My sobs were cemented into a quiet Brooklyn neighborhood this time last year. Hunched over, I hurled my disgust and disappointment into the cracked sidewalk. Since then, the spirit of Justice has cradled me as if I were her kin.

There’s no simple way to explain the horror of finding out that my first t4t relationship was with a rapist. The complexities deepen when once hidden timelines reveal that I nurtured him as he sat in the consequences of his vile behavior. He would lay in my bed watering my pillowcases with dishonesty and I would hold him too close. I was excited to experience the depths of our Black trans romance, unaware of the violent details of his past relationship. I shared my transitioning body with him believing it was the safest pleasure I’d experience; I thought I struck gold. Now I am processing a year and a half of manufactured consent. There is no way I would have been with him had I known he assaulted and displaced a Black femme.

No way in hell.

By the time his trespasses were disclosed to me I was no stranger to his violence. Just the day before, I was screamed at for not inviting him dancing the night prior. It made me sick to know that just a few days after assaulting his other partner again he still had more vitriol for me. I was confused about where his burst of anger came from as I always was. My self harming panic attacks started with him berating me in a park for an hour; being mistreated by him made me claw at my skin and gasp for air. He cried into my hair and apologized as I rocked back and forth, my body turning on itself. Going home, I fell asleep on his shoulder exhausted.

Despite the pattern of emotional, physical, and psychological harm I thought my relationship was amazing for a while. There was never much time to consider how ridiculous the relationship was because there were always tears and sweetness to fill the confusing gaps. The reality of his behavior would initially feel simple and close. I remember being shoved into a stack of banana crates on a fun night out. One moment we’re laughing and joking, the next I’m stumbling and laughing through the awkwardness of being yelled at and assaulted in public.. apologizing for “pushing” him when I laughed. I never understood the split second he’d decide that I was no longer his saccharine boy, but a nuisance and a target.

It’d be clear that his actions were cruel and too big for context but then he’d tell me how hard it is for him to be traumatized and in love and he just wants to be good. I understood feeling broken and too misshapen to be loved so I became a refuge for his insecurities. I suppose I didn’t connect that my trauma didn’t make me cruel and violent, but he held them as his symptoms. He’d cry, apologize, and treat me like a prince with acts of service, poetic musings and praise, gratitude, etc. It really supported the functional freeze I experienced being with him; it was okay that I was too emotionally tortured to cook and clean since he’d do it. He’d come to all of my gigs and performances like a dutiful lover but now I wonder if his constant presence was for the sake of control. Everything looks and feels different being removed from it.

I only knew Justice as a concept before all of this. I was passionate about humanity and also incredibly naive about what repair meant. “Community” made being around alleged reformed abusers seem normal. I spent a lot of time over those two years actively talking about the confusion I had around restorative justice. It seemed like there were never clear answers on how or why an abuser was reintegrated into community spaces but we silently submitted to the dominant force of manufactured consent. I have a lot of regrets in hindsight. I should have asked more survivor/victim centered questions. “How did xyz get reintegrated back into this space?” genuinely does not hit as hard as “Has anyone spoken to the person they harmed? What ongoing support have they asked for? Did they express a desire to share social spaces with this person?” So much energy is put into the restoration of abusers who have mastered the art of extraction while victims are forced to isolate and oftentimes holistically starve.

The concept of Justice put me in a lot of danger following my relationship with an abuser. Once we both ended our respective relationships with him we spent two months trying to understand how to get him help. We kept quiet about his actions and clung to each other as we barely had life in us, and still we gathered to center his recovery. I didn’t block him in case he needed me for anything because he had to be suffering to have hurt us so badly.. right? We didn’t recognize how dangerous this was until he made an attempt on his life and reached out to both of us in a group message.

“hey idk if yall care to know but i attempted kms on friday by taking a shit ton of pills n tbh im not sure it won’t happen again. but im at the hospital being monitored”

We didn’t reply, as his enabling mother had already told us in an attempt to have us show up for him despite everything. When we didn’t come to support him we were ghosted by her. Our lack of response earned me a slew of angry texts from him. He wondered if I hated him THAT much to ignore him on his deathbed. I wish I had said Yes. Instead, I offered him kindness he didn’t deserve.

“kaizer, you know, and i know that you know i love you so deeply. i wish our reality was a case of me hating you and deciding to move on with my life. you hurt me, BADLY. you hurt —, WORSE! i can’t be there for you because of that. i want you to live, more than anything i do. i want you to get help, i want you to get better, and i want you to be better. im so hurt, im disappointed, and im so fucking angry at you. i cant be sweet to you with all of the ways i feel, and you arent even able to receive sweetness from me, remember? please spend time getting better. spend time sitting with all of the ways the world has hurt you, and how you’ve channeled that. i hope with all my heart you see this through, but i cant hold that possibility with bated breath. your life is your decision. i have to heal my hurts, be with my wounds. i love you, even if you dont want to receive it. you hurt me kaizer, in a cycle. you shouldnt want my presence when you know you cant assure me you wont continue to hurt me because you love me, right? please get better. im going to block you after this, and im hoping you can still receive it with an open heart.”

Blocking him created the space needed to realize he really had us fucked up. The more time we spent supporting each other, the more treachery and lies were revealed. He created two different worlds between the three of us to ensure the abuse we both faced didn’t get clear enough for us to notice. He’d take his made up anger from our relationship to harm her, blaming his violence on conflicts we didn’t have. He’d paint a nasty picture of me so that she wouldn’t trust me either. Luckily, in spending time together it became clear that the common denominator to all of this chaos was him. We have spent a full year piecing together truths that were hidden from us intentionally.

Justice as a concept asks what we can do for him. The terror.

Justice the spirit blessed me with weaponry and told me to lock the door behind her. She rallied the best people I know to keep me alive while memories have haunted my days and nights. Justice the spirit makes sure I do not forget whose fault this all is, swats self blame away from me like smoke. She’s hand sewn me a coin purse to accept the generosity of others, forcing my hands to extend towards life. She ushered my unknown enemies away from the intimacy of my grief. She guides my hands into cool water, mint, rose.. she reminds me that I have always been an alchemist.

I have felt her rage for those misusing her name. She made me her son and cleared my throat to venerate her namesake. Can anyone hear me screaming at the top of my lungs? My voice has felt snuffed out or secretly regarded and I still don’t think I am loud enough.

It is Kaizer’s 29th birthday today and I have been consistently uncertain on if I’d make it to my 28th. Abuse can take everything from you before you recognize anything leaving. Even as my sense of self returns there’s a huge gap where my friends and community used to be. I wonder if my grief was repulsive. I wonder if one day they’ll silently welcome him back too.

Bits and Pieces is all I have. Notes app reflections, journal entries + sometimes a witness.

TW: abuse/violence/SA

“Every time he got mad he would just completely demolish your character… His anger was like a dog that had to pee to make sure to mark it’s territory everywhere.. He peed on everything basically.” (witness)

The day prior to finding out that my (ex) boyfriend was a serial abuser we got into an argument. His birthday was in a few days and we were going camping. He picked a fight with me that made no sense.. a slew of disrespectful texts and a phone call that would make me jump out of my skin from just his volume. This was the normal that we had sank into; he harms and I coach him through repair with me as he cries. This time, we didn’t make it to that part.

August 4, 2025

im afraid that if i kneel before my altar i may ___. should i lay my heaviest burden down i will be but a body,.

August 7, 2025

i think too much of being well.

i am not being well.

i am in bed, thinking too much of being well.

August 27, 2025

i cannot let white supremacy take God from me

if i am speaking to be true, i feel its cancerous weight obstructing the flow of source

i shake and jump to let it fall

Does anyone know what it’s like to dissect and ground politics of restorative justice when your abuser is twisting the knife? What about when you realize theres only cops and bystanders?

September 24, 2025

you asked you answered

“how could anyone be mean to YOU?”

— a sequence of how the curious has been mean to me

It’s not everyday that my therapist looks me in my face with sorrow etched onto hers to confirm that I have in fact been in an abusive relationship for almost two years.

October 22, 2025

it’s not difficult for me to be overcome with the feeling of being an unnecessary presence. an unnecessary body,

even if i am there to be of service. i think of myself too much. i fear that my abuse has made me much too self involved. i never really wanted to think of myself so much. at my core, im simple. i enjoy wandering (internally mostly, externally as well), moving slowly, simple bright meals, tender firm touch from loved ones, and my spiritual practice. i enjoy being simple, it feels grounding. i think so much of the versions of me that have suffered greatly (all of them).

December 14, 2025

the bronx bound 2 train gives me anxiety now

December 19, 2025

i want to let my phone die

leave it that way

leave my ears in my jewelry box

leave my mouth shut

Is it sexual assault when your partner doesn’t disclose he r*aped someone 3 months before you started dating? I am so sad he was ever in my home. My mind was a tornado, the dust never settling. My first t4t romance a horror story. I met him at a magical place where Black trans people infused hope into my baby trans veins; a liar in a leather jacket. That place hasn’t held me like I thought it always would.

