Got off the monthly group call with the girls again. As usual I made the most jokes, I laughed at everything, I asked everyone what was going on in their lives so they don’t notice much about me. I couldn’t even focus to listen to their response.

“Omg, I miss you guys so much, we should plan something”

I know if we did plan something I wouldn’t show up. I’d give an excuse on why I couldn’t make it and probably offer to cover the hotel bill for a day or get them lunch from some fast food.

You’re performing again.

“Omg, I’m so happy you called. It’s been forever, what have you been up to? Lives been great, never felt better”

I literally can’t wait to get off this call so I don’t have to keep up with this high pitch voice. This is not a sob story.

I see the pattern, I know it very well. I make a million plans and when it’s time to follow through I disappear. Them; “you’re so flaky”, so I go out and pretend I’m fine, nobody feels real, it’s like I’m in a simulation. I have pre planned responses to every question possible, so I can talk for hours and you wouldn’t notice I’m disassociating.

Them;”you’re so easy to talk to”

Smile, it’s friendly. You do have kind eyes.

“I’m so happy for you, you’ve been applying jobs and you got one”.

I laugh cause I’ll leave in the next two weeks, I only applied because I could. I can’t pretend to care for a job i never wanted in the first place.

I know this pattern and it’s driving me insane. I perform so you don’t worry, I perform cause your idea of help is “ you should see your doctor again. Maybe get back on your meds. I prayed for you, do you want to come to church with me?”.

I perform so when it’s too late you can say “she was such a happy person idk what happened”.

This is not a sob story.

I love my girls, but I’m really tired of performing.

But if I “just be”…