We had a marvelous visit to the coast.

We drove down to Brockton, Mass. to visit with Chris’s Dad. The first day we went thrifting at Savers for some much-needed summer items. We met up with family for a walk around Bristol, a pretty part of Rhode Island. We went for fresh fruit ice-cream, and then Chris’s daughter Autumn made us a delicious dinner of Penne Pasta with lots of freshly-grated Parmesan.

We enjoyed our Nantasket beach visit very much. Chris dropped us off and I made friends (Aria couldn’t resist their beach toys, and Taylor welcomed us to play) and told her I was worried about how long it was taking him to find us. She owned her own hair salon. He finally found us, after someone gave him bad directions. We walked down to the water to swim. We went back and forth between our towels and the water. We took pictures, followed seagulls, looked at razor clams and crab shells, and Chris dug in the sand with a shell. It was an absolutely perfect day! Hot, sunny, bright, and Summery.

From the ice-cream truck, we got a delicious Lemon and Watermelon Italian ice with the perfect consistency, and it lasted a long time. I helped Aria drink it, while Chris worked on getting footage for his music video “Heavenly.” Then we walked back along the beach, carrying our stuff and our baby… it took forever- Phew! A heavy load!

The next day, we met up with family at a campground where we went swimming and went in the hot tub. We played with baby Aria and his sister’s new dog, Raffi. We ate seafood at a wonderful restaurant, and the shrimp was very plump and juicy. We all got sunburns (had the sunscreen sitting out on the coffee table, and forgot it), but it was worth it.

On our driving days, we made some much-craved pit stops at Chik-fil-a and Barnes and Noble. One evening, we got dinner at Whole Foods. There are some chains you really miss when you live in the Boonies! We also found a couple of local joints like The Brew, which had AMAZING cold brew and (not pictured) spinach pie.

God gave me a lot of deep thoughts while we were on our vacation. In a book by Kaitlin B. Curtice, she states that being at a Christian conference, she felt very close to God. She believed he told her, “Your ear is near my mouth.” So she found a rock, and wrote “ear” on one side, and “Mouth” on the other, as an Ebenezer to remember her trip.

God spoke to me when I was watching Chris hold Aria in the ocean. He was wading further and further into the depths, and she kept lifting her feet higher, out of the cold water. Chris got her used to the water, until she finally relaxed and the water was up to her waist. God spoke to me, “Safe in Daddy’s arms.” We got a WORD! Although it may seem insignificant, this was a major breakthrough for me. I’ve struggled with feeling unsafe in many forms. God wanted to set my feet on solid ground in my faith and just in general. He reminded me that I’m his child, being held in his arms, and he kept telling me, “Have faith like a child.” I shared this with Chris’s family, which was an answer to my prayer that I would be able to share my faith on this trip.

Reading

I read Glory Happening by Kaitlin B. Curtice and Gift From the Sea (Reread) by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. I ended up not getting anything at B&N, but Chris got a book, I Declare War by Levi Lusko, and he said he would let me read it when he’s done.

Poetry~ Ocean View

Please enjoy this original poetry.

From where we sat, it was a long walk to the ocean

We could see it, with large beach houses behind us

A small, sandy pathway from the street

Someone had already collected shells where we sat

The salt-air blew in plenteous gusts

We took turns walking down to the salt-sea

I wanted to swim, wading up to my waist

The cold water took my breath away

“You’ll get used to it,” he said,

And he was right.

He held her, and she stretched her legs straight

To keep them from getting wet

Slowly, he waded deeper, they were both used to it

Until she was up to her waist

She stared into his eyes: Safe

In Daddy’s arms

An ice-cream truck made a tinkling jingle

We followed the sound, waiting in line

Next to a colorful truck of choices

We chose a lemon italian ice

With the perfect consistency and intensity of flavor

We savored it for a long time

Sipping and licking as it melted

In the August heat.

While we were in line,

Some seagulls stole our chips

And God spoke to me.

“Your ear is near my mouth”* when you’re at the beach

And every word he spoke was

YOU. ARE. SAFE.

I feel a breakthrough in my soul

No more worrying, he’s got me

No matter what, he’s got me.

*Kaitlin Curtice

Listening/Watching

Chris made a new music video… and I absolutely love it!

Weather update

The heat broke around mid-August here, and we’re back to cool nights. I’m already anticipating the long winter (Did you know the peak of changing leaves in the Adirondacks is late September?), and I have decided that I need to do at least three snow activities this year, in order to help me enjoy snow more. I want to go downhill skiing and (on a separate trip) sledding/tubing at Titus Mountain, and cross-country skiing at the Nature Center this year. I know that part of the reason I haven’t *loved* winter here is because I have never done any of these activities while living here. It seems like I make excuses every year… I don’t have the right gear, I don’t have a babysitter, it’s too cold, or expensive… and then the year slips by, and I go another year without these fun activities. This is the year to remedy that! No more excuses! There’s really a plethora of options in my area if you include Titus plus the Adirondacks like Whiteface, etc. I’m getting out there! I resolve to *love* winter this year.

I recently asked my dear husband Chris to sit down with me for a quick interview about his new Christian album “All I Know.” We had a lovely conversation, and I think the reader will learn a bit more, and hopefully find impetus to listen to the album if you have not already done so!

Enjoy!

1. Are you excited about the release of this album? Why?

Yes, because it’s an awesome album! {Laughs} I did a lot of hard work on it. I hope it is influential for people to find their way to God, find hope when they’re feeling down, and find hope that their lives will get better.

2. What is the singular thrust of this album, or the purpose behind the music?

To give glory to God. The purpose is to let Him know that we appreciate Him, and that we have nothing to fear, if we have total faith in His planned outcome for our lives, if we do our best to live according to His will, and not our own.

3. How long did it take to write this album?

Maybe 20 years? It is a collection of circumstances from my life that brought it about. The writing process was about 6-8 months of collecting songs. The actual writing of it takes a lifetime.

4. What do you wish people understood about your musical process?

I don’t have a musical process. It kind of just comes out one step at a time. I don’t specifically start with the lyrics or music. I jump around from one thing to the next. Sometimes I half write a lyric when it comes to me. I don’t follow any specific template in creation, I just let it flow as it comes to me.

5. There is a song on the album that talks about your grief for friends who have passed away. This song really struck me… what do you hope the listener takes away from this one?

I hope that people can find comfort in knowing that they’re not alone. Grief and loss are some of the hardest things people go through.

I hope to reach people in a profound way to get the point across that it’s important to give glory to God while we’re still here, so that we can all give glory to Him when we have eternal life when we leave this world.

6. How did you arrange the song order to uplift the listener?

That’s always a hard one for me. I usually just play it on shuffle until I hear certain songs. Sometimes when one song is over, I hear the next one in my head.

I try to pay attention to tempo, feel, and vibe, so the album has a cohesive flow when you play them back to back. It’s better not to have an extremely happy song after a sad song. It’s good to have transition songs as you listen steadily through.

7. I love the chorus on the song “All I Know.” Can you tell us about it?

The premise of that song is that even when things go bad, and we’re not sure what lies ahead in our life, there’s always questions in life, there’s always worry and doubt and fear about what comes next, but we can all have comfort in knowing that God is there through it all. It’s the only thing we can be sure of. It’s all I know.

8. What artists and/or albums influenced the writing of this album?

I pull my influence from a lot of different places. I’d say a lot of Christian music has been on rotation lately, and popular bands like Hillsong, Brandon Lake, and Toby Mac. But I also take influence from some lesser known Christian rap artists, like Rare of Breed, and Kieran the Light, and Beautiful Eulogy. It’s hard to write a list, because I’m so immersed in music. It’s hard to write down, but those are the ones that come off the top of my mind.

9. What would you say is the formative moment in your life that this album nods to?

Right now. Every moment in our lives is forming the next ones.

But the most formative moment would have to be when I got baptized in July of 2023. That’s when I really made an absolute decision to devote all of my music and creative output to Christ.