January 29, 2026

i am mourning the reality where i do not survive

where my dying eyes becomes a part of everyone’s shame

watch you all writhe in the sensuality of abandonment

where i continue being everyone’s favorite

ive decided to not swallow the blade

and you all have categorized it mutiny

my tongue still works my throat is unmarked by its edge and everyone is angry

now

now that truth has penetrated beyond the curtain of your niceties

you are angry that the record has scratched

your flags of liberalism have turned red white and

i was blue for so long the moon began to call me her child

wrapped me tight in her arms with all of the ether alike

February 23, 2026

i would like to know myself better than i know my abusers.

May 16, 2026

although i have made it to the other side i am still afraid of what talking about him would do to me

I don’t know how to talk about being abused but I know that the more I do the lonelier i become. I feel rushed to move on after the gossip has died down. I feel like I am losing everything for letting everyone know that I have been drowning.

“Why didn’t you fight back?” I meant it when i fell in love. There was no part of me anticipating trickery until the sting of his slap and the burn of his venom had already rendered me his to conquer.

Divined by me, transcribed by Bunny <3

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SAGITTARIUS, this month speaks to what is necessary for you to feel fulfilled. When things begin to slow down, it leaves us with empty space to recognize where we land when things are quiet. The external no longer serves as a shield to what weighs on your heart and spirit.

Being no stranger to finding your footing in movement, travel, beauty, partying, and other exciting places where your confidence can soar; this month puts a spotlight on ways these practices have begun to fall a little flat in keeping your vitality strengthened. This creates space to consider what other practices can lead to breakthrough. This, allows your relationship to excitement and lighthearted activities feel more, well, lighthearted.

Feeling your vitality shift when you are fire embodied is disorienting, but also an opportunity to reach deeper. To find flow within, you must acknowledge what grievances may be damming your path. This creates wider pathways for flow, and a stronger foundation for freedom and pleasure to thrive. The Herbcrafter’s Tarot beckons with “Come home to pleasure, power, and passion.” And this month assists you in discovering how home can benefit from a bit more attention.

If you find yourself feeling defeated , know that spirit is showing you an opening; a life where you don’t have to run to be free. Where delight is plenty, but so is inner intimacy and connection. The gift of this depth is a more embodied self; for some of you, a better leader.

Sagittarius, invest less on external excitement, and become more aligned with your inner fire. The only way through, is inward.

“..we find the Way to Spirit in movement, action, living for the joy of living.” -Seventy Eight Degrees of Wisdom

This means we dance, play, and put our faces to the sun because we are alive. Running keeps these things from being a life force, and they begin to become life force threatening. As we know, a beating heart isn’t the sole indicator of aliveness.

So, lets return. Let’s relocate the truth you incarnated with, not the one you’ve been traumatized into. The work of reaching beyond what has hurt you affirms that you are returning. You are journeying to feel more like yourself again. You don’t have to compromise your movement, your sphere of fire, to honor the deepest portions and parts of you. Those are the deepest parts. This is where you find joy in creation, curiosity, and pleasure. Connecting to your core ensures that your sacred fire doesn’t become a wildfire. It ensures that these life saving tools won’t become a point of contention. You can soften without compromising self.

Lean deeper into gratitude and toward the things/people that naturally soften you. Soften may feel uncomfortable to someone who has found home in the middle of fires, but remember that warmth softens. Think of the way muscles relax in the heat of jacuzzi. You are not a monolith, even though you’d like that simplicity sometimes. “Delicate blossoms ripen into succulent fruit.” Oh yes. “Let yourself be immersed in the waters of life, touched by grace... wash away the heat of negativity and disharmony.” The Herbcrafter’s Tarot calls upon the intimacy and cooling of biting into a succulent peach during a hot, summer day. See, balance is sweet. You’re coming into actualizing what it means to be yourself in full. You are taking stock of what does align and what doesn’t quite feel like you anymore.

What grounds you in your circumstances? How are you getting by? How do you carry it? How do you show up through discontent, sadness, boredom and heartbreak? You are in a room of mirrors, but good thing you’re really good at seeing whats really there. Be present and aware of the ways you naturally navigate transition, so your toolbox can be up to date.

Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand deck, Fox warns “Put that healing work in or you run the risk of your pain running you. Working with ancestors and culturally competent healers- break from habits, situations and people holding you back from wholeness.” The result of this benefits greatly.

Practice honoring who you are; partake in pain and shedding rituals. You are building something, and it will be great. Make sure you’re whole when you arrive there. Congratulations in advance! Gratitude along the journey will strengthen whatever you’re building and working toward. You have an opportunity to bask in this honesty and let it move you. Let it open opportunity for you, let it create joy in your life. Processing what hurts will not endanger the program.

Spirit is showing you where you’ve been, what you’ve been doing, and what can and will shift. Shame is not helpful here, nor will be the counting of time you “wasted”.

Come back to yourself now. Wiggle your fingers and open your eyes gently; be gentle with yourself. Allow space to be clear about the many blessings around you. Take extra time appreciating the beauty on your path to work, in your home, within you.

tools: (makeup/sex/masturbation/art-making/sensory play/stargazing/water/swimming/peaches/mint/tulsi/damiana)

CAPRICORN, spirit is calling you to make sure that what’s present internally is tangibly creating a smooth journey for you ahead. April is about creating the best possible conditions for you to move forward.

You are becoming embodied in what has been nurtured internally. You’ve found out what occurs when you dare to look at yourself with intensity and compassion. Something powerful happens when you think you’re lost forever, only to find the version of yourself you’ve dreamed about. You find that every murky memory isn’t there to wound you, some are there to remind you. When you feel there is only you and your fears, the wind blows and you are caressed once again. The High Priestess shows up in your reading to affirm that the depths you’ve been in are necessary, and beyond necessary, they are a gift. She shows up to remind you that you are not the first in your lineage to be wounded by isolation, grief, and disconnection. There are internal blueprints available to aid you, and you will be better for it. Within the home of The High Priestess, you are also met with intuited possibility. This time will communicate the things that had only served as elusive whispers until now. Hold onto this sacred communication as your medicine. Allow it to move you through the silence of knowing.

“The mystery summons the awakening one. Answer the call.. healing is sure to come once your visions are acknowledged.” -The Herbcrafter’s Tarot

It’s hard to move forward if you are not honoring your beliefs. The Four of Air shows up curiously; have you been spending intentional time with yourself and meditating on it? Are you giving yourself enough space to be in the know. To have this clarity, this open road, trust has to be central. Your fear cannot lead the way when your intuition has already mapped it all out. Spirit says to call in more peace; less destruction, and less of what you are afraid of. This could also serve as a time to really understand what faith means to you. It can even be fortifying to send your prayers into the wind, roots of the trees, wherever you feel God. This isn’t a time to fear divinity, as you are led by it.

Even in the warmth of divinity we can fear the mountains in front of us. The delays may begin to be the first thing visible to you these days. You aren’t meant to ignore them in order to prove your unwavering faith- you get silent, listen, and move.

Grandma Baby’s Tarot grounds us, “Either in time, by skilling up or waiting it out, you will eventually start to make progress again. This obstacle has come to teach you that if you’ve been stubborn to change or trapped in a particular mindset, it’s time to shift gears. Meditate, recalibrate, build and rebuild. Think outside of the box and detach from your old expectations.”

When you are in process of figuring things out, tweaking and moving things around, spirit shows that there is forward movement. You have been preparing for a newness, even when you searched for familiarity. The Star is here as a soft, soft, soooft reminder that the circumstances you are experiencing now are not going to continue for much longer. There is brightness that is coming to replace the void of depression, isolation, or anxiousness you’ve endured.

It’s crucial to leave the discouraging and fear based rhetoric behind. You have been blessed with the truth of what is possible. You must move from there.

“Who decided the snake was a trickster and a devil. Who gets the power to tell our stories? Before our indigenous culture was demonized- before it was forced underground to protect us from violence— Ancestors were thriving by it for thousands of years. And by reuniting with our loving ancestors we gain clarity about shame that was never ours to carry. We get to hear their stories as they were meant to be told. Generally this card asks, are you a threat, or are they threatened?.. Who stands to gain from your disempowerment?” -Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand deck.

There are a lot of questions to ask when Snake comes up. Snake is warning you to be cautious about what slithers within your garden without you knowing. Whether or not it is a friend or a foe. Are these patterns here to keep you or to kill you? This energy is akin to The High Priestess; what do you make of what you see/feel/hear/etc? Even if it is only visible to you. This allows you to see the unseen within what is right in front of you.

You are handling, shedding and reprogramming based on the clarity you found by being brave.

Let this be the elevation you needed; who knows, there may be an easier way up that mountain.

Support yourself with mugwort/cacao/lavender/calendula/detachment/meditation/prayer/silence/purple/mood-lighting

Divined by me, transcribed by Bunny <3

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LIBRA, this is a month of depth, spice, lasting flavor, and movement. Who you are can become a glamoured forcefield, fed by a will to be carried by values & passion. Displaying who you are, who you truly are, seems to have been the missing piece. Do not be afraid to let your rage, excitement, and inner fire take the reins. The themes of your life are quickly journeying to something more expansive and involved. Your experience within the next several months is a testament to your will. With a glowing belly, you’re finding your passion again; your fire. Allow your steps to rumble this month.

