I forgot I asked for all of this.

I forgot I asked for so much, so many seemingly incongruous things to receive all at once. But here I am, witnessing the universe’s absolute best to deliver things for which I begged—sobbing and curled into a ball on my floor—myself, god, a candle, an eyelash on my cheek, whoever was listening.

I forgot how easy it was to wish and step forward, right off the cliff onto the fools journey of receiving exactly what I asked for. How immediate or divinely. How easy it was to not recognize the gifts, the options, opportunities.

I forgot how infinite this all is. How possible, unimaginably possible it all is.

I forgot how imperfect however possible it all really is.

I forgot my power.

I forgot who I am.

I forgot what I am.

Judgement XX

To remember is a rush of gratitude.

Remember who the fuck you are.

Remember what the fuck you are.

Remember what you wished for.

Remember the growing ache for the future of the world you asked for.

Remember how to tend to the land, to your body, to your communities, to the world.

Remember how to garden, how to grow, how to harvest, how to cook, how to taste how to nurture, grow, age, learn, love, give, care, take.

Remember how to trust that the land will take your body as food and make something beautiful of your death. Remember death is beautiful. Remember you don’t need to waste this one precious life pretending like you are not something that dies.

Eradicate the white invasive species of man who needs you to forget and take for granted and maintain insidious entropy.

Remember who the fuck you are.

Aquarius Full Moon

Pluto in Aquarius 4°

Uranus in Gemini 4°

Neptune in Aries 4°

Jupiter Cazimi in Leo 6°

North and South Nodes in Leo and Aquarius 29°

Chiron in Taurus 29°

Strength VIII

I implore you to head the advice of the Strength and the Judgement cards.

Divest even conversationally, all your energy and attention from the anti-rhetoric, from debating, from what you know is broken and unjust. Give all of your attention and efforts and financial energy to the new world, to your wish. To be in harmony with the astrology of now is to do the biddings of Pluto in Aquarius.

Every Aquarius I’ve ever known would never stay to try and fix things, they defiantly and stubbornly refocus on the wish they made on a shooting star. They water what will grow, what is growing, and they do not stop even if they are drowning everything around it. Live your wish with an abundance of profound devotion, so much so that it inspires others to wish with you, so the arguments about what we should do, whats right, who is at fault, everything else is put to rest.

Rest.

Rest.

Rest.

Rest.

Rest.

🖤

I’ve updated the name of my publication to adapt to my business model and begin integrating more of my practice as a movement teacher with my writings.

Attunewiththemoon on Instagram

I’ll be writing on programming a movement practice inspired by many modalities and by astrology to attune the human body to the planetary bodies in harmony. I’m very excited to share my creative process with movement and what I continue learning about both bodies. Please share my publication with those who might benefit from this practice.

If you’re interested in working one on one to build a program based on your own astrology, to have you chart read or to have a consultation for either browse my services here

Read more

A lot of people interested in my publication and maybe those who will stumble upon it, probably love or at most use divination through tarot, astrology, and other means.

Obviously, me …

Read more

Hurt?

Mid sex?

Is disappointment a drug?

Is feeling insignificant worth its weight in tissues?

What am I devoted to?

A potential, a false promise, a mistake that rings in my ears like an alarm to wake up, too many alarms sounding to complete the original thought. I don’t remember my dream.

Am I tearing the truth out of their eyes or am I drowni…

Read more

THE SHAPE OF YOU

Read more

Aries

Fight God. Fight God. Fight God.

The urge to bark like a dog

Cute aggression but like progressing in violence

Driving/walking/biking into traffic, not for self-destructive purposes, just destructive purposes

Taurus

I want to taste their blood

Purring like a cat

The urge to eat inedible things that have nice textures or colors…like blood

Choking themselves because they felt they overshared

Gemini

The urge to cut their own hair

Improv comedy bits at work

Biting people they like

*in a crowded space* What would happen if I screamed right now?

Cancer

Imagining taking a man’s life with kitchen tools

Touching things, the urge to feel something, tactile information

Does my mom regret me?

Leaving the house and making plans to

Leo

What they look like right now, but it’s bad

Abruptly yelling a monologue on the sidewalk because bystanders

Saying the meanest thing they can think of while another person is being vulnerable

That baby is so cute, I hate it

Virgo

Throwing/dropping things they’re holding

NO!

Doing a step of the current systematic task out of order.

The urge to walk away mid (boring) conversation

Libra

The urge to crush the delicate thing in their hand, beautifully

*singing inharmoniously* that’s kind of nice

Projecting other people’s thoughts about being upset with them

Masturbating in public

Scorpio

I want to taste my own blood

*Uncomfortable Silence*

the urge to hurt the ones they love most in the worst way

Imagining what other people look like masturbating while in public

Sagittarius

This is a debate. Interrupt them and be louder.

Also eating things that are inedible, but to see if they could

Jumping really high, but with a half-hearted belief they could fly

The urge to literally run away when they are enjoying a crush’s company

Capricorn

I can’t relate to anyone… I should try another country.

The urge to make hiccups or mistakes in otherwise seamless movements within precise tasks

Family Annihilating; or the friend/coworker equivalent

Falling down or the sensation of falling down when they are not

Aquarius

LOUD Jazz music in colors

Imagining their own death in possible mundane accidents

Suicidal things but they’re quirky and funny aside from the dying part.

The urge to induce paranoia

Pisces

*discordant song plays in the distance while intangible and trailing thoughts and also sexual? moaning? collage in varying rooms of their mind*

Getting off at the wrong turn/stop/exit

Grabbing/using things that are not theirs

Most if not all of their thoughts, tbh

Fall Equinox and Libra Season are the tilting of the scales for time, the seasons, and our capacity. By rules of traditional essential dignity, when a planet is in its Fall, it moves slower, it cannot put as much as it normally would on its plate. It’s not a bad thing, as the season of fall is not a bad time. It’s a time for rest, and an area in the cha…

Read more

I was having a conversation with my mother that should’ve been different in many ways. I should’ve felt every alarm in my nervous system go off. I should’ve felt hot to the touch, because it set me on fire. I should’ve felt it was earth-shattering in a way that I either needed to lie down on the solid ground or run for safety.

Really, actually the conve…

Read more

I never wrote it down.

It sat in my heart. It sat trapped by my brave heart, which isn’t sure why I trapped it there, and isn’t sure if it can even hold it much longer.

I couldn’t write it down.

It sat on my mind. It, this heavy and cruel, bully of a thought sat on my mind for four dreadful months, and maybe even much longer.

Thinking of a question and asking yourself that question are two different things. Asking a question to another or with someone else is different than sitting with and answering it yourself. Reading a question, thinking about it, writing it down, and coming to it later to see if you still feel that way…these are all very different things, with which a lot of people have the lost the concept. In the same way that wanting to rearrange a room and actually doing it are two very different things.

There has always been a strong sense of morality shaped around information and what information is true or untrue, and with that comes a boundary around learning, around choice. Right now that sense is heightened possibly more than it ever has in history. For instance, if anyone is taking in information and weighing what is true and what to do, they are engaging with some intense areas of our brain asking a lot of our bodies. There is a strong sense of morality in information because it necessary for survival and that’s our greatest collective goal, is it not?

Panic and Urgency are things we’re collectively aware we could be feeling, but not everyone is comfortable naming and actually sitting with these things. Not everyone has a choice in wether they get to feel them or not. I don’t recommend avoiding them. They are feelings that do much worse unsupervised. It can suffocate a heart if let into the body, like a long term dose of poison. Although, Inducing them as a full body immersive experience is an active part of my daily things-to-avoid list. There are questions I think of and I don’t answer, as well as questions I try hard not to think of. Sometimes I have the courage to ask myself a question, and sometimes I let it sit for a time.

If you don’t have the space, the time, the courage right now, close this. I won’t be the wiser. You might also just read it as a poem and let it go. It doesn’t have to sit on your mind, but I have a strong feeling I’m not alone in hours of terror living in the poem of…

What If?

What if it is the end tomorrow?

How much time do we have?

What if I die? What if he dies? What if she dies? What if they die? What if we all die? How?

How? How does it feel? How do I go? How do I let go?

With and without who? Without saying what? Without saying that I’m sorry… for what? For what did I do? For who was I to you? For what did I make with you? For what did I make you into?

What if I die? What if it hurts? Who will it hurt? Will it hurt more than this? Will they even care? Did they care when I was alive? Did I?

Am I alive?

…and what is it like?

How much time do we have?

With and without who? Without saying what? Without getting to say I’m sorry… for what? For what do I do? For who am I to you? For what will I make with you? For what will I make you into?

What if I never know “How much time do we have”?

‘What if’ I… ?

Thanks for reading. Lately I’ve enjoyed a few shows that deal with grief and loss.

Move To Heaven

May I Help You

Death Parade

Mushi-shi

What if we rest in peace 🖤

a poet, not a soldier

For cohesion, allow me to start where I ended in my last letter. To blur the boundary, which we discussed last season in Aquarius movements. Skin is permeable and doesn’t just create a boundary which separates us from the world around us, but allows us to experience it more vibrantly. It allows us to differentiate our experience. It literally facilitates the bulk of our experience through sensory receptors, hair, sweat glands, and privilege.

Pisces in the body:

The imagination leads us.

If you take nothing away, take this: pisces is the liminal space between all signs, and it is what holds us together, through belief and imagination. So what you believe will work for you, has a much higher chance of doing so.

Mercury, Mars, or Moon in Pisces can indicate someone with superior impact from their belief systems. These can also indicate a clumsy or soft footed individual. Someone whose body is very sensitive to their surroundings, with sensitive skin and maybe their mind as well. A writer, a choreographer, a thief, an escape artist, a napper, a deep feeling, but not a ballerina, not a tap dancer, not a boxer, and not a soccer player. Am I saying folks with those placements shouldn’t try those things? Heck no, they absolutely should strive to be all of those things, because it will make them stronger and healthier. (Maybe be a soldier in another country tho, don’t serve this raggedy ass nation)

However with one or more of these placements you may be prone to injuries in the ankles, the feet, or that show symptoms there. Especially if you also have aspects with Saturn or Uranus, and/or are in poorly placed houses.

Guess which ones are in my chart!!!

SATURN, MERCURY, MARS, in that order all within 2° in a cadent house, so I am an expert on ankle / foot injuries and sensitive af skin.

Feet don’t get enough good publicity.

Take more time to stretch and strengthen your feet, your toes, and your ankles. I’ve demonstrated a series of movements in my videos, but there are so much more. Let me just emphasize this one:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INVERT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It can improve comfort in every single joint above the feet, which are all relying on the feet to carry them. Walk often, try not to sit or lie down more than you move on your feet. For reasons you know. You already know. Now set timers on your phone and go do it.