10. What do you hope the listener gets from these songs, above all else?

I hope that people find joy in listening to what I do. I hope that people can relate, and feel uplifted and hopeful. I hope that people can feel closer to God when they listen to this album, and any of the others that I create in the future.

~~~

You can find this album “Worpaint: All I Know” on all the streaming platforms! Spotify, Apple Music, Deezer, Youtube, etc.

You can follow Chris on Instagram @WorpaintPeace

Here it is in its entirety on youtube, for free.

Recently, we made a visit to the beach. As we waited in line for the ice-cream truck, a seagull came to visit our bag, where he dug out a bag of chips to steal and eat. While we had our sights set on a Lemon Italian Ice, the birds were robbing us of the accompaniment to our lunch. This is how the Devil works– we are busy focusing on one thing, and he comes to take whatever we do not keep a close eye on. He is the Deceiver, and he is constantly at work.

I recently decided to sit down and reread 1 and 2 Corinthians, two of my favorite books of the Bible. As a reader, and a writer, you know I like to look for a theme… and the way the Deceiver ruins communities is one major theme. I noticed Paul talking about not grumbling and the repentance of Corinth, the issue of suffering and how God keeps us safe from temptation, and generosity of the churches to unite them against evil forces. These seem to stand out as the major themes of the letters to the Corinthians.

Paul references Numbers, when God was smiting the Israelites in the desert, some simply for grumbling. (1 Cor. 10:10). He says this happened as an example for us. He urges the church to repentance. There are some who are continuing in fellowship despite severe sexual sin, and he urges them especially to turn from sin. In 2 Corinthians he says a previous letter (footnote said it was another letter besides 1 Corinthians) has borne fruit, and the believers repented.

Paul boasts about his weaknesses, and he truly has been suffering quite a bit. In 2 Cor. 11:23-28 Paul reluctantly recounts his list of suffering, which included imprisonments, beatings, and near-death experiences: whipped with 39 lashes (5 different times) beaten with rods (3 different times). He is shipwrecked, goes hungry, and has many sleepless nights. On top of his survival and travel suffering, he is given a thorn in his side (we are not sure exactly what this was). God tells him, “My grace is sufficient for you.” (2 Cor. 12:9). Paul is being taught to trust Christ no matter what, even if he has bodily suffering in this life. It is possible Paul had depression or an illness, but we do not know.

Again and again, Paul urges the church in Corinth to be united, and one way to do that is to give resources away to other Christian churches in need. There are so many wonderful reminders about generous giving in these books. “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” – 2 Corinthians 9:7. He reminds the believers to follow through on the promises they have made in regards to giving. What really stands out is his love for them. He talks about how they encourage each other in the love of Christ, and he sends Timothy to them ahead of himself, to encourage them.

All in all, I loved rereading these books and delving a bit deeper into their pages. When I was in my mid-thirties, the weeds of the world choked me, and the deceiver played a huge part in ruining my first marriage. I believe in the afterlife, because this experience brought me to hell and back, and it is only by God’s grace that I am on the straight and narrow path of prayer and worship now. Jesus said, when he was on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” This is my plea, Jesus’ words my only hope when the deceiver is strong in my ears and I fear for my soul. Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine, O what a foretaste of glory divine. Heir of salvation, purchase of God, Born of his spirit, washed in his blood. . . Perfect submission, all is at rest– I and my Savior am happy and blest. Thank God for precious salvation, won by Jesus’ work for us when he died on the cross and rose again, forever defeating these entanglements of sin! He who began a good work has promised to bring it to completion.

Which theme spoke to you from the ones discussed in this article?

Reading

Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld

I read this book, but ok, I actually do not recommend it!! It is true that no matter how good the writing, an unreliable narrator can derail a book. The main character keeps making poor decisions, and by the end the plot had me cringing so much, I had to keep taking breaks to recover good sensibilities. How was this a NY Times Bestseller? I know it was well-written, but the protagonist is not someone to emulate.

This was a novel about a girl who goes to boarding school, and the book follows all four years of high school. She grows up, makes friends, struggles with her grades, meets boys, and develops and matures. What I *did* like about it: the book portrayed the main character as flawed and thoughtful. She always reflected deeply on what happened in her life, and she knew she wasn’t perfect, but she had a fierce loyalty to her roommate. She was self-deprecating. She didn’t think herself pretty or worthy of a date. She overthought everything, especially boys. I could relate to the main character, and I enjoyed that it was a portrait and a coming-of-age story, similar to Jane Eyre in that way. Some undercurrents and notes of Feminism. There was a scene where the main character teaches a Hispanic student how to ride a bike. This is a great metaphor for learning to survive at boarding school. Sometimes you need help, sometimes it feels like you are going too fast, and balance takes practice. Eventually, you get the hang of it. 3 stars.

Frances and Bernard by Carlene Bauer

I really enjoyed this book! It took a few times of opening the book to get into it, which was surprising, as it is epistolary. The letters are dense, but not too dense. I loved the premise of using Flannery O’Connor as a springboard for a novel character, and the execution of bringing these characters to life was stunning. Very good writing, and a book for the writer’s writer. I recommend it! 5 stars.

I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced by Nujood Ali with Delphine Minoui

I found this at my little free library. I think it is a bit outdated now, but I found this book moving. A little girl goes through a shocking experience, but it is co-written and told with grace. I learned much more about the culture of Yemen, and it scratched my itch for curiosity about the culture in the Middle East. I remember watching “Not Without My Daughter” and this reminded me of that movie. 4 stars.

North Woods by Daniel Mason

This book was pretty dark. It is also well-written, but some of the plot points are extremely sad. It was nominated and was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize, but I don’t think it was for me. I did not finish it, FYI.

Eating

Our Celebrate Recovery group had the best Strawberry Shortcake dessert. Highly recommend!

Chris and I are sparkling water fans, and the Waterloo raspberry nectarine flavor just hits the spot on a hot day, especially after a long walk.

Watching

The Way Home

I’ve talked about this here before, but I recommend this Hallmark show. I’m on season 2 which is not as good as season 1, but I think the love interests will keep me hooked until at least the end of the season. I love how the main characters bond over music… that will forever be my favorite thing about the Hallmark brand.

Beat Bobby’s Filet

This is what Chris calls my favorite cooking show, which cracks me up. If you like competitive and fast-paced cooking, check this one out.

Linking

Best thing I’ve read in a very long time:

Inkwell

In a world of opinion writers be an artist

With Sarah B. Spraggins in The Agony & Ecstasy of the Artist series…

Read more

2 months ago · 252 likes · 25 comments · Inkwell and Sarah Beth Spraggins

My post about my daughter Molly graduating from High School

Closeness to God Part One and Part Two

Poetry

I have six daughters and three stepdaughters. I have been so very blessed. For this recap, I want to share a poem I wrote about this experience.

Daughters

A daughter is something I know about

A daughter is someone I know

They look into your eyes, and you melt

A daughter brings happiness and fulfillment

A daughter is funny questions like

‘Do bees know when they sting you?’

And ‘Do spiders poop?’

Daughters are dress up and tea parties

Daughters are singing and stories

Daughters are brushing and braiding hair

Daughters are sparkles and stickers

Daughters are tickles and laughter

A daughter is a million interesting conversations

A daughter is a book ready to be recapped

A daughter is hearing her sing along for the first time to “The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish”

A daughter is stomping and dancing around the living room to upbeat praise and worship songs

The deep joy I feel from knowing each one of my daughters cannot be measured,

Because there is more everyday

I can only hope that their dreams come true,

And perhaps they have a daughter, someday too.

Praying

Here is an excerpt from a book by Kaitlin B. Curtice:

“You are the stillness in this place.

Holy One, Kingdom come.

Embrace us here, now.

Speak into our hollow places

Where we’ve lost our words and find only

Utterances, only experiences

And observations to teach us who you are.

Secure us by your kind mercy.

Jesus, speak in the quiet.

Give us rest.

Amen.”

I was going to write about humility for part two, but God prompted me to write about His unconditional love instead. Both of these topics are important to closeness to God. But I think focusing on his love is paramount to walking intimately with Him.

God loves us with his whole heart. He IS Love. We are precious to him. He numbers the hairs on our head. Psalm 139:17-18 says “How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand.” It’s kind of like a young person who falls in love. They can’t stop thinking about their beloved. This would make a good life verse. This is something I could meditate on everyday, and it wouldn’t get old.

Like a shepherd looking after sheep, he keeps a close watch on us. When we pray, we are not getting the attention of our Father God. We are returning the favor that has already been lavished on us. He watches over us.

Remember that Jesus and the Holy Spirit intercede for us at every moment, and Jesus died for us, so his love is extraordinary. The love of Jesus is extravagant. He came to earth to save sinners… this was his purpose. His love knows no bounds. Song of Songs 4:7 says, “You are altogether beautiful my darling, beautiful in every way.”