As if someone turned a light switch on, you are re-energized to be engaged in what heats your core. The ways you have shown up out of habit and perceived obligation are laid to rest.. if you’re brave. This month, it becomes clear where we find ourselves out of alignment. The Mice card swept out of Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand deck..”you may be feeling or acting out of alignment- in pursuit of short term satisfaction, external approval, or to avoid doing the necessary work. The irony is that it will take more work to repair the resulting harm..Act quickly to resolve conflict and prevent further losses. Communicate honestly to clear up misunderstandings and pain. Lastly, forgive yourself. Running from yourself harms everyone involved.” With little to no time to grieve the simplicity of hiding or drifting, you are granted an opportunity to reengage with what really matters to you. Not always external, this could illuminate internal struggle with connection and confidence.

What essence is left behind when you exit a room? Is it akin to the essence you leave threaded into your bed sheets? Your journal? Is it you?

The way home for you, is through sacred adornment, pleasure, rage, swift action, and connection. Honor the glamour your life needs to sustain you, and those around you. Connecting to what is deep within you does not require you to disconnect from your Venusian birthright, as this is what protects you. Identify your signature scent, textures, patterns.. allow them to armor you and enlighten you.

You’re gifted opportunities to be involved with the deeper, more hidden aspects of self now. How can you nourish those parts of you? Coax them into a brighter, more sustainable place? The temptation to burrow under cover, and find solace in what is comfortable may show itself; how can we engage with affirming methods that inspire action and change? It’s not necessary to spend time feeding shame, either.

“The Curandera of Water flows through life with ease. She neither hides her feelings or lets them overtake her...She makes time for daily rituals that bring deep healing. She washes away inner turmoil as she cleanses and bathes.. People are drawn to her open heart and comforting embrace. Her counsel brings a sense of calm and wellbeing.” The Herbcrafter’s Tarot offers insight into what is necessary to keep a cool head, to feel without drowning. If your fear surrounding your call to leadership, connection, or confidence surrounds the magnitude of feelings that dare to drown.. know that you are spiritually held by your most empathetic ancestors. Trust your ability to ease through uncharted waters.

Forward motion, Libra. This month does not have to be trying, as it is illuminating. You may surprise yourself!

While this month requires flexibility and strength, you may feel ready to take on a more spontaneous reality. You may feel in flow with the cosmic call to action, making things easier than you imagine! This is all about who you already are, so there isn’t a need for a shovel or search.

“Your success, your survival in the face of ongoing oppression is not happenstance; it’s work. In today’s world, “luck” is evidence either of proximity to spirit through practice, or proximity to colonial power as privilege (or both)” - Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand Deck

I am excited to see how your life changes. I am excited to see what opportunities you accept in the spirit of returning to yourself. The world is full of possibility and it will be clear which openings are meant for you. If you do not see the opportunities, create them from imagination and pull them from the sky.

The cost of not honoring what calls to you, impacts more than you may have imagined. No pressure though, you are equipped and guided by your elevated lineage.

(cinnamon/damiana/mint/seaweed/cedar/daydreaming/travel/twerking)

SCORPIO, splash some water over your face, and pat your neck with cool water. This month is one of clarity, harder truths, and space made. There are heavy themes of reciprocity and balance being illuminated in your world. Examine your relationship to giving & receiving, knowing that you are not yet a master at either.

The Herbcrafter’s Tarot offers, “ When you hear the call to explore the depths, you may have several paths to pursue. Look for the common root in your many desires and clear out unhealthy illusions.” In the pursuit of a life that feels holistically supportive, it’s important to avoid extreme polarities. This clarity comes through in the honest work of self reflection. The hard truth you’re facing this month is about the dominant position you take in regards to mental, physical, and emotional exchange with others. This position can take shape as not putting yourself in positions to receive, or having trouble truly seeing outside of yourself within relationship to honor what you could give.

The truth is, it is super easy to create (false) narratives to fit the deficit you may feel, or the ways you’ve been made to feel in the past.

..One day all them bags gon’ get in your way..

So Scorpio, you are being tasked with the transformation work of understanding what your baggage is looking like, so you can identify what needs repurposing and what should be indefinitely thrown out. Your choices this month inform what the rest of this year will look like, and beyond that, it impacts who you are becoming.

“Your capacity for love is limitless...New experiences can cause a wellspring of feelings. Open your heart to spiritual guidance. A simple, compassionate approach to a surge of emotions can have the most meaning.” & “Be willing to experience life as a beginner. Be a pioneer.”

As you are faced with your own worn out ways of viewing reciprocity and love, you begin to see openings to have a different fate than the one you are used to. You get the chance to measure love in alignment to your soul and spirit, rather than your wounding.

Polarizing statements such as, i never get what i put out in relationships or all people want to do is take from me! takes you out of full visibility. Challenge yourself to say what you mean, and nothing more. I never get what I put out in relationships can take a simple shift into I don’t feel seen or heard lately in my relationship.

This can be less catastrophic, honors your experience, and gives you openings to be curious about more than yourself. Without a similar practice, you run the risk of becoming neglectful, selfish, or even overbearing.

Imagine, what does radical care and reciprocity look like? What happens when you begin to clearly name the deficits present without coloring them to soothe or affirm you?

Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand deck speaks of foundations.. “The House warns of where we’ve built on top of weak foundations, and left others out in the cold. In all that you are working to create and build, consider who you are building it for. At whose expense? Consider the values and principles your life is built on. Will they stand up to the test of time?”

Honoring your blindspots elevate your outcomes and affirm your values as truth. “In our ancestors’ dreams, families were reunited. Justice was served. Black folks were safe. Joy was abundant. We aren’t yet living in the world they imagined for us; but we are closer because of their imagining. And we draw it closer still by taking time to dream it... Are you regularly escaping boundaries of this reality, into one where we can all be free?” (Moon)

There is infinite space for you to imagine what it looks like to feel seen, cared for, and thought of. There is also infinite space for you to imagine how you can create those feelings now for others and yourself. Spirit is calling you to be thoughtful.

Wisdom from The Herbcrafter’s Tarot affirms .. “Lead with a bold, kind heart. Courage dwells in the soft spirit. Meet adversity with inner fire. Cultivate reliable habits that enhance vitality. Step into your power, but remember a compassionate approach is powerful.” .. “Knowing what keeps you bound can set you free. Let awareness awaken the power of choice. Wake up and choose transformation.”

If it feels most comfortable to shift blame, see the ways that white supremacy impacts these themes. This does not take away from our responsibility to be accountable to ourselves, loved ones, and community; it gives us understanding of how deeply rooted violence can show itself in our everyday. When “being gentle with ourselves” is not the Justice necessary, we much be brave enough to be anchored in vulnerable truth and accountability.

find support in: garlic/honey/cannabis/blackberries/plantain/water/honesty/community/mutual-aid

thank you for taking the time to engage! if this resonates and you feel called to tip, it’ll always be appreciated <3

$clouduncovered/@clouduncovered

Divined by me, transcribed by Bunny <3

LEO, 4 of earth (willow) + 7 of earth represented by oak. Willow is in reverse, illuminating scenarios of scraping by, crunching numbers, and biting your nails waiting for a shift. Something firm and solid is taking shape. This has been being crafted by your own hands, and the authority of spirit. Your abundance, your safety and stability is being shifted in new ways. You’re being divinely positioned. There is an opportunity to stand in some shade as you continue to build. Are you willing to loosen your grip? Will you accept that things are different?

Things changing, even positively, doesn’t always illicit confidence or “good” feelings. There has been so much tension and struggle that it may take time to lean into your shift in circumstances. Spirit says stand your ground. Stand on what you know needs nurturing, stand in your own fire. You are not going unnoticed. The flavor and essence of who you are will always come through and be recognized, even when you fight against it. In April you’re doing the vulnerable work of letting your guard down a bit. Be willing to push yourself to the front of the line so you can be received the way you’re meant to. The Death card comes in to give you space to honor and grieve what has happened, what you’ve lost, even where you just were. This is an embodied choice you can make, rather than waiting for circumstances to become straining once again.

There is an affirmation in your will to grieve, that waters all that you’ve been planting. You’re being positioned for something strong, and stable. Its imperative that within this there isn’t a lot of space to hold onto “before”

The Herbcrafter’s Tarot says, “Take time to gather your resources respectfully and carefully; tend them well. Create space to preserve what you have gained... Be as generous in sharing your gifts as your teachers have been with you..Have faith in your work. The fruits of your labor will last beyond your lifetime. Look to the pace of nature for guidance. The seasons will give you direction.”

This time will highlight the ways money, resources, and physical safety have impacted you. As you soothe what feels tense and resistant, affirm that what you have experienced isn’t clarity for the rest of your life. Remain steady in your word, and your work. Trust the incoming harvest.

The potential roadblocks come down to a refusal to claim your sovereignty. Not allowing your relationship to self, spirit, purpose, and the world to shift. A lot has to be severed and processed. “You don’t get old by being weak.” It is done. The past circumstances are being buried and there is no use in sleeping at it’s grave. To protect what has yet to come to harvest you must prepare, you must make room.