There are vast and varying ways your feet can cause structural issues throughout your entire body which result in chronic or recurring issues that can be painful or impact your daily routines negatively.

But a life hack we can unlock through our feet is lymphatic draining and fascial massage. These practices are not nearly as affective when the feet are neglected, and they have a tremendous amount to do with pain, energy, growth, stress, and longevity. I would say about 30% of overall body health could be positively impacted by taking better care of our feet.

JUST REST THOSE LITTLE PUPPIES IN PEACE 🖤

Time in Transit

3.15

Venus Retrograde in Aries

3.19

Sun conjunct Neptune in Pisces

3.20

Aries Season Bich

Venus strolls back into Pisces crossing Neptune

3.30

Neptune shifts the paradigm into Aries

Neptune’s transit into Aries

…at the end of the month is really what I want to talk about. There is a sense of calm before the storm, or ease with whatever may come that has grounded me in a very tumultuous and unfettered few months. I’ve had honest conversations with people in all places. We are all unable to shrug and brush the realization under the rug, but no one seems without the means to handle whatever happens next. No one seems afraid or alone. As I’m typing this a woman from a Teams Meeting says loudly behind me, “We’re in this suffering together!” When and how will we all suddenly react?

Historically, as Chris Brennan and Nick Dagan Best shared on the Astrology podcast, Venus in Aries reflects contrarian views being popularized and at the height of something like a fascist regime that looks like communion or care during something unfortunate or at a time of crisis. Neptune and Venus are dancing in Aries and Pisces for the birth of the new world.

…which brings me to...

Where do we go when we die?…

I’ve asked people this question for years, kids, teenagers, seniors, peers, my parents, church pastors, and books.

I won’t be so brazen to say I know.

But I do have this strong idea enough to call it a wavering belief.

I’ve been practicing various forms of kinesiology and movement for a long time, and I’ve noticed this unquestionable parallel to the physical body and the spiritual and the emotional body. They mirror each other. Through movement alone, you can transform your emotional body and your connection to others (spirit).

When we die, our bodies decompose back into the land, and we feed the soil, the bugs, the microorganisms, and whatever is to grow from that place.

I believe that when we die, whatever connections we made, whatever beliefs we held, whatever impact we wanted to make has the opportunity to be planted like a seed. Our body is that seed. It goes into the ground, and it grows. It goes to the Underworld, that enigmas place of interconnectedness that we only use imagery and metaphor to describe, as it is indescribable. There our lives are sorted, not organized, not filed away, not accounted for, but assimilated or digested, just like nutrients in the body. The living take what nourishes them from our life. So what if we don’t go anywhere?

While we were alive, we were dying. While we were alive, we were sharing, going to other places, experiencing new feelings, beliefs, and connections. While we were alive, we were chipping off bits and pieces of us to give out, to trade, to burry, to leave behind. While we were alive, we were dying.

Souls?

Do they remain whole in that process? Do they split and fray and scatter from place to place? What if there isn’t a science to it? What if it isn’t the same for everyone every time? I would dare to argue some of us don’t have and have never had a soul. What if a soul is like a fruit, and it gets ripped open, broken into pieces, shared by lovers, and then digested and decomposed into the ground. What if a soul is like Vitamin A, C, & D with seeds and skin. What if we don’t come back, but instead something grows from us? What if there is no hard stop and go, no chapters no separation?

What I’m trying to say is…

What if we only think we’re dying for the first time?

Let me share some wisdom with you about working with children, the elderly and people in general doing activities they are most likely trying for the first time:

Teach the ones who are there to learn*****

This took me so long to learn across the broad spectrum of relationships I have. If they aren’t asking to change, don’t change them. If they don’t want to try, believe them. If they aren’t interested, they aren’t going to listen. If you have the capacity to reach out, call in or try to persuade their interests, that’s fine, but skeptics are good to consider and solidify our stance too, so appreciate them for what they are.

Encourage what they do skilled or not, as long as they’re trying.

Now you have the ‘who to focus on’ down, be intentional about the ‘how’. Trying something new is exciting, but a lot of people’s nervous systems are not equipped for excitement, so they might understand a heightened level of activity in their brain and body to be alarming and dangerous. They might be afraid of something as basic as trusting someone with their innocence.

That doesn’t sound outlandish when you put it that way does it? If it is their first time, they are innocent to it, and if you are guiding or facilitating this new adventure, you are handling their innocence to it. Carry each and every step with grace and pride in the work you’re both doing. It doesn’t need to be patronizing or overly sensitive.

Criticism is easier to digest with respect

Some people just need to take their time, need their own space to figure things out, and it is not your right to interject in their path. Some people are there asking for help, asking for guidance and criticism, and if they want it from you, that is a great big fucking compliment, an incredible trust and bond that should be held in esteem with kindness and an understanding that it doesn’t make you bigger or better than them. This is simply the responsibility of sharing a world together.

Why is there no art? Why is this letter short?

Pisces is often considered the ‘womb space’ or the great ‘void’. Virgo is the ‘maiden’, the ‘innocent one’.

It’s fitting for women’s month, right? There isn’t a single day or a month that could ever do what women do for the world justice. Look at the women in your life. Look at the mothers, yours, others, metaphorical mothers, trees, oceans, yourself. There it is. That’s the art. Now go give all that you have and chip away your life for us and what we all create. Go sit in awe of the glory that is a woman’s tenacity to create beauty, to create life, to create death.

Go outside.

Go find out where we go when we die.

Rest In Peace 🖤

ANNOUNCEMENTS

I teach weekly movement classes and facilitate astrology and tarot readings all over Chicago, IL. For the spring time, I am doing SPRING CLEANING specific tarot and chart readings. My offerings are also available one on one online if you’re not in the city and still want to connect. If you’re interested to learn more, reach out by sending me a message. It goes straight to me, so don’t worry about others reading anything personal you share.

Below is my schedule and promotional material for upcoming events!

Tomorrow! 3/15

I’ll be reading Tarot at GoldenTeardrops under Lonesome Rose from 7-11p, come hang out with Nick and I. If you’re interested in having me read tarot at your favorite bar, lets hook it up!

Catch me at Pilot Project Brewing on 3/30 with Gateway Markets.

Here’s what I’m offering!

MOVEMENTS IN MARCH!

THIS ONE IS FREE VVV

& IN APRIL (you’ll see these again lol)

THANKS FOR STICKIN AROUND 🖤

I’m a boomer sometimes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you have Saturn or Uranus or Aquarius aspecting your moon, mars, Venus or first house. This episode is pointed at you.

If your Moon, Mars, or First House is in Aquarius or is conjunct, trine, or sextile to Saturn or Uranus, these may be things that you intuitively already take care of for yourself, that you have a strength about you. You may be blessed with great skin, even muscle tone, or a comfortable relationship to movement that challenges your stamina, circulation, etc.

If your Moon, Mars or First house is negatively aspected to Saturn or Uranus, or you have Saturn and Uranus in Sagittarius, Pisces, or Aries, or other not strong places, you may struggle with the concept of failure, with some skin issues, with exercise formats that irritate your fascia, or that challenge your stamina. (You could have learned this early on and are already ahead of it! Idk!)

Let’s get into it.

FAILURE

If you are training with weights or with endurance, then you are aware of the term “to failure”. What does that mean? Until you piss all over the floor? Until you pop a blood vessel? Until you collapse? No, please stop your work out well before any of that for the love of Luigi.

Knowing your limits is a major benefit and the obvious goal in any exercise format, and not every day should be finding, testing, or pushing that boundary. Some days are just maintain, play, relax, enjoy movement for the sake of, cause that’s the real goal right? Failure is a physical or mental limit to achieve an action confidently, where there is no longer ease. So sure, if you can confidently piss yourself to achieve the action, great. But should you? Hm? Me thinks not. So maybe give yourself two days of the week spread out where you are going to failure, unless you’re training for something insane. Two days is more than enough, one is sufficient.

When ‘working to failure’ within your practice, it is imperative if not more important to do repair work before and after the failing actions. Warming up and Cooling Down. Because the entire point of going ‘to failure’ is introducing your nervous system to that boundary and then letting it know, it can totally survive that. Once our nervous system is comfortable with our perceived “FAILURE BOUNDARY” we can decide if that is a totally metal and respectable boundary or if we can go beyond what we thought we were capable of. The Nervous system and our perception of failure are like a plant and the proper conditions for that plant to grow. More on that in a moment.

Fascia

Fascia is the flowing network of electrical nerves, veins, and currents throughout the skin and musculoskeletal membranes that animates our body. It is within the outer layer of our body so it is quite literally the boundary of our nervous system. When we better understand how this system works, we better understand how to navigate our body with more care and efficiency. Some things that stimulate our Fascia are

• temperature (inside the body and outside the body, *lower inner body temp makes weaker or more tired fascia)

• breathing (how we breathe affects fascia big time!)

• friction (clothing, touch, massage, foam rolling, contact with the floor, etc.)

• motion (the speed at which you’re moving, running, jumping, tai chi)

• emotional input (how we feel about the movement/confidence)

Maps of Motor and Sensory Roads Overlapped

Think of your daily routine and consider all the things you do that is exercise but ‘isn’t exercise’. Like, let’s say you clean your floors once a week, that effort sometimes exerts a sweat or makes you feel your arms or back a little more right? Or you work at a job that has you standing and pacing a short distance back and forth over and over again, or repeating the same small motor-movements with your hands.

If this is the case, and I know it is for so many of us, consider finding authentic movement patterns that extend from those smaller motor-movements, that continue that pattern or allow it to expand and balance out. Maybe construct your exercise routine from that concept.

1. I am constantly typing at my job in a seated position.

2. I will explore more ranges of motion from my wrists to my elbows to my shoulders to my hips that are more expansive as often as I am seated and typing.

3. I will develop an exercise management routine that supports my wellbeing while functioning with restricted motor skills for work.

The great thing about electrical impulses about Saturn or Uranus and about our bodies is that our perception plays an integral role in how we think, therefore in how move and exist. SO! Our perception of movement or our playfulness with it changes our bodies adaption to the movement.

For instance, let’s say you really need to clean the floors today and not just vacuum or sweep, you need to move things around, and get under and around some furniture, well! That is a great opportunity to shift your environment and play with the layout of a room, OR play with your range of motion to get around the objects you don’t want to move. Make a dance of it, make it weird, rearrange your living room before your roommate comes home.

Our brain works in this way as well, and that is why FAILURE is the key concept. Here is a wonderful recap by my fav. Andy Hubey (I hope one day he finds these litte letters and knows how I love him). There is a longer conversation with another guest on his show that you can look up, I just shared the essentials, which I found very topical for Aquarius movers!