There were certain characters in Scripture who embodied closeness to God. David was called “a man after God’s own heart.” He sang, danced, and repented with enthusiasm. Despite the twists and turns of his life, we see how he had extraordinary love from God, which he returned zealously. I have looked to David throughout my life, as his example in the Psalms shines as something to emulate in prayer and worship.

I want to love God and become closer to him. There have been phases of my life when I was more distant from God. The verse that really encouraged me was the one about how God leaves the 99 to save the one. There is a parable about a shepherd who is overjoyed to find that one lost sheep, and all of heaven rejoices over that one coming to repentance. I want to get back to feeling immensely close to Him. Meditating on his unconditional love makes me want to dwell with Him each day and get to know Him better.

Here is a prayer we can pray for getting closer to God’s heart of unconditional love.

Dear God, I know you made me and you adore me. Thank you for loving me no matter what. Help me to have firm faith to believe that you will finish the work you began in me. Walk hand in hand with me today, and help me to surrender my will to yours’. Amen.

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1b

God prompted me to write about closeness to him. I have several friends and family members that have drifted away from faith, and God has laid these people on my heart. I have gone through phases of my life where sin choked the fruit of the Word of God, or lack of faith dried up my desire to draw near to God. The problem with drifting, and for example giving up on church or God’s community of believers, is that we have an enemy that desires our destruction. Scripture says if we are lukewarm, God will spit us out of his mouth. This is a serious and scary warning to those who go astray.

Here are three reminders for those who feel they may have drifted from the center and are now far from God. I have been inspired to comment on a few verses that encouraged my heart. The theme for today is staying reconciled to God… something we should all seek.

First, Ps. 147:11

“The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.”

Without faith it’s impossible to please him, but he delights in us if we fear him as this verse states. Recently, God prompted me and my husband to attend Celebrate Recovery. This is a group formed for those with ‘hurts, habits, and hang-ups.’ It is similar to an AA group, but it is not just for those struggling with addictions. We go through the CR workbook in a step study with other students who have decided to commit to this program. Through intensive vulnerability, prayer, and study, we work through these bad habits to get back on the road of salvation. I think God is going to bless our desire to honor him with our lives, because it takes that first step of admitting Jesus is our higher power to get involved in this group.

Romans 8:28

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”

God is working in our lives constantly. When we love him, he is fighting for us and coming to our defense. I think in this day and age, it is acceptable to train children in manners, but being polite is the new gospel. Kids need to learn more than just how to be polite! They need to learn that God loves them, he saves them, and he is working for their good.

Do you want to be in a situation where God turns his back on you? Or do you want him to fight for you in the battle of Good vs. Evil? Remember, we are called to stay close to him and seek him with our whole heart everyday. Are you doing this?

Psalm 46:10

“He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’”

Acknowledging God’s providence is the first step to becoming close to him again. Journaling our prayers each morning is one way to draw ever nearer to our Lord. We can start each day by saying, ‘Lord, I know you are in control. Help me to have faith in you and follow you all of my days. Keep me near to you, and be my shepherd no matter what. Lead me in the way of salvation and protect me from the schemes of the evil one. Thank you for your provision. Amen.’ This is how we are coming before him in the morning, acknowledging his power as this verse states.

Reconciliation with God means you are not running or hiding from him in any way. You have confessed your sins, you have accountability, and you are walking with him in a way that pleases him. God put it on my heart to share these thoughts with you. I have been praying specifically that God would prepare and soften hearts for this message he has given me. May God be honored! Amen.

Yes, my oldest graduated from high school, and words have not come easy. The transition tugs on your heart, memories flood your soul, and you look around and marvel at how time flies. I felt empty, but I prayed about it and the Holy Spirit helped me discern that the feeling of emptiness was an indicator that I needed to grieve. I read a book, looked at pictures, listened to a song, and wrote a letter to help me deal with everything. So today I want to share with you how I dealt with this big transition in life. I guess this is a bit of a June recap, seeing as it is the end of the month, but we are only coming at this structure halfway out the door.

READING
To help process some of my grief, I read the book Why Fathers Cry at Night, a very interactive memoir by Kwame Alexander. He includes recipes, song recommendations, snippets from his journal, and lots of poetry. I really enjoyed reading it and hearing from his heart, which is where this memoir comes straight from. We had a lot in common in our stories including divorce and having children far apart in age. A lot of his words resonated with me, so it was the perfect pick this month. He quoted Umberto Eco, who said,

“I believe that what we become depends

On what our fathers teach us at odd

Moments, when they aren’t trying

To teach us. We are formed

By little scraps of wisdom.”

My favorite poem from the book was his piece “Instructions for Leaving,” about his divorce… here is a selection from it.

Once the earthquake is settled

Accomodate the anger…

Fix it dinner, then send it to bed

Part as partners in wonder

Stargazers discovering possibility

Two people who dreamed a world

Yesterday….

Be neighborly

Have less thunder in your mouth

Make a joyful noise

Do not waste time as rivals

Erstwhile lovers who no longer laugh

Play the new music of your life softly

Like a sunrise mission

Mourn the changing season

Step out into what you have lost

And accomplished

Have afternoon tea

And talk about it

Remind each other to

Leave something behind

That makes you smile.

Now, go be grateful.

PICTURES

SONG

Proud of You by Lyrical Lanterns

Proud of you

This song made me cry!!! That’s all you need to know.

LETTER

Finally, to help process my feelings, and to communicate better with her, I wrote to Molly about some hurdles we have had to overcome as a family, memories, and my current devotional type thoughts. I had to bring out Romans 8:28 of course, because it is comforting at times like these. “For we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.” This letter was the best way to process my big feelings, and I encourage everyone to send a letter to the graduate in your life. (Family who are reading this, if you want her email address, just let me know.)

So, sometimes God gently nudges us to do the work of grief, and fortunately it is worth wading through the tears and big emotions to come out with insight and relief on the other side.

What I’m Into…

Well, I didn’t get around to my mid-monthly post. The weather here has been nearly perfect, so we’ve been out enjoying that! This is the season the North Country does Right, because it is usually not too hot in the Summer, but the sun shines! I love May! Praise God!

Reading… Sisters First by Barbara Bush and Jenna Bush Hager

This is a co-write memoir from the Bush twins. It includes lots of interesting personal anecdotes, a review of early 2000’s political history, and some musing on their own evolving political opinions near the end. I really enjoyed this book, and I gave it 5 stars on Goodreads. The Bush twins were not really on my radar back when George W was president, and I wouldn’t have picked it up except for knowing about Jenna’s book club and role on the Today show. I found it at my Little Free Library, and I loved it! I have one sister, and even though we are not twins, I could relate to the closeness they share.

Watching… I love me some Beat Bobby Flay, as well as Minimealz on TikTok

I’ve been into the foodie category of TV, and loving it this month! Bobby Flay is hard to beat, so it’s a lot of fun to watch chefs try to out-cook him on this Netflix show. I’ve also found the world of miniatures on Tiktok and for some reason, watching someone cook tiny, edible meals is enjoyable and interesting. Truly, lots of good inspiration for my own cooking, even if it fits on the tip of your tongue. ‘Tis the season for picking fresh herbs from the garden and incorporating them into dishes.

Listening… Chris has gotten me into Reggae (Bob Marley & the Wailers forever), and we are listening to his forthcoming ep. I can’t wait for it to be out in the world, it is EXCELLENT!!! Chris has been working for months on his new album, and I participated by singing vocals on one track, “Let it ride.”

Doing…. This painting and a Lifelines adult coloring book found at Brewer bookstore

Exercising… Going for long walks now that the weather is perfect

Thinking about … the judge in the Bible named Deborah. I recently heard a very good sermon about her, and I have been thinking about the idea of trusting God despite overwhelm and fear (anxiety). Deborah had a full plate, and she had reason to struggle with fear and overwhelm. But even as a woman judge, which was rare at the time, she led the people with conviction and strength (Judges 4-5). The people of God celebrated their victory against the Canaanites with a song. We are called to continue going to church and worshipping God no matter what, and this story demonstrates the importance of worship for processing what God is doing in our lives. He brings victory against our enemies and against the Enemy! Praise him! Trusting God allows us to walk in peace, as the New Testament says our armor of God includes the Shoes of Peace (of the Gospel).

Praying… Thank you for being a gentle Shepherd, Jesus. Thank you for laying down your life for your friends. Teach us to be humble sheep who follow you where you lead us. Amen.

Here are some things I recommend:

1. “Abba” the song, by John Mark Pantana

   I love the lyrics:

   I never solve all the formulas, I’ve created
   I know Your heart is more than just a law to pay the bills
   I want to walk inside the cool of the day with simple affections of Your heart
   I wanted everything in nine to five and devote time
   Sometimes I make life a simple cell

   All I need and
   All I want
   All I care for is

   Abba
   All I know is
   Abba
   All I know is
   Abba
   I belong to You

   I never long to be satisfied when communing
   I know Your love is all the drink I’ll ever need
   I want to walk inside the cool of the day with simple affections of Your heart