This month requires presence. This is not a time to look so far in the future that you aren’t privy to what needs your attention now. Devotion and gratitude conjure lasting, sturdy results. Be mindful of the ways fear can throw us out of alignment, not to invalidate, but to respond in truth. “Give every task before you the gift of your full attention.” Dive deep into the intimacy of passion, promise, and self respect. Make sure there is room for it.

The Lover’s card affirms this call to passion, to loving, and marrying; follow through and faith. It invites you to the dance floor, it invites you to close the distance. It highlights your choices, and shows you what is possible. There is freedom in choosing what honors your heart.

Justice offers, “Seek the truth, make informed decisions, and consider the consequences of your actions. The personal is political.”

It is that serious, Leo. Be against self betrayal, allow integrity to be fortified with self.

Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand deck challenges, “Even when we pull the same cards, even when we see the same signs over and over again..in the face of overwhelming evidence we may be tempted to burrow under the covers, draw the curtains and shut it all out. The truth takes courage, doesn’t it? Can you be brave?” whew.

Who are you; beyond and through what others may see? How does this impact who you become?

Honor what you have survived. Honor what wants to come of it. Alchemize. Free yourself!

restore with

tea/cinnamon/conjuring/turmeric/mint/weed/cloud watching/prayer

VIRGO, it does matter how you arrive, how you decide to journey through, even if there is gold at the end of this path. You’re having to face the conditions you’re in. The ‘further’ you get within the journey, the more ache becomes apparent. To you, this is the requirement of greatness, abundance, and of victory. April highlights the importance of traveling in humane conditions.

There is so much you require of the future; your goals, dreams, and past failures all wisp around your head beckoning you further away from what stands in to nourish you. Momentum becomes sacred when you intentionally soften your conditions along the way.

Your “future” begins to look different as you push, stretch, and march your way through. The air around your talks of victory no longer carries lightness, and you begin to question your alignment. There is nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy the journey, in fact, it ensures that there is one. The impact of full speed ahead and by any means necessary begins to crackle around, and within you. How will you respond to your body’s plea to slow down and regroup? How will you speak life into your spirit as you silence your vessel?

Spirit says that your journey does not require this much suffering. Easy does it, truly. Do not lose yourself in your ascent. Your ancestors have already been impacted by lifetimes of ignoring aches, emotions, and intuition. The stories of humanity sacrificed was not a tool, but a testimony. One that does not need your name on it. Understand that your journey is your purpose. Who and what you connect with along the way, the discoveries you make about yourself, the land and others.. this is all divine order. This is your purpose. To truly experience the journey you’re on.

How can you shift the way you engage with your purpose? There is so much you desire, that you could experience on the way if you are present for it. There is not a big bang that will catapult you into greatness, but a true embodiment of flow and follow through. What shifts when your wariness is met with soothing coos, hydration, and perhaps a sit down? What shifts when you are not the sole person responsible for several different roles? True momentum happens when we immerse ourselves within the heart of our purpose. Be mindful of finding yourself in a different location with the same baggage. It is not enough to say you’ve made it, especially if you arrive in bits and pieces.

You are being lured toward ease. You are being called to align with practices that are unlike your suffering. Unlike what has pained you. Spirit is telling you there needs to be a different way. A different marker of success than your pain and fatigue. If you are in an initiatory place and navigating lack of clarity or excitement - it might be a call to fine tune your understanding of success, progress, and victory.

April says “at what cost??”

Do not ignore the heaviness of your bones, or the fog in your mind. Pay attention to the dimming of passion. You have a beautiful opportunity to rewrite your success story with beauty, whimsy, collaboration, and play. In The Herbcrafter’s Tarot, Strength card affirms “Gentle healing builds resilience..Courage dwells in the soft spirit. Meet adversity with inner fire.. Cultivate reliable habits that enhance vitality”

Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand deck gave you this wisdom of Tree and Rider. This is a clear, yes begin! ALSO, do invite in what is harmonious; align with grace rather over grit. Move with an air of temperance, because now you can. “Tree is harmony with the land and all her spirits. Remember: Mother Earth is also an altar. Have you heard the stories in this soil? Before you take, do you ask for permission? Do you give thanks?… Myths of scarcity were designed to separate us from our mother, but love can never loose its way home.”

The way we go about taking things from the earth and taking things from ourselves is influenced by white supremacy. Resist the urge to cling to familiarity and majority. You are an extension of this land. How do you show respect to that? How do you show respect to yourself and the communities around you? Before you take action make sure you are clear on your intentions. Be certain that your actions are aligning. Its time to confirm that what you are working on supports your highest good.

support for this season

honey/garlic/rest/meditation/collaboration/play

Divined by me, transcribed by Bunny <3

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GEMINI, (Bunny’s sign :3) Aries season invites Deity inspired care practices to enter the chat. This is a moment for you to tend not only to your heart, but your heart’s desires. You’ve moved beyond the initial grueling effects of processing grief, old wounds, and feeling a lack in love; and are being beckoned to move beyond contentedness. Spirit beckons you to move from being content to being supple, as this is the time to lean into the very sensational aspects of your heart’s desires.

What does it mean to embody abundance? What is lush? Fertile? Juicy, FAT and fed? You, Gemini. You are being called to honor your senses and desires. Be confident enough to ask for them- to demand them. To feast from life’s harvest, you must get to know your hungers-- even the one’s that show up after dinner. There is heat & spice you are being called to honor with Madre of Fire in reverse. It feels like there is a denial of what it is you want & what it is you fantasize about. The empress, represented by the rose in The Herbcrafter’s Tarot says, “Roses uplift the spirit and inspire love. Embody sensuality in bold, vibrant ways. Let creativity and abundance flourish around and within you. Wild roses are prolific, creating food, medicine, and shelter for all who encounter them.”

April is simply, and boldly, a month of pleasure for you. A divinely immersive time. That is going to require a lot of rethinking and reconsidering the ways you view pleasure and bring awareness to it. Some of you haven’t considered what makes you feel and what you desire. How do you tap into the more sensual parts of life? Consider these questions without the dramatics of what you don’t deserve. What feeds the heart is pleasure being synced into your relationship to your body, and power without shame or burden.

This is not a time to pretend that you can only live in this supple and desirable time when you’ve lost something. Pleasure is not a filler, but a fulfiller. It does not have to consider deprivation. This season, we leave that in the past.

Reminiscing on how things were, in loop, disconnects you from your body. The loop centers fear. The five of water is calling you to be present with what is in front of you. What is forward, nourishing, and available to you. “Grief is a necessary part of healing. You may be lost in sorrow or depression, unable to move forward from a great loss. Allow your feelings to unfold.” It is time to move forward from this loss and allow your feelings to unfold. See what hope can be inspired from. A rejection, a break up, a missed connection, perhaps loneliness, can all generate hope and passion. You grieve and make more space. You already understand that hope creates possibilities for you. You nourish and you restore yourself over and over again. And that’s for the sake of you, your vitality and your desires.

“The Adelita of Earth is driven by the power of place...She explores nature’s bounty and creates practical but intuitive connections with the land. She is committed to an earth honoring spiritual path wherever she finds herself. She is in the service of nature without ego. She is realistic and hard working… Put a new spin on an old tradition. Ground your spirituality in practical ways. To honor your ancestors, honor the land.” Honoring the land is honoring the body; your body is also sacred earth. “Let tragedy nourish the soil of rebirth. Everything is food for growth. Be liberated by your acceptance of profound change...Once the first shock of profound change has passed, let new energy be released.”

What will nourish Gemini? Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand deck offers, “Heal. The Fox marks a transition into a new stage of your life, where you have been blessed with an increase in stability and safety. With more safety comes more space to heal. Put that healing work in, or you run the risk of your pain running you.”

Donna Summer I feel love is all in my head and body divining for you. Genuinely. Allow yourself to experience things deeply. It’s safe, you are safe to do that. “Broom. A popular end of year ritual for inviting new energy into your home— particularly that of abundance— is to sweep out all of the old that can no longer serve you, and we do this with the Broom. If you find yourself released from a situation or relationship, understand that this, too , was necessary for growth. Life is not some big event capped suddenly by death, but a series of deaths and rebirths, endings and beginnings designed to shape us and move us forward. To accept this — the natural and inevitable part release and loss. play will enrich your life.”

(dance/sing/stir up lighthearted banter/masturbate with intention to connect/leave the past behind u/goldenseal/rose)

CANCER, in April we are redefining what it means to trust yourself. You’re learning how to trust what is in front of you, coming to a true understanding. Spirit is wanting you to be clear; to cross your T’s and dot your I’s. This gives you the confidence to speak clearly, knowing that you have done research, and consulted with your inner wisdoms. This month may introduce some confusion, or simply illuminate what has been overlooked. Being clear means trusting, and being accountable to what has been presented to you. It is easy, on this journey, to focus on what is beyond the surface, ignoring what is staring you head on.

-- the remedy to that is trusting your ancestors/guides to do their part. being able to move along with your ideas, using your wisdom to support yourself and others.

Theres a serious request: for you to honor your mind and honor your voice.

Wake up Cancer, your life needs more of your participation, a bit more authority. If you are in a space of willful ignorance, denial, or avoidance, you run the risk of feeling the impact. There’s an essence of floating, where once it worked to keep you safe, or even steady. There is a responsibility to be present, to orient yourself in the now, and respond accordingly. You have had your time to reflect, space had been ample for you to make sense of the past, and the liminal spaces. What happens when both of your feet are planted, and your sword is sharpened?

