that inside of my free webinar INITIATE. Download it now and access my 8-step process to start living your most erotically embodied life beginning today:

Access Now

If you’re interested in being fully supported on your journey of female embodiment and eroticism, including truly balanced cyclical living, join The Serpent School of Female Erotic Arts and Embodiment and gain instant access to my Integrative Female Embodiment Method plus live weekly classes with me:

Join Now

Somewhere along the way the wellness and sexuality space decided that a $120 rose quartz yoni wand was the ultimate answer to female pleasure.

And look, I have absolutely nothing against crystal wands. I have a couple myself, I am in full-support of women utilizing them, and I would even consider selling them myself in the future. They can be beautiful, ceremonial, and meaningful tools. But I want to say something that often gets lost in the hype:

Your fingers can’t be beat.

And for most women, especially women who are disconnected from their bodies, carrying shame or trauma, living in a nervous system that hasn’t felt safe in years, and are craving erotic connection, I promise you your fingers are where you need to start.

Not a wand. Not a vibrator. Your own hands. Your own touch. Yourself.

Here’s what I know as a somatic sexuality coach from working with women’s bodies: the most common missing ingredient in female pleasure isn’t technique, it isn’t the right toy, and it definitely isn’t a more spiritually aligned crystal.

It’s the basic, radical, almost embarrassingly simple act of touching yourself with presence and intention.

The brain and pelvis are one interconnected entity.

Neuroscientists who studied the female pelvic nervous system (which by the way, is totally unique to each individual woman) have described the brain-vagina connection as essentially a single system, meaning your pelvis and your brain are not separate entities communicating from a distance. They are in constant conversation. What you feel in your body registers in your brain. What your brain experiences shapes what your body can receive.

Naomi Wolf, author of “Vagina” spent several years studying this herself and wrote:

"To understand the vagina properly is to realize that it is not only coextensive with the female brain, but is also, essentially, part of the female soul."

When a woman is disconnected, living in her head, running on stress hormones, never pausing long enough to actually inhabit herself…let’s just say that conversation becomes muffled. The neural pathways that carry pleasure, aliveness, and erotic sensation get dimmer (but they NEVER disappear).

Self touch is how you turn those lights back on.

We often forget our bodies don’t speak English (or Spanish, French, etc.), they speak a SOMATIC language: one of touch, of spaciousness, of movement, of pleasure, of feeling.

It’s also important to understand I am not just referencing masturbation here or even pleasure in general but simple, open, curious self-touch.

Oxytocin, women’s primary female nervous system regulator, is released through touch.

Orgasms trigger a huge release of oxytocin, but even without orgasm, oxytocin levels rise simply through physical contact of the clitoris, vagina, cervix and breasts.

Something insanely powerful that many may already know: Water’s molecular shape changes through intention placed upon it. Did you know the tissues of our vulva are the most water-dense within the body? So how deeply do you think the simple act of touch and loving intention can affect them (and the brain and nervous system that they are intrinsically connected to)? Pretty fucking deeply.

Touch is medicine, and your own touch is medicine you can give yourself every single day.

Now about vibrators.

I’m not anti-vibrator, but I am also not pro-vibrators-are-the-symbol-of-female-liberation either which at some point became a thing in magazines of the early 2000’s (and even before that).

Which look, I totally understand. If a woman, for example, who has been raised fundamentally Catholic and told from the time she was a little girl who could form conscious thought and memory that her body is sinful and sex is dirty chooses to purchase a vibrator and reclaim her relationship with pleasure and sexuality I am going to celebrate that so hard.

Or if you have never experienced a clitoral orgasm in general, this is a great starting point for the love of Goddess!!!

But then at some point the sacred sexuality space online started to grow in the last 5-10 years and we started to see a different narrative: Vibrators numb you and clitoral orgasms make you lose energy (hence the then uprise of the crystal dildo).

This conversation needs to be way more nuanced, in my opinion. So let me start by explaining what I do believe to be relevant:

A vibrator, especially an extremely powerful one (like the Hitachi) used habitually, can certainly become fast food pleasure. Quick, efficient, gets the job done, generally requires very little of you emotionally or sensorially. It can actually bypass the slower, deeper pathways of erotic sensation that your fingers, when present, feeling, and exploring, have access to.

For a woman who is already disconnected, a vibrator can sometimes make that worse, meaning it becomes another tool that gets you to the destination without the journey. And the journey is often the whole point (especially in the realm of genuine erotic embodiment).

Your fingers require you to be present. They move at the speed of feeling. They can’t be outsourced.

It’s about creating a balanced relationship with these tools, both crystal wands and vibrators, but BOTH of these truly cannot replace the power of your own fingers, hands, and touch.