Recommended Practices

Here are some activities that I think are excellent at working with Fascia, with Failure, with a positive mindset about it and for Uranian, or Saturnian movers! I put them in order of most intense to least intense.

1. Martial Arts, Ju Jitsu / Tae Kwondo / Muy Tai

2. Rugby / Football / Futbol Soccer

3. Contact Improv or just Modern Dance or any dance format

4. Rock Climbing / Bouldering

5. Hot Yoga

6. HIIT

7. Swimming

8. Foam Rolling

9. Thai Body Massage

10. Feldenkrais Method

2.24

MARS IS DIRECT! :D

2.25

Mercury begins collection info, a series of conjunctions starting with Saturn

3.1

Venus Retrogrades in Aries

3.2

Sun square Jupiter

Mercury conjunct Uranus

3.3

Mercury in Aries

3.11

Mercury conjunct Venus Rx

3.12

Sun conjunct Saturn

REAL TALK THO:

Eclipses are shifting with the next lunation. Our Virgo Full Moon is an eclipse, and remember that first of these shifts is always the most potent, consider Pisces-Virgo in your chart, in the charts of those important to you. HEY, VIRGO, Don’t over think it. :)

It is too much to think about. A glance through history with these transits reveals circumstances that create strong communities. Meaning difficult times, for women, for beauty, for freedom. Safety is not guaranteed in life, but we are capable of more, I promise you this. Dreams are an achievable reality. March is time to consolidate our list of approachable and attackable problems, goals, consorted efforts. March will be challenging and urgent. March will make traveling weird and traveling alone worse.

March will be evident how difficult the next few years will become if we don’t go so far into community care and anti-consumer activism that we somehow reverse certain irreversible constructs and legislations. Plan for what is important, act on what is important. If you’re traveling, prepare with your own personal Green Book1 . There is a modern Green Book Project2 I assure you, the way out will become clear, but it will not be easy, it will not be immediate, it will take casualties, and it will require us to change forever.

Neptune leaves Pisces for Aries

…later this month 3.30, so I will be sharing a steady stream poems and dreams I’ve received from friends, strangers, readers. Thank you to everyone who contributed.

But first, I offer you these two Tarot Cards to reflect on:

THE WEEL …of FORTUNE?

Choices are abundant and beyond what we could list before they rapidly transform and redirect. Luck is abundant within ability and privilege. Luck is abundant in community, when we ask the right people for help. Those who have more choices or less obstacles, who need to ask for help less, are they more fortunate? Do they have better choices? Fortune is a lot we’re given, the circumstances we cannot change, like our karma, but sometimes those limitations put us on a direct path to our greatness. Sometimes that lot consists of boons and benefits that only we know how to wield.

When we leave it up to the world around us, it feels like spinning a wheel, ‘what are the odds?’, a chaotic ‘up to luck and not up to us’ system that the chance and the skills to use our greatest gifts occurs. But it is a choice, sometimes it’s a series of choices to remove all the obstacles from what we really want to focus on. Unless you get really good at focusing, like darts, or throwing knives, I guess it is like spinning a wheel in that regard, but why leave it all up to fate? Why not sharpen your knives, aim, and strike.

The Hanged Man

Allow me to preface this with communal intentions. We’re all in this together, for better or worse.

It is time to accept that we are all responsible for this. For generations we have bought, innovated, supported, and cultivated the circumstances of where we are, and no singular group of old white men is responsible for the evil we’re enduring now. We all wanted a smart phone. We all wanted cars, roads, next day delivery of our extremely convenient self-masturbatory goods. Not enough of us wanted to understand the creation, the logistics, the violence it takes to have it. Not enough of use wanted to be more involved in community, in our government, in the violence, or courageously supportive of those who did.

We voted with our money, with our delegation of labor to those ‘less human’, with our need for comfort, with our acceptance of those who are not, with our disempowered, disconnected, and delusional privilege that we have no responsibility of being intrinsically and irrevocably connected to it all. As if the Wheel of Fortune is flat and we each get a turn. It’s round. We’re all in it together for better or worse.

Surrender to the FACT that we are not separate. Surrender to the FACT that we are violent. Surrender to the FACT that we are responsible, and we have choices to make still. Surrender to a call to action or just surrender to the circumstances, but we do not get to cry ‘victim’ when we sit on our knees and beg for comfort instead of courage.

Whose Dream Is This?

I’m So Drunk This is Considered Subconscious

I feel drawn to a person I barely know, what’s knew?

I met myself reversed in a storm. It was my undoing. Rebirth? I said I still hesitate for a lack of trust. I envy what is lacking. I am spinning. The room is spinning and it is awful. I’m unraveling and it is beautiful. I’m sorry if you think so, you see, I’m not like you. I am a storm.

I pass as I please. I come just to leave. I know what you don’t.

I know that you don’t feel like letting this go, so I’ll show up.

I’ll show up. I’ll show up. I’ll show up.

I’ll show up, but I’ll just destroy you like my nature demands.

This dream fucked me up for weeks and I still cry when I describe it, it felt so intense and real to me. I never told my friend about it, he’s so cynical. But maybe I will one day.

Our existence here is a form of play in the afterlife

So a few years back I had this dream where a friend of mine showed up looking different from how he does now, but I knew it was him, this happens often. I believe ppl show up looking like they have in past lives, you knew them in many different bodies. This friend was not someone I am particularly close to or attracted to in anyway, when I first met him I didn’t like him at all really. Anyway the dream goes like this.

I am sitting outside of what I am aware of as being the library of knowledge. It is beautiful, there are beautiful clouds, and the buildings are ancient white pillars and the ground is actually water. I’m just sitting there enjoying myself, and this man (my friend) says come here, puts out his hand for me to take, he says I have to show you this. And we walk skip around on the water but like kinda fast (like twilight lol) till he is showing me memories of our past life together. I can’t remember all the details, we are dancing, cooking, normal everyday day shit, but it was beautiful, and we were so very in love, I was crying and extremely emotional over it. Then in the dream I came to the realization that we have all of these separate experiences from past lives that in the afterlife we can look upon anytime we want. It’s never lost.

When we come back to “reality” the “matrix” whatever you like to call it? We come to this world to learn. And that in this reality we try to mimic this feeling by creating movies, and video games. Because we are able to watch our experiences in the after life. And that technology is bringing us closer and closer to knowing the truth of the game we are playing. And that’s why the game has to change. That’s why everything is changing so rapidly. Eventually we go back to sleep and forget after we wake up and know too much.

10:30a 6/17/21

I woke up from the audacity of my subconscious. This dream was so poorly produced. A poorly designed but wonderfully written drama.

I was helping my parents move, but only my mom was pushing the urgency and facilitating the process. My father, chronically discontent with change of kind, was complaining of any excuse he could find to relieve himself of effort. It was in my childhood home, and his heartbreak was on his sleeve, so I could empathize. My mother’s heartbreak shone through in just how urgently this cut needed to be clean. In the process of boxing and unboxing, I was experiencing supernatural abilities like telekinesis… My mother just thought she was getting old, and I was doing drugs, and I couldn’t explain what was going on with this going on, so I needed to get away.

I take myself to my cousin’s, and I tell her about my supernatural suspicions. It was compounding that I’m stranded in my hometown and bursting with extra terrestrial energy. I feel helplessShe thinks I’m insane or ‘trying too hard to be ‘othered’’. But I can feel static building in me like a plastic sweater. I feel like I’m going to explode. I am desperately searching my phone for someone to help me find an isolated place where I can have a seriously weird supernatural episode conducting from my hooch.

This very trashy female driver gives me a ride in her? honky tonk red pick up. She was sketchy af with and with a whole backstory? My dream took a detour into her last few days, which consisted of escaping a strip club owner who abused her and stole her tips, by stealing the whole pool of tips and bar cash than stealing the red —or was it blue? truck and downloading a ride share app to make her way out of the state. She has bleach-fried hair, wearing pink and yellow too tight clothes, and too much eye makeup. She drops me off at the beach, and I tell her to wait. I can’t pay for it, but she doesn’t know that.

I make my way along the beach and run, as lightning rapidly begins to leave my body and create a storm around me. I am sweating, freezing, and electric, but somehow the smell of salt water is the most overstimulating. Just in time I find an alcove, an opening for a long path through a humid cave. The electricity is following me, the humidity and salt is following me, emitting off of me. The muddy walls open to an enormous cavity surrounded by crystal rocks and a clear pool of other-worldly water. I crumble at the edge of the water, and the storm explodes within the cavern. There is lightning of blue, purple, bright white all around, and it is ripping me apart. I give birth to a small T-Rex. I’m laughing. I’m horrified. I hold it close until a crystalized egg encapsulates it. and boom a dragon with little arms is born. I stuff it in a towel she gives me under my jacket, but am obviously a glowing scary otherworldly looking mf.

While I was in the cave, she’s on the phone telling someone she found something big and about to make a killing and that she’ll bring it over asap. She has bad intentions, obviously, but I wasn’t scared cause I literally pissed fireworks and a baby giant lizard, so go ahead bitch, try me. She’s driving us and I’m interfering with the radio with my electric nonsense and she’s asking questions and I tell her if she wants to live longer than right now to do exactly as I say and tell her to drive north out of the state. I zap her phone, she tries to swerve off the highway, but I can steer the truck? I say we aren’t meeting her friend. I could easily just drop her off, or I can be her only friend now, unless she prefers to become barbecue or road kill. I never hear her reply.

I wake up with ‘She Fuckin’ Hates Me by Kid Rock’ oppressively playing in my head, feeling rushed but hysterical with laughter, jovial even.

Last night I dreamt Vince Vaughn cast me as Jeff Daniels’ character in a loose stage adaptation of dumb & dumber that he wrote & was directing, but I had to drop out half way through the rehearsals, because I realized I’d be out of town opening weekend.

A Cat Named Neglect

(TW: gore and uncomfortable images)

My first and last night sleeping in this bed.

I’m dreaming of a dream, I wake up in another bed, another house, another person. They have no face. I feel dismissed by the sluggish partner in this 70’s wood paneled and feather carpeted basement. The flannels are too hot, I’m sweating, they’re sweating. I want to be touched softly, they want me to deal with the screaming problem in the other room. I walk through a hallway sliding my hands along the wooden walls, gripping the carpet under my toes. I’ll get my sensations elsewhere.

There is a kitten crying in the other room. It’s meowing so loudly, desperately. I stand in the middle of the room staring at the box it’s in, and hesitate. I feel horrible guilt for wanting to stay in bed and ignore it, but I can’t stand the smell. The kitten can’t even stand, it’s covered in shit and blood that’s dried and caked. It wasn’t like this before. When? How—how did this happen? I’m crying, yelling for help. It’s so small and helpless. I try to touch it, brush it out with a grooming tool and the clump catches, the fur, no the pelt, the skin peels back too easily. It’s too late. I’m screaming for help. They’re apathetic, frustrated. They don’t matter, nothing else in the room matters. I can’t fix this. Why can’t I help her? Why did that happen? I wake up actually sweating and sobbing. I don’t fall back asleep.