Are there things you plan on signing? Commitments? Something you’re beginning or involved in needs your direct attention. This is a time to trust your thoughts, and speak when necessary. Speak when its time. Honor the gaps where the listening is necessary, and embodied.

This is a time of embodied understanding; not just saying i know in the spirit of ego, impatience, or frustration. What happens, is you get further from uncertainty and closer to clarity. Instead of being swayed by external noise, you become confident in your ability to make decisions and set proper boundaries within your life. The Herbcrafter’s Tarot, 4 of fire says “Honor the beings that guide the liminal spaces.” This is a gentle nudge to call onto your ancestors strengthened through advocacy, the practiced revolutionaries, the ones who didn’t take any shit. Your ancestors have experienced many ways of being and existing, now trust their wisdom and confidence. Know that this has been threaded into your being! You’re being called to find confidence in your voice; call onto your loud ancestors. Call onto your ancestors who used their voice as a weapon, a healing tool, to question/ask and maintain their role as a student. “Build a foundation that will sustain your work so you can create the life you desire.” It isn’t sustainable to move and wade through everything.. going day to day in a space of disconnect. Honoring truth, removing shame starts with allowing your voice to be used for full self-expression. “declare your truth loudly and without fear”.

Nothing truly moves until you consciously commit to being in truth and using your voice as necessary. The projects, commitments, and communities you’re in, need you there. Something you planted is coming to harvest which is beautiful and super timely. “You don’t get old by being weak. Have faith in your work. The fruits of your labor will last beyond a lifetime.”

Being in flow with the seasons, not taking that for granted, and honoring natural flow clear blockages. Things can be lighter, less daunting, less blocked. Take note on your increase of gas right now, this can indicate a need to release, speak, to avoid holding things in. Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand deck affirms, “Ring is a card of cycles, relationships, and contracts... you are here to break a cycle.” Honor what you’ve outgrown by releasing it! “Practice detaching your value to how others perceive you and treat you.. you’re more than what they’re capable of understanding.” *sirens in the background*

What needs to be observed, spoken, or held? Trust your instincts.

Find support in elderberry/mullein/mint/face steams/fire breathing/your voice.

divined by me, transcribed by my bunny <3

ARIES, there is a pivotal moment for you, where you have to decide what is worth nourishing with action. This is something that feels less like a sprint and more like a journey; something you must have the will to move into. There are untouched plans that are ready to be brought forward and seen through. The Chariot is granting you the will to do that, this option to go forth. It is a challenge that you are being met with, to commit to that. There is this essence of stalling and questioning and there is not much room for it.

The Herbcrafter’s Tarot says, “life is a forward moving gift, embark on a deeper quest, learn from ancient wisdom and forge a new path… Have faith in the experience, it is not the triumph but the journey that leads to mastery.” If you have already positioned yourself as a traveler on your journey, then there is something else to say what it feels like to be patient. To continue, to make decisions today, and to move today even if you don’t inherently get everything that you need immediately. This is not a time to second guess yourself. This is not a time to be passive or docile, to wait, to anchor ourselves into something that is not reliable. You must become reliable. You have the ability to strengthen your will. One step at a time as a daily practice.

This is no longer about making plans, or what you are capable of, this is about what you are willing to do. So now as we step into April, the biggest insight is getting clear on what you are willing to do. What it is and who it is that you are willing to become. I’m looking at your potential roadblocks and where you can yield and a big part of it is not considering your heart. Not considering what honors and nourishes the heart because there is this abundance you feel that only exists in the things that are practical. The Ace of Water in reverse is calling to you to bring your heart back into the picture and know that it will keep you safe. The things you create from your own heart will not forsake you, and theres a great opportunity to prove that to yourself by putting in the effort to put that narrative to shame. We have heard whispers from other people, we have experienced failure, we’ve seen things take time and that is really scary. But now we are in this space of rooting in the belief that what comes from the heart will be prosperous. The biggest roadblock can be not listening to yourself and being fully embodied with your desires. I feel its important to be clear on what it is you sacrifice when you play it safe? The reality is what you risk in playing it safe; not exercising your word, is not knowing what could happen when you are heart-centered or you-centered. You risk not knowing the euphoria of having your authentic self, passions, desires, dreams, and wishes be included in the work you’re putting in. This work, whatever you are being called towards, should speak to your heart and what you have been passionate about. Aries, go on, you have planned enough.

This is your season, the sun is shining on you and there’s no tangible reason not to see this through. What happens when things don’t burn quickly but they simmer, warm and heat. Theres access that you have that is not being honored the way your spirits know you can honor them. This is not the time to only do what you feel like doing, this is about finding your energy, BUILDING on your energy.

Tend to your body so that energy can be applicable. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating? Are you taking your vitamins? Are you taking your meds? Are you letting emotions flow through you? That’s how we gain back energy. That’s how we gain back life force energy so we can follow our path and experience the deepest desires of our hearts. That’s not optimism that is a formula. Spirit is asking you to operate in this formula. You pulled the sun card and these are the things that nourish you. In Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand , The Sun card says, “The sunlight is our way forward driving us closer to completion. It illuminates work that needs extra attention if we are to succeed. And highlights solutions we may have overlooked. If you have been lacking direction and drive you will soon feel a surge of inspiration and energy. The sun is charity and warmth, keep up the hard work, keep planting seeds. The sun will help you nourish them to full bloom.” And then you pulled snake, “Who decided the snake was a trickster and the devil? Who gets the power to tell our stories?… In reuniting with our loving ancestors, we gain clarity about shame that was never ours to carry. We get to hear their stories as they are meant to be told… Are you a threat? Or are they threatened? Knowing someone, somewhere, benefits from your shame, ask; who is benefiting from yours? Who stands to gain from your disempowerment? How have you become complicit in their cruel design? This journey of unlearning is long, but be willing to see it through— not just until its convenient for you.” The fool is at the bottom of the deck, Aries. Your outcome is genuinely in your hands and this is a point to be motivated purely by your will and values and what you know is possible.

If it was not possible your heart would not crave it so intensely. The empowerment that you feed will carry you through. It is definitely your responsibility to nurture it. This is how you ensure you are not aligning your path with the one the enemy created.

TAURUS, this month illuminates where you may be experiencing lack, and operating within a deficit. This is a moment when care shows up as a tangible energy. Sweetness has become less about a simple craving, and more about tending. Having this understanding settle, it is easy to look around and notice the gaps, and also the desire. Notice how these illuminations and hunger pains influence your mood and habits. This month Taurus it is VITAL to be honest about where you are not receiving enough, and what feels desolate. The six of earth appears in reverse to highlight where there is a lack of reciprocity. The imbalances you experience may illicit a response that becomes akin to shutting down, dishonoring your heart, and desire to be held. Focusing on what hasn’t happened, or what doesn’t happen or whatever sends you into a mental spiral takes you out of alignment with what truly nurtures and pleases you.

I am looking at where to heal (yield) and potential blockages you might have and the first card you pulled is the Emperor, following the Seven of Fire.

Not really putting effort into things is not the armor you need. Creating rituals of tender discipline and structure will help to push you forward. They allow you to experience deep grounding and embodied giving. The energy of giving from an empty, resentful place can be put to rest.

This month it will be important that you yield before the self deprecation, yield before you run the risk of discontent becoming chronic in relationship with yourself and others. The Emperor is telling you to lock in Taurus; there comes a time we must honor what we know to be true about what is possible, and ditch the pessimism that stems from being disappointed. The Star and The Lovers card comes through, which made me giggle! Even through all of that, the potential outcome affirms that things shift and things change. You find yourself in a lighter space, a space that does not choke you up or make you feel uninvited. or unwelcome and alone. It feels like you’re leaving this month with a lot of love and access to tenderness that doesn’t feel like it came out of nowhere. It feels like a clearing.

You’re clearing your sight, which shifts into “Woah, I have things that nurture me! I have people that love me, I have this person that loves and cares about me. I see that keeping myself on the defense does not make me feel safe or give insight either.”

Ignoring your own insight out of fear puts you in a space of deep confusion. I think it is important to understand that this is not a space that you deserve to be in, and I hope that is not a space you want to be in. You pulled the six of Earth, with wisdom from The Herbcrafter’s Tarot saying‍ ‍“Ground yourself in community, share your resources, your generosity will circle back to you.” This is calling you to recognize the bounty in your life and look for ways to share your bounty and abundance with others. There seems to be this blind spot in recognizing bounty, so it seems like it’s not much you can share.

Be honest about where you’ve started to mirror what has hurt you and what has made you feel disoriented in the past and now. The Herbcrafter’s Tarot says “Know your limits and respect them, proclaim your truth and walk out through the gate… What holds us back is not always clear. Are you feeling fenced in by the circumstances of your life? Staying isolated seems safe but...it can become a prison of your own marking. Know your limits; there is no shame in saying no. Constant internal dialogue may have silenced you, but your body can no longer hold that story inside.”

