and i can only assume all of us are hurting

and i can only imagine it doesn’t have to be this way

but someone has to go first

extend warmth

but alot of people do not want to be cracked open

they’ll have to learn the hard way

everyone is learning the hard way

some of us will have to give until we die

we are all learning the hard way

i have to shrink it down

can’t look at the big picture too long

i can’t be swallowed by grief

we will self destruct before

the grace of being swallowed by the sun

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i haven’t eaten since breakfast, pardon the depressing poem

i learned how to stay hollow
since i was constantly being filled with other people



they never asked if i could hold what they gave me

my chin trembling

scooping myself up

loosing it all anyway



its embarrassing because you must be able to see that i am drowning

and you still ask for the floaty

and i’ll throw it to you

and I’ll swallow too much water

while u lean on my floaty



its embarrassing because it’s a bad look for you

and i want to protect your image

somehow i will assume responsibility for this pattern

i must not have any self-respect



it’s boring

i’m tired of dying 

and being reborn

damn this will to live

it really cannot be stamped out



it sure does get embarrassing 



find more space

sometimes i would try to love it

my role as a listener

a vessel

caring

it’s only natural to care



it’s easier to stay empty

it’s just better this way

and it’s just for now

one day it’ll change

i think



i hate throwing roses at your feet

they could’ve stayed in my garden 

where i would inspect them with appreciation



but i do this every time

a new season

a new bloom

and i just want to show you



i tell myself it’s ok that you leave them there

wilting on the concrete

but it’s really not 

and i know that



i throw less to you now

but i cant fully stop

it’s just nice to pretend you see me



and you never know

maybe this time will be different

i know it wont

but you never know



sometimes its easier to make myself the enemy

it hurts less

than being disappointed by someone i love

someone i need to survive



i tend to your image in my mind to include moral soundness

do a lot of mental gymnastics

and drawing from reserves of understanding only the oldest trees should have

in order to figure how to it’ll fit in 



i have to love to survive

so i create pretty delusions

i know it’s not real



its ok

that i exist nowhere 

i mean, its really not

but its ok







this one was fun to write, it came out a little conversational. let me know any thoughts :) the content is pretty sad but the process of creation was lighthearted. 

also i feel a lil cringe about the voiceover but i really wanted to read this one, it felt good.

not a home for other people

but a home for myself

i can’t get rid of this compulsion to embody what isn’t mine to feel

i am disgusting holding so much static

and not recognizing myself in the mirror

i wish my body was my own

and it was self serving

molding to do what i need to in a day

bend in a way that is efficient

not in a way that is stiff

because i’m in the shape that makes it

easiest to accept your needs

my bookcase could be cleared to store my own experiences

the pages hold advice that i actually take

it is silent

full of space

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on grief of feeling like my body has been used as a vessel for others

so i know the mission is complete

the next destination will be eternal space

it’s not peace

a word closer to freedom

it will feel

like native grass ducking in the breeze

connected to everything

but not attached

i should prioritize eating ripe summer fruits

cherish her physical form

and seek out waterfalls

while i can

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-sea breeze

silence

and shrinking

on the forest floor

is the only real cure

i’ve ever come across

as just another creature

i’m allowed to be a miracle

like the shadows of leaves

and soft

like the air

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thx for reading,

sea breeze

Running hard
Building stamina over the years
It was never about the speed
But the pride I felt 
In getting faster

Inside the wheel are pictures
Cut carefully
Colorful
Pasted with runny glue
Corners overlapping
Memories carefully curated

One day the grey plastic will split down the middle
And I’ll be running free
This time moving forward
Torn in half and devastated 
I worked so hard
On that mosaic
It was almost comforting

Forward progress
Was the goal
But I don’t have my things with me
So what is the point...
She wanted to come too

Logically it would be unwise to continue carefully curating
An experience that feels warm and joyful or survivable
Knowing that every 8 to 12 years it will collapse again
Which is to say
It would be unwise to continue on living

But how can I say that?