I hope you enjoyed them. If you want to share more of your dreams with me, I would love to share them regularly.

Rest in nebulous and undefinable vibes my loves. 🖤

PAID SUBSCRIBERS: thank you for continuing your support and interest in this project. I cannot thank you enough, but I will continue to try. I hope you have already found my first iteration of movement letters through the zodiac, Bare Bones for Capricorn Movements! Let me know what you think! Please engage with these letters to let me know how they will be the most supportive to you throughout this next solar cycle. 🖤

FREE SUBSCRIBERS: thank you so much for reading and enjoying my letters! For this next solar cycle, I will be sending a preview on the lunation day, and the full letter will be released 5 days after its publication. This is also true for my movement series through the zodiac where I discuss health and wellness through movement and lifestyle with little videos! Both versions should find their way into your mailbox! 🖤

If you’d like to consider subscribing, it is only $5 a month, or $50 a year, unless you are feeling very supportive of your very poor friend (me, I am poverty) then you might become a founding member and contribute $100 and have more interactions with me in the writing process.

Even if you just read my letters, I really really really love that. I write these to engage with and grow my community, so let me know by…

Share The Underworld

or tell me your thoughts!

Time in Transits

Previous Transits:

2.4

Venus in Aries and Jupiter Stationed Direct

2.10

Sun conjunct Mercury in Aquarius

B

Combined with Mars retrograding in Cancer, a tense atmosphere has been brewing for cardinal activities. I’ve witnessed many fresh relationships or projects tumble through a thorny brush of uncertainty with some even finding a complete halt as a need to tune inward becomes louder than ever. Mars will station direct soon! (see below) But it’s not an obstacle, it is a reminder that now is not a great time to rush, and a few things we can be happy about not being off to a great start. Now is a great time to prepare, to plan, to reflect.

There has also been dramatic endings or shifts in what we center around authenticity and security. What a great opportunity to yap about Kendrick’s cutie patootie performance at the Stupid Bowl, where he made multiple statements about the founding of this country being (actively, currently, still) built on the backs of black slaves, and that a performer risked his security to wave the flag for Gaza and Sudan. If all you got out of the performance was ‘he hates Drake’, you are neglecting Kendricks authentic hatred for American Politics and their neglect of their own humanity. His graceful articulation of the problems of our country, and his pride for his fellow black artists (who have never been and will never be Drake).

Upcoming:

2.14

Mercury in Pisces

2.18

Sun in Pisces

2.23

Mars goes direct with a shadow period of about 4 weeks ( yay! kind of, there’s Merc Rx soon :c )

2.25

Mercury conjunct Saturn in Pisces (welcome to my hell)

Do you believe your dreams are your own?1

If you started exclusively watching media made by other cultures in other languages where you had to read the subtitles or it was dubbed in English, how much do you think your mind would shift from your current culture?

If you had never watched television, romcoms, or action dramas centering gun violence saving the day, how would you pursue romance? What would you believe is heroic? What color is the hero?

If we as a society told true honest stories and not crude slandering tabloids shaped like journalism, what might our collective empathy look like?

Everyday I find Fiction more valuable for understanding the world and myself than I ever could believe in “news” or even some history books. Stories, lore, myths, are so much more real to me. I used to be embarrassed to feel that, like I just lacked an education into real world events, but I don’t believe that anymore. In fact, I think anyone who would argue otherwise is lacking something more valuable.

Abel Uribe, 52 years old, Mexican American, Photojournalist.

There is a student of mine, Abel Uribe, 72 years old, Mexican American. He worked for the Chicago Tribune for 30 years, and he is now a professor at Loyola University for photojournalism. He’s told me about his work a lot after classes, how he was underpaid, moved from department to department, considered under a white college intern for jobs, and offered less. And he brushes most of the incidents off as “it was the 80’s-90’s” or something similar, and that’s horrible to think. No Abel, it was your career. It was your livelihood. It was wrong.

We talked a bit about the kind of articles he got to photograph or research for, crime, restaurants, community events and spaces. It was very tough to find any older articles, because everything is behind a steep paywall, which is dangerous and stupid. Not just to readers but to authors, as it is a barrier for their work to reach audiences. Don’t worry I shared some lovely and easy ones to access. I’m proud of my new friend. He’s telling the truth and asking important questions, he’s letting the story tell it self. He’s authentic, genuine, and kind. I asked him if I could write about him and he lit up, but looked confused. “Sure, but I don’t see why”.

“As a photojournalist for almost 30 years, I photographed and learned from many people and their various walks of life. While I help tell their stories, I also walked away with life changing experiences. I am grateful for the trust people put in me.” - From his LinkedIn

Here are some of his articles:

Caught In A Dream

A Dangerous Place to Be Latino

Multiple friends of mine pulled the Star in their tarot readings, and I think that’s fitting given our dawning of the age. There is so much to consider with Pluto in Aquarius and the transits Uranus will have later this year. There is so much that the inter-personal planets (Mercury, Mars, and Venus) have been setting up for us to consider the paradigm shift we’ll all collectively move through.

How do you tell your own story?

Is it important to you be authentic?

Or to be the victim?

Or to be the hero?

Or to be the narrator?

Do you only keep people close who speak of you authentically?

Authenticity is important to me. My life is and will be collaborative. It took a long time to trust my intuition discerning people who are my friends, who could be friends, who care (verb) for me, who speak lovingly about me, empower me, share me with others, who speak honestly with me, from the people who are just …there.

I started reading a novel by Amy Tan called Saving Fish From Drowning. I’m not spoiling much here, because this is within the opening paragraphs. Please consider reading the forward if you’re interested in the novel as it is what wholly captivated me. Amy is writing a fictional story based on a real woman, though I don’t think it’s a true story. The narrator is a recently murdered woman and the story is the mystery of her murder. She starts the book describing her out of body experience of being remembered. She recites a headline essentially mocking her demise.

“Shopkeeper’s Death Ruled Freak Accident”

No reason, no purpose, no one to blame, just some “freak”, this ugly word next to my name forever. And why was I demoted to “shop-keeper”?

-p.3

And with this Amy illustrates much of our current frustrations in current “news” and “journalism”: A lack of the following skills: story telling, critical thinking, a grasp on the basic concept of relaying true information. All replaced with cognitive dissonance.

A Conversation With a Leo

Did you know that Axolotls are nearly extinct?

I did not know that. They are so magical!

Yes. It is their adorable and rare appearance that is keeping them alive. If not for being captured to keep in exhibits, zoos, and as exotic pets, they would be extinct. Their existence in the wildlife is critically endangered. It’s crazy to think that if it weren’t for their captivity they might not be alive at all.

Wow. It makes me wonder if dragons and unicorns were real…and about how beauty is weighed so heavily in morality. Makes me wonder about a lot of things.

Yeah?

Yeah…

PREBLE I think I’m losing my mind.

BELLA Well it’s about time!

Lately, I’ve been doing research for the newsletter, my own astro-historical interests, and for published medical research studies. We are well past the point of trusting Google to give us valuable information my friends. They have very easily agreed to remove all of the historical days that reflect poorly on white supremacy from their calendars. Abolish Cuckle.

I know it’s easy, because its force fed to us and there don’t seem to be a lot of other options, but we have to neglect and starve them of attention like a guy in ur DMs, ok Goddess(gender neutral)? They are burning the library, or blocking it from ease of access and saying it never happened. They are destroying our world, and stealing our stories. They are erasing us.

Research in the digital era takes a whole rolodex of strategies, and yes Reddit is totally valid, but also there are free .edu’s or .gov’s with published papers worth diving into. If it is not free, there are students from that university on Reddit who will gladly give you their email. Search through other countries national libraries. The American Health Association is embarrassing, trust me. HERE’s AN IDEA! GIVE YOUR MONEY TIME AND ATTENTION TO LIBRARIES. Libraries are a free and warm third place for ANYONE, even homeless people. Keep Libraries alive.

• https://archive.org

• John M. Flaxman Library

• Growers Exchange

• AstroSeek Free Birth Chart Calculator, & Many Astro Articles

• Don’t use WebMD, read more - Within the National Library of Medicine is a tool called Bookshelf, where you can search scientific books, articles, etc..

• The Research Archives of UChicago’s Institute For the Study of Ancient Cultures

• Craigslist is actually heckin great y’all!

Those are some random examples of research resources I have in my bookmarks. I believe in our collective capacity to put Booble in its place. Share your favorite search engines with us in the comments if you want. I welcome the dark web, the pink web, the spider webs. 🖤

PREBLE There's something I don't understand.

BELLA I'm glad to hear that.

SEEKING MEDIUM (F/NB/M)

I am looking for someone who reads Akashic Records, to both commune me with the divine and allow me to interview their experience opening the records. Please message me if you are or know of someone.

Out of my hair and into my home, to enter you must lick the ice cream cone.

In looking for still frames from the film I’ve forced quote after quote on you, I found out about this actual Strawberry Mansion. I wondered if there were any correlations, and while there are few indirectly, I don’t think too much was intentional. Albert Birney, who directed the film grew up in Baltimore, just south of this mansion, so I find it hard to believe its a simply unconscious coincidence or that there isn’t subliminal messaging or dots being connected. I did not find any strings on my goose chase or in any interviews. Maybe white guys making Indie films with an all white cast don’t have anything to say about freedom that is outside of their paradigm. BUT I will tie the strings for fun anyway.

Between 1783-1789, Pluto was in Aquarius, Saturn was transiting from Capricorn to Pisces, which definitely is congruent to 2020-2021, which is the creation and release of this film.

In 1783-1789, Neptune was transiting through Libra, and Uranus through Cancer. Not quite lining up with 2020-2021, but interesting aspects between timelines, and considerations for the zeitgeists of each time. Neptune has been leisurely swimming through Pisces, while Uranus has been rearranging Taurus. The 18th century had this cardinal energy of starting things, and now we’re assessing our transitions and endings.

Judge William Lewis, a known abolitionist purchased land in Philadelphia built the Strawberry Mansion after Lewis helped to write and pass An Act for the Gradual Abolition of Slavery in Pennsylvania, on March 1st 1780.

The Sun and Mercury were in pisces, Venus was in Aries, Pluto was in Aquarius, just like they will be on March 1st 2025. Me thinks this is auspicious for reparations, and if it’s not the case, then another civil war.