   I’m found in everything You did for me and nothing more
   Sometimes I make life a simple song

   chorus

   You are
   Singing and dancing
   Over your sons
   Smiling and beaming
   Your Father’s love
   Singing and dancing
   Over your sons
   Smiling and beaming
   Your Father’s love

   chorus

2. Courtnaye Richard’s podcast “Inside Out” and her recent episodes:

+What To Do When You’re Struggling to Read the Bible (EXCELLENT!)

+Standing Strong Through Trials (ALSO GREAT IMHO)

I love Courtnaye’s nurturing and sincere style. She packs a lot of meaty insight into one episode. I think you should go out of your way to look this one up! She’s awesome!

3. “This is a gardening show” with Zach Galifinakis currently on Netflix has been a funny distraction this month. His signature way of cracking everyone up and his comical conversations with kids drew me in, but the fact that we were actually learning a lot about gardening kept us watching.

4. For people with kids, I recommend Jingle Jacqui. We “sing and sign together” as she does ASL while singing and playing guitar. Aria absolutely adores it! We have learned many of her songs this past year. I believe our daughter is learning a lot of sign language through these videos. She even rocks Space buns like a pro.

5. We have been winding down by watching Love on the Spectrum season 4 this month. Chris and I have been pretty avid fans of this show covering the love lives of people with autism, from the beginning. It is humorous and heartwarming, as the blurb on Netflix describes. I’ve personally really enjoyed watching Madison’s story unfold, to see how she has blossomed as a young woman. Her love story is fan-worthy, and I’m honestly very happy for her and Tyler.

6. I made a Spotify playlist of favorite worship songs. When I’m bored and I have nothing else to do, I like to listen to my music on headphones and play a puzzle game or just relax. I love the song “Battle Belongs” and “In the Beauty of Holiness.” What are your favorite songs to listen to in order to wind down? Some of my favorite artists are Shane & Shane, Lauren Daigle, and The Worship Initiative. Honestly, I used to listen to a wide variety of music, but now I feel like that which feeds my soul is best.

We have been blessed with friends that have become family.

Have a great month of May! May God bless!

I copied this quote down in a journal when I was in high school, and I found the journal the other day. It was… empty (haha!) aside from a few notes from friends and some practice-signatures from me and my friends. Oh, the irony. I have other journals from that era, but that was the era when I discovered that the pen and paper you use matter deeply for handwriting and the feel of writing in a journal. That particular journal absorbed too much ink, so I stopped writing in it, too picky to continue.

But yes, writing is the great cure— I agree! Whenever I’m bogged down or feeling tired or empty, I take to writing about why I’m feeling those things. Usually my musing turns into prayer, and hey, there’s nothing wrong with that, right? I can still untangle my thoughts that way.

Scripture says “In the beginning was the word…” and because of that, I believe Jesus has a corner on all truth, scarred hands and feet leading the way. Our truth comes usually through suffering in this earthly life. I have made it an incessant habit to type out many different types of writing during my life, thus arriving at deeper truths.

As an adult, I took a course which was supposed to help me categorize my writing, thus knowing how to market it and find a better readership. This class called my writing “Devotional,” so I leaned into that as much as I could. I’m not sure if my readership has grown much since then, but at least I found a way to make it more marketable, my one goal in life! Haha. 🙂

One of my all-time favorite quotes on writing comes from the lady herself– Flannery O’Connor.

It is hard to articulate it better than that. Banger of a quote, that is.

Recently, I have been trying to better articulate what exactly I believe about the Bible. It’s not a small subject, is it? Above all, from it we learn how to love. God gave me a friend who married a Catholic man, but through her life experiences now attends a Protestant church. She doesn’t really have much choice, this is where she goes because this is where she goes. I’m in the same boat, and I have a lot of questions about Scripture and the Protestant reformation. Because I was Catholic, sometimes it’s hard to know what to think! I do know that before Martin Luther, the Bible was not for the layman. Only priests were able to read the Bible. Imagine all the books, studies, hymns, and prayers written because the common man is able to own a Bible!

I’m not sure how I found it, but as I have mentioned, I recently read Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund, Ph.D Wheaton College. This best-book-I-have-read-in-a-while book focuses on Mt. 11:28 (Come to me all who are weary…), and he articulated something that I have long held: Jesus was created to save sinners, AND His very heart is for saving the lost. He is humble in everything, AND He suffered scarred hands and feet in this earthly life. He was conceived without sin… AND this is something no human can claim to understand! The Bible focuses on Christ’s humble heart and so should we.

I was created by God, I am his child, and I have found myself going to many different types of church. I have prayed and searched out his will through prayer and fasting many times in my life, and the best takeaway I can come up with is to focus on the idea of Sonship and lean into the fact that I am a daughter of the King. He loves and leads me, and he gives me spiritual peace. I believe in the truth of scripture, prayer, the importance of faith, and the significance of worship and attending church. Jesus is the Holy Son of God, and it is possible to walk in close relationship with him.

Repentance is one of the keys to salvation and redemption. We walk with Christ as Christians, but we stay close to Him and His will, by turning from the sin that previously entangled our lives, and living in victory over that sin in the name of Jesus. God doesn’t want us to be apathetic— he will spit out the lukewarm, remember! Turning from our sin is a first-rate and necessary way to say YES I DO BELIEVE YOU Jesus.

What do I think about the Bible? tl;dr (too long; didn’t read). What about you? Let’s discuss in the comments.

What do I think about writing? Writing is pleasurable, because it is useful and a fun process. I wrote more about writing, here (The Good in Life: On writing), here (School Lunches, a la Anne Lamott), and here (Julia Cameron-inspired musing) and discovered for myself more what I think about writing.

Lately we have been using an app to look up the names of Spring flowers here in the North Country. We thought it was all crocuses, but Lately we found Siberian Squill and Glory of the Snow. Spring is a good time to talk about redemption. Nature is not silent or apathetic about rebirth. Everyday we see new signs of Spring, and the sting of cold in the air has abated. Flowers, birds chirping and hatching, greenery all around.

Our lives have a story, and we who know Christ have a redemption story! God is taking our mistakes, ashes, and missteps and using them for his glory and purpose. Thankfully he is always working, and he hears our prayers.

Recently I have been going through a major trial. I have to keep it confidential as it is not a public issue, but this trial has borne good fruit in my life. Through my troubles, I have made closer friends, my baby is being well taken care of, and God has shown up by being there for me on days when I felt all hope was lost.

What has he done in your life lately? As Christians, we can stop and survey our lives in light of the wondrous cross! I’m thankful for the redemption I’ve seen in my life. His hand is gracious and good. Let’s look to his word for confirmation:

“For a brief moment I deserted you,

but with great compassion I will gather you.

In overflowing anger for a moment

I hid my face from you,

but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you.” Is. 54:7-8

Recently my baby learned how to walk, with this new skill came boundary testing. Sometimes I would find her emptying the cat bowl, and I would have to chase after her. I followed her to each room to make sure she was making good choices with her new found freedom. Similarly, hiding from God produces fear and loneliness, but reaching out to God brings the calming of our fears. He is our Holy Father, shepherd, and friend. As Dane Ortlund writes, “God’s heart of compassion confounds our intuitive predilections about how he loves to respond to his people if they would but dump in his lap the ruin and wreckage of their lives.” -p. 160, Gentle and Lowly

As I said, nature isn’t apathetic about renewal and rebirth. Spring is shouting outside our windows, wake up! There is so much happening outside to show us his power to bring life out of dirt. How is he doing this in your life? When I ask God “Why” about the pain in my life, he gives me redemption songs as the answer. I love “The Goodness of God” performed by Cece Winans.

I love You, Lord
For Your mercy never fails me
All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

Chorus

‘Cause all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

Verse 2

I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire
In darkest night
You are close like no other
I’ve known You as a Father
I’ve known You as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God

Bridge (x2)

Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me
Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me
With my life laid down, I surrendered now
I give You everything
Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me

I’ve also been working on my novel, so I thought it would be fun to share a little excerpt here! {At the end of this post.}

Bomb Shelter (4 stars) explores the author’s son’s diagnosis when he has an unexpected seizure as a teenager. She explores some heavy things, so I would say there are some trigger warnings in this book. I had to put it down while waiting at the dentist, because it got pretty heavy at times. She balances her exploration of various themes with a consistently silly, self-deprecating humor I appreciated. I think since we are both from the South, I resonated with her tone, although there were a few cuss words I don’t really get on board with, and the overall tone was slightly harsh and morbid, and it seemed to be missing something for me.

The other book I read was one of the best I have read in a while (5 Stars). There are some deep, well-researched spiritual insights with rich, meaty thoughtfulness and a contemplative style I appreciated. (This might be what the first book lacked…..) I had some “deep thoughts” after reading Gentle and Lowly, so I thought I would share those here.

“Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, … You will find rest for your souls….for my yoke is easy and my burden is light” Mt 11:28-30

I long to have my heart conformed to that of Jesus. I want to live a long, happy life. I hope my very heart is in step with Him, because of his work in me, and I’m seeking to be lowly and gentle as He is. As it states in scripture, this is the heart of Jesus. Why am I burdened, heavy-laden?

Life is a difficult journey, and despite that “easy yoke” of his will, we have missteps that create discord. It is true that keeping in step with His will creates peace, and the opposite creates confusion. In difficulty, it is good to have coping skills. A lot of years of therapy have given me many tools in the toolbelt for surviving difficult months. Prayer, journaling, time in the sun, and exercise have helped me immensely.

I long for success, and this is my mission: to have a breakthrough in life that leads to self-control and success is all areas of life! Do you resonate with this? I feel it is a Word from God, so I share it with my readers. If you long for success, there is no better yoke than the one offered by our Savior. He says it is the one that gives us joy. To quote Dane Ortlund, “His yoke is kind and his burden is light. It is a non-yoke, and his burden is a non-burden. What helium does to a balloon, Jesus’ yoke does to his followers. We are buoyed along in life by his endless gentleness and supremely accessible lowliness… he lives in our place of need.”

-Gentle and Lowly

I recommend this book strongly!

Early Spring

I see mud from my window, but I do not go out today

The temperature dropped

I don’t really have time before sundown…

And I don’t like mud.

Yesterday I swept remnants of sidewalk chalk, but the time the sidewalk sat soggy (all winter long) made it difficult to dislodge from the porch floor

The toys were gathered in a wheelbarrow,

The plastic gold ball imploded from winter stress

The snow melt unearthed unraked leaves and other surprises

The kids found their moon ball

The sun was gentle on my face

The lack of cold wind was a welcome change

My baby was happy to sit outside

She crawled in the old chalk and stained her new pants

How many babies have stained brand new pants? It’s a universal problem!

********

And now, an excerpt from my novel:

(Next time, I will share more poetry ).

From Ch. 1 of The Bookstore Chronicles

She woke up at a reasonable hour that day. Charlotte walked out her front door and into the shadow split up by patches of sunlight on her new street in Hartford, Connecticut. She swirled her hair into a french knot via a hairclip, then circled back to find a roomie warm hat that would fit over her hair. Just having moved from Nashville, Charlotte was not used to the cold air sparkling on snow, and her ears perked up and reddened with the wind.

Charlotte, once bundled, began to walk the cozy streets of her neighborhood. She had wanted to explore since moving, but she was waiting for a milder day. Lights for the upcoming holidays sparkled in the streets. Snowflakes and Christmas trees shone from storefront windows. She saw miniature Santas and not-so-miniature Santas. One window display in particular caught her eye. A polar bear stuffed animal surrounded by blue snow accompanied the book “On the Night You Were Born.” The intricacy of the display, with its very real fake snow, paper snowflakes, sparkling twinkling Christmas lights, and veritable recreation of the North Pole caught her fancy and she walked in the front door. What greeted her took her breath away.

This was a bookstore, but it was not an ordinary one. Once past the breezeway with on-sale books in two adorable old wagons, she entered the main double doors. It was very large and spacious inside. There were two floors, set off by an extravagant red and green staircase set back in the middle of the back of the store. She immediately caught sight of at least seven decorated and well-lit Christmas trees, and she was sure there were more. Lights, garlands, and ribbons adorned every beam and awning. Intricate holiday displays overflowed with gifts and decorations.

She began to browse titles from used to new, taking in the various sections to see if anything caught her eye. She immediately spotted many of her favorite authors, backlist titles among hot new titles and recent releases, getting all the buzz from blogs and podcast episodes she had heard. Dog treats sat next to adorable stickers on the front counter, and the lady sitting at the register caught Charlotte’s eye.

The woman’s eyes widened with pleasure as a young man approached the desk. Her nametag said Miriam, and she had an oval face, brown hair, and a warm aura. The young man stated plainly, “I’m looking for a book for my brother-in-law. He’s a graphic designer with an interest in ornithology. He’s recently widowed, he’s an avid jogger, and he likes mysteries and cookbooks.” Miriam took him to a back table where she had “just the thing.”

Charlotte watched in fascination, stunned to hear of someone else who had experienced the death of a spouse, and impressed by Miriam’s know-how. Charlotte stumbled into her favorite section, Memoir/Biography and lapped up the titles like a thirsty Golden Retriever. Her eye caught a lovely cafe in the back corner, and she realized a coffee would be the perfect thing right now. She passed several displays of handmade items- ornaments, pottery, magnets, and toys- as she approached to order a mocha. She slipped on the brown sleeve with a drawing of a coffee cup and the word “Java,” charmed by the atmosphere and all the tiny details and touches that make sitting in this cafe something she planned to make a regular habit. It was roomy and quiet, with a few people ordering the occasional latte, but no one taking a table this early in the morning. The customers came and went, but she was relieved to have the place to herself.

How many miracles happened to you this week?

I have felt a nudge recently to pose this question to my readership.

How often do you pray, looking for the miracles?

This week, I have encountered several miracles.

Miracle:
1. Lots of snow melted enough we could take kids to the playground

2. I only said “AaaH” once on a drive to and from Vermont :)

3. My baby took 10 steps across the room

4. I found time and babysitting to get to the dentist

5. I’ve felt God’s peace recently

I’m thankful when I see God at work. He is always at work, but our hearts and minds are attuned to his work when we spend more time in prayer. I write down my prayers, and just now, I looked over the past month of prayers to get ideas for this post. I recommend this practice!

One thing I have put into practice is the idea of a conversation prayer. I don’t believe I’m hearing God’s voice speak to me, like that. This is just a creative way to pray, and I know I’m not the first person to try it this way. (Thinking of Henri Nouwen / Amy Carmichael here).

If we take time to pray, we notice the mini-miracles in life much more frequently.

-Lord, I repent for my sloth and the ways I cannot be energetic. Heal me of my lack of energy and give me strength.

Can you heal me?

-My child, can you do what’s right?

-Lord, I am afraid, help thou my unbelief.

Lord I have had many things go wrong. Now I am tired and my soul is weary and road-worn.

-My child, the Word is for you and for these times. Dwell in it richly.

-Lord, I am worried about the daily worries. Help me trust you.

-My child, your soul is weary and you are on medicine, making you feel different and off. Trust me and I can heal you.

-Can you Lord? Oh I am so thankful!

-My child, it will take time and patience. Trust me, wholeheartedly. You’re not at the end of your race. Do not be afraid. Be strong and very courageous!

-Please work to heal envy and other sins. Help me to stay happy despite difficult circumstances. Help me not to complain.

-My child, I am holding you in a tight hug!!! In a warm embrace!

-Thank you my holy father! Please heal my broken heart even more!!!

God is so loving, his voice always so gentle! I reread Psalm 100 and I have been given this insight: His goodness to his people will certainly take your breath away. Today is not just another day. Today is a day to serve him with gladness and worship, because he is so, so good! I’m just a sheep, his sheep, living in his pasture. I sit in the light and I worship him.

What miracles have happened in your life, to you, recently? I encourage you to write them down.

As for this picture, it was taken at the Children’s Museum, where Aria and I went with friends. I thought this one turned out particularly well. We went out to eat afterwards at Park Bros, and I got the Garden Melt, which I highly recommend! Homemade bagel cooked to perfection, with veggie cream cheese topped with tomatoes, cucumbers, and mozzarella.

I read three books this month.

I really enjoyed the novel The Forgotten Names by Mario Escobar. The author uses short, concise chapters to accomplish his WW2 novel about the Jewish children in France who were saved from concentration camps by heroes, who sacrificed everything to put them in social services through the help of many Christian people. It is heartbreaking to imagine separating parents and children, yet an earnest and hopeful look at what went on from France’s perspective during the second world war.

I also read Found: God’s Will by John MacArthur. This book was scratching my itch for something with profound Biblical insight into a difficult topic— one that few try to tackle. I thought MacArthur did so brilliantly with grace and brevity. He suggests reading the same Bible chapter (or short book of the Bible) thirty days in a row. Your mind can picture the chapter on the page, and it is easier to remember what the Bible says about various topics. As for searching out God’s will, he lays out certain principles for living a Godly life, then says you can really trust your gut if you’re a committed follower of Christ, living out those principles. I thought the book, if longer, could have mentioned how our Christian lives are a relationship with God, and could have acknowledged the power of prayer to hone in on, and really search out what his will is (not that I’m any kind of a remote expert on this topic).

I skimmed Habits of the Household by Justin Whitmer Earley. I think I will try to finish in March. As the subtitle says, this book is about putting the gospel into practice in the home. He uses very specific examples from his on-the-ground parenting. He writes, “Understanding that our habits are already discipling us helps us see the classic spiritual disciplines in their full dimensions. They don’t just open our hearts to the reality of God’s story, they also displace other habits that were leading us in liturgies of false stories.” (p. 37) I enjoyed his writing style and look forward to finishing soon.

If you missed it, my featured (because it was my only) post today is this:
