For the longest time, I’ve said I want to go to Egypt because I’m fascinated with the pyramids.

I’ll add Italy too; my first cousins on my dad’s side are Italian, so I’ve had a taste of the culture growing up.

Traveling and experiencing the world is great, but I don’t have many places on my bucket list. Maybe Bali? It seems spiritual there. They have a ton of temples.

-SMP

There are a few, but obviously one that sticks out is being invited to the White House.

It never crossed my mind that I would be considered for such an opportunity. Not only did I get invited, I got paid too! Just to show up? How lit is that??

I was invited during National Foster Care Awareness Month, which is May.

It’s still my greatest achievement—idc. Seeing where I came from, that opportunity gave me hope. Shoutout to TOU; I’m forever grateful.

Now my hair frizzed up this day, and I was HEATED! Imagine having a bad hair day going to an event like that? That was definitely an “I hate my hair moment”.

But I told myself if Diana Ross can rock frizzy hair, so can I. That’s why the photo cropped, though.

The wrap dress was given to me(I have it in red too). The pearl necklace was a gift from the same person—she was in Thailand, knew I went to a lot of events, and picked it up for me. The heels I got from Burlington back when I worked there. They’re my special heels now.

People like to dress me up, and I allow them to. Most of my clothes were gifted to me. I’m blessed.

-SMP

Loneliness is a lifestyle forced upon me
As I try to rebuild my life/self slowly
Solitude is possible due to conditioning myself
But as I heal those walls fall 
The ice around my heart thaws
What’s uncovered are flaws and desires
Realizing this way was a defense mechanism—a switch
To me it felt like a glitch
I kept malfunctioning in every environment
Hurt people hurt people—I caused some pain along the way
I’ve had to repent
I’ve had to forgive 
Myself and others 
Pushing people away because connection felt like being smothered
Feeling like you're suffocating me with your presence 
So I fight back 
I attack
My solitude is strong but my heart is empty and heavy
The more I thaw the more I yearn
To be held while I release the sorrow in my heart—safely
Gently
Because the truth is I don’t want to be strong anymore 
It’s exhausting and taxing
My heart and spirit want to explore
Life has been a roller coaster for me 
Now I’m seeking peace and stability
Truthfully 
I wish I had an ounce of the pride others have for me
I wish I shared their confidence that I’ll make it 
Just by a conversation or action
But I’m like a butterfly 
I can’t see my wings
Trying to believe the affirmations others have spoken over me
Hopefully one day those seeds will bloom
-SMP🦋

So I went to service this past Saturday, and it was amazing! I’m so glad I went. It was the best time. I had so much fun that I lost my headphones and didn’t even realize.

Morning service had a special guest, since Father’s Day recently passed, his word was for men. It was called strong enough to break. He talked about how men make strength their identity because that’s what they’re programmed to do. Being told to “man up” or “take it like a man,” etc.

To be honest, a lot of the things he spoke about could be applied to anyone. I believe he said, “It’s not wrong to be strong, but it’s time to stop carrying it alone.” He then challenged all the men to come up and to tell another man something that’s been weighing on them, and then pray for them.

I thought that was a powerful moment. Especially for black men. Vulnerability like that is not common.

He also talked about the company you keep. Are they holding you accountable? Are they lifting you up? Are they helping you fulfill your purpose? He used this metaphor using the movie The Forge. He talked about blacksmiths and how it takes consistency and work to transform something. You have to be forged in order to transform. I also thought that was great. Have people around you who will help forge you, not enable you.

After morning service, I was invited to go out to lunch with the group, so I did. We had Indian food, which is my favorite, so that was a treat. Also, being at the table with people around my age was nice and a change. Almost all of the people in my life are older than me, which is fine, but it has pros and cons.

Pro- if I need advice or wisdom, there’s a shit ton of people I can ask. Con- if I want to hang out or just talk, nott so many people I can ask lol. Another con is that some people will dress up regret as advice. In the past, I’ve had this happen to me a lot. I cut those people off, but that’s why you really have to listen and discern: Is this advice coming from a place of wisdom or a wound?

Anyway, back to the story. After lunch, the pastor’s daughter and I took me back to her place, and we chilled until night worship. I really surprised myself yesterday.

I went to rehearsal and watched the choir practice. The music was lit, I was doing a little one two step, ya know? They’re looking for new members. Now, I told B if the pastor can train my voice or “forge” them, I’m down for the cause.

I’m in my Snoop Dog era, I’m just doing anything.

Alright, I’m not going to lie: after the third song, I was feeling like Dre from Black-ish during the Black Church episode. I was struggling a bit.