There are so many questions I have about the property and its maintenance, its farm, its staff, its women who attended the many clubs, and its culture. Not easily found information. Was it really this mansion of abolitionist feminists for the 18th century, or was it…like…performing as one step up from a plantation? We have to think, speak, and act in favor of our causes, but we also have to be honest. We have to tell our stories honestly and courageously.

Cosmic Humor

I have been feeding these feral kittens for a couple of months and I finally trapped them in my apartment, unintentionally! I’d been feeding them inside to introduce them to the idea of coming inside. I closed the door one night, because the cold was too much for me and a guest. I figured if I opened the door again and left it open, they can leave if they wanted to.

They will not. They are hiding from me, and don’t entirely trust me yet, but they aren’t leaving. They talk to me or each other in the middle of the night, and I’ve tried to see if that means they want to leave. I’ve stood in my PJ’s waiting with the door open to see if they’ll go, and they wont. At first I didn’t realize both cats were inside, either, so I spent 3 days thinking it was just ONE cat. BUT NO. There are TWO.

SO I have two pet feral kittens now…unofficially (awaiting the cat government’s approval)

Here is why that is this is funny astrologically:

“Did astrology predict the shit in your apartment?” -Val, an Aquarius

Jupiter is transiting Gemini

Gemini is in my 12th House

Jupiter rules my 6th House.

MERCURY rules Gemini which is moving from Aquarius into Pisces.

12th house: imprisonment, confinement, subconscious.

6th house: pets, familiars, routines, habits, work

Mars is retrograde in Cancer (My 1st house)

I wanted someone to share my dreams with.

A simplified version. The less funny good/bad astrology is that this isn’t a great time for my trapping them, the process of trusting each other, and maintaining my routines and habits and lovely smelling home.

I have inherited TWO very stealthy, very hungry, and poopy kitties who are making me very tired.

Potential Names: Courage and Houdini, but the list of potentials is ever growing. I’ll keep you posted.

Rest In POWER

🖤

FREE SUBSCRIBERS: thank you so much for reading and enjoying my letters! For this next solar cycle, I will be sending a preview on the lunation day, and the full letter will be released 10 days after its publication. This is also true for my movement series through the zodiac where I discuss health and wellness through movement and lifestyle with little videos! Look out for this and that, both versions should find their way into your mailbox! 🖤

If you’d like to consider subscribing, it is only $5 a month, or $50 a year, unless you are feeling very supportive of your very poor friend (me, I am poverty) then you might become a founding member and contribute $100 and have more interaction with me in the writing process.

Even if you just read my letters, I really really really love that. I write these to engage with and grow my community, so let me know by…

Share The Underworld

or tell me your thoughts!

Time in Transits

Aquarius Season 1.19 - 2.27.2025

1.21 Sun conjunct Pluto

1.23 Mercury conjunct Mars

2.4 Venus conjunct Neptune then move into Aries

Jupiter stations Direct

2.9, 10 & 11 Sun conjunct Mercury, together square Uranus

Urgency is a billboard to let you know something important is up ahead, but it doesn’t give you any directions for what’s coming.

Urgency doesn’t say “STOP THERE!” or “GO THERE NOW!”, it just says !!!!! You can decide to accelerate, maintain, decelerate or even pause. But not everything is important or even worth considering. Whether or not this sense of urgency ‘is real’ might very well be one of those things. Our body communicates with us based on our past experiences to move us in certain directions for the future. If urgency is sound and real, we must be prepared to yield to instinct. We must know how to listen and navigate.

Why do I write during the lunar cycles? Why do I want to commune with you in rhythm with the moon and the sun over the seasons and our past?

I want to synchronize our collective conscious with the rhythms of the Earth.

To respect time here with you on Earth.

I want to be at home with you.

What is Judgement?

Judgement is sitting or standing completely still in the audience out of fear of being witnessed. Judgement is dancing, even if it is alone, because something in the sound or silence is opening you up and stretching you out, and you know that you just need to.

Judgement is not having any concrete evidence to trust someone completely, but doing it anyway. Judgement is having concrete evidence that something only intention is cruelty, and cutting it at the ankles.

Judgement isn’t just knowing when something is taking up too much of your attention or time and holding you back. It isn’t completing the research and trial to definitely know wether or not the subject in question is innocent or guilty. It’s your response to any information or lack there of. It’s what you choose to do regardless. They do not always affect each other.

I have this lack of patience for politics, for the current unfolding of events, because some things just feel and always have felt so laboriously OBVIOUS. That there are a lot of things that don’t not need researched or discussed or weighed anymore, that we just need to commit to cutting at the ankles or taking out of the inception and making a reality.

Just do it. Remember, the time will pass anyway…just start, who cares? WHO CARES ANYMORE? DOES ANYONE EVEN CARE? START CARING NOW.

CARING IS IN.

NOT CARING IS OUT.

JUDGEMENT IS CARING.

CARING IS IN ACTIONS.

JUDGEMENT IS AN ACTION.

It has never ever not even once with any modicum of significance been in THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, IN DISCOURSE, OR OPINIONS.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I’m sorry to yell at you. You can take it. You’re not a coward.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” - Ambrose Redmoon

Is it also Justice?

Who decides what Justice is?

Do you answer this question differently to a child or a peer or an elder?

Where do they align and where do they differ?

Is there a right answer?

Why is that such an important question RIGHT NOW?

Do me a favor and grab a piece of paper, it doesn’t have to be a dedicated journal with a special pen, and no that is not another personal attack. Just write down with your hands,

offline,

your free thoughts.

Don’t curate or correct them. Just write until you can’t think of anything else for these questions or whatever you want. Then you must read them. You must sit with them and listen to the words. They are yours. They are your judgements.

This could be the start of healing, don’t skip this step, even if it’s only the start!

Justice is healing, not revenge, not rules, not legislature, but healing! Healing is a mess. Justice is a mess. And…

…what if justice is just… time.

Under the moon of the water bearer, under a very Saturnian moment, I am here to aggressively tell you, being present doesn’t look like stealing from the future, doesn’t look like taking the past for granted.

A constant state of stimulus response or just managing the day to day isn’t a more comfortable life.

Posting shit on our stories is really not doing anything to stop all of our water and food from being poisoned so they can only be given to AI and guns and people who should be starved of power.

What if justice is paying better respect to time? Taking responsibility for your time?

I know a lot of wonderful resources are out there suggesting things you can do in your community to protest, to revolt, to build the new world, lock in, walk the talk, but what if you spent like an hour or a few writing down what a sustainable future looks like…thinking of what you already do and what you want to do or don’t want to do but know you must, and what if you came up with your own ideas of respecting time?

Not to be unique, not for novelty, not because who likes being told what to do? But because you want to respect time with your personal responsibility, because you’re an empathetic and responsible human being. Because this is really the only way individuality makes a difference.

What if we shrunk the toxic codependency our culture has to individualism down to just owning our own ideas and intentions by acting on them… because I bet your idea isn’t unique, and that’s wonderful. I bet there is someone waiting for the invitation, the friend to do your idea with you. I bet theres a whole village starving for what you feel called to grow.

I struggled with the idea to not include images in this letter. There is something about an Aquarius New Moon that feels underground. I wanted to share some artists that are not underground, but are doing work underground and use art to gain recognition to their cause. Or artists with overt meaning in the work to show the work that needs to be done underground within the audience.

Art and writing that doesn’t exist on the internet, reading offline, existing offline. This is already becoming more and more scarce, which doesn’t make sense to me because it is also already the space where it is safe for our individual judgement and to create our own individual as well as our collective justice. The revolution will not be televised or shared on stories.

Justice requires integrity and the first rule of fight club is you don’t post your illegal activism online for clout. You’re not going to find the work thats being done online.

Please consider visiting, reading about, or following these artists currently exhibited at MCA here in Chicago as well as some other museums around the world:

Arthur Jafa

Works From the MCA Collection

I stood through his short documentary Love Is The Message, The Message Is Death. I wish I could tell you it was shocking, and it broke my heart. It’s from 2016, and it probably would’ve made me feel that way now. But it is still so relevant now that I just stood there and wanted to burn everything. This exhibit behind a paywall at Chicago’s most progressive art museum is the closest to the revolution being televised we are going to get. I stood and I felt the numbness twitch. I don’t love how much it makes me want to set myself on fire.

Andrea Carlson

Shimmer on Horizons at the MCA

The work is really captivating, psychedelic, and symbolic of rivers, time, culture through generations, and there are a lot of words around the exhibit that are better suited to define it, so go check it out. I was drawn in by the blurb about the intention behind the shared exhibit. There was also a talk with the artist in October that you can watch here.

These next few quotes are from a historian with a niche interest in wine about the movement of language throughout the French Revolution.

The language here, well, first, Patois is Jamaican Creole and it was banned for racist reasons, obviously, and it wasn’t the only language! But the wording that this writer chose carries a tone I hope we pay attention to. He’s telling us that the decisions acted upon by the French Authorities at the time ( which are the revolutionaries, mind you!) sought to frame their intentions under the guise of equality, by removing the culture and language of their citizens to mandate a unified language already native to the monarchy, so they could eradicate counterrevolutionaries from unifying against the French Republic. This is a familiar concept, I hope. Especially when we consider our own aversions to start a revolt, scarcity in information, access to it, culture, education, and resources from other countries or the delusion that our outrageous tariffs can purchase the rights to these things as Americans.

Have you ever asked yourself where Quinoa comes from? The origin of its name?

Have you looked into the war on cashews?

Do you know why there are so many Brazilians fluent in Japanese and vice versa?

This is an image from ‘Seven Songs for Malcom X’ a documentary by John Akomfrah, a Ghanaian & British artist (1993).

The banning of TikTok, the burning of books, the legislature around autonomy and human rights are reminders that Justice is learned, passed down, changes, is cultural, generational, comes with authority, comes with consequence, and with punishment. It is rare to see the words Justice and Judgement thrown around without them.

Could you write a definition or a story around Justice and Judgement without those three? Could you write a story of justice with authority and consequence that doesn’t ingratiate men and isn’t masturbatory to their existence?

I know of one story from the Talmud that can do the former, and it’s written a lot of ways across many cultures.

Everything today pushes us to read less, learn less, to question less, and consume in consolidated and prepared packaged processed ‘goods’. Everything is trying to become simplified and comfortable for us, but that…makes me severely uncomfortable.

I see these sentiments of creating a new world that is still catered to the comfort of violence. As if we can grow anything in plastic soil? There cannot be a kind reason or just cause for this. There is no joy in being spoon fed poison. There is no joy in taking without ever giving void of immediate transaction.

There cannot be a kind reason or a need for technology to supersede our very existence?

🖤

Anyway, a rising tide lifts ALL boats.