This is why I emphasize self touch so heavily in my work, not as a moral stance or to shame anyone’s toy collection, but because for the woman who has never really explored herself, who doesn’t know her own body, who has been performing pleasure for so long she doesn’t know what she actually feels: starting with your hands is how you come home.

The crystal wand can come later. The vibrator can be a fun vacation. Start with yourself first (and maybe a sultry herb-infused warming intimacy oil).

Women who touch themselves more frequently become more able to associate pleasure with their bodily responses, developing greater satisfaction with their body and an improved sense of self as a result.

Read that again.

Not just more pleasure. More satisfaction with your body and a stronger sense of self.

This is what I mean when I say self touch is not just for pleasure. It is for identity. For nervous system health. For the slow, patient, tender process of learning that your body is yours, and that it is safe to be in it and inhabit your sensuality and eroticism.

That is the work. And it starts with your hands.

If you want to go deeper, I created a free workshop called Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life. Inside, I walk you through 8 steps to begin living your most erotically embodied life starting today, including a pleasure mapping practice to begin deepening this relationship right now.

Download Now

If you want my personal guidance and to be inside of a community of women choosing to deepen their own relationship to their female bodies and eroticism you can join The Serpent School for Female Erotic Arts and Embodiment. Inside, you gain instant access to all of my guided self-touch practices plus live pleasure mapping and massage classes with me monthly.

I would love to support you!

Join Now

Love, Delani

Bodies everywhere yet desire nowhere.

There’s an essay that circulated online a few years ago called “Everyone Is Beautiful and No One Is Horny.” The premise was simple yet depressing: we live in a culture obsessed with the aesthetics of sexuality while being completely allergic to the actual experience of it. Bodies everywhere yet desire nowhere.

Essentially woman have been conditioned to be great at the performance of hotness yet disconnected from their authentic erotic essence, and that got me thinking: Most people don’t understand what eroticism actually is.

They don’t understand what it is nor do they understand that the uninhabited nature of it moving through them is both their life force energy and the medicine they are meant to bring to the world, just not in the way they’ve been taught.

Since that original article, plenty of response articles and videos have been made, one of them being: Everyone is sexy and no one is erotic which has particularly stuck with me and my work as a women’s somatic intimacy coach.

In 1990, more than half of adults were having sex every week. By 2024 that dropped to just over one third. Gen Z in particular is having sex less than any generation before them except for the baby boomers.

We have more access to sexual imagery than any humans in history yet we are having less actual sex than ever. We are surrounded by the performance of aesthetic hotness yet starving for something deeper.

We crave deep intimacy and connection yet lack it with ourselves.

I asked my own community recently what they were craving most in 2026. The two answers that came back overwhelmingly were: deeper intimacy and connection and nervous system healing. Not more sex tips or techniques but feeling more deeply connected to themselves and their partners and having a genuine felt sense of safety in their own bodies.

Women know something is missing. They just don’t have language for it yet. The language is eroticism.

Esther Perel has said:

“You can have sex everyday and feel nothing. Eroticism is the poetry that accompanies it. It’s the meaning we give to it. Eroticism in a relationship is a quality of imagination, curiosity, playfulness, mystery, risk-taking, novelty that people bring to it.”

This could not be more true, and it does not solely refer to romantic relationship but to our relationship with life at its core: To our female bodies, to our work and service to the world, to motherhood, to art and movement, and so on.

We crave deep intimacy and connection yet lack it with ourselves. We have grown up in a world that cares more about the value of our assets when referring to our bodies than the expression of who we are internally, and to keep up with and raise said value we often do it at the expense of our health and liveliness.

Botox, filler, and implants that stagnates lymph.
Estrogen disrupting makeup, skincare, and clothes.
Tampons filled with chemical-ridden fragrance.
Birth control aka class A carcinogen candy.
Heels that create pelvic misalignment.
Gym routines built for aesthetics over vitality and longevity.
Anti-aging products for teenage girls.

And at the end of it all: We are still unsatisfied romantically and sexually.

Eroticism is the full catastrophe of being alive, channeled into the body.

Sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin spent nearly two decades studying the psychology of desire and what he called peak erotic experiences. His central finding was this: eroticism is not solely about attraction but about attraction in dynamic interplay with the full complexity of being human, i.e. our longing, our fears, our wounds, and our aliveness. He identified four cornerstones of eroticism: longing and anticipation, the thrill of crossing boundaries, the dance of power, and the transformation of ambivalence into desire. In other words: eroticism is not simple, clean, nor optimized. It is the full catastrophe of being alive, channeled into the body.