The tendonitis in my right arm flared up and spread to my upper back and wrist. It’s an annoying pain. I should’ve brought my Tiger Balm.

I had to do some light yoga to get through. Once I sleep, it goes away, but sitting for too long or lifting heavy things can cause a flare-up. Even traveling sometimes. Really, it comes from bad posture for me. My old doctor told me I’m always hunched over, so that’s most likely pinching nerves. I’ve tried to be better, but it’s a work in progress, haha…

I did some light makeup because I genuinely thought I wasn’t going to cry. Whenever I’m in new social settings, I immediately dissociate. However, the second-to-last song brought me to tearss. It was like a fountain; I could not stop crying. I asked the woman sitting next to me if I messed up my makeup. She said it was fine, and my eyeliner was still on point. She also affirmed that it’s okay if I did.

This is a picture of when I got back. Y’all, the Colourpop pretty fresh lock it in setting spray is going to do it every time!🤌🏾 Get on it. Makeup ain’t moving!!

Before I left, I went up to the special guest and thanked him for his service and shook his hand. His response was, “Oh, thank you, you’re so formal” 😅😅

My response was “Well, that’s better than rigid, which is what I usually get”

I’m really not stuck up, I’m awkward! It’s the social anxiety. Anybody who has met me in person knows how awkward I am. It’s like I don’t know what to do with myself, and truthfully, I don’t. I’m very shy and reserved.

Eye contact is a no for me, which is why I look down or to the side or at something like that vase with the flowers.

This has offended people in the past. One staff wore glasses, which made her eyes bigger, and every time we would talk, I would avoid looking at her(like I do everyone else). She questioned me about it one time and asked if it was because of her eyes, and I explained to her that I’m just awkward. It’s not you, it’s me type shit.

I had an ex who constantly challenged me to look him in the eye. I couldn’t y’all(I think I got to 1 min and looked away😭). This caused an argument because he thought I wasn’t into him. I understood where he was coming from, but it had nothing to do with him tbh.

I challenge myself here and there to look people in the eye, but it causes my heart to beat fast, a lump in my throat, and my skin to crawl. It makes me soo uncomfortable.

That’s why I can’t stand when people stare at me. I try to meet their gaze for a couple of seconds, then look away and hope they take the hint telepathically to STOP(they don’t lol). So I just pretend it’s not happening, which also can offend people😭😭. I’m working on it…

All in all, I will be going back from here on out. I was happy there.

I received more hugs that day than in the past year combined, which was also a treat. I really enjoyed it and can’t wait for the next service.

-SMP🛐

For one, I’m not religious; I identify as spiritual, and it’s for that exact reason. Growing up, my dad was religious, but my mom was an atheist. Not sure if that’s still true now, but it was interesting.

To me, spirituality or religion is a deeply personal relationship with a higher power. I consider myself a church snob. Certain things will turn me off to a church instantly. Gossiping, misleading teachings of God, fighting, or shaming. That’s an automatic no for me, which eliminates a lot of churches lol. I’m extremely picky when it comes to that.

I’m trying a new church this weekend that I’ve heard really good things about. I enjoy church service. I need the word to keep me going. Nothing screams weirdo to me more than someone who weaponizes their faith. It’s not a weapon. It’s disgusting, and eight out of ten times, those people carry the most dirt.

I like to share my testimony, who knows who it might inspire. I’ve been inspired by others’ testimonies many times. Especially in group homes, meeting all walks of life. To be honest, some of those stories still keep me up at night. Those youth are warriors. I wish all of them the best because they’ve been through the worst.

Faith is all I have left now, so I must maintain that relationship. God has carried me through many seasons, and I’m thankful.

Losing everything and starting over is a lot of pressure. Sometimes I get really sad thinking I’ve failed. As a daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend, as a person, etc. I couldn’t maintain a lot of things. Couldn’t protect my siblings, then got thrown away by family, and am currently trying to rebuild my life/identity. I need some directions, though! This shit is hard, and I’m a bit lost.

Who am I after losing everything that meant everything to me? Who will I become?

-SMP🙏🏾

First off, a moment for the skin! That’s a win; my skin used to be horrible. Used to get cystic acne on my neck. It was gross—One clinician told me it looked painful lol. I’ve always had trouble with skincare, but now I’m clear and glowing✨. For the first time in my life. I don’t have less stress in my life, but I’m learning to stress less. Guess it shows.

Stress is really the enemy. Yet we live in a world full of it. The irony.

Ok, this might be an unpopular opinion, but the obsession with zodiac signs is weird. I understand that there’s some truth to the signs.