The Emperor, all about building strong boundaries, a sturdy structure. Spirit is asking you what can you honor that is required of you right now? This is not an all or nothing period for you. This is you easing out of a time, a moment, maybe a period of despair. This has not been all built by you Taurus, but it is sustained within your mind, creating a healthy ecosystem for overthinking and panic to continue.

Spirit is speaking to the direction you can take, the turns you can take to position yourself as someone available to this care, to this love. Seven of Fire says, “Ancestral traditions remind us of who we are,” so that is also something of remembering who you are. “Devotion to divine beings will deepen your connection...Stand up for who you are, claim your sovereign path.”

The Star “Your broken pieces contain the star of hope. Open your heart to grace. Be generous with your blessings.“

There is a lot of being generous in here. Spirit wants to be clear on the fact that the remedy to your pain is never to hold it all. To withhold. Continue to share knowing that embodied love will always come back to you. That there is no such thing as giving away too much love and care in the realm of embodiment. Extending love to other people is not a weakness. Extending care to other people is not a weakness. What is a weakness is holding onto what poisons. “Hope can be found in the darkest rooms, have faith and believe in possibility...You may not see it right away. Stay optimistic, close your eyes and listen to the sound of rushing river...Your wounds may run deep but wholeness still shines from within.” The Lover’s card affirms, “Give life to the fruits of divine union...Berries emerge from pollinated flowers and a partnership that feeds the bee and the tree. Relationships based on shared desires lead to sweet rewards... Take only what is yours only what fills you with joy.”

ooo, Testimony and Child. Spirit is speaking! (singing) Speaking. Testimony is in reverse. Grandma Baby’s Black Gold Lenormand deck offers “It is confirmation. important messages or long awaited confirmation is on its way to you so be ready to receive. Have you been waiting for a sign, a letter, or the results of consistent spiritual practice? It’s coming. Your prayers have been heard and actions have been taken to move circumstances in your favor, alternatively this may be the perfect moment to deliver your own message. To share your work and experience with others.” Child coos, “It is okay to be soft again, you’ve traveled long and far from who you were as a child. Pain has taught you to be mistrustful. Experience has made you afraid but your hope was dormant not dead. It is safe to hope again. It is safe to expect good things and more importantly you deserve to.”

Taurus, this speaks purely and directly to your heart. Nurture it. Sweeten your system with things that strengthen (hibiscus/cinnamon/licorice/breath/apology).

two months ago, i had all of these plans on devoting myself to writing in a way that is consistent, passionate, and in flow. i wanted to take advantage of the virgo energy and get my house in order.. however for the past two months i’ve been grappling with unexpected horrors.

i’ve been holding tight to my (ex)metamor while we both grieve and process an iceberg (putting it lightly) of a relationship we shared with the same person.

i’ve been screaming and crying in brooklyn neighborhoods as i catch my therapist up on the last week of bullshit via zoom.

i’ve been getting acclimated to a new job (which is my dream job, btw)

i’ve been nurturing two new romantic relationships which are now my (only?) romantic relationships by way of TWO consecutive breakups.

i’ve been processing a really big truth that has shaped the way i’ve seen love all along.

i’ve been deepening my relationship with my chosen little sister.

i’ve been having (amazing) sex, but not nearly enough to drown out the horrors.

i’ve been smoking A LOT of weed (amongst other herbs) and honestly it has been life saving and deeply medicinal.

shrooms have been healing me, too.

i’ve been going on endless passionate tangents about white supremacy and the many ways it is embedded into EVERYTHING!

i’ve been prescribed blood pressure meds.. i’m 26.

i’ve contemplated pausing testosterone because i’m afraid of male pattern baldness (i decided i’m taking my shot today).

i’ve been platonically falling in love with my roommate who is absolutely now my family in every sense of the word.

i been decorating my room! it’s so cute, everyone should come over (its really hard leaving home and i’m afraid my friends will think i’m neglectful).

i started locking my bedroom door again despite all of the work i had to do to unlearn the habit.

my spirits have been super loud, it feels like i’m being initiated.

the conversations i’ve been having with older black queers (at my dream job) lately are saving me!

i been having a whole lotta thought and conversation about justice.

now, i’m going to walk the next block over for cuddles from my friend/lover who is sweet and gentle with me.

‘til i have more!

— your (maybe?) fav lover boy

The Sun, also represented by St. Johns Wort fell eagerly.. i remember the audible “ooo” that passed my lips. At the bottom of the deck The Lovers card, also represented by Hawthorn beamed at me. Give thanks, this deck is a gentle one. I suppose i didn’t have any expectations for what message would find me, but i was nervous. I had spent that early morning crying at my altar; sleep couldn’t find me since sorrow had held my serenity captive.

3:36am 7/22/25

i’m feeling so much sadness right now. The chariot, my chariot in reverse. not mine at all. i’m thinking about them holding me, giving me exactly what i needed.

I journaled, somewhat self conscious to be showing up to my altar again broken hearted. Oh, Taj-Levi, what a love sick fool you are. Fool or not, i filled the page with my grief. In the dim candlelight i let my muted sobs touch each corner, praying the sound didn’t seep out of the cracks of my bedroom door. I was a mess of snot and tears, expressing my shame and frustrations to spirit, allowing myself to be bare and broken. I was safe there, even through the feelings of shame, i know that i was held with tenderness there on the floor.

The Sun — Spirit offered me a tool. Joy flowing through the medicine of St. Johns Wort. Spirit reaffirmed how bright my vitality burns, and told me to seek things that mirror that.

id be amiss to ignore the illumination of the child within me, the child who loved so big, even through disappointment. id be amiss to ignore the cycle. the cycle of settling, taking what i could get, and seeing only what affirms my desire.

The Lovers — berries emerge from pollinated flowers.. a partnership feeding the bee and the tree. this card offered that relationship based on shared desires lead to sweet reward. The Lovers is about choice.

and all of a sudden we’re in my kitchen, and you have raw garlic on your breath. i wanted something so sweet with you, something that satiated my fierce cravings. spirit says to want what wants me back and i’m tempted to cry again. there is no fruit here, and none on the way.

“Visit a hawthorn tree. Hang your wounds on the thorns.”

Theres a hawthorn tree at my local park, and i plan to hang my wounds there, but to also experience the medicine of it’s abundant fruit. Spirit tells me to choose what chooses me, and i doubt theres any room within that wisdom to choose what MIGHT choose me later.

I choose me now. So does the sweet lovers that i’m grateful to be held by.

It’s so ironic, The Chariot comes right after The Lovers card. A decision followed by focused action and expression of will.

May six hold me where your seven couldn’t. My chariot, who was never mine at all.

The Lovers are the ones who show themselves, who look to actually face love. They are the ones who present themselves, bare, vulnerable, and unashamed to desire.

— Red Tarot by Christopher Marmolejo

I won’t rush myself to banish the feelings of shame that show up as i realize i’ve done the “thing” again. Especially when this time around they held me just how i needed without me uttering a word, held my worries and daily grievances with a cool, grounding kind of care. Especially when my shame sits beside a face that pulls me deep into reverie with it’s gently crafted features. My love for them suspended in time.

We bore fruit in our own little world, in the world where we kissed in front of moving images, smiles immediate and silky.

As i’m preparing to publish this Open the Door by Betty Carter began to play..

Things are shifting, BIG TIME. I have fully named myself, and none of my given name exists anymore, not even my last name. My new name came to me with a stream of synchronicities that felt liberating, affirming, and full of God. I’m holding my name with awe, I love it so deeply.

My name has come to me so clearly at a time where I am truly dropping into being alive. I have been on an intentional journey of aliveness for over a year now and I have arrived in an energy so potent. I am returning to some things that felt intrinsic to my being, like crying; letting my tears flow in joy, sadness, frustration, and awe was something I lost for while after starting testosterone. I am disengaging from parts of me I thought made me who I was like passivity, stoicism, and disinterest. I held onto disinterest for so long to trick the cosmos into gifting me with things to look forward to. I couldn’t get too excited lest things be torn away(again). Survival can force you to devote yourself to ways of being that don’t resonate, and I’m facilitating cord cuttings that are so painful.

I told my therapist about my death anxiety. I expressed that the more alive I am, the more afraid I feel of being hyper visible to the spirit of death. It sometimes feels like this alive thing i’m doing is a dare, and I do fear the consequences. I fear not being able to see my resilience pay off. This is how we came to the concept of Embodied Death. I am not anticipating death, i’m experiencing it. I am waist deep in the grieving of my old self, the self that did a lot of things to survive and rarely had the privilege to consider quality of life. It’s possible that I am at step 1 of the grieving process - denial. Am I really moving out of survival mode? Am I really.. feeling.. okay? Is this pleasure i’m experiencing merely a sample? Oh, my chest is tight just holding these questions.

“How may you continue to invite in curiosity?” She asked me.

I’m still reflecting on this question.. how am I to hold all of this at the same time? My spirit says gratitude.

It HURTS, oh it hurts so bad! This grief, this embodied death, this deep holistic transition. I know that i must wail for the parts of me that have transitioned, the parts that don’t yet understand why they had to go so soon, the parts that felt most useful. I know that I must roar at the stream of injustices faced. I know that I must dance with the parts of spirit that i’ve shed in holy home going. I know that I must honor the dead, by letting the dead be.