Salvation is our story. Ever since posting it, I have been thinking about how precious our journeys of faith really are, and it has really got me thinking about how prayer can root and center us in how we think about God. I think God is nudging me to write about this aspect of prayer soon. I hope you’ll join me, and don’t forget to subscribe.

God bless!

God has been nudging me for a couple of weeks to write about salvation. I had a friend pass away (too young, too soon!) this past week, and his obituary told the story of his life as one saved, which I found very encouraging. I decided now would be a good time to delve into this topic of salvation. Salvation is of God, it’s a free gift, and it is ongoing. I hope you find this article helpful as you continue on your own journey toward heaven.

Salvation is of God. Salvation is God’s work. ( Rev. 7:10). We join our faith to his lovingkindness, and He, as the Good Shepherd, does the rest. Life may have some twists and turns as we follow him, including his discipline. But remember, “He disciplines those he loves,” (Hebrews 12:6) so that’s a good thing, and it’s a sign that he is working a redemption story in your life.

Salvation is a free gift. Romans 5 talks about the gift of salvation, and it is one in which we do not earn it, but our faith is credited to us as righteousness, like Abraham (Romans 4:3). Salvation is the start of making us like Christ, and in his salvific work, he redeems and restores and sanctifies his people to purify them from iniquity.

Salvation is ongoing, constant, and never over until we depart this life. We continue in the hallmarks of our salvation– prayer, Christlikeness, and worship– until we breathe our last breath. God is making us more like his Son everyday, and we praise him for fearfully and wonderfully creating us in his image. This salvific gift- we are asked to work out (Phil. 2:12)- which gives our lives purpose and meaning beyond anything earthly success could touch.

Church may seem like an extra-curricular we don’t have time for, but here is something I’ve been thinking about. “Above all, guard your heart, for it is the well-spring of life.” (prov. 4:23) In addition, the soul is the garden where all our fruit grows. We have to guard our hearts and souls with our lives. Church is one way to keep it safe from the rot and mold of the world. It is very important to keep in step with the Spirit and with God.

I’m so thankful that I’m even writing about this topic. I feel that praying and worshipping have come to me with more gusto the older I get, and even the more I suffer in this life. I’ve been on a journey with many twists and turns, but God keeps bringing me back to himself, Praise God! Like my friend who passed away, salvation is my life story, and my life’s work– to show in the riches of marvelous praise and prayer that Jesus is indeed my Savior! Praise Him!

Are you saved? I wish we still had the old-fashioned revivals which would inspire large groups to follow Christ. Now we have websites that can bring people into the fold of the Good Shepherd Christ. Let us be thankful!

Do you have the hallmarks I spoke of? Here is a prayer you might pray if you long for the saving work of Jesus in your life.

Jesus, I need you. Enter my heart today, to redeem me from my sin. Make me more like you. I pray to be purified from my sin and brought closer to your heart through your love. Bring me to heaven, Lord I pray. Amen.

Recently, I had a dream that I was working on a Literary and fine art journal with a childhood friend. We wanted to road trip from our hometown down the two hours to Atlanta to do “research.” I was living in a teepee downtown, near homeless tents, strumming my guitar, going vintage shopping and eating out at Bohemian-type restaurants right down the road, whenever I wanted. It was a funny, comical dream, but it made me wonder: What other versions of myself could have come alive if I could sacrifice the well-groomed, readerly image of myself I have in my head? Is it an idol? If so, I want to lay it down to become the even better version of myself. Even if it’s not exactly the person in the dream. HA.

All of that to say, I read two books this month (and say it with me- that’s ok!). I read Well-Lived by Sally Clarkson and Let’s All Be Brave by Annie F. Downs. I have been in a Christian nonfiction headspace recently, and I highly recommend to you that headspace and both of these books.

As a Grandmother, God called Sally Clarkson to live in Oxford, England for a few years. The result of her time there is this beautiful deserves-to-be-a-classic book with lovely photographs by a professional photographer, throughout. It is a very enjoyable read, and it goes down easy, but do not be fooled! This book packs a punch and it is a powerhouse spiritually. Here is a great quote from that book:

“Being in a lovely or exciting place can placate our deep desires for a while, but only living into our divine purpose, committing to loving relationships, and basking in the light of God’s truth can help us find the belonging and fulfillment we long for. Only God can lead us to this.” p. 203

Clarkson reminisced in the last chapter I read about a time when she was exhausted, and she “dumped” her worried frustrations onto one of her children. She clarified that this wasn’t the best way to handle her feelings. She was overwhelmed with the amount of responsibilities that fell on her shoulders. She went to see Andrew Peterson in concert later that week, and he sang a song called “Be Kind to Yourself.” This really encouraged her and cheered her up. I looked up the song, and it resonated so deeply with me! This book is full of such relatable stories, with a lot of insight into how to mature into a woman who embodies Christ-likeness each day.

Be Kind to Yourself by Andrew Peterson

You've got all that emotion that's heaving like an ocean
And you're drowning in a deep dark well
I can hear it in your voice that if you only had a choice
You would rather be anyone else
I love you just the way that you are
I love the way He made your precious heart

[Chorus]
Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself

[Verse 2]
I know it's hard to hear it when the anger in your spirit
Is pointed like an arrow at your chest
When the voices in your mind are anything but kind
And you can't believe your father knows best
I love you just the way that you are
I love the way He's shaping your heart

[Bridge]
How does it end when the war that you’re in
Is just you against you against you?
You’ve gotta learn to love, learn to love
Learn to love your enemies too

[Verse 3]
You can’t expect to be perfect
It’s a fight you’ve gotta forfeit
You belong to me whatever you do
So lay down your weapon, darling, take a deep breath
And believe that I love you

[Chorus]
Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself

[Outro]
Gotta learn to love, learn to love
Learn to love your enemies
Gotta learn to love, learn to love
Learn to love your enemies, too

I know Annie Downs from her work on K-Love radio and podcasting. Earlier in her career, Annie Downs was still the gifted communicator she is today. She may be known for her podcast, but she has been a star writer for over a decade, and this book is proof. I could identify with her journey because I was also single for several years in my adult life and yes, it was hard. I needed her encouragement to take leaps of courage in life. Here is a great quote from that book:

“You are blazing a trail for the younger men and women behind you. They will have their own overgrowth to challenge them. Because you’re making a way for them, saving them some pain that your bloodied arms prove is real, and you’re honoring their footsteps by providing a clear path.” p. 156

January was long, hard, and cold, but these books and a few TV shows have kept our evenings happy. We also enjoyed Home Improvement (It holds up! And there are a lot of seasons!) and The Way Home, season 1, a hallmark series about time travel and the relationship between 3 generations of mothers and daughters, starring Andie MacDowell. A girl’s parents are going through a divorce, and she doesn’t understand why they can’t get along. Then she travels back to the time when they met, and she understands more about who her Dad was all along. Children made him grow up, but before his development, he was a pretentious jerk from the city. She meets a cute boy from the past, and every time she travels back in time, they date. She tries to explain to him why she can’t date him all the time. Meanwhile, in the current day, her Mom is confused by a new relationship with an old friend who could have become her husband, if not for the jerky boyfriend. Her Mom has a couple of love interests, and she has a lost little brother who goes missing, so the plot has some complex layers. Imagine your parents split up, but you have the opportunity to go back in time and see their first encounters, their biggest losses, and their deepest heartaches. Your vision is no longer obscured, and it gives you grace, mercy, and compassion for them in the trenches. Good show.

As I said, I have had some time to ponder what it means to put my identity entirely in Christ, and not in anything else, and that feels good to say. Thank you for reading. It means a lot for each and every one of you to come on this substack journey with me. Even when my posts feel run of the mill, occasionally.

How was your month? Anything to report?

Buy me a coffee

Are you struggling to find peace of mind, or living with someone who is? This post is for you. In my first of these two posts, I discussed how I view the peaceful mindset, triggers, and reaching out. You can read it here.

In the book Jesus Calling, Sarah Young writes, “Sit quietly in my presence while I bless you. Rest in my sufficiency, as you consider the challenges this day presents. Do not wear yourself out by worrying about whether you can cope with the pressures. Keep looking to me and communicating with me, as we walk through this day together.” p. 228

When you’re tempted to panic, the alarm bell rings, and then the sirens start going off. To get a grip on peace, God must fill us. In addition, for layman’s purposes, I use mindfulness practices. In addition to the first post and the medical prescriptions I have been given, these are my three pillars for peace of mind. *This is not referring to my pillars of salvation, or medical healing mind you.* Salvation is a different topic, and medical healing is a journey for another day. This is just the everyman’s source for at-home maintenance, and regular everyday peace.

My mindfulness practices include: (and not in any particular order) Structure, planning, and prayer. Before I delve more deeply into those, I’m going to answer some questions, because as a result of my last post, I had some questions crop up.

What does “zen” have to do with it?