Certain things they say about signs are true, but not everything. There was a guy who stopped talking to me once he found out I was a Libra. That still makes me laugh till this day because…wtf? It’s not that deep.

My full chart, which I learned last year, is a Libra sun (air sign), Capricorn moon (earth sign), and Aries rising (fire sign).

The person who taught me this said it was an "interesting mix" because of the different elements.

She starts going off in deep detail about each element. Chile, by the time she was finished with air signs, I was checked out. Full on dissociation. Anyway, I don’t see the hype.

-SMP

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This actually wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. A lot of attention to detail, but pretty straightforward. I don’t have all the colors she does. I rotate the same eyeshadow palettes, so I used what I had. I mainly used the Jaclyn Hill Volume 2 palette. Usually, my makeup looks are rigid; I stick to what I know works. This look challenged me to get creative and have fun, which is what makeup is about. This is a slight remix. I like to inject my own style into things, so it’s not a replica. I love how the yellow in the inner corner of my eye turned red when I blended it into the purple. It’s giving 🐦‍🔥.

First of all, the woman who created this is extremely skilled(she for sure slayed that look!). I watch her videos for tips. I did my best.

Funny side story, I cleaned my makeup brushes last night, and they were taking the longest to dry. I used my blow dryer to speed up the process. One of my brushes was being stubborn, so I cranked up the heat. I burned the bristles LMAO. And not no cheap brush either, it was from Sephora collection. It was a powder brush, so truthfully, I don’t care. I just thought it was funny.

Something not so funny is I knocked over my highlighter, and it broke😭😭. Y’all know that’s my favorite highlighter. I was heated, but if the whole thing fell out, I would still use it. I will literally scrape the product out if I have to. Idgaf. I’m never going to stop using it.

My face looks like a piece of art. Sometimes it’s good to go outside my comfort zone every once in a while.

Anyway, what y’all rate this? How’d I do??

-SMP

Intense yoga, extreme temperatures, or the heart-wrenching feeling that wells up from time to time. I embrace those moments because they’re a sign of my humanity peaking through, anchoring me back to reality. These moments are brief, fleeting if you will. The numbness comes back and blocks out the pain again.

Like the other day, I ate a slice of pizza, but didn’t realize how hot it was until the top of my mouth was swollen for days. It still stings a bit now. The pizza was searing hot, but it felt normal to me. I barely felt the pain as I ate; the stinging was faint.

Some might think this is a superpower, but it’s a complete dismantling of what it means to be human. It’s eerie and unsettling. I did yoga poses I’ve never done before, challenging my body’s boundaries. I felt nothing. I feel more of myself vanish every day. It’s like a car on autopilot headed for a crash. All I can do is look and brace myself for impact.

-SMP🎭

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These are the recent scratches. Scratching myself in my sleep is something that happens when I’m really stressed. It first happened 6 years ago, I found a scratch on my hand that scarred. You can still see it. That’s how deep it is.

It makes sense that it’s back now, considering everything. The behavior has escalated, though. First it was my hands, then my chest, and now my legs. Honestly would prefer my usual night terrors over this.

I recently learned this is called SRDD. Apparently, when the brain is in a high stress state(like level 5 dissociation, which I’ve been in for over a month now), it goes into the freeze response during the day. That doesn’t end at night, since I’ve been disconnected from physical sensations(analgesia-numbing), the body can perform complex behaviors like deep scratching without the pain alarm waking me up. That’s why I’m finding these injuries randomly, like a map of war I slept through. It’s also why this only happens when I’m very stressed.

Dissociation is wild. It blocks my emotions, disconnects me from my body, dulls my senses, disintegrates my memory over time(amnesia), fucks with my perception of time, now sleep. Like damn, man. Full system shutdown. This is the worst it’s ever been in my life, and I truly don’t know how to bring myself out. I’m trying to deal with it. I just keep learning about this fucking condition.

Doctors are not much help with this because it’s a phenomenon. Hard to explain and not much research. I need to see a sleep specialist fr. Most doctors tell me to center myself and connect with my heart. Lmao. How am I supposed to connect with my heart when I can’t even feel my body? I am quite literally floating outside of myself. I look down at my arms and don’t even recognize them. Hours feel like seconds with little or no recollection of events. It’s so weird.

I’m trying to reclaim myself through grounding techniques(cold showers, weighted blankets, etc.), but it ain’t really working. My brain is checked out and stuck in a survival response that won’t reset. I generally keep my nails short, but I’m going to have to keep all my nails as nubs. I don’t want any more scarss😭, I have enough!

Prazosin has been helping. It chills me out and keeps the internal volume down. Documenting this for my own records. I may forget this moment soon.