I feel my body changing. I feel beautiful. I feel strong in a way that softens me.

I’m considering making an altar for the parts of me that have died, that are still dying. Sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge death before the funeral, before seeing it written in stone. I don’t want these ghosts living inside of me, I want to set us all free. I have to honor myself and my ancestors by not hoarding what we’ve worked so hard to move on from.

Honoring this as a journey, as always.

Im finishing this while listening to Leaning on the Everlasting Arms by Al Green

nostrils flared on inhale

cool wind to blow off old steam

wouldn’t you like to see me — head bowed backwards as ecstasy overtakes each nerve?

i am pretty like that

pretty when im pleased

pretty when my lips curl up in subtle content

oh im so pretty when im pleased

wouldnt you like to see me like that?

head dipped low, my heart cushioned by the sounds of you

pretty

im sure you're pretty when you're pleased

pretty when you watch me turn glutinous

pretty when you find that i am insatiable

id like to see you like that

mastering every medium so that your pretty is cemented in time

clay paint sketch and song

have the whole world wondering why i cant stop whistling

tell me to stop calling on ghosts

when the only ghost im calling is your caress when i miss it

i know ill miss it

lets be pretty together

nostrils flared as we blow off old steam

im sure youre pretty like that

i am, i promise

i want to write something beautiful about us.

these past few days have been.. difficult. i have been crying into my mask on the streets, catching tears mid conversation, and groaning at least four times per hour. i usually don’t write about things AS they’re happening, that kind of vulnerability is frightening (as fuck) but i am already immersed in a terrific reality.

i want to write something beautiful about us, because we were beautiful together. the kind of beauty we carried in our orbit was elemental. we mirrored each other in ways that felt like a trick to the eyes; a siren underwater morphing into likeness so that we are too intrigued to avert our gaze. a pond that we’ve stumbled upon in our aligned isolation- too awed to consider the consequences of leaning over still water to catch our reflection. meeting you felt like being introduced to another realm, kissing you felt like being pulled into it.

we were beautiful together, like i am beautiful with myself.

i want(ed) our love to work, like i need love to work for myself.

i am carrying storms within myself that have devastated my nervous system, and taken away mementos that i am still searching for in the wreckage. when i open myself up, i am still so beautiful. i am still holy land.

i’ve explored so much of who you are, and it has all been so beautiful. your tears have watered the most rigid parts of me - your “why am i always crying?” met my “why can’t i cry?” with wonder. you saw strong in me, i saw stronger in you.

oh your beauty, oh your beauty, ill cry about it forever.

blessed is the lands that we are indigenous to. blessed are our vessels. blessed. blessed.

i cannot find ugly in you- even as you purge yourself of insecurity littered in your body. your words are harsh, like the world has been harsh to you. i won’t swallow them, now that i know better.

your eyes have cut me like the glass of encased candles that have exploded atop my altar- i am more aware of the fire than the jagged edges.

are you upset to see yourself in me? you have been found by someone who has no intention to pillage and extract. i wished to call you mine, but not mine alone. not mine to capture. not mine to fix.

my home, my heart, my mirror..

i want to write something beautiful about us, because someone has to. someone has to see us beautifully. someone has to see our reflection as ethereal. someone has to see our wreckage as art. someone has to see our insides as wondrous.

i want to write something beautiful about us, because we were beautiful like i am beautiful now. i am beautiful now, and i am a storm. i am a home with a leaky roof. i am a lawn chair turned over. i am a flood. i am not the devastation, but i am a devastating sight. my devastating is beautiful, like you are beautiful, like we were beautiful.

i want to write something beautiful about us, because when we were tangled limbs, and lips, and thoughts, and dreams… i have never felt more beautiful.

possession. 
maybe i want to call you mine. 
have you wrapped around my body like bedtime silks on freshly moisturized skin. 
i. 
maybe i want to put my in front of your name when i introduce you. 
be the center of your universe. 
i. 
maybe i want to breathe fire onto everything that threatens what is (not) mine. 
mine. 
i. 
i. 
maybe i have only mastered gripping tight.
holding firm. 
my baby. 
my boy. 
my girl. 
my love. 
my my my
are you gorgeous. 
are you a delicacy. 
are you mine. 
i. 
have only had love slip through my fingers in ways that have temped me to sew my fingers together. 
i. 
know that i'm not really talking about love. 
i. 
i. 
maybe am afraid to cling to myself.
then i cannot blame love for being slippery. 
cant introduce myself with pride without it feeling like a lie. 
possession. 
to have. 
to have. 
my body and spirit existing as two halves. 
i am always willing to share. 
to be yours. 
to fight against time. 

My first queer sexual experience was with one of my high school best friends. On a school night we lay in the quiet talking about all of the things we had never done or felt. At that point, I had a bit of sexual confidence and a tumblr grounded feminist belief that everyone should know what pleasure feels like. She lay there with shyness and want resonating through her body, and I hovered over her with confidence gifted by the dark room. Our experience that night was short lived and never really spoken about after. My second, more pleasurable queer sexual experience was again, with a friend in high school. That was my defining “oh, i reallllly like girls.” experience. We explored each others bodies with toys, fingers, and mouths and it was amazing. It only happened once, on account of what I speculate to have been unmet emotional want and jealousy. I had yet to be introduced to the concept of aftercare beyond a towel to clean up so upon reflection i’m not surprised things turned out how they did.

The gap between sexual experiences with friends from high school to adulthood was big because of a consistent lineup of monogamous relationships. I was constantly feeling insecure about my platonic relationships because of the ways I had to alter my authentic expression. It wasn’t about sex at all, but more about my desire to feel like my expression wasn’t inhibited. Eventually though, I transitioned into non-monogamy and my relationships with my friends opened back up into a tender sweetness that I had really missed.

The thing about having sex with my friends, is that I believed that it was a sure way to guarantee safety and pleasure. A friend is a safe place. A friend is someone who wouldn’t want to hurt me, and they’re also usually the first people to access all of my sex stories, and feelings of yearning. For a long time that felt like simple math, efficient and safe. It also doesn’t hurt that all of my friends are… extremely hot and queer. The shameless sex stories, platonic intimacy, and the promise of time truly felt like a perfect recipe for the best kind of sex. If anyone were to ask me how I felt about sex with friends my answer was consistent - i love the idea and act of having sex with friends; it makes perfect sense.

Lately i’ve been surprising myself with a shifting perspective.. maybe i’m not all that interested in fucking my friends anymore. It’s not due to bad experience either, i’ve certainly had notable experiences with friends who I still love dearly, but I have been realizing a few things about myself and my relationship to sex that I believe deserves further interrogation and a pause. Platonic intimacy is something that I am very passionate about. Reserving sweetness for people i’m interested in building specific romance with feels empty and limiting. I think that less people would feel lonely if we just allowed ourselves to be in romance with our friends too. There are so many steps before sex! You could never make me hate platonic cuddling, hand holding, forehead kisses, and even an innocent non heated smooch. Romance is in everything; in the sound of my footsteps, in the warmth of the sun peaking through my thin green curtains, in the sizzle of a good meal being prepared.. so I refuse to deny the budding romance in ANY relationship that I enter.

I realize that the safety I spoke about when it comes to sex within friendships has all been assumed. There has rarely been direct conversation about what safety is specifically between me and the other person, and if i’m honest sometimes the sex is followed by a bit of overthinking and anxiety.

should i expect sex at every sleepover? how often should we kiss? do they want more from me? do i want more from them? am i allowed to have different needs if we’re just friends?

Months after sex with a specific friend, I timidly approached them with these kinds of questions that of course, had been on their mind too. The conversation did affirm that we could find safety within each other but I realized that safety is an intention and practice, not a given. Having sex with a friend isn’t inherently any safer than sex with someone I have intentions of building in romance with, a hookup, etc. This understanding did push me into reflecting on how afraid I am of setting boundaries, rejecting others, and having anyone feel like I am assuming anything about them.

I found myself avoiding eye contact when cuddling my friends just in case that was a *sex signal* to them.. the very non sexual, but sensual intimacy that I truly desire started feeling like a far reality because I didn’t believe in myself to assert when i wanted certain acts of intimacy to stop, start, or last a while longer. This realization kind of felt like a cold shower… maybe my practices with intimacy (even with my friends) still have a lot of fear within them. Perhaps my “i’ll have sex with anyone” practice that I saw as liberating was actually an avoidance. There is so much fear in what comes after telling someone “no.” even outside of sex, and i’m realizing how important it is for me to sit with that.

Being a safe person is deeper than respecting other people’s no. It’s in being present with my own body, trusting myself to be assertive and clear, verbal and nonverbal check ins, aftercare, and no assuming. Friendship means the world to me, and i’m just as committed to the deepening of these relationships as I am any other and that requires outward curiosity, and sometimes a bit more slowness. There are so many forms of intimacy that I can explore with my friends that doesn’t involve our genitals and I am actually really excited to lean into them with clarity, consent, and mutual enthusiasm.

I’m sure this will be continued because my mind never stops and also this journey is a fresh one. I’d love to hear what y’all’s thoughts on platonic intimacy are as well. Let this be a collaboration!