I used the phrase zen to borrow from the eastern mindset, because I believe a peaceful existence is best captured with this modern new-to-the-dictionary word. True, we should not be attached to stuff. However, as I distinguished in the last post, this was not to refer to Eastern religion. I am trying to articulate a sense of peace which does not arise from worldly definitions of peace. (As I mentioned, this word was recently added to the English dictionary as a general term). So often in a materialistic, capitalist society, we get the wrong idea about what leads to peace. On the other hand, idols can creep up, and we can lose the prayerful mindset which is centered on God alone and not on earthly philosophy. A Christian sense of peace is a peaceful way of life centered on Jesus alone.

Is the route to peace a paradox?

Yes, as I articulated in my last post, self-care must meet with reaching out, because we always need both sides to the same coin. Just as a working person must have time off to rest and relax from labor to regroup, a person with anxiety must have times when they can fill their own cup, so that they can in turn live a life where cares are put in the proper place, and a peaceful mindset can reign.

Why is it work to find peace?

Have you ever met someone who is an energy vampire? Be kind! It’s a process which requires intentional effort to break the chain and not engage yourself!

Ok, we’ve clarified a few confusing items which cropped up as a result of the first post. Here are the pillars that make up my mindfulness techniques which help me manage my anxiety. Right now I’m praying about becoming more resilient to people, things, movies, and events that trigger my anxiety. I truly wish I didn’t suffer in this way. I wish this phase of my life {Chronic Anxiety- a true disorder} could be considered Concluded- checked off the big list in the sky. And yet, I still have to bear under the weight of it every single day. This post is to give insight to anyone else struggling with an anxiety disorder. The temptation– and the thing to avoid– is the desire to control our lives and the outcomes of every disaster, near disaster, or trigger to disaster. I hope this helps at least one or two people dealing with the same type of struggle.

Structure~ Checking off my to-do list, cup of tea in hand, has been a healing routine. Let’s state the obvious: self-discipline is further advanced by routines. We can make good decisions more easily with habits. Life should have balance, and that requires some routines that make life more orderly for everyone. My routines look different according to whether or not I’m working, staying with the baby, or attending to weekend business. However, a lot of rootedness comes from setting routines in place, so that I can thrive as wife and mother.

Planning~ My lifesaver is sitting down and doing the work of organizing my life by planning the days, weeks, months, and even years. Keeping a calendar, planner, google docs, and a substack are very helpful in this regard. I don’t put so much stock in it that I think all will go according to my plan, (Proverbs 16:9, James 4:13) but I’d rather be safe than sorry, so I do as much in-advance thinking as I can. I plan daily to-do’s, meals I want to make, events coming up, and social engagements to attend. Sometimes I even have to look a year ahead to make sure I am planning for everything.

Prayer~My word for the year 2026 is Deep, and my mantra for the year is “Go deeper.” Prayer helps us name exactly what is causing fear, and I type out my prayers or write them down in a journal. Prayer helps me change my outlook on hard situations. Faith is such a vital part of my life. Faith is not just a priority, faith in Jesus’ salvific work on the cross is everything. Prayer is what has healed me and put my pieces back together. Simply put, my divorce hurt. Life has some big asks. God gives us a journey that only we ourselves can live out. Prayer– and meditating on Scripture– keeps me going when life is too much and too hard.

Healing takes time. I thought for a time that I would always be crippled by the mental health issues that cropped up as a result of my divorce. I started the year 2026 by reading Let’s All Be Brave by Annie Downs. Talking about courage and bravery is the perfect way to start the year. I have had crippling anxiety and any and all triggers, including a lot of books, have caused me to sit on the sidelines shaking in my boots. This is the year I struggle less with anxiety and have more strength and power and courage to Go and do.

My biggest mental health crisis was marked by crippling anxiety– pacing, nausea, sleeplessness, angst, and inability to focus. Structure, planning, and prayer have made me a more independent woman. I feel that I’ve had a breakthrough since my divorce. I realized that in addition to therapy and techniques found there, through mindfulness practices, I can overcome the hurt and pain I was put through. I am reclaiming my identity and self-worth.

As every adult on this earth knows, life has a lot of stressors. I can’t avoid every trigger, nor can I expect the people around me to not overstep boundaries at times. Internal struggles also sometimes result in panic mode. Sadly, we live in a broken, fallen world, and thankfully, I’m healing. Yet my mindset is changing as my wounds become a more distant memory than before.

Comments on my last post

My last post got a lot of feedback from those who read it. Not every comment was written on the post itself, but I wanted to mention the comments I received.
-Church is a huge source of peace: My Dad reiterated the importance of attending church and participating in that community in the comments of the post. I completely agree! We do attend church and have found a great community there.

-Family members lifting each other up in prayer is a big part of communal peace, as was also mentioned in the same comment.

-Interaction with others: My brother mentioned this to me, in response to my post. It is so important to talk to people everyday, he stated the following, which I think holds a lot of wisdom: “Peace has to be strived for, attained not simply appearing.”

-Facing your triggers. Someone else commented to me personally that avoiding triggers can be toxic. It puts us in a cycle of avoiding life and its challenges. I wanted to mention this because my first post (I now believe) put too much stock in avoidance when I reread it. Avoiding too much caffeine and sugar is one thing, but I agree that even with crippling anxiety, there comes a time when we must face the stressors of life. We can’t stay stagnant despite finding the good things in life somewhat stressful. Going through life avoiding triggering situations is just as crippling as becoming triggered by something that causes stress, fear, or panic.

For more on this topic, I recommend:

Be Well ​​https://bewell.ny.gov/calming-yourself

Mayo Clinic https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/11-tips-for-coping-with-an-anxiety-disorder

Did any of this strike a chord? Does any of my rambling make sense? I know I get up to 60 views per post. Will you be brave and step out from the ordinary and either like this post, leave a comment, or support me by buying me a coffee? It would mean SO MUCH to me, as we are struggling financially right now. My dream is that my writing would bring income to our family!

Buy Me a Coffee

Thank you and God’s blessings and peace be yours in abundance.

Recently, I was at a coffee shop the day after returning from a long trip. During the trip, we faced dangerous driving through a thick snowstorm. In the coffee shop while eating a scone, I heard a young driver joking about his choice to drive up to Montreal for an interview, despite snow in the forecast. My anxiety started ramping up, my body recreating the adrenaline I had experienced in the car. Taken out of control, this would have culminated in a panic attack. This is not a conscious choice that I make. It is my body’s involuntary reaction to stress. There are only a few things I can do when this happens. Deep breathing, taking a half-pill of my medication, and deep focus might prevent my heart from racing and my body from going into hyper-alert mode. However, the simplest way to resolve this is to avoid triggers and reach out.

Peace comes when we surrender. Our prayer should focus us on the saving work of Christ. Scripture says as we confess our sin, he is faithful and just to forgive us and purify us. What else does scripture say about peace? And what is this harvest, what is this peace James is talking about? What does it mean to resolve conflict and actively create harmony? What does this peace mean in a mental health context?

James 3:18

And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

Matthew 5:9

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.

In 2018, the lower case word “zen” was added to the dictionary to describe a worldview of peace and calm. This is how I’m using this word today, not in direct reference to a Buddhist sect or Japanese meditation, as it is often used. For most of us, a peaceful mindset makes us think of a worry-free attitude to the many cares of life.

Peace means a lot of things, but one thing “zen” means for my mental health is simply put, avoiding triggers. Recently my husband and I had a conversation about triggers. ”I don’t avoid my triggers,” he said. He is better about finding catharsis through anything that might trigger him.

“Well, I do,” I quickly responded.

I didn’t say, “I’ll think about that.” I know how triggering my triggers are, and for some people, risk is no factor. There will be no risk for me, because if something triggers a panic attack, it can be devastating for my mental health journey. If I find anything or anyone triggering, I avoid them/it. Recently I had to walk out while my husband watched Cheaper by the Dozen. Sometimes it is a comment in a sermon, one time an inconsiderate offhand comment about workplace safety. Later, unfortunately, I have trouble trusting that person’s preaching.

Usually I don’t put my triggers on full blast like I’m doing right now. But I thought I would start this series a little bit more vulnerably than usual, because that’s the meat of this topic. I can already anticipate that the 18% of the population (psychology today) that struggles with chronic anxiety is hanging on my words, while the rest might tune me out now. ha.

The Dalai Lama has some quotes about how peace is the result of compassion. When we work in kindness to others, we develop peace:

“World peace must develop from inner peace. Peace is not just mere absence of violence. Peace is, I think, the manifestation of human compassion.”

“When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.”

“One of the basic points is kindness. With kindness, with love and compassion, with his feeling that is the essence of brotherhood, sisterhood, one will have inner peace. This compassionate feeling is the basis of inner peace.”

How do we find peace when it sometimes feels like the supply in this life is so minimal? I don’t just fight my turmoil, I battle against it. Reaching out to others can minimize our own stress. Showing empathy and being a caretaker means making sacrifices when it might hurt. Look again at the verse starting this post. We have work to do if we want to be full-time peacemakers. This self-care gives me versatility and the ability to navigate rough waters.