-SMP

Oh man. I have a crazyy story time. If this doesn’t give you hope, I don’t know what will. Okay, so boom yesterday, 5-11, I was for sure on the verge of giving up. Tore up my apartment, hurt myself while doing that(didn’t even realize it), and crashed out. I took a prazosin to calm myself down. Once it kicked in, I was under my weighted blanket, thinking about life. Silence. Stillness.

All of a sudden, I hear this scratching noise. I look around, and it’s this old calendar that I found in storage. It was folded in half(remember that). On everything I love, I looked down and saw the calendar unfolding BY ITSELF slowly. I tried to record, but you really can’t see it unless your eyes are glued to the screen. There were no windows open, no fans, nothing.

I know it wasn’t a bad spirit because I didn’t feel fear; I was actually drawn in. I’m not into the paranormal, I don’t play those games, so this moment was startling but not scary. Nothing like that has happened to me before.

I just stared at it until it stopped moving. The calendar’s theme is mountains. I opened it up and tried to decipher the message in the picture above. I guessed a couple of times, and then it came to me. Clear as day:

“I did not assign you to this mountain if I didn’t believe you could move it.”

I journaled about it because I needed to remember this moment. It was powerful. It inspired me to write this poem. Thank you, God, for the words.🙏🏾

When days are dark, God is there
He will pull me up from the depths of my despair
In a moment of doubt and contemplation 
He provided spiritual confirmation
That message was for me
It's a part of my story
God says, be patient, you will have glory
My voice was heard in real time
His presence in my life is something I can't deny
That moment was certainly inspirational
His love never wavers-truly unconditional
I said nothing is left for me, but that's not the case
Everything could leave me, but I'll always have my faith
The scripture today says spread his gospel, so that's what I'll do
As he's working in me to renew
A partnership, collaboration, or spiritual connection
I must divorce myself from the expectation of perfection
Which leads my spirit into descension
There's no need to worry or fear because
one thing has been made abundantly clear-God is here.

That experience was remarkable. I’ve been replaying it over and over. Message received loud and clear. I’m back!

-SMP

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I was 7 and visiting my dad. I didn’t know you couldn’t put metal in the microwave, but I wanted to warm up my pancakes. I put my plate in there with the fork. I was standing there waiting, and thank God my dad came to the kitchen. His point of view was that he walked in and saw me standing there, and the microwave was about to blow up(that could be an exaggeration, but that’s his word. I don’t remember every detail of this moment). He quickly moved me out of the way and opened it.

I stepped back, scared and confused. He got so mad, he turned around and backhanded me into the chair(it was dark brown and leather). My dad is a very buff man; he has muscles on top of his muscles. When I looked up, he was holding a glass over me(those Coca-Cola glasses. They’re slim at the bottom and circular at the end).

I just ran. Honestly, my body moved by itself. My “mom” said she thought I was going to play outside, but I actually ran away. I ran past her out the door, no shoes, and just kept running. I ran for a while, too. The sun was setting, and the police didn’t find me till it was dark. I ran to my elementary school park and sat on the swings. My body was trembling for a while. I don’t remember what happened after that. It’s blank.

He told me later he was so angry because it was a brand-new microwave. I realize now that’s where my “fatalistic view of flaws”(How someone described me) comes from: the belief that one small error could cause the people I love to explode.

After my dad came back into my life, as a teenager, he teased me about it all the time. “When it comes to fight or flight, you will run”, and he laughs. He said I remind him of the bunny cop from Zootopia.

I mean, it was an awful experience for me, but I understand the origin of my dad’s response. He lost someone very important to him when he was in the military. I feel like that’s why he’s so possessive of his women. (If I keep them all in one place, nothing bad will happen again.) It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism. Control comes from fear.

When I reflect on it now, seeing me in front of a microwave that’s about to blow up probably scared him shitless and brought back all those memories. I’m not justifying his behavior; I just understand the root of it. If someone keeps talking about something, obviously, it’s significant to them. I learned a lot about him just by listening.

It’s funny: he may still think of me as the girl who runs. But these days? I exhibit the freeze response. Dissociation is a quiet, internal mind freeze. It’s interesting how survival evolves. I wonder how my dad is doing. He’s not in my life anymore, but I hope he’s okay and found peace.💭

-SMP🎭

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I feel the pressure to open up.

To reach into the depths of my heart and offer a piece of myself.

But when it’s my turn, the lump in my throat and racing heartbeat prevent me.

What’s next is blank stares or maybe a couple of glares.

How could I not share?

Vulnerability does not come easily to me.

When it does, it’s eventually weaponized.