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you: far, too far away from me

maybe it’s not the time to be thinking about you, i have things to do. i have to write, i have to plan, i have to figure out what discipline looks like.

i have things to do, but i am thinking about you anyhow. i am hearing your soft rasp as if you’re talking into my ear. i am replaying the last time we were wrapped in each other’s warmth, curious and open. i am watching pigeons flock to buildings and light posts in reverie. oh, i am craving you much more than i should be. i have things to do.

remember when? yes, that time, remember?

i can’t stop remembering, i don’t even want to.

Journal Entry

March 3rd 2025

Feeling momentarily down on myself. This is my third month in a row struggling to pay rent. I’m unemployed. My bank account hasn’t seen 1k in so long. *sigh* I need different. I NEED different. Maybe i’ve been making excuses for myself. Why am I so concerned with pleasure when I can barely pay my rent? Free me from being such a pisces. IM SAD. I’m hungry for more, but I also feel so tired and broken down. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO? I’m just feeling bad. I’m feeling worried and not super confident. I’m going to go to Trader Joes and figure everything else out later. One step at a time. sigh sigh sigh…

It’s March 4th 2025. I woke up at 7:30am. Breakfast was prepared, my altars we lit, I prayed on my knees, did yoga, and massaged my wrists and ankles with self love oil that I conjured up many moons ago. I am not the loser that I felt like yesterday.

Every now and again desperation seeps in through the cracks and I feel seized by impending doom. I am learning how to prioritize, while also taking care. Things have been moving, I have been moving. I am twenty-six years old and I am teaching myself discipline, and sometimes that feels like I am a twenty-six year old who will always be behind. The fog. The fog is thick with wishing, insecurity, trauma, and doubt. I am learning to honor those moments where I am afraid.

Oh how I wish that my fears were met with someone checking under my bed for monsters, a nightlight, and a kiss on the forehead. Feelings of need make me feel five years old, and I am having to be the baby and the parent. Oh thank God for practice. Thank God that I am a forgiving child. It’s difficult being a parent for the first time. I am afraid to get it wrong, I am afraid to traumatize this human I love so much, I am afraid that we will grow apart. I’m checking under the bed for monsters, and I too am afraid of what may look back at me. I check, though, I check. The baby is afraid, and so is the parent. The parent is brave, and so is the baby. Oh how I am swirling on my own feet in this dance.

There was a time where the feelings I had yesterday would linger for weeks, leaving me bound to pity and my mattress. I am up today, at only 1pm. I’m in a cafe divining with a confrontation of feeling and reflection. I am so fucking proud of myself. I am growing everybody, I AM GROWING! But seriously, I am so excited for an elder to enter this chat.

do not argue with me, or i will die
your words, if not honey butter to my biscuit is poison flowing through my veins
you said you love me
so make it sweet
make it sweet or make it quick 
i cannot be burdened with gasping for air 
I cannot be burdened with begging and pleading for sweetness 
because if you love me, i will forget how addicted i was to sour candy
forget the feeling of a raw tongue after over indulging 
be sweet 
be so sweet that i feel the remnants of you on my teeth
let my body beg for water after consuming your love
be sweet 
be so sweet that when i bite into you, i remember that i haven’t gone to the dentist this year 

do not argue with me, or i will die
your words, if not of praise, are of the enemy 
i am psalms 91 embodied 
i will choke on the feathers of a mighty god’s wings before i choke on your disdain
do not argue with me
let your curation of words mirror sensuality that borders on sin
i will kneel before you as long as your breath is cool 
as long as your lips release a tune that caresses my spirit
if you are not my salvation, know the steps to a seance 
i am not searching for god the way i search for your mercy 
let the wind of your words wrap around me as a sanctuary should 


do not argue with me, or i will die
i have no more tears of self pity to weep 
the pages of my journals are full of this offense and the next 
my skin, holds markings of their failed attempts of defeat 
i stitched them closed on my own without a second thought
figured i am a professional
how different could stitching be from patching with tape and gauze 
i am a bloody mess
and when you notice 
i am terminally ill 
i am only dreaming of the smell of sweet dough rising 
i am only searching for god in a book and nowhere else
i am only someone who will die 

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Spirit speaks to me and tells me to write, rest, open my mouth and speak truth. I suppose I am struggling with that. Hold my hand maybe?

“My words ensure I survive with dignity. My limitations do not completely circumscribe me because in my voice is strength , capacity, and skill… My responsibility to maintain humanity remains.” -Christopher Marmolejo (Red Tarot)

I am blessed to know my path. It is clear that I am a vessel of healing. This sometimes looks like having a naturally orchestrated conversation with a stranger and instilling in them the hope and clarity they had been needing. I’m known for pulling out my tarot cards and giving a reading, laying hands, even cleansing vessel and spirit with water and herbs. Storytelling and giving people dialogue and resonance that sparks something living and breathing inside of them is a form of divination I hold intimately.

I have long moved past the current of internal questioning and denial that comes with being given such a path, because it is clear that I am someone that can be trusted with such a journey. It is even more clear that my work is necessary.

If you know me, you know that I have an aura and understanding that comes from deeply impactful experiences, and a spirit that blooms from compassionate soil. To put it plainly, I have been through some shit, and I have yet to let it numb me. I have been forced to nurture and teach myself almost every meaningful thing I can teach to anyone else, and this has resulted in me playing catch up, just about ALL of the time. The most basic understanding of stability looks like a golden ticket reality through my eyes and I am coming to terms with how much healing is necessary to process it all. I have wondered what is necessary to sacrifice in order to experience a reality where all of my basic needs are met, and I am beginning to understand that I must first sacrifice shame.

I have carried insurmountable shame comparing myself to my peers who grew up in homes, with full fridges, resources, and guidance. Shame for being behind, for always struggling, for having to ask for things, etc. I feel that lately spirit won’t let me ignore how difficult I have been making my path because I am holding onto this shame.

I think about how the conjure people of my lineage were able to heal themselves and others while the community surrounding them made sure they remained housed, fed, and clothed. I feel far away from that reality, but I am in this moment trying to bridge a gap.

I am building a foundation. I am clawing my way out of a twenty-six year struggle by simply asking for support. I hope you’re still holding my hand because this is the part that makes me want to run and hide. I am, like I mentioned, behind. On rent, necessities, my health, and I need to sit the fuck down or maybe i’ll continue to be in chronic pain. So, I am asking for resources, money, and honestly home cooked meals as i navigate disordered eating, and injury.

I know that I deserve comfort, everyone does. I am taking my shame and transmuting it into something that can continue to nourish my path, my work. If you are still reading and you feel compelled to support me, thank you. Thank you for caring about me, and my quality of life. I love you!

You can support me directly by:

becoming a paid subscriber

cash-app ($clouduncovered)

venmo (@clouduncovered)

zelle and paypal available as well, just reach out to me

For transparency, my goal is $5k to cover this months rent, household needs, food, and sustained survival that I am confident will transition into something sustainable and comfortable.

i’m in my bed with my right foot elevated because i sprained it approximately six days ago, but still went to a MLK party at a club on the lower east side last night. very unserious.

maybe i’m being dramatic when i say i’m “in love” with everyone all of the time, but it seems as though i am consistently being tested with very fabulous and sexy people entering my life. why would god connect me with creative, witty, sweet, and sexy queers if i am not meant to fall in love?????? i am unsure, but i am also in bed with puffy eyes because i am much too idealistic for my own good.

i am truly professional in unrequited desire and yearning. i’m questioning if there is psychological explanation for all of this, but not too hard since my best friend told me that my neptune is on top of my venus. thats enough explanation and science for me to ground myself on.

my GOD is it painful though. my heart is constantly bursting at the seams and i always feel so full of love. it’s interesting though, i am genuinely never feeling lack in affection, love or care from the people around me but my heart is constantly meandering to uncharted territory and i’m beginning to think that MAYBE this is a problem.

“what if we just all fuck? life could be SO simple. why can’t we all just kiss a little bit?”

- My little sister

i understand that when we talk about love, realistically that comes with a bit of possession but what if i just want to float through a sea of love and be caressed by a thousand fingertips? what if i want to be a bearer of nourishment to all whom i deem worthy????? this feels simple to me but oh how it complicates my life. everyone wants to HAVE something. i yearn to experience, to be thought of, to be held, included even. but like, i don’t necessarily need to possess, claim, or keep.

is it unhealthy for romance to be central in my life? i don’t really trust anyone to answer me. life is full of love, beautiful things, people, scents, and moments. who doesn’t want to center that???? i feel like capitalism is fucking up my fantasies. i don’t want survival to decide what love looks like for me, i also don’t want cishet ingredients fucking up my soup.

theres a part of me that wants to be sorry for my lack of capital letters, proper grammar, and also for putting what maybe should be a journal entry on the internet but i’m going to say that my apology would be a point for white supremacy so if you hate this, i actually cannot care as a black person.

also, if you think that my desire to be in a sea of love every moment of my life is greed.. well i am sorry that the bible has been holding you captive.

i hope that at least even one of these sentences make a little bit of sense.

i’m going to hydrate to avoid this headache i feel coming on, i love you, because it’s easy.

xoxo