Somewhere there must’ve been a miscalculation 
The only sane solution would be to continue on rebuilding 
Carefully pasting perfect pictures on my wall
Like a FOOL

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hope this hears you,

sea breeze

Scrubbing the day off with gardenia soap and a fresh washcloth
Did I do good enough today?
Jojoba oil on the skin
Trying to be softer
Slow it down
(I) love what I see
So why am I always trying to fix myself
Steam some garlic kale
Fluff a fresh pot of jasmine rice
Let the playful bordering on petty back and forth hang in the kitchen
Where it can sterilize and disappear
While we put up dishes after dinner
Because her warmth is always beckoning
I’m no fool
So, I won't pass up an opportunity to choose closeness 
I'm so easy
For an olive branch

xo,

seabreeze

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it takes time
to grow a version of you
that fits right

the grey sky on the commute this morning
set me back again
on moments that deserve 
embodied reverence

there was more grey sky
and moss
mountains
a breath of morning mist

a beautiful straight jacket
knitted around my arms and legs
unraveling like yarn from a failed project

everyone is doing the best they can
with the knowledge that they have
is what i've concluded
to keep myself from splitting

but i know i had to do better
than the knowledge that i'd been given

rearrange how i was organized inside
find another way to exist

listen to the secrets in the wind

let the morning mist
draw love out of me 

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thank you for reading

mist sprinkles, kissing my face and hair

the air is crisp

it feels nice

and that is enough

moment to moment, we’re choosing between thoughts, channels of the mind, beliefs and judgments. growing up, i used to wish kindness was in fashion. but it always is, a truly timeless piece.

tucking quiet moments away for later

hoarding silence

or perhaps hoarding moments where

there are no expectations

alone

with my things

and my thoughts

soft clothes

and clean hair

a vacuumed room

and free time

these are the things i crave

money can’t buy me

time at home

i can’t afford time at home

i spend all my time away, making money

i will restore every peace of me.

a soul that isn’t burning for challenge, must be distorted by time.

where are the folks who grin when the going gets tough?

i wanna show you i have stamina, dance back coward!

i wanna freak you out with my unassuming tenacity.

i can store all of these waves of energy and information in my core, where it can be recorded and decoded.

doesn’t it make you feel powerful, to feel into the one-ness of a crowd

go ahead, indulge in the feelings of togetherness

even if you have fight alone

i still don't know 
what to do with the anger
of having to rebuild something precious 
(self)
after it was trampled on

doesn't that devastate you? 
isn't it unbearably sad?

one day i learned to feel angry
instead of worthless
and was greeted by
a longggg line of angry woman who came 
before me

they had 
too many babies 
not enough time
too much awareness
not enough help

there are all behind me
stamping their feet
all sharp tongues 
and full breasts

i have the fucking time

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the women who raised me put the fear of God in me

and enough sense to know God couldn’t be a man

love,

seabreeze

inside of me is the tearing pain of every woman
and child
who was a soft place
for the evils of this world
to land

inside of me 
the parts where pleasure should be
is searing pain
damn you for enjoying me

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every time i connect with u
it becomes easier
lighter
softer
less important

breathing in the scent
from sun dried fallen tree
it's red inside
rain soaked soil
smells healthy

what else is there
the wind touches me
in ways i want

all over let me be part of you
its easy to smile here
patches of lichen
ants crawl out of holes in your bark
that appear as my eyes focus in

i'm sorry about
how my eyes keep going fuzzy
it's not you it's me

there's so much to see
ferns
trunks sprawling
hugging the ground

i think there's something wrong with me
why is my mind so exhausting
i have to try harder to fix it

light plays in the breeze
patterns 
gentle sensation

a single iris blooms
a wild
flower
a timeless miracle 

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thank you for reading,
sea breeze

I am quite literally sick and tired. I have a cold and I am probably sick because I am overworked, exhausted and stressed most of the time. Here are some small things I do to live with being constantly exhausted. (Just quickly want to acknowledge that pretty much my only responsibility is myself- I don’t have kids or elders I care for).

1. Walking slower, especially up stairs. If you get lightheaded easily this one is underrated. Stand up slower. Bring your body with you to your actions. Sometimes I will literally internally announce to my body what is about to happen, ex: “I am going to stand up and walk to the kitchen”. When I have to speed walk to something (especially something I might not want to be doing) like work, it can really spike my stress. Which leads me to my next point

2. Giving myself extra time to do things. I hate being late to stuff. It stresses me out. If it takes me 20 mins to walk to my car, drive to work, park and get clocked in, I like to give myself an extra 10 minutes. These extra ten minutes give me buffer room if things go wrong; unexpected traffic or car troubles, forgetting something, etc. It also gives me choice and a slower pace; I can dissociate in the car for a couple minutes, finish the song I’m listening to, walk to work slowly, notice my surroundings, stop at the market next door for a fun beverage or snack… And I’m always on time, without rushing. Giving myself extra time also applies to getting ready.