Whether it’s my mental health, age, race, or status in life.

My behavior gets pathologized.

My words, twisted into destructive narratives and labels.

How do you claim to care about me but perpetuate the same harm I told you about in confidence?

Just in a different form or manner, but the impact is the same.

Pain is pain.

But I have officially entered the unapologetic phase of my life.

I am reclaiming my power.

I am taking up space.

I am evolving.

I am changing.

My boundaries are stronger than my feelings.

Nostalgia is no longer anyone’s shield with me.

It’s baseball over here.

Three strikes and you’re what? OUT.

-SMP

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Since I’m a writer who documents the human condition(I like that rephrase, so I’m running with it), I’m doubling up to close out this month. Double topic, surprise!🥳

I was going to make these topics two separate posts, butt I’ve decided to make it one long post instead. Since my title from the last post includes fasting, let’s begin with that. I’m currently on a 48hr water fast. My stomach is growling so loud right now. I have headphones in to ignore it while I type. Fasting is something I felt called to do last year. I kept seeing it everywhere, so I decided to take the plunge. Really wish I knew about it sooner, honestly. I loved it so much, I committed to fasting once a month since then(almost been a year now). Starting with 24hrs then increasing my tolerance. The longest I’ve gone was 2.5 days, which was last summer. Very difficult. I want to complete 3 days, but they say it can be dangerous because it’s considered severe starvation of the body. You have to be very careful about how you reintroduce food to your system. I will complete 3 days. Fasting is not pretty, but very beneficial. It’s painful, requires serious discipline, deeply personal, and hard tbh! I don’t do it the same time every month, just whenever I feel like I need a reset or get tired of eating.

This month, I’m doing it to get closer to God and hear him better. I’ve been in prayer more lately, trying to get to 3 times a day. Another reason is that I wanted more discipline. I feel renewed every time I complete a fast. The first day is the hardest, in my opinion, after that it’s smooth sailing. One of the best things to me about the fast is the second day, my mind has never been so clear or sharp. I’m looking forward to that tomorrow, which by the time this is posted will be today. It’s painful, but I kinda enjoy it? I know how strong I’m going to feel after, so I push past it. My spirit is stronger than my flesh. I can resist it.

Speaking of gains…I was in deep self-reflection, and I had a revelation about my life. It’s so crazy how the things I went through when I was younger have become the guidebook for my current dilemmas. Very full circle. I’m handling this way better than old me would’ve. Making better choices and doing it differently this time. It feels like reactivated wisdom and deja vu at the same time. Idk. Anyway, moving on to topic number two. Depersonalization(not explaining that again, Google it).

Okay, I’ve been dissociating a lot! How is it already the end of the month? I barely remember. It’s a huge blank—dissociative amnesia. There are times when I’ll look, and it will say 7:36 or whatever. I’ll look back again, and an hour or more has gone by. At first, I almost don’t believe it, like huh?? how? I don’t even feel it. (It’s what I imagine time travel feels like). Confusing. The way it messes with my senses is most annoying. I’m not sure exactly what triggered this escalation of symptoms…It’s hard to track because it’s automatic, like a protective switch. My inner thoughts are like, “Hello mind, we are safe, so chillax OKAY?!!”

Ugh, I wish there were more research on this! Bringing myself back down(trying to stop feeling like I’m floating outside of my body) takes so much time and effort. I just don’t have it right now, so I’m going to embrace it and use it to be a productive machine. I can’t control it, only manage it. It’s kind of ironic, a control freak with a medical condition she can’t control. haha… This is my proof of time. I’m documenting it.

Happy May, I must say I’m ready for a new day!

-SMP

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Social media. Recently, I deleted most of my accounts. The only ones kept are FB(I only post once a year, if that) and this. All the rest? Gone. Eventually, I’ll delete all of my accounts. I’ve really wanted to do it over the past few years, but I’ve also wanted to stay connected. This year? I don’t give a fuck. I don’t care to stay in the loop with anybody. I’m tired of social media. I probably won’t make another. I don’t like to say never because I learned my lesson with that. I think I’m done with it, though.

I don’t know, I kind of understand more why my dad did this. Going off the grid. I’m not at his level, though; he would cut his phone off. I get it, though. I really do. It feels good.

I remember when social media really got popping. It’s nothing like today. For now, I’ll continue posting here until I feel it’s time.

-SMP

This year, I challenged myself to be more intentional with my fashion. Anybody who’s known me for a long time knows I used to always wear black. Day ones remember my gothic and heavy metal phase lol. When you think about the psychology of fashion and why we’re attracted to certain colors, you can tell a lot about a person. It makes sense that I used to wear all black. It reflected my state of mind. Dark.