Start organizing underground meetings to disrupt social standards.

Start openly breaking laws and do not regard laws that uphold systemic violence anymore. Stop following.

Start pressuring your employers to remove federal and state taxes and pay you under the table with local banks or in cash.

Start telling doctors who are afraid of losing their license what they really are: greedy cowards without purpose.

I am so not being hyperbolic or funny. In fact, I am sobbing and begging. Make this a common discourse, now.

STOP BEING SURPRISED BY THE HORRORS AND START JUDGEMENTS OF JUSTICE.

May This Empire Rest in Piss 🖤

PAID SUBSCRIBERS: thank you for continuing your support and interest in this project. I cannot thank you enough, but I will continue to try. I hope you have already found my first iteration of movement letters through the zodiac, Bare Bones for Capricorn Movements! Let me know what you think! Please engage with these letters to let me know how they will be the most supportive to you throughout this next solar cycle. 🖤

FREE SUBSCRIBERS: thank you so much for reading and enjoying my letters! For this next solar cycle, I will be sending a preview on the lunation day, and the full letter will be released 10 days after it’s publication. This is also true for my movement series through the zodiac where I discuss health and wellness through movement and lifestyle with little videos! Look out for this and that, both versions should find their way into your mailbox! 🖤

If you’d like to consider subscribing, it is only $5 a month, or $50 a year, unless you are feeling very supportive of your very poor friend (me, I am poverty) then you might become a founding member and contribute $100 and have more interaction with me in the writing process.

Even if you just read my letters, I really really really love that. I write these to engage with and grow my community, so let me know by…

Share The Underworld

or tell me your thoughts!

Time in Transits

1.2 Venus in Pisces

1.3 Mars Retrograde opposite Pluto

1.8 Mercury in Capricorn

Upcoming Transits

1.14 (Tomorrow) Venus square Jupiter (ALSO UNCLE BEN BILLAND’s BIRTHDAY!)

1.15 Mars opposite the Sun

1.18 Venus conjunct Saturn

Aquarius Season 1.19 - 2.27.2025

1.21 Sun conjunct Pluto

1.23 Mercury conjunct Mars

Das a lot.

The Sun is reaching for Pluto, we are all searching for a change in power.

Venus is chasing Saturn and Neptune, comfort is fleeting when we truly define love. Everything dies.

Mars is receding from Jupiter toward the Moon who stands opposed to the Sun. The greed of few serves one useful purpose and that is reminding us of the wrongs of our ancestors and the responsibility we have to the future.

Mercury and Mars will reconnect and they will have much to agree on, but they never carry out business in the same fashion. They’re individuals. We are all individuals who can work together despite our differences.

Much like the world around us, I’m dissociating and full of feelings. I’ve gathered enough coherent thoughts together to write you about some themes from previous cycles where some of these transits have occurred and are worth sitting with during this current cycle. These themes might be hard to piece together on the same mosaic for some of us, so I’m using one of my favorite tools for connecting the dots, inspiration, and direction, which is the Tarot.

The Devil

FUN FACT

The word ‘VANDALISM’ was created by French bourgeois during the height of the French Revolution to describe revolutionaries who destroyed or maimed royal statues, art, and architecture that belonged to the church.

This quote is from an article considering iconoclasts and vandals, and the socio-political impacts made by the artists of the French Revolution.1

Every single time I pull the Devil in a tarot reading,…

The Devil is Capricorn, is counterculture, is “Don’t tell me what to do.” It is “I’ll do it myself.” It is vandalism, and it is standing in one’s own right to live how they see fit as well as advocating that for everyone else. I could dedicate a whole letter to (literally anything, because I have a Pisces Mercury and wont shut the fuck up, but especially to) the Devil both as a tarot card and as a deity/concept currently, as well as throughout history. It has always had a bad rap and is THEE Villain across cultures, not just at the megachurch bar and grill. Thanks to my now comprehensive and diverse library of smut and fantasy literature, I can confidently say the Devil is responsible for a question asked by our ancestors so far back they were not even allowed to read:

IF EVIL, WHY SEXY?

When google searching ‘The Devil Tarot’, you’re going to find a lot of negative connotations around addiction, hedonism, and chaining oneself to restrictions from their best self. And while I do find that to be helpful advice, the Devil is not always the responsible party for indulgence in self-abuse, but a message or indicator that you have fundamentally misinterpreted the meaning of freedom. This card, to me is interpreted as intended as just “free yourself” and is telling the recipient to break the chains, which might be addiction, but that’s not relevant to everyone.

Most people don’t see that addiction can apply to ANYTHING. Break free from pretending to be nice to or be like people who abuse you. Free yourself from the enslavement of a capitalist lifestyle that is killing you. MAYBE? One needs to sober up from substances in order to fully make the concessions with capitalist workplaces like establishments that make you pay for the product you produced?, OR consumerism like using a made up currency to share resources with people and feeling estranged or alienated from everyone all the time? and other cultural ‘normalcies’ like being attracted to a person who treats you like property? IDK, I wont tell you how to live your life, babe. All I’m saying is there are other ways to live it.

Escaping abuse, addiction, excessive coping mechanisms, whatever they may be comes with a cost too. I’m not about to sell you some bullshit either. It is impossible without supportive, loving, and forgiving people around you. Ever tried sobriety or cutting off a toxic person in your life? You lose more than one friend. You lose third places, and you lose certain aspects of yourself. You might gain more, but sacrifice is an inarguable trade with the Devil for your freedom. The Devil calls us to confront a challenging choice, reject conformity or familiarity and pursue what is ours, to break rules and even risk isolation if we must for the sake of what we know to be right. Sound familiar?

We’re giggling and agreeing: we love him. He is baby girl. I know this is silly, but please friends read this as sincerely as you can. I cried my eyes out when I fully embraced the somatic feeling of understanding what this man did not at all do, and is being wrongly accused of.

When I let myself believe that he maybe did that… I cried because I finally felt this disillusioned feeling I don’t think I’ve ever felt from anyone in my entire life. That’s love. That’s it. It’s not between two people per se, and it’s violent. What courage. What Sacrifice. For his mother, for himself, for his country, for his ancestors, for children, for me. This is including the men who have self immolated over the years, the people throughout history who swam against the stream. I have never felt a more grandiose display of love for my life in my life by anyone currently living who is close to me, and I don’t know if I will.

I’m not being silly. I can cry right now about it. I’m grateful for all of you. Maybe my life is that lonely, maybe the world is that bleak, but maybe it’s what everyone is feeling, besides seeing with their eyes that this suspect is like Greek God Hot. Nothing that’s ever happened to me is more romantic or caring than this. No sex act has or ever will be more satisfying. No proposal or story of triumph over great struggle will feel more personal and fill my heart with more hope. I get why people are like weird about Jesus Christ. I get it now. Half of me wants to apologize to my exes, like “I should’ve known you couldn’t kill a CEO, I’m sorry I expected you to make me cum”. The other half wants to write them like “Look what you also failed to achieve”.

Anyway. Moving on…

The Chariot

It’s funny actually. For years, I’ve associated the Chariot with a womb, because of its associations to Cancer, so I imagined it as something that carries out or nurtures an idea or act of the will in a mothering way. And while that is true, it only recently occurred to me, that in the original art there is a warrior and this chariot is for war. Both of these feminine and masculine energies hadn’t fully existed together for me until recently. *quietly plays War by Edwin Starr*

The Strength and Will of the warrior is being carried out by Duality and Intention, or Duality and Intention are being reined in by the warrior’s Strength and Will. I struggled to read the Bhagavad Gita, and it took years to grasp some meaning. Of course, I have created or carried out destructive things and actions with this belief that the universe supported my path and even provided a chariot for me onward at their inception (I didn’t think of the destruction). Of course, because everyone has. It’s important to include the warrior in this card, because it’s important to remember that everything is born from violence. If you haven’t ever read this myth, I recommend it for developing another connection or deepening your own meaning behind this card.

Intention vs. Attention

Notice what grabs your attention, and what you’re actively choosing to focus on. You must have attention when having intention, you don’t always have intention when something has your attention.

When setting intentions, I would feel immense pressure, because of my duty to do the thing. I would put so much weight on it that I would consider all the things that might elicit my failures, and cast them out too. Love to plan flawlessly in theory, its a great (anxious) practice. However, I would find myself not far along and easily giving in to the obstacles I wrote off. The immensely disheartening feeling would hold me back from advancing for a long time, but my desire to fulfill these intentions never faltered. I eventually always come back to them with revised plans.

A lot of people have a higher constitution of capacity for focus where others have an abundance of fear and shame and neurosis. The latter aren’t lost or at fault just being so, and the former is not inherently better off or blessed. Any constitution can be cared for, but it’s not always easy to find care, build focus, and shed shame.

Trust your intentions when they arise, because they often have a spirit of their own and arise in you, unlike where we allow our attention to fall.

Trust that whatever your intentions are, you’re already acting on them.

I hope you fail. I hope you fail constantly. I hope you fail so much it becomes a ubiquitous practice in pursuit of your intention.

When the fear and shame falls away from your attention, you’ll have more room to choose to focus your attention on your intention.

It takes a gentle focus, the maternal feeling of allowing yourself space and a steady pace to discover yourself, those intentions within you, and the best path toward them. You don’t need to have a good relationship with your mom or women or feminism to find and embody maternal wisdom. Everyone has an intuition. Everyone has somatic experiences.

It takes a tolerance to discomfort, the paternal feeling of establishing boundaries and cutting off our fear of instant gratification. You don’t need to have a good relationship with your dad or men or patriarchy to find and embody paternal wisdom. Everyone has a will. Everyone is capable of consistency in stillness or action.

A card from the minor arcana you might consider alongside the Chariot is the Ten of Pentacles.

Consider that people destroyed monuments to royalty, wealth, and their oppression and then artists painted and drew those scenes so they would be remembered. An artist created a depiction of the destruction of something, because how else might we know it was there before? We need our ancestors, and we are someone else’s ancestors, even if we aren’t carrying out our lineage with reproduction. Talk to people outside of your age group, culture, social circles, and talk to them often. Disagree and remain unified however we can. The more stories we can gather the more information we have. Knowledge is already a scarce and dangerous resource.

If we have intentions that we want carried out, strength and will are necessary to get going, but it’s not enough. We need a community to sustain the Chariot. A community to support that young man who did not do it, so I can marry him. A community of devils in chariots, just picture it. All I ask is that you imagine it.

If you have trouble imagining the destruction of the old world and just want to invest in the creation of the new world but don’t see how those two things happen simultaneously, maybe like me, you’d like to spend time sitting with a sweet story that gets the gears (tears) going.