3. Sensory rest. Lowering the volume of my music, turning off the big lights and turning on the fairy lights, turning the hot water down just a little when I start overheating in the shower, asking my partner to speak softer/touch gentler when I’m overstimulated, putting on comfy clothes when I’m home, keeping warm.

4. On days off and I have a million things to get done at home, I try to start with taking care of MYSELF before the inanimate objects in my home. Brushing my teeth, washing my face and eating something, even something small before I go into a cleaning flow usually prevents a burnout/meltdown during the day. It is not as fun to finish deep cleaning my home but my day old breath is bothering me and my skin feels dry.

5. To Done lists. I’m historically overambitious with to do lists and goal setting. Instead I write To Done lists. I already know what needs to be done, because alarms are likely going off in my head about it at all times. So when I do it, I write it down and check it off my To-Done list. At the end of the day, I look at it and bring compassion for my efforts into the moment.

6. Bring your exhaustion with you. I have to go to work, and I’m usually tired when I do. I bring my exhaustion with me, I acknowledge it is there, I do not hate it for being there. When there are fun things I want to do and I’m so tired, I bring my exhaustion with me to the concert, the farmers market, the date, the hangout. It’s ok. All of me is welcome in my own body, in my own experience. I still have fun, I’m still happy to be there, and being compassionate towards myself and real about my energy levels allows me to still enjoy. It’s not ideal, it’s kind of depressing to be in a constant state of depletion, but the mental reframe and acceptance makes the experience entirely different.

7. EATING. Please, eat. Eat often. It quite literally will give you energy. Sometimes it is a chore. Sometimes it is the best part of my day. It still needs to happen. Enough said.

8. Call off work. If you are approaching burn out, or already there, try to work less. I know there’s a million and one reasons why this is easier said than done, but if you can afford to, and can figure out how, take a day off. And trust me, I can’t really “afford” to take any time off work. But being overworked and underpaid is such an assault to the spirit that some days the hundred something dollars lost is well worth the 8 hours of rest/free time gained.

9. Treat yourself. I like sweet treats… a coffee… clothes… trinkets… beauty products… idk whatever feels like a little treat for you :)

10. Be real about what actually recharges you. Listen to what you need at that moment. Some days a hangout with a friend recharges me. Some days deep talks with my partner recharges me. Some days rotting in bed all day is essential. A lot of the time being alone and in my home is the medicine I need urgently. Sometimes you need to talk shit for an hour straight. Don’t underestimate the power of giving too. Sometimes volunteering, cooking a meal for a loved one or making someone a gift is very life giving, and it’ll go a long way for the recipients mood and energy levels too <3

11. Prioritize tasks when you are seriously rationing your energy. What is most urgent? Do you need to cook? Is the doom pile in the corner of your room bothering you more than you’re admitting? Have you been putting off getting groceries for too long? Need to gas up your car? Out of clean socks? Is your greasy hair making you feel uncomfortable? Just pick one thing.

12. Ask for help. It can be scary or uncomfortable at first. But you might be surprised at who is willing and even happy to support you. It’ll likely open up a line of communication that allows them to feel comfortable to reach out to you when they need help too- so win win. For emotional support you can simply ask someone if it’s ok if you vent to them/confide in them and ask for advice/just listen to something that’s bothering you.

13. Some very practical ones: get sunshine, drink water, eat, move your body, face to face connection with people, taking care of yourself requires EFFORT. Feeling good requires EFFORT. Sometimes you’ll have to go into energetic debt to start building up your stores again.

14. Don’t be too hard on yourself. There are so many oppressive (and fake) measures of success to compare yourself to. But I try to remind myself that if by the end of the day I ate a couple decent meals, made it home safely and didn’t eat any babies, I’m doing pretty damn good ;) Like… you could be way worse of a person.