I’m glad I grew out of the tomboy phase. Recently, I was blessed with colorful clothes that have patterns. The blouses are beautiful, but I felt overwhelmed by it all at first. Now? I love colors, patterns, and mixing them. It’s fun. The thought of wearing an all-black outfit kind of gives me the creeps now. Fashion is expression, and I’m enjoying it.

I really don’t remember where I got this shirt from, but it’s stunning. Feminine and commanding. The cardigan was an idea I had a few days ago, and the pairing is chef’s kiss. The texture and pattern complement the shirt so well. It adds edge, but not enough to overwhelm the look. Red is a color I’ve been attracted to lately. I think it symbolizes my anger and the emotional charge I have right now. It’s been therapeutic to express that through pieces and patterns. A trumpet skirt to mimic the ruffles in the shirt. Dark cherry heels would’ve been more aesthetically pleasing than these black velvet ones. They work, though, so I’m not complaining. If I wanted to elevate this look, I could add sheer black stockings. The affirmations I’m bringing into this week are that I am creative. I am capable. I am articulate. I have power. I got this.

My self-esteem is usually low, but a fly outfit and some makeup boost it. It’s not just about looking my best but feeling it too. I want to try dopamine dressing. Wearing colors that make you feel better, like blues and yellows.

-SMP

OKAY, let’s get into this beat(days ago) because what?? This look took me two hours, and it’s beautiful. I can’t believe I made this.

This is what I was talking about, getting back into things I used to enjoy. Makeup is definitely one of them. I’m going to give all the tea and drop the deets.

Hair: When a depressive episode hits, my hair suffers terribly. Having an afro and type 4 hair, neglecting it is a no-go. I had to wash and braid it up. This wig is old. I revived and tweaked it. I got this on one of my birthdays from the house manager of the second group home(they always went all out on holidays and birthdays because they felt bad I was always on the unit). Maybe I was too young to really appreciate it? Back then, I went on a date and put it away. It really got no use. Colorful wigs were my thing back then. It was too long, so I cut some layers, and I like it much better. The two-tone is fun. I’m feeling it out.

Makeup: I had no plan of making this, but I’m so proud of it. Doing your makeup is an art. I’m not a high-end girly when it comes to makeup. Paying $20 or more for a colored pencil called lip liner is crazy. Just get a pointed brush and liquid lipstick and call it a day(what I used to do before I bought lip liners-still do sometimes). I wanted something simple and ended up full glam. Oh well. The eye look has four layers of colors. If I’m going to do a colorful eye look, I like to start with a white base. It helps the colors pop.

Unfortunately, the dark green shade in my crease you really can’t see. In person you can, not so much in the picture. Once you blend, it becomes very sheer, which sucks, but also pretty? The middle is a copper color with shimmer in it. Bottom(waterline) is this beautiful deep red color called sienna. Ugh, I live for that shade. Dramatic and sharp eyeliner, of course. Mascara and inner corner highlight(that shimmery icy shade you see). Gold would’ve worked too, but my highlighter is gold, so I chose something different. The face really doesn’t have much. I tried this essence glow filter skin booster thing(I feel like it’s similar to the E.L.F. Halo Glow Skin Enhancer. I hated that product it made me look so bronze-I like their other products.) Anyway, it’s basically a skin tint. I was scared to use it because my skin tone is still winter even though we’re in spring. I’m pale right now. It looked more like a summer shade for me. Y’all, this is a tan without the sun rays! It’s so tea. I went from peanut butter to a chocolate drop. I think next time I’ll use a beauty sponge, it might apply better(a brush provides more coverage but doesn’t give that seamless look).

My favorite blush is electric peony(vibrant pink color). I applied this under the skin tint today just to be different. It’s cute for this look. I go crazy with blush. Idk it makes me look more alive. Liquid contour and powder to snatch my jawline. Lancome highlighter(No I did not buy it, got it for Christmas one year). That highlighter gives me life. I feel like my value goes up when it’s on. Don’t even use my Anastasia anymore. There’s a big dent in it, that’s how much it’s been used. No sheer highlighter for me. My highlighter always has to shine brighter than my future, period. The lip combo took courage(literally). I wanted a berry lip combo to complement the blue in my shirt. Now, the lip liner I decided to use had more pink and red in it than purple, so that caused a challenge. I tried to tone it down with a dark brown lip liner, and that helped a little. It created a dark lip, kinda like a vampire vibe? I ended up wanting to make an ombre effect, so I grabbed this nude lipstick(shade is called courage). I put that in the middle and blended it out; that saved the look. I popped a gloss over it and set my face.