There’s a wonderful story I found (you already know it’s anime) that follows a grandmother (sort of) a young woman, and a little girl living in a magical house that takes care of them. Check out the novel the House of the Lost on the Cape or the film version here.

Write this down

What are my excessive coping mechanisms and which of them are dependent on my self-sacrifice or on people who abuse me?

Who or what has my attention, unbounded?

What is ubiquitous and what is rare to me?

What are the things I have trouble focusing on, but I want or need to?

An act of vandalism against myself looks like..? Against my community? Why or How?

Lastly, everyone say Happy Birthday tomorrow to my beloved Uncle Ben. He likes birds, send him a picture of a bird.

Rest In Peace 🖤

Enjoy this quick video inspired by Capricorn to build the foundation of any movement practice.

I’ll reiterate in writing that it’s very important to begin and regularly maintain the basics of your practice for review, stability, strength, mobility, and injury prevention. So even if you’re an advanced climber, a heavy weight champion, or someone who hasn’t done any kind practice in a while, this is relevant and useful information for you to take confidence in. ESPECIALLY if you have Mars or Mercury near or negatively aspected by Saturn or negatively aspected by other planets in Capricorn. (It me)

Here’s a great reference for what I’m touching on, the planes of the body and ranges of motion for your consideration!

Things not in this video to also consider in your daily life for better bone and joint health:

Something not so far fetched to consider is that the psychological or social associations with the signs are also literally applicable to the physical nature of them. Bones can change, grow, degrade, and are even malleable through movement and enduring force (mercury and mars), but that takes a lot of time and persistent dedication (Saturn).

Over years of beating their shins and forearms with wooden or even steel rods, martial artists have increased their bone density to that of a lethal weapon. (I’m not suggesting this, just stating for science) However…,

Resistance, impact, and weight bearing exercises promote bone density when managed routinely in conjunction with proper nutrition and rest practices.

Nutrients like Estrogen, Calcium, and Vitamin D promote bone density when properly absorbed through osteoblasts* (coupling dependent nutrients and routine exercise and rest).

Vitamins A, C, & D, Zinc and Proteins help promote connective tissue health.

Weight bearing activities promote bones density. Honestly, when I first read about that at a younger age, I had a silly thought—no I had a very wise thought.

Resisting gravity and its pull of your bones into the ground slows down time.

It’s not helpful to consume these things without a plan though, that could actually do damage. For instance a surplus of Vitamin C and a lack of Vitamin D can cause issues with digestion, cognitive function, and weaken bone and connective tissue. Lifting really heavy one day a week only can create heavy muscle tissue and weak connective tissue that wear on your bones. It can also wear you out so start with light and manageable weights while you’re establishing a routine, and then start adding challenges. It’s important to create routines prioritize your bodies best chance to digest and metabolize these nutrients as well measuring your intake of them with a balanced diet. Sleep, lift, and sunlight.

If routines are really daunting for you (me) and this information seems impossible to apply to your life, just taking more time to learn about it is enough. Just reading about it until it feels approachable is enough. You will absorb the information, and it will become easier to approach.

If you would be interested in some guidance of where to begin, go next, or an honest witness to how you move your body, please consider a Mercurial Remediation consultation with yours truly. We’ll use your chart together to build your routine and check in to make adjustments and encouragements where they’re needed. Send me a message to start scheduling.

Look. It takes the time it takes and the time will pass anyway. You’re worth it, so get started. Even if not through services, I’m here to help if you need, just ask.

Rest your weary bones in peace.

🖤

Hello Readers!

It’s been too long. I’m here to return, if you’ll have me. If not, just unsubscribe now, because I am announcing that I am writing to you in rhythm with the moon for the next year! Welcome back New and Full Moon letters. This letter is arriving to you on the eve of a New Moon in Capricorn (If you’re also in Central or later Standard Time) We’re burying somethings so that they can grow. We’re watering what is on it’s way up already. The rest, we’re burning.

Dear friends, don’t find ways to assuage your rage.

Don’t soothe your soul.

Focus it.

If you find a movement that scratches the aching wisdom of what your bones know, let me know. The ol’ meat bags are here for our hearts’ whims, so sharpen your teeth with me. I hope you don’t mind such a long wait for another letter from me. The best things in life are worth waiting for, and the major players of our astro baseball game know that best. Let’s talk about the last year and the big Sky Daddy’s 🖤

To malign or judge a woman’s inherited physicality is to make generation after generation of anxious and neurotic women. To make destructive and exclusionary judgments about a woman’s inherited form, robs her of several critical and precious psychological and spiritual treasures. It robs her of pride in the body type that was given to her by her own ancestral lines. If she is taught to revile this body inheritance, she is immediately slashes away from her female identity with the rest of the family.1

TBH

I’ve been struggling in transition with a lot of things.

I’m coming to terms with some really difficult changes that I’ve felt strongly about for some time. I’ve had these words brewing while I relocated my home and reevaluated my self-worth in my career. It makes sense that I took space during sagittarius season to evaluate what this year has been making glaringly obvious. Like how hard it truly is to teach an old dog new tricks. All of theses changes and transitions have made being ACTIVE in my body and sharing that activity with others (too) tender or heavy or not even possible. I feel like I’ve become a very different person, and I haven’t quite found the words for it, but maybe we’ll discover them together.

SO YES, all that to say I’m circling back to Sagittarius and Capricorn and then on to Aquarius and Pisces in the body, because everything is connected, so I wouldn’t leave it out even if the season’s passed.

Sagittarius is our thighs, hips, and liver.

Jupiter rules Sagittarius in a steadfast and persistent manner. For those who are able, we have Sagittarius to thank for carrying us to new places, captivating the attention of others, dancing, conquering, love-making, and rest and rejuvenation.

Capricorn is our bones, specifically between the knees & toes.

Think goat. Saturn rules Capricorn in a grounded and practical manner. We have Capricorn to thank for our foundation and connection to the ground. No matter what talent we have, no matter the strength of our will, no matter how well funded, every goal, every project, every effort we make depends on maintaining a solid foundation.

Aquarius is electric currents and nerves, between & throughout skin & bone.

Saturn also rules Aquarius, and in modern astrology, Uranus does as well. Aquarius governs the body as the thing that animates it and allows every organism within it to communicate with each other in a unified sense so it can communicate with all that is outside of it.

Pisces is our feet and the inherent wisdom that comes with being inside a body.

Jupiter rules Pisces as well as Sagittarius, and in modern astrology Neptune does as well. For there to be places new unto us, they must have been cared for before us. Pisces is that feeling of trust when you walk through your house with your eyes closed at night, because you’ve walked this walk so many times before. Pisces is the wonder of am I really alive experiencing this inside a body? And what are my limits if not this body?

This is where you longterm memory actually is. These areas of the body hold so much emotional, erotic and experiential memory! It may be easy to lose connection with them because they hold such ancient knowing. They’re integral and they have a place in our chart. I’m excited this year to study and share with you how I track health with the planets.

In fairy tales certain magic objects have transportive and sensory abilities that are metaphors for body, such as magic leaf, magic carpet, cloud. Sometimes cloaks, shoes, shields, hats, and helmets giving the power of invisibility, superior strength, far-vision, and so forth. These are archetypal kith and kin.2

🖤

It’s my hope that explaining my chart a bit gives you an insight into reading your own with regards to your movement and body and having better access tapping into that ancient knowing.

Sagittarius is my 6H ruler (& 5H co-ruler), and my natal Jupiter is in my 4H in the sign of Scorpio. My natal Jupiter is also almost out of an opposition with transiting Jupiter…both retrograding!

Saturn rules my 7H & 8H, Capricorn follows Sag in my 7H. Saturn is in my 9H in Pisces. I am experiencing the last wave of my Saturn return, as it retrograded back and forth over 3 times. PHEW! As my close friend recently lovingly remarked “Yeah, you’re going through it!”

It’s very interesting how that’s been showing up! Now that I have a place of my own to rest, I’m struggling to find a sustainable source of income with a job that honors my core values. It’s made for many sleepless nights and days missed entirely to sleep. I’ve stepped back from drinking and smoking significantly over the last 9 months and I’m closer to sobriety than I’ve ever been. My liver started showing the work it’s doing to flush all of the toxins out with red in my cheeks and eyes and discomfort in my gut as it reestablishes healthy bacteria. So I’ve been gaining weight in these areas quite rapidly. With inactivity and weight gain, my hip labrum injury from 2020 was resurfacing, sending a surge of discomfort around being in my body in movement, and I’m needing to double down on my physical therapy maintenance, which until recently left me with very little energy to do much else with my body. I think I got through the worst of the it and am sprinting forward to bulletproof joints and a body as wise and as kind as water. Full sobriety is the goal of this year as it was last, and the year before that, and that, but every year I get closer and this year feels the closest and most easily attainable.

If you also have the same or similar placements or you’re about to experience a Jupiter opposition, don’t worry or think the same will come for you. Our charts and OUR LIVES are probably very different. But any transitions are worth considering or reflecting back on with regards to where Jupiter or Saturn is in your chart.

I’m here as a resource to talk about it with you, just ask.

I’m here as a resource for finding authentic movements for your body, just ask.

IF YOU’VE MADE IT THIS FAR, THANK YOU!

I AM LOOKING FOR INTERESTED SHARERS OF ALL KINDS TO SHOUT OUT AND SHARE OVER THE NEXT YEAR!

For instance, the sweet photographer I’ve shared a handful of times, Amanda Fagan is a Leo LEO Sag, and you can read more from her at another substack called Like Water Over Moss !

If you are or know someone who has a business or writes or performs whatever the hell that wants to be shared, send me that shit with the appropriate season to share it in with a little about them/you.

Love you lots.

RIP 🖤

I’ve learned a lot about myself.

Such as…

I can ascertain a lot of information really quickly when I want to.

I would prefer to be home alone, actually.

I have certain kinks, and I don’t want anyone to know what they are.

I envy, deeply.

I have a problem with putting things down, saying “no” to myself, or letting things go

…li…

Read more

The first one I’ve had in almost nine months. I thought about enduring it without anything but water. Even though my skin was on fire, swallowing water made me wish I’d puke. I sat on the pile of clothes I barely managed to get off, wrapping my legs around the toilet bowl, naked, begging for my body to release the tension in every nerve around my brain, down my spine. My arms were traitors just hanging there, their weight unbearable. I must’ve been there for 45 minutes before I stood up, made tea with my eyes nearly closed, and took two pain killers, which I hate. I lied down on the wrong side of my bed, closest to the bathroom. The one hopeful thought I gave myself: I will make an effort to sleep in the middle of bed more. I carefully writhed through hip stretches eventually succumbing to a fetal hug on my side with a pillow between my knees and another against my chest. I eventually fell asleep.