Hope this helps

xx

Seabreeze

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please comment ways you cope with fatigue, asking for a friend

i like to be ruined

privately

in the confines of my inner world

finishing a book

after being sucked in

wolfing down the words

paragraphs at a time

swallowing the meaning in big gulps

tasting the details

relived of my own tiresome mind

being tossed by waves in the ocean

i know the she could ruin me

but i like it

being thrown around for awhile

there’s real peace in knowing i can’t fight it

just breath out slowly while it passes

when i do find my footing

which i always do

after the wave passes

my sinuses are clear

i feel beautiful

the glory of the sea is extended to me for a moment

you were the first person

who ever saw me

like i was colored in

i’ve always been vibrant

i hate everyone who convinced me i was grey

you listened until i was blue in the face

and remembered everything

i wasted precious breath telling you

all about the injustices

the security

didn’t even last long enough for my body

to understand

that utopia was a vapor

memories i still never revisit

because you ruined me

like i knew you would

i floated through the months

stranded at sea

the months passed tediously

tucking myself in at 7pm

in vain attempts to escape

there was no sleep

only a fitful in between

i faded away rapidly

it terrified me to see that

it probably looked like nothing really changed

i still tried to be happy

went through the motions

but i was lifeless

tears were constant

the only thing that could cheer me

where delusions of you coming back

loving me again

telling me it was all just a bad dream

eventually you did

i knew you would

because nothing else made sense

i knew what it was to be loved by you

you proved that i was real and colorful

and i just couldn’t go back to being grey

what kind of cruel trick by the universe

would that have been

to tease me with real love

i don’t believe

in a cosmic order which plays games

with peoples will to live

love,

sea breeze

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there was a time when 
wind could blow away every unhelpful thought

i sometimes feel bad for nature
like a bedridden grandparent 
i don't visit often enough

there’s always something more pressing
and where there's not, there's always exhaustion
the sky will be there tomorrow 

and like a grandparent 
i’m always welcomed with open arms

the loneliness that should be palpable is nowhere to be found
there is only endless love

love,
seabreeze

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You will feel perfect again
Ten years from now
No time has passed because
This equanimity only exists here 
A tesseract
Apparently I’m unbothered by the years of strife and tension
Those dramas do not tear at the edges of my consciousness now
I am deeply settled

It’s exciting
No 
It’s a miracle
I want you to feel happy to
Warning bells ring
I always give pieces of me away too soon
Before the seed can take root and sprout 
Compulsively giving my first harvest to every one within 
A heatwaves radius

I’m really bad at unlearning this
It may look like I’m stupid 
If u look at the patterns
On paper

Giving the most precious pieces of me
A new discovery
A craft I devoted precious moments of nervous system regulation to
Attention, ears, space, advice
I am good at spinning u into something you’d like to see
In the mirror

It’s stunning
How consistently 
I’ve been flattened

I don’t want (to)
Know
How to stop
it’s punishing
To give love freely

Maybe if 
The void falls in love with me
I can keep giving of myself endlessly 

There’s a void in me too
Filled with all the words 
Damp ears never wanted 

So many people speak just for the hell of it
I cared
Until it murdered me
Every last one of you
My breath goes deep
Seek higher ground
A tsunami is forecasted to flow out of me

if u like these soft angsty vibes this is one of my favorite artists from the last couple years who definitely embodies this energy, give ivri a listen <3

i have been having so much fun experimenting with these types of poems and i am so grateful for the growing community! hoping this poem connected with u... i'd like to know, have you ever felt this way too?

love,
sea breeze

p.s.
does anyone know where the tesseract reference is from? :)

i love poetry that doesn't make sense
a line or two away from what u meant
several seconds into how it makes me feel

with art u can create a life that lives
on it's own
past you

into another's world
everyone is a universe
more complex than i can comprehend

do u know how big a universe is?
but do you really understand what that means?
i do not, out of respect

there are more people than i can imagine
each of them different
and the same

in that we need 
eachother
and want a place 
in your life

hold me to sleep
or the feelings of 
depth will eat me alive

when do we get to stop pretending that we need each other
fuck it i'm doing it now
i need warmth and comfort and someone to listen

the sterility is killing us
smiles and manners and not too much about my personal life
cause no one wants to deal with that, right?

your truth is the food i live on
and it can hurt
that's better than being the only person alive

i'd rather be killed with your honesty 
than holed up alive but sallow
starved by empty niceties 

love,

seabreeze

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