This is called a new me activity(can you tell I’ve been in a lot of clinical settings?). I did feel brand new.

-SMP

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In some ways, I’m thankful for this state. I may have to interview with another investigator today(that makes 3 or 4 this week). I am the key witness in this case, so I can’t afford to be emotional or irrational. I have to remain collected and precise. Level 5 helps with that; I can be a machine on autopilot without the feelings involved. It’s extraordinary, really. This is survival.

On the other hand, it’s dangerous to be in this state. Sensory numbness(taking a shower on the highest heat and not feeling the pain). The last time I was here was last year, and I cut my foot while cleaning and didn’t know it. I felt stinging, but it was faint. I didn’t realize until I saw that I was leaking. Amnesia(Whole days becoming a blank). Depersonalization(feeling like I’m floating outside of my body). Robot Sylvia is back.

I feel nothing. Just on autopilot, preparing for another day of treatment and interrogation. Just one more day… Thank God It’s Friday.

Being alone is second nature to me. I feel most unsafe in a group of people. Distrustful and for good reason. The darkness in people’s hearts scares me. Are you healed, or are you gonna bleed on me? I don’t get too close. I’m trying to make my nervous system feel safe again. Could someone’s presence feel better than my solitude? So far? No. My space is sacred.

No strong feelings connecting me, truthfully, I’m not sure I’m capable of it anymore. These days, it seems like everyone gets a time limit with me(5 years max, no one makes it past that), like sand in an hourglass. It’s only a matter of time before I take my scissors out, sharp and precise. A clean cut, every time. Detachment issues make it seem impossible to feel close to anyone. To love deeply as I did before my bio family discarded me. I don’t miss who I used to be. I miss my heart.

I’m misunderstood, and I can understand why. I’m full of paradoxes. Like I’m capable of deep emotion, but I’m also hollow, I crave guidance and true connection, but isolation feels safest to me, I’m grateful for my life, but I dread living it sometimes. Just a few examples.

I thought I was pretty straightforward, but most people don’t understand me lol…If you ask them, I’m “complicated” or “difficult.” This breeds resentment in me. I see you, but you can’t see me? After all these years, you’re still blind to my ways. A trigger that leads to my scissors. A bad habit I’m trying to change, but it’s addictive. The relief of not having to explain or prove yourself.

That’s why I can’t stop. It’s a toxic, destructive pattern deeply imprinted in my brain. Learned that day when my sister walked away. When things get tough and nothing else is working, cut them off and erase them from your life. I could reframe it as self-respect, but it’s a toxic pattern I picked up from her. I would never abandon someone in a time of need as she did me, but I have abandoned relationships. You have to fight for it, but I have none left in me. 3 strikes, and you’re cut off. I’ll wish you the best and vanish. Ask anyone who’s met my scissors.

I wouldn’t consider myself someone safe to get attached to. There’s no one on the planet that I talk to every day anymore; instead, I pray. It will always be God first for me. My love for him knows no bounds. I could be blocked and unfeeling, but when I get on my knees and pray, I’m able to release. Hallelujah. His presence is undeniable in my life, and I want to be closer. I’m a very blessed woman, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore; this flow is random. Why am I here, Lord? What purpose do I serve?

I hate my parents for bringing me into this world just to abandon me. Left to navigate this life with damage. It left me feeling insignificant. When your own people don’t want you, that says something, but when you can’t make it work long-term with nobody else, that speaks volumes. Shit, maybe I’m just destined for a life of solitude. There’s nothing wrong with that, just not what I expected…oh well. I fuck with myself heavy, so I’m not tripping.

-Sylvia Monica Parrott

“The ocean never apologized for its depth, so why should you?”

Living no longer feels like a necessity but a performance

Very sensitive and horribly anxious I sometimes feel out place in this world

As I consider ending therapy

Another relationship that’s failing

I write down what comes to me

What have I gained? What have I learned?

Another relationship on the brink of failing

Damn is it me??

Blame it on my BPD

Lately things have been positive for me

But that has increased my thoughts of not being here

When I think of being at the greatest height and accomplishing my dreams

I think of ending it all

I have no intention of course

A lot of people would be hurt

So I stay but the numbers keep dwindling and relationships keep breaking

Feeling like I’m the only fighting because I love deeply

I choose to let go

Grief and loneliness is what follows

26, and I think of all the places I’ve been

Look at my life and what I have to offer

Not much I guess that’s why I continue to suffer

Most people find their niche or their thing

For me I wouldn’t even know where to begin

I feel lost and I’m just winging it

This is not the first time I’ve had suicidal thoughts

I have them quite frequently

Again blame my BPD

I feel unworthy

So I self-sabotage and continue to worry

I pray these thoughts leave me but they persist

I’ve been battling them since I was 13 after a failed attempt

I have night terrors about dying

These dreams come in many forms

Drowning, burning, chopped up by a machete, stung by hornets, etc

Yeah it’s morbid and disturbing I know

I’m averse to talking about it because I rebuke that energy

When I examine these dreams closely

It’s not a fear of dying but perhaps a deep desire?