I woke up, dreaming of my sisters, a dream I thought I’d write down and immediately preferred not to, but I felt lighter. No use lamenting things that wont change. Fucking sore and tight everywhere from the cause of my migraine: all the erupting energy I’d harbored gluttonous for months being dead weight, heavy, slumbering sludge. I’d tried to expel it over the last week. Months of surrendering to rest I’d been refused the year before, months of safety and nothing but healing. Like any Aries would, I thought I’d make up for all of my lost activity and swing back into an upward motion, impatiently with just hours. Hours of sweating, running, biking, climbing stairs, weights, throwing myself in the studio as I’d loved to do years before I deluded myself into seeking a normal life where a love might save me. Before, when I knew as I now know with certainty that only I will fight for and defend this life.

Happy Birthday to me.

30 years new, …mostly.

Embellished with the never-dulling aches, new and unique percussions from my joints like the ones in my neck that I was certain were going to snap my consciousness from me if I twisted the wrong way with that migraine. The birthday of confronting the hateful color and lines in my face that tell more stories of my grief than of my joy from the last 30 years. At least recently it had felt this way. See, there’s a heaviness behind my eyes that I feel all the time, no matter how much rest I get or reading as exercise, with the oxygen I challenge into my blood through all my energy spending, even with all the positive thinking I fight to keep the loudest. A persistent straining, aging. A quieting. “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” my head has been so utterly silent recently. The most savory and sweet, warm, comforting silence. One I even see in my reflection, which I don’t shy away from, curious as I am to witness the progress. My eyes lack a certain light and color that they used to have. The blur and cross when they aren’t necessary. Like a film of slowly drying clay-water greying them. They’re so chaffed and dry often enough that that could very well be what it is. But there’s a different depth to them. An understanding I was so hungry for when I was younger and would stare into them. I can’t tell if it comes from all I’ve seen, or all I’ve let go of seeing. I remember being 13 and spending a greedy amount of time staring at my eyes, trying to notice any changes over one minute, all their details. I’d love to draw people’s faces much more then. I was my own resource, a study. But sometimes I would stare waiting to see if something or someone else would take control and come out. If there was something else there.

My cheeks have filled and sunken and lifted and sagged around my eyes like a mountain face carved by the ocean of my tears or bellows of laughter like wind over the years. An unloved color of red splattered now permanent to remind me that I was reckless in consuming poison too young, my liver making itself known. This year will be the year I take that warning seriously. Although I’m proud of my effort to drink no more than twice a week for the majority of the last few months. It really will be easy to let drinking go and replace it with …anything. I never really made friends at bars. It’s just that their friendship only existed within the walls of the bar or where ever alcohol was.

My jaw hasn’t started popping when I chew, which is a burdening relief. I remember being too cruel to my father when I lived at home, shuddering and groaning at him for forcing me to sit with him as we ate dinner, because of what I thought the sound was evidence of: the choices he’d made for his own body… ones I would also make, evidence of his aging, evidence of our dying. How many of his teeth are fake or simply not there, and the rest, brown. He’s beautiful in a decrepit way, his favorite adjective for himself. I should tell him more that it, too, is beautiful. That I find him beautiful. That I find our dying to be beautiful. I am working to tell myself that more.

I’m only missing one tooth, so far. I remember having it ripped from my jaw last year as I stared wide eyed at the dental surgeon who encouraged me “You’re doing great Sarah. There will be a lot of pressure here. It’s going to feel like I might break your jaw. You’re doing great. Just one more pull.” I thought I’d give up sweets, smoking, alcohol, eating all together to never go through that again. I would do no such thing it turns out. I immediately took three shots of mezcal and ate three pints of ice cream that week. I didn’t make it three weeks to start smoking and eating cake again. I’m sure I’ll give that tooth demon another one of mine every few years at the rate I’m going.

My mouth. My resting frown. My lips are shaped around my teeth, and maybe only I can see its asymmetry, but I can. I can feel it. My crooked smile. My friend told me I’m the only person in her life who talks about beauty as much as I do. I was surprised to think not everyone is as concerned with their face. Surely, it’s one of those vanities we’re allowed, and without judgment, because of how much sway we can have with the world through it? Because of how absolutely vital a face can be? Because of how many stories a face can tell? Because of how many faces are shared? Surely, I’m not the only one so curious about what lies underneath their face?

I’ve thought about botox and fillers, sure, while practicing the face yoga I found online. She’s truly fantastic and so sweet, do enjoy her videos with me. I’ve thought of all the ways I would change my face, indirectly or not, and the thing is…

I’ve stared at this face for 30 years. It’s not the symmetry or lines or fullness or color, not beauty that makes men or women crave something vulgar and intimate from me. I’ve stared with disgust, with desire, with pride, with disappointment, with compassion, with caress, with pleading, with regret, with delightful humor, inside jokes only I share, with my mothers eyes, and my fathers, with what I thought were lovers eyes, and with those all too wise eyes dormant and waiting. I’ve seen the effect I have in others faces staring back at me as well. I check the mirror almost every chance I can stomach, checking that the eyes staring back always hold her up to the ocular lens: that little girl.

That wild, courageous, curious, wonderful, and caring— overwhelmingly caring little girl. Sometimes she feels like a dream I haven’t had in years. But I know she loves our face. She thinks it is beautiful. I am beautiful. She thinks it is terrifying. I am terrifying. She likes that too. The wonder, the respect, the understanding. She was searching for me in her study. She didn’t think I could be so many faces at once. She never thought this face would go through all that it has and survive, and she is still excited about all that it will. She doesn’t shy from any changes. Most of the time, she just wants to tag along for the ride, and I wouldn’t go on any if it were any other way. I’d lose sight of much more than I could afford if I lost sight of her in my face. This is what beauty means and what terror means to me.

I woke up, and I felt lighter,

something like fire in my chest rising and filling my head

with hot smoke as it lifted all of me higher.

Something like willing this body to be newer with every day,

more determined and focused with every day.

Willing my joy to triumph my failures, to avenge my grief,

to dance with my rage.

Dance with an ancient rage I still learn about every day.

Venus cycles

Venus is NOT the planet of love and beauty and riches of nice polite, civility. No. Venus is the planet of relationships. The former are qualities that can come with relationships auspiciously, but not without their shadows as all relationships are driven from primal human desire. Venus can be as much a vicious brute as Mars and a powerful greedy force as Pluto. Venus is a gossipy busybody who loves nothing more than writing telenovela melodramas and thorny tragedies while gulping down chambers of wine and feasts fit for kings, relishing in art it did not create. If or when embodied, I’d like to think we are best friends.

The last 8 years, for me, were a series of lessons… as we meme about. Disappointment after disappointment after shattering disillusionment, who’s fault, in retrospect, isn’t worth debating unless Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos stood as defendants beside me in the court of my life’s judgment. At least that’s what I like to believe. Each encounter with a lover or a friend, opportunity that ended however painfully, was to give something valuable back to myself, to share something worthy like knowledge; experience. And still. There’s more for me to learn, to experience, to become. Venus is so heavy with that. There’s so much more of me to become.

Venus makes magnificent magic with its orbit, weaving a story of relationship around us, and it can be tracked and studied in such a way foreshadowing the story it’s telling around us. Th shadows have their time equivalent to the bright light that Venus shines on our charts, the peaks and valleys of all life forces. The shape of its full cycle like perfectly overlapping five pointed stars. Like a satanic pentagram pendant. Like a little girl’s dream.

I’m four years deep in a retrospective pursuit of my own Venus Synodic cycle, and it is illuminating aspects of myself through other aspects of my charts during those years. I have a bit of confusion around wether Venus’s brightest moments were also my own, or wether we contrasted each other. Wether I thrived in the planet’s darkness or it’s brightness. Every orbit told a different story, so I’ve yet to be swayed either way. The lesson’s I’d been given and what I was to glean from those relationships. My relationships, not just with lovers had experience to offer, with coworkers, employers, with friends, sisters I chose, with money, with art, with the city itself and it’s mercurial movings all shaped me to where I am and who I believe I am.

I’m grateful for the time I have now, however impoverished or challenged by the obligations of the world to sit with who I am and what I want to truly make of it. Where I want to explore more relationship through my next cycles. I’m not sure if my intentions to learn my history through Venus’s eyes are therapeutic or to unlock the codes of better controlling my destiny. I know the latter is futile and maddening, but there’s that incessant burning in my chest to stop at nothing until get what I want.

I’ll feed it anything, everything.

Although that hearth in my chest unwaveringly desires to give,

to build,

to guide,

it seems I have a journey of learning to ask and receive,

to learn help more than I’d thought ahead of me still.

And with more grace than I thought I’d ever possessed.

An astrologer I’ve loved learning from for the last six years does a much better job of explaining and educating those patterns, shapes and cycles for natal readings. I’d be foolish and greedy to not share a direct link to their work with you.

So check out Pallas’s guide to Venus Cycles.

These portraits I’m sharing were discovered and shared in my previous letter from Volker Hermes. The artist created a series of works studying the value of the faces from former artists. I find them fitting for Aries season. I find the works to come off as boring to him but with the hope of being heady to his audiences. I think it’s the subjects he chose, and maybe my desire for him to have chosen differently in some occasion. For me, that’s a very Libra eclipsed in Aries feeling projection probably.

If you decide delving into eight years worth of relational reflection is too steep a cliff to fall backwards off of, I’m offering some questions to consider in your journal or with friends instead.

I have only one request for these questions, that you don’t explain to yourself or anyone why.

Who and what do I trust?

What do I protect most?

How do I protect it?

What do I find beautiful?

When I walk into a room do I look for beauty or familiarity first?

Do I go toward it or away from it?

Is MYSELF, ME, I in the answer to any of these questions?

My Aries friend who is maybe more stubborn and determined than me, is making delicious hot sauce that I am debasing by smothering frozen chicken nuggets in it 3x a week. I also put it on fried tofu scrambles, in my spicy curry sauces, and on my favorite eggs in a basket. I’m gonna mail a bottle home to my dad, who will absolutely adore it. Thank you Daniel. Please keep making things spicy.

If you’d like to have your work shared in my upcoming letters, please

fill out this form

or write me an email at hardfeelingsrising@gmail.com

Lastly, I am looking to share an insight or two on natal chart readings over the next series of letters, and I am offering a free reading to anyone who doesn’t mind me sharing snippets in these letters to better illustrate the work I do and how.

If you’d like to receive a free natal chart reading and don’t mind me sharing certain parts of your chart, your life (I don’t need to share your name or anything to give away your identity) along with the techniques I’m writing about, please reach out with the same email address above and put YOUR NAME, FREE READING in the subject.

Thanks for making my 20s whatever the fuck that was,

so I can look ahead with unbridled determination into my 30s.

RIP

🖤