The great Anaïs Nin knew this long before the researchers caught up as well. She wrote that the source of sexual power is curiosity and passion and that “you are watching its little flame die of asphyxiation”. She understood that sex loses all its power and magic when it becomes mechanical, overdone, stripped of emotion, hunger, and whims. That without feeling woven into it, the whole thing collapses into performance.

We have built an entire culture of performance, and now women are disconnected from their innate erotic essence and starving for uninhabited, feral, sensual living whether they know it consciously or not. What’s the fucking point of a perfectly curated morning routine, aesthetic Pilates outfits and expensive matcha if you go to bed at night numb?

The erotic, which I understand as the creative life force that moves through everything, gets clogged.

Clarissa Pinkola Estés wrote in Women Who Run With the Wolves that within every woman there lives a wild and natural creature…a powerful force filled with good instincts, passionate creativity, and ageless knowing. She called her the Wild Woman, and let me tell you: The wild woman is exceptionally erotic.

From the time we are girls we receive a relentless stream of messages about what our bodies should look like, what our desires should be, how much space we are allowed to take up, and what parts of ourselves are acceptable to the world around us. The erotic, which I understand as the creative life force that moves through everything, gets clogged. It gets stagnated, conditioned, managed, and suffocated.

But for the love of Goddess it does not get destroyed. It cannot be destroyed. It lives inside of you at all times, be it buried or not. The question is not whether your eroticism exists. It is at what point were you convinced that it doesn’t belong to you.

Disembodied sexiness and authentic erotic aliveness are two different things.

One looks appealing to the eye, the other feels differently internally for the woman and thus for those she is in relationship with.

An erotically alive woman is not necessarily the most conventionally attractive woman in the room yet she is the one who is most fully herself in it. The one whose aliveness is palpable. Who makes you feel more alive just by being near her. Who is not performing anything but simply present in her own body in a way that is so rare it reads as magnetic.

Eroticism is your birthright.

The tragedy is that we have confused the performance of sex and sexiness with the poetry of eroticism for so long that most women don’t even know it. They think if they could just be more attractive, more confident, more sexually adventurous and willing, that would be the thing. So they optimize, perform and go through the motions that look right from the outside and feels hollow from the inside.

And underneath it all runs this quiet, persistent ache of wanting more from intimacy and not knowing why it keeps eluding you.

Allow that ache to not be a flaw you judge but information you receive openly and curiously.

The work of reclaiming your eroticism is not about being sexier. It’s not about performing more or optimizing your assets.

It’s about coming home.

Coming home to your body. To your wildness. To the creative life force that has been inside you since the beginning and has been waiting for you to return and remember.

That is what I teach.

If you’re ready, and I assume that you are if you’ve made it here, I created a free workshop exactly for this moment.

It’s called Initiate Into Your Most Erotically Embodied Life, and inside I share my 8 steps to begin living your most erotically embodied life starting today.

Click the button below and it’s yours now:

Access Initiate Now

With Love,
Delani

Subscribe

If I had it my way, no woman would put silicone in her body.

No woman would fill her face with toxins and chemicals.

No woman would shove fragrance up her vagina and rub it all over her skin.

No woman would stick a device up her cervix and leave it there.

No woman would stop her ovulation and menstruation on purpose. Ever.

If I had it my way, every single woman who doesn’t feel comfortable in her womanly body would spend every day on her knees until her heart cracks open.

Bowing to her body.

Her pussy.

Her breasts.

To the breasts and the pussy and the body of not only her but of every woman.

She would open her legs to a mirror and scream until she let out all of the anger and grief from a world who ever made her believe it wasn’t an absolute blessing to be born into her body.

If I had it my way, every woman would remember that when she doesn’t like something about her body, her vulva, her blood, her breasts…

it’s not her story she’s carrying, and it doesn’t mean she is the one who is supposed to change, to resist her processes, to contort, to hold, to tighten.

If I had it my way, the pain that every woman feels would be taken as a message of the body, crying out in her own language…

Rather than a curse…

Rather than a disorder or disease meant to be silenced forever.

If I had it my way, every woman would remove the underwire bras.

The synthetic polyester panties.

The fragrance-filled Tampax and the Summer’s Eve.

She would touch her body with delight.

Her vulva with reverence.

Her breasts with joy.

Her vagina with bliss.

Her cervix with honor.

Her womb with care.

She would smile as her blood ran down her leg.

Moan in anger.

In joy.

In bliss.

In curiosity.

She would commit more to her inner beauty than doing everything she can to change what’s on the outside with some illusion of perfection…

She would remember her unique perfection.

And she would remember that it is her body that connects her with the pain and the joy of every other woman walking this Earth.

And what a blessing that is.

If I had it my way 🙏🏼

Share