Deep in my subconscious where our thoughts can reflect in our dreams

That’s why out of all 3 these are the number one theme

If I’m completely honest I’m not happy

Just a person who’s trying to be

I know that life is beautiful and a gift

And I want to enjoy it happily

But how can that be?

When life feels so empty

I’m a blank canvas without the tools to paint something glorious

Something I could treasure and look forward to

I dissociate my days away not in tune and barely present

On the hunt for meaning and fulfillment

Complex pieces of my puzzle

I hope I find them soon

Restore my soul from its brokenness

Until then I dream of the day I fully bloom

-Sylvia P.

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Op-ed assignment

Sylvia Parrott

Writing for change

Why community needs to be centered more in child welfare work

Community is an important part of everyone’s life. We are humans who need connection in order to be healthy. It’s been scientifically proven. Community itself is a resource, and many people don’t view it that way. For foster youth, this is even more important. Foster youth go through a plethora of issues and require healing, which can be accomplished through community. The outcomes for foster youth are not good. I’ve seen this in data and firsthand with the youth I was in group homes with. Some of them end up in jail(the foster care to prison pipeline), having multiple children, in abusive relationships, homeless, or even killed(god rest the souls who’ve been lost). I truly believe the majority of those issues can be avoided through community, particularly mentorship. Mentorship is a powerful thing. It can change the trajectory of a youth’s life. Having someone or a group of people to guide and correct you can change your view on life and make better decisions. I believe a lot of the youth who end up in bad situations are due to a couple of things: feeling they have nobody who cares, not knowing any better, repeating generational patterns, and trauma. One person can change a life, which should never be underestimated. Human beings are not meant to be alone; in fact, research shows that long periods of isolation can increase the production of the neuropeptide tachykinin. High levels of tachykinin can make someone more aggressive, fearful, and anxious. That being said, a lot of foster youth’s behavior makes sense. Their pain makes sense. Having a community can boost someone’s well-being. It makes them feel loved, supported, and confident. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs also shows we need community and belonging in order to thrive. This is why I’m pushing for mentorship and community to be included more in child welfare work. We need to stop looking at youth as numbers and as what they are, human beings with needs! Seeing them as a whole person rather than a number could drastically change the level of care they receive and the outcome. For example, the issue of overmedicating youth in congregate care facilities. Don’t get me wrong, some people need medication, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all. Every situation is unique, and medication cannot fix a broken heart. Only time, purpose, community, and healing can do that. Entering into the system is traumatic in itself, but sometimes what we lose in that process is traumatic. Relationships, a sense of home and belonging, freedom, autonomy over our bodies, clothes, and belongings, and a sense of self or identity. Medication cannot fix that. It’s a very shallow lens to look at the problem. Grief is a process one has to work through, and each person grieves differently. Group therapy can be very effective when treating complex issues, and why? Because of community and belonging. When something horrible happens to us, sometimes we can go into a loop of wondering why me? Or feeling alone. Group therapy can disrupt those patterns. Listening to others and finding commonality amongst each other can significantly lighten the burdens we carry. As a person who has participated in group therapy for multiple issues, including sexual abuse, grief, and depression. I can attest to how effective it is. Healing is not easy, nor is it linear. We need support and people to lean on when things get heavy. In my second group home, new clients were labeled either mental or behavioral. Depending on which box they placed you in greatly influenced how they treated you. Those labeled mental were treated with more compassion and patience and were not held accountable most of the time. Those with a behavioral label(those like me) were treated differently. Less patience, overly punitive, and even threatening to hospitalize us for normal things(like getting upset because we can’t hang with friends). This was so strange to me because both issues stem from mental health, so I didn’t understand why they were so divisive in treatment. In conclusion, this op-ed is a mixture of my lived experience backed by science. My goal is to raise awareness about the power of community and why we need to center it more in our work. I also want to implore anyone in the field not to have such a one-dimensional view of youth. See them for who they are, not what you read. Look deeper for what they need. I’ve said this before on panels, but being a social worker is not just a job; you’re managing someone’s life, so you should be taking it seriously. Thank you.