Romans 14:19

Make every effort to do what leads to peace.

In part two, I will go into more detail about my mental health journey, and how I have found relief from my struggles. I hope this post gave you some food for thought, and that you will return in a week to check up!

buy me a coffee

I release all feelings of guilt for not reading very much this year. I read a total of 23 books. Usually my average on Goodreads is around 45 books, sometimes more.

However, I was very busy with a wedding, a new baby, and a move (all within a couple months). Not to mention my normal routine of working and hanging out with my older children. This year had me firing on all cylinders. I love being a Mom, and I have a wonderful example in my children’s Grandma.

I found the following questions via the Kate Bowler substack. (FYI This was in her notes, not in her newsletter). She had a list of 10 questions and I have borrowed three of them.

1. What beauty did you witness that felt like it was just for you?

The song 10,000 Reasons makes me cry! I’ve listened to this song dozens of times, with and without the baby (but usually with her). This song was not a new discovery for me this year, but if it is for you— look it up, but it took on new meaning and significance for me.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name

You’re rich in love and You’re slow to anger
Your name is great and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name
Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still, my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
Forevermore

Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name
Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name
I’ll worship Your holy name
God, I’ll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before, O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name
God, I will, worship Your holy name

2. What did you lose that deserves to be remembered?

A very dear friend named Edna lost her husband, and she was grieving tremendously. I know how it feels to go through something tragic… three years ago I spent Christmas completely alone. It was extremely traumatic, and I still carry scars from that experience with me to this day. There is no going back to before those wounding days of endless crying. But the person I am now is completely different and remade. I try to see who I am now as much better than who I was then. I’m perhaps still in my cocoon phase, but this butterfly will soon emerge, and it’s looking very bright. Let’s not rush our healing!

3. If you could write a blessing for the year ahead, what would it say?

Lord help me not to notice what is going wrong, but to focus intently on what is going well in my life and in the lives of those around me. Give me grace for today and everyday— even the challenging days and moments! Give me hope for a life spent with you, Holy Spirit— and eternity with Jesus!

Books to recommend from the year. Someone asked me to please expound on my favorite books from the whole year.

Spilling Ink: A Young Writer’s Handbook by Anne Mazer and Ellen Potter

I read this, then gave it to my daughter Annabel. I found it informative and entertaining, with a lot of meaty advice about becoming a writer— even for a young person such as my 10-year-old daughter.

Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala

This book sums up my faith journey quite well. We can see a revival if we insist on putting prayer first in our lives and communities. Cymbala witnessed a Brooklyn revival under his humble leadership, and with a dedicated scriptural theology, he was able to see his community through to thriving by life in the Holy Spirit. I love this book… I want to give away copies to many I know and my children!

A Magical Snowy Walk

A snowy field, busy with animal tracks–

Rabbits, deer, cats, I think I see moose…

I can see have been here before

It is like their ghosts or shadows are playing all around me

I step over the frozen puddle, but not quite–

The snow cracks under my feet

I let out a giggle at this first!

I have never walked on water before.

I follow one set of deer tracks

To the edge of the woods, marvelling

That they traverse this rough terrain with ease

I turn around and follow another set of fresh tracks,

Noting the whiteness of the field of snow,

Compared to muddy snow by the road.

If I had met this day a few years ago,

I would have loved this place.

Snow collects on trees during snowfall,

Some blows away in the wind.

The rest falls off trees in

Snowball explosions at my feet

Everywhere I look, cool whip of snow

Deep patches and drifts — must be a foot.

****

I wanted to wrap up December as well as do a year-end recap, so here we are!

December Reading

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm by Kate Douglas Wiggin

I missed this growing up, but found it delightful when I found it , while subbing in the Middle School. Coming of age in late 19th century New England.

The Secret Garden of 81st St. by Ivy Noelle Weir, illustrated by Amber Padilla

I also found this while subbing in the middle school, It is a graphic novel retelling of The Secret Garden, taking place in current day NYC. FYI I did not purchase this, I simply borrowed it. One of the subplots has a liberal political slant, FYI. Despite this, I found the book readable, charming, and a nice refresh on an old classic.

Watching

The Christmas Chronicles, 1 & 2 (Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn)

I found especially the second one to be a great choice for my kids. In the second, they visit The North Pole, where tales of St. Nicholas become deeper and the characters learn how the choices of an elf mirror that of a young person, with a deeper impact on life.

Home Improvement/Back to the Future

We’ve been doing some throwbacks recently, having watched all three back to the future movies while they were on netflix. Home improvement holds up in many ways! It is still hilarious, though I missed the negatively sexist subplots in the early years! You can see how they grappled with these themes and came out better. (Who remembers Al holding up a sign for the address to the show so that Complaint Letters could be sent?) Fun rediscovery!

The Night Before Christmas in Wonderland

We watched this with the kids on Prime and found it charming… with rhyming script and clever twists in the plot, even the parents joined in watching and it didn’t feel tired or overdone.

Eating/Drinking

Aldi’s Peppermint Oreos

Adding peanut butter chips for Reese’s Brownies seems to be our Christmas treat of choice this year– delicious!

Bigelow Peppermint Bark Tea is absolutely delicious!

The biggest hit of the year is the London Fog. We make piping hot Earl Grey tea, add Stevia for sweetness, and a splash of cream. A close second is Aldi’s perfect, creamy Egg nog!

I promise we are not just consuming treats. >:0)

Linking

Kimberly Phinney~ especially this post on the Magnificat, and Anne Lamott have wonderful substacks

Listening

The treadmill to the tune of lots of Christmas carols

I hope this recap finds you well. Forgive me for mixing the year-end recap with my monthly recap. I hope it wasn’t too confusing! God bless!

Are you hurting or suffering this Christmas season? For some, the fact that Christmas lasts 12 days officially (or Christmastide) makes it even harder to squirm through the pain of what you are facing.

I get that. I’ve been through the worst Christmases imaginable because of the ravages of divorce. The repercussions are still with us. And Wintertime blues are a real thing. I have my happy light to prove it! (cue: turning it on!) Sometimes it is a light bit of depression. We shuffle our feet, one in front of the other, as we go from activities, to chores, to various routines throughout the day and evening and night. Sometimes, as I experienced three years ago, our suffering is drastic, dramatic, and life-changing.

What happens when you make it out of trauma, even though you’re another year older? I am thankful for every moment. I am deeply, immensely grateful for every blessing and gift. I’ve been acutely, intensely, profoundly hurt by my divorce, and the answer is: You never lose the trauma, those random triggers like dodging bullets to the chest… though it does fade. For so long, I didn’t want to be the one who thinks my suffering is worse than others, the one who can’t stop talking about her trauma. But I have gained courage from others willing to expose their wounds, and I think it is so important to be honest.

When I shared my Politics series teaser with my husband, he encouraged me to share the gospel more on my substack. He said (essentially): “We need more posts out there that simply share the truth of Christ’s work on the cross, stating that we have been redeemed and forgiven of our sins. ” Truly, his work has set us free! That is what this post is for. Christmas is about the gospel.

Christmas has profound messages to the hurting and suffering ones among us. I am writing this for the girl who was bummed and hurt, devastated three years ago. I’m writing this for the person who has lost everything. I am writing this for the person who feels hopeless today. I’m writing this for the person who wants to give up, who is tired and down-and-out today. I’m writing this for the elderly, or disabled, which according to my research is about 40% of the population. I think suffering touches us all. Christmas is here to declare the following:

1. We are not alone– Emmanuel is here!

2. We are taken care of– God’s got this!

3. We are profoundly loved – despite our scars!

4. Prayer is real– these times spent on our knees have real-life consequences!

Don’t give up on God, because despite your thinking, au contraire– He hasn’t given up on you. I see a lot in pop culture today hyping the cynicism of church. The 2021 movie Church People (55% rotten tomatoes score, I highly recommend avoiding it, ha) sets us up for a redemptive storyline, but it touts a sad, lost view of (mega)churches today, making the cynical claim that they’re only about gimmicks and the next marketing scheme. What we need today isn’t more pessimism and distrust of Jesus and his people. We need for religion to come back to the public sphere.

What is Christmas about? I love the second stanza below. Christmas can be a trigger, unfortunately. For me, my darkest day was the day I spent Christmas alone. My Mom sent me a Christmas package, and it was like spotting a buried treasure in the snow, my one beacon of hope in an otherwise hopeless situation. It doesn’t have to be that way. If that’s you, or someone you know, let’s reverse it today. Surround those who are lonely, down-and-out, or for some reason as miserable as I was 3 years ago.

And listen to this song: Every single heart can have this joy at Christmas time, no matter what.

The answer according to Charles Wesley:

Cue:

Come, thou long expected Jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee.

Israel’s strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.